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1
00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:15,598
Hey, I'm really sorry that I
didn't come to your art show.
2
00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:17,851
Okay.
3
00:00:17,892 --> 00:00:20,895
Is that all you've heard?
'Cause I said some other stuff.
4
00:00:20,937 --> 00:00:24,816
Really?
I don't--I--
5
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,152
You know what's interesting?
6
00:00:27,193 --> 00:00:31,740
I don't feel embarrassed
at all.
7
00:00:31,781 --> 00:00:33,950
I just feel good.
8
00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:37,996
Good.
9
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,129
If you don't have
anything to say,
10
00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:48,757
you don't have to say anything.
11
00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:53,887
Or no--
I take that back.
12
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:57,474
You have to say something.
13
00:01:00,268 --> 00:01:03,897
(Michael)
Hey, you guys! I'm doing it!
14
00:01:03,938 --> 00:01:06,191
I'm walking on
boiling steam!
15
00:01:06,232 --> 00:01:07,901
[laughs]
16
00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:12,447
How can you even think about
leaving that?
17
00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:14,616
Hey, can anybody
see this?
18
00:01:14,657 --> 00:01:16,117
[laughs]
19
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:20,705
David.
20
00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:21,915
Oh, Michael.
21
00:01:21,956 --> 00:01:24,250
Are we all set?
22
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:27,504
Isn't... our
interview tomorrow?
23
00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:31,549
Yes.
24
00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:33,009
I just happened to be
in the neighborhood,
25
00:01:33,051 --> 00:01:34,886
thought I'd drop in,
say hello.
26
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:37,597
Just happened to be
in Midtown Manhattan?
27
00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:39,265
Thought I'd catch
a show.
28
00:01:39,307 --> 00:01:40,725
Middle of a work day?
29
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:43,228
No.
30
00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:44,771
You know what?
31
00:01:44,813 --> 00:01:46,147
Since I'm here,
let me ask you
32
00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:49,109
a few questions
about the job.
33
00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:50,402
Okay.
34
00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:52,153
Um, how many people
are you interviewing?
35
00:01:52,195 --> 00:01:53,905
We're only interviewing
branch managers
36
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,740
and some lower level
company people.
37
00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:57,951
Ah, well. Good.
38
00:01:57,992 --> 00:02:00,203
Out of curiosity,
are you interviewing anyone
39
00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:01,746
who's been here
longer than I have,
40
00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:03,206
or manages more people?
41
00:02:03,248 --> 00:02:05,333
I don't think so. Great.
42
00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:06,876
One more question.
43
00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:10,005
When you merged those branches,
who did you put in charge?
44
00:02:10,046 --> 00:02:12,882
I believe we put you
in charge.
45
00:02:12,924 --> 00:02:14,759
Ah, great.
No further questions.
46
00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:16,094
Okay, Michael. Okay.
47
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,971
I'm really looking forward
to our interview.
48
00:02:18,013 --> 00:02:21,141
And I'm really looking forward
to working with you.
49
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:27,856
I have got it made
in the shade.
50
00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:29,190
I know this company.
51
00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:31,443
The other branch managers
are total morons.
52
00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:32,527
Hey, Pam, yeah.
53
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:33,862
I forgot what day
the interview was,
54
00:02:33,903 --> 00:02:35,155
and I drove
to New York accidentally.
55
00:02:35,196 --> 00:02:36,906
Be, like, three hours late.
56
00:02:36,948 --> 00:02:41,202
[cheerful music]
57
00:02:41,244 --> 00:02:48,084
{\an8}♪ ♪
58
00:02:58,928 --> 00:03:00,847
(Pam)
See, I have 600.
59
00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:02,891
Yeah, I don't have--
60
00:03:02,932 --> 00:03:04,225
(Kevin)
Hey.
61
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:05,310
Hey, Kev.
62
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:07,854
{\an8}What's different
about you?
63
00:03:07,896 --> 00:03:09,272
{\an8}You look worse.
64
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:10,065
{\an8}Thank you.
65
00:03:10,106 --> 00:03:11,358
{\an8}He got a haircut.
66
00:03:11,399 --> 00:03:12,650
{\an8}It's sexy. Hot.
67
00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:13,860
{\an8}Oh.
68
00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:14,944
{\an8}(Meredith)
Turn around.
69
00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:16,488
{\an8}No.
Come on.
70
00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:18,698
{\an8}No, thanks.
Do it!
71
00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:20,492
{\an8}(Andy)
Lull-up do!
72
00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:22,285
{\an8}What's up, Big Haircut?
73
00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:24,079
{\an8}You are no longer
Big Tuna.
74
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,456
{\an8}From henceforth, you shall
be known as Big Haircut.
75
00:03:26,498 --> 00:03:27,457
{\an8}Andy, just--
76
00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:29,125
{\an8}What, just Big Haircut?
Nothing.
77
00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:30,502
{\an8}Sorry, can't hear you,
Big Haircut.
78
00:03:30,543 --> 00:03:31,586
{\an8}Yup.
What?
79
00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:34,297
{\an8}Karen suggested
that I get a haircut
80
00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:36,800
{\an8}for the interview tomorrow.
81
00:03:36,841 --> 00:03:38,843
{\an8}So that I could look presentable.
82
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:41,805
{\an8}And not, as she
so lovingly puts it,
83
00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:43,431
{\an8}homeless.
84
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:44,974
{\an8}Hey.
85
00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:46,017
{\an8}I think it looks great.
86
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,144
{\an8}Thanks, Pam.
87
00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:54,150
{\an8}After I had my little outburst
at the beach,
88
00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:56,027
{\an8}Jim was really nice
about it.
89
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,153
{\an8}He just basically said
90
00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:59,989
{\an8}that he missed
my friendship too,
91
00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:01,366
{\an8}and I would always mean
a lot to him.
92
00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:03,493
{\an8}And I understand
where he's coming from.
93
00:04:03,535 --> 00:04:06,913
{\an8}For the record,
I am not embarrassed at all.
94
00:04:06,955 --> 00:04:09,457
{\an8}It needed to be said,
and I said it.
95
00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,459
{\an8}And it only took me
three years
96
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:13,795
{\an8}to summon the courage, so...
97
00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:15,797
{\an8}[whispering]
thank you.
98
00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:17,549
{\an8}[knocking]
Yeah?
99
00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:18,758
{\an8}You wanted to see me?
100
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,218
{\an8}Yes.
101
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,470
{\an8}The time has come
to name my own replacement.
102
00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:26,599
{\an8}So please hand this letter
of congratulations
103
00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:28,685
{\an8}to Dwight K. Schrute.
104
00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:33,273
{\an8}But that's my name.
105
00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:41,614
"Dwight, congratulations,
a-wipe.
106
00:04:41,656 --> 00:04:44,075
Don't screw the pooch."
107
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,413
[crying]
108
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:50,331
[sighing]
Oh.
109
00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:51,499
[whispering]
Thank you.
110
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:53,585
Okay.
111
00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:56,338
[sobbing]
112
00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:57,255
All right.
113
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:58,381
Thank you, Michael.
114
00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:00,133
Okay.
115
00:05:03,928 --> 00:05:06,139
Thank you so much. Please.
116
00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:07,932
Please stop crying.
[sobbing]
117
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:10,643
Seriously, Dwight.
118
00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:12,479
Stop crying.
Thank you.
119
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:14,898
[groans]
120
00:05:14,939 --> 00:05:16,608
You know, Dwight, stop crying,
121
00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:18,651
or I'm gonna
take it away from you.
122
00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:21,780
You'll take it away from me?
123
00:05:21,821 --> 00:05:24,407
Please, no. No.
124
00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:26,618
I'm not gonna
take it away from you.
125
00:05:26,659 --> 00:05:27,702
You're not?
No.
126
00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:29,204
You're not gonna
take it away from me?
127
00:05:29,245 --> 00:05:31,623
Just try to act normal, please.
128
00:05:31,664 --> 00:05:34,042
Don't--don't--
don't come around the desk--
129
00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:36,503
[groans]
130
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:48,932
Hey.
131
00:05:48,973 --> 00:05:50,266
Hey.
132
00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:53,395
Um, about the beach.
133
00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:55,897
It's okay, we all say things
without thinking.
134
00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:57,399
Oh, no, it's not that.
135
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,734
I've actually been thinking
that for a long time.
136
00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:01,444
And I'm glad I said it.
137
00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:04,197
I just--I'm sorry
if it made you feel weird.
138
00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:07,325
Oh.
139
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,827
Okay.
140
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:12,455
Pam is kind of a bitch.
141
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:14,916
Hey.
142
00:06:14,958 --> 00:06:16,376
What if we leave tonight?
143
00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:18,878
Grab a bite,
get a hotel room.
144
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:20,797
Enjoy the city
a little bit.
145
00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:23,091
Uh...
146
00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:26,678
I just have
so much paperwork to do.
147
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,347
[sighs]
148
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,934
Wow, done.
Okay, let's do it.
149
00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:34,686
So I was wondering if Karen
and I could get off
150
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,104
a few hours early,
'cause we wanted to
151
00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:37,063
spend the night
in the city.
152
00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:39,190
Why, so you can do it?
153
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,317
Whoops.
No, um...
154
00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:42,610
Well, I was thinking
that, uh,
155
00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:44,779
actually, we could
all leave tomorrow.
156
00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:46,197
And do a convoy.
157
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,741
You know?
Oh.
158
00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:49,784
Convoys are really fun.
159
00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:51,453
Pull up next to each other.
160
00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:52,787
Give each other the finger.
161
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:53,872
Mm.
Hmm.
162
00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:55,415
Moon each other.
163
00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:56,833
Uh, we're gonna go tonight.
164
00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:58,209
But we're gonna see you there
tomorrow morning, right?
165
00:06:58,251 --> 00:06:59,377
All right.
All right.
166
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,628
Your loss. Wait.
167
00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:02,672
Um, how would you moon us
if you were driving?
168
00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:03,715
Cruise control.
169
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,258
Oh.
170
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,553
Mine.
171
00:07:09,721 --> 00:07:12,307
[humming softly]
172
00:07:13,725 --> 00:07:15,143
Just make sure
that after I leave
173
00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,561
you don't move in
for at least a month.
174
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:18,605
Good idea.
Give it a chance to air out.
175
00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:20,482
No, dummy.
176
00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:22,400
You have to leave it
exactly as is
177
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,694
out of respect for those
who wish to mourn me.
178
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:29,240
Of course.
179
00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,161
And give us a chance
to identify
180
00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:34,371
the source
of that smell.
181
00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:36,623
Just get out of here, okay?
182
00:07:36,664 --> 00:07:39,709
So Jim, who do you think
is hotter,
183
00:07:39,751 --> 00:07:41,419
Pam or Karen?
184
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,296
Yeah, I'm not gonna talk
about this now.
185
00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:44,506
Pam is taller.
186
00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:46,758
You sure?
187
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,259
Yes.
188
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:50,095
She has bigger breasts too.
189
00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:51,304
Wow.
190
00:07:51,346 --> 00:07:52,931
But I think Karen
has a prettier face.
191
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:56,601
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
192
00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,436
What else?
193
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:02,273
Well, I mean, Pam's face
is really pretty too.
194
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,483
It's a very tough call.
195
00:08:03,525 --> 00:08:06,027
Mm.
Really tough call.
196
00:08:06,069 --> 00:08:07,237
Yeah.
197
00:08:07,278 --> 00:08:08,988
You know what?
Why don't you take
198
00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:11,324
the rest of the day,
figure it out,
199
00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:13,368
and then come back
and tell me what you got?
200
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,580
Will do.
All right.
201
00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:20,083
(Kevin)
Yes.
202
00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:22,085
Cool.
203
00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:25,255
I have a project.
204
00:08:25,296 --> 00:08:28,591
There's Jim.
My buddy Jim.
205
00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:31,886
Oh, man.
So many memories.
206
00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:35,348
So, there's Phyllis and Stanley
hard at work.
207
00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:39,185
Toby, you ruined the picture, man.
208
00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:41,980
I'm sorry.
You want me to get you a--
209
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,815
No, no, no, you know what?
210
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,483
There's something
I wanna say to you
211
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:46,818
that I've never said
to you before.
212
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:51,990
Pam has actually inspired me
to just say the truth.
213
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,658
I hate your guts.
214
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:54,784
I know.
215
00:08:54,826 --> 00:08:57,537
Wow, that felt
so good to say.
216
00:08:57,579 --> 00:09:01,249
Oh, what a relief.
[laughs]
217
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:03,335
I feel invigorated.
218
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:04,461
Well, good luck
on the interview tomorrow.
219
00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:07,464
Oh, hey.
Thanks for jinxing me, jerk.
220
00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:09,716
And it's not just me.
everybody here hates you.
221
00:09:09,758 --> 00:09:11,718
Uh, okay.
222
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:16,181
Hey, Pam.
223
00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:17,515
I've been meaning
to say something to you.
224
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,351
I really miss
our friendship.
225
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:20,852
[laughter]
226
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,520
Ha ha, that's very funny.
227
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,564
I've never heard you
talk that much.
228
00:09:24,606 --> 00:09:26,232
I thought it was Kelly.
229
00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:27,901
Are you kidding?
I would never have done that.
230
00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:28,902
It was Patheticville.
231
00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:29,861
No offense, Pam.
232
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,071
(Meredith)
You know what?
233
00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:32,364
Don't even worry about it.
234
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:33,490
Everyone was so drunk,
235
00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:35,200
I bet no one even remembers
what you said.
236
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,368
I remember.
237
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:37,702
I blogged the whole thing.
238
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:44,167
www.creedthoughts.gov.
www/creedthoughts.
239
00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:45,543
Check it out.
240
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:49,547
Last year, Creed asked me
how to set up a blog.
241
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:52,926
Wanting to protect the world
from being exposed
242
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:56,388
to Creed's brain,
I opened up a Word document
243
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:59,891
on his computer,
and put an address at the top.
244
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,518
I've read some of it.
245
00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:03,019
Even for the Internet,
246
00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:06,773
it's... pretty shocking.
247
00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:07,982
There they are.
248
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:09,109
The accounting department.
249
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,777
I shall miss your humility
250
00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:13,154
and your
promptly-printed checks.
251
00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:16,074
You know, the three of you
have always worked together
252
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:19,119
like a three-wheeled unicycle.
253
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,162
Thank you.
Like a string quartet.
254
00:10:21,204 --> 00:10:23,039
Like a fork.
255
00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:25,583
Like...
256
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:29,212
three finely tuned
engines in the same car.
257
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,881
Or a tri-tip steak.
258
00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,466
Or...
259
00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:36,261
a "Three Amigos" fan club
with a lot of members in it.
260
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,929
Thanks, Michael. Hey.
261
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,431
Do you think
it's gonna be weird?
262
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,725
Working with Jan
in New York?
263
00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:42,851
No, not at all.
264
00:10:42,892 --> 00:10:45,311
I haven't talked to Jan
since we broke up.
265
00:10:45,353 --> 00:10:47,272
And I think if she had
something to say,
266
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:48,440
she would've called me.
267
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:49,858
Maybe you
should talk to her--
268
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:50,900
No, no, no, no.
269
00:10:50,942 --> 00:10:52,110
You know what?
270
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,236
It's a done deal.
271
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:54,946
I basically have
the job already.
272
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,115
There's nothing she can do
to stop it now.
273
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,241
I already sold my condo.
274
00:10:58,283 --> 00:10:59,409
Michael.
275
00:10:59,451 --> 00:11:00,744
What?
Why?
276
00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:02,287
I'm sorry,
that just doesn't make sense.
277
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:03,455
Yes.
W-why?
278
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,914
Who gave you
that advice?
279
00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:06,583
Yeah, Michael, you should never
sell your condo--
280
00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:08,126
I have to buy another place.
281
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:09,419
But you said you were
in debt.
282
00:11:09,461 --> 00:11:10,837
You're not sure
that you have the job.
283
00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:12,964
I sold it on eBay.
284
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,508
The buyer was very motivated,
as was I.
285
00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:18,428
It went for 80%
of what I paid.
286
00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:20,680
Sold in record time.
287
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,769
[laughs]
288
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:27,395
Something funny?
289
00:11:27,437 --> 00:11:29,981
Um...
290
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:32,442
I'll tell you,
but you have to promise me
291
00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:33,818
that you won't make
a big speech about it
292
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:35,362
two years from now.
Can you do that?
293
00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:37,572
Forget it.
All right.
294
00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:40,575
(Kevin)
Hey, Pam.
295
00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,327
Do you do yoga?
296
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,037
No.
297
00:11:44,079 --> 00:11:47,832
Ooh, that's gonna hurt you.
298
00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:51,127
That's gonna hurt real bad.
299
00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:53,004
New York real estate.
300
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:56,257
I started by looking
for a brownstone,
301
00:11:56,299 --> 00:11:58,426
like the Huxtables had.
302
00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:01,513
But instead I found this
very, very nice place
303
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:04,683
in Jamaica, Queens, man.
304
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:07,602
It is on the last stop
of the subway,
305
00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:10,522
which is wonderful,
because if I fall asleep,
306
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:12,232
I still end up at home.
307
00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:15,527
It is a sweet one bedroom.
308
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,321
I've a roommate,
Vijay Chokalingham.
309
00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:20,490
He's a sophomore
in Queens College.
310
00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:22,617
He actually works
in the Indian restaurant
311
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,619
right below the apartment.
312
00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:29,165
So free food, and the place
always smells like curry.
313
00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:31,710
So, win-win.
314
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,128
How would you like to spend
the night
315
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:36,715
with the regional manager
of Dunder-Mifflin Scranton?
316
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,967
{\an8}No, Dwight, I don't care
if that's how
317
00:12:39,009 --> 00:12:41,261
{\an8}they consolidated power
in ancient Rome.
318
00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:43,221
{\an8}No, no.
Not--not Michael.
319
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:44,973
{\an8}Me.
320
00:12:45,015 --> 00:12:47,851
{\an8}I'm taking his job.
321
00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:50,061
{\an8}Not now.
322
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:53,064
[deep breath]
323
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:58,903
Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor.
324
00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,660
Jim, Jim, Jim.
325
00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:10,040
Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim,
Jim, Jim, Jim.
326
00:13:11,082 --> 00:13:12,500
Oh.
Hey, Dwight.
327
00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:15,253
I'm going to be
your new boss.
328
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,755
[laughs]
329
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,882
It's my greatest dream
come true.
330
00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:20,759
Welcome to the Hotel Hell.
331
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:24,137
Check-in time is now,
checkout time is never.
332
00:13:24,179 --> 00:13:25,305
Does my room have cable?
333
00:13:25,347 --> 00:13:26,431
No.
334
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,641
And the sheets
are made of fire.
335
00:13:28,683 --> 00:13:30,268
Can I change rooms?
336
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,770
Sorry, we're all booked up.
337
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,855
Hell convention in town.
338
00:13:33,897 --> 00:13:35,523
Can I have
a late checkout?
339
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:37,150
I'll have to talk
to the manager.
340
00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:40,236
You're not the manager?
Even in your own fantasy?
341
00:13:41,363 --> 00:13:43,239
I'm the owner.
342
00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:44,532
The co-owner.
343
00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:46,034
With Satan.
344
00:13:46,076 --> 00:13:48,828
Okay,
just so I understand it.
345
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:52,707
In your wildest fantasy,
you are in hell.
346
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,751
And you are co-running
347
00:13:54,793 --> 00:13:57,087
a bed and breakfast
with the devil.
348
00:13:57,128 --> 00:13:59,422
Yeah, but I haven't told you
my salary yet.
349
00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:00,632
Go.
350
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:04,177
$80,000 a year.
351
00:14:04,219 --> 00:14:05,887
Once I am officially
regional manager,
352
00:14:05,929 --> 00:14:09,849
my first order of business
will be to demote Jim Halpert.
353
00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:12,185
So I will need
a new number two.
354
00:14:12,227 --> 00:14:14,688
My ideal choice?
355
00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:16,564
Jack Bauer.
356
00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:19,025
But he is unavailable.
357
00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:20,402
Fictional.
358
00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:22,153
And overqualified.
359
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,863
"Position open.
360
00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:28,410
"Assistant to
the regional manager.
361
00:14:28,451 --> 00:14:31,121
Apply within."
362
00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:34,249
Where do I sign up?
363
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:37,043
Within.
[scoffs]
364
00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:40,547
You're not making
a very good first impression.
365
00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:43,383
You know me, Dwight.
Dwight?
366
00:14:43,425 --> 00:14:45,218
Dwight is my father's name.
367
00:14:45,260 --> 00:14:47,595
You can call me Mr. Schrute.
368
00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:51,725
All right, Mr. Schrute.
369
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:55,562
I will see you...
370
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:58,648
at the interview.
371
00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:01,735
Yes, you will.
372
00:15:01,776 --> 00:15:03,737
Who is D. Abramson?
373
00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:05,238
Um, he's from that company
in Pittsburgh.
374
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:06,197
Michael.
375
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:08,533
Why...
376
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,702
are you here?
377
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:14,664
Uh, how are you?
378
00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:16,666
I'm good.
How are you, Janet?
379
00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:17,709
It's good to see you.
380
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:19,794
I'm great.
381
00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:25,175
Uh, can we--
382
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:28,345
can we talk privately
for a minute?
383
00:15:28,386 --> 00:15:30,138
Why privately?
384
00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:34,768
Uh, I just--
I, uh, I don't, uh...
385
00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:37,604
I-I don't like the way
that we left things.
386
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:38,938
Okay, sure. Fine.
387
00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:40,523
Um, why don't you wait
in my office?
388
00:15:40,565 --> 00:15:42,359
I have some important
business matters
389
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,319
to take care of.
390
00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:47,989
Okay.
Okay.
391
00:15:49,991 --> 00:15:54,704
Pam, DEFCON 10.
Houston, we have a problem.
392
00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:56,122
What do you want me
to do?
393
00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:59,501
Uh, I may need
some immediate assistance.
394
00:15:59,542 --> 00:16:01,836
If you would slowly and quietly
395
00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:03,630
gather the ladies
in the conference room.
396
00:16:03,672 --> 00:16:05,256
Phyllis, Angela, Karen.
397
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,341
What about Meredith?
398
00:16:06,383 --> 00:16:07,634
No.
399
00:16:07,676 --> 00:16:09,719
She's an alternate.
400
00:16:09,761 --> 00:16:11,513
So how you been?
401
00:16:11,554 --> 00:16:12,639
I've been good. Good.
402
00:16:12,681 --> 00:16:14,391
Good.
Yeah.
403
00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:15,517
Oh.
404
00:16:15,558 --> 00:16:16,976
Sorry to drop by unexpectedly.
405
00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:20,146
I, uh, tried calling,
but I kept getting voicemail.
406
00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:21,606
Weird, yeah.
407
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:23,692
I didn't get
both of your messages.
408
00:16:24,693 --> 00:16:26,695
Ah.
409
00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:30,365
So, uh, Michael needs us
in the conference room.
410
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,033
Oh, is it Jan again?
411
00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:33,993
Hey, uh,
before I leave tonight,
412
00:16:34,035 --> 00:16:36,037
would you mind making
a half a dozen copies
413
00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:37,372
of Jim's and my sales reports
414
00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:38,498
for our interviews
tomorrow?
415
00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:40,875
Uh, sure. Thanks.
416
00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:43,169
I really hope
you get the job.
417
00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:45,839
Thanks.
418
00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:50,343
After you ended everything
with us,
419
00:16:50,385 --> 00:16:51,720
I went on a vacation.
420
00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:53,513
Mm.
421
00:16:53,555 --> 00:16:54,514
To kind of clear
my mind.
422
00:16:54,556 --> 00:16:56,016
Sounds good,
sounds fun.
423
00:16:56,057 --> 00:16:58,852
It was,
yeah, it was good.
424
00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:00,895
[laughing]
I think I should just...
425
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:02,564
get right to the point,
you know? Okay.
426
00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:06,776
Um, I-I feel good
about myself
427
00:17:06,818 --> 00:17:10,155
for the first time
in a really long time.
428
00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:12,574
And I've made
some big changes
429
00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:15,368
in my life, and...
430
00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:17,787
I miss you.
431
00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,916
I want us
to get back together.
432
00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:27,839
Would you excuse me
for a second?
433
00:17:27,881 --> 00:17:30,717
Oh, okay.
434
00:17:30,759 --> 00:17:34,554
DEFCON 20.
435
00:17:34,596 --> 00:17:35,597
She wants to get
back together.
436
00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:36,806
What are you gonna do?
437
00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:38,433
I don't know.
That's why you're here.
438
00:17:38,475 --> 00:17:39,684
Help me, please.
439
00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:40,727
Would you wanna get
back together with her?
440
00:17:40,769 --> 00:17:42,395
No!
No.
441
00:17:42,437 --> 00:17:43,521
What do I do?
442
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,482
Just don't get
back together with her.
443
00:17:45,523 --> 00:17:46,733
What if she makes me?
444
00:17:46,775 --> 00:17:48,443
How can she make you
get back together with her?
445
00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:50,987
She made me do a lot of things
I didn't wanna do.
446
00:17:51,029 --> 00:17:53,323
This was
a terrible relationship.
447
00:17:53,365 --> 00:17:54,824
You were not happy
when you were with her.
448
00:17:54,866 --> 00:17:56,076
I wasn't.
449
00:17:56,117 --> 00:17:57,952
You're so much happier now.
450
00:17:57,994 --> 00:17:59,913
Just go in there
and be strong.
451
00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:01,498
You're right.
452
00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:03,166
You are absolutely right,
I need to go in there
453
00:18:03,208 --> 00:18:05,126
and tell her
that we can't be together.
454
00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:06,795
(Pam)
Right.
455
00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,254
Wow.
(Karen) You can do it.
456
00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:10,590
I'm in a very good place
right now.
457
00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:11,758
Thank you.
458
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,551
[Pam whispering]
Go. Go, go.
459
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,095
[all sigh]
460
00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:17,055
Okay.
[clears throat]
461
00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:18,348
Jan...
462
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:22,435
We need to talk.
463
00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:30,110
(Michael)
Jan is in a different place right now.
464
00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:32,237
And it is a sign
of maturity
465
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:34,989
to give people
second chances.
466
00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:37,867
So I'm going to hear her out.
467
00:18:43,415 --> 00:18:45,917
Oh, my God.
468
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:49,921
[mouthing]
469
00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:51,506
Yeah, bigger actually.
470
00:18:51,548 --> 00:18:52,674
[whispering]
That's crazy.
471
00:18:52,716 --> 00:18:53,967
(Jim)
Mm-hmm.
472
00:18:54,009 --> 00:18:55,385
[mouthing]
Wow!
473
00:18:57,554 --> 00:19:00,056
Oh, my God,
can you believe that?
474
00:19:00,098 --> 00:19:01,349
Unbelievable.
475
00:19:01,391 --> 00:19:02,851
Wow.
476
00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:03,893
(Jim)
She could put the cup right there.
477
00:19:03,935 --> 00:19:04,936
(Karen)
I know.
478
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:06,354
No, it's fine.
479
00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:08,356
I'm sure it must've been weird
for Jim
480
00:19:08,398 --> 00:19:11,401
when Roy and I
were joking around.
481
00:19:11,443 --> 00:19:13,236
That one time.
482
00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:16,698
(Meredith)
I would never do that.
483
00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:18,575
Waste of money.
484
00:19:18,616 --> 00:19:21,369
In my experience,
guys are way more attracted
485
00:19:21,411 --> 00:19:23,997
to the back of you
than to the front.
486
00:19:24,039 --> 00:19:25,957
I love fake boobs.
487
00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:28,835
Oftentimes you find them
on strippers.
488
00:19:28,877 --> 00:19:30,128
I find it offensive.
489
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:31,713
Au naturel, baby.
490
00:19:31,755 --> 00:19:33,173
That's how I like 'em.
491
00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:35,800
Swing low, sweet chariots.
492
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:37,302
Jan looks hot.
493
00:19:37,344 --> 00:19:40,638
Yeah, Jan looks so hot.
494
00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:45,393
So...
495
00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:47,020
There are a lot of things
I would like to do differently.
496
00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:48,229
Yeah.
497
00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:50,148
I feel like
when we first got together,
498
00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:52,067
that I had a problem
with my priorities.
499
00:19:52,108 --> 00:19:53,526
First got priorities.
500
00:19:53,568 --> 00:19:56,279
And if we could talk
about a way to approach
501
00:19:56,321 --> 00:19:57,739
a possible reconciliation--
502
00:19:57,781 --> 00:20:00,408
Let's get back together.
503
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:01,826
[laughs]
504
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:02,911
No.
No, no, no, no.
505
00:20:02,952 --> 00:20:04,079
I'll tell you this,
506
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:05,955
it is not
because of the boob job.
507
00:20:05,997 --> 00:20:08,083
Excuse me,
boob enhancement.
508
00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:09,334
That would be shallow.
509
00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:11,378
And this is the opposite
of shallow.
510
00:20:11,419 --> 00:20:14,923
This is emotionally magnificent.
511
00:20:14,964 --> 00:20:16,299
Okay, everyone, listen up!
512
00:20:16,341 --> 00:20:19,427
Time to begin
the interview process!
513
00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:23,264
Andrew Bernard.
514
00:20:23,306 --> 00:20:25,100
Saved the best
for first.
515
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:26,768
All right, you guys,
see you later.
516
00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:28,103
Wish us luck.
517
00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:29,312
No--hey, hey, hey,
do not wish them luck.
518
00:20:29,354 --> 00:20:30,563
Do not wish them luck.
519
00:20:30,605 --> 00:20:32,440
All luck must be wished
unto Michael.
520
00:20:32,482 --> 00:20:34,234
(everyone)
Good luck, you guys.
521
00:20:34,275 --> 00:20:35,652
What did I say?
522
00:20:35,694 --> 00:20:36,653
Good luck.
523
00:20:36,695 --> 00:20:38,488
Thanks.
524
00:20:41,825 --> 00:20:43,284
(Pam)
I'm happy for him.
525
00:20:43,326 --> 00:20:45,078
I hope he gets the job.
526
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:47,122
I really just want him
to be happy.
527
00:20:47,163 --> 00:20:48,832
And I know that sounds cliché.
528
00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:53,586
And I know saying
it sounds cliché sounds cliché.
529
00:20:53,628 --> 00:20:56,047
Maybe I'm being cliché,
I don't care.
530
00:20:56,089 --> 00:20:58,508
'Cause I am what I am.
531
00:21:00,135 --> 00:21:02,178
That's Popeye.
532
00:21:02,220 --> 00:21:03,972
I am going to begin
this process
533
00:21:04,014 --> 00:21:05,765
with a simple test
of intelligence
534
00:21:05,807 --> 00:21:08,643
and mental dexterity.
535
00:21:08,685 --> 00:21:09,811
What is the best color?
536
00:21:09,853 --> 00:21:13,565
White, because it contains
all other colors.
537
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,817
Wrong, black.
It is the most dominant.
538
00:21:15,859 --> 00:21:17,235
How do you make a table?
539
00:21:17,277 --> 00:21:20,405
You make a chair,
but you don't sit on it.
540
00:21:20,447 --> 00:21:21,656
What is the capital
of Maine?
541
00:21:21,698 --> 00:21:24,451
The capital of Maine
is Montpelier, Vermont.
542
00:21:24,492 --> 00:21:26,578
Which is near Ithaca, New York,
543
00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:27,996
where I went to Cornell.
544
00:21:28,038 --> 00:21:30,999
Okay, also, moratorium
on Cornell talk.
545
00:21:31,041 --> 00:21:32,125
Don't wanna hear about it.
546
00:21:32,167 --> 00:21:33,460
Forget your personal history,
547
00:21:33,501 --> 00:21:34,961
and learn the history
of this company.
548
00:21:35,003 --> 00:21:36,004
Should not be a problem.
549
00:21:36,046 --> 00:21:37,172
I minored in history
550
00:21:37,213 --> 00:21:39,049
in the Ivy League school
which I attended.
551
00:21:39,090 --> 00:21:41,384
You're not off
to a very good start, Bernard.
552
00:21:41,426 --> 00:21:43,345
I agree.
553
00:21:43,386 --> 00:21:45,680
But in another way,
554
00:21:45,722 --> 00:21:49,100
I am off to a very good start,
wouldn't you say?
555
00:21:49,142 --> 00:21:52,520
I am a great interviewee.
Why?
556
00:21:52,562 --> 00:21:54,856
Because I have something
no one else has.
557
00:21:54,898 --> 00:21:56,941
My brain.
558
00:21:56,983 --> 00:22:01,321
Which I use to my advantage,
when advantageous.
559
00:22:01,363 --> 00:22:05,867
What is 879 times 413.7?
560
00:22:05,909 --> 00:22:12,749
2,401.647, repeating.
561
00:22:12,791 --> 00:22:13,875
Inventor of the cotton gin?
562
00:22:13,917 --> 00:22:15,168
Eli Edison.
563
00:22:15,210 --> 00:22:16,836
When is the Paleolithic Age?
564
00:22:16,878 --> 00:22:18,338
17 B.C.
565
00:22:18,380 --> 00:22:19,881
Who was the second man
on the moon?
566
00:22:19,923 --> 00:22:21,633
Trick question.
567
00:22:21,675 --> 00:22:24,552
There was no second man
on the moon.
568
00:22:24,594 --> 00:22:31,226
My brain makes me charming,
witty, intelligent.
569
00:22:35,271 --> 00:22:36,981
And quick on my feet.
570
00:22:37,023 --> 00:22:38,733
Talk me through
an appendectomy.
571
00:22:38,775 --> 00:22:40,318
Step one, disinfection.
572
00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:42,070
Step two, incision.
573
00:22:42,112 --> 00:22:44,906
Step three,
remove the appendix tenderly
574
00:22:44,948 --> 00:22:48,493
so it doesn't burst
and spread toxicity everywhere.
575
00:22:48,535 --> 00:22:51,705
Step four,
the "ectomy" procedure.
576
00:22:51,746 --> 00:22:53,039
Step five?
577
00:22:53,081 --> 00:22:54,165
[indistinct]
578
00:22:54,207 --> 00:22:56,167
Suture the wounds.
Sutures, yes.
579
00:22:56,209 --> 00:23:00,130
Interviewing
is about setting traps,
580
00:23:00,171 --> 00:23:02,632
waiting, and springing them.
581
00:23:02,674 --> 00:23:05,677
What is the origin of species?
How far away is Venus?
582
00:23:05,719 --> 00:23:08,263
Define scorched earth policy.
How do you please a woman?
583
00:23:08,304 --> 00:23:09,764
What is a scented candle?
584
00:23:09,806 --> 00:23:13,268
It is about mentally twisting
your opponent's thoughts
585
00:23:13,309 --> 00:23:14,936
out of their heads,
586
00:23:14,978 --> 00:23:19,232
and when they least suspect it,
strangling them with it.
587
00:23:19,274 --> 00:23:20,650
What is the Dharma Initiative?
588
00:23:20,692 --> 00:23:24,237
It is the source of all energy
on this planet--
589
00:23:24,279 --> 00:23:26,740
Wrong, it is a corporation
formed by aliens.
590
00:23:26,781 --> 00:23:27,949
It is chess.
591
00:23:27,991 --> 00:23:29,909
Check.
No.
592
00:23:29,951 --> 00:23:31,578
Checkmate.
593
00:23:31,619 --> 00:23:33,288
[grunts]
594
00:23:33,329 --> 00:23:36,124
Your hands are so soft.
[pants]
595
00:23:36,166 --> 00:23:37,876
Thank you.
596
00:23:37,917 --> 00:23:38,960
You didn't let me finish.
597
00:23:39,002 --> 00:23:40,712
They're soft, like a woman's.
598
00:23:40,754 --> 00:23:41,796
Trash talk!
599
00:23:41,838 --> 00:23:44,883
Ooh, good one.
I wonder if I'll recover.
600
00:23:44,924 --> 00:23:47,927
Oh--oh!
Looks like I did.
601
00:23:47,969 --> 00:23:49,637
Time!
Nope, you failed.
602
00:23:49,679 --> 00:23:50,930
Damn it!
603
00:23:50,972 --> 00:23:53,641
This interview is over.
I'll let you know.
604
00:23:54,934 --> 00:23:56,644
Hey, thank you so much
605
00:23:56,686 --> 00:23:58,146
for driving me down
for my interview.
606
00:23:58,188 --> 00:23:59,647
Totally.
No problem.
607
00:23:59,689 --> 00:24:02,067
{\an8}What are you interviewing for,
by the way?
608
00:24:02,108 --> 00:24:03,318
{\an8}My assistant, or...
609
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:04,652
Oh, you know,
I'm gonna have
610
00:24:04,694 --> 00:24:06,696
a "Congratulations, Karen"
party,
611
00:24:06,738 --> 00:24:08,656
um, tomorrow night
at my friend's house.
612
00:24:08,698 --> 00:24:11,076
Oh, wow, that sounds fun. Yeah.
613
00:24:11,117 --> 00:24:13,078
Is your friend
named Karen too?
614
00:24:13,119 --> 00:24:14,245
What did she accomplish?
615
00:24:14,287 --> 00:24:16,331
No, I'm sorry.
I should've been clearer.
616
00:24:16,373 --> 00:24:17,582
Uh-huh.
It's for me.
617
00:24:17,624 --> 00:24:19,459
Oh.
'Cause I'm gonna get the job.
618
00:24:21,795 --> 00:24:23,630
How remarkable.
619
00:24:23,672 --> 00:24:25,340
Thanks.
620
00:24:25,382 --> 00:24:27,676
[both exhale loudly]
621
00:24:27,717 --> 00:24:29,135
Wait, let me just
check one more thing.
622
00:24:29,177 --> 00:24:31,388
Oh, okay.
623
00:24:32,847 --> 00:24:34,641
Very good.
624
00:24:39,270 --> 00:24:42,440
All right, well,
I have to get back.
625
00:24:42,482 --> 00:24:44,275
But I will see you
in New York tomorrow, right?
626
00:24:44,317 --> 00:24:45,527
Yes, indeed.
627
00:24:45,568 --> 00:24:46,903
Good luck
with your interview.
628
00:24:46,945 --> 00:24:49,531
Thank you.
629
00:24:49,572 --> 00:24:51,741
[Jan whispering]
Bye.
630
00:24:56,830 --> 00:24:59,833
So I guess we're getting
back together.
631
00:24:59,874 --> 00:25:01,042
What happened?
632
00:25:01,084 --> 00:25:02,919
Your advice was good,
633
00:25:02,961 --> 00:25:05,338
but Jan's was bigger.
634
00:25:05,380 --> 00:25:06,923
(Michael)
Here's the sitch.
635
00:25:06,965 --> 00:25:08,717
Two weeks ago,
636
00:25:08,758 --> 00:25:11,219
I was in the worst relationship
of my life.
637
00:25:11,261 --> 00:25:13,304
She treated me poorly.
638
00:25:13,346 --> 00:25:15,932
We didn't connect.
I was miserable.
639
00:25:15,974 --> 00:25:20,145
Now I'm in the best
relationship of my life
640
00:25:20,186 --> 00:25:23,523
with the same woman.
641
00:25:23,565 --> 00:25:26,401
Love is a mystery.
642
00:25:26,443 --> 00:25:28,945
So, we have all night.
Where do you wanna go first?
643
00:25:28,987 --> 00:25:31,489
I don't know.
How 'bout the U.N.?
644
00:25:31,531 --> 00:25:33,575
How often do you
come here?
645
00:25:33,616 --> 00:25:35,410
Mm, every time
my sixth grade class
646
00:25:35,452 --> 00:25:36,911
goes on a field trip.
647
00:25:36,953 --> 00:25:39,914
Well, I think you're really
gonna enjoy this, Adult Jim.
648
00:25:45,837 --> 00:25:48,381
Hey, everybody.
649
00:25:48,423 --> 00:25:49,758
The next time you see me,
650
00:25:49,799 --> 00:25:52,635
I will be working
for corporate.
651
00:25:52,677 --> 00:25:54,304
Starting tomorrow,
Dwight Schrute
652
00:25:54,346 --> 00:25:56,598
will be running the branch.
653
00:25:56,639 --> 00:26:00,352
So without further ado...
654
00:26:00,393 --> 00:26:01,936
[Natalie Merchant's
Kind and Generous on recorder]
655
00:26:01,978 --> 00:26:04,606
I would like to start saying
my goodbyes.
656
00:26:04,647 --> 00:26:09,402
♪ For everything you've done ♪
657
00:26:09,444 --> 00:26:13,323
♪ You know I'm bound ♪
658
00:26:13,365 --> 00:26:16,076
♪ I'm bound to thank you
for it ♪
659
00:26:16,117 --> 00:26:18,161
♪ Na na na na na na na ♪
660
00:26:18,203 --> 00:26:20,163
(Pam)
Michael?
661
00:26:20,955 --> 00:26:25,794
Um, maybe we should wait
for the official goodbye party.
662
00:26:25,835 --> 00:26:29,506
Um... okay, fine.
663
00:26:29,547 --> 00:26:31,925
But regarding the official
goodbye party,
664
00:26:31,966 --> 00:26:33,593
open up the purse strings
on this one.
665
00:26:33,635 --> 00:26:37,138
Pam, let's really, really
go to town.
666
00:26:37,180 --> 00:26:38,473
No expense spared.
667
00:26:38,515 --> 00:26:39,974
What do you say?
Real blowout?
668
00:26:40,016 --> 00:26:41,768
Okay.
669
00:26:41,810 --> 00:26:46,481
♪ I want to thank you ♪
670
00:26:46,523 --> 00:26:49,150
Good night.
671
00:26:49,192 --> 00:26:51,277
And good luck.
672
00:26:51,319 --> 00:26:57,033
♪ The love and the honesty
that you gave me ♪
673
00:26:57,075 --> 00:26:58,702
[music stops]
674
00:27:02,372 --> 00:27:05,375
Who's ready to work?
675
00:27:07,585 --> 00:27:10,797
You win or lose military
battles on the first day.
676
00:27:10,839 --> 00:27:13,299
Vietnam, lost on the first day.
677
00:27:13,341 --> 00:27:15,176
World War II, first day.
678
00:27:15,218 --> 00:27:19,055
World War I, two days.
Special circumstances.
679
00:27:19,097 --> 00:27:22,100
And that is what is at stake
for me.
680
00:27:22,142 --> 00:27:24,894
On this first day,
681
00:27:24,936 --> 00:27:29,983
I need to get the respect,
take control, establish myself.
682
00:27:30,025 --> 00:27:33,611
The Battle of Dunder-Mifflin
has begun.
683
00:27:35,238 --> 00:27:36,865
[car horn honks]
684
00:27:36,906 --> 00:27:38,199
(Jim)
You know, every time I come into New York,
685
00:27:38,241 --> 00:27:39,784
I never have a good time.
686
00:27:39,826 --> 00:27:41,995
It's too crowded,
it's too expensive.
687
00:27:42,037 --> 00:27:44,581
But tonight was awesome.
688
00:27:44,622 --> 00:27:46,541
Guess it's just
who you're with.
689
00:27:46,583 --> 00:27:48,626
Yeah, we went
to The Spotted Pig
690
00:27:48,668 --> 00:27:50,211
for dinner,
it's in the Village.
691
00:27:50,253 --> 00:27:51,629
Uh, Karen knew it.
692
00:27:51,671 --> 00:27:54,049
And then we second-acted
Spamalot.
693
00:27:54,090 --> 00:27:56,051
That's when you sneak in
at intermission
694
00:27:56,092 --> 00:27:57,385
with all the smokers.
695
00:27:57,427 --> 00:28:00,805
And then we went to a bar
that used to be a church.
696
00:28:00,847 --> 00:28:03,892
Oh, and at this one bar,
I swear I saw Lorne Michaels.
697
00:28:03,933 --> 00:28:06,269
That wasn't him.
698
00:28:06,311 --> 00:28:07,687
[mouthing]
Yes, it was.
699
00:28:07,729 --> 00:28:08,980
So what's gonna happen
with us
700
00:28:09,022 --> 00:28:10,148
when I get this job?
701
00:28:10,190 --> 00:28:12,525
Oh, do you mean
when I get the job?
702
00:28:12,567 --> 00:28:15,320
Well, if you get the job...
703
00:28:15,362 --> 00:28:18,323
then I'd move here
with you.
704
00:28:18,365 --> 00:28:20,575
Would you move with me?
705
00:28:20,617 --> 00:28:22,369
I'm not stupid, okay?
706
00:28:22,410 --> 00:28:24,579
I was at the beach.
707
00:28:24,621 --> 00:28:26,956
We don't have a future
in Scranton.
708
00:28:26,998 --> 00:28:30,418
There's
one too many people there.
709
00:28:30,460 --> 00:28:32,379
You mean Kevin?
710
00:28:32,420 --> 00:28:33,505
Exactly.
711
00:28:33,546 --> 00:28:35,423
[laughs]
712
00:28:35,465 --> 00:28:38,259
No, but you get it, right?
713
00:28:38,301 --> 00:28:40,261
We can't stay there.
714
00:28:40,303 --> 00:28:42,263
Yeah.
715
00:28:42,305 --> 00:28:44,516
I do.
716
00:28:44,557 --> 00:28:46,976
Come on.
717
00:28:59,364 --> 00:29:00,990
[exhales loudly]
718
00:29:01,032 --> 00:29:03,576
How are you guys doing?
Need anything?
719
00:29:03,618 --> 00:29:04,994
Uh, no, we're good. Thanks.
720
00:29:05,036 --> 00:29:06,788
I have been here
a bunch of times,
721
00:29:06,830 --> 00:29:08,331
so I know where
everything is.
722
00:29:08,373 --> 00:29:09,791
Know everybody's names.
723
00:29:09,833 --> 00:29:11,626
If you need to know
somebody's name, just ask me.
724
00:29:14,504 --> 00:29:16,464
Who's that?
725
00:29:16,506 --> 00:29:18,299
That is Beardy.
726
00:29:18,341 --> 00:29:20,260
Beardy?
Mm-hmm.
727
00:29:20,301 --> 00:29:21,678
I'm gonna introduce myself.
No, no.
728
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:22,804
Just--that's not his real name.
729
00:29:22,846 --> 00:29:25,515
That's just
what I call him, so...
730
00:29:25,557 --> 00:29:27,308
I am by far
the most qualified person
731
00:29:27,350 --> 00:29:28,685
they're interviewing.
732
00:29:28,727 --> 00:29:30,103
Jim and Karen are here.
733
00:29:30,145 --> 00:29:31,396
Which is cute.
734
00:29:31,438 --> 00:29:34,816
They're like kid actors
tagging along with Daddy
735
00:29:34,858 --> 00:29:36,317
on the big audition.
736
00:29:36,359 --> 00:29:38,028
Hoping to be discovered.
737
00:29:38,069 --> 00:29:41,656
Except Daddy
is the best actor around.
738
00:29:41,698 --> 00:29:45,243
Daddy is Meryl Streep.
739
00:29:45,285 --> 00:29:47,412
Michael is gone.
740
00:29:47,454 --> 00:29:50,790
Hail to the chief!
741
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:53,877
My first order of business,
742
00:29:53,918 --> 00:29:56,504
make Andrew Bernard
my number two.
743
00:29:56,546 --> 00:29:59,466
My first order of business, accept.
744
00:29:59,507 --> 00:30:01,176
As if you had
a choice.
745
00:30:01,217 --> 00:30:02,844
[scoffs]
Duh.
746
00:30:02,886 --> 00:30:05,138
Opportunity of a lifetime.
747
00:30:05,180 --> 00:30:06,723
[spits]
748
00:30:06,765 --> 00:30:09,684
Three months ago,
I was nowhere.
749
00:30:09,726 --> 00:30:13,188
I was just a Cornell grad
in anger management.
750
00:30:13,229 --> 00:30:15,565
Look where I am now.
751
00:30:15,607 --> 00:30:17,275
Not bad.
752
00:30:17,317 --> 00:30:19,903
[laughs]
753
00:30:21,196 --> 00:30:22,739
Hey, Hunter!
754
00:30:22,781 --> 00:30:24,407
[accented]
What's up, my brother?
755
00:30:24,449 --> 00:30:27,077
This is Hunter,
secretary extraordinaire.
756
00:30:27,118 --> 00:30:29,079
Uh, administrative assistant.
757
00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:31,081
Jan in yet?
I think she's coming in later.
758
00:30:31,122 --> 00:30:32,332
Could you give her
a message for me
759
00:30:32,374 --> 00:30:33,541
when she gets in?
760
00:30:33,583 --> 00:30:35,627
Sure.
761
00:30:35,669 --> 00:30:39,756
Just say,
"I want to squeeze them."
762
00:30:39,798 --> 00:30:42,258
It's code.
She'll know what it means.
763
00:30:42,300 --> 00:30:43,718
Okay.
764
00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:44,928
Oh, and Hunter?
765
00:30:44,969 --> 00:30:47,180
Could you tell her,
"Brr," also?
766
00:30:50,975 --> 00:30:52,602
You showed
great leadership potential
767
00:30:52,644 --> 00:30:53,728
at the coal walk.
768
00:30:53,770 --> 00:30:55,063
Even if you did follow it
769
00:30:55,105 --> 00:30:58,108
with that embarrassing
personal confession.
770
00:30:58,149 --> 00:30:59,192
Thank you.
771
00:30:59,234 --> 00:31:01,069
I had to make Andy
my number two.
772
00:31:01,111 --> 00:31:02,696
It's political, complicated.
773
00:31:02,737 --> 00:31:03,947
You wouldn't understand.
774
00:31:03,988 --> 00:31:09,160
I want you to be
assistant regional manager.
775
00:31:09,202 --> 00:31:10,245
Really?
776
00:31:10,286 --> 00:31:12,288
Well, in a sense.
777
00:31:12,330 --> 00:31:14,457
Although publicly,
I am going to retain
778
00:31:14,499 --> 00:31:16,710
the assistant regional manager position.
779
00:31:16,751 --> 00:31:18,086
You will be
your own assistant.
780
00:31:18,128 --> 00:31:20,088
Correct, I need someone
I can trust.
781
00:31:20,130 --> 00:31:22,465
But I would also like
the title
782
00:31:22,507 --> 00:31:25,010
to be secretly applied to you.
783
00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:28,638
Just stripped
of its pomp and frills.
784
00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:31,266
Okay.
785
00:31:31,307 --> 00:31:35,270
So you would be
the regional manager
786
00:31:35,311 --> 00:31:37,981
and the assistant
regional manager.
787
00:31:38,023 --> 00:31:40,483
Andy is your number two.
788
00:31:40,525 --> 00:31:43,903
I would be the secret
assistant regional manager.
789
00:31:43,945 --> 00:31:45,321
Mm, let's call it
secret assistant
790
00:31:45,363 --> 00:31:46,573
to the regional manager.
791
00:31:46,614 --> 00:31:47,782
Mm-hmm.
792
00:31:47,824 --> 00:31:50,368
Do you accept?
793
00:31:50,410 --> 00:31:51,995
Absolutely, I do.
794
00:31:52,037 --> 00:31:53,496
I learned from Jim,
795
00:31:53,538 --> 00:31:56,583
if Dwight ever asks you
if you accept something secret,
796
00:31:56,624 --> 00:32:00,378
you reply,
"Absolutely, I do."
797
00:32:14,017 --> 00:32:15,852
[phone beeps]
798
00:32:15,894 --> 00:32:17,187
(Angela)
Hello?
799
00:32:17,228 --> 00:32:18,396
[whispering]
Keep an eye on Pam.
800
00:32:18,438 --> 00:32:19,939
Done.
801
00:32:26,404 --> 00:32:27,697
Hello, hello!
802
00:32:27,739 --> 00:32:29,157
Michael, good to see you.
803
00:32:29,199 --> 00:32:30,867
Good to see you.
Have a seat.
804
00:32:30,909 --> 00:32:32,619
Here are the post-merger
performance stats
805
00:32:32,660 --> 00:32:34,371
that you asked for. Great.
806
00:32:34,412 --> 00:32:36,289
I've been meaning to thank you,
by the way.
807
00:32:36,331 --> 00:32:38,208
You didn't lose a single
customer in the merger,
808
00:32:38,249 --> 00:32:39,584
and you still managed
to trim the budget.
809
00:32:39,626 --> 00:32:42,879
That is nice work.
810
00:32:42,921 --> 00:32:46,383
So let me ask you a question
right off the bat.
811
00:32:46,424 --> 00:32:47,676
What do you think
are your greatest strengths
812
00:32:47,717 --> 00:32:49,135
as a manager?
813
00:32:49,177 --> 00:32:51,805
Why don't I tell you what
my greatest weaknesses are?
814
00:32:51,846 --> 00:32:53,556
I work too hard.
815
00:32:53,598 --> 00:32:55,141
I care too much.
816
00:32:55,183 --> 00:32:58,853
And sometimes I can be
too invested in my job.
817
00:33:00,313 --> 00:33:01,773
Okay.
818
00:33:01,815 --> 00:33:03,233
And your strengths?
819
00:33:03,274 --> 00:33:06,653
Well, my weaknesses
are actually strengths.
820
00:33:06,695 --> 00:33:09,906
Oh!
Yes, very good.
821
00:33:09,948 --> 00:33:10,949
Thank you.
822
00:33:10,990 --> 00:33:12,283
Very good.
823
00:33:12,325 --> 00:33:15,286
Well, if Michael gets the job,
I will be so upset,
824
00:33:15,328 --> 00:33:17,247
because Dwight used to
have a crush on me,
825
00:33:17,288 --> 00:33:19,249
so if he's boss,
it'll be really awkward.
826
00:33:19,290 --> 00:33:20,583
Mm-hmm.
But if Jim gets it,
827
00:33:20,625 --> 00:33:22,293
you should be happy because
you have a crush on him,
828
00:33:22,335 --> 00:33:24,087
and he totally
doesn't feel the same way,
829
00:33:24,129 --> 00:33:25,422
and then he'll be gone.
830
00:33:25,463 --> 00:33:28,425
Yeah, well, you know,
whatever happens...
831
00:33:28,466 --> 00:33:30,301
Oh.
832
00:33:30,343 --> 00:33:33,430
Pam, he's just
not that into you.
833
00:33:33,471 --> 00:33:35,098
Oh, I know.
834
00:33:35,140 --> 00:33:36,641
We talked about it,
and he told me.
835
00:33:36,683 --> 00:33:38,852
No, seriously, Pam, wake up.
836
00:33:38,893 --> 00:33:40,770
Okay.
837
00:33:40,812 --> 00:33:43,148
Kelly made me
realize something.
838
00:33:43,189 --> 00:33:47,485
She and I have
nothing in common.
839
00:33:47,527 --> 00:33:49,863
And I need more friends.
840
00:33:49,904 --> 00:33:51,614
Plus, I think we should
also employ
841
00:33:51,656 --> 00:33:53,825
a team-based sales strategy.
842
00:33:53,867 --> 00:33:55,076
That's what we're doing
in Scranton,
843
00:33:55,118 --> 00:33:56,119
and that's why
our sales are up.
844
00:33:56,161 --> 00:33:57,537
Tell me more about that.
845
00:33:57,579 --> 00:33:59,789
Well, maybe you should
give me the job first.
846
00:33:59,831 --> 00:34:01,291
That was just a taste.
[laughs]
847
00:34:01,332 --> 00:34:03,543
I'm like a drug dealer
that way.
848
00:34:03,585 --> 00:34:05,754
Where do you see yourself
in ten years?
849
00:34:05,795 --> 00:34:07,047
Well...
[clears throat]
850
00:34:07,088 --> 00:34:10,633
I've actually done a lot
of thinking about that.
851
00:34:10,675 --> 00:34:12,469
And in ten years,
852
00:34:12,510 --> 00:34:16,598
I am living in a big house
with my kids.
853
00:34:16,639 --> 00:34:22,812
And in this house,
we have screens on the walls
854
00:34:22,854 --> 00:34:26,483
that have famous art on them.
855
00:34:26,524 --> 00:34:29,611
And I have a remote
that works everything,
856
00:34:29,652 --> 00:34:32,947
that has, like,
a belt loop attachment.
857
00:34:32,989 --> 00:34:35,116
Or in my ear, like a Bluetooth.
858
00:34:35,158 --> 00:34:37,035
And because it's the future,
859
00:34:37,077 --> 00:34:39,996
I can take
just a little tiny pill
860
00:34:40,038 --> 00:34:41,998
and get all my vitamins
for the whole day.
861
00:34:42,040 --> 00:34:44,459
A multivitamin?
862
00:34:44,501 --> 00:34:46,670
I don't know
what it's gonna be called,
863
00:34:46,711 --> 00:34:52,175
but my point is the future
of this company is now.
864
00:34:52,217 --> 00:34:55,929
And the future is me.
865
00:35:05,563 --> 00:35:06,690
How do you feel?
866
00:35:06,731 --> 00:35:08,692
Tingly.
867
00:35:08,733 --> 00:35:10,402
You're gonna do great.
868
00:35:11,903 --> 00:35:13,071
How do I look?
869
00:35:13,113 --> 00:35:15,031
Like Antonin Scalia.
870
00:35:15,073 --> 00:35:18,368
[both breathe heavily]
871
00:35:18,410 --> 00:35:21,663
[sighs]
872
00:35:27,168 --> 00:35:28,837
Dwight is our new boss.
873
00:35:28,878 --> 00:35:30,964
Oh, Michael's
not going anywhere.
874
00:35:31,006 --> 00:35:32,716
Then who do you think
will get the job?
875
00:35:32,757 --> 00:35:34,134
Karen.
876
00:35:34,175 --> 00:35:36,553
She looks corporate.
877
00:35:36,594 --> 00:35:38,096
Those little pantsuits.
878
00:35:38,138 --> 00:35:39,514
I think
it's gonna be Michael.
879
00:35:39,556 --> 00:35:41,766
Do you really think
he's qualified for that job?
880
00:35:41,808 --> 00:35:44,477
No, but he wasn't qualified
for the job he has now,
881
00:35:44,519 --> 00:35:45,729
and he got that one.
882
00:35:45,770 --> 00:35:47,022
[laughing]
Yeah.
883
00:35:47,063 --> 00:35:48,690
Maybe Jim will get the job.
884
00:35:48,732 --> 00:35:51,484
No, it's going to be Karen.
885
00:35:51,526 --> 00:35:54,237
Why don't you guys
listen to me?
886
00:35:54,279 --> 00:35:56,281
I bet my friend
at the Albany branch
887
00:35:56,322 --> 00:35:58,950
that Karen would get the job.
888
00:35:58,992 --> 00:36:02,328
I bet him
a whole month's salary.
889
00:36:02,370 --> 00:36:04,539
Oh, God.
890
00:36:06,291 --> 00:36:09,085
I might have
a gambling problem.
891
00:36:09,127 --> 00:36:10,295
Listen up!
892
00:36:10,337 --> 00:36:12,589
Come to the center
of the room, please.
893
00:36:13,840 --> 00:36:18,053
This
is a Schrute buck.
894
00:36:18,094 --> 00:36:19,471
When you have done
something good,
895
00:36:19,512 --> 00:36:22,974
you will receive
one Schrute buck.
896
00:36:23,016 --> 00:36:24,684
1,000 Schrute bucks
897
00:36:24,726 --> 00:36:28,313
equals an extra five minutes
for lunch.
898
00:36:28,355 --> 00:36:30,565
What is the cash value
of a Schrute buck?
899
00:36:30,607 --> 00:36:32,108
Excellent question, Pam.
900
00:36:32,150 --> 00:36:33,777
1/100th of a cent.
901
00:36:33,818 --> 00:36:37,572
So 10,000 of your dollars
is worth one real dollar?
902
00:36:37,614 --> 00:36:40,075
Just zip your lid.
903
00:36:40,116 --> 00:36:43,828
Schrute bucks are legal tender
anywhere in this office park.
904
00:36:43,870 --> 00:36:46,581
They're fully backed by
the confidence our employees
905
00:36:46,623 --> 00:36:49,959
have in this company and in me,
their leader.
906
00:36:50,001 --> 00:36:51,586
I got the idea from our farm.
907
00:36:51,628 --> 00:36:53,755
We had a small roadside
family store
908
00:36:53,797 --> 00:36:56,800
which sold slightly
irregular beets and clothing.
909
00:36:56,841 --> 00:37:00,303
The Schrute children were paid
an allowance in store credit.
910
00:37:00,345 --> 00:37:04,015
We used it to buy
clothing and sundries.
911
00:37:04,057 --> 00:37:05,975
The prices were terrible.
912
00:37:06,017 --> 00:37:07,310
I still owe my great-aunt
913
00:37:07,352 --> 00:37:09,521
thousands of
Schrute deutsche marks.
914
00:37:09,562 --> 00:37:12,607
Ugh, she charged enormous
interest on the debt.
915
00:37:12,649 --> 00:37:15,485
It was very hard to dig
ourselves out of that hole.
916
00:37:15,527 --> 00:37:18,321
My cousin Heindl
could've been a great athlete.
917
00:37:18,363 --> 00:37:20,615
But he bought a pair of
irregular footie pajamas
918
00:37:20,657 --> 00:37:23,743
from the family store,
and his legs grew unevenly.
919
00:37:23,785 --> 00:37:27,247
Now he can only run in broad
elliptical patterns.
920
00:37:27,288 --> 00:37:29,082
When he would run for the bus,
921
00:37:29,124 --> 00:37:32,127
he would have to aim
45 degrees to the right,
922
00:37:32,168 --> 00:37:35,505
and the natural curve
of his warped leg path
923
00:37:35,547 --> 00:37:39,175
would eventually guide him
to the door.
924
00:37:39,217 --> 00:37:40,844
But no one needs to know
the history
925
00:37:40,885 --> 00:37:44,180
to enjoy the motivational
aspects of the Schrute buck.
926
00:37:44,222 --> 00:37:45,682
Another announcement.
927
00:37:45,724 --> 00:37:47,642
Michael wasted
an enormous amount
928
00:37:47,684 --> 00:37:49,185
of the group's time
and patience
929
00:37:49,227 --> 00:37:51,521
with non-work-related
ethnic celebrations
930
00:37:51,563 --> 00:37:54,524
and parades of soft-minded
do-good-edness.
931
00:37:54,566 --> 00:37:56,234
No longer.
932
00:37:56,276 --> 00:37:58,403
No more meetings.
933
00:37:58,445 --> 00:37:59,612
Amen.
934
00:37:59,654 --> 00:38:02,449
Instead, today I will begin
my first lecture
935
00:38:02,490 --> 00:38:04,409
in a long series of lectures
designed to increase
936
00:38:04,451 --> 00:38:06,244
your knowledge
on the world of paper.
937
00:38:06,286 --> 00:38:07,620
Do we have to?
938
00:38:07,662 --> 00:38:09,164
Yes.
Michael is gone.
939
00:38:09,205 --> 00:38:11,958
There's a new sheriff here
in these offices.
940
00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:13,543
And his name is me.
941
00:38:13,585 --> 00:38:16,129
Conference room, ten seconds.
942
00:38:16,171 --> 00:38:17,380
All of you!
943
00:38:17,422 --> 00:38:19,132
I literally cannot wait
until I see
944
00:38:19,174 --> 00:38:21,426
what Dwight has planned.
945
00:38:21,468 --> 00:38:23,261
And I wish Jim were here.
946
00:38:27,599 --> 00:38:28,933
What do you think
we could be doing better?
947
00:38:28,975 --> 00:38:31,436
I've never been a big fan
of the name Dunder-Mifflin.
948
00:38:31,478 --> 00:38:32,896
I was thinking we could
name the company
949
00:38:32,937 --> 00:38:35,523
something like Paper Great,
950
00:38:35,565 --> 00:38:37,692
where great paper's
our passion.
951
00:38:37,734 --> 00:38:40,278
[as Tony the Tiger]
We're grrreat!
952
00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:41,988
I don't know,
could be good.
953
00:38:42,030 --> 00:38:44,324
Or, uh, Super Duper Paper.
954
00:38:44,366 --> 00:38:46,284
It's super-duper.
955
00:38:46,326 --> 00:38:48,161
I don't know,
something like that.
956
00:38:49,079 --> 00:38:50,413
Okay.
Okay.
957
00:38:50,455 --> 00:38:51,831
Thanks for coming in, Michael.
Thank you.
958
00:38:51,873 --> 00:38:54,334
It is always a treat
when our paths cross.
959
00:38:54,376 --> 00:38:57,170
It is always a treat
when our paths cross.
960
00:38:57,212 --> 00:38:58,922
So--oh, before I forget,
961
00:38:58,963 --> 00:39:02,092
I wanted to let you know--
if you hadn't already heard--
962
00:39:02,133 --> 00:39:04,302
uh, Jan and I
are back together.
963
00:39:04,344 --> 00:39:05,970
So I may need to fill out
964
00:39:06,012 --> 00:39:07,972
one of those love documents again.
965
00:39:08,014 --> 00:39:09,182
You're back together.
966
00:39:09,224 --> 00:39:11,309
Yes, and I am very excited
about the prospect
967
00:39:11,351 --> 00:39:13,895
of working under her.
Or on top of her.
968
00:39:13,937 --> 00:39:16,940
Mm, that's not sexual,
just--we're all professionals.
969
00:39:16,981 --> 00:39:18,608
Okay, well.
970
00:39:18,650 --> 00:39:20,110
Uh, I thought it was clear
971
00:39:20,151 --> 00:39:22,737
in the description
of the position.
972
00:39:22,779 --> 00:39:25,532
The job you're applying for
is Jan's job.
973
00:39:25,573 --> 00:39:29,202
I don't understand.
So we're gonna tag team it?
974
00:39:29,244 --> 00:39:31,329
No, we're letting Jan go.
975
00:39:33,707 --> 00:39:38,920
Listen up.
Let's start from the ground up.
976
00:39:38,962 --> 00:39:41,297
Where does paper come from?
977
00:39:41,339 --> 00:39:42,841
(Dwight)
Trees.
978
00:39:42,882 --> 00:39:46,177
And where do trees grow?
979
00:39:46,219 --> 00:39:47,721
Forest.
Soil.
980
00:39:47,762 --> 00:39:49,222
Right.
981
00:39:49,264 --> 00:39:51,808
We have
in front of you here,
982
00:39:51,850 --> 00:39:56,688
seven different types
of Pennsylvania topsoil.
983
00:39:56,730 --> 00:40:01,401
Now, what would you say
is the most important element
984
00:40:01,443 --> 00:40:04,738
in the production
of aboveground leafy growth?
985
00:40:06,114 --> 00:40:07,824
Probably phosphorus, right?
986
00:40:07,866 --> 00:40:09,284
Wrong.
987
00:40:09,325 --> 00:40:10,827
It's nitrogen.
988
00:40:10,869 --> 00:40:13,288
Absorb this information.
989
00:40:15,081 --> 00:40:16,416
Good.
990
00:40:16,458 --> 00:40:18,251
Now, let us discuss precipitation.
991
00:40:18,293 --> 00:40:19,336
Stanley.
992
00:40:19,377 --> 00:40:20,837
When rainfall occurs,
993
00:40:20,879 --> 00:40:23,465
does it usually fall
in a liquid,
994
00:40:23,506 --> 00:40:26,343
solid, or gaseous state?
995
00:40:26,384 --> 00:40:27,802
Liquid.
996
00:40:27,844 --> 00:40:28,845
Very good.
997
00:40:28,887 --> 00:40:31,806
You have earned
one Schrute buck.
998
00:40:31,848 --> 00:40:33,558
I don't want it.
999
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:35,935
Then you have been deducted
50 Schrute bucks.
1000
00:40:35,977 --> 00:40:36,936
Make it 100.
1001
00:40:36,978 --> 00:40:39,314
Well...
1002
00:40:39,356 --> 00:40:41,232
Don't you wanna earn
Schrute bucks?
1003
00:40:41,274 --> 00:40:44,277
No--in fact,
I'll give you a billion
1004
00:40:44,319 --> 00:40:46,738
Stanley nickels
if you never talk to me again.
1005
00:40:46,780 --> 00:40:48,990
What's the ratio of Stanley
nickels to Schrute bucks?
1006
00:40:49,032 --> 00:40:51,409
The same as the ratio
of unicorns to leprechauns.
1007
00:40:51,451 --> 00:40:52,702
Okay.
That's it!
1008
00:40:52,744 --> 00:40:54,287
Class is cancelled.
Everybody out.
1009
00:40:54,329 --> 00:40:55,455
No, wait!
What are you doing?
1010
00:40:55,497 --> 00:40:56,623
I'm punishing them.
No, no, no!
1011
00:40:56,664 --> 00:40:57,707
Class is not cancelled!
1012
00:40:57,749 --> 00:40:58,958
[everybody talking at once]
1013
00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:00,585
Hey!
Come on!
1014
00:41:00,627 --> 00:41:04,005
Let's listen
to Dwight's presentation.
1015
00:41:05,882 --> 00:41:08,134
What--what are you winking for?
Zip your lid!
1016
00:41:08,176 --> 00:41:10,762
How is the new boss?
Tough.
1017
00:41:10,804 --> 00:41:13,682
Do people respect him?
They have to.
1018
00:41:13,723 --> 00:41:16,267
Do they like him?
Irrelevant.
1019
00:41:16,309 --> 00:41:19,270
They do not.
And I hate them back.
1020
00:41:19,312 --> 00:41:21,398
Hey, Prent.
1021
00:41:21,439 --> 00:41:24,234
Jim-o!
How you doing, man?
1022
00:41:24,275 --> 00:41:25,652
I'm doing great.
How you doing?
1023
00:41:25,694 --> 00:41:27,153
All right, all right.
I haven't seen you since
1024
00:41:27,195 --> 00:41:29,322
you were at Stamford. Yeah.
1025
00:41:29,364 --> 00:41:30,532
How'd the transition go?
1026
00:41:30,573 --> 00:41:32,534
It was great.
It went really well.
1027
00:41:32,575 --> 00:41:34,869
I actually might be working
here if I get the job.
1028
00:41:34,911 --> 00:41:36,121
I heard.
1029
00:41:36,162 --> 00:41:37,247
I'll put in
a good word for you.
1030
00:41:37,288 --> 00:41:38,415
Thank you.
1031
00:41:38,456 --> 00:41:39,958
Fantasy Football
is insane here.
1032
00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:43,044
Last year, I smashed a lamp
over a guy's head.
1033
00:41:43,086 --> 00:41:44,170
Wow.
Really?
1034
00:41:44,212 --> 00:41:46,506
No, I didn't do that.
I wouldn't do that.
1035
00:41:46,548 --> 00:41:49,300
But anyhow, it is intense.
It is intense.
1036
00:41:49,342 --> 00:41:51,261
Winner gets $10,000.
1037
00:41:51,302 --> 00:41:52,846
No way.
1038
00:41:52,887 --> 00:41:54,305
No, like, $500.
1039
00:41:54,347 --> 00:41:55,640
And you get, like,
a little crappy trophy,
1040
00:41:55,682 --> 00:41:57,267
but you're gonna have a great
interview, I know it,
1041
00:41:57,308 --> 00:41:58,810
and good luck, really.
Thank you.
1042
00:41:58,852 --> 00:42:00,270
I think I will have
a great interview.
1043
00:42:00,311 --> 00:42:02,147
I'm going in for it too.
1044
00:42:02,188 --> 00:42:04,190
I know you, I do!
Really?
1045
00:42:04,232 --> 00:42:05,984
Did we go to college together?
1046
00:42:06,026 --> 00:42:09,112
I kind of doubt it.
I think I'm younger than you.
1047
00:42:09,154 --> 00:42:11,406
No, it took me, like,
about 11 years to finish,
1048
00:42:11,448 --> 00:42:12,741
so it's still possible.
1049
00:42:12,782 --> 00:42:14,492
I--no--I would've--
Ms. Filippelli?
1050
00:42:14,534 --> 00:42:15,994
Mr. Wallace is ready for you.
1051
00:42:16,036 --> 00:42:18,621
Okay.
1052
00:42:18,663 --> 00:42:20,165
Good luck. Thanks.
1053
00:42:20,206 --> 00:42:22,042
Yeah.
1054
00:42:23,626 --> 00:42:28,423
Listen, um, I really did
smash a lamp over a guy's head.
1055
00:42:28,465 --> 00:42:29,883
But it had nothing to do
with Fantasy Football,
1056
00:42:29,924 --> 00:42:32,802
but I just thought
you should know.
1057
00:42:34,471 --> 00:42:35,722
Pop quiz!
1058
00:42:35,764 --> 00:42:37,974
I'm gonna name
a type of refuse,
1059
00:42:38,016 --> 00:42:41,144
and you will tell me
whether it belongs in recycling
1060
00:42:41,186 --> 00:42:45,023
to be reused into newsprint,
compost to enrich the soil,
1061
00:42:45,065 --> 00:42:46,524
or regular trash.
1062
00:42:46,566 --> 00:42:48,526
Oscar.
Cardboard.
1063
00:42:48,568 --> 00:42:50,070
Recycling?
Yes, very good.
1064
00:42:50,111 --> 00:42:52,197
One Schrute buck.
1065
00:42:52,238 --> 00:42:54,032
Creed.
Bird's nest.
1066
00:42:54,074 --> 00:42:56,242
Why would you throw away
a perfectly good bird's nest?
1067
00:42:56,284 --> 00:42:59,120
Okay, my answer was compost,
1068
00:42:59,162 --> 00:43:02,082
but you bring up a good point.
1069
00:43:02,123 --> 00:43:06,419
We each get a Schrute buck.
1070
00:43:06,461 --> 00:43:08,421
Number three, Meredith.
Human skull.
1071
00:43:08,463 --> 00:43:09,714
Recycling.
1072
00:43:09,756 --> 00:43:11,174
Wrong, trick question.
1073
00:43:11,216 --> 00:43:13,635
Contact the authorities
and obtain a burial license.
1074
00:43:13,677 --> 00:43:15,053
No one wants to bury a skull.
1075
00:43:15,095 --> 00:43:16,596
You guys, seriously.
I got a lot of work to do--
1076
00:43:16,638 --> 00:43:18,014
Listen--number four--
1077
00:43:18,056 --> 00:43:19,432
For 20 minutes--
Guys!
1078
00:43:19,474 --> 00:43:21,017
Listen!
Listen!
1079
00:43:21,059 --> 00:43:22,560
Zip your lid, Pam.
1080
00:43:22,602 --> 00:43:23,937
No one likes a kiss-up.
1081
00:43:26,940 --> 00:43:31,277
Number four.
Okay, moving right along.
1082
00:43:31,319 --> 00:43:33,655
Phyllis.
Yogurt container.
1083
00:43:35,448 --> 00:43:37,992
Phyllis, yogurt container.
1084
00:43:40,453 --> 00:43:42,789
I take my duties
as secret assistant
1085
00:43:42,831 --> 00:43:46,584
to the regional manager
very seriously.
1086
00:43:46,626 --> 00:43:49,754
[copier whirring]
1087
00:43:57,971 --> 00:44:00,640
Creed.
1088
00:44:07,814 --> 00:44:10,775
This is about 2.1 million
Schrutey bucks.
1089
00:44:10,817 --> 00:44:12,652
I'll take the cash, please.
1090
00:44:12,694 --> 00:44:15,530
Where did you get these?
I earned them.
1091
00:44:19,617 --> 00:44:20,952
These are counterfeit.
1092
00:44:20,994 --> 00:44:22,454
I found them.
I'm turning them in.
1093
00:44:22,495 --> 00:44:23,496
What's the reward?
1094
00:44:23,538 --> 00:44:24,956
No reward.
1095
00:44:24,998 --> 00:44:26,708
Listen, Schrutey.
1096
00:44:26,750 --> 00:44:28,543
Either give me the 200 bucks
1097
00:44:28,585 --> 00:44:30,253
or I'll flood the market
with these babies,
1098
00:44:30,295 --> 00:44:32,005
making them
virtually worthless.
1099
00:44:33,548 --> 00:44:36,051
The thing I didn't realize
about being the boss is that
1100
00:44:36,092 --> 00:44:39,637
it's harder to pal around
with people the way I used to.
1101
00:44:39,679 --> 00:44:42,057
Quite honestly, I miss that.
1102
00:44:42,098 --> 00:44:44,768
And I think they must
miss the old Dwight,
1103
00:44:44,809 --> 00:44:47,812
based on how stupid and awful
they're being.
1104
00:44:51,983 --> 00:44:53,401
Dwight?
1105
00:44:53,443 --> 00:44:56,905
I just wanted to say
thank you.
1106
00:44:56,946 --> 00:45:00,450
You were very helpful earlier.
1107
00:45:00,492 --> 00:45:02,369
Here's a five-spot.
1108
00:45:02,410 --> 00:45:05,622
Wow, thanks.
A 20th of a penny.
1109
00:45:05,663 --> 00:45:07,624
Hey, it'll add up, you'll see.
1110
00:45:07,665 --> 00:45:10,752
Few years from now,
you'll be a very wealthy woman.
1111
00:45:10,794 --> 00:45:14,714
Oh, I already am, Dwight.
1112
00:45:17,425 --> 00:45:20,595
I already am.
1113
00:45:24,099 --> 00:45:26,851
So that's my basic
five-year plan.
1114
00:45:26,893 --> 00:45:28,978
And then after that,
who knows?
1115
00:45:29,020 --> 00:45:30,355
Okay.
1116
00:45:30,397 --> 00:45:32,774
And now, this may seem
like an odd question.
1117
00:45:32,816 --> 00:45:34,901
Yeah?
But...
1118
00:45:34,943 --> 00:45:37,696
What do you think
about Michael Scott?
1119
00:45:37,737 --> 00:45:39,781
He's a very nice man.
Mm-hmm.
1120
00:45:39,823 --> 00:45:42,450
And he's very well-suited
for the job he has now.
1121
00:45:42,492 --> 00:45:43,785
This is off the record.
1122
00:45:43,827 --> 00:45:45,912
He would be a disaster.
1123
00:45:51,376 --> 00:45:52,961
Hey, you!
1124
00:45:53,003 --> 00:45:54,421
Hey.
1125
00:45:54,462 --> 00:45:56,297
How was your interview?
1126
00:45:56,339 --> 00:45:57,716
Pretty good.
Yeah?
1127
00:45:57,757 --> 00:45:58,925
Could've gone better,
I guess.
1128
00:45:58,967 --> 00:46:02,053
Oh, well, I will put in
a good word for you.
1129
00:46:02,095 --> 00:46:05,056
Cool, maybe you should do it
sooner rather than later.
1130
00:46:05,098 --> 00:46:06,433
What?
1131
00:46:06,474 --> 00:46:07,434
Uh, let's just run away together.
1132
00:46:07,475 --> 00:46:08,560
Let's run away
to Jamaica,
1133
00:46:08,601 --> 00:46:09,728
live in a bungalow.
1134
00:46:09,769 --> 00:46:10,729
You have some savings, right?
1135
00:46:10,770 --> 00:46:11,688
You can pay off my debts.
1136
00:46:11,730 --> 00:46:13,565
It would be fine.
1137
00:46:13,606 --> 00:46:14,733
We'd have fun.
1138
00:46:14,774 --> 00:46:17,110
What's--
what's the matter?
1139
00:46:17,152 --> 00:46:19,237
W-what happened
in there?
1140
00:46:19,279 --> 00:46:21,281
I can't tell you.
1141
00:46:22,782 --> 00:46:24,951
Tell me what?
1142
00:46:30,874 --> 00:46:33,043
You son of a bitch.
1143
00:46:33,084 --> 00:46:34,336
Jan, this isn't the time--
1144
00:46:34,377 --> 00:46:35,628
You're firing me?
1145
00:46:35,670 --> 00:46:37,422
Where the hell
do you get off?
1146
00:46:37,464 --> 00:46:38,757
[sighs]
1147
00:46:38,798 --> 00:46:40,759
Frankly, it's overdue.
1148
00:46:40,800 --> 00:46:42,761
Your behavior
in the last two years
1149
00:46:42,802 --> 00:46:44,179
has been completely erratic.
1150
00:46:44,220 --> 00:46:45,680
Erratic?
1151
00:46:45,722 --> 00:46:47,682
Recently, you don't even show
an interest in your work!
1152
00:46:47,724 --> 00:46:49,434
You smoke constantly
in your office.
1153
00:46:49,476 --> 00:46:51,519
You spend most of the day
online shopping.
1154
00:46:51,561 --> 00:46:54,147
You disappear for hours
at a time, sometimes days,
1155
00:46:54,189 --> 00:46:56,524
always saying you're visiting
your sister in Scottsdale.
1156
00:46:56,566 --> 00:46:58,610
You go to Scranton far more
often than you need to--
1157
00:46:58,651 --> 00:46:59,611
Is it because of these?
1158
00:46:59,652 --> 00:47:01,237
Whoa, hey, whoa, Jan--
1159
00:47:01,279 --> 00:47:02,822
I wanna know--
I wanna know!
1160
00:47:02,864 --> 00:47:05,658
Because if it is, then--
then I will see you in court.
1161
00:47:05,700 --> 00:47:07,577
It's not, it's not. No.
1162
00:47:07,619 --> 00:47:09,245
'Cause he likes them.
Okay?
1163
00:47:09,287 --> 00:47:11,956
He likes them, and that is--
that is all I care about.
1164
00:47:11,998 --> 00:47:13,416
The time has come
for you to end
1165
00:47:13,458 --> 00:47:15,919
your professional relationship
with this company.
1166
00:47:15,960 --> 00:47:17,629
You are clearly unstable.
1167
00:47:17,671 --> 00:47:18,797
Hey, you're unstable!
1168
00:47:18,838 --> 00:47:19,798
(Jan)
Yeah.
1169
00:47:19,839 --> 00:47:23,009
No.
We're all unstable.
1170
00:47:23,051 --> 00:47:24,594
Okay, you know what?
I'm just not leaving!
1171
00:47:24,636 --> 00:47:26,471
I'm not leaving.
1172
00:47:26,513 --> 00:47:27,806
(Jan)
Not leaving.
1173
00:47:27,847 --> 00:47:30,350
David,
I did not tell her.
1174
00:47:35,480 --> 00:47:36,690
(Andy) It's like I'm
staring into my soul
1175
00:47:36,731 --> 00:47:37,899
when I look
at this wall.
1176
00:47:37,941 --> 00:47:39,901
It's like outer space
without the stars.
1177
00:47:39,943 --> 00:47:41,194
It's so black.
1178
00:47:41,236 --> 00:47:43,822
This is gonna look
so awesome!
1179
00:47:43,863 --> 00:47:45,323
It's so intimidating.
1180
00:47:45,365 --> 00:47:46,324
Anyone who comes in here
1181
00:47:46,366 --> 00:47:48,368
is gonna have to take me seriously.
1182
00:47:48,410 --> 00:47:51,079
Abandon all hope,
ye who enter here.
1183
00:47:51,121 --> 00:47:53,081
[laughter]
(Andy) Totally.
1184
00:47:53,123 --> 00:47:55,917
Plus, I'm gonna hang up some
black light posters,
1185
00:47:55,959 --> 00:47:58,211
trick this place out.
1186
00:47:58,253 --> 00:48:00,755
A glow-in-the-dark
constellation on the ceiling.
1187
00:48:00,797 --> 00:48:03,508
Mini fridge, hot pot.
Oh, yeah.
1188
00:48:03,550 --> 00:48:05,051
You know what else?
What?
1189
00:48:05,093 --> 00:48:07,429
You should loft the desk.
1190
00:48:08,596 --> 00:48:10,557
[sighs]
1191
00:48:10,598 --> 00:48:12,058
[whispering]
Yes.
1192
00:48:12,100 --> 00:48:14,728
Now you're talking like
an assistant regional manager.
1193
00:48:14,769 --> 00:48:15,895
Yeah.
1194
00:48:15,937 --> 00:48:17,772
[both imitate explosion]
1195
00:48:28,450 --> 00:48:29,576
Bye, Hunter.
1196
00:48:29,617 --> 00:48:30,660
Bye.
1197
00:48:30,702 --> 00:48:31,786
[Jan exhales loudly]
1198
00:48:31,828 --> 00:48:33,955
Good luck with your band.
1199
00:48:33,997 --> 00:48:36,374
Oh, thank--
Don't let them change you.
1200
00:48:36,416 --> 00:48:37,834
Okay?
1201
00:48:40,545 --> 00:48:43,256
[clattering]
1202
00:48:58,688 --> 00:49:01,483
So long, [bleep].
1203
00:49:02,942 --> 00:49:06,488
So I am gonna give her
a ride home.
1204
00:49:06,529 --> 00:49:07,781
Let me know about the job.
1205
00:49:07,822 --> 00:49:09,199
Actually, Michael,
1206
00:49:09,240 --> 00:49:10,742
I think we're gonna take it
in another direction.
1207
00:49:10,784 --> 00:49:12,243
Good, I'm glad
we're on the same page.
1208
00:49:12,285 --> 00:49:13,828
I have a lot of ideas
for new directions.
1209
00:49:13,870 --> 00:49:16,873
No, we're not giving you
the job.
1210
00:49:22,295 --> 00:49:25,632
You know what?
That is actually good
1211
00:49:25,674 --> 00:49:28,009
because, um...
1212
00:49:28,051 --> 00:49:31,388
I don't think I could take
my girlfriend's job.
1213
00:49:31,429 --> 00:49:34,140
That's not being
a good boyfriend.
1214
00:49:34,182 --> 00:49:40,230
So I respectfully withdraw
my name from consideration.
1215
00:49:40,271 --> 00:49:42,107
Do you accept
my withdrawal?
1216
00:49:42,148 --> 00:49:43,942
I do.
Good, very good.
1217
00:49:43,983 --> 00:49:46,903
I am glad we are finally
on the same page.
1218
00:49:46,945 --> 00:49:48,530
Still have my job
in Scranton, though?
1219
00:49:48,571 --> 00:49:49,823
Yes.
Good.
1220
00:49:49,864 --> 00:49:51,741
It's all I ever wanted.
1221
00:49:51,783 --> 00:49:53,952
These two...
1222
00:49:53,993 --> 00:49:55,787
either one of them...
1223
00:49:55,829 --> 00:49:58,998
excellent candidates.
1224
00:50:01,334 --> 00:50:03,336
Wow.
[laughs]
1225
00:50:03,378 --> 00:50:07,632
That was some serious,
hardcore self-destruction.
1226
00:50:07,674 --> 00:50:09,134
Yeah.
1227
00:50:09,175 --> 00:50:10,468
Kinda feel bad
for her, though.
1228
00:50:10,510 --> 00:50:12,470
Don't.
She's nuts.
1229
00:50:12,512 --> 00:50:14,806
[laughter]
1230
00:50:14,848 --> 00:50:16,349
Oh, man.
1231
00:50:17,892 --> 00:50:19,728
You know what?
This might take a while.
1232
00:50:19,769 --> 00:50:21,521
You really don't have to stay,
if you don't want.
1233
00:50:21,563 --> 00:50:24,024
Okay, good, because
a bunch of my friends
1234
00:50:24,065 --> 00:50:25,692
are meeting downtown
for lunch,
1235
00:50:25,734 --> 00:50:27,110
and I was gonna meet them.
1236
00:50:27,152 --> 00:50:28,361
Okay.
So...
1237
00:50:28,403 --> 00:50:29,696
Just call me
when you're done.
1238
00:50:29,738 --> 00:50:31,156
Sure.
1239
00:50:31,197 --> 00:50:33,241
Good luck, Halpert.
Thank you.
1240
00:50:36,745 --> 00:50:38,621
[phone rings]
1241
00:50:38,663 --> 00:50:41,374
Dunder-Mifflin,
this is Grace.
1242
00:50:41,416 --> 00:50:44,044
Sure.
1243
00:50:45,754 --> 00:50:47,005
Oh, God!
1244
00:50:47,047 --> 00:50:48,548
I mean,
I just don't understand.
1245
00:50:48,590 --> 00:50:50,425
It's just so rude,
you know? I know.
1246
00:50:50,467 --> 00:50:52,052
I mean, the absolute nerve
of that guy!
1247
00:50:52,093 --> 00:50:53,303
I am sorry about that.
1248
00:50:53,345 --> 00:50:54,763
Oh, just...
That was terrible.
1249
00:50:54,804 --> 00:50:56,348
No, actually,
I think it's good.
1250
00:50:56,389 --> 00:50:58,391
You know, it's fine, actually.
I-I do.
1251
00:50:58,433 --> 00:50:59,934
I really think
it's great that it happened,
1252
00:50:59,976 --> 00:51:02,395
because, you know,
my work has always been
1253
00:51:02,437 --> 00:51:04,522
the thing that's gotten in
the way of my happiness, so...
1254
00:51:04,564 --> 00:51:07,901
[laughs]
Yeah.
1255
00:51:07,942 --> 00:51:09,402
Well, it's...
1256
00:51:09,444 --> 00:51:11,196
[crying]
1257
00:51:11,237 --> 00:51:14,741
[high-pitched whining]
Oh...
1258
00:51:14,783 --> 00:51:16,659
No, don't cry.
1259
00:51:16,701 --> 00:51:19,621
It's gonna be okay.
Oh, I know, I know.
1260
00:51:19,662 --> 00:51:20,955
It's just--
I'm sorry.
1261
00:51:20,997 --> 00:51:22,832
It's just these painkillers
1262
00:51:22,874 --> 00:51:25,418
that I started taking
since the surgery.
1263
00:51:25,460 --> 00:51:29,464
Oh, they make my moods
totally unpredictable.
1264
00:51:29,506 --> 00:51:31,299
Wow.
1265
00:51:31,341 --> 00:51:33,510
[sighs]
What am I gonna do?
1266
00:51:33,551 --> 00:51:35,345
I don't know.
1267
00:51:36,846 --> 00:51:41,267
Well, I guess you could come
and stay at my condo.
1268
00:51:41,309 --> 00:51:43,436
I think I could back out
of the sale.
1269
00:51:43,478 --> 00:51:45,105
Probably get
some negative feedback
1270
00:51:45,146 --> 00:51:47,607
on my eBay profile.
Live together...
1271
00:51:47,649 --> 00:51:48,942
Actually, wait a minute.
1272
00:51:48,983 --> 00:51:50,694
This could be great.
This could be perfect.
1273
00:51:50,735 --> 00:51:52,654
You know, my full-time job
could be our relationship.
1274
00:51:52,696 --> 00:51:53,947
I could wear stretch pants
and wait for you
1275
00:51:53,988 --> 00:51:55,615
to come home at 5:15.
[laughs]
1276
00:51:55,657 --> 00:51:58,159
It could work, this could work!
Really.
1277
00:52:01,996 --> 00:52:05,041
[faint indistinct chatter]
1278
00:52:08,336 --> 00:52:11,464
[as The Terminator]
I'll be back.
1279
00:52:11,506 --> 00:52:13,633
And I am back.
1280
00:52:13,675 --> 00:52:14,801
How'd it go?
1281
00:52:14,843 --> 00:52:16,511
No.
No, Pam.
1282
00:52:16,553 --> 00:52:19,014
[as The Terminator]
I'm back.
1283
00:52:19,055 --> 00:52:22,934
For good.
Kevin Nealon.
1284
00:52:22,976 --> 00:52:26,187
Everybody, may I have
your attention please?
1285
00:52:26,229 --> 00:52:30,233
It is with great honor
and privilege
1286
00:52:30,275 --> 00:52:32,652
that I announce to you,
I have officially withdrawn
1287
00:52:32,694 --> 00:52:36,239
my name for consideration
from the corporate job.
1288
00:52:36,281 --> 00:52:37,907
I know, I know, I know.
1289
00:52:37,949 --> 00:52:39,367
"Michael,
what are you thinking?
1290
00:52:39,409 --> 00:52:42,704
You were a shoo-in."
Well, got down there.
1291
00:52:42,746 --> 00:52:44,330
I nailed the interview.
1292
00:52:44,372 --> 00:52:46,875
And the strangest thing happened.
1293
00:52:46,916 --> 00:52:48,793
Why is my office black?
1294
00:52:50,045 --> 00:52:51,921
To intimidate
my subordinates.
1295
00:52:51,963 --> 00:52:53,673
That's stupid.
1296
00:52:53,715 --> 00:52:55,008
It was Andy's idea.
1297
00:52:55,050 --> 00:52:57,093
You shouldn't have taken it.
1298
00:52:57,135 --> 00:52:58,970
Bad management.
1299
00:52:59,012 --> 00:53:01,973
Good thing
[accent] I'm back.
1300
00:53:02,015 --> 00:53:04,225
Ryan, coffee.
1301
00:53:04,267 --> 00:53:05,894
I don't do
that stuff anymore.
1302
00:53:05,935 --> 00:53:08,104
No, it's for me, bimbo.
1303
00:53:08,146 --> 00:53:10,148
Kids.
1304
00:53:10,190 --> 00:53:12,734
Michael, what happened?
1305
00:53:12,776 --> 00:53:14,444
Jan got fired.
1306
00:53:14,486 --> 00:53:16,613
And I realized that
I could not work for a company
1307
00:53:16,654 --> 00:53:18,239
that would fire
my girlfriend.
1308
00:53:18,281 --> 00:53:20,617
But more than that,
1309
00:53:20,658 --> 00:53:24,662
I realized that...
I couldn't take a job
1310
00:53:24,704 --> 00:53:28,083
that would take me away
from this place.
1311
00:53:28,124 --> 00:53:31,544
This is where I belong.
This is my home.
1312
00:53:31,586 --> 00:53:34,047
And home is where the hardest.
1313
00:53:34,089 --> 00:53:37,759
Home is where the heart is.
1314
00:53:37,801 --> 00:53:40,178
"Heart is."
1315
00:53:40,220 --> 00:53:42,097
That makes a lot more sense.
1316
00:53:42,138 --> 00:53:45,892
Do you think they'd help each
other like that at corporate?
1317
00:53:45,934 --> 00:53:48,144
I think not.
1318
00:53:48,186 --> 00:53:50,230
So I'm back.
1319
00:53:50,271 --> 00:53:56,403
And I am never, ever
going to leave.
1320
00:53:56,444 --> 00:53:59,906
I am going nowhere.
1321
00:53:59,948 --> 00:54:03,368
This place is like...
1322
00:54:03,410 --> 00:54:07,497
the hospital
where I was born,
1323
00:54:07,539 --> 00:54:09,749
my house,
1324
00:54:09,791 --> 00:54:13,378
my old age home,
1325
00:54:13,420 --> 00:54:18,091
and my graveyard
for my bones.
1326
00:54:18,133 --> 00:54:20,593
Did Karen get the job?
1327
00:54:22,971 --> 00:54:24,264
Back to work.
1328
00:54:24,305 --> 00:54:26,224
Still waiting
on that coffee.
1329
00:54:27,726 --> 00:54:29,936
They say you should take
two steps forward
1330
00:54:29,978 --> 00:54:32,856
and one step back.
1331
00:54:32,897 --> 00:54:35,608
Well, that's not what I did.
1332
00:54:35,650 --> 00:54:37,736
I took two steps forward,
I took one step back.
1333
00:54:37,777 --> 00:54:40,447
I took a step to the left,
I took a step to the right.
1334
00:54:40,488 --> 00:54:42,949
I took another step back.
I do-si-doed.
1335
00:54:42,991 --> 00:54:44,576
I did a little allemande.
1336
00:54:44,617 --> 00:54:49,122
I waltzed right up, and I was
standing right where I started.
1337
00:54:49,164 --> 00:54:51,750
Surprised?
1338
00:54:51,791 --> 00:54:55,253
I'm not.
Exactly what I planned.
1339
00:54:55,295 --> 00:54:57,839
I only held the job
for one day,
1340
00:54:57,881 --> 00:55:00,467
but I'm proud
of what I accomplished.
1341
00:55:00,508 --> 00:55:02,969
These people will never forget
1342
00:55:03,011 --> 00:55:08,224
that nitrogen is essential
for aboveground leafy growth.
1343
00:55:08,266 --> 00:55:10,685
[emotionally]
I did that.
1344
00:55:23,281 --> 00:55:24,783
Pam, hello.
1345
00:55:24,824 --> 00:55:26,159
Dwight, hello.
1346
00:55:26,201 --> 00:55:28,411
I wanted to thank you.
1347
00:55:29,704 --> 00:55:32,749
For helping me
when you held the title
1348
00:55:32,791 --> 00:55:36,378
of secret assistant
to the regional manager.
1349
00:55:38,296 --> 00:55:42,217
You served the office
with great dignity.
1350
00:55:49,808 --> 00:55:52,811
No, I don't know
what the future holds,
1351
00:55:52,852 --> 00:55:55,814
but I'm optimistic.
1352
00:55:55,855 --> 00:56:00,735
And, uh, I had fun goofing
around with Dwight today.
1353
00:56:00,777 --> 00:56:05,782
Jim and I
are just too similar.
1354
00:56:05,824 --> 00:56:09,369
Maybe one day
I'll find my own Karen.
1355
00:56:09,411 --> 00:56:12,038
But--you--that is a, um...
1356
00:56:12,080 --> 00:56:13,623
You know, not--
1357
00:56:13,665 --> 00:56:15,041
A man.
1358
00:56:15,083 --> 00:56:17,460
A man version.
1359
00:56:17,502 --> 00:56:20,380
But, uh, until then...
1360
00:56:20,422 --> 00:56:23,383
I can hold my head up.
1361
00:56:23,425 --> 00:56:25,510
I'm not gay.
1362
00:56:29,264 --> 00:56:30,807
Michael.
Hmm?
1363
00:56:30,849 --> 00:56:35,020
I didn't think I'd ever say
this, but I'm glad you're back.
1364
00:56:37,230 --> 00:56:40,400
[sighs deeply]
Mm-hmm.
1365
00:56:40,442 --> 00:56:44,446
Thank you,
Stanley the Manly.
1366
00:56:44,487 --> 00:56:47,782
You have no idea
how much that means to me.
1367
00:56:49,200 --> 00:56:52,203
(Michael)
They say that today is the first day
1368
00:56:52,245 --> 00:56:54,706
of the rest of your life.
1369
00:56:54,748 --> 00:56:56,708
But when you think about it,
1370
00:56:56,750 --> 00:57:00,045
every day is a first day
of the rest of your life.
1371
00:57:00,086 --> 00:57:03,298
And that was never more true
than today.
1372
00:57:03,340 --> 00:57:07,594
I turned down a huge promotion.
Why?
1373
00:57:07,635 --> 00:57:11,681
For love.
And for Scranton.
1374
00:57:12,849 --> 00:57:15,769
I love Scranton.
1375
00:57:15,810 --> 00:57:19,064
A wiser man than I,
the great Sir William Joel,
1376
00:57:19,105 --> 00:57:22,025
once wrote something
that I think sums up
1377
00:57:22,067 --> 00:57:25,445
what Scranton is all about.
1378
00:57:25,487 --> 00:57:27,947
"We're all living here
in Allentown,
1379
00:57:27,989 --> 00:57:31,743
for the Pennsylvania
we never found."
1380
00:57:31,785 --> 00:57:34,454
Well, I found my Pennsylvania.
1381
00:57:34,496 --> 00:57:38,750
And you know what?
It's not in New York.
1382
00:57:38,792 --> 00:57:42,087
It's right here
in Scranton.
1383
00:57:42,128 --> 00:57:43,963
[inhales deeply]
1384
00:57:44,005 --> 00:57:48,635
And as for me and Jan,
well, we'll see.
1385
00:57:48,677 --> 00:57:52,972
We'll take it slow,
one day at a time.
1386
00:57:53,014 --> 00:57:56,810
Actually, she's moving
into my condo tomorrow, so...
1387
00:57:56,851 --> 00:57:59,646
[indistinct nagging]
(Michael) That's gonna be a big day.
1388
00:57:59,688 --> 00:58:02,524
But after that,
we'll take it slow.
1389
00:58:02,565 --> 00:58:06,403
Who knows what mysteries
life has in store?
1390
00:58:06,444 --> 00:58:08,488
Mystery writers.
1391
00:58:08,530 --> 00:58:12,117
And even they don't know
the endings.
1392
00:58:12,158 --> 00:58:15,328
I don't know how I feel
about hiring a Sixers fan.
1393
00:58:15,370 --> 00:58:16,871
I should leave.
1394
00:58:16,913 --> 00:58:18,248
[laughter]
1395
00:58:18,289 --> 00:58:19,374
Now, let me ask you
a question, Jim.
1396
00:58:19,416 --> 00:58:20,792
You're clearly
a very bright guy.
1397
00:58:20,834 --> 00:58:21,960
Thanks.
Always hit your numbers.
1398
00:58:22,002 --> 00:58:24,087
Personable, you make
a great impression
1399
00:58:24,129 --> 00:58:25,588
on everyone you meet.
I'm sorry, wait.
1400
00:58:25,630 --> 00:58:27,841
So is the question
how'd I get to be so awesome?
1401
00:58:27,882 --> 00:58:29,426
[laughter]
1402
00:58:29,467 --> 00:58:31,052
I don't have
an answer for you.
1403
00:58:31,094 --> 00:58:33,221
Oh, uh, hey, do you have
your quarterly numbers?
1404
00:58:33,263 --> 00:58:34,514
Yes, absolutely.
1405
00:58:34,556 --> 00:58:35,849
And that, uh,
questionnaire?
1406
00:58:35,890 --> 00:58:37,058
Sorry to make you fill
that thing out.
1407
00:58:37,100 --> 00:58:38,893
Oh, no, absolutely.
Stupid HR formality.
1408
00:58:38,935 --> 00:58:41,813
We have this very irritating
HR guy here.
1409
00:58:41,855 --> 00:58:44,357
He's probably the only person
you're not gonna like.
1410
00:58:44,399 --> 00:58:46,985
Kendall.
Ugh.
1411
00:58:47,027 --> 00:58:49,362
So first up.
1412
00:58:49,404 --> 00:58:50,572
There you go.
1413
00:58:50,613 --> 00:58:51,906
How do you think
you'd function
1414
00:58:51,948 --> 00:58:54,576
here in New York?
1415
00:58:54,617 --> 00:58:56,870
What's that--oh, uh, great.
You know?
1416
00:58:56,911 --> 00:58:59,497
I just, um, I really appreciate
the buildings,
1417
00:58:59,539 --> 00:59:01,750
and, uh, the people.
1418
00:59:01,791 --> 00:59:05,545
And, um, there's just
an energy that New York has.
1419
00:59:05,587 --> 00:59:07,047
Mm-hmm.
Uh...
1420
00:59:07,088 --> 00:59:09,507
Not to mention, they have
places that are open past 8:00.
1421
00:59:09,549 --> 00:59:11,217
[laughter]
So that's a bonus.
1422
00:59:11,259 --> 00:59:12,218
You've been
in the Scranton branch
1423
00:59:12,260 --> 00:59:14,637
a long time.
1424
00:59:14,679 --> 00:59:17,432
What have you liked most
about that place?
1425
00:59:19,642 --> 00:59:21,227
The friendships.
1426
00:59:21,269 --> 00:59:22,729
Okay.
1427
00:59:22,771 --> 00:59:25,315
Well, we want the person
who takes this position
1428
00:59:25,357 --> 00:59:27,609
to be here
for the long haul.
1429
00:59:27,650 --> 00:59:29,986
So... long haul.
1430
00:59:30,028 --> 00:59:31,905
Where do you see yourself
in ten years?
1431
00:59:42,082 --> 00:59:43,416
How are your feet?
1432
00:59:43,458 --> 00:59:45,001
Medium rare.
1433
00:59:45,043 --> 00:59:46,711
Thanks.
1434
00:59:49,089 --> 00:59:51,299
The real reason
that I went to Stamford
1435
00:59:51,341 --> 00:59:56,262
was because
I wanted to be...
1436
00:59:56,304 --> 00:59:59,224
not here.
1437
00:59:59,265 --> 01:00:01,768
I know.
1438
01:00:01,810 --> 01:00:06,189
And even though
I came back...
1439
01:00:06,231 --> 01:00:12,070
I just feel like
I've never really come back.
1440
01:00:19,786 --> 01:00:21,663
Well, I wish you would.
1441
01:00:26,501 --> 01:00:29,379
[phone rings]
1442
01:00:29,421 --> 01:00:31,965
Dunder-Mifflin,
this is Pam.
1443
01:00:32,007 --> 01:00:34,509
Just one moment,
I'll transfer you.
1444
01:00:34,551 --> 01:00:35,927
(Pam)
I haven't heard anything.
1445
01:00:35,969 --> 01:00:38,221
But I bet Jim
got the job.
1446
01:00:38,263 --> 01:00:39,639
I mean, why wouldn't he?
1447
01:00:39,681 --> 01:00:42,392
He's totally qualified
and smart.
1448
01:00:42,434 --> 01:00:44,519
Everyone loves him.
1449
01:00:45,603 --> 01:00:49,357
And if he
never comes back again,
1450
01:00:49,399 --> 01:00:51,568
that's okay.
1451
01:00:51,609 --> 01:00:52,902
We're friends.
1452
01:00:52,944 --> 01:00:55,697
And I'm sure
we'll stay friends.
1453
01:00:55,739 --> 01:00:58,324
We just--we never got
the timing right.
1454
01:00:58,366 --> 01:00:59,826
You know?
1455
01:00:59,868 --> 01:01:04,456
I shot him down, and then
he did the same to me, and...
1456
01:01:04,497 --> 01:01:07,125
But you know what?
It's okay.
1457
01:01:07,167 --> 01:01:09,044
I am totally fine.
1458
01:01:09,085 --> 01:01:10,628
Everything
is gonna be totally--
1459
01:01:10,670 --> 01:01:12,881
Pam.
Sorry.
1460
01:01:12,922 --> 01:01:16,343
Um, are you free
for dinner tonight?
1461
01:01:16,384 --> 01:01:17,677
Yes.
1462
01:01:17,719 --> 01:01:19,054
All right.
1463
01:01:19,095 --> 01:01:22,182
Then it's a date.
1464
01:01:28,855 --> 01:01:30,732
I'm sorry,
what was the question?
1465
01:01:35,070 --> 01:01:36,738
So I know we left the other day
on a note of uncertainty,
1466
01:01:36,780 --> 01:01:38,990
but after some more thought,
1467
01:01:39,032 --> 01:01:41,785
I'm very pleased to be able
to offer you this job.
1468
01:01:41,826 --> 01:01:43,578
[laughs]
Great.
1469
01:01:43,620 --> 01:01:45,455
I'm so glad.
1470
01:01:45,497 --> 01:01:47,290
We're all very excited
you're gonna be joining us.
1471
01:01:47,332 --> 01:01:49,542
It'll be nice to have
another MBA around here.
1472
01:01:49,584 --> 01:01:52,212
I'm excited too.
1473
01:01:52,253 --> 01:01:54,089
Okay.
1474
01:01:54,130 --> 01:01:56,758
Bye.
1475
01:01:56,800 --> 01:01:59,594
Who was that?
Nobody.
1476
01:01:59,636 --> 01:02:01,137
You and I are done.
1477
01:02:01,179 --> 01:02:03,014
What?!
102086
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