All language subtitles for The Office Superfan Episodes S03E18 The Negotiation Extended Cut 1080p PCOK WEB-DL DD+5 1 H 264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

(Karen)
So do you want to see it or not?

(Jim)
I don't know.

Feel like...
Friday night crowds...

Oh, my God.
You're, like, agoraphobic.

Agoraphobic?
Yeah.

Really?
Yeah!

You would rather
sit on your couch

and watch
a Phillies game

than go out to a movie
with your awesome girlfriend.

Absolutely correct.

Later, Jim.

Kev, have a good weekend. Bye.

Okay, so this is
what's gonna happen.

You're gonna
suck it up... Here we go.

and we're gonna go
to dinner... Okay.

And then we're gonna go
to the movies.

Sounds good--
Hey, Halpert!

Hey.

Roy!
Ahh!

Roy, don't!

[screams]
God!

[people coughing]

Pam, please call security.

Every day for eight years,

I have brought
pepper spray into this office

to protect myself
and my fellow employees.

And every day
for eight years,

people have laughed at me.

Well.
Who's laughing now?

[upbeat music]

No need for consternation.

Everything is under control.

(Jan on speakerphone)
Michael, last Friday

one of your employees

attacked another employee
in your office.

It was a crime
of passion, Jan,

not a disgruntled employee.

Everyone here
is extremely gruntled.

[sighs]
Is Toby there?

No.

I'm here, Jan.

Wh-what is
the situation, Toby?

Well, we fired Roy, obviously.

And Jim won't press charges
against Roy or the company.

Thank God. Yeah.

Um, but now apparently
Darryl has some issue with--

No, he was been
wanting a raise

for a couple of months

and he's just using
this Roy thing as leverage.

All right, well, are
you gonna take care of this?

Yeppers.

What did I tell you
about "yeppers?"

I don't remember.

I told you not to say it.
Do you remember that?

Ye--sh.

(Pam)
I really don't want to talk about it.

I don't mean to be rude,

but I just--I don't want
to comment on what happened.

It sucked.

It's probably the only time
I'll ever utter the words,

"But luckily,
Dwight came along."

(Jim)
I guess...

all things considered...

I was lucky
Dwight was there.

And Roy was lucky that Dwight
only used pepper spray,

and not the nunchucks
or the throwing stars.

[typing on keyboard]

Hey, man, I never got
a chance to thank you.

For stopping Roy.

Thank you.

"Thank you" not necessary,
and thus not accepted.

I saw someone breaking
the law, and I interceded.

Okay.

Um... got you something.

Don't want it.

You don't know
what it is.

Don't want it.
Won't open it.

Don't need it.
Won't take it.

Citizens do not accept
prizes for being citizens.

[continues typing]

It was a little
glass display case

for his bobblehead.

That would've made us
even, I think.

He saves my life.

I get him a box
for his desk toy.

Even Steven.

No, don't call me a hero.

Do you know who the real
heroes are?

The guys who wake up
every morning

and go into their normal jobs,

and get a distress call
from the commissioner,

and take off their glasses
and change into capes,

and fly around
fighting crime.

Those are the real heroes.

Angela.
Roy's check.

He's coming in later
to pick it up.

Man, I cannot believe

I missed the fight.

It was crazy.

Man.

You saw it?
Describe it, please.

Well...

I heard some shouting.

And I look over,
and Roy's by reception.

And you could just tell
he's gonna punch somebody.

Jim says something.

Roy stomps all over there.

All of a sudden--bam!

Roy goes down,
and Dwight's standing there

like an action hero.

Oh!

It was insane.

Well... good for Dwight.

Okay, I want you
to be Darryl

and ask me
for a raise,

because I need to try out

some of these
negotiation tactics on you.

Where'd you get that?

Wikipedia.

Wikipedia is
the best thing ever.

Anyone in the world

can write anything they want
about any subject.

So you know
you are getting

the best possible information.

Actually, I also got
some interesting stuff

on Cheryl Tiegs.

Did you know that she has
her own line of wigs

for Revlon?
Did not.

And her last husband's name
was Stryker.

Stryker.

Okay, Darryl,
ask me for a raise.

Hey, Mike, since Roy left

I've been doing
a lot more work,

and I need a raise.

Hmm, well, that's
interesting, Darryl.

I think...

[muttering]
that maybe you should...

[mumbling]

I can't hear you.

What I'm saying is that...

[mumbling]

Still nothing.

Okay, see what I did?
No.

By leaning back
and by whispering,

I established a dominant
physical position.

Nice.

Okay, let's try
another one. Sure.

Walking out of the room unexpectedly.

And what happens
in this one?

That's a surprise. Okay.

Go ahead.
Ask me for a raise.

Can I have a raise?

Sex, Steve Martin,
Teri Hatcher.

What?
What?

No, what did you say.

I didn't say anything.

I was waiting to see
what happened.

No, it sounded interesting
what you were gonna--

(Dwight)
I saw the perpetrator advance towards the victim

at a high rate of speed.

His head was thrown back,
his shoulder and arm cocked,

indicating
an attack position.

Perp grabbed the victim.

I removed my weapon from
its secure hiding place.

Which was where?

Irrelevant.

Discharged it
at a distance

of a little
over a meter

into the perpetrator's

eyes, nose, and face area,

rendering him utterly
and completely disabled.

Then I contacted
the authorities.

The end.

Thanks, Dwight.

That is the bravest thing
I have ever heard.

I can't imagine
what I would've done.

I can.

You would've left me
to fend for myself.

Like the time we were
on the Ferris wheel

and that kid dropped
a milkshake on me

and you just laughed.

Well, that was funny.
That's why.

Oh, it was?
Mm-hmm.

Okay, well, the next time
that you get scared

that you think a murderer
is in your apartment

in the middle
of the night

and you call me
to calm you down...

Can you stop?

you can just call
somebody else

because I'm not gonna do it
anymore, Ryan, I'm not.

There's a bunch of people
back here maybe.

I call you
in the middle of the night

to tell you
that I love you. Guys?

(Toby)
I don't think Michael intended to punish me

by putting Ryan back here
with Kelly.

But if he did
intend that... wow.

Genius.

[knock on door]
Yeah.

You ready for me?

Yes, yeah, absolutely.
Have a seat. Cool.

You know what?

Actually, let's go
into the conference room.

Okay.
No, you know what? Let's stay here.

No, let's go to the con--

Yeah, let's go
to the conference room.

[door opens]

Tactic number six.

Change the location
of the meeting

at the last second.

Totally throws 'em off.

[exhales]

Number 14.
Declining to speak first.

Makes them feel uncomfortable,

puts you in control.

[inhales deeply]

I am declining
to speak first.

Okay, I'll start.

It's pretty
simple, really.

I, um, I think
I deserve a raise.

I'm scheduled to get one
in six months,

but I'd like that
to be moved up to now.

Hmm.

Ohh, Darryl.

You are a good worker
and a good man.

I just--you know,
times are tight.

And I just don't think

corporate's going to go
for this right now.

Are you wearing
lady clothes?

What?

Are you wearing
lady clothes?

Those look like
lady pants.

No, this is a power suit.

That there's
a women's suit.

I do not buy women's clothes.
[Darryl laughs]

Would not make
that mistake again.

I'm gonna call Roy, man. Okay.

This is gonna make him
feel better. All right.

[laughs]
This is too good!

All right, you know what?

Pam, would you please
tell Darryl

that this is not
a women's suit.

Oh, my God.
That's a women's suit.

You're wearing
a women's suit?

No, I do--
I wear men's suits.

Okay, I got this
out of a bin.

There were these huge
bins of clothes,

and everybody was rifling
through them like crazy,

and I grabbed one.

And it fit.

So I don't think

that is totally
just a women's suit.

At the very least
it's bisexual.

Who makes it?

Um, MISSterious.

And it is mysterious,

because the buttons
are on the wrong side.

That's the mystery.

(Phyllis)
It's got shoulder pads.

And did you see
that lining?

Okay, would you
stop it, please?

For the record,

Michael also uses
Secret deodorant.

Because, as he puts it,

if it is strong enough
for a man,

who cares who it's made for.

So none of that
tipped you off.

It's European, okay.
It's a European cut.

Michael, the pants don't
have any pockets.

No, they don't.
See?

[chuckling]

Italians don't wear pockets.

It's been a really rough
couple of days.

This helps a little.

Hey, maybe you want to come
over and raid my closet.

No, I don't want
to do that,

because I'm twice
your size anyway.

Yeah, he look like
Hillary Clinton.

Um, let's just do this
in 15 minutes, okay?

Okay, can you stand
right there for one second?

I gotta send some emails.

Negotiations are all about
controlling things.

About being
in the driver's seat.

And... you make one
tiny mistake, you're dead.

I made one tiny mistake.

I wore women's clothes.

(Michael) Look, I am not
a gazillionaire.

I have to stay within
the parameters of my budget.

I can't shop at
a fancy Norwegian boutique.

I buy my suits
the old fashioned way.

I buy them
from discount stores

or on eBay.

And when I found out
that Ross was having

a midnight madness sale,

I ran, not walked--

as per the instructions
on the flyer--

and I got there,

and when the doors opened,

all of these women
ran to this one bin.

And I did, too.
And I grabbed this suit.

And a woman--

sort of a Missy Elliott
type--

grabbed the jacket.

And we had kind of
a heated tug of war.

And I could tell
by the way she was screaming

that this must be a get.

And I figured she was
just buying it for her husband,

to answer your question
from before.

Um--

Anyway, she socked me
in the eye,

and she got it,
she got the suit.

But I went to the Ross
in Trenton, New Jersey,

and I found
the exact same suit,

and I didn't have to deal
with Missy Elliott.

So Karen, how do you feel

that Roy tried to kick
your boyfriend's ass

over another woman?

I feel great, Kevin.
Thank you.

You must've been
scared out of your mind.

Well, you know,
it happened so fast

I didn't really have
time to be scared.

What happened exactly?

I wasn't here,

so I haven't really
heard the whole story.

Um, well, Jim and I
were talking.

Mm-hmm.

And Roy walked in
looking super angry.

And he's a big dude,
you know?

And all of a sudden,

Jim pushed me
out of the way.

And Roy cocked his fist.

And then--bam!

Dwight sprays him
and knocks him on his butt.

[breathing heavily]
Goodness.

When I heard
Jim and Pam had kissed,

my reaction was to have
lots of long talks with Jim

about our feelings.

Roy just attacked him.

I'm not sure which one
Jim hated more.

Let's get down
to business.

Why don't you tell me

why you think
you deserve a raise.

Well, it's simple, Mike.

I mean, we merged
these two branches, right?

So now we're shipping
twice as many orders

as we used to.

And with Roy gone,
we've got a smaller crew.

And I'm picking up
all of his slack,

so I think I should be
compensated fairly

by getting a raise.

[mumbling]
That's a very good point.

What?
I can't hear you.

[whispering]
That was a very good point.

I can't--what, Mike?
Are you--

[whispering] You make a very
compelling argument.

Sorry I almost
got you killed.

Yeah.

That was nuts.

He could have broken
your nose or something.

Crazy.

It's just so stupid.

I mean, getting back
with Roy and everything.

I mean, what
was I thinking, right?

No, I mean, you guys
really seem

to have a strong connection.

Not anymore.

It's, um...
it's completely over now.

[chuckles]
We'll see.

I'm sure you guys'll...

find your way
back to one another someday.

Jim...

I am really... sorry.

Oh, yeah.
Don't worry about it.

I'm going to give you
a piece of paper.

I want you to write down
how much you want,

then I want you to slide it
back across the desk to me.

Why can't I just tell you?

Because that is the way
these things are done.

In films.

No, slide--slide it, yes.

There you go.

Oh...
[scoffs]

Come on... be serious.

I am serious, Mike.
That's a 10% raise.

That's what I want.

I can't give you that.

I-I don't make this much.

Come on,
be for real, Mike.

I don't.

I'll prove it to you.

There is a pay stub.

[laughs]

Are you serious?
You're earning this?

Plus perks, yes.

Mike, this is barely
more than I make.

You've been here
ten years, dog.

[laughing]

14 years.

Ho ho!

No, please--
please don't--

Oh, sorry, Mike.

Some of my folks got
to hear about this one.

Ah.
[laughing]

Okay, let's take 15 again.

[closes drawer]

A boss's salary
isn't just about money.

It is about perks.

It--for example,

every year,
I get a $100 gas card.

Can't put a price tag
on that.

Okay, if you don't
want a gift,

at least let me
buy you a beer

or lunch or something.

When Han Solo
returns to the Death Star

in the Millennium Falcon

and shoots down the TIE fighters
and saves the rebel cause...

do you think he does so
for a free beer?

When Superman
flew around the world,

reversing the spacetime continuum

and saving Lois Lane's life,

do you think he did so
for a free beer?

Dwight, you're not--
And when Lee Adama

saved the entire fleet

by driving "Pegasus"
into the Cylon base ship,

and saving "Galactica,"

do you think he did so
for a free beer, Jim?

Boy, I--
No, he did not.

And why are you so interested
in buying me something, Jim?

What's your angle?

(Jim)
It's like when he annoys me,

and I wanna screw with him
to get him back,

he never sees it coming.

But now I wanna be
nice to him

and actually
give him something,

and he's like an eel.

I just can't grab onto him.

It's infuriating.

Maybe you just feel guilty
about all the pranks.

Well...

yes, that's probably
what it is.

So what do I do?

Hmm... I don't know.

Maybe you should go back
out there and sell paper,

so we can go on a trip.

[scoffs]

Michael.
Hmm?

Here's the, uh,
$15 I owe you.

Oh, thank you. Yeah.

I heard
you might need it.

So... just take it.

Here's the $40
you gave me.

I didn't give you $40.

In a way, you did.

Yeah, I heard how much
Michael makes.

I still think
he's way overpaid.

14 years.

14.
[giggles]

I know.

[laughing]

Okay, all right.

I gotta go. Later.

Okay...

Okay, here's
the straight dope.

No tricks, no Wikipedia.

What?

I talked to corporate,

and they told me

that I can only
give you a 5% raise.

That's 'cause of you, Mike.

They're not gonna give
the working man

more than the boss.

Well, what am I
supposed to do?

Get your own raise.

You gotta get out there
and earn, son.

I'm not gonna go out
and ask for a raise right now.

That is ridiculous.

Well, when they merged
the two branches together,

they put you in charge.

Okay? And we shipping
more now than we ever have.

That's true.
Yeah, that's true.

You gotta call your girl...
and get paid.

Show her who wears the pants
in the relationship.

You know what?
I should.

Yeah, you should.

I've been a loyal employee
for a long time.

14 years long.

You know what?
I deserve a bump.

Make it happen, Captain.

I'm makin' it happen... Sergeant.

I remember it was
very late at night,

like 11:00, 11:30.

Big fella comes in
screaming about God knows what.

I think maybe Halpert
had stolen his car.

Something like that.

So the big fella pulls out
a sock filled with nickels.

Then Schrute grabs a can
of hairspray and a lighter--

You're useless.

(Jan)
Why don't we talk next month, after the quarter ends?

No, Jan.

I've never asked for a raise
in 14 years.

This is long overdue.

I wanna do it today.

(Jan)
Today? All right.

Well, uh, if you wanna
do it today, uh,

we should do it in person.

And, uh, can you
get here by 5:00?

Sh-yeah.
Um... yeah.

I'll leave right away.

Great.

Uh, and listen,
because of our, uh,

our, you know, situation,

we're gonna need to have
a third party present.

Yes, I'm bringing Darryl.

D-Darryl
from the warehouse?

Mm-hmm.
No, Michael.

We--we need an H.R. rep.

So uh, you should
just bring Toby.

Hey... I'd rather
kill myself.

Michael, he's your branch's
H.R. rep.

No, Toby is terrible.
And we need someone else in the room

Toby is the worst
human being because of our relationship.

I've ever known--
You know this. Michael!

Either Toby comes with you,
or we don't do it.

Fine.

(Kelly)
You are so mean.

(Ryan)
I don't know what you're talking about.

(Kelly)
Yes, you do, Ryan Bailey Howard.

You called me stupid.

Toby, come on, let's go.

Where?
Where?

I'm gonna smack you in the head
with a hammer.

Come on, let's go.

(Kelly)
What is so stupid about

wanting to name a baby Usher?
All right.

Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor.

(Ryan)
Don't you see why that's insane?

(Kelly)
Oh, so I'm crazy now?

Comfortable, Mike?

Yeah. Fine.

What about you, man?
Comfy?

No.

[R&B playing on radio]

[imitating Chris Tucker]
Don't ever touch a black man's radio!

Chris Tucker.
Rush Hour.

You know?

I won't touch yours,
by the way.

Thank you. Well...

I haven't been to New York
in a long time.

(Michael)
Mm, the Big Apple.

Maybe I'll stay overnight.

Got a cousin
lives down there.

How would we get home?

Oh, you could
stay, too.

He's got a big place.

Maybe I'll stay.

Mm, it's not that big.

Buses, though.
Get you home quick.

[mouth full]
Oh, I--

Toby, maybe the Mets
are in town,

we could catch a game
tonight or something.

Oh, maybe.
Seriously?

Toby's not into baseball.

I like baseball.

Or, you could head
down to Times Square,

find yourself a hooker,

forget about your divorce
for a minute.

Michael, I am so sick
of those jokes.

I'm sorry, I should've--
should've yelled.

Psychopath.

And then all of a sudden,
Dwight stood up

and was like, "No!"

Then what'd he do?

Well, you should just
read the report that Toby did.

He took everyone's stories.

[telephone ringing]

(Kelly)
Dunder-Mifflin, customer service.

This is Kelly.

Oh, yeah, I can totally
help you with that.

Okay, let me just
get the folder out.

Okay, it seems here
that you ordered

12,000 reams of paper.

Oh, 12 reams--

Hey, guys.

Jan is ready for you.

[sighs]
Okay.

Okay, bring it home now.

And don't forget the new
black man phrase I taught you.

Pippity poppity,
give me the zoppity.

Yes, sir!
Remember that.

I'll be right outside
if you need me.

All right.

(Darryl)
Yeah, I taught Mike some new phrases.

I want him to get the raise.

I...just can't
help myself.

[door opens]

Hey, man, uh...

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

Can I, like...

see you after work
for coffee or something?

I don't know.

Please.

I just got some stuff
I gotta say to you.

Jim!

Roy.
Look out!

Thanks, Kev.
I'm... good, though.

Thank you, Hunter.

Hello.
Come in.

[Jan sighs]

Okay.

So who's the boy toy?

That's my new assistant.

Were you going to tell me

that you hired
James Van Der Beek?

I have to call you the second
I get a new assistant now?

It'd be nice to get a memo.
We are lovers.

[weakly]
Hi, Jan.

Hi, Toby.

[clears throat]

[clears throat]
First--

First off, Michael,
this a salary negotiation.

All matters regarding
our personal relationship

have to be set aside.

Are we clear?

Bippity boppity.

Right now, we can
offer you a 6% raise.

6%?
Mm-hmm.

After all
we've been through?

Oh, God.
I got you jade earrings.

Michael--
No. No.

Michael--
No.

You're gonna play
it like this?

You give me a good raise,

or no more sex.

What are you writing,
perv-ball?

Just preparing
for the deposition.

This may be the first time
that a male subordinate

has attempted to get
a modest, scheduled raise

by threatening to withhold sex
from a female superior.

It will be
a groundbreaking case...

when it inevitably
goes to trial.

I'm so sorry, Pammy.

I really wasn't
gonna do anything.

But then I...kept thinking
about you two together, and...

I just thought you guys
were really good friends or...

or maybe he was gay
or something.

Not that that's wrong.

I'm sorry, too.

I just--

I think that we both
made some bad choices.

So you gonna start
datin' Halpert, then?

Um... no.

No, he has a girlfriend.

Oh, yeah.

Wait a minute, you broke off
our wedding for the guy.

No.

There were
a lot of reasons.

Yeah, but you're not even
gonna try to go out with him?

I don't get you, Pam.

I know.

What's this?

What's what?

"Certificate of Bravery

"from the Scranton
Police Department.

"Recognizing
outstanding citizenship

from a very brave young man,
Dwight K. Schrute"?

Wow, I guess word
got around.

That's a nice honor.

Please, they hand these
out to little kids.

Look, there's a teddy bear
in a policeman's cap.

Mm... didn't think
you'd notice.

[wads paper up]

Why don't you just
take that pen

and stab me
in the heart?

This is me, Jan.

This is me!

Okay, Michael... please.

You know, why don't
we just take a break?

Oh-kay.
This is really going nowhere.

No, no, no.

No, you do not try
tactic number eight on me.

I invented
tactic number eight.

I'm not going anywhere.

Okay, Toby,
how about if you--

Sure.
Great.

What's wrong with you?

Ohh.

It was a weird day.

I accidentally
cross-dressed.

And then Darryl
made me feel bad

for not making any money.

And then I had to ride up here
with stupid Toby.

And then your assistant...

is all young and hot.

And I...

Okay, Michael...

I can offer you
a 12% raise.

But...

you have got
to ask for 15.

That's ridiculous.
I'm never gonna make--

No, just...

[quietly]
I just need you to ask for it...

so I can record
that you asked for it.

'Kay?

Ah, so...

All right, Levinson.

Here's the rub.

I would like a 15% raise.

No! But we can
offer you 12.

But you just said 15.

[pen hits table]

(Michael)
Negotiation is an art.

Back and forth,
give and take.

And today, both Darryl and I
took something.

Higher salaries.
Win, win, win.

But, you know,
life is about more

than just salary.

It's about... perks.

Like having sex with Jan.

Michael!

So you and Bob are looking
at a historical house?

Mm-hmm, near the river.

Hmm.
How many bedrooms?

Four.

Dwight.

Dwight.

I've been doing some
very interesting reading.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

Tales of bravery.

Hmm. Good stuff?

Mm-hmm.

I was thinking tonight,
we could...

read it together.

That sounds...

fun.

[scoffs]

I...

will never say a word.

And now... we are even.

(Andy) I graduated
from anger management

the same way I graduated
from Cornell:

on time.

Now I'm back,
got a second chance,

and I'm not gonna blow it.

So look out,
Dunder-Mifflin!

[laughs]

I mean "look out"
in a fun way.

You know, not like,
"I'm gonna hurt you."

Hey, guys!

Guess who's back?

Aah! Aah!

[screaming]

Ohh, God!

No need to thank me.

I am not a hero.

I am a mere defender
of the office.

You know who's a real hero?

Hiro, from Heroes.

That's a hero.

Also Bono.