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1
00:00:09,634 --> 00:00:11,386
Oh!
2
00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:13,471
She's absolutely adorable!
3
00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:15,724
He.
4
00:00:15,765 --> 00:00:18,601
Oh, sorry.
He's dressed all in pink.
5
00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:19,936
That's his favorite color.
6
00:00:19,978 --> 00:00:22,647
Oh, that's fun for him.
7
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:24,315
Fantastic.
8
00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:27,485
Oh, wow, look at that.
How cute.
9
00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:28,653
Thank you.
10
00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:30,030
Oh, may I?
11
00:00:30,071 --> 00:00:31,781
Sure.
12
00:00:33,491 --> 00:00:37,328
(Michael)
Hey, look at me! I'm a baby!
13
00:00:37,370 --> 00:00:39,581
I'm one of those babies
from Look Who's Talking.
14
00:00:39,622 --> 00:00:41,332
What am I thinking?
15
00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:43,418
[laughs]
Look at all those staplers.
16
00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:44,836
What's a stapler?
I don't even know.
17
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,713
I'm a baby.
Hey, Mom!
18
00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:48,673
I'm thirsty.
19
00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:50,050
I'm thirsty, Mama.
20
00:00:50,091 --> 00:00:51,843
I want some milk.
21
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:54,679
And you know where
milk comes from.
22
00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:56,181
Breasts!
23
00:00:56,222 --> 00:00:57,515
[guffaws]
24
00:00:57,557 --> 00:01:01,811
[cheerful music]
25
00:01:01,853 --> 00:01:08,985
♪ ♪
26
00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:32,759
{\an8}[baby crying]
27
00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:40,684
{\an8}Did someone bring in
a human baby?
28
00:01:40,725 --> 00:01:41,726
{\an8}Yes.
29
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:44,938
{\an8}[baby crying]
30
00:01:48,274 --> 00:01:50,402
{\an8}It's not easy
being a mother.
31
00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:51,945
{\an8}You need many skills.
32
00:01:51,986 --> 00:01:53,988
{\an8}Can you make a stew
that feeds 12?
33
00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:56,282
{\an8}Can you run
a small schoolhouse?
34
00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:05,500
{\an8}Cute baby.
35
00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:06,835
{\an8}He's okay.
36
00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:09,254
{\an8}Actually, I was talking
about myself.
37
00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:11,131
{\an8}I was a cute baby.
38
00:02:11,172 --> 00:02:13,717
{\an8}Did some modeling, acting.
39
00:02:13,758 --> 00:02:15,010
{\an8}Yeah. No big whoop.
40
00:02:15,051 --> 00:02:16,594
{\an8}Didn't want to make a career
out of it or anything.
41
00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:17,637
{\an8}'Cause you couldn't.
42
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:21,057
{\an8}Actually, I could,
and I did, so...
43
00:02:21,099 --> 00:02:24,394
{\an8}Do you want me to apologize
for being an exceptional baby?
44
00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:25,353
{\an8}Not gonna happen.
45
00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,022
{\an8}Really?
46
00:02:27,063 --> 00:02:28,106
{\an8}How 'bout this?
47
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:30,942
{\an8}I was born 13 pounds, 5 ounces.
48
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:32,819
{\an8}My mother couldn't walk
for three months.
49
00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:35,989
{\an8}Nice brag, mutant.
50
00:02:36,031 --> 00:02:38,241
{\an8}I'll take that as a compliment.
X-Men.
51
00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:39,451
{\an8}X-Nerd.
52
00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:40,994
{\an8}Current nerd.
53
00:02:42,912 --> 00:02:46,041
{\an8}[baby fussing]
54
00:02:49,794 --> 00:02:51,338
{\an8}[sighs]
55
00:02:51,379 --> 00:02:52,672
{\an8}Do you have something you want
to say to me about the baby?
56
00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:54,507
{\an8}No.
Okay.
57
00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:58,762
{\an8}Oh, my God, Ryan,
babies are so cute,
58
00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:01,473
{\an8}and I want one
right this instant.
59
00:03:01,514 --> 00:03:03,725
{\an8}Yeah, babies are cute.
You know what's not cute?
60
00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:05,935
{\an8}The fact that Kelly forgets
to take her birth control pills
61
00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:07,479
{\an8}on purpose.
62
00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:10,482
{\an8}Hey.
Hey.
63
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:15,528
You almost done?
64
00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:18,656
Just about, yeah.
65
00:03:18,698 --> 00:03:20,325
Now.
66
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,869
(Jim)
Yes, I've started to see Karen.
67
00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:26,164
It's very new,
and I'm not really ready
68
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,957
to talk about it
openly yet just because
69
00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:30,168
I think once the word
gets out there,
70
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,420
it might affect the way
people behave around us.
71
00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:35,674
Or... I don't know.
72
00:03:35,715 --> 00:03:38,343
Just not yet.
73
00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:40,637
Yeah, I do a lot of doodling.
74
00:03:40,679 --> 00:03:43,181
I have a lot of free time.
75
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:46,851
I've mastered
the ten-sided cube
76
00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:50,021
and the intricate maze,
77
00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:53,024
and I can draw the sea serpent
78
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:55,110
that keeps popping its head
out of the water.
79
00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:58,196
Uh.
80
00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:02,200
Yeah, Jan, it, um,
looks like a check.
81
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:03,993
A piece of paper
of some sort.
82
00:04:04,035 --> 00:04:05,286
A receipt.
83
00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:06,996
Jan, this is Angela Martin
from accounting.
84
00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:07,997
(Jan)
Mm-hmm.
85
00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:09,207
Look, we have a rebate
86
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,710
from the Federal Work
Opportunity Program.
87
00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:13,169
And no one knows
what that means.
88
00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:16,214
We get that money
for hiring an ex-convict.
89
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,842
I didn't hire
an ex-convict.
90
00:04:18,883 --> 00:04:20,969
Unless they mean Toby.
91
00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:22,554
Convicted rapist.
92
00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:23,972
[Jan huffs]
93
00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:25,181
I'm just kidding.
94
00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:26,850
When did the check come?
95
00:04:26,891 --> 00:04:28,268
Last week.
96
00:04:28,309 --> 00:04:29,853
Okay, that's when
the branches merged,
97
00:04:29,894 --> 00:04:32,022
so Josh must've been taking
advantage of this program.
98
00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:33,481
Smart move.
99
00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:35,233
One of the Stamford people
is a criminal?
100
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,027
Hey, Jan,
speaking of Stamford,
101
00:04:37,068 --> 00:04:39,237
Hannah brought in
her baby.
102
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,698
Jan, which one of the new
employees is a criminal?
103
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:45,243
A reformed convict.
And I'm not sure.
104
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,745
Though hang on.
Let me email our H.R.
105
00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:48,204
Stay on the line.
106
00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:49,497
[whispering]
Who is it?
107
00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:51,332
Hannah?
108
00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:53,043
(Kevin)
Hmm.
109
00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:55,337
Andy?
110
00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:57,839
(Angela)
Andy.
111
00:04:57,881 --> 00:05:00,633
Martin?
112
00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:02,177
Oh, you are such a racist.
113
00:05:02,218 --> 00:05:04,012
Wait, why am I a racist?
114
00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:05,055
Because you think
he's Black.
115
00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:08,391
He is Black, right?
116
00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,894
Stop it.
Stop it right now!
117
00:05:10,935 --> 00:05:12,896
(Jan)
Okay, it's someone named Martin Nash.
118
00:05:12,937 --> 00:05:13,938
Yeah!
119
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,273
Michael?
120
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:18,693
Why did the convict
have to be a Black guy?
121
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:21,613
It is such a stereotype.
122
00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:25,116
I just wish that Josh had made
a more progressive choice,
123
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:28,161
like a white guy...
124
00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:30,246
who went to prison
125
00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:34,834
for polluting
a Black guy's lake.
126
00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:37,128
(Jan)
Now, everyone, your compassion and professionalism
127
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:39,506
of course
would be appreciated.
128
00:05:39,547 --> 00:05:40,965
Michael?
129
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:44,636
Yes, yes.
I totally agree.
130
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:45,929
What did Martin do?
131
00:05:45,970 --> 00:05:47,097
(Jan)
I don't know.
132
00:05:47,138 --> 00:05:49,057
But if it was something serious,
133
00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:50,975
they probably wouldn't have
let him in the program.
134
00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,352
That's easy for you to say.
135
00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:54,062
You're safely in New York.
136
00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:55,605
Well, that's just super.
137
00:05:55,647 --> 00:05:57,357
I already didn't like
all of the new people.
138
00:05:57,399 --> 00:06:00,151
Now I find out one or more
is a criminal,
139
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,112
and I sit in this little trap
in the corner.
140
00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:04,197
It's impossible to flee from.
141
00:06:06,574 --> 00:06:08,034
I'm a dead woman.
142
00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:09,828
It's really not
that big a deal.
143
00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:12,330
I mean, Martin's great.
144
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,749
I've been working with Dwight
for four years.
145
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,292
I wonder what he did.
146
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:19,004
In our society,
147
00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:21,673
a Black man
can be arrested
148
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:24,467
for almost anything.
149
00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:27,512
He was probably
at a sporting event
150
00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:30,849
and saw some people
pushing each other.
151
00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:32,350
And he intervened.
152
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,853
Why would anyone
go to jail for that?
153
00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:37,605
So...
154
00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:39,482
what we need to do
155
00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:41,067
is to forget
156
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:43,278
about this whole
"Martin in prison" thing.
157
00:06:43,319 --> 00:06:45,196
People will draw
158
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,032
unfair conclusions
about Martin
159
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,158
and/or Black people.
160
00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:51,870
Cool.
Okay.
161
00:06:51,911 --> 00:06:52,829
Angela?
162
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,332
Sure.
163
00:06:56,374 --> 00:06:58,376
Let's protect the convicts
164
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,337
at the expense
of the general feeling
165
00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:01,629
of safety in the workplace.
166
00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:04,674
As a 90-pound female
that sits in an ill-lit,
167
00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:07,218
rarely-visited corner
of the office,
168
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,970
naturally
I agree with that.
169
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,889
Good.
170
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,515
All right.
171
00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:15,685
So have you met the new guy?
172
00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:18,021
Yeah.
Doesn't talk too much.
173
00:07:18,063 --> 00:07:19,939
Seems a little
standoffish, but...
174
00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:21,649
He's very professional.
175
00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:23,902
He's a great salesman,
except he poops his pants.
176
00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:25,320
Yeah.
177
00:07:25,362 --> 00:07:27,822
Well, Dwight was the same way
when I started.
178
00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:29,449
You'll get used to it.
179
00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:38,792
It's only been a week,
and everyone seems
180
00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:41,086
really, really into Karen.
181
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:43,755
After one week.
182
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,423
Which is great.
183
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:48,385
I think it's going well
with Jim.
184
00:07:48,426 --> 00:07:50,387
Why?
What did he say about it?
185
00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:54,182
[ring]
186
00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:55,308
Jim Halpert.
187
00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:57,894
I am so horny.
188
00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:04,275
Okay, I can't help you
with that.
189
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:08,238
Oh, I think you can,
Big Tuna.
190
00:08:08,279 --> 00:08:10,865
Tell me about that
Indian chick Kelly.
191
00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:12,367
She seems pretty slutty.
192
00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:14,285
Good for a romp
in the sack.
193
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:17,080
She is dating Ryan,
I think.
194
00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:19,249
Oh, and I care why?
195
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:21,042
She's high maintenance.
196
00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:23,336
Next.
How about...
197
00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:28,174
[silently]
198
00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:31,636
Blondes are more fun.
199
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:32,971
Come on,
trust me on that.
200
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,055
Yeah, trust me.
201
00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:36,433
That would be fun
for no one.
202
00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:38,143
Okay, fine. Okay.
203
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,603
Pam, the receptionist.
204
00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:44,524
Pam.
Should I go for it?
205
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,158
Absolutely you should.
206
00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:54,409
Jackpot.
207
00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:58,496
It is just
a delicate situation.
208
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:01,541
You know what I mean?
I just don't, um...
209
00:09:01,583 --> 00:09:03,960
I just don't want it to turn
into something embarrassing.
210
00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:05,253
Okay?
211
00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:07,005
I don't know what you mean. Okay.
212
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:10,675
Sometimes you push me
213
00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:15,513
into scenarios
that I don't want to be in.
214
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,515
Anything I've done,
I've done for you.
215
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:20,435
Okay, it's just that sometimes,
216
00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:27,067
you behave less well
217
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:29,736
than anyone has ever behaved.
218
00:09:29,778 --> 00:09:33,490
That strikes me as the pot
calling the kettle black.
219
00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:35,033
Michael, what is going on?
220
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,368
Are you in danger?
221
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:39,829
Blink twice
if you're in danger.
222
00:09:39,871 --> 00:09:41,915
Okay. I'm not.
223
00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:42,999
That's just the thing.
224
00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:45,001
I am not in danger.
Nobody is in danger.
225
00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:46,336
Okay.
Okay?
226
00:09:46,378 --> 00:09:47,962
Just understand that,
227
00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:49,964
and just try to be cool.
228
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:51,049
I am cool.
229
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,050
Are you cool really?
230
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,176
I'm so cool.
231
00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:54,719
Tell me what is
going on.
232
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:55,595
[exhales deeply]
233
00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:56,971
Well, here's the thing.
234
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:59,140
When I was growing up,
among my cousins,
235
00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:00,892
I was always the cool one.
236
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:04,396
Johann was the handsome one,
Mose was the artsy one,
237
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:08,566
Helga was the outlaw,
and I was Joe Cool.
238
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,610
So you don't need to tell me
to be cool.
239
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:14,239
Oh, and Heindel was the runt.
240
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:17,117
Martin from Stamford
241
00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:20,537
was at one time in prison.
242
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,209
No, Dwight.
Be cool, be cool.
243
00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:28,003
I am greatly concerned
244
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,547
about having a convict
in the office.
245
00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:33,049
And I do not care
if that convict is white,
246
00:10:33,091 --> 00:10:35,301
Black, Asian, German,
247
00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:37,595
or some kind of halfsie.
248
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,098
I do not like criminals.
249
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:43,309
[sighs]
250
00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:48,606
Question.
No.
251
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,234
No, no.
No questions.
252
00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:52,402
Fact.
253
00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:53,778
[groans]
All right, fine.
254
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:55,780
Okay, what?
255
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:58,033
How do we know
he won't kill again?
256
00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:10,003
[whistles]
257
00:11:10,045 --> 00:11:12,714
Oh, God.
258
00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:16,968
All righty.
Let's get started.
259
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,470
What is she into?
260
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,305
I know Pam pretty well.
261
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:21,931
I know the things
that she likes.
262
00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:23,641
And just as important,
263
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,477
I know the things
that she hates.
264
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:28,646
So one of the things
that she likes is pranks.
265
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,775
And the things
that she hates...
266
00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:33,401
Frisbee-based
competitions.
267
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:34,861
Are you kidding?
268
00:11:34,903 --> 00:11:37,405
I started the main
Frisbee golf club
269
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:39,991
at Cornell
where I went to college.
270
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,451
I live to frolf.
271
00:11:41,493 --> 00:11:42,952
Lead off with that.
272
00:11:42,994 --> 00:11:44,329
Okay.
273
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,039
She loves hunting.
274
00:11:46,081 --> 00:11:49,042
She also loves those ads
for Six Flags
275
00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:50,293
with the old guy.
276
00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:51,878
[humming Six Flags
commercial jingle]
277
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,546
Got it.
278
00:11:53,588 --> 00:11:56,675
Also... do you speak
pig Latin?
279
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,927
Hey, Martin.
How's it going?
280
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:01,680
Good.
Getting settled, you know.
281
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:04,391
Ah, good, good. Good.
282
00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:05,850
Just a second.
283
00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:09,646
Hey, everybody, may I have
your attention please?
284
00:12:09,688 --> 00:12:12,482
I realize that a lot of you
have already heard
285
00:12:12,524 --> 00:12:14,401
that Martin here
286
00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:16,444
has had some trouble
with the law.
287
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:18,697
But I just want
to declare publicly
288
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:22,200
that I trust him completely.
289
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,828
And that anybody
who doesn't
290
00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:29,249
is an ignorant,
dumb person, okay?
291
00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:30,417
As a matter of fact,
292
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:32,377
you show me a white man
you trust,
293
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,671
and I will show you
a Black man
294
00:12:34,713 --> 00:12:37,590
that I trust even more.
295
00:12:37,632 --> 00:12:39,467
Pam, tell me
a white person you trust.
296
00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:40,927
My dad.
297
00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:43,513
Danny Glover.
298
00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:46,141
Yeah?
Jonas Salk.
299
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:47,934
Who?
Justin Timberlake.
300
00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:50,270
Oh, please.
Colin Powell.
301
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:51,271
(Karen)
Hey, I got one.
302
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:52,647
Yeah?
Jesus.
303
00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:54,899
Apollo Creed.
304
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:58,403
Close your eyes.
305
00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:01,156
Picture a convict.
306
00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:03,116
What's he wearing?
307
00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:04,200
Nothing special.
308
00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:07,454
Baseball cap on backward,
baggy pants.
309
00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,289
He says something
ordinary like,
310
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,541
"Yo, that's shizzle."
311
00:13:11,583 --> 00:13:14,753
Okay, now slowly
open your eyes again.
312
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:17,172
Who were you picturing?
313
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:18,840
A Black man?
314
00:13:18,882 --> 00:13:20,342
Wrong.
315
00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:24,054
That was a white woman.
316
00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:26,473
Surprised?
317
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:28,141
Well, shame on you.
318
00:13:32,771 --> 00:13:34,647
(Kevin)
Martin, Martin, Martin, Martin.
319
00:13:34,689 --> 00:13:36,816
That is my favorite show, man.
320
00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:39,152
That is so great.
Sheneneh and the--
321
00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:46,409
Oh, man, my muscles
are so sore...
322
00:13:46,451 --> 00:13:47,660
from karate.
323
00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:52,165
(Martin)
Usually when people find out about the prison thing,
324
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:55,001
they get pretty weird.
325
00:13:55,043 --> 00:13:57,712
So, you all want to know
what I was in for?
326
00:13:57,754 --> 00:14:00,423
No, that's not cool.
327
00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:01,675
You don't
have to tell them.
328
00:14:01,716 --> 00:14:05,970
I really don't mind.
It was a stupid mistake.
329
00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:07,972
I was working in finance,
330
00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:10,558
and I got involved
in some insider trading.
331
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,019
So I spent a little time
332
00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:14,479
in the clink.
333
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:17,023
[laughs]
Oh!
334
00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:19,734
That is awesome.
335
00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:24,197
I had Martin explain to me
three times
336
00:14:24,239 --> 00:14:28,410
what he got arrested for, because...
337
00:14:28,451 --> 00:14:30,620
it sounds an awful lot
338
00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:35,542
like I what I do here
every day.
339
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,711
Oh, yeah, I was in prison.
340
00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:39,754
It's where I got the name Creed.
341
00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:42,465
I was arrested once
for loitering
342
00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:45,802
outside a Dunkin' Donuts.
343
00:14:45,844 --> 00:14:48,680
I am not the luckiest guy
in the world.
344
00:14:48,722 --> 00:14:51,057
Have you ever heard of pruno?
345
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:55,061
It's a wine made from fruit
and sugar and ketchup.
346
00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:57,939
We used to make it
in the toilets in prison.
347
00:14:57,981 --> 00:14:59,858
Man, I miss that stuff.
348
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,401
What was prison like?
349
00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:02,694
Not terrible.
350
00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:03,903
Boring.
351
00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:06,906
We do the same thing
every day.
352
00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:08,575
But at least
we'd get outdoors time.
353
00:15:08,616 --> 00:15:09,868
You got outdoors time?
354
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,745
Two hours every day.
355
00:15:11,786 --> 00:15:13,955
Sometimes we'd play
pickup football games.
356
00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:16,624
Michael, why don't we get
outdoors time?
357
00:15:16,666 --> 00:15:18,585
Yeah, some days
I never go outside.
358
00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:20,253
Well, we are
running a business.
359
00:15:20,295 --> 00:15:21,379
What was your cell like?
360
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:22,672
Not good.
361
00:15:22,714 --> 00:15:26,593
It was a little bit bigger
than Michael's office.
362
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:28,970
But you know,
I really only slept there.
363
00:15:29,012 --> 00:15:32,349
You know, during the day
our time was our own.
364
00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:34,517
They had classes.
365
00:15:34,559 --> 00:15:36,436
I took some
watercolor classes.
366
00:15:36,478 --> 00:15:38,021
They have art classes?
367
00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:39,022
Yeah.
368
00:15:39,064 --> 00:15:40,940
They have business
classes there?
369
00:15:40,982 --> 00:15:43,735
They did, taught by some
Harvard Business School guys.
370
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:46,154
A lot of the guys also
that were in the class--
371
00:15:46,196 --> 00:15:47,655
the inmates--
372
00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:48,948
a lot of them
have gone on to do
373
00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:50,450
extraordinary things
in business. Terrible things.
374
00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:53,328
Kind of sounds like prison's
better than Dunder-Mifflin.
375
00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:55,455
Okay, well, that's not true.
376
00:15:55,497 --> 00:15:57,248
I would so
rather be in prison.
377
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:58,583
(Ryan)
Prison sounds great.
378
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,335
No, you would not.
379
00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:01,961
This place is not prison.
380
00:16:02,003 --> 00:16:05,590
It's way better
than prison.
381
00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:07,967
That went better
than I thought.
382
00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:11,137
Would've gone better if
you had never been to prison.
383
00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:15,850
I would be this upset
if I found out
384
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:18,353
anyone in this office
had committed a crime.
385
00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:20,397
But come on. Martin?
386
00:16:20,438 --> 00:16:22,691
There are two Black men
in this office,
387
00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:24,401
and one has done time.
388
00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:25,944
What the hell was he thinking?
389
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:28,196
Hey, you like working here, right?
390
00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:30,156
Please.
Is the Pope German?
391
00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:32,992
I wanna run a background check
on the convict.
392
00:16:33,034 --> 00:16:34,703
Okay, you have to relax,
393
00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:36,329
because he was in jail
for insider trading.
394
00:16:36,371 --> 00:16:38,373
Yes, that is what
the convict said.
395
00:16:38,415 --> 00:16:40,792
The convict said
that he, the convict--
396
00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:42,460
read, liar--
397
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:45,171
was in jail for the harmless
crime of insider trading,
398
00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:47,507
which is exactly
what a convict would say.
399
00:16:47,549 --> 00:16:49,009
Stop it.
400
00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:52,095
What if he hurts someone?
He's not--
401
00:16:52,137 --> 00:16:53,221
Do you want that
on your conscience?
402
00:16:53,263 --> 00:16:54,222
Oh...
403
00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:56,516
Just let me look
in his H.R. file.
404
00:16:56,558 --> 00:16:57,684
We can't do that.
405
00:16:57,726 --> 00:16:59,144
That is unconstitutional.
406
00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:00,520
Constitutions
are made to be broken.
407
00:17:00,562 --> 00:17:01,688
I--just stop it!
408
00:17:01,730 --> 00:17:04,691
I--I'm go--going
to punch you in the tooth.
409
00:17:04,733 --> 00:17:06,234
You have to stop.
410
00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:08,153
I think I would do well
in prison.
411
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:10,113
Prison is all about
establishing dominance,
412
00:17:10,155 --> 00:17:12,365
which is one of my fortes.
413
00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:15,410
On the first day, I would go up
to the meanest guy there,
414
00:17:15,452 --> 00:17:19,039
and I would point right at him
and say,
415
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,874
"Not today, friend."
416
00:17:20,915 --> 00:17:23,543
And then I'd give him
one of these.
417
00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:24,753
Goooah!
418
00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:29,215
Two for flinching.
[chuckles]
419
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:35,305
Okay, there are two
Otisville prisons,
420
00:17:35,347 --> 00:17:38,808
one medium security,
one minimum security.
421
00:17:38,850 --> 00:17:40,226
What is the worst crime
you can commit
422
00:17:40,268 --> 00:17:42,896
that will land you in a medium
security prison?
423
00:17:42,937 --> 00:17:45,065
[keys clacking]
424
00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:49,569
Manslaughter.
425
00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:51,363
Manslaughter.
426
00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:55,450
The slaughtering of a man.
427
00:17:58,286 --> 00:17:59,329
Hot.
428
00:17:59,371 --> 00:18:01,247
Baby!
429
00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:02,248
Hello, baby!
430
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:03,667
Here, you want to play
with this?
431
00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:04,876
You can't give
paperclips to a baby.
432
00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:06,211
He could swallow.
433
00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:07,921
Oh, it's okay.
I've got tons of 'em.
434
00:18:07,962 --> 00:18:10,924
You like that?
Goo goo goo goo?
435
00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:13,885
Pam-a-lama-ding-dong.
436
00:18:15,387 --> 00:18:16,930
Listen, you're cute.
437
00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:19,432
There's no getting
around it.
438
00:18:19,474 --> 00:18:22,102
So I don't know
if you like country music,
439
00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:23,645
but I was thinking
maybe one of these days
440
00:18:23,687 --> 00:18:24,979
we could drive out to a field,
441
00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:26,856
crank up some tunes.
442
00:18:26,898 --> 00:18:28,775
Smoke a few Macanudos.
443
00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:31,945
Maybe even toss
a disc around.
444
00:18:31,986 --> 00:18:34,823
Utway ooday ooyay
inkthay, Ampay?
445
00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:38,034
Wow. I--
446
00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:39,869
Shh!
447
00:18:39,911 --> 00:18:41,663
Think about it.
448
00:18:41,705 --> 00:18:43,289
I'll hit you back.
449
00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:56,553
Wow.
450
00:18:56,594 --> 00:19:00,181
That was...
451
00:19:00,223 --> 00:19:02,684
Wow.
452
00:19:02,726 --> 00:19:06,229
Okay, listen up, everybody.
453
00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:10,984
Um, you guys said that prison
was better than this place.
454
00:19:11,026 --> 00:19:13,069
And I heard you
loud and clear.
455
00:19:13,111 --> 00:19:15,697
So I am instituting
some changes
456
00:19:15,739 --> 00:19:17,866
to make this
more like prison.
457
00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,325
We are going to start
458
00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:21,578
with an hour
of outdoor time.
459
00:19:21,619 --> 00:19:22,829
So let's go!
460
00:19:22,871 --> 00:19:25,540
[all shivering]
461
00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:32,714
Michael,
it's freezing out.
462
00:19:32,756 --> 00:19:34,257
I can't feel my toes.
463
00:19:34,299 --> 00:19:38,511
Why don't we
pump some iron?
464
00:19:38,553 --> 00:19:40,263
Anybody want to pump up?
465
00:19:40,305 --> 00:19:42,515
What is that,
like, five pounds?
466
00:19:42,557 --> 00:19:43,767
It's two and half.
467
00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:46,311
I'm not going for bulk.
I'm going for tone.
468
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:47,395
I'm going back inside.
It's freezing.
469
00:19:47,437 --> 00:19:49,522
Yeah, it is freaking
cold out here.
470
00:19:49,564 --> 00:19:50,815
Anybody wants to stay out,
471
00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:52,692
Ayou got about 27 minutes
of rec time.
472
00:19:52,734 --> 00:19:55,945
Guys, I gotta pick up my car
at the tire shop in Linden.
473
00:19:55,987 --> 00:19:57,155
Could somebody
take me over there?
474
00:19:57,197 --> 00:19:58,990
Yeah, I've got some errands
to run near there.
475
00:19:59,032 --> 00:19:59,991
I can take you.
Yeah?
476
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:01,117
Yeah.
No problem.
477
00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:03,536
Great. That'd be great. Thanks.
478
00:20:03,578 --> 00:20:05,955
[claps, clears throat]
479
00:20:05,997 --> 00:20:08,458
Chapter one:
"Hey, Michael.
480
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:11,336
"There is a convicted
probably-murderer
481
00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:12,962
"over by the copier machine.
482
00:20:13,004 --> 00:20:15,382
"Do you want me to do something
about it and take it seriously
483
00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:17,550
and go to my car
and get my spud gun?"
484
00:20:17,592 --> 00:20:19,386
"No, Dwight, that's okay.
485
00:20:19,427 --> 00:20:21,304
"Just stay at your desk
and do nothing
486
00:20:21,346 --> 00:20:23,223
and pretend like
everything's okay."
487
00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:26,393
Everybody died. The end.
[claps]
488
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:27,769
Hey, Martin!
489
00:20:27,811 --> 00:20:29,396
Hey.
Hello.
490
00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,523
Giving Meredith a ride?
Yeah.
491
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,566
Great.
492
00:20:33,608 --> 00:20:35,527
I really like your car.
493
00:20:37,112 --> 00:20:39,447
It's a nice car.
494
00:20:39,489 --> 00:20:41,366
Look at that
license plate number.
495
00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:44,244
It's 456LAV.
496
00:20:44,285 --> 00:20:47,080
Wow.
That's a great license plate.
497
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:49,666
Thanks.
498
00:20:49,708 --> 00:20:52,168
456LAV.
456LAV.
499
00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:53,420
You know, I don't think
500
00:20:53,461 --> 00:20:55,088
I'm gonna be able to get
that one out of my head.
501
00:20:55,130 --> 00:20:56,923
But just in case I do,
I'm just gonna
502
00:20:56,965 --> 00:20:59,634
make a little note of it here.
503
00:21:02,012 --> 00:21:03,596
There.
504
00:21:03,638 --> 00:21:04,973
It's in there.
505
00:21:05,015 --> 00:21:07,267
A record of it has been made.
506
00:21:07,308 --> 00:21:08,935
Okay.
507
00:21:08,977 --> 00:21:10,395
Good-bye.
508
00:21:10,437 --> 00:21:11,896
456LAV.
509
00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:14,190
Buick, silver.
510
00:21:17,110 --> 00:21:18,236
[tires screech]
511
00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:37,964
He caught me.
512
00:21:38,006 --> 00:21:40,508
Yeah. I saw.
513
00:21:44,304 --> 00:21:46,765
Good-bye, Meredith.
514
00:21:51,644 --> 00:21:53,980
Tuna.
Hey.
515
00:21:54,022 --> 00:21:55,565
How'd it go with Pam?
516
00:21:55,607 --> 00:21:58,068
Ah, didn't get
a great vibe from her.
517
00:21:58,109 --> 00:21:59,569
What are you gonna do, right?
518
00:21:59,611 --> 00:22:02,030
Yeah, listen, um, do you have
anything fun going on tonight?
519
00:22:04,074 --> 00:22:06,409
Um... no.
520
00:22:06,451 --> 00:22:08,328
I think I'm just gonna
be at home
521
00:22:08,370 --> 00:22:10,080
watching a movie by myself.
522
00:22:10,121 --> 00:22:12,165
Mm, no, you're not.
You're coming out, my friend.
523
00:22:12,207 --> 00:22:13,458
I am?
Yes.
524
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:15,585
A little birdie told me
you could use a night out,
525
00:22:15,627 --> 00:22:17,837
so I was thinking
we'd go to that bar
526
00:22:17,879 --> 00:22:19,339
in the HoJos you like,
527
00:22:19,381 --> 00:22:22,217
knock back some White Russians
and hard cider,
528
00:22:22,258 --> 00:22:23,968
get some takeout
from that German place,
529
00:22:24,010 --> 00:22:26,304
and check out
some Chris Tucker movies.
530
00:22:26,346 --> 00:22:28,098
Sound perfect or what?
531
00:22:31,059 --> 00:22:33,436
{\an8}Yeah.
That sounds perfect.
532
00:22:33,478 --> 00:22:35,188
Hey, Tuna, what time is it?
533
00:22:35,230 --> 00:22:37,482
Um, uh--
"Rush Hour."
534
00:22:37,524 --> 00:22:38,858
Sweet!
535
00:22:38,900 --> 00:22:40,110
Sweet.
536
00:22:42,570 --> 00:22:43,780
(Jim)
Nice job, Beesly.
537
00:22:43,822 --> 00:22:45,031
Ave-hay un-fay.
538
00:22:45,073 --> 00:22:46,700
You are so going down.
539
00:22:49,703 --> 00:22:51,246
My fiancé, Bob Vance,
540
00:22:51,287 --> 00:22:54,165
wants me to have
a dozen babies.
541
00:22:54,207 --> 00:22:56,042
[whispers]
But he thinks I'm 31.
542
00:22:56,084 --> 00:22:57,210
[chuckles]
543
00:22:57,252 --> 00:22:58,878
What a little darling you are.
544
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:00,672
Don't patronize him.
Yeah--what?
545
00:23:00,714 --> 00:23:02,257
Okay.
546
00:23:08,596 --> 00:23:10,890
(Michael)
Oh, hey, Martin!
547
00:23:10,932 --> 00:23:13,226
You have TV in the joint?
548
00:23:13,268 --> 00:23:14,561
Yeah, in the rec room.
549
00:23:14,602 --> 00:23:16,855
Ah, got a ten-inch
black and white?
550
00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:19,607
Actually, our TV was
bigger than that one.
551
00:23:19,649 --> 00:23:21,526
[snickering]
552
00:23:21,568 --> 00:23:23,778
Yeah, I did call
the cable company,
553
00:23:23,820 --> 00:23:26,406
and there are no available
appointments for three weeks.
554
00:23:26,448 --> 00:23:28,241
But I'd been in prison,
555
00:23:28,283 --> 00:23:32,078
there is a cable guy onsite.
556
00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:33,204
I'm sorry, I didn't mean--
557
00:23:33,246 --> 00:23:34,956
No, no, no, no.
It's totally cool.
558
00:23:34,998 --> 00:23:38,251
[Kevin giggling]
559
00:23:39,419 --> 00:23:42,088
(Michael)
These people don't realize how lucky they are.
560
00:23:42,130 --> 00:23:43,214
What makes this country great?
561
00:23:43,256 --> 00:23:44,257
Freedoms.
562
00:23:44,299 --> 00:23:46,092
And these people out here,
563
00:23:46,134 --> 00:23:48,094
they take these freedoms
for granted
564
00:23:48,136 --> 00:23:49,596
within this office.
565
00:23:49,637 --> 00:23:52,599
The freedom of speech,
within reason.
566
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,935
The freedom of--to wear
whatever they want
567
00:23:55,977 --> 00:23:57,520
within the dress code.
568
00:23:57,562 --> 00:23:58,521
They--
569
00:24:00,357 --> 00:24:03,318
This office
is the American Dream.
570
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:05,487
And they would rather
be in the hole.
571
00:24:18,875 --> 00:24:20,502
Hey, buddy. Hey.
572
00:24:20,543 --> 00:24:22,003
How's it crackin'?
Good.
573
00:24:22,045 --> 00:24:24,172
Cool.
574
00:24:24,214 --> 00:24:27,676
Say, um, have you seen Meredith
575
00:24:27,717 --> 00:24:31,888
since you dropped her off
at the ice cream store?
576
00:24:33,598 --> 00:24:34,724
Tire place?
577
00:24:34,766 --> 00:24:36,935
Oh, right.
578
00:24:36,976 --> 00:24:38,520
[snaps]
Tire place.
579
00:24:38,561 --> 00:24:40,105
No, I haven't seen her.
580
00:24:40,146 --> 00:24:41,648
I assume she took
her own car back.
581
00:24:41,690 --> 00:24:43,983
Right.
That's probably what happened.
582
00:24:46,111 --> 00:24:47,320
Okay.
583
00:24:49,906 --> 00:24:51,116
Say,
584
00:24:51,157 --> 00:24:53,868
what was the same of that,
uh, tire place again?
585
00:24:53,910 --> 00:24:54,994
No idea.
586
00:24:55,036 --> 00:24:57,997
It was the one
on Linden and Franklin.
587
00:24:58,039 --> 00:24:59,582
Okay.
588
00:25:04,421 --> 00:25:05,755
Thanks.
Mm-hmm.
589
00:25:08,967 --> 00:25:10,802
You've been very helpful.
590
00:25:19,936 --> 00:25:21,438
Oh, Andy.
591
00:25:22,063 --> 00:25:24,232
I thought of one last tack
you can take with Pam.
592
00:25:24,274 --> 00:25:26,484
Yeah, what?
Quick question. Do you play the guitar?
593
00:25:26,526 --> 00:25:27,736
I play the banjo.
594
00:25:27,777 --> 00:25:29,112
Hold on.
Let me think about that.
595
00:25:29,154 --> 00:25:30,572
Yes, that'll work.
596
00:25:30,613 --> 00:25:33,408
But can you sing in a sexy
high falsetto voice?
597
00:25:36,244 --> 00:25:38,538
[falsetto]
♪ You know I can, my man ♪
598
00:25:38,580 --> 00:25:40,040
Yep, that's perfect.
599
00:25:40,081 --> 00:25:42,500
Hey.
Hey.
600
00:25:42,542 --> 00:25:43,960
I'm gonna go get
my banjo out of my car.
601
00:25:44,002 --> 00:25:45,253
Perfect.
602
00:25:45,295 --> 00:25:47,339
What is going on?
603
00:25:47,380 --> 00:25:49,382
I'm messing with Andy.
604
00:25:49,424 --> 00:25:50,717
I'm sending him to all
the women in the office
605
00:25:50,759 --> 00:25:53,428
with just
terrible information
606
00:25:53,470 --> 00:25:55,263
on how to get them
to go out with him.
607
00:25:55,305 --> 00:25:56,514
I love it.
I want in.
608
00:25:56,556 --> 00:25:59,351
Who's the target?
609
00:25:59,392 --> 00:26:01,770
Oh, you know what?
610
00:26:01,811 --> 00:26:03,938
It was gonna be Pam, but--
Perfect.
611
00:26:03,980 --> 00:26:05,607
What do I do?
Just give me an assignment.
612
00:26:05,648 --> 00:26:07,901
Oh, you know what, though?
613
00:26:07,942 --> 00:26:10,278
I feel like I already
sicced him on Pam.
614
00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:11,571
We'll give her a break.
615
00:26:11,613 --> 00:26:14,282
Let's think
of someone else.
616
00:26:14,324 --> 00:26:16,659
Here we go.
Head on in.
617
00:26:16,701 --> 00:26:17,994
[claps]
Come on, folks.
618
00:26:18,036 --> 00:26:19,454
You heard him.
Let's go.
619
00:26:19,496 --> 00:26:20,789
Michael, I need
a moment of your time.
620
00:26:20,830 --> 00:26:22,499
Not now.
Just get in there.
621
00:26:22,540 --> 00:26:23,958
I know you said
you didn't want to hear
622
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:27,295
anything more about Martin,
but I have a very important,
623
00:26:27,337 --> 00:26:31,257
brand-new piece of information
624
00:26:31,299 --> 00:26:33,176
that you are gonna
be very glad to hear.
625
00:26:33,218 --> 00:26:34,469
All right. What?
626
00:26:34,511 --> 00:26:37,263
[whispering]
I believe Martin has kidnapped
627
00:26:37,305 --> 00:26:40,517
and possibly slaughtered Meredith.
628
00:26:40,558 --> 00:26:42,894
Okay.
You know what, Dwight?
629
00:26:42,936 --> 00:26:45,021
I swear,
one more word out of you,
630
00:26:45,063 --> 00:26:46,272
I will fire you,
631
00:26:46,314 --> 00:26:47,941
and I will replace you
with another convict.
632
00:26:47,982 --> 00:26:49,943
Okay? Hmm?
633
00:26:51,486 --> 00:26:52,529
Well?
It's off.
634
00:26:52,570 --> 00:26:53,905
What about Meredith?
635
00:26:53,947 --> 00:26:55,407
She's on her own.
636
00:26:57,409 --> 00:26:58,660
All right, everybody.
637
00:26:58,702 --> 00:27:00,161
There has been
a lot of name-calling
638
00:27:00,203 --> 00:27:02,080
against our office today.
639
00:27:02,122 --> 00:27:04,916
Corporate maligning, slurring.
640
00:27:04,958 --> 00:27:08,086
Much of it coming
from one of you
641
00:27:08,128 --> 00:27:13,925
who claims that prison
is better than here.
642
00:27:13,967 --> 00:27:16,553
And none of us
can say "boo"
643
00:27:16,594 --> 00:27:19,514
because none of us
have ever been to prison.
644
00:27:19,556 --> 00:27:22,684
Well, here's somebody
I'd like you to meet.
645
00:27:22,726 --> 00:27:25,854
Somebody else who has
been to prison
646
00:27:25,895 --> 00:27:27,188
who can tell you
647
00:27:27,230 --> 00:27:31,151
what it is really like.
648
00:27:31,192 --> 00:27:32,944
[bad New York City accent]
I'm Prison Mike.
649
00:27:34,446 --> 00:27:36,156
You know why they call me
Prison Mike?
650
00:27:36,197 --> 00:27:38,742
Do you really expect us to
believe you're somebody else?
651
00:27:38,783 --> 00:27:40,285
Do you really expect me
652
00:27:40,326 --> 00:27:43,038
to not push you up against
the wall, beeyotch?
653
00:27:43,079 --> 00:27:44,748
Hey!
Whoa, whoa!
654
00:27:44,789 --> 00:27:47,625
Hey, that's just the way
we talk in the clink.
655
00:27:47,667 --> 00:27:50,420
Been a lot of fun talk
about prison today.
656
00:27:50,462 --> 00:27:52,339
But I am here
to scare you straight.
657
00:27:52,380 --> 00:27:56,092
When I was just a little kid,
658
00:27:56,134 --> 00:27:59,179
we had an assembly at school
659
00:27:59,220 --> 00:28:01,723
where a giant owl came out
660
00:28:01,765 --> 00:28:06,853
and gave a very
impassioned speech
661
00:28:06,895 --> 00:28:11,649
about giving hoots
and not polluting,
662
00:28:11,691 --> 00:28:14,110
and you know what?
663
00:28:14,152 --> 00:28:16,738
I never polluted again.
664
00:28:16,780 --> 00:28:18,823
It was right then
that I realized
665
00:28:18,865 --> 00:28:23,286
the power of saying things
as a character.
666
00:28:23,328 --> 00:28:25,914
People listen to you
667
00:28:25,955 --> 00:28:29,793
when you are wearing
an elaborate costume
668
00:28:29,834 --> 00:28:36,633
or speaking in a voice
that is not yours.
669
00:28:36,675 --> 00:28:40,553
I am here
to scare you straight!
670
00:28:40,595 --> 00:28:42,764
In prison,
you are somebody's bitch.
671
00:28:42,806 --> 00:28:45,433
You're always having sex
with somebody,
672
00:28:45,475 --> 00:28:47,644
whether it's a gang member
673
00:28:47,686 --> 00:28:49,312
or the guards,
674
00:28:49,354 --> 00:28:53,233
and then you run to the warden
for protection,
675
00:28:53,274 --> 00:28:54,776
and you become a snitch.
676
00:28:54,818 --> 00:28:57,195
And then the other inmates
kill ya!
677
00:28:57,237 --> 00:28:58,947
Does that sound like fun?
678
00:28:58,988 --> 00:28:59,823
Oh, and you.
679
00:28:59,864 --> 00:29:02,242
You, my friend, would be
680
00:29:02,283 --> 00:29:04,119
da belle of da ball.
681
00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:05,995
Don't drop the soap.
Don't drop the soap.
682
00:29:06,037 --> 00:29:07,539
Michael, please.
683
00:29:07,580 --> 00:29:09,791
[kissing noises]
684
00:29:09,833 --> 00:29:12,043
Where did you learn
all of this?
685
00:29:12,085 --> 00:29:13,211
Internet.
686
00:29:13,253 --> 00:29:14,295
So not prison.
687
00:29:14,337 --> 00:29:17,173
And prison.
It's 50/50.
688
00:29:17,215 --> 00:29:18,466
Both.
689
00:29:18,508 --> 00:29:20,468
Look, prison stinks
690
00:29:20,510 --> 00:29:21,553
is what I'm saying.
691
00:29:21,594 --> 00:29:22,929
It's not like
you can go home
692
00:29:22,971 --> 00:29:24,806
and recharge your batteries
693
00:29:24,848 --> 00:29:26,141
and come back in the morning
694
00:29:26,182 --> 00:29:29,102
and be with your friends
having fun in the office.
695
00:29:30,770 --> 00:29:32,272
What did you do,
Prison Mike?
696
00:29:32,313 --> 00:29:34,065
I stole.
697
00:29:35,525 --> 00:29:37,986
And I robbed.
698
00:29:38,028 --> 00:29:41,614
And I kidnapped
the President's son
699
00:29:41,656 --> 00:29:43,074
and held him for ransom.
700
00:29:43,116 --> 00:29:45,910
That is quite the rap sheet,
Prison Mike.
701
00:29:45,952 --> 00:29:47,746
An I never got caught neither.
702
00:29:47,787 --> 00:29:49,998
Well, you're in prison,
but, mm-hmm.
703
00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:52,500
Prison Mike, what was
the food like in prison?
704
00:29:52,542 --> 00:29:55,712
Gruel sandwiches.
705
00:29:55,754 --> 00:29:56,713
Gruel omelets.
706
00:29:56,755 --> 00:29:58,673
Nothing but gruel.
707
00:29:58,715 --> 00:30:00,175
Plus, you can eat
your own hair.
708
00:30:00,216 --> 00:30:01,885
Wow.
709
00:30:01,926 --> 00:30:03,636
Prison sounds horrible.
710
00:30:03,678 --> 00:30:04,929
Yeah, yeah.
711
00:30:04,971 --> 00:30:07,849
Well, thank you, Andy. Thanks.
712
00:30:07,891 --> 00:30:11,811
Have any of you ever
had to break a rock
713
00:30:11,853 --> 00:30:14,814
all day, every day,
for no reason,
714
00:30:14,856 --> 00:30:16,775
with chains on your legs?
715
00:30:16,816 --> 00:30:18,276
You were on a chain gang?
716
00:30:18,318 --> 00:30:19,861
Tell us how you masterminded
717
00:30:19,903 --> 00:30:21,654
the kidnapping
of the President's son.
718
00:30:21,696 --> 00:30:25,492
I waited outside
his prep school in a van,
719
00:30:25,533 --> 00:30:28,703
and when he came out
for soccer practice, I pounced.
720
00:30:28,745 --> 00:30:31,456
Prison Mike,
what's the very, very
721
00:30:31,498 --> 00:30:33,208
worst thing about prison?
722
00:30:33,249 --> 00:30:35,251
[muttering]
Don't encourage him, Dwight.
723
00:30:35,293 --> 00:30:38,630
The worst thing about prison
was--was the Dementors.
724
00:30:38,672 --> 00:30:40,465
They were flying
all over the place,
725
00:30:40,507 --> 00:30:42,008
and they were scary.
726
00:30:42,050 --> 00:30:43,218
And then they'd come down
and they'd suck the soul
727
00:30:43,259 --> 00:30:44,719
out of your body,
and it hurt.
728
00:30:44,761 --> 00:30:46,846
Dementors like
in Harry Potter?
729
00:30:46,888 --> 00:30:49,099
No, not Harry Potter.
730
00:30:49,140 --> 00:30:51,559
There were no movies
in prison.
731
00:30:51,601 --> 00:30:52,727
This is my point.
732
00:30:52,769 --> 00:30:55,063
You guys got it soft
and cushy.
733
00:30:55,105 --> 00:30:56,981
This place
is freaking awesome.
734
00:30:57,023 --> 00:30:58,566
The people are awesome.
735
00:30:58,608 --> 00:30:59,734
Your boss is nice.
736
00:30:59,776 --> 00:31:01,486
Everybody seems
to get along.
737
00:31:01,528 --> 00:31:03,571
People are tolerant.
738
00:31:03,613 --> 00:31:05,407
People who would jump
to conclusions
739
00:31:05,448 --> 00:31:06,866
can redeem themselves.
740
00:31:06,908 --> 00:31:09,369
Nobody's nobody's bitch.
741
00:31:09,411 --> 00:31:11,121
I hope that this scared you.
742
00:31:11,162 --> 00:31:13,415
And from me, Prison Mike,
to you,
743
00:31:13,456 --> 00:31:17,252
I just want to thank you
for listening to me
744
00:31:17,293 --> 00:31:19,921
and letting me be a part
of your life today.
745
00:31:19,963 --> 00:31:21,965
'Cause you got
a good life!
746
00:31:23,383 --> 00:31:24,676
You got a good life.
747
00:31:24,718 --> 00:31:27,303
A good life.
748
00:31:29,180 --> 00:31:32,767
I came up with Prison Mike
during improv class,
749
00:31:32,809 --> 00:31:34,394
and I was doing a scene.
750
00:31:34,436 --> 00:31:36,646
These two college kids
would not stop talking,
751
00:31:36,688 --> 00:31:38,648
so I became Prison Mike,
752
00:31:38,690 --> 00:31:41,693
and I said,
753
00:31:41,735 --> 00:31:45,864
"Hey, shut up,
or I'll stab you twos."
754
00:31:45,905 --> 00:31:50,744
And they never said anything
to me again.
755
00:31:54,497 --> 00:31:55,957
So, what do you think?
756
00:31:55,999 --> 00:31:58,460
It doesn't sound so great,
does it?
757
00:31:58,501 --> 00:32:01,588
Wow.
758
00:32:01,629 --> 00:32:02,964
Thank you.
759
00:32:03,006 --> 00:32:06,092
Um, that must have been hard
for you to relive that.
760
00:32:06,134 --> 00:32:07,427
Both of you.
761
00:32:07,469 --> 00:32:09,971
Yeah, that wasn't really
762
00:32:10,013 --> 00:32:12,182
at all my experience.
763
00:32:12,223 --> 00:32:14,267
There were
certain elements
764
00:32:14,309 --> 00:32:16,478
of what you performed
765
00:32:16,519 --> 00:32:18,146
I've seen on television,
766
00:32:18,188 --> 00:32:21,024
but it didn't remind me
of my time in prison.
767
00:32:23,818 --> 00:32:26,363
Okay, okay. Fine.
768
00:32:26,404 --> 00:32:28,490
You guys think prison
is so great?
769
00:32:28,531 --> 00:32:30,617
All right.
770
00:32:30,658 --> 00:32:33,787
Well, here you go.
771
00:32:33,828 --> 00:32:35,663
(Jim)
Okay, Michael. Come on, let us out.
772
00:32:35,705 --> 00:32:38,166
No, if you think prison
is so wonderful,
773
00:32:38,208 --> 00:32:39,584
then enjoy prison.
774
00:32:39,626 --> 00:32:40,835
Are we locked in here?
775
00:32:40,877 --> 00:32:42,212
They are such babies.
776
00:32:42,253 --> 00:32:44,255
I am going to
leave them in there
777
00:32:44,297 --> 00:32:47,175
until they can
appreciate what it's like
778
00:32:47,217 --> 00:32:48,802
to have freedom.
779
00:32:48,843 --> 00:32:50,512
And if this doesn't
bother them,
780
00:32:50,553 --> 00:32:52,430
then I am out of ideas.
781
00:32:52,472 --> 00:32:54,808
[continuous knocking on door]
782
00:32:54,849 --> 00:32:56,685
[Hannah humming lullaby]
783
00:32:56,726 --> 00:32:58,853
Hey!
Let us out of here!
784
00:32:58,895 --> 00:33:02,315
[loud pounding]
785
00:33:02,357 --> 00:33:05,402
Hey, I have--
Shh!
786
00:33:05,443 --> 00:33:07,612
Hey.
787
00:33:07,654 --> 00:33:10,407
I'm putting in
20 years of this.
788
00:33:12,534 --> 00:33:14,744
[ring]
789
00:33:16,913 --> 00:33:18,790
This is Toby.
790
00:33:18,832 --> 00:33:20,291
Hey, Pam.
791
00:33:20,333 --> 00:33:22,293
Where are you
calling from?
792
00:33:25,255 --> 00:33:27,465
Michael, why is everyone
locked in the conference room?
793
00:33:27,507 --> 00:33:30,802
They were very disrespectful
to me and to the office.
794
00:33:30,844 --> 00:33:33,930
And Martin has had
a bad influence.
795
00:33:33,972 --> 00:33:36,808
To think that I gave him
the benefit of a doubt.
796
00:33:36,850 --> 00:33:38,268
It's--
797
00:33:38,309 --> 00:33:41,730
Well, you're gonna have to
let them out or I will.
798
00:33:41,771 --> 00:33:44,190
Okay, you know what, Toby?
799
00:33:44,232 --> 00:33:47,902
I am teaching them
a lesson, so...
800
00:33:47,944 --> 00:33:50,113
You know
they're teasing you.
801
00:33:50,155 --> 00:33:53,074
I mean, obviously this
802
00:33:53,116 --> 00:33:56,244
is a much nicer place
than an actual prison.
803
00:33:57,620 --> 00:33:59,080
We get paid to be here.
804
00:33:59,122 --> 00:34:01,207
We go home afterwards
and have social lives.
805
00:34:01,249 --> 00:34:04,502
And we have parties here.
806
00:34:06,921 --> 00:34:08,757
They're teasing you.
807
00:34:08,798 --> 00:34:10,300
To be funny.
808
00:34:18,975 --> 00:34:21,603
Okay, nutcases,
get out of there.
809
00:34:21,644 --> 00:34:23,063
Good work.
810
00:34:23,104 --> 00:34:25,190
Long day.
Really long.
811
00:34:25,231 --> 00:34:28,485
Why don't you guys
head home early?
812
00:34:28,526 --> 00:34:31,154
Time off for good behavior!
813
00:34:31,196 --> 00:34:33,239
[chuckles]
814
00:34:33,281 --> 00:34:35,033
Good job.
815
00:34:35,075 --> 00:34:37,494
Enjoy your freedoms.
816
00:34:42,123 --> 00:34:46,753
Martin went from being
a new guy from Stamford
817
00:34:46,795 --> 00:34:49,047
to a convict,
818
00:34:49,089 --> 00:34:51,716
to my friend,
819
00:34:51,758 --> 00:34:53,635
back to a convict,
820
00:34:53,677 --> 00:34:56,930
then to kind of
a nuisance, actually,
821
00:34:56,971 --> 00:34:59,224
if we can be
completely honest.
822
00:34:59,265 --> 00:35:02,852
And finally to a quitter.
823
00:35:02,894 --> 00:35:05,480
And I will not miss him.
824
00:35:05,522 --> 00:35:10,527
And that is not
because he is Black.
825
00:35:14,989 --> 00:35:16,074
[falsetto voice]
♪ So we've been told ♪
826
00:35:16,116 --> 00:35:19,327
♪ And some choose
to believe it ♪
827
00:35:19,369 --> 00:35:24,040
♪ I know they're wrong,
wait and see ♪
828
00:35:24,082 --> 00:35:26,918
♪ 'Cause one day
we'll find it ♪
829
00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:29,713
♪ The ainbowray
onnectionkay ♪
830
00:35:29,754 --> 00:35:34,175
♪ The lovers,
the dreamers, and me ♪
831
00:35:34,217 --> 00:35:37,929
♪ La da da da
da da de ♪
832
00:35:37,971 --> 00:35:45,020
♪ La la da da da
da da de ♪
56697
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