Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:03,960
DAVID: It does indeed, yeah.
2
00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:06,960
A sense of relief.
3
00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:10,960
Something different.
4
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:12,960
Yeah, change for a bit.
5
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:17,960
From the show for a bit.
6
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,960
Erm, I don't always know.
7
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:25,960
Well, you know, film, TV,
that takes a while to set up,
8
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,960
and theatre projects,
they come and go. And...
9
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:30,960
I forget that Georgia
just hawks you around broadcasters
10
00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:34,960
in a wheelbarrow, hawking your wares
for a cheese-and-onion sandwich.
11
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,960
Well, you can feel stuck,
can't you, after a while?
12
00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:43,320
Erm, two series of Good Omens,
three series of Staged...
13
00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:46,480
You know, I-I think it's important
to mix things up.
14
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:47,960
I feel that, too.
15
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,960
I'm playing Aneurin Bevan
for the BBC.
16
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,960
DAVID CHUCKLES
What?
17
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,960
Well, that's not exactly
mixing things up, is it?
18
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,160
I have never played him before.
19
00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:59,960
You've done impressions before.
Don't call them impressions.
20
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,160
How many times have you seen
the tired old Tony Blair shtick?
21
00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:04,960
How many times have you thrown on
a brown coat and glued your hair
22
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,960
into an exponential curve
and battled a salt shaker?
23
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:09,960
Fucking galaxies have died
since that free-for-all began.
24
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:11,960
And Bevan's Welsh. Is he gonna...
25
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:13,960
Is he gonna seek out
football teams to shout at?
26
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:15,640
Is that your new...
Is that your new...
27
00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:18,960
IMPERSONATING SHEEN: "Oh, bois bach.
Oh, comedy, kick a football around.
28
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:21,960
"Give us some Welsh sugar"?
Bit of that? Is he gonna do that?
29
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:23,960
Can we expect to see you
in a new crime series
30
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:24,960
for the BBC any time soon?
31
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,960
No.
No? No, really?
32
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:29,160
I mean, there might be a body
in a small town early next year.
33
00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:31,960
It's possible. Right. You gonna be
looking out over cliffs?
34
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:34,960
I might brood.
Yeah, furrowing the old brow.
35
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,960
I will use all the tools
in my extensive toolbox.
36
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,960
I wonder there's not a mass exodus
as soon as you walk in.
37
00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:40,960
"Oh, this is a lovely town.
I'm glad we moved here.
38
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,960
"Oh, isn't that the scrawny fucker
39
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:44,960
"whose arrival heralds
the coming of death?
40
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,960
"Hey-ho, on we go."
41
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,000
Yeah.
42
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,960
Yeah.
I suppose so.
43
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:02,960
Recently.
I didn't used to.
44
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,960
GEORGIA: Mm.
45
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,960
I don't know how much mouth rinse
Simon had necked at the dentists,
46
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:21,960
but the new script
for episode three was...
47
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:23,960
was not boring.
48
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:25,480
It was big and bold and different.
49
00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:28,160
And I think that's why David
and Michael got excited again.
50
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:31,960
I know I'd not been keen, but it
was nice to see Michael energised.
51
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:33,960
And we still had the documentary
as a back-up,
52
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:35,960
so we just thought, "Let's go."
53
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:37,640
One last role of the lunacy dice.
54
00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:39,960
So, the scripts are all David
and Michael meeting past versions
55
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,960
of themselves from season one,
56
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,960
sort of a warning
of what was to come.
57
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,960
David talked to David, Michael
talked to Michael, all on Zoom.
58
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:51,960
And David taught himself
how to make a sourdough starter.
59
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:53,960
Then Michael and David
argued with Michael and David.
60
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,960
Then Michael and Michael
argued with David and David,
61
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:57,960
and the Michaels betrayed
the Davids.
62
00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,480
It was very high concept.
63
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,480
A Christmas-yet-to-come
kind of thing.
64
00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:04,960
Sort of Bill and Ted, really,
or Back To The Future Part II.
65
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,960
One last gasp.
66
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,960
I mean,
we all really wanted it to work.
67
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:11,960
Yeah, everyone wanted it to work.
68
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:16,960
Yeah.
69
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:18,960
Yeah.
70
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:21,800
It wasn't...
71
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,960
It wasn't really what Josh wanted,
and there was no money, so...
72
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,960
Michael checked out.
73
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:30,320
David did, too.
They didn't want to do it any more.
74
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:34,960
So we made the decision
to deliver the documentary.
75
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,960
Georgia got what she wanted.
76
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,960
It wasn't really what anyone wanted.
Not like that.
77
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,960
You know, the show was, erm...
78
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,960
like a spirited,
scrappy little thing
79
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,960
when we started, and now...
80
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:54,320
It's just...
81
00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:05,960
Yeah.
I just hope we get away with it.
82
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,960
Fucking hell. They are bad.
83
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:12,000
They're not bad.
They're not good.
84
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:13,640
Well, stop reading, then.
85
00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:16,960
"What was fresh and invigorating
is now old and desperate."
86
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,960
Yeah, well,
they've only seen episode one.
87
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,320
The documentary stuff is fresh.
This is not what I wanted.
88
00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:24,640
Well, the writing takes the brunt,
so...
89
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:28,960
"Evans and co-creator Phin Glynn
should be given concrete shoes
90
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,960
"and thrown in the nearest river."
Yeah.
91
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,960
Hi.
You've seen them?
92
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,960
They are bad.
They are not bad.
93
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:36,960
They are not good.
94
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,000
I'm listening to Talkback.
95
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,960
Oh, yeah?
What's Talkback?
96
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,960
It's, like, a phone-in radio show.
I was listening earlier.
97
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,960
Where they discussing us?
Yeah, savagely.
98
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:47,960
Hey, this caller likes us.
99
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:49,960
Oh.
100
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:59,960
No, she doesn't.
Oh. Oh. What did she say?
101
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,960
In the rankings
of comedy double acts,
102
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,960
David and Michael aren't.
103
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:09,960
Well, people are still calling in.
What about the Radio Times?
104
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:12,960
Oh. Yes, they like us!
They had us on the front cover.
105
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:13,960
Yeah, what do they say?
106
00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:18,960
"We have too much respect for David
and Michael to publish a review."
107
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,960
What can we do?
Well, we can't DO anything.
108
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,800
Can we explain?
Explain what?
109
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:27,960
You know, that it was a train wreck
from start to finish.
110
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:29,960
That we're lucky to have escaped
with our sanity,
111
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,960
let alone six episodes
of television,
112
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,640
and there should be prizes
for effort.
113
00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:34,960
The reviews are out, babe.
114
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,960
We could film new episodes.
When?
115
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,160
This week.
You're insane.
116
00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:40,960
We did it in a week before.
117
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:42,960
We were much younger men then.
118
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:43,960
It was two years ago.
119
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,960
Anyway, Lily's over from New York.
So?
120
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:50,960
So I want to forget bad reviews
and move on from this sorry chapter
121
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,960
and spend Christmas with my family.
122
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:55,960
Yeah, listen,
everything is gonna be fine, OK?
123
00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:57,480
Episode two airs tonight.
124
00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,960
Michael storms off,
we segue into the documentary,
125
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,320
and it carries on during the week
as planned.
126
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,960
What's episode three?
127
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:05,960
Erm, how we agreed
to do series three.
128
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,800
With Michael hiding in the car?
Yeah.
129
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:09,960
You and me in the shower,
that one?
130
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:11,960
Mm-hm. Episode four is you two
trying to write together.
131
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:12,960
Oh, God.
132
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,960
And episode five?
133
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,480
This. W-Where we are now.
134
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,960
ANNA SCOFFS
Are we filming this?
135
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,480
We're filming everything.
136
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:34,640
Simon can still write us a finale.
We already have one.
137
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:36,960
Part retrospective,
part looking to the future.
138
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,960
Well, that sounds terrible.
I am trying my best.
139
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,960
Have you heard from Simon?
No.
140
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,960
Are we worried that they might be
at the bottom of the river?
141
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,960
I mean, let's not worry about that
right now.
142
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,960
OK, we're working on the basis
that he is still alive
143
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,000
and not Mafia casualty.
144
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,960
He still won't have any time
to write anything, will he?
145
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,960
What about a live episode?
Oh, don't be so stupid.
146
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,640
RECORDED MESSAGE:
'You're our next caller.
147
00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:00,480
'You'll be on air
with Ben Wicks in a second.'
148
00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:01,960
What's that?
'Thanks for waiting.'
149
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,960
I'm on hold.
With who?
150
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,960
Talkback.
151
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:07,960
Why?
152
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:08,960
Someone's got to fight our corner.
153
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,960
You can't just call
into a radio station.
154
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:13,960
Just watch me.
155
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,800
I'm gonna tell them that we deserve
a prize for effort.
156
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:17,960
As yourself?
157
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,960
Not as myself.
Obviously, I will disguise my voice.
158
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:21,960
Well, what name did you give?
159
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,960
They didn't ask for a name.
160
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:25,960
'Hello, you're on with Ben Wicks.
What's your name?'
161
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:28,800
David.
Oh.
162
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:29,960
'Hi, David.'
163
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,960
WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:
But my friends call me Steven.
164
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:35,960
'Good to meet you, Steven.'
With a V.
165
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:37,960
'A V, like in David?'
166
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,960
Yeah, similar.
167
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,800
'And what do you want to say
about Staged?'
168
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:44,960
I really enjoyed that first episode.
169
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:46,960
'Oh, finally!
170
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,960
'You are in a minority of one.
What did you enjoy about it?'
171
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,960
What did I enjoy about it?
172
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:56,960
Erm... I think...
173
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,960
That they were trying something new.
174
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:02,960
'They don't give prizes for effort.'
175
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,960
Well, they should!
'It doesn't work that way.'
176
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,960
It was a tough production.
Their writer left halfway through.
177
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:12,000
'How do you know that?
Did you work on the show?'
178
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:14,960
No.
179
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,960
'So how do you know
about the writer leaving?'
180
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:20,960
Erm...
181
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:25,960
Well, what's happened is,
I have a wife on the crew.
182
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,960
'A wife? Does this wife
have the inside gossip?'
183
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,960
Yeah, she knows a thing or two.
184
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,000
'And what did she like
about the first episode?'
185
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:36,960
Oh, she's a big fan
of that David Tennant.
186
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,960
'Really?'
Yeah, yeah.
187
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,320
She thinks he's really sexy.
188
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,960
'Can we speak to her?'
189
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:46,960
No, she's busy right now.
190
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,960
'But she likes the first episode?'
191
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:52,960
Very much. Very much indeed.
She said to me, "David..."
192
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,960
Steven!
193
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,960
"Steven," she said to me...
'Who was that?'
194
00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,960
My son.
195
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:01,960
'What's his name?'
196
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,960
Mervyn.
197
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:07,960
'Did you enjoy the first episode,
Mervyn?'
198
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,960
HIGH-PITCHED: I liked it a lot.
199
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:14,960
He loved it, he did.
200
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,960
'You don't think
it's just the same old shtick?'
201
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:19,960
People love the old shtick.
202
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,960
People love the old shtick. Bye!
203
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,960
'But critics
are calling it boring, tired.
204
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:26,960
'Steven, they're calling it
predictable.
205
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:27,960
'What do you say to them?'
206
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,800
Well, they don't know what's coming.
207
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:33,960
'What's coming?'
208
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:38,960
Oh, something really surprising.
209
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:39,960
'I'm all ears.'
210
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,960
I shouldn't be telling you this.
211
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,000
'As long as it's not
another lazy layer of meta-rubbish,
212
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,960
'like a shift into documentary
or something.'
213
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:48,960
No.
214
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,960
'Well? What's coming?
215
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,960
'What should we be looking out for?'
216
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:55,960
Erm...
'Steven?'
217
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,960
What is coming up...
'Seriously.'
218
00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:00,960
..is really surprising is...
'Excite me.'
219
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:03,960
'What's gonna save this dead horse
before it's flogged?
220
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,960
'Please tell me it gets better.'
They're doing a live episode.
221
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,960
Hope you enjoy it. Bye, everyone!
222
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,160
We're doing a live episode.
223
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:20,000
Hm. OK.
224
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,960
Is that all you're gonna say?
225
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,960
I'm waiting for a punchline.
226
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,160
Oh, it's not a joke.
227
00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:26,960
I'm not writing you a live episode.
228
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,960
OK, David said something stupid.
229
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,160
Yes, I heard, on the radio.
Yeah.
230
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,960
Yeah. Where was he
supposed to be from? Mm, I dunno.
231
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,000
And Michael was Mervyn, yes?
OK, we are doing it on Saturday.
232
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,960
Mm-mm. No, we can't.
It's important to David.
233
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,640
That is not a basis
for decision making...
234
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,960
And Josh is excited about the idea.
235
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:45,960
I cannot imagine for a second that
Michael is excited about the idea.
236
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,960
Well, he will do it for David.
Well, I WON'T do it for David!
237
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,960
Listen, listen.
You started this, you little...
238
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:52,960
tenacious-till-the-going-gets-tough
watered-down idealist.
239
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,960
You came to me,
and it might not have ended up
240
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,320
like the great statement
that you wanted,
241
00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,960
and it might not parcel up
all your, like, hopes and dreams,
242
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,960
but YOU are gonna help us finish it.
243
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,960
What do we need?
244
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,960
OK. Right, what was it originally?
245
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,960
What, the original final episode?
You had a story, didn't you?
246
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,960
David and Michael
doing A Christmas Carol?
247
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,960
Yes, but it was all gonna fall apart
248
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:16,960
due to outside pressures.
OK. What sort of outside pressures?
249
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,160
Michael was going to be
beset by angry carol singers,
250
00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:21,960
and David was gonna be arrested
in Pyongyang.
251
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:22,960
What for?
252
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:25,960
Treason.
Right. Well, can't it still be that?
253
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:29,320
No. No. It's missing all the...
all the set-up.
254
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:31,960
Ooh!
255
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,960
Could we just do A Christmas Carol?
256
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,960
What, without
all the outside pressures?
257
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:41,320
Yeah. Like, OK,
David Tennant and Michael Sheen...
258
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,960
present a live version
of A Christmas Carol,
259
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:46,640
adapted by Simon Evans,
in the style of Staged,
260
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:47,960
filmed on laptops, audio on phones.
261
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,480
On Saturday?
On Saturday.
262
00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:51,800
Have you read A Christmas Carol?
263
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:54,800
I have seen the Muppet version.
264
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:55,960
Dickens was paid by the word.
265
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,960
Kermit the Frog has a doctorate.
266
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,960
Then get Kermit the Frog
to fucking write it!
267
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,960
OK, you wanted to do something
different for episode three.
268
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,960
And look how that all worked out.
OK, so do something different here.
269
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:07,480
People don't want different,
do they?!
270
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:09,960
If we do A Christmas Carol,
I tell you what people will want.
271
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:11,960
They'll want Marley and Cratchit
272
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,480
arguing about whose name
comes first on the sign outside.
273
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,960
They'll want Bob Cratchit
drawing fucking pineapples.
274
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,960
They'll want us
to find an Oscar-winner to play...
275
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,960
Tiny Tim!
So give them that.
276
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,960
No! Because they don't really
want that, do they?
277
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,800
Because I will get it in the neck
for being predictable.
278
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,640
Unless, of course,
it's a storming success,
279
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,960
in which case,
who gets all the credit?
280
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:31,960
David and Michael.
281
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,960
You know, there was a review
this morning for episode two.
282
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,960
It called it "Sheen and Tennant's
improvised farce".
283
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,960
Oh, that sounds positive!
284
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,480
Argh! That episode
stretched the bounds
285
00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:42,960
of all etiquette around
plot contrivance and exposition,
286
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,960
beyond ALL the boundaries
of literary decency,
287
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:46,960
and they still think
David and Michael
288
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:48,640
made it up on the fucking spot!
289
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:50,960
OK, they've never actually
said that, though, have they?
290
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,960
Have they?
291
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,960
No. No. No, because
they have always stood up for you.
292
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,960
They have always told everyone
how you write it
293
00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,960
and praised what you do.
294
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,320
In public.
Well, in public, yeah.
295
00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:03,160
Behind the scenes,
they are less generous.
296
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:05,960
Well, behind the scenes, you're as
useful as a yeast infection, babe.
297
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,960
But listen, they believe in you.
They stand up for you.
298
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:11,960
And they have never taken away from
how hard you work on what you do.
299
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,960
No?
Not once.
300
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,960
Hm.
301
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:16,960
MICHAEL:
302
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,960
DAVID:
303
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,960
MICHAEL:
304
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,000
DAVID:
305
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:31,960
MICHAEL:
306
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:32,960
DAVID:
307
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,960
MICHAEL:
308
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,640
DAVID:
309
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,160
MICHAEL:
310
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,480
DAVID: 'Where are you?'
Er...
311
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,960
We're getting there, you know.
Not far now.
312
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,960
'You're supposed to be here.'
Well...
313
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,960
Anna's a very cautious driver.
314
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,960
'You're bringing the kids with you?'
315
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:09,960
No, we left them
at my mum and dad's.
316
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,960
'You feeling confident about that?'
In absolutely no way whatsoever.
317
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,960
How's everything looking
at your end?
318
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,000
I just stepped outside.
319
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,960
What's the collective noun
for garden gnomes?
320
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,960
'A violation?'
321
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:23,320
It's pretty mental inside.
322
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,640
Ah. How's Simon getting along?
323
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,960
'He's supposed to be here too.'
324
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,320
Have you had anything
in from him yet?
325
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,960
Not a squit.
Oh, it'll be fine.
326
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:35,320
I just want it to feel different.
327
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:37,960
'Well, we can do it in silly hats.'
Yeah.
328
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,960
I just want us to help set up.
329
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:43,960
Well, isn't it just
laptops and phones?
330
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,960
No, no, no, no, no.
No, not any more.
331
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:47,960
There's lights being hung...
332
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:48,960
Oh...
333
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,320
..surfaces being painted...
334
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:52,960
Well, historically,
the best way we can help
335
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,160
is by staying out of the way.
'I feel responsible.'
336
00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:58,960
Well, that's understandable.
We did get everyone into this.
337
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:02,160
No, YOU got everyone into this.
I'm just caught in your rats' nest.
338
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:06,000
Yeah. I just want it
to feel different.
339
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,960
What has Georgia said
that we can do?
340
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,960
'She's asked me
to put up some signs.'
341
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,960
'Well, put up some signs, then.'
342
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:14,960
No, we're strong, handsome men.
I wanna be...
343
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,960
lifting things up
and putting them down again.
344
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,960
I feel like that would be a waste
of energy. I mean moving things.
345
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:22,960
I don't think
people would appreciate that.
346
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,160
Well, we can do what we're told.
347
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:26,960
Historically, we can't.
348
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,800
'We're here!'
Where the hell have you been?
349
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:38,960
'Don't ask.
We're outside, by the side gate.'
350
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:40,320
We assemble
a Who's Who of acting talent
351
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,960
and you arrive two hours late?
'Did you tell them your joke?'
352
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,000
LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
353
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,960
Oh, welcome! Welcome!
354
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:48,320
Oh, hello!
355
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:49,960
Anna! Hello.
356
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,960
And you brought a camera crew!
357
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,960
Let them through.
Don't ask questions.
358
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,960
See, I'm getting used to it now.
Is Lily not with you?
359
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,960
She's coming down later.
What's in the bag?
360
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,960
Costume options.
We don't need anything.
361
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,960
Christmas jumpers, funny hats.
362
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,160
OK. Yeah, all right.
Is the bunting for me?
363
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,960
Georgia's birthday, isn't it?
Party later.
364
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,160
We didn't bring a card.
I brought a card.
365
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,960
I'm glad you came.
Me too.
366
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,640
I wasn't sure if you were going to.
Well, Anna told me to.
367
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:17,960
Oh, yeah? Thought you didn't
want him making any more.
368
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,000
I want him to finish it properly.
369
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,960
That's very dramatic.
Well, she's a romantic at heart.
370
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,160
Only when it costs me nothing.
Georgia!
371
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:26,960
Yeah, fair, fair.
372
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,960
Well, well, look at that.
373
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,800
Very good.
Yeah. So, we're filming in here.
374
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,960
So, why are we making it
look like my kitchen?
375
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,960
Georgia wanted
to keep the aesthetic of the show.
376
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,960
Ah, right.
377
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,960
Do you think we'll get away with it?
Yeah.
378
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,960
OK.
379
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:54,960
What's the collective noun for
electronics into an extension lead?
380
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:56,960
A gamble?
381
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:57,960
Yeah...
382
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,640
We thought we should make sure
everyone's here on site
383
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:01,960
in case anything goes wrong.
Right.
384
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,960
Ooh!
385
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,960
Look at that. Georgia!
386
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,960
Oh, Michael!
387
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:10,320
You are late,
and Anna says it's your fault.
388
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:11,960
Simon's pulling up.
OK.
389
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,960
No, no, sorry.
There's no shoes upstairs.
390
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,960
That's yours.
Ooh, lovely. Great.
391
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:19,960
Is he... Is he in?
392
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,000
Yeah, he's here. Course he is.
He is?! Right!
393
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,960
HE KNOCKS
Ian?
394
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,480
It's Mich... Hello!
395
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,960
Aw... You...
396
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:31,960
Yeah, great. Great.
OK. Script with you soon?
397
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,960
OK. Bye.
398
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,160
WHISPERS: I don't trust people
399
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:39,320
who are comfortable naked
in other people's homes.
400
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,480
Right, is everyone in position?
401
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,160
Ooh, is Michael's forehead
a bit shiny?
402
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,960
What? I'll do a little buff.
MAN: 'Live in 60 seconds.'
403
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,960
Ooh, I'm excited!
Me too!
404
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,960
Do we have a script yet?
Yeah, Simon's printing it now.
405
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,320
Right.
OK. There we go. Right, listen.
406
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,960
There's a lot of wires under
your feet, so don't move them, OK?
407
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,160
Oh, right. OK.
408
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:09,480
Standing by OBS and phones.
Yeah. Good here...
409
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,960
Yes. All good.
Good here.
410
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:13,960
I love you, baby.
Love you too!
411
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:16,960
'45 seconds.'
412
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,960
Oh, this is what I'm talking about!
Ha-ha!
413
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,960
We feel like that, er - that dog
that chases the bird off the cliff
414
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,960
and there's just all air underneath.
But, you know,
415
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,960
as long as we keep our eyes
straight ahead... we won't fall.
416
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,960
Yeah. But it's a coyote.
417
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,960
No, a dog doesn't chase a coyote.
418
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,160
No, it's a coyote that
chases the bird, the Road Runner.
419
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:34,960
No, it's a cartoon, David.
420
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,960
Of a coyote.
Well, how do you know it's a coyote?
421
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,960
Cos his NAME is Wile E Coyote.
422
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,160
Well, a name
doesn't define a person.
423
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:42,320
'30 seconds.'
424
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:43,960
Still need a script, please,
thank you.
425
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,960
Yes, has anyone got eyes on Simon?
426
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,960
GEORGIA: It's coming!
Right.
427
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,960
Sorry, sorry!
Ah! Cometh the hour!
428
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,960
OK, there we go. Thank you.
One for me too, please.
429
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,960
Thank you. Can I just say
a big thank you, actually,
430
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,960
because I know that,
um, things have...
431
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,960
It just means a huge amount to me.
432
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,960
I know that you both
always have my back. Yeah, yeah.
433
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,960
And I just want to say...
434
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:07,960
I hope you have a really...
435
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,960
OK. Great.
A pleasure.
436
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,160
I'm sure we will, I'm sure we will.
Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.
437
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,960
Time for a cookie jar?
Maybe later.
438
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:16,960
Yeah. Have a very good show.
Have a good show.
439
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,960
'Live in ten seconds.'
440
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,320
Is yours blank?
Completely blank. Is yours?
441
00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:25,960
Also blank, yeah.
'Five seconds.'
442
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,960
Something on the very last page.
'Three...
443
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:29,960
'Two...'
444
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,960
"Improvise your way out of this."
'And we're live.'
445
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:42,960
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com
32425
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.