All language subtitles for The.Office.Superfan.Episodes.S07E02.Counseling.Extended.Cut.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

Wow.

Late every day
this week.

We signed Cece up
for this daycare,

and it's on
the other side of town.

The traffic--

Why didn't
I think of this before?

Did you know
that there is a daycare center

opening right here
in this building?

Is there really?

Now that I
own the building,

I'm looking
for new sources of revenue.

And a daycare center?

[malicious laugh]

Well, I guess
it's not an evil idea,

it's just a regular idea,
but there's no

good laugh
for a regular idea.

Welcome to the
Sesame Avenue daycare center

for infants and toddlers.

- Aah!
- Whoa!

You remember
my cousin Mose?

Welcome, children.

Were you painting
in the dark?

Wait,
is this your place, Dwight?

Oh, no, no, I like to think
of it as the kids' place.

Would you
like a tour?

I don't think
we really need--

Oh, let's
take the tour, Pam.

- Yeah.
- Come on.

Here is the
language skills

and cognitive
development area.

These are English,
uh, letters.

I see you found
our magical toy box, Jim.

These are actually forks
and knives from the break room.

Jim, to you and me, maybe.
But, come on.

To a child's imagination
that's Mr. Fork,

and Lieutenant Knife,
and Miss Fork.

And a soy sauce packet.

Oh.

That shouldn't have
been in there.

I'm embarrassed.

Don't beat yourself up.

We come fully equipped
with a restroom,

feeding trough,
play bucket,

and room for a plant,
in success.

Who will be
watching the children?

No one. The door
locks from the outside.

Escape is impossible.

Prove it.

- What... no.
- We're gonna head outside.

Just give it a whirl.

I just wanna
see how it works.

- Oh, no, no, no--I--
- But I'll tell you this.

If this works out,

I think we're looking
real good.

I promise you,
that door locks.

[click]

That's a great option.

I think it's the option
right now.

- We're locked in.
- Frontrunner.

- I mean, it's so much closer.
- See that?

Cannot get out.

- Got everything we need.
- Jim?

[cheerful music]

♪ ♪

What's something
you did that--

This is the worst!

You are the worst.
I hate looking at your face.

I wanna smash it!

Okay, you know what?
I made a mistake.

I committed
corporate punishment.

My bad.

It's over,
it's done.

But, my punishment
is, um,

worse than hell.

Michael's been assigned six
hours of mandatory counseling

with a trained professional.

I actually have
a degree in social work.

I mean,
I know a lot of people

would just ask
a few standard questions

and tick off
a few boxes,

but I've got a chance
to do some good here.

I know what
you wanna ask me.

"Did your mom
ever see you naked?"

We can do this
with more privacy.

So you can molest me?

Okay. I don't think so.

We're gonna
leave the blinds open

so everybody can see
what a big failure you are.

That's the key.

[door slams]

Boycott
the Steamtown Mall!

Everyone,
you heard me.

Cancel all your business
with the Steamtown Mall!

The mall itself,
or the stores in the mall?

All of it!

The mall, the stores,
the kiosks.

America's one big mall.

Did something happen,
Dwight?

Yeah, something happened.
Oh, yeah.

Something happened, Jim.

Well,
tell us what it is.

I mean, it might help
to get some context

so we can get on board.

You don't wanna know.

I'd like you
to imagine a place

where you feel
very peaceful.

For me, it's the walk
from the yogurt shop

to my car,
after I drop

my daughter off
on Sunday afternoons.

I'm glad
Michael's getting help.

He has a lot of issues,
and he's stupid.

Michael isn't complex enough
to need therapy.

Can't someone just
calmly explain

to him what's wrong with him?

It is high time, high time.

Talking about how many
feelings you have

is a form of bragging.

We get it.
You have a lot of feelings.

Whoop-dee-doo.

[sighs]

Look, I'm not
gonna tell you

that we have lower prices.

Is price something
that is important to you?

Okay, well, let me know
if anything changes.

Pam?

I can't do this.

I don't have this sales gene
or whatever it is.

Tell me everything's
gonna be okay.

Everything's
gonna be okay.

Tell me
I'm good at sales.

You're... you're good...
you're good at sales.

The unfair thing
about working in sales

is that your salary
is almost all commission.

So if you
suck at sales,

you make
almost no money.

I guess that's fair.

- Dwight.
- What?

Did you call
all my clients at the mall

and cancel
all my business

while using the F word?

Yes, I did.

And I'm gonna do the same
with all of your clients.

No, you will not.

Oh, yes, I will.
That mall is corrupt.

Okay, they're appearancists!

Okay, Dwight,
we can't do that.

So why don't you
just tell us what happened?

Yeah.
What happened, Dwight?

Okay?

You guys know me,
you know that I'm...

not one
for fancy things.

But there was
this one thing.

It was in a fancy store,

and it caught
the corner of my eye

when I took
Mose down to the mall

to get his blood pressure
at the Rite Aid.

And I thought, you know,

maybe I deserve this.

You know, I had a great
crop yield this fall.

So what happened?

I went to the store
and I pressed the buzzer,

and they looked right at me,
and then they looked away.

And then I pressed
the buzzer again,

and they started
taking pictures of me

with their mobile phones.

I guess I'm not the kind of guy
that's good enough

for precious heirlooms.

You know what, Dwight?

You need to go back there,
and you need to

Pretty Woman
their asses.

We should start
our own mall.

- Yeah!
- Wait, wait, wait.

Actually, that's
a really good idea, Kelly.

What did I say?

I talk a lot, so I've learned
to just tune myself out.

Dwight,
how about this?

Instead of a boycott,

you and I, together,
go down to that store

and we teach
those snobs a lesson.

No, you and I...and I.

- I'm gonna come with you.
- Okay.

Good.
All right.

Did you assume that I would
automatically side

with the rich,
snobby shop owner?

How about now?

How about now?

How about now?

How about now?

Uh, what's your
favorite flavor of--

- One hour.
- What?

One hour.
We've done one hour.

Let's just speed this up.

Okay,
keep it moving.

I wanna do
all six hours today.

Look, I can't count the hour
if you don't talk.

No, no, no... no.

I know my rights,
all I had to do

is sit here
for six hours.

Do my time.

Michael, it's up to me
to check off the boxes,

and I can't do that
unless I honestly--

Do you have any idea
how angry that is making me?

Tell me.

I think we might be about
to maybe really get somewhere.

Yes, I will.
I will talk all right.

Be careful
what you wish for, Toby.

Apparently, there is
a famous Hollywood movie

from the 1980s--
Beautiful Girl.

Pretty Woman.

- Um, apparently...
- Pretty Woman.

It's one of the best revenge
stories of all times

in which this sex worker,
who is the protagonist--

that can't be right.

- Andy, how does it--
- No, no, no.

- What?
- I wanna hear you tell it.

Okay, um, the sex worker
is denied service

at a fancy store because
she does not look wealthy.

She later returns,
dressed in all the trappings

of extravagant wealth,
but instead of shopping--

Julia Roberts goes in
the store, and she's like,

"I was in here yesterday, and
you people wouldn't help me."

And the shopgirl
goes, "oh."

And then Julia Roberts goes,

"You girls work
on commission, right?"

And the girl's like,
"Yeah."

And Julia Roberts goes--

"Big mistake. Huge."

I was telling--
I was telling that.

How many paper supplies and
ink cartridges to go with that?

Okay, sure.

Who can I speak to
in this office

about saving
on window treatments?

I don't know.

Is one of you
the office administrator?

I am.

I'm the office
administrator!

Can I show you
a few samples?

Uh, we're not interested.

We're not interested at all.

There are a few ways
to get promoted.

One is to wait for an opening
and apply for it.

That's the main way.

But this could work.

Toby, can I really
tell you anything?

Of course.

Well, the other night,

when I was sitting
at the table,

eating my penis--
I mean peas.

That was weird.

- All right.
- That's weird.

I think it all stems

from the fact
that I was...

I was probed.

By an alien life force.

An A.L.F.

Alf.

You know,
I might have actually

been probed by Alf.

You might think
he's a puppet.

You never see
the lower half,

but there's
a lower half.

Office administrator.

So when did this happen?

A few months ago.

I was talking
to someone at corporate.

- Mm-hmm.
- Who isn't there anymore.

And I think the paperwork
just got lost in the shuffle.

Can you believe that?

Typical... yeah, totally.
Well, congrats.

Thanks, yeah.

So I'm--I'm just gonna take
care of stuff around the office

and get paid
a reasonable salary.

- We need that, right?
- Totally, that's great.

- I get paid 40,000 a year.
- Great.

- Maybe 50,000.
- 50,000!

No, not 50,000.

41,000, I think.

- 41,000.
- 41,500.

That's great.

Before me stands
your coworker,

Dwight Kurt Schrute.

Dwight, show them all sides.
Turn around.

Now, today we need your help

turning Dwight
into a gentleman.

A gentleman,
who is a rich snob.

Who will go
into shopping malls

and drop huge amounts of cash
on clothes.

I will learn all
of the conventions.

I will adopt them as my own.

I will use the coded mannerisms
and accepted customs

of the elite to breach
their inner sanctum

and bring them down in a wave
of their own regret.

I will be kind,
only to be cruel.

Is he still
doing his boycott?

No, no, this is instead
of the boycott. Yeah.

Your shirt and tie
are disgusto-barfo.

- Agreed.
- Really?

Maybe something
not so monochromatic.

Not so matching.

Wait, less matching
to appear more rich?

The glasses
are a little...

I liked them.

I thought
they were kind of cute.

Yeah, I liked them too.

I can't see.

Say stuff like,
"good morning, good afternoon."

People appreciate that.

Wait, I see you every day.
Can I say, "good month?"

I'm telling you
how to do this, man.

If someone
offers you a cocktail,

accept, but keep
your wits about you.

Okay.

Please and thank you
go a long way.

Copy.
Thank you.

Thank you.

Please.

[English accent]
I think he's got it.

You need to trim
your fingernails.

How am I gonna pick
the food out of my teeth?

- Well, you don't do that.
- Don't do that.

Well--

And I was raised
by wolves.

I was 25 years old before
I saw my first human being.

Wait, is it
a full moon tonight?

[howls]

[growling]

Come on, Michael.
These are all fake stories.

Yes, yes,
they are all fake stories.

What sort
of twisted mind

would come up with
weird stories like that?

Three hours.
We're halfway done.

How?

[blows nose loudly]

Hey,
do you have a second?

- Yeah.
- Well, as I'm sure you know,

for the past few months,

I've been the office administrator,

since right before
you guys took over.

Right, of course.

And I haven't
gotten paid yet.

I'm not blaming you.

Thank you so much.

I just think somebody
lost the paperwork.

Oh, boy.

Can you get every department
head's signature on this,

so I can back this up
to corporate?

Yes, absolutely,
right away.

So this will be like
a three-piece suit?

Yeah.

Or a two-piece suit
with a vest.

Also very classy.

We are getting close.

Take good care of this.
It belonged to a museum.

Here you go.

Ew--kay.

And--

Very nice.
Say thank you.

- Jim.
- Say it.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

[screams]

So I'm dreaming
that I'm running,

and I'm running, and the
monster's about to get me,

and I get to a door,
and I try the doorknob,

and it's locked.

The monster's about to get me,
and then I wake up.

Wow, maybe the monster--

And then I look down
at my shoes,

and they are covered in mud.

And I look in the mirror,

and there's scratches
on my face.

Was it a dream?

I don't know.
It's really scary.

What does it mean, doctor?

Pretty scary story, huh, Toby?

Good luck falling
asleep tonight.

You know what, Michael?

You're right.
You win.

This is pointless.
We're not getting anywhere.

I got a bunch
of fun stuff,

in case my daughter
ever comes over.

Why don't we just
run out the clock

by playing games, drawing
some pictures, talking?

[imitates bugle]

We present to you,
for your final comments

and approval,
Dwight K. Schrute.

Go get 'em, Dwight.

Wish us luck.

Thank you.

Dwight.

Ooh, all done.

Disposable cameras are fun,
although it does seem wasteful

and you don't ever
get to see your pictures.

If it's an important event
that you want to remember,

I recommend
using a real camera.

But I don't care
if I forget today.

We could play something more
complicated if you'd like.

This is
plenty complicated.

So you've
played it before?

I played it
once or twice with Jeff.

Who's Jeff?

Jeff was
my mother's boyfriend,

who she married.

So her husband
and your stepdad.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I never
thought of it that way, though.

Did you guys
do much stuff together?

Yeah, you know what,

he took me to a baseball game
once, I remember.

It was weird, though;
they took the pitcher

out of the game,
and I felt really bad

because the pitcher
wasn't going to be able to play

with his friends anymore.

But Jeff said that the manager
was making a really good move

by taking
the pitcher out.

He really
respected the manager.

Do you mind if I take
a move back?

- No.
- Okay, thanks.

Ahem.

- What?
- My place, tonight.

- Wear this.
- Do you have your card?

Yes.

Don't forget the pipe.

- And that's the office, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

Look at that.

Angela's cat.

Why's Angela taller
than Dwight?

Right, oh.

I wonder why
he feels like that.

It's working.

I'm doing it.

It's really sad
that your dog ran away,

but why did it keep you
from going to the park?

I was afraid
I would find him

in the park
playing with another kid.

Why?

I guess that's why I thought

he ran away
in the first place--

to find a kid
he liked better.

- Dogs don't do that.
- Right?

- Why would a dog do that?
- I don't know.

When I hear myself say it,
it just sounds ridiculous.

But I never
said it out loud, so...

It's very important
for you

to be liked,
isn't it?

Well, let's not
get too--

this isn't
a counseling session.

Okay.

You son of a gun.

You son of a bitch.

Wow, okay.

I'm just trying
to help you, Michael.

- You bitch, god!
- Michael.

You're very helpful,
aren't you?

- I'm trying to--
- You try to help everybody.

Do you wanna
play another game?

- I just wanna--
- You are good.

But you know what?
You can't help people.

You couldn't
help your marriage.

- Hey.
- Lose, you lose.

I don't need your help.
Nobody needs your help.

Nobody wants it!
You can't help anybody.

I don't need your help!

Am I gonna make you cry?

Just fill them out
any way you want.

Okay.

Have Erin
fax them back to corporate.

Will do.

Okay,
filled out... good.

Thank you, doctor,
take two of these

and call me
in the morning.

Hey, Michael?

Um, about
three months ago,

I was talking--

Tell me, Michael.
Tell me your secrets.

Tell me, I'll make sure
it's not that--

Hey, Toby,
sorry to interrupt.

I need to--

Thanks.

There are a lot of
one-person departments here,

so there's a lot
of department heads.

But I'm off
to a good start.

Oh, man,
if I can pull this off,

it will be
the scam of all scams.

And yet,
very helpful to everyone.

So no one's into this
Mongolian place but me,

is that it?

You can go wherever you want.

That's the beauty
of the food court.

Okay, but we're definitely
all getting the same

thing for dessert.

- Revenge.
- Ice cream.

Revenge.

[chuckling]

Oh.

I love dogs.

And cats and animals,
but dogs are--

dogs will love you
no matter what.

Right?

Or do they?

That's--either way.

The only dog I like is Brian

from "Family Guy."

He talks funny.

Okay, but real dogs is what
I'm talking about.

Did you guys ever have
a real dog growing up?

Oscar, you had
a chihuahua, right?

Why would you say that?

Two reasons.

Not important.
I had a dog.

We didn't have dogs, Michael.

So there's no common ground
for this conversation.

- But just imagine if you--
- Yeah, hey.

- No common ground.
- Okay.

At that moment, I didn't want
to talk about dogs.

Right,
but at a different time,

maybe it would have gone
a different way.

So corporate got
your evaluations,

and they wanted me
to double-check--

is that really how you feel
about Michael's situation?

Yes.

That is not
how he seemed to me.

I thought
he seemed fine.

You marked "severe"
in all the categories,

including "at risk
for homicidal behavior."

[chuckles]

I saw a TLC show
on Kate Walsh's home office.

- All cork board.
- We can do that.

- Right here?
- Easily.

I'm back.
Pam, perfect.

I was hoping to talk
to the office administrator

about a little office
administration problem.

- But of course.
- Okay, great.

The problem, unfortunately, is
about the office administrator.

I have gone through everything
from the past three years.

There is nothing that says that
you're office administrator.

So weird that
there's no paperwork.

At all.

Although, like, unlikely
things happen all the time.

My best friend in high school,
she went to Australia--

Kember, I think--and she
met this guy who lived

only two streets away
from her in America.

Pam, I don't want
to accuse you of anything.

I just want everything
to be back the way it's

supposed to be.

Can you just admit--

admit--

- Admit what?
- I don't want to say it.

- Say it.
- Mm-mm.

Say that I'm lying.
Or say I have the job.

Make a definitive
statement, Gabe.

Statements of such a nature,
while they have their place,

are overused in a competitive
business environment.

Great, well, let me know if
you need a new chair

or anything that an office
administrator can handle.

Will do.

Could I get one
of those nameplates?

Says Gabe Lewis.

For sure. Anything else?

I'll get it right away.

The first lesson of watching
World Poker Tour at 2:00 a.m.,

you play the opponent,
not the cards.

Is that it?

Yes, thank you.

All right, man.

- This is your big moment.
- Yes.

Get psyched.

- It is a classy store.
- Yes.

Hold on.

Thank you.

Well, gentlemen.

Revenge, like borscht,

is a dish best served lukewarm.

I don't know how
they didn't let you in.

[bell ringing]

There he is.

You know all
your lines, right?

Oh, yeah, they're messing
with the wrong farm boy.

Is that
what we're here for?

A crystal wizard.
I like it.

It's a pewter wizard
holding a crystal.

Wait a second.

You know you
can't buy that now, right?

I can come back
and get it for you later,

but I'm saying right now,
we can't do that.

Right.

'cause I'm here
for one thing: Revenge.

- That's it.
- Okay.

Let me know if I
can help you with anything.

How about we talk
to you when we're ready.

Okay? Great.

Now's your chance.

Show him who you really are--

pretending to be.

- Excuse me, sir.
- Yes?

I was here yesterday,
and you refused to wait on me.

I remember, yes.

I'm terribly sorry
about what happened.

You work on commission,
don't you?

- Stop, stop.
- No.

Hold on one second--did you
just say you remember him?

Of course.

But, uh, he looks
much less threatening now.

- What does that mean?
- We had a safety concern.

We very politely indicated
that he'd be welcomed back--

Good morning.

If he were in accordance
with our dress policy.

- What?
- But the bloodstained hands...

It was beet juice.

I'm a beet farmer, id--

- I'm very sorry.
- Good sir.

I happened to have been working
a very long day that day,

when I came
to your fine estab--

you are so--
I'm gonna--

okay, listen,
you can't treat--

thank you.
Good morning, sir!

Okay.

You made a big mistake!
Huge!

There it is.
All right.

Ha.

- That was pretty good.
- Thank you. Please, after you.

I'll take the wizard.

Uh, okay.

It wasn't really
about the wizard in the end.

It was about, if a certain
type of person can,

in some small way,
with some help,

and a lot of motivation, become
a little bit more normal.

The answer may be no.

Are you--is that--

What are you doing?

[laughs]

It's my crystal now, wizard.

Ha!

I wanted the crystal,
not the wizard.

Why would I want that wizard?
Did you see it?

Oh, my god, he was so tacky.

Pewter? Please.

But this crystal--

magnificent.

What an odd

and sweet waste of the day.

You forged them.
You forged the forms.

You filled them in
and faxed them yourself.

- Yes.
- You remember that.

Yes, but you had me
so worked up

that I made a mistake.

Unless a part of you
made that mistake on purpose.

You don't make a mistake
on purpose, Toby.

Then it's
no longer a mistake.

Gabe.
He messed it up.

He messed up
the forms, I bet.

[imitating Gabe]
I wanna mess everything up

so I can fix it
and keep my job.

- [murmurs]
- [chuckles]

Good thing I'm here,
'cause I do nothing.

I make
everybody nervous. Aah!

[normal voice]
Okay.

That's your notebook?
All right.

All right.
Let's bang this out.

Let's do it to it.

I have fears
that I come into work,

and I'm the only one here.

And it is a relief to see
other people's faces.

Also, I like to drive.

I like to be the one driving
the car because I think

that people are gonna forget
to pick me up.

Can you imagine that,
people forgetting me?

Oh, let's see.
What else?

I don't even know how I
come up with this stuff.

[groans]
Poor Toby.

What an idiot.

Man, therapy sounds amazing.

If I had enough money,
I would totally go to therapy.

It's talking and talking
and talking for an hour

and no one stops you,
and they have to listen.

Well, I would love
to be a therapist.

Just sit there saying, uh-huh,

uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Give me $200.

Psychiatrists tend to be more
crazy than their patients.

Therapists are whores.

Psychiatry
is a narcissism machine.

I learned more from
Dr. Seuss than Dr. Freud.

Earth.

You don't have to be crazy
to live here, but it helps.

I don't know,
just use the best one.

[cheerful music]

♪ ♪