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1
00:00:09,759 --> 00:00:14,514
- Okay, everyone.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah.
2
00:00:14,556 --> 00:00:17,851
Attention, everyone!
Jim and I, on behalf of...
3
00:00:17,892 --> 00:00:19,019
- Too loud.
- The party planning committee,
4
00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:20,645
- Too too loud, too loud.
- Have an annou--
5
00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:22,105
but effective. Look.
6
00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:23,815
On behalf
of Jim and I,
7
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:26,317
Merry Christmas.
8
00:00:26,359 --> 00:00:28,236
all: Merry Christmas.
9
00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:29,404
Good.
10
00:00:29,446 --> 00:00:30,488
My diabolical plot
11
00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:32,949
is on hold for Christmas.
12
00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:37,829
My heart just melts with
the sound of children singing.
13
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,831
[snickers]
14
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:41,374
Not really.
15
00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:43,668
I'm just tired.
The days are short.
16
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:46,296
I don't know.
Maybe I'm depressed.
17
00:00:46,338 --> 00:00:48,381
It is time
to unveil the tree.
18
00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:51,009
- Hey, Rockefeller Center.
- Yeah.
19
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,302
Uh, I've actually
been to Rock Center,
20
00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:53,470
and this is
nothing like that.
21
00:00:53,511 --> 00:00:54,554
This is all we have.
22
00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:56,890
- Ugh.
- Nope, it's not "ugh."
23
00:00:56,931 --> 00:01:00,018
- It is office camaraderie.
- It is warm feelings.
24
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,686
Why don't we talk more about
it instead of doing it?
25
00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:04,439
30, 29, 28...
26
00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:06,483
- Why would you start so high?
- 27...
27
00:01:06,524 --> 00:01:08,360
- 3, 2, 1...
- 26...
28
00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:09,361
- Ooh.
- Ah.
29
00:01:09,402 --> 00:01:11,196
You didn't decorate it.
30
00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:13,281
- No, exactly.
- We didn't, because we think
31
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:14,449
it would be better
to do it together.
32
00:01:14,491 --> 00:01:15,492
Everyone.
33
00:01:15,533 --> 00:01:17,369
Why would you wrap it
in a sheet
34
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:18,495
if you're not covering
anything up?
35
00:01:18,536 --> 00:01:19,621
- I just said--
- Yeah, you know what?
36
00:01:19,662 --> 00:01:20,622
When you unveil something,
37
00:01:20,663 --> 00:01:21,623
you should really make sure
38
00:01:21,664 --> 00:01:22,749
that it's worth unveiling.
39
00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:23,958
Like, when I unveiled
my new body,
40
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,001
everyone was psyched.
41
00:01:25,043 --> 00:01:25,960
- Okay, here's--
- Um...
42
00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:27,629
Is--is it fake?
43
00:01:27,671 --> 00:01:29,047
- Pam.
- Yes!
44
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:32,133
We are unveiling
an artificial tree.
45
00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:34,052
- That will never die...
- Yes.
46
00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:35,970
Like the spirit
of Christmas.
47
00:01:36,012 --> 00:01:37,263
And we're supposed
to applaud you
48
00:01:37,305 --> 00:01:39,724
for you taking a giant diaper
off a fake tree?
49
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:41,309
This was
a successful unveiling.
50
00:01:41,351 --> 00:01:42,602
Go back to work!
51
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:44,354
Merry Christmas.
52
00:01:44,396 --> 00:01:46,940
{\an8}[cheerful music]
53
00:01:46,981 --> 00:01:54,114
{\an8}♪ ♪
54
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:08,169
Hello. Sorry, guys.
Sorry, guys.
55
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,171
{\an8}I'm not sure
I've earned the right
56
00:02:10,213 --> 00:02:11,589
{\an8}to make announcements yet,
57
00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:13,425
{\an8}but whoever is giving me
the twelve days of Christmas
58
00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,719
{\an8}as my secret Santa,
59
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:17,053
{\an8}please stop.
60
00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:19,097
{\an8}I can't take it anymore.
61
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,558
{\an8}My cat killed
a turtledove.
62
00:02:21,599 --> 00:02:23,852
{\an8}The French hens have started
pulling out my hair
63
00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:24,978
{\an8}to make a nest.
64
00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:27,105
{\an8}Please stop.
65
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:31,276
{\an8}What psycho
would send that as a gift?
66
00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:34,070
{\an8}I begged Dwight and Jim
67
00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:35,822
{\an8}to give me Erin
for secret Santa.
68
00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:38,074
{\an8}And I decided to give Erin
the twelve days of Christmas.
69
00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:39,617
Bowtie time.
[birds honking]
70
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,494
Is it my fault
that the first eight days
71
00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:43,997
there's basically
30 birds?
72
00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,707
Ho, ho, ho!
73
00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:48,043
Merry Christmas, boys and girls.
74
00:02:48,084 --> 00:02:50,462
It's me, Santa Claus.
75
00:02:50,503 --> 00:02:51,963
Hey, Santa.
76
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,549
- They finally let you do it.
- Congrats, Phyl.
77
00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:55,884
It's so edgy.
78
00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:58,219
I have been wanting
to be Santa for years.
79
00:02:58,261 --> 00:03:00,096
{\an8}I believe I have
the right temperament
80
00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:02,223
{\an8}and the figure
to do the job well.
81
00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:04,934
{\an8}I slipped a note to Jim
11 weeks ago,
82
00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:06,436
{\an8}and he said I could do it.
83
00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:08,938
{\an8}[giggles]
84
00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:12,817
{\an8}[tearfully] Oh... it's been
a long journey...
85
00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:17,489
{\an8}but...[sniffles]
I'm Santa Claus!
86
00:03:17,530 --> 00:03:20,784
{\an8}So, Santa, what can we
expect from this party?
87
00:03:20,825 --> 00:03:22,452
{\an8}It's going to be
a very jolly time
88
00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:24,996
{\an8}- if you've been good.
- What if you've been bad?
89
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:27,123
{\an8}Oh, then nothing but
a lump of coal for you.
90
00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:28,792
{\an8}What if you've been
really, really bad?
91
00:03:28,833 --> 00:03:31,294
{\an8}More "evil"
than strictly "wrong."
92
00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:33,838
{\an8}Hey, Creed, we covered it.
Lump of coal.
93
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,048
{\an8}Yeah.
94
00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:36,466
{\an8}For the past several weeks,
95
00:03:36,508 --> 00:03:39,344
{\an8}my secret Santa has been
giving me pieces of a machine
96
00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:40,970
{\an8}that I've been attempting
to assemble.
97
00:03:41,012 --> 00:03:42,263
{\an8}I'm suspicious of this,
98
00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:45,266
{\an8}because I had
the exact same idea
99
00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:47,519
{\an8}for catching Osama bin Laden.
100
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:50,980
{\an8}I would simply send him
a different piece each day.
101
00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:52,607
{\an8}He would assemble it
102
00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:57,195
{\an8}to find himself...
in jail!
103
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,197
{\an8}You know, Oscar, every time
I make this lasagna,
104
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,574
{\an8}people ask me
if it's a family recipe.
105
00:04:01,616 --> 00:04:05,704
{\an8}But really... I just get
the recipe from the box.
106
00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:07,497
{\an8}That's funny.
107
00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:09,666
{\an8}Is it funny?
I thought it was more...
108
00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:12,585
{\an8}interesting than funny.
109
00:04:16,172 --> 00:04:18,675
{\an8}I think my water just broke.
110
00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:22,303
{\an8}- That's too funny.
- Oscar and the warehouse guy.
111
00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:24,723
Go, Oscar!
112
00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:26,474
Go, gay warehouse guy!
113
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:29,686
Here's... Santa!
114
00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:33,148
Hey, little girl, what would
you like for Christmas?
115
00:04:33,189 --> 00:04:36,651
Ooh! You have been
a very naughty girl, I see.
116
00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:39,070
Michael, we already
have a Santa: Phyllis.
117
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:43,074
What the hell is going on?
118
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,618
Phyllis, Jim?
Phyllis is Santa.
119
00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,037
- Yeah.
- Phyllis.
120
00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:48,246
Yeah. I told her a long
time ago she could do it.
121
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:49,914
Take it back.
That is absurd.
122
00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:51,416
- No. I'm not gonna do that.
- No--no!
123
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:52,334
Jim, come on!
124
00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:53,501
I think she'll
do a good job.
125
00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:54,961
Lately, there have been
serious rumors
126
00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:56,379
that our company's going bankrupt,
127
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:58,423
so David Wallace asked me
to keep morale high.
128
00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:00,675
So I asked around
about what people wanted
129
00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:01,926
with Christmas,
130
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,803
and I told them
to get creative.
131
00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:07,724
And they didn't really
get creative, exactly:
132
00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:11,269
uh, secret Santa,
karaoke, food.
133
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:13,480
Kind of the usual thing
that we do here,
134
00:05:13,521 --> 00:05:14,647
which is great.
135
00:05:14,689 --> 00:05:16,441
And people usually argue
about food,
136
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:18,777
so I told everybody
to bring their favorites.
137
00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:21,321
I made an organized
sign-up sheet for karaoke
138
00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:23,656
so that there was
no fighting...
139
00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:25,283
and no crying.
140
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,243
I'm doing a good job,
I think,
141
00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:32,832
because this year, I care.
142
00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:36,878
It's weird.
I know.
143
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,797
It's insane!
A woman Santa?
144
00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:40,507
Where does it stop?
No!
145
00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:43,301
Jim, this may be the last
Christmas that we have here.
146
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:46,137
Doesn't it make you
a tiny bit anxious
147
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,640
me not playing Santa?
Come on!
148
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:51,309
I'm not gonna go tell Phyllis
that she can't be Santa.
149
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,311
Fine.
Then do it anonymously.
150
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,188
Ransom note style.
You can...
151
00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:56,815
you know what?
152
00:05:56,856 --> 00:05:58,983
I have a bunch of letters cut
out of magazines in my desk.
153
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:00,151
You can use those.
154
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:04,280
My Christmas card is hilarious.
155
00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:07,283
"I kidnapped Rudolph,
and I'm going to kill him
156
00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:10,328
unless I get peace on Earth
by Christmas Day."
157
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,789
All right, well, I'm going
down to the warehouse
158
00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:14,207
to hand out the checks.
159
00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:16,376
Ugh, it's always so cold
down there.
160
00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:19,254
Yeah, you know what?
Let me do that for you.
161
00:06:19,295 --> 00:06:21,589
The head accountant
hands out checks, Oscar.
162
00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:23,216
- What are you trying to do?
- Nothing.
163
00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:26,094
[laughs] You're swamped,
164
00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:27,929
- and it's freezing down there.
- Yeah.
165
00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:29,305
And you're so petite.
166
00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:30,890
- I am.
- I insist.
167
00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:32,434
- It's...
- Okay.
168
00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:37,564
Name?
169
00:06:37,605 --> 00:06:39,399
Kelly.
170
00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,568
And what would you like
for Christmas?
171
00:06:41,609 --> 00:06:42,861
I would like
the photographer,
172
00:06:42,902 --> 00:06:44,195
please, Santa.
173
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,489
- Eh?
- We'll talk.
174
00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:49,659
So far, people really seem
to like the party this year.
175
00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:52,871
We took some chances,
and it's working out.
176
00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:56,499
Ho, ho, ho!
Ho, ho, ho.
177
00:06:56,541 --> 00:07:02,088
Why pay more to sit next
to old Claus over there
178
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:04,924
when you can sit on my lap
for free?
179
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:07,302
Right on my lap.
Classic Claus.
180
00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:08,678
Phyllis doesn't charge.
181
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:09,846
Well, no Matter.
182
00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:13,058
Phyllis is only pretending
to be a man.
183
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:14,726
I'm the real thing.
184
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:17,437
Sit down on my lap,
and there will be no doubt.
185
00:07:17,479 --> 00:07:18,271
Okay.
186
00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:19,522
No, it's not--
187
00:07:19,564 --> 00:07:21,066
it's not, like, penis-wise.
188
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:22,650
If this were Russia, yeah,
189
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:24,277
sure, everybody
would go to one Santa.
190
00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:25,862
And there would be
a line around the block,
191
00:07:25,904 --> 00:07:27,364
and once you sat on her lap
192
00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:29,282
and she asked you
what you wanted,
193
00:07:29,324 --> 00:07:31,284
you would say,
probably, "freedom"...
194
00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:33,119
at which point the KGB
would arrest you
195
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:34,788
and send you to Siberia.
196
00:07:34,829 --> 00:07:37,749
It's a good thing Russia
doesn't exist anymore.
197
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:40,418
Hello, little boy!
What's your name?
198
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,587
Michael, it's me, Kevin.
199
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,839
Phyllis says
I'm too big for her lap.
200
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:49,010
Oh, I am so sorry
that Phyllis hates you
201
00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:51,054
and hates your body.
202
00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:53,765
But Santa
remembers a reindeer
203
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,935
that was just a tiny bit
different as well.
204
00:07:56,976 --> 00:07:59,270
- When can I sit on your lap?
- Right now!
205
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:02,607
Come on over here, big boy!
206
00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:03,483
There we go!
207
00:08:03,525 --> 00:08:05,485
[quietly] Oh, my god.
208
00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:06,403
[grunts]
209
00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:08,279
It's really comfortable.
210
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:10,407
[gasping]
211
00:08:10,448 --> 00:08:13,201
[strained] What would you
like for Christmas, little boy?
212
00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:15,245
[panting]
213
00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:16,621
I don't know.
214
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,623
I-I didn't know
you were gonna ask me that.
215
00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:21,126
Well, what did you think
was going to happen?
216
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:22,627
I didn't know.
217
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:25,547
Nobody's ever let me sit
on their lap before.
218
00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:28,049
[wheezily] All right,
just say some toys, please.
219
00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:29,801
Can you give me
some choices?
220
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,137
'Cause I really don't wanna
mess up on this list.
221
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:34,139
[quietly] Damn it, Kevin.
Come on.
222
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:37,976
What about if I tell you
the things I don't want?
223
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:38,977
Okay--get off!
Get off!
224
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,186
Off!
225
00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:42,772
[groans]
Oh, jee--god!
226
00:08:42,814 --> 00:08:44,983
I didn't even get to tell you
what I wanted.
227
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:46,651
Okay, you know what
you get?
228
00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:48,653
You get a thousand
helium balloons attached to you
229
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,572
so Santa doesn't have
to go through this again.
230
00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:52,323
- [moaning] Oh!
- Awesome.
231
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:53,825
[moaning] Put to sleep.
232
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,660
Oh, God.
233
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,662
My whole leg.
234
00:08:57,704 --> 00:09:00,123
Oh, God. Oh.
235
00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:03,710
Oh, God. [panting]
236
00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,800
All right, that's better.
Who's next?
237
00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:13,094
- Well?
- I'm trying, Phyllis.
238
00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:15,013
- You're Santa.
- The only Santa.
239
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,014
That's what I want.
240
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,098
You promised me this.
241
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,517
Don't make me get Bob involved.
242
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,519
- What would Bob do?
- Never mind.
243
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:22,729
I shouldn't have said that.
244
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:25,982
Check it out.
245
00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,776
In fourth grade,
Bronwyn Reinhart
246
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:30,028
stabbed me with a pencil,
scarred me for life.
247
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,696
Oh.
Oh.
248
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,531
Oh, yeah, I see it.
[laughs]
249
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,200
Yeah, so I know
how it feels.
250
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,451
Does it hurt?
251
00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:40,205
- It stings a lot.
- Ehh.
252
00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:43,208
I keep trying to figure out
who's sending me these gifts.
253
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:44,417
I know, right?
254
00:09:44,459 --> 00:09:46,711
So far,
no one will admit to it.
255
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,588
Is it you?
256
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:53,301
[laughs] Yeah!
257
00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:55,053
[both chuckling]
258
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,597
Totally.
I admit it.
259
00:09:57,639 --> 00:09:59,307
- It's me.
- Oh. Seriously?
260
00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:01,059
Seriously?
261
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,520
- [chuckling] Are you serious?
- Is--what--is it you?
262
00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:04,979
- Yeah...
- When you're--
263
00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:06,898
- I don't--are you...
- Oh, no, no, no.
264
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,149
- Are you asking...
- I was saying, are you?
265
00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:09,359
- I don't...
- Is it you?
266
00:10:09,401 --> 00:10:10,694
- Is it--isn't...
- No.
267
00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:13,071
Yeah.
Totally serious.
268
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,572
I'm your secret Santa.
269
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,991
- Busted!
- [laughing]
270
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,243
Andy's cool.
271
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:20,412
He's, like, my favorite person
in the office.
272
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,247
My least favorite person
is whoever's sending me
273
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:24,958
these horrible Christmas gifts.
274
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,460
Do you know who it is?
275
00:10:27,502 --> 00:10:29,587
Do you guys know?
I won't tell.
276
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,798
I just, like, want them
to stop.
277
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,426
- There he is.
- Hey, man.
278
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,636
Hey, is Matt around?
I've got his check.
279
00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:38,596
Uh, Matt is on a delivery.
280
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,640
Just leave it here.
I'll take it.
281
00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:43,935
Ah. I'll just...
[laughs] Wait for him.
282
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,812
You gonna wait?
283
00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:47,147
You gonna wait to give
a guy you don't know
284
00:10:47,188 --> 00:10:48,273
his check?
285
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:49,566
Spirit of Christmas.
286
00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:52,235
Right, Christmas.
287
00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:54,446
Matt's a pretty good-lookin'
dude, don't you think?
288
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,531
I'll just leave it
here with ya.
289
00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:58,324
All right, thank you.
290
00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:01,745
Matt's not really my type.
291
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:06,374
He's too young
and way too good-looking.
292
00:11:06,416 --> 00:11:10,170
He's really good-looking.
293
00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:11,421
What?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
294
00:11:11,463 --> 00:11:12,797
- Come here!
- I'm doing something here.
295
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:15,884
Come on! Ah...
ho, ho, ho!
296
00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:17,635
Come on, I need this.
Come over here!
297
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,429
- What are you talking--
- Just sit down.
298
00:11:19,471 --> 00:11:20,930
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
- Is everything okay?
299
00:11:20,972 --> 00:11:22,807
Yep. Yeah. Ryan and I
are just having some fun.
300
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:24,559
Can I just talk to you
for a second?
301
00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:26,269
Whoop!
Okay, what?
302
00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:28,813
You can't yell out,
"I need this, I need this,"
303
00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:30,482
as you pin down an employee
on your lap.
304
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,859
Okay. You know what, Jim?
305
00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:35,320
With two Santas in the room,
things get ruthless.
306
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:36,821
- Yeah.
- Do you understand?
307
00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,239
- You forced my hand.
- Okay. Michael, it's Phyllis.
308
00:11:38,281 --> 00:11:41,159
- We want Phyllis as Santa.
- Oh, do we? Do we?
309
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,745
Is that what we want?
Why don't we take a vote on it?
310
00:11:43,787 --> 00:11:46,498
- Great.
- Hey! Okay, everybody.
311
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,916
The office
is being pulled apart.
312
00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:49,292
I realize that.
313
00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:52,671
There are traditions
at stake.
314
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:53,880
- And there are women--
- Who wants Phyllis as Santa?
315
00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:54,839
No, no, no!
316
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:57,008
Wait! No!
There are other choices.
317
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,344
There's information that we--
are you kidding me, Kevin?
318
00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:01,513
After you almost killed me?
319
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:04,849
Michael, I had you.
I just wanna try Phyllis.
320
00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:09,896
And if you want Michael
as Santa, raise your hand.
321
00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:11,398
- Can I get you some punch?
- I--no.
322
00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:12,482
- I'll get some punch.
- Okay.
323
00:12:12,524 --> 00:12:14,734
That was delicious.
324
00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:16,736
- Oh!
- Michael!
325
00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:22,826
Excuse me.
326
00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:24,285
Whoever has been sending me
the parts to this gun,
327
00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:27,539
I think you sent me a gear
instead of a trigger.
328
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,082
How do you know
it's a gun?
329
00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:32,377
What else
does it look like?
330
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,170
Not a gun.
331
00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:36,089
Well, I don't have
all the pieces yet.
332
00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:38,842
Well, unless the missing
pieces is a gun,
333
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:41,136
you don't have a gun.
334
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,137
[thud]
335
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,638
Not a gun.
336
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:47,100
Speculum.
337
00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:51,896
Nope.
338
00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:56,317
In the north pole,
I spend many nights alone
339
00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:58,319
tinkering with toys.
340
00:12:58,361 --> 00:13:01,489
So today,
let's put a twinkle
341
00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:04,576
in old Kris Kringle's eye.
342
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,995
Let the party begin!
343
00:13:07,037 --> 00:13:09,539
Whoa!
344
00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:10,790
Yay!
345
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,336
I don't ask for much
from Christmas.
346
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:15,837
I really don't.
347
00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:18,214
It's not like I am begging
people to...
348
00:13:18,256 --> 00:13:21,051
buy me diamonds and...
349
00:13:21,092 --> 00:13:23,845
brooch pendants.
350
00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:25,764
Oh, buy me something expensive,
351
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,390
or I'm gonna kill myself.
352
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:28,767
That's not...
353
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,435
I don't care about that!
354
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:32,228
All I wanna be is Santa.
355
00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:36,358
And... you want to take
that away from me, fine.
356
00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:38,193
Go ahead.
357
00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:39,819
But when you need my help
358
00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:41,279
because I am ruining everything,
359
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:42,739
don't look at me!
360
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:49,204
Behold...
361
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:51,206
Jesus Christ.
362
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:52,916
And I bring to you...
363
00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:54,876
glad Christmas tidings.
364
00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:56,628
I want to remind everyone
365
00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:59,464
the true meaning
of Christmas.
366
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:01,299
Those of you
who wish to join me,
367
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,927
that's great,
I am excited by that.
368
00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:06,888
And those of you who don't,
I forgive you.
369
00:14:06,930 --> 00:14:09,057
- But I never forget.
- Oh, wow, Michael.
370
00:14:09,099 --> 00:14:11,810
Like, this must be obvious
how wrong this is.
371
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,728
Oh... the Antichrist.
372
00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:14,896
- Okay, you can't--
- Sss!
373
00:14:14,938 --> 00:14:16,898
Ow! Look--
you cannot push religion.
374
00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:18,692
Oh, but I can push drugs
in here.
375
00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:19,901
- Is that what you're saying?
- No! You--
376
00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:21,736
Well, you have to pick
one or the other.
377
00:14:21,778 --> 00:14:23,697
Your choice.
Pick your poison.
378
00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:25,115
Get back to me.
In the meantime...
379
00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:27,450
I am going to spread
my goodness
380
00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:30,161
all over this company!
381
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,455
Hello, workers,
382
00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:35,625
salt of the earth!
383
00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:39,421
Listen to what I am saying
unto you.
384
00:14:39,462 --> 00:14:43,258
I am Jesus.
385
00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:46,553
Okay, I need everyone
to stop what you're doing
386
00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:48,638
and watch this.
387
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,306
Thank you, Darryl.
388
00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:51,766
Thank you, my son.
389
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:55,687
Everyone, I have heard
your cries for rest,
390
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,439
and I am inviting you up
391
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,232
to our Christmas party,
392
00:14:59,274 --> 00:15:02,193
where you can eat
and drink and have fun.
393
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:03,903
Hell, yeah.
394
00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:06,281
Let's go, y'all.
Thanks, Mike.
395
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:12,579
[imitates choral note]
396
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:15,498
Everyone, everyone,
397
00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:18,668
please welcome
our friends from the warehouse.
398
00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:22,255
I command thee to mingle
and make merriment.
399
00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:26,176
Libations and food.
Please, enjoy.
400
00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:28,636
Enjoy.
401
00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:30,096
That was very nice of you.
402
00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:31,806
Yes, actually nicer
than Santa.
403
00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:33,141
Jesus doesn't judge.
404
00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:35,643
The only problem is,
we only have food for us.
405
00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:37,312
So would've loved
a heads-up on this.
406
00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:39,147
Well, would've loved
to have been
407
00:15:39,189 --> 00:15:40,440
the central gift-giving figure,
408
00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:42,067
but I guess neither of us
is getting what we want,
409
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:43,485
right?
410
00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:44,778
[sighs]
411
00:15:44,819 --> 00:15:46,654
Look, I can barely pretend
412
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:48,156
to like the people up here.
413
00:15:48,198 --> 00:15:51,659
What am I supposed to say
to Artie?
414
00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:53,661
Hey, Phyllis?
415
00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:57,332
Could you not reveal to Erin
that I'm her secret Santa?
416
00:15:57,374 --> 00:15:59,501
All right, sweetie, I'll just
tell her it's Michael.
417
00:15:59,542 --> 00:16:01,127
Okay.
418
00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:05,006
Santa, if you were a woman,
I'd kiss you.
419
00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:10,387
Are either of you guys
friends with,
420
00:16:10,428 --> 00:16:14,182
or ever hang out with,
any cleaning ladies?
421
00:16:14,224 --> 00:16:17,686
Um, I have to find a new one
'cause mine died.
422
00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:19,437
First training session
is free.
423
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:20,814
I'll show you the ropes
424
00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:22,941
and get you on track
with the nutrition side.
425
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:25,318
My goal is to look like you,
426
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,737
like a big, white you.
427
00:16:27,779 --> 00:16:30,699
How do I feel
about the warehouse guys
428
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:32,450
showing up
at our Christmas party?
429
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,911
Well, I could tell you,
430
00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:38,289
or I could show you.
431
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,083
This is how I feel.
432
00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:48,383
Together:
♪ I saw three ships ♪
433
00:16:48,425 --> 00:16:50,427
- ♪ Come sailing in *
- Have you talked to him?
434
00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:51,553
What...
435
00:16:51,594 --> 00:16:53,763
Matt.
436
00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:55,473
Is it that obvious?
437
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,392
[mumbles indistinctly]
438
00:16:57,434 --> 00:16:59,436
Oh... hey.
439
00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:02,731
Mm. Good pate, right?
440
00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:04,941
Oscar made it.
441
00:17:04,983 --> 00:17:06,943
- Have you met Oscar?
- I don't think so.
442
00:17:06,985 --> 00:17:08,361
Hey, Oscar, come here.
443
00:17:08,403 --> 00:17:10,864
[singing continues
in background]
444
00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:13,491
* On Christmas day
in the morning ♪
445
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,160
Oscar, this is Matt,
446
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:18,246
and, um, Matt loves
your pate.
447
00:17:18,288 --> 00:17:19,789
I had some.
448
00:17:19,831 --> 00:17:22,375
Oscar's pate's great.
449
00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:24,711
I could eat it all day,
every day.
450
00:17:24,753 --> 00:17:27,547
Mm.
451
00:17:27,589 --> 00:17:30,175
How come the good ones
are never straight, right?
452
00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,471
Oscar likes biking
453
00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:38,099
and, um, classical movies,
454
00:17:38,141 --> 00:17:40,352
- French films mostly, right?
- Mm...
455
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,187
- Mm.
- Yeah?
456
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:43,313
Okay.
457
00:17:43,355 --> 00:17:45,690
That's all I'm gonna say.
Classical music.
458
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:48,068
And new music.
459
00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:49,986
- Radiohead. [laughs]
- [chuckles]
460
00:17:50,028 --> 00:17:53,114
I like Radiohead.
461
00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:55,450
We should all go
to a concert together.
462
00:17:55,492 --> 00:17:57,285
Are we still doing that thing
where we take
463
00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:58,953
new people to the office
to a concert?
464
00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:01,539
- Okay, Pam.
- Okay.
465
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:02,999
Oh, look, pigs in a blanket.
466
00:18:05,669 --> 00:18:08,213
So, uh, Victor, is it?
467
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:12,467
Yeah, Victor.
468
00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:15,136
- Nice meeting you.
- Nice to meet you.
469
00:18:15,178 --> 00:18:18,264
Yes. They're the only
two gay guys I know.
470
00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:20,642
But they should be together.
471
00:18:20,684 --> 00:18:23,520
So, guys, this is
more like finger food.
472
00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:26,189
Uh-oh, a lasagna!
Look out, Garfield!
473
00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:28,066
- [laughs]
- Uh-oh.
474
00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:29,776
- What does that mean?
- Oh, they call me Garfield.
475
00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:32,821
I've never seen a lasagna
and not eaten the whole pan.
476
00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:34,072
Oh, I wish you wouldn't.
477
00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:35,990
Oh, well,
I can't help myself.
478
00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:37,784
Can you imagine
what it's like for me,
479
00:18:37,826 --> 00:18:39,661
that it has that power over me?
480
00:18:39,703 --> 00:18:41,329
I gotta have some.
481
00:18:41,371 --> 00:18:43,790
Sorry, guys.
Everybody get some?
482
00:18:43,832 --> 00:18:45,542
I got mine.
483
00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:47,919
All right, I just got
out of the restroom,
484
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:49,004
and it stinks.
485
00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:50,255
The warehouse needs to go.
486
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:51,715
Okay, wait, how do you know
487
00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:52,716
it's someone from the warehouse
488
00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:54,175
who stunk up the bathroom?
489
00:18:54,217 --> 00:18:56,344
They stink up the bathroom
with their smelly poos
490
00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:58,179
because they don't eat
as quality food as us
491
00:18:58,221 --> 00:19:00,098
'cause they're poor.
It's science.
492
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:03,018
That is so offensive...
and thought out.
493
00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:05,186
[sighs] Maybe, if we just
took some time
494
00:19:05,228 --> 00:19:06,312
to try to get to know them,
495
00:19:06,354 --> 00:19:07,397
rather than
constantly complaining--
496
00:19:07,439 --> 00:19:09,065
warehouse: Garfield!
Garfield!
497
00:19:09,107 --> 00:19:11,568
Garfield!
Garfield!
498
00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:13,153
- [chanting continues]
- Do it, girl!
499
00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:15,905
That woman is a beast.
500
00:19:18,742 --> 00:19:21,119
[cheering]
501
00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:23,538
I am so very glad
502
00:19:23,580 --> 00:19:27,000
that you joined us here
on this festive occasion.
503
00:19:27,042 --> 00:19:28,376
You look like Gandalf.
504
00:19:28,418 --> 00:19:29,502
No, I'm Jesus,
505
00:19:29,544 --> 00:19:31,379
and we're celebrating
my birthday.
506
00:19:31,421 --> 00:19:33,131
Seriously, though, Mike,
you should take that off.
507
00:19:33,173 --> 00:19:35,216
Man, it's offensive,
even to me.
508
00:19:42,265 --> 00:19:43,850
Merry Christmas, Creed.
509
00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:46,102
Thanks, Santa.
I love it.
510
00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:48,605
And he doesn't even know
what it is,
511
00:19:48,646 --> 00:19:50,190
and it's probably terrible,
512
00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:52,650
so save the receipt.
Get the receipt, Creed.
513
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:53,860
This just arrived
514
00:19:53,902 --> 00:19:55,612
from the Dunder-Mifflin
north pole branch.
515
00:19:55,653 --> 00:19:57,447
We don't have
a north pole branch.
516
00:19:57,489 --> 00:19:58,907
Idiot!
517
00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:01,534
[sarcastic singsong]
Uh-oh, what's Dwight gonna get?
518
00:20:01,576 --> 00:20:03,745
What is it?
519
00:20:03,787 --> 00:20:05,121
Yes!
520
00:20:05,163 --> 00:20:07,290
Oh, yes.
It's space garbage.
521
00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:10,043
Dwight's gonna be able
to build himself a friend.
522
00:20:10,085 --> 00:20:12,837
♪ Deck the halls
with crappy...♪
523
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:14,506
And Stanley, ho, ho, ho!
524
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:16,424
You've been very good
this year.
525
00:20:16,466 --> 00:20:17,634
I have.
526
00:20:17,676 --> 00:20:19,803
Yeah, except for
cheating on your wife.
527
00:20:19,844 --> 00:20:21,137
Adultery's a sin.
528
00:20:21,179 --> 00:20:22,681
Look it up
in the Bible, people.
529
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:25,266
- What'd he get?
- He got scented candles.
530
00:20:25,308 --> 00:20:27,102
Oh.
Well, that's appropriate.
531
00:20:27,143 --> 00:20:28,770
A lotta fire
where you're going.
532
00:20:28,812 --> 00:20:30,438
Better get used to it.
533
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,108
You're going to h-e-l-l,
double hockey sticks.
534
00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:35,735
- Goin' to hell, Stanley.
- Amen.
535
00:20:35,777 --> 00:20:39,030
And this brings us
to you, little one.
536
00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:40,573
I can't see from here, people.
537
00:20:40,615 --> 00:20:43,118
Somebody shout it out.
Don't make me get up.
538
00:20:43,159 --> 00:20:47,288
It's fabric.
I really wanted this.
539
00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:48,707
That's fantastic!
540
00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:51,126
You can make another dress
that goes past your feet.
541
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:53,628
- Andy, was this you?
- It's a secret.
542
00:20:53,670 --> 00:20:55,338
No, Andy had... Erin.
543
00:20:55,380 --> 00:20:56,965
- That--
- Michael!
544
00:20:57,007 --> 00:20:58,299
You--
545
00:20:58,341 --> 00:20:59,968
What, was I not
supposed to say?
546
00:21:00,010 --> 00:21:01,511
[click]
What--turn it back on.
547
00:21:01,553 --> 00:21:04,014
No.
548
00:21:11,688 --> 00:21:12,939
Yes, Michael.
What is so urgent?
549
00:21:12,981 --> 00:21:15,442
David, guess who I am
sitting here dressed as.
550
00:21:15,483 --> 00:21:16,693
I'm not going to guess.
551
00:21:16,735 --> 00:21:18,194
You can tell me,
or I will hang up.
552
00:21:18,236 --> 00:21:21,281
I will give you a hint.
His last name is Christ.
553
00:21:21,322 --> 00:21:23,783
He has the power of flight.
554
00:21:23,825 --> 00:21:24,909
He can heal leopards.
555
00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:26,703
- Michael--
- I am Jesus, David.
556
00:21:26,745 --> 00:21:29,873
And you know why?
Because Phyllis, a woman,
557
00:21:29,914 --> 00:21:32,208
has "uslurped"
my role as Santa.
558
00:21:32,250 --> 00:21:35,128
Michael, this is
a very, very bad time.
559
00:21:35,170 --> 00:21:37,047
Really?
560
00:21:37,088 --> 00:21:39,215
What's going on?
561
00:21:39,257 --> 00:21:41,301
Stephanie, can you hop off,
please?
562
00:21:41,343 --> 00:21:43,470
- Sure, David.
- What the hell?
563
00:21:43,511 --> 00:21:46,389
How rude!
Does she do that all the time?
564
00:21:46,431 --> 00:21:47,932
Do you want me off
this call too, Michael?
565
00:21:47,974 --> 00:21:50,226
Hey--what?
Get off!
566
00:21:50,268 --> 00:21:52,520
Get off the phone!
567
00:21:52,562 --> 00:21:54,773
[David sighs]
Listen...
568
00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:57,233
I shouldn't tell you this,
but the company has a buyer.
569
00:21:57,275 --> 00:21:59,694
The board will have no choice
but to approve,
570
00:21:59,736 --> 00:22:01,696
and they are going
to clean house.
571
00:22:01,738 --> 00:22:03,615
What does that mean?
572
00:22:03,656 --> 00:22:04,991
I'll be fired.
573
00:22:05,033 --> 00:22:07,786
Well... can't Alan
protect you?
574
00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:09,662
Alan will be out too.
All of us.
575
00:22:11,831 --> 00:22:14,501
[quietly] All of us?
576
00:22:14,542 --> 00:22:17,754
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
577
00:22:17,796 --> 00:22:19,798
I'm sorry
you can't be Santa
578
00:22:19,839 --> 00:22:22,384
I do have to go.
Good-bye, Michael.
579
00:22:26,137 --> 00:22:27,806
Earlier today,
this office needed a Santa.
580
00:22:27,847 --> 00:22:30,934
And then it needed
a second Santa.
581
00:22:30,975 --> 00:22:34,229
And then it needed a Jesus.
582
00:22:34,270 --> 00:22:38,692
Now, it needs
a Michael.
583
00:22:40,443 --> 00:22:43,446
And that's one suit
Phyllis cannot fit into.
584
00:22:43,488 --> 00:22:46,491
- [low conversations]
- Hey...
585
00:22:46,533 --> 00:22:48,159
how's everybody doing?
586
00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:49,661
Not great.
587
00:22:49,703 --> 00:22:51,496
You heckled Santa
for an hour and a half.
588
00:22:51,538 --> 00:22:53,123
That was a different guy.
That was Jesus.
589
00:22:53,164 --> 00:22:55,417
Jesus sort of ruined
the party.
590
00:22:55,458 --> 00:22:57,293
Hurt, petulant Jesus.
591
00:22:57,335 --> 00:23:00,839
Are you serious?
That is so offensive.
592
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:02,757
You know what's
even more offensive...
593
00:23:02,799 --> 00:23:06,261
is bailing on this party
because some...
594
00:23:06,302 --> 00:23:09,556
jerk ruined
the first part of it.
595
00:23:09,597 --> 00:23:12,684
Dwight, come here.
Here's my debit card.
596
00:23:12,726 --> 00:23:14,269
I want you to go pick up
a bunch of pizzas
597
00:23:14,310 --> 00:23:15,770
and meet me
in the conference room.
598
00:23:15,812 --> 00:23:18,773
- What's your PIN number?
- I...don't want to say.
599
00:23:18,815 --> 00:23:20,942
But it's fun to stay
at the...
600
00:23:23,194 --> 00:23:25,071
♪ it's fun to stay at the ♪
601
00:23:25,113 --> 00:23:27,157
Where?
Holiday Inn.
602
00:23:27,198 --> 00:23:28,324
I don't--
603
00:23:28,366 --> 00:23:30,827
[humming]
604
00:23:33,955 --> 00:23:36,750
I-I thought that
you would like it.
605
00:23:36,791 --> 00:23:38,501
It was a little much, Andy.
606
00:23:38,543 --> 00:23:40,795
Well, it's the thought
that counts.
607
00:23:41,588 --> 00:23:44,758
What... were you thinking?
608
00:23:45,133 --> 00:23:48,428
I suppose a gentleman
might throw in the towel
609
00:23:48,470 --> 00:23:51,264
at this point.
610
00:23:51,306 --> 00:23:53,683
Guess what.
Not gonna happen.
611
00:23:53,725 --> 00:23:54,893
You know what,
612
00:23:54,934 --> 00:23:58,021
Christmas isn't
about Santa or Jesus.
613
00:23:58,063 --> 00:23:59,439
It's about the workplace.
614
00:23:59,481 --> 00:24:01,066
The exact opposite
of what you just said is true.
615
00:24:01,107 --> 00:24:04,944
See, that's exactly something
that Jim would say,
616
00:24:04,986 --> 00:24:06,237
and I love him for it.
617
00:24:06,279 --> 00:24:08,406
Cool.
Can I have a slice of pizza?
618
00:24:08,448 --> 00:24:10,408
Yes, you can, Kevin,
and I will tell you how.
619
00:24:10,450 --> 00:24:11,409
I thought it would be
kind of fun
620
00:24:11,451 --> 00:24:12,535
if we all came up here
621
00:24:12,577 --> 00:24:14,079
and we took turns
622
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:17,082
pretending that we have
a terminal illness,
623
00:24:17,123 --> 00:24:19,918
and then we can tell each other
exactly how we feel
624
00:24:19,959 --> 00:24:21,419
about one another
625
00:24:21,461 --> 00:24:24,005
because we are
on our deathbeds.
626
00:24:24,047 --> 00:24:25,090
Ah, that sounds amazing.
627
00:24:25,131 --> 00:24:26,257
Maybe we could choose
a better time
628
00:24:26,299 --> 00:24:27,425
than our Christmas party
for this, though.
629
00:24:27,467 --> 00:24:29,094
- Well...
- You know what? I'll go.
630
00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:30,637
Okay.
631
00:24:30,679 --> 00:24:32,263
Dwight, Dwight, why don't you--
yeah, start us off.
632
00:24:32,305 --> 00:24:33,598
Attention,
ladies and gentlemen.
633
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:35,392
I have been diagnosed
with hemorrhagic fever.
634
00:24:35,433 --> 00:24:38,770
I will be dead within 24 hours.
635
00:24:38,812 --> 00:24:42,190
Pretty soon, you will see blood
erupt from my eyes
636
00:24:42,232 --> 00:24:45,193
- and mouth, nose and anus...
- Hey, what are you doing?
637
00:24:45,235 --> 00:24:46,444
- I'm winning.
- Come on.
638
00:24:46,486 --> 00:24:47,737
Soon, all
of my internal organs
639
00:24:47,779 --> 00:24:50,115
will liquefy, and I will choke
640
00:24:50,156 --> 00:24:52,742
on a black, bile-filled blood.
641
00:24:52,784 --> 00:24:55,245
That's not--
okay, Dwight,
642
00:24:55,286 --> 00:24:56,871
the point is to not talk
643
00:24:56,913 --> 00:24:58,540
about the disease
we're dying of.
644
00:24:58,581 --> 00:24:59,708
The point is to tell each other
645
00:24:59,749 --> 00:25:01,793
how we really feel
about each other.
646
00:25:01,835 --> 00:25:03,420
Oh, I think I understand.
Can I try?
647
00:25:03,461 --> 00:25:05,922
Yeah, please, Kelly.
648
00:25:05,964 --> 00:25:08,800
I was on a boat
with a lot of my friends.
649
00:25:08,842 --> 00:25:10,802
So many of the men
wanted to sleep with me
650
00:25:10,844 --> 00:25:13,388
I had too much to drink,
someone pushed me overboard,
651
00:25:13,430 --> 00:25:15,724
and I drowned when I was
at my most beautiful.
652
00:25:15,765 --> 00:25:16,933
Four slices
of pepperoni, please.
653
00:25:16,975 --> 00:25:19,185
Sit down.
That's not even a disease.
654
00:25:19,227 --> 00:25:21,146
Okay, I'll do it.
655
00:25:21,187 --> 00:25:22,647
I fell out of a helicopter.
656
00:25:22,689 --> 00:25:24,441
Done.
That part is done.
657
00:25:24,482 --> 00:25:25,984
The thing I will miss most
658
00:25:26,026 --> 00:25:27,986
about all of you
659
00:25:28,028 --> 00:25:30,697
is that this office
feels like my living room,
660
00:25:30,739 --> 00:25:35,368
and all of you...
feel like my family.
661
00:25:35,410 --> 00:25:37,829
Ryan, you are my son,
662
00:25:37,871 --> 00:25:39,289
and...
663
00:25:39,330 --> 00:25:42,584
Pam, you're my wife,
and Jim...
664
00:25:42,625 --> 00:25:46,379
and Angela and Phyllis,
you are my... grandmas.
665
00:25:46,421 --> 00:25:48,798
And Oscar,
666
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:53,011
you just moved in next door
667
00:25:53,053 --> 00:25:55,555
because of urban renewal.
668
00:25:55,597 --> 00:25:59,601
And Stanley,
you're... our mailman.
669
00:25:59,642 --> 00:26:00,852
And I can't help but look
670
00:26:00,894 --> 00:26:02,854
at all your wonderful,
beautiful faces
671
00:26:02,896 --> 00:26:04,647
and think, "how could they
do this to us?"
672
00:26:04,689 --> 00:26:06,649
- How could who do what to us?
- [overlapping questions]
673
00:26:06,691 --> 00:26:08,401
- That's--not--nothing--
- Why--
674
00:26:08,443 --> 00:26:09,736
- It's just...
- We deserve to know.
675
00:26:09,778 --> 00:26:11,696
[overlapping comments]
676
00:26:11,738 --> 00:26:13,365
- We're going out of business!
- What?
677
00:26:13,406 --> 00:26:14,699
- What?
- You are kidding me.
678
00:26:14,741 --> 00:26:16,326
Wait, wait, wait.
Who said that?
679
00:26:16,368 --> 00:26:19,329
- David told me on the phone.
- When did he tell you, today?
680
00:26:19,371 --> 00:26:20,997
- Earlier today, he said...
- Oh!
681
00:26:21,039 --> 00:26:24,042
We have been sold.
All: what?
682
00:26:24,084 --> 00:26:26,544
- Aah!
- Dwight!
683
00:26:26,586 --> 00:26:29,381
- Come on!
- Michael, wait.
684
00:26:29,422 --> 00:26:30,882
So they said we are sold.
685
00:26:30,924 --> 00:26:33,051
David is gone, Alan is gone.
We're all gone.
686
00:26:33,093 --> 00:26:34,761
Okay, but we haven't
gone under.
687
00:26:34,803 --> 00:26:36,513
We've been sold, and that can
mean many different things.
688
00:26:36,554 --> 00:26:38,848
It's hard for me
to imagine a scenario
689
00:26:38,890 --> 00:26:40,684
where Meredith Palmer
keeps her job,
690
00:26:40,725 --> 00:26:42,102
and David Wallace does not--
no offense, Meredith.
691
00:26:42,143 --> 00:26:43,311
No, I get it.
692
00:26:43,353 --> 00:26:44,688
Did he say anything
about the warehouse?
693
00:26:44,729 --> 00:26:46,690
No, but he's always held
you guys in high regard.
694
00:26:46,731 --> 00:26:49,317
You two are the worst bosses!
695
00:26:49,359 --> 00:26:51,152
You are!
You never know anything!
696
00:26:51,194 --> 00:26:52,904
It's like the blind
leading the blind.
697
00:26:52,946 --> 00:26:54,197
- Guess, guess, guess.
- Relax.
698
00:26:54,239 --> 00:26:55,865
Okay, I can still fire you.
699
00:26:55,907 --> 00:26:57,075
We better get
some answers soon,
700
00:26:57,117 --> 00:26:58,451
or it's gonna get
real litigious up in here.
701
00:26:58,493 --> 00:26:59,744
What are--
like, you're gonna sue?
702
00:26:59,786 --> 00:27:01,329
Who are you gonna sue?
For what?
703
00:27:01,371 --> 00:27:03,331
You have no idea. The law
protects the plaintiffs.
704
00:27:03,373 --> 00:27:04,749
I'll call him.
I'll call David.
705
00:27:04,791 --> 00:27:06,543
No, you won't, because
he's not picking up his phone.
706
00:27:06,584 --> 00:27:11,423
Yes, I will, because I always
know how to get through to him.
707
00:27:11,464 --> 00:27:13,550
He told me where
his kids go to school.
708
00:27:13,591 --> 00:27:14,759
I call the school.
709
00:27:14,801 --> 00:27:16,136
I tell them
I'm the pediatrician.
710
00:27:16,177 --> 00:27:18,221
They patch me through
to his secretary.
711
00:27:18,263 --> 00:27:22,017
I use my little girl voice.
Badda-bing, badda-boom.
712
00:27:22,058 --> 00:27:24,019
- Hey, sweetie, what is it?
- It's not sweetie.
713
00:27:24,060 --> 00:27:26,479
- It's Michael Scott.
- What the hell--
714
00:27:26,521 --> 00:27:27,939
Stephanie, could you
hop off, please?
715
00:27:27,981 --> 00:27:29,441
Michael--[huffs]
I have never--
716
00:27:29,482 --> 00:27:30,775
- David--
- Never, ever--
717
00:27:30,817 --> 00:27:32,110
David, you are on speakerphone
718
00:27:32,152 --> 00:27:34,446
with the entire branch
and the warehouse.
719
00:27:34,487 --> 00:27:35,864
- Hi, David.
- Hey, David.
720
00:27:35,905 --> 00:27:37,157
[overlapping greetings]
721
00:27:37,198 --> 00:27:38,533
Hi, everyone.
722
00:27:38,575 --> 00:27:40,785
David,
they do not believe me
723
00:27:40,827 --> 00:27:43,955
when you told me
that everyone was canned.
724
00:27:43,997 --> 00:27:46,124
You weren't supposed
to tell anyone, Michael.
725
00:27:46,166 --> 00:27:47,459
Well, I think
we're past that now.
726
00:27:47,500 --> 00:27:49,127
I am not supposed--
727
00:27:49,169 --> 00:27:52,881
okay, guys, I was really
only talking about Alan,
728
00:27:52,922 --> 00:27:54,799
myself, and a few
other execs you don't know.
729
00:27:54,841 --> 00:27:57,093
Oh, my god, David,
that's... horrible.
730
00:27:57,135 --> 00:27:59,804
How about us?
It's Meredith.
731
00:27:59,846 --> 00:28:02,182
By the way, your wife
is a very lucky woman.
732
00:28:02,223 --> 00:28:05,477
Look, they're buying the
company for the distribution.
733
00:28:05,518 --> 00:28:08,104
You guys are the only thing
about this company that works.
734
00:28:08,146 --> 00:28:10,523
- So congratulations.
- We're not fired?
735
00:28:10,565 --> 00:28:12,275
No.
No, congratulations.
736
00:28:12,317 --> 00:28:13,651
- All right!
- Yeah!
737
00:28:13,693 --> 00:28:16,279
[whooping]
738
00:28:16,321 --> 00:28:17,947
It's a Christmas miracle!
739
00:28:17,989 --> 00:28:20,075
- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
740
00:28:20,116 --> 00:28:22,494
[clamoring]
741
00:28:22,535 --> 00:28:25,246
* Walk a lonely road ♪
742
00:28:25,288 --> 00:28:28,500
♪ Only one
that I have ever known ♪
743
00:28:28,541 --> 00:28:31,002
♪ Don't know where it goes ♪
744
00:28:31,044 --> 00:28:34,339
♪ But it's all to me
and I walk alone ♪
745
00:28:34,381 --> 00:28:36,549
It's true.
746
00:28:36,591 --> 00:28:39,260
We all walk alone
at some point.
747
00:28:39,302 --> 00:28:40,512
♪ ♪
748
00:28:40,553 --> 00:28:42,472
- Jim...
- Come on... shall we?
749
00:28:42,514 --> 00:28:45,183
- * I walk alone *
- Jim!
750
00:28:45,225 --> 00:28:46,559
♪ I walk a ♪
751
00:28:46,601 --> 00:28:48,186
Both: * my shadow's ♪
752
00:28:48,228 --> 00:28:51,356
♪ The only one
that walks beside me ♪
753
00:28:51,398 --> 00:28:55,860
[beatboxing]
754
00:28:55,902 --> 00:28:57,487
Take it away, Andy!
755
00:28:57,529 --> 00:29:01,032
[beatboxing]
756
00:29:01,074 --> 00:29:08,039
♪ ♪
757
00:29:15,922 --> 00:29:19,175
Wow.
'Cause...
758
00:29:20,301 --> 00:29:22,012
Yeah. That was--
that was the idea.
759
00:29:22,053 --> 00:29:23,513
- Thank you.
- Awesome.
760
00:29:23,555 --> 00:29:26,933
Thanks, man.
761
00:29:26,975 --> 00:29:29,185
* Christmas tree ♪
762
00:29:29,227 --> 00:29:32,772
- * thou leaves are so... *
- Wait a minute.
763
00:29:32,814 --> 00:29:34,399
Of course!
764
00:29:34,441 --> 00:29:36,401
Oh! You got it?
765
00:29:36,443 --> 00:29:38,403
- Ha ha!
- What is that?
766
00:29:38,445 --> 00:29:41,364
- I have no idea.
- Huh...
767
00:29:41,406 --> 00:29:42,741
Well...
768
00:29:42,782 --> 00:29:44,409
maybe those'll help.
769
00:29:44,451 --> 00:29:47,704
Michael, please.
Come on.
770
00:29:47,746 --> 00:29:49,330
- Sorry.
- Sure.
771
00:29:49,372 --> 00:29:50,749
- Nice to meet you, Oscar.
- Nice to meet you, Mark.
772
00:29:50,790 --> 00:29:54,002
- It's Matt.
- Right, Matt.
773
00:29:54,044 --> 00:29:56,713
I know what I'm doing, Pam.
774
00:30:03,345 --> 00:30:06,431
Oh, man!
775
00:30:06,473 --> 00:30:08,975
I can use this
for so many nuts--macadamias,
776
00:30:09,017 --> 00:30:12,479
Brazil nuts, pecans, almonds.
777
00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:17,025
Clams. Snails.
778
00:30:17,067 --> 00:30:18,943
Not in front of the kid.
779
00:30:18,985 --> 00:30:21,613
This is a great party.
780
00:30:21,654 --> 00:30:22,781
Did you buy the company
781
00:30:22,822 --> 00:30:24,783
just to save
your Christmas party?
782
00:30:24,824 --> 00:30:26,493
I promise I will never buy
a company
783
00:30:26,534 --> 00:30:27,619
without telling you first.
784
00:30:27,660 --> 00:30:29,162
[laughs]
785
00:30:32,332 --> 00:30:34,292
Hi, Santa.
786
00:30:34,334 --> 00:30:37,462
Hi, Michael.
787
00:30:37,504 --> 00:30:38,755
[grunts]
788
00:30:38,797 --> 00:30:41,132
Okay.
789
00:30:41,174 --> 00:30:43,635
[whispers]
I'd like to make a wish.
790
00:30:43,677 --> 00:30:45,095
[flatly] What?
791
00:30:45,136 --> 00:30:48,264
I would like an Xbox and...
792
00:30:48,306 --> 00:30:52,894
a tv that's compatible
with an Xbox.
793
00:30:52,936 --> 00:30:55,188
And I'm sorry.
794
00:30:55,230 --> 00:30:57,482
[exhales]
795
00:30:57,524 --> 00:30:59,859
An Xbox it is,
796
00:30:59,901 --> 00:31:03,154
because I've decided
you're a good boy.
797
00:31:03,196 --> 00:31:04,698
Scott.
798
00:31:04,739 --> 00:31:06,157
What in the hell
is going on here?
799
00:31:06,199 --> 00:31:07,659
- No, no, no.
- You called Bob?
800
00:31:07,701 --> 00:31:09,619
- Phyllis!
- I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.
801
00:31:09,661 --> 00:31:11,830
- It's was earlier today.
- Okay.
802
00:31:11,871 --> 00:31:13,832
- Hi, sweetheart.
- You okay, baby?
803
00:31:13,873 --> 00:31:15,500
- I'm good, baby.
- Oh, god.
804
00:31:15,542 --> 00:31:16,835
Get a room, Santas.
805
00:31:16,876 --> 00:31:18,128
Fresh nut?
806
00:31:18,169 --> 00:31:20,046
I don't mind if I do.
Thank you.
807
00:31:24,801 --> 00:31:26,761
- Thank you, Santa.
- Oh, jeez.
808
00:31:26,803 --> 00:31:28,930
Okay, happy holidays.
809
00:31:28,972 --> 00:31:30,265
It's real slippery
out here.
810
00:31:30,306 --> 00:31:31,891
- [rhythmic sound approaches]
- Oh...
811
00:31:31,933 --> 00:31:34,436
♪ ♪
812
00:31:34,477 --> 00:31:35,937
Oh, my god.
813
00:31:35,979 --> 00:31:38,732
Twelve drummers drumming.
814
00:31:38,773 --> 00:31:41,776
[rhythm picks up]
815
00:31:41,818 --> 00:31:46,781
♪ ♪
816
00:31:46,823 --> 00:31:48,783
[crisp military-like drumming]
817
00:31:48,825 --> 00:31:50,952
[clang]
818
00:31:50,994 --> 00:31:52,704
Merry Christmas, Erin.
819
00:31:52,746 --> 00:31:53,997
Take it away, boys!
820
00:31:54,039 --> 00:31:56,958
[drumming continues]
821
00:31:57,000 --> 00:32:02,922
♪ ♪
822
00:32:02,964 --> 00:32:04,382
[clang]
58248
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