Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:10,635
Good. Excellent.
2
00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,762
And file sharing off.
3
00:00:12,804 --> 00:00:15,682
And... done.
4
00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:21,980
Security software.
128-bit encryption. Firewalls.
5
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:24,441
Get up; I'll install it
on your computer.
6
00:00:24,482 --> 00:00:26,234
- No, thanks.
- [scoffs]
7
00:00:26,276 --> 00:00:27,360
Stupid.
8
00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:28,862
Identity theft happens
all the time.
9
00:00:28,903 --> 00:00:31,031
I could become you like that.
10
00:00:31,072 --> 00:00:34,284
But no one can become me.
11
00:00:34,325 --> 00:00:37,328
No one wants to be you, Dwight.
12
00:00:37,370 --> 00:00:39,539
Not true.
13
00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:43,793
And if they did, they couldn't
because I'm password-protected.
14
00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:45,503
Is your password "Frodo"?
15
00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:47,130
No.
16
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:56,806
Did you just change it
to "Gollum"?
17
00:00:58,558 --> 00:00:59,934
No.
18
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:04,564
[keyboard clacking]
19
00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:07,567
[rock music]
20
00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:14,741
{\an8}♪ ♪
21
00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:42,894
{\an8}[phone rings]
22
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:45,355
{\an8}Dunder Mifflin.
This is Pam.
23
00:01:45,397 --> 00:01:48,733
{\an8}- Hold, please.
- Ooh-hoo. Ooh.
24
00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:49,984
{\an8}[as Ace Ventura]
All righty, then.
25
00:01:50,026 --> 00:01:51,236
{\an8}Well, I see you're going
26
00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:53,905
{\an8}for the whole
bored-supermodel thing.
27
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,573
{\an8}[monotonously]
"Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.
28
00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:57,117
{\an8}May I help you?"
29
00:01:57,158 --> 00:01:58,827
{\an8}Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.
30
00:01:58,868 --> 00:02:00,203
{\an8}I wasn't really going
for anything.
31
00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:01,204
{\an8}No, no. I get it.
I get it. I get it.
32
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:03,957
{\an8}A child is born:
"Ho-hum."
33
00:02:03,998 --> 00:02:05,834
{\an8}Beautiful sunset:
"Nah, I'll catch the next one."
34
00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:08,169
{\an8}Right? Unicorn walks
into the office:
35
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,296
{\an8}"Oh, do you have
an appointment?"
36
00:02:10,338 --> 00:02:11,798
{\an8}Okay, look, Pam.
37
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,133
{\an8}This is not meant
as a criticism,
38
00:02:13,174 --> 00:02:15,093
{\an8}but let me tell you
what you're doing wrong.
39
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,637
{\an8}You are the voice
of this company, right?
40
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:20,348
{\an8}And when clients call
and you're not smiling,
41
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:22,851
{\an8}they can hear that
in your voice.
42
00:02:22,892 --> 00:02:25,103
{\an8}It is a real turnoff.
43
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,771
{\an8}Are you being serious?
44
00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:28,898
{\an8}Yes. I am. Absolutely.
45
00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:31,109
{\an8}So the next call we get,
I'd like you to smile.
46
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,610
{\an8}I'd like to see a big smile.
47
00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:34,362
- Okay.
- Okay.
48
00:02:47,625 --> 00:02:49,753
- No one's calling.
- I know. Somebody will.
49
00:02:49,794 --> 00:02:51,129
{\an8}And we'll wait.
50
00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:57,469
Sometimes there's a lot
of time between the calls.
51
00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:58,803
I know. I know.
52
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,722
- We will wait.
- Okay.
53
00:03:00,764 --> 00:03:02,891
We will wait for the call.
54
00:03:02,932 --> 00:03:05,018
And you will smile.
55
00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:08,396
Let me try something,
just while we're waiting.
56
00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:09,814
Okay.
57
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:12,150
Tell me
if I'm smiling or not.
58
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,735
[cheerfully]
Hi, Pam. How are you?
59
00:03:13,777 --> 00:03:15,862
- Was I smiling?
- Yes.
60
00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:17,864
Okay. Let me try this one.
61
00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:19,199
[monotonously]
Hi, Pam. How are you?
62
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:20,533
- No.
- I mean, you can tell. Right.
63
00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:21,826
- Yeah, I could tell.
- No, I wasn't smiling
64
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,204
that time,
and they can tell too.
65
00:03:24,245 --> 00:03:26,331
- That was a good example.
- Thank you.
66
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,337
All right,
when we get a call,
67
00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,339
I'll come back,
and you'll do the smile.
68
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,548
Okay.
69
00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:37,926
- [phone rings]
- Oh, here we go! Showtime!
70
00:03:37,967 --> 00:03:40,136
It's showtime!
71
00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:42,305
[inhales deeply]
72
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:45,058
[cheerfully]
Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.
73
00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:46,685
One moment.
I'll transfer you.
74
00:03:46,726 --> 00:03:48,103
Okay.
75
00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:01,908
God.
76
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:23,221
Hey, Dwight, my tuna sandwich
isn't in the refrigerator.
77
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:24,347
You wouldn't know anything
about that,
78
00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:25,724
- would you?
- It was rotting.
79
00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:27,809
It was not rotting.
80
00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:29,561
"Any employee may dispose
of any food item..."
81
00:04:29,602 --> 00:04:31,229
- Stop. Dwight.
- "That risks contaminating
82
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:32,480
any other food item."
83
00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:34,232
Read the official
kitchen regulations memo.
84
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,734
Dwight, you wrote
that memo, okay?
85
00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:38,403
- It's not an official memo.
- Uh, not my problem, okay?
86
00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:40,655
This is a paper factory,
not a bacteria factory.
87
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,240
Dwight, it's not a factory
at all.
88
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,075
Do you have to do
what you're doing?
89
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,368
[scoffs]
90
00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:47,412
If they don't bobble,
what's the point?
91
00:04:53,918 --> 00:04:55,920
What is this?
92
00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:57,422
My nephew does it every year.
93
00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:59,591
Anything you could give
would be fantastic.
94
00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:02,344
Okay, but I don't wanna be
put on a mailing list.
95
00:05:09,225 --> 00:05:11,269
- Michael.
- Oh, God! Dwight, come on!
96
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,937
I wanted to talk to you
about the downsizing.
97
00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:14,356
There's no downsizing.
98
00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:15,815
But if there were,
I'd be protected
99
00:05:15,857 --> 00:05:17,067
as assistant regional manager?
100
00:05:17,108 --> 00:05:18,610
Assistant to the
regional manager, Dwight.
101
00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:20,278
Yeah, so I don't have
to worry, right?
102
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,864
Look, look, look, look,
I talked to corporate
103
00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:24,199
about protecting
the sales staff,
104
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:25,367
and they said
they couldn't guarantee it
105
00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:27,035
if there's downsizing, okay?
106
00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:28,953
But there's no downsizing,
so just don't--
107
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:31,122
Bottom line,
do I need to be worried?
108
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:34,459
Mm-mm... maybe.
109
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:36,461
It looks like there's
gonna be downsizing.
110
00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:39,130
And it's part of my job, but... blech,
111
00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:41,007
I-I hate it.
112
00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:43,885
I think the main difference
between me and Donald Trump
113
00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:45,762
is that, uh,
114
00:05:45,804 --> 00:05:48,848
I get no pleasure out of saying
the words, "You're fired."
115
00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:50,058
[as Trump]
You're fired.
116
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,185
Uh, you're fired.
117
00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:53,645
[normally]
He just makes people sad,
118
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:56,356
and an office can't function
that way, no way.
119
00:05:56,398 --> 00:05:58,149
[as Trump]
You're fired.
120
00:05:58,191 --> 00:05:59,317
[normally]
I think if I had a catchphrase,
121
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,194
it would be, "You're hired,
122
00:06:01,236 --> 00:06:03,446
and you can work here
as long as you want."
123
00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:05,824
But that's unrealistic, so...
124
00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:09,744
[phone ringing]
125
00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:11,830
It's a real shame,
because studies have shown
126
00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:13,498
that more information
gets passed
127
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:16,334
through watercooler gossip
than through official memos,
128
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:19,963
which puts me
at a disadvantage because...
129
00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:23,008
I bring my own water to work.
130
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:24,968
- Why'd you do this?
- I didn't do it.
131
00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,678
What do you mean?
132
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,722
Oh, the watercooler
was brought over here
133
00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:31,683
for... maintenance.
134
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,935
So what do you guys hear?
135
00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:35,437
What's the scuttlebutt?
136
00:06:38,314 --> 00:06:41,401
Get set for "Operation
Morale Improvement,"
137
00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:43,445
starring Michael Scott.
138
00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:45,780
Now, I think I've had
a little stroke of genius
139
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:48,533
in that I have had
my assistant, Pam--
140
00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:49,701
smile, Pam--
141
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:51,286
I have had her go out
and find out
142
00:06:51,327 --> 00:06:53,204
whose birthday is coming up
143
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:55,498
so we can have a little
celebration for them.
144
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:57,208
Not bad!
Not bad at all!
145
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,377
All right,
and the birthday person is--
146
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,379
drumroll, please...
147
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,006
♪ Here we go ♪
148
00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:07,385
♪ Who is the person,
the birthday person ♪
149
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,305
Who is it?
Who's the birthday?
150
00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:11,723
Um, actually,
151
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:14,309
we don't have any
staff birthdays coming up.
152
00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:16,811
Next person
on the... calendar.
153
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:19,564
Okay, um,
that would be Meredith.
154
00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:21,524
Yes! All right!
Come on down, Meredith!
155
00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:23,234
But it's not
until next month.
156
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:27,030
Um... uh, okay.
157
00:07:27,072 --> 00:07:30,575
Well, great. Well, you know,
it'll be a surprise.
158
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:32,243
You still want
to have a party?
159
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,579
Yeah. Why not?
Sure. Go ahead.
160
00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:36,498
Live a little.
Come on, Pam.
161
00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:39,125
Come on. Shake it up.
Shake it up.
162
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:42,295
Shake it up!
163
00:07:42,337 --> 00:07:44,589
[trills]
Uh, Spock,
164
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,341
are there any signs of life
down there?
165
00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:47,926
Well, let me check, Captain.
166
00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:50,679
[imitates whirring]
167
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:55,475
No, Captain,
no signs of life down here.
168
00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:58,895
Just a wet blanket named Pam.
169
00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:00,605
[laughs]
170
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,857
[trills]
171
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:05,443
"Star Trek."
172
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:08,571
Well, uh, for decorations,
maybe we could--
173
00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:10,073
It's stupid.
Forget it.
174
00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:11,658
What?
175
00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:13,868
Well, I was just gonna say
maybe we could have streamers,
176
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:14,953
but that's dumb.
177
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:16,579
Everybody has streamers.
178
00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:17,831
- Never mind.
- No.
179
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:19,582
Yeah, I think
that's a good idea.
180
00:08:19,624 --> 00:08:22,419
What color do you guys think?
181
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:24,963
Well, there's green...
182
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,215
uh, blue...
183
00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:30,135
yellow... red--
184
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:31,344
How about green?
185
00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:33,972
I think green
is kind of whorish.
186
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,181
This was tough.
187
00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:37,475
I suggested we flip a coin,
188
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:40,520
but Angela said
she doesn't like to gamble.
189
00:08:40,562 --> 00:08:41,813
Of course, by saying that,
190
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:45,608
she was gambling
that I wouldn't smack her.
191
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:48,528
These are
my party-planning biatches.
192
00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:50,822
Pulled off an amazing
'80s party last year.
193
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,532
Off the hook!
194
00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:54,534
{\an8}So I was thinking,
if you haven't already
195
00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:56,119
gotten a cake, um, maybe go in
196
00:08:56,161 --> 00:08:58,580
for one of those ice cream
cakes from Baskin-Robbins.
197
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:00,415
They're very good,
very delicious.
198
00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:03,084
Meredith's allergic
to dairy, so...
199
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:05,754
She's not the only one that's
gonna be eating it, right?
200
00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:07,756
And I think everybody
likes ice cream cake.
201
00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:11,051
It's not, uh--
not just about her, so...
202
00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:13,720
- It is her birthday--
- Mint chocolate chip!
203
00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:14,804
Would be good.
204
00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:16,890
How about some...
mint chocolate chip?
205
00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:19,934
Hey.
206
00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:23,188
So listen, I was thinking
that it might be a good idea
207
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:25,815
if you and I
formed an alliance.
208
00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:29,527
'Cause of the downsizing,
209
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,529
I think an alliance
might be a good idea.
210
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,406
You know, help each other out.
211
00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:39,537
Do you want to form
an alliance with me?
212
00:09:42,374 --> 00:09:45,460
- Absolutely, I do.
- Good, good. Excellent.
213
00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:47,545
Okay, now we need to figure out
who's vulnerable
214
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,214
and who's protected.
There may be...
215
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:51,341
At that moment,
I was just so happy.
216
00:09:51,383 --> 00:09:54,135
I mean, everything Dwight does
annoys me.
217
00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:56,304
Did you get your tickets?
218
00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:57,764
To what?
219
00:09:57,806 --> 00:09:58,973
The gun show.
220
00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:05,522
[laughing breathily]
221
00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,565
And I spend... hours
222
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,734
thinking of ways
to get back at him
223
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,861
but only in ways
that would get me arrested.
224
00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:13,321
And then here he comes,
and he says,
225
00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,740
"No, Jim,
226
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,158
here's a way."
227
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,411
And there's one other thing,
and this is important:
228
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:22,580
let's keep this alliance
totally a secret.
229
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:25,667
- Yeah.
- Don't tell anyone.
230
00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:27,168
- An alliance?
- Oh, yeah.
231
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:28,545
What does that even mean?
232
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,338
I think it has something
to do with "Survivor,"
233
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:31,548
but I'm not sure.
234
00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:32,882
- Um...
- [laughs]
235
00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:35,427
I know that it involves
spying on people,
236
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,262
and we may build a fort
in accounting.
237
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:39,055
- Jim. Hey.
- Hey.
238
00:10:39,097 --> 00:10:41,099
Hi, Pam. Listen, can I talk
to you for a second
239
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,852
about... the paper products?
240
00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:45,687
Did you tell Pam
about the alliance?
241
00:10:45,729 --> 00:10:46,980
- What? No--
- Just now?
242
00:10:47,022 --> 00:10:49,441
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Dwight, no.
243
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,526
I'm using her
for the alliance.
244
00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:53,486
Who knows the most information
about this office?
245
00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:54,779
- Pam.
- Right. That's good.
246
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:56,281
- Good. Pursue this.
- Well, I'm trying to.
247
00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:57,198
- Mm-hmm.
- Do you see what I'm doing?
248
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,491
- Mm-hmm.
- But listen,
249
00:10:58,533 --> 00:11:00,035
I'm gonna have to talk
to her a lot, all right?
250
00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:02,537
And there may be chatting
and giggling.
251
00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:04,330
And you gotta just pretend
to ignore it.
252
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:05,623
- Wipe it away.
- Done.
253
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:06,916
- All right.
- Okay.
254
00:11:14,966 --> 00:11:16,426
Can you get her?
She's right there.
255
00:11:16,468 --> 00:11:18,720
That is Meredith,
the birthday girl.
256
00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:22,098
And this... is Meredith's card.
257
00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:23,933
"Happy Bird-Day!"
258
00:11:23,975 --> 00:11:25,310
[laughs]
259
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:28,521
Um, let's see... Jim.
260
00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:30,023
Jim wrote,
261
00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:32,942
"Meredith, I heard you're
turning 46, but come on.
262
00:11:32,984 --> 00:11:35,987
You're an accountant.
Just fudge the numbers."
263
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,364
Not bad. Pretty funny.
264
00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:40,533
I don't appreciate condoning
corporate fraud, though.
265
00:11:40,575 --> 00:11:42,285
Uh, here's the thing.
266
00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:43,578
Whatever I write here
267
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:46,539
has to be really, really funny
268
00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:48,958
because people out there
are expecting it.
269
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,836
I've already set the bar
really high.
270
00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:54,464
And they're all worried
about their jobs, you know?
271
00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,299
It's kind of dark out there.
272
00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:58,677
Can you imagine if I wrote
something like, uh,
273
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,971
"Oh, Meredith,
um, happy birthday.
274
00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:04,808
You're great.
Love, Michael."
275
00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:06,059
[scoffs]
276
00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:09,938
[gags]
277
00:12:09,979 --> 00:12:11,523
[laughs]
278
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,900
They seem awfully chummy,
don't you think?
279
00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:16,194
Yeah.
What do you think that's about?
280
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,947
Only one way to find out.
281
00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:20,073
I'm on it.
282
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,577
You are not going
to believe this.
283
00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:25,954
What?
I believe it.
284
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:27,747
Well, tensions were high
in the kitchen.
285
00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:29,082
I could tell
from the body language.
286
00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:31,251
Hey, that looks good.
What is that, turkey?
287
00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:32,794
Italian.
288
00:12:32,836 --> 00:12:35,588
Oh, Italian.
Nice. Wow.
289
00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:37,716
Got the works there:
red onion,
290
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:39,342
- provolone.
- Yeah.
291
00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:40,719
Toby and Kevin,
292
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,220
they're trying
to get Angela kicked off.
293
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:43,430
Good. Let 'em.
That's fine.
294
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:45,390
- It helps our cause.
- Well, I don't know.
295
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:46,808
Because if Kevin's
in accounting
296
00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:49,060
and Toby's in human resources
and they're talking?
297
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,937
Oh, they're forming
an alliance.
298
00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:53,106
- I love their sandwiches.
- I love their sandwiches too.
299
00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:54,733
Yeah, their bread's
really good.
300
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,443
Their bread is very good.
301
00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:58,069
Damn it!
302
00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,779
God! God!
[growls]
303
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:03,116
[car alarm wailing]
304
00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:05,577
- [alarm chirps, wailing stops]
- Okay, listen.
305
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,787
We need to assume
that everyone in the office
306
00:13:07,829 --> 00:13:09,706
is forming an alliance
and is therefore
307
00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:11,750
- trying to get us kicked off.
- God damn it!
308
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,335
[whispering]
Why us?
309
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:16,880
Because we're strong, Dwight.
Because we're strong.
310
00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:18,798
God, it's freezing.
I gotta go in.
311
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,801
You stay, though, okay?
For, like, five minutes.
312
00:13:21,843 --> 00:13:23,136
You don't wanna
arouse suspicion.
313
00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:26,014
- I'll stay for ten.
- Good. I like it.
314
00:13:26,056 --> 00:13:28,308
You know what?
315
00:13:28,350 --> 00:13:29,851
Pretend to smoke.
316
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:54,793
[clears throat]
317
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,878
Meredith. Meredith.
318
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,089
Mere... Mere had a little lamb.
319
00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:01,549
Mere... Meredith
had a little lamb.
320
00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:02,926
"Don't bring that lamb to work,
321
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:04,511
or it'll poop on the floor."
[knock at door]
322
00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:06,846
Hey! Oscar.
Come on in. What's up?
323
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,682
- Uh, I'm sorry to bother you.
- Oh, not at all.
324
00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:10,016
Come on in.
What's going on?
325
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:12,852
My nephew is involved
with, um,
326
00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:15,355
- a charity for cerebral palsy.
- Mm-hmm.
327
00:14:15,397 --> 00:14:19,359
And I was wondering
if maybe you'd like to...
328
00:14:19,401 --> 00:14:21,319
- you know, if--
- What?
329
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:24,280
- Uh, donate to the charity.
- Oh, God.
330
00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:25,824
Of course I would.
Psh!
331
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,785
Get it over here!
Get that over here.
332
00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:31,705
- Thank you.
- You know I'm always good
333
00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:34,124
for some serious buckage.
334
00:14:34,165 --> 00:14:36,376
Wow. $2? $3?
335
00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:38,420
People out here do not care
336
00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:40,797
about... diseases.
337
00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:42,549
I'm going to give you
338
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:44,759
$25.
339
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,179
That's... that's--
340
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:49,889
- that's very generous.
- Oh, my gosh.
341
00:14:49,931 --> 00:14:51,474
Well, listen, Oscar.
342
00:14:51,516 --> 00:14:54,185
Generosity and togetherness
343
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,562
and community
344
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:58,106
all... convalescences
345
00:14:58,148 --> 00:15:00,734
into... morale.
346
00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:02,861
That's what I say, so...
[clicks tongue]
347
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,487
- Right?
- Yes. Yes, sir.
348
00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:06,406
- All right. Good.
- Mike, if that's
349
00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:08,450
Meredith's card, I can take it
with me if you're done.
350
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:11,536
Actually--oh.
I wanna bounce this off of you.
351
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:13,246
Um,
352
00:15:13,288 --> 00:15:15,749
"Meredith, I'm writing this
in big letters
353
00:15:15,790 --> 00:15:19,044
so you don't need to use
your reading glasses."
354
00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:24,049
I'd write it in big letters.
It'd be...
355
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:25,800
- It's funny.
- Well, actually,
356
00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:27,677
the letters would be huge.
It's a visual thing.
357
00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:29,888
- No, yeah. I-I...
- And she'd see it.
358
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,765
- It's--it's good.
- Yeah.
359
00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:34,017
- It's funny.
- Uh, well, yeah.
360
00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:36,394
Just kind of...
[clicking tongue]
361
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:38,480
You know, working it.
362
00:15:38,521 --> 00:15:40,065
Just working it right now.
363
00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:43,943
Working out the kinks. Um...
364
00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:45,403
I'll just need
a couple more minutes.
365
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,864
Oh. Okay.
366
00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:51,951
[ponderingly]
"Happy birthday, Meredith.
367
00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:54,454
"You're--you're old.
368
00:15:54,496 --> 00:15:56,873
You're just old."
369
00:15:56,915 --> 00:15:59,292
Hey, Jim.
Can I talk to you for a second?
370
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,670
- Sure. What's up?
- Um, I don't know.
371
00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:03,505
I'm just, like,
going a little crazy
372
00:16:03,546 --> 00:16:06,800
'cause I keep overhearing
all of these conversations
373
00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:08,510
between Michael and corporate
374
00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:10,804
about, like, staff issues.
375
00:16:10,845 --> 00:16:12,138
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
376
00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:15,100
He's making me take notes
on these meetings,
377
00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:17,686
and I'm like,
"These people are my friends,"
378
00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:20,021
but he's all like,
"This is confidential.
379
00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:22,565
You can't tell anybody,"
but... I don't know.
380
00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:24,484
I just feel like I wanna--
[gags]
381
00:16:24,526 --> 00:16:26,236
Just promise me
you're not gonna say anything.
382
00:16:26,277 --> 00:16:28,321
I will not.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.
383
00:16:28,363 --> 00:16:30,240
- Okay. Yeah.
- This is between you and me.
384
00:16:34,536 --> 00:16:36,079
Jackpot.
385
00:16:36,121 --> 00:16:37,497
That was beautiful.
386
00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:40,625
All her idea too. Awesome.
387
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,961
She's so great.
388
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,924
Uh, by the way,
have you heard Dwight
389
00:16:47,966 --> 00:16:50,468
say the word "immunity" yet?
390
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:54,389
Because if I can get Dwight
to say the word "immunity,"
391
00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:56,808
might be the greatest day
of my life.
392
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:59,728
I can do a poem
for Meredith's birthday
393
00:16:59,769 --> 00:17:02,147
or a limerick.
Limerick?
394
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:04,024
Um...
[knock at door]
395
00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:06,026
"There was a girl
from Dunder Mifflin."
396
00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:08,903
Come on in.
"Who had a big smifflin." Yes.
397
00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:11,322
Hi. Do you mind
if I sign the card real quick?
398
00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,074
No. Not at all.
Come on in.
399
00:17:20,582 --> 00:17:21,958
[chuckles softly]
400
00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:28,381
No. No. You can't...
401
00:17:28,423 --> 00:17:30,675
No. Red hair was my area.
402
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,719
We have it on tape, so...
403
00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:35,430
It's just a birthday card.
404
00:17:35,472 --> 00:17:37,974
I was going to put that
in my message, Toby.
405
00:17:38,016 --> 00:17:39,976
All right?
So just cross it off.
406
00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:44,439
Cross it off! Now!
407
00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:47,400
[sighs]
408
00:17:47,442 --> 00:17:49,069
What are you doing?
409
00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:51,071
Oh, come on.
You're ruining it.
410
00:17:51,112 --> 00:17:53,907
Toby, come on!
Just look--look at that.
411
00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:56,326
That's wrecked. Ass.
412
00:17:56,368 --> 00:17:57,952
Get some Wite-Out.
413
00:17:57,994 --> 00:17:59,788
- There's some right there.
- That's my Wite-Out.
414
00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:02,207
Get your own Wite-Out.
Just--
415
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:04,918
What's the matter with you?
416
00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:06,920
- Nothing.
- God.
417
00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:10,423
Okay, um...
418
00:18:10,465 --> 00:18:12,842
"There was a girl
from Dunder Mifflin
419
00:18:12,884 --> 00:18:16,846
"who had a big...
420
00:18:16,888 --> 00:18:19,891
putifflin."
Mm, Mifflin. Spifflin.
421
00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:21,434
Meredith. Bad breath.
422
00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:24,437
"Meredith has bad breath."
[door clicks open]
423
00:18:24,479 --> 00:18:25,939
- Hey.
- Hey.
424
00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:27,232
- You wanted to see me?
- Uh, yeah.
425
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:28,400
What do you know
about Meredith?
426
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:31,069
I don't think
she'd be missed.
427
00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:33,279
There's not going to be
downsizing, Dwight, okay?
428
00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:36,616
I just--I need to know
a little bit more about...
429
00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:38,201
my friend.
430
00:18:38,243 --> 00:18:39,703
- Name: Meredith Palmer.
- Mm-hmm.
431
00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:42,622
Uh, personal information:
divorced twice, two kids.
432
00:18:42,664 --> 00:18:45,250
Uh, employer: Dunder Mifflin
Paper, Incorporated.
433
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:46,918
Awards: multiple Dundies--
434
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,420
I know all that.
I know--I know all that.
435
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,505
I just--I need something
kind of embarrassing, you know?
436
00:18:50,547 --> 00:18:52,507
Kind of fun, inside...
[clicks tongue]
437
00:18:52,549 --> 00:18:54,342
She had a hysterectomy.
438
00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:56,678
Which one is that again?
439
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:57,971
That's where
they remove the uterus.
440
00:18:58,013 --> 00:19:00,473
Oh, God!
Dwight, no!
441
00:19:00,515 --> 00:19:02,976
I'm trying to write
something funny here, okay?
442
00:19:03,018 --> 00:19:04,894
What am I gonna do
with a removed uterus?
443
00:19:04,936 --> 00:19:06,646
- It could be kind of funny.
- [sighs]
444
00:19:06,688 --> 00:19:09,190
Come up with a joke
that I can use, okay?
445
00:19:09,232 --> 00:19:12,152
- Help me out here.
- Okay.
446
00:19:12,193 --> 00:19:13,987
"Hey, Meredith,
where's your uter-ith?"
447
00:19:14,029 --> 00:19:16,865
No, not a uterus joke,
Dwight, please.
448
00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:18,867
Something usable.
A joke.
449
00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:21,953
If I find a joke for you,
will you grant me immunity?
450
00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:23,788
[mouthing words]
451
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,248
- What?
- From the downsizing?
452
00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:27,834
There's not going
to be downsizing, Dwight.
453
00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:30,086
You know what?
I am on a deadline here.
454
00:19:30,128 --> 00:19:31,880
And just--okay.
455
00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:33,840
Thanks.
Thanks for your help. I'm--
456
00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:35,008
I'll work it out.
457
00:19:35,050 --> 00:19:37,177
Thank you, Dwight.
458
00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:39,304
That wasn't a waste of time.
459
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:44,976
Meredith.
460
00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:47,228
Oh. Oh, man.
461
00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:50,315
Oh, gosh, I can't remember
why I came over here.
462
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:52,150
- [chuckles]
- I hate that.
463
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:54,361
Right? Ugh, I know. Ugh.
464
00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:56,071
So annoying.
465
00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:57,906
[blows raspberry]
Brain fart.
466
00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:02,285
By the way, do you remember
467
00:20:02,327 --> 00:20:04,704
any funny interactions
we may have had recently
468
00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:06,247
that I forgot about?
469
00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:10,210
Like, just--you know, we...
470
00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:12,045
bumped into each other
and you said, "Brr, brr,"
471
00:20:12,087 --> 00:20:13,838
and I went, "Rawr, rawr,"
you know?
472
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,674
Anything?
473
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:18,218
Well, if you think
of something, let me know.
474
00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:20,804
'Cause I'd... like to know.
[chuckles]
475
00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:23,390
'Cause I'm going crazy!
476
00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:25,517
- Okay, here's the deal.
- All right.
477
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,644
Pam says that one
of the alliances is meeting
478
00:20:27,686 --> 00:20:29,604
in the warehouse during
Meredith's birthday party.
479
00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:31,064
Oh, my God.
We have to be there.
480
00:20:31,106 --> 00:20:32,399
I know, but it's
gonna be a little tough
481
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:33,608
because there's no
good place to hide down there.
482
00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:35,402
No, no. Yes, there is.
Behind the shelves.
483
00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:37,028
- Oh, my God.
- What? What? What?
484
00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:39,239
I know.
I know exactly what to do.
485
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,199
- Great.
- I'm a deer hunter.
486
00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:43,118
I go all the time with my dad.
487
00:20:43,159 --> 00:20:46,621
One thing about deer,
they have very good vision.
488
00:20:46,663 --> 00:20:48,873
One thing about me,
489
00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:51,918
I am better at hiding
than they are...
490
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,586
at vision.
491
00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:56,214
This is gonna be perfect, okay?
492
00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:58,133
Centrally located.
Perfect cover.
493
00:20:58,174 --> 00:21:00,010
I can hear and see everything.
494
00:21:00,051 --> 00:21:01,302
Good.
495
00:21:01,344 --> 00:21:03,221
Meredith. Meredith.
496
00:21:03,263 --> 00:21:04,889
Mere-death. Death.
497
00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:07,142
Death. Your death.
498
00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:10,478
"Mere-death, you're gonna die
a nasty death.
499
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:13,565
But happy birthday anyway."
Um...
500
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,775
[hisses]
Meredith.
501
00:21:15,817 --> 00:21:18,653
Meredith. She's--she's--
502
00:21:18,695 --> 00:21:20,363
Death. Mere-death.
503
00:21:20,405 --> 00:21:22,490
"She's death warmed over."
504
00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:25,618
Oh, come on.
Oh, come on.
505
00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:27,620
I don't know. Help me out.
She has red hair.
506
00:21:27,662 --> 00:21:29,831
Her name's Meredith.
507
00:21:29,873 --> 00:21:32,834
No. No, I'm not doing
the big-letter thing.
508
00:21:32,876 --> 00:21:34,961
Meredith. Mere...
509
00:21:35,003 --> 00:21:36,421
Mare.
"You're a horse."
510
00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:40,342
Ow! God!
511
00:21:44,387 --> 00:21:46,473
Let's do it. Let's do it.
Let's do it--oh, oh, oh, oh!
512
00:21:46,514 --> 00:21:47,515
Okay.
513
00:21:50,935 --> 00:21:53,855
No, that's not it. So...
514
00:21:53,897 --> 00:21:54,981
- [knock at door]
- Michael.
515
00:21:55,023 --> 00:21:55,940
- Just a sec.
- Are you done yet?
516
00:21:55,982 --> 00:21:57,442
Almost there.
Just a... second.
517
00:21:57,484 --> 00:22:00,153
It is perfect.
Thank you. Excellent.
518
00:22:00,195 --> 00:22:02,364
Here we go. It is time.
Thank you.
519
00:22:02,405 --> 00:22:04,532
Okay! Come on, let's go!
Get the cake!
520
00:22:04,574 --> 00:22:06,826
Here we go. Come on!
Come on! Come on!
521
00:22:06,868 --> 00:22:08,286
Shh! Be quiet.
522
00:22:08,328 --> 00:22:10,121
Wait, this isn't gonna work.
The lid's open.
523
00:22:10,163 --> 00:22:12,582
- So tape it down.
- I can't do that.
524
00:22:12,624 --> 00:22:14,167
Then you won't be able
to breathe.
525
00:22:14,209 --> 00:22:16,252
Look, I can breathe
just fine, okay?
526
00:22:16,294 --> 00:22:17,337
But if it makes you
feel better,
527
00:22:17,379 --> 00:22:18,838
I'll poke holes in the box.
528
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:20,965
Thank you.
Thank you. Okay.
529
00:22:21,007 --> 00:22:23,718
[door creaks]
530
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:26,179
all: Surprise!
531
00:22:26,221 --> 00:22:29,140
- Oh... surprise!
- No, it's a--
532
00:22:29,182 --> 00:22:31,017
It's "surprise, Meredith!"
533
00:22:31,059 --> 00:22:32,352
One, two...
534
00:22:32,394 --> 00:22:35,897
all: [off-key]
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
535
00:22:35,939 --> 00:22:38,108
Find the key.
all: * Happy birthday ♪
536
00:22:38,149 --> 00:22:39,442
So you want me
to stay here
537
00:22:39,484 --> 00:22:41,861
and, you know,
stand next to the box, or--
538
00:22:41,903 --> 00:22:43,154
No.
539
00:22:43,196 --> 00:22:45,198
You need to go upstairs
to the party
540
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:46,825
so people don't notice
that we're both gone.
541
00:22:46,866 --> 00:22:48,535
Right. That's good.
542
00:22:48,576 --> 00:22:51,996
Can I trust Jim?
I don't know.
543
00:22:52,038 --> 00:22:54,874
Do I have a choice?
No. Frankly, I don't.
544
00:22:54,916 --> 00:22:56,876
Will I trust Jim? Yes.
545
00:22:56,918 --> 00:22:59,546
Should I trust Jim?
546
00:22:59,587 --> 00:23:01,256
You tell me.
547
00:23:01,297 --> 00:23:04,342
all: * Happy birthday,
dear Meredith ♪
548
00:23:04,384 --> 00:23:07,345
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
549
00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:10,181
* And many more ♪
550
00:23:13,518 --> 00:23:15,770
[overlapping chatter]
551
00:23:15,812 --> 00:23:18,356
Last year, five years ago.
We're still here.
552
00:23:18,398 --> 00:23:20,775
I think red
was the right choice.
553
00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:24,237
It's okay.
554
00:23:24,279 --> 00:23:26,197
It's perfect.
555
00:23:26,239 --> 00:23:29,075
Mm-mm-mm.
Just okay.
556
00:23:29,117 --> 00:23:31,161
Phyllis.
557
00:23:31,202 --> 00:23:32,954
- Cake looks good, doesn't it?
- Yeah.
558
00:23:32,996 --> 00:23:34,748
Second piece, right?
559
00:23:34,789 --> 00:23:37,167
Save some for everybody else.
Thank you.
560
00:23:37,208 --> 00:23:38,960
- My first one was small.
- What? Yeah.
561
00:23:39,002 --> 00:23:40,545
Okay. All right.
562
00:23:40,587 --> 00:23:42,047
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen,
563
00:23:42,088 --> 00:23:44,466
how was your
mint chocolate chip?
564
00:23:44,507 --> 00:23:46,593
- Minty.
- Mm! No, you need it
565
00:23:46,634 --> 00:23:49,429
for your breath, right?
[snorts]
566
00:23:49,471 --> 00:23:51,014
[muffled]
I'm kidding.
567
00:23:51,056 --> 00:23:52,474
- Pamela, how are you?
- Hi.
568
00:23:52,515 --> 00:23:54,267
You know what they say.
569
00:23:54,309 --> 00:23:57,103
Sugar is nature's aphrodisiac, so...
570
00:23:57,145 --> 00:23:58,480
don't get too wild, all right?
571
00:23:58,521 --> 00:24:00,315
Watch it. Watch it.
[laughs]
572
00:24:00,357 --> 00:24:01,483
You were surprised,
weren't you?
573
00:24:01,524 --> 00:24:02,984
- Yes.
- You looked freaked, man.
574
00:24:03,026 --> 00:24:06,154
When we said "surprise,"
you were, like, "What?
575
00:24:06,196 --> 00:24:08,323
What the hell's going on here?"
576
00:24:08,365 --> 00:24:10,533
Yes. Yes, yes.
I mean,
577
00:24:10,575 --> 00:24:12,827
my birthday's
not until next month.
578
00:24:12,869 --> 00:24:15,163
See, that's why we do things
a little different here
579
00:24:15,205 --> 00:24:16,456
at Dunder Mifflin, right?
580
00:24:16,498 --> 00:24:19,125
Mm! Happiness level
way up here now?
581
00:24:19,167 --> 00:24:21,336
Way up here? Right.
All right.
582
00:24:21,378 --> 00:24:23,713
- Right.
- Mmm.
583
00:24:23,755 --> 00:24:25,382
Good cake.
Why don't you have some?
584
00:24:25,423 --> 00:24:27,217
- I-I can't. Um--
- Come on.
585
00:24:27,258 --> 00:24:28,510
- A little bit. A little bit.
- No, no.
586
00:24:28,551 --> 00:24:30,095
- I can't eat dairy.
- Oh, right.
587
00:24:30,136 --> 00:24:31,513
Oh, God. Too bad.
It's so good.
588
00:24:31,554 --> 00:24:33,682
- Yeah, it makes me sick.
- You know what?
589
00:24:33,723 --> 00:24:37,185
If I were allergic to dairy,
I think I'd kill myself.
590
00:24:37,227 --> 00:24:40,522
'Cause this is
way, way too good.
591
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,861
- He's in a box?
- Pam, he's in a box.
592
00:24:46,903 --> 00:24:50,448
He's downstairs in a box
on the floor near the shelves.
593
00:24:50,490 --> 00:24:51,700
- [laughs]
- I'm serious.
594
00:24:51,741 --> 00:24:54,411
Go down there
and work your magic.
595
00:24:54,452 --> 00:24:55,829
- Okay.
- Is that somebody's?
596
00:24:55,870 --> 00:24:58,957
Yeah. No, I'm saving this
for Dwight.
597
00:24:58,998 --> 00:25:00,542
Come on.
Be a team player.
598
00:25:03,336 --> 00:25:05,338
- [chuckles]
- It is good.
599
00:25:10,301 --> 00:25:11,803
Hey, where are you?
600
00:25:11,845 --> 00:25:15,473
Yeah, we were supposed
to meet here.
601
00:25:15,515 --> 00:25:17,934
[melodramatically]
What?
602
00:25:17,976 --> 00:25:20,270
Oh, my gosh!
603
00:25:20,311 --> 00:25:21,855
That ties in perfectly
604
00:25:21,896 --> 00:25:25,817
with something that Michael
was telling me earlier.
605
00:25:25,859 --> 00:25:27,819
I just don't know
what some of the people
606
00:25:27,861 --> 00:25:30,572
in, like, accounting
are gonna do.
607
00:25:30,613 --> 00:25:33,283
- It said specifically that--
- [grunts]
608
00:25:34,284 --> 00:25:35,744
[softly]
Hello?
609
00:25:35,785 --> 00:25:37,912
Hey, Jim.
Good party, huh?
610
00:25:37,954 --> 00:25:39,914
Just a little something
I...whipped up.
611
00:25:39,956 --> 00:25:41,249
You know, a little
morale boost.
612
00:25:41,291 --> 00:25:42,459
- Yeah.
- No big deal.
613
00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:43,793
Speaking of which,
I meant to tell you.
614
00:25:43,835 --> 00:25:46,046
Very impressive,
the, uh, donation
615
00:25:46,087 --> 00:25:48,298
you gave to Oscar's charity.
What was that, 25 bucks?
616
00:25:48,340 --> 00:25:50,300
Yeah, well, you know,
617
00:25:50,342 --> 00:25:52,344
money isn't everything, Jim.
618
00:25:52,385 --> 00:25:54,095
It's not the key to happiness.
619
00:25:54,137 --> 00:25:55,847
You know what is?
620
00:25:55,889 --> 00:25:58,683
Joy.
You should remember that.
621
00:25:58,725 --> 00:26:01,311
Maybe give more
than $3 next time.
622
00:26:01,353 --> 00:26:03,605
Yeah, well, $3 a mile
623
00:26:03,646 --> 00:26:05,940
is gonna end up
being, like, 50 bucks.
624
00:26:05,982 --> 00:26:07,776
So... God,
625
00:26:07,817 --> 00:26:10,445
I can't even calculate
what you're gonna have to give.
626
00:26:17,410 --> 00:26:18,912
Is Oscar around?
627
00:26:18,953 --> 00:26:21,373
I just thought it was a--
kind of a flat,
628
00:26:21,414 --> 00:26:25,126
you know,
$25 one-time donation.
629
00:26:25,168 --> 00:26:27,045
I didn't think it was
a per-mile kind of deal,
630
00:26:27,087 --> 00:26:28,463
you know, so...
631
00:26:28,505 --> 00:26:30,465
Well, that's
what a walkathon is.
632
00:26:30,507 --> 00:26:31,883
- I know--
- It says it
633
00:26:31,925 --> 00:26:33,134
- right on the sheet.
- Mm-hmm.
634
00:26:33,176 --> 00:26:34,427
Look. Look at the sheet.
635
00:26:34,469 --> 00:26:36,304
It says it's however
many dollars per mile.
636
00:26:36,346 --> 00:26:38,431
Right. Got it.
Yes. So it does.
637
00:26:38,473 --> 00:26:39,599
Um...
638
00:26:39,641 --> 00:26:40,850
I just think
it's kind of cheap
639
00:26:40,892 --> 00:26:42,602
to un-donate money
to a charity.
640
00:26:42,644 --> 00:26:43,937
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
641
00:26:43,978 --> 00:26:45,647
I-I wasn't--that wasn't
what I was...
642
00:26:45,689 --> 00:26:48,233
No, it's not about the money.
643
00:26:48,274 --> 00:26:50,443
It's just...
644
00:26:50,485 --> 00:26:53,113
It's the ethics
of the thing, Oscar.
645
00:26:55,490 --> 00:26:56,950
How's your nephew?
646
00:26:56,991 --> 00:26:58,827
- Is he in good shape?
- Yeah.
647
00:26:58,868 --> 00:27:00,370
How many miles
did he do last year?
648
00:27:00,412 --> 00:27:01,579
Last year,
he walked 18 miles.
649
00:27:01,621 --> 00:27:03,289
Son of a bitch...
650
00:27:03,331 --> 00:27:05,041
That is impressive.
Good for him.
651
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:29,858
It's okay.
652
00:27:29,899 --> 00:27:31,526
I work in sales.
653
00:27:34,612 --> 00:27:36,531
- Oscar. Oscar.
- Yeah.
654
00:27:36,573 --> 00:27:38,241
- Uh, for future reference...
- Mm-hmm.
655
00:27:38,283 --> 00:27:39,576
Just think you should know
656
00:27:39,617 --> 00:27:41,578
that you should probably
make it clear
657
00:27:41,619 --> 00:27:44,164
that your nephew
is doing the walkathon
658
00:27:44,205 --> 00:27:46,875
and that he doesn't actually
have cerebral palsy, okay?
659
00:27:46,916 --> 00:27:48,626
- I never suggested it.
- No. No.
660
00:27:48,668 --> 00:27:51,212
I know you didn't intend to,
but I just got the idea.
661
00:27:51,254 --> 00:27:53,757
And I, uh--I just don't think
662
00:27:53,798 --> 00:27:56,509
it has a lot of ethical merit
663
00:27:56,551 --> 00:27:59,554
to make people think something,
you know,
664
00:27:59,596 --> 00:28:01,139
and then prey
on their emotions.
665
00:28:01,181 --> 00:28:02,891
- Michael, if I gave you--
- No. Hey.
666
00:28:02,932 --> 00:28:04,726
It's just kind of uncool, okay?
667
00:28:04,768 --> 00:28:07,228
I--just play fair, you know?
Play fair.
668
00:28:07,270 --> 00:28:08,563
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
669
00:28:08,605 --> 00:28:11,524
- Okay.
- [sighs]
670
00:28:11,566 --> 00:28:12,984
Happy birthday, Meredith.
671
00:28:13,026 --> 00:28:14,736
Read it out loud,
and say who wrote everything
672
00:28:14,778 --> 00:28:16,988
so we know whose is the best.
673
00:28:17,030 --> 00:28:20,033
"Happy Bird-Day!"
[laughter]
674
00:28:22,410 --> 00:28:24,496
"Meredith, good news:
675
00:28:24,537 --> 00:28:26,206
"you're not actually
a year older,
676
00:28:26,247 --> 00:28:29,417
because you work here,
where time stands still."
677
00:28:29,459 --> 00:28:30,960
[laughter]
678
00:28:31,002 --> 00:28:33,713
- Uh, I don't know about that.
- That was Stanley.
679
00:28:33,755 --> 00:28:36,800
"Meredith, happy birthday.
680
00:28:36,841 --> 00:28:39,386
You're the best.
Love, Pam."
681
00:28:39,427 --> 00:28:40,887
all: Aww.
682
00:28:40,929 --> 00:28:42,806
[gags]
683
00:28:42,847 --> 00:28:44,307
Thanks, downer.
[scoffs]
684
00:28:44,349 --> 00:28:46,267
This is from Michael.
685
00:28:46,309 --> 00:28:47,936
"Meredith, let's hope
686
00:28:47,977 --> 00:28:50,480
"the only downsizing
that happens to you
687
00:28:50,522 --> 00:28:53,650
is that someone
downsizes your age."
688
00:28:55,985 --> 00:28:57,487
Because of the downsizing--
689
00:28:57,529 --> 00:28:59,280
rumors.
690
00:28:59,322 --> 00:29:01,199
And because you're gettin' old.
691
00:29:01,241 --> 00:29:03,201
No, I...
692
00:29:03,243 --> 00:29:05,829
I get it.
It's funny.
693
00:29:05,870 --> 00:29:08,289
You didn't get the joke.
So... that's cool.
694
00:29:08,331 --> 00:29:11,084
That's--you know what?
Actually, I have, uh,
695
00:29:11,126 --> 00:29:13,920
a bunch of these... good ones
that I didn't use.
696
00:29:13,962 --> 00:29:16,965
Um... oh, where's that, uh...
697
00:29:17,007 --> 00:29:19,426
Oh, okay.
Here's a good one.
698
00:29:19,467 --> 00:29:20,844
"Hey, Meredith,
Liz Taylor called.
699
00:29:20,885 --> 00:29:23,763
She wants her age back
and her divorces back."
700
00:29:23,805 --> 00:29:25,640
'Cause Meredith's
been divorced, like, twice?
701
00:29:25,682 --> 00:29:27,851
- Is that right?
- Oh, yeah. You're right.
702
00:29:27,892 --> 00:29:30,311
- Did I get that right? Okay.
- Right. Yes.
703
00:29:30,353 --> 00:29:32,981
Divorce.
704
00:29:33,023 --> 00:29:35,150
Um... oh, okay.
705
00:29:35,191 --> 00:29:37,318
"Meredith is so old..."
706
00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:40,196
- How old is she?
- If everybody could do it.
707
00:29:40,238 --> 00:29:43,199
"Meredith is so old..."
all: How old is she?
708
00:29:43,241 --> 00:29:45,744
"She's so old, she went
into an antique store
709
00:29:45,785 --> 00:29:47,537
and they kept her."
710
00:29:51,875 --> 00:29:53,126
Well, that wasn't even mine.
711
00:29:53,168 --> 00:29:55,337
I got that off the internet website,
712
00:29:55,378 --> 00:29:57,464
so don't get mad at me.
713
00:29:57,505 --> 00:29:59,257
"What's the difference
between Meredith
714
00:29:59,299 --> 00:30:00,967
"and Michael Jackson?
715
00:30:01,009 --> 00:30:04,137
Michael Jackson's surgery
was unnecessary."
716
00:30:05,722 --> 00:30:07,766
Are you talking
about my hysterectomy?
717
00:30:07,807 --> 00:30:09,351
Yes! Thank you!
718
00:30:09,392 --> 00:30:11,227
God, she gets it!
719
00:30:11,269 --> 00:30:13,104
[chuckles]
720
00:30:13,146 --> 00:30:14,981
Can we--we just
pick the best one, right?
721
00:30:15,023 --> 00:30:16,983
- [whispering] I am so sorry.
- Just cut it?
722
00:30:17,025 --> 00:30:19,027
It's okay.
Don't feel bad.
723
00:30:19,069 --> 00:30:20,904
Oh, come on!
It was a joke.
724
00:30:20,945 --> 00:30:23,031
You know, no.
No, no.
725
00:30:23,073 --> 00:30:25,033
Come on. No.
Don't comfort...
726
00:30:25,075 --> 00:30:27,285
Don't--don't comfort her.
That's not--
727
00:30:27,327 --> 00:30:28,703
she doesn't need comforting.
728
00:30:28,745 --> 00:30:31,873
This is a roast.
We're just joking around.
729
00:30:31,915 --> 00:30:34,542
I think she's--no.
That's very unprofessional.
730
00:30:34,584 --> 00:30:37,087
I think she's being
very unprofessional over there.
731
00:30:37,128 --> 00:30:38,338
That's not...
732
00:30:38,380 --> 00:30:39,756
Nice party, Michael.
733
00:30:39,798 --> 00:30:41,591
This isn't my fault.
734
00:30:43,134 --> 00:30:45,553
Um, ladies,
not your best effort.
735
00:30:45,595 --> 00:30:47,138
Streamers?
736
00:30:47,180 --> 00:30:48,807
I think we could've done
better than that,
737
00:30:48,848 --> 00:30:50,892
- don't you think?
- Phyllis wanted red.
738
00:30:50,934 --> 00:30:54,062
- I didn't.
- Oh, boy. You...
739
00:30:54,104 --> 00:30:55,897
Okay, wait.
All right, people.
740
00:30:55,939 --> 00:30:58,024
Hold on. Hold on.
Hold on just a second, okay?
741
00:30:58,066 --> 00:30:59,150
I think we're losing sight
742
00:30:59,192 --> 00:31:01,027
of what is
really important here.
743
00:31:01,069 --> 00:31:04,155
And that is that we are...
744
00:31:04,197 --> 00:31:06,574
a group of people
745
00:31:06,616 --> 00:31:08,910
who work together.
746
00:31:08,952 --> 00:31:11,913
I was--I really wasn't
gonna flaunt this.
747
00:31:11,955 --> 00:31:14,207
I have made
a very sizeable donation
748
00:31:14,249 --> 00:31:18,253
to Oscar's nephew's...
749
00:31:18,294 --> 00:31:20,672
walkathon.
750
00:31:20,714 --> 00:31:22,048
$25.
751
00:31:22,090 --> 00:31:24,384
- Per mile.
- Per mile, yes.
752
00:31:24,426 --> 00:31:27,595
And I have in my wallet...
753
00:31:27,637 --> 00:31:30,807
[exhales heavily]
Okay, 25 times 18,
754
00:31:30,849 --> 00:31:33,268
which'll--I have $200.
755
00:31:33,309 --> 00:31:35,395
- That's not even half.
- I know it isn't.
756
00:31:35,437 --> 00:31:38,023
When I retire, I...
757
00:31:38,064 --> 00:31:41,359
I don't want to just disappear
to an island somewhere.
758
00:31:41,401 --> 00:31:43,695
I want to be the guy
who gives everything back.
759
00:31:43,737 --> 00:31:46,281
A check for the kids
760
00:31:46,322 --> 00:31:47,657
and for the team.
761
00:31:47,699 --> 00:31:48,950
I want it to be like,
762
00:31:48,992 --> 00:31:52,454
"Hey, who donated
that hospital wing
763
00:31:52,495 --> 00:31:54,205
that is saving so many lives?"
764
00:31:54,247 --> 00:31:56,875
"Um, well, I don't--
I don't know.
765
00:31:56,916 --> 00:31:58,877
It was anonymous."
766
00:31:58,918 --> 00:32:00,920
"Well, guess what.
767
00:32:00,962 --> 00:32:03,423
That was Michael Scott."
768
00:32:03,465 --> 00:32:05,717
"But, uh, it was anonymous.
769
00:32:05,759 --> 00:32:07,344
How do you know?"
770
00:32:08,970 --> 00:32:11,973
"Because I'm him."
771
00:32:12,015 --> 00:32:13,725
Thank you, Michael.
772
00:32:16,186 --> 00:32:18,021
Come here.
773
00:32:18,063 --> 00:32:20,690
Don't cash that
till Friday, okay?
774
00:32:22,275 --> 00:32:24,319
Okay.
775
00:32:24,361 --> 00:32:25,737
Thank you.
776
00:32:25,779 --> 00:32:27,906
[whispering] Smile, Michael.
Why isn't he smiling?
777
00:32:27,947 --> 00:32:30,033
He needs to smile.
Smile, Michael.
778
00:32:30,075 --> 00:32:31,826
Smile.
Big smile.
779
00:32:31,868 --> 00:32:34,037
Big smile, Michael.
780
00:32:34,079 --> 00:32:35,747
- Really? Today?
- Yeah.
781
00:32:35,789 --> 00:32:38,708
- Oh. Happy birthday.
- Thanks.
782
00:32:38,750 --> 00:32:40,752
- I could say something--
- Don't do that.
783
00:32:40,794 --> 00:32:42,128
All right.
784
00:32:42,170 --> 00:32:44,589
[door bangs]
785
00:32:44,631 --> 00:32:47,926
[sighs, clears throat]
786
00:32:47,967 --> 00:32:49,844
I'm only gonna
ask you this once.
787
00:32:49,886 --> 00:32:52,013
Are you part of an alliance?
788
00:32:52,055 --> 00:32:54,766
- What?
- [chuckles]
789
00:32:54,808 --> 00:32:56,393
Well played.
790
00:33:02,315 --> 00:33:04,025
Okay, okay,
I have something
791
00:33:04,067 --> 00:33:06,027
that totally tops the box.
792
00:33:06,069 --> 00:33:07,529
- Oh, tell me. Tell me.
- Okay.
793
00:33:07,570 --> 00:33:09,030
I have just convinced Dwight
794
00:33:09,072 --> 00:33:11,491
that he needs
to go to Stamford
795
00:33:11,533 --> 00:33:14,077
and spy on our other branch.
No, no, no, no.
796
00:33:14,119 --> 00:33:16,121
But before he does so,
I told him that
797
00:33:16,162 --> 00:33:18,707
he should dye his hair
to go undercover.
798
00:33:18,748 --> 00:33:20,041
Oh, that's perfect.
799
00:33:20,083 --> 00:33:22,043
If we can get him
to drive to Connecticut
800
00:33:22,085 --> 00:33:24,045
and put peroxide in his hair--
801
00:33:24,087 --> 00:33:25,588
- [door slams]
- What the hell is this?
802
00:33:25,630 --> 00:33:26,881
What, are you trying to cop
a feel or something, Halpert?
803
00:33:26,923 --> 00:33:28,091
- No, no, no, dude. No.
- Hey, hey, hey!
804
00:33:28,133 --> 00:33:29,134
No, dude, I was just--
Listen. Whoa.
805
00:33:29,175 --> 00:33:30,427
- Come on.
- God, I don't even--
806
00:33:30,468 --> 00:33:32,178
I don't even know
how to explain this.
807
00:33:32,220 --> 00:33:34,180
Um, uh...
808
00:33:34,222 --> 00:33:36,057
Dwight asked me
to be in an alliance.
809
00:33:36,099 --> 00:33:38,309
[chuckles dryly]
And then, um...
810
00:33:38,351 --> 00:33:40,020
um, we were--
811
00:33:40,061 --> 00:33:41,771
we've just been
messing with him,
812
00:33:41,813 --> 00:33:44,107
uh, because of the whole
alliance thing.
813
00:33:44,149 --> 00:33:46,067
- Um...
- It's just office pranks.
814
00:33:46,109 --> 00:33:47,902
It's stupid.
It's just office pranks.
815
00:33:47,944 --> 00:33:49,863
An alliance? What the hell's
he talking about?
816
00:33:51,197 --> 00:33:53,783
I have absolutely no idea.
817
00:33:55,827 --> 00:33:57,120
Come on.
818
00:34:02,417 --> 00:34:04,461
Do I feel bad
about betraying Jim?
819
00:34:04,502 --> 00:34:06,880
Not... at...all.
820
00:34:06,921 --> 00:34:08,423
That's the game.
821
00:34:08,465 --> 00:34:10,050
Convince him
we're in an alliance,
822
00:34:10,091 --> 00:34:12,594
get some information,
throw him to the wolves.
823
00:34:12,635 --> 00:34:14,095
That's politics, baby.
824
00:34:14,137 --> 00:34:15,972
Get what you can
out of someone,
825
00:34:16,014 --> 00:34:17,682
then crush them.
826
00:34:17,724 --> 00:34:20,185
I think Jim might have learned
a very valuable lesson.
827
00:34:20,226 --> 00:34:22,103
What lesson was that, Dwight?
828
00:34:27,233 --> 00:34:29,402
He's not supposed
to be in here.
58861
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
