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1
00:01:03,601 --> 00:01:07,161
This is an 505 distress call
from the mining ship Red Dwarf.
2
00:01:07,241 --> 00:01:10,201
The crew are dead
killed by a radiation leak.
3
00:01:10,281 --> 00:01:12,081
The only survivors were Dave Lister,
4
00:01:12,161 --> 00:01:14,881
who was in suspended animation
during the disaster,
5
00:01:14,961 --> 00:01:17,921
and his pregnant cat,
who was safely sealed in the hold.
6
00:01:18,001 --> 00:01:19,961
Revived three million years later,
7
00:01:20,041 --> 00:01:23,801
Lister's only companions are
a life form who evolved from his cat
8
00:01:23,881 --> 00:01:27,881
and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation
of one of the dead crew.
9
00:01:29,281 --> 00:01:31,281
The most interesting event
that happened recently
10
00:01:31,361 --> 00:01:33,801
was that Lister pretended
he 'd passed the chef's exam,
11
00:01:33,881 --> 00:01:35,401
although really he 'a' failed.
12
00:01:35,481 --> 00:01:39,761
That gives you some idea of how truly
exciting some days can be around here.
13
00:01:43,281 --> 00:01:46,081
Holly, give me access
to the crew's confidential reports.
14
00:01:46,441 --> 00:01:48,841
Those are for the
Captain's eyes only, Arnold.
15
00:01:49,161 --> 00:01:51,601
Fine. We'll give him ten seconds
to come back from the dead
16
00:01:51,681 --> 00:01:54,201
and if he hasn't managed it,
we'll presume I'm in charge, yeah?
17
00:01:56,841 --> 00:02:00,001
- No. He hasn't managed it.
- Whose do you want?
18
00:02:00,361 --> 00:02:03,521
Give me... Give me Lister's.
Just the remarks.
19
00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:06,281
David Lister, Technician, third class.
20
00:02:06,761 --> 00:02:10,521
Captain 's remarks. ”Has requested
sick leave due to diarrhoea
21
00:02:10,601 --> 00:02:12,801
”on no less than 500 occasions.
22
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:17,561
”Left his previous job as a supermarket
trolley attendant after ten years
23
00:02:17,641 --> 00:02:20,521
”because he didn't want
to get tied down to a career.
24
00:02:21,041 --> 00:02:23,201
”Promotion prospects, zero. ”
25
00:02:23,361 --> 00:02:25,321
I always liked Captain Hollister.
26
00:02:25,401 --> 00:02:27,681
Such a great reader of men
was Captain Hollister.
27
00:02:27,761 --> 00:02:31,361
A marvellous, marvellous man
and a tragic loss to us all.
28
00:02:31,841 --> 00:02:34,121
All right, Holly.
Give me... Give me mine.
29
00:02:34,401 --> 00:02:37,201
Arnold Rimmer, Technician, second class.
30
00:02:37,281 --> 00:02:40,201
Captain 's remarks.
”There 's a saying amongst the officers,
31
00:02:40,281 --> 00:02:42,721
”if a job '5 worth doing,
it's worth doing well.
32
00:02:43,081 --> 00:02:45,321
”If it's not worth doing,
give it to Rimmer.
33
00:02:45,401 --> 00:02:47,201
”He aches for responsibility,
34
00:02:47,321 --> 00:02:48,937
”but constantly fails
the engineering exam. ”
35
00:02:48,961 --> 00:02:51,641
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Holly, Holly. I want my report.
36
00:02:51,721 --> 00:02:53,561
Rimmer. Two Ms, E, R.
37
00:02:53,641 --> 00:02:56,161
”Astoundingly zealous. Possibly mad.
38
00:02:56,241 --> 00:02:59,121
”Probabl y has more teeth
than brain cells.
39
00:02:59,201 --> 00:03:01,041
”Promotion prospects, comical. ”
40
00:03:01,121 --> 00:03:02,881
No, no, no, Holly. I want Rimmer.
41
00:03:02,961 --> 00:03:04,921
That's two Rs,
one at the front, one at the back.
42
00:03:05,001 --> 00:03:06,801
Arnold, this is your report.
43
00:03:07,481 --> 00:03:10,201
I always hated that pus-head Hollister.
44
00:03:10,281 --> 00:03:11,921
He always resented my popularity.
45
00:03:12,001 --> 00:03:14,121
That's why he never
put forward my proposal
46
00:03:14,201 --> 00:03:16,841
to reduce the minimum haircut length
by an eighth of an inch.
47
00:03:16,921 --> 00:03:19,281
Small-minded, petty-thinking modo.
48
00:03:19,361 --> 00:03:22,081
Arnold, I 'm picking up
an unidentified object.
49
00:03:22,161 --> 00:03:26,721
Constantly fails the exam?
I'd hardly call 11 times constantly.
50
00:03:26,801 --> 00:03:29,281
I mean, if you eat roast beef
11 times in your life,
51
00:03:29,361 --> 00:03:32,481
one would hardly say that person
constantly eats roast beef.
52
00:03:33,041 --> 00:03:35,961
No. It would be a rare,
nay, freak occurrence.
53
00:03:36,241 --> 00:03:38,921
Possibly mad?
What is he drivelling about?
54
00:03:39,001 --> 00:03:40,761
- It's on the screen, Arnold.
- What is?
55
00:03:40,841 --> 00:03:42,361
- The U0.
- What is it?
56
00:03:42,441 --> 00:03:43,481
I don 't know.
57
00:03:43,561 --> 00:03:45,697
You'd better find out, hadn't you?
It's obviously beyond me.
58
00:03:45,721 --> 00:03:48,041
I've got more teeth
than brain cells, remember?
59
00:03:49,961 --> 00:03:51,441
Yes, you have.
60
00:04:09,481 --> 00:04:11,841
- Would you like some toast?
- Uh-uh.
61
00:04:11,921 --> 00:04:14,281
Some nice, hot,
crisp, brown, buttered toast?
62
00:04:14,361 --> 00:04:15,401
Uh-uh!
63
00:04:15,481 --> 00:04:17,641
- You don"t want any toast, than?
- No.
64
00:04:17,721 --> 00:04:19,361
- What about a muffin?
- Nothing.
65
00:04:20,161 --> 00:04:21,457
You know the last time you had toast?
66
00:04:21,481 --> 00:04:24,561
Eighteen days ago.
77:36, Tuesday the 3rd.
67
00:04:24,641 --> 00:04:25,961
- Two rounds.
- Sh h!
68
00:04:26,041 --> 00:04:29,321
I mean, what's the point of buying
a toaster with artificial intelligence
69
00:04:29,401 --> 00:04:30,681
if you don 't like toast?
70
00:04:30,761 --> 00:04:34,601
- I do like toast.
- I mean, this is m y job.
71
00:04:34,681 --> 00:04:37,361
- This is cruel. This is just cruel.
- Look, I'm busy.
72
00:04:37,441 --> 00:04:39,961
Oh, you 're not busy
eating toast, are you?
73
00:04:40,041 --> 00:04:41,681
I don't want any!
74
00:04:41,761 --> 00:04:43,801
I mean, the whole purpose
of my existence
75
00:04:43,881 --> 00:04:46,681
is to serve you with hot, buttered
scrummy toast.
76
00:04:46,761 --> 00:04:49,761
If you don 't want any,
then my existence is meaningless.
77
00:04:49,841 --> 00:04:53,441
- Good.
- I toast, therefore I am.
78
00:04:53,521 --> 00:04:55,161
Will you shut up?
79
00:04:59,441 --> 00:05:01,281
What are you doing?
80
00:05:01,361 --> 00:05:03,361
- I'm reading.
- What, with your nose?
81
00:05:03,441 --> 00:05:06,521
Yeah. It's a cat book.
They don't use marks, they use smells.
82
00:05:06,601 --> 00:05:07,817
You run your nose along the line
83
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:09,337
and all the different smells
are released.
84
00:05:09,361 --> 00:05:12,001
- It's really good.
- What a pathetic idea.
85
00:05:12,081 --> 00:05:14,721
Well, unlike you, Rimmer,
my mind is open to new cultures,
86
00:05:14,801 --> 00:05:17,041
new ways of looking at and doing things.
87
00:05:17,401 --> 00:05:19,801
- And what does It saw
- It says,
88
00:05:19,881 --> 00:05:22,001
"See Dick run.
89
00:05:22,081 --> 00:05:24,321
"Run, Dick, run.
90
00:05:24,681 --> 00:05:27,321
"Run home, Dick."
91
00:05:28,761 --> 00:05:31,881
That's the cat equivalent
of Shakespeare, is it?
92
00:05:32,281 --> 00:05:33,961
Shakespeare? Who's Shakespeare?
93
00:05:34,041 --> 00:05:37,241
You moron. A playwright
in the olden days. Wilfred Shakespeare.
94
00:05:39,361 --> 00:05:43,041
I'm only just starting out. This is for
three-year-olds, so you should try it.
95
00:05:43,121 --> 00:05:44,417
I'm not the slightest bit interested
96
00:05:44,441 --> 00:05:46,801
in smelling anything cats have to say,
thank you, Lister.
97
00:05:46,881 --> 00:05:48,721
You don't know what you're missing.
98
00:05:48,801 --> 00:05:51,321
Rimmer, there's this brilliant one
where Dick buys this ball,
99
00:05:51,401 --> 00:05:55,521
this big ball, this big red ball.
It's amazing stuff.
100
00:05:56,801 --> 00:05:58,881
You ought to try reading
your shirt sometime, Lister.
101
00:05:58,961 --> 00:06:01,201
It's probably a novel by Victor Hugo.
102
00:06:01,841 --> 00:06:05,761
Anyway, if you're interested,
Holly's spotted... Is that my shirt?
103
00:06:05,841 --> 00:06:08,761
- Yeah. I borrowed it.
- What's that down the front?
104
00:06:08,841 --> 00:06:12,281
That's definitely biscuit.
Erm, that's custard.
105
00:06:12,361 --> 00:06:14,921
That's definitely ink,
and just general sort of dirty marks.
106
00:06:15,001 --> 00:06:17,081
You can't just go through
my possessions!
107
00:06:17,161 --> 00:06:19,681
- Come on, you don't need them any more.
- Because I'm dead?
108
00:06:19,761 --> 00:06:23,081
Yeah. You're a hologram
and holograms don't need clothes.
109
00:06:23,161 --> 00:06:24,521
They're my things, Lister!
110
00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:27,641
Would you steal verruca cream
from a man with no feet?
111
00:06:28,561 --> 00:06:30,457
I mean, how would you like it
if I stole your T-shirt,
112
00:06:30,481 --> 00:06:32,921
your favourite one
with the custard stains down the front?
113
00:06:33,001 --> 00:06:34,041
I wouldn't care.
114
00:06:34,881 --> 00:06:36,681
You've got no right
to go through my wardrobe.
115
00:06:36,841 --> 00:06:38,201
Okay, okay.
116
00:06:39,481 --> 00:06:41,921
You keep your underpants
on coat hangers, don't you?
117
00:06:43,401 --> 00:06:44,521
That's private!
118
00:06:45,361 --> 00:06:48,081
Okay, Rimmer, okay. Take the shirt back.
119
00:06:48,161 --> 00:06:50,681
I don't want it. It's ruined.
You've sweated in it.
120
00:06:50,761 --> 00:06:52,937
Well, if you don't want the shirt,
what do you want, Rimmer?
121
00:06:52,961 --> 00:06:54,337
Just keep out of my things, all right?
122
00:06:54,361 --> 00:06:57,481
- Okay, okay. What's Holly spotted?
- An unidentified object.
123
00:06:57,561 --> 00:06:59,801
- You mean a rock.
- It might not be.
124
00:06:59,881 --> 00:07:01,161
They're always rocks.
125
00:07:01,241 --> 00:07:03,681
Mostly they're rocks, I agree,
but maybe this one's different.
126
00:07:03,721 --> 00:07:05,681
Rimmer, there's nothing
out there, you know.
127
00:07:05,761 --> 00:07:06,961
There's nobody out there.
128
00:07:07,041 --> 00:07:10,161
No alien monsters, no Zargon warships,
129
00:07:10,241 --> 00:07:12,641
no beautiful blondes
with beehive hairdos,
130
00:07:12,721 --> 00:07:16,121
who say, "Show me some more of this
Earth thing called kissing."
131
00:07:16,201 --> 00:07:18,161
There's just you, me, the Cat
132
00:07:18,241 --> 00:07:22,201
and a lot of floating,
smegging rocks. That's it. Fin/to.
133
00:07:22,281 --> 00:07:24,817
Lister, if there's no one out there,
what's the point in existence?
134
00:07:24,841 --> 00:07:27,801
- Why are we here?
- Beats me. You want some toast?
135
00:07:30,001 --> 00:07:33,521
Arnold, the unidentified object
is now in Visual range.
136
00:07:33,841 --> 00:07:35,561
All right, Holly. I'm on my way.
137
00:07:44,521 --> 00:07:47,961
Ow! Nice jump. Hey!
138
00:07:48,041 --> 00:07:51,321
Smooth with a capital smoo.
139
00:07:51,401 --> 00:07:54,161
Okay, time to get out the food detector.
140
00:07:57,001 --> 00:07:58,921
Food! This way.
141
00:07:59,001 --> 00:08:01,201
Ow! Ooh!
142
00:08:01,881 --> 00:08:04,841
Yeah, yeah! This way.
143
00:08:06,401 --> 00:08:09,561
This way! Yeah!
144
00:08:10,921 --> 00:08:13,361
Ah, you. Where have you been?
145
00:08:13,441 --> 00:08:16,401
Investigating.
Investigating this, investigating that.
146
00:08:16,481 --> 00:08:17,961
General investigation.
147
00:08:18,041 --> 00:08:19,561
- General investigation, eh?
- Yeah.
148
00:08:19,641 --> 00:08:22,361
- Ah, splendid!
- Thank you.
149
00:08:22,441 --> 00:08:24,121
- Keep it up.
- Okay.
150
00:08:24,601 --> 00:08:26,321
Fine. Well, uh,
if you'll just excuse me...
151
00:08:26,401 --> 00:08:28,161
Hey! You can't have my shiny thing!
152
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:30,081
I found it. It's my shiny thing.
153
00:08:30,361 --> 00:08:32,601
What are you drivelling about?
154
00:08:32,881 --> 00:08:35,961
This is my shiny thing.
155
00:08:36,041 --> 00:08:38,281
And if you try and take it off me,
I may have to eat you.
156
00:08:38,321 --> 00:08:40,241
It's a yo-yo, you modo.
157
00:08:40,801 --> 00:08:42,561
It does two amazing things.
158
00:08:42,641 --> 00:08:45,961
One, you have the shiny thing at the top
and the string down below,
159
00:08:46,041 --> 00:08:49,441
or, and this is the clever part,
you have the string at the top
160
00:08:49,521 --> 00:08:51,961
and shiny thing down here
where the string used to be.
161
00:08:54,921 --> 00:08:57,201
Hey, hey! Ow!
162
00:08:59,441 --> 00:09:01,257
You haven't the slightest clue
what it's for, do you?
163
00:09:01,281 --> 00:09:03,001
Why, sure I do, grease stain.
164
00:09:03,121 --> 00:09:05,041
You hold the shiny thing in one hand
165
00:09:05,121 --> 00:09:07,401
and you go... Ow!
166
00:09:07,481 --> 00:09:09,161
The string's moving!
167
00:09:09,241 --> 00:09:13,041
Hey! Stop that string!
Catch that string!
168
00:09:13,121 --> 00:09:14,121
Ow!
169
00:09:16,521 --> 00:09:19,561
- Where is it?
- It's in scoop range, Arnold.
170
00:09:19,641 --> 00:09:22,961
It's a pod! Holly, bring it in!
171
00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:31,841
Yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm back!
Feeling good! Feed me.
172
00:09:31,921 --> 00:09:34,801
Cat, hi. I haven't seen you for ages.
Where have you been?
173
00:09:34,881 --> 00:09:37,961
- Investigating.
- Got you some crispies.
174
00:09:38,041 --> 00:09:40,041
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
175
00:09:40,481 --> 00:09:42,161
I read that book you gave me, you know.
176
00:09:42,241 --> 00:09:44,081
It's got a brilliant ending, I could...
177
00:09:44,161 --> 00:09:45,841
I could hardly believe me nose.
178
00:09:45,921 --> 00:09:48,921
Forget that. Got you this.
The one you asked about.
179
00:09:49,001 --> 00:09:51,601
- The Holy Book.
- Oh, great!
180
00:09:57,201 --> 00:10:00,601
- Hey, pictures!
- Yeah. That's a cat thing.
181
00:10:00,681 --> 00:10:03,521
You see, sometimes in a book,
we have a drawing of something
182
00:10:03,601 --> 00:10:06,201
that is happening in the story
and we call them pictures.
183
00:10:06,281 --> 00:10:07,961
Yeah, yeah. We have pictures, too.
184
00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:10,161
Then you monkeys are
smarter than I thought.
185
00:10:11,081 --> 00:10:14,521
- This is me!
- No. That's not you. That's Cloister.
186
00:10:14,601 --> 00:10:16,081
He was the father of the cat people.
187
00:10:16,161 --> 00:10:18,241
He lived years ago, at the beginning.
188
00:10:19,161 --> 00:10:21,161
- Who's that?
- That's him frozen in time.
189
00:10:21,241 --> 00:10:25,161
No. That's me. I was sent to stasis.
That's what frozen in time is.
190
00:10:25,241 --> 00:10:26,801
He did that to save Frankenstein.
191
00:10:26,881 --> 00:10:29,321
Look, Frankenstein was my pet cat!
192
00:10:29,401 --> 00:10:33,241
Look, Lister, Cloister.
Cloister, Lister! See?
193
00:10:33,321 --> 00:10:37,481
Listen, you stupid monkey,
Cloister's another name for... For God!
194
00:10:37,561 --> 00:10:41,361
That's what I'm saying. I am your God.
195
00:10:46,001 --> 00:10:49,041
Okay. Turn this into a woman.
196
00:10:51,081 --> 00:10:53,201
- I'm serious.
- So am I!
197
00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:56,401
Look, Frankenstein was
my pet cat, right?
198
00:10:56,481 --> 00:10:57,721
And she was pregnant.
199
00:10:57,801 --> 00:10:59,841
Now I got put into suspended animation.
200
00:10:59,921 --> 00:11:01,561
I was supposed to be there for 18 months
201
00:11:01,641 --> 00:11:03,721
but I didn't get out
for three million years.
202
00:11:03,801 --> 00:11:06,921
- You oversleep? So do I.
- No!
203
00:11:07,001 --> 00:11:09,641
What I'm saying is that
over those three million years,
204
00:11:09,721 --> 00:11:13,601
your entire race of people
evolved from my pet cat.
205
00:11:13,681 --> 00:11:17,961
Ah, I gotta go now, man,
but let's do lunch some time.
206
00:11:18,041 --> 00:11:21,441
I'll put it in my diary,
"12:30, lunch with God."
207
00:11:22,481 --> 00:11:25,361
And, formal dress,
you know what I'm saying?
208
00:11:25,441 --> 00:11:27,001
- It Is true, you know.
- Yeah?
209
00:11:27,081 --> 00:11:29,321
Then I've got to ask you
the ultimate question,
210
00:11:29,401 --> 00:11:31,921
if you're God, why that face?
211
00:11:33,681 --> 00:11:36,041
- What's wrong with me face?
- What's wrong with your face?
212
00:11:36,121 --> 00:11:39,401
It's upside down and inside out,
that's what's wrong with it.
213
00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:41,001
Ow!
214
00:11:41,721 --> 00:11:43,361
- Holly?
- Yes, Dave?
215
00:11:43,441 --> 00:11:47,041
If I give you my cat dictionary,
can you translate this for me?
216
00:11:47,121 --> 00:11:48,601
I '11 give it a go, Dave.
217
00:11:48,681 --> 00:11:50,721
Why are you always asking him?
I '11 do it.
218
00:11:51,321 --> 00:11:54,641
- You're a toaster.
- Yeah, I was thinking of packing it in.
219
00:11:54,721 --> 00:11:56,841
It's turning me into
something I don 't like.
220
00:11:56,921 --> 00:11:58,721
I 'm not a moaner by nature, you know.
221
00:11:58,801 --> 00:12:00,521
No. By nature, you're a toaster.
222
00:12:00,601 --> 00:12:02,961
Yeah, it just strikes me
there might be something more,
223
00:12:03,041 --> 00:12:06,521
something greater,
something unimaginably more splendid
224
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:08,321
than flea ting bread.
225
00:12:09,681 --> 00:12:11,321
Lister, it's arrived!
226
00:12:11,401 --> 00:12:13,401
- What has?
- The U0! It's a pod!
227
00:12:13,481 --> 00:12:14,761
- Where?
- The observation room.
228
00:12:14,841 --> 00:12:17,481
- Yes!
- No point In running, Lister.
229
00:12:17,561 --> 00:12:21,001
It's mine. I found it. I've got bagsies.
230
00:12:22,161 --> 00:12:24,321
He's such a child, that boy.
231
00:12:27,241 --> 00:12:29,481
- Is it safe, Holly?
- Yes, Dave.
232
00:12:30,961 --> 00:12:33,761
Lister, no point in running.
I found it and it's mine.
233
00:12:33,841 --> 00:12:37,001
Calm down. Dead people can have
heart attacks, too, you know.
234
00:12:37,081 --> 00:12:38,121
What is it?
235
00:12:38,201 --> 00:12:40,177
I don't know, it's obviously
some sort of alien capsule.
236
00:12:40,201 --> 00:12:42,881
And clearly they're intelligent, Lister.
237
00:12:42,961 --> 00:12:47,841
The chance to meet an intelligent life
form after 18 weeks alone with you...
238
00:12:47,921 --> 00:12:50,961
Okay, Mr Intelligence,
what are those markings?
239
00:12:51,521 --> 00:12:54,561
I don't know.
I don't speak alien, you gimboid.
240
00:12:56,041 --> 00:12:57,121
Ah...
241
00:12:58,561 --> 00:12:59,721
What are you doing, Lister?
242
00:12:59,801 --> 00:13:01,801
We don't know if it's safe.
It's quarantined!
243
00:13:01,881 --> 00:13:05,721
You might get some
squiggly slimy thing stuck to your face!
244
00:13:05,801 --> 00:13:07,881
Of course it's safe.
Come in. Come on, come in...
245
00:13:18,801 --> 00:13:23,081
Ha-ha-ha, tee-hee. All right, Lister.
We'll play it your way.
246
00:13:23,161 --> 00:13:24,617
But don't think
you're coming out of there.
247
00:13:24,641 --> 00:13:26,681
You're in there for a month.
You're in quarantine.
248
00:13:26,761 --> 00:13:28,761
What did you say, Rimmer?
249
00:13:29,561 --> 00:13:31,561
Why do you never do what I tell you, eh?
250
00:13:31,641 --> 00:13:34,217
Don't you think there's a shining
good reason why I'm your superior?
251
00:13:34,241 --> 00:13:35,577
Yeah. You've been with the company
252
00:13:35,601 --> 00:13:36,921
- for 15 years.
- No, it's not.
253
00:13:37,001 --> 00:13:38,497
And I've been with them
for eight months.
254
00:13:38,521 --> 00:13:40,721
No, it's not. It's because
I'm better than you.
255
00:13:40,801 --> 00:13:43,601
Better trained,
better equipped, better...
256
00:13:44,361 --> 00:13:47,241
Better. Just, just better.
257
00:13:47,321 --> 00:13:49,417
That must mean the rest
of the crew are better than you, then.
258
00:13:49,441 --> 00:13:51,241
No, it doesn't. It means...
259
00:13:51,401 --> 00:13:52,897
I'm not going to let you
bait me, Lister.
260
00:13:52,921 --> 00:13:53,961
This is far too important.
261
00:13:54,001 --> 00:13:55,761
Just you wait here,
keep that door closed
262
00:13:55,841 --> 00:13:58,681
till I get back with the skutters. Tyke.
263
00:14:02,721 --> 00:14:05,161
Oh, Rimmer's such a smeghead, man.
264
00:14:07,961 --> 00:14:09,801
Hang on a minute.
265
00:14:12,281 --> 00:14:13,921
Give me an R.
266
00:14:14,841 --> 00:14:16,281
Give me an E.
267
00:14:17,201 --> 00:14:18,601
Give me a D.
268
00:14:19,361 --> 00:14:22,361
Give me a Red Dwarfgarbage pod!
269
00:14:24,561 --> 00:14:28,241
Holly! Did Rimmer never work
in waste disposal?
270
00:14:28,321 --> 00:14:30,041
No, Dave.
271
00:14:30,121 --> 00:14:32,201
It's one of our Red Dwarfgarbage pods
272
00:14:32,281 --> 00:14:34,521
with, like, the writing
burnt off in places.
273
00:14:34,601 --> 00:14:37,841
- Why didn't you tell him?
- Well, it's a laugh, innit?
274
00:14:42,841 --> 00:14:46,081
After
intensive investigation, comma,
275
00:14:46,161 --> 00:14:49,641
of the markings on the alien pod comma,
276
00:14:49,721 --> 00:14:52,321
it has become clear, comma,
277
00:14:52,401 --> 00:14:56,121
to me, comma,
that we are dealing, comma,
278
00:14:56,201 --> 00:14:59,801
with a species of
awesome intellect, colon.
279
00:14:59,881 --> 00:15:01,321
Good. Perhaps they might be able
280
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:03,801
to give you a hand
with your punctuation.
281
00:15:03,881 --> 00:15:05,641
Shut up.
282
00:15:11,721 --> 00:15:12,921
Lights.
283
00:15:15,161 --> 00:15:18,161
Lister, are you awake? Lister?
284
00:15:18,841 --> 00:15:20,041
Lister?
285
00:15:21,281 --> 00:15:22,921
Lister!
286
00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:26,241
- Are you awake?
- Yeah, yeah.
287
00:15:26,601 --> 00:15:28,841
Yeah, I couldn't sleep, either.
288
00:15:29,161 --> 00:15:31,441
- It's the excitement.
- What excitement?
289
00:15:31,521 --> 00:15:34,121
- The alien excitement!
- Rimmer, it's garbage.
290
00:15:34,721 --> 00:15:36,481
You can scoff, Lister.
That's nothing new.
291
00:15:36,561 --> 00:15:38,641
They laughed at Galileo.
They laughed at Edison.
292
00:15:38,721 --> 00:15:41,201
- They laughed at Colombo.
- Who's Colombo?
293
00:15:41,281 --> 00:15:44,161
The man with the dirty mac
who discovered America.
294
00:15:45,121 --> 00:15:47,041
What makes you think these aliens exist?
295
00:15:47,801 --> 00:15:48,961
They must do, Lister.
296
00:15:49,041 --> 00:15:51,521
There's so many things
that are strange and odd.
297
00:15:51,601 --> 00:15:53,881
So many things we don't have
any explanation for.
298
00:15:54,641 --> 00:15:57,601
Like, why do intelligent people
buy cinema hot dogs?
299
00:15:57,681 --> 00:15:59,721
Do you mean that sort of
weird and mysterious thing?
300
00:15:59,801 --> 00:16:01,961
No, Lister. I mean like the pyramids.
301
00:16:02,201 --> 00:16:04,761
How did they move
such massive pieces of stone
302
00:16:04,841 --> 00:16:06,481
without the aid of modern technology?
303
00:16:06,561 --> 00:16:09,561
They had massive whips, Rimmer.
Massive, massive whips.
304
00:16:10,521 --> 00:16:12,281
All right, then.
The Bermuda Triangle.
305
00:16:12,361 --> 00:16:14,321
Go on, explain that one.
You know all the answers.
306
00:16:14,361 --> 00:16:16,561
No, I agree there.
That is a genuine mystery.
307
00:16:16,641 --> 00:16:19,681
How did a song like that
ever become a hit? It defies all reason.
308
00:16:19,761 --> 00:16:21,161
I just don't know why I bother.
309
00:16:21,241 --> 00:16:23,721
I'd get more sense
out of a squashed hedgehog.
310
00:16:23,801 --> 00:16:25,721
Lister, don't you ever stop and wonder?
311
00:16:25,801 --> 00:16:28,601
Why are we here?
What's the grand purpose?
312
00:16:29,401 --> 00:16:31,721
Why does it have to be such a big deal?
313
00:16:31,801 --> 00:16:35,761
Why can't it be, like,
humans beings are a planetary disease?
314
00:16:35,841 --> 00:16:39,681
Like the Earth's got German measles
or facial herpes, right?
315
00:16:39,761 --> 00:16:42,521
And that's why all the other planets
give us such a wide berth.
316
00:16:42,601 --> 00:16:45,201
It's like, "Oh, don't go near Earth.
It's got human beings!
317
00:16:45,281 --> 00:16:46,761
"They're contagious."
318
00:16:46,841 --> 00:16:48,041
So you're saying, Lister,
319
00:16:48,121 --> 00:16:50,921
you're an intergalactic,
pus-filled cold sore?
320
00:16:52,041 --> 00:16:54,281
At last, Lister, we agree on something.
321
00:16:55,241 --> 00:16:57,881
What do you believe in, then?
Do you believe in God?
322
00:16:57,961 --> 00:17:00,841
God? Certainly not!
What a preposterous thought!
323
00:17:00,921 --> 00:17:02,441
I believe in aliens, Lister.
324
00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:05,401
Oh, right, fine.
Something sensible at last.
325
00:17:05,881 --> 00:17:09,641
Aliens, Lister, with technology so far
in advance of our own
326
00:17:09,721 --> 00:17:11,681
we can't even begin to imagine.
327
00:17:11,761 --> 00:17:13,201
Well, that's not difficult.
328
00:17:13,281 --> 00:17:15,721
Mankind hasn't even got the technology
to create a toupee
329
00:17:15,801 --> 00:17:17,601
that doesn't get big laughs.
330
00:17:17,681 --> 00:17:20,881
Aliens, Lister,
who can give me a real body.
331
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:25,241
Oh, I can't wait to see your face
in the morning, I really can't.
332
00:17:26,001 --> 00:17:27,761
And nor I yours, Lister.
333
00:17:27,841 --> 00:17:31,401
When that pod opens and from it emerges
a beautiful alien woman
334
00:17:31,481 --> 00:17:34,081
with long green hair and six breasts.
335
00:17:36,521 --> 00:17:37,921
Six breasts?
336
00:17:38,921 --> 00:17:41,681
Imagine making love to a woman
with six breasts!
337
00:17:42,361 --> 00:17:44,641
Imagine making love to a woman.
338
00:17:53,321 --> 00:17:55,161
Good morning. How can I help you?
339
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:58,481
Buongiomo. Erm, give me breakfast.
340
00:17:58,561 --> 00:18:03,161
- What would you like?
- Er, chicken vindaloo and a milkshake.
341
00:18:03,241 --> 00:18:06,161
- What flavour milkshake?
- Erm, beer.
342
00:18:08,561 --> 00:18:11,681
Morning, Dave.
I 'Ve finished your translation.
343
00:18:11,761 --> 00:18:13,321
Who's Cloister? Is it me?
344
00:18:13,401 --> 00:18:15,601
Yes, Dave. The cats
have made you their God.
345
00:18:15,681 --> 00:18:18,481
Hey! Working-class kid makes good!
346
00:18:19,161 --> 00:18:22,921
Your plan to buy a farm on Fiji
and open up a hot dog and doughnut diner
347
00:18:23,001 --> 00:18:25,961
- has became their image of heaven-
- What?
348
00:18:26,041 --> 00:18:27,681
”And Cloister spake,
349
00:18:27,761 --> 00:18:30,121
“Lo, I shall lead you to Fuchal
350
00:18:30,201 --> 00:18:32,481
”and there we shall
open a temple of food
351
00:18:32,561 --> 00:18:35,161
“Wherein shall be sausages
and savoury doughnuts
352
00:18:35,241 --> 00:18:37,281
and all manner of bountiful things.
353
00:18:37,361 --> 00:18:40,201
”'Yea, even individual
sachets of mustard.
354
00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:44,361
“And those who serve shall
wear hats of great majesty.
355
00:18:44,441 --> 00:18:46,561
“Yea, though they be made
of coloured cardboard
356
00:18:46,641 --> 00:18:48,521
“and have humorous arrows
through the top.
357
00:18:51,001 --> 00:18:53,241
Does it say what happened
to the rest of the cats?
358
00:18:53,321 --> 00:18:55,361
Holy wars. There were thousands of years
359
00:18:55,441 --> 00:18:57,641
of fighting, Dave,
between the two factions.
360
00:18:57,721 --> 00:18:59,161
What two factions?
361
00:18:59,241 --> 00:19:01,361
The ones who believed
the hats should be red
362
00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:03,401
and the ones who believed
the hats should be blue.
363
00:19:03,881 --> 00:19:05,161
Do you mean they had a war over
364
00:19:05,241 --> 00:19:07,681
whether the doughnut
diner hats were red or blue?
365
00:19:07,761 --> 00:19:10,641
Yeah. Most of them were killed
fighting about that.
366
00:19:10,801 --> 00:19:12,001
It's daft really, innit?
367
00:19:12,161 --> 00:19:15,161
You're not kidding.
They were supposed to be green.
368
00:19:18,521 --> 00:19:19,881
Go on, Hot.
369
00:19:19,961 --> 00:19:21,441
Well, finally, they called a truce
370
00:19:21,521 --> 00:19:24,841
and built two arks and left Red Dwa rf
in search of Fuchal.
371
00:19:24,921 --> 00:19:27,361
But there's no such place
as Fuchal, it's Fiji.
372
00:19:27,441 --> 00:19:29,121
I mean, how are they
supposed to find it?
373
00:19:29,201 --> 00:19:32,441
”And Cloister gave to Frankenstein
the sacred writing saying,
374
00:19:32,521 --> 00:19:34,881
“Those who have wisdom
will know its meaning. '
375
00:19:34,961 --> 00:19:39,841
”And it was written thus,
seven socks, one shirt...
376
00:19:39,921 --> 00:19:44,961
That's my laundry list! I lined
the cat's basket with me laundry list.
377
00:19:45,041 --> 00:19:46,041
The blue hats thought
378
00:19:46,121 --> 00:19:48,521
it was a star chart
leading to the promised land.
379
00:19:48,601 --> 00:19:51,361
Well, it wasn't.
It was my dirty washing.
380
00:19:52,441 --> 00:19:54,161
What happened next, Hol?
381
00:19:54,241 --> 00:19:57,201
”And the ark that left first
followed the sacred signs,
382
00:19:57,281 --> 00:20:00,721
”and 10, they flew straight
into an asteroid.
383
00:20:00,801 --> 00:20:03,361
”And the righteous
in the second ark flew ever onward,
384
00:20:03,441 --> 00:20:05,441
”knowing they were
indeed righteous. ”
385
00:20:05,521 --> 00:20:09,121
This is terrible. Holy wars. Killing.
386
00:20:09,201 --> 00:20:13,361
They're just using religion as an excuse
to be extremely crappy to each other.
387
00:20:13,441 --> 00:20:15,161
50 what else is new?
388
00:20:16,921 --> 00:20:17,921
I'm not interested.
389
00:20:18,001 --> 00:20:20,841
And they killed each other over which
coloured card board hats to wear.
390
00:20:20,921 --> 00:20:21,921
I'm not interested.
391
00:20:22,001 --> 00:20:23,881
- Don't you think It's amazing?
- No.
392
00:20:23,961 --> 00:20:27,361
You know what happened to people
who didn't eat hotdogs on Fuchal Day?
393
00:20:27,441 --> 00:20:29,881
They were stoned to death
by stale doughnuts.
394
00:20:30,481 --> 00:20:33,281
Lister, what do you want me to say?
"Congratulations, you're God"?
395
00:20:33,361 --> 00:20:35,081
I'm talking about the suffering.
396
00:20:35,161 --> 00:20:38,321
People died. I mean, cats...
Cat people died.
397
00:20:38,881 --> 00:20:40,561
You'vejust come here
to rub my nose in it.
398
00:20:40,641 --> 00:20:41,921
I could've been God, you know,
399
00:20:42,001 --> 00:20:43,321
given a different start in life,
400
00:20:43,401 --> 00:20:45,681
given the lucky
showbiz break you had.
401
00:20:45,761 --> 00:20:48,001
I don't want to be a god,
that's the point.
402
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:51,041
Oh, vomitisation!
I don't believe it!
403
00:20:51,121 --> 00:20:54,201
"I'm God, but it's bit
of a drag, actually." Come on!
404
00:20:54,281 --> 00:20:57,241
I'm not a god!
I've just been misquoted.
405
00:20:57,761 --> 00:21:00,121
Lister, for my money,
anyone who goes around reading meaning
406
00:21:00,161 --> 00:21:02,881
into any old gobbledygook
deserves everything they get.
407
00:21:02,961 --> 00:21:06,361
I mean, if I had eight socks
on my laundry list instead of seven.
408
00:21:06,441 --> 00:21:08,841
What if I owned more than
one pair of underpants?
409
00:21:08,921 --> 00:21:10,521
They might've been safe.
410
00:21:10,601 --> 00:21:14,081
I just wish I could meet them
and explain and apologise.
411
00:21:14,441 --> 00:21:16,577
Well, that would look spectacular,
wouldn't it, Lister?
412
00:21:16,601 --> 00:21:18,441
God returns in all his splendour
413
00:21:18,521 --> 00:21:21,281
and says, "Sorry, it's all
been a total cock-up!"
414
00:21:21,361 --> 00:21:23,721
I didn't ask for this.
I didn't ask to become their god!
415
00:21:24,761 --> 00:21:26,177
Well, I didn't ask to be killed, Lister.
416
00:21:26,201 --> 00:21:28,081
Life's a bitch.
Now smeg off, I'm busy.
417
00:21:28,161 --> 00:21:29,921
They just made
stuff up, you know.
418
00:21:30,001 --> 00:21:33,801
I'm supposed to have given them
five sacred laws. Five sacred laws!
419
00:21:33,881 --> 00:21:35,841
I've broken four of them meself.
420
00:21:35,921 --> 00:21:38,521
I'd have broken the fifth,
but there's no sheep on board.
421
00:21:39,681 --> 00:21:40,801
Bye-bye.
422
00:21:40,881 --> 00:21:43,441
I mean, Rimmer,
what sort of holy writ is this, Rimmer?
423
00:21:43,521 --> 00:21:45,521
"It is a sin to be cool."
424
00:21:45,601 --> 00:21:48,241
Look, I'm sick of hearing
about these stupid cats!
425
00:21:48,321 --> 00:21:50,761
My concerns are slightly
more meaningful than what coloured
426
00:21:50,841 --> 00:21:53,281
stupid, smegging cardboard hat
I'm wearing!
427
00:21:53,361 --> 00:21:55,321
I'm trying to decipher this!
428
00:21:55,401 --> 00:22:00,281
This is science, laddy. You can smirk,
Lister, but I believe the Quagaars...
429
00:22:00,361 --> 00:22:03,161
Quagars?
Quagaarsl It's a name I made up.
430
00:22:03,241 --> 00:22:04,561
Double A, actually.
431
00:22:04,641 --> 00:22:07,921
I believe the Quagaars have
the technology to give me a new body!
432
00:22:08,721 --> 00:22:10,361
Never mind this tot. Where's the Cat?
433
00:22:10,441 --> 00:22:11,601
- Tot?
- Tot.
434
00:22:11,681 --> 00:22:12,761
- Tot?
- Tot!
435
00:22:12,841 --> 00:22:13,921
- Tot?
- Tot!
436
00:22:14,001 --> 00:22:15,121
- Tot?
- Tot!
437
00:22:15,201 --> 00:22:16,721
We'll soon see how totty it is, laddy.
438
00:22:16,801 --> 00:22:19,041
The quarantine period's nearly up!
439
00:22:19,801 --> 00:22:21,041
Bastard!
440
00:22:23,321 --> 00:22:24,841
Cat? Cat?
441
00:22:28,241 --> 00:22:29,441
Holly, where's the Cat?
442
00:22:29,521 --> 00:22:32,121
He '5 no longer in my
supervision field, Dave.
443
00:22:32,201 --> 00:22:34,361
He's gone down to the cargo decks?
444
00:22:34,441 --> 00:22:37,121
I lost him as he
entered Supply Pipe 28.
445
00:22:39,081 --> 00:22:41,841
Cat? Cat?
446
00:22:41,921 --> 00:22:44,641
Cat! Come on, Cat.
447
00:22:45,321 --> 00:22:49,321
Meow! Meow! Come on, kitty, kitty!
448
00:22:50,561 --> 00:22:52,201
Cat, come on.
449
00:22:53,681 --> 00:22:55,081
The crispies have gone warm.
450
00:22:55,161 --> 00:22:57,001
Come on. Cat, come on.
451
00:22:58,961 --> 00:23:01,841
Ow, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
452
00:23:01,921 --> 00:23:05,801
Hey, fellas. Yes, sir, I'm back.
453
00:23:05,881 --> 00:23:08,801
Feeling good! Feeling...
454
00:23:08,881 --> 00:23:11,281
You're always leaving me
where you go.
455
00:23:11,361 --> 00:23:12,361
Investigating.
456
00:23:12,441 --> 00:23:15,241
- See, I have these feet...
- I'm dying.
457
00:23:15,321 --> 00:23:18,081
I'm telling you about my feet.
My investigating feet.
458
00:23:18,161 --> 00:23:19,881
Didn't you hear me?
459
00:23:19,961 --> 00:23:21,561
I'm dying.
460
00:23:21,641 --> 00:23:24,241
Yeah. But I'm telling you
about my feet.
461
00:23:24,401 --> 00:23:26,441
Why should you listen to me?
462
00:23:26,521 --> 00:23:29,841
A blind old priest
that's lost his faith.
463
00:23:30,001 --> 00:23:31,321
I'm not listening to you.
464
00:23:31,401 --> 00:23:33,241
I'm trying to tell you
about my feet.
465
00:23:33,321 --> 00:23:34,441
What do you care.
466
00:23:34,521 --> 00:23:35,921
I don't care.
467
00:23:36,001 --> 00:23:38,121
You're the one who's doing the dying.
Not me.
468
00:23:38,201 --> 00:23:40,041
Why should I let it spoil my evening?
469
00:23:41,441 --> 00:23:42,721
Cat?
470
00:23:45,801 --> 00:23:46,881
Cat?
471
00:23:51,841 --> 00:23:55,201
Cat, when I get you
I'm going to turn you into a kebab.
472
00:23:56,601 --> 00:23:59,001
Holly, can you still hear me?
473
00:24:02,881 --> 00:24:04,081
Cat?
474
00:24:05,161 --> 00:24:06,161
Here.
475
00:24:06,961 --> 00:24:09,601
Burn the sacred hat.
476
00:24:09,681 --> 00:24:11,881
That's a fearsome hat.
477
00:24:11,961 --> 00:24:15,001
Burn it! Burn it.
It's a symbol of the lies.
478
00:24:17,841 --> 00:24:21,561
- It's burnt.
- All my life I've served a lie.
479
00:24:22,441 --> 00:24:26,081
Because you're not there,
Cloister, are you?
480
00:24:26,161 --> 00:24:27,561
You've never been there!
481
00:24:28,321 --> 00:24:31,001
You don't exist!
482
00:24:35,001 --> 00:24:37,321
- Who's that?
- It is I, Cloister!
483
00:24:37,401 --> 00:24:38,561
Who is it, boy?
484
00:24:38,641 --> 00:24:41,641
I've told you, it's me, Cloister.
I've returnethed.
485
00:24:41,761 --> 00:24:45,881
Is it him? Is it truly him?
Does he look like a king?
486
00:24:45,961 --> 00:24:47,761
A king? Yeah, yeah!
487
00:24:47,841 --> 00:24:51,041
Is he wearing the doughnut
and the golden sausage?
488
00:24:51,121 --> 00:24:55,801
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Then it truly is him!
489
00:24:57,641 --> 00:24:59,801
I failed you, Cloister.
490
00:24:59,881 --> 00:25:02,121
All these years I kept my faith.
491
00:25:02,201 --> 00:25:05,001
I wore the holy custard stain
492
00:25:05,081 --> 00:25:07,361
and the sacred gravy marks.
493
00:25:08,561 --> 00:25:10,521
I renounced coolness
494
00:25:10,601 --> 00:25:14,241
and chose the righteous path
of slobbiness.
495
00:25:14,761 --> 00:25:18,241
But in the end, I failed you.
496
00:25:19,801 --> 00:25:22,921
Why didn't you go on the arks
with the rest of the cats?
497
00:25:23,361 --> 00:25:27,441
They left us behind.
The sick and the lame.
498
00:25:27,521 --> 00:25:29,321
Left us to die.
499
00:25:30,081 --> 00:25:35,041
But then the boy was born
to the cripple and the idiot.
500
00:25:35,121 --> 00:25:38,201
- What idiot?
- Your father, boy.
501
00:25:38,281 --> 00:25:40,041
My father was a jelly brain?
502
00:25:40,121 --> 00:25:43,521
Yes. That's why he ate his own feet.
503
00:25:43,601 --> 00:25:44,881
I did wonder.
504
00:25:44,961 --> 00:25:50,161
But as one by one we died,
my faith died also.
505
00:25:51,001 --> 00:25:55,521
You tested me, Cloister,
and I failed you.
506
00:25:56,041 --> 00:25:59,321
Oh, no. You didn't fall, old man.
You passed.
507
00:25:59,401 --> 00:26:02,721
I'm giving you...
I'm giving you an A plus distinction.
508
00:26:03,681 --> 00:26:07,001
You mean there's a place
for me on Fuchal?
509
00:26:07,081 --> 00:26:11,041
A place? Got your own bathroom,
en-suite, cork floors,
510
00:26:11,121 --> 00:26:12,761
your own barbecue on the patio,
511
00:26:12,841 --> 00:26:15,241
double glazing,
a phone and everything.
512
00:26:15,321 --> 00:26:16,721
Oh, my hat!
513
00:26:17,641 --> 00:26:21,441
I've burnt my sacred hat!
514
00:26:21,521 --> 00:26:23,121
No, you haven't!
515
00:26:26,641 --> 00:26:28,081
A miracle!
516
00:26:28,921 --> 00:26:33,201
This is the happiest day of my...
517
00:26:42,441 --> 00:26:43,921
Did I ever tell you about my feet?
518
00:26:44,001 --> 00:26:45,481
My investigating feet.
519
00:26:45,561 --> 00:26:47,761
Once upon a time,
there was an old man...
520
00:26:57,081 --> 00:27:01,001
- Well, are you ready for this, Rimmer?
- Open it! Open it!
521
00:27:03,361 --> 00:27:04,521
Well? What's there?
522
00:27:04,601 --> 00:27:07,081
Are you sure
you're ready for this, Rimmer?
523
00:27:07,161 --> 00:27:08,881
Yes! Come on, you gimboid!
524
00:27:13,401 --> 00:27:19,441
Incredible! A stupendous moment
in my own personal history!
525
00:27:19,521 --> 00:27:24,001
The perfectly preserved remains
of a Quagaar warrior!
526
00:27:24,081 --> 00:27:26,321
Yeah, right, Rimmer. Absolutely.
527
00:27:26,801 --> 00:27:31,121
They must have looked
something like a roast chicken.
528
00:27:36,961 --> 00:27:40,681
♪ It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere
529
00:27:40,761 --> 00:27:42,401
It's a garbage pod!
530
00:27:42,481 --> 00:27:45,601
#I'm all alone, more or less
531
00:27:45,681 --> 00:27:48,321
It's a smegging garbage pod!
532
00:27:48,401 --> 00:27:51,401
♪ Let me fly far away from here
533
00:27:51,481 --> 00:27:54,201
♪ Fun, fun, fun
534
00:27:54,281 --> 00:27:57,841
#In the sun, sun, sun
535
00:27:57,921 --> 00:28:01,361
♪ I want to lie
shipwrecked and comatose
536
00:28:01,441 --> 00:28:04,681
♪ Drinking fresh mango juice
537
00:28:04,761 --> 00:28:08,121
♪ Goldfish shoals
nibbling at my toes
538
00:28:08,201 --> 00:28:11,041
♪ Fun, fun, fun
539
00:28:11,121 --> 00:28:14,681
#In the sun, sun, sun
540
00:28:14,761 --> 00:28:17,441
♪ Fun, fun, fun
541
00:28:17,521 --> 00:28:20,921
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪
40597
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