All language subtitles for Kevin.James.Irregardless.2024.2160p.4K.WEB.x265.10bit.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]_track3_[eng]

♪ I've been having dreams
About falling in love ♪

♪ It feels so real ♪

♪ But nobody is here when I wake up ♪

♪ Do you know my name ♪

♪ The devil's in the detail ♪

♪ I'm a natural born killer ♪

♪ I'm a natural born ♪

♪ Take this hopeless broken soul ♪

♪ Of this remote control ♪

♪ Plot twist ♪

♪ A whole generation lost
With no promise ♪

♪ Can you feel my love ♪

♪ Do you know my pain ♪

♪ It's in my head every night on replay ♪

♪ A deadly game ♪

♪ For a natural born killer ♪

♪ I'm a natural born killer ♪

♪ Natural born killer ♪

♪ Okay, game face ♪

♪ Go time, don't play ♪

That was for you.

That was my gift for you.

Yeah.

Gonna be honest,
gave you a little too much.

I never go that long.
That was little longer

than I expected. I got a little excited.

We're gonna bring it down.

'Cause everything hurts.

Everything hurts.

Last week I woke up,
I asked my wife, "Hey."

"Did I play rugby yesterday?"

She's like, "No,
you shook a can of paint for me."

She was right.
This is all I did. This was it.

Because it was outside
of my every day body movements,

I don't do this.

I felt it the day after.

I'm gonna feel this tomorrow

'cause I just did this
for you guys right now.

It wasn't even a big can.
I'm talking the little Häagen-Dazs size.

Body's falling apart.

Falling apart. It's horrible.

When to the doctor to get checked out.
He said, "Everything's really good.

I do wanna let you know
that you are prediabetic."

I was like, "Hmm, all right?"

Who isn't, right?
I mean, come on.

Why would you even tell me that?

Do I have diabetes? He goes, "No."

But I could get diabetes?

He goes, "Yes."

Okay.

Do you have diabetes?

He goes, "No."

I go, "But could you get diabetes?"

He said, "I guess so."

I go, "Let me tell you something,
you're prediabetic."

No charge. That's on the house.

Are you alive? Yeah.

You're also pre-dead. Sorry about that.

We're all gonna die.

Pre... Prediabetes.

If I have diabetes, tell me.
I'll change the way I eat.

What's with the "pre"?
That's how this world operates. "Pre."

Fear.

You might.

Almost, you don't know.
Scan. Check. Pre-scan.

What? Huh? Yeah.

Everything's fear.

Did you hear about Julie?
No, what's the matter with Julie?

She's borderline anemic.

Julie has anemia?

No. She's borderline. She's close.

So Julie's anemic?
No, she's not anemic at all.

Here's the line if you would have anemia,
you would be on this side of the line.

And if you don't have anemia,

you're on this side with everybody else.

Julie is on this side with everybody else.

She's just slightly ahead of us all,

closer to the line
where she would have it if she did.

But she doesn't.

She's closer.

She's like in the whoa,
you better watch out soon area,

like maybe.

So, what do you want me to do?

There's nothing you can do.
She doesn't have it.

Then why are you telling me?

I just thought you might want
a little more anxiety

added onto your plate with everything else
that's going on the world.

You know, just think about Julie, right?

Prayers for Julie,
you know what I'm saying?

I mean, how does she do it?
How does she wake up every day?

To face another sunrise,
trudging through the day,

knowing that she almost has something
that she doesn't even have.

She's so close
to almost having something that,

even if she did, it would be that bad.
'Cause--

She could clear it up with some red meat
and a little B12.

She, she almost has it, man.

She's there. She's in trenches with this.

She has two kids. What does she tell them?

How do they grow up knowing that
they have a mother that's gonna be fine?

Everything is fear.

It's pre-fear.

Fear. You don't know.

Fear. We have nothing to be afraid of.

We have nothing to be afraid of.

We really don't.

We-- Yeah. Yes.

Nothing.

We live in the safest times
in all of human history.

We have nothing to fear.
We are so blessed.

We are-- You know
who had something to be afraid of?

Men fighting in the Revolutionary War.
How about them?

Or the Civil War, right?

That's fear.

Right? Brother against brother.

Across an open field.

Chance of survival is minimal.

And you're the guy carrying the flag.

That's fear.

They're handing out muskets...

...and you get the flag.

Yeah, I'd like a musket, please.

Uh, sorry, we're all out.
I can give you the flag.

What do I do with that?

Well, you see those
line of guys over there,

with muskets, across that field?

You stand in front of them.
You get right in front of them.

And you give it a little of this.
You just got...

You want me to raise our symbol,

show the enemy exactly where to aim?

That's what they did. They didn't care.

They had courage back then.

Out in front.

Do it. Let's do it. Get it up there. Yes!

Waving that flag.

Be aggressive.

B-E aggressive.

B-E-A-G-R-G-I-G-F-E Aggressive!

They didn't care.

Aggressive.

I'd be waving that thing so low profile...

They'd be like, "Get that flag up!
Let them know who we are!"

I'd be like, "I don't want the flag.
Do you have a bayonet?"

"No, I got a snare drum and drum sticks.
You want that?"

That's even worse.

Fire that thing up!
Let them know we're coming!

Play that thing!
I'm playing it, I'm playing it.

I'd take out the brushes
if I could, right?

We have nothing to be afraid of.

We, we find things to be afraid of. We do.

Food companies know we're afraid.
They know it.

That's why they're trying
to make all their food sound healthy.

They market it that way.

Have a box of Cheerios.

My Cheerios says "may lower cholesterol"
on the box.

Cheerios may lower cholesterol.

You know what I know about Cheerios

when it says "may lower cholesterol"
on the box?

I know that Cheerios
doesn't lower cholesterol.

'Cause if it did, it would say
"Cheerios lowers cholesterol",

but it says "may."

It says "may."

So they, either, honestly,
they don't know,

or they had the laziest scientists
in the history of the world

working down at the Cheerio factory.

Where they just come in every day,
"Hey, Wendell, how's it going?

Just checking to see where we stand
with the whole cholesterol thing."

Can we put that
Cheerios lowers cholesterol on the box?

Yeah, I wouldn't. Yeah.
I would just stick with "may."

Just go with "may."
You haven't figured it out?

No, we're trying to. We're plugging away,
but there's a lot of stuff going on.

I got a phone call earlier.

I gotta take my daughter to soccer.

There's things getting involved here,
you know.

Just go with "may."

Put "may." "May lower cholesterol."

They're not gonna know. Put "may."

They'll think it lowers.

You don't know. I don't even know.
So how are they gonna know?

You don't know that it couldn't, right?

Put that.

Cheerios, you don't know
that it couldn't lower cholesterol.

Put "definitely should lower cholesterol,
Cheerios."

I don't trust anybody.
I don't trust the food companies.

I don't trust my phone.

I don't trust Siri. Do you trust Siri?

Let me tell you, Siri is listening to you
every second of the day.

I can't stand that.

You ever download an app?

And it starts asking you questions,

"Hey, do you mind if I share information
with your other apps?"

Yes, I mind. How do you even know him?

What the hell is going on?

They're all up to something, those apps.
You know it.

That's their goal.

They wanna stay on your phone
as long as possible.

That's why it's so hard to delete an app.

You ever tried to delete an app?

You gotta do that hard press
on the phone, first of all.

All the apps start shaking.

Oh, they know somebody's going.
They know this.

This is judgement day for one of them.

Looking around,
seeing what each other did.

You know, thinking about who's going.

That's why they make
that little x so small.

It's small in the corner.

'Cause you can't get it
with your fat thumb

and you hit anywhere else on the screen
and everything settles.

And they're like...

And then you gotta fire it up again
and they're like, "Oh, my gosh.

This guy is relentless."

They're thinking about what they did.

Oh, he's definitely getting rid of me.
It's not you, it's me.

I haven't learned Spanish in 30 days.

This idiot couldn't learn Spanish

if he was raised in Guatemala
for 30 years.

It's why it's so hard dragging an app.

You ever tried to drag an app
from another page?

It's like, nope.

Nope.

I like page five.

I don't trust doctors.
Do you trust doctors?

- I don't trust doctors, no.
- No!

They're killing people
who don't need to die.

I read this one story.

This one woman, she was comatose.
She was in the hospital.

And she came back to life
and started breathing again

moments after her family pulled the plug.

Is that a good story?

Yeah, I mean, she's living.

That's good. She's back to life.

That'd make for some
pretty uncomfortable conversation

in that hospital room.

Right after, when she came back.
Like, she, whoa!

This is amazing!

I can't believe you all were here
waiting for me.

My family. I love you so much.

What have you guys been up to?

Uh, nothing, Mom, nothing.

You weren't, uh, looking so good, Mom.

Frankie, unplug your iPhone,
you're at 85%, unplug it.

How're you feeling, Mom? How you feeling?

I feel wonderful.
My side hurts a little bit.

Yeah, that's 'cause we've already
donated all your organs.

They're coming at three for your eyes.

We should get a family photo
before they pluck the eyes.

Let's get a family photo.
Mom, get in here.

Before we're looking at
two black, empty sockets. Let's go.

Only God pulls the plug on me.

I tell my family all the time.
Absolutely, yes.

I don't care.

He created me.

He can take me out whenever He wants.

Is it a matter of money? So what?
Have a garage sale.

So the kids don't go to college?
Who cares?

Let's be honest,

they weren't going anyway.

Keep the big man breathing.
Do whatever you gotta do.

I tell them all the time. I don't care.

At some point, there's gonna be that woman
that walks in the room.

There's always... You know what?

Kevin would not want to live this way.

You falcon-punch that witch
right in the throat.

You just grab her and...

Stomp her, right there.

Double strike her.

How about you don't wanna live.
Who's that lady killing people?

Just walking in,
"He would not wanna go on.

He would not wanna do it.

There's no quality of life."

Hi-ya!

I had a close call too,
about five years ago.

I was, uh, driving home from a show

and I hit a deer on the highway.

It was pretty scary.

It was a horrible experience,
wrecked my truck.

I was on the side of the road,
pretty shaken up.

Filling out the police report.

She was asking me questions
and the officer was like,

"What happened? The deer just, uh,
jumped out in front of you?"

I was like, "What?"

She was like, "Did it just
jump out in front of you?"

I was like, "No, no, it waved me over."

Um...

I was barreling down the road
about 90 miles and hour

and I was like, is that a deer
calling over with its hoof?

Sure enough, it was.

I pulled over to the side.

I was like, "What's up?"

He's like, "You're doing like 90."
And I'm like, "Okay, that's my business.

What do you care?"

He's like, "I know you got kids at home."

He knew my kids by name,
which freaked me out.

I'm like, I'm not gonna
talk to this guy anymore.

I don't need this.

I'm outta here.

He's like, "Hold up. Hold up. I'm sorry."

He said, "I'm sorry.

Let's started over. We'll hug it out."
And I'm like,

that's pretty cool,
a deer who's about forgiveness.

I said okay, and go to hug him
and he goes to hug me,

and he goes, "What's that?"
and he points to my shirt.

I go, "What's what?" I look down,

and he did that move in my face...

He goes, "I know where you live."

Then he ran into the woods.
I got back in my truck

and I started chasing him.

But I couldn't get through
the thick trees,

so I got out and camped out overnight.

And I waited.

The next morning, I saw him.

He was talking to a bunch of other deer.

I army crawled over to him.

And I put blueberries on my face
all Rambo style.

He didn't even see me.

I jumped on top of him.
I sank my hooks in.

I slit his throat and he bled out
right there on the spot.

Then I dragged him, like a mile.

Mile and a half, back to the highway
and I threw him on the hood of my truck.

And that's when you showed up.

So, no, he did not just jump out
in front of me.

This was premeditated deer murder.

Can't talk about my kids.

I have four kids.

Any parents? Lot of parents out there?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Trying to be a good dad, it's, uh,
it's tough, man. It's really hard.

These, these times,
it's difficult, you know.

I'm really having a tough time
trying to motivate my kids.

And, I don't know, like,
I don't know, is it me

or is it, like, all parents? I don't know.

Are your kids lethargic?

'Cause I got a slug farm at my house.

I really--

My kids don't even get dressed anymore.

They just get up from bed
with the blanket.

They have a blanket on them.

They light up their iPad,
it illuminates their face,

and they just shuffle, shuffle.

Like some weird sand creature
in a Star Wars movie.

Past each other and past me.
No one talks anymore.

My son's the worst,
always on the video games.

I was like, "Hey, we can't do this, man.
Let's get some activity, you know."

I went up to him and said, "Hey. Buddy.

Listen, let's, let's grab a football
and, uh, call all your friends.

We'll get on our bikes
and we'll ride over to the field.

Grab some cones, we'll set up outlines
and touchdowns and all the stuff.

We'll, we'll have a great, great game.

Awesome game. Maybe two.

We'll wait there till the lights come on
in the parking lot.

We'll play a night game as well.
We'll just have a blast.

And he just looked over to me
and said, "I'm good."

That was it.

My wife goes, "Just take the video games
away from him."

That's a great idea. And I did.

We took our video games away
from all our kids.

All the video games were done.

Take them away from your kids. Yes.

Yeah, we did it.

You gotta do it. We have to do it.

It helped. It was awesome right away.

First of all, the girls, my daughters,
their life got so much better immediately.

They were seeing friends and reading.
They didn't even care.

My son had a tough time. He did.

Yeah, he was having--
Especially, couple days in,

he started getting all shifty-eyed
and stuff, looking at me just...

Little shaky leg. He was like an addict.
He was really just kinda like...

I could tell he was having a tough time.
He was...

Yo. Dad, yo, can I talk to you?
Can I talk to your for a second?

Yo.

C-Come over here, Brody.
Let me talk to you for a second.

Get away from Mom for just a second.

You gotta give me something
to take the edge off.

Give me a little something,
a little brain tickler.

Give me a little brain tickler.
You got some Mario?

I was like, "No. No games, that's it."

Okay, God bless you, sir.
You have a good day.

You have a great day.
God bless you, sir. I love you.

God bless you. God loves you.
You have a good day.

Next day he came by, same thing.

He's a little manipulative too.
You gotta watch out for him.

I don't know what he was trying to do.
He was like, "Hey, how about this, Dad?"

What if I got, like, a-- an Oculus?

I didn't know what an Oculus is.
Do you know? I didn't even know.

I had no idea. It's the virtual reality,
if you don't know.

The goggles.
You put these big goggles on your face.

And you're in virtual reality.

I was like, "Is it games?"
He goes, "Yeah."

I'm like, "No, you can't have it.
That's it, no games."

He goes, "But you don't understand.
These are active games."

I go, "What do you mean?"
He goes, "Oh, it's unbelievable.

They have a boxing game
where you can fight like Rocky

or like, you know,
Apollo Creed or Mohammad Ali.

It's, like, 12 rounds.
And you have, like, hand weights.

You're boxing the whole time.
You're sweating like crazy.

It's amazing."

He goes, "There's a dance cardio game
where you're, like, going crazy.

Your heart rate goes through the roof.

They also have a warrior game.

There's a warrior game, Dad,
you wouldn't believe it.

You're going through this village
just wielding a sword.

It's like a crazy shoulder delt workout
the whole time.

Everybody's doing it.

All my friends,
everybody is just working out like crazy.

And here's the best part,

even if it's raining outside or snowing,
doesn't matter.

'Cause you get your workout in.
It's awesome."

I was like, "I don't know. I don't know."

I started thinking about it.
I'd rather you be outside doing stuff,

but maybe this is a step
in the right direction.

So I said, "All right,
let's get the Oculus."

And I got him the Oculus.

Yeah.

Wanna tell you how it went down.

First day, he gets the Oculus.

I wake up,
I go downstairs into the kitchen.

He's already got it on.
He's just standing there in the kitchen.

Big, fat goggles on his face, just...

Zero movement.

Zero movement. Just standing there.

I'm watching him.
He doesn't know I'm there.

I walk in. I'm like, "What is this?"

This is the Oculus? This is it?
And he's just there.

I watch and I'm getting a little upset,

but then he starts to move
and I go, "Here we go."

He backs up a little bit.
I'm like, "Whoa."

He doesn't even know I'm there.

He reaches under.
He feels under the kitchen counter.

And he gets a stool.

And he sits down.

Now I'm really getting upset. 'Cause...

He doesn't look
like he's fighting Apollo Creed.

I wanna give him the benefit of the doubt.

I don't know this virtual reality.

I don't know how far it goes back.

Maybe his trainer's stuck in traffic
or something.

But he's just sitting there now.

Just sitting there,
for another two minutes.

I'm getting upset.

I'm about to take them off
and he steps up.

I go, "Oh, here we go."

He takes one step and levels up.

He's just standing there.
I'm like, "Oh. Here we go."

He goes like this. I'm like, "All right."

Then he goes like this.

Then he goes like this.

I go, "Here we go."
Then he goes like this.

Then he goes like this.

I'm like, "Yes, he's warming up.
Look at this."

Then he goes like this.

Then he goes like this.

Then he goes like this.

And then he goes back to his perch.
He just goes back.

I'm furious. I'm furious.

But then he goes like this.

He leans like this
and then he goes like this.

Then he goes like this.
He starts going like this.

I've no idea what-- No idea. Just this.

I've had enough.

I rip the goggles off his head.
He's like, "Oh, no!"

Which I'm told you're not supposed to do.

It's like waking a sleepwalker,
you're not supposed to do that.

I put them on.
I wanted to see what he was doing.

You know what? He was playing a game.

You know what game it was?

Job Simulator.

He was working part time
at a convenience store.

He was waiting for customers
to come in his store.

He was just sitting there.

He wasn't active at all.

He wasn't sweeping up
in between customers.

Stacking cases of beer in the back.

He was sitting there.

He was sitting there
and then, finally, a customer came in

and he stepped up, leveled up,

got him a pack of cigarettes or something.

Rang him up,
I saw the cash register was right there.

Gave him the change. Nodded.
He's a polite kid.

At least he's got that going for him.

Then he goes back to his chair.
And I'm like,

"What was this?
What was this and all that?"

You know what it was?

He was scratching off
his own lotto tickets.

He's not even a good fake employee.

I just said, "You're punished.
That's what it is. That's what's up."

I don't know
how to punish our kids anymore.

I don't even know what we can do,
what we can't do.

I don't even know what--

I know our parents, our dads,
they knew how to punish.

Back in the day, they knew how to punish.

They did.

They had it exactly correct. Every--

The punishment
always fit the crime perfectly.

Because they got the belt, that's why.

Yes.

You only had to get the belt once.

You got the belt once,

you never did
whatever you were doing ever again.

Then your dad just had to
show you the belt.

And that was enough. You remember that?

Hey, what did you say?

Yeah, okay, I'm good.

Yeah.

Yes.

Belt worked.

Remember how out of nowhere
that first time you got the belt was?

You were popping off at your mom,

You go like, "Hey.

Mom, I'm not having your meatloaf tonight.
It's horrible.

I'm not having it. It's very dry.

Who puts peas in meatloaf? I can't do it.
I can't. It's way too dry.

Look up the recipe, Betty Crocker.

Check it out, woman.

Why is Dad getting undressed?
What's going on? What are you doing?

"No, add ketchup to it, I don't care.

Some sauce, get it going.
It's just horrible.

It's very dry. What's up, Dad?

Are you a lion tamer? What is this?
What's this snap, snap?

Snap, snap. I don't know--
Oh, my God! Oh, God!"

And it worked.

The belt's worked since 25 BC.
It's worked throughout history.

All the way up until, like, 1993

when some frail d-bag
introduced the first time out.

And that's when we lost society,
right there.

When everything burns
and civilization comes to an end,

we can trace it all the way back
to that one guy. That's the guy.

Time out.

It changed the game. Time out?

How can you do that?

Can you imagine
trying to convince your dad

to give you a time out back in the day?

Hey, Dad, listen up.

Very sorry about stealing your car
last night, taking it for a joy ride.

Doing donuts in that parking lot
and wiping out that whole store front,

but how's about this?

Instead of you whipping this ass
with that leather strap

and that massive belt buckle
you got in New Orleans...

I'm thinking I'm gonna wander off
over into the corner for a little bit.

Maybe think about where I went wrong,
maybe not. I don't even know.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I might sing a song, I might hum one.
It doesn't matter.

Important thing is, it's my time,
it's my time over in that corner.

And when I feel good enough,

and I feel like I'm ready
to inject myself back into society,

I will come back here

and I will tell you
and we'll see how that goes.

How do you feel about that, cowboy?
How's that?

Why are you getting undressed again?
What's going on?

Time out.

They don't even do time outs anymore.

Now time outs are too cruel.

They've become too cruel. Time outs.

Oh, the ch-- No, you can't. What?

You can't do a time out.
It's too cruel for the child.

They're alone. They're isolated.

They're in the corner of the room.
By themselves.

There are other people. They're just--

No, they're way-- It's in a corner.
They're looking at two walls meeting.

It's, it's too much
for the child to deal with.

You can't isolate them like that.

Any-- You can't.
You just can't isolate them.

They don't even do that anymore.

They don't do time outs anymore
'cause it's too much.

They do what's called a time in.

It's called a time in.

I'm serious. What they do is
the dad will take the child,

you sit in the middle of the room,

they put the child next to them,
they stroke their shoulder and...

You both kinda go over what went wrong

and kinda where...

The child went off the tracks. And...

Once you start making them feel good
about being bad...

Probably after, like, seven
or eight minutes, you just let them go.

Then you stay there for, like,
an additional four minutes.

Just to think about
what a loser of a parent you've become.

We're raising baby veal.
That's what we're doing.

We are. We are.

We are.

We're so easy on our kids. And so what?
It doesn't help them.

I love my kids.
We all love our kids. We know that.

But you know what?
They all can't be the best.

They can't. Not right away, anyway.

This is what we tell them, constantly.

You're the best. You are the best.

You are so good.

You are the best.
You're the best. Isn't he the best?

Yeah. He's the best. You're the best.

He's the best.

You're so good. You're the best.

No, you suck.

You're not-- What are you the best at?

We wanna get you to be the best,

but you can't do anything right now.

What can you do?

Can you match your socks?

Can you do a back flip?
Can you black tar a driveway?

Can you roll a cigar?

Can you drive a forklift?

Can you put your toothbrush
back in the cup when you're done using it?

Nothing.

Without me, you can do nothing.

If I dropped you off in the woods
you wouldn't last ten minutes

before you were eaten by coyotes.

Kids suck.

They suck.

They're not good. They're not good.

That should,
that's the definition of a kid.

"You suck."
That's what they should be called.

How many you-sucks do you have?
I've got one and two on the way.

Twin you-sucks?
That's amazing. Congratulations.

Thank you.

Your kids suck. My kids suck.
I'm sorry to break it to you.

There's one kid I saw on the internet.
One kid.

This four-year-old Korean boy.

He was playing Mozart on an accordion.

He had something special, nobody else.

But 100% he got the belt.

Oh, he definitely got the belt.

Oh, he was Mozarting his ass off.
He was like...

That's how you get good.

My son wanted to play Little League.

So I called the coach.

I said, "Listen, my boy wants to play.
Is it okay if he joins the team?"

He's like, "Yeah,
we didn't even start practicing yet.

We practice Thursday night."

I said, "That's wonderful. It's awesome.
And, uh, I'll bring him down."

He says, "Yeah, I just wanna let you know
that we don't keep score in this league."

I say, "Why? Why not?"

He's like, "We don't wanna upset...

The parents and disappoint
any of the kids, so we don't keep score."

I was like, "Why even have them bat?"

Why not just have them walk up
to the plate, "Hi, how're you doing?"

Could you put me down for a double?

Yeah, my mother says
I preregistered for a double.

I got a double. Thank you.

I got a double, Mother!

A double. I got a double.

Every kid gets a trophy.

You know how I found out?

There was a $40 charge on my bill.

I was like...

What's this right here?
He like, "That's for trophies."

We didn't even have a practice yet.

He's like, "Congratulations, you guys won.
You guys are champions."

I'm like, "Who?" He's like, "Everyone."

Everyone? Me?

He goes, "Yeah. Did you drive him here?"
I go, "Yes."

He goes, "Congratulations,
you're a winner."

I played Little League in the 1970s.

Played for five years.

Got a trophy once. One year.

That's it. One trophy.

You know why? 'Cause we won.

That's it.

You know how I know? 'Cause we kept score.

You know why we did that?
'Cause that's how baseball's played.

The team with the larger number,
the more runs, they're the winners.

And the losers are the team
with the less numbers.

They're the losers
and they go home as a team

and they try to come back and do better.

And sometimes
that drive actually helps them.

That's actually the better choice,
to lose and try to come back,

because it's human nature.

Human nature.

It's good for them.

One trophy. That's all I had.

I would go in my room
and see that one trophy.

I'd be like, "Oh, yeah.
That's the year we won."

That's it. The one time.

That was worth it. It was great.

I went to my neighbor's house.
His living room is littered with trophies.

I know his kids.
I'm like, "This is criminal."

I'm like, "What's this one for?"

Oh, that's when Warren was gonna try out
for photography club.

But he got a cold and missed the season.

It says "MVP."

Yes, we're very proud of him.

They're so fortunate, kids today.

They have the greatest fields,
I see them, I see them here.

The pristine sod and the outfield walls.

With the sponsors
and the, and the lights for night games.

Kidding me?

I played in the 70s
and they had none of that.

You pull up to, like, a parking lot
with cement and clumps of grass

and broken Schmidt's bottles everywhere.
Just...

Is this field two?
Yeah, this is field two. This is us.

Your coach would pull up in a 1971 Impala,

pop the trunk to hand out uniforms.

Had everything in that trunk.

Clearly thrown out of his house
ten minutes ago by his wife.

Smoking right in front of us.

Gather round, guys, gather round, team.
Get around me. Make a circle.

Listen to me,
if it's a hit to right field...

Shortstop got it covered. Second base...

Don't overthrow the cutoff man, okay.

You're overthrowing the...

Like a nicotine oscillating fan
right in our faces.

No parents running over, "Hey, Phil,

maybe you shouldn't smoke
in front of the kids."

You kidding me?
They're setting up snack tables,

playing dominoes, drinking vodka,
about 30 yards that way.

They're just so happy the weird guy
in the polyester pants and bushy mustache

is looking after them for a while.

Right in my face. Benson and Hedges.

It stung right in the retinas.
Stinging me like crazy.

Smoke billowing down my body.

But you know what? No allergies today.

Nada.

I eat whatever I want.

I can see a raccoon walking around midday.

Just rip it's face off,
clumps of hair missing, doesn't matter.

I can just eat that thing whole
and be fine an hour later.

You know why?
'Cause I drank water out of a hose

that was rolled up in my backyard.

That sat outside in the grass

in the hot sun for months at a time,
melting that plastic.

It boiled up so much
it would burn your face.

It wouldn't even come out
in a steady stream.

You'd be p-p-p-p-p...

Firing rusty spickets through that thing

like BBs into the back of your throat
until it wasn't enough

and you just ripped the hose
off the faucet

and wrapped your lips around that.

Just suck all the asbestos and lead
right out of the house. Just...

Go right to the source and I was fine.
Why was I fine?

'Cause all day long at school
I'm chewing on pencils.

I'm sniffing magic markers
like they're going out of style.

Thirty seconds a nostril.
Have some fun. Get used to it.

Eating paste
'cause it looked like mayonnaise.

Or Play-Doh.
How good did Play-Doh smell?

Smelled amazing.
You try it, like, whoa, different story.

Next day, you try it again.
Different color.

You're like,
"Maybe this is fruit flavored. Try."

We had allergies and things
back in the day.

We just didn't label everything.

I'm sure I had anxiety. I know I did.

I was a pitcher. I was eight years old.

I remember this.
I had a really strong arm.

I was on the mound.

I was firing the ball, aiming it,
and I was missing the plate.

I started walking batters
and it was getting to me.

I loaded up the bases
and I was breathing heavy.

I felt it. I felt this heaviness.
And it was bothering me.

I started trying harder
and I was walking more batters.

I started walking runs in.

I'm looking at my friends in the field

and they were looking at me
and I felt terrible.

I remember this.

'Cause I remember my dad,
who was also a coach,

he walked out to the mound

and he gave me the greatest advice
I've ever received in my entire life.

He literally walked up to the mound,

he put both hands on my shoulder,

looked me dead in the eyes and says, "Hey.
Stop aiming the ball.

You know what to do." He said two words.

"Just throw."

That's all he said. "Just throw."

He turned around
and he walked back to the dugout.

And I remember it's the greatest advice
I've ever received in my entire life.

Think about it.

Anytime life has got you down,

there are obstacles you gotta overcome.

Just throw.

That's all you gotta do. Just throw. Yes.

Believe in yourself.

Trust yourself.

And just throw. And that's what I did.

I launched back into my windup
and I just threw.

And I shattered the kid's cheekbone.
I remember--

Ball bounced like 30 yards,
two more runs scored.

So my Dad was wrong there.
You gotta aim the ball.

In baseball. That's the--
That's like where--

That's the worst advice ever.
To just, just throw it in baseball.

Then you're just running around,
just throwing at everything.

You can't. You gotta...

Doesn't work in baseball.

But anywhere else in life,
it's great advice. Great advise.

Just throw. Just do it.

He was smart. My dad was a smart man.

Never went to college. Didn't have to.

Didn't know all subjects,
but he knew subjects in depth.

He had depth to the subject.

That was it. He knew it. He knew it well.

I don't have that.

I don't know, my Dad was handing me
the, uh, knowledge baton.

He was literally like, "Here it is.

From generation to generation.

This is all the wisdom and intelligence
of our family.

And I'm giving it to you, my son."

And I was like...

I'm good.

I don't feel
like reading that thing right now.

I paid for it.

'Cause he could answer any question
I ever had.

And I know nothing now.

As an adult, I'm faking it.

That's why I hate having conversations.
'Cause I don't know enough.

I know things,
but I don't have any in-depth knowledge.

I can't go deep.

Still water does not go deep.

That's why, anybody talks to me,

it's literally like they say something
and I have zero point of view.

I can't add anything to it.

I'm just like, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

One subject,
one subject I know a lot about.

Buster Douglas.

Remember him?

Remember the heavy-weight champ
who upset Mike Tyson back in 1990?

At the Tokyo Dome.

Forty-two to one odds.

Mike Tyson was 37-and-0 at the time.

55,000 people there. I know all this.
You know why I know it?

Because ESPN had a 30 for 30 on it

and I recorded it
and watched it, like, 12 times.

So I have all this information
about Buster Douglas.

Here's the thing.

Hardly ever comes up in conversation.

That's how dumb I was. I put all my eggs
in the Buster Douglas basket.

And my wife, this was the worst.

We got invited to this local
municipal government fundraising dinner.

It was, like, every word I hated in there.

Except dinner. I was fine with that.

Hope you said no.
She was like, "I accepted."

Why would you do that?

I don't wanna talk to anybody. I can't.

I don't know anything about government.
They're gonna make me look like an idiot.

I don't wanna do it. She's like, "Relax."

She's good at talking.
She's like, "I'll go with you.

I'll be there the whole time.

I promise you, we'll mingle around,
we'll have some hors d'oeuvres,

we'll have a little dinner,
and then we'll leave.

And I'll stay with you the whole time."

You promise? She's like, "Yes."

As soon as we get there she goes,
"I'll be right back.

I have to go the bathroom."

And she takes off.

Some guy walks over to me. He says, "Hey."

I'm like, "Oh, gosh, here we go. Hey!"

How about this whole Figueroa thing
as councilman?

Tell you one thing,
he ain't gonna last, huh?

Let's break it down, shall we?

First, don't know who Figueroa is.

Don't know--
You know what a councilman is?

Do have any idea?

He could've said carrot-maker.
It wouldn't have made a difference.

I've no idea what a councilman is.

How do I answer?

I wanna look like I know,
so I go, "Really?"

Like I'm concerned for Figueroa.

He goes, "Yeah, really." I go, "Why?"

He goes, "I'll give you one reason why.
Treason."

I was like, "Treason?
You gotta be kidding me."

In my head, I'm going,
you don't even know what treason means.

You don't know the definition of treason.

I don't know-- Did you ever break away
from a conversation mentally

to try to figure out a word
that somebody just launched at you?

You're in your head, going, break it down.
Treason. What does it mean?

Treason. Well, tree is in the front,
reason is in the back. Trees...

Are reasonable.
Maybe he's talking about the environment.

Get in there
and talk about the environment.

So I go back to talk to him
and he's just staring at me.

So I don't know
how long I was out for, you know.

I don't know if he asked me a question
or not. He's just staring at me.

I'm starting to sweat,
'cause I don't know what to say.

I'm feeling uncomfortable.

And he doesn't say--
So I go to my fallback, which is this.

It's great. I just go,

"Yeah, it's all crazy anyway.
What are you gonna do, right?

He's supposed to say, "Yeah, it's nuts.
Anyway, you have a good night."

You too. But he doesn't.

He goes, "What's crazy?"
I go, "I don't know.

No one's ever answered my question
with a question before."

Just the whole thing.
He's like, "What whole thing?"

How it all went down.
He's like, "What went down?"

Motherf-- Just leave me alone!

He was trying to expose my stupidity.

He wouldn't stop.
He was not letting me go.

He was chasing me, like I was an opossum
running behind a dumpster

and he had a flashlight in my face.

What did you say? No, you're dumb.

What did you say?

You're very dumb.

You don't know who Figueroa is.

Who is Figueroa?

No, you don't. Who is Figueroa?

Who is Figueroa?

Who is he? You don't--

Name the three branches of government.

I'll spot you Legislative.

I should just be honest with people.
I should just walk up,

"Hi, my name's Kevin.
I got about a fourth grade vocabulary."

I'm gonna get lost
pretty quickly into the conversation,

but I'll stay here and I'll nod my head

and I'll smile,
make you feel better about yourself,

but don't be fooled,
I am dead behind the eyes.

I don't do that.

I try to match. I try to match.
I throw in big words I don't even know.

What do you think
the problem with society is?

I go, "I gotta be honest. I harken..."
Har-- Harken.

I've never said "harken" before
in my life. Harken?

What am I? Winston Churchill? Where--

It behooves me to think that...

My monocle and my, mm, pocket watch,
ha-ha, burlap brown pants,

working on the cobble stone in London,

fatty, fatty, fatty pants. Fatty pants.

Walking in London rain. Who am I?

Mm, pipe. Who am I?

Harken.

Or I answer too quickly.

What do you think
the problem with the culture is?

I'm like, "I know what it is."
I know what it is?

I go, "I think it's a lack of conscious."

Conte-ness. Consci-ness.

He's like, "What?"

You ever not even be sure
of the tense of a word?

C-- It's a lack of con-- conscience-ness.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

C-Con-- It's a lack of consciention--

It's a lack of con-- uncon--
I think unconscien-- unconscientuously.

I think uncon-- con--

Conscience-- Conchi--

It's a lack of conch--
Of we're not uncontentience.

You're gonna have a society--
S-so-- So-socotal-- Socielitally--

You're gonna get a tyranny.
A tyr-- A tyran--

An tyrannical-saurus rex
is gonna come back.

And the dinosaurs are here.
That's what I'm saying.

I'm sorry, I'm not following you.
I went...

Irregardless of that, I gotta tell you...

I said it.

Oh, he stopped me,
"That's not even a word."

I beg to differ.

He's like, "I'm sorry,
you're not making any sense."

You know what else didn't make sense?

When Buster Douglas upset Mike Tyson
back in 1990.

At the Tokyo Dome.

55,000 people. Forty-two to one odds.
You have a good night, sir.

Have a good night, sir.

That's when my wife
walked out of the bathroom.

What did I miss? Anything good?

Ha-ha. Okay. All right.

My wife's awesome. I love her so much.

She-- We're an amazing fit
because she loves to talk.

She's like the balance to me.
She's so good at it.

She can talk to people.
She knows what questions to ask.

She just loves it.

I remember, that night
we got in the car to drive home.

She just started talking again.
I was like, "Hey.

You know, we don't need it now. We--"

We don't need to talk ever again.

We don't. That's a good thing.
We've been together, like, 20 years.

I've already said every word
I'm ever gonna say to her

in every combination. That's it.

And she said every word to me.

She knows everything about me.
I know everything about her.

We don't need to talk anymore.

We can finish out the rest of our life
with gestures. That's it.

Not her. She loves to talk. She loves it.

She's just one of those people.
She just loves it.

Loves the sound of her internal voice.
She's like, "Uh..."

Loves the vibration of her lips
on her teeth or something.

The whole nine yards.

Whatever's involved with talking, she...

Ever hear a baby
whenever they find their voice?

They're ma-ma-ma-ma. Brr... Brr...

Brr... La-la. Brr...

She just goes.

I don't think she's ever had
an unexpressed thought in her life.

No.

Everything she sees, it goes right in,
and she has to say it.

She just, "Oh, my gosh,
this door's so squeaky.

That picture's crooked,
I can't believe that.

We're gonna make eggplant for Thursday.
We'll have some friends over.

Would that be good?
Look at my reflection in the mirror.

I see two of me. Do you see two of me?
It's really weird.

I can't believe the kids are standing
on hardwood floor now, look at that.

The lights are good.
The holidays are coming. This is fun."

Hey, sit one out. Sit one out.

I have thoughts in my head all day long.

Weird ones.

How many tater tots can I fit in my mouth
without dropping any?

It's in there, but I keep it in the barn.
I keep it in there.

Not my wife.
She doesn't have any barn doors.

It's just free-range thoughts.
I see it. I say it.

I see it in the senses and I say it.

Look at those exit signs. The light.
The floor. Everything is...

I see it. I say it. I see it. I say it.

It's like a verbal wood chipper.

I see it. I say it.
I gotta say it when I see it.

I see it. I say it. I gotta say it.

Hey.

There's an ebb and flow to conversations.

There is. Fifty percent is listening.

It's like double Dutch.
You gotta wait for your turn.

Not her. She's in there
the whole time. Like...

I got this. This is my talk.
This is my talk. Back it off.

Can someone else talk?
Get outta here, , this is me.

Big Mac, Fillet-o-Fish,
Quarter Pounder, French Fries,

I see Coke, milkshake,
sundaes, and apple pie.

You wanna talk?

Talk.

Go in your closet, take your clothes off,
and talk all night long.

But why do I have to be there?

It's this emotional backboard.
She doesn't care what I think or say.

She wants me there.

Why?

Talk.

Go.

I always gotta be there, though.

I'm literally brushing my teeth.

Getting ready for bed.

And I hear it.

Telling me things.

That I experienced with her.
I was with her all day.

Can't believe Alan stood up
in front of everybody

revealing facts about his son.

I didn't like that at all.
I couldn't believe it.

Could you believe it?

In my head, I'm going, "Yes, I can.
You know why?

'Cause I was there."

This was your point of view.

This was mine. I was there.

I experienced everything with you!

Na-na-na-na-na...

Talking herself to sleep.
Literally talking herself through sleep.

You know how much you wanna go to sleep
and you're tired?

And she's still fighting it.

Finally.

It goes quiet. Sweet quiet.

You go to bed.

Next morning I wake up.

I'm brushing my teeth.

And it starts up again in the other room.

I'm like, "What new knowledge
did you pick up..."

"...overnight?"

What did you get?
What could you have picked up?

Nothing new happened.

But she wants me there.

She wants me in that conversation.

Again, doesn't care
about what I have to say.

Does-- doesn't matter. She wants me there.

And she tries to get me
snagged into these conversations.

She'll like lob out half sentences to me.

That's what she'll do. She'll lob them out
like she fly fishing to try to catch me.

I sure hope Ellen's gonna be okay.

I usually let the first one just pass by.

'Cause if enough time passes,
I can just kinda...

But there's always a follow-up.

Sure hope they can work through this.

Okay, we gotta engage.

I'm thinking, "What's our plan?"

Our plan is, we wanna get outta here
as quickly as possible.

We have so much stuff to do.

But we can't try
to shorten the conversation.

We know that, 'cause she'll sense that.
She's good at that.

And then she'll tack on 45 minutes
just out of spite, so...

What if I steer into it?

What if I go in the other way?
It's dangerous, but it's--

Risky move, but it could pay off.

Let's just go into it and I did it.

Hey, honey. Yeah.

Let's do it.

Let's do what?

Let's just talk about Helen
all morning long.

Let's just do it. We'll grab a couple
of beanbag chairs. Put on a pot of coffee.

We'll sit down.
You tell me everything about Helen

from conception to this morning.

Let's do it. Let's just get knee-deep
in Helen. What do you say?

Okay, first of all, it's Ellen.
It's not Helen. There's no H, okay?

She's my friend from Pilates
who you don't know.

She's going through some stuff right now.

But let's do it.
Let's just do it anyway. I don't care.

I wanna learn about her.

And I wanna be here
to learn about her, with you.

What do you say?

No.

I promised her
I wouldn't say anything to anybody.

Okay.

I really wanted to be here for you.
I love you.

I just wanted to let you know that.
I'll see you later, okay.

There's always a follow-up.
All right, I'll tell you.

But you gotta promise me
you're not gonna tell anybody else.

Promise you? I can't do that.

What if I'm playing softball
with the guys?

And we're warming up
and I'm throwing with my buddy

and he's like, "Hey, anything going on
with your wife's friends at Pilates

that I should know about?"

I can't believe you brought that up.

Yes. Guys, bring it in.
Everybody, bring it in, both teams.

Come out of the dugout.

Everybody, take a knee. I wanna tell you
about my wife's friend Ellen or Helen,

who I don't know, from Pilates.

She's going through some stuff right now.

No, hands down,
I'll answer questions afterwards.

You gotta promise me
you're not gonna tell anybody.

How about I promise you
I'm not listening to a word you're saying

as you're saying it?

How about none of your words
are actually reaching my ears?

Nothing. Nothing.

They're exploding in the atmosphere
before they reach me

like a fourth of July party, like...

I can't believe...

I can't believe she named...

And I told her her coworkers...

I'm getting none of this.

I'm getting none of it.

I didn't even know
you were taking Pilates.

Just gotta beat her at her own game.
That's all you gotta do.

Fourteen. What?

Fourteen. What?

That's how many tater tots I think
I can fit my mouth without dropping any.

You guys are the greatest!
God bless you all!

♪ I'm a natural born killer ♪

♪ I'm a natural born ♪

♪ Take this ♪

♪ Hopeless ♪

♪ Broken soul of this ♪

♪ Remote control ♪

♪ Plot twist ♪

♪ A whole generation lost
With no promise ♪

♪ Can you feel my love ♪

♪ Do you know my pain ♪

♪ It's in my head every night I replay ♪

♪ A deadly game ♪

♪ For a natural born killer ♪

♪ I'm a natural born killer ♪

♪ Natural born killer ♪

♪ Okay ♪

♪ It's game face ♪

♪ Go time ♪

♪ Don't play ♪

♪ Never stand ♪

♪ In place ♪

♪ Just move, so don't wait ♪

♪ 'Cause all day ♪

♪ They'll say ♪

♪ Nice work ♪

♪ But no pay ♪

♪ Good game ♪

♪ Pump fame ♪

♪ Reach out ♪

♪ Touch faith ♪

♪ Can you feel my heart ♪

♪ Do you know my name ♪

♪ Can you feel my love ♪

♪ Do you know my pain ♪