All language subtitles for 11111__Lake.Placid.1999.720p.BrRip.x264.BOKUTOX.YIFY

They actually pay you for this,

to tag beaver?

Imagine.

Imagine.

Was that, like, sarcastic?

'Cause I know what you
Fish and Game guys think

of county sheriffs.

We know you like to
give these one-word,

sarcastic answers.

Gee.

You ask me,

what an animal does in the wild

is his own business.

So long as he
doesn't do it to man.

I think Mark Twain said that.

Yeah, I think he didn't.

But since you said it,
I guess we're covered.

Everyone's a comedian, sarcastic.

I'm sleepin'.

And right in the middle
of a good dream.

And all at once I wake up.

From something that keeps
knocking at my brain.

Before I go in sane.

I hold my pillow to my head...

Aah! Aah!

So what am I so afraid of.

I'm afraid that I'm not sure of...

Help!

I think I love you.

Isn't that what life is made of.

Though it worries...

Aah ha!

Ohh! Ohh!

No! Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Ohh! Don't let go!

Oh ho ho!

Aah!

Aw, Jesus Christ.

Kelly?

Hey, Kevin.

Hi.

Listen, uh, could I
Steal you for a minute?

What are you doing?

Heavy breathing, meditating.

Meditating?

Yes. To relieve stress.

Remember, Myra, you're the one

who taught me all about breathing.

Yes, but you're doing Lamaze.
Are you giving birth?

If you're upset,
long, deep breaths.

Kevin dumped me.

I know.

He told you?

Well, I sort of had, uh,
inside information.

You?

It started before you, Kelly.

I never would have--

You?

It was just a quick thing
That we thought was over,

and...it's not over.

You and Kevin.

I--I wish I could
say something to...

the heart wants
what the heart wants.

Sheriff Keough?

Yeah.

Fish and Game.
Jack Wells.

Any recent bear attacks?

This was no bear.

Bears don't attack
people underwater.

Probably a beaver, then.

Ah, a whole sentence sarcastic.

That the way
he came out of the water?

Yeah.

Hey.

Hey, Kevin, what's going on?
What's happening?

How's it goin'?
How's your family? Good?

It's great.
So nice to see you.

Fuck off.

This is business.

There was an accident in Maine.

Some guy got killed
by something in a lake.

Probably a bear,
But they found a tooth.

A tooth?

A fragment of a tooth,

one they say couldn't
have come from any bear.

Evidently it looks prehistoric,
like maybe a dinosaur.

Oh, well, then I'm sure
that that's what it was.

He was killed by a dinosaur.

Is there anything else?

I, uh, want you to go there.

What?

It's probably nothing,
But you're a palaeontologist.

This is what we do.

What do you mean,
this is what we do?

I'd like you to
check out this tooth.

I'm not a field person.

Well, on this one,
I would like you to be.

You want me to go to Maine
to look at a tooth?

Oh, this was Myra's
idea, wasn't it?

- Uh--
-Oh, of course.

Get me out of the office
for a few days,

wait till I cool off...

It has nothing to do with that.

I don't do field work,
and even if I did, Maine?

I'm allergic to timber.

- Kelly.
- I am not going to Maine.

I'm not going to Maine.

It's ridiculous.

It's gonna be rough

as we go over these mountains.

Yeah, that's fine.
Thank you.

We're doing the best we can.

Could you not talk to me?

Thank you.

Just came up screaming.

What did he say?

Just kind of gurgled.
He was pretty much dead.

You didn't see anything?

The lake was calm
until up he came.

The tooth is in here.

Oh, that's--
that's the morgue.

Yes.

Well, is the dead guy in there?

That's where they keep them.

Look...

you want me to bring
the tooth out here?

No.

No. Let's...

After you.

This is reptilian.
And this is not a fossil.

You really pulled this
out of this guy?

Yes, I did.

I'll need to get
a microscopic look at it.

There you go.

Great.

Maybe I should see--

I wouldn't.

I can deal with
dead men--bodies.

Ohh.

Uhh. Ohh, jeez.

How long did this attack
go on for?

Seconds.
8 maybe 10.

Oh, and, uh, this is how
he came up to the boat?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

I'd like to see this lake.

Nobody lives
with in 25 miles of it,

except some old couple
who live right on the lake.

Teenagers trek in
every once in a while

to skinny-dip.

None have disappeared.

None have spotted
anything unusual.

Did you talk to the old couple?

Not yet.

What kind of backup do we have?

We?

What?

I'm a little unclear
as to why the museum

would send somebody here.

You gota thing against museums?

No, I got nothing against museums.

Ever been in one?

What is that?

Lightweight forward-area
air-device unit.

Whatever's out there,

one shot with this, it's dead.

Why exactly would you have that?

God.

Mosquitoes. I gota thing
about mosquitoes.

If you're all set, let's go.

We're saved.

A museum in New York

just sent us some
additional backup.

Kelly Scott.

Jack Wells.

Hi.

Uh, some museum sent you, huh?

What, are we all
museum bigots in Maine?

She's rude sarcastic.

You two should get along.

I'm afraid I can't let you
go with us, ma'am.

Sheriff Keough said I could.

Unfortunately, Fish and Game
supersedes the sheriff.

Why do you have to supersede?
Maybe I might be of--

Ma'am, look,

this isn't some kind of
fact-finding expedition.

Yes, I know that.

It's not a science trip.

Could you be
a little more condescending?

'Cause I'm not real great
with subtlety.

Something in that lake
killed somebody, right?

I appreciate
you're trying to help.

I'm really glad that you
brought the raid.

Now, that's better.

Ma'am,
it's not gonna work--

If you call me "ma'am"
one more time, I'll sue you,

and with today's laws,
it's possible.

She's good.

Look, I won't interfere.

And if I do, you've got
a sheriff handy to arrest me,

but I understand if I threaten
your Fish and Game authority--

Excuse me.

Is it true you're going to look

for some kind of monster
in Black Lake?

Well, we're just gonna
investigate an accident.

There's no monster.

We heard a man was bit in half.

Well, there was an accident.

That's all. It's
nothing to worry about.

Oh, please.

All right. Let's go.

Well, my husband passed away.

It's been almost 2 years now.

My department doesn't
have any record of that,

Mrs. Bickerman.

Well, I'm sorry.

Incomplete records haunt me so.

What was the cause
of your husband's death,

ma'am, do you know?

We don't mean
to invade your privacy,

but was he ill?
Was he sick?

Was he swallowed?

Sheriff.

Uh, Mrs. Bickerman,
the reason we're here.

A man was fatally
attacked yesterday

by some animal in this lake.

Do you know how your husband died?

Oh, yes.

I killed him.

You killed him?

Oh, yes.

Uh...

and how would you have
accomplished this, ma'am?

Well...

He was very sick,

and--and he refused
to go to a doctor.

He'd be coherent one day
and incoherent the next.

And, well, one coherent day

he asked me to end his suffering.

And, um...

he kept insisting and insisting

and then, well,
finally I just gave in,

and I hit him on the head
with a skillet,

then buried him
out at the bulkhead.

Well, dig him up
if you don't believe me,

Sherlock.

Half mile up
there's a clearing.

What's with the water?
It's so black.

There's no waves or anything.

Well, they wanted to
call it "Lake Placid, "

but somebody said
that name was taken.

It's too bad.

Tents were sent ahead.

They should already be set up

by the time we get there.

Tents?

We're staying in tents?

I told you, 2 days
we'd have to camp.

Yes, camp,

but I thought that meant
"Ramada Inn."

I never heard tents.
Will there be toilets?

Maybe we should
just take you back.

Why, because I prefer a toilet?

Oh, God.

We forgot to pack
feminine napkins.

Oh, so you're with him now?

Taking his side.

I didn't say a word.

Oh, no, maybe I should
just wipe myself

with some leafy little piece
of poison oak.

And then I could
spend the whole day

scratching my ass,
blending in with the natives.

Then you'd be back on my side.

You know, you really
don't have to bother

telling people
you're from New York.

What the hell is that?

What?

There. I thought
I saw something.

Kelly:
Looks like a branch.

Oh, my God.

Aah!

Aah!

Hey.

You threw it at me!

I just let go of it.

You threw it at me!

Did you see that?
Oh!

Ma'am!

Stop hitting me.

Don't throw heads at me!

Stop calling me
"ma'am!"

Aw, Jesus.

Oh, God.

So, sheriff...

how many deputies you got?

What?

Could it be a bear?

I mean, the bears
get big here, right?

Hmm. I don't think a bear
could bite off a moose's head.

Everything you need
should be in there.

Ok. Good. Good.

So will we be
tent-mates then?

Nope.
This is all yours.

Ohh. Great.

Excellent.

If there's anything else
you need...

Uh, one thing
I wanted to ask you.

Uh, what's it like to be a woman

in the woods of Maine?

I mean, the guys don't turn
all horny or anything

like they did in
deliverance, right?

Oh.

I knew you were there.

Hmm.

Never been to Maine before, huh?

I have good hygiene.
I'm not welcome.

Why are you here, really?

I told you.

A museum doesn't send an
investigator into the woods--

How would you know

what a museum would
or would not do exactly?

Well, even if they did,

I doubt whether he or she
would have problems with tents.

So I don't like tents.
Why--

Oh, you don't like tents,
and you don't like mosquitoes.

Well, nobody likes
mosquit--

Look at your fingernails.

What's wrong with my fingernails?

You have as much business
being in the woods

as Emily Post.

No, it doesn't make sense.

They sent you out here
to examine a tooth.

And what are you doing
out here on the lake?

Oh, no.

What?

If this is who I think it is...

It is.

Who?

Hector Cyr.

He's this rich, kook
mythology professor.

You know him?

He's done some work
with our museum.

He also treks the world to s...

What?

To swim with crocodiles.

Crocodiles?

If he's here,

he must think you've got one.

Oh, look...

I admit I'm no brain scientist,

but I do know there's
no way a crocodile

can be in Maine, right?

You beat me!

Balls!

Splendid lake, eh?

Became a man on a lake like this.

Rubber raft.

Sylvia Blake.

She gave a like a cow.

Who do we have
from Fish and Game?

Me.

Who is this man?

I can see the algae blooms
Just coming in.

Look almost stagnant.

Hector Cyr.

Oh, the earth is round
and so should you be.

Who is he?

I need topographic studies.
You got any?

You don't just fly in here
and start barking orders.

I apologize. I just don't
want to lose the light

when we got time
for a quick scout.

Have you had a little work done?

I have not.

Who are you?

Hector Cyr.
I said it once.

Let me know when it sinks in, ok?

Have you seen it?

No.

Excuse me.
You came here to...

help you find it.

A crocodile?

Yeah.

They've been migrating north,
you know?

This lake does connect
to the ocean.

It's not as farfetched
as it may sound.

Crocodiles can't swim
in saltwater.

Yeah, well, that'll be
your little secret.

Come on.
We're losing time.

Why did the big one heckle me?

Hey, pal...

If he's close, we'll find him.

Their signatures
are unmistakable.

She tell you
that we had sex together?

So vigorous!

I never had sex with you.

Whew. I'm horrible in bed.
They never remember.

Whew. I'm horrible in bed.
They never remember.

God.

Wait.

Stop!

Thought I heard something.

I don't mean to be discourteous,

but, uh, how is it

a person could come to believe

a crocodile is in New England?

How could it survive winter?

Long as their nostrils
don't freeze,

they survive.

Am I foolish to explain things?

He had such trouble with my name.

- Hector.
- Hey.

Is this where it happened?

Around here.
Yeah.

We're a mile from the ocean.
Could've easily made it here.

Assuming he got
this far up the seaboard.

The big ones
have been on the move.

What have I been telling you?
You call me crazy.

Kelly:
Hector, just paddle.

You know, Sheriff,

when friends or family say things,

they tend not to register,

so sometimes it helps to hear it

from a total stranger.

You're fat.

Jesus. Hector!

Oh, yeah.

Kelly: What's that?

What is it?

White perch.

Are they feeding?

They aren't feeding.

They're scared.

-Aah!
-Aah!

Jesus!

Oh!

Oh!

Get your legs out of the water.

Don't move your legs.

Are you kidding me?

Keep your legs still.

Get off.

Hector, to the left.

Move it left!

Paddle, paddle!

No one actually saw anything.

Yes, I realize that, sir,

but something flipped us over,

and I doubt very much
if it was a mink.

I am a palaeontologist.

I work for
a natural history museum.

I am not some--

They don't believe her.

Thank you.

It's so rewarding to
imagine my tax dollar

finding its way to you,
you fuck-shit!

You're a saucy flirt.

You were right.

U.S.Wildlife
won't send anybody

without a confirmation.

We don't need 'em.

Sheriff.

Yeah?

Might wanna come
take a look at this.

Oh, my God.

Worms.

Oh, I got a thing about worms.

It's a human toe.

Some decomposition,
a little acidic--

definitely been swallowed.

Is this the man who was killed?

He seemed taller.

Phew.

You got a croc, all right.

They're a keystone species.

Did he just explain something?

Keystone species effects
the whole ecosystem.

That would explain these worms

and those perch.

We got a crocodile.

Here's your friend.

Tom Jones:
It's not unusual.

To be loved by anyone

It's not unusual.

To have fun with anyone.

But when I see you hangin' around

With anyone.

It's not unusual...

He paid us.

500.

It's a trap.

You accepted money from him?

We took a check.

When I see you out and about.

Law enforcement
is very dangerous work,

isn't it?

And you have such
big, wonderful boobs.

Ha ha. Thank you.

It's not unusual.

It happens every day.

Hey!

- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey!

You're on official business.

This is not a party.

Yeah, but now that you're here...

Whoo!

Yeah!

Quiet!

What's with digging the holes?

Well, crocodiles are--

are very brazen.

They like to come on land,

and of course
they're attracted to noise.

Everybody out!
Back to your tents!

Now!

Oh, could she stay?

We were...

we were hoping to mate.

No.

Out.

Now, you listen...

If it were up to me,
you'd be on your way home.

But I'm not in charge.

That's a shocker there.

I'm going to say this

because I believe in being
straight with people.

I think you are a mental.

Sheriff...

I appreciate your candor.
Really, I do.

I think it's always good to know

where somebody's coming from,

and, frankly,

your origins have been
a bit of a mystery to me.

Look how flat that water is.

You could get 10 skips
on a good one, easy.

Sorry?

Skipping stones.

Growing up,

I used to summer
At my grandparents' place

on a lake like this.

I'd skip stones all day.

Beat playing with the other kids.

I'm sure it did.

Look, I think it's best

if you stayed onshore a while.

I beg your pardon?

I'm not trying to pick a fight,

but whatever's out there
did flip a canoe.

I am not staying onshore.

It's dangerous.

No, I didn't fly up here
Just to roast marshmallows.

Why did you fly up here?

Look...

palaeontologists are not
sent to Maine

to hunt for crocodiles.

I was sent up here
to look at the tooth.

You looked at the tooth.

What are you doing out here?

I was dating my boss...

and he turned out to be
involved with a co worker

who was also my friend.

And for the sake
of comfort--theirs--

I was shipped off to Maine.

And I don't feel
like going back yet.

I'm not making it up.

Still, you don't
have to stay out here.

I mean, you can stay in town.

I've come. I'm here.
I'm staying...

unless there are ticks.

I know crocodiles.

And I won't get in your way.

I just really do want
to be a part of this.

7:00 A.M.?

Thank you.

Good night.

Thank you.

Jesus fucking Christ!

Ohh. What the hell
are you doing?

What the hell are you doing?!

Oh, Jesus.
You clowning around?

I'm laying a spring trap!

A spring trap?

I keep telling you
they can come on land.

I could've shot you.

This could end up
saving your life,

which is meaningful for you,

because the more you live,

the more sex you get to
have with your sister!

What's going on?

He's crawling around
like a cockroach here.

I don't care
how much money--

He's waving
his little wang around!

He's scaring the shit out of me!

How big is this?

All right, all right!

I'll say this once.

Your fancy equipment aside,

which we appreciate--

if you interfere, you're gone.

Simple as that.

How much of a wacko is this guy?

Well...

the thing about Hector

is he takes this
crocodile business very...

Oh, man.

He thinks they're godly.

What was that?

In his defence,

every primitive culture
known to man deified them.

Ancient China, Egypt,
Australia, Asia.

Going back in history,

crocodiles have been
more worshipped than Jesus.

Is this supposed to make us

take him more seriously?

No, it's supposed to make you
understand him.

He's a mythology professor.

He believes
that they're divine conduits.

And he can find them,

so we should try
to put up with him.

He's a fruitcake.

We should get some sleep.

Yeah.

Aah!

Damn it!

And he's a good trapper.

We can expect a quick response

if he hears that.

Adult crocs will move
on distressed hatchlings.

Again, I don't mean to be annoying

with my questions

but if it is a crocodile,

which I don't think it is,

and they do charge these
baby hatchling sounds,

why would you want to be
underwater at the time?

With you, it makes sense.

You see, Sheriff, the thing is,

they don't really
attack underwater.

That Walt guy got hit underwater.

True. They don't see
that well underwater.

They have nictitating
lenses on their eyes...

Burke, stop here.

- Now?
-Yeah.

...You dive underwater

and they probably won't
be able to see you.

I hate to interrupt
but we got work to do.

Hey, we can talk if we want.

Yeah, we can talk if we want.

Would you mind putting down
the anchor?

Wait till we're down there

before you turn that thing on.

Got it.

Let's go, Hector.

Good luck.

I brought a pork chop for luck.

Maybe you can hang it
around you neck.

That's sweet.

Maybe later you can chew the bark

off my big, fat log.

Was that, like,
a homosexual remark?

Don't ask me.

Could be a mental.

I heard if a mental person
is rich enough,

they just call him eccentric.

He's not mental.

He's seen every crocodile
in the world.

He even swam in the Grametti
with killer Niles.

He never got nipped.

And that's why he thinks
they're godly--

'Cause they don't bite him?

I don't know.

He said he knew it when
he looked in their eyes.

"Eyes of a Dragon."

So much for crocodiles.

It's probably on land.

Yeah, right.

What was that?

I don't know.

Aah!

Shit.

Hey! Something's got
the anchor line!

Untie it!
Untie the line!

I'm trying!

Hurry!

Cut the line!

Right!

Shit!

Come on.

What happened?

I don't know.

Hurry. Hurry up.

Must've just let go.

Come on.

Shit! Hurry!

Hank!

Ok!

Oh!

Hurry!

Hurry.

My God, it's right under you!

Aah! Oh, Christ.

Come on, get in the boat.

You all right?

Yeah.

Where's Hector?

I lost track.

We went different directions.

There's some bubbles over there.

Pull it up.

All right. Come on.
Bring him aboard.

What's happened?

Come on.

You see it?
How big is it?

Shut up and get on board.

We lost track of it.
Burke, pull up the speaker!

Are you all right?

-Grab him!
-Aah!

Pull him in!

Pull him in!

Aah! Aah!

That it?

Yeah.

Nobody actually saw it.
It happened suddenly.

Didn't get caught in the outboard?

It wasn't the outboard.

Tell them to get here fast, huh?

You ok?

Kelly?

Yeah.

Nobody saw anything.

No.

U.S.Wildlife's
on their way.

The police want to keep
everything quiet

so the press doesn't
get wind of anything.

Everybody just wants us to...

"Sit tight"

Are you...ok?

Well...

you know...

Yeah.

Well, Sheriff, I'm, uh...

Very sorry about your deputy.

He was a good man?

Yep.

Whenever somebody dies, I...

I always think
that it's such a waste

that I didn't know them
any better.

Sorry for your loss, Hector.

Not really what I meant.

Head was just...

bitten off.

You know, I used to have
a recurring nightmare

that I was headless.

I'd be down on the ground

looking up at my body, no head,

just walking around
bumping into everything.

And my parents...

wouldn't let me in the house.

Because they just bought
all these antique lamps,

and they didn't want me
to knock them over,

the fuckers.

Then the neighbourhood bullies,

they'd see my round
head on the ground

looking like a ball,

and they'd come over,

and they'd start a soccer game.

And as I was being kicked around,

I'd actually just feel grateful

for being allowed in the game.

What are--
What are your thoughts?

You know, Hector...

I'm sure you're a fine person

in your own mental way,

but I think it would be best

if you and I didn't speak.

Yaaah!

When is U.S.Wildlife
getting here?

I'm still waiting
to confirm if they...

Oh, Jesus.

I--I could probably
cut him down,

but there's this
odd look of mayhem

on his
upside-down face.

Hank.

Yes?

Are you all right?

Could you cut me down?

Do you promise

that you won't attempt
to injure me?

I have no interest in ever
looking at you, Hector.

Ok.

Just, uh, pull him down.

It's a counterweight.

Here. I'll get the knife.

If I'd remembered it was there,

I never would've let
you walk that way.

I never would've let
you walk that way.

All right. It's over.

It's over. Remember?

You promised
not to hurt him, so...

I lied.

Wait. Hey! Hey!

Come on! Hold up!

Nowhere to go, my friend.

Now, just--come on!
Knock it off.

Knock it off.
Put that down.

Just settle...

Jesus! Look out!

Whoa!

Aw, shit!

Ok.

I admit it.

It's a crocodile.

Kelly: He's an Indo-Pacific.

Scales were oval.
He's an Asian crocodile.

Why would he come here?
It's impossible.

Asia.
How would he get here?

Obviously some
asshole in Hong Kong

flushed him down the toilet.

He was 30 feet, right?
Had to be.

Well, now maybe somebody's
happy I brought my big gun.

Oh you're gonna
blow him away now?

I should think so.

With your cannon?

Right.
What, I shouldn't?

Well, he's a miracle of nature,

but I know he's very scary.

You're the miracle of nature.

Guys, guys, easy.

We're not gonna do
anything tonight.

I never heard of a crocodile
crossing an ocean.

Well, they conceal information

like that in books.

All right, pal!

Hey, hey, hey.

No, no.
Let him go.

I'm sick of him, too.

I do need to warn you, Sheriff.

The thing about being rich,

my parents did have
the added luxury

of ditching me off
at karate school

on a regular basis,
so I am a brown belt.

Go ahead.
Take your best shot.

Ohh!

Hank!

He said he knew karate.

You hit him.

I did, yeah.

Here.

Did he say "go"?

Aren't you supposed
to say "go" in karate?

You're supposed
to say "go."

Hank, just keep your
distance from him.

Go to your tent.
Cool down.

He doesn't answer my questions?

Why don't you answer my questions?

I fall into a hole.

I go up in a tree.

I swear to God,
I'll say "go."

You bow,
and then you say "go."

As in
"go fuck yourself."

Jesus. They're just
like children.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm all right.

I've got something for that.

I can fix that.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Ohh!

I just gotta pull it
a little tighter.

There we go.

Who taught you to be a nurse?

Father's a surgeon.

I can even stitch in a pinch,

which probably wouldn't
be such a bad idea.

Uh, no, thanks.

Ok.

You should have seen
the look on your face

when that croc jumped out.

Uh-huh.

You see the look on the bear?

That was the look.

I don't know.

The laws of nature
could be changing, Jack.

That thing out there,
that's--

You're having the best time
of your life, aren't you?

What?

What? People
have been killed.

I hardly think I'm
having a good time.

Why would you--

Does it show?

This is the first time
I've ever actually...

you know, been in
the middle of anything.

Is that why you're here,

to get in the middle
of something?

Maybe.

I've always read
about what's happened.

I've never...

We should go to bed.

I mean we should go to, uh...

rest.

We should go to our
separate tents,

and--here--
get some--go.

I got it.

Thanks for the bandage.

Night.

Yeah.

It doesn't even see him.

There, he got it.

He has one natural enemy.

Only one.

Man?

Man.

So you're the big expert.

You think ours is some
kind of mutant or---

Not necessarily.
There's a 30-footer in India.

Biggest one ever killed
on record was 27 feet.

So why is he here?

Honestly...

I don't know.

Keep your eyes peeled.

You know how fast
these things can be.

I've got ticks, I know it.

They're just so drawn to me.

I gota thing about ticks.

Crawling up your pant leg.

Putt heir heads under your skin.

Look.

What?

Jack.

That's a pretty big print.

Seems like
we're getting lower.

That's what happens when I land.

Why are we landing?

Because this is the cove
that he obviously lives in.

So why are we landing?

Hector!

We can lift it?

Maybe.

Don't want to mush it there.

I'm not mushing it.

You might mush it.
It's a little soft.

For Christ's sake,
I'm not mushing it!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Oh, God.

Ok.

That is it!
That is it!

No, no, I keep
getting hit with heads!

Try to calm down.

You calm down!

Calm down, ok?
Just keep breathing.

I'm being very calm!
I am composed!

This is the second time.

I've been hit
with a severed head,

and it upsets me!

What the hell?

Aah!

I...

I just want to go back
to my tent now.

Can we please go back?

You gotta be kidding.

I'm not kidding!

Look.

The itsy-bitsy spider.

Crawled up the water spout.

Down comes the rain.

To wash the spider out.

Kelly: What is she doing?

Dum de dum de dum.

Kelly: Oh.

What?

Look 10 feet into the water.

Come and get it!

Wow.

Disgusting.

I haven't broken any laws.

Oh, but you have, ma'am.

You lied to us.

That can be
obstruction of justice.

A man has been killed,

in part because of your silence.

I could make out a charge

of reckless endangerment.

And I'm sure PETA
would be annoyed

at how you treat your cows.

The reason I lied,
if I told you the truth,

you'd hunt it down and kill it,

which seems to be exactly
what you're trying to do.

How long have you
been feeding this thing?

6 years.

6 years?

Well, Bernie was out fishing,

and it followed him home.

So we threw it some scraps,

and, well, he didn't
seem to bother anybody.

He became kind of like a pet
who lives in the wild.

He just appeared?

You have no idea
how he arrived here?

No. Do you?

Your husband Bernie,

you didn't, by any chance,

lead him to the lake blindfolded?

If I had a dick,

this is where I'd
tell you to suck it.

Did the crocodile
kill your husband?

Yes, but it was all...

it was a mistake.

A mistake?

One of our horses
got loose 2 years ago.

Went to the lake to drink,

and the crocodile
started coming in,

and Bernie went
to intercede, and--

if I'd reported it,

they'd have sent people
to kill it.

Ma'am, how could you
not report this?

It puts human life at risk.

Nobody lives on this lake.

It's really his lake now.

Come on, Hector.
I know you're crazy,

but you can't do this.

I need to see his habitat
up close, Deputy Gare.

Then watch Nova, ok?

But don't go in the water.

Please.

I'll have sex with you.

Let's just get out of here.

Darling,

he's not gonna hurt me.

Don't.

Hector!

Murders and rapes in the cities.

People bomb planes.

Can the police stop them?
No.

But feed one little cow
to a crocodile--

You stay right here
until the police show.

You're under full house arrest.

Thank you...

Officer Fuckmeat.

Sheriff,
we gota problem with Hector.

What problem?

He went swimming.

Check.

Oh, my.

Suddenly I feel
a bit foolish here.

You're different from the others.

Holy Spirit of Sobek.

Holy Ghost.

Holy shit.

Hector!

Just turn the ignition.

It's fuel injected.

Come on!

I know that under
the circumstances,

biting my head off

might seem viable.

It would cheapen you.

I may get a shot!

No!

Bullets might not
penetrate its hide.

Oh, Jesus. All right,
just a little further.

Just like that.

Move over!

Go!

-Go!
- I'm trying!

Ahh! Jesus!

That's your last little
stunt, Mr. Crocodile.

You're grounded.

This is some very
delicate equipment

that you're throwing around.

I don't care.
You trying to kill your self.

You want to meet
Your maker, is that it?

You might think they're godly,

you might get some spiritual lift

out of backstroking with dragons,

but you just put a deputy
at risk out there, sir.

Let's not overlook the fact
that he didn't eat me.

'Cause he just ate a cow, stupid.

I'm a civilian.
I'm not a trout.

You have no authority
over me whatsoever.

You have no authority
over me whatsoever.

Hey, hey, I can arrest you.

Well, then do it.

You hurt his feelings.

I don't care.
Do you care?

No. He's an asshole.

Did you want to be killed by it?

You think I'm that nuts?

Hector.

What you just did,

there had to be at least some
sort of a death wish going on.

In ancient Melanesia,

people suspected of crimes

would be thrown
to the crocodiles.

Crocodiles would decide.

They would be the judge.

Oh, and so that was you
wanting to be judged out there?

Maybe I was, and so what?

Is that too arbitrary?

Better to be measured by my wealth?

Better for me
to get my self-esteem

looking in the eyes
of cheap sycophants

craving a meal ticket?

There was more honesty
in those dragon's eyes.

There was more dignity
in those dragon's eyes.

Jesus, Hector, cut the shit.

Aw, fuck it.

So, can I tell them you won't
go back in the water?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I'm not going back in the water.

No way I'm going
back in the water.

Ok.

Kelly.

We can't let'em kill it.

Yeah,
pull all the trucks in

and start packing.

Everything?

Yeah.

All right.

Just heard from Wildlife
and Florida Fish and Game.

They're gonna be here in 3 hours.

Ok.

So we might as well pack up.

Good idea.

Will they try to trap him?

Sorry?

Florida Fish and Game.

What'll they do
when they get here?

Tell her, Jack.

Won't be able to snag him
in pitments, right?

And you tranq him in the water,

and he drowns.

They could try
to tranq him on land.

Oh, sure, they could,
but they won't.

He's taken human life.

The mission will be
to put him down.

Is that true?

They've never been able
to trap anything 30 feet.

But they have to try, right?

Where are they gonna
take him, Florida?

Back to Asia?

I got enough flaxidyl
with me to put him out--

Forget it.

Jack, hear me out.

I know I'm a fat,
rich, nut fuck, wacko

who's about as grounded
as a street pigeon,

Keep going.

But this thing...

Here?

Maine?

30 feet?

Don't you think we're dealing

with a bit of a miracle?

Yeah. The miracle would be
to take him alive.

Yeah, but if we could
neutralize him--

How are we gonna neutralize him?

Lure him on land
and pump him full of drugs.

Oh, right.

I know of an empty
oil tank in Portland.

If we drugged him, we
could contain him there.

He's 150 years old.

He probably swam here
from another continent.

He's migrated to Maine.

How the hell do we say
we just kill it?

Jack, this thing being here

does have some
ecological significance.

And you are in the business

of protecting things
against extinction.

Including deputies.

I understand that,

but if it's possible
to take him alive--

No, it's not possible.

Look, he follows anything
that moves, right?

We seta trap on the beach.
I got enough net--

No. There's no net
that's gonna hold him.

It'll keep him
tangled long enough

for the drugs to kick in.

For God's sake, Jack,

they've trapped crocs
bigger than 20 feet.

This is not completely
out of the question.

It's possible, and you know that.

And those fucks from
Florida won't even try,

and you know that, too.

I got the drugs.
He's gota big cannon

if anything goes wrong.

How do you get him to the net?

Ask Mrs. Bickerman
to call him?

You guys can be in the trucks

with the tranq guns.

If he charges, you take off.

He's not that fast.

We just have to try.

One try.
Just one try.

Like Hank says,

how would we lure him in?

I'll sue you!

Go ahead.

You can't take a cow
by eminent domain!

We just did!

We won't let her get hurt, ma'am.

You're all cock suckers!

I knew at first.
I just didn't want to say it.

We know what we're doing.

We gota cow hanging
from a helicopter.

Not much drag.

As long as I can keep her
from swinging, we're ok.

We're doing the right thing.

You might feel different
if you get eaten.

Yeah, thanks.

Tranq gun with every rifle.

That's as far back
as it goes, right?

Hector, keep enough
tension to hold her up.

We don't know
how well she can swim.

Right.

I hate to say it.

The more she thrashes,
the better.

You ready
on shore?

Yeah,
we're all right. We're ready.

Ok.

If she gets tired, pull her out.

Jack:
What's she doing now?

She's trying to fly.

This is not a happy cow.

I'm rooting for the crocodile.

I hope he swallows
Your friends whole.

You might want to arrest
me for that, too.

Is that a crime--

To wish the chewing
of law enforcement?

I'm not sure, ma'am.

You got'em?

Yeah, over here.

Little battery!

What's the deal?

Well, we tried.

Just a little longer, please.

She doesn't seem to be swimming.

No, she's floating.

She looks like a giant tea bag.

Ok, Hector.

Good plan, bad bait.
Game's up.

The cow disappoints me.

Hold on.

I got something on the screen.

What do you got?

He's coming.

Where?

How far out?

30 meters or so.

He's moving slow,
but he's definitely coming.

Can you confirm visually
or just radar?

Radar.

He's underwater,

but he is coming!

All right, everybody
back in the trucks!

Move, move, move!

Let's go, let's go!

Let's go!

Lead him in.

On our way.

Remember to aim
for the stomach and the sides!

These darts
won't pierce his back!

He's surfacing.
There's his snout.

There he is!

We've spotted him, Hector.

You little snacker.

If he gets near her, pull up.

She's worried about the cow now.

Nice and slow, Hector.

This net thing better work.

He got you with it.

We're in about 4 feet
of water now.

She's mooing.

You wouldn't?

You wouldn't?

She's also kicking.

A little closer, Hector.

Oh, shit.

Watch out!

Motherfucker!

Shit!

Where is he?

We gotta getto him.

Back us up.

Lose the tranq guns.
Go to the rifles.

Getthe rifles!

Where'd he go?

Hold up.

Don't go back into the water.

If you get a safe shot, take it.

Do not move, Hector!

Can you see anything
from out there?

Nothing!

Maybe he swam back out!

Jesus!

Hector!

Hey!

Get back in the truck!

I got him covered.

Where is he?

I don't know.

He's gone under.

I just have this feeling
everything's totally safe.

There!

He's swimming out!

I think I see him!

I think I see his tail!

Shit! Kelly!

Aah!

Kelly!

Kelly, swim, swim to me!

Swim to me, Kelly!

Shoot the fucking thing!

I don't have a clean shot.

Dive under!

Go under!

Fuck.

"Let's save him."

What a fucking great idea.

Come on.

Here.

Here we go.

Where is he?

I don't know.

We can't see him.

What-What?

Hector!

All right.

Game over.

Look.

He's suffering.

I get to be humane.

No, no!

No, no, no, look, he's trapped!

We've done it!

So what? It's not a net,
but he's trapped.

Mission accomplished.

Shoot him.

I got more drugs.
He's half dead.

He's half alive.
Shoot him!

The drugs are kicking in.

Look at him.

He's done.

Hank.

All right, stand back.

No, no, no, Sheriff.

Look.

Look, look.

He's got nothing left.

Go ahead.
Shoot him.

Really?

-Jack, we don't--
- Kelly.

We don't have to destroy him!

God damn it, look at him!

Let me have that.

Kelly:
He's been neutralized.

Come on, Jack,
he's trapped!

Look at him!
He can't move!

What's the point?

We don't have to do this.

Jack, you don't have to.
Please!

Oh, God!

He's got me!

Jesus!

Jesus Christ!

Are there 2?
I think there's 2.

I can see that.

He bit me!

He bit me!
There's 2,there's 2!

I can count.

No!

Back to one.

Go ahead.

Flax him.

Oh, here they are.

Just in time.
Nice to see you.

We're gonna need
to get this reptile

some medical attention.

We, uh...

trapped him with our chopper.

Portland?

Yes, Portland.

They'll tank him there
until we figure out

something better to do.

So, Sheriff, Sheriff,

you got to fire
your big gun finally.

Was it fun?

Overrated.

What'd Bickerman say?

Well, she didn't want to tell us

about the second croc,

'cause she was afraid
we'd blow its head off.

Women's intuition.

We got room for one more.

Someone should
probably go with him.

Uh...

I'm still packing up some stuff,

but, uh...

I'll go.

So, I imagine you're gonna have

a few reports to do.

If you need anything, let me know.

Yeah. It was nice meeting you.

Gee, Hank,
don't get all choked up.

With you, I'm still mixed.

Oh, well, then, just to
offend you on principle, then.

See you.

Well...

You want a ride in my truck?

Oh, we just finished

loading up the front oft he truck.

Do you want us to
take some stuff out?

No, no, that's all right.

I'm gonna be
a little while anyway.

I want to go say
good-bye to the lake.

You sure, because
I don't mind--

No. I actually want
to stay a little longer.

All right.

All right.

If I'm ever in New York, I'll...

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, does nobody ever
make a move in Maine?

That's it?
You slide your duffel bag?

Just...

get in the truck.

Go for a beer.

There's a good bar in town.

Bet that's charming.

Are the glasses clean?

Mostly.

You gonna complain
the whole time?

Jack.

Start the truck.

I already miss the crocodile.

Cute little buttons.
Oh, ho ho.

Oh, mama loves you.

Come on.

Eat your supper.

Nibble mommy's toes.

Yes.