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[IAN LLOYD'S "BROTHER LOUIE"
PLAYING]
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Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
3
00:00:15,915 --> 00:00:19,407
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah
4
00:00:20,887 --> 00:00:24,345
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
5
00:00:25,392 --> 00:00:28,987
Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry
6
00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:33,592
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
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00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:38,128
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah
8
00:00:39,272 --> 00:00:42,969
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
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00:00:43,943 --> 00:00:47,435
Louie, Louie, you're gonna die
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Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
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00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:52,576
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
12
00:00:52,752 --> 00:00:55,516
I'm 41 and I'm single.
13
00:00:55,688 --> 00:00:59,124
Not really single, just alone.
14
00:00:59,292 --> 00:01:03,353
But I have two children, and that's the only
thing I'm comfortable with in life anymore.
15
00:01:03,530 --> 00:01:05,589
I know how to take care
of a couple of kids.
16
00:01:05,765 --> 00:01:09,861
I don't like French toast.
Well, sorry, that's what we're having.
17
00:01:10,036 --> 00:01:12,527
Mommy doesn't make us
French toast.
18
00:01:12,705 --> 00:01:16,197
I go to my daughter's school
to volunteer sometimes.
19
00:01:16,376 --> 00:01:18,037
My daughter goes to a public school.
20
00:01:18,211 --> 00:01:21,339
I volunteer not because I'm a good person
but because you have to...
21
00:01:21,514 --> 00:01:22,913
...because nobody works there.
22
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,812
There's just nobody there.
23
00:01:24,984 --> 00:01:27,452
You go in this school,
like thousands of kids, and go:
24
00:01:27,620 --> 00:01:30,180
"Where is any grown-up right now?"
25
00:01:30,356 --> 00:01:32,722
And I usually go for lunch and recess.
26
00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:35,486
That's when they really need
grown-ups, is for lunch...
27
00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:38,460
...to volunteer in the cafeteria,
because they only--
28
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They have 300 kids eating...
29
00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:43,791
...and they have one Jamaican lady
watching all of them.
30
00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:46,768
It doesn't matter that she's Jamaican,
but it totally does...
31
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...because there's nobody
who can be mean...
32
00:01:51,244 --> 00:01:54,270
...to 300 children just in the way
that the Jamaican lady--
33
00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:57,143
And it's not her fault,
she's outnumbered, 300 kids to one.
34
00:01:57,317 --> 00:01:59,148
Gandhi would be like, "Shut up!"
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So my job as a volunteer is to stand there,
near my daughter so I can be with her...
36
00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:08,651
...and then kids raise their hand,
you need to go and help them.
37
00:02:08,828 --> 00:02:13,788
Usually, they need help opening a milk,
because they can't open their milks.
38
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,867
They can't do it...
39
00:02:16,035 --> 00:02:18,526
...because it's 2009...
40
00:02:18,705 --> 00:02:23,438
...and we still put milk
in this little paper box.
41
00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:27,478
Put it in a bottle. I don't know
why we're doing it. It's torture.
42
00:02:27,647 --> 00:02:30,377
We put it in this envelope...
43
00:02:30,550 --> 00:02:35,544
...that was invented
by some Dutch **** in 1773.
44
00:02:36,456 --> 00:02:39,619
And they can't do it, they can't open it.
45
00:02:39,792 --> 00:02:45,458
It's too subtle an idea, a design,
for a 7-year-old to peel back the paper...
46
00:02:45,632 --> 00:02:49,124
...and then gather it forward
into a spout shape.
47
00:02:49,302 --> 00:02:51,031
And they-- And the glue is vicious...
48
00:02:51,204 --> 00:02:54,230
...so they have to pick at the corner
and try to get it...
49
00:02:54,407 --> 00:02:58,571
...and they end up drinking
out of this finger-filth disease spout.
50
00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:00,474
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
51
00:03:00,647 --> 00:03:03,980
So they can't do it, so they raise
their hand, and I do it for them.
52
00:03:04,150 --> 00:03:06,311
I'm not better at it.
53
00:03:07,787 --> 00:03:11,188
I just-- I deal with the stress
better than they do.
54
00:03:11,357 --> 00:03:15,225
I don't cry like a little bitch
because I can't open my milk.
55
00:03:16,729 --> 00:03:17,753
I'm a man.
56
00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:23,528
Hi, Daddy.
Hey, honey.
57
00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:27,799
Just find a seat near the front, okay?
I'll be on in a minute. Hi, kids.
58
00:03:27,974 --> 00:03:31,432
WOMAN: All right, everyone
on the bus and quiet down, okay?
59
00:03:31,611 --> 00:03:33,010
Hey, Susan.
Hey.
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00:03:33,179 --> 00:03:35,340
Thanks for helping me today.
No problem.
61
00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:40,010
All right, kids, let's go.
All right.
62
00:03:43,790 --> 00:03:46,122
[KIDS CHATTERING]
63
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:51,664
Hey. Hey, this is pretty great.
We get to go on a trip, huh?
64
00:03:51,831 --> 00:03:53,924
GIRL:
Violet? Violet?
65
00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:56,466
So where you wanna go?
66
00:03:57,103 --> 00:03:59,765
What?
You wanna go somewhere.
67
00:03:59,939 --> 00:04:02,271
Where do you
wanna go?
68
00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:05,937
What is this, a cab? We're--
The Bronx Botanical Gardens.
69
00:04:06,112 --> 00:04:08,273
We're going to the
Bronx Botanical Gardens.
70
00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:10,643
Okay, how do you
get there?
71
00:04:11,517 --> 00:04:13,382
What?
GIRL: Violet?
72
00:04:13,553 --> 00:04:15,885
How do we get there?
73
00:04:16,756 --> 00:04:20,248
How do you not know this?
How?
74
00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:23,088
[NEWSPAPER CRINKLING]
75
00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:27,362
Look, just-- Sir, go to--
Sir, can you just go uptown, okay?
76
00:04:27,533 --> 00:04:29,967
Hey, go to the Bronx.
77
00:04:30,136 --> 00:04:33,196
Just take the West Side Highway
and I'll find out.
78
00:04:33,373 --> 00:04:35,136
You'd better.
79
00:04:36,476 --> 00:04:38,376
[ENGINE STARTS]
80
00:04:38,645 --> 00:04:41,705
We're moving, we're moving!
This is fun.
81
00:04:41,881 --> 00:04:43,280
Yep.
82
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:53,953
Hello, is this the Bronx--?
Is this the Bronx Botanical Garden?
83
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,123
Hello, yes?
84
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:59,459
Yeah, hi, I'm sorry,
I'm on a school bus full of children, I--
85
00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:00,929
That's okay.
86
00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:04,763
Can you give me directions to where
you are from the West Side Highway?
87
00:05:04,937 --> 00:05:08,805
You can't be on the West Side Highway.
Well, we're on it right now.
88
00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:11,375
Sir, it's illegal to take a bus
on that highway.
89
00:05:12,011 --> 00:05:13,603
But....
90
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:17,516
Sir, do you know that it's illegal
to take a bus on this road?
91
00:05:18,084 --> 00:05:19,108
I don't know, man.
92
00:05:19,285 --> 00:05:22,846
You told me to take the
West Side Highway, so I'm on it.
93
00:05:28,928 --> 00:05:30,395
LOUIE:
Are we gonna hit that?
94
00:05:30,563 --> 00:05:32,997
I don't know. Why don't you
go sit down somewhere?
95
00:05:35,468 --> 00:05:36,799
Oh, shit.
96
00:05:36,969 --> 00:05:39,233
[KIDS SCREAMING]
97
00:05:42,141 --> 00:05:44,632
It's okay. It's okay.
It's okay. What is that?
98
00:05:44,811 --> 00:05:48,008
Oh, man, we got a flat.
I gotta pull over.
99
00:06:11,437 --> 00:06:13,837
LILY:
Daddy, where are we?
100
00:06:14,006 --> 00:06:16,031
Uh, Harlem.
101
00:06:21,681 --> 00:06:25,640
Hey, so, what's the plan?
I don't know.
102
00:06:27,687 --> 00:06:31,680
Hey, man, what do you have to do
to be a bus driver, nothing?
103
00:06:32,658 --> 00:06:36,992
How can you be so goddamn irresponsible
when you're transporting children?
104
00:06:37,163 --> 00:06:41,998
Does that mean nothing to you?
You almost got everybody hurt.
105
00:06:43,536 --> 00:06:47,996
Do you have kids?
What kind of a person are you?
106
00:06:50,877 --> 00:06:52,538
What are you doing?
107
00:06:52,712 --> 00:06:54,339
Hey, hey, hey,
where are you going?
108
00:06:54,514 --> 00:06:56,982
I live three blocks from here.
I don't need this shit.
109
00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:58,811
You're not seriously leaving.
110
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:01,818
Look, you're the one that said
get on the West Side Highway.
111
00:07:01,988 --> 00:07:06,186
Remember that,
you redheaded-nobody piece of shit.
112
00:07:11,898 --> 00:07:15,095
Uh, okay, kids, here's what's
going on. We have a flat tire.
113
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,462
[KIDS LAUGHING]
114
00:07:16,636 --> 00:07:18,627
Yeah, yeah, yes.
115
00:07:18,805 --> 00:07:21,603
Yes, that's very funny.
It is. It is.
116
00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:24,641
Okay, here's what
we're gonna do. Uh....
117
00:07:24,811 --> 00:07:27,075
John and Lisa, switch seats.
118
00:07:27,246 --> 00:07:29,806
Jeremy and Maria,
you switch seats too.
119
00:07:29,982 --> 00:07:32,109
And you two switch seats.
What are you doing?
120
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,344
I'm putting darker kids
in the window seats--
121
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,112
That's horrible,
that's offensive.
122
00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:39,753
I know, right?
Okay, also, Mikey, you sit--
123
00:07:39,926 --> 00:07:41,791
What is your plan here?
I don't know.
124
00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:45,692
Are we gonna take 20 kids and walk
through Harlem, look for a subway station?
125
00:07:45,865 --> 00:07:49,596
Yeah, yeah, that is what we're
gonna do. Okay, new field trip, guys.
126
00:07:49,769 --> 00:07:51,703
All right, listen up,
eyes on me.
127
00:07:51,871 --> 00:07:53,463
We are going
to get off the bus...
128
00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:56,472
...and we are gonna
get ourselves home, okay?
129
00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:58,132
GIRL:
But we're in Harlem.
130
00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:01,678
Yes, we are in Harlem. This is a poor area.
Hey. Hey, Dimitrio.
131
00:08:01,848 --> 00:08:03,816
Yeah, yeah, it's Louis C.K.
132
00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:24,896
Do you realize what
you're teaching them?
133
00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:27,062
Uh-huh. All right, kids,
new field trip.
134
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,674
Everybody gets to go home
in their own limousine.
135
00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,639
KIDS:
Yeah!
136
00:08:31,811 --> 00:08:35,178
Get in the car, get in the car.
Go, go, go, get in the car.
137
00:08:39,819 --> 00:08:42,151
LOUIE: A lot of people
who think they're good people...
138
00:08:42,321 --> 00:08:46,553
...are living a really evil life
without thinking about it.
139
00:08:46,726 --> 00:08:49,854
And here's the thing.
The whole premise of my life is evil.
140
00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:52,224
I'm white, my kids are white...
141
00:08:52,398 --> 00:08:55,890
...which means they can't really
screw up too badly...
142
00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:58,628
...because they'll get
like a million chances.
143
00:08:58,804 --> 00:08:59,896
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
144
00:09:00,172 --> 00:09:01,537
My life is really evil, like I--
145
00:09:01,707 --> 00:09:06,701
There are people who are starving
in the world, and I drive an Infiniti.
146
00:09:06,879 --> 00:09:08,403
That's really evil.
147
00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:12,449
There are people who just starve to death.
That's all they ever did.
148
00:09:12,618 --> 00:09:15,280
There's people who are born
and they go, "Oh, I'm hungry."
149
00:09:15,454 --> 00:09:17,251
And then they just die.
150
00:09:17,423 --> 00:09:20,824
And that's all they ever got to do.
151
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:25,630
And meanwhile, I'm in my car, "boom,
boom, pow," like, having a great time...
152
00:09:25,798 --> 00:09:28,289
...and I sleep like a baby.
153
00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:29,957
It's totally my fault...
154
00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:33,833
...because I could trade my Infiniti
for, like, a really good car...
155
00:09:34,006 --> 00:09:36,566
...Iike a nice Ford Focus
with no miles on it...
156
00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:39,802
...and I'd get back like $20,000.
157
00:09:39,979 --> 00:09:43,642
And I could save hundreds of people
from dying of starvation with that money...
158
00:09:43,816 --> 00:09:46,046
...and every day, I don't do it.
159
00:09:46,218 --> 00:09:48,914
Every day, I make them die
with my car.
160
00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:51,079
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
161
00:09:56,395 --> 00:09:57,726
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
162
00:09:57,897 --> 00:10:01,663
It's not fun to be single at 41.
I was married for 10 years.
163
00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:05,326
I'm divorced. I got two children.
It's hard to start again after a marriage.
164
00:10:05,504 --> 00:10:07,495
It's hard to really look
at somebody and go:
165
00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:10,301
"Hey, maybe something nice will happen."
You just don't--
166
00:10:10,476 --> 00:10:16,278
I know too much about life
to have any optimism...
167
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:20,112
...because I know even if it's nice,
it's going to lead to shit.
168
00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:23,153
I know that if you smile at somebody
and they smile back...
169
00:10:23,322 --> 00:10:26,951
...you've just decided that something shitty
is going to happen.
170
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,825
You might have a nice couple of dates...
171
00:10:29,996 --> 00:10:33,056
...but then she'll stop calling you back,
and that'll feel shitty.
172
00:10:33,232 --> 00:10:36,292
Or you'll date for a long time,
she'll have sex with your friend...
173
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,994
...or you will with one of hers,
and that'll be shitty.
174
00:10:39,171 --> 00:10:41,162
Or you'll get married
and it won't work out.
175
00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:44,776
You'll get divorced and split your friends
and money, and that's horrible.
176
00:10:44,944 --> 00:10:48,380
Or you'll meet the perfect person,
who you love infinitely...
177
00:10:48,547 --> 00:10:51,516
...and you even argue well,
and you grow together...
178
00:10:51,684 --> 00:10:52,946
...and you have children...
179
00:10:53,119 --> 00:10:56,247
...and then you get old together,
and then she's gonna die.
180
00:10:56,422 --> 00:10:58,413
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
181
00:11:00,793 --> 00:11:06,925
That's the best-case scenario,
is that you're gonna lose your best friend...
182
00:11:07,099 --> 00:11:11,832
...and then just walk home from
D'Agostino's with heavy bags every day...
183
00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:16,532
...and wait for your turn
to be nothing also.
184
00:11:23,549 --> 00:11:25,847
WOMAN:
I'll be just a minute, sorry.
185
00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:28,213
It's okay.
Thanks.
186
00:11:28,387 --> 00:11:32,255
No problem.
Do you know where we're going yet?
187
00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:36,885
What?
Do you know where we're going yet?
188
00:11:37,797 --> 00:11:41,426
Uh, I don't know, I just--
I thought we'd just wing it.
189
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,932
I had a few ideas.
190
00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:47,001
Hello.
191
00:11:48,507 --> 00:11:52,443
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just talking to the door.
192
00:11:52,611 --> 00:11:56,172
Well, please keep it down out here,
because I'm not wearing any clothing...
193
00:11:56,348 --> 00:11:59,681
...and your yelling
is making me feel vulnerable.
194
00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:02,785
I'm really sorry.
195
00:12:02,955 --> 00:12:08,325
I'm not wearing any clothing at all.
Do you understand?
196
00:12:09,128 --> 00:12:11,062
Yeah, yeah,
I understand what that means.
197
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:14,791
Well, if you understand,
please don't be yelling in the hallway.
198
00:12:14,967 --> 00:12:16,992
Because I'm in here.
199
00:12:17,169 --> 00:12:19,364
This is my home.
200
00:12:22,374 --> 00:12:24,899
WOMAN:
I said I'm coming.
201
00:12:36,522 --> 00:12:39,047
Look, you're gonna show me,
so just go ahead and do it.
202
00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:41,187
What?
203
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:43,555
How dare you?
204
00:12:56,809 --> 00:12:58,606
Pig.
205
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,006
Pig.
206
00:13:00,579 --> 00:13:05,312
Pig, pig, pig, pig.
207
00:13:05,684 --> 00:13:06,810
Pig.
208
00:13:08,854 --> 00:13:10,947
Okay. Jesus.
209
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,616
I'm sorry I needed a minute.
Sorry, it just got weird out here.
210
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,227
What?
211
00:13:16,395 --> 00:13:19,660
Just-- Look, let's just start
from scratch, okay?
212
00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:21,823
What are you wearing?
Where are we going?
213
00:13:22,001 --> 00:13:25,095
I didn't know it was fancy.
Oh, no, no, no. Uh....
214
00:13:25,271 --> 00:13:27,967
This-- My-- Just my dad died.
215
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:32,133
Your dad died, and you're
coming here from his funeral?
216
00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:34,711
No, no, no. He--
It was a long time ago, he died.
217
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:38,646
We have, like, reunions
for the funeral.
218
00:13:40,252 --> 00:13:41,981
You wanna get going?
219
00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:43,178
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
220
00:13:43,355 --> 00:13:46,017
Thanks again, it's really--
You look really nice.
221
00:13:46,192 --> 00:13:48,023
WOMAN:
Oh, thanks.
222
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:52,020
Oh, let me--
All right.
223
00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:56,027
Sorry, come on--
224
00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:59,171
Yeah, I should probably
get around the door.
225
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,932
There we go. Oh, God.
226
00:14:03,976 --> 00:14:05,671
Sorry.
227
00:14:06,979 --> 00:14:08,446
You wanna just not go? I don't--
228
00:14:08,614 --> 00:14:11,981
Let's just go, please,
like, get out the door.
229
00:14:34,173 --> 00:14:36,698
Okay, can you please stop smiling
the exact same way...
230
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,366
...every time I look at you?
231
00:14:39,845 --> 00:14:41,210
No.
232
00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:50,681
My God.
233
00:14:52,758 --> 00:14:54,521
Do you have any idea
where we're going?
234
00:14:54,693 --> 00:14:59,255
Yeah, I thought, ahem, we'd just go down
to the Village and just walk around.
235
00:14:59,431 --> 00:15:00,796
Okay.
236
00:15:00,966 --> 00:15:02,831
You don't wanna do that?
That's fine.
237
00:15:03,002 --> 00:15:05,402
We don't have to do that. I don't care.
It's fine.
238
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:08,062
If there's anywhere else you wanna go,
I'm totally--
239
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:11,505
I hate the Village. I hate it.
240
00:15:11,677 --> 00:15:14,942
And I feel like you just
made me say that.
241
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,740
Can I just tell you something?
Yeah, sure.
242
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,783
I'm a very nice person.
243
00:15:20,953 --> 00:15:24,650
I'm nice and I'm warm, and I know
that I'm not being that right now...
244
00:15:24,823 --> 00:15:28,589
...and it's because I just need
to get some food in me, okay?
245
00:15:29,561 --> 00:15:32,223
You know what?
There's a great place to eat right--
246
00:15:32,398 --> 00:15:34,457
Like, let's get out here, okay?
Okay, yeah.
247
00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:37,101
That's good.
All right, awesome, come on.
248
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:52,209
It's really good food here.
I'm sure it is.
249
00:15:52,851 --> 00:15:55,979
There's nothing else
really around here.
250
00:15:56,155 --> 00:15:59,147
That's kind of why I was saying
we should go to the Village.
251
00:16:02,394 --> 00:16:04,794
Come on.
Where are we going?
252
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:09,196
Mmm. Oh, thank God.
253
00:16:09,368 --> 00:16:11,268
Yeah? You feel better?
254
00:16:11,437 --> 00:16:13,803
Totally.
Good.
255
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:16,840
Okay, we're back.
Awesome.
256
00:16:17,009 --> 00:16:19,307
So you have kids, right?
257
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:22,174
Yeah. Yeah, I have two girls.
Aww.
258
00:16:22,881 --> 00:16:26,112
What?
You have girls. That's cute.
259
00:16:26,285 --> 00:16:28,185
Have you seen them or--?
What do you mean?
260
00:16:28,354 --> 00:16:30,219
Just tell me about your kids.
261
00:16:30,389 --> 00:16:34,257
Well, the little one, she's 4,
and she's pretty crazy.
262
00:16:34,426 --> 00:16:36,223
Aww.
263
00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:40,261
Yeah, so she had
kind of a rough week.
264
00:16:40,432 --> 00:16:44,528
Went to the doctor today.
It turns out she's got an infected vagina.
265
00:16:45,104 --> 00:16:48,471
Infected vagina?
Yeah.
266
00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:53,440
The doctor said she's got
a pretty angry infection, ahem...
267
00:16:53,612 --> 00:16:55,307
...and it's on her vagina.
268
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:03,321
Let's try again.
269
00:17:03,489 --> 00:17:05,923
Tell me about your kids.
270
00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:07,916
Well....
271
00:17:08,460 --> 00:17:10,360
They're my girls.
272
00:17:10,796 --> 00:17:12,627
And, uh....
273
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:17,066
And I love them.
Jesus, are you crying right now?
274
00:17:17,236 --> 00:17:19,261
Is that what's happening?
275
00:17:19,738 --> 00:17:23,299
I have to go to the bathroom.
Oh, I do too.
276
00:17:38,957 --> 00:17:41,221
Oh, there's somebody in there.
277
00:17:41,393 --> 00:17:43,793
Christ, who's in there?
278
00:17:44,930 --> 00:17:46,363
Let's go.
279
00:17:46,532 --> 00:17:50,263
Come on. I gotta take
a big dump out here.
280
00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:54,429
You know what? The hell with it.
I'm gonna go in the van.
281
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:04,972
Do you have an anger problem?
That wasn't me. That was somebody else.
282
00:18:05,150 --> 00:18:08,551
And he sounded exactly like you?
Where is he?
283
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:09,744
I don't know.
Yeah.
284
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:12,823
Go ahead and take your
big dump. There you go.
285
00:18:31,243 --> 00:18:33,711
Oh, Jesus.
286
00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:36,207
Look, I....
287
00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:41,509
I'm not very good at dating.
Really? I think you're doing great.
288
00:18:42,221 --> 00:18:46,954
All right, I get it.
It sucks going out with me.
289
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,593
I've been married for 10 years.
290
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:51,752
I'm sorry if I'm not the Fonz
all over the place.
291
00:18:51,930 --> 00:18:54,956
I'm a father, all right?
That's what matters to me.
292
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:58,297
I have two little girls.
Aww.
293
00:18:58,570 --> 00:19:00,401
And I'm raising them, okay?
294
00:19:00,572 --> 00:19:03,871
That's who I am. I'm a real man.
295
00:19:04,042 --> 00:19:05,703
That's what I do.
296
00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:08,745
What are you? Who are you?
What's your contribution?
297
00:19:08,914 --> 00:19:11,974
You're cute and you got
a flat stomach and you're young?
298
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,915
It's-- Why am I trying
to impress you?
299
00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:18,579
Why don't you tell me about your
goddamn life and try to impress me?
300
00:19:18,757 --> 00:19:22,158
Why aren't you nervous
to be with me?
301
00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:02,490
LOUIE: It's true, everything that makes
you happy is going to end at some point...
302
00:20:02,668 --> 00:20:04,067
...and nothing good ends well.
303
00:20:04,236 --> 00:20:07,103
If you buy a puppy,
you're bringing it to your family, saying:
304
00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:09,399
"Hey, look, everyone,
we're all gonna cry soon.
305
00:20:09,575 --> 00:20:11,270
Look at what I brought home.
306
00:20:11,443 --> 00:20:15,846
I brought home us crying in a few years.
307
00:20:16,014 --> 00:20:17,982
Here we go.
308
00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:20,778
Countdown to sorrow with a puppy."
309
00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:22,944
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
310
00:20:25,190 --> 00:20:27,090
I remember I had a dog
when I was a kid...
311
00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:30,592
...and we had to put him to sleep
because he had a tumor on his snout.
312
00:20:30,762 --> 00:20:32,627
I was home when the vet called and said:
313
00:20:32,798 --> 00:20:36,063
"That's a malignant tumor. He's gotta go."
I was like, "Can we fix it?"
314
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:39,796
And he goes, "I'd have to just
remove his whole snout...
315
00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:44,341
...and then he'll just have this weird,
round, furry head...
316
00:20:44,509 --> 00:20:47,478
...that doesn't look like a dog.
317
00:20:47,646 --> 00:20:50,046
And we'll-- You'll--
He can only eat with a straw...
318
00:20:50,215 --> 00:20:53,412
...but you can't teach a dog
to suck through a straw...
319
00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:58,887
...so he'll just die of being stupid
and having a round head.
320
00:20:59,057 --> 00:21:03,084
So I think you should just kill him.
That's what I recommend."
321
00:21:04,396 --> 00:21:08,059
I was like, "Okay, well, should we make
an appointment for a few weeks from--?"
322
00:21:08,233 --> 00:21:12,101
And the guy goes, "Just bring him over.
I'm not doing anything. I'll kill him now.
323
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:15,672
Like, just bring him over now.
Why wait? I'm not busy."
324
00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:18,207
So I bring the dog to the vet.
325
00:21:18,377 --> 00:21:20,572
And I remember I'm holding the dog...
326
00:21:20,746 --> 00:21:23,408
...and he sticks him full
of a crazy amount of morphine...
327
00:21:23,582 --> 00:21:26,449
...or the right amount
if you're trying to kill a dog with it.
328
00:21:26,618 --> 00:21:29,018
And my dog dies.
And then I left him there because--
329
00:21:29,187 --> 00:21:33,055
I mean, it was arranged. I didn't sneak out
and leave my dog. We had no money.
330
00:21:33,225 --> 00:21:35,921
And I asked the vet--
I made the mistake of asking the vet:
331
00:21:36,094 --> 00:21:39,894
"What are you gonna do with my dog?"
He said, "He just goes in a mass grave."
332
00:21:40,065 --> 00:21:43,796
And I was like, "What's that like?"
He goes, "It's just a big pile of dead dogs."
333
00:21:44,469 --> 00:21:46,369
So....
334
00:21:47,773 --> 00:21:50,264
That night,
and I remember it was raining...
335
00:21:50,442 --> 00:21:54,776
...and I had this nightmare
that my dog woke up from the morphine...
336
00:21:54,946 --> 00:22:01,579
...and found himself in a pile of dead dogs
and crawled out past the dead-cat pile.
337
00:22:01,753 --> 00:22:04,017
He just walked--
There was thunder and lightning.
338
00:22:04,189 --> 00:22:07,317
Like one of those miraculous dogs
you read about in Reader's Digest.
339
00:22:07,492 --> 00:22:11,292
And he, like, made his way home,
and then he scratched on the door...
340
00:22:11,463 --> 00:22:15,524
...and we open the door and there he is,
and we go, "He's here. Look, he's back."
341
00:22:15,701 --> 00:22:17,896
And then we realize
we just gotta do it again.
342
00:22:18,070 --> 00:22:19,799
Gotta take him back.
343
00:22:19,971 --> 00:22:24,374
Gotta do it again.
Still got a tumor on his snout.
344
00:22:24,543 --> 00:22:27,808
And the dog's like,
"Are you shitting me right now?
345
00:22:27,979 --> 00:22:31,608
Can I spend the night? Jesus."
346
00:22:34,886 --> 00:22:37,150
So that's why it's hard
to start dating, you know?
347
00:22:37,322 --> 00:22:39,187
That's why it's....
348
00:22:40,492 --> 00:22:42,153
MAN:
You still got it, Louie.
349
00:22:42,327 --> 00:22:44,158
You still got it.
350
00:22:44,329 --> 00:22:46,092
Come on, now.
351
00:22:49,067 --> 00:22:52,230
Daddy, where are we going?
I'm taking you to your mom's house.
352
00:22:52,404 --> 00:22:54,429
Yay!
Yeah.
353
00:22:54,606 --> 00:22:56,574
Daddy, my shoes
don't fit anymore.
354
00:22:56,742 --> 00:22:59,677
Really? We just got you those.
I know.
355
00:22:59,845 --> 00:23:03,178
Well, I'll get you some this week
or Mom will get you some this weekend.
356
00:23:03,348 --> 00:23:04,372
Okay.
357
00:23:04,549 --> 00:23:07,211
I'm too tired to walk.
I know, but it's good for you.
358
00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:11,322
Carry me.
If I carry you, you won't get stronger.
359
00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:15,955
All right, come here.
360
00:23:16,128 --> 00:23:18,153
Okay.
361
00:23:18,330 --> 00:23:19,854
Come on.
362
00:23:42,220 --> 00:23:43,209
[English - US - PSDH]
29288
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