Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:11,160
# Knowing me, knowing you
2
00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:12,360
# Ah-ha
3
00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:14,520
# There is nothing we can do
4
00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:16,600
# Knowing me, knowing you
5
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:17,800
# Ah-ha
6
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:22,960
# We just have to face it,
this time we're through
7
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,080
# Knowing me, knowing you! #
8
00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:28,120
Ah-ha!
9
00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:30,440
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
10
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:40,520
# Knowing me, knowing you! #
11
00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:43,160
Welcome!
12
00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:46,320
Welcome to... Shh!
13
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:49,000
Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You.
14
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:53,600
It's a chat-show,
but not as we know it.
DRUM ROLL
15
00:00:54,920 --> 00:01:00,280
Well, it's official.
This show is a smash hit sensation.
16
00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:02,880
A corking copper-bottomed hit.
17
00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:07,760
Those are the words of Mike Taylor
from TV Quick.
18
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:09,320
Of course,
19
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:13,360
there have been dissenters -
the clever-clog papers -
20
00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:17,840
Independent, Guardian, Observer...
They've been a bit sniffy.
21
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:22,640
One review caught my eye. The Times
called this show "moribund"!
22
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:26,040
I looked up "moribund"
in my dictionary.
23
00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:30,080
It said "Moribund -
adjective meaning about to die."
24
00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:33,400
I ask you - is this show
about to die?!
25
00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:34,760
AUDIENCE: NO!
26
00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:40,120
Thank you. So, Mr Philip Parsons
from "behind The Times"...
DRUM ROLL
27
00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:42,720
..that proves that you are wrong.
28
00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:48,280
The show is very much alive...
AND live!
29
00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:52,920
Tonight, I will be bringing
you another TV chat show first,
30
00:01:52,920 --> 00:02:00,680
as I, Alan Partridge, let myself
be strapped to a spinning wheel of
death and have knives thrown at me.
31
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:03,080
Is that moribund? No!
32
00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:05,640
No, you don't shout that.
33
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:10,840
So please welcome my un-moribund
"merry band", my house band -
34
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,480
Glenn Ponder and Debonair!
35
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:16,760
# Knowing me, knowing you. #
36
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:23,200
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Glenn Ponder, ah-ha!
37
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:24,120
Ah-ha!
38
00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:26,400
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Debonair, ah-ha!
39
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:27,720
Ah-ha!
40
00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:31,480
Glenn, you're looking
for a new house. Yes.
41
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:35,760
I bought a house in Mayfair
for £500. Really, Alan?
42
00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:39,400
Yes, I was playing Monopoly!
DRUM ROLL
43
00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:45,120
Er...but seriously, Glenn,
you ARE looking for somewhere. Yeah.
44
00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:48,200
Whereabouts? Chiswick area.
45
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:53,800
Yeah, Chiswick...nice...nice.
Glenn Ponder and Debonair!
46
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,840
BAND PLAY "Knowing Me, Knowing You"
47
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:08,680
Was that chap moribund?
I don't think so.
48
00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:13,120
Now, my first guest is intelligent,
witty, a woman of the world,
49
00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:20,880
with a figure to stop traffic dead
on the M1 if she wiggled across the
footbridge at Toddington services.
50
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:25,920
She's a quality guest from
top to bottom and back up again.
51
00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:31,080
Please welcome the new agony aunt
from Playboy magazine, stay tuned,
52
00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:33,600
the very lovely Daniella Forest.
53
00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:39,600
# Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
54
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:43,240
# Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away
55
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:46,560
# Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight... #
56
00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:49,920
Ah!
57
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:52,280
Isn't she...isn't...
58
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,160
..isn't she lovely?
59
00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,080
Phew-phwoo!
60
00:03:56,080 --> 00:04:00,960
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Daniella Forest, ah-ha!
61
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:02,160
Ah-ha!
62
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:06,520
Ooh! That's the sexiest "ah-ha"
I've ever had!
63
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:12,320
I almost forgot, I normally kiss
my guests when they first come on...
64
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:16,360
Not the men.
I give them a firm handshake.
65
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:19,120
Can we do the kiss quickly?
66
00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:24,520
Sure! Where do you want to kiss me?
Peachy cheek or little round mouth?
67
00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:26,400
Little round mouth.
68
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:29,120
Come on, then. Right.
69
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,680
Are you going to kneel down? Yes.
70
00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:33,600
Right down.
71
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:43,320
Pop back in your seat.
Er...yes. Er...right.
72
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:48,720
Now, D...Daniella Forest,
you are Playboy's agony aunt,
73
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:54,320
and you've just published your
autobiography... Luck Be A Lady.
74
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:59,720
It's published by Jones,
never heard of them...
75
00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:03,000
What comes across very strongly
76
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:06,440
is your understanding
of male psychology.
77
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:10,640
Well, I think I understand men
because I adore them.
78
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:16,720
And WHAT, as a woman,
do you look for in a man?
79
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:20,960
Power is attractive...sensitivity...
80
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,120
Mmm.
81
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:24,840
..sense of humour...
82
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:29,600
I like a man who knows who he is.
83
00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:32,400
I'm Alan Partridge. Carry on.
84
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,640
You know, I think...
85
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:41,040
..the most important thing I look
for is a fit young body like a Greek
god.
86
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,480
Right.
87
00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:45,920
Now, you also...
88
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:48,920
..help people with sexual problems.
89
00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:51,640
Let's have a hypothetical problem.
90
00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:55,320
There's a couple.
91
00:05:55,320 --> 00:06:00,320
They've been married 15 years,
maybe more and...
92
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:05,040
..neither of them has slept
with anyone else. He's frustrated?
93
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:09,120
Deeply, deeply.
But that's only part of the problem.
94
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:13,480
Their sex life is...
for want of a better word, moribund.
95
00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:16,920
Well, people need to explore
their sex lives.
96
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:22,520
If it's not working in the bedroom,
bring it into the lounge or kitchen.
97
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:27,200
They tried that
but the dog just wandered in.
98
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:32,120
Yes, but you see...some people
find it very sexy to be watched.
99
00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:34,440
Not by the dog!
100
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:39,040
Montgomery was frightened.
He was just barking.
101
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:44,880
Who's Montgomery?
102
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:51,920
The man who masterminded
the battle of El Alamein...
103
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:59,240
..and the name of this dog.
Have you got a dog?
104
00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:01,760
Yes. And what's his name?
105
00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:04,960
Rommel.
106
00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:13,720
Once again, here is a man shying
away from discussing sex. When I was
a man, I had the same problem.
107
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:16,840
As a woman, I am liberated.
108
00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:20,960
Well, I'm pleased for you...
Hang on a minute!
109
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:25,240
WHO was a man? When I was a man.
110
00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:30,880
What are you talking about?
You have read my book? Yes.
111
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:33,440
No, I never read the books.
112
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:36,920
Who was a man?
Who did you think Daniel was?
113
00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:39,800
I thought it was your twin brother.
114
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:43,320
I was Daniel. I used to be a man.
115
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:50,920
I can't believe you didn't know!
I KISSED you!
116
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:54,520
Why did you invite me on your show?
117
00:07:54,520 --> 00:08:00,680
I found you sexy!
I could knock your block off!
I'm a woman with breasts!
118
00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:03,360
You should be in a circus!
119
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:06,160
Well, you'd be in the front row.
120
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:10,760
There she goes...there HE goes,
I should say. What do you want?
121
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:12,080
No! No!
122
00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,440
Ah-ha!
123
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:21,360
I knew there was something dodgy
about you.
124
00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:26,080
Your hands are a giveaway. Great
big flapping hands like a bloke.
125
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:28,480
You could be a goalkeeper!
126
00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:32,280
Glenn, did you know it was a man?
Yeah.
127
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:38,360
Debonair, did you know it was a man?
ALL: Yeah.
128
00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:41,320
Everyone except muggins Partridge!
129
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:45,640
Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan "the man" Forest.
130
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:54,200
Thanks.
131
00:08:54,200 --> 00:09:00,040
It's er...time now for a new
regular feature of the series -
132
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:05,080
"Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, ANOTHER Alan Partridge".
133
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:12,200
I meet a member of the public
who shares my name and therefore
can join that exclusive club -
134
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,600
Club Alan Partridge.
135
00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:18,640
This week's Alan Partridge
works on a Sealink ferry!
136
00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:22,560
Please welcome
Petty Officer Alan Partridge!
137
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:39,040
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Petty Officer Partridge. Ah-ha!
Ah-ha!
138
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:43,360
You work on the Sealink ferry
from Liverpool to Dublin
139
00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:48,840
and I imagine that's the sort of job
where there's a lot of camaraderie
140
00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:53,000
between the...between...
Is that the case?
141
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:56,960
Why do you keep doing that?
142
00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:00,680
That with your face?
I've got a facial tic.
143
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:05,160
I'm sorry. I had no idea. It's OK.
I've had it since I was a kid.
144
00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:11,920
Now, Alan Partridge,
I imagine your workmates
josh with you. Is that the case?
145
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:15,040
They call me Tick-tock.
Why? Cos of me tic.
146
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:21,040
No, God, no! No, I mean because
your name's Alan Partridge. Oh, no.
147
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:28,040
What you do with your face
is your choice. It's fine.
Oh, there it is again!
148
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:32,760
I want to present you with this now.
It's the Alan Partridge tie...
149
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:36,640
Oh, that was a big one!
The Alan Partridge...
150
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:40,040
..tie and blazer badge
combination pack.
151
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:44,320
There you go. You take that.
I'll put the tie on,
152
00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:49,200
if I can keep me 'ead still!
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
153
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:51,840
What a marvellous sense of humour!
154
00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:55,200
Oh, there's...
What a triumph of the human spirit!
155
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,840
Ladies and gentlemen...
156
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:01,800
..ALAN PARTRIDGE! Go on, go!
157
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:03,680
APPLAUSE
158
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,560
Thanks now! Go! Go!
159
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:18,080
Last night, I met a man
who quite literally changed my life.
160
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:21,520
He made me think,
laugh and cry in wonderment.
161
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:25,960
I witnessed his mystical powers
at the London Palladium.
162
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:28,960
Welcome hypnotist, Tony Le Mesmer!
163
00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:38,360
Ladies and gentlemen.
Enter the mysterious domain
164
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:40,760
of Tony Le Mesmer.
165
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:51,720
Behold the cage of Kathmandu.
166
00:11:57,240 --> 00:12:00,080
The void of solitude.
167
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,360
The dance of Diabolos!
168
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,720
The shroud.
169
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:16,960
The forces turn upon their axes.
170
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:25,080
The summoning of the spirits
of Telemachus.
171
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:50,040
Marvellous! Marvellous!
Tony, how did you do that?
172
00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,640
Simple. The power of the paranormal.
173
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:56,040
It's not a lever or anything. No.
174
00:12:56,040 --> 00:13:01,520
You tell us about it now. Tina, see
you later for the wheel of death.
175
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,960
Very nice!
176
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,360
Now that IS a woman!
177
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:09,240
OK, Tony.
178
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:11,320
Tony Le Mesmer!
179
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:22,040
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Tony Le Mesmer. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.
180
00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:27,160
Buddha...the Dalai Lama...
Nostradamus...
181
00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:29,880
..that man The Beatles went to see,
182
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,800
Uri Geller, and now...
183
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:34,600
..Tony Le Mesmer.
184
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:38,160
What is it about you lot
that sets you apart
185
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:42,400
from mere mortal men
like me, Alan Partridge?
186
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:45,920
We are all shamen
on a spiritual quest.
187
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:50,960
And we travel on this journey
using the energy of the life force.
188
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:54,800
I'm gonna pin you down.
Can you be more specific?
189
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:59,200
I am a man who harnesses the harmony
within us all.
190
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:02,440
No, that's more vague.
191
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:05,840
I want you to be more specific.
OK, Alan.
192
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:08,320
I'm interested in dreams.
193
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:11,440
Right, now you're being interesting.
194
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:21,240
Because I often have a recurring
dream in which I am an owl. As
an owl, how do you feel different?
195
00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:24,080
Smaller.
196
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:27,960
More agile, able to fly.
Able to fly!
197
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,160
Perhaps you want freedom.
198
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:34,760
What else? Now, I can rotate
my head 360 degrees!
199
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:39,640
It's a real boon when you're driving
cos it eliminates the blind spot.
200
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:43,760
Anything else you can do?
201
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:47,280
Yes. I can emit pellets.
202
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:52,800
Can't help you there. Sorry. No?
203
00:14:52,800 --> 00:15:00,080
Oh, well. If anyone can shed light
on why Alan Partridge might want
to emit pellets as an owl,
204
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:05,200
drop a line to the usual address
and mark your envelope "pellets".
205
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:11,800
We're gonna have a bit of fun now
because, Tony,
206
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:14,280
you are going to hypnotise me. Yes.
207
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:19,120
Ok, this may take a few minutes
so don't...worry...
208
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:25,040
..if it takes some...time...
Five, four, three, two, one.
209
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:29,480
Alan Partridge is now totally
hypnotised and in my control.
210
00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:31,920
Is that so, Alan? Yes.
211
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:36,360
Let's put it to the test. Alan,
when I say the word, "owl",
212
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:42,680
I want you to be that owl
emitting a pellet and feeling happy
with yourself. Owl.
213
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,280
Whoo!
214
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:53,560
Whoo!
215
00:15:54,600 --> 00:16:01,360
Excellent. When you hear
the word "ah-ha", I want you
to be a scary monster. Ah-ha!
216
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,320
Grrrrr!
217
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:07,880
Very good. Stop.
If you could make love to any woman,
218
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:10,880
except your wife, who would it be?
219
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:12,720
Ursula Andress.
220
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:18,560
OK, when I click my fingers, I want
you to see me as Ursula Andress.
221
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:25,320
Ursula! I've always wanted
to meet you. I can't believe it.
The bikini's very nice!
222
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:30,640
I love all your films, all of them -
Dr No through to...all the others.
223
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:35,440
Enough! Is there anywhere we can go
and make mad, passionate love?
224
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:39,920
Er...God, yes. Er...
The Moathouse Hotel in High Wycombe.
225
00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:44,600
Er...they know me there.
They're very discreet.
226
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:48,160
You'll love it.
It's got a 24-hour carvery.
227
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:49,520
Stop.
228
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:52,720
Alan, when I click my fingers again,
229
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,080
we'll be on the way to High Wycombe.
230
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,520
It only takes 15 to 20 minutes.
231
00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:03,360
Can we pull over now and make love?
Not on the motorway. That's illegal.
232
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:06,360
But Alan, I'm begging you, please!
233
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:12,160
It's an offence
to stop on the hard shoulder
unless there's a malfunction.
234
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:15,000
I'm taking my top off! Look...
235
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:19,560
..if I get caught in flagrante
while violating the highway code,
236
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:24,000
my wife will find out and I'll get
three points on my license.
237
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:28,760
That's not gonna happen.
Now put your top on and get out!
238
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:32,160
Go, go! Get out! Wake up.
239
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:36,760
As I say, it'll take a few seconds
before I'm hypnotised...
240
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:42,480
It's all over. You've hypnotised me?
I hope I didn't look too foolish.
241
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:44,920
Of course you didn't, Alan.
242
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:51,720
Tony, see you later
for the Wheel of Death.
Just to say thank you very much,
243
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,560
Tony Le Mesmer!
244
00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:04,400
Now, Hollywood is much, much more
than nine big letters on a hill.
245
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:09,680
It's...it's a sexy, dangerous place.
A hustlin', wheelin', dealin' town,
246
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:13,640
where money talks
and nonsense walks.
247
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:17,040
I've never been there
but my next guests have.
248
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:23,840
They are a British married couple
of actors who live and work
in Tinseltown Stateside.
249
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:28,680
I want to get to know them.
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do!
250
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:32,280
Please welcome,
Gary Barker and Tania Beaumont!
251
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,400
# Love me or leave me
252
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:41,240
# Make your choice and believe me
253
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,560
# And I do
254
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:48,160
# I do, I do, I do, I do, I do... #
255
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:53,120
Ah! Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you,
256
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:56,280
Tania Beaumont, ah-ha! Grrr!
257
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,120
Ah-ha.
258
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:01,560
Grrr!
259
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:05,160
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Gary Barker, ah-ha! Grrr!
260
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,200
Ah-ha.
261
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:11,120
Grrr!
262
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:17,000
You wanted to make a statement.
This is your platform.
263
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,240
Please, be my guests.
264
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:24,480
As you know, there is speculation
in the press about our marriage...
265
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:31,080
I had that treatment myself.
You know Philip Parsons?
He called the show "moribund"!
266
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:32,720
You know?
267
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:37,840
Philip Parsons, in five minutes,
I will be tied to a wheel of death,
268
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:43,520
and you will have a plate with some
words on it and a knife and fork.
269
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,760
Sorry, Tania.
270
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:52,520
Well... I mean...
271
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:55,120
..you're gonna eat your words!
272
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,440
Sorry, Tania.
273
00:19:57,440 --> 00:20:01,880
We just want to say to the tabloids
we're very much married.
274
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:06,320
There's a lot of real news out
there - poverty, homelessness.
275
00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:12,720
Please, report that. Leave us alone.
We're just ordinary people
who make movies.
276
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:15,400
Lovely! Lovely, er...
277
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,760
Gary, do you want to add anything?
278
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:20,000
No, er...yeah.
279
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:24,880
Are you all right?
I'm just wondering
280
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,440
about the glasses.
You've not got a stye?
281
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:34,120
No.
282
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:38,960
Er...Tania... Sorry,
is he wearing those to look cool?
283
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:43,240
Yes, he is. Gary, like the glasses.
Where d'you get them?
284
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:46,880
Auction. They were James Dean's.
He died in them.
285
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:51,760
Really? They look quite small. No
wonder he lost control of the car!
286
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,400
No?
287
00:20:57,680 --> 00:21:03,760
You've just flown in from Hollywood.
What's it like to be back in London?
288
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:09,240
It's a relief to be amongst ordinary
people. Where's that? The Savoy.
289
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:13,000
Marvellous. Who's paying?
You are.
290
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:18,080
Really? Are we...? Is that true?
Are we paying? Yes!
291
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:23,320
Yes, we are. Enjoy yourselves.
Just easy on the room service.
292
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:27,680
Chicken in a basket.
That's your lot. No, seriously,
293
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:30,200
have a drink, just don't go mad.
294
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:35,760
Some people, they empty the mini-bar
into a carrier bag. That's not on.
295
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:42,440
Er...you...you are known
as the wild man of Hollywood.
296
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:49,840
Some of the wild things you've done.
I've got some here. Gary sawed
the head off Warren Beatty's Oscar!
297
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:55,840
He drove a Harley-Davidson motorbike
into Bruce Willis's patio doors...
298
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:59,520
What else have you done?
Punched Angela Lansbury.
299
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:02,040
Yeah, that was nasty. It was nasty.
300
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:09,880
It says you also threw Whoopi
Goldberg's copper kettle at a cat!
301
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:11,840
Other way round.
302
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:16,440
You threw a cat
at Whoopi Goldberg's copper kettle?
303
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:23,160
No. I threw a kettle
at Whoopi Goldberg's cat.
That's what I said. No.
304
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:30,720
You said Whoopi Goldberg's copper
kettle. I threw a copper kettle
at Whoopi Goldberg's cat.
305
00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:40,200
It wasn't Whoopi Goldberg's kettle.
Right. It was Whoopi Goldberg's cat.
306
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,760
So whose copper kettle was it?
307
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:46,240
Angela Lansbury's
308
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:50,040
Tania, has he ever thrown
a kettle at you?
309
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:55,000
No, it's one of the few things he's
never thrown at me. Really? Joke.
OK.
310
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:58,240
"Tania's breasts." Sorry!
311
00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:00,640
That's just my notes.
312
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,840
Sorry.
313
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:08,680
You're one of those great actresses
who, if the role demands it,
314
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:12,360
you're quite prepared
to expose yourself.
315
00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:16,440
I'm glad you value my acting
so highly. I do!
316
00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:19,120
Your name is a seal of quality.
317
00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:24,120
It says, "See the film, lads.
You won't go home empty-handed."
318
00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:33,320
I really think that my films
are more than just titillation.
319
00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:35,440
Mmm!
320
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:42,920
I can only suggest that if you wish
to go and see Tania's unexpurgated
adult breast show,
321
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:47,720
that you pop down to the local
cinema...or marry her!
322
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,880
That's no guarantee.
323
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:06,800
Gary, we hear
that you used to be a mobile office
equipment maintenance engineer.
324
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,360
Yeah, briefly.
325
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:13,520
Three years. Got the sack.
No, you're lying!
326
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:19,000
You were awarded maintenance
engineer of the month! Well done!
327
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:24,920
I've got a broken photocopier at my
office in Norwich. Can you fix that?
328
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:28,560
You think I'm going to Norwich
to do that?!
329
00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:31,680
There's no need! Because Mohammed...
330
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:37,160
..Mohammed has...Mohammed has moved
the mountain to you!
331
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:40,680
It's not a mountain.
It's a photocopier.
332
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:45,520
Although, it was driven here in an
Astramax by a man called Mohammed.
333
00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:49,200
Please bring on
the broken photocopier!
334
00:24:56,840 --> 00:25:03,040
We've got the photocopier.
Will you rise to Alan's challenge
and mend it?
335
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:04,800
No.
336
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:10,240
Do you want him to mend it?
AUDIENCE: YES!
337
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,880
You can't do it! Course I can.
338
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:17,440
I don't believe you.
What model is it? Z-60.
339
00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:21,480
Mono- or multi-feed? Mono.
Easy. Prove it.
340
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:28,760
AUDIENCE CHEERS
341
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:39,760
It hasn't been reset
after a paper jam. Really?
342
00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:44,200
That's interesting. Where d'you put
your paper clips? Just around.
343
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:47,000
Yeah. They get lost. Stick 'em
there.
344
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:51,440
But what happens...
How will they stay?
345
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:54,920
Magnetic. That's interesting!
Nice feature.
346
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,000
Worth knowing. Yeah.
347
00:25:57,000 --> 00:26:03,040
Nice machine. Should have no
trouble. I don't do that shit any
more!
348
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:06,880
Oh, look, he's mended it! Whoa!
What a dude!
349
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:10,920
Ladies and gentlemen,
Gary Barker and Tania Beaumont!
350
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:25,400
The wheel has turned full circle
for Tania and Gary and now it must
turn for me. The wheel of death.
351
00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:30,320
At the beginning of the show, I said
I would have knives thrown at me,
352
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:35,000
to prove that my show - I own
the copyright - is not moribund.
353
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:42,200
A lesser man - Michael Aspel - would
walk away from a wheel of death
saying, "It's too dangerous."
354
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:48,720
I, however, embrace the wheel,
saying, "Come daggers.
You may pierce my flesh.
355
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:53,160
"But you will not stem my chat.
Of that, there's no doubt."
356
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:58,360
Please welcome back magic man,
Tony Le Mesmer and Tina!
357
00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:13,600
Every evening,
in my show at the Palladium, which
runs until the end of this month,
358
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:17,680
I get a member of the audience
on stage and ask them
359
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:21,000
to overcome their fears
on the wheel of death.
360
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:24,320
Tonight, Alan is that person.
How do you feel?
361
00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:30,200
Confident. I am risking my life
for chat. Oh, and Philip Parsons!
362
00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:35,560
Get a knife and fork and a plate,
put your words on that plate,
363
00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:38,560
add a bit of humble pie and eat it!
364
00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:40,920
Right. Commence spinning...
365
00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:43,320
..the wheel of death!
366
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,960
As the wheel of death
spins inexorably,
367
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:54,680
Tony Le Mesmer prepares to unleash
the deadly daggers of Damazon.
368
00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:57,800
I've changed my mind. Sorry!
Drum roll!
369
00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:01,840
There isn't time.
We'll do it next week!
370
00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:04,160
Stop! PLEASE!
371
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:06,600
This is madness!
372
00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:09,600
Don't, you stupid man!
373
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:12,320
God! No!
374
00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:17,480
Philip Parsons, you're right.
The show IS moribund! Please!
375
00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:20,400
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
376
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:23,000
I've done it! I've done it!
377
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:26,720
On that bombshell,
it's time for me to say
378
00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:30,760
knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, freak woman/man,
379
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:34,440
knowing you, the slut actress
and Mr Floppy, the actor,
380
00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:41,120
and knowing you, Mr Loony Man
with the knives.
Goodnight and ah-ha! Grrr!
381
00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:52,400
Subtitles by David Padmore
BBC - 1994
382
00:28:52,400 --> 00:28:54,960
Can you get me off the wheel now?
383
00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:57,240
I've done it!
384
00:28:57,240 --> 00:29:00,680
Can we get one of the researchers?
That Naomi!
385
00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:03,720
Get me off. Is Naomi there?
386
00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:06,400
Tell her to come and get me off.
387
00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:08,240
It's over now.
388
00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:10,680
My trousers are wet!
32202
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
