Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:14,260 --> 00:00:16,054
I'm convinced that men are monsters.
2
00:00:19,799 --> 00:00:20,650
Really, truly.
3
00:02:26,225 --> 00:02:28,353
Is that you, Stanley?
4
00:02:28,553 --> 00:02:29,445
Yeah, Ma.
5
00:02:30,021 --> 00:02:31,322
Where were you?
6
00:02:32,106 --> 00:02:34,400
So long it took you to buy the newspaper?
7
00:02:36,152 --> 00:02:37,328
What is it?
8
00:02:38,029 --> 00:02:40,281
Zowee, it came!
9
00:02:40,481 --> 00:02:41,166
My diploma!
10
00:02:41,366 --> 00:02:44,160
I'm a full-fledged marriage
counselor now,
11
00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:46,871
Don't get so excited, Stanley,
12
00:02:47,071 --> 00:02:48,214
How about that, Ma?
13
00:02:49,290 --> 00:02:51,793
My son, a marriage counselor.
14
00:06:01,315 --> 00:06:02,200
Stanley!
15
00:06:09,824 --> 00:06:11,209
Stop,
16
00:06:11,409 --> 00:06:12,660
Stanley, stop,
17
00:06:12,860 --> 00:06:13,807
Stanley!
18
00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:15,254
Stop,
19
00:06:15,830 --> 00:06:17,836
Stanley, stop it.
20
00:06:20,242 --> 00:06:21,135
Stanley.
21
00:06:22,295 --> 00:06:23,638
Oh, you klutz.
22
00:06:32,096 --> 00:06:34,974
Turn that damn vacuum
cleaner off, will ya, Katie?
23
00:06:38,352 --> 00:06:41,606
Oh, come on, Katie,
you gotta give me some,
24
00:06:41,806 --> 00:06:43,232
Oh, why don't you give me anything?
25
00:06:43,432 --> 00:06:44,534
You're a schmuck!
26
00:06:44,734 --> 00:06:46,285
Yeah, I'm a schmuck?
27
00:06:46,485 --> 00:06:48,121
Yeah, you're a schmuck.
28
00:06:48,321 --> 00:06:50,239
Maybe I'm a schmuck, but I got feelings
29
00:06:50,439 --> 00:06:52,041
like any other schmuck.
30
00:06:52,241 --> 00:06:54,127
Oh, God, Katie, you
don't know what it's like
31
00:06:54,327 --> 00:06:57,622
to look at you all day long and
then not be able to get any.
32
00:06:57,822 --> 00:06:58,297
Do you know what it's like to sit
33
00:06:58,497 --> 00:07:01,626
there all day long, reading
Playboy with one hand, huh?
34
00:07:01,826 --> 00:07:02,260
You're a schmuck,
35
00:07:02,460 --> 00:07:03,628
I still say you're a schmuck.
- Yeah, a schmuck.
36
00:07:03,828 --> 00:07:04,804
- Stanley!
- Schmuck, it's getting so
37
00:07:05,004 --> 00:07:05,838
that that Playboy, let
me tell you something,
38
00:07:06,038 --> 00:07:07,172
I'm finding it hard to believe girls
39
00:07:07,372 --> 00:07:08,507
don't have staples in their navels.
40
00:07:08,707 --> 00:07:10,267
That's how bad it is, Katie,
41
00:07:11,093 --> 00:07:13,012
Stanley, when are we getting married?
42
00:07:16,223 --> 00:07:21,145
Stanley Bebble, you're not
the only pebble on the beach,
43
00:07:21,345 --> 00:07:22,521
You know I can't marry you.
44
00:07:22,721 --> 00:07:24,198
I gotta take care of my mother.
45
00:07:25,650 --> 00:07:26,655
Get out!
46
00:07:26,855 --> 00:07:27,660
Get out?
47
00:07:27,860 --> 00:07:28,736
You don't mean that, Katie.
48
00:07:28,936 --> 00:07:30,738
I said get out.
49
00:07:30,938 --> 00:07:31,830
Out!
50
00:07:34,742 --> 00:07:36,460
- Look-
- Get out!
51
00:07:50,420 --> 00:07:51,934
Oh, really?
52
00:07:52,134 --> 00:07:55,012
I've been up since seven am.
53
00:07:55,212 --> 00:07:56,606
It's 11 o'clock,
54
00:07:57,682 --> 00:07:59,558
I've been cooking, I've
been washing clothes.
55
00:07:59,758 --> 00:08:01,560
I am so tired of all this.
56
00:08:04,939 --> 00:08:06,399
I'm sick and tired of all this.
57
00:08:10,027 --> 00:08:11,574
I'm collecting for-
58
00:08:11,774 --> 00:08:13,699
I gave already,
59
00:08:28,963 --> 00:08:32,633
Always be prepared, that's my motto.
60
00:09:55,090 --> 00:09:59,553
I guess they're bashful,
fucking with no lights on.
61
00:10:39,885 --> 00:10:41,311
Ah, Manuel.
62
00:10:42,763 --> 00:10:43,939
Come here.
63
00:10:45,641 --> 00:10:46,525
What's the matter?
64
00:10:46,725 --> 00:10:47,893
I wanna talk to you for a minute.
65
00:10:48,093 --> 00:10:48,894
What you want?
66
00:10:49,094 --> 00:10:50,195
Come here.
67
00:10:52,147 --> 00:10:53,236
Happened again, huh, Manuel?
68
00:10:53,436 --> 00:10:54,325
What you talking about?
69
00:10:54,525 --> 00:10:55,926
You know what I'm talking about,
70
00:10:56,126 --> 00:10:57,144
Hey, hey, hey, I the super.
71
00:10:57,344 --> 00:10:58,162
Don't worry about it.
72
00:10:58,362 --> 00:10:59,154
I'm not gonna take your job away, Manuel.
73
00:10:59,354 --> 00:11:00,593
Okay, that good.
74
00:11:00,793 --> 00:11:01,730
Yes, Manuel.
75
00:11:01,930 --> 00:11:02,667
What you want?
76
00:11:02,867 --> 00:11:03,793
You are a pre-vert.
77
00:11:03,993 --> 00:11:06,787
You are a true,
dyed-in-the-wool di-generate
78
00:11:06,987 --> 00:11:08,601
if I've ever seen one, you know that?
79
00:11:08,801 --> 00:11:10,134
Peeping through peepholes, looking,
80
00:11:10,334 --> 00:11:11,667
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
81
00:11:12,877 --> 00:11:13,736
What do you want me to do?
82
00:11:13,936 --> 00:11:14,703
What do I want you to do?
83
00:11:14,903 --> 00:11:15,471
If you want a girl so badly,
84
00:11:15,671 --> 00:11:17,756
why don't you just go out
and get the real stuff?
85
00:11:17,956 --> 00:11:19,195
Go after the real thing.
86
00:11:19,395 --> 00:11:20,434
I no speak English good,
87
00:11:20,634 --> 00:11:23,053
I don't know how to talk to a woman.
88
00:11:23,253 --> 00:11:23,729
Oh, come on,
89
00:11:23,929 --> 00:11:25,806
"I don't speak English good,
I don't know how to talk,"
90
00:11:26,006 --> 00:11:26,974
That's got nothing to do with it.
91
00:11:27,174 --> 00:11:27,942
It's all a matter of approach.
92
00:11:28,142 --> 00:11:29,810
- What do you mean?
- Hey, I've got an idea.
93
00:11:30,010 --> 00:11:30,486
What?
94
00:11:30,686 --> 00:11:31,687
You know, a lot of
people in this building
95
00:11:31,887 --> 00:11:32,563
don't know about this.
96
00:11:32,763 --> 00:11:33,864
Come closer.
97
00:11:34,064 --> 00:11:36,150
I happen to be a doctor of sexology.
98
00:11:36,350 --> 00:11:36,742
Si.
99
00:11:36,942 --> 00:11:38,819
Went through a four year
correspondence course.
100
00:11:39,019 --> 00:11:39,995
Si.
101
00:11:40,195 --> 00:11:42,531
Yeah, I had to send a lot
of box tops from cereals
102
00:11:42,731 --> 00:11:44,500
to get this course.
103
00:11:44,700 --> 00:11:46,452
I am going to help you
because I like you, Manuel.
104
00:11:46,652 --> 00:11:47,932
I think you're a nice guy, no matter what
105
00:11:48,132 --> 00:11:49,213
anybody else says in this neighborhood.
106
00:11:49,413 --> 00:11:51,081
I think you're a nice guy
and I'm gonna help you,
107
00:11:51,281 --> 00:11:51,757
Sure,
108
00:11:51,957 --> 00:11:53,008
For a small fee, of course.
109
00:11:53,208 --> 00:11:55,294
I am going to teach you a full proof,
110
00:11:56,462 --> 00:11:59,765
sure-as-fire method of picking up a woman,
111
00:11:59,965 --> 00:12:03,427
and no woman, with my
method, will ever refuse
112
00:12:03,627 --> 00:12:04,887
to go out with you,
113
00:12:05,087 --> 00:12:06,242
How's that, huh?
114
00:12:06,442 --> 00:12:07,420
That's idea!
115
00:12:07,620 --> 00:12:08,599
Deal, for $10.
116
00:12:08,799 --> 00:12:09,775
$10?
117
00:12:14,229 --> 00:12:16,694
Come in, the door's open.
118
00:12:22,446 --> 00:12:25,291
Hi, I'm your new neighbor.
119
00:12:25,491 --> 00:12:27,831
Could I borrow a cup of scotch?
120
00:12:28,031 --> 00:12:30,371
Psst, hey, Manuel, come here.
121
00:12:31,330 --> 00:12:32,168
How do you like that, huh?
122
00:12:32,368 --> 00:12:33,007
That's all right, boy,
123
00:12:33,207 --> 00:12:35,125
That's a nice piece of meat, boy,
124
00:12:36,377 --> 00:12:38,003
How'd you like to try out
an approach on her, okay?
125
00:12:38,203 --> 00:12:38,679
Sure,
126
00:12:38,879 --> 00:12:39,805
First, let me see your natural approach.
127
00:12:40,005 --> 00:12:42,341
Let me see how you talk
to that girl right now.
128
00:12:42,541 --> 00:12:42,933
Hey, I'm your super,
129
00:12:43,133 --> 00:12:45,970
How about coming down
to the basement with me?
130
00:12:46,170 --> 00:12:47,388
Come here, will ya, please?
131
00:12:47,588 --> 00:12:48,314
What the matter?
132
00:12:48,514 --> 00:12:49,815
- What kind of talk is that?
- What I do?
133
00:12:50,015 --> 00:12:50,891
"I'm your super, come
down to the basement,"
134
00:12:51,091 --> 00:12:51,567
What I do?
135
00:12:51,767 --> 00:12:52,401
You haven't got the right approach.
136
00:12:52,601 --> 00:12:55,854
You gotta be gentile, you gotta be suave,
137
00:12:56,054 --> 00:12:56,530
What are you talk about?
138
00:12:56,730 --> 00:12:57,982
I ain't no gentile, I no slob.
139
00:12:58,182 --> 00:12:59,825
Yeah, no, no, no, no.
140
00:13:00,025 --> 00:13:02,277
You gotta have the right
things to say to a woman.
141
00:13:02,477 --> 00:13:03,653
Now you say everything I tell ya, okay?
142
00:13:03,853 --> 00:13:04,830
- Sure,
- First thing you say to her,
143
00:13:05,030 --> 00:13:07,741
"Pardon me, madam, often
times I've seen you
144
00:13:07,941 --> 00:13:10,244
"promenade up and down the boulevard,"
145
00:13:10,444 --> 00:13:11,336
Try that.
146
00:13:12,037 --> 00:13:14,248
Often times I see you
running around naked
147
00:13:14,448 --> 00:13:15,549
in the bull-yard.
148
00:13:15,749 --> 00:13:17,676
No, no, no, no, no, come here!
149
00:13:17,876 --> 00:13:19,277
What, "running around
naked in the bull-yard"?
150
00:13:19,477 --> 00:13:20,879
"I seen you promenade up
and down the boulevard."
151
00:13:21,079 --> 00:13:21,472
Try that.
152
00:13:21,672 --> 00:13:23,549
"I seen you promenade up
and down the boulevard."
153
00:13:23,749 --> 00:13:24,225
Try it.
154
00:13:24,425 --> 00:13:25,300
Often times, I see
you running around naked
155
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:26,602
in the bull-yard, the bull-yard,
156
00:13:26,802 --> 00:13:29,763
because when the bull get
you up against the fence.
157
00:13:32,141 --> 00:13:34,877
Now, now, now, Manuel,
Manuel, don't get carried away.
158
00:13:35,077 --> 00:13:37,813
The lines are, "Often times,
I've seen you promenade
159
00:13:38,013 --> 00:13:39,064
"up and down the boulevard."
160
00:13:39,264 --> 00:13:40,198
Try it that way,
161
00:13:40,691 --> 00:13:44,319
Often times I see you promenade
up and down the bull-yard,
162
00:13:44,519 --> 00:13:45,257
Thank you.
163
00:13:45,457 --> 00:13:46,496
Huh?
164
00:13:47,072 --> 00:13:48,449
Now you're scoring, baby boy.
165
00:13:48,649 --> 00:13:50,325
Right on!
166
00:13:50,525 --> 00:13:51,681
- Good, huh?
- Yes,
167
00:13:51,881 --> 00:13:52,837
What I do now, boss?
168
00:13:53,037 --> 00:13:55,914
Now say to her, "You are
the quintessence of beauty."
169
00:13:56,832 --> 00:13:59,209
I like to put my thing
between your boobies.
170
00:13:59,409 --> 00:14:00,523
No, no, not "I'd like to put
171
00:14:00,723 --> 00:14:01,637
my thing between your boobies!"
172
00:14:01,837 --> 00:14:04,156
"You are the quintessence of beauty."
173
00:14:04,356 --> 00:14:06,675
You are the quintessence of beauty.
174
00:14:06,875 --> 00:14:08,643
Oh, thank you!
175
00:14:09,845 --> 00:14:11,522
Stanley, come eat.
176
00:14:11,722 --> 00:14:14,850
Okay, Ma, I just wanna
take my jacket off,
177
00:14:15,050 --> 00:14:16,977
Who were you talking to?
178
00:14:17,177 --> 00:14:18,111
Manuel.
179
00:14:18,937 --> 00:14:20,856
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
180
00:14:21,056 --> 00:14:21,490
Sit down already,
181
00:14:21,690 --> 00:14:23,116
Everything is getting cold.
182
00:14:23,734 --> 00:14:25,119
Ma, you're so lucky.
183
00:14:25,319 --> 00:14:26,745
To have such a beautiful son,
184
00:14:26,945 --> 00:14:29,473
Oh my goodness, look how beautiful I am,
185
00:14:29,673 --> 00:14:32,201
Oh, my heavens, good
thing I'm not a woman.
186
00:14:32,401 --> 00:14:35,099
You're so pretty and so witty.
187
00:14:35,299 --> 00:14:37,998
♪ So pretty, witty, and gay ♪
188
00:14:38,198 --> 00:14:39,383
You're so adorable,
189
00:14:39,583 --> 00:14:40,671
- All right.
- Ma.
190
00:14:40,871 --> 00:14:41,760
Enough with the fooling around.
191
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,505
Hey, Ma, ever see two u-bang-ees meeting
192
00:14:44,705 --> 00:14:45,389
in the middle of the jungle?
193
00:14:45,589 --> 00:14:47,574
One u-bang-ee turns to
the other u-bang-ee, says,
194
00:14:47,774 --> 00:14:49,760
"Peter Piper picked a
peck of pickled peppers,
195
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:53,075
"Now you fan me for a while."
196
00:14:53,275 --> 00:14:56,391
You fan me for a while.
197
00:14:56,591 --> 00:14:57,518
Stanley, stop clowning.
198
00:14:57,718 --> 00:14:58,944
Eat, please.
199
00:14:59,144 --> 00:15:00,646
You've no sense of humor, Ma.
200
00:15:01,647 --> 00:15:03,486
Stanley, I've been thinking,
201
00:15:03,686 --> 00:15:05,526
Maybe I should get married.
202
00:15:07,778 --> 00:15:09,454
Did you say "married," Ma?
203
00:15:10,781 --> 00:15:13,283
It'd be nice to have a man in the house.
204
00:15:13,483 --> 00:15:14,535
A man around the house?
205
00:15:14,735 --> 00:15:15,669
I'm a man, Ma.
206
00:15:15,869 --> 00:15:17,913
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
207
00:15:18,872 --> 00:15:22,751
It would be nice not to have
to worry about bills and rent.
208
00:15:22,951 --> 00:15:24,878
Yeah, Ma, but I'm a
marriage counselor now.
209
00:15:25,078 --> 00:15:25,721
I'll take care of you.
210
00:15:25,921 --> 00:15:28,599
I'm so tired of washing
dishes and cleaning,
211
00:15:28,799 --> 00:15:31,635
If God wanted me to clean, he
would have made me a broom.
212
00:15:33,178 --> 00:15:35,931
Mr. Greenberg, the one
that owns the fruit store,
213
00:15:36,131 --> 00:15:38,183
he's crazy about me, I can tell.
214
00:15:39,017 --> 00:15:40,611
Wow, you got some taste, Ma.
215
00:15:40,811 --> 00:15:42,896
And that Mr. Bloom from the drugstore,
216
00:15:44,189 --> 00:15:45,691
he can't take his eyes off me,
217
00:15:47,693 --> 00:15:49,403
You know who might be
really good to you, Ma?
218
00:15:49,603 --> 00:15:54,032
Somebody fascinating, like Claude Rains.
219
00:15:55,075 --> 00:15:56,710
Remember Claude Rains, Ma?
220
00:15:57,703 --> 00:15:59,129
His most famous part,
221
00:16:01,540 --> 00:16:05,085
"I don't take up much
room, I'm invisible,"
222
00:16:07,462 --> 00:16:08,714
Don't like that either, Ma, huh?
223
00:16:08,914 --> 00:16:09,848
Well, uh,
224
00:16:10,841 --> 00:16:11,642
Go, go already,
225
00:16:11,842 --> 00:16:13,931
That's all, Ma,
226
00:16:14,131 --> 00:16:16,021
You're driving me crazy,
227
00:16:16,221 --> 00:16:18,098
It's time you stopped clowning around,
228
00:16:18,974 --> 00:16:19,608
Okay.
229
00:16:19,808 --> 00:16:22,102
Son, a marriage counselor.
230
00:19:11,513 --> 00:19:11,905
Hello.
231
00:19:12,105 --> 00:19:14,382
- Hello there.
- Oh, Marge.
232
00:19:14,582 --> 00:19:16,351
How nice to hear from you,
233
00:19:16,551 --> 00:19:18,320
What are you doing, Manuel?
234
00:19:19,112 --> 00:19:21,827
I left something, I'm looking for it.
235
00:19:22,027 --> 00:19:24,743
Is that right, Manuel?
236
00:19:40,634 --> 00:19:42,010
Hey, what's this I hear about going
237
00:19:42,210 --> 00:19:44,438
over to Marge's house tonight?
238
00:19:44,638 --> 00:19:45,889
I'm not going over to Marge's house.
239
00:19:46,089 --> 00:19:46,940
I don't like them,
240
00:19:47,140 --> 00:19:48,392
They're cheap bastards.
241
00:19:48,592 --> 00:19:49,067
We're going.
242
00:19:49,267 --> 00:19:51,019
No, we are not going.
243
00:19:51,219 --> 00:19:52,196
Yes, we are,
244
00:19:52,396 --> 00:19:54,089
- No, we're not,
- We're going.
245
00:19:54,289 --> 00:19:55,982
- We're not going.
- We're going.
246
00:19:56,182 --> 00:19:57,075
We're not going.
247
00:19:57,275 --> 00:20:00,028
- We're going.
- No, we are not.
248
00:20:00,228 --> 00:20:01,413
Yes, we are,
249
00:20:02,406 --> 00:20:03,040
We're going.
250
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,033
- No, we're not,
- We're going.
251
00:20:05,233 --> 00:20:05,834
- No.
- Yes,
252
00:20:06,034 --> 00:20:07,811
- No.
- Going, going.
253
00:20:08,011 --> 00:20:09,588
We are going.
- No.
254
00:20:09,788 --> 00:20:10,664
- Going,
- We're not going.
255
00:20:10,864 --> 00:20:12,144
We are going.
256
00:20:12,344 --> 00:20:13,468
No, we are not.
257
00:20:13,668 --> 00:20:15,093
Yes, we are,
258
00:20:15,669 --> 00:20:16,424
We're going.
259
00:20:16,624 --> 00:20:17,679
He going,
260
00:20:18,547 --> 00:20:19,423
- No.
- Yes,
261
00:20:19,623 --> 00:20:20,182
No.
262
00:20:30,508 --> 00:20:31,484
Hello?
263
00:20:34,187 --> 00:20:36,815
Well, the doctor is a very busy man.
264
00:20:40,819 --> 00:20:43,405
Let me look at his appointment book.
265
00:20:43,605 --> 00:20:44,489
Stanley!
266
00:20:44,689 --> 00:20:45,374
Yeah?
267
00:20:45,574 --> 00:20:47,576
There's a lady on the
phone, a Mrs. Rawson,
268
00:20:47,776 --> 00:20:48,502
She's a patient.
269
00:20:48,702 --> 00:20:51,913
She wants to come and see
you tonight with her husband.
270
00:20:52,113 --> 00:20:54,061
Tell them to come at seven o'clock, Ma.
271
00:20:54,261 --> 00:20:56,209
No, no, no, make that eight o'clock.
272
00:20:56,409 --> 00:20:58,011
The doctor is very busy,
273
00:20:58,211 --> 00:21:01,214
but he'll see you
tonight at eight o'clock.
274
00:21:01,414 --> 00:21:02,348
Goodbye.
275
00:21:03,842 --> 00:21:06,845
I have patients already,
276
00:21:07,045 --> 00:21:07,646
How about that?
277
00:21:07,846 --> 00:21:11,475
Stanley Bebble, successful
marriage counselor.
278
00:24:41,142 --> 00:24:43,361
What a pair of post-er-ays.
279
00:27:26,224 --> 00:27:30,937
Okay, Katie, you win, let's get married,
280
00:27:31,137 --> 00:27:34,532
Oh, Stanley, darling, married!
281
00:27:34,732 --> 00:27:39,320
Oh, boy, does that mean
now we can make love?
282
00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:41,990
Oh, Stanley, darling, married!
283
00:27:43,324 --> 00:27:46,119
Oh, oh, oh, boy, then we can make love?
284
00:28:52,435 --> 00:28:55,313
Darling, will you hand me the soap?
285
00:29:27,095 --> 00:29:30,748
Oh, darling, wash my back,
286
00:29:39,357 --> 00:29:41,859
Your hands feel so gentle today.
287
00:29:42,059 --> 00:29:46,113
Oh, just keep on rubbing.
288
00:29:50,368 --> 00:29:52,870
Oh, I've got soap in my eyes, darling!
289
00:29:53,070 --> 00:29:55,122
Get me a towel,
290
00:29:59,210 --> 00:30:00,886
Get me a towel, please!
291
00:30:28,489 --> 00:30:31,909
My, you do have a problem!
292
00:30:32,910 --> 00:30:34,838
Holy gravy,
293
00:30:35,038 --> 00:30:36,414
You mean to tell me that your husband
294
00:30:36,614 --> 00:30:38,341
always calls you a bitch?
295
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:41,177
Mm hmm, and your sex life,
296
00:30:41,377 --> 00:30:42,795
I haven't heard anything
so weird in my life.
297
00:30:42,995 --> 00:30:44,547
Likes to make love in a park,
298
00:30:45,548 --> 00:30:49,761
Well, park is not too bad.
299
00:30:50,928 --> 00:30:52,430
People's backyards?
300
00:30:54,557 --> 00:30:56,893
Well, maybe that's not so weird, either,
301
00:30:57,093 --> 00:31:00,313
On the street, everybody watching?
302
00:31:01,189 --> 00:31:02,323
Oh my God.
303
00:31:04,317 --> 00:31:05,493
He likes to what?
304
00:31:06,319 --> 00:31:07,595
Do it dog fashion?
305
00:31:07,795 --> 00:31:09,372
Only dog fashion?
306
00:31:11,074 --> 00:31:12,833
How degrading!
307
00:31:15,953 --> 00:31:18,581
Next time he does that, you just tell him
308
00:31:18,781 --> 00:31:21,334
he's barking up the wrong tree,
309
00:31:22,668 --> 00:31:24,462
What do you think of that?
310
00:31:29,342 --> 00:31:31,677
That's what you get, talking to a dog.
311
00:31:31,877 --> 00:31:33,554
Straitjacket, throw away the key,
312
00:31:34,347 --> 00:31:36,099
Yeah, all right, get out of here, Cocoa.
313
00:31:36,299 --> 00:31:37,983
Come on, come on, come on,
314
00:31:40,853 --> 00:31:42,313
I'm not talking to any more weirdos.
315
00:31:42,513 --> 00:31:43,489
I want real patients.
316
00:31:43,689 --> 00:31:47,718
Ma, bring in the next patient!
317
00:35:20,239 --> 00:35:21,540
Hey, Manuel.
318
00:35:26,245 --> 00:35:28,748
Come here, I wanna talk to you a minute.
319
00:35:28,948 --> 00:35:29,923
Come here.
320
00:35:34,879 --> 00:35:36,468
What were you doing out there?
321
00:35:36,668 --> 00:35:38,057
I dropped a piece of soap.
322
00:35:38,257 --> 00:35:40,143
I was bending down to pick it up,
323
00:35:40,343 --> 00:35:41,385
Oh, yeah, oh, because you were cleaning
324
00:35:41,585 --> 00:35:43,062
the hallways again, huh?
325
00:35:43,262 --> 00:35:45,389
How come you're always
cleaning the hallways?
326
00:35:45,589 --> 00:35:46,649
You know something, I bet we got
327
00:35:46,849 --> 00:35:48,851
the cleanest hallways in all of America.
328
00:35:49,051 --> 00:35:50,686
No, no, no, no, I take that back.
329
00:35:50,886 --> 00:35:52,321
Probably in the whole wide world.
330
00:35:52,521 --> 00:35:55,533
I got a bad back, so I got a system,
331
00:35:55,733 --> 00:35:57,860
I clean the hallway, a different hallway,
332
00:35:58,060 --> 00:36:00,175
every day, make it easier for me.
333
00:36:00,375 --> 00:36:02,290
Yeah, I know what you mean, yeah,
334
00:36:02,490 --> 00:36:03,958
but let me tell you something, Manuel,
335
00:36:04,158 --> 00:36:05,534
and I don't want you to think
I'm talking down to you,
336
00:36:05,734 --> 00:36:07,077
and I want you to know something,
337
00:36:07,277 --> 00:36:08,421
This has nothing to do with the fact
338
00:36:08,621 --> 00:36:11,123
that you're Puerto Rican and I'm American.
339
00:36:11,323 --> 00:36:12,312
Because I wanna tell you something.
340
00:36:12,512 --> 00:36:13,501
Some of my best friends are janitors.
341
00:36:13,701 --> 00:36:14,468
I want you to know that.
342
00:36:14,668 --> 00:36:15,344
I want you to know something.
343
00:36:15,544 --> 00:36:18,756
Ah, ah, Mister, I'm
no janitor, I a super.
344
00:36:18,956 --> 00:36:19,348
A super.
345
00:36:19,548 --> 00:36:20,424
Please.
346
00:36:20,624 --> 00:36:21,058
No janitor.
347
00:36:21,258 --> 00:36:22,051
Hmm, throw
348
00:36:22,251 --> 00:36:23,052
a couple of romantic words there,
349
00:36:23,252 --> 00:36:24,228
Let me tell you something.
350
00:36:24,428 --> 00:36:25,763
You're trying to get out of something,
351
00:36:25,963 --> 00:36:26,355
and you know what it is.
352
00:36:26,555 --> 00:36:27,890
I told you my toilet bowl was stopped up,
353
00:36:28,090 --> 00:36:28,608
That's two days ago,
354
00:36:28,808 --> 00:36:30,960
and I'm still waiting for you to fix it,
355
00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:33,112
Now, you better have that toilet bowl
356
00:36:33,312 --> 00:36:35,648
fixed by eight o'clock
tonight, and I mean it.
357
00:36:36,690 --> 00:36:38,776
Why, you got an
appointment to take a shit
358
00:36:38,976 --> 00:36:40,244
at eight o'clock tonight?
359
00:36:40,444 --> 00:36:44,073
Very good.
360
00:36:46,450 --> 00:36:48,077
All right, all right, I fix it,
361
00:36:50,329 --> 00:36:51,956
Go drop another piece of soap.
362
00:37:10,724 --> 00:37:15,479
You bastard, you're always
getting horny when I'm busy.
363
00:37:16,480 --> 00:37:18,482
You know, there's a marriage
counselor in the building.
364
00:37:18,682 --> 00:37:20,985
I really think that we should go see him.
365
00:37:21,185 --> 00:37:22,161
What for?
366
00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:24,622
You're nuts.
367
00:37:24,822 --> 00:37:27,116
I think we should go see him.
368
00:37:27,316 --> 00:37:28,042
No!
369
00:37:28,242 --> 00:37:30,703
I think we should go see him.
370
00:37:30,903 --> 00:37:33,226
All right, all right.
371
00:38:01,850 --> 00:38:02,326
Yes?
372
00:38:02,526 --> 00:38:04,286
We're Mr. And Mrs, Rawson.
373
00:38:05,905 --> 00:38:07,907
Come into the waiting room,
374
00:38:20,169 --> 00:38:21,795
Go into the waiting room, please.
375
00:38:44,777 --> 00:38:46,370
Mr. and Mrs. Rawson?
376
00:38:46,570 --> 00:38:49,156
We're Mr, and Mrs. Rawson.
377
00:38:49,356 --> 00:38:50,490
I'm Mrs. George.
378
00:38:50,690 --> 00:38:51,625
This is my husband.
379
00:38:51,825 --> 00:38:53,627
We live on the floor above you.
380
00:38:53,827 --> 00:38:56,455
The card said no appointment necessary.
381
00:38:56,655 --> 00:38:57,965
Oh, that's all right,
382
00:38:58,165 --> 00:39:00,718
Why don't you all follow
me into my office.
383
00:39:00,918 --> 00:39:03,837
That's the latest methods,
you know, group therapy.
384
00:39:04,037 --> 00:39:07,091
Same fee, but you get much better results,
385
00:39:36,453 --> 00:39:38,455
Well, where do we start?
386
00:39:40,624 --> 00:39:41,925
Look here, buddy.
387
00:39:43,460 --> 00:39:44,803
Just a little joke.
388
00:40:01,478 --> 00:40:04,273
Mrs, Rawson, how long
have you been married?
389
00:40:06,859 --> 00:40:08,035
Seven years.
390
00:40:08,652 --> 00:40:11,080
Hey, that's a good question.
391
00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:13,157
After all, I am a marriage counselor,
392
00:40:16,619 --> 00:40:18,787
Tell me everything, Mrs. Rawson.
393
00:40:18,987 --> 00:40:19,922
Everything?
394
00:40:20,914 --> 00:40:22,049
Only way I can help you.
395
00:40:22,249 --> 00:40:25,465
Have to know every single little thing,
396
00:40:25,665 --> 00:40:28,361
I first met my husband Brian
397
00:40:28,561 --> 00:40:31,258
at the Fong-go club in the Village,
398
00:40:32,897 --> 00:40:34,436
What club?
399
00:40:36,138 --> 00:40:38,766
The Fong-go club,
400
00:40:38,966 --> 00:40:41,477
I was a dancer there.
401
00:41:41,245 --> 00:41:42,754
I was a good dancer, too,
402
00:41:43,372 --> 00:41:46,087
I could've had a great career,
403
00:41:46,287 --> 00:41:49,002
But I gave it up for him!
404
00:41:51,630 --> 00:41:53,181
Go on, Mrs. Rawson,
405
00:41:53,841 --> 00:41:56,009
Brian said it was love at first sight.
406
00:41:57,344 --> 00:41:59,329
First fright is more like it.
407
00:41:59,529 --> 00:42:01,986
"First fright."
408
00:42:02,186 --> 00:42:04,643
Now that's funny.
409
00:42:14,278 --> 00:42:15,204
Go on, Mrs. Rawson,
410
00:42:15,404 --> 00:42:18,332
Brian just couldn't
keep his hands off me,
411
00:42:18,532 --> 00:42:23,537
Wherever we were, he
always wanted to, you know.
412
00:42:25,247 --> 00:42:27,174
Screw, say it!
413
00:42:27,374 --> 00:42:29,168
Why, even the first night we met.
414
00:42:30,627 --> 00:42:33,380
He said he left some papers
he had to mail in his room,
415
00:42:36,550 --> 00:42:37,684
New twist.
416
00:42:38,260 --> 00:42:39,557
Papers to mail.
417
00:42:39,757 --> 00:42:41,354
No hijinks.
418
00:42:43,265 --> 00:42:45,267
But when we got there.
419
00:45:52,871 --> 00:45:55,211
We kept company for six months,
420
00:45:55,411 --> 00:45:57,751
and Brian was just wonderful.
421
00:46:01,254 --> 00:46:03,465
What the hell are you balling about?
422
00:46:03,665 --> 00:46:05,141
I married you, didn't I?
423
00:46:06,760 --> 00:46:08,270
So you were married.
424
00:46:09,012 --> 00:46:11,014
We spent our honeymoon in Hawaii.
425
00:46:12,641 --> 00:46:14,726
Hawaii, all those leis!
426
00:46:53,807 --> 00:46:56,518
Come on, baby, let's
make with the bodies,
427
00:46:57,519 --> 00:46:59,938
That's what you call a real sexy moon.
428
00:47:01,398 --> 00:47:02,449
Oh, Brian.
429
00:48:51,550 --> 00:48:53,306
They said Hawaii was beautiful,
430
00:48:53,506 --> 00:48:55,262
but I didn't see any of the sights.
431
00:48:55,462 --> 00:48:58,014
I was on my back all the time.
432
00:48:58,214 --> 00:49:00,567
Well, can't have everything,
433
00:49:00,767 --> 00:49:02,269
But when we got back from the honeymoon,
434
00:49:02,469 --> 00:49:04,195
everything was changed.
435
00:49:05,021 --> 00:49:06,648
He forgot that I was a woman.
436
00:49:11,069 --> 00:49:13,872
Brian, Brian, damn it,
437
00:49:14,072 --> 00:49:15,949
Remember me, your wife Myra?
438
00:49:31,715 --> 00:49:33,099
Brian, Brian!
439
00:49:42,475 --> 00:49:43,402
Brian!
440
00:50:36,404 --> 00:50:37,659
What the hell are you doing?
441
00:50:37,859 --> 00:50:39,415
I can't see the picture,
442
00:50:40,742 --> 00:50:43,161
Brian doesn't even know I have a body!
443
00:50:45,747 --> 00:50:47,841
Mr. Rawson, what are you,
444
00:50:48,041 --> 00:50:51,178
some kind of a cold fish or something?
445
00:50:51,378 --> 00:50:53,797
I didn't wanna come
here in the first place.
446
00:50:53,997 --> 00:50:54,973
She insisted,
447
00:50:56,633 --> 00:50:58,426
I should've left her in Hawaii,
448
00:50:59,552 --> 00:51:02,180
Boy, that was where she
was hot in the pants.
449
00:51:03,932 --> 00:51:05,433
A real woman.
450
00:51:06,935 --> 00:51:08,236
But now.,.
451
00:51:10,438 --> 00:51:12,315
Listen, last week,
452
00:54:40,857 --> 00:54:43,718
There's the cold fish,
453
00:54:46,779 --> 00:54:48,406
Now, now, Mrs, Rawson.
454
00:54:50,033 --> 00:54:52,035
Try to control yourself.
455
00:54:54,913 --> 00:54:56,789
And now we'll hear from
the other panelists.
456
00:54:56,989 --> 00:54:59,167
I mean our other friends in the room.
457
00:55:00,627 --> 00:55:02,670
What are your sex problems?
458
00:55:02,870 --> 00:55:03,972
Sex problems?
459
00:55:04,172 --> 00:55:06,132
We don't have any sex problems.
460
00:55:07,050 --> 00:55:08,935
Sex ain't everything.
461
00:55:09,135 --> 00:55:10,803
We got a sex life, don't we, baby?
462
00:55:13,181 --> 00:55:13,940
Yeah, Tom.
463
00:55:14,140 --> 00:55:16,392
But we got plenty of other problems.
464
00:55:16,592 --> 00:55:18,361
So, what's wrong?
465
00:55:18,561 --> 00:55:21,272
I can't remember the last
time I had a decent meal.
466
00:55:22,148 --> 00:55:24,025
You got a hell of a nerve.
467
00:55:24,225 --> 00:55:25,577
Go on, go on.
468
00:55:25,777 --> 00:55:28,571
I don't know how I put up
with him all these years.
469
00:55:28,771 --> 00:55:30,248
Put up with me?
470
00:55:30,448 --> 00:55:32,079
You've had me by the balls ever since
471
00:55:32,279 --> 00:55:33,910
I was stupid enough to marry you.
472
00:55:34,786 --> 00:55:36,125
Oh, bulghur.
473
00:55:36,325 --> 00:55:37,464
Bulghur.
474
00:55:37,664 --> 00:55:40,083
Why, if I wasn't a gentleman.
475
00:55:40,283 --> 00:55:41,760
You a gentleman?
476
00:55:41,960 --> 00:55:43,545
Before I was batty enough to say "I do,"
477
00:55:43,745 --> 00:55:45,388
you were a real doll.
478
00:55:46,214 --> 00:55:48,716
He's just not interested in me anymore,
479
00:55:48,916 --> 00:55:49,893
except in bed.
480
00:55:50,093 --> 00:55:53,596
Maybe if you didn't always
look like such a slob.
481
00:55:53,796 --> 00:55:55,431
You call me a slob?
482
00:55:57,725 --> 00:55:58,651
Why don't you shut up?
483
00:55:58,851 --> 00:56:00,603
You have a big mouth,
just like your mother.
484
00:56:00,803 --> 00:56:02,167
My mother has a big mouth?
485
00:56:02,367 --> 00:56:03,531
Yeah, and she almost ate me
486
00:56:03,731 --> 00:56:06,234
right into the poorhouse
with her big mouth,
487
00:56:06,434 --> 00:56:07,494
How dare you.
488
00:56:07,694 --> 00:56:10,738
She hardly ate a thing the
short time that she was there.
489
00:56:10,938 --> 00:56:12,156
Short time?
490
00:56:12,356 --> 00:56:13,375
Three years!
491
00:56:13,575 --> 00:56:15,126
It was only two months.
492
00:56:15,827 --> 00:56:17,796
Well, it felt like three years.
493
00:56:17,996 --> 00:56:20,623
She sure ate for three
years in those two months,
494
00:56:22,625 --> 00:56:24,752
Could you pass the string beans?
495
00:57:32,070 --> 00:57:33,121
Pig!
496
00:57:34,947 --> 00:57:38,534
Well, Mom always did
have a big appetite,
497
00:57:38,734 --> 00:57:40,662
but your mother never left us alone,
498
00:57:40,862 --> 00:57:41,379
not even for a minute,
499
00:57:41,579 --> 00:57:43,581
the whole year she stayed with us.
500
00:57:52,465 --> 00:57:54,842
I wish we could go to the
movies without your mother.
501
00:57:55,042 --> 00:57:56,603
Just once,
502
00:57:56,803 --> 00:57:58,271
I don't know why she insists on going.
503
00:57:58,471 --> 00:58:01,182
She falls asleep as soon as
she hits the seat, anyway.
504
00:58:02,058 --> 00:58:03,851
She drives the audience
crazy with her snoring.
505
00:58:04,051 --> 00:58:05,611
It's so embarrassing.
506
00:58:06,354 --> 00:58:07,905
Yeah, well, I.
507
00:58:31,379 --> 00:58:32,805
Night, mother.
508
00:58:33,506 --> 00:58:34,807
Goodnight, son,
509
00:58:35,842 --> 00:58:37,869
Goodnight, Mother,
510
00:59:07,123 --> 00:59:08,666
What took you so long?
511
00:59:09,667 --> 00:59:11,794
And you talk about my mother?
512
00:59:14,297 --> 00:59:19,302
Please, help me,
I'm so miserable.
513
00:59:22,013 --> 00:59:23,606
Mr, Rawson, why don't you put
514
00:59:23,806 --> 00:59:25,933
your arm around her and comfort her?
515
00:59:26,809 --> 00:59:29,900
Ah, she doesn't even
have a figure anymore.
516
00:59:30,100 --> 00:59:33,191
She used to have a great pair of knockers.
517
00:59:35,568 --> 00:59:38,821
You're crazy, she has
a beautiful pair of tits.
518
00:59:39,021 --> 00:59:41,449
How the hell do you know what she's got?
519
00:59:41,649 --> 00:59:43,334
It were last Thursday.
520
00:59:43,534 --> 00:59:46,037
The last Thursday, I were
cleaning up the hall.
521
00:59:46,237 --> 00:59:48,664
I bend down to pick up a piece of soap,
522
00:59:48,864 --> 00:59:50,603
and then I see.
523
01:02:32,328 --> 01:02:36,207
I never do that before, look
through keyhole, not me,
524
01:02:36,407 --> 01:02:38,250
Just this one time,
525
01:02:38,450 --> 01:02:40,177
I got honor!
526
01:02:42,254 --> 01:02:43,764
Last Thursday, huh?
527
01:02:44,507 --> 01:02:46,509
Last Thursday, I stayed
at my mother's house.
528
01:02:46,709 --> 01:02:48,311
I didn't come home until Friday!
529
01:02:48,511 --> 01:02:51,389
Why, you no good,
two-timing son of a bitch!
530
01:02:51,589 --> 01:02:55,080
Listen, I can explain everything!
531
01:02:58,971 --> 01:03:00,573
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
532
01:03:00,773 --> 01:03:02,274
Oh, we're through.
533
01:03:12,410 --> 01:03:13,336
Yes?
534
01:03:13,536 --> 01:03:14,745
Hello, Mother.
535
01:03:14,945 --> 01:03:15,838
Mother?
536
01:03:16,038 --> 01:03:18,165
I'm not your mother.
537
01:03:20,292 --> 01:03:21,844
Didn't Stanley tell you?
538
01:03:22,628 --> 01:03:24,179
Tell me what?
539
01:03:24,797 --> 01:03:27,299
Well, Stanley and I,
we're getting married,
540
01:03:36,559 --> 01:03:39,562
Married, my Stanley getting
married, don't be ridiculous,
541
01:03:39,762 --> 01:03:40,238
Are you kidding me?
542
01:03:40,438 --> 01:03:41,489
My Stanley getting married.
543
01:03:41,689 --> 01:03:44,075
He can't even go to the
bathroom without me.
544
01:03:44,275 --> 01:03:48,029
Maybe 100 years from now,
when I'm dead, God forbid,
545
01:03:48,229 --> 01:03:51,532
maybe Stanley will get
married, but not now.
546
01:03:59,206 --> 01:04:00,958
Don't you put your hands on my husband!
547
01:04:01,158 --> 01:04:02,710
Don't you hit him!
548
01:04:05,287 --> 01:04:07,193
Now listen, folks.
549
01:04:15,222 --> 01:04:16,849
I'll punch you in the nose,
550
01:04:29,019 --> 01:04:29,495
Katie!
551
01:04:33,065 --> 01:04:33,999
Katie!
552
01:04:37,594 --> 01:04:39,121
Get lost, jerk.
553
01:04:40,581 --> 01:04:44,001
Oh, well, at least let me
come in and explain to you.
554
01:04:44,201 --> 01:04:46,253
Oh, Katie, just give
me a minute to come in.
555
01:04:46,453 --> 01:04:49,006
I can explain the whole thing to you.
556
01:04:49,206 --> 01:04:52,009
Aw, Katie, aw, forget it.
557
01:04:59,591 --> 01:05:00,567
Katie!
558
01:05:01,894 --> 01:05:03,070
Katie.
559
01:05:03,729 --> 01:05:06,273
Katie,
560
01:05:07,358 --> 01:05:08,910
Come on, Katie.
561
01:05:09,110 --> 01:05:10,903
Don't make a grown man cry, Katie.
562
01:05:12,029 --> 01:05:14,532
Aw, Katie, I love you so much.
563
01:05:14,732 --> 01:05:17,535
I can't live without you,
564
01:05:30,706 --> 01:05:31,307
Katie!
565
01:05:31,507 --> 01:05:35,928
Come on, Katie, I can't live
without you, baby.
566
01:05:37,388 --> 01:05:38,689
Aw, Katie.
567
01:05:45,646 --> 01:05:47,110
Boy, oh, boy, she's gonna feel
568
01:05:47,310 --> 01:05:49,074
sorry when I kill myself, boy.
569
01:05:49,942 --> 01:05:53,028
I'm gonna open up this
window and I'm gonna jump.
570
01:05:53,228 --> 01:05:54,905
I'm gonna jump, that's what I'm gonna do.
571
01:05:55,105 --> 01:05:55,989
22 stories up,
572
01:05:56,189 --> 01:05:57,374
She'll be...
573
01:05:58,200 --> 01:05:59,126
Damn window.
574
01:06:17,219 --> 01:06:21,098
Yep, you're gonna feel
real sorry when I'm gone.
575
01:06:27,813 --> 01:06:29,861
Can't gag on the pills.
576
01:06:30,061 --> 01:06:32,109
I can get hurt that way.
577
01:06:32,985 --> 01:06:33,786
No pills for me.
578
01:07:04,350 --> 01:07:07,941
No wonder my gas bill is so high.
579
01:07:12,775 --> 01:07:13,701
Stanley?
580
01:07:13,901 --> 01:07:16,403
I have a surprise for you,
581
01:07:17,738 --> 01:07:19,206
I got married.
582
01:07:21,033 --> 01:07:23,085
I did it for you.
583
01:07:23,285 --> 01:07:25,371
Every boy needs a father,
584
01:07:26,163 --> 01:07:31,168
So, turn the gas off and
go, go meet your new daddy.
585
01:07:42,429 --> 01:07:43,605
Son!
586
01:08:06,453 --> 01:08:07,129
Hey, you.
587
01:08:16,046 --> 01:08:17,589
What's the matter with you?
588
01:08:17,789 --> 01:08:18,736
You deaf?
589
01:08:18,936 --> 01:08:20,183
You no hear?
590
01:08:23,262 --> 01:08:28,017
Didn't I tell you yesterday
to fix the toilet bowl in 1A?
591
01:08:30,686 --> 01:08:32,442
Well, go fix it,
37521
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.