All language subtitles for Im.Alan.Partridge.S02E02.The.Colour.Of.Alan.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor

That was Roxanne by The Police -
or as they're now known, Sting -

with a song about a prostitute.
Doesn't say what her surname is.

Must give her a call some time.

Although the effects of 23 years
on the game would not render her
pleasureable to mine eye.

JINGLE PLAYS
'Alan's Funny Stories!'

Just time for one quick funny story
before the news.

On line 4 we have Roy.
Hello, Roy. Hello.

Funny story, what is it?
I sold this Makita cordless
power drill in the local paper

and six months later, I received the
same one back as a present from my
brother-in-law, minus the power
pack.

I see. So the present you gave away,
you then got back.
That's it. Goodbye.

LINE GOES DEAD

What a funny story.

'Alan's Funny Stories!'

That was a funny story. Ha-ha-ha.

Er...

I wonder who got the power pack.

Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha. ..Ha-ha.

News.

How can you set fire to your hands?

Hello... Carl. ..Carl!

There's a lot of room in here.
Nice to be able to jog around.

It's good, it's good.

I'm in quite a good mood today.

I've just found out my wife's
been struck off my life insurance.
Spice World! Are you married? Yeah.

Divorced. I've got access to the
kids, but they don't wanna see me!

John.

Hello, John.

We've concreted the floor.
No bodies underneath there, I hope?

What? I'm just joshing with you.
Have you put t'corpse
under t'patio?

I expect you get that all the time.
Not really.

That skirting board seems too low.
Could you change it again?

Ee! 'Appen he thinks
I'm a right indecisive tit!

I don't think he likes it
when you do that accent.

Well, I'll...I'll...
I'll stop, then.

Can you not put your foot...? I was
just going to do a cockney walk!

All right? Hello.

Actually, I've got some good news.
I've just come into a rather
substantial amount of money.

I'm hosting a sales conference for
Dante's of Reading, the Ferrari of
the coal-effect gas fire industry.

So, as regards decision-making,
we'll be in a can-do/go situation.

I won't bore you with the details...
Right. Right.

Right, hands off your cocks
and on with... Oh, hello.

It's just an army saying!
..Give us another one.

Kill! Kill! Stab, twist, kill!

Michael's going to be staying here
for a bit till
they put his front door back on.

Welcome aboard the good ship...
My House.

Do you want to tell Michael
there's no smoking in the house?
There's no smoking...

Do you want to tell her
whose house it is? It's my house.

If you've got owt to say,
say it to my face. It's a matter
of hygiene. Hey! Whoa! Seconds out!

Ding-ding!

No, I'd never let that happen.
He'd batter you.
Come on. Tell me what you've got.

A book signing at 12 o'clock
and you're meeting
with Piet Morant from Dante Fires...

Mary Poppins! What's that?

That's me bike! That's Desert Storm.

The Iraqis must have been petrified
when they saw that on the horizon,

especially if it had
a cigarette card in the spokes
so it went, pbrrrr. "Aiyeee!"

Why don't you two bury the hatchet
over a machine coffee? After you,
Lynn. ..Probably me next.

Lynn, I need to speak to you about
something. Sonja has made me this.

It's a mug with my face on one side
and a cat on the other.

What does it mean? I don't know.
She may be planning something worse.

She's talking about selling this
stuff down at the covered market!
That's terrible. It's a disaster!

I don't want my face on this!
I want it on THIS!

I might put it on a jar of pasta.
Did you hear back from Dolmio
about my pasta gravy sauce? No.

Let it go. D'you fancy a cup
of "delicious microwaveable soup"?
Yeah, just pop it in the microwave.

Can you imagine if they had
microwaves in medieval times?

A giant microwave, you just
pop a witch in it. Horrific.

If she bursts, she's innocent.

And if she comes out looking normal,
but cold on the outside and
hot in the middle, she's a witch.

You have to remember to take the
foil off first. That's just pies.

Do you mind me watching Poirot on UK
Gold? No, just pop the earphones on.
..Oh, you have.

Look at her. Dead to the world.

She's sitting in the exact spot
where me and Sonja have it off.

Are you still doing it twice a day?

Yeah. Diary permitting.

Give you a heart attack! No, it's
good for you. It's cardiovascular
exercise - like press-ups.

I suppose, yeah. Cos you ARE
working the major muscle groups.

That IS a woman?

Aye, aye, look - long hair.

Could be Brian May.

That's not his cup of tea. That's
the other one. God rest his soul.
..I've got to collect the PA,

IF Choristers haven't lost it.
Security's awful! They'd let YOU in.
That's ridiculous!

And the person who stole
your front door. There's Sonja,
talking to the builders. Oh, God!

Just take normal photograph
into Snappy Snaps
and put photo on cushion.

This cushion is called
scatter cushion. It's brilliant.
I call it scatter love-cushion...

because it represents
my love for Alan.

You could sit on his face.

What do you mean?

Sit on Alan's face. It's a joke.
Filthy joke!

And Alan is... Whoa! Whoa!

That's English for stop a horse!

He's being very disgusting.
What did he say?

He say I sit on your face.

Have you been spying on us? No.

Sonja, I'LL handle this.
Go and sit in the static home.

Sorry about that.

Hello, I'm a communist with a gun.
I've thrown the Royal Family out
of a plane, can I use your toilet?

BUZZ!
Utter, utter nutters.

Hello,
commuters with your computers.

This book would fit
into an attache case

or the thigh pocket of a pair
of fashionable combat trousers,

not like
those massive Stephen King books.

They should be on wheels.
It's embarrassing. Idiot.

For £10, you get a very good book,
a free torch - a night stick,
as used in the X Files.

There's a demonstration model
tied to the chair
with a skipping rope by that woman.

What is it you want?

Right, train for Lowestoft
is on platform 4.

It leaves in, er, five minutes, so
better learn to jog again, quickly.

Seriously, run. You will miss it.

This book is a top business aid,

as I'm sure...you are, sir...
Look at that. Not even listening.

Off to London, no doubt.

Go to London. I guarantee you'll
either be mugged or not appreciated.

Catch the train to London,

stopping at Rejection,
Disappointment, Back-stabbing
Central and Shattered Dreams.

Alan! Alan! There! It's Piet Morant
from Dante Fires. He can't see me!

Why not? To the untrained eye,
this could look like it's rubbish

and I haven't bounced back!
But you have. I know! Point him out
to me. He's got a beard. Got him.

Hi, I'm Alan Partridge. I'm Piet.

You don't mind if I just do that,
like that? No, not at all. I wasn't
expecting you to come and meet me.

Sorry about the smell of urine, but
there's nothing to do round here.
With Apache, it is a one-stop shop.

What part of Birmingham
are you from? I'm from South Africa.

SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT:
Oh, I should have geesed!

This is a bit of a laugh.
Security card.

Security? I am an arsonist with
a big box of matches. Please can I
come in to set fire to the staff?

BUZZ!
Unbelievable. ..After you.

Yeah, it's ridiculous.
They know who I am,
but YOU could be a sex offender!

OK, you've come to use the great
facilities, but you're still a sex
offender. I'm NOT a sex offender!

It's OK - they won't ask you about
it! But I'm not a sex offender!
Great, something we have in common!

The security here's terrible.
I actually booked the room
under the name of the Real IRA.

They didn't bat an eyelid!

I'll just go and tell them it's me.

We've got to get out of here.
What's up? Crossed wires.
Shall we go to Apache? My house?

There's no electricity!
I'd just like to see the set-up.
Yes, we'll go straight to Apache,

after a pub lunch...for an hour.

Alan, there's some
really nice houses around here.
Sorry it's a building site.

You should have a hat hard-on.

What am I saying?!
I mean, a hat hard-on.

I've done it again! ..Come in...

POSH ACCENT: Hello. How do you do?
How nice to meet you!

How do you do? This is Michael.
Unusual accent. Where are you from?

I'm originally from Newcastle,
like! Michael's in charge
of our, uh...internet computer.

Aye. There's nae porn on it!

Did you understand that? No. Good.
..This is Lynn...

Close your mouth, Lynn.
..Well, shall we move through to
what is clearly the conference area?

So, this is Apache Communications?
Yeah.

We normally have three clocks
on the wall, telling the time
in London, Paris...

and Dublin. It's the same as London,
but you do need to be reminded.

I'm dying to hear your ideas
for the fireplace conference, Alan.
Grab a sofa! Over here? Sure, yeah.

Let me tell you a bit
about the setup here.

You can't use the toilet,
because it's blocked.

Yeah, you see, at Apache,
we way-y-y-y-y...!

Sorry, uh...this is a new table,
and it's not quite finished.
Do you wanna pop this on?

Oh, no, it's hiding a handle.

D'you want a piece of fruit?
Uh, no, thanks!

Did you see that? Yes. Yah, yah...

I, uh...I think the designer
has gone for that...

"toilet door balanced on
a Black & Decker Workmate" effect.

Uh...Alan, I can't see you.
That's fine, no problem.
I'll just hop up here.

Whose is that caravan? The builders
live there. Lynn sometimes goes in.
..I don't think anything's going on!

I told her I disapprove
of workplace relationships, but...

shit happens!

Whoa!

You've gotta laugh
when you fall off a sofa!

Bloody sofa!
..I like this time of evening,
when the lighting's quite bad.

WAIT, LYNN!

Three, two, one, land.

So, uh...shall we start, Alan?

Yes. Now, the main thing...
Thank you.

The main thing is,
we need something quite quickly.

Now, as we always say at Dante
Fires, what is the BURNING issue?

That's good, that - burning issue,
fireplaces. I like it.

So, we want to give our sales force
something inspirational.

What are you laughing at?
I'm still laughing at the "burning
issue" thing. Very good joke.

Splash-down.

Ee-ee-ee-ee!

You want me to put it in the middle?
That would be tremendously helpful.

Shall we put the lights on, or
wait 15 minutes? Never mind that!

All I want to know is, can you give
us a pyrotechnics-and-light show?

Absolutely. We can do you...

SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT:
..pyrotechnics.

I recommend you start with a couple
of humorous comments, jokes.
We don't want a clown.

No, no clowns! They'd never get to
the podium with those long shoes on.

How do they go down in South Africa?
With all that make-up, they're
neither one thing nor the other.

Are they allowed on buses?
Look, Alan, no clowns, no gags!
Just a couple of jokes?

No, Alan, no! Please?

No, you CAUN'T!
Well, there's no need for THAT!

I only wanted to do
a couple of jokes!

YOU CAUN'T! You've done it again!

You've said it again!
Just because I've got a shit table!

What do you want?!
I want you to turn the lights on.
Good call. MICHAEL!

Aye? Oh, you're there.
Can we pop the lights on?
Aye. Mind your heids! Comin' doon!

There we go. Yeah, it, uh...

Now...

it does look to me like, uh...

torches attached to a bicycle wheel.

Probably designed by the same person
who did the table. Yeah.

I like South Africa.
And I hated those people who
wouldn't trade with you in the '80s!

I carried on buying your tomatoes
all that time. You say "tomah-to",
I say "tomay-to". You say...

SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT:
..to-maw-to...

I say "potato", you say, "pow-dato".
Let's call the whole thing
a thoroughly nice chap,

"and doesn't matter
what RAICE he is." ..LYNN!

Yes? Oh, you're there. Um, I don't
think this is quite bright enough.
We're going to have to "go nuclear".

Look, Alan, it's too late
to cancel! ..I'm sorry.

If you don't mind being angry
down the centre of the table...

When the meeting's over, I'm taking
this table back. Bloody useless!

You've hit the hazards!

If I've said "full beam" once,
I must have said it a dozen times!

Level with me, Piet!
Have I got this job?

It's too late to book anyone else,
so the answer has to be yes.

Jacka-nacka-nory! ..Ah!

That's better. "Full beam!"

For the conference, I'd like four
glitter explosions, 12 puff flashes,

and the sequence will be,
"puff, flash, puff, flash, bang!"
Well, basically,

could I have a condensed
Pink Floyd concert for £500?

Yes. OK, thanks, Lynn.

You want to eat? What have we got?
We got eggs, chicken...

Which came first(?)

I just buy the chicken on Thursday.
Yeah, I... Chicken's fine.

It's empty. What do you mean?

The chicken is empty! You mean it's
hollow? There is no chicken inside!

You didn't buy a display model,
did you?

Inside! Giblets? Giblets! That's
awful! I like them! You might eat
them in YOUR country! We don't here.

I don't wanna eat an intestine,
or a chicken heart on a mini-muffin!

It's like a sort of voodoo canape!

You want to make love?
The bed's ready.

Nah, I'm fine, thanks. I'll just go
and check on Michael. OK.

Alan, I love you! Thanks a lot!

Hello, Michael. Whoa!

Do you wanna be on your own?
No, it's nice having a bit company!
Keep the demons at bay. Yeah.

I was thinking, can you imagine
if we were the last two people
on Earth, camped out up here?

Oh, aye, aye. We'd have to breed!

Yeah, I...I think I'd prefer
to adopt. Men can, these days.

I'd adopt a greyhound. The last one
I had was right clever, you know.
But if they were THAT clever,

they'd know that thing they chase
isn't a rabbit. If this
fireplace conference gangs well,

you could get yourself a helicopter.
I'd love a helicopter.
The world's getting smaller.

That's global warming! No, that's
something different. ..I'd just
like to fly it all round Norfolk!

Swoop down over a field, scare
a donkey, so it falls into a river.

Then hover over one of those
annoying families on a bike holiday,

and shout, "Get out of the area!"
and watch them panic.

Me, I'd have
an Apache Attack Helicopter.

Great! I'd gang back to school.
First, I'd take oot the labs.
Dr-r-r-r, ps-ew!

Then I'd type into the attack
computer, "Mr Cragg, chemistry
teacher." Psh-w! Blow him to bits.

I know the feeling! Then I'd look
for Tom Donaldson. I'd hover,
just doon the road from his house.

I'd duck down behind the trees.
He thinks he's safe, and he's about
to put his key in, and I'd come up.

R-r-r-r-r-r! "Hello, ya bastard!"
He panics, and he gangs in
the hoose! So I get the 30mm cannon,

and I take oot the fish pond.
Dr-r-r-r-r! Koi carp - boom!
Boom! Give them five rounds each.

I'd tilt the helicopter over to one
side - dr-r-r-r-r! The machine-gun
bullets is chewin' up the drive.

He comes out. "No!
Not me Triumph Stag - I've just
had it resprayed!" I cut it in half.

He goes, "Agh!" He runs onto
the garage roof. He's begging us,
"No, no! No, please, don't!"

Dr-r-r-r! POW-W! Then I fly off
to Cornwall, and I just smash into
the sea in a big ball of flames.

Sleep well, Michael!

Who's Tom Donaldson?

Oh, he's just a mate.

Hello. I've just swallowed a load
of anthrax, and I'd like to let off
like mad in the bar. Can I come in?

You haven't opened the gate.
Well done.

Now, I've just remembered.
I've forgotten my card.

I was showing it to a Geordie last
night, he asked to hold it, and
I've left it in his bloody hands!

Hello? MAN: 'Hello.' Right,
I think what's happened here is,

I made a complaint about you,
and you're pursuing a vendetta,
which I can understand.

Hello? 'Hello.'
You DO know who I am?

'No.'

Oh. Got it! There's a complimentary
copy of my book, Bouncing Back,
behind Reception. Can you see it?

'Yeah.' Right, well, I'll replicate
the cover stance. 'OK, go on.'

WOMAN: 'Hello, can I help you?'

Is Sean there?

'No, he's just knocked off
for the evening. Can I help?'
No, it's fine, thank you.

Alan, what are you doing?
Climbing over a fence. You're
nearly fi... "Nearly fifty"?!

At least I'm... AGH! What?

Lynn, I've pierced my foot
on a spike! Oh!

It frigging hurts like mad! Can you
go into the recovery position?
You're just quoting Casualty!

Pull it off! All the blood will run
out the hole, you old mess! Pull
your foot off. Leave it on the spike

No, pull it OFF the spike,
after three! No, you pull YOURS off!
Mine's not on the spike!

Someone's coming - be normal, be
normal. Dante Fires, through there.

Oo-oo-ooh...you're gonna have
a good time! Being a bit camp.

I can feel the blood squelching
in my shoe. Can you hear it? Yes.

Listen. Listen.
SQUELCH!

Argh!

Look at you, Alan.
You should be in hospital!

Some of these people
have come from Stoke! I'm going on.

Shall I go on for you? Lynn...

you couldn't present a...CAT!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "The Heat Is On"
by Glenn Frey

Morning!

# The heat is on
On the street... #

AHA-A-A-A!

What a year it's been for Dante
Fires. Maybe you're here tonight
with a wife, or an old FLAME.

SILENCE

But what IS the BURNING issue?

Hit your targets,
or you'll be...FIRED!

But today is also about fun!

Have you all got your fun packs?
I've got one here.

I've dropped it. ..I've got a list
here. It should contain a torch,
a Curly Wurly, a book of stamps,

a free digital watch with
denim strap, a vodka miniature, a
Bic-style razor and a Daily Express.

Oo-oo-oo-ooh...it's a good paper!

Now...first award tonight
is for best... Christ!

Not Christ.
Sorry, I keep saying "Christ".

I know some of you may be religious,
and to those people, I apol...

HE VOMITS

BANG!

Sorry...
I was supposed to hit that later.

I'll just wait for it to finish.

..A glittering year ahead.

You might wanna read
your Daily Express...

Don't shine that torch in my face,
mate! I've lost a pint of blood!

On now, as we look back
at a fantastic year for direct...

I'm gonna be sick again.

HE VOMITS

HE RETCHES REPEATEDLY

Ooh, you know that feeling
when there's nothing coming up?

HE RETCHES

Oh, Jesus.

LOUD RETCHING

HE GROANS

August bucked the trend
for downturn in...

RETCHING

Oh, God...

Ah...I sound like the devil.

Foot's coming out my shoe.
That's not going back in again.

Do you want some more glitter?
BANG!

Two grand, that cost.

I was gonna give
out some...some awards...

but, uh...that's not gonna happen.

I mean, look at me.

Go and eat some coffee.

Drink it. It's soup you can eat.
That's a liquid.

# The heat is on... #

Are we nearly there? Move forward.
You're going in the right direction.

Michael, I'm not the Viet Nam!
I'm gonna take this off. No!

Leave it. This doesn't feel
like a treat! OK, that way.

Take it off now!

Look, I've made you
a helicopter landing pad!

But it's a small "h".

No, man, it's big!
You can see that from space!

Michael, I don't want aliens
to see this from space.

It will be embarrassing!

They will look down through their
giant telescope and say, "Look at
that idiot, he's got a baby 'h'!"

I done it to cheer you up, like,
because the fireplace job
was knackered, and...

Apache Productions
will probably go doon the pan,
like all your other companies!

Michael...

that may wery very well be the case,

but I am happy!

Now, that may very wery well be
because I am on morphine! Morphine?

They should put an "M"
on your forehead! Why?!

They do that in battle, an "M", so
doctors know you've had morphine.
It's not so a helicopter can land
on your head?

No, it doesn't begin
with "M". I'd like that,
though!
A little helicopter landing
on your head, and its rotor blades
would cool you down like a h

and-fan.
You've definitely had morphine!
Do you want some Sugar Puffs? Aye.

Aww-w! I'm still thinking about the
helicopters. The little helicopters.

You're away with the helicopters!
Like the beginning of M*A*S*H.
THAT begins with "M"!