All language subtitles for Im.Alan.Partridge.S01E05.To.Kill.A.Mocking.Alan.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor

Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark
with some classic electro-rock
from Architecture And Morality -

two subjects we could discuss
all night.

..Indeed, the lines are open
if you want to make a comment on
either architecture or morality -

two equally hot
but differently shaped potatoes...

Chips and crinkle-cut chips.

So, give me a call, PLEASE!

Seriously, do give me a call.

It's 4.50am. The Queen is dead.
Long live The King's Singers.

Pop your elbow on there.
CLICK
See, you've locked the door.

We've had calls in the past hour
about a humorous comment I made.

Just to reassure you -
the Queen is NOT dead.

A humorous intro into a song which
was taken a bit TOO literally by
a few listeners...and a newspaper.

Just to repeat -
Queen Elizabeth II is NOT dead...

unless she went in the night and
is yet to be discovered by the maid.

Just coming up to seven o'clock.

Gadzooks! It's the noble
Sir David Clifton of Radio Shire.

Arise, Sir Alan of Partridge.

Shall we stop talking in this
medieval way? What's on your show?

Get dialling to cross
the Clifton Suspension Quiz.

The prize money has soared
to an incredible £11,000!

So just to remind you of the
rules...

The Sexy...

Yes! I didn't know you cared, Alan.

That was OAP - Old Alan Partridge.
I'm not old! I'm 43, you cheeky git.

And this is Blue Oyster Cult
from the album Agents Of Fortune.

# The chances of anything coming
from Mars are a million to one... #

Hello... # But still they come. #
Hello, Mr Partridge.

GEORDIE ACCENT: War Of The Worlds.
W-Wild woods?

War Of The Worlds.
I'm playing Guess The Tune. Right.

"3pm,
An Afternoon With Alan Partridge
with celebrity guest star Sue Cook."

Can you just put "Plus Sue Cook"?

You can't hear your Geordie accent
on the board. Make a sandwich board.

You could press onto your chest
what you're saying.

A primitive form
of Stephen Hawking's voice box.

The good thing about
Stephen Hawking is he IS clear.

It's you, isn't it?
You're Alan Partridge.

Yes, I am. I don't believe it!
I'm your biggest fan.

I'm coming to your afternoon.
Shake my hand.

What's it about, Alan? Basically,
it's a TV show that's not on TV.

Really? It's Kilroy, but with tea,
Wagon Wheels and Sue Cook. Great!

What a pleasure it is
to shake your hand. So I see.

Yeah!

You won't let go? No.

Can I have it back?
It's nice you let your fans meet
you.

Many don't. They forget we make them
what they are.

..I don't agree with that.
Some do. I don't.

Could I have your autograph? Yes.
What's your name? Jed Maxwell.

No relation to Robert Maxwell? No.

You're not going to go all fat
and steal my pension? ..No!

Just a joke.

This is so exciting... Actually...

ask me for it in front of some
important people. You've done it.

It just says "To Jed, from Alan".
It's like you know me!

OK... "To Jed Maxwell,
from Alan Smith." Who's he?

I'm expecting two TV executives
from RTE who are coming from Dublin.

We'll be there.
Can I shake your hand again? No.

I'd look important
if you asked for my autograph then
and shook my hand... Later!

Never you mind, Alan.
You can rely on me. Thank you.

It's Alan Partridge!
I can't believe it!

You haven't lost it, Alan.
I don't care what they say.

See you later.

Er, Susan...
Mm! Is that new perfume?

Yes, it is. It's nice. What is it?

My fiance got it...
I didn't ask who bought it.

It's Ralph Lauren.
Can I have a sniff? Yes!

Mm! Sorry, I shouldn't touch staff
unless I'm reprimanding them.

Then I'll put you across my knee
and smack your bottoms.

Oh, er, there was a call for you -
a Mr Nesshead. Never heard of him.

Did he leave a first name?

Er, no, it was just a Mr P Nesshead.

Sophie, that's a crank call.

It's a crank call.
Read it back to yourself.

Oh! I see what he's done now.

Shall I put it on the list
with the others? If you would.

Can I have a look at that list?

Mr G String,

Mr Nick Hurs, Mr Y Fronts...
Mr T Osser?

It doesn't even work!

Mr B Oddie? This is Bill Oddie.
He's not a crank call.

Why is it on there?
We thought it looked like "body".

What's rude about a body?

Uh, good morning, Sophie.
Morning, Ben. Did you sleep well?

Yeah. It was a good night last
night.

If you're professional and you know
you're working in the morning,
you'd have got your head down.

Oh, I got my head down all right.

I've had some pretty late-night
sessions myself.

In 1976,
I saw ELO at the Birmingham NEC.

I was there, shouting with everyone
else, "Come back on, ELO,
and carry on playing!"

Alan, your PA's arrived.
Oh, right. Lynn, let me take that.

Alan Partridge tie badges
and Wagon Wheels. Excellent. Here.

Can I take that for you?
Oh, how thoughtful.

I'll take it, I'll take it.

Wait till you hit 40.
..It's cutting into my fingers.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Em, could you smell my breath?

It smells a bit like gas.

Know what that is? No. The scotch
eggs we had at the petrol station
last night. What time was that?

About 10.45. Yeah, it's going
to be in the system till about four.

I'll buy a packet of mints. Great.

Alan! An urgent call for you.
..You go on up, Lynn.

Hello?

..Where are you?

..Aw, come on!

This is...
Oh, that's bang out of order!

..Oh, take a look in the mirror!

Wh...? Pardon? ..No, I've got a
better idea. Shove it up YOUR arse!

Sue Cook's pulled out.

Michael, change it to an afternoon
with just Alan Partridge.

OK, roger and out.
We're not on short-wave radio.

It's eye-catching. Not like the
Army, eh? They teach you camouflage.

I also done this course at
the Army School of Commando
Training.

In a building full of people,
you had to identify the hostages
and take oot the terrorists.

I've sort of employed it here, like.

I know exactly what you mean.
A couple of weeks ago, I was doing
a corporate for Allied Dunbar.

Some of us went on to Laser Quest.
It's scary there. Seconds count.

You know, quick on the draw,
quick on the draw.

If you're in a situation
with a concealed weapon,

when you draw your weapon...
I love this.

It's nae laughing matter.

When you draw your weapon,
make it as smooth as you can.

Draw, hold, fix and fire. And just
move and fire, move and fire!

And move and fire!
Get back in the lift, Lynn!

Michael! What are you doing?!
Sorry.

Do you want us to take out
Sue Cook for you? God, no!

..Oh. I see. Just remove her name.

I'm very grateful you've come over.
I'm big fans of all the Irish stuff.

I love your pop music.

Enya, the other one...
Ripped up the Pope. Bald chap.

And I think that's it.

There's U2, of course.

Sunday Bloody Sunday encapsulates
the frustration of a Sunday.

You wake up, you've got to read
all the Sunday papers,

you've got to mow the lawn
and you think,

"Sunday, bloody Sunday!"

I hate to do this to you, Alan,
but it's actually a song about...

Bloody Sunday is about a massacre
in Derry in 1972.

Massacre? I'll not play that again.

This is really a horrible hotel.
Who stays in a place like this?
Terrible.

It's so sterile. Yes, it is.

It's as if the staff's smiles are...

..Painted on.
Yeah, it's very false, isn't it?

This hotel is in a great situation.

It's equidistant between London
and Norwich. That's its genius...

But I hate it and don't live here.
I pop in for breakfast.

Hello, Alan.
..Which is why she knows my name.

Hello, Susan. ..The name tag there.

Four full British Isles breakfasts,
please. Certainly.

You robot!

I wouldn't be surprised if she went
into the kitchen, opened her chest
up and turned the smile up.

Nice chest, but full of wires.

HE SIGHS
Do you smell gas?

Do you want a mint?

The food will probably...
Break it down. Yes. I'll get some
ruby grapefruit juice. That'll help.

Where are you from in Ireland?
Aidan is from Celbridge
and I'm from West Cork.

Oh, whereabouts? Skibbereen.

Skibbereen! Oh, I used to go there
as a little child!

I used to go on nature trails
and Mummy used to... There we go!

Ruby grapefruit juice. I thought
I'd take the whole jug in case
it's quaffed by R2-D2 over there.

Tea? Coffee?
MIMICS ROBOT:
Tea or coffee! Four teas, please.

Ever been to Ireland?
No, I'd love to go.

People say that.
It's only £49 on a plane.
I think that's what puts me off.

Let's get down to business.
Your programme...

IRISH ACCENT: What's the big idea?

Well, the BIG IDEA
is we want to produce a show

that appeals to modern audiences
on both sides of the Irish Sea...

Oooh! Scary Irish men!

D'you wanna recruit me?
I like your berets.

They're worn by Saddam Hussein...

and Frank Spencer...

and the French.

..Celebrate the culture
of both countries.

Yeah, I think the Irish are going
through a major image change.

The old image of leprechauns,
shamrock, Guinness...

Yeah. Horses running through council
estates...toothless simpletons...

People with eyebrows
on their cheeks,

badly tarmacked drives in THIS
country, men in platform shoes,
being arrested for bombings...

lots of rocks and Beamish.
I think people are saying...

"There's more to Ireland
than this."

Good slogan!
IRISH ACCENT:
Der's more to Ireland dan dis.

There we go. Oh, thanks very much...

you blonde bastard...
from the future.

This looks disgusting.
Still, might as well eat it.

So, er, how many people
were killed in the Irish famine?

Um, two million, and another
two million had to leave the
country.

If it was just the potatoes
that were affected, you will pay
the price if you're a fussy eater.

If they could afford to emigrate,
then they could afford to eat out.

Could we come live
from the Blarney Stone?

Alan, you're moving towards an area
we want to move away from. Yeah.

Live TV can blow up in your face.
..Sorry. You must be sick of that.

Of what? Being blown up, bombs.

No. We're from Dublin.
That's where you make them.

You've come all this way. It seems
to me you're being a bit negative.

No, I was interested in something.
Lynn, what you said about
Skibbereen.

That was interesting!
We could do something.

Did you have any friends there?

Mr Partridge, can I have your
autograph? Yes! What's your name?

Jed Maxwell. To Jed Maxwell...
from Alan Partridge.

Thank you.

It's interesting...
BREATHES HEAVILY

Um, listen...

I think
if you stick around for
The Afternoon with Alan Partridge,

then afterwards, you can
talk to Lynn AND me about Lynn.

ORGAN PLAYS TINNY RENDITION OF:
"Knowing Me, Knowing You"

MUSIC STOPS
A-ha!

MUSIC STARTS THEN STOPS

Good afternoon...
MUSIC STARTS

MORRIS DANCING-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

DRUM MACHINE TAKES OVER

DRUM MACHINE PLAYS FASTER

DRUM MACHINE OFF

Sorry about that.

Gremlins in the system.
Ghosts in the machine.

Perhaps a metaphor for, er...

Good evening...afternoon.

I might as well say this now -
Sue Cook has pulled out.

ALL: Aw!

So if anyone wants to leave,
then now's the time.

Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

Yes? Has your career
gone off the rails a bit?

Er, not you. The woman behind you.
Do you favour the death penalty?

Yes, I do...for treason and murder.

Say pedestrianisation of Norwich
city centre to anyone and they'll
probably look blankly at you.

..Hello?

Why do people do that?

Both clever men,
but I don't trust 'em.

Gerry Adams looks like
a headmaster. Martin McGuinness
looks like a clown without make-up.

Let's recap. We draw the gun from
the holster, knock the safety catch,
off, move and fire, move and fire.

The terrorist is disoriented
from the stun grenades.

The double tap - bang, bang.

We neutralise the threat
by incapacitating the target
in two areas -

the chest area, and anywhere
where major organs are kept.

Get it there, he's going down.
A head shot? He's going down.

Time for one more question.
Lady at the back.

Yes, Alan, I wondered if you had any
Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge
combination packs.

Yes, I do. I've got one here.
They're available at reception,

priced 19.99 - £20...

That is just, er, price rhetoric.

Some of the boxes are a bit faded,
but I was made promises
about storage that were not kept.

That's all from me.
Thank you. Goodbye.

Sorry, gotta go.

There you are! What do you think?

I wouldn't be depressed. I'm not!

When you berated that old woman.
The look on her face was classic!
She was frightened. I know.

We could go and chat
about my other ideas in my room.

Your room? In my house.
Where's your house?

Just down the road. ..Our house.
Y-Yeah.

Do you remember that man who asked
for my autograph earlier?

No.
Good.

This is Jed. He's my driver.

Hello, Jed.
How do you do?
..And business partner. Yeah.

We live together. We're not gay!

Nothing against them. It's just, as
I see it, God created Adam and Eve.
He didn't create Adam and Steve.

I'm kind of a homosceptic.

Right, whatever. I'd like to go.
Yes. Let's go!

Have you seen the film
The Crying Game?

Yes, I've seen it.

The, er...

the woman with the, er...old tadger.

I suppose the sequel
will have a man with, er...

a fanny!

This is my house...

where I live...
Nice and out of the way.

..with Jed.

After you. A bowl of bread there.
What's that for?

Just, er...just friends.

I'll put the kettle on!

Right. Em...

Shall we go into the...?

Yes, the lounge!

Grab a pew.

There's only one chair.

The other one burnt down.

If Jed and I are both in the room
at the same time, I tend to do this.

Perched on the arm.
Good one. I've tried that one.

Very nice picture of yourself(!)

I leave this here
so I'm always on the telly!

Who's the other one?

This is...David Copperfield.

He's the American magician.

DEEP-VOICED: I'm an American!

Yes, he claims to have made
the Statue of Liberty disappear.

But it's still there.
Talking out of his arse!

Is that an original? ..I don't know
why I bought this painting.

..It's got a very haunting quality.

Man and machine...

I look at this in the morning and
think,"Oooh, I'd like to kiss her."

Actually, do you mind if I use your
toilet? By all means. Where is it?

Em, I'll show you.

This is the lobby. I like to read
the Sunday papers in here. And...

I can never find
the light switch in here.

Oh, my God!

I am such a bighead!

Two things...
One, presumably you think I'm a bit
odd and you'd like to leave now.

Yeah... Yes. And two...

can I come with you? No.

Tea's up! Sorry, we've only got one
mug. We don't get a lot of visitors.

You're the biggest, so you have the
mug. You're to have this milk jug.
It's like a mug, but with a spout.

I'll have the jar. There, Alan.

That's a ball thing for a washing
machine. That's right! An Arielator.

Cheers!

Yeah, uh...I often think
I should swallow this whole,

and let it slosh round my system,
dispensing the coffee.

It would be difficult to swallow...

Where are they?
D'you think my room scared them?

They might have found it
a bit creepy.

It must be odd being in a room
surrounded by photos of yourself.

It is a bit, yeah! I like David
Copperfield, but not as much as you.

I can see that. He's losing
the battle for wall space.

Did you take these
on a telephoto lens? Yeah!

Are you a crank caller? Yeah!
Thought so.

I'm just a fan, Alan, that's all.
Your biggest fan. Yeah... Look.

..Glory be!

It took 14 hours!

I fainted three times!

Jed, I-I'll level with you.
I'm really scared.

Um...in fact, I'll go. No-o!

It's OK... STAY!
All right! I'll stay!

W-What d'you want to do?

Let's do an interview. I think
that's a great idea. Do you really?

It's the best idea in the world.

Great!
Well, you can be David Copperfield.

And I'll be Alan Partridge!
A-ha-a-a-a!

Come back!

Not my face! I'm doing
a photo shoot for Vision Xpress!

I'll give you a Chinese burn!

Ah! Ye bastard!

I can't breathe!

I can't breathe! I just want to be
your friend. I'll be your friend.

Great! Will you come and see
my brother-in-law? I'd love to.

I bet you can't guess where he
lives. Um... Guess.

Nottingham? No.

Chasta... Where?

Ches...Chester!
Near North Wales, off the M56.

No, Leeds! Oh, Leeds.

Can you smell gas?

I think that's my breath.

I ate a scotch egg.

I thought it would have broken down
by now.

I think I'm slightly constipated.

Surprising, really,
considering the circumstances.

Sorry, Alan. Are you all right?

Yeah. So we're friends, then? BEST
friends. Oh! In the whole world?

Pretty much, yeah.

Thank you. Well, now you know
where I live, don't be a stranger.

Oh...d...no. I won't be one. Good!

There'll always be a kettle on here.

Great!

See you next week, then?
We'll have that pint.

Go and see my brother. No way, you
big spastic! You're a mentalist!

Come back! I'll rip your head off!

Come back!

I-It's a dead end!

Where's the road?! There's a road!

BLEEP!

He's a mentalist!

Help me, someone!