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1
00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:06,800
One of the biggest stadium bands
in the world - REO Speedwagon.
2
00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:12,320
The time, for those who like it
slightly whacky, is 50 to 6,
3
00:00:12,320 --> 00:00:15,400
or, taking it further, 70 past 4,
4
00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:18,400
or even, er...
5
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:23,440
This programme contains some strong
language.
6
00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:30,800
Bear with me.
7
00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:35,320
1,230 to 12. I'm joking, of course!
8
00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:38,280
The time is 10 past 5.
9
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:42,080
Let's say hello to
my new comedy character Camp David.
10
00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:46,480
Hello, Camp David.
MINCINGLY: Well, hello, Alan.
11
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:49,600
What did you have for breakfast?
12
00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:52,600
Oooh, mince. Mmm!
13
00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:54,800
Yes, indeed.
14
00:00:54,800 --> 00:01:00,280
More from Camp David tomorrow. The
time is... Let's not get into that.
15
00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:06,920
Simply time to say,
"Ruddy hell! It's Soft Cell!"
MUSIC: "Tainted Love"
16
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:17,400
Well, they're scumbags,
aren't they?
17
00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:21,400
BADLY OUT OF TUNE:
# ..Out on a winding, windy moor
18
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,920
# We'd roll and fall in green
19
00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:30,560
# You had a temper like my jealousy
Too hot, too greedy...
20
00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:34,080
# How could you leave me
When I NEEDED you
21
00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:36,880
# Possessed you, I hated you
22
00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:38,960
# I loved you too...
23
00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:42,080
# Bad dreams in the night
24
00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:45,880
# You told me... #
Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
25
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:54,200
Extraordinary. To look at you,
you'd think you sing like an angel,
but you sound like a trapped boy.
26
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,960
What a lovely smile.
27
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:04,800
You could've been throwing up all
night, yet it wouldn't show. Maybe
that's how you keep your figure.
28
00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:11,960
Tell me anything with that smile
and it'd seem like Christmas.
29
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:18,520
Well, we are having some major
repairs done to the lobby, so this
is out of bounds for the weekend.
30
00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:22,160
We decided to go ahead
as you were the only guest.
31
00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:25,600
# Ding-dong merrily on high
In heav'n, the bells are ringing
32
00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:30,320
# Ding-dong... #
Don't sing, Susan! It sounds bad.
33
00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:33,760
Stick to your smile. It's lovely.
34
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:39,800
You could work on the Titanic.
You could say, "Terribly sorry,
we're out of life jackets."
35
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:46,800
People wouldn't mind. They'd say,
"Thank you. I'll take my chances.
Can I get a coffee?
36
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:52,920
"Presumably the buffet's
a free-for-all? Does the
women-and-children-first rule...?"
37
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:58,400
Why don't you talk to someone else?
I don't mind that - with the smile.
38
00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:02,680
You'd be a good Judas.
Betray me and then kiss me.
39
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:08,200
All right. I mean, I just don't want
to kiss - I want to go the whole
way.
40
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,480
If you want me, I'm round the back.
41
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:19,360
Four words?
42
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,720
Grrr!
43
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:24,760
Hawk?
Albatross? Bat?
44
00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:29,920
The Eagle Has Landed. Yes. Michael,
can I have a drink? Aye, sure.
45
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:35,000
What would you like? Mineral water.
Aye, still or fizzy?
46
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,400
Half and half.
47
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,840
We'll soon see.
48
00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:43,240
Right, another.
49
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:45,840
First word - the.
50
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,560
Second word... Sleeping?
51
00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:53,960
The Day Of The Jackal.
The Day Of The Jackal. Right.
52
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,080
Three words.
53
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,240
Wash...
54
00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:00,160
my...
55
00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:03,720
car. Wash my car...!
Sorry, Mr Partridge.
56
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:07,240
On my way.
I've got to go and wash his car.
57
00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:12,960
Everything all right, Mr Partridge?
Yeah...yeah.
58
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:17,400
What's round the back? Two
traffic cones and an old mattress.
59
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,160
Oh, right...
60
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:23,560
Would you like
to book Christmas dinner? It's May!
61
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:29,160
If I'm still here in seven months,
I'll be a rather sorry individual.
62
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:34,520
Why don't I book it now
and you can always cancel later?
63
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:35,960
Yeah. Fine.
64
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:45,520
Why don't you come round the back?
Round the back?
Yeah.
65
00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:48,160
15 minutes.
15 minutes.
66
00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:53,320
Er, Ben, could I have a sandwich,
please? Yeah, sure.
67
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,640
A cheese sandwich. Sure.
68
00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:59,120
And cooked meat...and a hot egg.
69
00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:06,360
And a crescent of crisps, please.
And a side clump of cress. Right.
70
00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:12,120
And you want that now? Nah...
Any time within the next 15 minutes.
71
00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:19,360
# ..Oh, it gets dark
It gets lonely... #
72
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:27,600
PANPIPES
'Welcome to tape 2
of Let Go With Alan Partridge,
73
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:34,840
'a sequence of easy exercises
to relieve stress, enhanced by
the tropical music of the panpipes.
74
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:40,120
'First find a quiet place
to recline - a bed or a big chair.
75
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:47,560
'I want you to imagine you're lying
on a beach, divested of all
the trappings of the 20th century.
76
00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:53,040
'No mobile phone,
batteries out of your pager...
77
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:55,920
'Undergarments made from bark.
78
00:05:55,920 --> 00:06:01,600
'You're all alone, the waves
gently licking at your feet,
79
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:05,720
'your bark trunks
soaking up the water like a sponge.
80
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:13,400
'Your head loosens from your torso
and bobs away. Remember
the breathing techniques on tape 1.
81
00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:20,080
'Please relax. We all experience
stress, whether you're
a heart surgeon making incisions,
82
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:27,080
'or just Dave Bloggs queueing
for a rail ticket behind a man
who's buying a travel pass,
83
00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:33,400
'which involves photographs,
scissors, forms -
and his Access won't wipe.
84
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:37,280
'Stress like this won't go away
and has to be combatted...'
85
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:39,520
Sod off!
86
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:48,280
Idea for a programme
entitled Yachting Mishaps.
87
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:50,600
Some funny, some tragic.
88
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:57,080
Presented by that man
who was trapped upside down
in his hull eating chocolate.
89
00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:23,760
Idea for a programme
called Free Spirits.
90
00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:27,640
No, change that to Bad Attitude.
91
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:40,560
Hello?
92
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:44,640
Oh, hello. I'd like to speak
to Fernando Partridge, please.
93
00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:47,960
It's his father. It's his father.
94
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,280
Hello.
95
00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:55,880
Who's she? Is she
your latest...er...? Oh, right.
96
00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:59,920
You both sound exhausted.
Have you been running?
97
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:06,000
Well, I was just wondering
if you wanted to go for a drink?
98
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:12,760
You're 22 years old
and you're spending your Saturday
afternoon in bed with a girl.
99
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:15,000
You're wasting your life.
100
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:23,120
It's a beautiful day.
Take her out to a local fort
or a Victorian folly.
101
00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:29,360
Yes, of course. Your mum and I,
believe me, we did it everywhere.
102
00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:33,280
You know, in the lounge,
in the hall,
103
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:37,480
behind a large boulder on Helvellyn
for my birthday.
104
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:40,840
Actually,
that's where you were conceived.
105
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:44,320
We just didn't take precautions.
106
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,920
No, no, we were delighted.
107
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:50,240
At first, I was mortified.
108
00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:54,640
Then you were born
and we grew to like you.
109
00:08:56,520 --> 00:09:00,040
I remember
I left a tartan flask up there.
110
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:05,240
One of those very fragile ones
with a screw-on cup/cap.
111
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,800
These days, they're more resilient.
112
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:12,520
They took the technology from NASA
which is extraordinary.
113
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:17,600
Modern flasks are directly linked
with the Apollo XI space mission.
114
00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:21,440
Hello?
115
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:23,440
Sod him!
116
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,840
Hello, is that Curry's?
117
00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:38,120
I'd like to make an enquiry
about two supplementary
auxiliary speakers
118
00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:45,040
to go with my midi hi-fi system,
apropos achieving surround sound.
119
00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,040
Apropos.
120
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,640
It's Latin.
121
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:58,800
You ought to have a basic grasp of
Latin if you're working in Curry's.
122
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:05,360
You've got them? Excellent. Good.
One last thing.
What time do you knock off?
123
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:11,040
Oh. Fancy going for a drink?
Well, OK, just thought I'd ask.
124
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:16,480
Hello?
125
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,000
Just going for a walk...
126
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:26,160
..to the petrol station...
127
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:32,080
..to get
some windscreen-washer fluid.
128
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:35,920
Anyone, er...
anyone want to join me?
129
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:38,640
Right.
130
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,720
Breath of fresh air!
131
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,920
# Goldfinger...
132
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:52,800
# He's the man
133
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,400
# The man with the Midas touch
134
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,680
# A spider's touch
135
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,720
# Such a cold finger... #
136
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:05,560
Hands up! Give me all your petrol.
137
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:09,880
Pardon? Just a joke. Have you
got any windscreen-washer fluid?
138
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:13,640
Yeah. I'll have 12 bottles, please.
OK.
139
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:18,760
That's a nice array of pasties
you've got today. Thank you.
140
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:23,280
I don't want one. I'm just making
small talk. £31.20, please.
141
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:27,320
Fancy a pint later on? No, thanks.
No, neither do I.
142
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:36,360
# ..Such a cold finger
143
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:41,560
# Pretty girl,
beware of his web of sin
144
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:43,800
# But don't go in
145
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:51,080
# And a golden girl
knows when he's kissed her
146
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:55,480
# It's the kiss of death
from Mister...
147
00:11:55,480 --> 00:12:00,200
# Goldfinger
Toodle-too-oo... #
148
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:04,280
Er, hello, Susan.
Er, slight problem.
149
00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:09,840
I was a bit bored, so I dismantled
my Corby trouser press.
150
00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:17,000
I, er...
I can't put it back together again.
151
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,400
Will that show up on my bill?
152
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,840
Right. Thanks.
153
00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:53,760
Hello, Lynn.
154
00:12:53,760 --> 00:13:00,560
Message from Alan. Idea
for a television programme based
on Michael Palin's Pole To Pole,
155
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:07,720
except I circumnavigate the globe
only driving through countries
where they drive on the left.
156
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:11,200
I do it
in a lovely old bull-nosed Morris.
157
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:17,040
Around The World
With Alan Partridge
In A Bull Nose On The Left.
158
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:25,040
I'm sorry, Lynn. I think
that is possibly the worst idea
I have ever had.
159
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,240
I don't know...
160
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,640
I'm going nowhere, Lynn.
161
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:33,600
Quite literally - I'm on
the ring road. Third time round.
162
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:38,200
Just been into B&Q
for a bag of tungsten-tipped screws.
163
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,000
Never gonna use them.
164
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,960
Never gonna use them.
165
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:46,000
Meet me in half an hour.
166
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:53,800
Sorry I'm a bit late. I got caught
in a taxi that broke down.
Couple of miles back. I had to walk.
167
00:13:56,480 --> 00:14:00,800
Was that a lie? No. I'm very hot.
168
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:05,200
You know
these are inertia-reel seat belts?
169
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:12,160
They were developed
in the late '60s, early '70s,
to let you lean forward for things.
170
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:16,680
But in a crash it does stop you,
because...
171
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:20,240
impact...bang...lock! Aargh!
172
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:23,280
You get bruises... Right.
173
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:27,240
I'd love to feel an air bag go off
in my face.
174
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,840
Aargh! Boosh! Boosh!
175
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:33,040
Feel the cushion effect on the face.
176
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:37,960
Ah... I'll be honest, Lynn -
I'm at a loose end today.
177
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,360
That's why I'm... Right.
178
00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:43,800
That's why I'm, er, talking...
179
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,640
Talking... Would you...?
180
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,720
Ta...that's why I'm talking.
181
00:14:56,640 --> 00:15:00,560
Aaah! Could you cool me down
with the hand fan?
182
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:07,800
Did you hear about Damon Hill...?
183
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:10,080
Lynn, be careful!
184
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,880
I didn't realise... Take my lip off.
185
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:18,600
Hello, Lynn. Come and join us.
Gin rummy.
186
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,960
THEY ALL CHATTER HAPPILY
187
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:27,200
Lynn, I'll just go up to my room.
I've got a bit of work to do.
188
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:39,200
I normally have files in here,
but I've got some in the room.
189
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:42,960
It's got the straps option, yeah?
190
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:48,720
Show Lynn.
Yeah, yeah. Do it, do it.
191
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:52,160
AS ALAN:
"Morning, Susan! A-haaaaa!"
192
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,160
That's it!
193
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:01,320
Watch it!
194
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:10,040
KNOCKING
Come in.
195
00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:15,080
Would you like a mint? No.
196
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:17,560
Y-Yes.
197
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:22,840
I don't think you should have one,
considering what's happened. Fine.
198
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:30,880
Good job you weren't here
five minutes ago. Listen to this.
199
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:35,440
'Sack Lynn
for being unloyal...disloyal,
200
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:41,840
'and for joining in fun in a way
which excludes her employer.
201
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:48,880
'Right. And sack her for being
an absolute idiot and inefficient.
202
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:51,640
'Lynn, call Bill Oddie...'
203
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,200
That's something else.
204
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:57,680
It fell through.
I've calmed down now.
205
00:16:57,680 --> 00:17:02,920
Why don't you come down and play?
Play? They were impersonating me.
206
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:07,400
They were impersonating everyone.
Even me. It was savage.
207
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:14,320
Really savage? Like, "Ooh, shall I
sit there? Ooh, shall I sit there?
Ooh, I'm like a little mouse."
208
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:17,000
No. It was a little bit like this.
209
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:24,160
"Sorry, Mother. I can't get you out
of the bath. I've got to pop down
and sort out Alan's problems."
210
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:27,320
Very good.
211
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,080
Thank you.
212
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:38,480
Tell them I'll join in, and to show
I'm not a stick-in-the-mud, I'm
preparing a little joke for them.
213
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:46,680
Aargh! Eek! Eeeeek!
214
00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:49,760
I'm a zombie. I'm dressed up.
215
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,960
I'm Alan Partridge.
216
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:58,080
Out, please, Mr Partridge. Guests
are not allowed behind Reception.
All right, all right.
217
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:01,040
It was just a joke. It backfired.
218
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:05,240
Is that blood?
It's tomato ketchup. I...
219
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:09,800
Why are you wearing
a shower curtain? I'm a zombie!
220
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:15,160
It's a flap of skin or something.
Did you pull that off a shower?
221
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:19,200
I checked it could be re-attached.
Nothing has been damaged.
222
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:24,360
Why have you got
biscuits taped to your face?
223
00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:29,160
They're complimentary.
They're flaky skin. I'm a zombie.
224
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:35,320
What's that between your legs?
The kettle flex.
It's meant to be a tail.
225
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:40,080
Zombies don't have tails.
All right - it's inconsistent.
226
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:44,920
Zombies are inconsistent. They're
a mishmash of different bits.
227
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:48,520
That's Frankenstein.
Right, two glaring errors.
228
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:53,360
What's that on your fingers?
Tungsten-tipped screws for claws.
229
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:57,800
Error 1... Actually, they're quite
good for making a point.
230
00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:03,080
Frankenstein is the name
of the creator, not the monster.
231
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:08,600
Error 2 - Frankenstein IS a zombie,
he's a type of zombie.
232
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:13,640
Like when people say Tannoy instead
of PA system. Tannoy's a brand name.
233
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:20,760
Why are you staring? I'm not having
a go at anyone except the undead.
234
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:24,360
You see any upset zombies?
235
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:27,120
This country!
236
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:40,200
So depressing, isn't it?
Have you ever thought
suicide might be the answer?
237
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:43,040
Sometimes, aye. Really? When?
238
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:47,640
When I've seen you looking
all depressed an' that. Not me! You.
239
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:52,840
Have you ever considered suicide?
No! That's the coward's way out.
240
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,600
You must've got up to a few pranks.
241
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:59,080
Aye, aye. One time,
I was stationed out in Belize.
242
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:05,840
I had this little pet macaque
monkey. One day, I came back
and it had eaten all me fags.
243
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,760
So I threw it in the sea.
244
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,800
You threw a monkey in the sea?
245
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:19,600
Well, he'd eaten all my fags.
A big packet of 200 duty-frees.
246
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:27,600
You threw a monkey in the sea.
That's awful. I was fishing for a
funny story. That's just upsetting.
247
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:33,320
I just got the red mist in front
of my eyes and hurled it in the sea.
248
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,840
Stop saying it.
249
00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:39,880
All I can see is a monkey
spinning towards the water.
250
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:46,160
It didn't go straight in.
It bounced off a rock. Michael!
That's such a pointless death.
251
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:52,440
At least when they experiment on
them, they get something out of it.
Nice perfume or something.
252
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:57,880
I've often wondered - why do they
put perfume in the monkey's eyes?
253
00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:02,960
Why not put it on its wrists, like
posh ladies? Just cruel, isn't it?
254
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:10,080
Mind you, if you've been to
the safari park and they're pulling
your wipers off, you lose sympathy.
255
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:18,960
Maybe the monkeys are trying to
collect enough parts to make a car.
They'll all pile in and escape.
256
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,280
It's a frightening thought. Aye.
257
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:28,160
Is this making you feel any better?
Not really, no.
258
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:32,520
You know, you've done
some crazy things in your life. Aye.
259
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:35,200
I wish I'd been more spontaneous.
260
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:42,200
Sometimes I want to go and steal a
traffic cone and put it on my head
and say, "Look, I'm a giant witch!"
261
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:45,040
Just do it, then! Steal a cone.
262
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:50,680
I can't. It's outrageous. I'll come
too. We'll be like Thelma and
Louise.
263
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:57,800
Steal a traffic cone and go off
somewhere. I don't want to go off
somewhere, just wave it round a bit.
264
00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:01,120
I can hold it up like a Tannoy...
265
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:07,160
Speaker system.
Aye. I could hold it and shout,
"Stop telling me what to do!"
266
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:14,080
Yeah...yeah... No, it's a good idea.
I could get Lynn to drive us there.
She's got full insurance.
267
00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:18,880
She's a named driver. Let's go!
Away the lads! Come on!
268
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:23,680
We're questioning one bloke and
the other seems to have disappeared.
269
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:27,000
There's a woman in the car. Out.
270
00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:31,320
So, let's get this straight.
271
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:35,240
Your wife was driving... Yes.
You felt a bit sick.
272
00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:43,280
So you asked her to pull over
so you can get a traffic cone
to be sick into?
273
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:44,840
Yes.
274
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:52,040
Why? I didn't want to be sick
on the road. Cars would skid on it.
275
00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:56,880
Where did the other fellow go?
He ran off. He got scared.
276
00:22:56,880 --> 00:23:00,720
He was in the army,
saw people being blown up...
277
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:05,160
You know what I think?
You've got a very vivid imagination.
278
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:11,880
I wasn't trying to steal a cone.
I didn't say that. Why
are you saying "steal"? Because...
279
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:18,320
To an innocent bystander,
it may look like traffic-cone theft.
280
00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:25,160
I'm an innocent bystander
and it looks like that to me.
But it's not? But it's not.
281
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:28,600
What's your name?
282
00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:30,400
Bill.
283
00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:34,760
Bill...?
284
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:36,440
Bill Carr...
285
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,720
Bill Carr.
286
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:43,200
Where do you live, Bill?
What's your address?
287
00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:45,160
King Road...
288
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,960
King Road...
289
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:53,480
Is there a number?
10...King Road in Ipswich.
290
00:23:53,480 --> 00:24:00,760
Where are you going now?
I'm going to go home and just
probably go straight to bed,
291
00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:03,440
and just keep out of trouble. Good.
292
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:09,480
We'll let this go, but I don't want
to see you here again. All right?
293
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,360
OK. Thank you.
294
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:14,880
Right, go. Just drive away normally.
295
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:21,920
Stop panicking.
296
00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:26,080
Start the engine.
CAR ALARM GOES OFF
297
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:30,480
Lean back.
298
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:34,440
Hold still.
299
00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:40,680
ENGINE STARTS
I was technically in charge
of a motor vehicle - drink driving!
300
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:55,160
DISCO MUSIC
301
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:02,920
Would you like me to lap dance
for you?
302
00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:07,680
My peep-hole Pringle
is modelled on an SAS Balaclava.
303
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:10,120
Sweet feet!
304
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:20,160
Do you like my cones?
They're little ones. I got them
from a cycling test centre.
305
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:26,120
I've got a clean licence.
Yours is dirty!
306
00:25:26,120 --> 00:25:28,840
You've got six points...
307
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:31,280
I've got two...
308
00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:33,080
points.
309
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:41,440
Oh, dear. Tonight, I was close -
that close - to being infamous.
310
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:45,640
I don't want to be infamous -
I want to be famous.
311
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:47,640
Famous.
312
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:51,680
It's like the Rudyard Kipling poem
If - d'you know that?
313
00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:55,480
If you do X, Y and Z,
Bob's your uncle.
314
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:59,480
D'you want a lift to the cab rank?
Yes, thank you.
315
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:03,360
Mind you,
it's only a 15-minute walk. Yes.
316
00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:07,360
Be careful - there's no lights
on the dual carriageway.
317
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:11,000
Ah, there you are!
318
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:16,320
Hiya. Bit of a close shave. Aye,
it was. You disappeared sharpish.
319
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:23,880
Aye, a scalded cat. Can I have
a couple of eggs for breakfast? Aye.
And you lay them, you chicken!
320
00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:31,800
Oh, hello, Alan. Hello, Susan.
Third floor? Yes, thank you.
321
00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:35,920
PING!
322
00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:48,920
PING!
323
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:55,000
Right, well... Are you getting out
here or going all the way with me?
324
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:57,680
I'm getting out here.
325
00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:00,120
All right. Good night, Alan.
326
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:08,040
This country!
327
00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:13,600
The Police with Do Do Do, Da Da Da,
their gibberish classic,
328
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:19,080
and my tribute to Her Majesty's
Police. Now here's Dave Clifton.
329
00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:24,000
Good morning. There goes Alan
Partridge, "cone" but not forgotten!
330
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:28,560
You off to see a film -
like "Cone-an" The Barbarian?
331
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,040
Good one. Then watch a bit of TV?
332
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:36,480
Like "Cone" Dancing? Not so good.
Alan, what's the matter with you?
333
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:39,000
"Cone" you take a joke? Oh, fuck
off.
334
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:44,480
Actually...I am speechless.
335
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:49,720
I am actually speechless. You don't
sound it. I wish you were. I am.
336
00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:54,240
I really don't know what to say...
Try saying nothing.
337
00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:57,720
We both know that dead air
is a crime.
338
00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:01,760
It's terrible that you fill it
with swearing on your show.
339
00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:07,920
It's one minute past seven.
It's your show.
You're responsible for the output.
340
00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:13,320
I am technically a guest
and you failed to control me.
341
00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:18,760
From Go West... Fannies!
..This is Call Me.
342
00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:36,320
SIREN
343
00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:54,880
Aw!
29289
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