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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: [INFORMATION] [TITLE] [AUTHOR] [SOURCE]Subtitles captured by SubRip 1.14 [PRG] [FILEPATH] [DELAY]0 [CD TRACK]0 [COMMENT] [END INFORMATION] [SUBTITLE] [COLF]&HFFFFFF,[STYLE]bd,[SIZE]18,[FONT]Arial 00:00:00.00,00:00:00.10 00:01:37.49,00:01:40.43 [Applause] 00:01:46.03,00:01:48.30 [Clears Throat] 00:01:48.37,00:01:52.31 Three and a half years ago,[br]my husband and I split up. 00:01:52.37,00:01:54.64 And it was an amicable breakup. 00:01:54.71,00:01:58.30 In fact, we used to joke[br]that it was a divorce made in heaven. 00:01:58.38,00:02:02.32 Of course it was sad,[br]but there was one thing[br]I really looked forward to... 00:02:02.38,00:02:05.22 and that was, I got to live alone again. 00:02:05.29,00:02:08.22 And I bought myself[br]this little bungalow in Hollywood... 00:02:08.29,00:02:10.72 and I made it my symbol of independence. 00:02:10.79,00:02:13.32 Well, I set about decorating it... 00:02:13.39,00:02:17.42 and I wanted to make sure[br]that it was really girly[br]and strongly feminine. 00:02:17.50,00:02:21.60 And I wanted it to say[br]to anyone who walked in... 00:02:21.67,00:02:25.37 "A woman lives here alone[br]and happy about it." 00:02:25.44,00:02:27.37 [Laughter] 00:02:27.44,00:02:31.71 Now, for the first year[br]that I had this house, I was[br]still living in New York City. 00:02:31.78,00:02:36.11 So I would scrimp and save[br]and send my money back home[br]so that I could decorate it. 00:02:36.18,00:02:38.12 And it was during this year... 00:02:38.19,00:02:42.52 that I developed this elaborate fantasy[br]for my Shangri-la. 00:02:42.59,00:02:46.22 - [Piano][br]- I believed that I'd spend[br]a lot of time alone there... 00:02:46.29,00:02:50.06 and probably give a lot[br]of little petite soirees... 00:02:50.13,00:02:53.12 and fabulous gourmet dinner parties. 00:02:53.20,00:02:56.14 Maybe someone would drink[br]a little bit too much... 00:02:56.20,00:02:58.83 and I would insist[br]that they spend the night[br]in the guest room... 00:02:58.91,00:03:01.97 which is just big enough[br]for someone to spend the night in... 00:03:02.04,00:03:05.07 after a rousing evening of conversation... 00:03:05.15,00:03:09.31 about, oh, the latest Coen brothers movie... 00:03:09.38,00:03:14.75 or the problems in Bosnia[br]with that horrible Slobodan Milosevic... 00:03:14.82,00:03:16.92 and a fun game we could all play... 00:03:16.99,00:03:20.36 where we all name[br]all the justices on the Supreme Court. 00:03:20.43,00:03:22.36 And isn't this dessert fabulous? 00:03:22.43,00:03:24.90 And aren't blueberries,[br]even out of season? 00:03:24.97,00:03:26.90 [Audience Laughing] 00:03:26.97,00:03:29.40 I figured I'd spend[br]the long afternoons there... 00:03:29.47,00:03:31.63 listening to Tchaikovsky... 00:03:31.71,00:03:33.97 and writing all of those[br]great screenplays... 00:03:34.04,00:03:36.98 that are just in my head right now. 00:03:37.05,00:03:39.45 And I would never marry again. 00:03:39.51,00:03:43.11 And I would live[br]in this house alone for the next 60 years. 00:03:43.18,00:03:46.75 Well, me and my three cats,[br]Gus, Rita and Frank. 00:03:46.82,00:03:49.81 And after several years,[br]my neighbors would look down the street... 00:03:49.89,00:03:54.39 and they would say[br]to their friends, "There lives Julia Sweeney. 00:03:54.46,00:03:58.56 "You know, she never married[br]after a brief early liaison. 00:03:58.63,00:04:00.62 "But we've never known anyone... 00:04:00.70,00:04:06.50 "who was happier[br]and more full of life than thatJulia Sweeney. 00:04:06.57,00:04:09.91 - How we envy her existence."[br]- [Ends] 00:04:10.28,00:04:14.54 Well, that's when God just said, "Ha!" 00:04:14.62,00:04:18.14 About a month after[br]I moved back from New York... 00:04:18.22,00:04:22.38 and I had ensconced myself[br]safely in my new perfect little abode... 00:04:22.46,00:04:25.52 my brother Michael,[br]who had also moved to Los Angeles... 00:04:25.59,00:04:28.03 was diagnosed with lymph cancer. 00:04:28.10,00:04:30.96 Mike hadn't been feeling well for a while... 00:04:31.03,00:04:33.30 and he didn't have any insurance. 00:04:33.37,00:04:35.63 So he'd just go to the free clinic. 00:04:35.70,00:04:38.64 And by the time he was diagnosed,[br]he was in stage four. 00:04:38.71,00:04:42.37 And there only are four stages.[br]Like, stage five is dead. 00:04:42.44,00:04:46.00 So it was an incredibly serious situation. 00:04:46.08,00:04:51.07 And I immediately moved him[br]into my home and took over[br]taking care of him. 00:04:51.15,00:04:53.75 And our brotherJim,[br]who had also moved to Los Angeles... 00:04:53.82,00:04:56.09 was over all the time and helping out. 00:04:56.16,00:05:00.65 And after a few weeks,[br]our parents, who were[br]naturally distraught... 00:05:00.73,00:05:04.82 packed up all their bags,[br]drove down from Spokane,[br]and moved in. 00:05:04.90,00:05:06.83 And for the next nine months... 00:05:06.90,00:05:11.46 there we all were[br]in my perfect little house[br]made for one. 00:05:11.54,00:05:14.70 Now, of course, our biggest concern[br]was for Michael. 00:05:14.78,00:05:18.34 And, of course, we all love[br]each other very much. 00:05:18.41,00:05:22.75 - But let me just take a moment...[br]- [Audience Laughing] 00:05:22.82,00:05:26.84 to rant to you[br]about what it's like... 00:05:26.92,00:05:29.19 to suddenly have your parents[br]living with you... 00:05:29.26,00:05:31.85 when you've spent[br]half your life away from them... 00:05:31.93,00:05:34.29 and you can never really[br]lose your temper... 00:05:34.36,00:05:37.30 because of the enormity[br]of the whole situation. 00:05:37.37,00:05:40.53 For example,[br]this is how my mother[br]would answer the phone. 00:05:40.60,00:05:44.56 "Hello. This is Jeri Sweeney[br]answering the telephone... 00:05:44.64,00:05:48.51 to take down a message[br]for her daughter, Julia Sweeney." 00:05:48.58,00:05:50.51 [Audience Laughing] 00:05:50.58,00:05:54.28 Had to take her aside[br]and say, "You know, 'hello. ' 00:05:54.35,00:05:58.25 That's gonna be okay." 00:05:58.32,00:06:02.59 My mother has this habit[br]of stringing together[br]disconnecting thoughts... 00:06:02.66,00:06:05.75 and then trying to present them[br]as one idea. 00:06:05.83,00:06:08.76 And she's always saying things like... 00:06:08.83,00:06:11.09 "Oh, I think[br]the cantaloupe would work. 00:06:11.17,00:06:15.60 The blouse you wanted[br]altered is on the bed.[br]Have you seen the car keys?" 00:06:15.67,00:06:18.57 Once my mother[br]took me aside and she said... 00:06:18.64,00:06:21.44 "You know, I think[br]Your father might be getting Alzheimer's... 00:06:21.51,00:06:25.10 because he doesn't know[br]what I'm talking about half the time." 00:06:25.18,00:06:27.94 [Audience Laughing] 00:06:28.02,00:06:31.78 My mother has this[br]storytelling technique... 00:06:31.85,00:06:34.29 that I call the red-herring style... 00:06:34.36,00:06:39.12 where she'll drop[br]a piece of very intriguing[br]unrelated information... 00:06:39.19,00:06:43.19 into the top of her story[br]and then go on and act[br]as if it's irrelevant. 00:06:43.26,00:06:45.56 For example, once she said to me... 00:06:45.63,00:06:48.73 "Julie, I had to get the ingredients[br]for that potato salad... 00:06:48.80,00:06:51.93 "so I went to the store,[br]and I had a hard time[br]pulling out of the driveway... 00:06:52.01,00:06:54.13 "because there was a man lying there. 00:06:54.21,00:06:58.94 Anyway, I went to the store,[br]and I didn't know if you[br]wanted new potatoes or l..." 00:06:59.01,00:07:04.21 And I'll say, "Mom, there was a man[br]lying in my driveway?" 00:07:04.29,00:07:07.91 And then she always acts[br]as if I've interrupted[br]the cadence of her story. 00:07:07.99,00:07:12.12 And she'll go, "Oh, uh, uh, uh, yes."[br][Laughing] 00:07:12.19,00:07:15.06 [Audience Laughing, Applauding] 00:07:15.13,00:07:18.43 I have this office in my backyard... 00:07:18.50,00:07:22.09 that I use to write in[br]and prepare for auditions... 00:07:22.17,00:07:25.47 or, as my mother calls them, "tryouts." 00:07:25.54,00:07:27.47 [Audience Laughing] 00:07:27.54,00:07:30.98 And my parents were[br]always coming back there[br]and interrupting me... 00:07:31.05,00:07:33.48 and I finally had to explain to them... 00:07:33.55,00:07:37.92 that when they did that, it was[br]like not only having my parents[br]living with me in my home... 00:07:37.99,00:07:41.44 it was like having[br]my parents with me at my job too. 00:07:41.52,00:07:44.96 And so they agreed they would[br]only come back there if it[br]was very, very important. 00:07:45.03,00:07:47.46 And my mother[br]immediately came back. 00:07:47.53,00:07:49.46 And she said, "Julie,[br]I'm sorry to bother you... 00:07:49.53,00:07:52.86 "but I have been[br]through your kitchen, top to bottom... 00:07:52.93,00:07:57.60 and I cannot find[br]where you keep your mixes." 00:07:57.67,00:08:02.11 And I said, "My what?"[br]And she said, "Your mixes. 00:08:02.18,00:08:06.34 "You know,[br]like your Laura Scudder's[br]beef stroganoff mix. 00:08:06.41,00:08:11.18 - Where is that?"[br]- [Audience Laughing] 00:08:11.25,00:08:14.48 Once, I was out of my office[br]and my mother came back there... 00:08:14.56,00:08:18.12 and she said, "Julie, the light has[br]gone out in the bathroom... 00:08:18.19,00:08:20.13 "and I found another bulb. 00:08:20.19,00:08:23.13 "But I didn't know[br]if you wanted it screwed in... 00:08:23.20,00:08:26.17 in some... special way." 00:08:26.23,00:08:29.17 [Audience Laughing] 00:08:29.24,00:08:33.20 Now, my father was a U.S. attorney... 00:08:33.27,00:08:36.33 and after his retirement five years ago... 00:08:36.41,00:08:39.50 he's chosen to spend[br]all of his new free time... 00:08:39.58,00:08:42.41 listening to National Public Radio. 00:08:42.48,00:08:45.98 He has a little Walkman[br]that he keeps on a belt[br]and these headphones. 00:08:46.05,00:08:49.58 And like a stereotypical[br]teenager in a movie... 00:08:49.66,00:08:52.32 he's always off in his own little world. 00:08:52.39,00:08:57.89 And recently, he told me that[br]he hasn't missed Morning Edition[br]once in seven years. 00:08:57.97,00:08:59.90 And because of this... 00:08:59.97,00:09:04.06 it seems as though[br]Bob Edwards and Mara Liasson[br]and Cokie Roberts... 00:09:04.14,00:09:06.80 are his very best friends. 00:09:06.87,00:09:10.00 And I think he has[br]a special fondness for Cokie... 00:09:10.08,00:09:12.67 because he's always saying things like... 00:09:12.75,00:09:15.81 "Oh, you know[br]what Cokie did today?" 00:09:15.88,00:09:20.51 Or he'll say, "You know,[br]Cokie doesn't like what[br]that Bob Dole is saying." 00:09:20.59,00:09:25.42 Or once he said,[br]"You know, Cokie broadcast[br]in her pajamas this morning." 00:09:25.49,00:09:27.43 And I said, "Really?" 00:09:27.50,00:09:30.95 And he said, "Yeah, they had[br]all this broadcast equipment[br]put into her home... 00:09:31.03,00:09:33.47 "so she could just[br]get up and broadcast. 00:09:33.53,00:09:36.70 "And this morning[br]she said she was in her pajamas. 00:09:36.77,00:09:38.71 Can you imagine?" 00:09:38.77,00:09:42.57 - And I said, "Oh, Cokie." [Laughs][br]- [Audience Laughing] 00:09:42.64,00:09:47.10 Now, because my father[br]was constantly listening to N.P. R... . 00:09:47.18,00:09:50.81 And I mean constantly.[br]Like he slept with[br]the headphones on all night... 00:09:50.89,00:09:53.62 because there was a special[br]other Canadian broadcast... 00:09:53.69,00:09:56.09 between the hours[br]of 3:00 and 5:00 a.m. 00:09:56.16,00:09:59.46 We always knew the news,[br]like, as it was happening. 00:09:59.53,00:10:02.52 And one day my father[br]came bounding down the hallway... 00:10:02.60,00:10:05.53 and he said, "Julie, there's been[br]an earthquake in Japan. 00:10:05.60,00:10:07.93 And I said, "Oh, my God. When?" 00:10:08.00,00:10:10.70 And he said, "Thirty seconds ago." 00:10:10.77,00:10:12.71 [Audience Laughing] 00:10:12.77,00:10:15.94 Now, we were especially[br]concerned about this... 00:10:16.01,00:10:19.28 because my sister Meg[br]lives in Tokushima, Japan... 00:10:19.35,00:10:24.68 and Tokushima's only 40 miles[br]from Kobe, which was[br]the earthquake's epicenter. 00:10:24.75,00:10:26.91 Meg's lived there for seven years. 00:10:26.99,00:10:30.89 And she has[br]a Japanese boyfriend there[br]whose name is Yamamoto. 00:10:30.96,00:10:35.16 And he's a sweet potato farmer,[br]and she calls him "Yam" for short. 00:10:35.23,00:10:37.16 [Audience Laughing] 00:10:37.23,00:10:39.67 And he doesn't speak any English... 00:10:39.73,00:10:42.13 so he doesn't know how funny that is. 00:10:42.20,00:10:44.14 [Audience Laughing] 00:10:44.21,00:10:48.54 Now, when my father[br]was practicing as a U.S. attorney... 00:10:48.61,00:10:51.70 his specialty was in Indian land law. 00:10:51.78,00:10:55.44 And while it always[br]sounded really cool and politically correct... 00:10:55.52,00:10:57.45 when I was growing up... 00:10:57.52,00:11:02.05 I would tell my friends[br]that my dad was an expert[br]in Indian land law... 00:11:02.12,00:11:04.56 what I didn't explain[br]to them... 00:11:04.63,00:11:07.89 was that my dad wasn't exactly[br]on the side of the Indians. 00:11:07.96,00:11:10.43 [Audience Laughing] 00:11:10.50,00:11:15.73 The government policy[br]in the Pacific Northwest[br]towards the Native Americans... 00:11:15.80,00:11:18.27 is basically[br]to create a reservation... 00:11:18.34,00:11:21.57 and then later,[br]if the government finds[br]something valuable on the land... 00:11:21.64,00:11:23.91 they'd swoop in[br]and take it back. 00:11:23.98,00:11:27.31 And my dad was the guy to swoop in[br]and take it back. 00:11:27.38,00:11:31.72 Well, there was one big case[br]that got away from my father[br]in his career... 00:11:31.79,00:11:35.75 and it was against this Indian family[br]called the Sohapis. 00:11:35.82,00:11:40.78 And I always loved that name,[br]'cause I thought, " what a[br]responsibility to live up to." 00:11:40.86,00:11:45.82 And the Sohapis had[br]this sacred burial ground... 00:11:45.90,00:11:48.13 that my father[br]was trying to condemn... 00:11:48.20,00:11:51.90 because they were putting up[br]this dam nearby, and it was[br]going to flood that area. 00:11:51.97,00:11:56.47 Well, the Sohapis fought[br]valiantly against this,[br]and in the end, they won. 00:11:56.54,00:12:00.71 Well, this was the big case[br]that got away from my father[br]in his career. 00:12:00.78,00:12:05.05 And sometimes still,[br]You can find him[br]in the kitchen late at night... 00:12:05.12,00:12:08.21 with a drink in one hand[br]and the other hand on the counter... 00:12:08.29,00:12:12.62 Iooking on the floor[br]and saying, "Those goddamn Sohapis." 00:12:12.69,00:12:14.82 [Audience Laughing] 00:12:15.16,00:12:18.33 Now, over the course[br]of the nine months... 00:12:18.47,00:12:20.83 that my parents[br]stayed with me... 00:12:20.90,00:12:24.70 things started to slowly[br]change around the house. 00:12:24.77,00:12:26.71 For example, the food. 00:12:26.77,00:12:30.97 Where I once had[br]bottled Samuel Adams beer[br]in the refrigerator... 00:12:31.05,00:12:36.28 that would be drunk[br]and then replaced with[br]canned Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. 00:12:36.35,00:12:40.91 Or if I had fresh chunky salsa[br]from TraderJoe's in the refrigerator... 00:12:40.99,00:12:46.26 that would be eaten[br]and replaced with a can[br]of Del Monte tomato paste... 00:12:46.33,00:12:50.66 that my mother was sure[br]could double as salsa. 00:12:50.73,00:12:53.83 Once, I was out in my office[br]and my mother came back there... 00:12:53.90,00:12:58.03 and she said, "Julie,[br]I'm sorry to bother you, but[br]I've been through your kitchen. 00:12:58.11,00:13:00.54 I can't find[br]Your Parmesan cheese." 00:13:00.61,00:13:05.01 And I said, "Oh, well, actually,[br]I have a chunk of Parmesan[br]in the refrigerator... 00:13:05.08,00:13:08.71 and then a special grater[br]for it in the cupboard[br]up above the stove." 00:13:08.78,00:13:10.72 And she said, "What?" 00:13:10.79,00:13:14.35 And I said, "I have[br]a chunk of Parmesan[br]in the refrigerator... 00:13:14.42,00:13:17.88 and then a grater for it[br]in the cupboard up above the stove." 00:13:17.96,00:13:22.29 And she said, "Oh, Julie,[br]You know, you don't have to do that." 00:13:22.36,00:13:24.46 [Laughter] 00:13:24.53,00:13:26.97 Even if I used words like "pasta," 00:13:27.03,00:13:32.10 it was as if I was throwing[br]my big-city ways right into their face. 00:13:32.17,00:13:34.97 They'd say, "You mean noodles?" 00:13:35.04,00:13:38.81 And if I used a phrase[br]like "marinara sauce,"[br]it really blew their minds. 00:13:38.88,00:13:41.81 So after a few months,[br]I was reduced to saying things... 00:13:41.88,00:13:46.38 like, "Hey, how about the noodles[br]with the red topping?" 00:13:46.45,00:13:48.89 [Audience Laughing] 00:13:48.96,00:13:51.98 Now, please keep in mind... 00:13:52.06,00:13:56.59 that I had spent years[br]in therapy talking about my parents... 00:13:56.66,00:14:01.76 and learning how to do things[br]like, oh, set boundaries. 00:14:01.84,00:14:06.30 But here I suddenly was[br]in this enormous situation... 00:14:06.37,00:14:10.87 with Mike sick and[br]the medical bills mounting[br]and my parents there... 00:14:10.95,00:14:12.88 and there was nothing I could do... 00:14:12.95,00:14:16.54 but accept the surreal nightmare[br]that life had become. 00:14:16.62,00:14:19.68 Now, with Mike sick,[br]there was a lot to do. 00:14:19.75,00:14:24.66 Mike got radiation[br]five days a week and two[br]different kinds of chemo. 00:14:24.73,00:14:27.25 Uh, one chemo,[br]we called the big chemo... 00:14:27.33,00:14:29.26 and he got that every three weeks. 00:14:29.33,00:14:33.43 And that went into his veins[br]and required him to sit with[br]an I.V. for about four hours. 00:14:33.50,00:14:36.03 And the other chemo[br]was the spinal tap chemo... 00:14:36.10,00:14:39.04 and that went directly[br]into his spinal column. 00:14:39.11,00:14:41.54 And that he got nearly every other day. 00:14:41.61,00:14:43.54 So almost every day... 00:14:43.61,00:14:48.17 someone was escorting Mike[br]from Hollywood out[br]to the UCLA cancer center. 00:14:48.25,00:14:51.15 Plus there were a lot of other things[br]for us to do... 00:14:51.22,00:14:53.65 like stand in line at Social Security... 00:14:53.72,00:14:56.66 to see if we can get[br]the right forms to try[br]to get Mike under Medi-Cal. 00:14:56.72,00:15:00.35 Or figure out how to get[br]a disabled parking pass. 00:15:00.43,00:15:03.99 Or get one of the myriad[br]of prescriptions filled. 00:15:04.06,00:15:07.33 Mike, up until his diagnosis... 00:15:07.40,00:15:10.73 has always been the most private member[br]of our family. 00:15:10.80,00:15:13.97 You really got close[br]to Mike on his terms. 00:15:14.04,00:15:18.71 Mike was actually a master[br]at boundary-setting[br]from a very young age. 00:15:18.78,00:15:23.91 In fact, as a teenager,[br]Mike had a doorbell installed[br]outside of his bedroom door. 00:15:23.98,00:15:27.44 And as an adult,[br]if you said something to Mike like... 00:15:27.52,00:15:29.89 "Hey, how about dinner and a movie?" 00:15:29.96,00:15:33.45 Mike was apt to respond,[br]"Yes, I could do that on Tuesday... 00:15:33.53,00:15:35.52 "between the hours of 6:30 and 9:00... 00:15:35.60,00:15:38.43 but after 9:00, I have other plans." 00:15:38.50,00:15:43.13 So for someone like Mike,[br]to be sick like that and in my house... 00:15:43.20,00:15:47.04 with our parents there,[br]it was a particular invasion... 00:15:47.11,00:15:52.37 and we all just pretended[br]that our parents were down[br]on this extended visit. 00:15:52.45,00:15:57.15 Mike had this habit of asking[br]each doctor or nurse... 00:15:57.22,00:16:00.15 the first time he encountered them[br]for their cards... 00:16:00.22,00:16:02.85 so that he could verify[br]their qualifications... 00:16:02.92,00:16:06.52 and then he would quiz them on their[br]educational background. 00:16:06.59,00:16:09.72 And I'm not exactly sure why Mike did this. 00:16:09.80,00:16:13.76 I think it just had[br]something to do with Mike[br]trying to keep some control. 00:16:13.83,00:16:18.29 But all I knew is that whenever[br]a new medical professional[br]would enter the room... 00:16:18.37,00:16:20.31 my stomach would tense up... 00:16:20.37,00:16:22.74 because I knew at some point,[br]Mike would be demanding[br]their card... 00:16:22.81,00:16:26.25 and then going over[br]their history of work experience. 00:16:26.31,00:16:29.31 The doctors prescribed Marinol for Mike... 00:16:29.38,00:16:32.75 which is basically[br]marijuana in pill form. 00:16:32.82,00:16:35.52 And that's an accepted drug[br]for cancer patients... 00:16:35.59,00:16:38.96 to help keep their pain down[br]and their appetite up. 00:16:39.03,00:16:43.69 But marijuana in pill form[br]doesn't work nearly as effectively... 00:16:43.76,00:16:46.03 as it does in leaf form. 00:16:46.10,00:16:50.70 Fortunately, our brother Bill[br]who lives in Spokane[br]with his wife and kids... 00:16:50.77,00:16:54.76 was able to get his hands[br]on some real primo stuff. 00:16:54.84,00:16:57.71 Bill's always had this talent. 00:16:57.78,00:17:01.94 In fact, in high school,[br]Bill would occasionally[br]supplement his income... 00:17:02.02,00:17:03.95 by selling pot out[br]of the family basement... 00:17:04.02,00:17:06.28 without our parents[br]knowing about it, of course. 00:17:06.35,00:17:08.62 And my mother would[br]always say things like... 00:17:08.69,00:17:12.79 "You know, that Bill is so popular. 00:17:12.86,00:17:17.30 But his friends only stay for five minutes." 00:17:20.70,00:17:24.97 After Mike's diagnosis,[br]his condition was like a pendulum. 00:17:25.04,00:17:28.77 Sometimes he'd be so sick,[br]he'd have to spend the night[br]in the hospital... 00:17:28.84,00:17:32.44 and sometimes he'd feel[br]well enough to go back[br]to his own apartment... 00:17:32.51,00:17:35.48 which we kept[br]and was only about[br]a mile from my place. 00:17:35.55,00:17:37.74 But most of the time, he stayed with me. 00:17:37.82,00:17:40.88 And when he did,[br]this is how the sleeping[br]arrangements were: 00:17:40.95,00:17:44.41 My parents slept[br]in the guest room,[br]Mike slept in my room... 00:17:44.49,00:17:47.93 and I like to sleep[br]on the pullout sofa[br]out back in the office. 00:17:48.00,00:17:52.76 And after a few months,[br]the lines started to cross... 00:17:52.83,00:17:55.93 between whose house it really was. 00:17:56.00,00:17:59.37 And I think this happened[br]partially because... 00:17:59.44,00:18:01.87 Well, I have a lot[br]of furniture in my house... 00:18:01.94,00:18:03.88 that I inherited from my parents... 00:18:03.94,00:18:06.34 when they moved[br]from the big house to the condo. 00:18:06.41,00:18:10.14 And so, like my coffee table[br]and my end tables and my lamps... 00:18:10.22,00:18:13.85 are all the same things[br]I grew up around. 00:18:13.92,00:18:16.05 And to suddenly have[br]my parents living there... 00:18:16.12,00:18:18.22 and my brothers around all the time... 00:18:18.29,00:18:21.69 it started to feel more[br]like I was living at home again. 00:18:21.76,00:18:24.66 And I found myself[br]walking around thinking... 00:18:24.73,00:18:28.13 "Oh, when I go to college... 00:18:28.20,00:18:30.14 "I'm gonna get my own dorm room... 00:18:30.20,00:18:32.14 "and then I'm gonna do what I want. 00:18:32.21,00:18:35.97 - And... Oh, my God,[br]I already went to college."[br]- [Audience Laughing] 00:18:36.04,00:18:39.54 It was noisy and crazy in the house. 00:18:39.61,00:18:43.24 And my brother Bill[br]was coming down from[br]Spokane again and again. 00:18:43.32,00:18:45.25 And Meg was coming from Japan. 00:18:45.32,00:18:47.25 And relatives were showing up. 00:18:47.32,00:18:49.98 And, of course, Mike had all[br]of his friends around. 00:18:50.06,00:18:51.99 And instead of the Tchaikovsky... 00:18:52.06,00:18:54.55 that I was hoping[br]to play in the afternoons... 00:18:54.63,00:18:58.03 my mother usually had[br]the Irish Rovers blaring. 00:18:58.10,00:19:02.36 - [Piano, Cello][br]- And the feeling at the house[br]got to be really frenetic. 00:19:02.44,00:19:06.87 I think it got to be too much[br]for my orange cat, Gus. 00:19:06.94,00:19:10.67 Gus is my most sensitive cat. 00:19:10.74,00:19:13.61 And I hadn't seen him at all[br]for a couple of days. 00:19:13.68,00:19:15.55 And it was raining outside... 00:19:15.62,00:19:18.05 and I was really worried about him. 00:19:18.12,00:19:22.61 And so I'm standing[br]on the porch yelling,[br]"Gus! Gus! Gus!" 00:19:22.69,00:19:25.06 And then my neighbor[br]came out on his porch... 00:19:25.13,00:19:29.26 and he said, "Julia, you know,[br]Gus is over here." 00:19:29.33,00:19:31.82 And I said, "Really?" 00:19:31.90,00:19:35.39 And he said, "Yeah.[br]Um, do you wanna see him?" 00:19:35.47,00:19:39.30 - [Audience Laughing][br]- And I said, "Oh, well, I guess so." 00:19:39.37,00:19:42.10 And so, I walked[br]across our front yards... 00:19:42.18,00:19:46.24 and into his house[br]and down the hallway[br]to the back bedroom. 00:19:46.31,00:19:49.37 And sure enough, sitting[br]on his bed was Gus. 00:19:49.45,00:19:52.61 And I said, "Hi, Gus. How are you?" 00:19:52.69,00:19:54.62 And my neighbor said... 00:19:54.69,00:19:58.95 "You know, Gus has been spending[br]a lot of time over here. 00:19:59.03,00:20:00.96 [Audience Laughing] 00:20:01.03,00:20:05.23 A lot of time.[br]And I believe that Gus[br]thinks he lives here now." 00:20:05.30,00:20:07.23 And I said, "Oh." 00:20:07.30,00:20:10.93 And he said, "You know,[br]um, eventually, I went out.[br]I bought him some food. 00:20:11.00,00:20:15.84 I made this little bed[br]for him on the floor.[br]I can shut him out if you want." 00:20:15.91,00:20:17.84 And I said, "Oh, no. 00:20:17.91,00:20:20.78 "You know, if Gus would[br]rather live over here... 00:20:20.85,00:20:23.04 I guess that'd be all right." 00:20:23.12,00:20:27.52 And I said, "Gus, would you rather[br]live over here?" 00:20:27.59,00:20:32.69 And Gus looked up at me[br]as if to say, "I'm sorry,[br]but the answer is yes." 00:20:32.76,00:20:34.69 [Audience Laughing] 00:20:34.76,00:20:37.86 My brotherJim works for[br]the city of West Hollywood. 00:20:37.93,00:20:43.03 And he had arranged[br]for me to be honored[br]as Mayor for the Day... 00:20:43.10,00:20:46.00 on Halloween as Pat. 00:20:46.07,00:20:51.07 And I had agreed[br]to do this months before Mike got sick... 00:20:51.14,00:20:54.98 and months before[br]the movie came out and it was a bomb... 00:20:55.05,00:20:58.18 and months before[br]I never wanted to be Pat again... 00:20:58.25,00:21:00.19 as long as I lived... 00:21:00.25,00:21:03.92 and months before the public[br]had the exact same feeling about me. 00:21:03.99,00:21:05.93 [Audience Laughing] 00:21:05.99,00:21:07.93 But I'd agreed. 00:21:08.00,00:21:11.29 So there I was in the Pat outfit[br]for the very last time... 00:21:11.37,00:21:13.56 traipsing down Santa Monica Boulevard... 00:21:13.63,00:21:16.69 with my brotherJim[br]and Mike who was feeling[br]pretty good then... 00:21:16.77,00:21:20.80 and wearing his traditional[br]Halloween ensemble: : a priest outfit. 00:21:20.87,00:21:25.71 And I had to get up on the stage,[br]and I was so not into it. 00:21:25.78,00:21:28.44 It was just my most[br]halfhearted Pat performance. 00:21:28.52,00:21:31.04 And I was just standing[br]up there going... 00:21:31.12,00:21:34.14 - [Mumbling][br]- [Audience Laughing] 00:21:34.22,00:21:37.71 And people were walking by,[br]and I know they were just thinking... 00:21:37.79,00:21:41.82 "That can't possibly be[br]the real person who plays Pat... 00:21:41.90,00:21:44.80 because that would be so pathetic." 00:21:44.87,00:21:46.80 [Audience Laughing] 00:21:46.87,00:21:49.80 And I think my sad display[br]was even too much for Mike... 00:21:49.87,00:21:51.80 because he left halfway through. 00:21:51.87,00:21:54.36 Also because he had a date[br]with his radiation therapist... 00:21:54.44,00:21:58.57 who was meeting him on the corner[br]of Robertson and Santa Monica. 00:21:58.65,00:22:02.14 I tried to go with Mike[br]to all of his radiation appointments. 00:22:02.22,00:22:04.91 And we both found it[br]to be very interesting. 00:22:04.99,00:22:07.32 I mean, it's very high-tech. 00:22:07.39,00:22:10.32 And at UCLA, they even have[br]sound systems in the room... 00:22:10.39,00:22:13.26 and they encourage patients[br]to bring music to listen to. 00:22:13.33,00:22:16.52 And so, while Mike's brain[br]was being radiated... 00:22:16.60,00:22:19.69 he usually listened to either[br]the Crash Test Dummies... 00:22:19.77,00:22:22.86 or Bach's unaccompanied cello suites. 00:22:22.94,00:22:28.50 Mike, being the one of us[br]Sweeney kids most concerned[br]about his appearance... 00:22:28.58,00:22:33.38 was naturally distraught[br]when, after the first chemo,[br]he lost all of his hair. 00:22:33.45,00:22:37.14 But he was eventually able[br]to develop this look for himself. 00:22:37.22,00:22:41.52 And he took to wearing[br]black jeans and a black T-shirt[br]and a black baseball cap. 00:22:41.59,00:22:44.61 And I actually gave him[br]this Reservoir Dogs T-shirt... 00:22:44.69,00:22:46.63 that he began to wear constantly. 00:22:46.69,00:22:49.49 And as Mike would come out[br]of the radiation room... 00:22:49.56,00:22:51.62 I'd be waiting for him in the waiting room. 00:22:51.70,00:22:56.07 And he always had this oddly amused[br]expression on his face. 00:22:56.14,00:23:00.16 And then our eyes would[br]meet, and we'd laugh[br]that little laugh like... 00:23:00.24,00:23:02.83 "How weird is this?" 00:23:03.01,00:23:07.54 When you're around someone[br]who's as sick as Mike,[br]You have a couple of urges. 00:23:07.61,00:23:09.55 One is to be really healthy. 00:23:09.62,00:23:12.78 I mean, you wanna get up[br]and take your vitamins and exercise... 00:23:12.85,00:23:16.22 and eat your green[br]leafy vegetables and meditate. 00:23:16.29,00:23:20.92 But on the other hand,[br]You have this equal urge[br]to be really unhealthy. 00:23:20.99,00:23:24.69 I mean, you wanna[br]eat fried foods, drive in fast cars... 00:23:24.77,00:23:27.10 and take up dangerous sports. 00:23:27.17,00:23:32.00 And this one day, I was feeling[br]really stressed out and really down... 00:23:32.07,00:23:35.04 and I just needed[br]a release of some sort. 00:23:35.11,00:23:38.70 And I decided to do something[br]a little unhealthy and dangerous. 00:23:38.78,00:23:42.72 And for me, that meant[br]I was gonna smoke myself a cigarette... 00:23:42.78,00:23:45.25 and buy the new book by the Pope. 00:23:45.32,00:23:48.01 [Audience Laughing] 00:23:48.09,00:23:50.92 Okay, as for the Pope... 00:23:50.99,00:23:54.15 I'm not really a big fan of this Pope,[br]as you could imagine. 00:23:54.23,00:23:57.86 But I kind of enjoy disagreeing with him[br]on so many topics. 00:23:57.93,00:24:02.16 But it means that I have[br]to really keep up on what he's[br]saying and writing all the time. 00:24:02.24,00:24:05.64 And this was the day[br]that the Pope's new book had come out. 00:24:05.71,00:24:09.66 As for the cigarette,[br]You know, I really don't smoke. 00:24:09.74,00:24:13.24 Only very, very occasionally[br]and when I'm really under pressure. 00:24:13.31,00:24:15.80 My parents are[br]militant nonsmokers. 00:24:15.88,00:24:19.82 My father smoked two and[br]a half packs of unfiltered[br]Chesterfields a day... 00:24:19.89,00:24:21.82 until three years ago. 00:24:21.89,00:24:25.69 And like most former smokers,[br]he absolutely hates smoking. 00:24:25.76,00:24:28.19 And he's always going on[br]about the evils of smoking. 00:24:28.26,00:24:31.66 And I always join in his tirades[br]and agree wholeheartedly. 00:24:31.73,00:24:36.33 But it means that if I am[br]gonna have a cigarette,[br]I really have to hide it. 00:24:36.40,00:24:40.34 Well, as I said,[br]this one day I was feeling[br]really stressed out and down. 00:24:40.41,00:24:44.04 And, oh, I just looked awful.[br]My hair was a disaster. 00:24:44.11,00:24:46.98 I didn't have any makeup on,[br]maybe just a little lipstick. 00:24:47.05,00:24:48.98 And I was wearing these overalls... 00:24:49.05,00:24:52.45 which is a really bad fashion choice for me. 00:24:52.52,00:24:54.61 And I thought, "I can't stand it anymore. 00:24:54.69,00:24:57.62 "I'm gonna get out of here,[br]and I'm gonna smoke myself[br]a cigarette... 00:24:57.69,00:25:00.63 - And get the Pope's book."[br]- [Audience Laughing] 00:25:00.69,00:25:04.89 And so, I got into my car[br]and I drove to West Hollywood... 00:25:04.97,00:25:09.27 and I went to Book Soup,[br]and I walked in, and I thought,[br]"I'll get the book first." 00:25:09.34,00:25:12.33 And I couldn't find[br]the Pope's book anywhere. 00:25:12.41,00:25:15.53 And suddenly I felt awkward asking for it. 00:25:15.61,00:25:17.54 And I guess I was just hoping... 00:25:17.61,00:25:22.17 that there would be[br]a big ten-foot cardboard cutout[br]of the Pope, you know. 00:25:22.25,00:25:24.72 [Audience Laughing,[br]Applauding] 00:25:24.78,00:25:27.75 And then I did find it... 00:25:27.82,00:25:30.26 and like somebody[br]buying some pornography... 00:25:30.32,00:25:33.99 I suddenly felt that I should[br]get something for on top of it[br]and underneath it... 00:25:34.06,00:25:36.19 so that it would say to the clerk... 00:25:36.26,00:25:41.22 "You know, I'm interested[br]in what the Pope has to say,[br]among other things." 00:25:41.30,00:25:45.43 So I started wandering[br]around Book Soup, looking[br]for something else to get... 00:25:45.51,00:25:48.37 and I found myself in the Self-Help section. 00:25:48.44,00:25:52.04 Hmm. And I was looking up at all the titles. 00:25:52.11,00:25:55.45 And there was one book, entitled... 00:25:55.52,00:25:59.95 The Atheist Guide[br]to Getting Through the Day...[br]There is a Tomorrow. 00:26:00.02,00:26:01.95 And I thought,[br]"Well, that's interesting... 00:26:02.02,00:26:04.86 that someone would take the time[br]to write that book." 00:26:04.93,00:26:08.42 And then I thought,[br]"I guess the book I'm looking for is... 00:26:08.50,00:26:10.79 What Happens When[br]Your Brother Gets Cancer... 00:26:10.86,00:26:12.96 and Your Entire Family[br]Moves in with You? 00:26:13.03,00:26:14.97 Where is that book? 00:26:15.04,00:26:17.70 And I was feeling worse and worse. 00:26:17.77,00:26:21.04 And at just this moment... 00:26:21.11,00:26:24.80 And I hesitate to report this to you because... 00:26:24.88,00:26:26.81 well, because it's embarrassing... 00:26:26.88,00:26:30.71 and also because I'm really not into[br]scatological humor in any way. 00:26:30.78,00:26:36.22 But at just this moment,[br]I suddenly let out the loudest fart. 00:26:36.29,00:26:40.95 And it was like a foghorn[br]had gone off at Book Soup. 00:26:41.03,00:26:44.33 And everyone's heads whipped up... 00:26:44.40,00:26:46.63 and I didn't know what I should do. 00:26:46.70,00:26:48.93 I didn't know if I should,[br]You know, flee the scene... 00:26:49.00,00:26:51.97 or if I should look around[br]like it wasn't me. 00:26:52.04,00:26:54.01 But, of course, I just[br]ended up standing there... 00:26:54.07,00:26:57.77 like a deer caught frozen[br]in the headlights, you know,[br]with the Pope's book. 00:26:57.84,00:27:00.78 [Audience Laughing] 00:27:00.85,00:27:04.21 And I was so humiliated. 00:27:04.28,00:27:07.25 And at just this moment,[br]this head came from[br]around the bookcase... 00:27:07.32,00:27:11.65 And this guy said,[br]"Julia? Julia Sweeney?" 00:27:11.73,00:27:15.29 And I said, "Yes?" 00:27:15.36,00:27:18.30 I wanted to say, "You recognized my call?" 00:27:18.37,00:27:20.30 [Audience Laughing] 00:27:20.37,00:27:22.80 But I said, "Yes." 00:27:22.87,00:27:26.74 And he said,[br]"Remember me? It's Marshall[br]from the Groundling Theater." 00:27:26.81,00:27:28.74 Well, I didn't[br]remember Marshall... 00:27:28.81,00:27:33.77 but I did what I always[br]do in that situation,[br]which is to overcompensate. 00:27:33.85,00:27:37.28 And so I said,[br]"Oh, Marshall, Marshall, Marshall. 00:27:37.35,00:27:41.68 "Oh, gosh, it's just so great[br]to see you, Marshall." 00:27:41.76,00:27:44.78 And he said, "Hey, how you doing?[br]How you doing? 00:27:44.86,00:27:49.09 So, uh, you still[br]on Saturday Night Live?" 00:27:49.16,00:27:54.60 And I said, "Oh, you know,[br]I'm just really, um, not[br]on that show anymore." 00:27:54.67,00:27:58.73 And he said, "Oh. So, what[br]are you working on now?" 00:27:58.81,00:28:02.04 And I said, "Oh, you know,[br]just, uh, nothing." 00:28:02.11,00:28:04.67 And he said, "Oh.[br]Hey, how's Steve? 00:28:04.74,00:28:09.20 You know, I gotta tell you,[br]You and Steve are[br]the cutest couple." 00:28:09.28,00:28:13.31 And I said, "Oh, well, um,[br]Steve's doing really well... 00:28:13.39,00:28:16.18 but, you know, we got divorced." 00:28:16.26,00:28:18.19 And he said, "Oh?" 00:28:18.26,00:28:21.35 Then I tried to make my escape,[br]and he came up behind me[br]and said, "Hey, how's Mike?" 00:28:21.43,00:28:24.36 "Is he still running[br]the box office[br]at the Groundling Theater? 00:28:24.43,00:28:26.46 That Mike Sweeney is so funny." 00:28:26.53,00:28:31.99 And I said, "Oh, um, actually,[br]Mike's taking a little time off[br]from work right now... 00:28:32.07,00:28:34.97 "because, uh, he has cancer. 00:28:35.04,00:28:38.50 - Well, nice seeing you, Marshall."[br]- [Audience Laughing] 00:28:38.58,00:28:41.74 And I took my book up and I paid for it. 00:28:41.82,00:28:46.48 You can imagine at this point[br]how much I really, really[br]wanted a cigarette. 00:28:46.65,00:28:50.68 So I got out of Book Soup[br]and I went to this corner market... 00:28:50.76,00:28:53.19 and I bought this pack of cigarettes. 00:28:53.26,00:28:56.19 And I thought,[br]Okay, there can be[br]no smell of smoke in the car... 00:28:56.26,00:28:58.92 because I know the next morning,[br]we're all gonna be loading into it... 00:28:59.00,00:29:00.93 to take Mike to chemo. 00:29:01.00,00:29:04.63 So I got into the car, and I started[br]heading east on Sunset... 00:29:04.70,00:29:08.61 and I rolled down all the windows,[br]and I lit up my cigarette. 00:29:08.68,00:29:14.01 And, oh, I was enjoying[br]the cigarette like nobody's[br]ever enjoyed a cigarette. 00:29:14.08,00:29:17.85 And I was kind of holding it[br]outside the driver's window,[br]and yet I was smoking it. 00:29:17.92,00:29:20.15 And I had tears[br]running down my cheeks. 00:29:20.22,00:29:23.16 But I was weirdly happy[br]at the same time. 00:29:23.22,00:29:26.85 And I was just so exhilarated[br]to be smoking and driving... 00:29:26.93,00:29:29.22 and to have gotten away[br]from Marshall. 00:29:29.30,00:29:33.99 And I got closer[br]to my home, and I tossed[br]the cigarette out of the car. 00:29:34.07,00:29:39.60 I turned onto my block.[br]I suddenly smelled something burning. 00:29:39.67,00:29:43.61 And then I realized[br]that my car was[br]filling up with smoke. 00:29:43.68,00:29:46.91 So I pulled into the driveway,[br]and I turned around... 00:29:46.98,00:29:50.92 and I realized that[br]my cigarette must've flown[br]out the driver's window... 00:29:50.98,00:29:53.04 and then back[br]in the back passenger window... 00:29:53.12,00:29:55.92 and it had landed[br]on my back seat and like ignited it. 00:29:55.99,00:29:58.92 - And there was this little fire going there.[br]- [Audience Laughing] 00:29:58.99,00:30:01.93 So I pulled into the driveway,[br]and I jumped out of the car. 00:30:02.00,00:30:06.23 And I opened the back door,[br]and I got the cigarette[br]out of the car and the fire out. 00:30:06.30,00:30:10.10 And I walked in the front door,[br]and my mother said,[br]"Oh, thank God, you're back. 00:30:10.17,00:30:13.04 I need your car keys.[br]I have to go to the store." 00:30:13.11,00:30:17.41 And I said, "Oh, ho-ho. 00:30:17.48,00:30:21.04 "The most terrible thing just happened. 00:30:21.11,00:30:23.05 And she said, "What?" 00:30:23.12,00:30:28.65 And I said, "Well, I was just driving[br]down Sunset Boulevard... 00:30:28.72,00:30:33.09 "and right next to me was this man... 00:30:33.16,00:30:38.65 this old man in a pickup,[br]and he was smoking." 00:30:38.73,00:30:42.43 And my mother said,[br]"Oh, smoking!" 00:30:42.50,00:30:45.34 And... I loved that[br]her reaction was so big. 00:30:45.41,00:30:48.40 - Like that just might be my whole story.[br]- [Audience Laughing] 00:30:48.47,00:30:52.21 - I said,[br]- [Laughing Continues] 00:30:52.28,00:30:54.84 "He was smoking. 00:30:54.91,00:30:59.28 "And he tossed his filthy cigarette[br]out of his pickup... 00:30:59.35,00:31:01.79 "and somehow it landed[br]in my back seat... 00:31:01.86,00:31:05.05 and it burned this big hole there,[br]which I'm sure you'll see." 00:31:05.12,00:31:07.06 And she said, "Oh, my God." 00:31:07.13,00:31:09.69 "That's the most horrible story[br]I've ever heard. 00:31:09.76,00:31:13.49 Bob, come out here[br]and hear this horrible story." 00:31:13.57,00:31:16.87 And my dad came out[br]and I told him the story. 00:31:16.94,00:31:19.43 And he said, "Now, where is this guy?" 00:31:19.51,00:31:22.96 And I said, "He was right over... 00:31:23.04,00:31:25.88 "on this side of me. 00:31:25.95,00:31:28.85 "He was... right on this side of me. 00:31:28.92,00:31:31.35 "And my back passenger window[br]happened to be open... 00:31:31.42,00:31:35.44 and then he was"...[br][Mumbling] 00:31:35.52,00:31:37.46 [Audience Laughing] 00:31:37.52,00:31:39.96 Well, the next day we all were, in fact,[br]loading into the car... 00:31:40.03,00:31:41.96 to take Mike to chemo. 00:31:42.03,00:31:43.96 And as we were, my father looked[br]down to the grass... 00:31:44.03,00:31:47.56 and he kneeled down,[br]and he said, "Hey, look, it's a cigarette." 00:31:47.63,00:31:52.90 And I said, "That's it.[br]That's the cigarette[br]the horrible man was smoking." 00:31:52.97,00:31:58.81 And my dad said, "Wow![br]'Cause this cigarette has lipstick on it." 00:31:58.88,00:32:03.78 And I said, "Oh, well,[br]Sunset Boulevard." 00:32:03.85,00:32:06.28 [Audience Laughing] 00:32:07.29,00:32:10.62 Well, as you can imagine,[br]from time to time... 00:32:11.12,00:32:14.36 things would get[br]pretty tense around the house. 00:32:14.43,00:32:16.95 And I think[br]that for my mother... 00:32:17.03,00:32:20.56 my father's drinking[br]and the constant listening to N.P. R... 00:32:20.63,00:32:23.36 like sometimes she'd roll over[br]on the Walkman in the night. 00:32:23.44,00:32:26.74 And it would just drive her nuts.[br]It got to be too much. 00:32:26.81,00:32:29.07 And one day[br]I came in the front door... 00:32:29.14,00:32:32.08 and my mother said,[br]"I need to talk to you privately. 00:32:32.15,00:32:34.61 Meet me in the hallway." 00:32:34.68,00:32:37.81 So, you know, we move five feet[br]to the hallway. 00:32:37.88,00:32:41.62 And my mother said,[br]"I have had it with your father. 00:32:41.69,00:32:45.28 "He is driving me crazy,[br]and I am breaking up with him. 00:32:45.36,00:32:50.13 But he's not leaving[br]Your house and neither am I." 00:32:50.20,00:32:52.43 And I said, "Oh." 00:32:52.50,00:32:54.97 And she said, "But I will need[br]a new place to sleep... 00:32:55.03,00:32:58.30 because I am not sleeping[br]in there anymore." 00:32:58.37,00:33:01.10 Well, at that point,[br]I'd pretty much had it. 00:33:01.17,00:33:04.11 And I said, "You know what? No. 00:33:04.18,00:33:08.51 "My policy is that[br]when couples come to stay[br]with me at my house... 00:33:08.58,00:33:12.71 "they must remain a couple[br]for the duration of their visit. 00:33:12.79,00:33:18.22 I do not have enough beds[br]for couples to break up[br]while they visit me." 00:33:18.29,00:33:21.66 But sure enough,[br]for the next few nights... 00:33:21.73,00:33:25.72 my mother insisted on sleeping[br]on the pullout sofa in the living room. 00:33:25.80,00:33:28.06 And during one of those nights... 00:33:28.13,00:33:32.04 I got up about 3:30[br]in the morning to get a drink of water... 00:33:32.11,00:33:34.97 and I could hear the TV[br]going in the living room. 00:33:35.04,00:33:37.98 And my mother called out,[br]"Julie, come in here. 00:33:38.04,00:33:41.04 I'm watching[br]this incredible movie." 00:33:41.11,00:33:43.28 So I did go in there... 00:33:43.35,00:33:46.98 and I saw that she was watching[br]Nicholas Ray's n a Lonely Place... 00:33:47.05,00:33:50.51 which is one[br]of my favorite film noirs. 00:33:50.59,00:33:53.06 And I said, "Oh, Mom,[br]this is a great movie. 00:33:53.13,00:33:56.86 In fact, it has a great exchange[br]just about to come up." 00:33:56.93,00:34:02.27 Well, in n a Lonely Place,[br]Humphrey Bogart plays this[br]Hollywood writer... 00:34:02.34,00:34:05.17 who's suspected of killing[br]a young coat check girl. 00:34:05.24,00:34:07.83 And Gloria Grahame plays[br]this neighbor of his... 00:34:07.91,00:34:10.60 who ends up providing him[br]with an alibi. 00:34:10.68,00:34:13.04 Well, when Gloria Grahame[br]is in the police station... 00:34:13.11,00:34:17.14 the officer says to her,[br]"Why were you keeping an eye out[br]for this Bogart character?" 00:34:17.22,00:34:20.05 And she says,[br]"Because I like his face." 00:34:20.12,00:34:24.28 Well, later, when Bogart[br]has Gloria Grahame alone[br]in his apartment... 00:34:24.36,00:34:30.02 he looks into the mirror,[br]and he says, "Gee, how could[br]You like a face like this?" 00:34:30.10,00:34:34.33 And then he leans into her,[br]and she pulls back and says... 00:34:34.40,00:34:39.34 "I said I liked it.[br]I didn't say I wanted to kiss it." 00:34:39.41,00:34:41.34 [Audience Laughing] 00:34:41.41,00:34:44.47 So we watched this scene,[br]and we both really enjoyed it. 00:34:44.54,00:34:47.48 And my mother said,[br]"If I were her, I'd stay away from him... 00:34:47.55,00:34:51.35 because he obviously[br]has a terrible drinking problem." 00:34:51.42,00:34:54.48 And I said, "Well, actually,[br]she might wanna stay away from him... 00:34:54.55,00:34:57.49 because, you know,[br]he could've killed that coat check girl." 00:34:57.56,00:34:59.99 [Audience Laughing] 00:35:00.06,00:35:05.26 But I loved that, to my mother,[br]the drinking was really the bigger flag. 00:35:05.33,00:35:08.70 Well, after a few minutes,[br]my father came out. 00:35:08.77,00:35:12.33 And he said, "Hey, I know this movie.[br]This is a great movie. 00:35:12.41,00:35:15.37 And he sat down with us[br]and we all continued to watch it. 00:35:15.44,00:35:19.34 And a few minutes later,[br]Mike came out and[br]joined us on the sofa. 00:35:19.41,00:35:24.35 And at one point,[br]my mother reached over and[br]took Mike's hand and held it... 00:35:24.42,00:35:28.25 which is something[br]that Mike would never let her do. 00:35:28.32,00:35:31.35 And I flinched, and I almost said, "Mom." 00:35:31.42,00:35:35.05 But I was surprised[br]when Mike just let her. 00:35:35.13,00:35:38.03 Well, by the time the movie was over... 00:35:38.10,00:35:41.16 it was about 5:45 in the morning... 00:35:41.23,00:35:44.07 and the sun was just[br]starting to come out. 00:35:44.14,00:35:48.80 And the L.A. Times was tripping[br]across the front porch[br]and into the door. 00:35:48.88,00:35:53.54 And we all decided[br]that it was really too late[br]to try to go back to sleep... 00:35:53.61,00:35:56.81 that we'd just stay up[br]and make oatmeal and toast... 00:35:56.88,00:36:01.34 and wait for it to be time[br]to take Mike to radiation. 00:36:01.55,00:36:04.35 Well, in the middle of all of this... 00:36:04.59,00:36:06.72 all of these sleepless nights... 00:36:06.79,00:36:10.42 doctors' appointments[br]and the noodles with red topping... 00:36:10.50,00:36:13.09 the most wonderful thing happened. 00:36:13.17,00:36:17.36 My good friend David[br]came down from Aspen to visit me... 00:36:17.44,00:36:20.34 and he brought along[br]his brother Carl, and he introduced us. 00:36:20.41,00:36:23.17 And Carl and I immediately hit it off. 00:36:23.24,00:36:26.58 Carl went back to Pocatello, Idaho,[br]where he was living... 00:36:26.65,00:36:28.91 and we started talking[br]on the phone long-distance. 00:36:28.98,00:36:32.42 And I figured we were[br]pretty interested in each other. 00:36:32.49,00:36:34.42 This was a pretty big deal for me... 00:36:34.49,00:36:38.01 because Carl was[br]the first guy that I was[br]really, really attracted to... 00:36:38.09,00:36:41.15 since my divorce two years before. 00:36:41.23,00:36:45.03 Carl's enthusiasm is in bow hunting. 00:36:45.10,00:36:48.56 And even his job[br]is related to this passion. 00:36:48.63,00:36:54.23 And as a virtual vegetarian,[br]at least until my parents arrived... 00:36:54.31,00:36:57.57 and as a proud[br]volunteering member of PETA... 00:36:57.64,00:37:01.44 his expertise, naturally, disgusted me. 00:37:01.51,00:37:05.54 But at the same time,[br]I found it wildly sexy. 00:37:05.62,00:37:07.55 [Audience Laughing] 00:37:07.62,00:37:10.92 Carl and I would talk on the phone[br]late into the night... 00:37:10.99,00:37:14.79 and we would get into[br]these big ethical arguments[br]all about animal rights. 00:37:14.86,00:37:17.16 And then I would[br]hang up the phone and go to sleep... 00:37:17.23,00:37:22.22 and dream that he was running[br]after me in the woods naked with[br]nothing but a bow and arrow. 00:37:24.20,00:37:30.04 Plus, I figure that if you have[br]as dim a view of the future[br]of civilization as I have... 00:37:30.11,00:37:35.05 and believe it's all gonna[br]come crashing down in some sort[br]of post-apocalyptic nightmare... 00:37:35.11,00:37:38.05 Carl would be[br]a good choice as a mate. 00:37:38.12,00:37:41.05 [Audience Laughing] 00:37:41.12,00:37:45.11 Well, Carl and I continued[br]to talk on the phone. 00:37:45.19,00:37:48.65 And then in February,[br]he said he'd like[br]to come down for a visit. 00:37:48.73,00:37:50.66 Well, this was great. 00:37:50.73,00:37:55.03 I finally was gonna get[br]a guy into my cool,[br]girly bachelorette pad. 00:37:55.10,00:37:59.23 The only problem[br]was that my parents[br]were gonna be there. 00:37:59.31,00:38:02.90 I thought, oh, great.[br]I'm gonna have all the candles[br]lit in the living room... 00:38:02.98,00:38:04.94 and finger food[br]on the coffee table... 00:38:05.01,00:38:08.07 and Carl and I are gonna be[br]snuggled up on the sofa. 00:38:08.15,00:38:13.14 And my mother's[br]gonna walk in and say,[br]"Hey, what's on TV tonight?" 00:38:13.22,00:38:18.52 Or how am I gonna get[br]my father to clear off[br]the dining room table... 00:38:18.59,00:38:22.58 his 5,000-piece puzzle[br]of a map of Sarajevo... 00:38:22.66,00:38:25.96 that he got for his[br]$50 contribution to N.P. R... 00:38:26.03,00:38:27.97 [Audience Laughing] 00:38:28.03,00:38:31.87 so that I can pour some wine[br]and look into Carl's eyes... 00:38:31.94,00:38:34.67 deeper, deeper than ever before. 00:38:34.74,00:38:40.18 Well, what I didn't anticipate[br]was that my parents' presence... 00:38:40.25,00:38:42.87 would provide[br]this hotbed of titillation... 00:38:42.95,00:38:45.97 the likes of which[br]I never experienced before. 00:38:46.05,00:38:47.99 This is why. 00:38:48.05,00:38:51.22 My parents, you know,[br]they know I'm not a virgin. 00:38:51.29,00:38:53.22 I was married for five years. 00:38:53.29,00:38:55.23 But by the same token... 00:38:55.29,00:38:58.09 they're not gonna condone me[br]starting up a sexual[br]relationship with someone... 00:38:58.16,00:39:00.10 right under their noses. 00:39:00.17,00:39:02.57 On the other hand,[br]I'm an adult, and it is my house. 00:39:02.64,00:39:04.97 So it was kind[br]of a tricky situation. 00:39:05.04,00:39:07.97 And it basically meant[br]that Carl and I had to sneak around. 00:39:08.04,00:39:11.44 I hadn't had to sneak around[br]with a guy for about 16 years. 00:39:11.51,00:39:14.54 And I forgot how exciting that is. 00:39:14.61,00:39:17.74 [Audience Laughing] 00:39:17.82,00:39:21.98 Carl slept on the pullout sofa[br]out back in the office... 00:39:22.05,00:39:24.49 and I slept on the sofa[br]in the living room. 00:39:24.56,00:39:26.53 And we spent all of this time[br]around the family. 00:39:26.59,00:39:29.49 And then at night, I would go out[br]to say "good night" to Carl... 00:39:29.56,00:39:32.00 for, you know, about an hour. 00:39:32.06,00:39:35.00 Then I would come in[br]and sleep on the sofa in the living room... 00:39:35.07,00:39:37.83 and get up at 6:30 in the morning[br]and have coffee with my dad... 00:39:37.90,00:39:41.20 and go out to, uh, wake up Carl. 00:39:41.27,00:39:45.44 Carl and I found ourselves[br]playing footsie underneath[br]the dining room table. 00:39:45.51,00:39:48.28 And my mother was making all of these[br]traditional meals... 00:39:48.35,00:39:51.78 and saying things to us[br]like, "You two be sure[br]to be home at 6:00. 00:39:51.85,00:39:53.79 I'm making meat loaf." 00:39:53.85,00:39:58.69 And I suddenly felt like[br]this Catholic schoolgirl again[br]in a uniform... 00:39:58.76,00:40:01.23 and I found myself saying things like... 00:40:01.29,00:40:06.06 "Oh, my parents are so weird.[br]Let's go make out in the garage." 00:40:06.13,00:40:08.57 [Audience Laughing] 00:40:08.63,00:40:12.83 Well, one day[br]Carl and I spent time[br]at Will Rogers State Park. 00:40:12.91,00:40:16.43 And we got back to the house,[br]and there was nobody there. 00:40:16.51,00:40:20.74 And that was really unusual,[br]because there was always[br]someone at the house. 00:40:20.81,00:40:25.18 And we walked in, and I said,[br]"Oh, my God, Carl, we're all alone. 00:40:25.25,00:40:28.19 Get in the bedroom.[br]Take off your clothes. Now!" 00:40:28.25,00:40:30.19 And Carl said, "Oh, okay. 00:40:30.26,00:40:32.99 "But I just noticed[br]that your garbage cans[br]are empty down on the curb. 00:40:33.06,00:40:35.46 Do you want me[br]to move them up to[br]the side of the house first?" 00:40:35.53,00:40:39.06 And I said, "No. We don't know[br]how much time we have.[br]Get in the bedroom. 00:40:39.13,00:40:41.33 Take off your clothes. Now!" 00:40:41.40,00:40:44.67 So he did, and I did, and we did... 00:40:44.74,00:40:46.67 and it was wonderful. 00:40:46.74,00:40:48.67 And afterwards, we came back out[br]to the living room... 00:40:48.74,00:40:50.94 and Carl looked out[br]the front window, and he said... 00:40:51.01,00:40:56.00 "Julia, your... your garbage[br]cans, they've been moved up[br]to the side of the house." 00:40:56.08,00:41:00.18 And I said, "Really?"[br]And he said, "Yeah.[br]Who... Who would've done that?" 00:41:00.25,00:41:03.95 And I said, "I don't know.[br]I don't think... I don't think[br]my neighbors would do that. 00:41:04.02,00:41:06.79 And look, all of their[br]garbage cans are still empty[br]down on the curb." 00:41:06.86,00:41:11.66 And he said, "You don't think[br]that your parents came[br]back here and heard us... 00:41:11.73,00:41:13.96 "and got embarrassed[br]and decided to leave... 00:41:14.03,00:41:19.10 but before they left,[br]put the garbage cans up[br]by the side of the house?" 00:41:19.17,00:41:23.87 And I said, "Oh, no, no.[br]You know, my parents,[br]they're, you know, so naive. 00:41:23.94,00:41:26.94 And we weren't very loud,[br]or at least I don't think we were." 00:41:27.01,00:41:29.41 Well, the next day[br]the exact same thing happened. 00:41:29.48,00:41:32.88 Carl and I came back to[br]the house late in the afternoon.[br]There was nobody there. 00:41:32.95,00:41:37.41 I said, "Carl, I just wish[br]I knew how much time we had."[br]And Carl said, "Me too." 00:41:37.49,00:41:40.98 And just then, the phone rang.[br]And I answered it. It was my father. 00:41:41.06,00:41:43.82 And he said, "Hi, Julie. This is Dad. 00:41:43.90,00:41:47.06 "Listen, uh, your mother and I[br]are in Santa Monica... 00:41:47.13,00:41:49.07 "and, uh, we're heading home. 00:41:49.13,00:41:51.40 "And we just wanted to call[br]and let you know... 00:41:51.47,00:41:55.07 "that you should expect us in 45 minutes. 00:41:55.14,00:41:59.37 - [Audience Laughing][br]- [Inhales] 00:41:59.45,00:42:02.18 [Laughing] 00:42:02.38,00:42:06.18 Well, we were all[br]continuing to help Mike... 00:42:06.25,00:42:08.28 in all of his different therapies. 00:42:08.35,00:42:11.26 And he was doing really well... 00:42:11.32,00:42:14.32 with the exception[br]of the spinal tap chemos. 00:42:14.39,00:42:17.23 Mike had received so many[br]different spinal taps... 00:42:17.30,00:42:20.23 that scar tissue had built up[br]along his spinal column... 00:42:20.30,00:42:22.49 and they couldn't access it anymore. 00:42:22.57,00:42:26.94 So one day we were at UCLA[br]and Mike was on[br]the examination table. 00:42:27.01,00:42:29.60 And my brotherJim was there[br]and myself and my mother... 00:42:29.68,00:42:32.97 and my father, who was reading[br]a 50,000-word essay[br]in the New Yorker... 00:42:33.05,00:42:36.34 all about the plague in India,[br]You know, as a diversion. 00:42:36.42,00:42:42.15 And the doctor came in.[br]He said, "Mike, this is what I suggest. 00:42:42.22,00:42:45.68 "I think that we should put[br]a shunt into your forehead... 00:42:45.76,00:42:47.69 "which is a plastic opening... 00:42:47.76,00:42:52.06 so that we can put the chemo directly[br]into the cranial fluid." 00:42:52.13,00:42:55.33 So, you know, this was just awful. 00:42:55.40,00:42:57.34 And Mike immediately said... 00:42:57.40,00:43:00.37 "Listen, Doc, if you think[br]You're gonna put a faucet[br]into my forehead... 00:43:00.44,00:43:03.70 You might as well give me[br]a lobotomy at the same time." 00:43:03.78,00:43:08.15 And there was[br]this awkward pause,[br]and then my mother chimed in. 00:43:08.21,00:43:11.08 And she said,[br]"Oh, Mike, I don't think[br]it's like a faucet. 00:43:11.15,00:43:14.64 I think it's more like, uh... uh, a spigot." 00:43:14.72,00:43:16.59 [Audience Laughing] 00:43:18.66,00:43:22.46 And then I think even the doctor was[br]a little embarrassed. 00:43:22.53,00:43:25.59 And he said, "Well, Mike,[br]let me just tell you... 00:43:25.66,00:43:27.60 "that my patients who have the shunts... 00:43:27.67,00:43:30.73 well, they, uh... they love them." 00:43:30.80,00:43:33.97 - [Audience Laughing][br]- And Mike said, "Oh, they do, do they? 00:43:34.04,00:43:38.24 Well, then, by all means,[br]give me a shunt."[br]And Mike did get a shunt. 00:43:38.31,00:43:40.64 And after that, his refrain became... 00:43:40.71,00:43:44.98 "I love my shunt." 00:43:45.05,00:43:48.11 And whenever the doctor[br]would come into[br]the examination room... 00:43:48.19,00:43:50.12 he'd say, "How you doing, Mike?" 00:43:50.19,00:43:54.15 And Mike would say,[br]"I'm not doing too well, Doc,[br]but I'll tell you one thing. 00:43:54.23,00:43:56.59 I love my shunt." 00:43:56.66,00:43:58.60 [Audience Laughing] 00:43:58.66,00:44:02.00 And to just show you[br]how surreal things were getting... 00:44:02.07,00:44:06.47 at night, the whole family[br]would watch shows like[br]E.R. and Chicago Hope. 00:44:06.54,00:44:09.30 And whenever anyone[br]would come into[br]the emergency room... 00:44:09.38,00:44:12.57 Mike would yell out,[br]"Give them a shunt! 00:44:12.65,00:44:15.55 They need something to love!" 00:44:15.61,00:44:17.28 [Audience Laughing] 00:44:18.62,00:44:23.15 Well, what Mike said[br]that I was going to get[br]out of his illness... 00:44:23.22,00:44:25.59 was a fabulous doctor husband. 00:44:25.66,00:44:29.19 And we were always[br]scoping the hallways[br]for the cutest doctors. 00:44:29.26,00:44:33.22 And if a doctor treated Mike,[br]and he wasn't handsome[br]enough or single... 00:44:33.30,00:44:35.93 we always asked for a second opinion. 00:44:36.00,00:44:37.94 [Audience Laughing] 00:44:38.00,00:44:40.40 Well, one day while Mike[br]was getting chemo... 00:44:40.47,00:44:42.87 just to make conversation[br]with one of the nurses... 00:44:42.94,00:44:45.50 I said, "Do you know a good[br]gynecologist in town? 00:44:45.58,00:44:47.51 "Because I've just moved[br]out from New York... 00:44:47.58,00:44:49.67 and I need to get started[br]with someone new." 00:44:49.75,00:44:53.41 And she said that she did,[br]and she wrote down[br]his name and number for me. 00:44:53.49,00:44:55.42 I put it in my back pocket. 00:44:55.49,00:44:58.58 And when I got home,[br]instead of just[br]filing away the number... 00:44:58.66,00:45:02.29 because it was really months[br]before I needed to make[br]my annual exam... 00:45:02.36,00:45:05.06 I decided to call[br]and make an appointment. 00:45:05.13,00:45:07.36 And I went in. I was examined. 00:45:07.43,00:45:11.46 And about a week later,[br]my doctor called me.[br]And I was in my office. 00:45:11.54,00:45:15.17 And he said,[br]"Julia, we've gotten all[br]Your test results back. 00:45:15.24,00:45:20.01 And I'm sorry, but you have cancer." 00:45:20.08,00:45:23.14 And I said, "What?" 00:45:23.22,00:45:27.17 And he said, "Yeah, um,[br]You have cervical cancer... 00:45:27.25,00:45:30.92 and it appears to have[br]spread to your uterus[br]and to your fallopian tubes. 00:45:30.99,00:45:34.93 And I recommend that you get[br]a hysterectomy right away. 00:45:34.99,00:45:39.49 And I said, "What? That's impossible. 00:45:39.57,00:45:42.03 You know, uh,[br]my brother has cancer." 00:45:42.10,00:45:44.66 And he said,[br]"Oh, really? What kind?" 00:45:44.74,00:45:49.23 And I said, "Lymphoma."[br]And he said, "Well,[br]that's really unrelated." 00:45:49.31,00:45:51.64 And I said, "I know it's unrelated. 00:45:51.71,00:45:54.98 "I'm just saying this is just...[br]really bad timing. 00:45:55.05,00:45:57.14 "This is just like the worst. 00:45:57.22,00:46:00.67 I mean, couldn't it wait?"[br]And, obviously, it couldn't. 00:46:00.75,00:46:03.52 And so, I hung up the phone. 00:46:03.59,00:46:05.96 And I looked out[br]the windows in my office... 00:46:06.02,00:46:07.96 into the windows[br]at the back of the house. 00:46:08.03,00:46:10.79 And I could see my mother[br]in the kitchen, cooking... 00:46:10.86,00:46:13.83 and my father hovered over[br]the dining room table... 00:46:13.90,00:46:15.99 and Mike in my bedroom. 00:46:16.07,00:46:20.33 And as I crossed the backyard,[br]I actually considered[br]not telling them... 00:46:20.41,00:46:24.54 but I didn't know[br]how I was gonna hide[br]having a hysterectomy. 00:46:24.61,00:46:26.91 And so,[br]I went into the house... 00:46:26.98,00:46:29.38 and, you know, I told everybody. 00:46:29.45,00:46:31.71 And of course[br]they were devastated. 00:46:31.78,00:46:34.05 And Mike immediately said... 00:46:34.12,00:46:37.85 "Oh, you just couldn't[br]stand it, could you? 00:46:37.92,00:46:41.42 "It must have been hard[br]for you, being an actress... 00:46:41.49,00:46:46.99 - With me in the cancer spotlight all the time."[br]- [Audience Laughing] 00:46:47.07,00:46:51.70 And later, he said,[br]"You know, Jules, you just[br]got a little sympathy cancer." 00:46:51.77,00:46:54.07 And between Mike and me,[br]that was no joke. 00:46:54.14,00:46:57.54 We really felt like[br]I did have sympathy cancer. 00:46:57.61,00:47:01.91 Well, there I was having to lose[br]my reproductive organs. 00:47:01.98,00:47:05.54 And, you know,[br]I never had a child before. 00:47:05.62,00:47:07.55 And I guess I always[br]assumed I would someday. 00:47:07.62,00:47:10.09 I just hadn't chosen to[br]up until this time. 00:47:10.16,00:47:12.99 Now it looked like that[br]was gonna be impossible. 00:47:13.06,00:47:16.36 I guess I always thought[br]of my reproductive organs... 00:47:16.43,00:47:20.49 like this really great, shiny bike[br]that I had in the garage... 00:47:20.57,00:47:24.00 that I totally[br]was gonna ride someday. 00:47:24.07,00:47:27.87 But I'd just never taken[br]the opportunity to ride it yet. 00:47:27.94,00:47:30.74 Now someone[br]was stealing my bike. 00:47:30.81,00:47:34.97 On the other hand,[br]if you do have to have cancer... 00:47:35.05,00:47:38.81 You actually have an advantage[br]of having cancer[br]of a reproductive organ... 00:47:38.88,00:47:40.98 because you can simply take it out. 00:47:41.05,00:47:43.58 It's not like having cancer[br]of the liver or the lungs... 00:47:43.66,00:47:45.95 which are organs you need[br]for daily existence. 00:47:46.02,00:47:49.29 With a reproductive organ,[br]You can simply remove it... 00:47:49.36,00:47:51.30 which got me to thinking... 00:47:51.36,00:47:54.46 "What if you got cancer of the fat?" 00:47:54.53,00:47:56.47 [Audience Laughing] 00:47:56.54,00:47:59.80 And then you had to have[br]like this emergency liposuction. 00:47:59.87,00:48:02.03 And I mentioned that to my doctor... 00:48:02.11,00:48:06.10 and he told me[br]that actually some people[br]do get cancer of the fat. 00:48:06.18,00:48:11.28 Well, my doctor told me[br]to call the Cedars-Sinai[br]Comprehensive Cancer Center... 00:48:11.35,00:48:13.28 to make an appointment. 00:48:13.35,00:48:16.34 And when I did,[br]the receptionist was a little[br]less than accommodating. 00:48:16.42,00:48:20.12 She said, "Oh, yes, I have[br]Your name down here, Miss Weeney." 00:48:20.19,00:48:22.13 [Audience Laughing] 00:48:22.19,00:48:24.56 And I said, "Um, no, that's Sweeney." 00:48:24.63,00:48:26.56 And she said, "Yes, Miss Weeney." 00:48:26.63,00:48:29.10 And I said, "No, that's Sweeney." 00:48:29.17,00:48:32.60 And she said,[br]"That's a weird name. Weeney." 00:48:32.67,00:48:36.44 And I said, "No, it's not,[br]because it's Sweeney." 00:48:36.51,00:48:39.34 And she said, "Oh, yes,[br]I have you down here. 00:48:39.41,00:48:43.37 "Now, I'm very sorry, but[br]I cannot make an appointment[br]for you right now... 00:48:43.45,00:48:48.85 "because it turns out that[br]Your cancer is this very, very,[br]rare type of cervical cancer... 00:48:48.92,00:48:52.41 "and we have sent all[br]of your slides to the UCLA[br]pathology department... 00:48:52.49,00:48:55.62 where they are studying[br]that type of cancer there." 00:48:55.69,00:48:58.99 And I said,[br]"Oh. Well, that's interesting." 00:48:59.06,00:49:01.97 "Well, is there some way[br]that we can get those slides back... 00:49:02.03,00:49:06.06 so, you know,[br]I can make an appointment so[br]I can get rid of this cancer?" 00:49:06.14,00:49:10.73 And she said, "Well,[br]our courier service is[br]taking a very, very long time." 00:49:10.81,00:49:14.80 And, well, she really[br]couldn't predict when[br]the slides could be back. 00:49:14.88,00:49:18.11 And I said, "Well, certainly,[br]there must be something[br]that we can do... 00:49:18.18,00:49:20.48 to expedite this process." 00:49:20.55,00:49:22.49 And after a moment, she said... 00:49:22.55,00:49:27.12 "Well, I suppose if you'd[br]like to pick them up." 00:49:27.19,00:49:32.15 And I thought, I bet she's never[br]asked anyone else to pick up[br]their own slides ever. 00:49:32.23,00:49:35.83 But I said,[br]"Well, coincidentally... 00:49:35.90,00:49:38.96 "I will be at the UCLA[br]cancer center tomorrow. 00:49:39.04,00:49:44.00 I suppose I could hop over[br]to the pathology building[br]and pick up my slides." 00:49:44.08,00:49:48.98 And without seeming to blink[br]an eye or note the irony[br]in that statement, she agreed. 00:49:49.05,00:49:51.88 And the next day I left Mike[br]in the chemo lounge... 00:49:51.95,00:49:54.21 and I set about[br]to get my slides. 00:49:54.42,00:49:57.68 Well, the pathology[br]building at UCLA... 00:49:57.76,00:49:59.88 is this big eight-story building. 00:49:59.96,00:50:03.33 And it's not set up[br]to have any regular person walk into it. 00:50:03.40,00:50:06.02 I mean, there's no reception area. 00:50:06.10,00:50:09.33 There's no directory of doctors.[br]There's no nothing like that. 00:50:09.40,00:50:12.46 And I found myself[br]walking up and down the hallways... 00:50:12.54,00:50:16.97 and finally going through[br]these doors marked "Greens Only.[br]No public admittance." 00:50:17.04,00:50:20.44 And, in fact,[br]everyone was wearing[br]green lab wear and masks. 00:50:20.51,00:50:22.45 And the hallways were lined... 00:50:22.51,00:50:26.14 with what looked to me[br]like big tupperwares filled with lungs. 00:50:26.22,00:50:30.42 And I was just trying to get someone[br]to recognize me as an alien. 00:50:30.49,00:50:32.42 And finally, this woman did. 00:50:32.49,00:50:37.59 And I said,[br]"Yes, my name is Julia Sweeney.[br]I'm looking for my slides." 00:50:37.66,00:50:42.69 And she said, "Oh.[br]What research project[br]are you working on?" 00:50:42.77,00:50:47.14 And I said, "No research project.[br]They are just slides of me. 00:50:47.21,00:50:50.37 They're me. They're me."[br][Chuckles] 00:50:50.44,00:50:55.04 And she said,[br]"Oh. Nobody picks up[br]their own slides." 00:50:55.11,00:50:57.71 And I said, "Yeah,[br]that's what I thought." 00:50:57.78,00:51:00.05 And she looked[br]in this computer program... 00:51:00.12,00:51:04.35 and she said,[br]"Oh, your cancer is being[br]studied by Dr. Yao Fu. 00:51:04.42,00:51:06.82 and he's up on the eighth floor." 00:51:06.89,00:51:08.83 Well, I went up to the eighth floor... 00:51:08.89,00:51:10.83 and I found Dr. Fu's office door. 00:51:10.90,00:51:12.83 And I opened it. 00:51:12.90,00:51:15.03 It was like something[br]out of a movie set. 00:51:15.10,00:51:17.59 I mean, there were books[br]piled high to the ceiling... 00:51:17.67,00:51:21.44 and the Xerox machine[br]next to a filing cabinet[br]that was overflowing... 00:51:21.51,00:51:23.44 next to a microscope. 00:51:23.51,00:51:26.34 And peering over the microscope was Dr. Fu. 00:51:26.41,00:51:29.11 And I said, "Excuse me. Dr. Fu? 00:51:29.18,00:51:31.67 "Yes, um, my name is Julia Sweeney... 00:51:31.75,00:51:33.98 and I'm looking for my slides." 00:51:34.05,00:51:39.18 And he said,[br]"Oh, what research project[br]are you working on?" 00:51:39.26,00:51:42.39 And I said,[br]"No, uh, research project. 00:51:42.46,00:51:44.69 "You know, they're just slides of me. 00:51:44.76,00:51:47.63 They're me. They're slides of me." 00:51:47.70,00:51:52.26 - And he said, "Oh. Nobody[br]picks up their own slides."[br]- [Audience Laughing] 00:51:52.34,00:51:55.20 And I said, "I know."[br]He said, "Wait a minute. 00:51:55.27,00:51:58.47 You mean to tell me[br]that you have this cancer?" 00:51:58.54,00:52:00.48 I said, "Yes." 00:52:00.55,00:52:02.91 And he said,[br]"Wow! This is, uh, incredible. 00:52:02.98,00:52:07.54 "You know, I have been[br]studying this very rare type of[br]cervical cancer here at UCLA... 00:52:07.62,00:52:09.55 "for the last 20 years. 00:52:09.62,00:52:12.35 "You know, I look[br]at these profiles and I study these slides... 00:52:12.42,00:52:16.62 but I've never actually met someone[br]who had the cancer." 00:52:16.70,00:52:20.86 - And I said, "Oh, Dr. Fu, here I am."[br]- [Audience Laughing] 00:52:20.93,00:52:25.84 And he said, "Gosh, um,[br]well, very rare type of cervical cancer. 00:52:25.90,00:52:29.97 "Uh, only 50 diagnosed cases[br]that we know of so far[br]in the whole world. 00:52:30.04,00:52:32.98 And, uh, well, none of them have died." 00:52:33.04,00:52:36.41 And I said, "Oh, I feel so lucky." 00:52:36.48,00:52:39.71 And he said,[br]"Um, gosh, this is just incredible. 00:52:39.78,00:52:42.58 Do you mind if I take you out[br]for a cup of coffee?" 00:52:42.65,00:52:47.06 And I said, "No."[br]So we did go get a cup of coffee. 00:52:47.13,00:52:49.15 And while we were there,[br]at one point... 00:52:49.23,00:52:53.19 Dr. Fu took this torn[br]AT&T envelope out of his back pocket... 00:52:53.27,00:52:55.53 and he put it on the table. 00:52:55.60,00:52:58.36 And he drew[br]my reproductive organs on it. 00:52:58.44,00:53:01.67 And he kind of described to me[br]what was going to be happening. 00:53:01.74,00:53:06.07 And at one point, he said,[br]"Are you sad about losing your fertility?" 00:53:06.14,00:53:08.17 Only he said "fertirity." 00:53:08.25,00:53:10.74 [Audience Laughing] 00:53:10.82,00:53:13.31 And I said, "Yeah, I am sad about that... 00:53:13.39,00:53:16.32 but, you know, I rather live." 00:53:16.39,00:53:19.62 And he said, "Yes, living is better." 00:53:19.69,00:53:21.63 And we walked back to his office. 00:53:21.69,00:53:23.63 And on the way,[br]he even squeezed my arm... 00:53:23.70,00:53:25.82 and told me what[br]a wonderful time he'd had. 00:53:25.90,00:53:29.30 And it was really true.[br]We really had had the most[br]enjoyable afternoon. 00:53:29.37,00:53:34.81 And so I figure if I have[br]to be the kind of girl that they[br]ask to pick up her own slides... 00:53:34.87,00:53:38.04 when they would never[br]ask anyone else[br]to pick up their own slides... 00:53:38.11,00:53:42.44 and if I have to be[br]the kind of girl that they[br]always forget at Starbucks... 00:53:42.51,00:53:47.85 then at least I'm[br]the kind of girl who gets[br]to meet people like Dr. Fu. 00:53:48.09,00:53:51.58 A few days after this,[br]I decided to go see the late show... 00:53:51.76,00:53:53.69 of the movie Houseguest. 00:53:53.76,00:53:55.69 My good friend,[br]Phil Hartman, was in it. 00:53:55.76,00:53:58.70 And he's always so funny,[br]and I was gonna see him[br]the next week. 00:53:58.76,00:54:01.66 So I wanted to be able[br]to be sure to say[br]something really nice... 00:54:01.73,00:54:03.67 about his latest film. 00:54:03.74,00:54:08.54 And so I went, and afterwards, I was[br]in a really sour mood... 00:54:08.61,00:54:13.24 because, well, I had not[br]exactly accomplished my task. 00:54:13.31,00:54:17.34 And maybe also because I had cancer[br]and my brother had cancer... 00:54:17.42,00:54:19.35 and my parents[br]were living with me... 00:54:19.42,00:54:21.85 maybe that also contributed[br]a little bit to my bad mood. 00:54:21.92,00:54:26.29 But I came in the front door,[br]and Mike was lying on the sofa. 00:54:26.36,00:54:28.76 And he just didn't look very good. 00:54:28.83,00:54:30.76 He had his arms[br]crossed over his chest... 00:54:30.83,00:54:33.66 and he was looking up[br]at the ceiling, and his jaw was slacking. 00:54:33.73,00:54:36.72 And I said, "Mike.[br]Mike, how you doing?" 00:54:36.80,00:54:39.86 And Mike said, "Hey, Jules.[br]Actually, I'm feeling pretty good." 00:54:39.94,00:54:41.87 And I said, "Oh, great." 00:54:41.94,00:54:44.77 And I headed[br]towards the kitchen,[br]and my mother intercepted me. 00:54:44.84,00:54:46.78 And she said,[br]"Oh, how was Houseguest? 00:54:46.85,00:54:50.25 "I love that Sinbad.[br]I see him on TV. He's so funny. 00:54:50.32,00:54:52.25 "And your TV isn't working. 00:54:52.32,00:54:54.25 "The channels are out of sync[br]with the channels of the cable box. 00:54:54.32,00:54:57.48 "And I don't know how to fix it,[br]and I want to, because I have[br]a video I want to watch. 00:54:57.56,00:55:01.25 "And I'm making soup[br]in the kitchen, and the soup[br]is boiling over on the stove. 00:55:01.33,00:55:06.79 And really your father[br]could handle it, but he can't,[br]because he's been drinking." 00:55:06.87,00:55:11.03 - [Audience Laughing][br]- [Sighs] So I said, "Fine.[br]I'll go into the kitchen." 00:55:11.10,00:55:14.07 So I went in, and my dad said,[br]"Hey, how was Houseguest?" 00:55:14.14,00:55:16.47 And I said, "It was okay." 00:55:16.54,00:55:19.94 And he said, "That Phil Hartman is hilarious.[br]And I said, "Yes, he is." 00:55:20.01,00:55:23.00 And then my mother leaned[br]in the doorway and said,[br]"You're out of cat food. 00:55:23.08,00:55:27.35 There is no cat food."[br]And I said, "Oh. Okay." 00:55:27.42,00:55:29.61 And she said, "I would've[br]gotten some cat food for them... 00:55:29.69,00:55:31.62 "but I don't know what kind they like... 00:55:31.69,00:55:34.12 and you always get mad[br]when I get the wrong thing." 00:55:34.19,00:55:36.13 And I realized at this point[br]that Rita and Frank are underfoot... 00:55:36.19,00:55:38.86 and they're going,[br]"Meow! Meow! Meow!" 00:55:38.93,00:55:40.96 And I should tell you at this point... 00:55:41.03,00:55:42.97 that for me to have[br]my parents in my house... 00:55:43.03,00:55:47.33 always meant that[br]every audio device available[br]was always on in the house. 00:55:47.41,00:55:51.07 The radio's on in the kitchen.[br]The stereo's on in the dining room. 00:55:51.14,00:55:54.48 The TV's on in the living room.[br]And there's not a lot of space[br]in between those places. 00:55:54.55,00:55:57.14 And now the cats are going,[br]"Meow! Meow! Meow! 00:55:57.22,00:56:00.48 So I said, "Fine.[br]I'll go to the grocery store." 00:56:00.55,00:56:02.49 So I went to Pavillions. 00:56:02.55,00:56:07.69 And, you know, they were having[br]this sale on Friskies, like 3 for 89... 00:56:07.76,00:56:09.69 so I decided to get a bunch. 00:56:09.76,00:56:12.16 And I was standing in line and... 00:56:12.23,00:56:17.03 You know, when you're[br]in the grocery store[br]at midnight on a Friday night... 00:56:17.10,00:56:19.76 buying $15.00 worth of cat food... 00:56:19.84,00:56:23.21 as a single woman in her mid-30s... 00:56:23.27,00:56:25.37 well, that's a special feeling. 00:56:25.44,00:56:28.28 [Audience Laughing] 00:56:28.35,00:56:32.37 So, I got the cat food and I went home. 00:56:32.45,00:56:35.78 And while I was gone,[br]my father had put dry food[br]into the cat food bowls... 00:56:35.85,00:56:37.82 but it's the dry food that my cats hate. 00:56:37.89,00:56:39.82 So I picked it up to throw it out... 00:56:39.89,00:56:41.83 and my father grabbed[br]the other side of the bowl, and[br]he said, "Don't throw it out. 00:56:41.89,00:56:43.83 We're gonna save it[br]in the Tupperware." 00:56:43.90,00:56:46.13 And I see that he has[br]this little Tupperware bowl[br]behind him. 00:56:46.20,00:56:48.89 And I say, "This is[br]the kind they hate.[br]I was just gonna throw it out." 00:56:48.97,00:56:50.90 He says, "No, we're gonna[br]save it in the Tupperware." 00:56:50.97,00:56:53.63 And I say, "Really, I'm[br]just gonna throw caution[br]to the wind and throw it out." 00:56:53.71,00:56:55.64 And he says,[br]"You shouldn't waste it.[br]Save it in the Tupperware." 00:56:55.71,00:56:57.64 And I said, "Even if I was[br]gonna save it, I wouldn't[br]save it in the Tupperware." 00:56:57.71,00:57:01.41 Of course the cat food bowl goes[br]flying into the air, and all[br]the cat food goes everywhere... 00:57:01.48,00:57:04.94 including into the soup[br]that is boiling over on the stove. 00:57:05.02,00:57:08.18 And at this very moment,[br]the phone rings, and I grab it. 00:57:08.25,00:57:12.25 And it's my sister Meg[br]calling from Japan, and she's upset. 00:57:12.32,00:57:14.45 And she says,[br]"Thank God you answered. 00:57:14.53,00:57:18.93 "Mom and Dad sent me a letter,[br]demanding that I pay them back[br]the 48 dollars... 00:57:19.00,00:57:20.93 "that I charged onto their Visa bill... 00:57:21.00,00:57:23.99 "for the subscriptions[br]to the National Geographic[br]magazine... 00:57:24.07,00:57:26.16 "that I gave everybody for Christmas. 00:57:26.24,00:57:30.00 "And they want me[br]to pay them back[br]before they get their bill. 00:57:30.07,00:57:34.60 "So I wrote them a check[br]for a hundred dollars. 00:57:34.68,00:57:36.61 "And I am putting a note with it... 00:57:36.68,00:57:40.67 that says I don't want to have[br]any more dealings with you." 00:57:40.75,00:57:43.69 [Audience Laughing] 00:57:43.76,00:57:47.09 And I was thinking,[br]You already live in Japan. 00:57:47.16,00:57:50.49 - How much less can you[br]have to do with them?[br]- [Audience Laughing] 00:57:50.56,00:57:53.90 And I just love[br]that I not only get[br]to be one of the recipients... 00:57:53.97,00:57:56.49 of the gift of the National Geographic[br]subscription... 00:57:56.57,00:58:01.44 I get to also know about all[br]of the trauma and subterfuge[br]around the paying for it. 00:58:01.51,00:58:03.60 Well, then my mother walked in... 00:58:03.68,00:58:06.34 and she just started[br]talking to me, even[br]though I was on the phone... 00:58:06.41,00:58:08.44 which is something she does. 00:58:08.51,00:58:10.45 And she said... 00:58:10.52,00:58:15.78 "Julie, have you heard[br]of a place called[br]the House of Blues? 00:58:15.85,00:58:17.91 "Everybody's talking... 00:58:17.99,00:58:21.72 "about the House of Blues. 00:58:21.79,00:58:23.73 "I love Blues. 00:58:23.80,00:58:26.26 "I love Blues and Gospel. 00:58:26.33,00:58:28.49 That's because I love Gershwin." 00:58:28.57,00:58:31.40 [Audience Laughing] 00:58:31.47,00:58:33.94 Now... 00:58:34.01,00:58:37.77 ten years ago[br]if my mother would have[br]said something like that to me... 00:58:37.84,00:58:40.40 I would have pointed out to her[br]that Gospel was not Gershwin... 00:58:40.48,00:58:42.95 but that they did share[br]the same first letter. 00:58:43.01,00:58:44.95 [Audience Laughing] 00:58:45.02,00:58:49.21 But now when my mother[br]says things like that to me,[br]I just go, "Uh-huh." 00:58:49.29,00:58:51.72 [Laughing] 00:58:51.79,00:58:55.52 My parents have[br]these friends, the Pasbys. 00:58:55.59,00:58:58.12 And they're really[br]good old friends of theirs. 00:58:58.20,00:59:00.96 In fact, Bob Pasby[br]was the best man at their wedding. 00:59:01.03,00:59:03.80 And they just love them.[br]And they live in Palm Springs. 00:59:03.87,00:59:06.80 And sometimes my parents[br]would go out there to visit them. 00:59:06.87,00:59:10.17 And to give you an idea[br]of Bob Pasby's personality... 00:59:10.24,00:59:13.37 once when he and his wife[br]came to L.A. to visit us... 00:59:13.44,00:59:16.24 and we all went out[br]for breakfast at 9:00[br]in the morning at Canter's... 00:59:16.31,00:59:18.81 and he ordered a boilermaker...[br][Snickers] 00:59:18.88,00:59:24.05 And he said,[br]"Just trying to level the playing field." 00:59:24.42,00:59:27.76 Well, my parents[br]went out to Palm Springs[br]to visit their friends... 00:59:27.99,00:59:32.66 and that left Mike and I[br]alone in the house,[br]both of us having cancer. 00:59:32.73,00:59:36.76 Well, we immediately[br]started answering the phone,[br]"House of Cancer." 00:59:36.83,00:59:38.77 And we wanted to put[br]a sign out front... 00:59:38.84,00:59:41.70 that said, "International[br]House of Cancer." 00:59:41.77,00:59:44.14 And if anything wasn't[br]working in the house... 00:59:44.21,00:59:46.44 or even if a tree was a little droopy[br]out front... 00:59:46.51,00:59:49.78 we'd say, "Gosh, maybe[br]the tree has cancer." 00:59:49.85,00:59:51.78 And my black cat, Rita... 00:59:51.85,00:59:55.48 started to inexplicably[br]lose all of the hair[br]on her back and on her sides. 00:59:55.55,01:00:00.05 And we started thinking,[br]"Oh, no. Now Rita has cancer." 01:00:00.12,01:00:04.36 But we took Rita to the vet,[br]and the vet couldn't explain[br]why that was happening. 01:00:06.40,01:00:08.56 A couple of weeks before this,[br]Mike had had a port put[br]into his abdomen... 01:00:08.63,01:00:11.43 so that we could pump[br]nourishment directly[br]into his stomach... 01:00:11.50,01:00:15.80 because he was having such[br]a hard time digesting food. 01:00:15.87,01:00:18.27 And this was working[br]pretty well... 01:00:18.34,01:00:21.21 but during this time[br]that we were alone together... 01:00:21.28,01:00:24.48 one night he suddenly started[br]having a reaction to it. 01:00:24.55,01:00:27.64 And he started throwing up[br]and throwing up... 01:00:27.72,01:00:30.62 and it didn't look like[br]there was any end in sight. 01:00:30.69,01:00:33.25 And Mike was really reluctant[br]to go to the hospital. 01:00:33.32,01:00:37.95 I mean, he would just wait[br]until the very last second to go. 01:00:38.03,01:00:40.55 But eventually,[br]at 3:00 in the morning... 01:00:40.63,01:00:44.90 we both agreed that he just had[br]to go to Emergency. 01:00:44.97,01:00:48.13 So we got into the car[br]to make that long, long drive... 01:00:48.21,01:00:51.20 down Beverly Boulevard[br]to Santa Monica Boulevard... 01:00:51.28,01:00:54.21 to Wilshire Boulevard[br]to Westwood. 01:00:54.28,01:00:56.44 And when you're driving at that time... 01:00:56.51,01:00:58.61 there is nobody else on the road... 01:00:58.68,01:01:03.71 and L.A. really becomes[br]the desert that it was always meant to be. 01:01:03.79,01:01:06.69 Well, Mike was sitting[br]in the passenger seat... 01:01:06.76,01:01:08.95 trying not to throw up in the car... 01:01:09.03,01:01:11.39 and he was wearing[br]his Reservoir Dogs T-shirt... 01:01:11.46,01:01:13.99 which was worn thin[br]and stained by then. 01:01:14.07,01:01:18.02 And I was driving and thinking,[br]"Now I have cancer too." 01:01:18.10,01:01:22.73 And at one point, Mike said,[br]"What did I do to deserve this?" 01:01:22.81,01:01:25.07 And that was really unusual. 01:01:25.14,01:01:27.63 Mike just never asked "why." 01:01:27.71,01:01:31.88 And I said, "Mike,[br]no one would deserve this. No one." 01:01:31.95,01:01:36.41 And Mike said, "Yeah, even Christ[br]only suffered for a day." 01:01:36.49,01:01:39.46 Well, we got to Emergency... 01:01:39.52,01:01:42.36 and they could see that Mike[br]was really dehydrated. 01:01:42.43,01:01:45.73 But all of the veins[br]in his arms were exhausted... 01:01:45.80,01:01:50.36 so they were trying to get[br]this needle in up over his ear[br]to get a saline solution in. 01:01:50.44,01:01:54.46 And he was continuing[br]to throw up, so it was making it[br]very difficult... 01:01:54.54,01:01:57.57 and I was looking[br]in the doorway at this. 01:01:57.64,01:02:01.67 And just to show you[br]what a wonderfully dark[br]sense of humor Mike had... 01:02:01.75,01:02:04.58 in even the most horrific[br]of circumstances... 01:02:04.65,01:02:07.35 he turned to me[br]at this point and said... 01:02:07.42,01:02:09.55 "Hey, I guess it's not so funny... 01:02:09.62,01:02:13.28 - Now that you have cancer too, huh?"[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:02:13.36,01:02:15.95 And I looked at Mike like... 01:02:16.03,01:02:20.05 "Yeah, normally, Mike,[br]I'd be laughing my ass off[br]at you right now." 01:02:20.13,01:02:24.09 Well, Mike was hydrated,[br]and he came back home. 01:02:24.17,01:02:26.97 And our parents came back,[br]and he got better. 01:02:27.04,01:02:29.44 And then he got worse,[br]and then he got better... 01:02:29.51,01:02:31.44 and then he got worse. 01:02:31.51,01:02:35.45 And then he'd get a little[br]bit better, and then he got[br]worse and worse and worse. 01:02:35.51,01:02:39.68 And sometimes I'd find[br]my father alone, crying. 01:02:39.75,01:02:45.16 And it was around this time[br]that the family made this[br]nonverbal shift in our hopes. 01:02:45.22,01:02:47.85 And we stopped praying[br]for Mike to get better... 01:02:47.93,01:02:52.56 and we started to pray[br]for an end to his suffering. 01:02:52.63,01:02:55.86 Then my mother started to talk[br]about Mike possibly dying... 01:02:55.93,01:02:58.49 and going to heaven. 01:02:58.57,01:03:00.80 Heaven. 01:03:00.87,01:03:03.24 Oh, that word! 01:03:03.31,01:03:06.17 It reminded me of when[br]I was a junior in high school... 01:03:06.24,01:03:09.18 and I was taught religion class[br]by Father Fitterer. 01:03:09.25,01:03:11.34 And he was a Jesuit... 01:03:11.42,01:03:16.61 and he introduced the first,[br]existential-like ideas into my head. 01:03:16.69,01:03:20.21 And one day in religion class,[br]Father Fitterer said... 01:03:20.29,01:03:23.12 "Perhaps heaven is an instant. 01:03:23.19,01:03:25.82 "Perhaps if there was[br]no time after death... 01:03:25.90,01:03:28.49 "heaven is just that light[br]at the end of the tunnel... 01:03:28.57,01:03:32.56 "with that great moment[br]of awareness, and then[br]it's just like that. 01:03:32.64,01:03:34.73 Heaven is an instant." 01:03:34.81,01:03:39.07 And while this idea[br]might sound very simple[br]to you and me... 01:03:39.14,01:03:42.44 at the time for me,[br]it was mind-boggling. 01:03:42.51,01:03:47.14 And I could hardly wait[br]to share it with someone,[br]and I wanted to tell my mother. 01:03:47.22,01:03:51.55 Well, I got back to the house,[br]and I couldn't find my mother anywhere... 01:03:51.62,01:03:55.56 and finally I found her[br]in the back bathroom[br]Comet-ing out the tub. 01:03:55.63,01:03:59.62 And I said,[br]"Mom, Father Fitterer said[br]that heaven is an instant." 01:03:59.70,01:04:02.46 And she stood up[br]and said, "What?" 01:04:02.53,01:04:06.70 And I said, "Yeah, Father[br]Fitterer said that, you know,[br]if there's no time after death... 01:04:06.77,01:04:10.30 "maybe heaven is just that light[br]at the end of the tunnel[br]and then it's just like that. 01:04:10.37,01:04:12.37 Heaven is an instant." 01:04:12.44,01:04:15.14 And my mother,[br]with the Comet in one hand... 01:04:15.21,01:04:18.98 took the other hand[br]and slapped me across the cheek. 01:04:19.05,01:04:23.58 And I could never understand why[br]she would have that reaction. 01:04:23.65,01:04:28.82 But maybe you don't walk[br]into the bathroom[br]of a Catholic mother of five... 01:04:28.89,01:04:33.33 who's Comet-ing out the tub[br]and tell her that heaven is an instant. 01:04:33.40,01:04:35.73 [Audience Laughing] 01:04:39.14,01:04:42.07 Well, it was really important[br]for my parents... 01:04:42.14,01:04:44.40 that Mike receive the last rites. 01:04:44.48,01:04:47.64 I was actually opposed to this[br]because I didn't want[br]to send Mike a signal... 01:04:47.71,01:04:50.48 that we didn't think[br]he was going to make it. 01:04:50.55,01:04:53.31 But my parents' wishes[br]prevailed, and one afternoon... 01:04:53.38,01:04:55.98 when I was spending time[br]with Mike alone in the hospital... 01:04:56.05,01:04:58.02 and he was actually having[br]a pretty good day... 01:04:58.09,01:05:00.06 and we were playing[br]this game of Scrabble... 01:05:00.12,01:05:03.06 in came Father Sullivan[br]in his Roman collar... 01:05:03.13,01:05:06.22 clearly there to give Mike[br]the last rites. 01:05:06.30,01:05:08.66 And Mike, being Mike... 01:05:08.73,01:05:12.43 - Immediately asked him for his card.[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:05:12.50,01:05:15.47 - Started quizzing him on his credentials.[br]- [Cello] 01:05:15.54,01:05:20.81 And Father Sullivan said,[br]"Mike, you're just going to have[br]to take it on faith this time." 01:05:20.88,01:05:23.14 And so there,[br]over the Scrabble board... 01:05:23.21,01:05:25.55 Mike received the last rites. 01:05:25.62,01:05:29.48 And after Father Sullivan left,[br]Mike turned to me, and he said... 01:05:29.55,01:05:32.28 "You know, Mom and Dad sent him." 01:05:32.36,01:05:36.02 And I said, "Oh, I know. I'm... I'm sorry." 01:05:36.09,01:05:40.50 And Mike said,[br]"No, actually, that was...[br]that was kind of cool." 01:05:40.56,01:05:43.53 Well, Mike continued to decline... 01:05:43.60,01:05:47.13 and eventually his organs[br]started to go one by one. 01:05:47.20,01:05:50.57 But he just kept on ticking,[br]and the doctor said[br]he would for a while. 01:05:50.64,01:05:53.08 He had the heart and lungs[br]of a 31-year-old male... 01:05:53.14,01:05:55.74 and he was just going to[br]keep on going a bit. 01:05:55.81,01:05:58.44 But eventually, even the doctors[br]couldn't explain... 01:05:58.52,01:06:00.75 why Mike was still alive. 01:06:00.82,01:06:03.29 And eventually,[br]one doctor suggested that... 01:06:03.35,01:06:05.82 perhaps it was just[br]psychological at this point. 01:06:05.89,01:06:10.26 Maybe Mike just wasn't[br]emotionally ready to go. 01:06:10.33,01:06:13.35 So they sent this therapist in[br]to talk to Mike... 01:06:13.43,01:06:16.26 and she sat in a chair[br]next to his hospital bed... 01:06:16.33,01:06:18.27 and she said, "Mike... 01:06:18.34,01:06:21.79 "I want you to visualize[br]that you're on a trampoline right now. 01:06:21.87,01:06:26.10 "And imagine yourself[br]going up and down... 01:06:26.18,01:06:28.61 "and up and down... 01:06:28.68,01:06:33.01 "and really feel yourself[br]going up and down. 01:06:33.08,01:06:38.55 And now I want you to imagine[br]just jumping off to the side a little bit." 01:06:38.62,01:06:42.42 - [Ceases][br]- And, a few hours later, Mike died. 01:06:52.10,01:06:55.40 You know,[br]I just hope that, for Mike... 01:06:55.47,01:06:59.24 finally giving up[br]all control meant that[br]he ultimately gained some. 01:07:01.41,01:07:04.44 Well, three days[br]after Mike passed away... 01:07:04.52,01:07:07.28 I was scheduled for my hysterectomy. 01:07:07.35,01:07:10.91 And I sincerely wanted[br]my parents to just go back home. 01:07:10.99,01:07:13.22 I just figured that we were all so sick... 01:07:13.29,01:07:16.28 of being around people who were sick. 01:07:16.36,01:07:18.29 But they insisted on staying... 01:07:18.36,01:07:21.30 and I found myself saying[br]the strangest things, like... 01:07:21.37,01:07:23.53 "My friends who've had[br]hysterectomies didn't have to have... 01:07:23.60,01:07:26.43 - Their parents there with them."[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:07:26.50,01:07:30.13 "They got to have[br]their hysterectomies on their own." 01:07:30.21,01:07:33.73 But my parents demanded[br]to stay, and so they did. 01:07:33.81,01:07:36.75 And I went into Cedars-Sinai[br]for about five days. 01:07:36.81,01:07:41.48 And during one of those days,[br]my father sat in this chair[br]across from my hospital bed... 01:07:41.55,01:07:44.52 and for 12 hours, he just stared at me. 01:07:44.59,01:07:46.82 He didn't read. He didn't watch TV. 01:07:46.89,01:07:50.55 He didn't even listen to the radio.[br]He just stared at me. 01:07:50.63,01:07:55.83 - And I was so glad[br]to be on the morphine.[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:07:55.90,01:07:58.77 After my surgery,[br]the doctor came into[br]the recovery room... 01:07:58.84,01:08:01.86 And he said, "Julia,[br]the operation was a big success. 01:08:01.94,01:08:04.81 "We were able to get out all[br]the tumor that we could see. 01:08:04.88,01:08:07.40 "We were able to save[br]Your ovaries, which is[br]a very good thing... 01:08:07.48,01:08:11.35 "because your ovaries emit[br]these hormones which you need. 01:08:11.42,01:08:15.22 "But we're going to recommend[br]that you get about nine weeks[br]of radiation... 01:08:15.29,01:08:17.91 "and this could adversely affect[br]Your ovaries. 01:08:17.99,01:08:20.72 "So we took the opportunity[br]while we were in there... 01:08:20.79,01:08:24.16 "to move your ovaries up[br]about a foot and a half... 01:08:24.23,01:08:27.16 "from their original position,[br]so that they'd be... 01:08:27.23,01:08:30.29 out of the rays of the radiation." 01:08:30.37,01:08:34.33 - So I said, "Okay."[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:08:34.41,01:08:39.07 And he said, "Don't worry.[br]Your ovaries can work[br]from wherever they are." 01:08:39.14,01:08:41.63 And I said, "Okay." 01:08:41.71,01:08:44.04 And he said,[br]"Now, the other good thing[br]about keeping your ovaries... 01:08:44.12,01:08:48.71 "is that if you are interested[br]in having a biological child[br]one day, you still can. 01:08:48.79,01:08:52.31 "We can go in and extract[br]some eggs, and you can[br]mix them with sperm... 01:08:52.39,01:08:56.16 and then have[br]a surrogate mother have[br]the child for you." 01:08:56.23,01:08:58.96 So, you know,[br]I was taking all of this in... 01:08:59.03,01:09:03.40 and I thought, "Oh, great.[br]Now I have to meet[br]a guy and a girl!" 01:09:03.47,01:09:06.37 [Audience Laughing] 01:09:08.57,01:09:13.27 Then he said, "If you really are[br]interested in having[br]a biological child one day... 01:09:13.34,01:09:15.81 "I should tell you that[br]the radiation could still... 01:09:15.88,01:09:18.71 "adversely affect your ovaries,[br]even in their new position. 01:09:18.78,01:09:21.75 "So I would recommend[br]that we go in now. 01:09:21.82,01:09:24.98 We could harvest about 12 eggs." 01:09:25.06,01:09:29.32 - I was thinking, "Why 12?[br]'Cause they're eggs?"[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:09:29.39,01:09:32.29 And he said,[br]"We can harvest these 12 eggs. 01:09:32.36,01:09:35.73 "The only problem is,[br]we don't have[br]the medical technology... 01:09:35.80,01:09:38.10 "to just hold onto[br]these eggs by themselves. 01:09:38.17,01:09:42.13 "They have to be fertilized[br]first, and then we can freeze[br]them for up to five years. 01:09:42.21,01:09:45.20 "So basically, if we do do this,[br]You have to know... 01:09:45.28,01:09:49.21 who your sperm donor's[br]going to be... now." 01:09:49.28,01:09:53.98 So I said, "Oh. Uh, okay. Uh, hmm. 01:09:54.05,01:09:58.28 - "Well, I have been dating[br]someone for a couple of months.[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:09:58.36,01:10:00.98 "I don't know if now[br]is the exact moment to say to Carl... 01:10:01.06,01:10:03.25 "the next time he comes into town... 01:10:03.33,01:10:05.42 "'Hey, before we go to the movie[br]on Friday night... 01:10:05.50,01:10:08.76 - "'why not fertilize all my eggs?[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:10:08.83,01:10:12.73 You know, in case things[br]work out between us."' 01:10:12.80,01:10:17.97 So I said, "How many[br]different sperm donor people[br]could I have?" 01:10:18.04,01:10:21.27 And he said, "Well, I'm not[br]gonna allow 12 start-up costs." 01:10:21.35,01:10:23.28 And I said, "No, no.[br]I understand that... 01:10:23.35,01:10:27.22 but how many sperm donor people[br]could I have?" 01:10:27.28,01:10:29.95 And he said, "I don't know. Six." 01:10:30.02,01:10:34.79 - So I got out my address book,[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:10:34.86,01:10:37.09 and I thought,[br]"Okay, what are the criteria? 01:10:37.16,01:10:39.29 "The criteria are, uh... 01:10:39.36,01:10:42.82 somebody who I know[br]whose number I have," 01:10:42.90,01:10:45.39 [Audience Laughing] 01:10:45.47,01:10:49.20 "who I think I could possibly[br]fall in love with one day... 01:10:49.27,01:10:52.61 "and not only fall in love with[br]them, I would want to spend[br]many, many years with them. 01:10:52.68,01:10:56.04 "And not only spend many years[br]with them, I would want[br]to raise a child with them. 01:10:56.11,01:10:59.67 "And not only raise a child[br]with them, it would have to be[br]our biological child. 01:10:59.75,01:11:02.74 "And then we would hire[br]some woman to have this child... 01:11:02.82,01:11:06.05 and now, who fits that description?" 01:11:06.12,01:11:09.58 Well, needless to say,[br]I decided not to do that. 01:11:09.66,01:11:13.10 I came home from the hospital,[br]and there my parents were... 01:11:13.16,01:11:15.46 eager to help me in any way they could. 01:11:15.53,01:11:17.59 And I was in[br]a tremendous amount of pain... 01:11:17.67,01:11:22.07 And I tried very hard not to take[br]the prescription painkillers... 01:11:22.14,01:11:24.80 that my physicians[br]had prescribed for me. 01:11:24.88,01:11:29.18 I just figured if I could endure[br]the pain on my own... 01:11:29.25,01:11:32.55 and if I could do the thing[br]where you visualize the pain... 01:11:32.62,01:11:35.41 and then encompass it[br]and transcend it... 01:11:35.49,01:11:39.48 I would really enjoy[br]those Percodan a lot more later[br]with a margarita. 01:11:39.56,01:11:41.05 [Audience Laughing] 01:11:42.39,01:11:47.66 Now, after you have[br]a hysterectomy, or, really,[br]any abdominal surgery... 01:11:47.73,01:11:50.10 the name of the game is[br]to have fluids running[br]through your body. 01:11:50.17,01:11:52.97 I mean, you have to drink[br]all this liquid, and go[br]to the bathroom all the time... 01:11:53.04,01:11:56.06 and keep these charts about it,[br]and it's just awful. 01:11:56.14,01:11:58.57 And one day,[br]I was in the bathroom,[br]and my mother was... 01:11:58.64,01:12:01.41 on the other side[br]of the closed door,[br]and she leaned in and said... 01:12:01.48,01:12:04.78 [In High Voice][br]"Julie, did you go yet?" 01:12:04.85,01:12:07.25 And I said, "Yeah." 01:12:07.32,01:12:11.15 - And she said, "Good girl!"[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:12:11.22,01:12:13.92 And as I was sitting there[br]on the toilet, I thought... 01:12:13.99,01:12:17.29 "You know, I think this is[br]my lowest moment." 01:12:17.36,01:12:19.39 [Audience Laughing] 01:12:19.46,01:12:22.40 Well, I was finally able[br]to persuade my parents... 01:12:22.47,01:12:24.63 to just go back home. 01:12:24.70,01:12:26.83 I was able to do this partially because... 01:12:26.90,01:12:30.40 my good friend David,[br]the one who'd introduced me[br]to his brother Carl... 01:12:30.47,01:12:35.04 had decided to come down[br]from Aspen to help see me[br]through the radiation process. 01:12:35.11,01:12:40.18 And so my parents[br]packed up their bags[br]and loaded up the car, and... 01:12:40.25,01:12:43.41 You know, my parents, for me,[br]have always been... 01:12:43.49,01:12:48.29 either a source of comedy[br]or a reason to be in therapy. 01:12:48.36,01:12:52.66 And I've always thought of them[br]as kind of wacky and provincial... 01:12:52.73,01:12:56.36 and I always jumped on[br]the dysfunctional-family bandwagon... 01:12:56.43,01:12:59.03 but it wasn't until that year... 01:12:59.10,01:13:01.26 when the shit really hit the fan... 01:13:01.34,01:13:05.33 that I saw how ultimately[br]functional they really were. 01:13:05.41,01:13:09.18 And when I think of[br]the hundreds of images[br]that I now have in my head... 01:13:09.25,01:13:13.51 of my father filling out[br]Social Security forms[br]late into the night... 01:13:13.58,01:13:17.08 or of my mother whipping up[br]Jell-O for Mike in the kitchen... 01:13:17.15,01:13:20.61 or each of them taking[br]one of Mike's arms[br]when he was too weak... 01:13:20.69,01:13:23.35 to walk to the car by himself. 01:13:23.43,01:13:25.79 And I think of how horrible[br]that must have been... 01:13:25.86,01:13:28.33 to have brought a child into this world... 01:13:28.40,01:13:31.96 only to have to[br]help him out of it again. 01:13:32.04,01:13:34.33 And as the Toyota drove away... 01:13:34.41,01:13:37.57 I realized that my feelings[br]for them had deepened so much. 01:13:38.68,01:13:41.64 Well, David moved[br]into the guest room... 01:13:41.71,01:13:44.68 for the big[br]radiation extravaganza. 01:13:44.75,01:13:47.58 And every morning at 8:45,[br]we'd go to Cedars-Sinai... 01:13:47.65,01:13:50.31 so I could get my radiation. 01:13:50.39,01:13:52.48 And, you know,[br]David would wait for me[br]in the waiting room... 01:13:52.56,01:13:54.82 just like I had done for Mike. 01:13:54.89,01:13:58.12 And I'm sure I had[br]an oddly amused expression[br]on my face when I came out... 01:13:58.20,01:14:01.29 and then our eyes would meet[br]and we'd laugh[br]that little laugh, like... 01:14:01.37,01:14:03.53 "How weird is this?" 01:14:03.60,01:14:07.04 And it was so strange[br]to suddenly be on the other side[br]of this experience... 01:14:07.10,01:14:09.30 that I just had with Mike. 01:14:09.37,01:14:12.21 It almost felt like[br]we were square dancing. 01:14:13.48,01:14:16.07 One morning I woke up... 01:14:16.15,01:14:18.17 and when you have someone[br]pass away... 01:14:18.25,01:14:20.74 who's as close to you[br]as Mike was to me... 01:14:20.82,01:14:23.25 it's almost as if the synapses[br]in your brain... 01:14:23.32,01:14:25.35 don't all get the message[br]all at once. 01:14:25.42,01:14:27.89 And especially in[br]that moment of waking... 01:14:27.96,01:14:31.42 it's like you forget,[br]and then something has to remind you... 01:14:31.50,01:14:33.43 that they've died. 01:14:33.50,01:14:37.59 And one morning I woke up[br]and I walked down the hallway... 01:14:37.67,01:14:40.07 and my eye caught this glimpse[br]of a picture of Mike... 01:14:40.14,01:14:42.83 and his best friend, Andy,[br]in Hawaii. 01:14:42.91,01:14:46.43 And it was as if I had just heard[br]that Mike had died. 01:14:46.51,01:14:50.31 And I wanted to go running[br]down the hallway and bang[br]on David's bedroom door and say... 01:14:50.38,01:14:53.98 "Mike died. Mike died.!" 01:14:54.05,01:14:59.51 But I didn't do that.[br]I just burst into tears, and I started crying... 01:14:59.59,01:15:03.55 and David got up,[br]and he didn't know what to do[br]to try to help me. 01:15:03.63,01:15:07.12 Eventually, he decided[br]to try to help me[br]based on his applied theory... 01:15:07.20,01:15:10.53 of the fire-stop to me. 01:15:10.60,01:15:13.97 Basically, a fire-stop is when... 01:15:14.04,01:15:16.67 You know, when a forest fire[br]is burning out of control... 01:15:16.74,01:15:19.23 sometimes they burn this ring[br]around the outside of it... 01:15:19.31,01:15:21.68 so that when the fire gets[br]to the dead area... 01:15:21.75,01:15:24.27 it just naturally comes to a stop. 01:15:24.35,01:15:27.44 Well, for David to apply[br]this theory to me... 01:15:27.52,01:15:32.32 meant that we[br]immediately had to go see[br]The Bridges of Madison County. 01:15:32.39,01:15:34.72 [Audience Laughing] 01:15:34.79,01:15:38.06 Well, this was the day[br]that Bridges had opened... 01:15:38.13,01:15:40.22 and so there David and I were[br]in line... 01:15:40.30,01:15:42.77 for the first matinee[br]at like 10:00 in the morning... 01:15:42.83,01:15:45.89 - Me already crying.[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:15:45.97,01:15:49.00 And we went in and, sure enough,[br]at just that moment... 01:15:49.07,01:15:52.20 when the entire audience[br]burst into tears and started crying... 01:15:52.28,01:15:56.74 I stopped crying and didn't cry again[br]for another week. 01:15:56.81,01:15:59.58 Well, it turned out that[br]my radiation therapist... 01:15:59.65,01:16:01.62 happened to be from Spokane. 01:16:01.69,01:16:05.28 And not only that, she'd gone[br]to my same high school,[br]Marycliff High School. 01:16:05.36,01:16:07.85 But we didn't know each other.[br]She was a few years ahead. 01:16:07.93,01:16:10.83 But we'd both been taught[br]by Sister Antionella. 01:16:10.89,01:16:14.96 And so whenever[br]I'd go in for radiation,[br]we would reminisce about her. 01:16:15.03,01:16:18.43 And we remembered[br]when Sister Antionella[br]taught us Emerson... 01:16:18.50,01:16:20.97 and she made us memorize[br]the quote... 01:16:21.04,01:16:23.27 "Give me health and a day... 01:16:23.34,01:16:28.47 and I will make the pomp[br]of emperors ridiculous." 01:16:28.55,01:16:32.21 Well, I asked her if she knew[br]what had ever happened[br]to Sister Antionella. 01:16:32.28,01:16:36.72 And she said she did.[br]She heard that she'd moved to an[br]Indian reservation in Montana... 01:16:36.79,01:16:38.95 and she was teaching[br]the children there. 01:16:39.02,01:16:41.99 And so every day, as I would lie[br]on the radiation bed... 01:16:42.06,01:16:43.99 I would think about[br]Sister Antionella... 01:16:44.06,01:16:46.86 and I would wonder how[br]the children were taking her. 01:16:48.50,01:16:51.37 One morning, I walked into[br]my radiation doctor's office... 01:16:51.44,01:16:54.17 And he said,[br]"Julia, we have some bad news." 01:16:54.24,01:16:57.37 And I said, "Ohh, bad news,"[br]and I sat down. 01:16:57.44,01:17:00.31 And he said,[br]"It appears that we've lost... 01:17:00.38,01:17:02.57 one of your ovaries." 01:17:02.65,01:17:06.45 And I said,[br]"Oh, don't worry. My oncologist[br]warned me about that. 01:17:06.52,01:17:09.78 "He told me that one of[br]my ovaries might die because of[br]the effects of the radiation. 01:17:09.85,01:17:12.32 So, you know, I was prepared." 01:17:12.39,01:17:15.38 And he said, "No, no-no-no-no. 01:17:15.46,01:17:17.98 "I don't mean that[br]one of your ovaries has died. 01:17:18.06,01:17:22.19 "I mean that we've lost[br]one of your ovaries. 01:17:22.27,01:17:24.39 "We've been looking[br]at these X rays... 01:17:24.47,01:17:27.37 "and, uh, we see this ovary over here... 01:17:27.44,01:17:32.84 - But this ovary over here[br]has gone off somewhere."[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:17:32.91,01:17:37.07 And he said, "You know,[br]I've seen this before,[br]and it's not unusual... 01:17:37.15,01:17:41.31 "for an ovary, once cut off[br]from its responsibilities... 01:17:41.39,01:17:45.25 - To travel."[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:17:45.32,01:17:48.12 And I said, "Oh. 01:17:48.19,01:17:50.46 "I guess I could understand that.[br]If I were an ovary... 01:17:50.53,01:17:53.83 "and I suddenly didn't have to deal with[br]that fallopian tube anymore... 01:17:53.90,01:17:57.09 I might just want[br]to see some stuff." 01:17:57.17,01:18:01.00 And he said,[br]"Don't worry. It's going[br]to turn up eventually. 01:18:01.07,01:18:04.13 - We just have to keep[br]an eye out for it."[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:18:04.21,01:18:06.77 And I said, "Oh, okay. Now, um... 01:18:06.84,01:18:12.01 - I'm not gonna, like, cough it up, am I?"[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:18:12.08,01:18:14.88 And he said, "No, that'd be[br]pretty much impossible." 01:18:14.95,01:18:19.35 And so after that, we were[br]always on ovary watch. 01:18:19.42,01:18:22.95 Well, my radiation[br]finally came to an end... 01:18:23.03,01:18:26.93 and my energy was restored,[br]and David moved back to Aspen... 01:18:27.00,01:18:30.99 and by ovary came floating by[br]a couple of months later. 01:18:31.07,01:18:33.43 And, you know, I talk to my parents[br]much more frequently... 01:18:33.50,01:18:35.70 than I did before this whole ordeal. 01:18:35.77,01:18:39.44 And my mother says[br]she finds herself driving out[br]to Holy Cross Cemetery... 01:18:39.51,01:18:41.81 all the time to visit Mike's grave. 01:18:41.88,01:18:44.37 She'll just be running an errand[br]downtown in Spokane... 01:18:44.45,01:18:48.54 and find herself absent-mindedly[br]driving towards the cemetery. 01:18:48.62,01:18:53.21 She's also doing a lot more[br]volunteer work at St Augustin's,[br]which is my parents' parish. 01:18:53.29,01:18:56.89 And she's part of this[br]womens' auxiliary group there. 01:18:56.96,01:18:59.49 And several months ago,[br]she called me and said... 01:18:59.56,01:19:03.52 "Julie, you know, the ladies' auxiliary[br]has been meeting... 01:19:03.60,01:19:06.90 "and we have all agreed that... 01:19:06.97,01:19:11.10 "You know theJesus that is up on the altar[br]at St. Augustin's? 01:19:11.17,01:19:15.80 "Well, he has such[br]a sad look on his face. 01:19:15.88,01:19:18.75 "And he's just kind of hanging there. 01:19:18.82,01:19:21.41 "And he's so depressing-looking. 01:19:21.49,01:19:26.32 "And we all decided that[br]we'd really like a new Jesus. 01:19:26.39,01:19:28.32 "Well, we told this to Monsignor... 01:19:28.39,01:19:33.83 "and Julie, Monsignor chose me[br]to pick the new Jesus! 01:19:33.90,01:19:36.33 "Well, he gave me a catalog... 01:19:36.40,01:19:39.96 "where you order those things[br]from Europe and whatnot. 01:19:40.04,01:19:43.44 "And I went through it, and,[br]let me tell you, Julie... 01:19:43.51,01:19:48.38 - "oneJesus was just sadder than the next.[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:19:48.45,01:19:53.01 "And then I got to the last page,[br]and I found myJesus. 01:19:53.08,01:19:56.71 "Well, he has long, blond,[br]gorgeous curls... 01:19:56.79,01:20:00.95 "and legs that just go on for days. 01:20:01.02,01:20:04.69 "And he's very muscular,[br]and it's almost like... 01:20:04.76,01:20:07.63 "he's bench-pressing[br]that cross up there. 01:20:07.70,01:20:09.96 [Audience Laughing] 01:20:10.03,01:20:12.87 "And I showed him to the ladies... 01:20:12.94,01:20:15.77 "and we all agreed[br]that we wouldn't mind looking at him... 01:20:15.84,01:20:19.50 - "for an hour every Sunday.[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:20:19.58,01:20:23.07 "And so we've ordered him, and he's up... 01:20:23.15,01:20:27.74 - And I call him my Sports Connection Jesus."[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:20:29.35,01:20:33.15 Well, as you can imagine,[br]things have slowed down considerably... 01:20:33.22,01:20:35.45 back at my house. 01:20:35.53,01:20:39.33 After my radiation ended,[br]my black cat, Rita... 01:20:39.40,01:20:41.99 miraculously grew back[br]all of her hair. 01:20:42.07,01:20:45.30 And one day, I opened the door,[br]and there was Gus. 01:20:45.37,01:20:48.39 And he walked in[br]like he'd been walking in[br]every single day... 01:20:48.47,01:20:51.13 and he stayed. 01:20:51.21,01:20:53.40 And I still get[br]a lot of mail for Mike. 01:20:53.48,01:20:55.84 Mike subscribed to a lot[br]of different periodicals... 01:20:55.91,01:20:58.18 some of which[br]are starting to lapse. 01:20:58.25,01:21:01.27 And one of those[br]is to Buzz Magazine.[br]And in the last few months... 01:21:01.35,01:21:04.65 I've gotten two of those[br]computer-generated notices[br]for Mike... 01:21:04.72,01:21:09.32 - One that said, "Hey, Mike, where'd you go?"[br]- [Audience Laughing] 01:21:09.39,01:21:13.33 And the next one said,[br]"Mike Sweeney, where have you been?" 01:21:13.40,01:21:17.73 And I finally, finally have[br]my house all to myself. 01:21:17.80,01:21:21.67 And you know?[br]I really, really love it. 01:21:21.74,01:21:24.76 But sometimes[br]when I'm sitting there I think... 01:21:24.84,01:21:28.00 "Why does it feel so empty?" 01:21:28.35,01:21:31.21 ["God Shuffled His Feet"] 01:21:42.36,01:21:46.69 After seven days 01:21:46.76,01:21:49.96 He was quite tired 01:21:50.03,01:21:53.13 So God said 01:21:53.20,01:21:57.57 Let there be a day 01:21:57.64,01:22:00.77 Just for picnics 01:22:00.84,01:22:04.18 With wine and bread 01:22:04.25,01:22:06.24 He gathered up 01:22:06.32,01:22:09.77 Some people He had made 01:22:09.85,01:22:14.22 Created blankets[br]and laid back in the shade 01:22:16.99,01:22:21.66 The people sipped their wine 01:22:21.73,01:22:24.67 And what with God there 01:22:24.73,01:22:27.67 They asked Him questions 01:22:27.74,01:22:32.40 Like do you have to eat 01:22:32.48,01:22:35.84 Or get your hair cut 01:22:35.91,01:22:39.47 n heaven 01:22:39.55,01:22:44.75 And if your eye[br]got poked out in this life 01:22:44.82,01:22:49.69 Would it be waiting up[br]in heaven with your wife 01:22:52.40,01:22:56.73 God shuffled His feet 01:22:56.80,01:22:59.89 And glanced around 01:22:59.97,01:23:02.67 At them 01:23:02.74,01:23:07.54 The people cleared[br]their throats 01:23:07.61,01:23:10.58 And stared right back 01:23:10.65,01:23:12.58 At Him 01:23:15.09,01:23:21.75 So He said[br]once there was a boy 01:23:21.83,01:23:27.16 Who woke up with blue hair 01:23:27.23,01:23:32.36 To him it was a joy 01:23:32.44,01:23:35.37 Until he ran out 01:23:35.44,01:23:38.97 To warm air 01:23:39.04,01:23:44.24 He thought ofhow his friends[br]would come to see 01:23:44.31,01:23:48.68 And would they laugh, or had[br]he got some strange disease 01:23:51.86,01:23:56.09 God shuffled His feet 01:23:56.16,01:23:59.29 And glanced around 01:23:59.36,01:24:02.42 At them 01:24:02.50,01:24:07.20 People cleared their throats 01:24:07.27,01:24:09.83 And stared right back 01:24:09.91,01:24:11.84 At Him 01:24:33.10,01:24:35.72 [Audience Applauding] 01:24:35.80,01:24:39.33 [Chuckling][br]Thank you so much, you guys. 01:24:39.40,01:24:43.00 - Thank you so much.[br]- [Applause Continues] 01:24:43.07,01:24:45.23 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 01:24:45.31,01:24:48.18 [Chuckles] 01:24:48.24,01:24:53.01 - [Applause Continues][br]- Eight, nine, ten, 11, 12... Oh, four hours! 01:24:53.08,01:24:55.75 Oh, my God. Thank you. 01:24:57.32,01:25:00.12 - Thank you.[br]- [Applause Continues] 01:25:00.19,01:25:04.52 [Chuckling] 01:25:04.59,01:25:07.86 Thank...[br][Laughing] 01:25:07.93,01:25:11.42 - I didn't expect this. [Laughing][br]- [Applause Continues] 01:25:11.50,01:25:14.53 Thank you so much. 01:25:14.60,01:25:18.73 - [Applause Continues][br]- [Laughing] 01:25:18.81,01:25:21.78 Ohh! 01:25:21.85,01:25:25.37 You're not going?[br]You're going, you're going. 01:25:25.45,01:25:28.18 Thank you. 120550