Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:09,270
- Guess who?
- Holly.
2
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:12,710
Holly split up with her husband
and she wishes she'd never let go of Mac.
3
00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:15,308
- Actually, can I take this off?
- No.
4
00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:19,513
- Decant it into a... into another receptacle.
- Did you mean to say ' receptacle' ?
5
00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:21,756
- I did s-s-s...
- No, you said ' testicle' .
6
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:24,348
You're so much nicer than you seem.
7
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:28,234
I've never met a woman who doesn't look
better with my bollocks resting on her chin.
8
00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:30,749
- Can I have a room in your flat?
- House.
9
00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:33,075
- Can I please...?
- Oh, no, whatever! Yes!
10
00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:45,916
- (Guy ) Breakfast in bed.
- Go away!
11
00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,434
You've got that short dressing gown on again,
haven't you?
12
00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:51,516
I haven't, I promise.
13
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:54,950
- Are you sure?
- Yes. Can I come in?
14
00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:57,036
All right, then.
15
00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:00,271
- Ta-da!
- That's mine.
16
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,551
I know, all of it. Frosties with milk,
pink grapefruit juice, tea for one.
17
00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:06,240
No, the dressing gown.
How dare you!
18
00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:08,396
I found it on the bathroom door
and I put it on.
19
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:11,239
- It's mine.
- I know, but you're scared of my short one.
20
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,511
You'll ruin it, you'll make it all gorilla-shaped.
Take it off!
21
00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:16,119
All right.
22
00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:18,879
Oh! Put it back on. Put it back on!
23
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:25,388
So what I'm doing is I'm stimulating
the energy channels, chi,
24
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:28,956
- by inserting very, very fine needles into...
- Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
25
00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:32,516
You're not sticking any needles in me.
26
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:38,112
Well, it's... They're very fine.
You're not going to feel anything.
27
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:44,634
Listen, Alice,
you insert anything in me and I'll sue, OK?
28
00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:48,036
OK.
29
00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:57,118
- Is it on?
- Yes. You know what your problem is?
30
00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:00,437
- I've got you as a lodger.
- No. You realise I can carry off this garment
31
00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:02,869
with a little bit more aplomb than you can.
32
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:04,433
- Yeah, right.
- Yeah.
33
00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:10,396
You... you look like a pregnant pantomime
dame. Go away! Go away, Swiss boy!
34
00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:13,273
I'm going. Enjoy your breakfast.
35
00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:25,432
There's a little gloop of jizz
somewhere in there.
36
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,674
It's all right. I've found it.
37
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:42,670
Actually, no, I think that's a bogey.
I think it might still be in there.
38
00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:47,831
Madam, good morning.
Alan Roderick Statham. Consultant radiologist.
39
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,872
Future Member of Parliament.
Where's your baby?
40
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:54,595
No baby to kiss? Never mind.
Come here. Let's kiss you.
41
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:57,109
There we are. Vote for me!
42
00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:01,552
Yes. Plenty more leaflets.
Alan Statham. You know I make sense.
43
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:17,636
Pop that down there so you don't forget it.
44
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,556
(revs engine)
45
00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:25,275
It's you, is it? Ah.
46
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,835
Local council elections?
Tell me you're not serious.
47
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:33,953
Perfectly serious. Your local independent
candidate, Alan Roderick Statham,
48
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:35,115
at your service.
49
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:38,835
Yeah, it's nice initials.
So is this still all about my car parking space?
50
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,474
- No.
- It's not some sort of personal vendetta?
51
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:44,194
- No.
- I see you want to ban all motorcycles.
52
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:45,275
Yes, I do.
53
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:48,756
You'd like to raise the minimum age
for a surgical consultancy to 48?
54
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,711
- Yes, I would.
- That's going to be a vote winner?
55
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:54,355
- I think so.
- You'd like to use my scrotum as a purse?
56
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:58,473
Yes, I would... Wait a minute.
It doesn't... it doesn't say that.
57
00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:02,309
- Might as well.
- Well, that's your opinion.
58
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:18,953
- Off to the beach?
- Robbie's learning about the world.
59
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:23,710
- Right. What happened to Australia?
- Oh, he bombed it. And Denmark.
60
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:26,400
- Right. I'll give you a hand.
- Thank you.
61
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:32,869
Yes, I sometimes do ironing
in the back of the car when the traffic's slow.
62
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,956
- Erm... The boot.
- Right.
63
00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:42,756
Your lucky day.
I've had my sex appeal rebooted,
64
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,917
and I'm willing to give you
a second bite of my cherry.
65
00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:49,919
- A ch... Wha...?
- How about a rendezvous? Ce soir?
66
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,554
In the bar?
67
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:57,800
I'm actually... I'm really sorry, Joanna,
but I'm meeting someone tonight.
68
00:04:57,920 --> 00:04:59,194
- Anyone I know?
- Oh, hello.
69
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,392
- Yes. Harriet and I are going out tonight.
- We are?
70
00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,398
- You're going out with the swollen piglet?
- I am?
71
00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:09,149
- Yes, I am. Yeah, we are.
- Oh. Hooray, we are.
72
00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:12,675
Careful she doesn't burst.
73
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,074
Hey!
74
00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:17,790
( music plays on car radio )
75
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:22,958
I'm so bored. How long have we been going?
76
00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:25,753
It's been about five minutes.
What does that do?
77
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:27,279
- It's... Don't.
- Oh. Sorry.
78
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:30,198
That should be on.
That should be on.
79
00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:32,834
(imitates DJ) Morning and welcome
to the city morning.
80
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,394
We're driving into work
with Caroline Todd
81
00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:40,753
and Guy Secretan
on Radio Guy.
82
00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:43,838
Please, this isn't working.
We can't live together.
83
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:47,953
Caroline, I'm not letting you move out
of your own house. That's absurd.
84
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:50,833
- Look out!
- What?
85
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,520
- Fucking hell, what was that about?!
- Sorry. Sorry.
86
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,995
- You nearly ran her over.
- I said sorry.
87
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,953
- Jesus.
- Don't know why I did that.
88
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,515
- Oh, my God.
- What?
89
00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:05,392
- She looked a bit like Holly.
- Shut up.
90
00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:07,715
She did.
You went straight for her deliberately.
91
00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:09,193
No, I didn't.
92
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:12,153
Oh, she's not very pleased.
Better put your foot down.
93
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:15,596
Bastard! Agh!
94
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:20,195
- Bastard.
- New magazines.
95
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:30,469
- Heaven!
- Oh. I sniffed Wayne Rooney.
96
00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:40,475
Oh. I had hoped to get away reasonably early
tonight. I've got a sort of date.
97
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,672
No, you haven't.
You've got all this lot to do.
98
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:47,554
Well, I think some of the other girls
could help, to be honest.
99
00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:50,911
- Are you slacking, Harriet?
- No.
100
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:54,794
If you're slacking,
I might have to let you go.
101
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:56,876
You've missed one.
102
00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:15,635
- Oh, hello.
- Hello to you.
103
00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:19,594
Wash the nasty old germs
off the healing hands.
104
00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:25,159
- What?
- You look absolutely lovely.
105
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:26,235
- Do I?
- You do.
106
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,430
You look fantastic, as usual,
you lucky duck.
107
00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:33,395
Actually, can I... can I just...? If I just do this,
I'm just thinking, if you... if it's a bit sleeker,
108
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,909
- you might look like Keira Knightley.
- Really?
109
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:37,996
That is the plan.
110
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:44,829
No, you look like Hitler. Sorry.
that was really bad. Really, really bad.
111
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:48,157
No, no, no.
No. No, cos now you look like that other guy.
112
00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:52,034
No, no. Shall I do it?
No, OK. Sorry. Really annoying. Ah!
113
00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:54,116
Irritating.
114
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:04,597
OK, might just wash my hands again.
Sorry, no offence.
115
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,194
Toilet time. What a laugh.
116
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:11,756
- Catch you later, mate.
- Yeah. Bye, mate.
117
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,956
Sorry.
118
00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:34,876
Urine.
119
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:39,912
- Not mine. Other people's.
- (phone rings )
120
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:42,836
Do you think you could answer that for me?
121
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,110
I've sprained my shoulder
and I need this on to support it.
122
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:49,279
Actually, you're meant
to turn those off in here.
123
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:55,354
Hello? Who?
124
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:57,630
- Are you Double-D Suzie?
- At the moment, yeah.
125
00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:02,709
Erm... Yeah, but she's a bit indisposed
at the moment. Can I help you?
126
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:07,755
I'm not gay either. Well, I'm not.
I'm just trying to be of assistance. You...
127
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:09,438
He's gone.
128
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:12,279
That's funny.
What was all that about? That was weird.
129
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,630
- I'm a prostitute.
- Funny.
130
00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:20,392
- What, a real one?
- Yeah, a real one.
131
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:22,397
- Wow.
- (phone rings )
132
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:26,195
- What, you want me to answer it?
- Yeah, please.
133
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:28,718
Hello?
134
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,070
Er, yeah, she is.
135
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:35,273
Hand relief? Erm... Well, she can't
do it at the moment, actually. Hold on.
136
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,668
How long will it take
to sort out my shoulder?
137
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,951
- About an hour.
- Oh, OK. Tell him 25.
138
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,628
- She'll do it 25 times.
- 25 quid, you tosser.
139
00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:49,309
25 quid, you tosser.
Yeah, well, it takes one to know one.
140
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:52,910
No, you're a tosser.
You are. You're a tosser.
141
00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,470
- You blinked.
- OK.
142
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,508
- Nah, you got lucky.
- No, I won.
143
00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:07,750
- Well done. Right. There's your photo pass.
- Thank you.
144
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:09,950
Don't lose it
or it'll be best of five next time.
145
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:13,152
Lose it. I never lose anything,
as I believe you've just seen.
146
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,350
- Something just flew into my eye.
- OK.
147
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:19,632
It's come to my attention that you once
had a liaison with our very own Dr Macartney.
148
00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:24,072
And, as Liaison Officer,
it's my job to deal with these things.
149
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:26,509
Oh, deep voice.
Must be serious.
150
00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:29,393
( deep voice) It ended
over four years ago now.
151
00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:32,830
Well, I was just wondering
if there were any flickering embers.
152
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:36,669
One of our surgical team
has got a bit of a thing for Dr Macartney.
153
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:39,394
Oh, you mean Guy Secretan?
154
00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:42,671
No. Dr Caroline Todd,
she's completely obsessed.
155
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:46,076
Well, don't worry.
I'm not interested in Mac.
156
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:51,156
Yes!
157
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,356
Yes!
158
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:58,597
Yes! Yes!
159
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,556
He said the Barnsbury Hotel,
room 28, in an hour.
160
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:06,798
Shit. If this is going to take an hour
and I've got to be there in an hour,
161
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,114
how's that going to work?
162
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:11,596
- Er... Well, I could do it.
- Have you ever wanked off a man?
163
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:15,395
- Er, no, I mean I could do your sling.
- Right.
164
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:21,277
And I could take you there.
Yeah, I've got wheels. Well, a scooter has.
165
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:28,149
Why do you think you would be
a good standard-bearer
166
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:29,872
for the Liberal Democrats one day?
167
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,673
Let me ask you. Why do you think
168
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,917
I would be a good standard-bearer
for the Liberal Democrats one day?
169
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:37,553
Well, I-I-I don't...
170
00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:41,309
If you don't know, then you're not
going to get very far in politics, are you?
171
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,396
I am a politician.
172
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:46,478
Are you? Yes, well, well, right, well done.
Well done.
173
00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:50,070
All right, you're the Member of Parliament
for Hornsey and Wood Green.
174
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:51,713
- Already?
- No.
175
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:54,434
Supposing you were the MP
for Hornsey and Wood Green...
176
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:57,154
- Oh, I see, yes.
- I'm a local resident.
177
00:11:57,280 --> 00:12:00,989
I'm a single mum who's complaining
about an after-school club being closed
178
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:05,591
to free up money for local transport.
So what would you say to me?
179
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:09,637
I'm a single mum
and my kid's after-school club's being closed.
180
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:13,196
- Oh, dear.
- What are you going to do about it?
181
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:15,959
- I beg your pardon.
- Your party don't care about my kids.
182
00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:20,676
' Doesn't' . Your party doesn't care
about my kids. Speak properly, please.
183
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:22,552
Anyway, you shouldn't
go around getting pregnant,
184
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,238
having children all colours of the rainbow,
185
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:27,432
and then you wouldn't need
that thing th-that you...
186
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:30,279
Not you... The woman...
when you were being the woman...
187
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,630
The... the club thing.
188
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,194
It seems to me you're ill-informed
and bigoted. I'm not going to vote for you.
189
00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:37,390
You can fuck off, then.
190
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,676
Hm? How was that?
191
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:57,711
So, just to reiterate,
I have no problem with Holly.
192
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:03,470
- Holly and you, the history thereof.
- Good. That's very good.
193
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:07,673
But I tell you what, shall we talk about this
when we're not being constantly monitored?
194
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,916
Are there cameras?
195
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,190
I mean you, Secretan.
196
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:16,677
Looming over our relationship
like a fat Swiss zeppelin.
197
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,473
- Oi. Fat?
- Yeah, point taken.
198
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:22,239
- Anyway, I'm part of your relationship.
- How?
199
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:25,158
Erm, I've slept with both of you.
200
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:29,273
- Not so much.
- Well, with one of you.
201
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:32,073
- You really haven't.
- Haven't I?
202
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:33,952
- No.
- You know, I really thought I had.
203
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,354
- You didn't.
- No, I didn't.
204
00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:38,517
But I have slept with Mac, haven't I?
Back at college.
205
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:41,313
He missed his mum
so he crept into my bed, crying.
206
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:44,716
- We didn't go to the same college.
- I thought it was a long way to creep.
207
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:48,310
Anyway, how could I turn him down?
That pouty, ginger face.
208
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:53,309
Freckly little back.
Those hairless little nuts. Scabby little knees.
209
00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:57,399
You put just a little too much thought
into that, didn't you?
210
00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:00,876
Yeah. Yeah. Let's get on
with the medical stuff, shall we?
211
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,514
Controversial.
212
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:10,998
So, who was the lovely lady
on the back of your scooter earlier?
213
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:13,315
- Nobody.
- There was someone straddling you, mate.
214
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:15,829
You should check
your rear-view mirrors more.
215
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,269
- Oh, no. That... God, that was Suzie.
- Suzie.
216
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:23,190
- Yeah. Erm, she's a... prostitute.
- You sly bugger.
217
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:26,357
Not for me.
I don't need women for that.
218
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,755
I was just helping her out
with customers.
219
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:30,393
What are you? Like, her pimp?
220
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:32,954
No, I was talking
to her customer on her phone.
221
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,959
I was telling him how much all the works
cost, like you're ordering a pizza.
222
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,674
- Yeah, or like when you're a pimp.
- No, I just...
223
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,872
- I drove her to where the customer was, OK?
- Like a pimp.
224
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:46,390
I thought I'd wait until she's finished
and then I could just take her home.
225
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:48,431
Right. Did you take any money?
226
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:53,634
No! Yes. Well, she just insisted
that I took some money for expenses.
227
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:58,356
Oh, right. So you talked to a prostitute's
clients, you made a prostitute's deals,
228
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:02,155
you delivered the actual prostitute and you
took a slice of the prostitute's earnings.
229
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:05,272
- Basically, you're a pimp.
- Really?
230
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:10,110
Yeah, well, I mean, you're a part-time pimp,
but you're a pimp nonetheless.
231
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,196
A bloody pimp.
232
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:15,076
I'm a bloody pimp.
233
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:18,909
Oh, yeah. Marty?
Treat your bitches with respect!
234
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:23,989
Will do. Oh, God.
I'm a motherfoing pimp.
235
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:33,476
Gah!
236
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:41,877
- You and Mac, I can't picture it.
- Oh, poor you.
237
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,788
He's not a real man, is he?
I mean, he must be at least 70% girl.
238
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:49,037
You see, that's what I like about him.
I think he's pretty.
239
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,037
Pretty?
240
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,072
Pretty? Oh, I've heard it all now.
Do you think I'm pretty?
241
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:57,590
- No.
- Good. Who wants to be pretty? Not me.
242
00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:01,349
Yeah. And he's kind and he's creative
and he's extremely passionate.
243
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,994
And very brave.
Always stands up for what he believes in.
244
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,873
- Yeah, well, he's not as brave as I am.
- Oh, dear.
245
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,195
I'll have to ask you to look up
the word ' brave' in the dictionary.
246
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,959
Oh, would you like me
to show you how brave I am?
247
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:14,389
- Yes, I think I would.
- I'll tell you what I'll do.
248
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:17,239
Yeah, I'll stick my hand
in this toaster and turn it on.
249
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,635
You wouldn't do that.
You are all mouth and no trousers.
250
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:23,116
Er, actually,
I'm all hand and trousers.
251
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:25,435
- You want me to do it?
- Shall I turn this on?
252
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:28,393
- Would you like me to do it?
- If it'll make you feel brave.
253
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:30,750
- Yeah, stick it in. Turn it on.
- In it goes.
254
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:34,395
- Turned it on.
- Heat it up. Cook it.
255
00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:39,230
- You see. You see how brave I am?
- Cook it, Secretan.
256
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:40,349
You're whimpering.
257
00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:43,278
- I'm not whimpering.
- You are, you're whimpering.
258
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:46,597
I'm not whimpering.
You see, Mac wouldn't do that.
259
00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:49,837
I think you're right. If Mac knew
that toaster had been broken for a week,
260
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:55,034
he'd double-check that Maintenance hadn't
been in to fix it before he stuck his hand in it.
261
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:56,832
Agh!
262
00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:59,435
Agh!
263
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,676
You are such a twat.
264
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,756
Jesus! Agh!
265
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:27,632
- Did you want me to sign all these forms?
- Well, who else would they be for?
266
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,672
I don't know. Someone called
' Dr Slut-knickers, husband stealer,
267
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,234
watch yourself
or I'll slit your scraggy throat' Todd.
268
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:37,273
- Yep. Got a problem with that?
- That's slander.
269
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,595
- Do you want me to look into it for you?
- You wrote it.
270
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:43,633
- No. How dare you slander my name.
- No, you slandered my name.
271
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:45,637
How dare you slander my name
by saying I slandered your name.
272
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:49,799
No, you are the slanderer.
I am the slanderee.
273
00:17:55,720 --> 00:18:00,953
Oh, Simba, the nasty lady's
just ripped off your daddy's nose.
274
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:05,716
Erm...
275
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:09,196
Erm... I think that one.
276
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:23,432
Like the disciples,
there are normally 12 thoracic vertebrae.
277
00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:28,239
But oh, dear, what's happened here?
Where's Judas Iscariot?
278
00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:31,909
There seem to be only 11.
279
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:37,356
- Has one of them disappeared?
- Things don't just disappear, Mr Boyce. No.
280
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,835
If we look closely at the image here,
we can see that
281
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:45,398
thoracic six and thoracic seven
have, in fact, fused.
282
00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:47,476
Thereby...
283
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,555
- Hello.
- Oh, hi, Priscilla.
284
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:13,078
I'm joking, you gullible plonker.
Oh, sorry. What can I get you? Chocolate?
285
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:15,350
- No, thanks.
- Come on. You don't need to diet.
286
00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:18,711
- I'm not.
- Gosh, quite cross.
287
00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:22,389
Don't worry, Mac and I were only chatting.
Haven't managed to break down his defences.
288
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:25,671
He's holding strong.
But then I haven't tried this.
289
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:27,677
Get...!
290
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:32,555
Yeah, that always used to work.
That and a finger up his anus.
291
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:34,671
I'm winding you up.
292
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,950
You should see your faces.
293
00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:42,750
Oh, dear. Listen, I'd better
leave you two lovebirds to it.
294
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,553
God, you two are so lucky.
295
00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:50,759
Oh, gosh. Need a bit of lip salve
on those lips, girlie.
296
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:52,916
Bye.
297
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,635
And you were in love with her?
298
00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:12,553
Yeah, you want Suzie,
you've got to chat to me first.
299
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,194
Erm, who am I? I'm Martin Dear.
300
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:20,075
Er... M-M-Marty D.
Marty D, that's who I am.
301
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,873
Yeah, anything you want. Anything.
302
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:26,470
Apart from that. Or that.
303
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:30,115
Erm... Actually,
I don't know what that is.
304
00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:34,438
Is that when the woman stick...?
Yeah, no, just straight with Suzie. OK, cool.
305
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:36,516
Yep, no problem.
306
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:43,075
Suz! Yeah, we've got
a motherfudging customer.
307
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,031
OK.
308
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,469
Yo, bitch.
309
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:49,830
I'm not a bitch, I'm Olivia.
310
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,916
Good. Erm...
311
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:59,116
Oh, I'd love to, Lyndon.
It's just I'm not sure I can any more.
312
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:01,435
I've got stacks to get through
and it's all built up
313
00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:06,270
and then I've got to clean the windows
and I've got to paint a cupboard.
314
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,118
Oh.
315
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,470
Well, it's on Joanna's list.
316
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:12,958
Really?
317
00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:15,674
Oh, well, they must be mistakes.
318
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,837
Silly Joanna.
I should get on. Bye.
319
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:14,638
Hello to you. Oh, Dr Macartney, I didn't expect
to see you... No, it's not him. He isn't there.
320
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:20,039
- That's not him. I know.
- Like a spiral, a wheel within a wheel
321
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:21,798
Good. Now, the reason that I...
322
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:26,277
Never ending or beginning
on an ever-spinning reel
323
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:28,914
- Thank you...
- Like a snowball down a mountain
324
00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:31,793
- or a carnival balloon.
- Desist! Desist!
325
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:36,038
Thank you. Now, as you know,
I have certain political ambitions,
326
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:39,596
and as you are part of my prospective flock,
327
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:42,314
I was wondering if I could
rely on your full support.
328
00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:45,034
Right, let me guess.
You're looking to old Sue here,
329
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:48,038
hoping that she's going
to further your political aspirations.
330
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:51,197
In a word, yes, please. That's two words.
Obviously, if you don't mind...
331
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,550
That's four... five words.
332
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,954
- That's Karen. Are you still with Karen?
- Yeah.
333
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:03,674
- I lose track.
- Absolutely, no. We're in love. Apparently.
334
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:07,076
- Wow. Love.
- Yeah, love, love. Love is brilliant.
335
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:10,033
Ah, being in love.
It's the best thing, romance.
336
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:13,869
You're dumped, Dr Dear.
I'm not sharing you with a prostitute.
337
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,797
- Ow!
- Ow.
338
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:20,833
- You all right, mate?
- Actually, yeah. No, that's a relief.
339
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:24,873
You know, cos...
Cut free from the old ball and chain.
340
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:29,118
Literally, in her case, cos her name's
Karen Ball, and she's got a chain.
341
00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:32,550
Although she's ever chained me up. No way.
342
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:38,434
Well, I will give you one word of advice.
I'd lose the voice because you sound like a...
343
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:42,838
(hyperventilates ) ..a hysterical child
that's just swallowed a conker.
344
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,599
- Is that it?
- No. I tell you what,
345
00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:50,077
I will answer your questions,
but only in the language of a crow.
346
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:53,431
- What if I were to give you some money?
- (caws )
347
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:55,596
- Is that a yes?
- (caws )
348
00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:59,508
All right. Well, perhaps you'd like
to ring me later on my extension.
349
00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:05,988
I can see you've got a lot on your penis...
plate... with that on there. G... Y... Goodbye.
350
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:12,669
Oh, come on,
it's sweatshop labour, Guy.
351
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:16,156
It's just kids we're talking about.
I've been out there, I've seen the conditions.
352
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:19,477
Oh, well, the trouble is, you see,
that you're a woman of principle.
353
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:24,754
- We don't get many of those round here.
- Tell me about it.
354
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:30,432
Martin, is that bacon?
Well, I hope it's, you know, ethically farmed.
355
00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:34,030
Ethically farmed?
What's that supposed to mean?
356
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:37,277
All the little Pinky and Perkys
get their own rooms and colour TVs?
357
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:40,631
I just think they deserve better treatment
while they're alive, that's all.
358
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:45,197
Oh, I see. So once all the little piggy cocks
and ears and labia are all mushed up
359
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:48,357
and on their way to Martin's tummy,
you don't care, is that right?
360
00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:50,994
Don't be so childish, Guy.
I happen to feel very strongly about this.
361
00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:53,873
- So what do you do about it?
- What?
362
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:58,755
Well, if I feel very strongly about something,
I do something about it. So, what do you do?
363
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:02,350
Well, I make sure
I buy ethically farmed goods.
364
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:04,596
Some people might say
you're not actually helping the pigs at all.
365
00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:08,474
Some people might say you're only
doing that to make yourself feel better.
366
00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:13,435
Well, yes, well... In which case, some people
don't know the whole truth, then, do they?
367
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:18,714
What do you mean? You're involved in some
kind of... some kind of direct action?
368
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:20,068
Maybe I am.
369
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:22,077
- (Guy ) What, pig Samaritans?
- No.
370
00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:24,668
- Help a London Pig?
- No.
371
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:28,349
I break into farms at night and rescue pigs.
372
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:33,231
I do! I really rescue them!
373
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:53,757
- I heard about the rescued pigs. Well done.
- There are no rescued pigs.
374
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:57,509
There are. I'll have you know
I was on an operation last week.
375
00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:58,470
Where?
376
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:01,068
I'm not allowed to divulge
that kind of information.
377
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:03,589
Suffice to say that under the cover of night,
378
00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:10,432
me and the others cut through a fence,
crept into a barn and liberated a pig.
379
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:13,358
Which friends were these? All yours.
380
00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:18,235
They have code names,
they're called... Twig and Berry.
381
00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:22,399
Right. So Twig and Berry and Bush,
or whatever you're called,
382
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:26,559
- how did you cut through the fence?
- With a fence cutter, obviously!
383
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,240
A slashy fence knife thing.
384
00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:32,796
And when you got the pig out,
where did you take it?
385
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:35,150
To my sister's farm.
386
00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:39,478
Right. Right, yeah. Because I remember you
saying that your sister lives in a tower block.
387
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:43,559
It's like a farm,
only a kind and happy farm.
388
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:44,590
- In the air?
- Yeah.
389
00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:47,553
So did you get up there in the lift,
or did you make it take the stairs?
390
00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:50,069
- The lift.
- Right. And what about exercise?
391
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,192
Has your sister got one of those
new Japanese pig treadmills?
392
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:54,992
I take it out at night, OK?
393
00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:57,350
OK, yeah.
Well, that makes complete sense, then.
394
00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:01,712
Right, exactly. Fine. If you've finished
with your damn fool questions.
395
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:05,515
Just before you finish, just to make sure
I've got this absolutely right.
396
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:09,076
Erm, one night last week,
Twig, Berry and Bush
397
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:11,111
broke into a farm
with a slashy fence thing.
398
00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:15,199
They stole a real actual pig,
drove it to central London, took it up in a lift,
399
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:19,996
kept it in a small cramped flat, you pop round
occasionally to take it for walkies?
400
00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:23,954
Yes! Will you stop going on about it?!
401
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:30,354
- Do you believe that?
- Of course.
402
00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:31,674
Me too.
403
00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:39,434
Hm. Well, the thing is, when I ordered a voice
coach, I wasn't expecting him to be a her.
404
00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:42,711
Basically like... As long
as I don't end up sounding like a her.
405
00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:45,229
What exactly are you hoping to achieve?
406
00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:50,718
Initially local councillor, and
obviously mayor would be very nice.
407
00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:53,752
Ultimately a member
of Her Majesty's Government,
408
00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:56,599
and obviously it's for the people to decide,
it is their vote.
409
00:27:56,720 --> 00:28:00,474
- I am but their humble servant.
- I meant in terms of your voice.
410
00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:04,639
Well, less screechy, probably.
(screeches )
411
00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:09,151
I can see there's a lot of work to be done, so
why don't we start with a few basic exercises?
412
00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:12,033
Yes. Yes, indeed. Right. Let's...
413
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:16,116
Right.
414
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:26,956
Hey, if it's not a pig-rescuing evening,
I thought maybe we could do something later.
415
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,913
Won't you be giving Holly a lift home again?
416
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,999
I did tell you actually
that that was a one-off, so...
417
00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:38,432
- Holly's pretty good at getting her own way.
- That's what's worrying me.
418
00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:40,676
There's as much chance
of me getting back with her
419
00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:45,157
- as there is of Guy marrying his own mother.
- So about 50-50, then?
420
00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:49,717
- That's not bad. I'm off at seven.
- Er, I could be there by eight.
421
00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:52,479
I'm not sure I can wait that long.
422
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:55,996
Can you get a verruca on your penis?
423
00:28:56,120 --> 00:28:57,872
- I can't. Can you?
- Never tried.
424
00:28:58,000 --> 00:28:59,797
Pretty good at most parlour games, though.
425
00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:02,912
A friend of mine fell knob-first
into the foot bath at a swimming pool.
426
00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:05,474
He was wondering, that's all.
427
00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:08,558
Not interrupting anything, am I?
428
00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:11,240
Just the evolution of mankind.
429
00:29:12,640 --> 00:29:18,829
I did get a big boil on my nut-sack once.
I thought I had three testicles.
430
00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:22,469
- Right.
- Ma, ma, ma.
431
00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:24,716
- Ma, ma, ma.
- Me, me, me.
432
00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:27,070
- You, you, you.
- Moo, moo, moo.
433
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,509
- Moo's a cow, moo, moo, moo.
- Mo, mo, mo.
434
00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:31,631
- Mow, mow, mow.
- Ta, ta, ta.
435
00:29:31,760 --> 00:29:33,034
- Don't mention it.
- Come on.
436
00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:34,639
- Ta, ta, ta.
- Tee, tee, tee.
437
00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:37,638
- Tea... No, thank you, just had some.
- Please. Concentrate.
438
00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:38,875
- Yes.
- To, to, to.
439
00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:41,514
Two, two, two.
Three, three, three.
440
00:29:42,360 --> 00:29:45,318
- Let's try ' ba' . Ba.
- Yes.
441
00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:47,431
- Ba. Ba.
- Ba. Oh, ba.
442
00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:49,471
- Ba. Ba.
- Ba. Ba.
443
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:51,716
- Ba. Ba.
- Ba. Bra.
444
00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:55,389
Bra. Bra. It's a bra, bra, bra, bra.
445
00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:58,356
Hmm. Pan... panties.
446
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:00,519
No.
447
00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:04,315
- I have quite a lot of clients to get through.
- No. All right. Yes.
448
00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:08,717
Do you know where I can get a pig?
449
00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:12,071
No, it's just to win an argument.
450
00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:14,873
It would be quite some pig,
intellectually speaking.
451
00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:17,878
Oh, no, no.
I don't mean like a pig barrister.
452
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:20,594
- Right. Well, pity.
- Why, do you know a pig barrister?
453
00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:22,790
- No.
- Oh.
454
00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:27,118
Sorry, sorry.
Erm, I'm Caroline. Doctor Todd.
455
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:30,318
Jake Leaf.
456
00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:34,069
Oh, wow, you're a complementary therapist.
457
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,798
- Would you like a drink?
- No, I've had too much coffee today.
458
00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:40,912
My teeth are going a bit brown. Look.
459
00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:43,838
I actually meant a ' drink' drink.
460
00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:46,235
Oh.
461
00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:50,319
No, I'm afraid I've already got a... boyfriend.
462
00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:54,473
You weren't actually sure you had
until you said that, were you?
463
00:30:54,600 --> 00:30:57,034
But no, no, now I'm quite sure.
464
00:30:59,520 --> 00:31:01,192
- Arse.
- Sorry.
465
00:31:01,320 --> 00:31:05,279
- No milk.
- Oh, no. No, no, it's the nozzle.
466
00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:10,428
You have to sort of get your finger up
and have a bit of a fiddle around.
467
00:31:10,560 --> 00:31:13,632
- Better go.
- Good luck with the pig!
468
00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:16,320
- Shh!
- Sorry.
469
00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:28,914
Now, what do you think of this?
470
00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:32,873
With? Or without?
471
00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:34,672
With? Without?
472
00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:36,831
With? Without?
473
00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:39,435
With? Without?
474
00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:42,313
- Show me again.
- With.
475
00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:45,953
Yeah, without.
476
00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:47,832
Tits!
477
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:50,520
- You what?
- Are they even?
478
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:53,473
Erm, no, not... not quite, no.
479
00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:56,276
Do you mind?
480
00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:10,795
Interesting.
481
00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:15,828
- Oi. Oi, Huggy.
- Yo, what's up, bro?
482
00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:17,678
- Can I have a go on your prozzy?
- No!
483
00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:20,030
- Go on.
- No! That's a horrible thing to say!
484
00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:22,674
Well, I'm not asking for a freebie.
I'll pay my way.
485
00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:25,360
- No way!
- Mate's rates, obviously.
486
00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:26,469
- No.
- Come on.
487
00:32:26,600 --> 00:32:29,751
- That's my woman you're talking about.
- I want a go on my bro's ho.
488
00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:31,871
Aw, are the brothers squabbling?
489
00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:35,390
- He wants to go on my prozzy!
- Martin! What a horrible thing to say!
490
00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:38,637
- Sorry, my prostitute.
- How is she yours, exactly?
491
00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:43,117
She's not. It's purely a business arrangement,
so she can pay her way through college.
492
00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:46,471
- Prozzy college.
- A proper college. It's a feminist notion.
493
00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:50,513
This'll be one of the later waves of feminism. I
fell asleep the other day and missed a couple.
494
00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:54,997
Actually, can you imagine prozzy college?
They'd have some riotous parties.
495
00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:57,793
- Lots of lezzing-up.
- Well, feminist lezzing.
496
00:32:57,920 --> 00:32:59,911
Oh, yeah, that's even hotter.
497
00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:02,315
We shouldn't have stopped
at having the right to vote.
498
00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:05,318
I think we should have actively
taken it from you and stopped you.
499
00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:08,750
- Not all men are the same, you know.
- Martin, can I have a go on your prozzy?
500
00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:10,632
- You can have my go.
- Is she having a go?
501
00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:14,514
- I didn't know you wanted a go.
- I'm not having a go.
502
00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:16,153
But you could have done.
503
00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:19,795
- You can have my go.
- What's wrong with my prozzy?!
504
00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:22,434
Wicked. So can I have two goes?
505
00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:35,719
Alan Roderick Statham.
506
00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:40,556
Right, everyone, listen up.
507
00:33:40,680 --> 00:33:44,673
It's come to my attention that various items
have been going missing from this office.
508
00:33:44,800 --> 00:33:48,429
If said items are returned pronto,
then I shall turn a blind eye.
509
00:33:48,560 --> 00:33:52,439
If said items are not returned pronto,
I'll have to call in the appropriate authorities.
510
00:33:52,560 --> 00:33:54,790
- Is that understood?
- Yes.
511
00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:58,595
Right. The office amnesty
one-day event starts now.
512
00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:07,116
Or instant dismissal.
513
00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:14,276
Thank you.
514
00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:19,510
Sorry, I just like rulers.
515
00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:37,709
Ah, theft.
Technically, I could report you.
516
00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:41,196
No, no, not theft, actually, no.
I was... I was copying Mac's keys.
517
00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:43,675
- Ah, burglary.
- No, no, no.
518
00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:46,792
I'm planning a surprise for Mac.
519
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:50,674
I thought I'd just nip back
to his place and...
520
00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:54,719
Oh, right.
521
00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:57,308
So just you keep quiet about it.
522
00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:59,396
Grrr. No, absolutely.
523
00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:02,192
- How much?
- What?
524
00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:05,471
How much to keep quiet about it?
525
00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:07,750
- Seriously?
- Seriously.
526
00:35:09,320 --> 00:35:10,150
- Fiver?
- Tenner.
527
00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:12,157
- Eighter.
- Done.
528
00:35:13,760 --> 00:35:15,716
What about you, pikey?
529
00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:28,917
Bloody hell, Rach. How the hell
were you going to manage that?
530
00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:32,077
You can't even work the photocopier!
531
00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:37,149
Sorry, mate.
Won't be needing you after all.
532
00:35:40,240 --> 00:35:41,229
Shame.
533
00:35:43,280 --> 00:35:45,236
Knob.
534
00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:49,189
Knob. Knob.
535
00:35:50,840 --> 00:35:52,796
Knob.
536
00:35:53,600 --> 00:35:56,160
Knob. Knob.
537
00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:00,636
- Knob.
- (clears throat)
538
00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:03,436
Are you saying ' knob' ?
539
00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:06,351
No. No, no.
540
00:36:06,480 --> 00:36:11,679
No, not knob... Nobody...
This is no... no... The...
541
00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:14,075
- That's a handsome megaphone, yeah.
- Yes, yes.
542
00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:18,830
All-all the better
to reach my constituents in...
543
00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:23,073
It's funny, though,
because I've got a friend who's got a car
544
00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:26,192
with two megaphones
mounted on the roof.
545
00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:28,197
Anyway, see you.
546
00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:32,279
Right, hold it, come back.
Just a minute. Come on.
547
00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:34,834
All right, then, come on.
How much to hire the car?
548
00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:37,952
- Oh, 30 pounds an hour? 20?
- No. No.
549
00:36:38,080 --> 00:36:40,036
Right, but ten
and me as your campaign manager.
550
00:36:40,160 --> 00:36:42,116
That's a done.
551
00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:45,435
Even if she was the last person
left on the planet?
552
00:36:45,560 --> 00:36:46,913
Where am I, then?
553
00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:50,919
You... No, no, well, there's two of you. One
of them's you and Holly's the only woman.
554
00:36:51,040 --> 00:36:53,156
OK, even if she's
the last woman on the planet
555
00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:56,556
and the leader of the alien attack force
is forcing me at ray-gunpoint
556
00:36:56,680 --> 00:36:59,240
to kiss her on the cheek,
and I've already been warned,
557
00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:03,273
through an interpreter, that he will blow up
the world if I don't, I still wouldn't.
558
00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:06,198
- That is how much she means to me.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on.
559
00:37:06,320 --> 00:37:12,555
I mean, yeah, yeah, good answer,
but betray the whole planet for a kiss?
560
00:37:12,680 --> 00:37:15,353
- A bit cavalier, isn't it?
- There's no people left, you said.
561
00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:18,233
Yeah, but they might come back.
I didn't say where they were.
562
00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:20,112
They might be hiding on another planet.
563
00:37:20,240 --> 00:37:25,394
Oh, right. Well, I would kiss her
and then fall on my sword.
564
00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:29,638
- You have a sword?
- Yeah. It wouldn't even be a proper kiss.
565
00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:31,716
What's a proper kiss?
566
00:37:39,960 --> 00:37:41,632
No, you tell me your policies.
567
00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:45,230
You can't tell me to be quiet if you haven't
got any decent policies of your own.
568
00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:49,273
So it's put up or shut up,
that's what I say to you. So... so come on!
569
00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:52,358
No, don't walk off.
Don't you walk off. Follow him.
570
00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:55,631
After him, Boyce, come on. Come on,
don't walk away. We're not finished.
571
00:37:55,760 --> 00:37:59,639
It's no good slouching and looking
round there. Just respond, please.
572
00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:02,752
I want a response. Respond.
573
00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:05,556
Respond.
574
00:38:05,680 --> 00:38:07,875
I want a response.
575
00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:10,912
Respond. Right...
576
00:38:11,040 --> 00:38:13,634
Right. Respond, please.
577
00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:16,433
No, no, no, no,
Back up, Boyce, back up.
578
00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:19,870
I want a response. You're all mouth
and no trousers, people like you.
579
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:21,558
Come on, respond.
580
00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:25,440
I'll call you as soon as I...
as I get home, yeah.
581
00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:26,629
- OK.
- OK.
582
00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:29,115
- OK.
- OK. OK.
583
00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:40,319
Hi.
584
00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:42,192
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
585
00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:45,198
Yeah, right, OK. Brilliant. Erm...
586
00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:48,350
This is, like, majorly awful.
587
00:38:48,480 --> 00:38:50,994
- What?
- Yeah. Yeah.
588
00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:54,157
I just, you know,
I really didn't want it to happen like this.
589
00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:57,477
- What to happen like what?
- I guess I'm going to have to explain.
590
00:38:57,600 --> 00:39:03,596
I think you're going to have to, because I
don't actually know what we're talking about.
591
00:39:05,920 --> 00:39:07,831
This is my little boy.
592
00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:11,399
Right. Define ' little boy' .
593
00:39:11,520 --> 00:39:14,557
Oh, you know, small, male.
594
00:39:14,680 --> 00:39:18,514
- Human being.
- Right. Keep going. You said ' my' .
595
00:39:18,640 --> 00:39:20,790
Yeah. This is my son.
596
00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:29,591
Remind me what you said. ' A child
is a spanner in the works.' Was that it?
597
00:39:29,720 --> 00:39:32,234
I think I might have been wrong about that.
598
00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:33,952
Sorry.
599
00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:39,950
Hey, what are you doing
with your hoody and your baseball cap on?
600
00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:44,232
You know that's illegal in this country.
There, that's much better, isn't it?
601
00:39:44,360 --> 00:39:49,275
- Does he remind you of, you know...?
- Yes. Yeah, he does actually.
602
00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:52,631
And, erm, there's possibly
a very good explanation for that.
603
00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:55,035
Do you think maybe
we ought to go and have a little chat?
604
00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:57,355
OK.
605
00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:02,316
- Nice hair.
- Yep.
606
00:40:04,360 --> 00:40:06,430
So you are...?
607
00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:08,516
Mackenzie.
608
00:40:09,960 --> 00:40:11,916
Mackenzie.
609
00:40:29,840 --> 00:40:31,876
( door opens )
610
00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:40,476
- Hello. Hi.
- Oh.
611
00:40:41,040 --> 00:40:44,032
- Right, perfect timing.
- Thank you.
612
00:40:44,160 --> 00:40:46,594
- Hi, Caroline.
- Oh, my God!
613
00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:51,158
- Nice nightie.
- No, it's not a nightie, it's... it's a dress.
614
00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:52,030
Really?
615
00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:55,038
I always wear dresses like this
when I'm off duty.
616
00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:57,549
- Well, it suits you.
- Thank you.
617
00:40:57,680 --> 00:41:00,035
Look, Mac, maybe we should go
and talk some other time.
618
00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:05,553
No, it's fine. I was just... I was, erm,
returning Mac's keys. You left them at work.
619
00:41:05,680 --> 00:41:09,070
- So here they are.
- Thanks. I didn't know I'd lost them.
620
00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:12,988
- Who's the lady in the slutty dress?
- Mackenzie!
621
00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:15,554
Where did you learn a word like that?
622
00:41:16,240 --> 00:41:18,515
And this is...?
623
00:41:18,640 --> 00:41:20,517
This is Mackenzie.
624
00:41:20,640 --> 00:41:22,471
My son.
625
00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:25,595
Mac's son.
626
00:41:25,720 --> 00:41:27,711
Our son.
627
00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:30,038
Shit.
628
00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:34,472
Mackenzie, go and see if daddy's got
a collection of Evel Knievels in the bedroom.
629
00:41:34,600 --> 00:41:38,513
It's just through there.
Go and have a look.
630
00:41:38,640 --> 00:41:41,757
I know, I know.
I have handled all of this really badly.
631
00:41:41,880 --> 00:41:44,348
You don't have to leave.
Holly's just come round to explain.
632
00:41:44,480 --> 00:41:46,038
- I don't want you to go.
- No, it's fine.
633
00:41:46,160 --> 00:41:48,435
You... you two have to talk and...
634
00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:53,759
I'm also very, very late
for dinner with my... my uncle.
635
00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:56,394
You're going for dinner with your uncle
dressed like that?
636
00:41:56,520 --> 00:41:58,988
Naturally. Naturally.
637
00:41:59,120 --> 00:42:00,473
Good night.
638
00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:03,672
Caroline, Caroline.
At least take my jacket.
639
00:42:03,800 --> 00:42:07,110
- No, thank you. No, I'll be fine.
- Take my jacket.
640
00:42:07,240 --> 00:42:10,630
I'm sorry. We'll talk about this tomorrow.
And we will, erm...
641
00:42:10,760 --> 00:42:13,149
Do you know,
I... I don't know what to say.
642
00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:15,191
- That's a first.
- Yeah.
643
00:42:15,320 --> 00:42:17,788
- I really like the nightie, by the way.
- Dress.
644
00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:18,909
- Dress.
- Thank you.
645
00:42:19,040 --> 00:42:20,359
- Bye, Caroline.
- Bye.
646
00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:23,153
Have a fab time with your uncle.
647
00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:26,636
- Mac, have you got a bottle opener?
- Bye.
648
00:42:30,360 --> 00:42:33,397
- I thought you'd still be here.
- I've nearly finished.
649
00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:35,715
Can I help with anything?
Tidy your desk?
650
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:39,310
Oh, no, I'm fine. Thank you.
Sorry, I'm so hungry.
651
00:42:39,440 --> 00:42:43,274
All I've had today is a cheese dunker
and the crumbs from three Flake wrappers.
652
00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:48,599
Luckily, I've got a chicken salad,
which we can share if you like.
653
00:42:48,720 --> 00:42:52,429
And I've brought a blanket
so we can have a picnic.
654
00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:53,754
Oh!
655
00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:57,509
You're so kind! What a life-saver.
656
00:42:58,560 --> 00:43:00,710
Oh, I've got party plates!
657
00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:09,992
- I'm terribly sorry to bother you...
- Sorry, I don't know where the toilets are.
658
00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:11,678
No, you... you misunderstand.
659
00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:15,554
Erm, apparently,
you've been running one of my hos.
660
00:43:15,680 --> 00:43:18,877
- What?
- Gosh, this is awkward. Erm...
661
00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:23,118
Well, it's just that, technically,
another chap's ho is really sort of...
662
00:43:23,240 --> 00:43:25,595
Well, you know,
off-limits, as it were.
663
00:43:25,720 --> 00:43:29,918
- I don't even have a garden, so...
- Ho. Ho as in ' whore' .
664
00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:32,395
Oh, whore. Yeah, OK, yeah.
665
00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:35,956
No, I'm down with the jargon.
I know the lingo, yeah, patois, yeah.
666
00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:41,234
- I think in this case it's probably ebonics.
- Ebonics. Ebonics.
667
00:43:42,440 --> 00:43:44,749
Erm...
668
00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:46,472
Pen?
669
00:43:46,600 --> 00:43:48,556
No.
670
00:43:49,480 --> 00:43:51,436
- Pedal.
- No.
671
00:43:52,480 --> 00:43:54,789
Poly... polycarbide.
672
00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:58,151
- What, the oil-based plastic?
- Yes, made the dashboard. No?
673
00:43:58,280 --> 00:43:59,633
No.
674
00:43:59,760 --> 00:44:04,356
Oh, yeah, and I did buy her a Pot Noodle,
for something to eat, so I just... But, oh, here.
675
00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:07,517
Ah, much obliged. Oh, and now...
676
00:44:07,640 --> 00:44:09,198
Unless you want a good stabbing,
677
00:44:09,320 --> 00:44:13,108
I suggest you don't be stealing
no motherfucking hos off me again.
678
00:44:13,240 --> 00:44:15,196
Yes.
679
00:44:17,760 --> 00:44:19,716
Yeah.
680
00:44:20,600 --> 00:44:23,717
- Oh, oh, erm... Pigeon.
- No.
681
00:44:23,840 --> 00:44:26,673
- No. I was sure it was going to be pigeon.
- No.
682
00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:31,590
Oh, P. No, well, I give up.
I don't know. What? What?
683
00:44:31,720 --> 00:44:33,870
- Penis.
- No. Where?
684
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:35,797
- Right there.
- Oh!
685
00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:39,435
- No, it's just my finger.
- Oh, you... Well, that's F for finger, isn't it?
686
00:44:39,560 --> 00:44:41,949
- Yeah, well, that's my penis.
- No, that isn't your penis.
687
00:44:42,080 --> 00:44:45,789
Look, there's a woman, quick.
Get her. Give me the thing.
688
00:44:45,920 --> 00:44:48,673
Quick. Hold on a minute, madam. Come on.
689
00:44:50,680 --> 00:44:54,719
Well, that was much better than a restaurant.
690
00:44:54,840 --> 00:44:57,035
So...
691
00:44:57,160 --> 00:45:01,631
- Harry.
- Erm, could you call me something else?
692
00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:04,149
And not Harriet.
Ian calls me Harriet.
693
00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:08,637
Same goes for Hatty,
Mrs Chunky and Queen of Wobbles.
694
00:45:09,440 --> 00:45:12,716
Fine. Any preferences?
695
00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:14,717
Giselle.
696
00:45:14,840 --> 00:45:16,478
Giselle it is.
697
00:45:20,280 --> 00:45:24,319
I can't believe the ginger floor mop
has got a son.
698
00:45:25,280 --> 00:45:29,592
I'm not surprised she's kept it quiet.
I'd be ashamed too.
699
00:45:29,720 --> 00:45:32,712
Guy! We swore we wouldn't mention it again.
700
00:45:32,840 --> 00:45:35,877
I'm sure she's got her reasons
and we'll find out in due course.
701
00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:38,434
(phone rings )
702
00:45:38,560 --> 00:45:42,394
- Hello? She's not available at the moment.
- Who is it? Who is it? Is it him? Is it him?
703
00:45:42,520 --> 00:45:44,351
Yeah. Uh-huh. Hold on a sec.
704
00:45:44,480 --> 00:45:48,359
It's Trisha from the petting zoo.
She can get you a pig for 50 quid.
705
00:45:48,480 --> 00:45:54,635
She'll need it straight back after the photos
and she's not happy about it being in a lift.
706
00:45:54,760 --> 00:45:59,515
Will you stop pestering me?!
You bad nuisance caller!
707
00:45:59,640 --> 00:46:03,679
Oh, the imaginations
of some of these people!
708
00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:10,117
Are you all right with this?
I am married.
709
00:46:10,240 --> 00:46:14,552
Yeah, but he doesn't
appreciate your kindness.
710
00:46:19,320 --> 00:46:22,118
Actually, I should just warn you,
711
00:46:22,240 --> 00:46:26,995
it's been years since
I've been intimate with anyone.
712
00:46:27,120 --> 00:46:31,079
Well, I haven't been awake at the same time,
and that was with Ian, so that doesn't count.
713
00:46:31,200 --> 00:46:32,269
It'll be fine.
714
00:46:32,400 --> 00:46:34,436
So I'm just warning you,
in case I'm a bit jumpy.
715
00:46:34,560 --> 00:46:36,278
- Come on.
- (screams )
716
00:46:36,400 --> 00:46:39,437
- Oh, God! Sorry.
- Sorry, no, I liked it.
717
00:46:43,080 --> 00:46:48,234
Oh, don't touch me there!
Don't touch me there! Touch me there.
718
00:46:54,360 --> 00:46:56,954
Oh, I nearly wee'd.
719
00:46:57,080 --> 00:47:00,436
OK, right, we're playing this hand.
I think you're bluffing.
720
00:47:00,560 --> 00:47:02,551
But I haven't got any more money,
so you'll have to lend me some.
721
00:47:02,680 --> 00:47:05,638
- It doesn't have to be money.
- Well, I haven't got anything else.
722
00:47:05,760 --> 00:47:07,955
- My toaster?
- No.
723
00:47:08,080 --> 00:47:10,753
- I'll drive you into work for a week.
- No.
724
00:47:10,880 --> 00:47:13,030
What, then?
725
00:47:14,840 --> 00:47:16,751
- A kiss?
- I fold.
726
00:47:16,880 --> 00:47:18,598
- Your choice.
- You're bluffing.
727
00:47:18,720 --> 00:47:20,153
I am, yeah.
728
00:47:21,960 --> 00:47:25,635
- What sort of kiss? Not a snog?
- No, just a kiss.
729
00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:39,113
- OK, I'll see you for a kiss.
- Ah, well, read these and weep quite a lot.
730
00:47:42,760 --> 00:47:44,716
- A full house?
- Yes, that's right, baby.
731
00:47:44,840 --> 00:47:46,796
An entirely replete fixed abode.
732
00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:51,277
- Fuck, you weren't bluffing.
- I never do. Or do I?
733
00:47:55,200 --> 00:47:57,111
- Three jokers.
- Jacks.
734
00:47:57,240 --> 00:47:59,470
Four of clubs and a Hanged Man.
735
00:47:59,600 --> 00:48:02,433
Ah, another tarot, Caro.
736
00:48:02,560 --> 00:48:08,510
Right. Well, hard cheese, because you are
now rather poor and you owe me a kiss.
737
00:48:12,880 --> 00:48:17,032
Get it over with, then.
Not a snog, a kiss.
62244
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.