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1
00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:05,952
Those bits of my memory,
they're probably wiped for good,
2
00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,878
but I'm very glad that I'm catching up.
3
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:12,072
It feels like you and I
probably got on really well.
4
00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:17,636
- I feel a lot more grr.
- Oh, dear. Just lend yourself to me.
5
00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:20,558
You may not smack my bare bottom.
6
00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:24,229
You are trying to get fully reinstated.
How stupid can you be?
7
00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:27,557
Look into my eyes.
What's wrong with you? Come on.
8
00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:31,593
You have got a rubbish vagina.
9
00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:36,711
I love you.
10
00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:38,796
I love you too.
11
00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:44,512
(beeping)
12
00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:51,034
There we are.
13
00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:52,513
Oh.
14
00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:55,950
Hello.
Dr Alan Statham, new car owner.
15
00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:59,709
There she is. I wonder if you could indicate
where my parking space will be?
16
00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:01,796
(woman screams )
17
00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:09,079
Statham. W25.
18
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:12,670
- And where exactly is that?
- In overflow car park B.
19
00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:14,995
Right.
And where exactly would that be?
20
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:18,476
Right, well,
you've got to go down here, swing a left...
21
00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:26,148
- Whoa. OK?
- Oh, that was great!
22
00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:30,068
- Keep going right.
- No, no, there must be some mistake.
23
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:32,236
No. No, no, there's no mistake.
24
00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:35,193
' Dr Statham, radiologist.'
25
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:38,790
- Consultant radiologist. Statham.
- Whatever. That's your space.
26
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:43,152
- No, I should be over in one of those spaces.
- Sorry. They're reserved for doctors.
27
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:48,877
I am a bloody doctor,
you flappy-coated, fluorescent-gileted,
28
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,195
immigrated ignoramus!
29
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:55,996
Yeah, well, proper doctors.
Surgeons. People like him.
30
00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:03,833
- He doesn't need a space. He's got a bike.
- Yeah, well, he's still got a space. A3.
31
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,916
But he doesn't use it.
32
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:08,474
Well, no, but it's still his.
33
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:14,469
We'll see about that. Oh, yes.
Up it goes. The barrier please.
34
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:18,513
Come on, press the button.
All right, I'll vault it.
35
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,510
That's not proper hair.
36
00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,711
(car horn )
37
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:51,434
- Morning.
- Hm?
38
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:54,597
- Oh, a fish tank.
- Oh, well spotted.
39
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:58,076
- I don't think your fish is very well.
- Of course it isn't. It's dead.
40
00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:01,795
- Oh. That's a shame.
- No, it's not. I bought it dead.
41
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:05,071
It's there because it's dead and I'm not.
I'm alive. Ha!
42
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:07,156
Right.
43
00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:12,071
You idiot.
44
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:15,033
You dead gold idiot.
45
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,236
I'm not dead, I'm alive.
46
00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:21,755
Come on. Mush!
47
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,350
All right, Lance Armstrong, this will do.
48
00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:27,914
(groans )
49
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:30,679
- How much is that?
- It's GBP249, please.
50
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:34,554
GBP249 for severe anal bruising?
51
00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:40,718
W bloody... Huh!
That's it. That's it. Yes, oh, yes.
52
00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:45,516
Put yourself in there, Alan,
why don't you? Right. Right.
53
00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:50,116
Bloody Metro!
54
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,356
Get out the way!
55
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,474
Oh, careful.
Come on. Right.
56
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:06,636
You...!
57
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:16,078
It's just a mirror.
Just a mirror. All is vanity.
58
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:19,715
Oops. No.
Try again. Back out.
59
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,036
Advanced driving.
60
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:28,831
Get in there!
Come on, get in there!
61
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,315
Get in, car. Get in.
62
00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:36,792
Right.
Time for work.
63
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,796
- Hey.
- ' Hey.'
64
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,273
- Makeup?
- Yeah, for Karen.
65
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:09,628
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
66
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:13,673
- Mr Generous. Sure you can afford it?
- That is top quality. That cost a fortune.
67
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:17,679
Then you've wasted your money, haven't you?
It'll be like icing a dog turd.
68
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:21,190
Dress it up how you like,
it's still a dog turd.
69
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,993
- I think she's gonna look pretty.
- Is it magic makeup?
70
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,076
- No.
- Then you're wrong, aren't you?
71
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,794
She's gonna look like
a deformed dog clown.
72
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:31,309
Look, she's not deformed.
She's my girlfriend.
73
00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:33,396
- Yeah, not really.
- Yeah, really.
74
00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:36,557
She's a girl, she's my friend -
she's a girlfriend.
75
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:39,956
Well, Mac's a boy and he's your friend,
so is he your boyfriend?
76
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,640
- No.
- Then are you gonna buy him makeup?
77
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:45,149
- No.
- So your argument doesn't hold up, does it?
78
00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:47,635
- No.
- You're gonna have to practise arguing,
79
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:52,356
because I really do like a bit of a challenge,
all right? Oh, look. Here she comes.
80
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:57,998
You can tell the Billy Goats Gruff
it's safe to cross the bridge now!
81
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:04,636
- Is he saying that I look like an ugly troll?
- No, ignore him.
82
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:06,716
- Is that for me?
- Yep. A little present.
83
00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:10,389
Well, I mean,
only small in size, not in cost,
84
00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:13,512
cos actually it's big monetarily.
85
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,200
- Makeup?
- Yeah. You like it?
86
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,955
I'm an ugly troll.
87
00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:48,312
- Are you all right?
- Yes. This thing just fell off my car.
88
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:49,759
- It's your exhaust.
- Yes.
89
00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:54,476
Well, hopefully it's the last bad thing that can
happen to me. I've had my three in 15 hours.
90
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:58,798
This, Robbie's been excluded from school
for a week for peeing on the Virgin Mary
91
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:03,072
and my husband's thinking about leaving me
for Rosie pin-legs, slitty-eyed Kendall,
92
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:07,079
but he hasn't decided yet, so here's hoping
the day gets a teensy bit better!
93
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,430
And how are you?
94
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:10,993
- Yeah, I'm OK.
- Oh, good.
95
00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:14,078
- Hey, that's gonna be...
- It's hot! It's hot! Hot! Hot!
96
00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:19,551
How are you supposed to decide?
97
00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:22,513
You've got to narrow it down,
draw up a list of essentials.
98
00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:25,279
Do you want a garden?
Do you want access to a station?
99
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:29,473
Yeah, I'm not interested in any of that crap.
Here, I've made a list.
100
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:32,831
' Must have plasma TV.'
Is that it? Yeah?
101
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,916
Yeah, yeah.
102
00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:41,357
' Characterful.' You might as well just say,
' Listing to one side and riddled with mould.'
103
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:43,198
- Property ads?
- Lonely hearts.
104
00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:46,756
Yeah, I'm looking
for a new investment propertywise.
105
00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:49,314
Oh, what's wrong with the old flat?
106
00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:52,318
Things happened in it.
107
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,874
It's probably best to get a new place,
move on.
108
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:58,072
Yeah, that's what I thought.
And I managed to sell my old flat
109
00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:01,237
for four times what I paid for it.
110
00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:04,596
That's good.
111
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,076
Four times.
112
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,236
Yeah.
113
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,669
Seriously, though, four times.
114
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,676
- You should tell the nurses.
- Really?
115
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:20,031
- Yeah, they'd love to hear that.
- Cool.
116
00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:25,950
- They're gonna rip him to shreds.
- Yeah. Four times, hopefully.
117
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,556
- Morning.
- Morning.
118
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:35,554
- Oh, my God. What's that smell?
- What smell?
119
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,478
- That vegetable smell.
- Oh, gross!
120
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,797
- That's my shoes.
- Well, wash your feet or something. Jesus!
121
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,115
It's not my feet, it's my shoes.
122
00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:46,196
- They're vegetarian.
- Excuse me?
123
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,595
I'm wearing vegetarian shoes.
124
00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:50,950
- I object to wearing leather.
- They stink.
125
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,275
They're made out of natural by-products.
126
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:57,996
- What? Like shit?
- No, like banana skins, bamboo.
127
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:02,079
- You're wearing shoes made from bananas?
- No, these are gecko.
128
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,316
- Gecko's an animal.
- What?
129
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,635
- Yeah, it's a sort of lizard.
- Oh, my God!
130
00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:10,833
Yep, you're wearing lizard-skin shoes.
Murderer.
131
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,712
Ugh!
132
00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:19,076
- You just hit that pigeon.
- Double murderer!
133
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,871
Doctor...
134
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,156
Doct...
135
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:41,398
Mr Macartney, I'd like to talk to you
about your car parking space.
136
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,954
I was thinking about
putting some carrots on it.
137
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,594
I think you should
sign the space over to me.
138
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:50,315
- I don't think so.
- You don't need it, not with a bike.
139
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:53,989
It's my little piece of land,
where I can relax and get away from it all.
140
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,509
- That's... that's my mug.
- Oh.
141
00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:00,869
- ' World's greatest lover' of...?
- Of women, obviously.
142
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,549
- Was there a ceremony?
- No, it's a gift from a friend.
143
00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:07,478
- Who was that?
- (stammers ) Jo... Jo... M-my mother.
144
00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,192
- Your mother?
- Yes.
145
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:13,313
- Did your mum discover this first-hand?
- Don't be disgusting! Give it back.
146
00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:16,273
- I've not finished yet.
- Hurry up!
147
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,030
Right, that's enough.
Come on. Decant it.
148
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,674
- What?
- Decant it into another receptacle.
149
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,758
- Sorry, did you mean to say receptacle?
- I did s-say...
150
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,599
You said testicle.
' Decant it into another testicle.'
151
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,836
I demand my mug back!
152
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:38,270
Now you've said bum crack.
Did you really want to demand bum crack?
153
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:42,279
- What we need around here is more respect!
- Sorry, you meant to say respect.
154
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:45,949
- I... That's... I said respect.
- No, you said, ' Tickle my balls' .
155
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:49,755
- I... You...
- ' Tickle my balls.' I heard it very clearly.
156
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,950
Stupid! Stupid!
157
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:55,595
Right, well, yes.
The powers that be will decide
158
00:10:55,720 --> 00:11:00,032
what to do about your little carrot patch.
Yes. You'll see. Oh, you'll see.
159
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:04,199
- Who are you calling a parrot's snatch?
- You...!
160
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:17,671
Everyone says that's a bargain.
161
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:20,314
Can't see it myself.
162
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,755
No, me neither.
163
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:32,077
30 quid for a cello?
Rip off.
164
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:37,112
' Room for rent with Dr Todd.'
165
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,390
Nightmare.
166
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,192
Oh.
167
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,276
Looky, looky, looky.
168
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,278
' Life-drawing classes at lunchtimes.'
169
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:50,075
' Materials and model supplied.'
170
00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:00,510
- Hi, are you OK?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
171
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,757
Homeless, community service,
I'm like a big kid at Christmas.
172
00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:04,949
Yeah, sorry.
173
00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:09,198
Painting, cleaning, community sports coaching.
No one could be as excited as me.
174
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:13,916
I'm excited. Progress with Mac. Things may be
coming back about the day of the accident.
175
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:17,430
- Does he remember he tried to rape me?
- No, I think he knows about me and him.
176
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:21,712
But it's OK, there's no rush.
I'll just let things develop.
177
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:26,072
It's not like Emmy's a threat any more,
and Holly's all tied up with a husband, so...
178
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,760
- Huh.
- What?
179
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:32,270
- Nothing.
- You just said ' huh' .
180
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,550
No, I didn't.
181
00:12:34,680 --> 00:12:39,231
- You know something, don't you?
- Just something Angela said. It's nothing.
182
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:40,918
What?
183
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,996
- Not the face.
- Tell me.
184
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:45,759
I'd be betraying
the confidence of a friend.
185
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,917
OK. Yeah, yeah.
I can respect that.
186
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:56,353
OK. Holly split up with her husband
and she wishes she'd never let go of Mac.
187
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,949
Oh, dear.
That just sort of slipped out.
188
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:06,915
He doesn't use it. He's practically
a Hell's Angel. He doesn't use it.
189
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:11,079
- He doesn't warrant a whole space.
- I see.
190
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,112
- Well, I demand it. Hand it over to me.
- No.
191
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:17,915
- What do you mean, no?
- No. You can't have Dr Macartney's space.
192
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:21,476
The space is allocated to Surgery,
not Radiology.
193
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,875
Well... well, I object.
194
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,639
- Good for you. Goodbye.
- Well, no. No.
195
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:31,514
Not goodbye, actually.
Not goodbye.
196
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,872
Right, let me put it another way.
197
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:44,471
Yeah, well... Yes, well,
don't think I don't know what's going on.
198
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,352
No, I... Yes.
199
00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:49,392
Makes no difference to me.
200
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,353
You... Well, well you may.
201
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:57,750
Well, mm-hm.
All right. Don't think... Yes.
202
00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,189
Don't...
Yes, well, that's, uh...
203
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,629
Don't...
204
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:04,716
Don't think...
Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.
205
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:08,799
Don't think... don't think I don't know
what's going on there because this...
206
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:11,229
- Oh. This isn't the end of it.
- Oh, I think it is.
207
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:16,673
No, no, this isn't the end.
This isn't the end of the matter. Um, I'll...
208
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:20,190
Right, I shall...
Goodbye to you.
209
00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:25,549
No.
Oh! Sorry.
210
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:27,636
Sorry. No.
211
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,915
Coming through here!
212
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,356
Oh, lovely.
Thank you.
213
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,914
- What did you do then?
- I stole an ambulance.
214
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,473
- Wicked.
- Yeah.
215
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:03,319
- Did you sell it on?
- No, I drove off a cliff.
216
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:04,509
- Cool.
- Yeah.
217
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:08,633
- Why?
- I was avoiding a sheep in a field.
218
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:12,797
- What about you? What did you do?
- Graffiti on the bridge.
219
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:16,959
Oh, right. So sort of the punishment
fits the crime, you know. What did you write?
220
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:20,277
Was it your...
221
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:21,799
' tag' ?
222
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:24,195
No, it was class war.
223
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:27,153
' Death to the middle classes.'
224
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:29,714
(imitates cockney accent) Yeah.
225
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,673
Fuckin' right!
226
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:38,396
- Don't do that.
- Sorry.
227
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:49,194
Nice deep breaths.
That's it, nice and slowly.
228
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:53,879
Right.
229
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:55,752
Hup!
230
00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:00,995
There we are.
Don't worry.
231
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:06,512
Right, there we are.
Don't worry, I'm not your baby. Just...
232
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:09,438
There we go.
Easy does it.
233
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:13,155
There. Yes.
I thought I might help it along a bit.
234
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,636
All right, Guy?
235
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:26,116
- Missed a bit.
- (whispers ) Go away. Go away.
236
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,434
A lot of people seem to know you.
Do you work here?
237
00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:35,473
Yeah, I'm a... porter.
238
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,477
A what?
239
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,909
(imitates cockney accent) A por-ahhh.
240
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:42,190
- A por-ah!
- Oh, yeah?
241
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,788
Keep up. Yeah.
242
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:50,392
I just push stuff araaaaand.
243
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:54,796
- Doctors, eh? Wankers, in't they?
- Yeah. Well, although...
244
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:56,956
- What?
- Nothing.
245
00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:01,316
Morning, Dr Secretan.
246
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:05,590
Winker!
247
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,915
What a total nurb.
248
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,508
Kno... Nib. Knob. Nub!
249
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,392
You nub!
250
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,795
You fricking nib. Knob.
251
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,558
Nub.
252
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:18,636
Wanker.
253
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:21,836
Oh, bollocks!
254
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:34,879
Right, let's have a check underneath,
see how it's going.
255
00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:39,593
Yeah, lovely.
Just see the head.
256
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:43,473
Right.
Well done. Excellent.
257
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,874
- It's great without Guy, isn't it?
- Mm.
258
00:17:55,920 --> 00:18:00,436
- It's like we're proper doctors.
- All grown-up and sensible.
259
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:12,390
OK, how about types of fish? I bet you that
I can name more types of fish than you can.
260
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,635
Yes, I expect you can.
261
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,476
(Mac) Hm.
262
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:24,033
Oh, have you seen
that new Irish nurse, eh?
263
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,311
Phwoar.
She's a bit of all right, eh? Huh?
264
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,749
I'm a married man, so...
265
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:38,276
OK, here's one. How many kidney dishes
can you balance on your head? I can do 14.
266
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,595
I bet you can't beat 14.
267
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:46,111
I'm sure I can't.
You must have a very good sense of balance.
268
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,471
Yeah.
Well, yeah. I have.
269
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,875
If I could have your attention please,
little people?
270
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,508
Thank you. That's better.
271
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:02,359
Today we're going to learn a new game
called Guyball.
272
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:05,392
- Gheeball.
- Has anyone heard of it?
273
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:10,116
Well, this is Guy Secretan and he's very kindly
agreed to teach you the rules.
274
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,835
I haven't agreed to do anything.
I have to do it. It's community service
275
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,349
cos I was a very naughty man.
276
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:19,392
- What did you do?
- Your mum, then I ate her. Next question?
277
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:22,080
Dr Secret Man,
I do have to file a report on you.
278
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:27,228
No, no, that's all part of the training. That's
what we Guyballers do - insult the opponents.
279
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:33,356
We call it ' splicing the Matterhorn' . Let's give
it a go. Why don't we all insult each other?
280
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:37,557
Come on. All right.
Come on, Wheelie. You have a go.
281
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:39,796
- Cockspanker.
- Cockspanker's weird.
282
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:41,638
- Dickhead!
- You're a dickhead.
283
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:45,230
- Wanker!
- Yeah, all right. That's probably enough.
284
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,715
Twat.
Right, let's go.
285
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,230
How's it working for you?
286
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,953
It's almost like he's back with us.
287
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,798
That's great.
Can you say something really twattish?
288
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:03,957
- Like what?
- Oh, I don't know, like, uh...
289
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:08,278
Switzerland has the highest average
sperm count in the world.
290
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,994
- Actually, can I take this off?
- (both ) No.
291
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:16,158
It's for the younger patients.
It makes them happy.
292
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:19,238
- They're asleep.
- What if they wake up really suddenly?
293
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:21,316
I'll make sure they don't wake up.
294
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,396
Murderer.
295
00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:29,392
I actually think that's in very poor taste.
296
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:32,994
(both ) Ooooooh.
297
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:39,831
- (Guy ) Right, what's this called?
- A maison?
298
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,599
No! I've already explained
what a maison is. Jesus!
299
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,870
An Emmenthal loop?
300
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,592
- Am I crouching?
- No.
301
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,790
- Am I displaying a cleft mitten?
- No.
302
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,912
Then how the fucking hell
can it be an Emmenthal loop?
303
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,952
- It's a classical heist.
- It looks like a classical heist,
304
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:58,993
but when the topmiler
is geometrically loaded, it's a...
305
00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:01,714
- (all) Fat chalet.
- Fat chalet.
306
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,638
Now we're getting somewhere.
Right.
307
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:06,876
Commence!
308
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,597
All the blues over here.
Right.
309
00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:17,352
See that post over there? We're gonna run to
that post. Are you ready? One, two, three, go!
310
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,436
What are you doing?
311
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,875
Stickles are orthodox
312
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,036
and it's a four-bounce ubique.
313
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:36,189
Aaaaaaaaargh!
314
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:41,394
Right, you. No, don't...
Shh, don't be alarmed. I'm a radiologist.
315
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:44,114
- You are?
- I'm not telling you who I am.
316
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,993
- No, I need to know what you do.
- Do?
317
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:50,317
- Your job. What's your bloody job?
- I'm a laundry operative.
318
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,715
Laundry.
Yes, unbelievable, isn't it? Look.
319
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,513
Cook, cook, odd-jobman,
320
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,995
nurse, nurse.
321
00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:02,591
Me, radiologist, skip. How does that work?
Hm? How does that bloody work?
322
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:06,679
No, don't go, because I need you to sign...
I need you to sign my pet...
323
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,916
I need you to sign my peti...
All right.
324
00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:12,112
- Just wait there a second. Now then.
- (car starts )
325
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:14,515
Don't drive off.
326
00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:21,557
- (Kim ) Policy review papers.
- Go away.
327
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:25,194
- Have you gone away?
- No.
328
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:28,232
If you're having trouble,
you should really see somebody.
329
00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:31,432
I'm not having trouble.
What makes you think I am?
330
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:34,552
- It's just you...
- When my eyes are tired, I use eye drops.
331
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:36,557
Is that a crime? Is it?
332
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:39,956
No, it isn't, but that's liquid paper.
333
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,396
I know.
334
00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:47,954
Ow. Oh.
335
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:49,832
Oh!
336
00:22:56,200 --> 00:23:00,193
You surgeons think you're God's gift
with your nimbleness and your scrubbing up
337
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,278
and your scrubbing down
and your preferential parking.
338
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:04,753
Thank you.
339
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,474
Well, you're wrong,
because I am like the architect.
340
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:10,558
You are the navvies
who just come and do the dirty work.
341
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:13,240
We are the fighter pilots of the hospital.
342
00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:17,148
You are the idiots with the Ping-Pong bats
showing us where to park.
343
00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:19,635
No. No, no, no.
A monkey could do your job.
344
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:21,034
- Yeah?
- Yes.
345
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:23,628
- Which monkey?
- Just a monkey.
346
00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:26,513
What's his name?
We need all the surgeons we can get.
347
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,154
- He's called Graham.
- Graham? Graham the monkey.
348
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:32,909
- Yes.
- Hm. Could you get me an introduction?
349
00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:35,838
- No. He's gone on holiday.
- Oh.
350
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,633
Where's he gone?
Somewhere nice?
351
00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:42,670
Wye Valley.
352
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:45,676
Canoeing.
353
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,358
Where's the nudie?
354
00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:59,232
Martin!
355
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:04,314
- What are you doing here?
- I've just come to let my artistic juices flow.
356
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:08,672
What happened? Did somebody snap your
bits off? You're smoother than an Action Man.
357
00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:11,951
I'm the model.
I'm strapped for cash, so...
358
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:15,197
Um, what's that?
359
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:18,915
Well, I thought that, you know,
if it just looked like I was naked,
360
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:22,510
that would be good enough,
so I made this out of some old tights.
361
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,279
Please take it off.
362
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:26,549
Right.
363
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:28,033
Ooh.
364
00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:29,912
- (teacher) Take a seat.
- Yeah.
365
00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:36,598
- Doreen from Prisoner.: Cell Block H, isn't it?
- Oh, yeah, here we go.
366
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:39,678
Anyone would think
the staff here had never seen overalls.
367
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:44,635
- Do you know what makes my blood boil?
- Gas mark 4? Blowtorch? Gingerism?
368
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,990
Yes, yes, and no.
369
00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:51,910
Also cosmetic surgery.
It is such a waste of resources.
370
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:57,272
If you've had an accident, that is fine.
If it's for vanity, it's completely obscene.
371
00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:01,109
You know what? I have to say, for once,
I'm entirely in agreement with you.
372
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:03,549
Then I must be wrong.
I'll rethink my position.
373
00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:07,116
Why go to such extremes when
there are other things a woman could do?
374
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,435
The world seems strange
and unfamiliar.
375
00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:14,156
I've never met a woman yet who doesn't look
better with my bollocks resting on her chin.
376
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:19,832
- 100% improvement right there.
- And once again order has been restored.
377
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:33,749
(teacher) Uh, Martin,
you'll have to take those off.
378
00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,072
No, your undercrackers.
379
00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:45,239
We haven't all coughed up 75 quid
to paint a wee elf in his Y-fronts, so come on.
380
00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:49,194
Pop off your little pants
and straddle the chair.
381
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,390
OK, but promise
you don't look at my cock.
382
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,875
Well, that's the whole point
of you being here,
383
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:57,276
so that the students
can study every part of you in fine detail.
384
00:25:57,400 --> 00:26:01,313
- What, including my cock?
- Yes. Including your cock.
385
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:04,318
I don't like the idea
of them doing it without me knowing.
386
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:10,356
Can we have a system that when anybody's
staring at my cock, they put their hand up?
387
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,278
In real life, or just in here?
388
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,595
Just in here really.
389
00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:25,435
- Martin!
- What?
390
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:28,876
Wee Willie Winkie's not so wee!
391
00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:34,314
Nearly had my...
nearly had my eye out with that.
392
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:43,198
Yeah, I don't want to speak to you.
Get Brian.
393
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,708
Get Brian.
394
00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:48,876
No, get Brian.
395
00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:52,195
Get Brian.
396
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:55,310
Get Brian.
397
00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,028
Get Brian.
398
00:26:58,280 --> 00:26:59,918
Get Brian.
399
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,559
Get Brian.
400
00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:03,153
Get Brian.
401
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:04,628
Get Brian.
402
00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:06,154
Get Brian.
403
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,236
Get Bri...
404
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:11,116
- She's getting him.
- Did you make her cry?
405
00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:13,629
- Yeah.
- You must be very proud.
406
00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,513
- You've got paperclips stuck to your hand.
- Have I?
407
00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:19,791
Oh, it must be a full moon.
My hand goes magnetic, I don't know...
408
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:22,070
Brian!
At fucking last!
409
00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,794
Listen,
I asked for a two-bedroom house.
410
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:29,471
You've sent me three flats,
a studio apartment and a haystack.
411
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:34,549
Yeah, thatched cottage my scrotum.
What are you going to do about it?
412
00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:39,037
- Redfern Road, nice or nasty?
- Hm. Quite nice. There's a tree.
413
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:42,311
OK, I'm listening.
Yeah. Mm-hm.
414
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:45,432
Yep. Right, OK.
Neighbours?
415
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:49,199
Brian.
Brian, what did I say to you?
416
00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:51,390
Hey? What...
417
00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:56,275
I said no old people, no kids,
no dogs, no hippies, no farmers and?
418
00:27:56,400 --> 00:28:00,439
No hairdressers!
You're fucking useless, Brian!
419
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:04,712
No! No, no, no. No, no.
My price range is not the problem, Brian.
420
00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:06,592
You are the problem.
421
00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:09,359
Oh, just put the girl back on.
422
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:12,711
Well, tell her to blow her nose
and put the girl back on.
423
00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:15,752
Put the girl back on.
Put the girl back on.
424
00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:21,159
Put the girl back on. Put the girl back on.
Put the girl... Hello? Hello?
425
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:23,430
- Blacklisted?
- I might be.
426
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:25,755
- How many's that now then?
- I don't know.
427
00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:27,836
- Ballpark figure will do.
- All of them.
428
00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:29,712
Mm-hm.
429
00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:38,273
- Beach Drive?
- Too close to the sea.
430
00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:44,276
- What are you doing?
- 90% of notes are coated in cocaine residue.
431
00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:47,278
- I'm cleaning them.
- Ooh, cocaine.
432
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:51,029
- Very rock and... I've never taken any drugs.
- Never?
433
00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:53,628
Well, I've had epidurals.
They were quite nice.
434
00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:57,036
- And gas and air. And I like Tia Maria.
- We could help you out.
435
00:28:57,160 --> 00:29:01,790
- If you're feeling adventurous.
- Oh, no, I don't think so.
436
00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:04,992
- Why are you smiling then?
- I don't know.
437
00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:24,595
- Stop it.
- What?
438
00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:26,119
- That.
- I'm just smiling.
439
00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:28,390
- I know.
- So do you want me to stop?
440
00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:31,557
- Yes. No.
- Well, I'll carry on then.
441
00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:37,276
Do you, um...
442
00:29:39,480 --> 00:29:41,596
- Want to come round my gaff?
- Your gaff?
443
00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:45,872
- That's not rude.
- I'm not coming if it's not rude.
444
00:29:57,120 --> 00:29:59,076
Guess who?
445
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:05,953
- Holly.
- Hi!
446
00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:15,035
So don't I get a hello?
447
00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:18,271
Hello.
448
00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:20,795
- Hi.
- Hi.
449
00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:23,514
- I'm Holly.
- I'm Caroline.
450
00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:25,835
You're an old friend.
451
00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:28,474
Not that old.
We were together for six years.
452
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:32,275
We were together for six seconds.
And then you put your hands over his eyes.
453
00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:34,755
- Can I ask a personal question?
- Yes, you may.
454
00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:37,952
They are in fact real,
but you of all people should know that.
455
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:40,514
Yeah, the question is,
why are you here?
456
00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:44,235
Is it because
here is where I start work today?
457
00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:49,752
- You're joking.
- I know. Isn't it fantastic?
458
00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:55,273
- It's gonna be just like old times.
- It won't be like old times at all probably.
459
00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:58,472
I just mean that we'll be working
in the same hospital.
460
00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:02,912
Yes, that. Yeah. But that'll be
the only similarity, I should think.
461
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:06,430
I couldn't believe my luck.
I'd just come off the plane from New York.
462
00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:09,791
I was keeping a lookout for a placement,
and then Angela rings me
463
00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:13,959
to say she's leaving her job here,
and I'm like, ' Ah!' Brilliant timing or what?
464
00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:15,832
What.
465
00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:18,113
Sorry. Is there a problem?
466
00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:20,196
- Yes.
- No.
467
00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:27,672
Oh, well. What a lot of fun
we're all going to have together.
468
00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:29,836
Yeah, it's gonna be great.
469
00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:33,919
I see I've made
a fab new friend already.
470
00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:38,318
Yeah, well, um, we have to get off to theatre,
Mac and me, me and Mac, don't we?
471
00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:41,034
- Yeah, we do. Yeah.
- OK, great.
472
00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:44,869
Have a good time. I should try and find out
where the locker rooms are.
473
00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:49,710
I think someone was gonna show me,
you know, but I don't know where they went.
474
00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:52,035
- Mac...
- I'm just...
475
00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:57,792
No, I'm just gonna point her stupid nose
in the right direction.
476
00:31:57,920 --> 00:32:00,832
I'll see you in theatre.
477
00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:04,430
- This way.
- You loved my stupid nose, remember?
478
00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:15,598
Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim. Yeah. I just wanted
to say thanks for organising the eye thing.
479
00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:17,358
Oh, that's OK.
480
00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:39,514
Shitting hilarious.
481
00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:43,599
You all think you're so farting funny,
don't you?
482
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:47,956
Where the hell is Mac?
483
00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:50,799
You don't trust him.
You think he might be with Holly.
484
00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:55,198
- Don't be ridiculous. Of course I trust him.
- Yeah, you don't trust him.
485
00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:58,915
You think he might be
cuddling her and kissing her
486
00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:01,110
and loving her and fingering her...
487
00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:03,515
Swiss mouth shut!
488
00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:06,948
Perhaps they've eloped.
489
00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:10,470
Shut up now or I will slit your throat,
so help me God.
490
00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:13,153
Ta-da!
491
00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:15,236
(sings clown music)
492
00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:28,597
And if he sees you playing puppets again,
he will kill you. And I will gladly help him.
493
00:33:41,240 --> 00:33:42,389
(knocking at door)
494
00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:45,273
- Come.
- Some...
495
00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:55,673
Can you take that down please?
496
00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:57,631
No.
497
00:33:58,680 --> 00:34:00,750
Well, can I buy it?
498
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:03,512
No.
499
00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:16,996
Get out.
500
00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:27,956
(mobile rings )
501
00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:32,000
Mungo. Mungo!
Mungooo!
502
00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:35,874
Hello... It's Mungo.
Hello, you jizz fountain. How are you?
503
00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:37,911
Yeah.
504
00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:40,152
Hm.
505
00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:43,873
- Hello.
- (Mac) What are you doing here?
506
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:51,475
Hm? Oh, I just thought
I would park myself in your space. Hm?
507
00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:55,309
Make sure that
there are no car-diac problems.
508
00:34:55,440 --> 00:34:59,672
- It's quite a simple procedure actually.
- Oh. Oh, is it? Oh, is it indeed, Mrs Todd?
509
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:05,750
So... so you would be prepared,
would you, if something like this happened?
510
00:35:07,720 --> 00:35:13,078
Oh, dear. There seem to be
some complications now, Mr Blue Peter Boy.
511
00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:16,272
- What did he just do?
- He just took the gall bladder.
512
00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:18,436
- No, I didn't.
- You did. It's in your hand.
513
00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:20,312
No, it isn't.
514
00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:22,635
Open your hand.
515
00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:25,875
Open your hand.
516
00:35:28,200 --> 00:35:30,191
Are you eating the patient?
517
00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:32,038
No.
518
00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:33,115
(gags )
519
00:35:33,240 --> 00:35:35,674
- Dr Statham's eaten a gall bladder.
- I haven't.
520
00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:37,358
Open your mouth.
521
00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:41,155
- Open your mouth and spit it out.
- Open your mouth.
522
00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:45,676
All gone!
523
00:35:47,640 --> 00:35:49,596
(Statham retches )
524
00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:03,272
(whimpers )
525
00:36:10,480 --> 00:36:12,755
You will not believe
what has just occurred.
526
00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:16,350
I know. Mungo's prosthetic cock
snapped off inside some bint.
527
00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:22,237
He was too embarrassed to tell her, so she
went home with it. She's still got it up her.
528
00:36:24,960 --> 00:36:27,110
- Hey, did you call for IT support?
- Yes.
529
00:36:27,240 --> 00:36:30,277
I can't seem to make
these words big enough.
530
00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:35,757
That's more of a software thing
than an IT issue.
531
00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:39,156
But let's see what we can do.
Which words do you want to make bigger?
532
00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:42,795
' 7th' , ' Robbie's Birthday Party'
and ' Balloons' .
533
00:36:43,840 --> 00:36:46,718
- It's not a work thing as such.
- It's no problem.
534
00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:50,833
You just highlight the bits you want
and then you click on this button here.
535
00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:52,359
Oh!
536
00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:55,950
- Can you make them bigger than that?
- Yeah.
537
00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:59,390
- And can you make them bright pink?
- Pink?
538
00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:02,273
- Isn't Robbie a boy?
- He's gay.
539
00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:09,478
Maybe a picture of a kitten?
540
00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:12,512
Oh, that's brilliant!
Thank you so much.
541
00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:14,596
Any time.
542
00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:23,913
- Oooooooooh!
- Fuck off!
543
00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:39,430
Hi. Hi, Carol, isn't it?
544
00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:43,155
- Nearly.
- Yes! Sorry, Carol. I need that.
545
00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:45,392
Sorry.
546
00:37:46,440 --> 00:37:48,396
- You weren't hiding, were you?
- No.
547
00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:52,354
It's just I came round the corner,
I caught your eye, and you were like this.
548
00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:57,395
No, it's just I'm myopic. I'm short-sighted.
I have to have things very, very close.
549
00:37:57,520 --> 00:38:02,196
Poor you. Because I do appreciate that
things are pretty awkward between you and I.
550
00:38:02,320 --> 00:38:06,359
I mean, what with me
being his most significant ex and you...
551
00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:07,799
Mm-hm.
552
00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:11,912
..being whatever it is that you are.
553
00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:16,158
It's just, I think... I just think it would be
really nice if we could just get along.
554
00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:20,239
Yeah, no, absolutely. Personally,
I get along with lots of people. Loads.
555
00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:23,511
I'm always getting along with people.
I have since I was a baby.
556
00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:26,950
- Although when I was 13 I didn't get on...
- Now I've made you witter.
557
00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:30,789
- You haven't. I don't witter.
- Great, because we could make it as friends.
558
00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:35,948
And I would hate you to think for a second
that I am in any way interested in Paul.
559
00:38:36,080 --> 00:38:39,356
- Who?
- Paul. Sorry, what do you call him? In Mac.
560
00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:42,392
Sorry, I used to call him Paul.
561
00:38:42,520 --> 00:38:45,990
- He used to call me John.
- Why? Were you a man?
562
00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:49,829
(giggles ) Only at the weekends!
No, no. It was a silly thing, really.
563
00:38:49,960 --> 00:38:53,350
It was just Lennon and McCartney -
best combination in the world.
564
00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:56,278
Until one of them died,
of course. Shot.
565
00:38:57,160 --> 00:39:00,152
And I just wanted to explain
566
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:03,078
that despite how I felt about him then,
567
00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:05,998
I'm not here to lure Mac away from you.
568
00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:08,793
I don't think you could lure him anyway.
569
00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:14,197
Right. No.
Well, I'm sure you're right.
570
00:39:14,720 --> 00:39:16,153
Um...
571
00:39:16,280 --> 00:39:18,919
You know,
you're so much nicer than you seem.
572
00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:23,113
- Mac is so lucky to have had you as a friend.
- Has, has, has, has me as a friend.
573
00:39:23,240 --> 00:39:26,630
Yeah, ' has' , that's what I said.
Had. Yeah.
574
00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:30,469
OK, I'm off, mate.
See you.
575
00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:33,114
OK. Yeah, yeah.
Bye, then, John.
576
00:39:33,240 --> 00:39:35,196
Linda.
577
00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:50,229
No! No, stop it!
Everybody go away. This isn't...
578
00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:53,079
- Put the sausage off! Sausages off.
- Hey, guys.
579
00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:57,273
Don't talk to me.
I've got no eyes... No ears for you. No ears.
580
00:39:57,400 --> 00:40:02,554
Boyce! Leave them alone.
They've probably got chlamydia. Come on!
581
00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:18,714
And you are here because?
582
00:40:20,040 --> 00:40:22,952
Uh... I've got no idea.
Do you have to have that there?
583
00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:24,308
Yeah.
584
00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:26,635
Right.
585
00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:29,672
- Did you paint it?
- Oh, yeah.
586
00:40:31,440 --> 00:40:34,398
- You know, he's not that big in real life.
- He is.
587
00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:38,114
You know, you could paint me.
588
00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:42,395
Not got enough paint?
589
00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:46,034
You know, if he's that size,
590
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:52,276
that's me.
591
00:40:55,080 --> 00:41:00,518
And that's Mac. And I know that
because I watch him when he showers.
592
00:41:05,760 --> 00:41:08,069
I've got nothing to say to you people.
593
00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:09,519
- Apart from that.
- Yes.
594
00:41:09,640 --> 00:41:11,471
- And that.
- Yes. Sh! Stop it.
595
00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:14,398
- Shame cos he won't be able to thank us.
- Oh, yeah.
596
00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:19,150
For what? For being a pair
of cocky-headed little interferers?
597
00:41:19,280 --> 00:41:23,671
No, no. Actually,
for fixing you up with a new parking space.
598
00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:25,677
- What?
- Yeah, sorted.
599
00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:29,475
- Is it... is it closer?
- Well, it's as close as we could get it.
600
00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:30,874
- Yeah.
- Right. I see.
601
00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:33,912
- But we did the best we could.
- We felt guilty, to be honest.
602
00:41:34,040 --> 00:41:37,237
- I suppose an apology is in order then.
- No, don't say a word.
603
00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:41,148
- Well, thank you very much.
- Yeah, an apology has to be in writing.
604
00:41:41,280 --> 00:41:43,919
I shouldn't judge a book by its cover.
605
00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:48,238
I shouldn't judge the books
by their covers.
606
00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:54,310
I feel a new mutual respect
has been achieved.
607
00:41:54,440 --> 00:41:55,998
So...
608
00:41:56,120 --> 00:41:58,509
So that's very good.
609
00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:05,232
Right.
610
00:42:05,360 --> 00:42:09,319
I know I've been a bit embarrassed
about these, but what the hell.
611
00:42:09,440 --> 00:42:12,000
If you need glasses, you need glasses.
612
00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:14,236
So, um...
613
00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:18,230
get your sniggering
over and done with.
614
00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:20,590
- Very nice.
- Really?
615
00:42:20,720 --> 00:42:23,678
- Yeah, they really suit you.
- Oh, thanks.
616
00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:27,315
It's amazing what you miss
and you don't even realise. Look, look, see.
617
00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:32,309
' The implications of article 18A, B and C...'
See, no problem.
618
00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:35,351
Fucking hell!
619
00:42:35,480 --> 00:42:39,758
My hands! What's happened to my hands?
They're chicken's feet.
620
00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:41,836
Christ!
621
00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:50,028
My eyes.
My old, old fucking eyes.
622
00:42:56,480 --> 00:42:59,631
My hands, my eyes,
my eyes, my hands! My...
623
00:42:59,760 --> 00:43:01,716
Ugh!
624
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:13,270
So the woman in New York
is a friend of Mark's brother.
625
00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:19,839
And the administrator is only married to
his sister. The whole thing is very incestuous.
626
00:43:19,960 --> 00:43:22,554
- Whoa, are you all right?
- Sorry. Sorry.
627
00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:24,636
I'm fine.
628
00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:27,992
So,
629
00:43:28,120 --> 00:43:30,236
what did you make of the Big Apple?
630
00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:32,396
A big apple crumble.
631
00:43:33,440 --> 00:43:38,798
- Glad to see you haven't grown up.
- Oh, no, he has. He's a Big Mac now.
632
00:43:39,480 --> 00:43:42,870
So basically I had this choice
between a well-paid job over here
633
00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:47,869
or something more intellectually stimulating
over there. A chance to give something back.
634
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:51,231
Maybe leaving
was the craziest thing I ever did,
635
00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:54,113
apart from letting Mac go, of course.
636
00:43:54,240 --> 00:43:56,595
(Mac) I remember
the craziest thing you did.
637
00:43:56,720 --> 00:43:59,393
Not now. Guy, what was
the craziest thing you ever did?
638
00:43:59,520 --> 00:44:01,670
- I screwed my mum.
- Nice. Nice one.
639
00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:05,190
- Yeah, no, what Guy means actually...
- Well, no, no, let me finish.
640
00:44:05,320 --> 00:44:08,232
I screwed my mum up
641
00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:12,319
by doing really dangerous sports
and risking my neck for no apparent reason.
642
00:44:12,440 --> 00:44:15,000
- Yeah.
- (Caroline) Yeah, yeah. It drove her mad.
643
00:44:15,120 --> 00:44:17,554
- What dangerous sports?
- Yeah, what sports?
644
00:44:17,680 --> 00:44:20,319
Well, you know, like...
645
00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:21,839
jet skiing.
646
00:44:21,960 --> 00:44:24,758
Jet skiing?
Is that dangerous?
647
00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:27,678
Standard jet skiing, no,
but this was the sort
648
00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:33,591
where you strap the jet engine
from an aeroplane to the back and let it rip.
649
00:44:33,720 --> 00:44:35,517
300 miles an hour.
650
00:44:35,640 --> 00:44:37,710
- 300 miles an hour?
- Yeah. Yes.
651
00:44:37,840 --> 00:44:39,717
Wow.
652
00:44:39,840 --> 00:44:41,592
Voom.
653
00:44:41,720 --> 00:44:43,312
- Splash.
- Splash?
654
00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:46,159
- Voom, splash, surely.
- Have you ever done it?
655
00:44:46,280 --> 00:44:47,349
- No.
- Shut up then.
656
00:44:47,480 --> 00:44:52,395
Yeah, OK. Cheers.
It must have really screwed your mum up.
657
00:44:55,080 --> 00:44:57,036
Hello.
658
00:45:03,480 --> 00:45:05,038
Well.
659
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:07,674
Oh. Well, well, well.
660
00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:10,999
Well...
661
00:45:11,120 --> 00:45:13,270
Well. Well, bloody...
Bloody well.
662
00:45:13,400 --> 00:45:15,356
Oh, yeah?
663
00:45:17,720 --> 00:45:19,915
That's, uh...
664
00:45:20,040 --> 00:45:22,918
Well, well, well. Hm.
665
00:45:24,440 --> 00:45:27,398
Well, well, bloody...
You bloody...
666
00:45:39,720 --> 00:45:42,917
Now we're alone,
I hear there's a room going in your house.
667
00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:46,476
- Uh, no, I don't think so.
- All right, let me put it another way.
668
00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:49,876
Now Angela has been sold
into porn slavery in sunny Toronto...
669
00:45:50,000 --> 00:45:52,195
- Has she?
- Well, you know, who cares?
670
00:45:52,320 --> 00:45:55,471
There is a space in your place
671
00:45:55,600 --> 00:45:58,637
and there's me
needing somewhere to be,
672
00:45:58,760 --> 00:46:03,754
and, you know,
the problems interweave like a Jacquard loom.
673
00:46:03,880 --> 00:46:06,997
- I don't understand.
- It's a primitive punch-card system.
674
00:46:07,120 --> 00:46:10,351
- I wasn't talking about the loom.
- Can I have a room in your flat?
675
00:46:10,480 --> 00:46:11,833
- House.
- House. Can I?
676
00:46:11,960 --> 00:46:14,315
Just for a bit,
until I get myself sorted out.
677
00:46:14,440 --> 00:46:17,159
Please? Don't look at him.
Don't look at him, look at me.
678
00:46:17,280 --> 00:46:20,397
Please? I need somewhere.
My life's so complex and difficult.
679
00:46:20,520 --> 00:46:24,479
- It's just complex and hard. Can I please?
- Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, whatever! Yes!
680
00:46:24,600 --> 00:46:26,556
Yes!
681
00:46:29,600 --> 00:46:34,879
A sabot, or the sabot,
was a kind of wooden clog
682
00:46:35,000 --> 00:46:37,036
worn by impoverished French workers.
683
00:46:37,160 --> 00:46:42,359
As a protest against the Jacquard loom, which
they thought would take away their jobs,
684
00:46:42,480 --> 00:46:47,110
they'd throw their sabots, or wooden clogs,
into the delicate machinery
685
00:46:47,240 --> 00:46:51,711
to destroy its working, from which
we get the modern word ' sabotage' .
686
00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:54,877
Yeah, right. Now you've ??harshed my buzz,
have you got a point?
687
00:46:55,000 --> 00:47:01,235
If your plan to move in with Caroline is in any
way an attempt to sabotage our relationship,
688
00:47:01,360 --> 00:47:05,273
I will hit you in the fucking face
with a big wooden clog.
689
00:47:05,400 --> 00:47:07,436
- Found it.
- Great.
690
00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:09,915
Has Caroline gone already?
Oh, dear.
691
00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:13,669
What was the first bit again?
About the... the loom?
692
00:47:13,800 --> 00:47:15,677
Flatmate!
693
00:47:19,800 --> 00:47:23,076
- Where do you think you're going?
- You were giving me a lift.
694
00:47:23,200 --> 00:47:24,155
No.
695
00:47:24,280 --> 00:47:29,070
Well, I thought we'd agreed so that,
you know, I can inspect my new lodgings.
696
00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:33,751
We agreed nothing. I have to tidy up first.
You can't just come round tonight.
697
00:47:33,880 --> 00:47:36,348
- Oh, my God!
- What?
698
00:47:36,480 --> 00:47:38,835
I'm not sure, but...
699
00:47:38,960 --> 00:47:41,679
I think I just saw a snake
700
00:47:41,800 --> 00:47:43,836
getting into your car.
701
00:47:44,880 --> 00:47:46,836
Would you feel safer if I came with you?
702
00:47:46,960 --> 00:47:50,919
The door is locked.
How would a snake be getting into it?
703
00:47:51,040 --> 00:47:55,670
- Through the exhaust.
- Guy, the answer is no.
704
00:47:55,800 --> 00:48:00,237
Hey, guys. Paul's giving me a ride and then
we might go and get something to eat.
705
00:48:00,360 --> 00:48:02,316
No, I never said that.
I just said a lift.
706
00:48:02,440 --> 00:48:05,113
Carolyn,
where's the best place to eat around here?
707
00:48:05,240 --> 00:48:07,913
Oh, uh...
708
00:48:08,040 --> 00:48:10,076
I can't remember.
709
00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:14,318
Maybe we could all go.
We could just all go together.
710
00:48:14,440 --> 00:48:19,195
Uh, no. I think Guy and I
will just get a snack back at home.
711
00:48:19,320 --> 00:48:21,151
- OK. See you.
- Yeah.
712
00:48:21,280 --> 00:48:24,556
- Ciao. Bye.
- Bye, bye, bye, bye.
713
00:48:27,720 --> 00:48:29,472
I think I just found your snake.
714
00:48:29,600 --> 00:48:31,716
02728.
715
00:48:31,840 --> 00:48:34,673
Yes. Um...
716
00:48:34,800 --> 00:48:36,028
Yes, yes.
717
00:48:36,160 --> 00:48:38,833
Oh, of course, yeah.
Just, um...
718
00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:42,758
There we are. Yes.
Yes, of course. Safety first. Yes.
719
00:48:42,880 --> 00:48:46,509
Well, it's just you and me now
against the world. Bonnie and Clyde.
720
00:48:46,640 --> 00:48:50,076
Please, please shut up.
721
00:48:51,040 --> 00:48:53,315
Yes, I'm standing by the vehicle.
722
00:48:58,880 --> 00:49:00,791
- Can I sit in the front?
- In the back.
723
00:49:00,920 --> 00:49:02,069
- Please.
- In the back.
724
00:49:02,200 --> 00:49:04,668
All right, then you're my chauffeur.
725
00:49:21,760 --> 00:49:23,716
Not long now.
726
00:49:31,960 --> 00:49:32,915
Yeah.
58510
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