All language subtitles for Green.Wing.S02E04.DVDRip.Plus.Comms.DD.2.0.x264-MaG

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French Download
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian Download
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:05,952 Those bits of my memory, they're probably wiped for good, 2 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,878 but I'm very glad that I'm catching up. 3 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:12,072 It feels like you and I probably got on really well. 4 00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:17,636 - I feel a lot more grr. - Oh, dear. Just lend yourself to me. 5 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:20,558 You may not smack my bare bottom. 6 00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:24,229 You are trying to get fully reinstated. How stupid can you be? 7 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:27,557 Look into my eyes. What's wrong with you? Come on. 8 00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:31,593 You have got a rubbish vagina. 9 00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:36,711 I love you. 10 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:38,796 I love you too. 11 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:44,512 (beeping) 12 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:51,034 There we are. 13 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:52,513 Oh. 14 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:55,950 Hello. Dr Alan Statham, new car owner. 15 00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:59,709 There she is. I wonder if you could indicate where my parking space will be? 16 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:01,796 (woman screams ) 17 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:09,079 Statham. W25. 18 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:12,670 - And where exactly is that? - In overflow car park B. 19 00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:14,995 Right. And where exactly would that be? 20 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:18,476 Right, well, you've got to go down here, swing a left... 21 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:26,148 - Whoa. OK? - Oh, that was great! 22 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:30,068 - Keep going right. - No, no, there must be some mistake. 23 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:32,236 No. No, no, there's no mistake. 24 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:35,193 ' Dr Statham, radiologist.' 25 00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:38,790 - Consultant radiologist. Statham. - Whatever. That's your space. 26 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:43,152 - No, I should be over in one of those spaces. - Sorry. They're reserved for doctors. 27 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:48,877 I am a bloody doctor, you flappy-coated, fluorescent-gileted, 28 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,195 immigrated ignoramus! 29 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:55,996 Yeah, well, proper doctors. Surgeons. People like him. 30 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:03,833 - He doesn't need a space. He's got a bike. - Yeah, well, he's still got a space. A3. 31 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,916 But he doesn't use it. 32 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:08,474 Well, no, but it's still his. 33 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:14,469 We'll see about that. Oh, yes. Up it goes. The barrier please. 34 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:18,513 Come on, press the button. All right, I'll vault it. 35 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,510 That's not proper hair. 36 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,711 (car horn ) 37 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:51,434 - Morning. - Hm? 38 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:54,597 - Oh, a fish tank. - Oh, well spotted. 39 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:58,076 - I don't think your fish is very well. - Of course it isn't. It's dead. 40 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:01,795 - Oh. That's a shame. - No, it's not. I bought it dead. 41 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:05,071 It's there because it's dead and I'm not. I'm alive. Ha! 42 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:07,156 Right. 43 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:12,071 You idiot. 44 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:15,033 You dead gold idiot. 45 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,236 I'm not dead, I'm alive. 46 00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:21,755 Come on. Mush! 47 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,350 All right, Lance Armstrong, this will do. 48 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:27,914 (groans ) 49 00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:30,679 - How much is that? - It's GBP249, please. 50 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:34,554 GBP249 for severe anal bruising? 51 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:40,718 W bloody... Huh! That's it. That's it. Yes, oh, yes. 52 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:45,516 Put yourself in there, Alan, why don't you? Right. Right. 53 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:50,116 Bloody Metro! 54 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,356 Get out the way! 55 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,474 Oh, careful. Come on. Right. 56 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:06,636 You...! 57 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:16,078 It's just a mirror. Just a mirror. All is vanity. 58 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:19,715 Oops. No. Try again. Back out. 59 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,036 Advanced driving. 60 00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:28,831 Get in there! Come on, get in there! 61 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,315 Get in, car. Get in. 62 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:36,792 Right. Time for work. 63 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,796 - Hey. - ' Hey.' 64 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,273 - Makeup? - Yeah, for Karen. 65 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:09,628 - Oh, really? - Yeah. 66 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:13,673 - Mr Generous. Sure you can afford it? - That is top quality. That cost a fortune. 67 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:17,679 Then you've wasted your money, haven't you? It'll be like icing a dog turd. 68 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:21,190 Dress it up how you like, it's still a dog turd. 69 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,993 - I think she's gonna look pretty. - Is it magic makeup? 70 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,076 - No. - Then you're wrong, aren't you? 71 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,794 She's gonna look like a deformed dog clown. 72 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:31,309 Look, she's not deformed. She's my girlfriend. 73 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:33,396 - Yeah, not really. - Yeah, really. 74 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:36,557 She's a girl, she's my friend - she's a girlfriend. 75 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:39,956 Well, Mac's a boy and he's your friend, so is he your boyfriend? 76 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,640 - No. - Then are you gonna buy him makeup? 77 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:45,149 - No. - So your argument doesn't hold up, does it? 78 00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:47,635 - No. - You're gonna have to practise arguing, 79 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:52,356 because I really do like a bit of a challenge, all right? Oh, look. Here she comes. 80 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:57,998 You can tell the Billy Goats Gruff it's safe to cross the bridge now! 81 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:04,636 - Is he saying that I look like an ugly troll? - No, ignore him. 82 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:06,716 - Is that for me? - Yep. A little present. 83 00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:10,389 Well, I mean, only small in size, not in cost, 84 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:13,512 cos actually it's big monetarily. 85 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,200 - Makeup? - Yeah. You like it? 86 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,955 I'm an ugly troll. 87 00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:48,312 - Are you all right? - Yes. This thing just fell off my car. 88 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:49,759 - It's your exhaust. - Yes. 89 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:54,476 Well, hopefully it's the last bad thing that can happen to me. I've had my three in 15 hours. 90 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:58,798 This, Robbie's been excluded from school for a week for peeing on the Virgin Mary 91 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:03,072 and my husband's thinking about leaving me for Rosie pin-legs, slitty-eyed Kendall, 92 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:07,079 but he hasn't decided yet, so here's hoping the day gets a teensy bit better! 93 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,430 And how are you? 94 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:10,993 - Yeah, I'm OK. - Oh, good. 95 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:14,078 - Hey, that's gonna be... - It's hot! It's hot! Hot! Hot! 96 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:19,551 How are you supposed to decide? 97 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:22,513 You've got to narrow it down, draw up a list of essentials. 98 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:25,279 Do you want a garden? Do you want access to a station? 99 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:29,473 Yeah, I'm not interested in any of that crap. Here, I've made a list. 100 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:32,831 ' Must have plasma TV.' Is that it? Yeah? 101 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,916 Yeah, yeah. 102 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:41,357 ' Characterful.' You might as well just say, ' Listing to one side and riddled with mould.' 103 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:43,198 - Property ads? - Lonely hearts. 104 00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:46,756 Yeah, I'm looking for a new investment propertywise. 105 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:49,314 Oh, what's wrong with the old flat? 106 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:52,318 Things happened in it. 107 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,874 It's probably best to get a new place, move on. 108 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:58,072 Yeah, that's what I thought. And I managed to sell my old flat 109 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:01,237 for four times what I paid for it. 110 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:04,596 That's good. 111 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,076 Four times. 112 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,236 Yeah. 113 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,669 Seriously, though, four times. 114 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,676 - You should tell the nurses. - Really? 115 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:20,031 - Yeah, they'd love to hear that. - Cool. 116 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:25,950 - They're gonna rip him to shreds. - Yeah. Four times, hopefully. 117 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,556 - Morning. - Morning. 118 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:35,554 - Oh, my God. What's that smell? - What smell? 119 00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,478 - That vegetable smell. - Oh, gross! 120 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,797 - That's my shoes. - Well, wash your feet or something. Jesus! 121 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,115 It's not my feet, it's my shoes. 122 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:46,196 - They're vegetarian. - Excuse me? 123 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,595 I'm wearing vegetarian shoes. 124 00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:50,950 - I object to wearing leather. - They stink. 125 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,275 They're made out of natural by-products. 126 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:57,996 - What? Like shit? - No, like banana skins, bamboo. 127 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:02,079 - You're wearing shoes made from bananas? - No, these are gecko. 128 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,316 - Gecko's an animal. - What? 129 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,635 - Yeah, it's a sort of lizard. - Oh, my God! 130 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:10,833 Yep, you're wearing lizard-skin shoes. Murderer. 131 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,712 Ugh! 132 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:19,076 - You just hit that pigeon. - Double murderer! 133 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,871 Doctor... 134 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,156 Doct... 135 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:41,398 Mr Macartney, I'd like to talk to you about your car parking space. 136 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,954 I was thinking about putting some carrots on it. 137 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,594 I think you should sign the space over to me. 138 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:50,315 - I don't think so. - You don't need it, not with a bike. 139 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:53,989 It's my little piece of land, where I can relax and get away from it all. 140 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,509 - That's... that's my mug. - Oh. 141 00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:00,869 - ' World's greatest lover' of...? - Of women, obviously. 142 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,549 - Was there a ceremony? - No, it's a gift from a friend. 143 00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:07,478 - Who was that? - (stammers ) Jo... Jo... M-my mother. 144 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,192 - Your mother? - Yes. 145 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:13,313 - Did your mum discover this first-hand? - Don't be disgusting! Give it back. 146 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:16,273 - I've not finished yet. - Hurry up! 147 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,030 Right, that's enough. Come on. Decant it. 148 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,674 - What? - Decant it into another receptacle. 149 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,758 - Sorry, did you mean to say receptacle? - I did s-say... 150 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,599 You said testicle. ' Decant it into another testicle.' 151 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,836 I demand my mug back! 152 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:38,270 Now you've said bum crack. Did you really want to demand bum crack? 153 00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:42,279 - What we need around here is more respect! - Sorry, you meant to say respect. 154 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:45,949 - I... That's... I said respect. - No, you said, ' Tickle my balls' . 155 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:49,755 - I... You... - ' Tickle my balls.' I heard it very clearly. 156 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,950 Stupid! Stupid! 157 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:55,595 Right, well, yes. The powers that be will decide 158 00:10:55,720 --> 00:11:00,032 what to do about your little carrot patch. Yes. You'll see. Oh, you'll see. 159 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:04,199 - Who are you calling a parrot's snatch? - You...! 160 00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:17,671 Everyone says that's a bargain. 161 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:20,314 Can't see it myself. 162 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,755 No, me neither. 163 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:32,077 30 quid for a cello? Rip off. 164 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:37,112 ' Room for rent with Dr Todd.' 165 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,390 Nightmare. 166 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,192 Oh. 167 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,276 Looky, looky, looky. 168 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,278 ' Life-drawing classes at lunchtimes.' 169 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:50,075 ' Materials and model supplied.' 170 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:00,510 - Hi, are you OK? - Oh, yeah. Yeah. 171 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,757 Homeless, community service, I'm like a big kid at Christmas. 172 00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:04,949 Yeah, sorry. 173 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:09,198 Painting, cleaning, community sports coaching. No one could be as excited as me. 174 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:13,916 I'm excited. Progress with Mac. Things may be coming back about the day of the accident. 175 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:17,430 - Does he remember he tried to rape me? - No, I think he knows about me and him. 176 00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:21,712 But it's OK, there's no rush. I'll just let things develop. 177 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:26,072 It's not like Emmy's a threat any more, and Holly's all tied up with a husband, so... 178 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,760 - Huh. - What? 179 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:32,270 - Nothing. - You just said ' huh' . 180 00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,550 No, I didn't. 181 00:12:34,680 --> 00:12:39,231 - You know something, don't you? - Just something Angela said. It's nothing. 182 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:40,918 What? 183 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,996 - Not the face. - Tell me. 184 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:45,759 I'd be betraying the confidence of a friend. 185 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,917 OK. Yeah, yeah. I can respect that. 186 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:56,353 OK. Holly split up with her husband and she wishes she'd never let go of Mac. 187 00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,949 Oh, dear. That just sort of slipped out. 188 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:06,915 He doesn't use it. He's practically a Hell's Angel. He doesn't use it. 189 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:11,079 - He doesn't warrant a whole space. - I see. 190 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,112 - Well, I demand it. Hand it over to me. - No. 191 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:17,915 - What do you mean, no? - No. You can't have Dr Macartney's space. 192 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:21,476 The space is allocated to Surgery, not Radiology. 193 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,875 Well... well, I object. 194 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,639 - Good for you. Goodbye. - Well, no. No. 195 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:31,514 Not goodbye, actually. Not goodbye. 196 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,872 Right, let me put it another way. 197 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:44,471 Yeah, well... Yes, well, don't think I don't know what's going on. 198 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,352 No, I... Yes. 199 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:49,392 Makes no difference to me. 200 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,353 You... Well, well you may. 201 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:57,750 Well, mm-hm. All right. Don't think... Yes. 202 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,189 Don't... Yes, well, that's, uh... 203 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,629 Don't... 204 00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:04,716 Don't think... Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. 205 00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:08,799 Don't think... don't think I don't know what's going on there because this... 206 00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:11,229 - Oh. This isn't the end of it. - Oh, I think it is. 207 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:16,673 No, no, this isn't the end. This isn't the end of the matter. Um, I'll... 208 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:20,190 Right, I shall... Goodbye to you. 209 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:25,549 No. Oh! Sorry. 210 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:27,636 Sorry. No. 211 00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,915 Coming through here! 212 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,356 Oh, lovely. Thank you. 213 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,914 - What did you do then? - I stole an ambulance. 214 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,473 - Wicked. - Yeah. 215 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:03,319 - Did you sell it on? - No, I drove off a cliff. 216 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:04,509 - Cool. - Yeah. 217 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:08,633 - Why? - I was avoiding a sheep in a field. 218 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:12,797 - What about you? What did you do? - Graffiti on the bridge. 219 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:16,959 Oh, right. So sort of the punishment fits the crime, you know. What did you write? 220 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:20,277 Was it your... 221 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:21,799 ' tag' ? 222 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:24,195 No, it was class war. 223 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:27,153 ' Death to the middle classes.' 224 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:29,714 (imitates cockney accent) Yeah. 225 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,673 Fuckin' right! 226 00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:38,396 - Don't do that. - Sorry. 227 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:49,194 Nice deep breaths. That's it, nice and slowly. 228 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:53,879 Right. 229 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:55,752 Hup! 230 00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:00,995 There we are. Don't worry. 231 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:06,512 Right, there we are. Don't worry, I'm not your baby. Just... 232 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:09,438 There we go. Easy does it. 233 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:13,155 There. Yes. I thought I might help it along a bit. 234 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,636 All right, Guy? 235 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:26,116 - Missed a bit. - (whispers ) Go away. Go away. 236 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,434 A lot of people seem to know you. Do you work here? 237 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:35,473 Yeah, I'm a... porter. 238 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,477 A what? 239 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,909 (imitates cockney accent) A por-ahhh. 240 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:42,190 - A por-ah! - Oh, yeah? 241 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,788 Keep up. Yeah. 242 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:50,392 I just push stuff araaaaand. 243 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:54,796 - Doctors, eh? Wankers, in't they? - Yeah. Well, although... 244 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:56,956 - What? - Nothing. 245 00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:01,316 Morning, Dr Secretan. 246 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:05,590 Winker! 247 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,915 What a total nurb. 248 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,508 Kno... Nib. Knob. Nub! 249 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,392 You nub! 250 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,795 You fricking nib. Knob. 251 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,558 Nub. 252 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:18,636 Wanker. 253 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:21,836 Oh, bollocks! 254 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:34,879 Right, let's have a check underneath, see how it's going. 255 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:39,593 Yeah, lovely. Just see the head. 256 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:43,473 Right. Well done. Excellent. 257 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,874 - It's great without Guy, isn't it? - Mm. 258 00:17:55,920 --> 00:18:00,436 - It's like we're proper doctors. - All grown-up and sensible. 259 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:12,390 OK, how about types of fish? I bet you that I can name more types of fish than you can. 260 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,635 Yes, I expect you can. 261 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,476 (Mac) Hm. 262 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:24,033 Oh, have you seen that new Irish nurse, eh? 263 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,311 Phwoar. She's a bit of all right, eh? Huh? 264 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,749 I'm a married man, so... 265 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:38,276 OK, here's one. How many kidney dishes can you balance on your head? I can do 14. 266 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,595 I bet you can't beat 14. 267 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:46,111 I'm sure I can't. You must have a very good sense of balance. 268 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,471 Yeah. Well, yeah. I have. 269 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,875 If I could have your attention please, little people? 270 00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,508 Thank you. That's better. 271 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:02,359 Today we're going to learn a new game called Guyball. 272 00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:05,392 - Gheeball. - Has anyone heard of it? 273 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:10,116 Well, this is Guy Secretan and he's very kindly agreed to teach you the rules. 274 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,835 I haven't agreed to do anything. I have to do it. It's community service 275 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,349 cos I was a very naughty man. 276 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:19,392 - What did you do? - Your mum, then I ate her. Next question? 277 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:22,080 Dr Secret Man, I do have to file a report on you. 278 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:27,228 No, no, that's all part of the training. That's what we Guyballers do - insult the opponents. 279 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:33,356 We call it ' splicing the Matterhorn' . Let's give it a go. Why don't we all insult each other? 280 00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:37,557 Come on. All right. Come on, Wheelie. You have a go. 281 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:39,796 - Cockspanker. - Cockspanker's weird. 282 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:41,638 - Dickhead! - You're a dickhead. 283 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:45,230 - Wanker! - Yeah, all right. That's probably enough. 284 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,715 Twat. Right, let's go. 285 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,230 How's it working for you? 286 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,953 It's almost like he's back with us. 287 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,798 That's great. Can you say something really twattish? 288 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:03,957 - Like what? - Oh, I don't know, like, uh... 289 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:08,278 Switzerland has the highest average sperm count in the world. 290 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,994 - Actually, can I take this off? - (both ) No. 291 00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:16,158 It's for the younger patients. It makes them happy. 292 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:19,238 - They're asleep. - What if they wake up really suddenly? 293 00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:21,316 I'll make sure they don't wake up. 294 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,396 Murderer. 295 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:29,392 I actually think that's in very poor taste. 296 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:32,994 (both ) Ooooooh. 297 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:39,831 - (Guy ) Right, what's this called? - A maison? 298 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,599 No! I've already explained what a maison is. Jesus! 299 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,870 An Emmenthal loop? 300 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,592 - Am I crouching? - No. 301 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,790 - Am I displaying a cleft mitten? - No. 302 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,912 Then how the fucking hell can it be an Emmenthal loop? 303 00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,952 - It's a classical heist. - It looks like a classical heist, 304 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:58,993 but when the topmiler is geometrically loaded, it's a... 305 00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:01,714 - (all) Fat chalet. - Fat chalet. 306 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,638 Now we're getting somewhere. Right. 307 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:06,876 Commence! 308 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,597 All the blues over here. Right. 309 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:17,352 See that post over there? We're gonna run to that post. Are you ready? One, two, three, go! 310 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,436 What are you doing? 311 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,875 Stickles are orthodox 312 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,036 and it's a four-bounce ubique. 313 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:36,189 Aaaaaaaaargh! 314 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:41,394 Right, you. No, don't... Shh, don't be alarmed. I'm a radiologist. 315 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:44,114 - You are? - I'm not telling you who I am. 316 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,993 - No, I need to know what you do. - Do? 317 00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:50,317 - Your job. What's your bloody job? - I'm a laundry operative. 318 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,715 Laundry. Yes, unbelievable, isn't it? Look. 319 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,513 Cook, cook, odd-jobman, 320 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,995 nurse, nurse. 321 00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:02,591 Me, radiologist, skip. How does that work? Hm? How does that bloody work? 322 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:06,679 No, don't go, because I need you to sign... I need you to sign my pet... 323 00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,916 I need you to sign my peti... All right. 324 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:12,112 - Just wait there a second. Now then. - (car starts ) 325 00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:14,515 Don't drive off. 326 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:21,557 - (Kim ) Policy review papers. - Go away. 327 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:25,194 - Have you gone away? - No. 328 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:28,232 If you're having trouble, you should really see somebody. 329 00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:31,432 I'm not having trouble. What makes you think I am? 330 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:34,552 - It's just you... - When my eyes are tired, I use eye drops. 331 00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:36,557 Is that a crime? Is it? 332 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:39,956 No, it isn't, but that's liquid paper. 333 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,396 I know. 334 00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:47,954 Ow. Oh. 335 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:49,832 Oh! 336 00:22:56,200 --> 00:23:00,193 You surgeons think you're God's gift with your nimbleness and your scrubbing up 337 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,278 and your scrubbing down and your preferential parking. 338 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:04,753 Thank you. 339 00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,474 Well, you're wrong, because I am like the architect. 340 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:10,558 You are the navvies who just come and do the dirty work. 341 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:13,240 We are the fighter pilots of the hospital. 342 00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:17,148 You are the idiots with the Ping-Pong bats showing us where to park. 343 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:19,635 No. No, no, no. A monkey could do your job. 344 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:21,034 - Yeah? - Yes. 345 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:23,628 - Which monkey? - Just a monkey. 346 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:26,513 What's his name? We need all the surgeons we can get. 347 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,154 - He's called Graham. - Graham? Graham the monkey. 348 00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:32,909 - Yes. - Hm. Could you get me an introduction? 349 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:35,838 - No. He's gone on holiday. - Oh. 350 00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,633 Where's he gone? Somewhere nice? 351 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:42,670 Wye Valley. 352 00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:45,676 Canoeing. 353 00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,358 Where's the nudie? 354 00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:59,232 Martin! 355 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:04,314 - What are you doing here? - I've just come to let my artistic juices flow. 356 00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:08,672 What happened? Did somebody snap your bits off? You're smoother than an Action Man. 357 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:11,951 I'm the model. I'm strapped for cash, so... 358 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:15,197 Um, what's that? 359 00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:18,915 Well, I thought that, you know, if it just looked like I was naked, 360 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:22,510 that would be good enough, so I made this out of some old tights. 361 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,279 Please take it off. 362 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:26,549 Right. 363 00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:28,033 Ooh. 364 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:29,912 - (teacher) Take a seat. - Yeah. 365 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:36,598 - Doreen from Prisoner.: Cell Block H, isn't it? - Oh, yeah, here we go. 366 00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:39,678 Anyone would think the staff here had never seen overalls. 367 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:44,635 - Do you know what makes my blood boil? - Gas mark 4? Blowtorch? Gingerism? 368 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,990 Yes, yes, and no. 369 00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:51,910 Also cosmetic surgery. It is such a waste of resources. 370 00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:57,272 If you've had an accident, that is fine. If it's for vanity, it's completely obscene. 371 00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:01,109 You know what? I have to say, for once, I'm entirely in agreement with you. 372 00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:03,549 Then I must be wrong. I'll rethink my position. 373 00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:07,116 Why go to such extremes when there are other things a woman could do? 374 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,435 The world seems strange and unfamiliar. 375 00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:14,156 I've never met a woman yet who doesn't look better with my bollocks resting on her chin. 376 00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:19,832 - 100% improvement right there. - And once again order has been restored. 377 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:33,749 (teacher) Uh, Martin, you'll have to take those off. 378 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,072 No, your undercrackers. 379 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:45,239 We haven't all coughed up 75 quid to paint a wee elf in his Y-fronts, so come on. 380 00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:49,194 Pop off your little pants and straddle the chair. 381 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,390 OK, but promise you don't look at my cock. 382 00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,875 Well, that's the whole point of you being here, 383 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:57,276 so that the students can study every part of you in fine detail. 384 00:25:57,400 --> 00:26:01,313 - What, including my cock? - Yes. Including your cock. 385 00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:04,318 I don't like the idea of them doing it without me knowing. 386 00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:10,356 Can we have a system that when anybody's staring at my cock, they put their hand up? 387 00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,278 In real life, or just in here? 388 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,595 Just in here really. 389 00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:25,435 - Martin! - What? 390 00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:28,876 Wee Willie Winkie's not so wee! 391 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:34,314 Nearly had my... nearly had my eye out with that. 392 00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:43,198 Yeah, I don't want to speak to you. Get Brian. 393 00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,708 Get Brian. 394 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:48,876 No, get Brian. 395 00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:52,195 Get Brian. 396 00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:55,310 Get Brian. 397 00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,028 Get Brian. 398 00:26:58,280 --> 00:26:59,918 Get Brian. 399 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,559 Get Brian. 400 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:03,153 Get Brian. 401 00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:04,628 Get Brian. 402 00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:06,154 Get Brian. 403 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,236 Get Bri... 404 00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:11,116 - She's getting him. - Did you make her cry? 405 00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:13,629 - Yeah. - You must be very proud. 406 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,513 - You've got paperclips stuck to your hand. - Have I? 407 00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:19,791 Oh, it must be a full moon. My hand goes magnetic, I don't know... 408 00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:22,070 Brian! At fucking last! 409 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,794 Listen, I asked for a two-bedroom house. 410 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:29,471 You've sent me three flats, a studio apartment and a haystack. 411 00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:34,549 Yeah, thatched cottage my scrotum. What are you going to do about it? 412 00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:39,037 - Redfern Road, nice or nasty? - Hm. Quite nice. There's a tree. 413 00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:42,311 OK, I'm listening. Yeah. Mm-hm. 414 00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:45,432 Yep. Right, OK. Neighbours? 415 00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:49,199 Brian. Brian, what did I say to you? 416 00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:51,390 Hey? What... 417 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:56,275 I said no old people, no kids, no dogs, no hippies, no farmers and? 418 00:27:56,400 --> 00:28:00,439 No hairdressers! You're fucking useless, Brian! 419 00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:04,712 No! No, no, no. No, no. My price range is not the problem, Brian. 420 00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:06,592 You are the problem. 421 00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:09,359 Oh, just put the girl back on. 422 00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:12,711 Well, tell her to blow her nose and put the girl back on. 423 00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:15,752 Put the girl back on. Put the girl back on. 424 00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:21,159 Put the girl back on. Put the girl back on. Put the girl... Hello? Hello? 425 00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:23,430 - Blacklisted? - I might be. 426 00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:25,755 - How many's that now then? - I don't know. 427 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:27,836 - Ballpark figure will do. - All of them. 428 00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:29,712 Mm-hm. 429 00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:38,273 - Beach Drive? - Too close to the sea. 430 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:44,276 - What are you doing? - 90% of notes are coated in cocaine residue. 431 00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:47,278 - I'm cleaning them. - Ooh, cocaine. 432 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:51,029 - Very rock and... I've never taken any drugs. - Never? 433 00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:53,628 Well, I've had epidurals. They were quite nice. 434 00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:57,036 - And gas and air. And I like Tia Maria. - We could help you out. 435 00:28:57,160 --> 00:29:01,790 - If you're feeling adventurous. - Oh, no, I don't think so. 436 00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:04,992 - Why are you smiling then? - I don't know. 437 00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:24,595 - Stop it. - What? 438 00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:26,119 - That. - I'm just smiling. 439 00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:28,390 - I know. - So do you want me to stop? 440 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:31,557 - Yes. No. - Well, I'll carry on then. 441 00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:37,276 Do you, um... 442 00:29:39,480 --> 00:29:41,596 - Want to come round my gaff? - Your gaff? 443 00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:45,872 - That's not rude. - I'm not coming if it's not rude. 444 00:29:57,120 --> 00:29:59,076 Guess who? 445 00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:05,953 - Holly. - Hi! 446 00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:15,035 So don't I get a hello? 447 00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:18,271 Hello. 448 00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:20,795 - Hi. - Hi. 449 00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:23,514 - I'm Holly. - I'm Caroline. 450 00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:25,835 You're an old friend. 451 00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:28,474 Not that old. We were together for six years. 452 00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:32,275 We were together for six seconds. And then you put your hands over his eyes. 453 00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:34,755 - Can I ask a personal question? - Yes, you may. 454 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:37,952 They are in fact real, but you of all people should know that. 455 00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:40,514 Yeah, the question is, why are you here? 456 00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:44,235 Is it because here is where I start work today? 457 00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:49,752 - You're joking. - I know. Isn't it fantastic? 458 00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:55,273 - It's gonna be just like old times. - It won't be like old times at all probably. 459 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:58,472 I just mean that we'll be working in the same hospital. 460 00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:02,912 Yes, that. Yeah. But that'll be the only similarity, I should think. 461 00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:06,430 I couldn't believe my luck. I'd just come off the plane from New York. 462 00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:09,791 I was keeping a lookout for a placement, and then Angela rings me 463 00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:13,959 to say she's leaving her job here, and I'm like, ' Ah!' Brilliant timing or what? 464 00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:15,832 What. 465 00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:18,113 Sorry. Is there a problem? 466 00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:20,196 - Yes. - No. 467 00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:27,672 Oh, well. What a lot of fun we're all going to have together. 468 00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:29,836 Yeah, it's gonna be great. 469 00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:33,919 I see I've made a fab new friend already. 470 00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:38,318 Yeah, well, um, we have to get off to theatre, Mac and me, me and Mac, don't we? 471 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:41,034 - Yeah, we do. Yeah. - OK, great. 472 00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:44,869 Have a good time. I should try and find out where the locker rooms are. 473 00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:49,710 I think someone was gonna show me, you know, but I don't know where they went. 474 00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:52,035 - Mac... - I'm just... 475 00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:57,792 No, I'm just gonna point her stupid nose in the right direction. 476 00:31:57,920 --> 00:32:00,832 I'll see you in theatre. 477 00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:04,430 - This way. - You loved my stupid nose, remember? 478 00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:15,598 Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim. Yeah. I just wanted to say thanks for organising the eye thing. 479 00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:17,358 Oh, that's OK. 480 00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:39,514 Shitting hilarious. 481 00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:43,599 You all think you're so farting funny, don't you? 482 00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:47,956 Where the hell is Mac? 483 00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:50,799 You don't trust him. You think he might be with Holly. 484 00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:55,198 - Don't be ridiculous. Of course I trust him. - Yeah, you don't trust him. 485 00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:58,915 You think he might be cuddling her and kissing her 486 00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:01,110 and loving her and fingering her... 487 00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:03,515 Swiss mouth shut! 488 00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:06,948 Perhaps they've eloped. 489 00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:10,470 Shut up now or I will slit your throat, so help me God. 490 00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:13,153 Ta-da! 491 00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:15,236 (sings clown music) 492 00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:28,597 And if he sees you playing puppets again, he will kill you. And I will gladly help him. 493 00:33:41,240 --> 00:33:42,389 (knocking at door) 494 00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:45,273 - Come. - Some... 495 00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:55,673 Can you take that down please? 496 00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:57,631 No. 497 00:33:58,680 --> 00:34:00,750 Well, can I buy it? 498 00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:03,512 No. 499 00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:16,996 Get out. 500 00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:27,956 (mobile rings ) 501 00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:32,000 Mungo. Mungo! Mungooo! 502 00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:35,874 Hello... It's Mungo. Hello, you jizz fountain. How are you? 503 00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:37,911 Yeah. 504 00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:40,152 Hm. 505 00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:43,873 - Hello. - (Mac) What are you doing here? 506 00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:51,475 Hm? Oh, I just thought I would park myself in your space. Hm? 507 00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:55,309 Make sure that there are no car-diac problems. 508 00:34:55,440 --> 00:34:59,672 - It's quite a simple procedure actually. - Oh. Oh, is it? Oh, is it indeed, Mrs Todd? 509 00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:05,750 So... so you would be prepared, would you, if something like this happened? 510 00:35:07,720 --> 00:35:13,078 Oh, dear. There seem to be some complications now, Mr Blue Peter Boy. 511 00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:16,272 - What did he just do? - He just took the gall bladder. 512 00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:18,436 - No, I didn't. - You did. It's in your hand. 513 00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:20,312 No, it isn't. 514 00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:22,635 Open your hand. 515 00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:25,875 Open your hand. 516 00:35:28,200 --> 00:35:30,191 Are you eating the patient? 517 00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:32,038 No. 518 00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:33,115 (gags ) 519 00:35:33,240 --> 00:35:35,674 - Dr Statham's eaten a gall bladder. - I haven't. 520 00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:37,358 Open your mouth. 521 00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:41,155 - Open your mouth and spit it out. - Open your mouth. 522 00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:45,676 All gone! 523 00:35:47,640 --> 00:35:49,596 (Statham retches ) 524 00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:03,272 (whimpers ) 525 00:36:10,480 --> 00:36:12,755 You will not believe what has just occurred. 526 00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:16,350 I know. Mungo's prosthetic cock snapped off inside some bint. 527 00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:22,237 He was too embarrassed to tell her, so she went home with it. She's still got it up her. 528 00:36:24,960 --> 00:36:27,110 - Hey, did you call for IT support? - Yes. 529 00:36:27,240 --> 00:36:30,277 I can't seem to make these words big enough. 530 00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:35,757 That's more of a software thing than an IT issue. 531 00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:39,156 But let's see what we can do. Which words do you want to make bigger? 532 00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:42,795 ' 7th' , ' Robbie's Birthday Party' and ' Balloons' . 533 00:36:43,840 --> 00:36:46,718 - It's not a work thing as such. - It's no problem. 534 00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:50,833 You just highlight the bits you want and then you click on this button here. 535 00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:52,359 Oh! 536 00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:55,950 - Can you make them bigger than that? - Yeah. 537 00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:59,390 - And can you make them bright pink? - Pink? 538 00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:02,273 - Isn't Robbie a boy? - He's gay. 539 00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:09,478 Maybe a picture of a kitten? 540 00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:12,512 Oh, that's brilliant! Thank you so much. 541 00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:14,596 Any time. 542 00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:23,913 - Oooooooooh! - Fuck off! 543 00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:39,430 Hi. Hi, Carol, isn't it? 544 00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:43,155 - Nearly. - Yes! Sorry, Carol. I need that. 545 00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:45,392 Sorry. 546 00:37:46,440 --> 00:37:48,396 - You weren't hiding, were you? - No. 547 00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:52,354 It's just I came round the corner, I caught your eye, and you were like this. 548 00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:57,395 No, it's just I'm myopic. I'm short-sighted. I have to have things very, very close. 549 00:37:57,520 --> 00:38:02,196 Poor you. Because I do appreciate that things are pretty awkward between you and I. 550 00:38:02,320 --> 00:38:06,359 I mean, what with me being his most significant ex and you... 551 00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:07,799 Mm-hm. 552 00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:11,912 ..being whatever it is that you are. 553 00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:16,158 It's just, I think... I just think it would be really nice if we could just get along. 554 00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:20,239 Yeah, no, absolutely. Personally, I get along with lots of people. Loads. 555 00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:23,511 I'm always getting along with people. I have since I was a baby. 556 00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:26,950 - Although when I was 13 I didn't get on... - Now I've made you witter. 557 00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:30,789 - You haven't. I don't witter. - Great, because we could make it as friends. 558 00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:35,948 And I would hate you to think for a second that I am in any way interested in Paul. 559 00:38:36,080 --> 00:38:39,356 - Who? - Paul. Sorry, what do you call him? In Mac. 560 00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:42,392 Sorry, I used to call him Paul. 561 00:38:42,520 --> 00:38:45,990 - He used to call me John. - Why? Were you a man? 562 00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:49,829 (giggles ) Only at the weekends! No, no. It was a silly thing, really. 563 00:38:49,960 --> 00:38:53,350 It was just Lennon and McCartney - best combination in the world. 564 00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:56,278 Until one of them died, of course. Shot. 565 00:38:57,160 --> 00:39:00,152 And I just wanted to explain 566 00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:03,078 that despite how I felt about him then, 567 00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:05,998 I'm not here to lure Mac away from you. 568 00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:08,793 I don't think you could lure him anyway. 569 00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:14,197 Right. No. Well, I'm sure you're right. 570 00:39:14,720 --> 00:39:16,153 Um... 571 00:39:16,280 --> 00:39:18,919 You know, you're so much nicer than you seem. 572 00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:23,113 - Mac is so lucky to have had you as a friend. - Has, has, has, has me as a friend. 573 00:39:23,240 --> 00:39:26,630 Yeah, ' has' , that's what I said. Had. Yeah. 574 00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:30,469 OK, I'm off, mate. See you. 575 00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:33,114 OK. Yeah, yeah. Bye, then, John. 576 00:39:33,240 --> 00:39:35,196 Linda. 577 00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:50,229 No! No, stop it! Everybody go away. This isn't... 578 00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:53,079 - Put the sausage off! Sausages off. - Hey, guys. 579 00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:57,273 Don't talk to me. I've got no eyes... No ears for you. No ears. 580 00:39:57,400 --> 00:40:02,554 Boyce! Leave them alone. They've probably got chlamydia. Come on! 581 00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:18,714 And you are here because? 582 00:40:20,040 --> 00:40:22,952 Uh... I've got no idea. Do you have to have that there? 583 00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:24,308 Yeah. 584 00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:26,635 Right. 585 00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:29,672 - Did you paint it? - Oh, yeah. 586 00:40:31,440 --> 00:40:34,398 - You know, he's not that big in real life. - He is. 587 00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:38,114 You know, you could paint me. 588 00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:42,395 Not got enough paint? 589 00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:46,034 You know, if he's that size, 590 00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:52,276 that's me. 591 00:40:55,080 --> 00:41:00,518 And that's Mac. And I know that because I watch him when he showers. 592 00:41:05,760 --> 00:41:08,069 I've got nothing to say to you people. 593 00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:09,519 - Apart from that. - Yes. 594 00:41:09,640 --> 00:41:11,471 - And that. - Yes. Sh! Stop it. 595 00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:14,398 - Shame cos he won't be able to thank us. - Oh, yeah. 596 00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:19,150 For what? For being a pair of cocky-headed little interferers? 597 00:41:19,280 --> 00:41:23,671 No, no. Actually, for fixing you up with a new parking space. 598 00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:25,677 - What? - Yeah, sorted. 599 00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:29,475 - Is it... is it closer? - Well, it's as close as we could get it. 600 00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:30,874 - Yeah. - Right. I see. 601 00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:33,912 - But we did the best we could. - We felt guilty, to be honest. 602 00:41:34,040 --> 00:41:37,237 - I suppose an apology is in order then. - No, don't say a word. 603 00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:41,148 - Well, thank you very much. - Yeah, an apology has to be in writing. 604 00:41:41,280 --> 00:41:43,919 I shouldn't judge a book by its cover. 605 00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:48,238 I shouldn't judge the books by their covers. 606 00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:54,310 I feel a new mutual respect has been achieved. 607 00:41:54,440 --> 00:41:55,998 So... 608 00:41:56,120 --> 00:41:58,509 So that's very good. 609 00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:05,232 Right. 610 00:42:05,360 --> 00:42:09,319 I know I've been a bit embarrassed about these, but what the hell. 611 00:42:09,440 --> 00:42:12,000 If you need glasses, you need glasses. 612 00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:14,236 So, um... 613 00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:18,230 get your sniggering over and done with. 614 00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:20,590 - Very nice. - Really? 615 00:42:20,720 --> 00:42:23,678 - Yeah, they really suit you. - Oh, thanks. 616 00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:27,315 It's amazing what you miss and you don't even realise. Look, look, see. 617 00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:32,309 ' The implications of article 18A, B and C...' See, no problem. 618 00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:35,351 Fucking hell! 619 00:42:35,480 --> 00:42:39,758 My hands! What's happened to my hands? They're chicken's feet. 620 00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:41,836 Christ! 621 00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:50,028 My eyes. My old, old fucking eyes. 622 00:42:56,480 --> 00:42:59,631 My hands, my eyes, my eyes, my hands! My... 623 00:42:59,760 --> 00:43:01,716 Ugh! 624 00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:13,270 So the woman in New York is a friend of Mark's brother. 625 00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:19,839 And the administrator is only married to his sister. The whole thing is very incestuous. 626 00:43:19,960 --> 00:43:22,554 - Whoa, are you all right? - Sorry. Sorry. 627 00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:24,636 I'm fine. 628 00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:27,992 So, 629 00:43:28,120 --> 00:43:30,236 what did you make of the Big Apple? 630 00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:32,396 A big apple crumble. 631 00:43:33,440 --> 00:43:38,798 - Glad to see you haven't grown up. - Oh, no, he has. He's a Big Mac now. 632 00:43:39,480 --> 00:43:42,870 So basically I had this choice between a well-paid job over here 633 00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:47,869 or something more intellectually stimulating over there. A chance to give something back. 634 00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:51,231 Maybe leaving was the craziest thing I ever did, 635 00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:54,113 apart from letting Mac go, of course. 636 00:43:54,240 --> 00:43:56,595 (Mac) I remember the craziest thing you did. 637 00:43:56,720 --> 00:43:59,393 Not now. Guy, what was the craziest thing you ever did? 638 00:43:59,520 --> 00:44:01,670 - I screwed my mum. - Nice. Nice one. 639 00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:05,190 - Yeah, no, what Guy means actually... - Well, no, no, let me finish. 640 00:44:05,320 --> 00:44:08,232 I screwed my mum up 641 00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:12,319 by doing really dangerous sports and risking my neck for no apparent reason. 642 00:44:12,440 --> 00:44:15,000 - Yeah. - (Caroline) Yeah, yeah. It drove her mad. 643 00:44:15,120 --> 00:44:17,554 - What dangerous sports? - Yeah, what sports? 644 00:44:17,680 --> 00:44:20,319 Well, you know, like... 645 00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:21,839 jet skiing. 646 00:44:21,960 --> 00:44:24,758 Jet skiing? Is that dangerous? 647 00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:27,678 Standard jet skiing, no, but this was the sort 648 00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:33,591 where you strap the jet engine from an aeroplane to the back and let it rip. 649 00:44:33,720 --> 00:44:35,517 300 miles an hour. 650 00:44:35,640 --> 00:44:37,710 - 300 miles an hour? - Yeah. Yes. 651 00:44:37,840 --> 00:44:39,717 Wow. 652 00:44:39,840 --> 00:44:41,592 Voom. 653 00:44:41,720 --> 00:44:43,312 - Splash. - Splash? 654 00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:46,159 - Voom, splash, surely. - Have you ever done it? 655 00:44:46,280 --> 00:44:47,349 - No. - Shut up then. 656 00:44:47,480 --> 00:44:52,395 Yeah, OK. Cheers. It must have really screwed your mum up. 657 00:44:55,080 --> 00:44:57,036 Hello. 658 00:45:03,480 --> 00:45:05,038 Well. 659 00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:07,674 Oh. Well, well, well. 660 00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:10,999 Well... 661 00:45:11,120 --> 00:45:13,270 Well. Well, bloody... Bloody well. 662 00:45:13,400 --> 00:45:15,356 Oh, yeah? 663 00:45:17,720 --> 00:45:19,915 That's, uh... 664 00:45:20,040 --> 00:45:22,918 Well, well, well. Hm. 665 00:45:24,440 --> 00:45:27,398 Well, well, bloody... You bloody... 666 00:45:39,720 --> 00:45:42,917 Now we're alone, I hear there's a room going in your house. 667 00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:46,476 - Uh, no, I don't think so. - All right, let me put it another way. 668 00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:49,876 Now Angela has been sold into porn slavery in sunny Toronto... 669 00:45:50,000 --> 00:45:52,195 - Has she? - Well, you know, who cares? 670 00:45:52,320 --> 00:45:55,471 There is a space in your place 671 00:45:55,600 --> 00:45:58,637 and there's me needing somewhere to be, 672 00:45:58,760 --> 00:46:03,754 and, you know, the problems interweave like a Jacquard loom. 673 00:46:03,880 --> 00:46:06,997 - I don't understand. - It's a primitive punch-card system. 674 00:46:07,120 --> 00:46:10,351 - I wasn't talking about the loom. - Can I have a room in your flat? 675 00:46:10,480 --> 00:46:11,833 - House. - House. Can I? 676 00:46:11,960 --> 00:46:14,315 Just for a bit, until I get myself sorted out. 677 00:46:14,440 --> 00:46:17,159 Please? Don't look at him. Don't look at him, look at me. 678 00:46:17,280 --> 00:46:20,397 Please? I need somewhere. My life's so complex and difficult. 679 00:46:20,520 --> 00:46:24,479 - It's just complex and hard. Can I please? - Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, whatever! Yes! 680 00:46:24,600 --> 00:46:26,556 Yes! 681 00:46:29,600 --> 00:46:34,879 A sabot, or the sabot, was a kind of wooden clog 682 00:46:35,000 --> 00:46:37,036 worn by impoverished French workers. 683 00:46:37,160 --> 00:46:42,359 As a protest against the Jacquard loom, which they thought would take away their jobs, 684 00:46:42,480 --> 00:46:47,110 they'd throw their sabots, or wooden clogs, into the delicate machinery 685 00:46:47,240 --> 00:46:51,711 to destroy its working, from which we get the modern word ' sabotage' . 686 00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:54,877 Yeah, right. Now you've ??harshed my buzz, have you got a point? 687 00:46:55,000 --> 00:47:01,235 If your plan to move in with Caroline is in any way an attempt to sabotage our relationship, 688 00:47:01,360 --> 00:47:05,273 I will hit you in the fucking face with a big wooden clog. 689 00:47:05,400 --> 00:47:07,436 - Found it. - Great. 690 00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:09,915 Has Caroline gone already? Oh, dear. 691 00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:13,669 What was the first bit again? About the... the loom? 692 00:47:13,800 --> 00:47:15,677 Flatmate! 693 00:47:19,800 --> 00:47:23,076 - Where do you think you're going? - You were giving me a lift. 694 00:47:23,200 --> 00:47:24,155 No. 695 00:47:24,280 --> 00:47:29,070 Well, I thought we'd agreed so that, you know, I can inspect my new lodgings. 696 00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:33,751 We agreed nothing. I have to tidy up first. You can't just come round tonight. 697 00:47:33,880 --> 00:47:36,348 - Oh, my God! - What? 698 00:47:36,480 --> 00:47:38,835 I'm not sure, but... 699 00:47:38,960 --> 00:47:41,679 I think I just saw a snake 700 00:47:41,800 --> 00:47:43,836 getting into your car. 701 00:47:44,880 --> 00:47:46,836 Would you feel safer if I came with you? 702 00:47:46,960 --> 00:47:50,919 The door is locked. How would a snake be getting into it? 703 00:47:51,040 --> 00:47:55,670 - Through the exhaust. - Guy, the answer is no. 704 00:47:55,800 --> 00:48:00,237 Hey, guys. Paul's giving me a ride and then we might go and get something to eat. 705 00:48:00,360 --> 00:48:02,316 No, I never said that. I just said a lift. 706 00:48:02,440 --> 00:48:05,113 Carolyn, where's the best place to eat around here? 707 00:48:05,240 --> 00:48:07,913 Oh, uh... 708 00:48:08,040 --> 00:48:10,076 I can't remember. 709 00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:14,318 Maybe we could all go. We could just all go together. 710 00:48:14,440 --> 00:48:19,195 Uh, no. I think Guy and I will just get a snack back at home. 711 00:48:19,320 --> 00:48:21,151 - OK. See you. - Yeah. 712 00:48:21,280 --> 00:48:24,556 - Ciao. Bye. - Bye, bye, bye, bye. 713 00:48:27,720 --> 00:48:29,472 I think I just found your snake. 714 00:48:29,600 --> 00:48:31,716 02728. 715 00:48:31,840 --> 00:48:34,673 Yes. Um... 716 00:48:34,800 --> 00:48:36,028 Yes, yes. 717 00:48:36,160 --> 00:48:38,833 Oh, of course, yeah. Just, um... 718 00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:42,758 There we are. Yes. Yes, of course. Safety first. Yes. 719 00:48:42,880 --> 00:48:46,509 Well, it's just you and me now against the world. Bonnie and Clyde. 720 00:48:46,640 --> 00:48:50,076 Please, please shut up. 721 00:48:51,040 --> 00:48:53,315 Yes, I'm standing by the vehicle. 722 00:48:58,880 --> 00:49:00,791 - Can I sit in the front? - In the back. 723 00:49:00,920 --> 00:49:02,069 - Please. - In the back. 724 00:49:02,200 --> 00:49:04,668 All right, then you're my chauffeur. 725 00:49:21,760 --> 00:49:23,716 Not long now. 726 00:49:31,960 --> 00:49:32,915 Yeah. 58510

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.