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1
00:00:07,549 --> 00:00:09,576
So, I sacked the PE teacher again.
2
00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:13,321
After last year's dead
heat at the sports day, I told him
3
00:00:13,394 --> 00:00:14,782
to install camera technology.
4
00:00:14,858 --> 00:00:19,425
Sadly he misunderstood the phrase
"photo finish". A line was crossed.
5
00:00:19,426 --> 00:00:23,322
Anyhoos, this year's sports day is
but upon us and...
6
00:00:23,337 --> 00:00:25,249
No way, never going to happen,
not doing it.
7
00:00:25,288 --> 00:00:28,264
Calm down, dear, it's not you.
8
00:00:28,265 --> 00:00:31,485
Now, don't overreact but it's time
to meet Abbey Grove's new PE
9
00:00:31,492 --> 00:00:35,444
teacher, Mr Preet van der Plessis.
10
00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:47,431
Hush, hush, moffie,
11
00:00:47,432 --> 00:00:50,504
Daddy's bought you some white
chocolate from his trip to prison.
12
00:01:21,444 --> 00:01:23,527
You can't employ him,
he's a psychopath!
13
00:01:23,528 --> 00:01:29,144
Here, chummy, I hold my hand up,
yah, I make mistakes but I've changed.
14
00:01:29,244 --> 00:01:31,068
He attacked me with a riot baton.
15
00:01:31,113 --> 00:01:32,793
That's Preet's way of saying,
"I love you,"
16
00:01:32,818 --> 00:01:35,630
and I've got a couple of broken
ribs to prove it.
17
00:01:35,631 --> 00:01:36,698
Plus he's very cheap.
18
00:01:36,699 --> 00:01:38,630
There!
19
00:01:38,631 --> 00:01:41,203
TIA.
Oh, I've missed this stumpy pecker.
20
00:01:41,277 --> 00:01:44,273
You still smoking the bars, yeah?
No, I'm messing, scappy.
21
00:01:44,473 --> 00:01:45,276
Urgh! Ow!
22
00:01:45,277 --> 00:01:47,073
Classic Preet!
23
00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:51,236
Look, Alf, yes, he may have assaulted
you and, yes, that may have
24
00:01:51,237 --> 00:01:55,201
resulted in a teeny prison stretch,
but he's had extensive anger
25
00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:58,257
management, art therapy.
You couldn't meet a more stable guy.
26
00:01:58,457 --> 00:01:59,533
Boo!
27
00:01:59,550 --> 00:02:01,177
That therapy's worked a treat.
28
00:02:01,277 --> 00:02:04,280
Yeah, I watched that movie,
Mandela. I only laughed once.
29
00:02:04,281 --> 00:02:05,897
Well, maybe.
30
00:02:05,955 --> 00:02:07,991
Oh, when he gets sentenced,
his face.
31
00:02:08,999 --> 00:02:09,999
Priceless.
32
00:02:10,027 --> 00:02:11,983
Look, Alfie, Preet's lost his job,
33
00:02:11,984 --> 00:02:14,978
it turns out my gym doesn't employ
anyone with a criminal record.
34
00:02:14,979 --> 00:02:15,979
Neither do schools!
35
00:02:16,027 --> 00:02:19,954
Not this school. I believe everyone
deserves a second chance.
36
00:02:19,955 --> 00:02:21,966
Who wants to celebrate
with some khat?
37
00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:25,031
It's like bay leaf, only it's
also an amphetamine.
38
00:02:26,047 --> 00:02:28,955
Everyone deserves a third chance.
39
00:02:37,043 --> 00:02:39,970
Right, sports day, you know
the drill.
40
00:02:39,971 --> 00:02:42,002
Sir draws our events
out of a hat. That way
41
00:02:42,003 --> 00:02:43,958
the humiliation's at random.
42
00:02:43,959 --> 00:02:47,974
OK. Andre, egg-and-spoon race.
Raj, 800 metres.
43
00:02:47,975 --> 00:02:49,971
Rem Dogg...
44
00:02:51,047 --> 00:02:52,982
..wheelbarrow race.
45
00:02:52,983 --> 00:02:55,950
Boom! Third year in a row.
46
00:02:55,951 --> 00:02:59,014
What a convenient coincidence.
Stephen... sack race.
47
00:02:59,015 --> 00:03:02,986
I am not wearing a sack in public.
Please let me customise it, sir.
48
00:03:02,987 --> 00:03:05,950
Fine, whatever. Er, Chantelle,
three-legged race.
49
00:03:05,951 --> 00:03:07,958
You know all about that, tripod.
50
00:03:07,959 --> 00:03:09,014
Cleo.
51
00:03:09,015 --> 00:03:11,042
I ain't doing no bait sports day.
100-metre dash.
52
00:03:11,043 --> 00:03:13,950
What, cos I'm black you think
I can sprint?
53
00:03:13,951 --> 00:03:15,962
What? No, it's all random.
54
00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:19,994
Why don't you just make me run with a boom box or put
a bargain bucket on the finishing line? Oh, God!
55
00:03:19,995 --> 00:03:22,978
Oh, sorry,
ain't there a bobsleigh team?
56
00:03:22,979 --> 00:03:24,970
You can sit this one out. Correct!
57
00:03:24,971 --> 00:03:27,966
I'm out, too. I'm covering sports
day for the school's newspaper.
58
00:03:27,967 --> 00:03:29,966
Did you guys read my latest edition?
59
00:03:29,967 --> 00:03:32,026
It's just a bit dry, babe.
60
00:03:32,027 --> 00:03:34,026
Dry but very absorbent.
61
00:03:34,027 --> 00:03:37,970
You need to give the readers what
they want - sex, scandal and Kimye.
62
00:03:37,971 --> 00:03:40,014
You want a scandal.
I heard Melanie Chubb, right,
63
00:03:40,015 --> 00:03:43,002
went to the toilet and accidentally
wiped her fanny with her dress!
64
00:03:43,003 --> 00:03:46,022
OMG, drams give me dates!
God help me.
65
00:03:46,023 --> 00:03:48,990
We're all in the gutter, Jing,
but some of us
66
00:03:48,991 --> 00:03:52,030
are looking up
the miniskirts of the stars!
67
00:03:52,031 --> 00:03:54,003
Alfie, can I have a quick word?
68
00:03:56,019 --> 00:03:58,970
Look, I just wanted to tell
you something
69
00:03:58,971 --> 00:04:01,091
because I didn't want you to hear
it from anyone else.
70
00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:04,998
You're sleeping with Richard, aren't you? You're
in love with him, you're going to get married!
71
00:04:04,999 --> 00:04:07,962
I just wanted to tell you that
Richard's coming to sports day.
72
00:04:07,963 --> 00:04:10,962
Why? What event's he doing? The race
to get his affairs in order?
73
00:04:10,963 --> 00:04:13,990
St Mark's Ambulance do our first aid
and Richard volunteers for them.
74
00:04:13,991 --> 00:04:17,014
Are you sure? Maybe he just keeps
being brought home in an ambulance!
75
00:04:17,015 --> 00:04:20,006
He's saying your boyfriend's
a scrotum-faced old buttfucker!
76
00:04:20,007 --> 00:04:21,962
Would you please stop doing that?
77
00:04:21,963 --> 00:04:24,002
For the last time,
Richard is not my boyfriend!
78
00:04:24,003 --> 00:04:26,958
That man is a coiled serpent
waiting to spring.
79
00:04:26,959 --> 00:04:30,994
The little prawn prince doesn't want
this cock-frocking junkie at sports day.
80
00:04:30,995 --> 00:04:33,970
But never fear, for I'm
trained in first aid, too.
81
00:04:33,971 --> 00:04:36,026
Stand Richard down,
Preet's got it covered.
82
00:04:36,027 --> 00:04:40,043
Yeah, in prison I sucked the shank
out of a warden's neck.
83
00:04:41,995 --> 00:04:44,975
Maybe let's keep Richard as Plan A.
84
00:04:47,043 --> 00:04:50,966
Hey, I thought you were sticking
it to stick it in the bokkie.
85
00:04:50,967 --> 00:04:51,986
We're on a break.
86
00:04:51,987 --> 00:04:55,954
Oh. Fuck the fuck.
Uh, mongrels off the leash, eh?
87
00:04:55,955 --> 00:04:58,026
Maybe tonight we should hit up
a few Stellenbraus.
88
00:04:58,027 --> 00:05:00,974
Lock and load,
go on the hunt for cooch.
89
00:05:00,975 --> 00:05:02,967
Yeah, never going to happen.
90
00:05:05,995 --> 00:05:07,042
Oh!
91
00:05:07,043 --> 00:05:09,042
Why are you wet?
92
00:05:09,043 --> 00:05:12,954
I don't fit in my locker anymore
so Grayson lubed me.
93
00:05:12,955 --> 00:05:15,950
Lube helps, sir, if you're trying to
squeeze into something small.
94
00:05:15,951 --> 00:05:18,591
Yes, thank you, Chantelle, I know
what lubricant is. I was in there
95
00:05:18,616 --> 00:05:20,990
for an hour. Thank God I keep it
well stocked with snacks.
96
00:05:20,991 --> 00:05:22,191
That may be why you don't fit.
97
00:05:22,216 --> 00:05:25,978
Grayson will keep giving you shit till you
slap him down. Girlfriend's got a point.
98
00:05:25,979 --> 00:05:27,982
Don't ever call me "girlfriend"
again. Noted!
99
00:05:27,983 --> 00:05:30,998
You should use sports day to put him
in his place. This is your chance to
100
00:05:30,999 --> 00:05:33,970
take Grayson down in front of the
whole school. Everyone loves
101
00:05:33,971 --> 00:05:36,010
an underdog. I can picture
the headlines.
102
00:05:36,011 --> 00:05:37,962
Jing's right.
103
00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:40,966
This is your perfect chance to beat
Grayson at... the hurdles!
104
00:05:40,967 --> 00:05:42,034
Maybe not.
105
00:05:42,035 --> 00:05:43,958
Kill me.
106
00:05:43,959 --> 00:05:44,982
Hash-tag light bulb.
107
00:05:44,983 --> 00:05:48,026
That old guy that tried to attach on
to Miss G is going to sports day, right?
108
00:05:48,027 --> 00:05:51,030
Why don't you challenge him?
Show Miss G what she's missing.
109
00:05:51,031 --> 00:05:52,974
That is a brilliant idea.
110
00:05:52,975 --> 00:05:55,375
Challenge him at what? You're even
slower and weaker than me.
111
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,982
Isn't it obvious?
Good old-fashioned dance-off.
112
00:05:57,983 --> 00:06:00,010
I can bust a few moves
out of my hip-hop locker.
113
00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:02,994
Your hip-hop moves are about this
far from a race crime.
114
00:06:02,995 --> 00:06:04,970
What you talking about?
115
00:06:04,971 --> 00:06:07,018
♪ I ain't saying she a gold digger
116
00:06:07,019 --> 00:06:09,959
♪ but I ain't messing
with no bro... ♪
117
00:06:10,159 --> 00:06:12,022
Man of Afro-Caribbean origin.
118
00:06:12,023 --> 00:06:16,954
What about a teacher and parent
race? Perfect!
119
00:06:16,955 --> 00:06:19,006
Well, I guess we'll have
to hit the gym.
120
00:06:19,007 --> 00:06:20,998
We? Well, I can't do this on my own.
121
00:06:20,999 --> 00:06:25,034
Look, guys, I know historically we've never done
well at sports day but this is the last one ever.
122
00:06:25,035 --> 00:06:29,995
Wouldn't it be great, just once,
to taste the sweet nectar of glory?
123
00:06:32,995 --> 00:06:34,982
You know how this plays out.
124
00:06:34,983 --> 00:06:36,063
OK, I'll buy you a Nando's.
125
00:06:38,003 --> 00:06:40,014
Three, two...
126
00:06:40,015 --> 00:06:42,006
Preet!
127
00:06:42,007 --> 00:06:44,958
Hello, moffie. My first PE lesson.
128
00:06:44,959 --> 00:06:47,030
I'm breaking these little bokkie
tots in gently.
129
00:06:47,031 --> 00:06:50,039
What are you playing? It, stuck
in the mud? Hunger Games.
130
00:06:52,039 --> 00:06:56,014
Cool! Um, look, you used to be
a personal trainer, right?
131
00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:58,010
Yeah, until the gym fired me.
132
00:06:58,011 --> 00:07:00,962
They didn't like me
trying to segregate customers.
133
00:07:00,963 --> 00:07:02,203
Actually, I'm with you on that.
134
00:07:02,228 --> 00:07:04,974
I way prefer gyms where the men's
and women's bits separate,
135
00:07:04,975 --> 00:07:06,030
less intimidating, eh?
136
00:07:06,031 --> 00:07:07,970
I didn't divide them by gender.
137
00:07:07,971 --> 00:07:09,018
Right.
138
00:07:09,019 --> 00:07:11,966
Um, look, I need you to put me
139
00:07:11,967 --> 00:07:14,006
and my class on a crash
course before sports day.
140
00:07:14,007 --> 00:07:15,954
Ha!
141
00:07:15,955 --> 00:07:17,026
But you're just a child.
142
00:07:17,027 --> 00:07:19,966
I could smell your mother's
milk on your breath.
143
00:07:19,967 --> 00:07:22,007
You're not ready to spar with
Preet van der Plessis.
144
00:07:22,032 --> 00:07:24,996
I don't want to fight you,
I just want some training.
145
00:07:27,971 --> 00:07:30,990
If you place yourself in my hands,
I will push you to the
146
00:07:30,991 --> 00:07:33,038
limits of human endurance.
147
00:07:33,039 --> 00:07:36,986
I will take you to a world of pain
that can change a man for ever.
148
00:07:36,987 --> 00:07:39,026
Put the fire of Africa
in your yum-yums!
149
00:07:39,027 --> 00:07:43,026
So ask yourself one question,
moffie, are you ready
150
00:07:43,027 --> 00:07:45,014
for the Preet heat?
151
00:07:45,015 --> 00:07:50,951
Yeah. Could you, er, un-cup me now?
152
00:07:52,955 --> 00:07:54,031
Ah!
153
00:08:00,035 --> 00:08:05,022
Body's a temple, time to sacrifice
some carbs to the Bud-god.
154
00:08:05,023 --> 00:08:08,014
Bird's got to keep that cracking
little toosh in trim, eh?
155
00:08:08,015 --> 00:08:10,994
Bit much. Protein shake, anyone?
156
00:08:10,995 --> 00:08:12,030
What flavour?
157
00:08:12,031 --> 00:08:13,998
Banana!
158
00:08:13,999 --> 00:08:16,966
Hey, try mine,
it's got shavings of real ivory,
159
00:08:16,967 --> 00:08:19,030
gives you purchase balls.
160
00:08:19,031 --> 00:08:20,986
No, thank you.
161
00:08:20,987 --> 00:08:22,998
Why are you drinking
a protein shake?
162
00:08:22,999 --> 00:08:26,954
Getting ready for the parents
and teachers race at sports day.
163
00:08:26,955 --> 00:08:29,974
Er, one question - can I do it in my
fun-run fancy dress? OK. Yes!
164
00:08:29,975 --> 00:08:35,958
Anyone can enter - parents, teachers,
medics, young, old, basically dead.
165
00:08:35,959 --> 00:08:39,986
Oh! I can invite Richard. How do I
get in contact with someone like him?
166
00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:42,010
Morse code, pigeon... seance?
167
00:08:42,011 --> 00:08:44,994
You know what, I'm sure he'll
jump at the opportunity.
168
00:08:44,995 --> 00:08:47,038
Please, probably hasn't jumped
since Hammer Time.
169
00:08:47,039 --> 00:08:49,026
Hey, can't touch this.
170
00:08:49,027 --> 00:08:50,030
Skeletal.
171
00:08:50,031 --> 00:08:54,978
Oh, and just so you know, Richard
used to sprint for his university.
172
00:08:54,979 --> 00:08:58,966
Babe, you have no idea how quick
I am over the finish line.
173
00:08:58,967 --> 00:09:00,034
Oh, I think I do.
174
00:09:00,035 --> 00:09:03,014
Alf, could you really beat Richard?
175
00:09:03,015 --> 00:09:05,030
Well,
she said that he was a sprinter,
176
00:09:05,031 --> 00:09:08,022
so let's make it an endurance event.
177
00:09:08,023 --> 00:09:10,998
You got it, Wikus, I'll
design it myself.
178
00:09:10,999 --> 00:09:13,018
I'll call it "the Master Race".
179
00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:15,002
We probably won't.
180
00:09:15,003 --> 00:09:16,962
The old gang back together, eh?
181
00:09:16,963 --> 00:09:18,982
The boys, the lads, the lady-killers.
182
00:09:18,983 --> 00:09:21,951
Never proven. Come, moffie,
I wish to make you sweat.
183
00:09:28,015 --> 00:09:30,006
Right, I've found a brown leather
184
00:09:30,007 --> 00:09:33,030
Moby clutch on net-a-porter.com. At
a push it works with the sackcloth.
185
00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:35,998
Have you read the newspaper yet?
I can't believe it!
186
00:09:35,999 --> 00:09:38,974
Steroids. Jing, is this for real?
187
00:09:38,975 --> 00:09:41,018
Yep, someone at the school's been
taking steroids.
188
00:09:41,019 --> 00:09:43,986
We'll be publishing
exclusives all week.
189
00:09:43,987 --> 00:09:45,958
Maybe I should get some steroids.
190
00:09:45,959 --> 00:09:48,030
Joe, you don't need steroids,
Preet's training us.
191
00:09:48,031 --> 00:09:51,014
Uh! I can't believe
they let that psycho back in 'ere.
192
00:09:51,015 --> 00:09:52,046
He's not a psycho.
193
00:09:52,047 --> 00:09:57,010
Preet's had something called "art
therapy", it's really mellowed him.
194
00:09:57,011 --> 00:09:59,990
Listen up, you scrawny,
pimple-necked,
195
00:09:59,991 --> 00:10:01,991
cat-wracking pieces of shit!
196
00:10:02,995 --> 00:10:04,038
Preet?
197
00:10:04,039 --> 00:10:06,994
Sorry.
198
00:10:06,995 --> 00:10:10,043
♪ Hi-de-hi, kinderbok,
I'm Uncle Preet. ♪
199
00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:12,030
He's scary when he's being nice.
200
00:10:12,031 --> 00:10:14,007
On your feet.
201
00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:26,982
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
Non-regulation socks.
202
00:10:26,983 --> 00:10:29,038
So, I don't have white socks,
big deal!
203
00:10:29,039 --> 00:10:32,018
Do you know what happens
when you mix whites and coloureds?
204
00:10:32,019 --> 00:10:34,010
It ruins your wash?
205
00:10:34,011 --> 00:10:35,962
Society crumbles!
206
00:10:35,963 --> 00:10:40,022
Er, this is all I had. You have broken the ancient
code of physical education, you know the punishment!
207
00:10:40,023 --> 00:10:42,038
Can I remind you I am a teacher?
208
00:10:42,039 --> 00:10:44,023
Do you want me to train you or not?
209
00:10:46,967 --> 00:10:48,018
Yes.
210
00:10:48,019 --> 00:10:49,967
Let's dance.
211
00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:11,987
Whoa!
212
00:11:14,031 --> 00:11:15,971
Yah!
213
00:11:16,995 --> 00:11:19,015
Whoa!
214
00:11:25,039 --> 00:11:26,047
Whoa!
215
00:11:31,043 --> 00:11:34,950
Urgh! Oh!
216
00:11:34,951 --> 00:11:38,034
I'll never beat Grayson,
he hurdles for the school team.
217
00:11:38,035 --> 00:11:40,998
Joe, you've got an Olympic record.
218
00:11:40,999 --> 00:11:44,034
I'm the fastest under-18 to finish
the Little Chef Olympic Breakfast.
219
00:11:44,035 --> 00:11:47,002
That's part of the problem,
not the solution.
220
00:11:47,003 --> 00:11:48,954
Bullshit.
221
00:11:48,955 --> 00:11:50,966
Joe, you have got the hunger.
222
00:11:50,967 --> 00:11:53,954
When you see a barrier, you don't
stop, you power on through.
223
00:11:53,955 --> 00:11:56,962
Great, but aren't I supposed
to be jumping over the barriers?
224
00:11:56,963 --> 00:11:58,966
What are you doing?
225
00:11:58,967 --> 00:12:00,047
Oh, just er, fixing up this
226
00:12:00,072 --> 00:12:03,042
bad boy so I can teach
and burn at the same time.
227
00:12:03,043 --> 00:12:05,998
Alfie, I know you're hurting,
but losing to
228
00:12:05,999 --> 00:12:09,002
Richard in front of everyone is only
going to make things worse.
229
00:12:09,003 --> 00:12:11,034
Huh, me lose to Richard? Please.
230
00:12:11,035 --> 00:12:13,990
Name one thing he's got that
I haven't?
231
00:12:13,991 --> 00:12:16,950
Sensitivity, maturity, charm.
232
00:12:16,951 --> 00:12:18,962
Yeah, but I said one thing,
not three.
233
00:12:18,963 --> 00:12:21,954
And, anyway,
at least I'm biodegradable.
234
00:12:21,955 --> 00:12:25,034
Yeah, his plastic hips ain't going
to be decomposing any time soon.
235
00:12:25,035 --> 00:12:29,974
Now, if you'd kindly
vamoose from the artist's studio,
236
00:12:29,975 --> 00:12:32,982
I have got a body to sculpt.
237
00:12:32,983 --> 00:12:34,975
Ow!
238
00:12:35,979 --> 00:12:37,986
See you later, Michelangelo.
239
00:12:37,987 --> 00:12:41,007
I think I've broken me coccyx.
240
00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:05,970
If you have a thirst for the crease,
you can always
241
00:13:05,971 --> 00:13:09,046
play for my village team. I bet you
can still trouble a boundary, eh, eh?
242
00:13:09,047 --> 00:13:11,950
Have you been talking to my ex-wife?
243
00:13:11,951 --> 00:13:13,011
Which one?
244
00:13:14,959 --> 00:13:16,046
Ah, smoocher, come perch.
245
00:13:16,047 --> 00:13:20,950
We were just chin-wagging about the
pick and pock of leather on willow.
246
00:13:20,951 --> 00:13:23,006
Sorry, I don't speak
Last Of The Summer Wine.
247
00:13:23,007 --> 00:13:24,087
We share a love of cricket.
248
00:13:24,112 --> 00:13:28,046
Rosie informs me that my presence is
requested at the adults' race.
249
00:13:28,047 --> 00:13:31,038
Yeah, Richard and you better
bring your A-game, mate.
250
00:13:31,039 --> 00:13:34,006
Absolutely, but in the words
of the Greek philosopher,
251
00:13:34,007 --> 00:13:37,022
Epictetus, it is not the winning
but the taking part which counts.
252
00:13:37,023 --> 00:13:41,002
Well, in the words of Alfie Wickers,
I hope your silly little ambulance
253
00:13:41,003 --> 00:13:44,951
has got room for both your assholes,
cos I'm going to tear you a new one.
254
00:13:46,007 --> 00:13:49,998
Brilliant. A new asshole, I, must
remember that one for bridge club.
255
00:13:49,999 --> 00:13:53,011
You play bridge as well?
Which discipline? Rubber.
256
00:13:54,979 --> 00:13:58,026
Next you'll be telling me you go to
Bang Bang's Massage Parlour
257
00:13:58,027 --> 00:13:59,982
in Tring with the nice Thai ladies.
258
00:13:59,983 --> 00:14:01,954
No, no, I... Right, you, here.
259
00:14:01,955 --> 00:14:04,030
What the hell was all that about?
260
00:14:04,031 --> 00:14:06,958
Why are you being
so friendly with Richard?
261
00:14:06,959 --> 00:14:08,199
Richard, what's wrong with him?
262
00:14:08,224 --> 00:14:12,950
What, you mean other than the fact that
he's trying to shag my girlfriend? Yes.
263
00:14:12,951 --> 00:14:15,014
♪ What's that coming over the hill,
is it a monster?
264
00:14:15,015 --> 00:14:16,967
♪ Is it a monster? ♪
265
00:14:18,039 --> 00:14:19,982
Jesus Christ!
266
00:14:19,983 --> 00:14:21,006
Great costume, chap.
267
00:14:21,007 --> 00:14:25,026
And I like yours, too, weird, old,
random bus conductor man.
268
00:14:25,027 --> 00:14:28,002
Oh, God, sorry,
I haven't introduced you.
269
00:14:28,003 --> 00:14:31,046
Fraser, this is my... A privilege to
finally meet your father.
270
00:14:31,047 --> 00:14:33,994
Rosie talks about her old man
non-stop.
271
00:14:33,995 --> 00:14:35,046
No, Fraser, this...
272
00:14:35,047 --> 00:14:37,034
But where's Mrs Gulliver? Preet!
273
00:14:37,035 --> 00:14:39,022
Come and meet Rosie's dad!
274
00:14:39,023 --> 00:14:42,982
Hello there, you old fat fecker.
Stukkie's a very confident lady.
275
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:45,014
We were a little... belt-shy, bro?
276
00:14:45,015 --> 00:14:47,970
Er, actually, I'm not Rosie's pater.
277
00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:53,019
This is Richard, my... friend!
278
00:15:00,035 --> 00:15:03,954
Did I tell you I'm entering
the mothers' sack race?
279
00:15:03,955 --> 00:15:05,990
Oh, not this joke. Every year.
280
00:15:05,991 --> 00:15:08,047
Got to get one of those hot
mammas into the sack.
281
00:15:10,019 --> 00:15:13,031
Come, I have a surprise for you.
282
00:15:18,983 --> 00:15:22,974
Right, Preet, when I said obstacles
I meant, like, a few hurdles.
283
00:15:22,975 --> 00:15:25,034
The most brutal obstacle course
known to man.
284
00:15:25,035 --> 00:15:28,010
And I've got a truckload
of attack dogs coming, too.
285
00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:29,014
Attack dogs?
286
00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:33,990
And how do you plan to control
a pack of attack dogs with children?
287
00:15:33,991 --> 00:15:37,022
You've got a tranquiliser gun.
Of course you do.
288
00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:40,998
Um, is, is that legal?
It's a grey area.
289
00:15:40,999 --> 00:15:44,026
Decapaccini, that cat guzzling old
goat will faint just
290
00:15:44,027 --> 00:15:45,998
looking at this.
291
00:15:45,999 --> 00:15:48,982
Or my name's not Preet Cornelius
Hennyhenwig, Hoitetoit,
292
00:15:48,983 --> 00:15:52,950
Goosenhousen, Tabactablanche,
Vestavesen, Voota van der Plessis.
293
00:15:52,951 --> 00:15:55,018
Yeah, I mean I, I wanted to
test his endurance
294
00:15:55,019 --> 00:15:56,998
but this could actually kill me.
295
00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:59,990
As I told my cell mate the night
I tattooed his back with biro ink
296
00:15:59,991 --> 00:16:04,014
and a red hot needle, pain is
temporary, glory is for ever.
297
00:16:04,015 --> 00:16:06,978
TIA, bro. This is Africa!
298
00:16:06,979 --> 00:16:09,999
TIT, this is Tring.
299
00:16:13,955 --> 00:16:15,014
On your marks!
300
00:16:15,015 --> 00:16:16,962
Go on, Chantelle!
301
00:16:16,963 --> 00:16:19,954
Get set! Right, if you help me
win this I'll let you touch me tit.
302
00:16:19,955 --> 00:16:21,031
Go!
303
00:16:34,011 --> 00:16:36,994
On your marks, get set...
304
00:16:36,995 --> 00:16:38,039
Go!
305
00:16:57,967 --> 00:16:59,031
Go, Stephen!
306
00:17:03,003 --> 00:17:05,954
Shit, that boy can work it.
307
00:17:05,955 --> 00:17:08,027
Yeah, I suspect
he may be disqualified.
308
00:17:11,983 --> 00:17:13,046
Shamazing!
309
00:17:13,047 --> 00:17:15,986
Joe!
310
00:17:15,987 --> 00:17:18,962
There you are, buddy.
311
00:17:18,963 --> 00:17:21,994
Come on, it's time for the hurdles.
I don't want to do it.
312
00:17:21,995 --> 00:17:24,994
I'll never beat Grayson,
this was a stupid idea.
313
00:17:24,995 --> 00:17:28,958
But the Olympic breakfast.
Forget the breakfast, Alfie.
314
00:17:28,959 --> 00:17:32,034
Joe, remember what I said? When you
hit a barrier, you don't stop,
315
00:17:32,035 --> 00:17:34,006
you power on through.
316
00:17:34,007 --> 00:17:36,950
That's how you're going to beat
Grayson. That...
317
00:17:36,951 --> 00:17:38,958
and by making sure you
run in lane three.
318
00:17:38,959 --> 00:17:40,002
I don't get it.
319
00:17:40,003 --> 00:17:41,046
Just trust me.
320
00:17:41,047 --> 00:17:45,035
Shut your eyes and run like the time
you got the shits on the Cutty Sark.
321
00:17:49,995 --> 00:17:53,955
"To Joe, good luck, Grayson."
322
00:17:56,959 --> 00:17:58,015
Get down!
323
00:18:06,019 --> 00:18:08,982
All right, Shrek?
324
00:18:08,983 --> 00:18:12,023
Smile for the camera,
this shit's going on Roo Tube.
325
00:18:15,047 --> 00:18:18,950
He looks... angry.
326
00:18:18,951 --> 00:18:22,027
On your marks, get set, go!
327
00:18:32,995 --> 00:18:35,974
I think I know who's been
taking them steroids in.
328
00:18:35,975 --> 00:18:39,007
Joe's not on steroids.
I weakened his hurdles.
329
00:18:51,031 --> 00:18:55,010
Joe! You can stop now!
330
00:18:55,011 --> 00:18:57,018
He'll tire himself out.
331
00:18:57,019 --> 00:18:59,027
Eventually.
332
00:19:00,971 --> 00:19:02,003
Joe!
333
00:19:05,983 --> 00:19:07,970
Ladies and gentlemen,
334
00:19:07,971 --> 00:19:10,958
the parent-and-teacher race will
commence in ten minutes.
335
00:19:10,959 --> 00:19:12,002
Thanky-doodle-do.
336
00:19:12,003 --> 00:19:13,986
Good luck, mate, going to need it.
337
00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:15,994
Oh, don't be too cocky, young swain.
338
00:19:15,995 --> 00:19:19,982
Remember I have a secret weapon,
consilium.
339
00:19:19,983 --> 00:19:21,046
What the hell is that?
340
00:19:21,047 --> 00:19:23,023
You'll find out.
341
00:19:28,035 --> 00:19:30,038
He said it to my face, Jing.
342
00:19:30,039 --> 00:19:33,006
He's got a secret weapon that's
going to help him win.
343
00:19:33,007 --> 00:19:35,010
Yeah, but what's consilium?
344
00:19:35,011 --> 00:19:37,026
Um, what does it sound like? A drug.
345
00:19:37,027 --> 00:19:39,006
Now where's his bag?
346
00:19:39,007 --> 00:19:40,986
I'm not sure about this, sir.
347
00:19:40,987 --> 00:19:43,034
Your steroid story, he's the cheat!
348
00:19:43,035 --> 00:19:46,038
It all makes sense,
a medic with access to drugs.
349
00:19:46,039 --> 00:19:49,026
That's why Rosie's
so confident he's going to win,
350
00:19:49,027 --> 00:19:51,018
she knows he's on this consilium.
351
00:19:51,019 --> 00:19:53,954
Ah!
352
00:19:53,955 --> 00:19:56,115
Talcum powder, Wisden, Y-fronts
the colour of weak tea,
353
00:19:56,140 --> 00:19:58,026
this is Richard's bag.
354
00:19:58,027 --> 00:20:00,958
Sir, the steroid story's not
entirely true.
355
00:20:00,959 --> 00:20:03,966
Bingo! The roidy bastard!
356
00:20:03,967 --> 00:20:06,970
But how? I made the story up.
357
00:20:06,971 --> 00:20:11,010
You lied in print and you want to
become a journalist. Jing.
358
00:20:11,011 --> 00:20:12,982
Well.
359
00:20:12,983 --> 00:20:15,974
Now you've got all the evidence you
need, take him down.
360
00:20:15,975 --> 00:20:17,954
But what about you?
361
00:20:17,955 --> 00:20:19,958
You won't beat him
if he's on steroids.
362
00:20:19,959 --> 00:20:20,999
If you can't beat 'em...
363
00:20:25,003 --> 00:20:29,978
Now, go, Jing, and remember, the
truth and nothing but the truth.
364
00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:33,975
Although, obviously, don't mention
that I took the steroids as well.
365
00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:52,982
Naughty moffie, caught
with your hand in the Biltong jar!
366
00:20:52,983 --> 00:20:54,042
Preet, what the hell?
367
00:20:54,043 --> 00:20:58,022
If Pistorius taught me one thing,
it's shit with the door open.
368
00:20:58,023 --> 00:21:00,994
Right, I'm just... Oh, God.
369
00:21:00,995 --> 00:21:04,026
Don't worry, moffie,
your secret's safe with me.
370
00:21:04,027 --> 00:21:07,002
Yeah, well, there's no secret, cos
I wasn't actually doing anything.
371
00:21:07,003 --> 00:21:09,982
Two men share a secret, it binds
them together,
372
00:21:09,983 --> 00:21:12,031
entwining them
into one beating heart.
373
00:21:14,999 --> 00:21:16,978
You going to have a wipe of that?
374
00:21:16,979 --> 00:21:20,974
First month in prison,
I hated you for what you did to me.
375
00:21:20,975 --> 00:21:23,026
To be fair, you attacked me.
376
00:21:23,027 --> 00:21:26,026
Every night I dreamt of turning
your jib-jabs into drills.
377
00:21:26,027 --> 00:21:27,998
A bit close.
378
00:21:27,999 --> 00:21:30,047
But then I began my course
of art therapy.
379
00:21:32,971 --> 00:21:34,954
Would you like to see my sketches?
380
00:21:34,955 --> 00:21:36,031
Not really.
381
00:21:40,995 --> 00:21:43,995
Oh, look, it's me.
382
00:21:45,987 --> 00:21:48,015
Oh, Jesus Christ!
383
00:21:49,955 --> 00:21:52,038
Oh, you have been busy.
384
00:21:52,039 --> 00:21:54,990
Feel free to stop at any...
385
00:21:54,991 --> 00:21:58,047
Ooh! So much detail.
386
00:21:59,999 --> 00:22:03,970
Oh, my God, don't know where I end
and you begin.
387
00:22:03,971 --> 00:22:08,002
Slowly I discovered there is only
one thing stronger than hate.
388
00:22:08,003 --> 00:22:09,982
Please don't say "love".
389
00:22:09,983 --> 00:22:11,958
Tattoos.
390
00:22:11,959 --> 00:22:13,010
Me again!
391
00:22:13,011 --> 00:22:16,046
My cell-mate, Hilary, chewed through
an entire khat bush to numb the pain.
392
00:22:16,047 --> 00:22:20,042
Yeah, why has your cell-mate
got my face tattooed onto his back?
393
00:22:20,043 --> 00:22:25,014
OK, I've just worked that
one out for myself.
394
00:22:25,015 --> 00:22:30,954
Preet, um, I like you
but I don't "like you" like you.
395
00:22:30,955 --> 00:22:35,046
Do you know what happens
when you break a lion's heart?
396
00:22:35,047 --> 00:22:38,995
Does it go to live with a warthog
and a meerkat?
397
00:22:40,043 --> 00:22:43,006
I will devour you,
moffie, as sure as my name is
398
00:22:43,007 --> 00:22:46,046
Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig,
Hoitetoit, Goosen...
399
00:22:46,047 --> 00:22:48,002
Er, got it.
400
00:22:48,003 --> 00:22:50,015
Alfie, it's time.
401
00:22:52,043 --> 00:22:54,038
I'll just tiptoe out.
402
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:56,950
No, wait for me!
403
00:22:56,951 --> 00:22:57,971
Moffie!
404
00:23:00,983 --> 00:23:02,046
Good luck.
405
00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:03,990
Carpe diem.
406
00:23:03,991 --> 00:23:06,042
Pfft, you're going to need more
than luck, mate,
407
00:23:06,043 --> 00:23:09,950
now I've got my hands on some
of your precious consilium.
408
00:23:09,951 --> 00:23:11,022
Yeah, that's right sucker.
409
00:23:11,023 --> 00:23:12,974
So you are a classicist?
410
00:23:12,975 --> 00:23:14,970
What are you talking about?
411
00:23:14,971 --> 00:23:17,994
Consilium, Latin for wisdom.
My secret weapon, old boy.
412
00:23:17,995 --> 00:23:19,954
Yeah, pull the other one, Farage.
413
00:23:19,955 --> 00:23:21,962
I'm talking about these.
414
00:23:21,963 --> 00:23:23,958
And don't you worry.
415
00:23:23,959 --> 00:23:25,239
I've levelled the playing field.
416
00:23:25,264 --> 00:23:26,958
Oh, crikey, yes, er...
417
00:23:26,959 --> 00:23:28,954
It's all very embarrassing.
418
00:23:28,955 --> 00:23:31,958
Yes, well, you see, at my age, er,
one, one sometimes, er,
419
00:23:31,959 --> 00:23:34,954
not always, but sometimes one,
one feels the need for, er,
420
00:23:34,955 --> 00:23:39,010
a little help in, in the,
in the bedroom department.
421
00:23:39,011 --> 00:23:40,994
What are you banging on about?
422
00:23:40,995 --> 00:23:42,982
Viagra.
423
00:23:42,983 --> 00:23:44,014
What?
424
00:23:44,015 --> 00:23:45,998
Viagra. Viagra?!
425
00:23:45,999 --> 00:23:47,954
Sh! Yes.
426
00:23:47,955 --> 00:23:50,030
Wait, sorry,
why would you need Viagra?
427
00:23:50,031 --> 00:23:52,978
Well, Rosie and I are...
428
00:23:52,979 --> 00:23:54,994
Friends!
429
00:23:54,995 --> 00:23:57,018
Yes, but plan for success,
prepare for failure.
430
00:23:57,019 --> 00:23:59,974
Rosie and I might become friends
with benefits.
431
00:23:59,975 --> 00:24:01,018
Ugh!
432
00:24:01,019 --> 00:24:03,962
Ugh, for using the phrase
"friends with benefits".
433
00:24:03,963 --> 00:24:07,010
Ugh, for betraying Rosie's trust
and trying to shag my girlfriend,
434
00:24:07,011 --> 00:24:09,022
you... shit.
435
00:24:09,023 --> 00:24:12,974
Come on, Richard, you can do it!
436
00:24:12,975 --> 00:24:14,962
Shut up, Dad!
437
00:24:14,963 --> 00:24:17,018
Wait, how long do those things
take to kick in?
438
00:24:17,019 --> 00:24:19,002
Well, it depends how many you took.
439
00:24:19,003 --> 00:24:20,974
Round it down to about five.
440
00:24:20,975 --> 00:24:23,978
Yeah, you've got er, six,
maybe seven minutes before things
441
00:24:23,979 --> 00:24:26,966
start bursting
through your shorts like the Kraken.
442
00:24:26,967 --> 00:24:28,022
Shit!
443
00:24:28,023 --> 00:24:29,982
Preet, start the race!
444
00:24:29,983 --> 00:24:32,014
I have got to give a quick health
and safety check.
445
00:24:32,015 --> 00:24:35,967
Preet, start the race! I love it
when you're brusque with me, moffie.
446
00:24:41,011 --> 00:24:43,990
Mr Wickers ain't moved that fast
since he found me
447
00:24:43,991 --> 00:24:46,111
lying on his desk wearing nothing
but a sushi platter.
448
00:24:46,136 --> 00:24:49,136
Think unsexy thoughts,
think unsexy thoughts.
449
00:24:50,999 --> 00:24:53,027
Granny in a thong.
450
00:24:55,047 --> 00:24:57,011
Adrian Chiles' banter.
451
00:25:00,963 --> 00:25:02,083
Eric Pickles on the shitter.
452
00:25:06,019 --> 00:25:09,019
Ian Beale crying.
453
00:25:15,019 --> 00:25:16,982
Come on, Alfie!
454
00:25:16,983 --> 00:25:19,950
Please not on the monkey bars.
455
00:25:19,951 --> 00:25:21,959
God, no, not on the monkey bars.
456
00:25:28,983 --> 00:25:30,971
Come on, Richard!
457
00:25:32,983 --> 00:25:35,967
Feel blood heading south.
458
00:25:37,031 --> 00:25:39,007
Come on, Alfie!
459
00:25:41,971 --> 00:25:43,031
What's he doing?
460
00:25:45,995 --> 00:25:49,038
Maybe you've got to commando
crawl the last bit.
461
00:25:49,039 --> 00:25:51,971
Is he wearing a little plough?
462
00:25:54,967 --> 00:25:56,983
I can't watch,
Richard's going to catch him.
463
00:25:59,015 --> 00:26:01,046
Oh, no, you don't, old goat.
464
00:26:01,047 --> 00:26:03,967
Moffie shall go to the ball.
465
00:26:10,003 --> 00:26:11,998
Steady.
466
00:26:11,999 --> 00:26:13,038
He's got a gun, get down!
467
00:26:13,039 --> 00:26:15,031
Ooh!
468
00:26:16,995 --> 00:26:19,971
Oh!
469
00:26:25,039 --> 00:26:28,022
He's not breathing. I'll have to
give him mouth-to-mouth.
470
00:26:28,023 --> 00:26:29,971
Oh!
471
00:26:33,995 --> 00:26:35,986
I can't feel my legs.
472
00:26:35,987 --> 00:26:37,998
Uh!
473
00:26:37,999 --> 00:26:41,018
Teach me everything you know.
474
00:26:41,019 --> 00:26:43,026
Alfie, why have you...?
475
00:26:43,027 --> 00:26:45,950
Before everyone thinks I'm
a massive weirdo.
476
00:26:45,951 --> 00:26:47,006
A bit late for that, bro.
477
00:26:47,007 --> 00:26:50,046
I cheated, OK?
Or at least I tried to cheat.
478
00:26:50,047 --> 00:26:53,014
I thought Richard was on steroids
cos I found these blue
479
00:26:53,015 --> 00:26:55,978
pills in his bag but they weren't
steroids, they were Viagra.
480
00:26:55,979 --> 00:26:57,022
Don't stress.
481
00:26:57,023 --> 00:26:59,954
Viagra? Why, why does Richard
have...?
482
00:26:59,955 --> 00:27:01,990
Rosie, Rosie, Rosie,
it's not what you...
483
00:27:01,991 --> 00:27:06,030
I would hate for you to presume
that er, that, but, but, but...
484
00:27:06,031 --> 00:27:08,027
but, well, plan to succeed.
485
00:27:10,963 --> 00:27:12,026
Rosie, I did...
486
00:27:12,027 --> 00:27:15,010
If you say, "I told you so,"
you'll get one of those as well.
487
00:27:15,011 --> 00:27:19,006
Excuse me, please. Rosie, no, no, no,
Rosie, wait, please.
488
00:27:19,007 --> 00:27:20,038
Yeah, I win!
489
00:27:20,039 --> 00:27:21,827
Do you, though? Really?
490
00:27:22,027 --> 00:27:25,022
Could someone maybe cover that up?
491
00:27:25,023 --> 00:27:27,974
Moffie, I'll write!
492
00:27:27,975 --> 00:27:29,876
I won't reply!
493
00:27:30,076 --> 00:27:31,978
Ugh, yeah, ugh!
494
00:27:31,979 --> 00:27:34,027
Suppose we better get
a new PE teacher, then.
495
00:27:41,975 --> 00:27:45,967
Good news, sir, I got the photo
finish of the race, you won!
496
00:27:46,167 --> 00:27:48,966
Yes! I rule!
497
00:27:48,967 --> 00:27:51,026
You won by a head.
498
00:27:51,027 --> 00:27:54,019
It's the most popular
edition in the school's history.
499
00:27:54,020 --> 00:27:56,994
You saved the paper, sir!
Everyone's reading it.
500
00:27:56,995 --> 00:27:59,773
Oh, great!
38950
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