Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:02,878
We need to persuade Matt Delaney
not to cross the floor.
2
00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:05,758
I think we should use
the carrot-and-stick approach, yeah.
3
00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:08,434
You take a carrot,
you stick it up his fucking ass,
4
00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:12,195
followed by the stick, followed
by an even bigger, rougher carrot.
5
00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:13,315
- Hello.
- Hi.
6
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:14,833
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
7
00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:17,354
Ah, you got past
mad conference security, then?
8
00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:18,759
It's bonkers, isn't it?
9
00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:20,193
It's like trying to get
through Israeli customs
10
00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:22,111
wearing a T-shirt saying,
"I heart bombing Israel."
11
00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:23,553
I know. I mean,
I had to wait for an hour
12
00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:25,312
and they practically gave me
a cavity search.
13
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:26,594
Aw, only practically?
14
00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:29,194
The sense of disappointment
in your voice is almost palpable.
15
00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:31,555
Oh, your bed's bigger than mine.
16
00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,119
In fact, your whole room's
bigger than mine.
17
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,350
Well, um... Do you want it?
18
00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:40,036
Mr Lova Lova, full marks
for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in.
19
00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:41,599
Do I want your room? No, honestly.
20
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:44,240
I just thought they'd all be the same,
sort of vanilla and monotonous.
21
00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:46,436
Did you ask them for
your special tiny kettle?
22
00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:48,078
It's an electric thimble.
23
00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:52,278
Maybe the room only looks bigger
because Glenn's kettle is so tiny.
24
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,995
So, has our people's champion arrived?
25
00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:56,593
Have you spoken to her?
Is she all right?
26
00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:58,033
Oh, no, no, no,
she should be over it by now.
27
00:00:58,120 --> 00:00:59,473
Her husband died, what, four months ago?
28
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,073
So, I mean,
she's beyond the crying phase.
29
00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:03,037
She's clearly not that over it, Glenn.
30
00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:06,556
She's leading a public campaign
to change building regulations.
31
00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:09,200
Yeah, well, you know, seven people died
when that cafe collapsed.
32
00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:11,669
She's entitled to her 15 minutes.
33
00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:16,197
How do you think I should, um,
mention the tragedy when I talk to her?
34
00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:18,714
Just, um, "Sorry for your loss,
35
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,279
"thoughts with you
at this very difficult time"
36
00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:21,713
yadda yadda yadda, all of, you know...
37
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:24,473
Not... Without the
"yadda yadda yadda" bit, obviously.
38
00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:26,152
And I'm going to need some jokes
for my speech.
39
00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:28,117
Oh, do you think that's a good idea?
40
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,236
- Not collapsing cafe jokes.
- No.
41
00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:31,958
That's a shame.
I had a bunch of those.
42
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,998
Thought you could call them
the Little Chef Seven.
43
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,435
You know, special of the day, crumble!
44
00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:38,509
NICOLA: See, that's not funny.
45
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:41,273
Howdy doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan,
your press officer at the conference.
46
00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:44,113
- Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi.
- Hi. How was your holiday?
47
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:46,634
Ah, well, you know,
we wanted to go to Florida,
48
00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:49,075
but Malcolm suggested
we went to Suffolk,
49
00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:51,355
and so the kids were miserable,
weather was miserable,
50
00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:53,715
and Malcolm rang and shouted at me
for looking miserable.
51
00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:55,950
I saw the photo, uh,
in the wellies next to the horse.
52
00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:59,350
"Why the long face?" It was funny.
Or not, depending on your perspective.
53
00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:01,158
Still, things are looking up.
You're in Eastbourne now,
54
00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:04,710
which really is the jewel in the crown
of our shit seaside resorts.
55
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,791
Clacton of the Southwest, they call it.
56
00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:09,713
Um, anyway,
I'm here to meet Julie Prince.
57
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:10,789
Price.
58
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:13,235
- That's the fellow. She's the, uh...
- The applause monkey.
59
00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:15,311
(LAUGHING) That's funny,
"the applause monkey".
60
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:18,836
Show some respect, for fuck's sake.
Her husband's just died.
61
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:23,232
I'm so sorry. Glenn, you're quite right.
I will now observe a moment's silence.
62
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:26,118
John, do you know what
the Wi-Fi password is?
63
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:27,394
- I don't know what it is.
- No?
64
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:28,629
- No.
- You've been here...
65
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:30,870
I know, I've just... I'm very busy.
Haven't really had time.
66
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,712
I mean, I assure you,
despite the calm exterior,
67
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,472
I am not waving but drowning.
68
00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:36,790
John, are you across
this thing about, um,
69
00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:39,394
Peter Mannion lining up
a second holiday?
70
00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:40,959
Um, Mannion, right, yeah.
71
00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:43,031
Peter Mannion, my opposite number,
you know?
72
00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:44,109
- Yes.
- Okay, good.
73
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,191
So you're going to push that
for the press for me, yeah?
74
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:47,679
'Cause I just want to remind people
75
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:49,716
that while he's criticising us
over the recession,
76
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,268
he's, you know, swanning around
on his friend's massive yacht.
77
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:53,952
Oh, okay. "He's gay."
78
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,031
- Oh, for fuck...
- OLLY: No, not gay.
79
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:57,951
It's a hypocrisy thing.
80
00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,918
(STAMMERS) Yeah, well, I mean, in
principle yeah, but it is conference,
81
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:02,991
so my to-do list is longer
than a big willy.
82
00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:04,638
John, without wishing to sound blunt...
83
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:07,075
Um, actually, you know what?
Fuck it, let's sound blunt.
84
00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:08,718
It is your job.
85
00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:12,518
I'll do what I can.
That is a Duggan promise.
86
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,271
- He's not going to do it, is he?
- Absolutely fucking useless.
87
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:16,395
He's completely not going to do it.
88
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:19,790
I think the reason he's got that fringe
is so that he hides the lobotomy scars.
89
00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:22,110
- Is that right?
- I'm absolutely certain of it.
90
00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:23,792
So, what's the beard for?
91
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:25,757
- Who is she, by the way?
- Oh, hello again.
92
00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:27,512
- Olly, right?
- Yes.
93
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:31,878
She was married to one of those guys
who died when that cafe collapsed.
94
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,109
She's not going to be crying
or anything, is she?
95
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:34,315
Get enough of that at home, right?
96
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:35,389
(CHUCKLING)
97
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,391
Glenn says that she's changed
her Facebook status
98
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:38,708
to "single and up for it",
99
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,837
which I believe is actually why Glenn
brought her here in the first place.
100
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:45,390
Listen, John, there's an outside chance
that she may just prefer
101
00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:48,597
to meet a human being,
so I'm going to come down with you.
102
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:50,272
Good idea.
You can buy her a coffee, you can...
103
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,510
You could maybe buy her
a "collapsuccino".
104
00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:55,796
Might bring back memories
of her latte husband.
105
00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:56,869
As in late husband.
106
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,916
We're like Dick and Dom, aren't we?
Great chemistry.
107
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,877
Except neither one of you are Doms.
108
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:02,234
Terri, hi, it's me.
109
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:04,117
Have you read up about
this Peter Mannion
110
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,156
second holiday thing
on the Dig Deep blog?
111
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,674
No, no, I haven't actually seen that.
Where's he off to?
112
00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:09,795
Amalfi.
113
00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:11,199
So, could you make a few phone calls?
114
00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:12,793
See if you can get it
some press traction?
115
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:14,279
I'm sorry, I just can't do that.
116
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:15,475
That's a party political matter.
117
00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:17,835
You're going to have
to get John Duggan onto that,
118
00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:19,512
'cause it's his responsibility.
119
00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:22,160
Trouble is, Terri, that the only
thing John Duggan is doing here
120
00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:24,356
is depriving a village somewhere
of a twat.
121
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:27,159
Ah, yes, I've heard he's aboutas useless as a chocolate teapot.
122
00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:29,834
Although I probably shouldn't say that,
sounds a bit racist, doesn't it?
123
00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:30,909
Where are you, Terri?
124
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,560
I'm just on the way down to Hastings
to see my sister.
125
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,517
Poor thing, having some troubleshifting a piano.
126
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,431
So what I'm doing
is I'm working from home today.
127
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,397
No, you're not working
and you're not at home,
128
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:42,199
so as my 16-year-old would say,
you are totally busted.
129
00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:43,190
(EXHALES)
130
00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:45,590
We're really thrilled
to have you on board.
131
00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:49,434
Although, of course, terribly sad
about your news at the same time.
132
00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:50,714
- Yeah, right, um...
- Yeah.
133
00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:51,915
You are?
134
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,798
John Duggan, press officer.
It is an honour.
135
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:56,279
Well, maybe that's pushing it a bit far.
136
00:04:56,360 --> 00:05:00,353
But, I mean, it's always very nice
to meet a civvie, a normal, as it were.
137
00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:02,908
So have you, um,
seen the charms of Eastbourne,
138
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,035
whatever they may be?
139
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:06,953
Not really.
I've been working on me speech.
140
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:09,279
You've got a speech?
141
00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:11,635
Right, well, what, no problem.
We'll just have to get it cleared.
142
00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:14,109
Uh, do you have a copy of it on you?
143
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:18,716
Sorry about your loss, of your husband,
in the collapse of that... of that cafe.
144
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:19,915
(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
145
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:20,989
Right.
146
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,594
Okay, right, what have we got
on the workplace gym reward scheme?
147
00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:26,956
Uh, fighting obesity is one of
the biggest challenges we face,
148
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:30,510
sleepwalking into a crisis,
ticking time bomb...
149
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:34,479
You write almost entirely in generic,
meaningless buzz words, don't you?
150
00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:36,790
I could take it more street,
if you prefer.
151
00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,758
"You is all proper bloaters
and it is well gay, beeyatch."
152
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:40,909
But, you know, this is...
153
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:44,390
I just don't want to come across
all nanny-state and sort of...
154
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,436
"Death By Chocolate is not
a funny name for a pudding.
155
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,397
"It's a real and genuine concern."
You know?
156
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,471
I don't want to give the press
another opportunity to see me
157
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:54,439
as Mrs Sour Power Vinegar Tits
sucking on a lemon.
158
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,909
Fine, I understand.
So we'll sugar-coat it.
159
00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:59,070
Well, leaven it, ideally,
with a couple of jokes.
160
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,390
Yeah, all right, no problemo.
161
00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:03,717
- Now... Now? Jokes now?
- Yeah.
162
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:09,636
Okay, how about, "We want people
to be fit, not fit to burst"?
163
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,755
Gonna have to go down
the slapstick route, aren't I?
164
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:15,400
Do the speech straight,
but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
165
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,994
I mean, these are the worst
pictures I've seen, really, they are.
166
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:19,069
I don't know who was taking them.
167
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:21,628
Roy fucking Orbison
you've got doing that.
168
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:22,994
- Oh, Malcolm?
- Yeah.
169
00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:24,672
Have you seen Rob Holt's blog today?
170
00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,591
Oh, yeah, of course.
Yeah, I read Rob Holt's blog.
171
00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:27,749
I read all the blogs.
172
00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:30,912
'Cause basically
I'm an underemployed, fat fucking loser.
173
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:32,956
Got nothing better to do with my time
than sit in my bedroom
174
00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:36,157
like a fat space-hopper in a tracksuit,
175
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:40,028
reading inconsequential,
unspellchecked shit
176
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:44,349
fabricated by other
fat, farting, fucking losers.
177
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:48,679
Well, he's saying that the big
health numbers in the PM's speech,
178
00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:50,159
they're from a false sample.
179
00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:54,153
Apparently, they're lifted from
Andrew Dover's blog, not from the ONS.
180
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:57,038
I wouldn't take any notice of it.
There's nothing in that at all.
181
00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:58,553
Nothing in it?
182
00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:01,393
Nothing at all.
I'll catch yous later, okay?
183
00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:04,074
Sam, the health stats fuck-up
is out there.
184
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:07,470
And I don't know who's doing it,
but I want his balls on a fucking plate.
185
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,471
Well, I don't know. Google "goolies".
186
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,437
Nicola, this is Julie.
187
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:14,872
Thank you so much for joining us.
What you're doing is really important.
188
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,633
Well, hi, I'm your regional
photo opportunity for the day.
189
00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:20,029
(LAUGHING) That's... That's not...
190
00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:22,270
That's not the way it is.
I hope you appreciate that.
191
00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:23,554
- I was just kidding.
- That's a good joke.
192
00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:25,312
Oh, good, and that's what we need
in this room right now.
193
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:26,435
Good joke, yeah.
194
00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:28,954
Um, Julie's written a speech.
195
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:31,871
- Oh, right, for today?
- Yeah.
196
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:32,949
What's that about, then?
197
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:36,715
Well, basically, I start by kind of
doing a tribute to me husband, Jason.
198
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:39,519
- Uh-huh.
- And then we'll move on to the campaign.
199
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:43,036
Um, we'll get to the middle section
and I just really want to tell everyone
200
00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:45,429
how we're trying to take
that bastard to court, you know.
201
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:46,509
- Yeah.
- You'll get that opportunity.
202
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,558
Me and six women,
whose husbands have died,
203
00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:52,154
we're trying our best to do him.
But you know what that bastard did?
204
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:53,229
Tell me.
205
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:56,073
He sent everyone off the site
and he changed the equipment, you know.
206
00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:58,993
He changed it to the actual, proper
legal equipment.
207
00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:00,752
- So obviously, we've got no proof.
- What, overnight?
208
00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:02,068
- Yeah, overnight.
- My God.
209
00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:03,991
- He's clever.
- What a bastard. What a bastard.
210
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:06,799
And oh, God, I am sweating
like a fat lass.
211
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:09,792
Are you... Maybe this isn't a great room
for you to be in.
212
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,110
We've got to write some stupid jokes
about a rich bloke on a yacht.
213
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,189
I mean, that's so trivial...
214
00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:15,157
- I've got more to tell you.
- Yeah, I want to hear it.
215
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,117
- There's not... Just a of couple pages.
- I want to hear it.
216
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,350
Yeah, we'll knock off this stuff
and then I'm with you.
217
00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:20,429
Nice to meet you.
218
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:23,353
Olly's a lovely guy.
He'll look after you.
219
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:24,999
Yeah, look, I'm sorry, chief,
220
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:28,311
but there's no way that I can spin
these health stats. They're fucked.
221
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:31,472
We'll have to put something else
in the speech.
222
00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:32,874
Yeah, no, I don't know.
223
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:35,997
Um, well, what about the missus?
Can we wheel her out again?
224
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,640
Well, she basically has that thing
of appearing to be a normal human being.
225
00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:39,709
That seems to play well.
226
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,153
Oh, hey, Malc, how's it hanging?
227
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,310
- Like the Gardens of Babylon.
- Good.
228
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:44,879
Do you know
where Lord Clarkham's room is?
229
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,793
I'm gonna go and try and stick his balls
in his fucking trouser press.
230
00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:49,871
- Right.
- I see you've pulled.
231
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,269
Uh, look, um, this is Julie Price.
232
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:56,831
She is, uh, the people's champion
that Nicola is announcing in her speech.
233
00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,512
Julie Price...
234
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,393
I'm so sorry for your loss.
235
00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:02,959
Hey, you're being looked after
well enough, yeah?
236
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:04,075
Yeah, not bad.
237
00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:05,275
(CHUCKLING)
238
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,396
You stick with Olly. He's...
You know, he's a good guy.
239
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,358
I know he looks a bit like
an anorexic Leo Sayer there, but...
240
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,158
Listen, could I have a photograph
taken with you?
241
00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:13,229
- Who, me?
- Yeah.
242
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:17,359
I've got a little collection of
memories, you know. Mandela and stuff.
243
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:21,558
Olly, would you be so kind
as to do the honour, good sir?
244
00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:23,832
Do you mind if I... You all right?
245
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,831
- Just... Fucking hurry up.
- All right.
246
00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:28,115
- You're a stunner, ye.
- Thank you. No, you're a stunner.
247
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,553
You really are. Very impressive.
248
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:31,073
I'm not the only one
who finds you impressive.
249
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,754
The PM, he finds you very impressive.
250
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,114
- That's good.
- Well, great.
251
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,794
I think that there is a point
in his speech today...
252
00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:38,869
Mmm?
253
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,552
...where he would be very honoured
to introduce you.
254
00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:41,629
OLLY: Um...
255
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:42,789
Is that something
that would interest you?
256
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:44,518
- Yeah.
- Yes, it might clash, though,
257
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:46,272
with, uh, with Nicola's championing
of Julie's cause.
258
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,635
Oh, God, look,
the nerves are getting to us.
259
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,278
I need to use your bog.
260
00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:52,635
Well, that's the ladies there.
261
00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,678
Malcolm, you can't... You can't do that.
262
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,951
She's our bonus track.
She's our DVD Easter egg.
263
00:09:58,040 --> 00:09:59,075
We need her for the speech.
264
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:00,673
Boo-fucking-hoo.
Can do and have done.
265
00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:04,514
Yes, but that... What, in two hours,
two hours, think of a whole new speech?
266
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:06,716
Oh, welcome to the men's room!
267
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,791
Jesus Christ, listen.
It's this simple, right?
268
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,359
If she goes on with Nicola,
269
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,750
she'll be watched
by 15 housebound mouth-breathers.
270
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,274
Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks
of the unemployed
271
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:17,509
who fucking hate us, by the way.
272
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:21,229
But if she goes on with Tom,
she'll make the 10:00 news, right?
273
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:23,479
Julie, hi. Feel better?
274
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:24,788
- Yeah, good.
- Yes.
275
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,110
Now, what's it gonna be, Julie darling?
276
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,670
Do you want to go with the teasmaid
or with the caravan?
277
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:34,232
I'm going with the caravan.
That is the Prime Minister?
278
00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:35,833
That is the Prime Minister, yes.
279
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:38,753
- Sorry, Olly. It's nice to meet you.
- Julie, this way, come on.
280
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:42,150
MALCOLM: Are you actually in the hotel,
or are you staying...
281
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:45,153
"So, joking aside..." Of course,
we haven't fucking got those yet.
282
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:46,878
- I know.
- Whatever they are, right...
283
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,313
- Right, right.
- "It's now my great pleasure..."
284
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,118
- We're just doing the...
- No, no, no, listen.
285
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:51,838
- Um, listen!
- What?
286
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,478
You know when something,
well, something bad,
287
00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:55,710
but you know when something bad happens
and you think it's not as bad as...
288
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:57,153
- What's happened?
- GLENN: Where's Julie?
289
00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:01,074
Malcolm's commandeered Julie
for the PM's speech.
290
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,037
We bumped into each other and he...
291
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:04,599
What do you mean,
he's commandeered her?
292
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:06,272
You're supposed to be looking after her,
for fuck's sake.
293
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,510
No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No.
294
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,352
We can't even fucking
trust you to babysit!
295
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,431
- Malcolm took her...
- Just say no!
296
00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:15,478
- You don't just say no...
- What part of "no" don't you understand?
297
00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:17,118
Babysitting isn't a fucking...
298
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,919
Fucking fuck Malcolm! Fuck Malcolm!
299
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,639
Fuck Malcolm! Fuck Malcolm!
Fuck Malcolm!
300
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,871
Well, um, that was my, uh,
initial reaction, as well.
301
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,439
GLENN: Deep breath, Nicola.
302
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,080
Yes, I know. Thank you.
Thank you. Fuck off! Thank you.
303
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:31,559
Right, yes. What do you want us to do?
304
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,835
(PANTING)
305
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:35,673
(GROANING)
306
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,832
- Do you want your Rescue Remedy?
- No, fuck off!
307
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:42,472
Get me some ketamine.
I want to separate my mind from my body.
308
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:44,949
Jesus Christ, poor Nicola.
309
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:47,110
I'm going to go and talk to the bastard.
310
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,077
- Yes.
- Take some reasonable...
311
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:53,312
Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off!
Go on, Braveheart! Freedom!
312
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:56,796
- Oh, are you a texter?
- Yeah, I'll be with you in a minute.
313
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:59,348
Listen, just casually mention
it to Alan Dunn and, uh,
314
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:00,998
Lindsay Anorexi at The Mail,
315
00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:03,640
that the PM has brought Julie Price
to the conference.
316
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,312
That's not strictly true, though, is it?
317
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:08,039
Yeah, well Strictly Come Dancing
isn't strictly dancing, is it?
318
00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:11,237
They also have a bit at the beginning
where an old man dribbles. So what?
319
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:14,153
Well, I didn't really follow that.
Um, my point is...
320
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:18,074
Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look,
I can see that you're a tad peeved.
321
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:19,957
I'm not having it. You've gone too far.
322
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:23,032
Hey, get a grip, Glenn.
I didn't fucking come in your mouth.
323
00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:24,269
(JOHN LAUGHING)
324
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:25,349
Are you in on this?
325
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:28,193
Oh, God, no, no, I'm just obeying
orders, you know, like a Nazi guard.
326
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,999
Only in a non-gassy way.
You're not Jewish, are you?
327
00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:32,069
- No.
- Oh, good.
328
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:33,798
- Can you just take her?
- Oh, yeah, uh...
329
00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:36,440
Why don't you go in here? There's some
important people and biscuits in there.
330
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:39,080
Have a coffee.
Didn't mean to bring back bad memories.
331
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:41,833
- What are you on about?
- Your husband dying in a cafe.
332
00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,912
You can't just take her!
That's people-trafficking!
333
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:48,197
Am I being threatened
by Harold fucking Bishop?
334
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:50,157
- No, Malcolm...
- Okay, guys, can we just...
335
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:53,357
Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige
fucking Power Ranger now.
336
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,510
Yeah, and we're taking her back!
337
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:59,593
Do not make this a disciplinary issue.
You hear me, soldier?
338
00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:02,956
- I found her. I fucking found her!
- She was on the fucking news!
339
00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:05,235
- Get this guy out of here!
- Can we get a bit more sane about this?
340
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:07,231
It is not a fucking discussion.
341
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:08,355
Right, nobody argue.
342
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,954
I am going to go in there
and I am going to take her!
343
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,873
- You will fucking not!
- Fuck off! Fuck...
344
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,712
jesus Christ!
345
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:17,233
- Oh, my God.
- You've hurt yourself.
346
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:19,754
- I've got so much on, as it is.
- You hit me!
347
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,319
I did not hit you!
348
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,789
I went to hit the fucking wall
and pulled my fist back
349
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:25,836
and hit you in the fucking face instead.
350
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:27,512
I think you've broken my nose.
351
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,318
No, no, that's just a scratch, mate.
352
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,118
Noses can't break, anyway.
That's a myth.
353
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,839
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- Look, look, just lean forward.
354
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:35,353
You know, you want the blood
to flow out of your nose,
355
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,431
not down your throat
like a fucking gurgling drain.
356
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,670
- Don't touch me!
- Look at him.
357
00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:43,150
- Have you got a hanky?
- You go look after Julie, right?
358
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:46,232
- John, let's get Glenn back to his room.
- Okay, yeah.
359
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:47,309
Nobody saw that, did they?
360
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,709
No, it's like when a fight starts,
you're just like, "Fight, fight, fight!"
361
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:51,836
- All right? All right?
- Lf we can just get...
362
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:53,239
- Is he okay?
- He's all right.
363
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:56,392
- He's fine.
- He's just got a nosebleed.
364
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:57,515
- Say, you...
- Yeah.
365
00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,511
- Lf you breathe a word of this, right?
- Mmm-hmm.
366
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:01,750
Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe,
you fucking jazzy bastard!
367
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:02,829
I am listening.
368
00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:06,959
Help me here! Let's get fucking
Noses Supposes back to his fucking...
369
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:08,234
- Where is he?
- I don't know.
370
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,151
Jesus Christ! Come on!
371
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:13,358
- Yeah, it's all right, don't worry.
- It's all... No, no, no.
372
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:15,431
Oh, my God! Glenn, what happened?
373
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:18,318
Well, I don't think Malcolm
saw my point of view.
374
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,595
- Fair point.
- I got punched.
375
00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,432
- Oh, that is a lot of blood.
- OLLY: It is.
376
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:23,919
Is that normal?
377
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,594
We need a cold press or...
Have you got... Is there ice?
378
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:28,511
- What about the minibar?
- Is there any... Yeah.
379
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:32,309
- Oh, God that's just...
- Oh, my God, everything's tiny!
380
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:35,437
- Are you having a turn, Glenn?
- No, I mean the can is tiny.
381
00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:37,272
- Oh, okay, right, sorry.
- The kettle is tiny.
382
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:38,395
Yeah, come and sit down.
Come and sit down.
383
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:39,674
Oh, that's better.
384
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:41,990
Um, oh, you look like
a squeezed doughnut.
385
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,150
Right, we need a flannel
and some hot water.
386
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,515
- So I'll boil the kettle.
- Look, I'm not having a baby.
387
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,636
No, no, and anyway,
it's a bloody nano-kettle.
388
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:49,869
Yes, there is a hot tap, Nicola.
389
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:51,837
There's a hot tap!
Jesus, what am I like?
390
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:54,195
I mean, I could make you a cup
of tiny tea.
391
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,555
- Um, so, there's the...
- Right.
392
00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:59,678
What, you want me to...
Okay, I'll have a go.
393
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:01,557
Um, put your head back...
394
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:02,834
No, I think Malcolm said forward.
395
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:04,239
- Forward. Is it forward?
- Forwards. Yeah, forwards.
396
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,639
I don't know.
I mean, I've always had childcare.
397
00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:06,914
So, um, can you...
398
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:10,436
Try and keep the bloody handkerchief
away from my dress, if you don't mind.
399
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:12,715
Oh, dear, it looks very sore.
400
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:14,836
I'm assuming we lost
our people's champion, yeah?
401
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:17,878
Well, it felt like a no to me.
Did it feel like a no to you, Glenn?
402
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,552
Um, I think a no.
403
00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:21,676
I'm so fucked.
I mean, I've got an hour and a half.
404
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:24,957
With all due respect, Nicola,
there's a human aspect to all this.
405
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:27,235
I know, I know, and you were very brave.
406
00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:29,834
Just look. Realistically,
there is so little I can do about it.
407
00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:31,990
And I've just got to write
a fucking speech.
408
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,071
- So, Olly, could you get on with that?
- Yes, yes.
409
00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:36,628
Glenn, why don't you come to my room
and lie down?
410
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,517
Put a towel down on the bed, just for...
411
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:40,556
- Jesus, Malcolm!
- What? Oh, God!
412
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:41,868
How's the patient?
413
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:43,757
I don't want to speak
to you right now, Malcolm.
414
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,478
I think you should leave.
415
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,198
- Oh, do you?
- Yes.
416
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:50,949
- What, are you gonna hit me?
- I don't fucking hit women.
417
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:52,268
Except Glenn, obviously.
418
00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:53,839
Just you fucking
leave Glenn out of this.
419
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,559
Glenn's been through enough as it is.
420
00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:00,193
Listen, mate, I'm really...
I'm really sorry, right?
421
00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:03,431
I'm really sorry about what happened
in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah?
422
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,954
I'm under a lot of pressure right now,
I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks.
423
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:09,669
I had my finger in the dyke,
but the dyke's very, very squirty.
424
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,955
Is it Fat Pat? I heard that she's, uh...
425
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,268
Shut up.
426
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:16,233
We're old soldiers, right?
This is life in wartime, okay?
427
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:20,359
I mean, every now and then you're going
to get an incident of friendly fire.
428
00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:22,271
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
429
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:24,237
Good man. Yes, good...
430
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,470
Sorry.
431
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:33,120
Now that you've lost Geordie Julie,
the merry fucking widow,
432
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:34,235
you've got a hole in your speech.
433
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:35,833
Right, so have we got
a contingency for that?
434
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:38,559
- Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
- Well, look, why don't I help you?
435
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:41,837
Let's roll some tits up the flagpole
and see if anyone gets wood.
436
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:42,909
NICOLA: Oh, Christ.
437
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,958
It's like being trapped
in a fucking boys' toilet.
438
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:49,477
Right, all we've got
is Mannion's second holiday.
439
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:51,198
We need to take the piss out of that.
440
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:55,717
Okay, how about, uh, he's called
Peter "Two Holidays" Mannion?
441
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,279
MALCOLM: Glenn, um...
442
00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:02,753
He, um, works really hard
at planning his holidays.
443
00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:06,272
That's really fucking quality
fucking explosive sarcasm
444
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:08,237
you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom.
445
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:11,630
I feel I'm in a therapy group
being run by my own rapist.
446
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,312
- Right, well, okay, how about...
- (MOBILE RINGING)
447
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,550
Oh, my God. It's got out.
448
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:18,154
No, really? I thought
it was room service cold-calling.
449
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,913
Who the fuck is leaking this out there?
450
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:23,795
Find out who's pissing this
over the wall.
451
00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:25,757
Yeah, well, the thing about
the internet, Malcolm,
452
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,798
- is it's quite big, so...
- It's on Rob Holt's blog!
453
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:30,518
I don't know what he looks like.
I don't...
454
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:33,592
You need to get your people's champion
out of this hotel
455
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:36,990
before some tabloid minge-flannel
starts soft-soaping her.
456
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:38,877
So we've got her back again now.
Is that right?
457
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,838
Don't be so fucking touchy about this!
I've a lot to fucking deal with here.
458
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:44,753
My responsibility again now.
Doesn't matter about the speech.
459
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:45,829
That's fine, Malcolm.
460
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,150
Yeah, it does fucking matter!
461
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:51,989
Women, huh? Women! Slam the door.
Where did this idea come from, huh?
462
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,548
Wilma! Fuck off.
463
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,632
- NICOLA: I'm making a phone call.
- Make a phone call.
464
00:17:58,040 --> 00:17:59,268
Phone a fucking friend.
465
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:00,669
Hello?
466
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,558
Terri, it's Nicola again.
We're at DEFCON 1.
467
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:06,359
Or 5, or whichever
the really bad one is.
468
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:09,159
You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers.
469
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:12,836
Terri, can you harness that anger
and bring it down to Eastbourne, please?
470
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:15,480
I desperately need you
to come down and help me.
471
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:17,596
The problem is
this party political problem,
472
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,079
because I'm a civil servant
473
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:23,711
and I cannot possibly be seen to have
anything to do with a party conference.
474
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:27,475
Terri, please, I'm standing
in a factory that makes fans, right?
475
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:31,109
And a man has walked in
with a giant shit-spraying machine,
476
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:34,272
and you happen to be bunking off work
and not very far away,
477
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:36,078
so I need you here.
478
00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:38,318
Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back,
479
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,277
and I could come incognito
with the hood up,
480
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:42,669
if that's going to help you out.
481
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,115
This is what my life's come to,
482
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,589
exchanging hostages round the back
of a hotel.
483
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:49,398
- Yeah, very nice to meet you, Julie.
- And you.
484
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:51,596
- Thank you so much for coming with me.
- That's all right.
485
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:54,752
The cruddiest spy film ever.
The Eastbourne Ultimatum.
486
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:55,829
(OLLY CHUCKLING)
487
00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:57,956
We thought we might just get you
out of the hot seat, you know.
488
00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:00,031
- I'm allergic to dogs.
- NICOLA: Look at us! Look...
489
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:02,759
- OLLY: Come on!
- She's got a dog with her.
490
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:04,990
- Yeah, that's Max.
- She's got a fucking dog with her.
491
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:08,197
Yeah, he's diabetic. Four shots a day.
Can't leave him anywhere.
492
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:09,713
Why is she... Just get in!
493
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,119
JULIE: As long as we're not
in the car very long.
494
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,998
Now the dog's going in.
Is she going to put Julie in the boot?
495
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:15,593
I'm going to ring her.
496
00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:17,716
Excuse me. You're phone's ringing.
497
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:18,789
Yes?
498
00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:21,110
Get a fucking move on.
499
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,235
Where are you?
500
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:23,355
Never mind where I am.
501
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:26,352
I can see you, and you're not in the car
and you're not driving away
502
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,590
and you should be, so fuck off!
503
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:30,477
- Glenn, come on, you have a bit more.
- All right, Malcolm.
504
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,120
Go on. Just watch your step.
I don't want you tripping up again, eh?
505
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:34,189
Absolutely.
506
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:35,508
(LAUGHING)
507
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,352
D-Day. What is it, Malcolm?
508
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,556
I thought you were one of the boxers,
not the emcee.
509
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:40,789
No, no, no, it's just, you know,
510
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,110
I've got to show my face
at a few receptions this evening.
511
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:44,952
Including the Rod Hughes do for Tom.
512
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:47,110
Believe me, I'd rather slip into
something a bit more comfortable,
513
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:48,189
like a fucking coma.
514
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:49,315
(LAUGHING)
515
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:52,073
Malcolm, you've started beating up
your own guys.
516
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:53,275
That has to be a bad sign.
517
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,716
I didn't fight fucking Glenn.
Oh, why would I do that?
518
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:58,552
Anyway, you've got absolutely
no proof that I did.
519
00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:00,312
Yeah, whatever you say, Malcolm.
520
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,675
Look at this!
He doesn't flinch, does he?
521
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:04,159
(LAUGHING)
522
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:05,559
We have a laugh, that's all.
523
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,631
- No, we're mates.
- We're pals, look.
524
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:09,597
And look at the size of him.
I wouldn't fucking hit him.
525
00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:11,193
I mean, look,
he's a fucking man-mountain.
526
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:14,477
- Hey, you saying I'm fat?
- That's the banter.
527
00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:16,118
"Government department...
528
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:17,553
"The government..."
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck!
529
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:19,949
How can I learn this when
you're still writing it? I feel sick.
530
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:21,678
No, it's exciting. It's good.
It's really good.
531
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:24,149
In fact, I would say the fact that
you're hearing it for the first time
532
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,708
when you say it will possibly give it
a freshness and a zing, you know...
533
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:27,835
- You think?
- Yes.
534
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,070
This is politics as it is, isn't it?
It's The West Wing.
535
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:31,718
You're not Josh, Olly.
Just write the fucking speech.
536
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:32,789
It doesn't matter.
537
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:33,995
Come on, Nicola. Pull yourself together.
538
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:35,069
I fucking am Josh.
539
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:36,593
Nicola Murray can do this. Come on.
540
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,079
Wow, did you just refer to yourself
541
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:40,151
in the second and third person?
'Cause they're both...
542
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,037
- Write the fucking speech.
- Right, okay, yes.
543
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:45,556
I'm just slightly distracted by all
the Nicola Murrays in the room.
544
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:46,675
Hello, Malcolm.
545
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:48,716
- Shite to see you, to see you...
- Shite!
546
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:49,994
Come with me.
547
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:53,117
Oh, is this going to take long, Malcolm?
'Cause I'm really up against it.
548
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:56,033
Um, you're looking very dapper,
by the way, very nice,
549
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:57,394
like as if there'd been
a Scottish James Bond.
550
00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:58,509
Shut the fuck up.
551
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,795
Okay, why are we coming in here?
552
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:02,393
I know you leaked the punch story.
553
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:03,799
Fistygate?
554
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:06,158
Don't call it that.
Where did you hear that?
555
00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:07,309
Well, somebody said
it was called Fistygate.
556
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,675
I said, "I didn't realise
it was called that."
557
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:12,228
Fuck. Fuck me!
558
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:15,278
I didn't leak anything, Malc,
I swear to God.
559
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:16,668
You're not going to tweezer me, are you?
560
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:19,957
No, no, no.
I'm just going to fucking kill you.
561
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:21,075
Why?
562
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:24,755
Because you told
some spotty-faced blogger
563
00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:25,909
that I hit Glenn.
564
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:27,911
- But I didn't.
- But you would say that.
565
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,479
It can't have been me.
I'd know if it was me.
566
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:31,755
(MOCKING) "It can't have been me.
I'd know if it was me."
567
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:34,149
Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.
568
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:37,312
I'm scaring you?
I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you.
569
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:39,595
I mustn't scare you, must I?
570
00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:40,869
I won't scare you, okay?
571
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:42,393
I'll just explain
what I'm going to fucking do to you.
572
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:44,152
I'm going to take your bollocks,
I'm going to fucking rip them off,
573
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,629
I'm going to fucking
paint eyeballs on them
574
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,597
and I'm going to stitch them
onto a fucking sock
575
00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:50,671
and use that as a mouthpiece.
576
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:53,756
Hope this is real vinegar.
577
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:56,799
(SIGHING)
578
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:59,030
Sure you don't want a chip?
579
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:01,958
Don't you know any jokes?
580
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:05,350
I'll tell you what,
the chips down south are a joke.
581
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:08,194
I'll text me mate,
I'll see if she knows any.
582
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:10,271
You're texting her now, though,
your friend?
583
00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:11,998
No, I'm tweeting.
584
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:17,109
Tweeting? You mean, like Twitter?
585
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:21,153
Just, um...
586
00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:23,511
just want to get a pickled egg.
Hang on a sec.
587
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:26,068
- Hi, Terri.
- Hi, listen, it's Julie.
588
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:28,074
She tweets.
589
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:30,958
Hang on. Julie tweets?
What does that mean?
590
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:33,998
Twitter. Tweets on Twitter.
It's like a social networking site.
591
00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:35,638
You type in a text
but it goes to anybody,
592
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:36,948
and anyone in the world can access it.
593
00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:39,190
And she's... She's tweeting now, is she?
594
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:40,269
TERRl: She tweeted...
595
00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:41,793
Right, find out what she's saying.
596
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:42,869
(LAUGHING)
597
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,109
Hello.
598
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:45,952
She's singing like a canary.
599
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:47,792
She's twittering about Terri.
600
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,316
Listen, it's too hot for me here.
I've got to get out.
601
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,550
- NICOLA: All right.
- Look, I want out, Nicola.
602
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:56,837
Okay, Terri, calm down.
I'm going to ring Malcolm.
603
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,236
This is no good for fucking pacing.
604
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,709
Malcolm, Nicola. Julie tweets.
605
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:08,438
Tweets on Twitter. She's on Twitter.
606
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:09,635
She tweets on Twitter.
607
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:13,508
Christ on a cross-trainer, Nicola.
Julie is the fucking leak.
608
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:14,999
I told you.
609
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:19,035
Get her back here, right now,
so I can loofah her to death.
610
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:20,833
Oh, what a day.
611
00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:23,275
Is that her? Oh, no. Two blokes.
612
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,472
Are you sure you don't want one?
613
00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:27,391
You mightn't get another chance
to eat all day.
614
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:31,996
That is literally mashed-up Dalmatian
head and sawdust, you know that?
615
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:33,349
Is it?
616
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,758
On the other hand,
I am fucking starving.
617
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:39,994
Oh, here comes Checkpoint Charlie.
618
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:42,434
She's over there.
619
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,511
- I'm really sorry...
- Yes, well, the apology's noted.
620
00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:46,397
Noted? Not accepted?
621
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:48,636
No, not accepted, noted.
622
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:49,835
Oh, you look awful.
623
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:51,592
Thanks. Oh, do you want a chip?
624
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,477
I haven't got time for chips, Glenn.
625
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:55,790
Listen, this is open territory here.
I'm a sitting duck.
626
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:58,075
- All right, let's go, let's go.
- I've got to get out.
627
00:23:58,160 --> 00:23:59,513
- No one will recognise your cover.
- She's over there.
628
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,318
Okay, we'll look after her.
629
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:04,188
- Come in, ladies.
- Home again, home again. Jiggety-jig.
630
00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:05,474
(LAUGHING)
631
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:08,154
Right, I'm just going to use the loo.
632
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:09,469
Right, okay.
633
00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:10,549
- Julie?
- Yeah.
634
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:11,959
Would you like a cup of tea?
635
00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:14,270
Well, I might as well.
There's bott all else to do.
636
00:24:14,360 --> 00:24:15,509
Okey-doke.
637
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:17,556
Squeeze my cock and call me Nancy.
638
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:19,790
Were you born in a barn, Glenn?
639
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:24,271
Keep the door and your ass cheeks
fucking tightly closed, right?
640
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:26,396
Jesus Christ,
that's a tiny kettle, Glenn.
641
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:28,198
But then you know what they say.
Where's glummy mummy?
642
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:30,191
Uh, she's having a pee.
643
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:32,356
- Julie, how you doing? All right?
- Yeah, I'm great.
644
00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:34,510
- Busy, busy, busy.
- Lovely.
645
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:37,430
Oh, fucking hell, Malcolm!
646
00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:40,350
Julie, darling, could we just have
a wee word with you?
647
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:41,839
Why? What's going on?
648
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:45,554
Do you know a guy called Rob Holt?
649
00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:47,949
I've never heard of him.
Why? What's this about?
650
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:50,838
Well, it's just that he's
one of your followers on... Twitter?
651
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:51,955
Twitter.
652
00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:54,270
- And I think that some of your...
- Tweets.
653
00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:56,590
- The tweets that you've been doing...
- Yeah?
654
00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:59,319
They've actually been
reported out there.
655
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,038
Well, what are you accusing us of?
656
00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:02,553
No, no, we're not
accusing you of anything.
657
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:05,393
You look like you're accusing us
of something.
658
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:07,198
You fucking sound like
you're accusing us of something.
659
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:09,032
- No, no, no.
- I've seen Spooks.
660
00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:12,237
You have treated me
like a bag of shit all day!
661
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:16,359
I mean, I'm a very, very patient person,
but I have had yous lot up to here.
662
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:18,078
I should have known
not to trust yous lot,
663
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,799
when yous fucked over
them Metric Martyrs.
664
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:23,952
All I was trying to do
was right by my Jason, right?
665
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:26,873
And if he was here now,
he'd be fucking appalled
666
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,757
by the way yous lot are carrying on.
667
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:31,638
He always said you were
a useless bunch of wankers.
668
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:34,792
Oh, hello. Oh, you're back.
Excellent. Ha!
669
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:36,313
Every epic needs a hero.
670
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:39,198
Put tiny kettle on, lad.
I'm gasping.
671
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:42,915
Every... Everything okay? What's, uh...
What's going on?
672
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:47,198
Uh, Malcolm, um, if you could
just come to the toilet with me...
673
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:52,549
NICOLA: Get rid of her.
674
00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:56,189
MALCOLM: Okay, we go out there,
we say our goodbyes,
675
00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:58,669
and I'll get Glenn to go and do
the fucking desert burial, okay?
676
00:25:58,760 --> 00:25:59,749
NICOLA: Yeah.
677
00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:01,239
MALCOLM: You just try
and compose yourself.
678
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:02,355
NICOLA: Okay.
MALCOLM: Okay?
679
00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:03,919
NICOLA: Yeah.
680
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:07,308
Julie...
681
00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:09,630
Get rid of the Geordie Pauline Fowler.
682
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:12,678
Put her on the train back to Shit Town
or wherever the fuck she came from.
683
00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:17,197
Right, would you like to come with me?
Uh, there's been a change of plan.
684
00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:20,991
I'm taking them for the train.
685
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,355
No wonder the country's gone
to the fucking dogs.
686
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:26,273
You, you two,
you'll not be there for long.
687
00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:30,872
Okay, do we have anything
that we can use against her?
688
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:33,758
There's, um, the Metric Martyr stuff.
689
00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:34,829
Yeah, that is right-wing.
690
00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:36,990
That's really...
That's an insanity signifier.
691
00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:38,752
- Fruit by the pound?
- Well...
692
00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:41,912
That's what I've got to work with?
Fuck's sake.
693
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:44,594
Fruit by the pound.
Watch and fucking learn, okay?
694
00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:48,036
We say that we're dropping her
because of extremist views, right?
695
00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:50,714
We just don't mention that
those extreme views are about
696
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:52,870
how she feels about
the fucking finer points
697
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,315
of fruit and fucking veg merchandise.
698
00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:57,078
You shouldn't work for that lot,
you know.
699
00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:58,354
- I know.
- They're all knobs.
700
00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:00,749
I know, I know.
I don't really, you know...
701
00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:02,910
Did you...
Did you enjoy anything about today?
702
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:04,035
No.
703
00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:06,714
NICOLA: You've definitely taken out all
the references to the people's champion?
704
00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:09,872
Yep, yep, yep, and I've added
a whole page on Mannion's holiday,
705
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:11,552
plus jokes.
706
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:14,314
- Funny jokes! Funny jokes!
- Funny jokes.
707
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:16,960
I'm a funny man.
I have my texts read out on 5 Live.
708
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:18,473
- NICOLA: Very good.
- Is it done?
709
00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:20,278
- Glenn, what have you touched?
- I haven't touched anything.
710
00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:22,157
I didn't do anything.
711
00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:24,510
Guys, the Wi-Fi's out.
What page were we up to?
712
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:25,669
- Eight.
- Excellent.
713
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:28,115
You're watching Nicola's speech
with me and Angela Heaney.
714
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,668
You're my brother from another mother
and that's the kind of thing we do.
715
00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:31,954
Oh, sounds like a lot of fun.
716
00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:33,678
Yeah, it will be fun.
I bought us some punch.
717
00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:34,795
You'd better get a move on. You're late.
718
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:36,393
I know, I know, I know.
719
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:39,030
- Right, grab the speech.
- Oh, there you go. Good luck.
720
00:27:39,120 --> 00:27:41,634
- Thank you.
- GLENN: Fingers crossed. Have fun!
721
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:43,199
They grow up so fast, eh?
722
00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:45,077
Right, go, go, go, go, go!
723
00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:46,275
Oh, my God, look.
724
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:47,793
How did the Vodcast
with Helen Mirren go?
725
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:49,632
- Yo, twat features!
- Hang on.
726
00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:51,278
I mean that literally.
727
00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:53,032
This Julie Price woman,
728
00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:55,475
turns out she's a little bit
fucking unstable, you know.
729
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:57,790
Extremist views.
So we're going to have to let her go.
730
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:00,189
Uh, of course, it's just that, um...
731
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:02,191
Andrew Dover, the blogger?
732
00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:04,510
So he's just going to go and spread that
all over the internet, yeah?
733
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:05,715
Well, probably.
734
00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:07,119
Job done!
735
00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,112
I'm away for a game of crazy golf.
Love those fucking windmills.
736
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:11,952
Hit the full stops.
Don't run through anything.
737
00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:13,519
I don't know what that means,
hit the full stops.
738
00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:15,272
Just stop... Hit...
Stop at the full stops.
739
00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:16,429
It'll sound good in the hall.
740
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:18,272
- I won't gabble. You're putting me off.
- It's not too long.
741
00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:22,717
NICOLA: Local people finding theirown solutions, having a real say...
742
00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:24,438
She looks lovely.
743
00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:27,034
... over the futureof the places where they live.
744
00:28:27,120 --> 00:28:28,872
- (APPLAUSE)
- GLENN: Well done. Well done, indeed.
745
00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:30,188
Some lovely stuff in there, I thought.
746
00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:31,315
GLENN: Yeah.
747
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:33,470
I thought it was pretty good,
actually, yeah.
748
00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:36,074
Praise indeed
from the Scottish Simon Cowell.
749
00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:37,673
- Nicola...
- Thank you.
750
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:39,990
- What happened to the jokes?
- I didn't say the jokes?
751
00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:42,036
I think Glenn may have given me
the wrong number on the printer.
752
00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:44,475
We missed a whole page of Mannion jokes.
753
00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:45,834
Not... Not my fault.
754
00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:47,990
I said, "Where are we up to?"
You said eight. I printed from nine.
755
00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:50,150
You said, "Where are we up to?"
So I said eight.
756
00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:51,559
Yes, but we were up to seven,
weren't we?
757
00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:54,154
Well, you should have gone from eight.
You went from nine?
758
00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:55,912
That would have been quite good
'cause that would've just added
759
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:59,675
a wee bit of Bob Hope, you know,
to all the doom and the gloom.
760
00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:01,149
Maybe next time, huh?
761
00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:02,639
OLLY: You said we were up to
page eight but we were...
762
00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:05,154
GLENN: No, I didn't.
I said "from eight".
763
00:29:05,204 --> 00:29:09,754
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
63461
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.