All language subtitles for The Twilight Zone 1985 S03E29 Crazy as a Soup Sandwich

Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org

Shared by http://DJJ.HOME.SAPO.PT/

(eerie music playing)

(theme from
( the twilight zoneplaying)

(heartbeat)

(frantic panting)

(frantic panting)

as certain as death and taxes,
we are told

the meek will definitely
inherit the earth.

perhaps, but not always.

consider, if you will,
mr. arky lochner

a well-known petty crook,
sidebar six-for-fiver shylock

registered coward and owner
of a yellow streak so vivid

it could be slathered
on a hot dog.

mr. lochner was
written out of the will

when the meek were
guaranteed their inheritance.

just now he's trying to avoid
another kind of payoff--

a soulful payoff--

in that offtrack
betting parlor we call

the twilight zone.

(evil laughter)

(laughing)

(deep-voiced):
cease your flight,

you four-flushing
pismire.

(evil laughter)

this is the second most
ill-advised action

you have ever taken,
arky lochner,

you miserable gobbet
of human meat.

the first was trying
to make a bargain

that would outwit me.

i'm 32,000 years old,
you human virus.

among my peers in
the 4th canonic order of demons,

i'm considered a truly ghastly

dinner companion.

did i mention i enjoy
sucking the marrow

from living bones
of idiots like you?

you thought you could outwit
the magnificence of volkerps?

i still got two days.

the contract ain't up
for two days.

why are you tormenting me?

because i'm a demon,
you imbecile.

i don't send singing telegrams.

i torment.

that's why i'm called a demon
instead of the easter bunny.

two days...

you made the deal.

you don't bug me for two days.

bug you?

(evil laughter)

two days from now i'll remember
you mentioned bugs.

perhaps i'll turn you into one.

a small, black,
crawling bug,

not unlike the kind
i spear with a claw

crack like a nutshell

and feed to my
serpent mate, diptha.

shelovesto be bugged.

(evil laughter)

you got to help me!

he'll turn me

into a bug
and eat me.

no, no.

his wife is a snake lady
and she'll eat me.

help me or it's
all over for me.

should i twist off
his head, mr. lancaster?

i perceive that
you are seriously deranged

to burst in
unannounced, arky,

with my boys
looking for you.

unless you have secreted

somewhere
on your scrofulous body

the $165,000

including today's
interest at 750%

that you have owed me
for three months

three weeks and...

four days.

you got to protect me,
mr. lancaster.

i could do that, sir.

i could twist off
his head for you,

mr. lancaster.

sit, bork.

nino, before we have
gus and bork reduce him

to his component parts,

would you
be interested

in hearing his tale of woe?

calmly, now, arky,

tell us what seems
to have unhinged you.

the 165 g's
i got loaned from you

i needed it because
i had to make this deal

with this demon,
this thing with big teeth.

he calls himself volkerps.

(laughing)

a supernatural being?

yeah, you got it.

a creature of stygian darkness,
a denizen of the nether reaches,

a monster from some nameless
plane of witchcraft and horror.

you got it.

bork...

twist his head off.

i ain't making it up,
mr. lancaster.

the thing's after me.

he's in the alley.

go on.

we made this deal,
me and volkerps.

he gives me the winners

at pimlico, aqueduct,
santa anita, hawthorne,

liberty bell and maywood
all in the same day.

in exchange for?

refusal option
on 51% of my soul.

things must be
really bad in hell.

your soul's
pretty grungy.

they said good help's
hard to get.

he mentioned doing
windows and floors.

then you could
pay me back,

including the interest rate.

you'd finally
extricate yourself

from the nasty, brutish life
that distinguishes you.

that's how i supposed
it would be.

yeah, sure,
and pigs will fly.

he gave me
all the winners, all right.

20, 30, 42 of them.

i bet them all,
and they won,

each and every one.

(crying)

except a few of them
had strokes and died

as they crossed
the finish line.

a bunch got
disqualified

because they was
full of dope.

eleven got scratched for
bumping in the stretch.

on and on like that.

sure, they all came in first,

and i lost every cent
you gave me, mr. lancaster.

that's why i been
ducking your collectors.

that's why mr. volkerps
is going to eat me

if you don't
protect me.

why should i bother

even allowing
that this fantasy

has a basis in fact?

$165,000 plus the interest
for four months.

ms. thorne,
my accountant,

makes a strong case
for your existence,

despite its
distinguished wretchedness.

you believe me?

i believe that i believe

you believe it.

as the most powerful
underworld figure

in this metropolis

i have made cohesive sense
of the rackets.

now i grow bored.

ennuifills my days
and nights...

save for the joys
of my association

with ms. thorne.

you've bought yourself

a reprieve through dint
of sheer imagination.

i won't have gus
and bork dissect you.

i will assist you.

already i feel heroic.

tell me,

how did you
locate a demon

in these
conservative climes?

this woman i heard about

has a strong in
with the netherworld.

she set it up.

she gets a commission.

we'll pay her a visit.

gus, the car,
if you please.

try to hurry, dear.

we have dinner
with the mayor tonight.

you are the impressive
cassandra fishbein

trafficker
in the black arts?

i'm a beautician.

beauty technician
and cosmetologist.

i got a license.

i'm nino lancaster,

a business associate
of mr. lochner.

he advises me
you served as a go-between--

amanuensis,amicus curiae--

for him and a personage
named volkerps.

i'm calling a cop.

probably not.

very likely my employee.

i ask your assistance
voluntarily

or perhaps my employee
could persuade you.

who the hell are you?

i'm a poor businesswoman
trying to make an honest buck

in a world of kids

hot for purple hair
and shaved heads.

ah, yes, business.

have you considered the range
of unexpected tragedies

that could befall
an unwary coiffeuse

whose insurance premiums

would not cover
the mysterious mixing

of ddt with her shampoos?

or the inconvenience
resulting from, perhaps,

the truckers who
shlep said wares

from the distributors

decide they've lost
the bills of lading

and said goods
wind up in beirut?

or the authorities

decide to toss
the businesswoman's apartment

for illegal
and noxious substances

which would result
in said authorities

discovering nickel bags
of such vegetation and powders

stuck down in the pillows

of a sofa.

pardon my complex syntax

but i imagine you get my drift.

yeah, i set it up,
but i'm just a clearinghouse

for a select few demons
and soul-traders

of very high quality.

they have to make
this quota of souls

to stay in good with the boss.

i'm a canvasser, a scout,
to steer likely prospects.

excellent.

you will set up
a meeting with mr. volkerps.

woman:
oh!

put me down.

cassandra:
when?

woman:
how dare you, you brute.

lancaster:
now.

you're out of your mind.

volkerps has
an ugly personality.

he'd think i turned him.

are you trying
to get me snuffed?

have you considered

how cold and uncomfortable
it is being hung upside down

on a meat hook
in a freezer?

(chanting)
by all the mages
of solomon's court

by the three-eyed moon
of ashtoreth

i call thee, volkerps,
to come forth.

volkerps:
cassandra, i smell betrayal.

no, honestly!

they made me call you.

get them.

do it, almighty volkerps.

waste them.

first things first, cassandra.

the little rat human,
he has two days.

but you...

(screaming)

(evil laughter)

next!

don't just stand there.

pile! pile!

what happened?

where's nino?

i don't know.

he's got to be dead.

volkerps came.

he came straight
from hell.

he stunk like
a rotten egg.

you left him?!

you ran?!

i ran like hell.

that thing
fricasseed the woman.

turned her into ashes
like a cigar.

oh, my god, nino.

nino!

all right.

that means we have
to consolidate our interests

get the accounts transferred
into the corporate name

begin amortizing
the rolling stock

and make sure the boys
don't take over the territory.

are you crazy?

that thing is going
to fry and eat us.

(banging)

who's there?

nino.

open up.

you alone?

nino:
i said open
the door, now.

nino, honey,
what happened?

can you walk?

obviously.

is your body burned?

how did you
get away, sir?

(all shouting questions)

it's going to be more
difficult than i thought.

if you can't take him,
what chance have i got?

i didn't say impossible.

i said it was more
difficult than i thought.

arky:
how did you get away?

i dazzled him
with fancy footwork.

okay, let's get to it.

gus, bork,

go see nuncio.

have him talk
to our people

at the ship-fitting
operation.

get me 100 gallons
of lead paint.

what color, boss?

it doesn't matter.

it comes in battleship gray,
which is your standard color.

maybe he can mix
some nice pastel...

quiet!

i don't care what color.

get anything,
but get me 100 gallons

with the highest lead content
they can find.

then spray the office.

ceiling, floor, walls, windows.

every inch of it.

every corner.

then do it all over again.

when you're done,
do it ten times more.

meanwhile you keep
an eye on arky.

i've got a long trip
ahead of me.

wait a minute.

you can't just go
and leave me here.

where's he going?

some things you
don't want to know.

(arky coughing)

this is going
to save me?

i'm not at the pinnacle
of my profession for nothing.

we have to wait
till midnight.

he'll come at midnight.

anybody wants to go,
do it now.

not you, arky.

here's looking
at you, kid.

(thunderclap)

you again?

i thought you'd had enough.

i'll give you one chance.

what?

cancel the contract with arky.

give him about
a million dollars

to make up
for his losses.

slime back to your pit

and i won't kick
the crap out of you.

why you!

hazel, the door.

arky, the patch.

(evil laughter)

(cries out)

(grunts, thuds)

i'm bleeding.

i'm actually losing pus,
ichor and lovely slime.

you lousy twerp.

enough is enough.

(growling)

(growling)

submit, submit, submit.

i order you by the power
of asmodeus, belphegor, belial,

and the toad of death
to suppress thyself.

nino:
submerge, submit, suppress.

get your miserable ugly backside

into the box,
you twerp.

you lousy punk.

wow.

i've had some small
experience in these matters.

is that how
you got away before?

he got me a little,
but not much.

i'll get you.

i'll rend you.

i'll savage you.

i'll shred you.

i'll suck your
bones dry.

you think you're
the first slug from hell

all puffed up with hot air

who tried to muscle
in on my operation?

if you're wondering
how i beat you, look around.

nino:
you're small potatoes.

father?

papa, what are you
doing in here?

papa demon:
you idiot!

i knew i shouldn't have
left the family business

in your inept claws.

like father, like son.

you saved me.
you saved me.

yeah, i saved you.

now all you got to do
is make a deal with me.

business, arky...

is strictly business.

narrator:
oh, arky, arky.

poor mr. lochner.

in that magical mystical
bookie parlor

we call the twilight zone

there's an old, old,
very old saying:

making a deal with a demon
is seriously crazy.

but making a deal
with the master of demons,

well, that's crazy
as a soup sandwich.

Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org