Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:16,391
{\an8}Please welcome
to the stage, Dusty Slay!
2
00:00:17,809 --> 00:00:19,477
♪ All day and night ♪
3
00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:23,815
♪ Tryin' to make my way
Turning wrongs to right ♪
4
00:00:24,482 --> 00:00:25,984
♪ It ain't a simple job ♪
5
00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:27,527
♪ But I love what I do ♪
6
00:00:27,610 --> 00:00:29,446
All right, we're having a good time.
7
00:00:29,529 --> 00:00:32,866
♪ Workin' hard is all
this old boy knows to do ♪
8
00:00:32,949 --> 00:00:35,160
We are having a good time.
What a hot show.
9
00:00:35,243 --> 00:00:37,537
Um, pumped to be here. It is a hot show.
10
00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:40,165
I don't know why I laughed
when I said it, but...
11
00:00:40,248 --> 00:00:42,417
It is very good. I'm pumped to be here.
12
00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:45,628
And sometimes I'll say that
three or four times
13
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:47,130
before I get started with the show.
14
00:00:47,213 --> 00:00:49,966
I'd like to let you know
the show is hot and I'm pumped to be here.
15
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:52,594
And that we are having a good time.
16
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,764
But I am pumped to be here.
This is a great job.
17
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,768
You know what I mean?
Listen, it's a hot show and...
18
00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:06,775
Now this is a great job.
Best job I ever had.
19
00:01:06,858 --> 00:01:09,527
I mean, I will quit
if I find a better one, but, uh...
20
00:01:09,611 --> 00:01:11,821
I'm not making that up.
21
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:15,492
I'm always looking for the best job
and so far this has been the best.
22
00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:18,286
And I'm happy to have it.
But I've had a lot of jobs.
23
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:21,372
I used to work in a restaurant
called Jim Bob's Chicken Fingers.
24
00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:23,500
Ever heard of that chicken finger place?
25
00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:25,251
Specialize in chicken fingers.
26
00:01:25,877 --> 00:01:28,463
I was the sauce guy working
my way up to dishwasher.
27
00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:33,384
And I came in one day
and the dishwasher had not shown up.
28
00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:35,970
I was going to be making sauce
and washing dishes.
29
00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:38,473
So I was like, "Let me go ahead
and go on break."
30
00:01:41,392 --> 00:01:42,852
And then I never came back.
31
00:01:44,979 --> 00:01:47,774
'Cause I don't do two jobs,
you know what I mean?
32
00:01:47,857 --> 00:01:50,235
You gonna be short-handed,
you're gonna be real short-handed
33
00:01:50,318 --> 00:01:53,822
'cause I'm jumping off this sinking ship,
you know what I mean?
34
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:57,492
I am not going down with Jim Bob's,
I'll tell you that.
35
00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:00,995
I walked right out of that place
and untucked my shirt.
36
00:02:02,872 --> 00:02:04,249
I hate tucking in my shirt.
37
00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:05,708
I do hate it.
38
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:07,961
I got a weird body
for tucking in my shirt.
39
00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:12,215
My body's not weird,
but I feel like if I tuck in my shirt,
40
00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:14,884
I feel like I look like
I work everywhere I'm at.
41
00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:21,224
That may not make sense to you,
but I got a working man's mid-section.
42
00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:24,394
Like if you can see my belt up here
43
00:02:24,477 --> 00:02:26,813
you're like,
"Oh, no. He works here somehow."
44
00:02:27,647 --> 00:02:31,067
"It's not clear what he does,
but he is affiliated with the place."
45
00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:33,611
"He got some kids, I'll tell you that."
46
00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:35,196
You know what I mean?
47
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:38,199
Like if I tuck in my shirt
and go into the grocery store,
48
00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:40,869
they'll start asking me
where the bread is.
49
00:02:41,452 --> 00:02:44,789
Then I take them to the bread.
50
00:02:45,373 --> 00:02:47,959
It gets weird
when they find out I don't work there.
51
00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:51,880
Like you didn't ask me if I work here,
you asked me where the bread was.
52
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,841
I do know where the bread is.
53
00:02:54,924 --> 00:02:57,343
I know where a lot of stuff is at
in this store.
54
00:02:57,927 --> 00:02:59,929
Be cool, I'll show you around a bit.
55
00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:02,765
Let me see your list.
You know what I mean?
56
00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:05,685
Okay, we're having a good time and...
57
00:03:05,768 --> 00:03:09,606
Thank you, thank you.
58
00:03:10,356 --> 00:03:12,525
I like to tell people
"We're having a good time."
59
00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:14,652
You know, I don't like to ask.
60
00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:17,864
Lot of comics come out here,
they go, "Are we having a good time?"
61
00:03:17,947 --> 00:03:20,241
Not me, I can't risk it.
You know what I mean?
62
00:03:20,742 --> 00:03:23,661
And yes, I will do that joke
the rest of my life, and uh...
63
00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:28,750
It's my favorite joke, I love it.
64
00:03:28,833 --> 00:03:30,960
It's not even a joke so much,
just it is the truth
65
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:33,046
that we are having a good time.
66
00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:35,798
I used to work at a restaurant
called Western Sizzlin'.
67
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,550
I don't know if you know that one.
68
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:39,928
Buffet-style restaurant
with a smoking section,
69
00:03:40,011 --> 00:03:40,970
you know what I mean?
70
00:03:41,638 --> 00:03:43,723
Eat more than you can breathe in there.
71
00:03:44,974 --> 00:03:46,434
I love a smoking section.
72
00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:49,479
I like smoking inside,
reminds me of my childhood, you know?
73
00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:53,233
Sleeping on the top bunk
of a single wide trailer.
74
00:03:53,733 --> 00:03:55,777
That's where all the smoke is, up there.
75
00:03:57,695 --> 00:03:59,572
I go to school the next day,
smelling like smoke,
76
00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:00,990
wearing a NASCAR T-shirt.
77
00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:03,701
When I was growing up,
my mom was a big NASCAR fan
78
00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:05,828
and she liked the driver, Alan Kulwicki.
79
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:09,332
I don't know if you guys remember him,
but he drove the Hooters car.
80
00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:11,668
I was the only third grade kid
with a T-shirt that said,
81
00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:14,504
"Hooters" on the front
and "More than a mouthful" on the back.
82
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:19,259
They didn't mean to send me home.
83
00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:21,219
They were like,
"He ain't got no better shirts."
84
00:04:24,889 --> 00:04:27,892
Leave in a Hooters shirt,
come back in a Marlboro shirt.
85
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,104
Still got a little pack of cigarettes
in the pocket
86
00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:33,648
where I switched out
with my dad in the parking lot.
87
00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:39,237
I love smoking, smoking's the best, um...
88
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,489
Yeah!
89
00:04:41,572 --> 00:04:43,825
Everybody's quitting now.
I think it's a shame.
90
00:04:45,743 --> 00:04:47,787
It's hard to smoke anywhere anymore.
91
00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:49,831
Tough to light up a cigarette out here.
92
00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:52,041
Some of these cities,
you can't even smoke.
93
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:55,295
I caught a whiff of some second-hand
in a Walmart parking lot the other day.
94
00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:57,297
There wasn't even nobody
smoking out there.
95
00:04:57,797 --> 00:05:00,008
That's just where the smoke goes now.
96
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,928
That's the only place it feels welcome.
97
00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:08,391
I worked at Western Sizzlin' two times.
98
00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:11,602
I remember working there one day
and this guy was refilling the buffet,
99
00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:12,854
and he was working real hard.
100
00:05:12,937 --> 00:05:15,189
And as he was pouring green beans
into the buffet,
101
00:05:15,273 --> 00:05:17,358
he was pouring sweat into the green beans.
102
00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:20,236
Yeah, very salty, it's...
103
00:05:21,904 --> 00:05:23,906
Some would argue too much salt, really.
104
00:05:24,532 --> 00:05:28,453
I stopped doing that joke for a while
because it was grossing everybody out.
105
00:05:28,536 --> 00:05:30,538
I like to bring it back once in a while,
106
00:05:30,621 --> 00:05:33,082
just kind of see
where we're at as a society.
107
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:38,588
I like that we're still grossed out by it,
I think that's a good sign.
108
00:05:40,089 --> 00:05:43,009
Western Sizzlin', and if you don't know,
it's like a Golden Corral,
109
00:05:43,092 --> 00:05:45,094
you know, without all the class, like a...
110
00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:48,056
Like a Silver Corral.
111
00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:51,642
Or like a Bronze Corral, you know?
112
00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:54,145
Like an O.K. Corral, you know what I mean?
113
00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:56,647
Doing all right in there.
114
00:05:57,398 --> 00:05:59,192
I liked working there, I learned a lot.
115
00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:01,944
That's where I smoked cigarettes
without using my hands.
116
00:06:05,990 --> 00:06:08,493
'Cause they wouldn't give us
real smoke breaks.
117
00:06:08,576 --> 00:06:10,953
We could only smoke
while we were rolling silverware.
118
00:06:12,830 --> 00:06:14,832
But you need both hands
to roll silverware,
119
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,877
so we'd just go back there
and light up and get to rollin'.
120
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,962
Got smoke all in our eyes.
121
00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:23,174
Customers would be like,
"There's ashes in this silverware."
122
00:06:23,257 --> 00:06:25,635
I'm like, "You should see
what's in your green beans."
123
00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:27,720
I mean this...
124
00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:35,561
I wouldn't worry about those ashes,
I'll tell you that.
125
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:37,230
You can just blow those off.
126
00:06:37,313 --> 00:06:40,191
There's stuff in here
you can't just blow off like that.
127
00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:45,321
I used to sell pesticides for a living.
128
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,907
I don't know if you can tell that
by looking at me, but...
129
00:06:47,990 --> 00:06:50,243
I did that for a long time.
130
00:06:50,326 --> 00:06:52,745
I sold pesticides
to Lowe's and Home Depot.
131
00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:54,789
I did that for a long time.
132
00:06:54,872 --> 00:06:57,250
People would come in
and ask weird questions.
133
00:06:57,333 --> 00:06:59,627
They'd be like,
"I'm looking for something organic."
134
00:06:59,710 --> 00:07:02,672
I'd like to kill the insects,
but not harm the environment.
135
00:07:03,464 --> 00:07:05,675
I'm like, "Well, how about a shoe?"
136
00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:12,849
'Cause I'm selling pesticides here, and...
137
00:07:14,183 --> 00:07:15,935
That stuff is poison, all right?
138
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:18,896
I'm hurting stuff out here.
139
00:07:20,148 --> 00:07:23,818
I liked that job because I worked
in the store, but not for the store.
140
00:07:23,901 --> 00:07:25,903
I had a bunch of different stores
that I went to.
141
00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:28,448
My boss was never around.
I had a lot of freedoms.
142
00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:31,325
But I had my shirt tucked in,
so people thought I worked there.
143
00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:35,371
They would ask me to help them
find stuff and I would.
144
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,457
Unless they got an attitude.
145
00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:40,585
Then like mid-help, I'd be like,
"I don't know."
146
00:07:43,087 --> 00:07:44,338
"I don't work here."
147
00:07:46,382 --> 00:07:48,342
Then I'd just walk off, you know.
148
00:07:48,926 --> 00:07:51,804
Customers don't know what to do
with something like that.
149
00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:52,972
They get the manager.
150
00:07:53,055 --> 00:07:55,766
The manager's like,
"I don't know, he doesn't work here."
151
00:07:57,226 --> 00:07:59,979
And they can't find me
because I already untucked my shirt.
152
00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:04,734
I disappeared right there in the store.
153
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,987
They're pointing at me, "Is that him?"
154
00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:11,657
They're like, "Kind of looks like him,
but the guy I'm talking about works here."
155
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:17,371
I'm gone. I'm already out front smoking.
156
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:20,374
I'm out there trying to calm down.
157
00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:25,004
You ever see people try to calm down
with a cigarette?
158
00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:27,798
Hitting it all hard.
Got paper burning all fast.
159
00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:30,635
They got a cherry on it that long.
160
00:08:31,260 --> 00:08:34,680
They're like, "I'm trying to calm down."
I'm like, "I don't think it's working."
161
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,559
You might just need some regular breaths.
162
00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:46,692
It could be oxygen you're looking for.
I don't know.
163
00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:53,991
I used to work with a guy,
he hit cigarettes so hard,
164
00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:56,077
you could hear it leaving his lips.
165
00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:59,205
And he'd be like...
166
00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:05,336
I was like, "Dang, dude. Take it easy."
167
00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:09,423
I felt sorry for the cigarettes.
168
00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:14,554
I was like, "I know they're killing you,
but they don't deserve that."
169
00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:20,184
They say cigarettes will kill you,
but I don't know.
170
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:21,310
You know what I mean?
171
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:24,438
I saw a bunch of old people out front
of this restaurant smoking the other day.
172
00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:27,400
I was like, "That's proof right there
it don't kill ya."
173
00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:29,777
Like they didn't look good.
174
00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:32,738
But they were alive.
175
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:37,577
Yeah, smoking's the best.
176
00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:40,746
I did quit, but it is the best, though.
177
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,833
I quit when I quit drinking.
I used to be a big drinker.
178
00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:46,544
I love drinking. Drinking's the best too.
179
00:09:46,627 --> 00:09:48,629
I think I was a really good drinker.
180
00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,715
A lot of my friends disagreed, um...
181
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:52,675
Most of them in fact.
182
00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:55,845
I was the type of drinker
you could make eye contact with
183
00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:57,263
at some point in the night,
184
00:09:57,346 --> 00:09:58,931
and look deep into my eyes,
185
00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:01,017
and know that I couldn't see you.
186
00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:07,106
Like the spirit had left the body.
187
00:10:08,649 --> 00:10:11,569
Just floating around out here,
looking for a Waffle House.
188
00:10:13,362 --> 00:10:14,905
Cracker Barrel, something like that.
189
00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:18,117
Just trying to eat my way
back into sobriety.
190
00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:23,914
Still got a little bit to get home.
191
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,418
I love Cracker Barrel, though.
192
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,421
Cracker Barrel's fun.
A lot of good food in there.
193
00:10:30,504 --> 00:10:32,715
Chicken and dumplings.
You can get dumplings as a side.
194
00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:35,092
You can get chicken and dumplings
and dumplings in there.
195
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:38,304
You can't do that at a lot of places.
196
00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:42,433
I like Cracker Barrel.
They had a lot of billboards in the South.
197
00:10:42,516 --> 00:10:45,186
They were all over in the Interstate
and I like most of them.
198
00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:47,188
But one billboard said this, it said:
199
00:10:47,688 --> 00:10:50,816
"Biscuits are like spoons
you can eat." Right?
200
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:53,361
'Cause that's not true, right?
201
00:10:55,237 --> 00:10:57,239
A biscuit ain't nothin' like a spoon.
202
00:10:58,282 --> 00:11:01,243
Yeah, you can eat it.
But that don't make it like a spoon.
203
00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:06,624
The reason I didn't like it is I felt like
these billboards were only in the South
204
00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:09,460
and I didn't want people
not from the South driving through here
205
00:11:09,543 --> 00:11:11,671
think we're down here
trying to eat spoons.
206
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:15,758
You know what I mean?
207
00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:19,553
'Cause we're not down here
trying to eat spoons.
208
00:11:21,305 --> 00:11:23,641
I told this joke down in Kentucky
one time, this girl goes,
209
00:11:23,724 --> 00:11:26,352
"That's true. You can dip
your biscuit into whatever you're eating,
210
00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:29,313
let it soak up
and then put that biscuit in your mouth.
211
00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:31,857
I'm like, "Yeah,
that's how you use a biscuit."
212
00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:35,528
That's not how you use a spoon.
213
00:11:38,489 --> 00:11:41,325
I've never seen a spoon
that can soak stuff up, you know.
214
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,494
That's tough to clean, man.
215
00:11:45,162 --> 00:11:47,748
Just saying you can't go around
replacing biscuits with spoons
216
00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:49,500
and spoons with biscuits.
217
00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:52,169
I mean nobody is born
with a silver biscuit in their mouth.
218
00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:57,633
Nobody in the mountains now
is playing the biscuits.
219
00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:02,096
There'd be crumbs everywhere.
220
00:12:03,848 --> 00:12:06,058
Nobody's melting heroin down on a biscuit.
221
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,566
Actually, I don't know
if that's true or not.
222
00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:16,652
I've not done a lot of heroin,
223
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,738
so I don't know
what people are doing with it.
224
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:22,700
Imagine if you got a lot of heroin,
you may want to break it up a bit.
225
00:12:22,783 --> 00:12:25,161
Let's try it on some different stuff
here and there.
226
00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:30,750
Know what I mean? I don't know.
But we're having a good time.
227
00:12:32,626 --> 00:12:34,420
Thank you. Thank you.
228
00:12:41,677 --> 00:12:44,096
I like to wave like this
and do this a lot.
229
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:46,182
I like this at the end of a joke.
230
00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:48,893
Just to let you know that joke's over.
231
00:12:49,643 --> 00:12:52,062
A lot of times, you'll know,
'cause you'll be laughing.
232
00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:54,648
But other times
I'll have to give you one of these.
233
00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:57,067
I got a lot going on up here.
234
00:12:57,151 --> 00:12:59,737
I like to touch my hat,
my glasses, my belt.
235
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:01,822
I'm like a third base coach up here.
236
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:06,786
Just tryin' to get you home.
237
00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:10,414
Okay. Thank you.
238
00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:12,625
I touch my nose a lot when I'm on stage.
239
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:15,544
I don't know what's going on with that,
but I feel like when I'm on stage,
240
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:18,297
my nose hairs like
to get together with my mustache,
241
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,592
Kind of like, "What's going on out there?
What's he up to?"
242
00:13:21,675 --> 00:13:23,886
Now I gotta come in here and break it up.
243
00:13:27,431 --> 00:13:29,433
At the beginning of COVID,
when they were like,
244
00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:32,269
"Don't touch your face."
I'm like, "Well, I'll be dead."
245
00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:37,274
I can't stop touching it,
you know what I mean?
246
00:13:37,358 --> 00:13:39,318
Okay, we're having a good time.
247
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,446
Thank you.
248
00:13:44,031 --> 00:13:47,034
I like dippin' a lot too.
I used to be a big dipper.
249
00:13:47,117 --> 00:13:49,745
Like Skoal, not the constellation, and...
250
00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:53,916
Okay. You know what I mean.
251
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:56,001
I love dippin'.
252
00:13:56,085 --> 00:13:58,420
I didn't dip Skoal,
I dipped Kodiak Wintergreen,
253
00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:00,172
but not everybody knows that name brand,
254
00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:02,550
so I like to say Skoal
'cause it's got brand recognition.
255
00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:07,596
I used to get lectured by people
at the gas station about dip.
256
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,265
I go, "Let me get a can of that Skoal."
257
00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:11,809
He's like, "You know that stuff
is gonna rot your lip out."
258
00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:14,854
I'm like, "All right, well,
let me get the cigarettes then."
259
00:14:17,773 --> 00:14:19,817
I'll smoke to the next gas station.
260
00:14:22,778 --> 00:14:24,780
I'm like, "I don't know what
you want me to do here."
261
00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:27,408
Clearly, I'm battling addiction.
262
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:32,121
You sell the stuff, don't lecture me
because I'm trying to buy it.
263
00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:35,499
Like, imagine you have a drug dealer.
264
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:38,502
And I realize not everyone in here
will have to imagine.
265
00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:43,048
Imagine you have a drug dealer.
266
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,926
You go see him, "Hey, I'd like
to get some of that cocaine there."
267
00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:48,470
I like to say it like that. Like a narc.
268
00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:52,808
I'm the worst at buying drugs.
269
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:55,102
"Yes, one eight-ball
of the cocaine, please."
270
00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:00,065
He's like, "You know
that stuff's addictive?"
271
00:15:00,149 --> 00:15:02,109
I'm like, "Yeah, I was here yesterday."
272
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,155
Starting to pick up a pattern here.
273
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,325
I pawned my grandmother's necklace
to get this money,
274
00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:10,910
so let's move this along here.
275
00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:14,246
That was a D.A.R.E. video
they showed in high school.
276
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,832
They showed me a video
of a girl doing cocaine one time,
277
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:20,502
the next thing she's pawning all
of grandma's jewelry to get more drugs.
278
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,630
And that video worked for me because
279
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:24,673
I'm like, "Man I better stay away
from this stuff,
280
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:27,384
'cause my grandmother ain't got
nothin' but Afghans."
281
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,973
"I don't know how much drugs
you can get for an Afghan."
282
00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:36,727
I don't know the street value
of a crocheted item.
283
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,401
I'd be hitting up my grandma every day.
284
00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:46,445
"Let me get another of them
Afghans from you."
285
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:48,781
She's just crocheting away.
286
00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:52,201
She's like, "You love these things, eh?"
287
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:56,622
I got to give her some of the drugs
just to keep her going.
288
00:15:57,915 --> 00:16:00,459
Now we both got a problem.
289
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:06,882
I love dippin', though,
I was big into dippin'.
290
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,884
It's a lot of fun.
I love to dip and drive.
291
00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:13,222
I have five or ten beers,
get behind the wheel,
292
00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:14,223
put a dip in.
293
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,143
I'm smoking because I forgot I'm dippin'.
294
00:16:25,609 --> 00:16:27,194
I used to wear contacts back in the day.
295
00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:29,279
I was a different guy back then, uh...
296
00:16:30,572 --> 00:16:33,283
I'm not always the best
about washing my hands.
297
00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:35,786
I know that's gross. I get it, but...
298
00:16:35,869 --> 00:16:37,830
Matter of fact I hate washing my hands.
299
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:40,124
To be honest with you.
300
00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:42,209
I know that's not popular
to say these days.
301
00:16:42,292 --> 00:16:45,212
And honestly, it's never really been
that popular to say.
302
00:16:48,215 --> 00:16:51,218
But I hate it. I like to compliment
people's bathrooms soaps,
303
00:16:51,301 --> 00:16:52,803
so they think I wash my hands.
304
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:58,392
I hate when I'm in a public restroom,
and somebody else comes in,
305
00:16:58,475 --> 00:17:01,812
'cause I'm like, "Dang!
Now I got to wash my hands."
306
00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:06,483
Sometimes they come right in,
go into the stall.
307
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:08,444
I'll just cut some water on for a minute.
308
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:11,280
Maybe let out some paper towels.
309
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:13,866
I spend more time faking it,
310
00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:15,701
then I would just washing my hands.
311
00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:21,331
It's tough to fake it now, though.
312
00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:24,877
Lot of these bathrooms
got motion sensors in there.
313
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:27,129
You stand over the sink, doing like this...
314
00:17:28,505 --> 00:17:30,507
You mess around, you get your hands wet.
315
00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:34,803
Dang, I might as well
do the whole thing now.
316
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,183
I miss the old days
where they had that hand dryer
317
00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:41,685
that you can just punch it
and it starts blowing.
318
00:17:41,769 --> 00:17:43,145
You get right out of there.
319
00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:45,856
People think I'm drying my hands.
320
00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:48,525
I'm already out in
the gas station touching stuff.
321
00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:56,575
Getting a donut with the tongs.
322
00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:02,581
Self-serve coffee,
struggling with the lids.
323
00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:04,666
"Aw, touched so many!"
324
00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:13,258
Getting a hot dog.
325
00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:15,677
Then being like,
"Nah, I don't want a hot dog."
326
00:18:17,554 --> 00:18:19,306
Just put it back on the roller.
327
00:18:26,188 --> 00:18:28,565
Nowadays, the hand dryers,
they got a lot of hand dryers
328
00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:30,734
that you got to like dip it in there.
329
00:18:32,027 --> 00:18:35,489
I don't know if you've seen those,
bunch of grown men just dippin' it.
330
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:48,085
Just waiting in line to dip it.
331
00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:53,507
Some got a little thin strip in there,
you got to try to avoid touching.
332
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,968
Like a game of operation in there.
333
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,432
The soap they give you now,
they don't even give you real soap.
334
00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:04,393
They just give you foam in there.
335
00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:06,478
It's like used soap.
336
00:19:08,438 --> 00:19:12,025
It's like soap that somebody else
has already worked into a lather.
337
00:19:13,777 --> 00:19:16,822
I don't know about you,
but I kind of like to work my own lather.
338
00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:19,825
That's not a service I'm looking for.
339
00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:24,621
They say they give you the foam
to conserve soap.
340
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:27,499
I had no idea we were dealing
with a soap crisis.
341
00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:31,795
So I like to do my part
by just not using any at all.
342
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:43,807
My cup's heavy.
343
00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:46,935
Yeah, okay.
344
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:48,020
It is a heavy cup.
345
00:19:49,479 --> 00:19:51,398
We're having a good time and uh...
346
00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:53,025
Oh, right, so I love dippin'.
347
00:19:53,108 --> 00:19:56,778
One day I'm at home, I'm dippin'.
I put in a dip, I'm having a great day.
348
00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:57,905
Loving life.
349
00:19:57,988 --> 00:19:59,573
I realize I'm late for work.
350
00:19:59,656 --> 00:20:02,159
And I'm like, "Oh no,
I got to put my contacts in."
351
00:20:02,242 --> 00:20:05,621
I forget to wash my hands,
Well, I don't forget, I just don't do it...
352
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:08,290
I didn't do like this good enough.
353
00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:11,752
So I run over there,
I throw in my contacts,
354
00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:13,337
I got dip all over my fingers.
355
00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:17,799
I get in the car and I'm just getting
blasted in the eyes with dip, you know.
356
00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:19,343
And it's a good buzz.
357
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:24,806
If you can handle it.
358
00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:27,309
It is very painful.
359
00:20:28,018 --> 00:20:29,019
But you're also very calm
360
00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:31,271
'cause you've got
a lot of nicotine in your system.
361
00:20:32,022 --> 00:20:34,024
In the cheek and the eyelids.
362
00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:37,110
Borderline an overload here.
363
00:20:38,487 --> 00:20:41,073
I showed up to work that day,
my eyes were all red.
364
00:20:41,573 --> 00:20:43,575
It's tough to convince
your boss you're not high
365
00:20:43,659 --> 00:20:45,244
if you show up with eyes that red.
366
00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:47,412
My boss was like, "You high today?'
367
00:20:47,496 --> 00:20:49,498
I was like, "Nah I was at home
and I was dippin',
368
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:52,209
I forgot to wash my hands
and I put my contacts in."
369
00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:53,877
He goes, "So you're high then."
370
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,674
I was like, "Well, yeah, I'm high."
371
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:02,427
That's not why my eyes are red,
but I'm high.
372
00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:06,765
Of course I'm high,
I work at a restaurant.
373
00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:14,314
I didn't want to do the drugs,
I'm just trying to fit in with my peers.
374
00:21:16,149 --> 00:21:17,818
Everybody at a restaurant's high.
375
00:21:18,318 --> 00:21:21,154
If you're ever in a restaurant,
and you're like, "Where's my server?"
376
00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:23,407
They're in the walk-in cooler
getting high.
377
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:28,453
Or in the weight station
eating off your plate.
378
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:31,498
That's what I liked to do.
379
00:21:31,581 --> 00:21:34,918
I liked to eat off people's plates
after they were done with it.
380
00:21:36,169 --> 00:21:39,047
Which is less gross for you,
more gross for me.
381
00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:42,467
I won't disrespect the customer,
but I will disrespect my own body.
382
00:21:43,635 --> 00:21:45,762
I was doing it a lot. I loved doing it.
383
00:21:45,846 --> 00:21:48,348
I think it was grossing out
some of my coworkers.
384
00:21:48,432 --> 00:21:49,808
So I had to come up with a system.
385
00:21:49,891 --> 00:21:53,061
A way to justify it to them
and maybe to myself a little bit.
386
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:56,732
And I decided I would only eat
off the plates of women,
387
00:21:56,815 --> 00:21:58,900
and only if I would make out with them.
388
00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:02,988
'Cause I feel,
if you'll make out with somebody,
389
00:22:03,071 --> 00:22:04,573
it's okay to eat their food.
390
00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:10,037
If you give that any moment of thought,
you'll realize it's a pretty good system.
391
00:22:12,831 --> 00:22:16,501
But then there was a lot of food
coming to the back that I wanted to eat
392
00:22:16,585 --> 00:22:18,295
off the plates of guys,
393
00:22:18,378 --> 00:22:19,921
so I had to ask myself...
394
00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:25,385
Would the girl that I would
make out with make out with this guy?
395
00:22:28,597 --> 00:22:30,349
I found the answer is always yes.
396
00:22:32,434 --> 00:22:35,896
I figure if she'll make out with me,
she'll make out with anybody and...
397
00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:39,191
I like crab cakes, you know what I mean?
398
00:22:39,941 --> 00:22:41,234
We're having a good time.
399
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:47,407
You guys are very nice.
What a great crowd.
400
00:22:48,408 --> 00:22:49,868
That's true, though.
401
00:22:49,951 --> 00:22:52,829
When I say something sincere and laugh,
it doesn't seem sincere,
402
00:22:52,913 --> 00:22:54,539
and I don't mean it that way.
403
00:22:54,623 --> 00:22:56,833
I've quit dippin' now too.
I've given up a lot things.
404
00:22:56,917 --> 00:22:59,294
I have a baby now so I'm trying to live...
405
00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:05,300
I want to live now,
406
00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:07,969
I wanted to live before,
but I didn't care if I died.
407
00:23:08,053 --> 00:23:09,304
Does that make sense?
408
00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:11,390
I mean I wasn't sad,
but I was like, "I could die."
409
00:23:11,473 --> 00:23:12,474
You know what I mean?
410
00:23:12,557 --> 00:23:14,559
I was trying to get healthy a little bit,
411
00:23:14,643 --> 00:23:16,978
so I went to the doctor
and they gave me a questionnaire.
412
00:23:17,062 --> 00:23:20,399
And one of the questions was,
"How often do you sit down?"
413
00:23:20,899 --> 00:23:22,818
And I never really thought about that.
414
00:23:22,901 --> 00:23:25,570
I was like, "Dang.
That's pretty much what I do."
415
00:23:27,114 --> 00:23:30,200
Sometimes I'll lay down,
I don't know if you count that.
416
00:23:30,867 --> 00:23:33,620
So I don't sit all day.
I will lay down a little bit,
417
00:23:33,703 --> 00:23:34,955
stretch out my back.
418
00:23:39,292 --> 00:23:43,422
The way I see it, my life is just walking
to new places to sit down.
419
00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:49,094
I don't know how much standing
I'm supposed to be doing out here.
420
00:23:50,929 --> 00:23:53,682
So what I figure, what I did,
I joined the gym.
421
00:23:53,765 --> 00:23:57,018
And I'll go in there, walk around a bit,
touch on some stuff.
422
00:23:58,270 --> 00:23:59,855
You know what I mean?
423
00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:02,524
Grab a barbell and go,
"Dang that feels good."
424
00:24:04,192 --> 00:24:06,945
I'll lift this next week and uh...
425
00:24:07,737 --> 00:24:10,240
Then I hit the tanning bed
and get right out of there.
426
00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:13,869
I felt like if you look good,
you feel good.
427
00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:16,413
Who doesn't look good with a tan?
428
00:24:20,041 --> 00:24:22,794
I got a lot of digestive issues,
I burp a lot.
429
00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:25,130
And I know it's gross,
but I do burp a lot.
430
00:24:25,213 --> 00:24:26,506
That's why COVID was tough on me.
431
00:24:26,590 --> 00:24:29,468
I don't know if you burped
into an N95 mask before.
432
00:24:30,802 --> 00:24:32,262
It does not go away, man.
433
00:24:33,763 --> 00:24:34,764
That's the best mask.
434
00:24:34,848 --> 00:24:37,642
I don't know if keeps stuff out,
but it keeps stuff in.
435
00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:40,479
That's research I've done on my own.
436
00:24:43,523 --> 00:24:46,526
I don't know
if burp is thicker than virus or not, but...
437
00:24:47,903 --> 00:24:50,322
I almost choked out
in a grocery store one time.
438
00:24:52,157 --> 00:24:54,451
I burped into that thing,
had two straps on it,
439
00:24:54,534 --> 00:24:56,411
got tangled up in my hair.
440
00:24:57,037 --> 00:24:59,539
Couldn't get it off,
my glasses were fogging up.
441
00:25:01,124 --> 00:25:02,292
I'm about to pass out.
442
00:25:02,375 --> 00:25:05,504
They were like, "You got COVID?"
I'm like, "No, I got a burp in here."
443
00:25:06,463 --> 00:25:09,299
"Why don't you pull out a pocket knife?
Cut this thing off."
444
00:25:11,551 --> 00:25:14,846
"I'm trying to breathe a little bit.
I'm in here trying to get some grapes."
445
00:25:20,936 --> 00:25:22,187
I get a lot of heartburn.
446
00:25:22,687 --> 00:25:23,855
A lot of heartburn.
447
00:25:24,481 --> 00:25:26,858
I got heartburn so bad,
I ruptured my appendix
448
00:25:26,942 --> 00:25:28,777
and I didn't even really know it.
449
00:25:29,694 --> 00:25:32,614
I was just like, "Dang,
this heartburn's getting bad, man."
450
00:25:33,573 --> 00:25:36,701
I'm used to it being up around in here,
but now it's down here.
451
00:25:38,787 --> 00:25:40,580
It really feels about the same.
452
00:25:41,581 --> 00:25:43,667
I walked around like that for months.
453
00:25:43,750 --> 00:25:46,127
I finally went to the doctor
and pushed around on my stomach,
454
00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:48,505
and then they get down here
and they sent me the hospital.
455
00:25:48,588 --> 00:25:51,299
I get to the hospital
and they do a full body scan on me.
456
00:25:51,383 --> 00:25:53,218
The surgeon came back and he said,
457
00:25:53,301 --> 00:25:55,095
"It looks like a bomb went off
458
00:25:55,595 --> 00:25:57,264
where your appendix used to be."
459
00:25:58,557 --> 00:25:59,933
That was his real words.
460
00:26:00,850 --> 00:26:03,436
"Looks like a bomb went off
where your appendix used to be."
461
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,647
Everybody was saying it.
I heard it out in the hallway.
462
00:26:05,730 --> 00:26:07,941
"It looks like a bomb went off..."
463
00:26:08,608 --> 00:26:11,528
It was the talk of the hospital.
They couldn't stop saying it.
464
00:26:12,612 --> 00:26:14,990
Everybody was saying it,
that's all I was hearing.
465
00:26:15,490 --> 00:26:17,158
They found out I didn't have insurance,
466
00:26:17,242 --> 00:26:19,411
and they were like,
"Well, it wasn't a full rupture."
467
00:26:21,621 --> 00:26:23,498
They're like, "Get out of here, man."
468
00:26:24,583 --> 00:26:25,417
Yeah.
469
00:26:26,293 --> 00:26:29,337
"You take these antibiotics
and come back if it gets worse."
470
00:26:30,922 --> 00:26:32,215
And it did get worse.
471
00:26:34,175 --> 00:26:35,218
It did get worse.
472
00:26:35,719 --> 00:26:38,305
So I had to go back to the hospital,
and they cut me open.
473
00:26:38,388 --> 00:26:40,181
Did all kinds of things to my body.
474
00:26:40,265 --> 00:26:43,101
I don't know what they did,
but I know if they put you to sleep,
475
00:26:43,184 --> 00:26:46,563
cut you open and you not wake up,
they can do whatever they want to you.
476
00:26:47,606 --> 00:26:48,815
And I bet they did.
477
00:26:50,358 --> 00:26:51,568
You know what I mean?
478
00:26:56,323 --> 00:26:57,824
And I woke up after surgery,
479
00:26:57,907 --> 00:27:00,327
and they had me on an IV drip of ketamine.
480
00:27:00,827 --> 00:27:03,204
I don't know if you've done
ketamine before, one person does.
481
00:27:03,288 --> 00:27:07,250
'Cause if... if you've done it
you can't contain yourself
482
00:27:07,334 --> 00:27:09,753
after somebody brings it up.
483
00:27:10,837 --> 00:27:12,130
For everybody else,
484
00:27:12,213 --> 00:27:15,258
the best way I can describe ketamine is,
if I had two appendixes,
485
00:27:15,342 --> 00:27:17,093
I'd try to rupture that other one.
486
00:27:20,555 --> 00:27:23,308
Just so I could do ketamine
one more time,
487
00:27:23,391 --> 00:27:25,602
'cause that was honestly a lot of fun.
488
00:27:27,896 --> 00:27:30,857
I could close my eyes
and immediately go into a dream.
489
00:27:31,900 --> 00:27:34,903
I'd open my eyes,
tell my wife all these things I saw.
490
00:27:34,986 --> 00:27:36,237
There was a lot of things
491
00:27:36,321 --> 00:27:39,074
and she'd be like,
"Your eyes were closed for 10 seconds."
492
00:27:40,367 --> 00:27:44,037
"I don't know what to tell you,
I've been doing some time travelling and..."
493
00:27:45,246 --> 00:27:47,791
"There's some darkness coming,
that's all I can tell you."
494
00:27:48,375 --> 00:27:50,293
It's getting dark.
495
00:27:52,462 --> 00:27:53,296
I know people,
496
00:27:53,380 --> 00:27:56,341
I bet I could get some ketamine
if I started asking around.
497
00:27:57,258 --> 00:28:00,178
But I don't really want
to be doing ketamine at the house.
498
00:28:01,012 --> 00:28:03,181
It's fun to do drugs in the hospital.
499
00:28:03,264 --> 00:28:04,849
You do some, you start freaking out,
500
00:28:04,933 --> 00:28:06,810
then they give you something
to correct yourself.
501
00:28:07,894 --> 00:28:09,187
You freak out with your friends
502
00:28:09,270 --> 00:28:11,481
they're like, "Get out
before you ruin the whole party."
503
00:28:14,275 --> 00:28:18,029
"We're not driving you
to the hospital tonight, get out of here."
504
00:28:18,113 --> 00:28:20,240
You know what I mean? Okay.
505
00:28:22,951 --> 00:28:25,870
So I don't have an appendix now, and uh...
506
00:28:25,954 --> 00:28:28,790
They say you can live without it
and I guess that's true.
507
00:28:29,582 --> 00:28:31,543
But I could also live without my feet.
508
00:28:31,626 --> 00:28:32,752
You know what I mean?
509
00:28:34,671 --> 00:28:37,799
I sure like having those things.
510
00:28:46,057 --> 00:28:47,434
We're having a good time.
511
00:28:55,567 --> 00:28:57,152
I did a TED Talk one time.
512
00:28:57,235 --> 00:28:58,987
I've done a lot of
unintentional TED Talks,
513
00:28:59,070 --> 00:29:00,488
but I did one on purpose.
514
00:29:00,572 --> 00:29:02,824
If you don't know,
it's where people stand on stage
515
00:29:02,907 --> 00:29:04,784
and talk and nobody laughs.
516
00:29:06,536 --> 00:29:10,123
I've done it a few times unintentionally,
but one time I did a TED Talk.
517
00:29:10,915 --> 00:29:13,793
And it was a TED Talk on,
"We're having a good time."
518
00:29:13,877 --> 00:29:15,879
You know, like,
the power of positive thinking.
519
00:29:15,962 --> 00:29:18,631
No matter what's going on,
you say, "We're having a good time."
520
00:29:18,715 --> 00:29:19,841
and you'll feel better.
521
00:29:19,924 --> 00:29:21,050
Very deep stuff.
522
00:29:23,261 --> 00:29:26,055
So I agreed to do it,
and then I ruptured my appendix.
523
00:29:26,556 --> 00:29:29,893
I'm laying in the hospital, like,
"I don't know if I believe this anymore."
524
00:29:31,561 --> 00:29:32,479
You know?
525
00:29:33,354 --> 00:29:36,691
But I had already agreed to it.
So I was like, "I'm gonna do it."
526
00:29:36,775 --> 00:29:38,777
So I wrote out this great 15 min TED Talk.
527
00:29:38,860 --> 00:29:40,862
It was very good. One of the best I bet.
528
00:29:43,573 --> 00:29:45,700
And I gave myself two days to memorize it,
529
00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:47,076
which is not enough time.
530
00:29:48,161 --> 00:29:49,496
Maybe for you, not for me.
531
00:29:50,163 --> 00:29:52,165
So I show up to the venue,
I get on the stage.
532
00:29:52,248 --> 00:29:53,792
I'm up there for about two minutes,
533
00:29:53,875 --> 00:29:56,211
and then I forget
the rest of that TED Talk.
534
00:29:56,294 --> 00:29:58,671
So I forgot 13 of the 15 minutes.
535
00:30:00,215 --> 00:30:03,676
And I'm just standing there,
and I just start doing jokes.
536
00:30:06,179 --> 00:30:08,681
I'm like, I'm not about
to bomb this TED Talk here.
537
00:30:09,849 --> 00:30:12,602
So it's very funny,
it just doesn't make a lot of sense.
538
00:30:13,228 --> 00:30:15,647
One minute, I'm talking about
the power of positive thinking,
539
00:30:15,730 --> 00:30:18,316
the next, I'm talking about
growing up in a trailer park,
540
00:30:18,399 --> 00:30:20,527
making a lot of loose connections.
541
00:30:22,070 --> 00:30:23,738
It's on YouTube, don't watch it.
542
00:30:26,533 --> 00:30:28,159
On the day we're doing the TED Talk,
543
00:30:28,243 --> 00:30:31,371
there's several people doing TED Talks,
one right after another,
544
00:30:31,454 --> 00:30:33,122
and the girl who went on before me
545
00:30:33,206 --> 00:30:36,125
is talking a lot about
pooping in a David's Bridal.
546
00:30:36,209 --> 00:30:37,085
Right?
547
00:30:38,253 --> 00:30:39,879
I'm sure it was very good.
548
00:30:39,963 --> 00:30:41,589
I wasn't able to listen
to the whole thing.
549
00:30:41,673 --> 00:30:44,175
I was in the back trying
to memorize my own TED Talk.
550
00:30:45,844 --> 00:30:49,180
But I just kept hearing her talk
about pooping in a David's Bridal.
551
00:30:50,014 --> 00:30:52,225
Something big went down that day,
that's all I know.
552
00:30:54,561 --> 00:30:55,603
And...
553
00:30:55,687 --> 00:30:58,690
When I go out, I'm just trying
to break the ice a little bit,
554
00:30:58,773 --> 00:31:01,693
and I'm like, "Hey,
I pooped in a lot of David's Bridals."
555
00:31:06,114 --> 00:31:08,032
And when my TED Talk came out,
556
00:31:08,116 --> 00:31:09,659
they left that part in.
557
00:31:12,704 --> 00:31:14,080
With no context.
558
00:31:22,380 --> 00:31:24,215
They have no idea that the girl before me
559
00:31:24,299 --> 00:31:26,593
talked a lot about
pooping in a David's Bridal.
560
00:31:28,011 --> 00:31:30,221
You don't even know anyone went before me.
561
00:31:31,639 --> 00:31:34,601
For all you know,
I was the one and only speaker that night.
562
00:31:35,727 --> 00:31:37,687
It was my night to do a TED Talk.
563
00:31:38,187 --> 00:31:41,065
People bought tickets
just to see my TED Talk.
564
00:31:41,149 --> 00:31:42,525
And I decided to open with,
565
00:31:42,609 --> 00:31:44,861
"Hey, I pooped in a lot
of David's Bridals."
566
00:31:49,824 --> 00:31:51,826
And then never mention it again.
567
00:31:53,661 --> 00:31:55,663
I don't bring it back around at the end.
568
00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:57,040
Put a little bow on it.
569
00:31:57,123 --> 00:31:59,792
"And that's why I pooped
in a lot of David's Bridals."
570
00:32:06,049 --> 00:32:07,800
But a lot of people have seen it.
571
00:32:09,135 --> 00:32:10,845
They keep watching that thing.
572
00:32:11,429 --> 00:32:13,806
I wish they wouldn't,
but they keep watching it.
573
00:32:15,308 --> 00:32:17,352
I don't know how long they're watching it.
574
00:32:17,435 --> 00:32:18,728
I don't dig into those metrics.
575
00:32:18,811 --> 00:32:21,022
I don't like to see how long people
are watching things.
576
00:32:21,105 --> 00:32:22,565
One time I checked my website,
577
00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:25,151
I wanted to see how long people
are on my website for some reason.
578
00:32:25,234 --> 00:32:26,819
I don't know why I wanted to know that.
579
00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:30,198
I checked and it is
a shockingly low amount of time.
580
00:32:32,033 --> 00:32:34,452
It seems like every person
who clicks on my website,
581
00:32:34,535 --> 00:32:35,578
goes, "Oh, whoops."
582
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:41,042
I don't know how I got here, but...
583
00:32:41,793 --> 00:32:43,378
Must be a typo, let's get out of here.
584
00:32:44,629 --> 00:32:47,715
But my website is dustyslay.com
585
00:32:47,799 --> 00:32:49,968
And that makes sense
'cause that's my name.
586
00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:54,514
But I opened this website
with GoDaddy.com years ago.
587
00:32:55,056 --> 00:32:58,267
And I had some problems with it,
so I had to call GoDaddy.
588
00:32:58,351 --> 00:33:01,187
I'm talking to him,
and I don't know if I'm talking to Daddy
589
00:33:01,270 --> 00:33:02,188
or not, but...
590
00:33:09,779 --> 00:33:12,407
They were reading off my website
back to me and they go,
591
00:33:12,490 --> 00:33:15,243
"So it's Dusty's Lay.com."
592
00:33:20,248 --> 00:33:22,542
I'm like, "Well,
it's not that kinda website."
593
00:33:25,003 --> 00:33:26,754
But that may be the problem, right?
594
00:33:27,714 --> 00:33:30,842
People think they're going
to Dusty's Lay.com
595
00:33:31,342 --> 00:33:32,343
and they click on it
596
00:33:32,427 --> 00:33:34,929
and I'm like, "Hey,
I pooped in a lot of David's Bridals."
597
00:33:41,728 --> 00:33:44,147
And they're like,
"Oh, back, back, back, back."
598
00:33:45,398 --> 00:33:47,400
Clearing out the search history.
599
00:33:51,362 --> 00:33:52,280
I don't know.
600
00:33:56,242 --> 00:33:57,493
We're having a good time.
601
00:33:59,328 --> 00:34:01,456
That laugh came out of nowhere, didn't it?
602
00:34:03,541 --> 00:34:04,834
We didn't see that one coming.
603
00:34:08,046 --> 00:34:10,339
I go out to the woods a lot and um...
604
00:34:11,257 --> 00:34:12,800
Whoo!
605
00:34:12,884 --> 00:34:15,136
Lately, I've been picking up
a lot of ticks.
606
00:34:15,720 --> 00:34:17,930
Not like a nervous tick,
but like an insect.
607
00:34:19,307 --> 00:34:21,267
I get ticks in weird places, man.
608
00:34:21,350 --> 00:34:23,811
I got a tick on a body part
that rhymes with tick.
609
00:34:26,522 --> 00:34:28,608
That's not as fun as you'd think it'd be.
610
00:34:29,734 --> 00:34:33,654
I got worried that I had Lyme disease.
And I looked up some symptoms,
611
00:34:33,738 --> 00:34:36,199
and one of the symptoms is
you'll be real tired.
612
00:34:37,116 --> 00:34:38,701
I was like, "Dang, I'm tired."
613
00:34:41,204 --> 00:34:44,373
Then I realized
that I've been tired for a long time, so...
614
00:34:44,457 --> 00:34:46,793
If anything,
I gave that tick Lyme disease.
615
00:34:49,921 --> 00:34:52,465
I may be the original carrier
of Lyme disease.
616
00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:55,009
I'm sorry about that.
617
00:34:56,677 --> 00:34:58,262
I knew I should have killed that tick.
618
00:34:59,138 --> 00:35:01,307
Just flush them
down the toilet every time.
619
00:35:01,390 --> 00:35:04,352
Figure if they can live from that,
they deserve their life.
620
00:35:05,978 --> 00:35:07,980
I used to play out in the woods
a lot as a kid.
621
00:35:08,064 --> 00:35:09,565
We weren't afraid of ticks back then,
622
00:35:09,649 --> 00:35:12,652
we were afraid of real stuff
like snakes and bears.
623
00:35:12,735 --> 00:35:15,738
My parents had me afraid
of falling into an old well.
624
00:35:18,866 --> 00:35:20,243
That was our big fear.
625
00:35:20,326 --> 00:35:21,577
"You fall into an old well,
626
00:35:21,661 --> 00:35:23,746
people won't find you
for three or four days."
627
00:35:23,830 --> 00:35:25,665
I'm like, "Three or four days?"
628
00:35:26,332 --> 00:35:28,501
"How about if I don't come home tonight...
629
00:35:32,004 --> 00:35:33,548
...you go looking for me?"
630
00:35:34,924 --> 00:35:37,510
"Like I'm not a world traveler out here."
631
00:35:39,095 --> 00:35:41,347
"You got a pretty good idea
of where I'm gonna be."
632
00:35:42,348 --> 00:35:45,560
"Maybe walk around out there,
listen for somebody going, 'Help!'"
633
00:35:46,561 --> 00:35:49,230
"'Help!' That'll be me
trapped in an old well."
634
00:35:52,525 --> 00:35:54,235
It's gotta be an old well, though.
635
00:35:55,278 --> 00:35:58,239
New well, people just come by,
crank you right out of there.
636
00:36:00,533 --> 00:36:03,244
Old well, people just come by,
throw change in there.
637
00:36:05,121 --> 00:36:07,331
You make a little money down
in an old well.
638
00:36:09,500 --> 00:36:12,003
Tough to spend it,
but you can make it down there.
639
00:36:15,047 --> 00:36:16,507
People come try to rescue you,
640
00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:19,051
they're like, "You're too heavy.
Drop all that change."
641
00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:22,722
"Nah, you come back with stronger people."
642
00:36:24,473 --> 00:36:26,475
"I made this money down here."
643
00:36:27,226 --> 00:36:29,645
"I'm down here doing well."
You know what I mean?
644
00:36:32,190 --> 00:36:35,484
Thank you. Thank you.
645
00:36:39,697 --> 00:36:41,991
I grew up in Alabama,
that's where I'm from and...
646
00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:45,661
Thank you, thank you. All right.
647
00:36:46,245 --> 00:36:48,372
My dad still lives there.
My dad lives on a farm.
648
00:36:48,456 --> 00:36:51,500
And he used to have this field,
where he had this big ditch
649
00:36:51,584 --> 00:36:54,503
where he used to throw a lot of trash
and old appliances
650
00:36:54,587 --> 00:36:56,339
and paint cans and stuff like that.
651
00:36:56,422 --> 00:36:58,758
He's a big environmentalist, and uh...
652
00:36:59,717 --> 00:37:01,427
That ditch was just full of stuff.
653
00:37:01,928 --> 00:37:05,431
One day, this guy came along,
and he wanted to dig around in that ditch.
654
00:37:05,514 --> 00:37:08,643
My dad was like, "Nah, there ain't
anything worth digging around in there."
655
00:37:08,726 --> 00:37:11,854
The guy was like, "Nah, man,
I love digging around in stuff like that."
656
00:37:12,355 --> 00:37:15,149
So my dad was like, "All right.
If you love it, you love it."
657
00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:16,734
"Go dig around down there."
658
00:37:16,817 --> 00:37:19,779
So the guy goes down there,
starts digging around in that ditch.
659
00:37:19,862 --> 00:37:22,698
About a half hour later,
my dad hears this big explosion.
660
00:37:23,449 --> 00:37:26,661
And he looks down there
and can see that the ditch has blown up.
661
00:37:27,328 --> 00:37:30,206
Turns out what happened was
the guy got way deep down in that ditch
662
00:37:30,289 --> 00:37:32,458
and it got real dark and he couldn't see.
663
00:37:32,541 --> 00:37:35,294
He didn't have a flashlight,
so he pulled out a lighter.
664
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:38,589
Apparently there was
a lot of gas and fumes in there.
665
00:37:39,090 --> 00:37:42,301
So when that guy struck that lighter,
that ditch just blew up.
666
00:37:42,385 --> 00:37:44,595
With that guy inside.
667
00:37:50,142 --> 00:37:51,978
I was like, "Dang, was that guy okay?"
668
00:37:52,061 --> 00:37:54,522
My dad was like, "Yeah,
he was a little disoriented, but, uh..."
669
00:37:56,482 --> 00:37:57,483
"He was okay."
670
00:37:58,693 --> 00:38:00,903
Then that's all
he ever really said about it.
671
00:38:02,154 --> 00:38:03,364
I don't know.
672
00:38:05,491 --> 00:38:08,452
One time, when I was a little kid,
I was about this old, eight or so.
673
00:38:08,536 --> 00:38:10,413
I don't know how old that is and uh...
674
00:38:12,957 --> 00:38:15,167
Me and my dad we were
cleaning out this swimming pool,
675
00:38:15,251 --> 00:38:17,837
and my dad had a pool vacuum,
I had a little net.
676
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:20,464
We're trying to clean it up
and there's this bullfrog in the pool.
677
00:38:20,548 --> 00:38:22,425
We want to catch it, and set it free.
678
00:38:22,508 --> 00:38:24,552
We want to save that frog's life.
679
00:38:24,635 --> 00:38:27,096
So I jump in there, try to catch it,
it's too fast.
680
00:38:27,179 --> 00:38:29,682
Try to scoop it out with a net,
it keeps jumping out.
681
00:38:29,765 --> 00:38:31,142
And my dad had this idea.
682
00:38:31,225 --> 00:38:35,229
He thought the frog would be
too big to get sucked up the pool vacuum.
683
00:38:36,397 --> 00:38:39,108
So he thought
he could just catch it like this.
684
00:38:39,817 --> 00:38:43,070
Then that frog just kind of ride
the suction on up to the top.
685
00:38:43,154 --> 00:38:45,031
Then we take it off and set it free.
686
00:38:45,531 --> 00:38:46,574
That was the dream.
687
00:38:48,993 --> 00:38:52,246
But it turns out that frog
was not too big to get sucked up.
688
00:38:52,330 --> 00:38:54,040
I don't know who saw that coming.
689
00:38:54,874 --> 00:38:56,334
Sucked up right away.
690
00:38:57,501 --> 00:38:59,045
I remember seeing it come up the hose,
691
00:38:59,128 --> 00:39:01,172
it was stretching it out
all along the way.
692
00:39:01,922 --> 00:39:03,507
Real cartoon-like.
693
00:39:04,592 --> 00:39:05,926
Like a snake had eaten it.
694
00:39:07,219 --> 00:39:11,140
And then when the frog got to the top,
it was all busted open and it had died.
695
00:39:14,643 --> 00:39:16,729
That's not what we wanted to happen, but...
696
00:39:17,355 --> 00:39:18,981
The frog did die that day.
697
00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:22,735
My dad also used to have
this VHS camcorder
698
00:39:22,818 --> 00:39:25,321
and he used to film everything.
He filmed everything.
699
00:39:25,404 --> 00:39:28,407
I found a tape labelled,
"Christmas and court."
700
00:39:32,411 --> 00:39:35,039
I was like, "Dang,
the holidays took a turn, huh?"
701
00:39:36,457 --> 00:39:38,793
You don't wanna
just start a new tape, I guess.
702
00:39:40,044 --> 00:39:41,754
Trying to keep it alphabetical.
703
00:39:44,507 --> 00:39:45,800
I'm digging through these tapes,
704
00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:49,178
he had a bunch of tapes,
and I find this one and start watching it.
705
00:39:49,261 --> 00:39:52,098
I come across this video,
and it's of me and my dad talking,
706
00:39:52,181 --> 00:39:53,933
I'm still a little kid, you know.
707
00:39:54,016 --> 00:39:56,143
And we're talking all about the frog day.
708
00:39:56,227 --> 00:39:58,687
We get to the very end
and then my dad goes,
709
00:39:58,771 --> 00:40:00,523
"And then it just hopped away."
710
00:40:01,899 --> 00:40:03,818
And you could see my face change.
711
00:40:04,902 --> 00:40:07,071
Like knowing that my dad was lying,
712
00:40:07,154 --> 00:40:09,490
but also not knowing
how to correct my dad.
713
00:40:10,074 --> 00:40:11,909
So I'm just like, "Mm-hmm."
714
00:40:13,369 --> 00:40:15,287
So I guess what I'm trying to say is,
715
00:40:15,371 --> 00:40:17,665
I think that guy died
in that ditch that day.
716
00:40:19,959 --> 00:40:23,295
All right.
717
00:40:23,379 --> 00:40:24,255
All right.
718
00:40:28,843 --> 00:40:30,386
That's what I think happened.
719
00:40:30,928 --> 00:40:33,472
There could be hundreds of bodies
out there, I don't know.
720
00:40:34,014 --> 00:40:36,142
I don't know how long
that's been going on.
721
00:40:38,811 --> 00:40:41,981
Maybe that's why I love country music.
I don't know the connection, but...
722
00:40:43,190 --> 00:40:44,400
could be something there.
723
00:40:45,901 --> 00:40:47,570
I do love country music.
724
00:40:47,653 --> 00:40:49,363
All right.
725
00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:51,449
That's four people. That's not bad.
726
00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:54,410
A room this size,
you get four country fans.
727
00:40:54,493 --> 00:40:56,745
That's what I'm talking about.
728
00:40:57,621 --> 00:40:59,999
I love country.
Country is the one genre of music
729
00:41:00,082 --> 00:41:03,043
people tell you they don't like,
even when you didn't ask.
730
00:41:04,044 --> 00:41:05,754
You're like,
"What kind of music you like?"
731
00:41:05,838 --> 00:41:07,298
"Everything but country."
732
00:41:08,257 --> 00:41:11,135
Oh, everything, huh?
Big polka fan, I guess.
733
00:41:13,012 --> 00:41:14,930
Really into acid jazz.
734
00:41:16,307 --> 00:41:19,393
I can't wait to see you
at that Enya concert later.
735
00:41:20,811 --> 00:41:22,938
You guys remember Enya?
736
00:41:23,022 --> 00:41:25,941
I was listening to Enya a little bit,
early 2000s.
737
00:41:26,025 --> 00:41:28,277
I was living in a trailer
for the second time.
738
00:41:29,153 --> 00:41:31,363
I was doing some drugs.
You know what I mean?
739
00:41:32,156 --> 00:41:33,782
Getting paranoid in the daytime.
740
00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:38,120
I tore up some mini-blinds in there.
741
00:41:40,915 --> 00:41:42,333
"What's going on out there?"
742
00:41:46,337 --> 00:41:48,339
I'm worse on blinds than a cat, man.
743
00:41:51,091 --> 00:41:54,678
I don't know how familiar
you are with trailers, but they're narrow.
744
00:41:54,762 --> 00:41:57,306
You can go side to side quick
checking mini-blinds.
745
00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:02,019
From the couch to the love seat,
back to the couch.
746
00:42:02,645 --> 00:42:04,104
What's going out there?
747
00:42:06,023 --> 00:42:08,943
You ever been so paranoid
inside in the daytime?
748
00:42:09,026 --> 00:42:09,985
Then you go outside,
749
00:42:10,069 --> 00:42:12,279
and go, "Actually,
it's a pretty nice day out here."
750
00:42:13,739 --> 00:42:15,866
Inside,
you're worried people are coming,
751
00:42:15,950 --> 00:42:18,077
outside, you're like,
"I wish some people would come."
752
00:42:20,204 --> 00:42:21,372
"I could use a friend."
753
00:42:23,707 --> 00:42:27,545
But I love country. I've been listening
to this Travis Tritt song recently.
754
00:42:27,628 --> 00:42:30,756
A song called,
"The Whiskey Ain't Workin' Anymore."
755
00:42:31,298 --> 00:42:34,593
I don't know if heard that song.
Came out in the '90s. Real classic hit.
756
00:42:35,094 --> 00:42:36,887
"The Whiskey Ain't Workin' Anymore."
757
00:42:37,471 --> 00:42:40,140
Two, three people? Good.
758
00:42:40,224 --> 00:42:42,434
- Yeah!
- All right, there it is.
759
00:42:45,479 --> 00:42:47,565
That might be Travis Tritt, I don't know.
760
00:43:01,036 --> 00:43:03,163
It's called "The Whiskey
Ain't Working Anymore."
761
00:43:03,247 --> 00:43:06,166
It came out in the '90s. Classic song.
I've heard a million times.
762
00:43:06,250 --> 00:43:07,459
The other day I'm listening,
763
00:43:07,543 --> 00:43:09,503
I caught a lyric in there
I had not heard before.
764
00:43:09,587 --> 00:43:10,838
This is what he says, he goes,
765
00:43:10,921 --> 00:43:15,217
"A woman warm and willing,
that's what I'm looking for."
766
00:43:17,511 --> 00:43:21,307
I was like, "Dang,
those are some low standards right there."
767
00:43:22,933 --> 00:43:25,769
I mean, that's as low as it gets, man.
768
00:43:26,854 --> 00:43:28,105
Warm and willing.
769
00:43:28,939 --> 00:43:31,650
You know, warm, like, alive.
770
00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:38,032
Or maybe has just died. I don't know.
771
00:43:40,868 --> 00:43:43,329
I don't know how long
it takes a body to get cold.
772
00:43:46,123 --> 00:43:49,668
I had a mortician at one of my shows.
She goes, "A lot longer than you think."
773
00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:54,089
And I had not spent
a lot of time thinking about it.
774
00:43:55,549 --> 00:43:58,636
I don't think a mortician
should be dealing with warm bodies.
775
00:43:59,386 --> 00:44:02,473
If you're dealing with a warm body,
you got there too quick.
776
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:04,808
You know something.
777
00:44:05,976 --> 00:44:07,811
Like if I show up to the morgue
and I'm warm
778
00:44:07,895 --> 00:44:09,897
I want you to give me a little shake.
779
00:44:11,023 --> 00:44:12,775
'Cause I've slept hard before.
780
00:44:15,819 --> 00:44:17,279
Make sure I'm dead.
781
00:44:18,238 --> 00:44:20,658
Don't be embalming a warm body, you know?
782
00:44:22,076 --> 00:44:23,827
That's something I've always said.
783
00:44:28,624 --> 00:44:30,334
There's another Travis Tritt song I like.
784
00:44:30,417 --> 00:44:33,045
This one's called,
"It's a Great Day to be Alive."
785
00:44:33,128 --> 00:44:35,631
It's a great song.
786
00:44:35,714 --> 00:44:37,466
It is a fun song. One of my favorites.
787
00:44:37,549 --> 00:44:41,011
But, in that song, he doesn't say,
"It's a great day to be alive,"
788
00:44:41,095 --> 00:44:42,721
until you get to the chorus.
789
00:44:42,805 --> 00:44:45,307
And if you just listen
to the first verse of that song,
790
00:44:45,391 --> 00:44:47,810
you would not think that's what
he's about to say.
791
00:44:48,894 --> 00:44:50,896
The song starts off with him going,
792
00:44:50,979 --> 00:44:54,108
"I got rice cookin' in the microwave."
793
00:44:55,859 --> 00:44:57,861
I'm not saying
there's anything wrong with that,
794
00:44:57,945 --> 00:45:00,572
but that's not really
a start to a great day, is it?
795
00:45:02,908 --> 00:45:05,536
If that's a great day,
what were you up to yesterday?
796
00:45:06,245 --> 00:45:08,372
Just sitting around eating dry rice...
797
00:45:10,749 --> 00:45:12,084
"Dang, this is not good."
798
00:45:14,128 --> 00:45:17,047
If you're making a list
of things that made your day great,
799
00:45:17,131 --> 00:45:19,675
I don't think microwaveable rice
makes the list.
800
00:45:21,593 --> 00:45:24,763
Little while later in the song,
he says he's making a homemade soup.
801
00:45:24,847 --> 00:45:27,766
I got to question
what kind of soup you're really making.
802
00:45:27,850 --> 00:45:31,061
You're making a homemade soup
but you can't boil a pot of rice?
803
00:45:33,939 --> 00:45:35,023
I don't think so.
804
00:45:36,525 --> 00:45:38,527
He talks about how good he's doing,
then he says,
805
00:45:38,610 --> 00:45:40,779
"Neither drink nor drug induced."
806
00:45:40,863 --> 00:45:42,656
That sounds like he's doing drugs.
807
00:45:44,158 --> 00:45:46,577
Your friends that don't do drugs
don't tell you they're happy
808
00:45:46,660 --> 00:45:48,662
and then say, "I'm not doing drugs."
809
00:45:50,122 --> 00:45:52,332
He says two times in the first verse,
810
00:45:52,416 --> 00:45:53,751
"I'm doing all right."
811
00:45:54,752 --> 00:45:57,504
Are you doing all right
or is it a great day to be alive?
812
00:45:59,381 --> 00:46:01,216
'Cause those are not the same thing.
813
00:46:02,050 --> 00:46:05,304
Imagine you're at work
and a coworker comes in and goes,
814
00:46:05,387 --> 00:46:07,306
"It's a great day to be alive."
815
00:46:07,389 --> 00:46:11,018
You're like, "Dang! How you doing today?"
And they're like, "Ah, I'm all right."
816
00:46:14,855 --> 00:46:15,939
You know what I mean?
817
00:46:17,149 --> 00:46:19,151
I love work small talk like that.
818
00:46:19,651 --> 00:46:21,487
Work small talk is my favorite.
I loved it.
819
00:46:21,570 --> 00:46:23,697
I loved to walk into a Lowe's
back in the day, be like,
820
00:46:23,781 --> 00:46:25,908
"All right, just living the dream!"
821
00:46:27,117 --> 00:46:28,660
"Another day, another dollar."
822
00:46:29,912 --> 00:46:31,580
"Workin' hard or hardly workin'?"
823
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:36,418
Those are my three favorites,
I like to rotate those throughout the day.
824
00:46:37,294 --> 00:46:39,630
I'd go into this one Lowe's,
talk to the same guy every time.
825
00:46:39,713 --> 00:46:40,756
Every time he'd do this.
826
00:46:40,839 --> 00:46:44,051
I'd go, "How you doing today?"
He goes, "If I was any better I'd be you."
827
00:46:44,676 --> 00:46:47,471
I'd like to go,
"Well, I'm not doing good."
828
00:46:55,562 --> 00:46:56,730
"So I'm sorry to hear."
829
00:46:58,190 --> 00:46:59,525
"So I'm sorry to hear it."
830
00:47:00,192 --> 00:47:01,819
I like small talk in general.
831
00:47:01,902 --> 00:47:03,862
A lot of people say,
if you talk about the weather,
832
00:47:03,946 --> 00:47:07,699
you've run out of things to talk about,
but I like to lead with weather.
833
00:47:08,951 --> 00:47:10,869
Weather is what I want to talk about.
834
00:47:11,870 --> 00:47:13,831
Like if I go outside and it's real hot,
835
00:47:13,914 --> 00:47:16,333
I have to say it out loud.
I can't just think it.
836
00:47:17,084 --> 00:47:18,502
I have to go, "Dang!
837
00:47:19,837 --> 00:47:20,754
"It's hot!"
838
00:47:22,130 --> 00:47:24,132
Even when I'm alone, I have to say it.
839
00:47:26,510 --> 00:47:29,596
Then if I see anybody on the street,
I'll try to make eye contact.
840
00:47:29,680 --> 00:47:31,223
"Oh, it's hot out here, huh?"
841
00:47:33,016 --> 00:47:35,978
And if they're into it,
we'll talk about the weather for a while.
842
00:47:36,562 --> 00:47:39,439
I'll start telling them about weather
of other places I've been.
843
00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:43,193
It's hot here,
but last week I was in Michigan.
844
00:47:43,277 --> 00:47:44,194
Guess what?
845
00:47:44,278 --> 00:47:45,153
It was cold.
846
00:47:47,406 --> 00:47:48,323
You believe that?
847
00:47:49,825 --> 00:47:53,036
Then I pull out my phone,
I show him a screenshot of the weather.
848
00:47:54,955 --> 00:47:57,207
I'll hold it there
until they acknowledge it.
849
00:47:58,959 --> 00:48:00,836
"Sorry, that locked up on you there."
850
00:48:04,673 --> 00:48:06,842
"Didn't realize I was holding it
for two minutes."
851
00:48:10,846 --> 00:48:13,599
I was in Phoenix one time,
it was 118 degrees.
852
00:48:14,141 --> 00:48:16,518
I carried that screenshot around
for about four years.
853
00:48:18,979 --> 00:48:21,732
Anytime I told someone this story,
I'd go, "Hold on, hold on."
854
00:48:22,566 --> 00:48:25,152
They're like, "We believe you."
I'm like "Nah, nah, nah."
855
00:48:25,235 --> 00:48:28,113
"Nah, you got see it, though."
856
00:48:29,948 --> 00:48:32,159
"Yeah, it's in here somewhere,
I'll find it."
857
00:48:34,912 --> 00:48:37,372
There's a country song by George Strait
called, "The Fireman."
858
00:48:37,456 --> 00:48:39,833
He goes, "They call me The Fireman.
That's my name."
859
00:48:39,917 --> 00:48:42,711
Well, is that your name
or that what they call you, 'cause...?
860
00:48:44,796 --> 00:48:47,341
If that's your name,
explains why they been calling you that.
861
00:48:48,717 --> 00:48:50,719
They call me Dusty. That's my name.
862
00:48:52,804 --> 00:48:55,390
There's another song I like
by a band called Lonestar.
863
00:48:55,474 --> 00:48:57,851
This song is called, "I'm Already There."
864
00:48:58,477 --> 00:49:02,064
Don't know if you heard that song before.
Most dramatic country song of all time.
865
00:49:03,649 --> 00:49:05,192
Very dramatic song.
866
00:49:05,901 --> 00:49:06,985
Guy leaves for the weekend,
867
00:49:07,069 --> 00:49:09,154
you think he's going
for the rest of his life.
868
00:49:09,863 --> 00:49:12,616
If you haven't heard the song,
it's about a guy out working the road.
869
00:49:12,699 --> 00:49:15,702
I don't think he says what he's doing.
I imagine it's music.
870
00:49:16,244 --> 00:49:19,581
And he misses his family
'cause he's on the road and I get that.
871
00:49:19,665 --> 00:49:22,417
He says he calls his wife
from a lonely cold hotel room.
872
00:49:22,918 --> 00:49:25,295
Which seems like a booking issue to me.
873
00:49:27,464 --> 00:49:30,008
It's not hard to find
a hotel with heat these days.
874
00:49:30,968 --> 00:49:33,387
That's not even something
they advertise anymore.
875
00:49:33,470 --> 00:49:36,139
Tough to find a hotel without heat,
to be honest with you.
876
00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:39,810
You get a better hotel,
you'll still be lonely but comfortable.
877
00:49:42,354 --> 00:49:45,440
And he's talking to his wife,
he's crying, I imagine and uh...
878
00:49:47,317 --> 00:49:49,111
Then he hears
a little kid in the background,
879
00:49:49,194 --> 00:49:51,780
his kid's small, and his kid
gets on the phone and his kid goes,
880
00:49:51,863 --> 00:49:53,865
"Dad, when you coming home?"
881
00:49:54,366 --> 00:49:57,703
This is what he says to his kid,
he goes, "I'm already there."
882
00:50:00,205 --> 00:50:02,207
I was like,
"Why are you doing that to the kid?"
883
00:50:04,251 --> 00:50:06,837
That kid's small, man,
he doesn't get the poetry you're doing.
884
00:50:07,963 --> 00:50:10,340
That kid's probably like,
"What? You're home?"
885
00:50:12,009 --> 00:50:14,344
"Why are we doing
this weird phone thing here?"
886
00:50:15,262 --> 00:50:17,723
"Let's get together,
let's spend some time together."
887
00:50:17,806 --> 00:50:19,808
"Play catch or something.
Mom said you were gone."
888
00:50:19,891 --> 00:50:21,351
"I don't know why she said that."
889
00:50:24,021 --> 00:50:25,897
Then the dad goes,
says something like this,
890
00:50:25,981 --> 00:50:27,941
"I'm the sunshine in your hair, son."
891
00:50:28,692 --> 00:50:30,652
"I'm the whisper in the wind."
892
00:50:30,736 --> 00:50:32,738
"I'm the shadow on the ground."
893
00:50:32,821 --> 00:50:35,532
That kid's probably like,
"Mom, what's wrong with Dad?"
894
00:50:37,743 --> 00:50:39,745
"What is he talking about?"
895
00:50:41,663 --> 00:50:44,249
Maybe the song's darker
than we realize, you know.
896
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:48,879
Maybe the dad's like, "Son, I am home.
You're my side family and uh..."
897
00:50:56,344 --> 00:50:59,222
He's like, "I would appreciate
if you wouldn't call me at home."
898
00:51:01,641 --> 00:51:03,560
"I've got a lot going on this weekend."
899
00:51:04,895 --> 00:51:07,939
"If you want to play catch,
play with the sunshine in your hair."
900
00:51:09,441 --> 00:51:11,443
"See what the shadow
on the ground's up to."
901
00:51:12,819 --> 00:51:15,280
"Have a little chat
with the whisper in the wind."
902
00:51:18,784 --> 00:51:20,911
I've talked to whisper in the wind before.
903
00:51:21,745 --> 00:51:23,455
I'll talk to anybody or anything.
904
00:51:24,372 --> 00:51:25,457
I love talking.
905
00:51:25,999 --> 00:51:26,958
Lot of my friends...
906
00:51:27,042 --> 00:51:29,836
I take a lot of Ubers
and a lot of my friends get mad
907
00:51:29,920 --> 00:51:32,047
if the Uber driver talks to them too much.
908
00:51:32,130 --> 00:51:33,381
It's the opposite for me.
909
00:51:33,965 --> 00:51:36,426
I think the Uber driver
gets mad at me for talking.
910
00:51:37,344 --> 00:51:39,346
He's like,
"You want to listen to the radio?"
911
00:51:39,429 --> 00:51:41,598
I'm like, "No, turn it off."
912
00:51:44,810 --> 00:51:47,729
"I only got five minutes alone
with you in this car."
913
00:51:48,980 --> 00:51:51,733
"I got a lot of stuff
I need to tell a stranger, okay?"
914
00:51:53,527 --> 00:51:56,404
"I've got a lot of conspiracies
I need to get off of my chest."
915
00:51:57,572 --> 00:51:59,574
"Honestly, my wife is tired
of hearing it, so..."
916
00:52:00,325 --> 00:52:02,494
"I'm not even Ubering anywhere, I'm just..."
917
00:52:02,577 --> 00:52:04,579
"I'm just Ubering to talk, man."
918
00:52:07,290 --> 00:52:10,919
I love the car, I like being in the car.
I like driving, travelling.
919
00:52:11,419 --> 00:52:13,130
You ever get a fly in your car?
920
00:52:14,381 --> 00:52:16,341
And that fly's in there for a while.
921
00:52:16,842 --> 00:52:19,177
You've been driving down the road,
driving for miles,
922
00:52:19,261 --> 00:52:20,971
that fly's all over the place in there.
923
00:52:21,721 --> 00:52:24,349
You've been going for miles.
All of a sudden, you let that fly out,
924
00:52:24,432 --> 00:52:26,560
what do you think it's like for that fly?
925
00:52:28,854 --> 00:52:30,856
Like that fly is way away from home now.
926
00:52:32,732 --> 00:52:36,903
That'd be like going into a grocery store
and coming out in Arkansas.
927
00:52:40,490 --> 00:52:42,909
"Dang, what happened
while I was in there?"
928
00:52:45,954 --> 00:52:48,165
That fly's got to start
a whole new life now.
929
00:52:51,668 --> 00:52:54,171
You ever do enough drugs
to think of something like that?
930
00:53:01,887 --> 00:53:03,847
All right,
lot of drug addicts here tonight.
931
00:53:03,930 --> 00:53:04,973
I appreciate it.
932
00:53:07,851 --> 00:53:09,311
But you don't even need drugs now.
933
00:53:09,394 --> 00:53:11,980
Weed is so strong now, weed is like drugs.
934
00:53:12,063 --> 00:53:13,148
You know what I mean?
935
00:53:15,275 --> 00:53:17,152
I don't know what happened to weed.
936
00:53:17,235 --> 00:53:20,113
Weed used to be
a good old fun recreational activity,
937
00:53:20,197 --> 00:53:21,990
but now it's like hard drugs, man.
938
00:53:22,824 --> 00:53:25,577
I've done weaker acid
than the weed that's out here now.
939
00:53:25,660 --> 00:53:27,454
Whoo!
940
00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:31,917
It's true, I used to have
a lot of fun with weed when I was younger,
941
00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:34,002
I could smoke a joint
or a blunt with some people.
942
00:53:34,085 --> 00:53:36,880
We laugh, have a good time.
Listen to some music.
943
00:53:36,963 --> 00:53:40,175
Now I take one hit and I'm walking around
in the yard praying.
944
00:53:43,053 --> 00:53:45,096
I feel like I'm having a heart attack.
945
00:53:46,097 --> 00:53:47,557
I'm just saying over and over again,
946
00:53:47,641 --> 00:53:50,518
"Weed's never killed anyone,
weed's never killed anyone."
947
00:53:51,937 --> 00:53:53,939
I don't even know if that's true.
948
00:53:55,649 --> 00:53:58,985
That used to be true,
but I don't know if it's true anymore.
949
00:53:59,069 --> 00:54:01,738
Guess weed could be killing people,
I don't know.
950
00:54:01,821 --> 00:54:04,157
Weed grew up,
got violent, that's all I know.
951
00:54:09,037 --> 00:54:12,374
I grew up in Alabama
and weed used to be scary to get,
952
00:54:12,457 --> 00:54:13,917
but fun to do.
953
00:54:14,501 --> 00:54:16,670
Now if you live in a state
where it's legal,
954
00:54:16,753 --> 00:54:19,256
it's like, fun to get but scary to do.
955
00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:23,927
When I was growing up,
if you wanted to get weed,
956
00:54:24,010 --> 00:54:27,222
you gotta get 10, 25 dollars together,
you go to a bad neighborhood,
957
00:54:27,305 --> 00:54:29,391
some guy would come out,
you'd give him the money.
958
00:54:29,474 --> 00:54:32,018
He may come back with the weed,
he may not, right?
959
00:54:33,311 --> 00:54:34,604
It's 50-50, really.
960
00:54:35,272 --> 00:54:37,816
You never knew where it'd be in,
it'd be in a bag,
961
00:54:37,899 --> 00:54:39,567
it might be in a coffee filter.
962
00:54:40,068 --> 00:54:42,904
One guy brought me weed
right out of his hand one time.
963
00:54:50,203 --> 00:54:52,455
I was like,
"I'm not sure you weighed this."
964
00:54:55,417 --> 00:54:58,670
If you don't have money for bags,
you don't have money for scales.
965
00:54:59,879 --> 00:55:02,632
You might want to think about
investing in your business here.
966
00:55:03,717 --> 00:55:05,969
You're looking to do this
long term that is.
967
00:55:06,886 --> 00:55:09,889
You got the weed,
it was fun, easy light weed, you know.
968
00:55:09,973 --> 00:55:11,975
Nowadays, if you live in a state
where it's legal
969
00:55:12,058 --> 00:55:14,227
buying weed is like a shopping experience.
970
00:55:14,311 --> 00:55:16,604
You go into a store, it's all well lit.
971
00:55:16,688 --> 00:55:19,357
It's like a Best Buy
or an AT&T store in there.
972
00:55:19,899 --> 00:55:23,028
Sometimes the cops are there,
but to protect the drug dealers.
973
00:55:24,321 --> 00:55:26,614
Some of these stores
are set up like a pharmacy.
974
00:55:26,698 --> 00:55:28,700
Everybody inside's a little scientist.
975
00:55:28,783 --> 00:55:31,328
They're telling you
about all the different strands of weed.
976
00:55:31,411 --> 00:55:35,206
One lady was like,
"This weed is creative and uplifting."
977
00:55:35,749 --> 00:55:36,958
I was like, "Oh, okay."
978
00:55:37,042 --> 00:55:39,044
"Well, that's not what I'm looking for."
979
00:55:42,714 --> 00:55:45,508
I was like, "I don't really know
what that means to be honest with you."
980
00:55:45,592 --> 00:55:47,886
I'm not looking
to spend time with the weed.
981
00:55:50,096 --> 00:55:52,390
Not trying to hear
the weed's ideas on things.
982
00:55:55,810 --> 00:55:57,645
They think I'm weird
because I'm always like,
983
00:55:57,729 --> 00:55:59,731
"What's the weakest weed you have here?"
984
00:56:00,565 --> 00:56:02,942
"Like you got any weed
you were thinking about throwing out?"
985
00:56:05,820 --> 00:56:08,990
"You got any weed people returned
because it wasn't working good?"
986
00:56:09,741 --> 00:56:11,659
That's the kind of weed I'm looking for.
987
00:56:12,202 --> 00:56:14,788
I'm just trying to enjoy
some TV out here, you know.
988
00:56:15,288 --> 00:56:18,249
I'm not trying to disappear
into a different realm.
989
00:56:21,836 --> 00:56:25,048
I'm not trying to sleep with a light on
all night in my hotel room
990
00:56:27,258 --> 00:56:29,302
'cause the darkness is too thick.
991
00:56:34,391 --> 00:56:35,266
Ever do that, though?
992
00:56:35,350 --> 00:56:38,311
You get high, and you're like,
"It's been a great day. Had a lot of fun."
993
00:56:38,395 --> 00:56:39,479
"But now it's time for bed."
994
00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:41,773
You turn the light switch off,
995
00:56:41,856 --> 00:56:44,651
and it feels like
nighttime lays down on you.
996
00:56:45,610 --> 00:56:47,612
I'm like, "Well, that's coming back on."
997
00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:51,741
And the TV and the podcast.
998
00:56:53,368 --> 00:56:55,745
I may call a friend,
make sure I'm still alive.
999
00:57:03,795 --> 00:57:05,839
I freaked out in a lot of hotel rooms.
1000
00:57:06,714 --> 00:57:08,800
Nobody knows it's happening but it is.
1001
00:57:09,551 --> 00:57:12,762
I'll hear a noise out in the hallway,
I think people are coming to get me.
1002
00:57:13,263 --> 00:57:16,599
I look out the peephole,
it's just some family enjoying their life.
1003
00:57:17,434 --> 00:57:20,562
No idea about the darkness going on
in my hotel room.
1004
00:57:22,272 --> 00:57:23,690
Over one hit of weed.
1005
00:57:25,191 --> 00:57:27,652
You think I'd been in there
doing heroin all week.
1006
00:57:28,528 --> 00:57:31,573
I'm all strung out,
I got biscuits everywhere.
1007
00:57:43,960 --> 00:57:46,045
Sometimes I'll smoke weed
in the hotel room.
1008
00:57:46,129 --> 00:57:47,881
And that's always a mistake for me.
1009
00:57:48,548 --> 00:57:52,135
I'll take one little puff,
I think I've smoked the whole hotel out.
1010
00:57:52,218 --> 00:57:55,722
It's made its way down to the front desk,
they're calling the police.
1011
00:57:55,805 --> 00:57:57,640
The police are on their way.
1012
00:57:57,724 --> 00:58:00,727
I'm out in the parking lot, like,
"I'm not even at this hotel."
1013
00:58:02,145 --> 00:58:04,272
"Matter of fact,
right now, I'm loitering."
1014
00:58:05,523 --> 00:58:07,692
"I better leave
before I get in trouble for loitering
1015
00:58:07,775 --> 00:58:09,777
'cause I'm not at this hotel."
1016
00:58:10,612 --> 00:58:12,489
"That's something
I can tell you right now."
1017
00:58:13,406 --> 00:58:16,743
So when I do smoke in the hotel,
I like to take it very seriously.
1018
00:58:16,826 --> 00:58:18,119
I go into the room,
1019
00:58:18,203 --> 00:58:20,121
I put the "Do not disturb" sign
on the door.
1020
00:58:20,205 --> 00:58:21,539
Then I go into the bathroom
1021
00:58:21,623 --> 00:58:24,209
and put another
"Do not disturb" sign on the door.
1022
00:58:28,755 --> 00:58:30,465
So if they come through the first door,
1023
00:58:30,548 --> 00:58:33,051
they'll be like, "This is
a lot more private than we realized."
1024
00:58:34,928 --> 00:58:36,846
"We shouldn't have come
through the first one,
1025
00:58:36,930 --> 00:58:40,600
but it's definitely against hotel policy
to go through two 'Do not disturb' signs."
1026
00:58:43,520 --> 00:58:46,439
Then I put a little towel under the door,
I take a little hit,
1027
00:58:46,523 --> 00:58:48,942
blow it into the toilet,
close the lid, flush it.
1028
00:58:55,657 --> 00:58:58,868
That's what I do every time.
I don't know if it works or not, but
1029
00:58:59,953 --> 00:59:02,121
I've not been kicked
out of a hotel yet, so...
1030
00:59:02,664 --> 00:59:04,541
Either it works or nobody cares.
1031
00:59:05,833 --> 00:59:09,128
Smoke's gotta hit the water
by the time that spiral's kickin' in.
1032
00:59:09,212 --> 00:59:11,381
Sucks it right down.
1033
00:59:13,883 --> 00:59:15,885
I like to think I'm doing a service.
1034
00:59:16,386 --> 00:59:19,556
I like to think there's somebody
on the other end of that toilet
1035
00:59:19,639 --> 00:59:21,391
working down in a sewer somewhere.
1036
00:59:22,183 --> 00:59:24,352
Hangin' out with a bunch of Ninja Turtles.
1037
00:59:26,396 --> 00:59:28,398
Fighting off all the ticks I'm flushing.
1038
00:59:31,693 --> 00:59:35,405
That smoke hits him in the face,
he's like, "All right, I appreciate that."
1039
00:59:36,406 --> 00:59:38,408
"Pleasant smell for a change."
1040
00:59:39,576 --> 00:59:41,578
"Great day to be alive down here."
1041
00:59:43,371 --> 00:59:45,081
You know what I mean? That's true.
1042
00:59:52,171 --> 00:59:53,464
My wife doesn't do drugs
1043
00:59:53,548 --> 00:59:56,259
and I always think
everything's weird when I'm high.
1044
00:59:56,342 --> 00:59:57,677
And that's how she knows.
1045
00:59:59,137 --> 01:00:02,098
Like if I start saying stuff's weird,
she knows what's going on.
1046
01:00:02,807 --> 01:00:05,685
We go to a coffee shop the other day,
and we come out and I go,
1047
01:00:05,768 --> 01:00:07,395
"That was weird in there, huh?"
1048
01:00:08,479 --> 01:00:10,857
She was like,
"Nah, that was the most normal
1049
01:00:11,691 --> 01:00:13,693
coffee shop experience we could have had."
1050
01:00:14,902 --> 01:00:17,864
"You went in, you asked for coffee,
they gave it to you, you paid for it,
1051
01:00:17,947 --> 01:00:19,198
now we're outside."
1052
01:00:20,992 --> 01:00:21,951
"What was weird?"
1053
01:00:22,952 --> 01:00:25,580
I was like, "I don't know,
but there was a vibe in there."
1054
01:00:27,624 --> 01:00:29,375
"Felt like they didn't want us in there."
1055
01:00:30,960 --> 01:00:33,129
But it was
a real hipster coffee shop, real hip,
1056
01:00:33,212 --> 01:00:35,548
and if it gets too hip,
they don't want you in there.
1057
01:00:35,632 --> 01:00:37,342
They don't want me in there. I know that.
1058
01:00:37,425 --> 01:00:39,177
They're very rude to me in there.
1059
01:00:39,260 --> 01:00:40,762
But I like a rude coffee shop.
1060
01:00:41,971 --> 01:00:44,932
I like to be treated bad
while I'm trying to order a coffee.
1061
01:00:46,059 --> 01:00:47,393
I like to be berated.
1062
01:00:49,687 --> 01:00:52,315
I feel like,
the ruder the coffee shop employee,
1063
01:00:52,398 --> 01:00:53,691
the better the coffee.
1064
01:00:54,317 --> 01:00:57,362
I don't know why that is,
but it seems to be true every time.
1065
01:00:57,862 --> 01:01:00,281
If you go to a place
and they're real friendly, you're like,
1066
01:01:00,365 --> 01:01:02,408
"Ah, there's gonna be Folgers in here."
1067
01:01:04,243 --> 01:01:07,330
Gonna be in a styrofoam cup
with a lid that don't fit that good.
1068
01:01:08,373 --> 01:01:09,832
Could have made this at home.
1069
01:01:12,210 --> 01:01:15,713
So I love a hipster coffee shop
'cause I like good coffee, you know.
1070
01:01:15,797 --> 01:01:18,299
But sometimes they complicate things
for no reason.
1071
01:01:18,383 --> 01:01:20,218
Like all I drink is black coffee.
1072
01:01:20,301 --> 01:01:22,512
I went to this one coffee shop
and I go up to the guy,
1073
01:01:22,595 --> 01:01:24,847
he figured out a way to complicate that.
I go up to him,
1074
01:01:24,931 --> 01:01:26,265
"Let me get a black coffee."
1075
01:01:26,349 --> 01:01:28,351
He goes, "Pour-over or drip?"
1076
01:01:29,435 --> 01:01:31,771
I was like, "I don't know.
However you get it in there."
1077
01:01:31,854 --> 01:01:32,939
You know what I mean?
1078
01:01:34,524 --> 01:01:37,402
I'm like, "I don't really know
what you're asking me right now."
1079
01:01:38,361 --> 01:01:41,197
"I'm not looking to be involved
in making the coffee here."
1080
01:01:42,365 --> 01:01:44,742
"Pour it, drip it,
whatever you gotta do, man,
1081
01:01:45,284 --> 01:01:46,494
but wrap it up."
1082
01:01:48,121 --> 01:01:50,123
He was like, "Pour-over takes 15 minutes."
1083
01:01:50,206 --> 01:01:52,375
I was like, "Well, start dripping then."
1084
01:01:54,919 --> 01:01:57,588
I don't know
how you drip faster than you pour, man.
1085
01:02:00,299 --> 01:02:02,301
That don't even make sense.
I don't know how
1086
01:02:02,385 --> 01:02:04,303
or why you're doing it like that.
1087
01:02:05,304 --> 01:02:07,056
Fifteen minutes to make a coffee.
1088
01:02:07,140 --> 01:02:08,975
I don't need it to be that good.
1089
01:02:09,726 --> 01:02:11,018
I like a good coffee,
1090
01:02:11,102 --> 01:02:13,855
but I don't need you back there
massaging the beans.
1091
01:02:15,606 --> 01:02:18,109
Fifteen minutes is enough
to get to know a person.
1092
01:02:18,609 --> 01:02:21,612
I'm not trying to form a relationship
with the barista here.
1093
01:02:22,697 --> 01:02:25,158
Turns out a pour-over coffee
is when they're making you
1094
01:02:25,241 --> 01:02:27,243
your own individual cup of coffee.
1095
01:02:27,326 --> 01:02:30,413
So I guess you're taking up
one employee in that coffee shop
1096
01:02:30,496 --> 01:02:32,123
for the next 15 minutes,
1097
01:02:32,206 --> 01:02:35,334
'cause you don't want your coffee
mingled with the other coffee.
1098
01:02:36,377 --> 01:02:38,379
I don't need it to be that good.
1099
01:02:38,463 --> 01:02:40,298
I don't need a pour-over coffee.
1100
01:02:40,798 --> 01:02:44,302
I have found a place
that manages to be rude to you
1101
01:02:44,385 --> 01:02:45,845
and give you bad coffee.
1102
01:02:45,928 --> 01:02:48,347
And that place is known
as the Waffle House.
1103
01:02:49,891 --> 01:02:52,143
You know what I mean?
1104
01:02:52,226 --> 01:02:54,896
I love the Waffle House,
but I'm not going there for the coffee.
1105
01:02:54,979 --> 01:02:57,356
I'll have it,
but I'm not going there for it.
1106
01:02:57,440 --> 01:02:59,025
I do love the Waffle House.
1107
01:02:59,108 --> 01:03:02,528
I was selling pesticides
with a guy from New Jersey one time
1108
01:03:02,612 --> 01:03:04,864
and he told me he had never been
to the Waffle House.
1109
01:03:04,947 --> 01:03:07,533
I was like,
"All right. Let's go right now."
1110
01:03:08,576 --> 01:03:11,913
'Cause I didn't want to mess around
and let somebody else take him.
1111
01:03:12,789 --> 01:03:15,541
'Cause I like taking people
to the Waffle House for the first time.
1112
01:03:15,625 --> 01:03:18,586
It's a lot of fun for me
to see the excitement on their face.
1113
01:03:19,670 --> 01:03:22,089
We walk in...
I wanted it to be a good experience.
1114
01:03:22,173 --> 01:03:23,424
'Cause he had never been.
1115
01:03:23,508 --> 01:03:26,093
We walk in
and there's an older waitress in there
1116
01:03:26,177 --> 01:03:28,012
and she goes, "Welcome to Waffle House."
1117
01:03:28,095 --> 01:03:29,847
I was like, "How you doing today?"
She goes,
1118
01:03:29,931 --> 01:03:33,476
"I'm tired and I could use a cigarette
but people keep coming in here."
1119
01:03:35,353 --> 01:03:37,814
I was like,
"Boom! That's what I'm talking about."
1120
01:03:39,482 --> 01:03:41,901
"That's the kind of attitude
I"m looking for in here."
1121
01:03:43,486 --> 01:03:45,738
I was excited.
I made eye contact with my friend.
1122
01:03:45,822 --> 01:03:47,740
I'm like, "You see
what's going on in here?
1123
01:03:48,825 --> 01:03:50,827
"This is how we do it
at the Waffle House."
1124
01:03:51,786 --> 01:03:54,705
We sat down and ate, it was very good.
1125
01:03:54,789 --> 01:03:57,583
Right after we ate,
a roach came from under the table,
1126
01:03:57,667 --> 01:03:59,836
ran up my shirt, got about right here.
1127
01:03:59,919 --> 01:04:02,129
I swatted it down.
It hit the table, disappeared.
1128
01:04:02,213 --> 01:04:03,965
I don't know what happened to it.
1129
01:04:04,757 --> 01:04:07,552
Honestly, I couldn't have paid
for a better experience in there.
1130
01:04:08,636 --> 01:04:11,722
'Cause you want to see a roach
once in a while in the Waffle House.
1131
01:04:11,806 --> 01:04:14,684
Just make sure
they're still keeping it organic in there.
1132
01:04:15,393 --> 01:04:17,603
Not using a lot of pesticides in there.
1133
01:04:19,105 --> 01:04:20,439
You want to see it after you eat.
1134
01:04:20,523 --> 01:04:23,359
That way it's like,
"Yeah, I'm nauseous, but I'm full."
1135
01:04:29,907 --> 01:04:31,909
You know... Thank you. And uh...
1136
01:04:33,369 --> 01:04:34,954
Whoo!
1137
01:04:35,037 --> 01:04:36,914
Thank you. That's okay, I don't...-
1138
01:04:36,998 --> 01:04:39,292
Yeah, okay.
1139
01:04:39,375 --> 01:04:41,002
We're losing it and um...
1140
01:04:43,087 --> 01:04:45,423
You know the best thing
about having hair long like this
1141
01:04:45,506 --> 01:04:50,011
is that if I find a hair in my food,
I just assume it's mine.
1142
01:04:50,094 --> 01:04:51,679
I just lift it up like this, I go,
1143
01:04:51,762 --> 01:04:53,723
'Yeah, that's definitely one of mine."
1144
01:04:54,473 --> 01:04:56,934
"I don't know how it got lodged
deep down in that omelette..."
1145
01:05:00,271 --> 01:05:02,064
Definitely one of mine, though.
1146
01:05:03,608 --> 01:05:06,736
Good thing too
or I would have lost my appetite.
1147
01:05:07,862 --> 01:05:10,323
I could eat my own hair.
You know what I mean?
1148
01:05:11,198 --> 01:05:12,617
It's tough to eat hair.
1149
01:05:14,285 --> 01:05:16,162
You ever swallow about half a hair?
1150
01:05:16,871 --> 01:05:19,624
You can't get it down all the way.
1151
01:05:20,750 --> 01:05:23,002
You got to dig it out,
it's like fishing for throw-up.
1152
01:05:23,085 --> 01:05:24,879
You're like, "Ah, ah, ah."
1153
01:05:28,382 --> 01:05:30,843
It is true. I'm sorry I did that,
that's gross.
1154
01:05:34,180 --> 01:05:36,182
One time I was doing comedy in Arkansas,
1155
01:05:36,265 --> 01:05:40,102
I was leaving, driving back to Nashville,
and I wanted to get coffee on the way.
1156
01:05:40,186 --> 01:05:41,604
I was looking for a good coffee.
1157
01:05:41,687 --> 01:05:44,941
But I didn't know any places,
so I typed something into Google,
1158
01:05:45,024 --> 01:05:47,777
and I pulled up to this place
called Cowgirls Coffee.
1159
01:05:47,860 --> 01:05:50,404
I was like,
"That's what I'm talking about."
1160
01:05:50,488 --> 01:05:52,490
I didn't know what
Cowgirls Coffee was at the time,
1161
01:05:52,573 --> 01:05:54,450
but it seemed cool to me.
1162
01:05:54,533 --> 01:05:56,410
I was wearing cowboy boots that day.
1163
01:05:57,411 --> 01:05:59,872
I'm like, "I can't wait
to walk into this place."
1164
01:05:59,956 --> 01:06:03,417
"This is gonna be a great time."
And I'm with a couple of other comics,
1165
01:06:03,501 --> 01:06:06,462
and we pull up to this
old warehouse-looking building.
1166
01:06:06,545 --> 01:06:08,422
And I'm like, "Is this a strip club?"
1167
01:06:09,423 --> 01:06:10,716
And it was a strip club.
1168
01:06:13,469 --> 01:06:17,390
Cowgirls Coffee was a little coffee booth
in the parking lot of the strip club.
1169
01:06:17,473 --> 01:06:21,018
And they were affiliated.
This is not a coincidence.
1170
01:06:22,103 --> 01:06:24,105
So I told my friends,
"Let's just go somewhere else."
1171
01:06:24,188 --> 01:06:26,232
"I don't know what
strip club coffee tastes like."
1172
01:06:26,315 --> 01:06:28,401
Never had it, never been offered to me.
1173
01:06:28,484 --> 01:06:30,069
I never walked into a strip club
1174
01:06:30,152 --> 01:06:32,738
and been, "You know what?
Start me off with a coffee."
1175
01:06:35,408 --> 01:06:37,785
"I'd like to get
a real lay of the land here
1176
01:06:39,036 --> 01:06:41,038
before we get down to business."
1177
01:06:41,539 --> 01:06:44,291
"I'd like to be very alert
throughout this experience."
1178
01:06:47,378 --> 01:06:49,046
I was like, "Let's go somewhere else."
1179
01:06:49,130 --> 01:06:50,798
My friends were like,
"We're already here."
1180
01:06:50,881 --> 01:06:53,217
"Let's just pull up to the booth
and see what they got."
1181
01:06:53,300 --> 01:06:55,302
I was, "All right,
but I don't want coffee here."
1182
01:06:55,386 --> 01:06:58,180
"I want a good cup of coffee,
I'm not trying to get it from here."
1183
01:06:58,264 --> 01:07:00,474
We pull up to the booth
and we can see inside,
1184
01:07:00,558 --> 01:07:03,769
and there's a girl in there,
wearing lingerie, serving coffee.
1185
01:07:04,562 --> 01:07:07,231
And I was like,
"Well, we could get a coffee."
1186
01:07:09,066 --> 01:07:11,235
Like coffee is coffee
at the end of the day.
1187
01:07:12,153 --> 01:07:14,196
Let's not make a big deal about it.
1188
01:07:14,280 --> 01:07:16,240
It's not our last cup of coffee.
1189
01:07:16,323 --> 01:07:19,410
If we don't like it,
we can get another one down the road.
1190
01:07:19,493 --> 01:07:21,912
I was telling them,
"Don't judge the place."
1191
01:07:22,538 --> 01:07:24,999
You don't know what this place
has been through here.
1192
01:07:26,876 --> 01:07:28,669
The girl was like, "What kind of coffee?"
1193
01:07:28,753 --> 01:07:31,005
I was like, "Pour-over."
You know what I mean?
1194
01:07:33,924 --> 01:07:36,635
All right, thank you very much, guys.
I appreciate you.
1195
01:07:36,719 --> 01:07:40,014
{\an8}Thank you very much. You guys are great.
1196
01:07:42,433 --> 01:07:44,060
{\an8}You guys are great. Thank you very much.
1197
01:07:44,769 --> 01:07:45,978
{\an8}I appreciate you.
1198
01:07:49,648 --> 01:07:52,026
{\an8}♪ Started out in Alabama ♪
1199
01:07:52,109 --> 01:07:54,320
{\an8}♪ In a humble single wide ♪
1200
01:07:54,403 --> 01:07:56,947
♪ I heard the wheels a callin' me ♪
1201
01:07:57,031 --> 01:07:58,824
{\an8}♪ I had to say goodbye ♪
1202
01:07:58,908 --> 01:08:03,287
{\an8}♪ From Bakersfield to Brooklyn
And everywhere between ♪
1203
01:08:03,370 --> 01:08:06,373
♪ Now I'm pushing this rig
Back home to Tennessee ♪
1204
01:08:07,666 --> 01:08:08,959
♪ Been workin' hard ♪
1205
01:08:09,585 --> 01:08:11,337
♪ All day and night ♪
1206
01:08:11,879 --> 01:08:15,925
♪ Tryin' to make my way
Turning wrongs to right ♪
1207
01:08:16,425 --> 01:08:18,302
♪ It ain't a simple job ♪
1208
01:08:19,053 --> 01:08:20,513
♪ But I love what I do ♪
1209
01:08:21,514 --> 01:08:24,266
♪ Workin' hard is all
This old boy knows to do ♪
1210
01:08:26,143 --> 01:08:27,103
Hey!
1211
01:08:34,527 --> 01:08:36,195
Now we're having a good time.
1212
01:08:44,995 --> 01:08:47,456
{\an8}What did we find in the pool yesterday?
1213
01:08:48,082 --> 01:08:51,252
{\an8}A big, old humongous frog.
1214
01:08:51,961 --> 01:08:54,547
{\an8}- That big.
- Sure did, didn't we?
1215
01:08:54,630 --> 01:08:58,592
{\an8}Uh-huh. You accidentally
sucked him up and busted him.
1216
01:08:59,468 --> 01:09:02,555
{\an8}Yeah, sucked him up
the pool vacuum.
1217
01:09:03,139 --> 01:09:04,390
{\an8}And then it busted him.
1218
01:09:05,307 --> 01:09:07,017
{\an8}I think he hopped off, didn't he?
1219
01:09:07,726 --> 01:09:08,602
{\an8}Uh-huh.
1220
01:09:10,729 --> 01:09:13,691
{\an8}Okay, we can go in
and play Old Maid cards.
103102
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.