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1
00:00:04,629 --> 00:00:06,381
-Your Honor,
Mr. Crane is charged
2
00:00:06,423 --> 00:00:08,425
with disorderly conduct
after forcing his way
3
00:00:08,466 --> 00:00:09,718
into the kitchen at Chez Louie
4
00:00:09,759 --> 00:00:12,554
and demanding
to sanitize his dishes.
5
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,140
-Disorderly conduct?
6
00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:17,559
As a man with OCD,
my client is incapable
7
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:20,437
of being disorderly,
according to these five
8
00:00:20,478 --> 00:00:23,106
hermetically sealed
doctor's notes.
9
00:00:24,232 --> 00:00:26,276
-Humanity is in
a silent war with germs,
10
00:00:26,317 --> 00:00:27,694
and we're losing.
11
00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:28,903
Losing!
12
00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:31,823
-Mr. Crane,
only the Board of Health
13
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,700
is allowed to burst
into a kitchen unannounced,
14
00:00:33,742 --> 00:00:36,411
and even they would frown
upon Windexing vegetables.
15
00:00:37,412 --> 00:00:39,581
Hm, $100 fine
and community ser--
16
00:00:39,622 --> 00:00:41,249
Where is my gavel?
17
00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:44,961
-[ Gavel bangs ]
-You smell good.
18
00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:48,089
Like a dirty martini
with a Lemon Pledge twist.
19
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:52,218
-Up next, the people
versus Clark Everett.
20
00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:56,556
Y-- Ah, Sorry, Judge.
My knees are killing me!
21
00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:58,767
I play catcher
in "Damn Yankees."
22
00:00:58,808 --> 00:01:00,435
Well, it's my church's
production,
23
00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:02,520
so it's "Dang Yankees."
24
00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:04,689
-Well, put 'er there.
25
00:01:05,482 --> 00:01:07,025
-Your honor,
with all due respect
26
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:10,028
to Nathan Lame over there...
27
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,988
isn't it time we got ourselves
a permanent clerk?
28
00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:14,616
Or at least one who's not in
a play that is so off-Broadway
29
00:01:14,657 --> 00:01:17,827
it is no longer
technically theater?
30
00:01:17,869 --> 00:01:20,789
-Actually, we're not
off Broadway or on Broadway.
31
00:01:20,830 --> 00:01:22,457
We're under it.
32
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,752
-No one wants a killer clerk
more than me,
33
00:01:25,794 --> 00:01:28,171
but with budget cuts,
there's been a hiring freeze.
34
00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:30,090
-[ Groans ]
-Also a coffee-cup freeze.
35
00:01:30,131 --> 00:01:31,758
We have to bring mugs
from home now.
36
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,677
Made it for my mom
in fifth grade.
37
00:01:33,718 --> 00:01:36,096
She asked if we could
turn it back into clay
38
00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:38,640
because at least clay
has potential.
39
00:01:38,682 --> 00:01:41,601
-Uh, it's not so bad.
We're making it work.
40
00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:42,769
[ Thud ]
41
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,813
[ People gasp ]
42
00:01:44,854 --> 00:01:47,482
Also, to save money, they put
our lights on a motion detector
43
00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:50,193
that doesn't detect motion.
44
00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:52,320
Alright, everybody!
Headlamps!
45
00:01:57,659 --> 00:02:00,328
-Let the record show
it isthat bad!
46
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:08,420
**
47
00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:09,713
-So, what are we looking for?
48
00:02:09,754 --> 00:02:12,007
Because if it's rats,
we can stop.
49
00:02:13,008 --> 00:02:15,719
-They cut our handcuff budget,
so I need duct tape.
50
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:17,595
Of course, they do it
after the holidays
51
00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:21,266
when everyone's all bloated
with thick wrists.
52
00:02:21,307 --> 00:02:23,226
-What is Joltron Cola?
53
00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:25,979
-[ Gasps ] Joltron!
I remember this!
54
00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:28,857
It has enough caffeine
to kill a horse andrevive it.
55
00:02:28,898 --> 00:02:31,151
[ Chuckles ]
You never heard of Joltron?
56
00:02:31,192 --> 00:02:33,653
-Growing up, I didn't hear
about a lot of stuff, Gurgs.
57
00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:36,239
I was too focused
on dominating my peers.
58
00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:39,200
I'm personally responsible
for four nervous breakdowns --
59
00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:42,120
three classmates, one tutor.
60
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,663
So this stuff was popular, huh?
61
00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:45,623
-Joltron used to
fly off the shelves.
62
00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:49,336
That was before it was blamed
for the 1997 Summer of Sprees --
63
00:02:49,377 --> 00:02:51,838
carjacking, streaking,
naked carjacking.
64
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,465
It's Florida in a can.
65
00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:56,509
-You know, the budget cuts
66
00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:58,178
took away all the drinks
in the cafeteria.
67
00:02:58,219 --> 00:03:01,806
I bet we could sell this stuff.
Just need a company name.
68
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:04,351
-Moore and Gurgs.
We could be Morgues.
69
00:03:04,392 --> 00:03:06,436
"You'll die
when you see our prices!"
70
00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:09,105
-Whoo-hoo!
This is gonna be fun!
71
00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:12,025
-Let's get these upstairs.
Uh, I'll clean out this cooler.
72
00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:13,651
-[ Rats squeaking ]
-Nope.
73
00:03:17,238 --> 00:03:19,532
-Hey, there...Linda.
I'm Judge Stone.
74
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:20,825
And I'm here with a petition
75
00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:22,452
to have my court's budget
reinstated.
76
00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:23,870
-Take a number.
77
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,713
Fifty-five!
78
00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:37,050
-That's me. Ah.
79
00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:39,969
I just want you to know that
I really respect this process.
80
00:03:40,011 --> 00:03:43,056
Every bubble, every box
is important to me
81
00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:45,183
because it's important to you.
82
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,810
-Denied.
83
00:03:48,144 --> 00:03:50,605
-Denied?!
That must be a mistake!
84
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:54,401
-Oh, we're the government.
We don't make mistakes.
85
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,404
But your petition
had quite a few.
86
00:03:57,445 --> 00:04:00,615
Page ten, section F oval
was toofilled in,
87
00:04:00,657 --> 00:04:02,951
as if done with resentment.
88
00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:06,996
Box C3 needed to be completed
in blue ink,
89
00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:09,416
but your ink had a violet hue.
90
00:04:09,457 --> 00:04:11,543
-It's called Blurple.
91
00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,378
-And since this is
an even-numbered day,
92
00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:16,548
the L9 is invalid
without the X8.
93
00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:18,299
-You need that X8.
94
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:21,761
-Okay, okay, well, I'm sure
that I can fix every --
95
00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:24,097
-And since this would be
your second appeal,
96
00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:28,059
you need to fill out
a different set of forms.
97
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:30,061
In triplicate.
98
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,980
-Three times.
99
00:04:32,022 --> 00:04:34,107
-Once received,
you'll have your answer
100
00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:36,651
within 6 to 70 business days.
101
00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:38,987
Be aware we work off
the Swedish calendar,
102
00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:41,656
so our weekends
are most of the week.
103
00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:45,535
-Now, you have a tough job.
104
00:04:45,577 --> 00:04:47,954
It must be hard to say no
all the time.
105
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:49,831
-Oh, I manage.
106
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:54,919
-I'm gonna get you
to use that "yes" stamp.
107
00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:59,090
Wow. That web was made
by generations of spiders.
108
00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:01,968
-Fifty-six!
109
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,762
-[ Sighs ]
110
00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:08,266
Still me.
111
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,602
Look. I'm sure there are things
we could do without,
112
00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:12,270
but a clerk is not one of them!
113
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:16,274
-So you're saying there are
more things you can do without?
114
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:19,611
Here's your "yes" --
to another audit!
115
00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:21,654
-Who says "yes" to a bad thing?!
116
00:05:21,696 --> 00:05:25,408
La-la-la-Liinnddaaa!
117
00:05:26,368 --> 00:05:27,494
-Fifty-seven!
118
00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:34,918
-That's it! These budget cuts
have gone too far!
119
00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:39,714
-You know, I don't even miss
spoons and knives.
120
00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:42,676
I'm getting used to
forking my borscht.
121
00:05:42,717 --> 00:05:45,804
-What?
That's not about me.
122
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:48,223
Look at my shoe!
123
00:05:48,264 --> 00:05:49,557
They're scuffed!
124
00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:52,560
The bastards
took my shoeshine stand away!
125
00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:53,853
I don't mind
the lights going out.
126
00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:55,480
I don't need to
look at you people.
127
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:57,399
But this!
128
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,943
I look like
a school administrator.
129
00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:03,905
-Worst part is
it happened out of the blue
130
00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:06,533
and not because
of anyone's actions!
131
00:06:09,244 --> 00:06:10,995
-What the fork did you do?
132
00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:13,415
-Only everything right!
133
00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:15,542
I went to City Hall,
I took a number,
134
00:06:15,583 --> 00:06:17,752
and "Linda" still denied
every request.
135
00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:20,964
She didn't like blurple, Dan.
Blurple.
136
00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:25,260
-Hey. You done with the fork?
-Oh, yeah.
137
00:06:25,301 --> 00:06:26,720
I'm gonna need it back.
138
00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:30,473
Dan, it's gonna be fine.
139
00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:32,100
I just have to do
some more paperwork,
140
00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:34,144
and it should all be fixed
before news of the exterminator
141
00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:35,520
being cut gets to the...
142
00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:38,189
-[ Crunch ]
-...roaches.
143
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:41,609
-Alright. You know what? I'm
gonna take care of this myself.
144
00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:43,403
They say you can't fight
City Hall.
145
00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:45,530
Well...
146
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:47,240
I'm not gonna fight.
147
00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:51,661
-[ Knock on door ]
-Take a number.
148
00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:54,706
-How about 12?
149
00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:59,127
-Bryant, put these
in the leak bucket.
150
00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:01,212
The water's brown,
but it's fine.
151
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:03,798
-[ Splash ]
-So what brings youhere?
152
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:06,134
-Fate. Linda means "beauty"
in Spanish.
153
00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:09,554
And now I can tell
that your face is fluent.
154
00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:11,514
-And you are...?
155
00:07:11,556 --> 00:07:13,975
-Dan Fielding. At your service.
156
00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:16,144
You know, I did come down here
to talk about the courthouse,
157
00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:18,313
but now I think
I'm more interested
158
00:07:18,355 --> 00:07:20,273
in a courtship.
159
00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:22,901
Con tu, señorita.
160
00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:26,488
-I see.
161
00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:28,656
Bryant, make yourself busy.
162
00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:30,325
-Copy that.
163
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:31,785
Lights on or off?
164
00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:34,704
-On. On.
Leave the light on. On. On.
165
00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:38,458
-Dan Fielding, is it?
166
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:39,834
You thought
you could come in here
167
00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:42,295
like some stretched-out
Wolf Blitzer...
168
00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:45,757
...wave some flowers around,
169
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,467
give the basement lady
some attention,
170
00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:49,260
and get what you want?
171
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,388
-Yeah, pretty much about it.
172
00:07:51,429 --> 00:07:53,390
-You live on West 86th.
173
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:56,017
That's the block with
24-hour construction, right?
174
00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:58,019
-No. No, no.
There's no construction.
175
00:07:58,061 --> 00:07:59,979
-There is now.
176
00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:03,024
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Please. Leave my street alone.
177
00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:05,110
I have family you can hurt.
178
00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:08,530
-Now...let's talk about
179
00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:10,573
what you can reallydo for me.
180
00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:14,911
-La-la-la-Liinnddaaa!
181
00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:18,790
-Well, spoons are back,
the lights are on,
182
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,166
and your shoes are blinding.
183
00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:23,044
-Yeah. That's right.
Saved the day. As usual.
184
00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:25,255
I look forward
to my thank-you gift.
185
00:08:25,296 --> 00:08:27,257
[Hushed] Cash.
186
00:08:27,298 --> 00:08:28,758
-How'd you do it?
187
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,719
-Well, I just embraced
America's favorite pastime.
188
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,095
A little gentle finagling.
189
00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:34,514
Even managed
to get you a new clerk.
190
00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:35,682
[ Pounding ]
191
00:08:35,724 --> 00:08:37,350
-Is it court time?
192
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,270
-Linda's assistant?
193
00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:41,771
-Oh, no. Much more
than Linda's assistant.
194
00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:43,523
He's also her son.
195
00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:45,775
Turns out he's been having
a little trouble finding himself
196
00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:48,111
since he took his gap decade.
197
00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:51,031
-This is nepotism. One of
my least favorite -isms.
198
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:54,409
-And your dad was
an ice-road trucker, huh?
199
00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:56,870
You know what? You're the only
one not happy about this.
200
00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:59,122
-Who the hell got soda
put back in the cafeteria?
201
00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:02,667
-You're welcome.
-"You're welcome" blocked!
202
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:04,753
Did it ever occur to you
that two work friends
203
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:06,755
might be launching
a beverage consortium?
204
00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:08,131
-You killed
our semi-legal business
205
00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:11,968
selling semi-lethal soda,
and we are full mad.
206
00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:14,387
-You know what? You guys are
just jealous that my way worked.
207
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:15,764
-Your way didn't work.
208
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,390
If it did, we'd have
a real clerk right now.
209
00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:19,768
-For all we know, he could be
the next great legal mind.
210
00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:21,644
Just needs a little molding.
-You're right.
211
00:09:21,686 --> 00:09:25,106
I shouldn't judge a book by
the fact that it's all pictures.
212
00:09:25,857 --> 00:09:27,942
Bryant? Bryant!
213
00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:30,362
-I'm Bryant, the new clerk!
214
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,905
-Hi. I'm Judge Abby Stone.
215
00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:35,033
-Hold on. I'm about to do
a really important jump.
216
00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:39,037
-[ Chuckles ]
So much to mold.
217
00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:48,880
-Man, people are still
buying this stuff
218
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:51,216
even though the drinks are back.
-Money on the table.
219
00:09:58,223 --> 00:10:01,685
-One woman drank two cans and
tried to fight a cement wall.
220
00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:03,895
She won.
221
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,231
-That's a great story,
but you got to get back to work.
222
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:10,026
And the next time there's
a wall fight, charge to watch.
223
00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:11,778
-Well, okay.
I'll get back to it.
224
00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:13,530
"Morgues" on three.
-There's no time, Gurgs.
225
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:16,074
"Morgues" on one. One.
You missed it. Go.
226
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,283
-Morgues!
227
00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:21,955
-Okay, Bryant,
let's try this one more time.
228
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:24,290
How do we get you
to care about the law?
229
00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:26,084
Um, what about...
230
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:29,170
the law isn't all that different
from a video game.
231
00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:31,965
-I freaking love video games!
There's this one I play --
232
00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:33,883
-Okay. Okay. Great.
Let's go with that.
233
00:10:33,925 --> 00:10:36,011
Video games
are just like the law.
234
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,929
There are rules
that we have to navigate.
235
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:40,640
-And you can kill
as many people as you want.
236
00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:42,392
-You can't, though.
237
00:10:42,434 --> 00:10:44,227
What are some other things
you care about?
238
00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:46,479
Oh! Your mom! Your mom!
You care about your mom, right?
239
00:10:46,521 --> 00:10:50,025
-I'm not a mama's boy.
I've had sex!
240
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,528
-What does that
have to do with anything?!
241
00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:56,656
Why am I trying
to make this work?
242
00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:58,324
-Because you're my mentor.
243
00:10:58,366 --> 00:11:00,827
-Is that what you think
is happening right now?
244
00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:02,579
-Well, yeah.
My mom's not around.
245
00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:05,040
I need someone
to tell me what to do.
246
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:12,255
-I would love to be your mentor,
but, ugh, I just can't!
247
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:13,923
Err!
248
00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:15,717
-Because I make more money
than you.
249
00:11:15,759 --> 00:11:17,844
-No, that's not --
Wait. Do you?!
250
00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:21,264
I have got the most perfect
mentor for you.
251
00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:23,808
Don't change a thing.
You're gonna drive him crazy.
252
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:26,436
I-I mean,
he's gonna be crazy about you.
253
00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:30,440
-Dan.
-No.
254
00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:34,778
-What qualities would you say
you're looking for
255
00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:39,032
in a mentee of 41 who's had sex?
256
00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:42,577
-Who told you to do this?
257
00:11:42,619 --> 00:11:45,830
-The little one
with the cape on backwards.
258
00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:49,292
-Well, in that case,
my advice to this
259
00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:52,671
sexually active young man
would be to go take a flying --
260
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,547
-Hey, Mom!
261
00:11:54,589 --> 00:11:56,758
-I came by to support my --
262
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:58,134
No one's buying this.
263
00:11:58,176 --> 00:12:00,303
I'm just here to make sure
that this jackass
264
00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:03,098
is taking care of my jackass.
265
00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:05,475
-She worries.
266
00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:08,144
I was bullied a lot
by my college for plagiarizing.
267
00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:11,940
-Took one form to turn
that campus into a DMV.
268
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:14,359
Most of the professors
still work there.
269
00:12:18,029 --> 00:12:20,573
-So, Dan, what was your advice?
270
00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:23,201
-My advice would be
271
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:25,829
for you to find a mentor,
272
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:30,667
which you have and I love doing.
273
00:12:30,709 --> 00:12:32,502
-You're my mentor.
274
00:12:32,544 --> 00:12:35,380
No. Man-tor!
275
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:38,383
No. Dan-tor!
276
00:12:39,718 --> 00:12:41,428
-This warms my heart.
277
00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:43,680
Come, let's go get you
a Cutie orange.
278
00:12:43,722 --> 00:12:46,016
-And I'm peeling it!
-No!
279
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:51,438
-I think 20 years
has made the soda stronger.
280
00:12:54,065 --> 00:12:56,943
-Wow.
We really cornered the market.
281
00:12:56,985 --> 00:12:59,195
And Flobert is
an incredible salesman.
282
00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:02,032
-Hey, man.
You want to touch the sky?
283
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,202
-Flobert's a part
of our thing now?
284
00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:08,246
You're just gonna let him
dance in on our profits?
285
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,874
You think he can twirl?!
He's got bad knees!
286
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:13,043
-Well, his knees
have been good enough
287
00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:15,420
to tap-dance
all over your sales numbers.
288
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:18,006
Maybe you need to
step up your game, Gurgs.
289
00:13:18,048 --> 00:13:19,549
-You better watch out.
290
00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:21,593
I wasn't originally cast
as the catcher.
291
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:25,638
The guy who was caught a one-way
ticket down a flight of stairs.
292
00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:31,895
-How's your new buddy
working out?
293
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:34,230
-Oh. Oh. G-Great.
294
00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:36,608
Uh, the questions, the bonding.
295
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,318
The orange peeling --
296
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:41,071
because if he does it, he rubs
his eyes, and then it's all,
297
00:13:41,112 --> 00:13:44,115
"It burns! Danny, it burns!"
298
00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:46,826
-I just love seeing this.
299
00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:48,536
You two are in it
for the long haul.
300
00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:51,831
And the U-Haul. He said he was
gonna ask you to help him move.
301
00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:56,211
-Well, like the hand that
Bryant got stuck in his mouth
302
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:59,297
when he was eating that orange,
I'm all-in.
303
00:14:00,715 --> 00:14:02,926
-Alright, Bryant,
let's get this show on the road.
304
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:04,260
-Sure thing, Judge.
305
00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:08,515
Just gotta fold my newspaper
like my Dan-tor.
306
00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:15,271
Uh, Dan, it's bullying me.
307
00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:17,190
-I told you it's simple.
You close the door.
308
00:14:17,232 --> 00:14:20,360
Shut the window.
Fold the menu. Tuck!
309
00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:24,531
-Dan, it's just a newspaper.
310
00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:26,116
There's a lot of ways
to fold them.
311
00:14:26,157 --> 00:14:28,034
-Oh, you know there's not.
312
00:14:29,411 --> 00:14:31,913
-Next up, the people versus
313
00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:33,790
[Giggling]
Mrs. Lipschitz?
314
00:14:33,832 --> 00:14:35,333
Oh, my God! Is that for real?!
315
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:38,878
Dan, your client
is named Lipschitz!
316
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:41,631
-I know. Permission to approach.
317
00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:44,467
You did this on purpose.
318
00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:47,303
-I only fixed the first couple.
Then I got lucky.
319
00:14:47,345 --> 00:14:50,140
A fight broke out
at the Wiener family reunion.
320
00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:54,602
-Your Honor, my client...
-Mrs. Lipschitz.
321
00:14:54,644 --> 00:14:57,105
-[ Giggles ]
You got to stop saying it.
322
00:14:58,189 --> 00:14:59,649
-Bryant, it's only a name.
323
00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:02,610
Like Rod Sackhoff
or Dick Butkus.
324
00:15:02,652 --> 00:15:04,487
-[Giggling]
I'm sorry, Your Honor,
325
00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:07,782
but you're picking, like,
all the worst ones!
326
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,993
-The defendant is charged
with reckless driving.
327
00:15:10,035 --> 00:15:11,828
-On a Rascal scooter.
328
00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:14,289
Could we just please
let this go with a warning
329
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:17,000
and not say
the defendant's name again?
330
00:15:17,042 --> 00:15:18,668
-Sure. Case dismissed.
331
00:15:19,377 --> 00:15:21,254
Thanks for being a good sport,
Mrs. Lipschitz.
332
00:15:21,296 --> 00:15:23,423
-[ Snorts ] Every time.
333
00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:26,176
-It's actually
a huge improvement
334
00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:28,011
over my maiden name.
335
00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:29,763
I was Geraldine --
336
00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:31,222
-Don't!
337
00:15:32,223 --> 00:15:34,267
-Whisper it to me. I gotta know.
338
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:39,481
-[ Clears throat ] Your Honor,
I have to apologize
339
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,691
for letting that name
get the best of me.
340
00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:43,401
I'll try to be better.
341
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:47,364
I'm a guy
who reads newspapers now.
342
00:15:47,405 --> 00:15:49,949
-Why don't you take some time
to collect yourself?
343
00:15:49,991 --> 00:15:51,785
Five-minute recess!
344
00:15:51,826 --> 00:15:53,661
[ Cellphone rings ]
345
00:15:55,914 --> 00:15:58,500
-You gave him my cell number!
346
00:15:58,541 --> 00:16:01,461
-He has to be able
to reach his mentor 24/7.
347
00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:03,296
And I know you're not gonna
throw out your phone
348
00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:05,882
because you love that picture
of you and Phil Collins.
349
00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:07,550
[ Cellphone ringing ]
350
00:16:07,592 --> 00:16:09,552
-Bye, Phil.
351
00:16:09,594 --> 00:16:11,763
-[ Crunch ]
-[ Ringing stops ]
352
00:16:11,805 --> 00:16:14,182
-Alright. I've had enough.
Make it stop, or I'm gonna
353
00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:23,441
-Alright. We need a plan.
The kid has got to go.
354
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,278
But if we cross his mother,
she's gonna turn
355
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,280
my apartment building
into a septic tank
356
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:30,782
with a view of the park.
357
00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:32,951
-[Excitedly] Dan, I couldn't
figure it out either.
358
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,954
Then Flobert sold me
this $9 can of ideas.
359
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,372
Now I got tons of 'em!
360
00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:40,250
"Shark Tank" ideas, shoe ideas,
TV-show ideas!
361
00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:42,919
Get this --
King. Kong's. Family.
362
00:16:42,961 --> 00:16:44,462
[ Imitates explosion ]
363
00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:48,091
-Doomed. Got it.
-No. Hey! No, no! Don't go!
364
00:16:48,133 --> 00:16:50,468
You haven't heard my idea of how
we're gonna get rid of him.
365
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,679
You and I work together.
-I think I'd rather watch
366
00:16:52,721 --> 00:16:55,640
a whole season
of "King Kong's Family."
367
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,476
-We can beat Linda
at her own game.
368
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:01,062
I-I mean, with my form-filling
skills and your ability
369
00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:03,648
to cynically nitpick,
we'll leave no loop unholed!
370
00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:06,568
Dan, I've seen the future.
This works.
371
00:17:06,609 --> 00:17:09,320
Also, I'll have
four kids and a bob.
372
00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:11,698
-You got all of that
from one can?
373
00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,658
-Yeah. Just don't ask me
how you die.
374
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,744
Promise me
you'll never go to Nevada.
375
00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:17,746
-[ Stammers ]
376
00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:19,122
"May cause..."
377
00:17:19,164 --> 00:17:20,915
What's "fire brain"?
378
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,085
-I think
we're about to find out.
379
00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:25,253
-I -- I --
380
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:26,546
Well, well.
381
00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:29,883
See you up there.
382
00:17:33,345 --> 00:17:35,513
-Poor faster, Sandy!
383
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,349
-What are you doing down here?
384
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:39,142
-Oh, well,
we're out of fight juice,
385
00:17:39,184 --> 00:17:40,643
so I'm making my own.
386
00:17:40,685 --> 00:17:42,687
Coffee brewed with Mr. Pibb
instead of water.
387
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:45,398
The can seals itself. It's
a side effect of the chemicals.
388
00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,692
Science is cool! I know, right?
389
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,527
-How much of that have you had?
390
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:51,946
I can hear your heartbeat
through your mouth.
391
00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:53,531
-Well, I-I gotta keep up
392
00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:55,158
so you don't replace me
with Flobert.
393
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,494
I don't hear pouring, Sandy!
394
00:17:58,661 --> 00:18:01,247
-Oh, God. I did this.
[ Gasps ]
395
00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:04,417
I made you Florida in a person.
396
00:18:04,459 --> 00:18:06,419
-Nah. I'm good.
397
00:18:06,461 --> 00:18:08,421
I'm stepping up my game.
We're making money.
398
00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:10,924
I can move things
with my mind now.
399
00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:15,804
Nah, everything in here
is too heavy.
400
00:18:15,845 --> 00:18:17,097
-Uh, you know what?
401
00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:19,224
Caused a lot of nervous
breakdowns in my life,
402
00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:22,727
but this is the first one
I feel bad about.
403
00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:25,647
It's time to shut this down.
-Oh, thank God. Whew!
404
00:18:25,689 --> 00:18:27,565
Maybe we can get back
to doing fun things.
405
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:30,068
[ Gasps ]
Let's go to the hospital.
406
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,569
My fingernails are sweating.
407
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:32,696
-Oh!
408
00:18:32,737 --> 00:18:36,908
**
409
00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:38,743
[ Bones cracking ]
410
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:44,249
**
411
00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:47,335
-Oh! Bup-bup-bup-bup!
No blurple!
412
00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:48,628
-[ Gasps ]
413
00:18:48,670 --> 00:18:51,464
**
414
00:18:51,506 --> 00:18:53,091
-The fine print
on this one says,
415
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:55,760
"Everything you're writing
means the opposite."
416
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,763
[ Groans ] Run it back.
Run it back!
417
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,015
-Ungh!
418
00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:05,020
**
419
00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:10,066
**
420
00:19:10,108 --> 00:19:11,901
-Aah! Aah! Aah!
421
00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:13,611
-No pain! No pain!
422
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,822
-Straighten out,
or I'll cut you off!
423
00:19:15,864 --> 00:19:17,073
-Get -- Yeah.
424
00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:22,287
**
425
00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:26,624
-Lind-a-a-a-a-a!
426
00:19:27,542 --> 00:19:28,752
Good day, Linda.
427
00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:30,545
-I don't remember
calling your number.
428
00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:32,505
-We have all the numbers.
429
00:19:33,798 --> 00:19:36,634
We're also here filing
on behalf of the court.
430
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:40,096
Bryant! That's your cue, baby.
431
00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:43,016
-Mom, don't be alarmed. It's me.
432
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:47,687
-I think you'll find
that this paperwork is flawless.
433
00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:51,441
-"Flawless." That's a big word.
434
00:19:51,483 --> 00:19:54,819
Wait. These are beautiful!
435
00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:57,989
Forms! Subforms! Addendums!
436
00:19:58,031 --> 00:20:01,493
You even found applications
that are no longer in print!
437
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,328
-I hired a TaskRabbit
to infiltrate
438
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:04,829
the Library
of Discontinued Documents
439
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:06,623
in Little Serbia
out on Randall's Island.
440
00:20:06,664 --> 00:20:09,209
It was almost too easy.
441
00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:11,086
-This is undeniable.
442
00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:13,463
I have no choice but to say yes.
443
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:16,174
And yet...
444
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:18,551
saying no is who I am!
445
00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:22,472
Without that, I'm nothing!
446
00:20:22,514 --> 00:20:23,848
-Go with it, Linda.
447
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:26,226
Feel that "yes"
flowing through your body.
448
00:20:26,267 --> 00:20:28,478
-Huh...
449
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,980
I...did it!
450
00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:34,818
-It was the table,
but it's a start.
451
00:20:34,859 --> 00:20:36,945
-Uh, there is one more form.
452
00:20:36,986 --> 00:20:38,697
-It's an XQ-14B.
453
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:42,617
-An XQ-14B? You're firing me?
454
00:20:42,659 --> 00:20:44,994
But I'm in suit clothes.
455
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:48,665
-Bryant, you weren't
happy up there,
456
00:20:48,707 --> 00:20:50,000
and you don't need our approval.
457
00:20:50,041 --> 00:20:53,086
-And you would never
have gotten it.
458
00:20:53,128 --> 00:20:54,879
-I think there is a person
in this room
459
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:57,215
whose approval you doneed.
460
00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:59,467
Linda, if you could say "yes"
to those forms,
461
00:20:59,509 --> 00:21:02,762
I think you could say "yes"
to something even more special.
462
00:21:08,184 --> 00:21:10,729
-Oh.
463
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:12,731
-Does it say "approved"?
464
00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:15,108
-Well, kinda.
Your head's pretty greasy.
465
00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:19,946
-And that's the power
of a "yes"!
466
00:21:19,988 --> 00:21:24,075
-Dan, I know
this feelslike goodbye...
467
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:26,745
-Oh, Bryant.
It's absolutely goodbye.
468
00:21:30,999 --> 00:21:32,500
It's funny!
32590
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