Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,724 --> 00:00:03,642
-Ten bucks says that lady
clears it, no problem.
2
00:00:03,682 --> 00:00:05,470
-What? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm in.
3
00:00:05,510 --> 00:00:06,929
Because she's got
courthouse sushi.
4
00:00:06,969 --> 00:00:09,845
She's not playing
with a full deck.
5
00:00:09,885 --> 00:00:11,869
- What are you guys doing?
- They just cleaned the door.
6
00:00:11,893 --> 00:00:13,577
We're betting on who
can tell the difference
7
00:00:13,601 --> 00:00:15,759
between glass and
air. You want in?
8
00:00:15,809 --> 00:00:17,823
-Hey! None of that. It's
the new clerk's first night.
9
00:00:17,847 --> 00:00:19,305
I want to make a
good impression.
10
00:00:19,345 --> 00:00:21,223
Wyatt is just what
we're looking for.
11
00:00:21,263 --> 00:00:23,851
He's a law student. He has
a lot of life experience,
12
00:00:23,891 --> 00:00:25,848
And I'm just gonna say
it... the guy is cool.
13
00:00:25,888 --> 00:00:27,517
-You don't get to
say what's cool.
14
00:00:27,557 --> 00:00:30,763
I've heard you say "yikes,"
"yoinks," and "yowzers"
15
00:00:30,803 --> 00:00:33,640
while dropping the same cookie.
16
00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:36,717
-Well, tonight I am
a human chill pill.
17
00:00:36,767 --> 00:00:39,094
Aah! That's him! Okay!
Everybody make him feel welcome.
18
00:00:39,134 --> 00:00:41,302
Dan, smile! But maybe
don't show teeth!
19
00:00:41,342 --> 00:00:43,326
It's too late! He can hear
everything! Just follow your heart!
20
00:00:43,350 --> 00:00:45,258
-As someone who took
chill pills in the '80s,
21
00:00:45,308 --> 00:00:47,845
you need a new dealer.
22
00:00:47,885 --> 00:00:49,803
-Nice to see you
again, judge Stone.
23
00:00:49,843 --> 00:00:52,011
Thanks for the incredibly
detailed directions,
24
00:00:52,051 --> 00:00:53,349
down to the step.
25
00:00:53,389 --> 00:00:56,965
Now I see why shoe size
came up in our interview.
26
00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:58,843
-Do I know you from somewhere?
27
00:00:58,883 --> 00:01:02,140
-Oh, yeah. Trader
Joe's, 14th Street.
28
00:01:02,180 --> 00:01:03,678
I used to work the
sample station.
29
00:01:03,718 --> 00:01:05,596
You're the lady who loops
around like six times
30
00:01:05,636 --> 00:01:07,175
for salsa shots then leaves.
31
00:01:07,215 --> 00:01:09,422
-Nope. Never mind.
Never seen you.
32
00:01:09,472 --> 00:01:12,179
-I've probably run into
all of you at some point.
33
00:01:12,219 --> 00:01:13,508
I've had a million jobs.
34
00:01:13,548 --> 00:01:15,676
Spin instructor, hotel bellhop.
35
00:01:15,715 --> 00:01:18,762
For a while, I fixed
granddaughter clocks.
36
00:01:18,802 --> 00:01:20,680
There wasn't much of a market.
37
00:01:21,759 --> 00:01:23,887
But I'm really
excited to be here.
38
00:01:23,927 --> 00:01:25,805
-Who wouldn't be? You
know, on the one hand,
39
00:01:25,845 --> 00:01:27,513
I mean, the money's
not very good,
40
00:01:27,553 --> 00:01:28,842
but then on the other hand,
41
00:01:28,882 --> 00:01:31,888
this will do nothing
for your career.
42
00:01:31,928 --> 00:01:34,426
-Don't listen to him.
You're gonna love it here.
43
00:01:34,466 --> 00:01:37,842
It's just a breezy, fun,
totally normal place to work.
44
00:01:37,882 --> 00:01:40,679
-We've been hacked! I
repeat! We've been hacked!
45
00:01:40,719 --> 00:01:42,087
Hand off your devices!
46
00:01:42,137 --> 00:01:43,772
Don't worry! I have my
whistle!
47
00:01:43,796 --> 00:01:45,674
-No, a whistle is
the cue for the...
48
00:01:55,713 --> 00:01:57,103
-Very chill.
49
00:02:03,064 --> 00:02:05,128
-We're locked out of the
server and our e-mails.
50
00:02:05,168 --> 00:02:07,956
Well, every time I refresh,
I just get that "bonk" sound.
51
00:02:07,996 --> 00:02:09,495
Bonk.
52
00:02:09,545 --> 00:02:12,294
Bonk. Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk!
53
00:02:12,334 --> 00:02:14,252
-You know, it's sad how
helpless you all are
54
00:02:14,292 --> 00:02:16,961
without your beep-boops
and porn cubes.
55
00:02:17,001 --> 00:02:20,378
Oh! What ever shall we do
without our precious computers?
56
00:02:20,418 --> 00:02:23,217
We might actually have
to have a conversation.
57
00:02:23,257 --> 00:02:24,926
-I would love to
have a conversation.
58
00:02:24,966 --> 00:02:26,385
-Ugh. Abby, not now!
59
00:02:26,425 --> 00:02:30,012
We've got to figure out
this computer thing!
60
00:02:30,052 --> 00:02:31,921
-Isn't there an I.T.
guy who can fix this?
61
00:02:31,971 --> 00:02:33,840
-The I.T. department
isn't open at night.
62
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:36,219
We do have an "It" department,
but it's just a clown
63
00:02:36,259 --> 00:02:39,137
who smells like a sewer and says
our fear makes him stronger.
64
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:43,094
-What's that sound?
65
00:02:43,134 --> 00:02:45,183
-It can't be. What... It...
66
00:02:48,641 --> 00:02:50,270
It is!
67
00:02:50,310 --> 00:02:52,478
- Is that a fax machine?
- Oh, yeah.
68
00:02:52,518 --> 00:02:55,646
They put them in 10 years
ago to modernize the place.
69
00:02:57,355 --> 00:02:59,854
-It's a list of demands
from the hacker.
70
00:02:59,894 --> 00:03:01,933
He's gonna leak all our
personal information
71
00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:04,271
unless the defendant in
the sixth case tonight
72
00:03:04,311 --> 00:03:05,560
is found guilty.
73
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:07,309
-What's the sixth case?
74
00:03:08,478 --> 00:03:10,977
-Oh! That's me.
75
00:03:11,027 --> 00:03:13,945
Criminal Mischief. Code 17-3.
76
00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:17,863
Destruction of a hotel
room by a non-musician.
77
00:03:17,903 --> 00:03:19,272
-I don't care what it is.
78
00:03:19,322 --> 00:03:21,780
Abby Stone does not
negotiate with terrorists.
79
00:03:21,820 --> 00:03:25,278
Or the cable company.
Nobody wants Starz.
80
00:03:25,318 --> 00:03:27,616
-Oh. Look at her go.
81
00:03:27,656 --> 00:03:29,365
The curves of the Buick LeSabre,
82
00:03:29,405 --> 00:03:30,784
the aroma...
83
00:03:30,824 --> 00:03:33,363
of ink that you didn't
know could kill you.
84
00:03:35,611 --> 00:03:37,200
-"No police. I'm
not messing around."
85
00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:39,489
And then there's a
picture of someone dressed
86
00:03:39,529 --> 00:03:41,408
as a high-school mascot.
87
00:03:41,448 --> 00:03:43,457
The "Westview Goblin."
88
00:03:43,497 --> 00:03:44,802
Actually, it kind
of looks like...
89
00:03:44,826 --> 00:03:46,245
-No! It's not possible!
90
00:03:46,285 --> 00:03:49,663
The only known copy
is on my... phone.
91
00:03:49,703 --> 00:03:52,621
-So the hacker's in
our personal devices.
92
00:03:52,661 --> 00:03:54,460
That means he has
all our secrets.
93
00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:56,289
-And our dance mixes!
94
00:03:58,337 --> 00:04:01,625
-This is from an
online pet store.
95
00:04:01,665 --> 00:04:04,004
There's enough toys
here for 100 cats.
96
00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:06,122
-Or one open-minded
human who wants to work
97
00:04:06,172 --> 00:04:09,041
on their dexterity
while lying in the sun!
98
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,549
-This could get so much worse.
99
00:04:11,589 --> 00:04:14,127
Goblin pictures are really
just the tip of the iceberg.
100
00:04:14,167 --> 00:04:15,836
This guy could ruin me.
- Not me.
101
00:04:15,876 --> 00:04:17,691
The only thing on my phone
is an app that tells me
102
00:04:17,715 --> 00:04:19,134
when something is hummus.
103
00:04:19,174 --> 00:04:21,463
Heh-heh-heh. I'm not
gonna get fooled again.
104
00:04:25,340 --> 00:04:29,008
-You all know me. You
know how I earn my living.
105
00:04:29,048 --> 00:04:31,716
I'll catch that hacker for you.
But it ain't gonna be easy.
106
00:04:31,766 --> 00:04:36,014
Not like going down to holding,
chasing drunks and tommycats.
107
00:04:36,054 --> 00:04:38,762
I don't want no volunteers.
I don't want no mates.
108
00:04:38,802 --> 00:04:40,181
I just want your trust.
109
00:04:40,221 --> 00:04:44,019
And for that, I'll get
you the head, the butt,
110
00:04:44,059 --> 00:04:46,057
the whole damn thing.
111
00:04:47,726 --> 00:04:50,315
-Great. So we're
gonna do Gurgs' thing.
112
00:04:50,355 --> 00:04:52,499
We'll slow things down in court
to give her some more time.
113
00:04:52,523 --> 00:04:53,813
-Yeah, that'll be easy.
114
00:04:53,853 --> 00:04:55,667
Things never move as fast
as you want around here.
115
00:04:55,691 --> 00:04:57,650
-Yeah, but tonight
it'll be on purpose!
116
00:05:01,528 --> 00:05:03,027
-Hey, Wyatt!
117
00:05:04,356 --> 00:05:05,695
Did I interrupt something?
118
00:05:05,735 --> 00:05:07,154
-Just checking out
my new workspace.
119
00:05:07,194 --> 00:05:10,772
Making sure the drawer
opens and shuts,
120
00:05:10,822 --> 00:05:13,610
which is what you
want in a drawer.
121
00:05:13,650 --> 00:05:15,489
-Interesting.
122
00:05:15,529 --> 00:05:17,528
I understand you used
to work at a hotel.
123
00:05:17,568 --> 00:05:19,986
Bet it makes you pretty
mad to hear about a case
124
00:05:20,026 --> 00:05:22,904
where someone trashed
a innocent hotel room.
125
00:05:22,944 --> 00:05:26,072
-Not really. I've seen those
rooms under a black light.
126
00:05:26,112 --> 00:05:28,911
They should allbe destroyed.
127
00:05:28,951 --> 00:05:30,700
-Sounds like a motive.
128
00:05:30,740 --> 00:05:35,117
Looks like that drawer isn't the
only thing that's open-and-shut.
129
00:05:36,536 --> 00:05:38,824
-Okay. Dan Fielding,
saving the day once again.
130
00:05:38,874 --> 00:05:40,244
I got us a tech expert.
131
00:05:40,284 --> 00:05:42,202
-That's your expert? Some
random kid you found?
132
00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:44,791
-Yeah. He's a teen.
They love technology.
133
00:05:44,831 --> 00:05:46,919
Probably taking
his laptop to prom.
134
00:05:46,959 --> 00:05:49,128
Alright, Shaggy,
tell us what to do.
135
00:05:49,168 --> 00:05:51,223
-Have you tried unplugging
it then plugging it back in?
136
00:05:51,247 --> 00:05:54,834
-That's it?! How did you
people ever invent Facebook?
137
00:05:54,874 --> 00:05:57,673
Get outta here!
138
00:05:57,713 --> 00:05:59,082
-Gurgs.
139
00:05:59,132 --> 00:06:00,881
Act like I
said something funny.
140
00:06:00,921 --> 00:06:02,526
Where are
we on the investigation?
141
00:06:02,550 --> 00:06:04,918
I think it's
someone on the inside.
142
00:06:04,968 --> 00:06:07,337
I don't know who
to trust, Judge!
143
00:06:07,377 --> 00:06:10,345
-So now we're just
laughing to hide our fear?
144
00:06:10,385 --> 00:06:12,503
No. It's real now.
145
00:06:12,553 --> 00:06:14,552
I thought of something
funny to get myself started,
146
00:06:14,592 --> 00:06:16,471
and now I can't stop!
147
00:06:16,511 --> 00:06:18,010
-Well, take all
the time you need
148
00:06:18,050 --> 00:06:20,389
because no one can slow
things down like Abby Stone.
149
00:06:20,428 --> 00:06:23,057
See how I just referred to
myself in the third person?
150
00:06:23,097 --> 00:06:25,725
That took a little more
time than saying "me."
151
00:06:25,765 --> 00:06:27,724
And notice how now
I'm explaining it?
152
00:06:27,764 --> 00:06:30,142
Also more time.
153
00:06:30,182 --> 00:06:32,511
-You know, there is
another way we could stall.
154
00:06:32,561 --> 00:06:34,640
We could use... The Box.
155
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:37,268
-We're not using... The Box.
156
00:06:37,308 --> 00:06:40,356
-What's... The Box?
157
00:06:40,396 --> 00:06:41,475
-Don't ask about The Box.
158
00:06:41,515 --> 00:06:43,184
God willing, you'll
never need to know!
159
00:06:43,224 --> 00:06:45,603
Alright. Let's call
the first case.
160
00:06:45,643 --> 00:06:47,891
The People versus Kyle Eh.
161
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:49,560
- Eh?
- Eh.
162
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:51,519
-Ugh!
163
00:06:51,569 --> 00:06:54,277
Where's a meaty five-syllable
last name when you need it?!
164
00:06:54,317 --> 00:06:56,026
Alright, Counselor,
please tell me
165
00:06:56,066 --> 00:06:59,194
in excruciating detail what
Mr. Eh is charged with.
166
00:06:59,234 --> 00:07:01,323
-Unfortunately, the
defendant has decided
167
00:07:01,363 --> 00:07:02,572
to defend himself.
168
00:07:02,612 --> 00:07:04,691
- Why is that unfortunate?
- He's an auctioneer.
169
00:07:04,741 --> 00:07:07,529
-Up to the counter. I said,
"Can I get seven scones?"
170
00:07:07,569 --> 00:07:09,028
"No." "Can I get six?
171
00:07:09,068 --> 00:07:10,843
Bid a little five. Do I
hear four? Three... two..."
172
00:07:10,867 --> 00:07:13,052
Can't get two, can't get one.
Do I hear there are no scones?
173
00:07:13,076 --> 00:07:14,994
I do! Out comes the knife!
174
00:07:15,034 --> 00:07:16,429
Plunged into the chest of
the man behind the counter!
175
00:07:16,453 --> 00:07:18,822
And I'm guilty. Going
once, going twice.
176
00:07:18,862 --> 00:07:22,450
Last and final call! I'm guilty!
177
00:07:24,488 --> 00:07:26,787
-Do I hear we're screwed?
Screwed going once.
178
00:07:26,827 --> 00:07:29,457
Screwed going twice.
We're screwed!
179
00:07:33,793 --> 00:07:35,872
-Court is moving a little
faster than I planned.
180
00:07:35,908 --> 00:07:37,674
Is there any intel you
can give me on the case?
181
00:07:37,698 --> 00:07:40,408
Like maybe the guy is guilty
and I'm worried over nothing?
182
00:07:40,458 --> 00:07:42,748
-He's actually a new
legal classification
183
00:07:42,788 --> 00:07:44,828
known as "Super Innocent."
184
00:07:45,878 --> 00:07:47,474
There's proof that he
wasn't in the hotel room
185
00:07:47,498 --> 00:07:50,088
when it was trashed, we
have time-stamped footage
186
00:07:50,128 --> 00:07:53,048
of him at a bodega buying
grape soda for his son.
187
00:07:53,088 --> 00:07:56,138
-Grape soda? Can't you
at least find him guilty
188
00:07:56,178 --> 00:07:58,518
of slowly poisoning his kid?
189
00:07:58,558 --> 00:08:00,098
-You know that's not an option.
190
00:08:00,138 --> 00:08:02,138
And I have as much to
hide as anyone else.
191
00:08:02,188 --> 00:08:06,308
I have a Guns N' Roses tattoo
in a very Guns N' Roses place.
192
00:08:07,608 --> 00:08:09,648
-Ah, the high-pitched siren song
193
00:08:09,688 --> 00:08:12,318
when it receives
its mating call.
194
00:08:12,358 --> 00:08:15,318
-Stop romanticizing the
machine that's destroying us!
195
00:08:16,867 --> 00:08:18,987
- Whoa. What was that?
- Nothing.
196
00:08:19,037 --> 00:08:21,657
-It was one of
yoursecrets, wasn't it?
197
00:08:21,697 --> 00:08:23,787
Why are you being
weird? Is it about me?!
198
00:08:23,827 --> 00:08:26,167
-That's a crazy thing to think.
199
00:08:26,207 --> 00:08:28,353
Unless it's because you have
a bunch of secrets about me.
200
00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:30,507
-You know what? Let's just
be clear for a second here
201
00:08:30,547 --> 00:08:33,467
that I have zero thoughts
about either of you.
202
00:08:35,257 --> 00:08:37,757
But... But...
203
00:08:37,797 --> 00:08:39,257
Okay. This has
gotten out of hand.
204
00:08:39,307 --> 00:08:41,557
We're two grown adults.
I'm just gonna eat it.
205
00:08:41,597 --> 00:08:45,437
-Don't you dare! Fax ink?
It's like liquid asbestos!
206
00:08:50,607 --> 00:08:53,067
-Daughter of a magician.
207
00:08:53,107 --> 00:08:55,237
-Co-worker of lunatics.
You know what?
208
00:08:55,277 --> 00:08:57,527
I'm just gonna have
to solve this myself.
209
00:08:57,567 --> 00:08:59,593
I'll open up a line of
communication with the hacker
210
00:08:59,617 --> 00:09:01,237
and then simply outwit him...
211
00:09:01,287 --> 00:09:03,457
like the mental game of
chess that I delivered
212
00:09:03,497 --> 00:09:05,667
to that poor sucker
from the cable company.
213
00:09:05,707 --> 00:09:09,837
You will never believethe
deal that I got on Starz.
214
00:09:09,877 --> 00:09:12,087
-Dan's right. We
just have to focus.
215
00:09:12,127 --> 00:09:14,007
We'll just keep
stalling so Gurgs
216
00:09:14,047 --> 00:09:16,217
can follow up on her lead,
and I wouldn't be surprised
217
00:09:16,257 --> 00:09:19,007
if she has the culprit in
her crosshairs as we speak.
218
00:09:19,047 --> 00:09:21,927
-Sandy, I'm only gonna
ask you one more time!
219
00:09:21,967 --> 00:09:24,927
What is your nighttime
skin routine?!
220
00:09:26,187 --> 00:09:27,897
-We started this. We
have to finish it.
221
00:09:27,937 --> 00:09:29,517
No one will know I was involved.
222
00:09:29,557 --> 00:09:32,727
Oh. Hey, Gurgs.
Found the hacker yet?
223
00:09:32,777 --> 00:09:34,567
-As a matter of fact,
I have a suspect.
224
00:09:34,607 --> 00:09:37,776
Uh, maybe we could talk
about it over lunch.
225
00:09:39,196 --> 00:09:42,786
-So... what's good here?
226
00:09:42,826 --> 00:09:44,196
-I know you're
the hacker, Wyatt.
227
00:09:44,246 --> 00:09:46,006
So you're just gonna
claim it's a coincidence
228
00:09:46,036 --> 00:09:47,616
all this happened on
your first night...
229
00:09:47,666 --> 00:09:49,876
andyou happen to know your
way around a fax machine?
230
00:09:49,916 --> 00:09:52,046
-Only because I once
worked at a Fax Bistro,
231
00:09:52,086 --> 00:09:55,086
a short-lived rival
to Internet cafés.
232
00:09:55,126 --> 00:09:57,046
-I bet you think you're
a pretty cool customer.
233
00:09:57,086 --> 00:09:59,336
Well, you're not the only
cool one around here!
234
00:10:01,296 --> 00:10:02,506
Ooh.
235
00:10:03,596 --> 00:10:06,936
- You don't look comfortable.
- Well, I am.
236
00:10:06,976 --> 00:10:08,346
I know you're hiding something.
237
00:10:08,386 --> 00:10:11,516
We can do this the easy
way or the orange way!
238
00:10:11,556 --> 00:10:13,106
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
239
00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:14,776
Can you grab those?
240
00:10:16,236 --> 00:10:18,856
-I have to take this.
We're good, right?
241
00:10:18,906 --> 00:10:20,566
Do you need anything?
- No. I'm fine.
242
00:10:20,616 --> 00:10:22,696
But if you see Sandy,
send him my way
243
00:10:22,736 --> 00:10:25,036
and tell him "it
happened again."
244
00:10:26,576 --> 00:10:29,496
-The altercation started
when the subway performer
245
00:10:29,536 --> 00:10:32,246
Emcee Scruggs accused
Mr. Beats-Fresh
246
00:10:32,286 --> 00:10:36,046
of stealing his iconic
loco loco-motive dance move
247
00:10:36,086 --> 00:10:39,216
with the pale imitation
choo-choo crazy train.
248
00:10:39,256 --> 00:10:41,312
-In order for me to settle
this, I'm gonna need to see
249
00:10:41,336 --> 00:10:44,216
the full routine...
probably a couple times.
250
00:10:48,426 --> 00:10:50,766
-♪ I got the flava
to make 'em jump ♪
251
00:10:59,695 --> 00:11:01,695
-Oh, no. Blood?
252
00:11:04,195 --> 00:11:06,535
-You know, it's times like this
253
00:11:06,575 --> 00:11:08,655
I think we should reflect
on how lucky we are
254
00:11:08,705 --> 00:11:11,745
that weweren't
kicked in the head.
255
00:11:11,785 --> 00:11:13,955
Let's take a short recess.
256
00:11:16,705 --> 00:11:18,965
-Dan! I figured it out.
257
00:11:19,005 --> 00:11:21,005
The only way our
secrets don't go public
258
00:11:21,045 --> 00:11:23,255
is if you convince number
six to plead guilty.
259
00:11:23,295 --> 00:11:24,861
-You know what? I don't say
this to make you feel better,
260
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,465
but whatever you're
trying to hide
261
00:11:26,505 --> 00:11:29,885
can't be any more embarrassing
than what we already know.
262
00:11:30,725 --> 00:11:35,015
-Well, did you know that I
once tried to get Gurgs fired?
263
00:11:35,055 --> 00:11:36,725
Well, in my defense,
she made me take
264
00:11:36,765 --> 00:11:38,855
a "Which 'Sex and the City'
Character Are You?" quiz.
265
00:11:38,895 --> 00:11:40,275
And I got "Steve."
266
00:11:40,315 --> 00:11:42,855
-You tried to get Gurgs
fired? She's an angel!
267
00:11:42,905 --> 00:11:44,615
I once saw her blow on a cocoon,
268
00:11:44,655 --> 00:11:48,235
and I swear to God a
butterfly was born just then!
269
00:11:48,285 --> 00:11:50,495
Lucky for you, I've
almost ended this.
270
00:11:50,535 --> 00:11:52,535
I buttered up the
hacker with this line...
271
00:11:52,575 --> 00:11:55,205
"You know, we're not so
different, you and I."
272
00:11:55,245 --> 00:11:57,165
Huh? And his response?
273
00:11:57,205 --> 00:12:00,125
He sent me this picture
of his middle finger.
274
00:12:01,255 --> 00:12:03,835
Now it's a dialogue.
275
00:12:03,885 --> 00:12:06,885
-Well, at least we got three
more cases to try and drag out.
276
00:12:06,925 --> 00:12:08,715
-The People versus
Rosemary Smith,
277
00:12:08,765 --> 00:12:10,305
Evie Brown, and Ellyn Daniel.
278
00:12:10,345 --> 00:12:12,975
-What? Aren't these supposed
to be three separate cases?
279
00:12:13,015 --> 00:12:15,514
-The decision was
made to combine them.
280
00:12:15,554 --> 00:12:16,554
-Why?
281
00:12:17,974 --> 00:12:19,564
-Okay. Now I see why.
282
00:12:19,604 --> 00:12:21,234
-Your Honor, the
three defendants
283
00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:24,154
got into a prenatal brawl
at Osteria Pucillo when...
284
00:12:24,194 --> 00:12:25,524
Your Honor,
285
00:12:25,564 --> 00:12:27,904
the fight broke over
Osteria's pregnancy salad,
286
00:12:27,944 --> 00:12:30,534
which has been known
to induce labor!
287
00:12:30,574 --> 00:12:31,994
-It's the dressing.
288
00:12:32,034 --> 00:12:35,204
We took turns chugging it in
the squad car, and n... ohh!
289
00:12:35,244 --> 00:12:37,284
-I know that you want
to slow things down, but
290
00:12:37,334 --> 00:12:40,044
unless you hurry up, we're gonna
have three more defendants.
291
00:12:40,084 --> 00:12:43,754
-Fine. Go to the
hospital. Time served.
292
00:12:43,794 --> 00:12:46,714
-Wait. If this is case three,
four, and five, then...
293
00:12:46,754 --> 00:12:48,094
-That means we're out of time.
294
00:12:48,134 --> 00:12:51,014
-Case six. The People
versus Ryan Umansky.
295
00:12:51,054 --> 00:12:54,264
-Okay. Guess we have no choice.
296
00:12:54,304 --> 00:12:56,785
Gurgs, get The Box.
297
00:12:59,266 --> 00:13:01,589
-Yo! Where did that
box of bees come from?!
298
00:13:01,626 --> 00:13:03,215
-I counted 10, 20, 25, 30!
299
00:13:03,261 --> 00:13:04,596
Do I hear 40? 40
bees!
300
00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:07,368
-I should've asked more
questions about The Box!
301
00:13:15,192 --> 00:13:18,235
-Oh, Gurgs. Glad you're
here. Had a thought.
302
00:13:18,275 --> 00:13:21,856
Next time you call it "The
Box," maybe add "of Bees"...
303
00:13:21,896 --> 00:13:25,218
because some of us
are pretty allergic.
304
00:13:25,268 --> 00:13:27,593
-Those were circus bees
who gave up their stingers
305
00:13:27,633 --> 00:13:29,508
for a life in the theater.
306
00:13:29,548 --> 00:13:32,042
What kind of courthouse
do you think I run?
307
00:13:32,092 --> 00:13:35,205
-Well, that explains why they
were making fun shapes and...
308
00:13:35,255 --> 00:13:36,911
But that's all it explains.
309
00:13:36,961 --> 00:13:39,994
-We don't have time for
this game of fax and mouse.
310
00:13:40,034 --> 00:13:41,410
Either you come clean,
311
00:13:41,450 --> 00:13:43,655
or I sign you up for
Kohl's Cash Rewards.
312
00:13:43,695 --> 00:13:45,690
It's so many e-mails,
313
00:13:45,740 --> 00:13:47,696
and the unsubscribe is
a three-step process.
314
00:13:47,736 --> 00:13:50,020
You'll never do it! So what
are you hiding, Wyatt?!
315
00:13:50,060 --> 00:13:51,856
What are you hidin'?!
316
00:13:51,896 --> 00:13:54,719
-This isn't worth it!
It's Jupiter, okay?!
317
00:13:54,769 --> 00:13:57,183
I've been sneaking
off to paint Jupiter.
318
00:13:57,223 --> 00:13:59,338
My daughter has a solar
system due tomorrow,
319
00:13:59,388 --> 00:14:00,795
and if she doesn't
get a good grade,
320
00:14:00,845 --> 00:14:02,501
she loses her screen time.
321
00:14:02,551 --> 00:14:06,412
And I need her to
have her screen time.
322
00:14:06,462 --> 00:14:07,725
-Well, I didn't
know you had kids.
323
00:14:07,749 --> 00:14:09,165
-With all this stuff going on,
324
00:14:09,205 --> 00:14:11,200
it didn't leave a lot
of time for small talk.
325
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:15,201
And then you thought I hacked
the server, which is hilarious.
326
00:14:15,241 --> 00:14:16,817
With what time?
327
00:14:16,857 --> 00:14:19,810
I'm a divorced law student
with two little girls
328
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:23,771
and a goldfish I'm pretty sure
is romantically in love with me.
329
00:14:23,811 --> 00:14:25,267
I'm spinning so many plates,
330
00:14:25,307 --> 00:14:29,597
the mom text chain just
voted me "Messiest Bitch"!
331
00:14:29,637 --> 00:14:32,461
And that's saying something
because Julie's on there!
332
00:14:34,087 --> 00:14:36,461
You've got to be kidding me.
333
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,746
-Okay. Uh...
334
00:14:38,786 --> 00:14:42,826
I've got an
investigation... to start.
335
00:14:46,817 --> 00:14:48,443
-What, Julie?
336
00:14:48,483 --> 00:14:51,895
No, I don'tknow
where your kids are.
337
00:14:53,441 --> 00:14:54,784
-So the bright side of
the random bee attack
338
00:14:54,808 --> 00:14:56,933
is that we could
chat, Mr. Umansky.
339
00:14:56,973 --> 00:14:58,809
Was just wondering,
is there anyone
340
00:14:58,849 --> 00:15:01,213
who you think might want
to see you thrown in jail?
341
00:15:01,263 --> 00:15:05,423
-No. Everyone loves me.
My wife says I'm tooloved.
342
00:15:07,039 --> 00:15:09,374
-Okay, well, what were you
doing in the hotel room
343
00:15:09,414 --> 00:15:11,250
before the destruction occurred?
344
00:15:11,289 --> 00:15:13,664
-I was making love
to my mistress.
345
00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:16,577
-I believe it's what
the French call...
346
00:15:16,617 --> 00:15:18,902
Le Noonér.
347
00:15:20,608 --> 00:15:22,982
-So when your wife says
you're too loved...
348
00:15:23,022 --> 00:15:26,015
-She means by many women who
aren't her. That's right.
349
00:15:26,055 --> 00:15:28,559
-So glad my reputation
is gonna be ruined
350
00:15:28,599 --> 00:15:30,724
just so that this
guy can sleaze it up
351
00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:32,629
with a woman I assume
is named Trish.
352
00:15:32,679 --> 00:15:35,632
-I wishl could land a Trish.
353
00:15:35,672 --> 00:15:38,416
-Seems to me that an affair
might lead to some grudges.
354
00:15:38,456 --> 00:15:40,501
-My wife, I guess.
355
00:15:40,541 --> 00:15:42,117
My mistress's husband.
356
00:15:42,167 --> 00:15:44,202
My othermistress.
357
00:15:44,242 --> 00:15:46,197
But not my other
mistress's husband
358
00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:49,360
because, weirdly,
he's rooting for us.
359
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:52,563
- Court's clear, Your Honor.
- That was fast.
360
00:15:52,602 --> 00:15:55,765
I knewwe should've
used The Big Box.
361
00:15:55,815 --> 00:16:00,594
-Patricia Guberman?
You're looking good.
362
00:16:00,634 --> 00:16:03,008
You know, I'm on trial
for the next couple hours,
363
00:16:03,048 --> 00:16:04,345
but afterwards...
364
00:16:04,385 --> 00:16:06,250
-You know, I go by "Trish" now.
365
00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:07,707
-Oh.
366
00:16:09,622 --> 00:16:12,785
-Well, I guess all the secrets
are gonna come out now.
367
00:16:12,825 --> 00:16:16,157
It's been really
nice not knowing you.
368
00:16:16,197 --> 00:16:17,654
-You'll never guess
what Wyatt found.
369
00:16:17,693 --> 00:16:19,649
-I was sorting through
garbage, looking for things
370
00:16:19,699 --> 00:16:22,153
to make into Venus,
and I stumbled on this.
371
00:16:22,193 --> 00:16:24,727
- That's my secret!
- That's your secret?
372
00:16:24,777 --> 00:16:26,024
-Run!
373
00:16:27,022 --> 00:16:29,436
-How do you have that?
I threw it out a window!
374
00:16:29,476 --> 00:16:30,972
I mean, made it disappear.
375
00:16:31,012 --> 00:16:34,215
A magician's daughter
never reveals her secrets.
376
00:16:34,255 --> 00:16:35,817
-Because this isn't
the one you received.
377
00:16:35,841 --> 00:16:38,964
It's the original the hacker
faxed you. No timestamp.
378
00:16:39,003 --> 00:16:41,498
-If you found that in the
garbage here, that means...
379
00:16:41,538 --> 00:16:44,451
-That the hacker's been in
the courthouse the whole time.
380
00:16:44,491 --> 00:16:47,903
-And thanks to Dan's uncanny
ability to irritate strangers,
381
00:16:47,952 --> 00:16:50,616
we know what the guy's
middle finger looks like.
382
00:16:50,656 --> 00:16:53,859
So we can catch him, but
it's gonna take all of us
383
00:16:53,898 --> 00:16:57,310
working as a team together.
384
00:16:57,939 --> 00:17:00,160
Yoinks!
385
00:17:06,424 --> 00:17:08,591
-So we know this middle finger
is somewhere in this courtroom.
386
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:10,713
We just have to find it.
387
00:17:10,753 --> 00:17:12,190
-I know my way around
a pair of hands.
388
00:17:12,214 --> 00:17:14,886
I used to work for
Kate Cavanaugh.
389
00:17:14,926 --> 00:17:16,728
She's the Meryl Streep
of shadow puppets.
390
00:17:16,768 --> 00:17:18,139
-You go, new guy, and I swear...
391
00:17:18,179 --> 00:17:21,311
if you find that finger,
I'll learn your name.
392
00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:26,325
-Okay, before we begin, I'd
like to invite the gallery
393
00:17:26,365 --> 00:17:28,366
to enjoy complimentary
hand massages
394
00:17:28,406 --> 00:17:31,829
courtesy of our
clerk and bailiff.
395
00:17:31,879 --> 00:17:33,961
-Your Honor, can we
scoot this along?
396
00:17:34,001 --> 00:17:35,922
I got a date with the
beekeeper after this,
397
00:17:35,962 --> 00:17:38,134
and she's a real smokeshow.
398
00:17:39,095 --> 00:17:42,517
That's how she gets
the bees back in the box.
399
00:17:42,557 --> 00:17:44,519
-Everything okay in the
gallery there, Bailiff?
400
00:17:44,559 --> 00:17:46,480
-Someone doesn't want
his hands touched.
401
00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:48,692
-Well, there's nothing
we can do if people
402
00:17:48,742 --> 00:17:50,243
don't want their hands touched.
403
00:17:50,283 --> 00:17:52,455
Except have them arrested!
404
00:17:52,495 --> 00:17:56,378
That was a middle finger, but
not the one we were looking for.
405
00:17:56,418 --> 00:17:59,090
-Okay. This is an extensive
list of property damage.
406
00:17:59,130 --> 00:18:01,932
Would it be possible
to hear it out loud?
407
00:18:01,972 --> 00:18:04,144
I get nauseous reading
408
00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:07,106
while thinking about driving.
409
00:18:07,146 --> 00:18:09,148
-I got you, Your Honor.
410
00:18:09,188 --> 00:18:11,489
Damage includes...
411
00:18:11,529 --> 00:18:14,862
one smashed door, brown...
412
00:18:14,912 --> 00:18:17,784
one torn pillow, down...
413
00:18:17,834 --> 00:18:21,207
one destroyed painting, clown.
414
00:18:22,468 --> 00:18:26,591
And now a list of items that
were missing from the mini-bar.
415
00:18:26,641 --> 00:18:28,683
Grape soda.
416
00:18:28,723 --> 00:18:30,684
And that's the whole list.
417
00:18:30,724 --> 00:18:35,027
So the only thing missing from
the mini-bar was grape soda.
418
00:18:35,067 --> 00:18:36,488
-His alibi.
419
00:18:36,529 --> 00:18:38,490
-Mr. Umansky, do you
drink grape soda?
420
00:18:38,530 --> 00:18:41,082
-My client has already
stated that he's not a fan.
421
00:18:41,122 --> 00:18:42,793
It's his son who likes it.
422
00:18:42,833 --> 00:18:45,545
-Was your son with you at the
hotel on the night in question?
423
00:18:45,585 --> 00:18:47,717
-Clearly, you've
never had an affair.
424
00:18:47,757 --> 00:18:50,719
Kids totallykill the vibe.
425
00:18:50,759 --> 00:18:53,932
-Is it possible that he
snuck into the hotel room
426
00:18:53,982 --> 00:18:56,314
and trashed it to frame you?
427
00:18:56,354 --> 00:19:00,907
Perhaps as revenge for sleeping
with half of Manhattan?
428
00:19:00,947 --> 00:19:04,080
-If only the boy
himself could tell us.
429
00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:06,211
Because if he was
acting out of anger
430
00:19:06,251 --> 00:19:07,582
over his father's infidelities,
431
00:19:07,622 --> 00:19:09,794
the court would be
very sympathetic!
432
00:19:09,834 --> 00:19:11,545
And he's just crawling away!
433
00:19:13,677 --> 00:19:15,058
-Beau?!
434
00:19:15,098 --> 00:19:16,705
- The "just unplug it" kid is...
- The hacker!
435
00:19:16,729 --> 00:19:20,112
Ha ha! I said it
first! I solved it!
436
00:19:20,152 --> 00:19:22,654
-Kids really do kill
the vibe, don't they?
437
00:19:25,446 --> 00:19:28,118
-I can't believe
how crazy today was,
438
00:19:28,158 --> 00:19:30,039
but I have an idea to make sure
439
00:19:30,079 --> 00:19:31,721
that nothing like that
ever happens again.
440
00:19:31,751 --> 00:19:34,633
-Change the Wi-Fi
password from nothing?
441
00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:37,925
-We tell all of our secrets
to each other... right now.
442
00:19:37,975 --> 00:19:39,517
-I'm good.
443
00:19:39,557 --> 00:19:41,768
Oh, God. The door's locked!
444
00:19:41,808 --> 00:19:44,821
-Abracadabra, open the door!
445
00:19:44,861 --> 00:19:47,993
Her name is... I wasn't
trying to use magic to open...
446
00:19:48,033 --> 00:19:50,455
Why am I explaining
myself to you?!
447
00:19:50,495 --> 00:19:53,667
-No one leaves this room until
it's all out on the table.
448
00:19:53,707 --> 00:19:55,249
I'll go first.
449
00:19:55,299 --> 00:19:57,010
This fax was a print-out
from my Notes app,
450
00:19:57,050 --> 00:19:59,882
where I complain about all
of you to let off steam.
451
00:19:59,922 --> 00:20:01,724
"Olivia is very quick
452
00:20:01,764 --> 00:20:04,556
to cross her arms and
blame other people."
453
00:20:04,606 --> 00:20:07,068
-What?! Who told
you that?! Carol?!
454
00:20:07,108 --> 00:20:08,779
Whatever.
455
00:20:08,819 --> 00:20:11,127
Now I don't have to feel so bad
about trying to get you fired.
456
00:20:11,151 --> 00:20:12,468
-You said you tried
to get Gurgs fired.
457
00:20:12,492 --> 00:20:13,679
-Oh, I tried to
get you all fired.
458
00:20:13,703 --> 00:20:15,204
There. That's my
secret. I shared it.
459
00:20:15,244 --> 00:20:17,996
Feels amazing! Now let me out!
460
00:20:18,046 --> 00:20:19,417
-Well, I'll go next.
461
00:20:19,457 --> 00:20:21,419
The secret ingredient
in my world-famous stew
462
00:20:21,469 --> 00:20:23,090
is two bottles of gin.
463
00:20:23,130 --> 00:20:24,487
You're so drunk
after the first bite,
464
00:20:24,511 --> 00:20:26,643
you don't realize how
bad it is!
465
00:20:26,683 --> 00:20:28,974
-See? This is great. Now
Wyatt knows everything,
466
00:20:29,024 --> 00:20:31,396
and we don't have to worry
about making a good impression.
467
00:20:31,436 --> 00:20:33,818
-That was you trying to
make a good impression?
468
00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:36,740
Gurgs threatened to beat
me with a sack of oranges.
469
00:20:36,780 --> 00:20:38,742
-Oh, you know what?
Since you're all sharing,
470
00:20:38,792 --> 00:20:44,336
I wasn't completely honest
about not having any secrets.
471
00:20:47,138 --> 00:20:49,260
-"Mr. Monk and
the Bayou Blues"?
472
00:20:49,310 --> 00:20:51,432
-It's my "Monk" fan fiction.
473
00:20:51,472 --> 00:20:53,103
You know what?
Now that it's out,
474
00:20:53,143 --> 00:20:56,866
I would humbly have the pleasure
of sharing it all with you.
475
00:20:56,906 --> 00:20:58,157
- No.
- Ah...
476
00:20:58,197 --> 00:21:00,078
One thing to note...
in my version,
477
00:21:00,118 --> 00:21:02,290
Monk doesn't have OCD.
478
00:21:02,330 --> 00:21:05,122
I never saw the
point of that. Uh...
479
00:21:05,172 --> 00:21:07,834
"Monk climbed out of
the Atchafalaya Basin,
480
00:21:07,884 --> 00:21:09,255
his body covered in mud...
481
00:21:09,295 --> 00:21:11,467
or as he liked to call
it, 'Louisiana Gold.'"
482
00:21:11,507 --> 00:21:15,390
Also, one more note... in
my version, Monk's a Cajun.
483
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:16,811
-Abby, please let us out!
484
00:21:16,851 --> 00:21:19,943
-This is why I always
carry a flask of stew.
485
00:21:22,445 --> 00:21:24,247
It's funny!
37867
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
