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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,710 --> 00:00:03,712 JESS: Thanks for helping me with my school dance. 2 00:00:07,049 --> 00:00:09,593 "Love is forever and ever... 3 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:11,512 "And ever..." 4 00:00:11,595 --> 00:00:12,930 How many "and evers"? 5 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:16,517 Technically, infinity, but I could only fit 12. 6 00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:20,562 Wow, this is gonna be tough for you, huh? 7 00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:22,523 Yes. Foster said we couldn't afford it, 8 00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:24,775 but I really stuck my neck out for this dance. 9 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,402 No, I... I mean because the theme of the dance is, 10 00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:29,154 "Love is Forever," and... 11 00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:31,323 Nick, and the breakup... 12 00:00:31,406 --> 00:00:32,908 What? No. Cece, look. 13 00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:34,993 You remember what school dances were like for me. 14 00:00:35,077 --> 00:00:37,037 They were miserable. I was just waiting in the bathroom 15 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,706 for Tim Keymaker to magically appear and ask me out. 16 00:00:39,790 --> 00:00:42,709 I remember. I was smoking in the stall next to you. 17 00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:44,294 We get it, you were bad. 18 00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:47,130 I just don't want it to be like it was for me. 19 00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:48,799 I want them to have an incredible time. 20 00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:53,095 My life is a bit of a mess right now, but the one thing I can do 21 00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:55,222 -is throw an amazing dance for them. -(DOOR OPENS) 22 00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:58,475 "Love is forever and ever and ever." 23 00:00:58,559 --> 00:00:59,643 What is, what is this? 24 00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,937 The theme of Jess' school dance. 25 00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,772 -That's pretty ironic, huh? -Jess, you poor thing. 26 00:01:03,856 --> 00:01:05,148 -Come-come here. Come here. -What? 27 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:07,234 -JESS: What? -Just there. 28 00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:08,402 -What are you doing? -All right. 29 00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:10,279 Uh-huh. Okay. 30 00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:12,573 Oh, I know. I know. 31 00:01:12,656 --> 00:01:14,658 -I know. -What's happening? 32 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:17,119 I got hug number two locked and loaded. 33 00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:18,704 Soft or hard, it's up to you. 34 00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:20,163 -I know. -Schmidt... 35 00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:22,165 (SINGING) Who's that girl? 36 00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:23,250 Who's that girl? 37 00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:24,668 It's Jess! 38 00:01:30,174 --> 00:01:32,259 Ay-ay-ay, I needed a shvitz. 39 00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:33,552 Ech, me, too. 40 00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:36,388 My arms are so sore. I've been doing so many push-ups. 41 00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:37,598 That seems like a lie. 42 00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:39,391 No, I'm trying to stay fit after the breakup. 43 00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:41,977 I've been eating salads. You know, no dressing. 44 00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:43,645 Mostly just the protein. 45 00:01:43,729 --> 00:01:45,147 What kind of salads you been eating? 46 00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,690 The little chopped-up pieces of ham. 47 00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:48,275 Just the ham? 48 00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:49,359 -Yeah. -Mm-hmm. 49 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:51,278 I don't like the lettuce. I think it's gross to eat stuff 50 00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:53,155 -that already... It's green. -Well, look, you know, baby steps. 51 00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:55,365 It's not baby steps. There are some pretty big pieces of ham. 52 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,075 -Okay. -It's... You know, it's good. 53 00:01:57,159 --> 00:01:59,745 I-I genuinely miss goofing around with Jess. 54 00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:02,039 Breakups aren't supposed to be easy, so... 55 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:03,999 Wow, that's really mature of you, man. 56 00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:05,250 We're doing something where we're... 57 00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:07,794 We're not allowed to be in a room alone together 58 00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:09,046 -without Winston. -Mm. 59 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,465 'Cause he just naturally takes the sexual tension out of a room. 60 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,595 What'd you guys want? 61 00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:19,932 You see? I'm proud of you. That's what I'm talking about. We're men. 62 00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:22,059 We've felt pain, we've survived it. Look at me. 63 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,394 I'm watching Cece drool over some 20-year-old. 64 00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:27,731 How could she be interested in a boy when she could have these ripe berries? 65 00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:30,359 -Look at these, Nick. -Put your towel down. 66 00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:32,694 Oh, God, I need a shvitz. 67 00:02:33,070 --> 00:02:35,155 Why does my sweat smell like asparagus? 68 00:02:35,239 --> 00:02:37,157 He does take all the sexual tension out of a room. 69 00:02:37,241 --> 00:02:39,159 Man, I heat up every room I walk into. 70 00:02:39,243 --> 00:02:42,162 Put me next to a dozen eggs. They hatchin'. You know why? 71 00:02:42,246 --> 00:02:43,789 'Cause I got the heat of a mother hen. 72 00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:45,707 There was no sexual tension in here before he got here. 73 00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:47,459 Keep telling yourself that, Nick. 74 00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,670 Congrats, chaperones! 75 00:02:49,753 --> 00:02:52,464 With your help, tonight is going to be unforgettable. 76 00:02:52,548 --> 00:02:53,799 I didn't sign up for this. 77 00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,843 No, you didn't. None of you did. 78 00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:59,638 In fact, none of you have ever, ever signed up for any school event, ever. 79 00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:02,224 Which means you've never felt the joy 80 00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:04,768 of exchanging your free time for a child's smile. 81 00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:07,271 I never volunteer because of my Munchausen syndrome. 82 00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:08,689 Are we getting paid? 83 00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:13,110 You will get paid, um, actually, in attractive hats that I made. 84 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,028 They say "chaperone." 85 00:03:15,112 --> 00:03:16,154 (CHUCKLES) 86 00:03:16,238 --> 00:03:18,365 And Gary the Janitor has one that says "clean up crew." 87 00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:20,033 You call me Gary the Janitor 88 00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:23,161 as if me being a janitor is my whole identity. 89 00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:27,249 It's like someone calling you Jess the Third-Hottest White Teacher. 90 00:03:27,332 --> 00:03:28,333 Okay. 91 00:03:28,417 --> 00:03:30,252 Are we done? I'm gonna say we're done. 92 00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:31,336 -Yeah. -Okay. 93 00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:33,463 -(BELL RINGING) -Thank-thanks, guys. Good-good meeting. 94 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:35,299 BIOLOGY TEACHER: I don't know where I'm supposed to be right now. 95 00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:38,010 Thanks, guys. It's gonna be great! 96 00:03:39,178 --> 00:03:40,929 You don't have to wear that, Coach. 97 00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:43,599 As far as I'm concerned, this dance starts now. 98 00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:47,436 I know how important this dance is to you. Those kids won't get away with anything. 99 00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:50,564 If they want to bang, they're gonna have to bang through me. 100 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:51,648 Wait. 101 00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:55,527 If they want to bang, they're gonna have to bang through me! 102 00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:57,029 Wait. 103 00:03:58,447 --> 00:03:59,448 Hey, Wendy. 104 00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:01,783 Whoa! 105 00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:04,286 That shirt's scary! Whoa. 106 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,498 You going to the dance tonight? 107 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:09,708 My mom's making me go. 108 00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:12,336 Making you go to the best night of your life? 109 00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:14,254 Your mom sounds really cool. 110 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:17,508 Come on, at your age, love is forever and ever and ever. 111 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:20,093 (LAUGHS SOFTLY) What are you gonna wear? 112 00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:21,220 This shirt. 113 00:04:21,512 --> 00:04:23,555 Oh. Oh! 114 00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:27,434 That is the best idea I've heard all week. 115 00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:30,229 Whoa! Scary shirt! 116 00:04:30,812 --> 00:04:33,607 We all think that you're an idiot for dating this 14-year-old. 117 00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:34,691 -(LAUGHS) -He's 20. 118 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,818 That means he was seven when Good Will Hunting came out. 119 00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:38,946 Seven, Cece. Good Will Hunting. 120 00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:40,531 You know what? Let me go, let me go, let me go. 121 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:44,535 Um, check this out. Cece's boyfriend is so young that... 122 00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:48,330 (LAUGHING) It'll come back to me. 123 00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:50,249 Buster is more of a man than all of you. 124 00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:53,293 Okay? He's been to, like, 40 countries, he builds boats, 125 00:04:53,377 --> 00:04:55,170 he used to train snakes with his uncle. 126 00:04:55,254 --> 00:04:56,713 Earning a respectable wage, 127 00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:59,049 wearing a proper-hanging pair of slacks, 128 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,635 ordering sushi like a sick-ass boss... 129 00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,303 These things a man maketh. 130 00:05:03,387 --> 00:05:04,805 So stupid stuff that you do. 131 00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:06,723 I know that technically you guys are men, 132 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:10,102 but all you do is hang out with each other, like you're 12. 133 00:05:10,185 --> 00:05:11,687 What do you know? You're just a stupid girl. 134 00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:14,064 -(LAUGHTER) -WINSTON: Okay, I got it, I got it. Okay. 135 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,733 Cece's boyfriend is so young that... 136 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,151 -How-how young is he? -Winston. 137 00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:19,486 'Cause everybody wants to know. 138 00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:21,488 It's not working, man. I'm serious. 139 00:05:21,572 --> 00:05:23,991 -I'm at my wit's end with you. -Mm. What? 140 00:05:24,533 --> 00:05:27,494 Wait a minute. Why's the door locked? 141 00:05:27,578 --> 00:05:28,954 The dance starts in five minutes. 142 00:05:29,037 --> 00:05:30,873 ROSE: Okay. JESS: Gary! 143 00:05:30,956 --> 00:05:32,833 Thank God you're here. Can you unlock the door? 144 00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:34,668 No. I didn't put that there. 145 00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:37,129 What? Who else could have done it? 146 00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:39,798 We can't start the dance if the door's locked. 147 00:05:39,882 --> 00:05:42,092 Don't tell me I wore my raw denim for no reason. 148 00:05:42,176 --> 00:05:45,429 -Don't you dare tell me that! -I am not telling you that. 149 00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:46,889 So the dance is cancelled, then? 150 00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:48,098 No, no, no. There is gonna be a dance. 151 00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:50,058 It's gonna be great and perfect and lovely 152 00:05:50,142 --> 00:05:51,894 and it will celebrate love is forever and ever and ever. 153 00:05:51,977 --> 00:05:52,978 Where are you guys going? 154 00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:55,105 In life, nowhere. 155 00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:57,065 But I know I don't want to be here. 156 00:05:57,149 --> 00:05:59,985 Guys, please stay. It would really mean a lot to me. 157 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:01,111 Boring. 158 00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:05,032 It's Jess. All of her chaperones just bailed, 159 00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:06,116 and she needs help. 160 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,409 A lady needs help? 161 00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:09,203 Is that a job for a boy... 162 00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:10,287 -No. -Or a... 163 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,622 -Man! -...man? 164 00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,916 SCHMIDT, NICK AND WINSTON: Men! Men! Men! 165 00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:16,877 Men! Men! Men! Men! Men! 166 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,337 Well, the dummy patrol is ready. 167 00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:20,172 -Men! Men! -Men! Aah! 168 00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:21,924 Men. Man! 169 00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:24,259 -So stupid. -Seriously, are you okay for real? 170 00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:25,761 -You got any ice? -Dude, rub his shoulder. 171 00:06:25,844 --> 00:06:27,137 Rub his shoulder. I'll get ice. I'll get ice. 172 00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:28,931 ...my shoulder go into his. You all right? 173 00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:31,016 -Ow, man! -Okay, all right, just sit back. 174 00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:32,768 -(LOUD GROANING) -Nick, get the ice! 175 00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:36,480 How do you know how to do that? 176 00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,732 Well, a tire iron is actually strong enough 177 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,943 to break through a high-carbon steel steering wheel lock, 178 00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:42,861 so, you know, I figured I'd work with this. 179 00:06:42,945 --> 00:06:44,196 (QUIETLY) Cece scares me sometimes. 180 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:45,906 It's just the tip of the iceberg, my friend. 181 00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:48,617 -Got it. There we go. -Oh! Yes! 182 00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:50,786 -Now we're cooking with gas. -Yes! 183 00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:53,163 JESS: Everything's back on track, guys! 184 00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:57,668 This bike lock was a real punk move. Seems like there's a lot of punks here. 185 00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,419 Did you do this? Hey. Did you do this? 186 00:06:59,503 --> 00:07:01,088 -Huh? Did you do this? -COACH: Hey, easy, easy. 187 00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:03,340 If anyone's messing with this dance, it's one of those teachers. 188 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,092 Those hats were begging for payback. 189 00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:06,176 -Let's do this. -Hey. 190 00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:08,178 Listen up, chaperones. 191 00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:11,765 You will obey all of my instructions. This means everything to Jess. 192 00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:13,559 Your asses belong to me now. 193 00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:16,895 Which means I currently have four asses. 194 00:07:16,979 --> 00:07:19,314 The three of yours and mine. 195 00:07:19,398 --> 00:07:22,526 I think we're capable of handling a bunch of prepubescent kids. 196 00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:24,361 Do you think you are tough, Winston? 197 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:27,948 You have no idea what these little bastards are capable of. 198 00:07:28,031 --> 00:07:31,243 I mean, I love them. I love them with all my heart. 199 00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:34,997 But they will hurt your feelings sometimes. 200 00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:36,415 SCHMIDT: He's right. 201 00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:38,750 I remember sticks and stones may break your bones, 202 00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:41,712 but not if you're a fat kid with calcium deficiency. 203 00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,756 Schmidt, you're on snack table duty. Keep the chip bowls full. 204 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:46,133 Don't let the kids spike the punch. 205 00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:49,386 And make sure Diabetic Amy only has four cookies. 206 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:52,306 Diabetic Amy ain't gonna get no cookies on my watch. 207 00:07:52,389 --> 00:07:54,558 No, she-she has to have at least two or she'll pass out. 208 00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:56,351 She's getting nothing as far as I'm concerned. 209 00:07:56,435 --> 00:07:58,270 At least two, at least two or she'll pass out. 210 00:07:58,353 --> 00:08:00,856 -All right, Winston? Dance floor duty. -Yes, sir. 211 00:08:00,939 --> 00:08:02,524 Ooh, you shouldn't have said that, man, 212 00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:03,775 that is the perfect place for me right now. 213 00:08:03,859 --> 00:08:05,402 -I got so much heat coming off me, man. -No. 214 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,112 No, no, no, no, no, no. No heat. 215 00:08:07,196 --> 00:08:08,697 -Ooh, ooh, ooh. -No heat. Hey, hey, hey. 216 00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:10,699 None. Hey, look at me. No heat. 217 00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:13,660 The opposite of heat. Six inches separation at all times. 218 00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:15,454 Nobody's getting pregnant tonight. 219 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,998 That's the same thing I say on my dates. 220 00:08:18,081 --> 00:08:20,584 -(WHOOPS) -Not cool. 221 00:08:22,085 --> 00:08:23,837 -Let's hit it. -Hey, hey. 222 00:08:24,213 --> 00:08:25,672 Saving the best for last? 223 00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:28,759 Oh, I'm sorry, Nick, uh, you're not chaperone material. 224 00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:32,679 I've been at this job for a few weeks now and I know the stink of a bad kid. 225 00:08:32,763 --> 00:08:35,432 That makes me the perfect candidate to be a chaperone. 226 00:08:35,516 --> 00:08:39,394 Coach. Just think about it. I can get in the mind of a bad kid. 227 00:08:39,478 --> 00:08:42,022 Think like 'em. I can go deep. I can go too deep. 228 00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:44,358 I'm gonna put you in the parking lot to sweep for stragglers. 229 00:08:44,441 --> 00:08:46,485 -You want me on the streets. -It's not that important of a job. 230 00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:49,947 I won't let you down. 231 00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:52,074 I'm not gonna let you down! 232 00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:57,704 You taking a... A break right now? 233 00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:02,084 (SINGING) The fall You gave me nothing at all 234 00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:04,253 But still you're in my way 235 00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:06,171 I beg and borrow and steal 236 00:09:06,255 --> 00:09:07,840 At first sight and it's real 237 00:09:07,923 --> 00:09:09,842 I didn't know I would feel it 238 00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:11,343 When the heat moves you, you got to move... 239 00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:14,555 Okay, no heat. No heat. No heat, Bishop, no heat. 240 00:09:14,638 --> 00:09:16,473 Keep that heat locked up. (CHUCKLES) 241 00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:17,558 Keep that heat... 242 00:09:18,392 --> 00:09:20,394 (SINGS ALONG) Think you're going, baby 243 00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:22,229 I, this is... (MUMBLES) 244 00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:23,814 Crazy 245 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,399 Put that heat away, Bishop. 246 00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:28,777 Huh? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You got that, man. You got... 247 00:09:30,821 --> 00:09:32,030 What are you looking at? 248 00:09:32,698 --> 00:09:33,991 Cool mustache. 249 00:09:34,533 --> 00:09:35,742 (SHORT LAUGH) 250 00:09:35,826 --> 00:09:37,578 Too much heat. (LAUGHS) 251 00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,329 Too much heat. 252 00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:42,457 All right, kids, let's use the serving tongs. 253 00:09:42,541 --> 00:09:43,750 This isn't Appalachia. 254 00:09:44,168 --> 00:09:46,795 Hurry up, everybody, before Justin eats everything. 255 00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:53,135 Son, I don't think you meant to hurt Justin's feelings, there. 256 00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:55,262 What's going on, really? 257 00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:57,556 -Are the parents fighting at home? -(SCOFFS) 258 00:09:57,639 --> 00:09:58,682 Leave me alone, flamer. 259 00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:00,350 Flamer? 260 00:10:01,185 --> 00:10:03,312 You're the... You're the flamer, pal. 261 00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:04,479 -You're the flamer. -You're the flamer. 262 00:10:04,563 --> 00:10:06,148 -Flamer. -Stop saying that word, it's prob... 263 00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:07,316 Probably offensive to some people, you flamer. 264 00:10:07,399 --> 00:10:08,400 Flamer, flamer. 265 00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:10,277 -Yeah, take a doughnut, there, you flamer. -Flamer. 266 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,446 Schmidt. I got a bit of a situation here. 267 00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:14,489 Um, thoughts? Advice? 268 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:16,408 JESS: What now? 269 00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:19,661 Aw, son of a b... Penis. 270 00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:21,788 Ah, that wasn't better. 271 00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:23,290 Sorry, everyone. 272 00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:25,375 You were right. 273 00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:27,920 Someone's trying to mess with my dance. 274 00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:30,088 Hmm. (SNIFFS) It's paste. 275 00:10:30,506 --> 00:10:31,548 And it's fresh. 276 00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:33,300 (HUMMING A TUNE) 277 00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:38,180 (SINGING) Banana in the dark 278 00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:42,768 Uh-oh. 279 00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:44,811 You ruined my dance. 280 00:10:44,895 --> 00:10:47,356 I can smell the paste. Perpetrator. 281 00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:52,402 -(WHISPERING) He's in there. -Oh. 282 00:10:52,486 --> 00:10:54,196 Okay, when we get in there, 283 00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:56,657 I'm going to be good cop, you be bad cop, okay? 284 00:10:56,740 --> 00:10:57,741 Got it. 285 00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:00,953 JESS: There are two ways this can go. 286 00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:04,248 Number one, you tell us why you ruined the dance. 287 00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:09,044 Number two, I bash your skull in with a carburetor! 288 00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:10,170 (WHIMPERS) 289 00:11:10,254 --> 00:11:12,548 -I thought I was bad cop. -You are the bad cop. 290 00:11:12,631 --> 00:11:15,801 I'm the tough, competent cop, who's good at her job, 291 00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:17,845 you're the kind of fumbly, dumb cop 292 00:11:17,928 --> 00:11:19,096 who's... Who's nice and... 293 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,764 Yeah, that's not how it works, though. I mean, 294 00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:22,307 the good cop is nice and the bad cop is mean. 295 00:11:22,391 --> 00:11:23,559 That would be nice cop, mean cop. 296 00:11:23,642 --> 00:11:26,061 That's how it works on every cop show, when you watch it. 297 00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:27,145 I watch cop shows. 298 00:11:27,229 --> 00:11:28,647 -You need to pay more attention. -I do pay attention... 299 00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:30,607 What do you awful women want? 300 00:11:30,691 --> 00:11:32,025 We want to know 301 00:11:32,568 --> 00:11:36,154 why you locked the door and poured glue in the breaker. 302 00:11:36,488 --> 00:11:37,823 I didn't do any of that. 303 00:11:39,074 --> 00:11:42,452 Why would anybody want to ruin such a magical night? 304 00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:46,373 Uh, you're the only one who wanted to have this stupid dance. 305 00:11:46,456 --> 00:11:48,041 Revenge would be my guess. 306 00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:50,169 What do you know? 307 00:11:50,252 --> 00:11:53,255 Well, you have the grip of a much taller woman. 308 00:11:54,173 --> 00:11:56,133 (WHISPERS) And I don't not like that. 309 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,217 CECE: Ugh. 310 00:11:58,719 --> 00:12:01,221 (WHISTLES) 311 00:12:01,305 --> 00:12:02,306 ...some fireworks or something. 312 00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:05,976 What's up, gentlemen? 313 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:07,686 Just hanging out outside in the parking lot? 314 00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:09,646 We're not doing anything. We don't need a chaperone. 315 00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:12,482 (LAUGHS) Calling me a 'rone? 316 00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:16,153 I'm not a 'rone. I'm basically the same guy as you. 317 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,113 We're wearing the same shirt. 318 00:12:19,114 --> 00:12:21,325 I'm a good guy, I'm having fun. I'm just... 319 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:23,619 I'm bored in there, I'm looking to hang out. 320 00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:25,120 Is that a crime, officers? 321 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,081 Say, you guys got any billy whizz? 322 00:12:28,165 --> 00:12:30,542 Any juice, any sweet Mary Jane? I'm looking. 323 00:12:30,626 --> 00:12:32,211 Okay, if you're really not a chaperone... 324 00:12:33,587 --> 00:12:35,088 Why don't you take a sip of this? 325 00:12:35,881 --> 00:12:38,008 Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I got nothing to prove. 326 00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,259 Are you a 'rone or not? 327 00:12:40,135 --> 00:12:41,428 Give me that. 328 00:12:46,225 --> 00:12:48,268 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 329 00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:54,983 What is that? Is that a suicide? 330 00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:57,486 -The soda flavors all mixed together. -You know it, bro. 331 00:12:57,569 --> 00:13:00,197 -That was super intense. (LAUGHS) -(STUDENT LAUGHS) 332 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,032 Sorry, I spit some of it up. 333 00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:03,909 He's cool. 334 00:13:04,535 --> 00:13:05,786 (LAUGHING) 335 00:13:10,749 --> 00:13:11,959 Hey, buddy, uh... 336 00:13:12,042 --> 00:13:15,337 Tommy, is it? I just... I just wanted to apologize 337 00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:16,797 for what happened before, kiddo. 338 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,841 What, are you gonna propose to me, now? 339 00:13:18,924 --> 00:13:19,925 (BOYS LAUGH) 340 00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:22,427 (LAUGHS) 341 00:13:22,511 --> 00:13:24,513 That's funny. No, I... I get it. You know, when I... 342 00:13:24,596 --> 00:13:27,432 When I was young, I too found that humor can be a useful tool. 343 00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:29,059 Dude, get up, I'm not gonna marry you. 344 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,143 (SHORT LAUGH) 345 00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:35,816 I, too, found that humor can be a... (CLEARS THROAT) A useful tool. 346 00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:37,818 And then you grow up and you become a man. 347 00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:38,902 Well, you smell like a woman. 348 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,571 That's it, enough is enough with you. 349 00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:44,533 You think you're a tough guy, tough guy? Prove it, man. 350 00:13:44,616 --> 00:13:46,034 Name the time and place. 351 00:13:46,118 --> 00:13:48,203 15 minutes. Parking lot. 352 00:13:48,287 --> 00:13:49,663 -Fist fight? -Foot race. 353 00:13:50,789 --> 00:13:52,124 -A what? -Yeah, you heard me. 354 00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:53,458 Foot race, man. 355 00:13:53,542 --> 00:13:55,961 I'll run circles around you and all your pals. 356 00:14:00,924 --> 00:14:02,176 -(GIGGLING) -Oh. 357 00:14:02,259 --> 00:14:06,054 You girls are multiplying like bunnies. (CHUCKLES) That's weird. 358 00:14:06,138 --> 00:14:07,973 Lot more of you than there is of me. 359 00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:10,893 (WINSTON GIGGLES) 360 00:14:10,976 --> 00:14:12,978 (GIGGLING CONTINUES) 361 00:14:14,313 --> 00:14:17,065 We should lock all the doors. No one gets in, no one gets out. 362 00:14:17,149 --> 00:14:19,651 The culprit's inside. It's friggin' Gosford Park! 363 00:14:19,735 --> 00:14:21,570 You need to just calm down a little, Jess. 364 00:14:21,653 --> 00:14:24,406 I can't calm down! I want this to be perfect. 365 00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:26,325 I know, but it's too late for that, okay? 366 00:14:26,408 --> 00:14:28,702 There are kids doing their homework in there. 367 00:14:28,785 --> 00:14:29,828 It's bleak. 368 00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:33,540 I know after what happened with Nick you wanted this to go great, 369 00:14:33,624 --> 00:14:36,502 but it's not your fault that the dance got messed up, all right? 370 00:14:36,585 --> 00:14:37,878 You'll get 'em next time. 371 00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:40,339 Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! 372 00:14:40,422 --> 00:14:42,174 Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! 373 00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:45,636 Oh, that was a sugar rush, man. That's a buzz in the brain! 374 00:14:47,429 --> 00:14:49,932 -Ooh, ooh! -(LAUGHS) 375 00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:51,016 You guys see how high I just got? 376 00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,518 (LAUGHTER) 377 00:14:54,478 --> 00:14:55,771 (GROANS) 378 00:14:57,272 --> 00:14:58,273 I'm good. 379 00:14:58,357 --> 00:14:59,816 He ain't a 'rone. Too dumb. 380 00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:01,944 Aw, this is fun, man! I miss this! 381 00:15:02,027 --> 00:15:03,487 I really do, man. Let's keep going. 382 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,280 Let's get burgers. Meet some girls. 383 00:15:05,364 --> 00:15:07,282 Different ages, man. It's so early! 384 00:15:07,366 --> 00:15:10,452 Hey, we got something to show you. 385 00:15:11,662 --> 00:15:13,455 (SIGHS) 386 00:15:13,539 --> 00:15:15,624 Look, guys, we had a lot of fun, 387 00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:18,502 but we can get in a lot of trouble for doing this. 388 00:15:19,461 --> 00:15:23,048 Which is why you gotta run really fast when it goes off. 389 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:24,591 Like now! 390 00:15:24,675 --> 00:15:26,009 -Oh, dude! -Go! I mean it! Go! 391 00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:27,970 (LAUGHING) 392 00:15:29,137 --> 00:15:30,806 -Oh, my God! -Yeah! 393 00:15:31,473 --> 00:15:32,474 Yeah! 394 00:15:33,225 --> 00:15:34,518 What are we gonna do now? 395 00:15:36,270 --> 00:15:38,355 NICK: Let's ride. BOY: Oh, hell yeah! 396 00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:41,608 (GASPS) 397 00:15:41,692 --> 00:15:42,734 Wendy? 398 00:15:42,818 --> 00:15:44,945 (GROANS) Busted. 399 00:15:51,368 --> 00:15:54,746 Well, you really did come prepared, Wendy. A wrench... 400 00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:57,040 Some glue... 401 00:15:58,959 --> 00:16:02,087 A box of tampons? What were you gonna do with this? 402 00:16:02,171 --> 00:16:03,172 Um... 403 00:16:03,255 --> 00:16:05,591 Oh. Sorry, sorry, sorry. 404 00:16:07,426 --> 00:16:09,344 So you really didn't want the dance to happen? 405 00:16:09,428 --> 00:16:11,388 None of the boys want to dance with me. 406 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,599 -Jess? -Hey, Cece. 407 00:16:13,682 --> 00:16:15,309 -Hey. -This is Wendy. 408 00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:17,561 She was just telling me how she doesn't like to dance with boys. 409 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:18,979 (MOUTHING) 410 00:16:20,814 --> 00:16:22,357 Oh. (CLEARS THROAT) 411 00:16:23,275 --> 00:16:26,403 -Yeah. -Well, that makes sense 412 00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,280 because boys are the dumbest. 413 00:16:28,363 --> 00:16:29,698 You're just saying that. 414 00:16:29,781 --> 00:16:31,200 -No. No, no. -No. 415 00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:35,579 Cece and I have met so many boys, and they are all so dumb. 416 00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,915 Yeah, and I've met more than her, so... 417 00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:41,043 Yeah, and Cece has met more than me because she is... 418 00:16:41,126 --> 00:16:42,336 Nicer than me. 419 00:16:42,419 --> 00:16:44,463 -Nicer? -I just mean you've met... 420 00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:47,466 -'Cause you're well-traveled. -"Well-traveled" 421 00:16:47,549 --> 00:16:48,926 -is how we're gonna say it? -I mean... 422 00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:51,470 -You better tread lightly. I will... -Travel... You travel a lot. 423 00:16:52,638 --> 00:16:53,680 Mm-hmm. 424 00:16:53,764 --> 00:16:56,099 I don't think I'm ever gonna dance with a boy. 425 00:16:56,183 --> 00:16:58,852 Listen, are boys dumb? 426 00:16:59,645 --> 00:17:02,439 Yes. Yes. 427 00:17:02,523 --> 00:17:06,568 Do they do disappointing, stupid, stupid things 428 00:17:06,652 --> 00:17:10,489 that really hurt your feelings? Yes. 429 00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:13,659 Sometimes things don't work out the way you plan them. 430 00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:16,370 Actually, they never work out the way you plan them, 431 00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:20,457 but, in the end, it's all worth it, 432 00:17:21,124 --> 00:17:22,835 and that's why you have to try. 433 00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:28,674 Are you talking about sex or dancing? 434 00:17:28,757 --> 00:17:29,883 -Dancing. -Oh, God. 435 00:17:29,967 --> 00:17:31,093 -Dancing, dancing. -Dancing. 436 00:17:31,176 --> 00:17:32,177 -Upright dancing. -We're talking about dancing. 437 00:17:32,261 --> 00:17:34,388 Okay. I'll try. 438 00:17:34,471 --> 00:17:35,848 So let's get back out there. 439 00:17:35,931 --> 00:17:39,017 Oh, Cece, it's okay. There's no light, no music. 440 00:17:39,101 --> 00:17:40,227 The dance is over. 441 00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:42,062 Oh, no, this dance is not over. 442 00:17:43,105 --> 00:17:45,607 We just need to find some stupid boys. 443 00:17:47,526 --> 00:17:48,902 You look so slow. 444 00:17:48,986 --> 00:17:50,112 Like a s... Like a s... 445 00:17:50,195 --> 00:17:52,447 Super dumb, slow turtle. 446 00:17:52,531 --> 00:17:54,366 -I'm so fast, and you're so old. -So much like a... 447 00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:56,577 Like a turtle, it's crazy to me. 448 00:17:56,660 --> 00:17:57,786 Are we gonna do this or what? 449 00:17:57,870 --> 00:18:00,998 Oh, yeah, we're gonna do this. I'm like a Hebrew cheetah. 450 00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:02,374 On the count of three. 451 00:18:03,417 --> 00:18:04,418 One... 452 00:18:04,793 --> 00:18:05,794 Two... 453 00:18:05,878 --> 00:18:07,713 Thr... Flo-Jo! 454 00:18:09,006 --> 00:18:11,008 (WINSTON WHIMPERING) 455 00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:12,426 (GIRLS SCREAMING) 456 00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:15,721 -SCHMIDT: Flo-Jo! -(GIRLS SCREAMING) 457 00:18:15,804 --> 00:18:18,348 (INDISTINCT SCREAMING, SHOUTING) 458 00:18:18,974 --> 00:18:20,184 What are you doing? 459 00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:22,311 (SHOUTING, SCREAMING CONTINUES) 460 00:18:24,730 --> 00:18:26,899 (SHOUTING, SCREAMING CONTINUES) 461 00:18:27,649 --> 00:18:28,984 (GRUNTS) 462 00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:31,320 -(BLOWING WHISTLE) -(SCREAMING STOPS) 463 00:18:31,695 --> 00:18:32,696 Hello! 464 00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,448 (SCREAMING) 465 00:18:34,531 --> 00:18:36,909 Yeah! Yeah! 466 00:18:36,992 --> 00:18:39,536 -(GRUNTS) Man! -(LAUGHING) 467 00:18:39,620 --> 00:18:41,622 -What is your problem, man? -I wasn't driving! 468 00:18:41,705 --> 00:18:43,415 (INDISTINCT ARGUING) 469 00:18:43,498 --> 00:18:44,791 Are you kidding me? 470 00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:47,252 (BLOWS WHISTLE) 471 00:18:47,336 --> 00:18:49,546 All students inside now! 472 00:18:49,630 --> 00:18:51,507 Go, go, go, go, go, go. 473 00:18:51,590 --> 00:18:56,762 You three are the worst chaperones possible on earth. 474 00:18:56,845 --> 00:18:58,263 A dog would be better than you. 475 00:18:58,347 --> 00:19:01,892 A plant wearing underwear would be better than you. 476 00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:05,604 Ray Charles' ghost would be better than you! 477 00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:07,523 Wh... 478 00:19:07,606 --> 00:19:08,941 What kind of men are you? 479 00:19:09,775 --> 00:19:11,401 -(DOOR OPENS) -JESS: Hey! 480 00:19:12,402 --> 00:19:13,695 Stupid boys! 481 00:19:15,072 --> 00:19:16,365 We need ya. 482 00:19:16,907 --> 00:19:19,243 Who's ready to have a good time? 483 00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,453 The lights went out, and you made your own light. 484 00:19:21,537 --> 00:19:22,538 (CHEERING) 485 00:19:22,621 --> 00:19:25,290 The music went out, and we're gonna make our own music. 486 00:19:25,374 --> 00:19:26,750 (CHEERING) 487 00:19:26,834 --> 00:19:28,627 We have a very special guest for you tonight. 488 00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:31,797 Please give a big Coolidge Middle School welcome 489 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,383 to the Dumbest Boys in School! 490 00:19:34,466 --> 00:19:36,176 (CHEERING) 491 00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:38,345 I thought we were going with Sweet Surrender. 492 00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:39,680 This won't be good. 493 00:19:39,763 --> 00:19:41,098 (GIRLS SCREAMING) 494 00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:44,268 Calm down, girls. Don't get crazy. Just calm down. 495 00:19:44,351 --> 00:19:47,104 CECE: Okay, Coolidge, get ready to hit the dance floor 496 00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:50,774 in three, two, one! (WHOOPS) 497 00:19:50,858 --> 00:19:52,359 Aw, yeah. All right. 498 00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:53,986 (BEATBOXING) 499 00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:58,115 Rap battle. 8 Mile. 500 00:19:58,198 --> 00:20:01,827 This one goes out to your vice principal and my friend, Jessica Day. 501 00:20:01,910 --> 00:20:04,413 (RAPPING) I don't wear indigo I don't wear teal 502 00:20:04,496 --> 00:20:06,164 You better look out You know that's right 503 00:20:06,248 --> 00:20:08,834 That's right 'cause-'cause Schmidt is for real, mmm 504 00:20:08,917 --> 00:20:10,502 I take that back, actually 505 00:20:10,586 --> 00:20:12,504 I do wear teal sometimes 506 00:20:13,172 --> 00:20:16,175 When I say "sometimes," you say "teal." Sometimes! 507 00:20:16,258 --> 00:20:17,259 -ALL: Teal! -Sometimes! 508 00:20:17,342 --> 00:20:18,385 -Teal! -Sometimes! 509 00:20:18,468 --> 00:20:19,678 -Teal! -Mic drop. 510 00:20:19,761 --> 00:20:20,846 (CHEERING) 511 00:20:21,805 --> 00:20:24,016 -What's up, what's up, what's up? -(CHEERING) 512 00:20:24,099 --> 00:20:26,018 Anybody here from Chicago? Chicago, Illinois? 513 00:20:26,101 --> 00:20:29,021 City of Big Shoulders, Big Dreams! 514 00:20:29,104 --> 00:20:30,814 That would make sense. You guys go to school here. 515 00:20:30,898 --> 00:20:34,109 You're just kids, so you're all from here. Somebody else go. 516 00:20:34,193 --> 00:20:35,235 -That was it? -Yeah. 517 00:20:35,319 --> 00:20:36,528 (SCREAMING) 518 00:20:37,946 --> 00:20:40,032 (RAPPING) Gonna be a cop Straight walking a beat 519 00:20:40,115 --> 00:20:42,075 Role model, out on the street 520 00:20:42,159 --> 00:20:44,786 Unless I get assigned to a desk Which is also vital 521 00:20:44,870 --> 00:20:47,372 Because when paperwork slides That's how you get a mistrial 522 00:20:47,456 --> 00:20:49,416 When I say "miss," you say "trial." 523 00:20:49,499 --> 00:20:50,709 -Miss. -ALL: Trial. 524 00:20:50,792 --> 00:20:52,544 I said, when I say "miss," you say "trial." 525 00:20:52,628 --> 00:20:54,171 Miss, unless you trying to die. 526 00:20:54,254 --> 00:20:56,256 -NICK: What, are you nuts? -Then know who you are. 527 00:20:56,340 --> 00:20:58,342 -A whole carton of dumbasses. -WINSTON: Ruin them khakis you got on. 528 00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:01,094 -Thank you all very much! Thank you! -I'm just saying, they're wearing light... 529 00:21:01,178 --> 00:21:03,347 -NICK: Hey, they're kids. -Good idea, Todd. 530 00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:05,974 WINSTON: ...also got to die. NICK: Ow! 531 00:21:06,058 --> 00:21:08,560 MICHAEL FRANTI: One, two, one, two. 532 00:21:08,644 --> 00:21:09,770 Here we go. 533 00:21:09,853 --> 00:21:12,231 (SINGING) I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive 534 00:21:12,314 --> 00:21:14,399 I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive 535 00:21:14,483 --> 00:21:16,401 This is what it sounds like 536 00:21:16,485 --> 00:21:18,904 Oh... Oh 537 00:21:18,987 --> 00:21:21,323 I'm alive 538 00:21:23,492 --> 00:21:25,327 (WHISTLING ALONG TO MUSIC) 539 00:21:28,372 --> 00:21:30,374 This is what it sounds like 540 00:21:30,457 --> 00:21:34,545 Oh, oh, I'm alive... 40372

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