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1
00:00:01,627 --> 00:00:03,670
-That's so cute!
-Bum, bum, bum!
2
00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:05,005
Birthday Eve Cocktail.
3
00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:07,966
Oh, my God. You're my favorite
bartender. Thank you!
4
00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:13,055
(HOARSELY)
Oh, my God. What is that?
5
00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:15,224
Oh, no, is it not good? I'm still learning
how to make drinks.
6
00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:17,893
-I'm better at shots. Wanna birthday shot?
-Oh, yeah.
7
00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:19,394
I think I'm good.
8
00:00:19,478 --> 00:00:21,230
So, any special birthday plans?
9
00:00:21,313 --> 00:00:23,774
No, she's just gonna go
to the movies alone, as usual.
10
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,984
No, I'm not, actually.
Uh, this year...
11
00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:29,196
Nick asked me
to spend the day with him.
12
00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:30,822
That's so sweet. I mean,
what are you gonna do?
13
00:00:30,906 --> 00:00:32,032
Something special?
14
00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,117
Maybe. You know,
whatever Nick wants to do.
15
00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:35,494
I'm not really
a birthday person.
16
00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:38,830
-Please.
-I have a lot of expectations for people.
17
00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:41,250
-Happy birthday.
-(CHUCKLING) Oh, my God.
18
00:00:41,333 --> 00:00:43,293
(CHUCKLES)
19
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,295
(SIGHS)
20
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,256
"Made in China"?
21
00:00:47,339 --> 00:00:49,508
Are you taking me to China?
22
00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:52,636
And that's why, a long time ago,
23
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:55,722
I decided that I would spend
my birthday alone at the movies.
24
00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:57,933
It's just... safer, you know?
25
00:00:58,016 --> 00:01:00,894
No getting your hopes up,
no getting let down.
26
00:01:00,978 --> 00:01:02,729
Well, I know how you feel
about movies.
27
00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:05,691
I mean, my parents took me
to see Witness
28
00:01:05,774 --> 00:01:07,317
and then they never came back.
29
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:09,319
-What?
-I can really quote that movie though.
30
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,030
(IMITATING ELI LAPP) "Be careful out
among them English."
31
00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:14,199
But enough about me!
32
00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:15,993
I am talking your ear off, lady,
33
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:17,244
and it's your birthday.
34
00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:19,121
This year's gonna be different.
35
00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:21,248
Maybe Nick has something big
planned, maybe not.
36
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,083
I'm gonna be chill.
37
00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:24,543
No expectations.
38
00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:26,545
Low maintenance. No maintenance.
39
00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:27,963
I'm just gonna be
one of those...
40
00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:29,548
cool girlfriends,
like in the movies.
41
00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:31,675
She just, like, has bed head
and she wears,
42
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:34,344
like, men's shirts and
she's just like, "Yeah, cool.
43
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,972
"I'll wear, like, men's shirts
and, like, sneakers and stuff.
44
00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:39,016
And, like, I don't care
about how I look."
45
00:01:40,559 --> 00:01:42,895
Hey. Hey.
46
00:01:42,978 --> 00:01:45,731
She has no idea
about the party.
47
00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:47,983
(CHEERING, LAUGHING)
48
00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:49,776
Uh, Winston's
STD-free.
49
00:01:49,860 --> 00:01:52,571
(CHEERING)
50
00:01:52,654 --> 00:01:55,157
-Whew! It was a close call. Yeah.
-(CHUCKLING) Yeah.
51
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,117
Yeah. Yeah.
52
00:01:57,201 --> 00:01:59,578
Close call, y'all.
(CHUCKLES)
53
00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:01,747
Who's that girl?
54
00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:04,291
Who's that girl?
It's Jess.
55
00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:08,795
(GROANS)
(WHISTLES)
56
00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:09,922
Do you guys
know how hard it's been
57
00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:12,007
for me to keep this party
a secret?
58
00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:14,092
Nick, it's been an inspiration,
and that's why we're
59
00:02:14,176 --> 00:02:16,011
gonna help you cross
that finish line, okay?
60
00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:17,179
This is our Rudy.
61
00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:18,388
Very condescending
but thank you.
62
00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:20,307
-Right on.
-All right, team check-in.
63
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:21,808
Coach, where we at
with decorations?
64
00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:23,227
-I forgot.
-Wait, what?
65
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:25,562
Psych! I'm the
best at stuff.
66
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:29,024
I don't forget stuff.
First place!
67
00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:30,943
Wait. Why are you
first place?
68
00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:32,611
I dominated
on cake patrol.
69
00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:34,154
And thank you
for getting that cake.
70
00:02:34,238 --> 00:02:35,405
You don't have to add
the "patrol."
71
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,157
Decorations beats cake.
72
00:02:37,241 --> 00:02:40,035
Uh, no. Cake definitely
beats decorations.
73
00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:41,620
Oh, really? Let's do
a word association game, okay?
74
00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:42,955
Yeah. I'm in, I'm in.
75
00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:45,541
-Birthday.
-Decorations. Wait, what'd I say?
76
00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,543
Okay, Schmidt, are you ready
to transport all electronics
77
00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:49,211
to the party venue?
78
00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:51,421
By "electronics," you mean
this itty-bitty flash drive
79
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:54,258
that I can fit in my pocket
and that is light as air?
80
00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:55,551
I need a verbal confirmation.
81
00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:57,636
You insult me. Yes.
82
00:02:57,719 --> 00:02:59,555
Cece, you ready to cover
my shift tomorrow with Mike?
83
00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:01,223
Born ready. Yes.
84
00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:03,559
Oh. You're giving your Saturday
to Cece?
85
00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:06,770
That's cool.
That's really wonderful.
86
00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:09,022
-Can you tell I'm being sarcastic?
-Absolutely.
87
00:03:09,106 --> 00:03:10,607
-Yeah, it's pretty clear.
-I'm ready.
88
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,025
You set fire to soda water.
89
00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:13,193
Who does that?
90
00:03:13,277 --> 00:03:14,444
How do you even possibly
do that?
91
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:16,029
It's not a flammable thing.
92
00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:17,781
It's not even...
Are you a witch?
93
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:19,032
Mike...
94
00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:21,785
MIKE: I hate all of you
hipsters so much...
95
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:23,245
Okay, and I'm gonna be
on Jess Watch.
96
00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:24,872
I'm gonna make sure
she doesn't see anything
97
00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:26,582
that will ruin the surprise
of this party
98
00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:29,293
that has taken everything
from me,
99
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,295
emotionally and physically
and financially.
100
00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:32,671
So what do you have
planned for the day?
101
00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:35,257
(LAUGHING)
A big surprise party.
102
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:36,800
Next.
103
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:38,468
Right, but before then.
104
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:42,681
The party's at 7:00. What do you
have planned b-before that?
105
00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:45,100
-Wait...
-Nick, you need a plan, okay?
106
00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:48,437
I don't care what Jess says.
She's going to expect something.
107
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,647
I have to plan a birthday
before the birthday?
108
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:52,274
-The whole day is the birthday.
-This is a very big deal.
109
00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:54,443
This is your first birthday
together as a couple.
110
00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:57,487
All right, you know what?
It's gonna be okay.
111
00:03:57,571 --> 00:04:01,116
It's her birthday. That girl's
gonna want to sleep in.
112
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,702
My day is not starting
till noon.
113
00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:05,579
(BEEPING)
114
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,501
This is the time
I was born.
115
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:13,295
I'm wide awake.
116
00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:17,382
(WHISPERS)
It's my birthday.
117
00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:22,930
(WHISPERED ARGUMENT)
118
00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,723
My day started earlier
than I thought.
119
00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:27,434
I got to slow down breakfast.
120
00:04:27,518 --> 00:04:30,145
What's going on with you guys?
Nick, first of all, blessings.
121
00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:32,356
Um, second of all,
there may have been
122
00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:34,107
a possible mix-up
with the cake.
123
00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:35,234
Possibly.
124
00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:38,070
"See You in Hell, Boomer"?
Oh, my God!
125
00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:40,531
What part of you thought
this was Jess's cake?
126
00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,282
I thought it was an inside joke.
127
00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:44,326
-I'll do the cake.
-No, I am the cake patrol.
128
00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:46,078
Both of you do the cake.
129
00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:47,579
I'm considering
this problem solved.
130
00:04:47,663 --> 00:04:49,540
Hey, speaking of problems,
do you want me to go check up
131
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,333
-on Cece at the bar today?
-I don't think that's necessary.
132
00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,961
All right, I'll do it.
But you owe me one, bro.
133
00:04:54,044 --> 00:04:56,338
I need to make
a 90-minute omelet.
134
00:04:57,548 --> 00:05:00,676
I love my birthday breakfast.
135
00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:02,344
I can't believe you were gonna
make this all yourself.
136
00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:03,846
It would've taken you hours.
137
00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:05,806
I know. And with your help,
it took six minutes.
138
00:05:05,931 --> 00:05:07,766
I know. I'm so fast.
139
00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:09,977
What do you say
we go into my bedroom
140
00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:12,145
and, uh, slow things down?
141
00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:13,981
Ooh.
(CHUCKLES)
142
00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:15,774
Wow.
143
00:05:15,858 --> 00:05:18,360
That's the fastest
it's ever taken.
144
00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:20,696
I know. You just look
very pretty.
145
00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:22,406
(CHUCKLES)
146
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:24,324
So, you want to take
a long nap?
147
00:05:24,408 --> 00:05:26,743
Oh. Um...
148
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,204
If that's what you
have planned, then, yes,
149
00:05:29,288 --> 00:05:30,581
let's take a long nap.
150
00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:34,293
Perfect. Maybe for,
like, six, seven hours?
151
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,086
Hmm...
152
00:05:36,587 --> 00:05:38,422
It's just
such a nice day outside...
153
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,424
Yeah. Um, so let's take, uh...
154
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:43,010
let's take this party outside.
155
00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:46,013
Sure.
Next up on the agenda is...
156
00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,347
it's lunch.
157
00:05:47,431 --> 00:05:49,016
It's 8:30 in the morning.
158
00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:51,310
Oh, my God, it's so early.
159
00:05:55,439 --> 00:05:56,940
What are you doing here,
Schmidt?
160
00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,775
Nick thought
you might need some help.
161
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,235
Yeah, well, I don't, okay?
162
00:06:00,319 --> 00:06:01,612
So... you can go.
163
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:02,946
Maybe I'll just stay
for a little bit.
164
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:04,615
Double-tap some Insta-G's.
165
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:07,159
Okay.
166
00:06:07,326 --> 00:06:08,827
Oh, hey, Mike.
167
00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:10,787
I cleaned the glasses.
168
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,457
Oh, wow, a bunch of broken
glass in the ice tub.
169
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:16,043
-That'll be fun for me to clean up.
-I'm sorry. Um...
170
00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:17,628
I'm not gonna cover
for you like Nick does, okay?
171
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,796
I promise you that.
And don't make eyes at me
172
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,798
because it's not gonna work
because I'm super gay.
173
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,509
When I look at you,
I just see...
174
00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:24,760
You know, it's fine,
175
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:26,178
but it's bumpy, it's creepy.
176
00:06:26,261 --> 00:06:28,055
Eh.
177
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,431
Doesn't do anything.
It's like...
178
00:06:29,515 --> 00:06:30,974
looking at this, it's like a...
179
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:33,435
it's, it's, it's, it's, it's...
it's not o...
180
00:06:33,519 --> 00:06:35,604
It's not a good...
it's not good.
181
00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:39,942
-Okay.
-This, all this, everything you got, eh.
182
00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:42,903
Three out of... six.
183
00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:46,448
Damn shame
about that cake, Winston.
184
00:06:46,532 --> 00:06:49,618
Looks like someone dominated
their party task.
185
00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:51,620
"Coach, where are
all the kazoos?"
186
00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:53,872
All over your face.
187
00:06:53,956 --> 00:06:55,666
I'll pick those up.
188
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,043
Or maybe in my spare time...
189
00:06:58,126 --> 00:06:59,837
I'll make a cake.
190
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:02,214
(BUZZING)
191
00:07:02,297 --> 00:07:04,424
-Just back off, Coach.
-(PHONE RINGS)
192
00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:05,843
What's up, Nick?
193
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,177
-How's the cake situation?
-COACH: Cake's good.
194
00:07:07,261 --> 00:07:08,929
Can I just see the phone?
Can I see the phone really quick?
195
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:11,014
-Got it. Dude, get...
-Hey. Cake's good, man. I'm on top of it.
196
00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:12,808
So, how's your plan
working out?
197
00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,852
Okay, I have no plan.
I'm just winging it, okay?
198
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,645
I panicked
and took her to a drugstore.
199
00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,522
She's getting
a free diabetes test.
200
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,107
I don't know where to take her.
Is it safe to bring her home?
201
00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:23,110
-Hey.
-Oh! The birthday girl!
202
00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:25,654
I got the test.
My blood sugar is normal.
203
00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:27,531
Already? You did that...
all that already?
204
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:30,450
-Yeah.
-Birthday girl gets all your favorite...
205
00:07:30,534 --> 00:07:32,703
Next activity.
206
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,329
I see what you're
trying to do here, man.
207
00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:37,332
-You're trying to show me up.
-What are you talking about, Bish?
208
00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:38,834
I'm referring to basketball.
209
00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:41,420
When we used to play back in the
day, no matter how open I was,
210
00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,672
you never passed me the ball,
you never let me shoot.
211
00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:45,507
You just couldn't
stand to let me shine.
212
00:07:45,591 --> 00:07:48,677
Your nostrils are flaring
so much right now,
213
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,929
it's distracting.
214
00:07:51,013 --> 00:07:52,723
I'm done letting you
run the court.
215
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,516
I'm building my own court.
216
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:58,687
And it's gonna be bigger
and yummier than yours.
217
00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:01,148
Are you challenging me
to a bake-off, Bish?
218
00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:03,483
Yes, I am challenging
you to a bake-off.
219
00:08:03,609 --> 00:08:06,862
Okay. Well, then, I'll...
do the countdown.
220
00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:08,697
You know what? I'll do
the countdown then.
221
00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:10,866
The countdown begins
222
00:08:10,949 --> 00:08:12,993
when this timer goes off.
223
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:15,287
(TIMER TICKING)
224
00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:16,538
(SIGHS)
225
00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:20,709
You set the timer
for 20 minutes.
226
00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:23,754
(WINDING, TICKING)
227
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:26,965
I'm gonna make a cake so moist,
228
00:08:27,049 --> 00:08:29,927
girls are gonna be, like,
"Ew. Why do you say moist?
229
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,762
I hate that word."
230
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,931
I'm gonna be, like,
"Just taste the cake."
231
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,183
And they're gonna be, like,
"Damn, it's moist!"
232
00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:37,392
(INHALES DEEPLY)
233
00:08:37,476 --> 00:08:38,477
And...
234
00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:40,187
-(DINGS)
-Bake! Okay, bake!
235
00:08:40,270 --> 00:08:41,271
-I said it first.
-I said it first.
236
00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:42,356
-I said it first.
-I said it first.
237
00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:45,192
A customer ordered
an old-fashioned,
238
00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:48,904
and she got gin in a mug
with a peanut in it.
239
00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:51,532
-I'll fix it.
-Make me an old-fashioned right now,
240
00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:52,741
or I'm gonna call the manager.
241
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,576
And I want to
talk to him anyway,
242
00:08:54,660 --> 00:08:55,786
because he's just gorgeous.
243
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:58,747
I want to be a barnacle
on his ship.
244
00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:00,749
Just hanging on by my mouth,
245
00:09:00,832 --> 00:09:03,585
getting all the nutrients
I need.
246
00:09:03,669 --> 00:09:05,379
Okay, an old-fashioned, an
old-fashioned, an old-fashioned.
247
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,381
If it's old-fashioned, it probably has
something like...
248
00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:09,424
-absinthe...
-Oh, the old-fashioned.
249
00:09:09,508 --> 00:09:12,427
One of my favorite drinks,
a classic cocktail.
250
00:09:13,846 --> 00:09:16,849
(SIGHS) Just a half ounce
of simple syrup.
251
00:09:19,685 --> 00:09:23,188
Splash of water,
two dashes of bitters.
252
00:09:23,272 --> 00:09:24,731
Mix that up
with some ice.
253
00:09:24,815 --> 00:09:28,151
And then, you know
my personal favorite.
254
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,362
You know, and just,
far be it from me,
255
00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:31,738
but the bourbon whiskey.
256
00:09:31,822 --> 00:09:34,199
-Bourbon.
-Two ounces of bourbon whiskey.
257
00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:36,451
No. Hmm.
258
00:09:36,535 --> 00:09:38,787
It's not the Scotch whiskey.
It's...
259
00:09:38,871 --> 00:09:40,038
No, it's certainly
not the vermouth.
260
00:09:40,122 --> 00:09:41,456
Vermouth would be insane.
261
00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:42,833
Yes, the bourbon whiskey.
262
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:45,544
My favorite.
Wonderful.
263
00:09:46,712 --> 00:09:49,047
Look at that.
Old-fashioned.
264
00:09:49,131 --> 00:09:52,801
Hmm. Old-fashioned?
265
00:09:52,885 --> 00:09:56,013
Oh, my stars and garters,
you made a drink.
266
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,557
Holy crud.
267
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,227
(PHONE RINGS)
268
00:10:02,311 --> 00:10:04,688
Yes, Nick!
269
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,481
I have the electronics!
270
00:10:06,565 --> 00:10:08,192
Do you know any, like,
time-consuming
271
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,611
and free activities
in Griffith Park?
272
00:10:10,694 --> 00:10:13,030
Gross! Suicide?
273
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,698
Schmidt, please.
I need some a...
274
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:18,035
Well, just figure
it out, dude!
275
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,495
-Oh, it's my mom.
-Okay, um,
276
00:10:20,579 --> 00:10:22,039
found the biggest rock
I could carry.
277
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,082
(LAUGHS)
It was this one. Um...
278
00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:25,667
-It's heavy.
-It's huge. Yeah, heavy.
279
00:10:25,751 --> 00:10:27,211
Oh, my God. Um...
280
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:28,879
What are we doing here?
281
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:32,508
It's not that I'm not
having fun, 'cause I am.
282
00:10:32,591 --> 00:10:35,093
It's okay if you didn't plan
anything for my birthday.
283
00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,845
-Are you kidding?
-Really, Nick.
284
00:10:36,929 --> 00:10:38,263
Not only did I
plan something,
285
00:10:38,347 --> 00:10:40,307
but my plan's about
to blow your mind.
286
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,809
-Honestly.
-You need to trust me a little bit.
287
00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:45,646
'Cause everything is about
to be made very clear
288
00:10:45,729 --> 00:10:47,689
-very soon.
-Oh, my God!
289
00:10:47,773 --> 00:10:49,816
-What?
-Nick!
290
00:10:51,193 --> 00:10:53,070
-You're the best.
-(LAUGHING) I'm amazing.
291
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,863
-I'm so surprised!
-I'm so surprised.
292
00:10:54,947 --> 00:10:57,115
-This is amazing!
-It's amazing!
293
00:10:57,199 --> 00:10:59,409
-This is amazing! Yay!
-Oh, son of a bitch!
294
00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:00,911
-Oh!
-Don't touch anything!
295
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,330
-It'll ruin the surprise! Yeah.
-Yay!
296
00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:04,873
-(LAUGHING) Yes.
-Yeah...
297
00:11:04,957 --> 00:11:07,125
-Yay!
-Hey, Jess, let's get out of here
298
00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:08,877
-before anything ruins a perfect moment.
-Ooh!
299
00:11:08,961 --> 00:11:11,255
I wouldn't... Wait because
we've got a whole, uh, ceremony.
300
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:12,840
No!
301
00:11:12,923 --> 00:11:15,884
That lady took my birthday!
302
00:11:15,968 --> 00:11:18,720
What is happening?
303
00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:28,105
-Jess! Look, look, I'm sorry, Jess.
-No, no, no, Nick,
304
00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:30,691
I just... I don't know why
I get so crazy about birthdays.
305
00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:33,318
You know, it's crazy,
'cause you had a very
306
00:11:33,402 --> 00:11:34,736
fun day put together
307
00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:36,947
of eggs and sex and...
308
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,575
(VOICE BREAKING)
and a really long uphill walk.
309
00:11:39,658 --> 00:11:41,910
And, um... Look, um,
310
00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:44,121
that's amazing for you,
you know?
311
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:45,581
For me?
312
00:11:45,664 --> 00:11:47,583
You're not a guy
who plans things.
313
00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:50,919
Maybe I am.
Look... (LAUGHS)
314
00:11:51,003 --> 00:11:52,963
every day, you show me,
in your own way,
315
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,798
how you care about me.
316
00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:56,967
Like when you pick up
rubber bands on the sidewalk.
317
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,511
-For your ponytail.
-I could not be more fine.
318
00:11:59,595 --> 00:12:02,389
I'm super chill.
319
00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,391
I'm just gonna go home
for a second.
320
00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:05,934
-Bye.
-Jess, let's keep... Jess!
321
00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:08,270
(CRYING)
Don't follow me.
322
00:12:09,855 --> 00:12:12,399
-Sure you know how to tap a keg?
-How hard could it be?
323
00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,735
It's beer, for crying out loud.
It's the drink of idiots.
324
00:12:14,818 --> 00:12:17,321
-Wait. Nick told me something about...
-Cece, look, I got... I got it.
325
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,781
-Ooh, there's a knob back here.
-I got it in.
326
00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:20,908
He told me if I turn this,
327
00:12:20,991 --> 00:12:21,992
-I should be able to...
-What are you doing?
328
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,620
-Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, no!
-Turn it off!
329
00:12:24,703 --> 00:12:26,205
-Oh, sorry! It's just...
-Turn it off!
330
00:12:26,288 --> 00:12:28,749
Oh.
331
00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:30,918
You butt hole.
332
00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:33,420
You can't do anything
right, can you?
333
00:12:33,504 --> 00:12:35,797
(SOFTLY)
I'm so sorry.
334
00:12:40,844 --> 00:12:42,596
He's right, though.
335
00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:44,014
I can't do anything.
336
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,599
No skills.
337
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:48,810
Never told you this,
but I didn't even graduate high school.
338
00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:51,355
A lot of people
never graduated high school.
339
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,649
Okay-- Einstein, Bill Gates,
340
00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:55,859
Anne Frank.
341
00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:57,861
I'm gonna take back
that last one.
342
00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,738
Why did I think
that I could bartend?
343
00:12:59,947 --> 00:13:02,574
Because you can.
344
00:13:02,658 --> 00:13:04,952
You are strong, and
you are confident.
345
00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:06,787
Those are skills. Use them.
346
00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,997
And be a little bit
meaner to the people here.
347
00:13:09,081 --> 00:13:11,792
It should be easy for you.
Just pretend that they're me.
348
00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:13,001
(LAUGHS)
349
00:13:13,085 --> 00:13:14,837
You're right. That is easy.
350
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,630
And pull your shirt down
a little bit.
351
00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:17,840
This isn't a monastery.
352
00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:19,049
Do not push your luck with me.
353
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,468
-I'll look away.
-Thank you.
354
00:13:21,552 --> 00:13:23,470
You're wearing
paper towels. Behind!
355
00:13:23,554 --> 00:13:25,013
No it's
an environmental-friendly,
356
00:13:25,097 --> 00:13:26,473
recyclable apron.
357
00:13:26,557 --> 00:13:29,017
-Behind! Behind!
-Okay, real... really? Okay.
358
00:13:29,101 --> 00:13:30,269
-Okay.
-Behind.
359
00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:31,603
Behind! Behind!
Behind.
360
00:13:31,687 --> 00:13:33,063
Whoa! Behind!
361
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,023
Behind! Behind!
Behind you! Behind!
362
00:13:35,107 --> 00:13:36,817
-(LAUGHS) Oh, so you...
-Behind!
363
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:38,402
Behind!
Whoa!
364
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:39,903
Behind. In front.
365
00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:42,030
-Behind. What's this?
-(MUTTERS)
366
00:13:42,114 --> 00:13:45,909
(SIGHS)
367
00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:47,244
-(JESS CRYING)
-It's Jess!
368
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,620
-Oh, my God.
-I mean, it's Jess! Hey!
369
00:13:48,704 --> 00:13:50,205
What's up, girl? What you...
370
00:13:50,289 --> 00:13:51,707
-doing home?
-(CRYING) I'm great. I'm great.
371
00:13:51,790 --> 00:13:53,500
(WHISPERING) Hide the cake.
Hide the...
372
00:13:53,584 --> 00:13:54,918
-I'm great.
-Behind.
373
00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:56,086
(WHISPERING)
374
00:13:56,170 --> 00:13:57,671
COACH:
How's your day going?
375
00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:58,881
-WINSTON: Going good?
-(SOBBING)
376
00:13:58,964 --> 00:14:02,050
You're crying?
377
00:14:02,134 --> 00:14:04,052
-(SOBBING CONTINUES)
-I'm taking...
378
00:14:04,136 --> 00:14:05,512
-Um...
-I got mine off first.
379
00:14:05,596 --> 00:14:07,055
-No, you didn't.
-Rest up over here.
380
00:14:07,139 --> 00:14:09,057
What a day, guys.
381
00:14:09,141 --> 00:14:10,684
COACH: Really long, huh?
Yeah.
382
00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:11,894
Bet you had a
long day, huh?
383
00:14:11,977 --> 00:14:13,061
I'm really fine.
384
00:14:13,145 --> 00:14:14,980
I had a real day, you know.
385
00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:16,607
(COACH GRUNTING)
386
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,650
I'm disappointed in Nick.
387
00:14:18,734 --> 00:14:20,861
Yeah, you got to let that out,
you know, 'cause...
388
00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:24,114
But I'm disappointed in myself because I'm
disappointed in Nick, you know.
389
00:14:24,198 --> 00:14:26,450
-Oh, I feel you. Yeah, you're right.
-Yeah, that's messed up.
390
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,869
-Yeah, let it out. Let it out.
-I'm getting up.
391
00:14:28,952 --> 00:14:30,120
-Oh...
-No, no, no... Jess...
392
00:14:30,204 --> 00:14:33,749
Hey. Look at me.
Look at me. Look at me.
393
00:14:33,832 --> 00:14:35,876
Want you to close your
eyes, breathe deep,
394
00:14:35,959 --> 00:14:38,754
and go to the most
magical place on earth--
395
00:14:38,837 --> 00:14:40,339
your imagination.
396
00:14:40,422 --> 00:14:42,549
Have you guys been baking?
397
00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:44,134
Ah, nah.
Bakery downtown exploded.
398
00:14:44,218 --> 00:14:45,928
Don't look into it.
It's not on the Internet.
399
00:14:46,762 --> 00:14:49,932
Yeah. She is here.
What happened?
400
00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:52,768
She doesn't think I can do
anything or plan anything,
401
00:14:52,851 --> 00:14:54,770
and it feels like crap.
402
00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:56,146
Maybe she's right.
403
00:14:56,230 --> 00:14:57,940
Why did I think
I could pull this off?
404
00:14:58,023 --> 00:15:00,108
I'm pretty sure
I'm having a heart attack.
405
00:15:00,192 --> 00:15:01,693
And I haven't arranged
406
00:15:01,777 --> 00:15:04,112
for anybody
to clear my Internet history.
407
00:15:04,196 --> 00:15:05,781
I wasn't building a bomb!
408
00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:07,574
I was just curious.
409
00:15:07,658 --> 00:15:09,910
Nick, you got a whole team of
friends pulling for you, okay?
410
00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:12,204
Just get yourself home.
You can still pull this off.
411
00:15:13,622 --> 00:15:14,706
Hey, Mike.
412
00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:16,708
-What?
-So I cleaned out the beer trap,
413
00:15:16,792 --> 00:15:18,293
I polished all these
wine glasses,
414
00:15:18,377 --> 00:15:20,170
and I turned that
penis graffiti in the bathroom
415
00:15:20,254 --> 00:15:21,964
into a whimsical hat.
416
00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:25,384
Now my friend and I
have to go to a party.
417
00:15:25,467 --> 00:15:27,719
All right, Schmidt,
let's go.
418
00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:30,681
-You called me your friend.
-Did I?
419
00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:34,142
And now, look, no matter what we see
in here, I just want you to know that
420
00:15:34,226 --> 00:15:36,019
it's been an honor
working with you.
421
00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:38,105
You, too, man.
422
00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:45,737
Oh...
423
00:15:45,821 --> 00:15:48,115
(CHUCKLING)
Wow, look at that.
424
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,035
(OVEN DOOR CLOSES)
425
00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:53,370
Oh, my God.
426
00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:56,790
Oh, man. (CHUCKLES)
427
00:15:56,874 --> 00:15:58,166
Our, uh...
428
00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:00,127
Our cakes merged.
429
00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:01,879
-Looks as if they have.
-Yeah.
430
00:16:03,714 --> 00:16:06,842
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Well...
431
00:16:06,925 --> 00:16:08,135
-Hey!
-Aah!
432
00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:09,511
-Ah.
-Ah. (CHUCKLES)
433
00:16:09,595 --> 00:16:12,556
-Team check-in. Where we at?
-Our cake became double cake.
434
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:13,640
Yeah. Two cakes.
435
00:16:13,724 --> 00:16:15,642
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
436
00:16:15,726 --> 00:16:17,060
Two cakes
became one?
437
00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:18,187
Two cakes, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
438
00:16:18,270 --> 00:16:19,980
-Fantastic, I'll go get Jess.
-Cool.
439
00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:22,149
Hey, Jess.
440
00:16:23,275 --> 00:16:24,902
Hey, guys!
441
00:16:27,112 --> 00:16:28,614
What's up, man?
442
00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:29,990
She's at the movies.
443
00:16:30,073 --> 00:16:31,742
This might
actually work.
444
00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:33,410
-At the what?
-Come on!
445
00:16:35,871 --> 00:16:37,581
More, more.
446
00:16:38,957 --> 00:16:40,042
More.
447
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:41,251
Uh...
448
00:16:41,335 --> 00:16:42,461
and, okay.
449
00:16:42,544 --> 00:16:43,795
I think we're good.
450
00:16:43,879 --> 00:16:45,172
Same to the second one.
451
00:16:47,549 --> 00:16:49,176
(MOVIE OPENING SOUND)
452
00:16:51,136 --> 00:16:52,429
(SOUND DISTORTS AND STOPS)
453
00:16:52,513 --> 00:16:54,640
Hey, Jess, it's, uh, Nick.
454
00:16:54,723 --> 00:16:56,683
You obviously knew that.
455
00:16:56,767 --> 00:16:59,603
Um, I know this is where you
always go on your birthday
456
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,104
to be by yourself,
457
00:17:01,188 --> 00:17:03,899
but I thought this year you
might want a little company.
458
00:17:03,982 --> 00:17:05,234
Mind if I sit?
459
00:17:05,317 --> 00:17:06,485
(LAUGHS)
460
00:17:06,568 --> 00:17:07,569
Look under the seat.
461
00:17:09,780 --> 00:17:12,074
Now please read
the card, I'll wait.
462
00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:13,534
How did you know
I was gonna be sitting here?
463
00:17:13,617 --> 00:17:14,701
I put one under every seat,
464
00:17:14,785 --> 00:17:16,703
but you got to go fast,
'cause of the timing.
465
00:17:16,787 --> 00:17:18,914
Okay. "My name is Jess,
I like to wear tights.
466
00:17:18,997 --> 00:17:21,500
It's dark in this room,
so let's turn on the lights."
467
00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:24,086
-ALL: Surprise!
-(BLOWING KAZOOS)
468
00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:25,295
Whoo!
469
00:17:25,379 --> 00:17:28,257
That's enough.
Timing, guys, timing. Down.
470
00:17:28,340 --> 00:17:30,342
(CHEERING, NOSIEMAKERS STOP)
(LAUGHS)
471
00:17:32,511 --> 00:17:34,304
(CHUCKLING)
472
00:17:34,388 --> 00:17:36,098
(WINSTON ON SCREEN) In the beginning,
there was nothing,
473
00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:37,641
and then there was light
and dark
474
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,059
and oceans and birds
and stuff...
475
00:17:39,142 --> 00:17:41,520
and then there was Jess!
476
00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:44,398
Nick? This was
the plan all along?
477
00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:48,527
(MUSIC PLAYING ON SCREEN)
478
00:17:48,610 --> 00:17:50,320
What do I think of
when I think of Jess?
479
00:17:50,404 --> 00:17:53,156
When I think of Jess.
Okay...
480
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,075
When I think about Jess...
481
00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:58,287
I think of how sweet she is
and how smart she is.
482
00:17:58,370 --> 00:18:01,748
Uh, is glasses
and the hair thing.
483
00:18:01,832 --> 00:18:04,168
Think of dance parties
and sleepovers...
484
00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:06,336
Jess does not like
being tackled.
485
00:18:06,420 --> 00:18:09,173
The eyes, two eyes.
486
00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:11,175
Happy birthday, Ms. Day.
487
00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:15,345
Your youthful exuberance...
488
00:18:15,429 --> 00:18:17,097
Exhausts me.
489
00:18:17,181 --> 00:18:19,516
May it fade
with each passing year.
490
00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:20,976
Well, she made me try papayas.
491
00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,311
That was cool.
492
00:18:22,394 --> 00:18:23,979
They're super soft inside.
493
00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:26,356
Jess is the upstairs lady.
494
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,150
There is a... there is a ma...
495
00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:30,194
I feel like I'm not
doing this right.
496
00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:33,530
(LAUGHING)
You make mistakes.
497
00:18:33,614 --> 00:18:36,533
Happy birthday
to my best work friend.
498
00:18:36,617 --> 00:18:38,368
Tina, if you see this,
I'm sorry.
499
00:18:38,452 --> 00:18:40,204
I just feel like
we drifted apart
500
00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:42,164
after Jeremy's cocaine thing.
501
00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:44,208
(WHISPERS) It was awkward.
502
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:47,211
"When the stirrups of life
start to feel like the speculum
503
00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:48,879
of old age..." Nick,
I'm not reading this.
504
00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:50,214
This is terrible.
505
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:51,381
Happy birthday, Jess.
506
00:18:51,465 --> 00:18:53,217
Your boyfriend
is sweet and simple
507
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,260
and will not get out
of my waiting room.
508
00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:56,929
I saw a squirrel once.
509
00:18:57,054 --> 00:18:58,388
It looked like Jess.
510
00:18:58,472 --> 00:19:00,390
Then it attacked my sister,
511
00:19:00,474 --> 00:19:02,601
so I had to beat it
with a stick,
512
00:19:02,684 --> 00:19:05,354
and then it didn't
look like Jess any more.
513
00:19:05,437 --> 00:19:07,189
Happy birthday.
It's Bearclaw.
514
00:19:07,272 --> 00:19:09,191
(SINGING) Birthday
515
00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:10,901
Winston is about
to do some...
516
00:19:13,362 --> 00:19:16,031
He said a bunch, but it was
really weird and racist.
517
00:19:16,114 --> 00:19:18,075
ALL: Happy birthday, Ms. Day.
518
00:19:18,283 --> 00:19:19,952
Yay!
519
00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:22,204
JOAN:
What I remember
520
00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:23,747
most of all is the pain.
521
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,834
Honestly, it was 36 hours--
522
00:19:26,917 --> 00:19:29,795
more than that--
of just searing, ripping,
523
00:19:29,878 --> 00:19:31,421
and then...
524
00:19:31,672 --> 00:19:33,215
(IMITATES BABY WAILING)
525
00:19:33,298 --> 00:19:35,217
(LAUGHS)
526
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:38,178
Out you came,
the most beautiful,
527
00:19:38,262 --> 00:19:41,640
beautiful little baby
I ever saw in my life.
528
00:19:41,723 --> 00:19:43,058
And I forgot all the pain.
529
00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:44,977
When you were born, I got a deli
sandwich
530
00:19:45,060 --> 00:19:46,645
at the hospital cafeteria.
531
00:19:46,728 --> 00:19:49,857
And then there was a baby.
532
00:19:49,940 --> 00:19:53,277
Happy birthday to my oldest
and my best friend.
533
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,611
Happy birthday, Ms. Day.
534
00:19:54,695 --> 00:19:56,780
-Happy birthday.
-Birthday.
535
00:19:56,864 --> 00:19:57,990
Happy birthday, Jess.
536
00:19:58,073 --> 00:19:59,199
Happy birthday, Jess.
537
00:19:59,283 --> 00:20:01,451
Happy birthday...
from Bearclaw.
538
00:20:01,535 --> 00:20:03,453
I love you.
Happy birthday.
539
00:20:03,537 --> 00:20:05,414
Happy, happy birthday.
540
00:20:05,497 --> 00:20:07,875
ALL:
You have a cool boyfriend.
541
00:20:07,958 --> 00:20:10,210
This is the coin
I had in my pocket
542
00:20:10,294 --> 00:20:11,336
the first night we kissed.
543
00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:13,672
And I always have it.
544
00:20:13,755 --> 00:20:15,966
Happy birthday, Jess.
545
00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:20,304
Happy birthday to you
546
00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:21,471
Cha, cha, cha.
547
00:20:21,555 --> 00:20:25,976
Happy birthday to you
548
00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:27,477
Ooh, ooh
549
00:20:27,561 --> 00:20:30,689
Happy birthday, dear Jess...
550
00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:32,608
Um... hmm,
551
00:20:32,691 --> 00:20:34,693
where'd... Where'd she...
552
00:20:35,777 --> 00:20:36,820
Where'd...
553
00:20:36,904 --> 00:20:37,946
(EXHALES)
554
00:20:39,781 --> 00:20:41,325
Hey, Jess, I'm so sorry.
555
00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:44,119
That was cheesy, embarrassing.
556
00:20:44,203 --> 00:20:45,871
I didn't have
great talent to work with.
557
00:20:45,954 --> 00:20:47,414
Winston was terrible.
558
00:20:53,378 --> 00:20:55,464
(SNIFFLES)
559
00:20:55,547 --> 00:20:58,425
It's the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
560
00:21:02,596 --> 00:21:04,014
And I'm sorry.
561
00:21:07,392 --> 00:21:10,312
-(MOVIE BEGINS)
-Shh, shh. It's starting.
562
00:21:13,732 --> 00:21:15,484
(ALARM CHIRPS, EXPLOSION)
563
00:21:15,567 --> 00:21:18,278
Happy birthday, Jess.
564
00:21:18,362 --> 00:21:21,907
-That was so stupid, dude.
-Oh, what is wrong with you?
565
00:21:21,990 --> 00:21:23,200
Ashamed of yourself.
566
00:21:23,283 --> 00:21:25,661
Come on, Schmidt.
Quit it.
567
00:21:31,416 --> 00:21:32,543
-Boo.
-SCHMIDT: No!
568
00:21:32,626 --> 00:21:34,253
(LAUGHING)
569
00:21:36,255 --> 00:21:37,464
SCHMIDT:
What the hell, man?
570
00:21:37,548 --> 00:21:38,549
This is an important
vehicle for me!
40959
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