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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,627 --> 00:00:03,670 -That's so cute! -Bum, bum, bum! 2 00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:05,005 Birthday Eve Cocktail. 3 00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:07,966 Oh, my God. You're my favorite bartender. Thank you! 4 00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:13,055 (HOARSELY) Oh, my God. What is that? 5 00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:15,224 Oh, no, is it not good? I'm still learning how to make drinks. 6 00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:17,893 -I'm better at shots. Wanna birthday shot? -Oh, yeah. 7 00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:19,394 I think I'm good. 8 00:00:19,478 --> 00:00:21,230 So, any special birthday plans? 9 00:00:21,313 --> 00:00:23,774 No, she's just gonna go to the movies alone, as usual. 10 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,984 No, I'm not, actually. Uh, this year... 11 00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:29,196 Nick asked me to spend the day with him. 12 00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:30,822 That's so sweet. I mean, what are you gonna do? 13 00:00:30,906 --> 00:00:32,032 Something special? 14 00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,117 Maybe. You know, whatever Nick wants to do. 15 00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:35,494 I'm not really a birthday person. 16 00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:38,830 -Please. -I have a lot of expectations for people. 17 00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:41,250 -Happy birthday. -(CHUCKLING) Oh, my God. 18 00:00:41,333 --> 00:00:43,293 (CHUCKLES) 19 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,295 (SIGHS) 20 00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,256 "Made in China"? 21 00:00:47,339 --> 00:00:49,508 Are you taking me to China? 22 00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:52,636 And that's why, a long time ago, 23 00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:55,722 I decided that I would spend my birthday alone at the movies. 24 00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:57,933 It's just... safer, you know? 25 00:00:58,016 --> 00:01:00,894 No getting your hopes up, no getting let down. 26 00:01:00,978 --> 00:01:02,729 Well, I know how you feel about movies. 27 00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:05,691 I mean, my parents took me to see Witness 28 00:01:05,774 --> 00:01:07,317 and then they never came back. 29 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:09,319 -What? -I can really quote that movie though. 30 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,030 (IMITATING ELI LAPP) "Be careful out among them English." 31 00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:14,199 But enough about me! 32 00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:15,993 I am talking your ear off, lady, 33 00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:17,244 and it's your birthday. 34 00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:19,121 This year's gonna be different. 35 00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:21,248 Maybe Nick has something big planned, maybe not. 36 00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,083 I'm gonna be chill. 37 00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:24,543 No expectations. 38 00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:26,545 Low maintenance. No maintenance. 39 00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:27,963 I'm just gonna be one of those... 40 00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:29,548 cool girlfriends, like in the movies. 41 00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:31,675 She just, like, has bed head and she wears, 42 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:34,344 like, men's shirts and she's just like, "Yeah, cool. 43 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,972 "I'll wear, like, men's shirts and, like, sneakers and stuff. 44 00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:39,016 And, like, I don't care about how I look." 45 00:01:40,559 --> 00:01:42,895 Hey. Hey. 46 00:01:42,978 --> 00:01:45,731 She has no idea about the party. 47 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:47,983 (CHEERING, LAUGHING) 48 00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:49,776 Uh, Winston's STD-free. 49 00:01:49,860 --> 00:01:52,571 (CHEERING) 50 00:01:52,654 --> 00:01:55,157 -Whew! It was a close call. Yeah. -(CHUCKLING) Yeah. 51 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,117 Yeah. Yeah. 52 00:01:57,201 --> 00:01:59,578 Close call, y'all. (CHUCKLES) 53 00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:01,747 Who's that girl? 54 00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:04,291 Who's that girl? It's Jess. 55 00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:08,795 (GROANS) (WHISTLES) 56 00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:09,922 Do you guys know how hard it's been 57 00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:12,007 for me to keep this party a secret? 58 00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:14,092 Nick, it's been an inspiration, and that's why we're 59 00:02:14,176 --> 00:02:16,011 gonna help you cross that finish line, okay? 60 00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:17,179 This is our Rudy. 61 00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:18,388 Very condescending but thank you. 62 00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:20,307 -Right on. -All right, team check-in. 63 00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:21,808 Coach, where we at with decorations? 64 00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:23,227 -I forgot. -Wait, what? 65 00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:25,562 Psych! I'm the best at stuff. 66 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:29,024 I don't forget stuff. First place! 67 00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:30,943 Wait. Why are you first place? 68 00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:32,611 I dominated on cake patrol. 69 00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:34,154 And thank you for getting that cake. 70 00:02:34,238 --> 00:02:35,405 You don't have to add the "patrol." 71 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,157 Decorations beats cake. 72 00:02:37,241 --> 00:02:40,035 Uh, no. Cake definitely beats decorations. 73 00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:41,620 Oh, really? Let's do a word association game, okay? 74 00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:42,955 Yeah. I'm in, I'm in. 75 00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:45,541 -Birthday. -Decorations. Wait, what'd I say? 76 00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,543 Okay, Schmidt, are you ready to transport all electronics 77 00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:49,211 to the party venue? 78 00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:51,421 By "electronics," you mean this itty-bitty flash drive 79 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:54,258 that I can fit in my pocket and that is light as air? 80 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:55,551 I need a verbal confirmation. 81 00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:57,636 You insult me. Yes. 82 00:02:57,719 --> 00:02:59,555 Cece, you ready to cover my shift tomorrow with Mike? 83 00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:01,223 Born ready. Yes. 84 00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:03,559 Oh. You're giving your Saturday to Cece? 85 00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:06,770 That's cool. That's really wonderful. 86 00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:09,022 -Can you tell I'm being sarcastic? -Absolutely. 87 00:03:09,106 --> 00:03:10,607 -Yeah, it's pretty clear. -I'm ready. 88 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,025 You set fire to soda water. 89 00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:13,193 Who does that? 90 00:03:13,277 --> 00:03:14,444 How do you even possibly do that? 91 00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:16,029 It's not a flammable thing. 92 00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:17,781 It's not even... Are you a witch? 93 00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:19,032 Mike... 94 00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:21,785 MIKE: I hate all of you hipsters so much... 95 00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:23,245 Okay, and I'm gonna be on Jess Watch. 96 00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:24,872 I'm gonna make sure she doesn't see anything 97 00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:26,582 that will ruin the surprise of this party 98 00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:29,293 that has taken everything from me, 99 00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,295 emotionally and physically and financially. 100 00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:32,671 So what do you have planned for the day? 101 00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:35,257 (LAUGHING) A big surprise party. 102 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:36,800 Next. 103 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:38,468 Right, but before then. 104 00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:42,681 The party's at 7:00. What do you have planned b-before that? 105 00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:45,100 -Wait... -Nick, you need a plan, okay? 106 00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:48,437 I don't care what Jess says. She's going to expect something. 107 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,647 I have to plan a birthday before the birthday? 108 00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:52,274 -The whole day is the birthday. -This is a very big deal. 109 00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:54,443 This is your first birthday together as a couple. 110 00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:57,487 All right, you know what? It's gonna be okay. 111 00:03:57,571 --> 00:04:01,116 It's her birthday. That girl's gonna want to sleep in. 112 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,702 My day is not starting till noon. 113 00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:05,579 (BEEPING) 114 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,501 This is the time I was born. 115 00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:13,295 I'm wide awake. 116 00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:17,382 (WHISPERS) It's my birthday. 117 00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:22,930 (WHISPERED ARGUMENT) 118 00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,723 My day started earlier than I thought. 119 00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:27,434 I got to slow down breakfast. 120 00:04:27,518 --> 00:04:30,145 What's going on with you guys? Nick, first of all, blessings. 121 00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:32,356 Um, second of all, there may have been 122 00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:34,107 a possible mix-up with the cake. 123 00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:35,234 Possibly. 124 00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:38,070 "See You in Hell, Boomer"? Oh, my God! 125 00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:40,531 What part of you thought this was Jess's cake? 126 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,282 I thought it was an inside joke. 127 00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:44,326 -I'll do the cake. -No, I am the cake patrol. 128 00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:46,078 Both of you do the cake. 129 00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:47,579 I'm considering this problem solved. 130 00:04:47,663 --> 00:04:49,540 Hey, speaking of problems, do you want me to go check up 131 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,333 -on Cece at the bar today? -I don't think that's necessary. 132 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,961 All right, I'll do it. But you owe me one, bro. 133 00:04:54,044 --> 00:04:56,338 I need to make a 90-minute omelet. 134 00:04:57,548 --> 00:05:00,676 I love my birthday breakfast. 135 00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:02,344 I can't believe you were gonna make this all yourself. 136 00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:03,846 It would've taken you hours. 137 00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:05,806 I know. And with your help, it took six minutes. 138 00:05:05,931 --> 00:05:07,766 I know. I'm so fast. 139 00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:09,977 What do you say we go into my bedroom 140 00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:12,145 and, uh, slow things down? 141 00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:13,981 Ooh. (CHUCKLES) 142 00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:15,774 Wow. 143 00:05:15,858 --> 00:05:18,360 That's the fastest it's ever taken. 144 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:20,696 I know. You just look very pretty. 145 00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:22,406 (CHUCKLES) 146 00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:24,324 So, you want to take a long nap? 147 00:05:24,408 --> 00:05:26,743 Oh. Um... 148 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,204 If that's what you have planned, then, yes, 149 00:05:29,288 --> 00:05:30,581 let's take a long nap. 150 00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:34,293 Perfect. Maybe for, like, six, seven hours? 151 00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,086 Hmm... 152 00:05:36,587 --> 00:05:38,422 It's just such a nice day outside... 153 00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,424 Yeah. Um, so let's take, uh... 154 00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:43,010 let's take this party outside. 155 00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:46,013 Sure. Next up on the agenda is... 156 00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,347 it's lunch. 157 00:05:47,431 --> 00:05:49,016 It's 8:30 in the morning. 158 00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:51,310 Oh, my God, it's so early. 159 00:05:55,439 --> 00:05:56,940 What are you doing here, Schmidt? 160 00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,775 Nick thought you might need some help. 161 00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,235 Yeah, well, I don't, okay? 162 00:06:00,319 --> 00:06:01,612 So... you can go. 163 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:02,946 Maybe I'll just stay for a little bit. 164 00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:04,615 Double-tap some Insta-G's. 165 00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:07,159 Okay. 166 00:06:07,326 --> 00:06:08,827 Oh, hey, Mike. 167 00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:10,787 I cleaned the glasses. 168 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,457 Oh, wow, a bunch of broken glass in the ice tub. 169 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:16,043 -That'll be fun for me to clean up. -I'm sorry. Um... 170 00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:17,628 I'm not gonna cover for you like Nick does, okay? 171 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,796 I promise you that. And don't make eyes at me 172 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,798 because it's not gonna work because I'm super gay. 173 00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,509 When I look at you, I just see... 174 00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:24,760 You know, it's fine, 175 00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:26,178 but it's bumpy, it's creepy. 176 00:06:26,261 --> 00:06:28,055 Eh. 177 00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,431 Doesn't do anything. It's like... 178 00:06:29,515 --> 00:06:30,974 looking at this, it's like a... 179 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:33,435 it's, it's, it's, it's, it's... it's not o... 180 00:06:33,519 --> 00:06:35,604 It's not a good... it's not good. 181 00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:39,942 -Okay. -This, all this, everything you got, eh. 182 00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:42,903 Three out of... six. 183 00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:46,448 Damn shame about that cake, Winston. 184 00:06:46,532 --> 00:06:49,618 Looks like someone dominated their party task. 185 00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:51,620 "Coach, where are all the kazoos?" 186 00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:53,872 All over your face. 187 00:06:53,956 --> 00:06:55,666 I'll pick those up. 188 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,043 Or maybe in my spare time... 189 00:06:58,126 --> 00:06:59,837 I'll make a cake. 190 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:02,214 (BUZZING) 191 00:07:02,297 --> 00:07:04,424 -Just back off, Coach. -(PHONE RINGS) 192 00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:05,843 What's up, Nick? 193 00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,177 -How's the cake situation? -COACH: Cake's good. 194 00:07:07,261 --> 00:07:08,929 Can I just see the phone? Can I see the phone really quick? 195 00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:11,014 -Got it. Dude, get... -Hey. Cake's good, man. I'm on top of it. 196 00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:12,808 So, how's your plan working out? 197 00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,852 Okay, I have no plan. I'm just winging it, okay? 198 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,645 I panicked and took her to a drugstore. 199 00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,522 She's getting a free diabetes test. 200 00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,107 I don't know where to take her. Is it safe to bring her home? 201 00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:23,110 -Hey. -Oh! The birthday girl! 202 00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:25,654 I got the test. My blood sugar is normal. 203 00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:27,531 Already? You did that... all that already? 204 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:30,450 -Yeah. -Birthday girl gets all your favorite... 205 00:07:30,534 --> 00:07:32,703 Next activity. 206 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,329 I see what you're trying to do here, man. 207 00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:37,332 -You're trying to show me up. -What are you talking about, Bish? 208 00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:38,834 I'm referring to basketball. 209 00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:41,420 When we used to play back in the day, no matter how open I was, 210 00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,672 you never passed me the ball, you never let me shoot. 211 00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:45,507 You just couldn't stand to let me shine. 212 00:07:45,591 --> 00:07:48,677 Your nostrils are flaring so much right now, 213 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,929 it's distracting. 214 00:07:51,013 --> 00:07:52,723 I'm done letting you run the court. 215 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,516 I'm building my own court. 216 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:58,687 And it's gonna be bigger and yummier than yours. 217 00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:01,148 Are you challenging me to a bake-off, Bish? 218 00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:03,483 Yes, I am challenging you to a bake-off. 219 00:08:03,609 --> 00:08:06,862 Okay. Well, then, I'll... do the countdown. 220 00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:08,697 You know what? I'll do the countdown then. 221 00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:10,866 The countdown begins 222 00:08:10,949 --> 00:08:12,993 when this timer goes off. 223 00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:15,287 (TIMER TICKING) 224 00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:16,538 (SIGHS) 225 00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:20,709 You set the timer for 20 minutes. 226 00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:23,754 (WINDING, TICKING) 227 00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:26,965 I'm gonna make a cake so moist, 228 00:08:27,049 --> 00:08:29,927 girls are gonna be, like, "Ew. Why do you say moist? 229 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,762 I hate that word." 230 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,931 I'm gonna be, like, "Just taste the cake." 231 00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,183 And they're gonna be, like, "Damn, it's moist!" 232 00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:37,392 (INHALES DEEPLY) 233 00:08:37,476 --> 00:08:38,477 And... 234 00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:40,187 -(DINGS) -Bake! Okay, bake! 235 00:08:40,270 --> 00:08:41,271 -I said it first. -I said it first. 236 00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:42,356 -I said it first. -I said it first. 237 00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:45,192 A customer ordered an old-fashioned, 238 00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:48,904 and she got gin in a mug with a peanut in it. 239 00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:51,532 -I'll fix it. -Make me an old-fashioned right now, 240 00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:52,741 or I'm gonna call the manager. 241 00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,576 And I want to talk to him anyway, 242 00:08:54,660 --> 00:08:55,786 because he's just gorgeous. 243 00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:58,747 I want to be a barnacle on his ship. 244 00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:00,749 Just hanging on by my mouth, 245 00:09:00,832 --> 00:09:03,585 getting all the nutrients I need. 246 00:09:03,669 --> 00:09:05,379 Okay, an old-fashioned, an old-fashioned, an old-fashioned. 247 00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,381 If it's old-fashioned, it probably has something like... 248 00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:09,424 -absinthe... -Oh, the old-fashioned. 249 00:09:09,508 --> 00:09:12,427 One of my favorite drinks, a classic cocktail. 250 00:09:13,846 --> 00:09:16,849 (SIGHS) Just a half ounce of simple syrup. 251 00:09:19,685 --> 00:09:23,188 Splash of water, two dashes of bitters. 252 00:09:23,272 --> 00:09:24,731 Mix that up with some ice. 253 00:09:24,815 --> 00:09:28,151 And then, you know my personal favorite. 254 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,362 You know, and just, far be it from me, 255 00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:31,738 but the bourbon whiskey. 256 00:09:31,822 --> 00:09:34,199 -Bourbon. -Two ounces of bourbon whiskey. 257 00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:36,451 No. Hmm. 258 00:09:36,535 --> 00:09:38,787 It's not the Scotch whiskey. It's... 259 00:09:38,871 --> 00:09:40,038 No, it's certainly not the vermouth. 260 00:09:40,122 --> 00:09:41,456 Vermouth would be insane. 261 00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:42,833 Yes, the bourbon whiskey. 262 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:45,544 My favorite. Wonderful. 263 00:09:46,712 --> 00:09:49,047 Look at that. Old-fashioned. 264 00:09:49,131 --> 00:09:52,801 Hmm. Old-fashioned? 265 00:09:52,885 --> 00:09:56,013 Oh, my stars and garters, you made a drink. 266 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,557 Holy crud. 267 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,227 (PHONE RINGS) 268 00:10:02,311 --> 00:10:04,688 Yes, Nick! 269 00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,481 I have the electronics! 270 00:10:06,565 --> 00:10:08,192 Do you know any, like, time-consuming 271 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,611 and free activities in Griffith Park? 272 00:10:10,694 --> 00:10:13,030 Gross! Suicide? 273 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,698 Schmidt, please. I need some a... 274 00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:18,035 Well, just figure it out, dude! 275 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,495 -Oh, it's my mom. -Okay, um, 276 00:10:20,579 --> 00:10:22,039 found the biggest rock I could carry. 277 00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,082 (LAUGHS) It was this one. Um... 278 00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:25,667 -It's heavy. -It's huge. Yeah, heavy. 279 00:10:25,751 --> 00:10:27,211 Oh, my God. Um... 280 00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:28,879 What are we doing here? 281 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:32,508 It's not that I'm not having fun, 'cause I am. 282 00:10:32,591 --> 00:10:35,093 It's okay if you didn't plan anything for my birthday. 283 00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,845 -Are you kidding? -Really, Nick. 284 00:10:36,929 --> 00:10:38,263 Not only did I plan something, 285 00:10:38,347 --> 00:10:40,307 but my plan's about to blow your mind. 286 00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,809 -Honestly. -You need to trust me a little bit. 287 00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:45,646 'Cause everything is about to be made very clear 288 00:10:45,729 --> 00:10:47,689 -very soon. -Oh, my God! 289 00:10:47,773 --> 00:10:49,816 -What? -Nick! 290 00:10:51,193 --> 00:10:53,070 -You're the best. -(LAUGHING) I'm amazing. 291 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,863 -I'm so surprised! -I'm so surprised. 292 00:10:54,947 --> 00:10:57,115 -This is amazing! -It's amazing! 293 00:10:57,199 --> 00:10:59,409 -This is amazing! Yay! -Oh, son of a bitch! 294 00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:00,911 -Oh! -Don't touch anything! 295 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,330 -It'll ruin the surprise! Yeah. -Yay! 296 00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:04,873 -(LAUGHING) Yes. -Yeah... 297 00:11:04,957 --> 00:11:07,125 -Yay! -Hey, Jess, let's get out of here 298 00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:08,877 -before anything ruins a perfect moment. -Ooh! 299 00:11:08,961 --> 00:11:11,255 I wouldn't... Wait because we've got a whole, uh, ceremony. 300 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:12,840 No! 301 00:11:12,923 --> 00:11:15,884 That lady took my birthday! 302 00:11:15,968 --> 00:11:18,720 What is happening? 303 00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:28,105 -Jess! Look, look, I'm sorry, Jess. -No, no, no, Nick, 304 00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:30,691 I just... I don't know why I get so crazy about birthdays. 305 00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:33,318 You know, it's crazy, 'cause you had a very 306 00:11:33,402 --> 00:11:34,736 fun day put together 307 00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:36,947 of eggs and sex and... 308 00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,575 (VOICE BREAKING) and a really long uphill walk. 309 00:11:39,658 --> 00:11:41,910 And, um... Look, um, 310 00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:44,121 that's amazing for you, you know? 311 00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:45,581 For me? 312 00:11:45,664 --> 00:11:47,583 You're not a guy who plans things. 313 00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:50,919 Maybe I am. Look... (LAUGHS) 314 00:11:51,003 --> 00:11:52,963 every day, you show me, in your own way, 315 00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,798 how you care about me. 316 00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:56,967 Like when you pick up rubber bands on the sidewalk. 317 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,511 -For your ponytail. -I could not be more fine. 318 00:11:59,595 --> 00:12:02,389 I'm super chill. 319 00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,391 I'm just gonna go home for a second. 320 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:05,934 -Bye. -Jess, let's keep... Jess! 321 00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:08,270 (CRYING) Don't follow me. 322 00:12:09,855 --> 00:12:12,399 -Sure you know how to tap a keg? -How hard could it be? 323 00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,735 It's beer, for crying out loud. It's the drink of idiots. 324 00:12:14,818 --> 00:12:17,321 -Wait. Nick told me something about... -Cece, look, I got... I got it. 325 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,781 -Ooh, there's a knob back here. -I got it in. 326 00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:20,908 He told me if I turn this, 327 00:12:20,991 --> 00:12:21,992 -I should be able to... -What are you doing? 328 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,620 -Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, no! -Turn it off! 329 00:12:24,703 --> 00:12:26,205 -Oh, sorry! It's just... -Turn it off! 330 00:12:26,288 --> 00:12:28,749 Oh. 331 00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:30,918 You butt hole. 332 00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:33,420 You can't do anything right, can you? 333 00:12:33,504 --> 00:12:35,797 (SOFTLY) I'm so sorry. 334 00:12:40,844 --> 00:12:42,596 He's right, though. 335 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:44,014 I can't do anything. 336 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,599 No skills. 337 00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:48,810 Never told you this, but I didn't even graduate high school. 338 00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:51,355 A lot of people never graduated high school. 339 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,649 Okay-- Einstein, Bill Gates, 340 00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:55,859 Anne Frank. 341 00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:57,861 I'm gonna take back that last one. 342 00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,738 Why did I think that I could bartend? 343 00:12:59,947 --> 00:13:02,574 Because you can. 344 00:13:02,658 --> 00:13:04,952 You are strong, and you are confident. 345 00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:06,787 Those are skills. Use them. 346 00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,997 And be a little bit meaner to the people here. 347 00:13:09,081 --> 00:13:11,792 It should be easy for you. Just pretend that they're me. 348 00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:13,001 (LAUGHS) 349 00:13:13,085 --> 00:13:14,837 You're right. That is easy. 350 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,630 And pull your shirt down a little bit. 351 00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:17,840 This isn't a monastery. 352 00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:19,049 Do not push your luck with me. 353 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,468 -I'll look away. -Thank you. 354 00:13:21,552 --> 00:13:23,470 You're wearing paper towels. Behind! 355 00:13:23,554 --> 00:13:25,013 No it's an environmental-friendly, 356 00:13:25,097 --> 00:13:26,473 recyclable apron. 357 00:13:26,557 --> 00:13:29,017 -Behind! Behind! -Okay, real... really? Okay. 358 00:13:29,101 --> 00:13:30,269 -Okay. -Behind. 359 00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:31,603 Behind! Behind! Behind. 360 00:13:31,687 --> 00:13:33,063 Whoa! Behind! 361 00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,023 Behind! Behind! Behind you! Behind! 362 00:13:35,107 --> 00:13:36,817 -(LAUGHS) Oh, so you... -Behind! 363 00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:38,402 Behind! Whoa! 364 00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:39,903 Behind. In front. 365 00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:42,030 -Behind. What's this? -(MUTTERS) 366 00:13:42,114 --> 00:13:45,909 (SIGHS) 367 00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:47,244 -(JESS CRYING) -It's Jess! 368 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,620 -Oh, my God. -I mean, it's Jess! Hey! 369 00:13:48,704 --> 00:13:50,205 What's up, girl? What you... 370 00:13:50,289 --> 00:13:51,707 -doing home? -(CRYING) I'm great. I'm great. 371 00:13:51,790 --> 00:13:53,500 (WHISPERING) Hide the cake. Hide the... 372 00:13:53,584 --> 00:13:54,918 -I'm great. -Behind. 373 00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:56,086 (WHISPERING) 374 00:13:56,170 --> 00:13:57,671 COACH: How's your day going? 375 00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:58,881 -WINSTON: Going good? -(SOBBING) 376 00:13:58,964 --> 00:14:02,050 You're crying? 377 00:14:02,134 --> 00:14:04,052 -(SOBBING CONTINUES) -I'm taking... 378 00:14:04,136 --> 00:14:05,512 -Um... -I got mine off first. 379 00:14:05,596 --> 00:14:07,055 -No, you didn't. -Rest up over here. 380 00:14:07,139 --> 00:14:09,057 What a day, guys. 381 00:14:09,141 --> 00:14:10,684 COACH: Really long, huh? Yeah. 382 00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:11,894 Bet you had a long day, huh? 383 00:14:11,977 --> 00:14:13,061 I'm really fine. 384 00:14:13,145 --> 00:14:14,980 I had a real day, you know. 385 00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:16,607 (COACH GRUNTING) 386 00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,650 I'm disappointed in Nick. 387 00:14:18,734 --> 00:14:20,861 Yeah, you got to let that out, you know, 'cause... 388 00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:24,114 But I'm disappointed in myself because I'm disappointed in Nick, you know. 389 00:14:24,198 --> 00:14:26,450 -Oh, I feel you. Yeah, you're right. -Yeah, that's messed up. 390 00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,869 -Yeah, let it out. Let it out. -I'm getting up. 391 00:14:28,952 --> 00:14:30,120 -Oh... -No, no, no... Jess... 392 00:14:30,204 --> 00:14:33,749 Hey. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. 393 00:14:33,832 --> 00:14:35,876 Want you to close your eyes, breathe deep, 394 00:14:35,959 --> 00:14:38,754 and go to the most magical place on earth-- 395 00:14:38,837 --> 00:14:40,339 your imagination. 396 00:14:40,422 --> 00:14:42,549 Have you guys been baking? 397 00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:44,134 Ah, nah. Bakery downtown exploded. 398 00:14:44,218 --> 00:14:45,928 Don't look into it. It's not on the Internet. 399 00:14:46,762 --> 00:14:49,932 Yeah. She is here. What happened? 400 00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:52,768 She doesn't think I can do anything or plan anything, 401 00:14:52,851 --> 00:14:54,770 and it feels like crap. 402 00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:56,146 Maybe she's right. 403 00:14:56,230 --> 00:14:57,940 Why did I think I could pull this off? 404 00:14:58,023 --> 00:15:00,108 I'm pretty sure I'm having a heart attack. 405 00:15:00,192 --> 00:15:01,693 And I haven't arranged 406 00:15:01,777 --> 00:15:04,112 for anybody to clear my Internet history. 407 00:15:04,196 --> 00:15:05,781 I wasn't building a bomb! 408 00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:07,574 I was just curious. 409 00:15:07,658 --> 00:15:09,910 Nick, you got a whole team of friends pulling for you, okay? 410 00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:12,204 Just get yourself home. You can still pull this off. 411 00:15:13,622 --> 00:15:14,706 Hey, Mike. 412 00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:16,708 -What? -So I cleaned out the beer trap, 413 00:15:16,792 --> 00:15:18,293 I polished all these wine glasses, 414 00:15:18,377 --> 00:15:20,170 and I turned that penis graffiti in the bathroom 415 00:15:20,254 --> 00:15:21,964 into a whimsical hat. 416 00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:25,384 Now my friend and I have to go to a party. 417 00:15:25,467 --> 00:15:27,719 All right, Schmidt, let's go. 418 00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:30,681 -You called me your friend. -Did I? 419 00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:34,142 And now, look, no matter what we see in here, I just want you to know that 420 00:15:34,226 --> 00:15:36,019 it's been an honor working with you. 421 00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:38,105 You, too, man. 422 00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:45,737 Oh... 423 00:15:45,821 --> 00:15:48,115 (CHUCKLING) Wow, look at that. 424 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,035 (OVEN DOOR CLOSES) 425 00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:53,370 Oh, my God. 426 00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:56,790 Oh, man. (CHUCKLES) 427 00:15:56,874 --> 00:15:58,166 Our, uh... 428 00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:00,127 Our cakes merged. 429 00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:01,879 -Looks as if they have. -Yeah. 430 00:16:03,714 --> 00:16:06,842 (CLICKS TONGUE) Well... 431 00:16:06,925 --> 00:16:08,135 -Hey! -Aah! 432 00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:09,511 -Ah. -Ah. (CHUCKLES) 433 00:16:09,595 --> 00:16:12,556 -Team check-in. Where we at? -Our cake became double cake. 434 00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:13,640 Yeah. Two cakes. 435 00:16:13,724 --> 00:16:15,642 Yeah. (CHUCKLES) 436 00:16:15,726 --> 00:16:17,060 Two cakes became one? 437 00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:18,187 Two cakes, yeah. Yeah, yeah. 438 00:16:18,270 --> 00:16:19,980 -Fantastic, I'll go get Jess. -Cool. 439 00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:22,149 Hey, Jess. 440 00:16:23,275 --> 00:16:24,902 Hey, guys! 441 00:16:27,112 --> 00:16:28,614 What's up, man? 442 00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:29,990 She's at the movies. 443 00:16:30,073 --> 00:16:31,742 This might actually work. 444 00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:33,410 -At the what? -Come on! 445 00:16:35,871 --> 00:16:37,581 More, more. 446 00:16:38,957 --> 00:16:40,042 More. 447 00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:41,251 Uh... 448 00:16:41,335 --> 00:16:42,461 and, okay. 449 00:16:42,544 --> 00:16:43,795 I think we're good. 450 00:16:43,879 --> 00:16:45,172 Same to the second one. 451 00:16:47,549 --> 00:16:49,176 (MOVIE OPENING SOUND) 452 00:16:51,136 --> 00:16:52,429 (SOUND DISTORTS AND STOPS) 453 00:16:52,513 --> 00:16:54,640 Hey, Jess, it's, uh, Nick. 454 00:16:54,723 --> 00:16:56,683 You obviously knew that. 455 00:16:56,767 --> 00:16:59,603 Um, I know this is where you always go on your birthday 456 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,104 to be by yourself, 457 00:17:01,188 --> 00:17:03,899 but I thought this year you might want a little company. 458 00:17:03,982 --> 00:17:05,234 Mind if I sit? 459 00:17:05,317 --> 00:17:06,485 (LAUGHS) 460 00:17:06,568 --> 00:17:07,569 Look under the seat. 461 00:17:09,780 --> 00:17:12,074 Now please read the card, I'll wait. 462 00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:13,534 How did you know I was gonna be sitting here? 463 00:17:13,617 --> 00:17:14,701 I put one under every seat, 464 00:17:14,785 --> 00:17:16,703 but you got to go fast, 'cause of the timing. 465 00:17:16,787 --> 00:17:18,914 Okay. "My name is Jess, I like to wear tights. 466 00:17:18,997 --> 00:17:21,500 It's dark in this room, so let's turn on the lights." 467 00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:24,086 -ALL: Surprise! -(BLOWING KAZOOS) 468 00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:25,295 Whoo! 469 00:17:25,379 --> 00:17:28,257 That's enough. Timing, guys, timing. Down. 470 00:17:28,340 --> 00:17:30,342 (CHEERING, NOSIEMAKERS STOP) (LAUGHS) 471 00:17:32,511 --> 00:17:34,304 (CHUCKLING) 472 00:17:34,388 --> 00:17:36,098 (WINSTON ON SCREEN) In the beginning, there was nothing, 473 00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:37,641 and then there was light and dark 474 00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,059 and oceans and birds and stuff... 475 00:17:39,142 --> 00:17:41,520 and then there was Jess! 476 00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:44,398 Nick? This was the plan all along? 477 00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:48,527 (MUSIC PLAYING ON SCREEN) 478 00:17:48,610 --> 00:17:50,320 What do I think of when I think of Jess? 479 00:17:50,404 --> 00:17:53,156 When I think of Jess. Okay... 480 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,075 When I think about Jess... 481 00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:58,287 I think of how sweet she is and how smart she is. 482 00:17:58,370 --> 00:18:01,748 Uh, is glasses and the hair thing. 483 00:18:01,832 --> 00:18:04,168 Think of dance parties and sleepovers... 484 00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:06,336 Jess does not like being tackled. 485 00:18:06,420 --> 00:18:09,173 The eyes, two eyes. 486 00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:11,175 Happy birthday, Ms. Day. 487 00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:15,345 Your youthful exuberance... 488 00:18:15,429 --> 00:18:17,097 Exhausts me. 489 00:18:17,181 --> 00:18:19,516 May it fade with each passing year. 490 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:20,976 Well, she made me try papayas. 491 00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,311 That was cool. 492 00:18:22,394 --> 00:18:23,979 They're super soft inside. 493 00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:26,356 Jess is the upstairs lady. 494 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,150 There is a... there is a ma... 495 00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:30,194 I feel like I'm not doing this right. 496 00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:33,530 (LAUGHING) You make mistakes. 497 00:18:33,614 --> 00:18:36,533 Happy birthday to my best work friend. 498 00:18:36,617 --> 00:18:38,368 Tina, if you see this, I'm sorry. 499 00:18:38,452 --> 00:18:40,204 I just feel like we drifted apart 500 00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:42,164 after Jeremy's cocaine thing. 501 00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:44,208 (WHISPERS) It was awkward. 502 00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:47,211 "When the stirrups of life start to feel like the speculum 503 00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:48,879 of old age..." Nick, I'm not reading this. 504 00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:50,214 This is terrible. 505 00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:51,381 Happy birthday, Jess. 506 00:18:51,465 --> 00:18:53,217 Your boyfriend is sweet and simple 507 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,260 and will not get out of my waiting room. 508 00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:56,929 I saw a squirrel once. 509 00:18:57,054 --> 00:18:58,388 It looked like Jess. 510 00:18:58,472 --> 00:19:00,390 Then it attacked my sister, 511 00:19:00,474 --> 00:19:02,601 so I had to beat it with a stick, 512 00:19:02,684 --> 00:19:05,354 and then it didn't look like Jess any more. 513 00:19:05,437 --> 00:19:07,189 Happy birthday. It's Bearclaw. 514 00:19:07,272 --> 00:19:09,191 (SINGING) Birthday 515 00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:10,901 Winston is about to do some... 516 00:19:13,362 --> 00:19:16,031 He said a bunch, but it was really weird and racist. 517 00:19:16,114 --> 00:19:18,075 ALL: Happy birthday, Ms. Day. 518 00:19:18,283 --> 00:19:19,952 Yay! 519 00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:22,204 JOAN: What I remember 520 00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:23,747 most of all is the pain. 521 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,834 Honestly, it was 36 hours-- 522 00:19:26,917 --> 00:19:29,795 more than that-- of just searing, ripping, 523 00:19:29,878 --> 00:19:31,421 and then... 524 00:19:31,672 --> 00:19:33,215 (IMITATES BABY WAILING) 525 00:19:33,298 --> 00:19:35,217 (LAUGHS) 526 00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:38,178 Out you came, the most beautiful, 527 00:19:38,262 --> 00:19:41,640 beautiful little baby I ever saw in my life. 528 00:19:41,723 --> 00:19:43,058 And I forgot all the pain. 529 00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:44,977 When you were born, I got a deli sandwich 530 00:19:45,060 --> 00:19:46,645 at the hospital cafeteria. 531 00:19:46,728 --> 00:19:49,857 And then there was a baby. 532 00:19:49,940 --> 00:19:53,277 Happy birthday to my oldest and my best friend. 533 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,611 Happy birthday, Ms. Day. 534 00:19:54,695 --> 00:19:56,780 -Happy birthday. -Birthday. 535 00:19:56,864 --> 00:19:57,990 Happy birthday, Jess. 536 00:19:58,073 --> 00:19:59,199 Happy birthday, Jess. 537 00:19:59,283 --> 00:20:01,451 Happy birthday... from Bearclaw. 538 00:20:01,535 --> 00:20:03,453 I love you. Happy birthday. 539 00:20:03,537 --> 00:20:05,414 Happy, happy birthday. 540 00:20:05,497 --> 00:20:07,875 ALL: You have a cool boyfriend. 541 00:20:07,958 --> 00:20:10,210 This is the coin I had in my pocket 542 00:20:10,294 --> 00:20:11,336 the first night we kissed. 543 00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:13,672 And I always have it. 544 00:20:13,755 --> 00:20:15,966 Happy birthday, Jess. 545 00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:20,304 Happy birthday to you 546 00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:21,471 Cha, cha, cha. 547 00:20:21,555 --> 00:20:25,976 Happy birthday to you 548 00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:27,477 Ooh, ooh 549 00:20:27,561 --> 00:20:30,689 Happy birthday, dear Jess... 550 00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:32,608 Um... hmm, 551 00:20:32,691 --> 00:20:34,693 where'd... Where'd she... 552 00:20:35,777 --> 00:20:36,820 Where'd... 553 00:20:36,904 --> 00:20:37,946 (EXHALES) 554 00:20:39,781 --> 00:20:41,325 Hey, Jess, I'm so sorry. 555 00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:44,119 That was cheesy, embarrassing. 556 00:20:44,203 --> 00:20:45,871 I didn't have great talent to work with. 557 00:20:45,954 --> 00:20:47,414 Winston was terrible. 558 00:20:53,378 --> 00:20:55,464 (SNIFFLES) 559 00:20:55,547 --> 00:20:58,425 It's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. 560 00:21:02,596 --> 00:21:04,014 And I'm sorry. 561 00:21:07,392 --> 00:21:10,312 -(MOVIE BEGINS) -Shh, shh. It's starting. 562 00:21:13,732 --> 00:21:15,484 (ALARM CHIRPS, EXPLOSION) 563 00:21:15,567 --> 00:21:18,278 Happy birthday, Jess. 564 00:21:18,362 --> 00:21:21,907 -That was so stupid, dude. -Oh, what is wrong with you? 565 00:21:21,990 --> 00:21:23,200 Ashamed of yourself. 566 00:21:23,283 --> 00:21:25,661 Come on, Schmidt. Quit it. 567 00:21:31,416 --> 00:21:32,543 -Boo. -SCHMIDT: No! 568 00:21:32,626 --> 00:21:34,253 (LAUGHING) 569 00:21:36,255 --> 00:21:37,464 SCHMIDT: What the hell, man? 570 00:21:37,548 --> 00:21:38,549 This is an important vehicle for me! 40959

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