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1
00:00:01,084 --> 00:00:05,339
Oh, snap, snap,
oh, snap, snap.
2
00:00:05,464 --> 00:00:07,174
Wow. That sounds pretty good.
3
00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:09,176
Thank you.
Hey, listen, Schmidt,
4
00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:11,637
I've been kind of stuck on
this whole career search thing.
5
00:00:11,762 --> 00:00:13,222
-Oh.
-You think I could be good at advertising?
6
00:00:13,305 --> 00:00:14,348
I mean, that's what you do, right?
7
00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:16,725
Advertising is a dog drinking beer,
8
00:00:16,808 --> 00:00:18,769
a fat moron falling down the stairs,
9
00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:20,270
a snot-nosed brat
10
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:22,272
kicking his rapping grandpa
in the testicles.
11
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,399
(LAUGHING) Rapping grandpa
kills me, though.
12
00:00:24,483 --> 00:00:26,527
I am in marketing, Winston.
13
00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:27,986
The backbone of capitalism.
14
00:00:28,111 --> 00:00:30,572
-Without it, you'd be dead in two days.
-I could be good at that.
15
00:00:30,656 --> 00:00:32,741
Probably not, but you can shadow
me at work today to find out.
16
00:00:32,824 --> 00:00:34,785
Yeah! Team Drug Store back from
17
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,912
Mission. Drug Store.
18
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,956
-Right, Coach?
-Yeah. Uh, can I have my bag?
19
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,290
JESS: Yeah. Good stuff.
20
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:41,667
-Good stuff.
-Thanks.
21
00:00:41,792 --> 00:00:43,585
So, same time next week, right?
22
00:00:43,669 --> 00:00:45,796
Team Drug Store? We'll go again
to the drug store?
23
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,339
Team Drug Store?
24
00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:50,551
-(DOOR CLOSES)
-Ugh! God! What a walnut! (SCOFFS)
25
00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:53,512
It's been two months
we've been living with him,
26
00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:54,721
and I have yet to crack him.
27
00:00:54,847 --> 00:00:56,431
It's like we just spent an hour together.
28
00:00:56,515 --> 00:00:58,141
It was, like, nothing, no connection.
29
00:00:58,225 --> 00:00:59,560
And don't tell me it's in my mind,
30
00:00:59,643 --> 00:01:00,686
because it's not.
31
00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:02,187
We ran into one of his friends,
32
00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:04,064
and Coach said the meanest thing about me.
33
00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:05,232
Check these out.
34
00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,109
Can you believe these are for glaucoma?
35
00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:09,695
She's my buddy's girlfriend.
36
00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:14,074
You are my girlfriend.
What's the big deal?
37
00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:16,285
I want him to think of me as his friend.
38
00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:18,245
-Oh, I hear that.
-Well, it'll happen if it's meant to.
39
00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:19,997
I need to find a way in.
40
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,623
I found a way to force myself
into all of your lives.
41
00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:22,791
You just didn't know it.
42
00:01:23,041 --> 00:01:24,793
Food, clothes, onesie pajamas.
43
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,503
(LAUGHS) I like the butt flap.
44
00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:27,838
You really think mine was food?
45
00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:30,507
I can think of five other reasons
46
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:31,884
I wanted to be your friend.
47
00:01:31,967 --> 00:01:33,468
Boob, boob, vagina,
butt cheek, butt cheek.
48
00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:35,095
-In that order?
-Well, I'm not gonna say,
49
00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:37,181
"Vagina, butt cheek, boob,
butt cheek, boob."
50
00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:39,141
-Yeah, but that's the correct...
-That's the order, yeah.
51
00:01:39,224 --> 00:01:40,726
Who's that girl?
52
00:01:40,809 --> 00:01:42,144
Who's that girl?
53
00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:43,604
Who's that girl?
54
00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:45,397
-Who's that girl?
-It's Jess.
55
00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:47,107
JESS: Look, Nick, I need help.
56
00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:49,443
Like, tell me about Coach.
Like, what's up with him?
57
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,361
What does he like?
What does he dislike?
58
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:53,530
Well, Coach 101 is,
he's watching basketball. Yeah.
59
00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:55,365
And that's all he's gonna do
from October till June.
60
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:56,700
His team's the Pistons.
61
00:01:58,076 --> 00:01:59,369
I mean, they were great in the '80s,
62
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:00,495
but then we got Jordan.
63
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:01,622
Then they started getting good.
64
00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:03,040
Then we got Thibodeau.
65
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,666
What you gonna do now?
And he knows that.
66
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,668
That's genius. Basketball.
That's my way in.
67
00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:08,795
Basketball's not your in.
You don't know anything about basketball.
68
00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:11,256
-Come on.
-You refer to it as "basketsball."
69
00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:13,258
Well, that's the
technically-correct term, Nick.
70
00:02:13,342 --> 00:02:14,968
There are two baskets.
71
00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:16,261
I'm an English teacher.
72
00:02:16,386 --> 00:02:18,096
Basketball's just the first step.
73
00:02:18,222 --> 00:02:19,473
We sit down, we watch a game.
74
00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:20,849
We have a few laughs.
75
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:23,018
Before you know it,
76
00:02:23,101 --> 00:02:25,229
we'll be digging into each other's pasts.
77
00:02:25,354 --> 00:02:27,481
-That's not how it works, though.
-Childhoods, Nick.
78
00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:28,732
That's the friendship money shot.
79
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,234
Men watch sports
80
00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:31,735
so we don't have
to talk about childhood stuff.
81
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,362
No. It's a real thing.
82
00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:35,280
And the game doesn't even
have deeper meaning.
83
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:36,907
-Come on.
-And there's no layers to it.
84
00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:40,202
If I'm talking about a player
overcoming the defense to win,
85
00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:42,579
-that's not like I'm overcoming it.
-No. Come on.
86
00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:44,581
Not only that.
He's a Pistons fan, and I'm a Bulls fan.
87
00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:46,291
Right. I don't understand, no.
88
00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:48,544
-It's rivalries.
-Sharks and cats.
89
00:02:48,627 --> 00:02:50,295
Yankees, Red Sox.
90
00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:52,047
Whales and dolphins.
91
00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:53,715
Pistons fan, Bulls fan.
End of discussion.
92
00:02:53,799 --> 00:02:56,593
I get it. Jean Valjean and Javert.
93
00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:58,220
Yeah, definitely.
94
00:02:58,303 --> 00:03:00,848
This is like a Jean Vanjer
and Vajer situation.
95
00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:02,391
So, where do you do the marketing?
96
00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:03,892
Oh, Winston, so sweet, so naive.
97
00:03:03,976 --> 00:03:05,352
Where do we do the marketing?
98
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:07,104
We do the marketing everywhere.
99
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,439
Now, you're gonna want to
take notes on everything I do,
100
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:12,067
'cause you're about to see life
happen at the speed of business.
101
00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:13,986
-Schmidt. I have a task for you.
-Hi, Kim.
102
00:03:14,111 --> 00:03:16,405
We got a new guy, and I
want you to show him around.
103
00:03:16,488 --> 00:03:18,532
-Wait. Who's this?
-Oh, I'm just shadowing Schmidt.
104
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:20,200
Called my bluff. Don't care.
105
00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:21,618
Ed?
106
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,329
-Come meet Schmidt.
-Okeydokey.
107
00:03:24,580 --> 00:03:26,081
That's the new guy?
Mmm-hmm.
108
00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:27,374
New compared to what, the moon?
109
00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:28,458
Here's what happened.
110
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:31,336
Gwen turned 45, so we had to fire her.
111
00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:33,672
Obviously. So, wait.
112
00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:34,798
Gwen's job is available?
113
00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,341
Yeah, but then Grandma turned around
114
00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:37,718
and filed an ageism lawsuit,
115
00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:39,970
so we hired Bran Flakes here
to cover our ass.
116
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,346
-Just do it.
-All right, I'll do it.
117
00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:43,390
Well, here I am. Okay.
118
00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:46,018
I'm Schmidt. I guess they wanted
you to learn from the best.
119
00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:48,729
Well, actually, they said your
office was closest to the can.
120
00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:51,940
I got a prostate the size of an avacada.
121
00:03:52,024 --> 00:03:53,442
"Closest to the can."
122
00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:54,610
Do not write that down, Winston!
123
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,528
Is it not closest to the can?
124
00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:57,738
-(INDISTINCT VOICE ON TV)
-(KNOCK ON DOOR)
125
00:03:57,821 --> 00:03:58,822
Yes!
126
00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,365
Hey.
127
00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:01,909
Whoa. (COUGHS)
128
00:04:01,992 --> 00:04:03,869
I stay sealed off
during basketball season.
129
00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:06,830
Plus, I, uh, dropped some olives
under the bed, can't reach 'em.
130
00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:08,415
Oh. I got little pinchers.
131
00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:10,501
-(LAUGHS)
-Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yoom.
132
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,461
Hey, so...
133
00:04:12,544 --> 00:04:16,340
I was gonna watch the, uh,
Pistons of Detroit game.
134
00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:17,799
Don't really have the reach for that.
135
00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:19,176
(GRUNTS) Good thing I got legs.
136
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:20,928
-Wait. You like the Pistons?
-Oh, yeah. Just like you.
137
00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:22,012
Are you serious?
138
00:04:22,137 --> 00:04:23,722
Yeah, I'm dead serious.
139
00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:25,307
Aw! So, you in?
140
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:26,683
Be cool to watch it on a big TV.
141
00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:28,769
I found your olives.
142
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,562
-Oh, you did?
-Thought they were gonna be in a jar.
143
00:04:30,646 --> 00:04:31,813
No.
144
00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:34,775
This is a big part of the biz, my man.
145
00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:36,902
Networking, face time, making deals.
146
00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:40,447
Normally, this would have a much
sexier, businessman's vibe.
147
00:04:40,531 --> 00:04:43,575
But not when I'm dragging around
this old drooling potato.
148
00:04:43,659 --> 00:04:46,411
"Potata"? Yeah, I can
split a baked "potata."
149
00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:48,038
-What a life you must have lead.
-Ah.
150
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,373
Tell us about the streetcar, will you?
151
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:51,166
Oh, it was a dynamite way to get around.
152
00:04:51,250 --> 00:04:53,210
-Mmm-hmm.
-Pasadena to the beach...
153
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,920
-Hey.
-I'll take another one of these.
154
00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:56,463
Sure.
155
00:04:56,547 --> 00:04:58,340
You know, Cece, I can't help but think
156
00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:00,551
that I am just following another bad lead
157
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,219
with this marketing thing.
158
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,429
All I'm doing is taking a bunch
of notes for Schmidt.
159
00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:08,433
What's this? "Seems
befuddled and totally lucid,
160
00:05:08,517 --> 00:05:11,061
"smells too clean"?
Those were just notes about Ed.
161
00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:14,565
I'll tell you what, that dude is
way more interesting than marketing.
162
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:16,483
If I'm gonna take Gwen's job
163
00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:18,569
and become the next CIO of Ass-Strat,
164
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,654
I can't just embrace modernization.
165
00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:23,115
I got to make babies with it.
Do you know what I mean?
166
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:24,449
It's time to unveil my baby.
167
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,743
Micro-marketing.
168
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,537
Yeah, we target our messages directly
169
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:30,664
to the individual consumer.
170
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:32,374
What a good idea.
171
00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:34,626
They're gonna hold
a ticker-tape parade for you
172
00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:36,378
in the Jewish part of town.
173
00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:37,921
-That's right, in the Jewish part of town.
-Yeah.
174
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:39,298
(INDISTINCT VOICES ON TV)
175
00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:42,217
Mmm. Nothing but net.
176
00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:43,886
Traditionally, "nothing but net"
177
00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:45,596
refers to hitting nothing
but inside of the net.
178
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:46,805
-Oh?
-Ah, so,
179
00:05:46,889 --> 00:05:48,015
yeah, no.
180
00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,099
(HORN BLARES ON TV)
181
00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:50,434
Oh, time-out.
182
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:51,643
Butt bump.
183
00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:53,270
What?
184
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,314
-I'm ready.
-What? The butt... Oh.
185
00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:56,648
Come on.
186
00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:58,483
All right.
187
00:05:58,609 --> 00:05:59,943
Hey! Hey! What is that?
188
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:01,278
It's the Pistons butt bump.
189
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:03,197
I didn't know your girlfriend
was a Pistons fan.
190
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:04,281
(LAUGHS)
191
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,657
That's got to suck for you, man.
192
00:06:05,741 --> 00:06:07,117
But I guess everything sucks for you
193
00:06:07,201 --> 00:06:08,660
when you root for the Bulls.
194
00:06:08,744 --> 00:06:09,786
(LAUGHS)
195
00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:12,080
-Butt bump! Ooh.
-Ah. Ooh.
196
00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:14,666
Oh, cool, cool, cool. So you're
a Pistons fan now, Jess?
197
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,793
-(MOUTHING)
-COACH: Suck it, Bulls!
198
00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,545
Yeah. Suck it, Bulls!
199
00:06:18,629 --> 00:06:20,672
COACH: The worst team
in the league, the Bulls.
200
00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:22,674
Oh, it's the worst team
in the league, all right.
201
00:06:22,758 --> 00:06:24,384
Who is the worst team in the league, Jess?
202
00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:25,761
-The Bulls.
-(COACH LAUGHS)
203
00:06:25,844 --> 00:06:27,888
(SINGING) The Bulls are the worst team
204
00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:29,681
In the league.
205
00:06:31,350 --> 00:06:32,809
Hey.
206
00:06:33,769 --> 00:06:36,480
So, went really well today.
207
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:39,566
I think Coach and I are really connecting.
208
00:06:39,650 --> 00:06:41,818
Come on, what is that?
209
00:06:44,154 --> 00:06:45,948
What do you mean?
210
00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:47,658
What? Oh, Coach gave this to me.
211
00:06:47,783 --> 00:06:49,451
How cute is this shirt?
212
00:06:49,618 --> 00:06:50,744
Don't take this
the wrong way, but I'm gonna
213
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:51,912
need you to get out of my bed.
214
00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:53,747
Why? Because of the shirt?
215
00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:54,873
100% because of the shirt.
216
00:06:55,791 --> 00:06:57,459
Oh, my God, you're serious.
217
00:06:57,543 --> 00:06:59,086
I can't have you in my bed
in a Pistons shirt.
218
00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:00,170
-Oh, my God!
-I need you out of the bed.
219
00:07:00,254 --> 00:07:02,214
-Jess, I need you to get out of there.
-(SCOFFS)
220
00:07:02,297 --> 00:07:04,216
I tried being cool about it,
but it's not cool.
221
00:07:04,299 --> 00:07:05,342
-Really?
-Really.
222
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,135
Nick, it's just basketball.
223
00:07:07,219 --> 00:07:08,220
Why are you taking this personally?
224
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:09,930
Because it's personal, Jess!
225
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:11,306
That's my team.
226
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,683
It's the city that I'm from.
227
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:15,018
It's most of my relationship with my dad.
228
00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,436
R.I.P., by the way.
229
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,313
Michael Jordan.
230
00:07:18,397 --> 00:07:20,524
The first man that taught me
that I could love a man.
231
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:22,025
And the Pistons are our rivals.
232
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,777
They're like in Hamlet...
233
00:07:23,861 --> 00:07:26,071
the McCalls and the... Hacksperes.
234
00:07:26,405 --> 00:07:27,573
You're my girlfriend now,
235
00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:30,033
so... you got to be a Bulls fan.
236
00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:31,243
That's the whole point, Nick.
237
00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:32,828
Coach just thinks of me
as your girlfriend,
238
00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,746
and I want him to know me for me.
239
00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:36,456
Do you want me to be friends with Coach?
240
00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:38,500
I, I absolutely do. Yes.
241
00:07:38,584 --> 00:07:40,127
So, then, why can't I be a Pistons fan
242
00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:41,503
until we become friends,
243
00:07:41,587 --> 00:07:42,921
and then I'll switch to the Bulls?
244
00:07:43,005 --> 00:07:44,590
So every year you can
just pick a new team?
245
00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:46,550
You meet a new friend,
you're a fan of that?
246
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:47,885
I could never trust you.
247
00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:49,469
Can we just have sex now, please?
248
00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:52,055
I'm sorry. You can't be
a Pistons fan. I forbid it.
249
00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:53,432
It has to be this way.
250
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:55,934
You can't forbid me to do stuff.
251
00:07:56,018 --> 00:07:58,395
That's just not... You...
That's not within your power.
252
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,314
-I just did.
-The shirt stays!
253
00:08:00,439 --> 00:08:02,274
Jessica, you're leaving me
no options here.
254
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,484
I'm gonna have to turn off the tap.
255
00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,862
-What tap?
-The sex tap.
256
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,615
But I need my vitamin D.
257
00:08:09,740 --> 00:08:12,659
As long as you're wearing
that shirt, the tap is off.
258
00:08:12,784 --> 00:08:14,620
No more... hot water.
259
00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:16,038
All right, fine, then.
260
00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:18,749
My shirt and I will go sleep in my bed.
261
00:08:24,213 --> 00:08:26,548
NICK: Oh. What happened to
your Pistons jersey?
262
00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:28,634
Did you rip it off and rush in here
263
00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:30,802
'cause she got to have it? (CHUCKLES)
264
00:08:30,886 --> 00:08:32,721
-Look, is this still a thing?
-Oh, it's still a thing.
265
00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:34,932
No sex for you as long
as you're a Pistons fan.
266
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,517
You can't use sex to manipulate...
267
00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:37,809
-What are you doing?
-Oh.
268
00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:39,645
Just brushing my dirty teeth.
269
00:08:40,646 --> 00:08:41,647
They're filthy.
270
00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:44,650
Nick, do not challenge me
to a sex standoff.
271
00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:47,486
I can channel all my sexual energy
into knitting.
272
00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:48,904
How do you think I made it
through high school?
273
00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:51,198
It's good when you go fast and then slow.
274
00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:53,325
Make the teeth wait for it.
275
00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:54,952
You're on.
276
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,036
Oh!
277
00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:57,913
Oh! Oh!
278
00:08:57,996 --> 00:09:00,207
-Oh! Yeah!
-Oh! Yeah! Turnover!
279
00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:02,459
-Dunk it from the downtown!
-Go! Go! Go!
280
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:05,087
-Pass that pumpkin to Josh Smith.
-You better listen to my friend.
281
00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:07,214
She knows exactly
what she's talking about!
282
00:09:07,548 --> 00:09:09,132
Did you just call me your friend?
283
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:10,384
Hmm?
284
00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:11,635
What's up, guys?
285
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:14,513
Ah, two minutes in,
and the Pistons are already down by ten.
286
00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:15,806
What a drag.
287
00:09:15,931 --> 00:09:17,015
What the heck are you wearing, dude?
288
00:09:17,099 --> 00:09:18,976
Just my Scottie Pippens. Yeah.
289
00:09:19,351 --> 00:09:21,937
Oh, hey, I'm just checking up on you.
You frustrated at all?
290
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:24,231
You need your... vitamin D?
291
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:25,315
No.
292
00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:27,067
(CHARGE PLAYS ON TV)
293
00:09:27,192 --> 00:09:28,277
(CROWD CHEERING ON TV)
294
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,279
Jessica...
295
00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:32,072
-Three-point play! Yes!
-Oh, yeah!
296
00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:33,407
That's what I'm talking about!
297
00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:36,785
JESS: We are talking about the same thing,
my friend and I.
298
00:09:38,954 --> 00:09:41,290
Do my berries make you hungry?
299
00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:43,667
(NICK SPITS)
300
00:09:43,876 --> 00:09:45,878
Mmm. Refreshing.
301
00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:47,546
Just drink the water, Nick.
302
00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:49,798
You're turning yourself on now.
303
00:09:49,882 --> 00:09:50,883
I really am, yeah.
304
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,593
(GRUNTS)
305
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,136
Okay, next order of business is...
306
00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,805
Kim, if I may, uh, present
an idea very quickly
307
00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:58,682
to the group.
While I know...
308
00:09:58,765 --> 00:09:59,808
Micro-marketing.
309
00:09:59,892 --> 00:10:01,143
What? Has this company ever
310
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:04,730
considered targeting its message
to individual consumers?
311
00:10:04,813 --> 00:10:07,649
Big data's knocking.
Let's open the door.
312
00:10:07,733 --> 00:10:08,775
Just a thought.
313
00:10:08,859 --> 00:10:09,902
Yeah, interesting.
Ed, look into that
314
00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:11,361
and present it to the board ASAP.
315
00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:12,905
Great job. I'd hug you,
316
00:10:12,988 --> 00:10:15,490
but you smell like a public library.
317
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:18,327
(QUIETLY) What are you doing?
I may be dirty, but I play old.
318
00:10:18,493 --> 00:10:19,620
You said that wrong.
319
00:10:19,703 --> 00:10:22,873
And yet I got my paw
wrapped around your avacadas.
320
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:24,666
What is with you and avacadas?
321
00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:25,959
Sorry.
322
00:10:26,043 --> 00:10:28,879
You're never gonna
believe what Ed just did.
323
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,881
He stabbed you in the back.
324
00:10:31,006 --> 00:10:32,883
Winston, that's exactly what
happened. How did you do that?
325
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,092
I figured him out, Schmidt.
326
00:10:34,176 --> 00:10:37,596
That liver spot out-sharked me.
Can you believe that?
327
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:39,139
I'm, I'm a minnow.
328
00:10:39,223 --> 00:10:42,059
Tomorrow, Ed is gonna
present my idea to the board,
329
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,353
and then he's gonna get
the... get the promotion.
330
00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:46,897
My career is toast. Minnow toast.
331
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,857
Yeah, well, I tip my hat to him.
332
00:10:48,941 --> 00:10:50,901
The minnow tips his tiny hat to the shark,
333
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,153
and then lays down on
the toast to be eaten.
334
00:10:53,237 --> 00:10:55,364
There is too much going on in
whatever metaphor you're trying.
335
00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:56,448
Okay? It's too busy.
336
00:10:56,532 --> 00:10:57,783
Somewhat made...
Oh, forget it.
337
00:10:57,866 --> 00:10:59,576
Ed wins. I'm a mess.
338
00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:00,953
Hell, no, Schmidt.
339
00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:02,913
Justice has to be served, all right?
340
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,873
Mmm-hmm.
Right. Let us stop Ed.
341
00:11:04,957 --> 00:11:07,918
The minnow needs to get up off of...
342
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,795
No, off of the toast mat
343
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:13,841
and fish-fight his way
to the Orangutan Ball.
344
00:11:14,967 --> 00:11:16,844
I just don't understand
345
00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:20,472
why they keep giving these games away!
346
00:11:20,556 --> 00:11:22,015
You know what it was?
347
00:11:22,099 --> 00:11:23,392
It was that turnover in the third quarter.
348
00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:25,018
-Right.
-Yeah. I'll show you.
349
00:11:25,102 --> 00:11:26,687
I can just take your word for it.
350
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:28,438
Actually, let's do it from the beginning.
351
00:11:28,522 --> 00:11:31,859
You want to watch the game
we just watched all over again?
352
00:11:31,942 --> 00:11:33,861
-Mmm-hmm.
-With both overtimes?
353
00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:35,571
Mmm-hmm.
354
00:11:36,113 --> 00:11:37,281
Great.
355
00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:47,791
Looking for somebody?
356
00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:49,293
Just doing a bed check.
357
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:51,837
And you are accounted for, so...
358
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,923
-(CLICKS TONGUE) See you.
-So, how's it going?
359
00:11:55,007 --> 00:11:57,593
You guys bonding over basketball, Jess?
360
00:11:57,676 --> 00:12:00,220
We're actually this close to
moving past basketball
361
00:12:00,304 --> 00:12:02,472
-and into real friendship, so...
-Great.
362
00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:03,640
I'm feeling pretty good about it.
363
00:12:03,724 --> 00:12:05,184
After the Pistons lost,
364
00:12:05,267 --> 00:12:07,227
did he get really sad
and talk to you about it?
365
00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:08,937
About how he felt and you guys
366
00:12:09,021 --> 00:12:10,063
became besties after?
367
00:12:10,147 --> 00:12:11,732
Or did that not happen
368
00:12:11,815 --> 00:12:13,901
because that's not the way men are?
369
00:12:13,984 --> 00:12:16,320
The Pistons lost,
370
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,405
so you must be feeling pretty good.
371
00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:20,073
-Oh, I'm happy, yeah.
-Yeah?
372
00:12:20,157 --> 00:12:21,909
-You're feeling excited?
-Mmm-hmm.
373
00:12:21,992 --> 00:12:23,327
Worked up? Yeah.
374
00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:25,495
Ready to cave?
375
00:12:25,579 --> 00:12:27,331
-Oh, I've never been stronger.
-Oh, yeah?
376
00:12:27,539 --> 00:12:29,917
So if I just read you a description of,
377
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,044
like, what a piston does,
378
00:12:32,127 --> 00:12:33,253
you know,
379
00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:35,339
on my phone,
it wouldn't affect you at all?
380
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,924
Is that what you're saying?
381
00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:38,133
It's just
382
00:12:38,217 --> 00:12:39,259
a rod
383
00:12:39,343 --> 00:12:41,220
that transfers,
384
00:12:41,303 --> 00:12:43,013
uh, force
385
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,473
from the crank shaft...
386
00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:45,933
What is this,
a seduction class
387
00:12:46,016 --> 00:12:47,434
for kindergarteners?
388
00:12:47,518 --> 00:12:50,020
Watch the master work.
389
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,939
(GRUNTING)
390
00:12:52,022 --> 00:12:53,774
Ooh.
391
00:12:56,610 --> 00:12:58,779
How about this?
392
00:13:03,659 --> 00:13:05,077
A little Paula Abdul stuff.
393
00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:08,038
Oh.
394
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:11,542
Yeah.
395
00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:13,085
-Are we doing this?
-(CHUCKLES)
396
00:13:13,168 --> 00:13:14,378
-Ha!
-What are you doing?
397
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,463
Ball's in my court now, pal.
398
00:13:16,547 --> 00:13:18,298
(LAUGHS)
399
00:13:18,382 --> 00:13:21,844
I'm turning off my tap
until you become a Pistons fan.
400
00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:24,012
-Hey, that wasn't part of the deal.
-It is now.
401
00:13:24,096 --> 00:13:25,264
Mmm.
402
00:13:25,347 --> 00:13:26,974
(GRUNTS)
403
00:13:32,813 --> 00:13:35,190
SCHMIDT: I can't figure out
my counterstrike, Winston.
404
00:13:35,357 --> 00:13:37,818
The only thing we know about Ed
is that he's old and cranky,
405
00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:40,988
and he baffles me because
I'm so darn young and pleasant.
406
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:43,949
We just gotta get insight
into his old, cranky mind.
407
00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:46,118
We have to find an older, crankier mind.
408
00:13:46,201 --> 00:13:47,995
How are we gonna find an older,
crankier mind than Ed?
409
00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:49,204
Hey, where are you guys getting
410
00:13:49,288 --> 00:13:50,539
your photos developed these days?
411
00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:54,501
I got these beefcake selfies
that I want to dangle in front of Jess,
412
00:13:54,585 --> 00:13:56,211
get her engine revved up.
413
00:13:56,295 --> 00:13:57,296
Hmm. Your phone
414
00:13:57,379 --> 00:13:58,630
has a camera, Nick.
415
00:13:58,714 --> 00:14:00,883
These are sexy, sensual, private pics.
416
00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:03,844
I don't want them beamed
right into Snowden's pocket.
417
00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:05,387
I'm not going through Wikileaks, man.
418
00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:07,222
It's not for me. Analog,
419
00:14:07,306 --> 00:14:08,390
it's the only thing you can trust.
420
00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:10,976
You care to elaborate, you know,
on this whole analog thing?
421
00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:12,519
No, here's the reality, you never know
422
00:14:12,603 --> 00:14:13,770
what's gonna happen with a phone.
423
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:16,273
-Right.
-The hinges that hold the flip together...
424
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:17,733
-Flip.
-...they get loosened over time
425
00:14:17,816 --> 00:14:18,817
when they get wet.
426
00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:20,444
And then once you open it,
it's easier for people
427
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,112
to go in there and see your passwords
428
00:14:22,196 --> 00:14:23,614
and, you know, see your codes.
429
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:25,657
Once the screen breaks, your information's
430
00:14:25,741 --> 00:14:26,742
in the Twitterverse, man.
431
00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:27,951
And it's all out there
432
00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:30,621
for everyone to see, all these little
monkey elves, man, all these kids.
433
00:14:30,746 --> 00:14:32,956
That's all they do. (SPUTTERS)
Get your information, man.
434
00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:34,166
Bottom line is you can't control
435
00:14:34,249 --> 00:14:36,001
your technology.
436
00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:37,711
That's what's going on in Japan
with all those robots.
437
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:38,962
Not for me, man.
438
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:40,339
That's why I trust a hard copy.
439
00:14:40,422 --> 00:14:41,465
Plain and simple.
440
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:42,591
Hard copy, Schmidt.
441
00:14:42,674 --> 00:14:44,259
Nice work. Thank you.
442
00:14:44,343 --> 00:14:46,428
And, Nick, you know, if you're
gonna be taking boudoir shots,
443
00:14:46,512 --> 00:14:47,638
please consult me.
444
00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:49,056
-I know.
-I have a series of poses
445
00:14:49,139 --> 00:14:50,599
that many people, including myself,
446
00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:51,850
-find very sexy.
-All right.
447
00:14:51,934 --> 00:14:54,895
Okay, here's one
that I call the half nelson.
448
00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:57,940
-Yeah, I didn't do that.
-This is called a Guy Fieri.
449
00:14:58,148 --> 00:14:59,399
Just taste the sauces. Yeah.
450
00:14:59,483 --> 00:15:00,526
Black licorice.
451
00:15:00,609 --> 00:15:02,236
Ooh. Yeah.
452
00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:03,529
You're welcome.
453
00:15:05,322 --> 00:15:06,573
Schmidt's dead wrong.
454
00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:08,742
-Oh, yeah?
-I got some real hot pics in here.
455
00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:10,661
-I don't care.
-There's one of me as a sexy mayor,
456
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:12,871
looking out the window,
deciding the future of my city.
457
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:14,706
It's got to get her going. (CHUCKLES)
458
00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:16,917
Daddy needs his cookie.
459
00:15:17,835 --> 00:15:20,170
-Dude, just wear the damn Pistons jersey.
-Oh, my God,
460
00:15:20,254 --> 00:15:21,755
I've got to end this.
461
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:23,715
-(WIRE SNAPS)
-(JESS GRUNTS)
462
00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:25,926
COACH: What time is it? (CHUCKLES)
463
00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:27,511
Game time!
464
00:15:27,636 --> 00:15:30,305
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
465
00:15:30,389 --> 00:15:32,015
(SING-SONG VOICE) It's my favorite time.
466
00:15:32,099 --> 00:15:33,892
Other than... Medieval time.
467
00:15:34,017 --> 00:15:35,435
(CHUCKLES) All right.
468
00:15:35,519 --> 00:15:36,520
Huh?
469
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:37,646
-What the...
-What the...
470
00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:39,314
-Let me see what's...
-Wait, no, I'll do it.
471
00:15:39,398 --> 00:15:40,732
It's okay.
472
00:15:41,358 --> 00:15:42,401
(JESS GASPS)
473
00:15:42,484 --> 00:15:45,404
No! Oh, my God, a mouse...
474
00:15:45,487 --> 00:15:48,282
rat or... uh, some creature.
475
00:15:48,574 --> 00:15:51,827
I got to go watch it in my room.
Wait, no, no, no. Coach, Coach, Coach,
476
00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:53,620
look, since we can't watch the game,
477
00:15:53,704 --> 00:15:56,415
why don't we just have
a nice, long chat over coffee?
478
00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:58,500
-What?
-You know, just talk, hang out.
479
00:15:58,584 --> 00:16:00,294
-What?
-And then coffee turns
480
00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:02,045
to dinner, and dinner
turns to weekly dinner,
481
00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:04,840
and before you know it,
I'm best man at your beach wedding.
482
00:16:05,299 --> 00:16:07,134
Do we have to?
483
00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:10,012
We don't... Okay.
484
00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:16,727
You start.
485
00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:18,145
Me?
486
00:16:19,771 --> 00:16:22,649
Hey, you want to do this over food?
487
00:16:22,858 --> 00:16:24,151
Yes! Yes!
488
00:16:24,318 --> 00:16:27,112
No! No, no, no, no!
489
00:16:27,196 --> 00:16:30,699
No! Come on! Get your head
out of your ass so you can see
490
00:16:30,782 --> 00:16:31,783
where you're going, damn it!
491
00:16:31,867 --> 00:16:33,160
-(FRUSTRATED GRUNTING)
-Okay.
492
00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:34,703
-What?
-I have to say it.
493
00:16:34,786 --> 00:16:37,080
Coach, I... (GRUNTS)
494
00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:39,166
I don't like basketball.
495
00:16:39,249 --> 00:16:41,752
-What?
-There's, like, no fun parts.
496
00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:43,670
There's no themes.
497
00:16:43,754 --> 00:16:46,173
Men should not be wearing tank tops, ever.
498
00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:48,675
Why were you pretending
to like basketball?
499
00:16:48,759 --> 00:16:50,302
'Cause I wanted to be friends with you.
500
00:16:50,385 --> 00:16:52,179
Dude, you're my buddy's girlfriend.
501
00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:53,889
We're watching the game.
502
00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:56,099
What's the problem, dude?
What else do you want?
503
00:16:56,183 --> 00:17:00,312
No, you're right. I'm just, um...
I'm just Nick's girlfriend, so...
504
00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:03,815
-Enjoy the game. Okay.
-Where are you going?
505
00:17:03,899 --> 00:17:04,983
I'm just, um...
506
00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:06,735
(MUTTERING)
507
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:08,612
Jess... Where...
508
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,239
Jess!
509
00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:12,741
Ladies, you all look like a hundred bucks.
510
00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:16,203
I hope someone's taking you out
for oysters Rockefeller tonight.
511
00:17:16,411 --> 00:17:17,621
Now, before I begin,
512
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,915
my little helper here will
distribute some handouts
513
00:17:19,998 --> 00:17:21,083
for your reference.
514
00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:23,126
Uh, you know what, Ed?
I'm really sorry.
515
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:25,337
Company printers are on the fritz, so...
516
00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:26,839
little helper that I am,
517
00:17:26,922 --> 00:17:29,591
I decided to load everything
up onto the laptop.
518
00:17:32,636 --> 00:17:34,388
There you go.
519
00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:38,517
(LAUGHING) Well, I'm sure
520
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,352
there's a printer that works.
521
00:17:40,435 --> 00:17:42,062
I'll just wait for the hard copies.
522
00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:43,480
(WHISPERING) I broke all the printers.
523
00:17:43,605 --> 00:17:46,024
I'm gonna beat you with
an orange in a sock.
524
00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:48,402
Besides, we're talking
about technology, aren't we?
525
00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:50,320
Be a little silly to talk about technology
526
00:17:50,404 --> 00:17:52,531
without using technology.
Am I right, Kim?
527
00:17:52,656 --> 00:17:53,782
Use the technology, Ed.
528
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:55,409
(CHUCKLES)
529
00:17:55,492 --> 00:17:57,286
(CLEARS THROAT)
530
00:17:57,369 --> 00:17:59,955
Hup-i-dip-i-dip...
531
00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:01,123
(CLEARS THROAT)
532
00:18:01,373 --> 00:18:02,791
Oh...
533
00:18:03,834 --> 00:18:04,918
(GRUNTS) My left arm.
534
00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:06,295
My neck.
535
00:18:06,461 --> 00:18:07,629
(ED GASPING)
536
00:18:07,796 --> 00:18:09,840
You got me this time, Hebrew.
537
00:18:09,923 --> 00:18:11,216
But I'll be back.
538
00:18:11,383 --> 00:18:12,676
(GROANS)
539
00:18:12,801 --> 00:18:15,012
This is why the cutoff's at 45, ladies.
540
00:18:15,137 --> 00:18:16,180
(GASPING)
541
00:18:16,263 --> 00:18:17,806
(WOMEN MURMURING)
542
00:18:17,890 --> 00:18:20,767
-SCHMIDT: Oh, okay. Okay.
-(THUDDING)
543
00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:25,606
NICK: Jess! You win!
544
00:18:25,689 --> 00:18:27,232
I'm all backed up!
545
00:18:27,316 --> 00:18:29,776
I've even been fantasizing about Winston!
546
00:18:29,860 --> 00:18:31,445
Where is she, dude?
547
00:18:31,528 --> 00:18:33,030
(LAUGHING)
548
00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:34,364
Don't do that laugh.
549
00:18:34,448 --> 00:18:36,116
(LAUGHING)
550
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:37,784
What are you wearing, dude?
551
00:18:37,910 --> 00:18:38,911
It's for sex.
552
00:18:38,994 --> 00:18:40,537
(SING-SONG VOICE) You like the Pistons.
553
00:18:40,662 --> 00:18:43,373
-Why don't you shut up, Coach?
-(LAUGHS)
554
00:18:43,457 --> 00:18:46,210
-Where's Jess?
-What is up with that girl, dude?
555
00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:47,878
One minute we're watching
the game, the next she's, like,
556
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:49,755
calling me a jerk
and storming out of the place.
557
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:51,298
She just wants
to be your friend.
558
00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:52,549
Any idiot can see that.
559
00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:53,884
We were being friends.
560
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:55,219
We were watching
the game together.
561
00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:56,303
It was an awesome game.
562
00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:57,930
Okay, maybe she
wants more than that.
563
00:18:58,013 --> 00:19:00,098
-Like what?
-You want to know a trick?
564
00:19:00,182 --> 00:19:01,183
Absolutely.
565
00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:02,643
This is how you
get in with Jess.
566
00:19:02,726 --> 00:19:05,854
You know when you're driving your car
and you have a random thought, like...
567
00:19:05,938 --> 00:19:07,898
"I wonder if
seals are friends."
568
00:19:08,106 --> 00:19:09,399
Yeah, or like...
569
00:19:09,483 --> 00:19:10,817
"I really want
to text right now,
570
00:19:10,901 --> 00:19:12,152
"but there's a cop
behind me."
571
00:19:12,236 --> 00:19:13,237
That's not
the one I mean.
572
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,988
"Why do T. rex
have little arms?"
573
00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:16,949
Don't finish. Don't...
I know you, don't...
574
00:19:17,032 --> 00:19:18,992
"If they get an itch in their crotch,
how do they scratch it?"
575
00:19:19,076 --> 00:19:21,245
I mean more like sweet,
kind of emotional stuff.
576
00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:22,538
Like, if you combed,
you know,
577
00:19:22,621 --> 00:19:24,373
like, a gorilla's hair,
would it like it?
578
00:19:24,456 --> 00:19:26,834
Like... I've never seen
a baby pigeon before.
579
00:19:26,917 --> 00:19:28,043
Exactly!
580
00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:30,504
Tell that to her
and you get a friend for life.
581
00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:33,382
Now, excuse me.
582
00:19:33,465 --> 00:19:34,550
Sex awaits.
583
00:19:34,758 --> 00:19:36,635
Hey, Jess! You win!
584
00:19:36,718 --> 00:19:39,096
I want to take you!
585
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:40,931
Respectfully!
586
00:19:46,854 --> 00:19:48,689
-Come here.
-Take that jersey off.
587
00:19:48,772 --> 00:19:50,023
Actually, leave it on.
588
00:19:54,403 --> 00:19:55,571
JESS: Oh!
589
00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:57,948
To Winston. Hear, hear.
590
00:19:58,031 --> 00:19:59,157
As a thank you, I'd like... I'd like
591
00:19:59,241 --> 00:20:00,492
to get you a job at Ass-Strat.
592
00:20:00,576 --> 00:20:02,035
I'll make you a real Ass man.
593
00:20:02,995 --> 00:20:03,996
Mmm...
594
00:20:04,079 --> 00:20:05,080
I don't know, man.
595
00:20:05,163 --> 00:20:06,540
I kind of liked the part where we
596
00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:08,166
-just get to analyze evidence, you know.
-Mmm-hmm.
597
00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:10,002
Connect the dots a little bit, yeah.
598
00:20:10,085 --> 00:20:11,712
Live inside of someone else's mind.
599
00:20:11,795 --> 00:20:13,505
Spoken like a true marketing analyst.
I don't know.
600
00:20:13,589 --> 00:20:15,716
You know, I kind of want
to be free of a desk as well.
601
00:20:15,841 --> 00:20:17,593
-Well...
-Roam the streets a little bit.
602
00:20:17,676 --> 00:20:19,469
Just sniff out clues.
Let me ask you something.
603
00:20:19,553 --> 00:20:20,929
You guys get donuts in the morning?
604
00:20:21,013 --> 00:20:22,347
You ever thought of being a cop?
605
00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:24,558
Winston, I think you'd be great.
606
00:20:24,683 --> 00:20:25,684
I can see it.
607
00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:27,895
You know, it's funny.
I was thinking the exact same thing.
608
00:20:27,978 --> 00:20:29,980
You've already got high cholesterol
and weird people skills.
609
00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:31,815
"Officer Bishop."
610
00:20:31,899 --> 00:20:33,025
I like the way that sounds.
611
00:20:33,108 --> 00:20:34,318
It would be nice to retroactively
612
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:35,402
justify that mustache.
613
00:20:35,485 --> 00:20:36,945
It's a hell of a mustache.
614
00:20:38,780 --> 00:20:40,991
What does that mean?
That was from a movie.
615
00:20:41,116 --> 00:20:42,618
-Training Day's my favorite movie.
-I understand that,
616
00:20:42,701 --> 00:20:44,453
but you understand that's
not what being a cop is.
617
00:20:44,536 --> 00:20:46,330
I want to drop fools! Huh?
That's what you're telling me?
618
00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:47,581
-I get to drop fools?
-If you think this means
619
00:20:47,664 --> 00:20:49,333
-you can start yelling at me...
-You damn right, sucker!
620
00:20:49,458 --> 00:20:51,502
That's what that means.
Oh, I apologize about that.
621
00:20:52,544 --> 00:20:53,545
Jess?
622
00:20:53,670 --> 00:20:54,713
(LAUGHS)
623
00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:56,548
Jessica Day-hey-ey.
624
00:20:56,632 --> 00:20:58,133
I just want to say that, um,
625
00:20:58,217 --> 00:21:00,260
I would love to be your friend.
626
00:21:00,344 --> 00:21:02,262
Look, I know I'm crazy about the Pistons,
627
00:21:02,346 --> 00:21:04,473
but it's just because Detroit was the city
628
00:21:04,556 --> 00:21:06,058
I lived in the longest as a kid.
629
00:21:06,141 --> 00:21:07,809
I lived in, like,
six different states
630
00:21:07,893 --> 00:21:09,144
by the time I was ten.
631
00:21:09,228 --> 00:21:10,354
At a certain point, I just...
632
00:21:10,437 --> 00:21:12,189
stopped trying to make friends.
633
00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:13,440
Ah!
634
00:21:14,525 --> 00:21:17,277
(SIGHS) Got real comfy on that.
635
00:21:17,361 --> 00:21:18,737
Really?
636
00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:20,948
Lot easier saying bye
to your buddy's girlfriend
637
00:21:21,031 --> 00:21:22,199
than it is your friend.
638
00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:24,034
Well, I'm not gonna be
639
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:26,286
saying goodbye to you anytime soon.
640
00:21:27,246 --> 00:21:28,288
Except for right now.
641
00:21:28,372 --> 00:21:29,414
Oh.
642
00:21:29,748 --> 00:21:31,416
You want to do a butt bump?
643
00:21:32,084 --> 00:21:33,418
Butt...
644
00:21:33,502 --> 00:21:35,045
Ah, you're probably doing
your own butt bumps.
645
00:21:35,128 --> 00:21:37,965
Cool. I know you guys are already done.
46522
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