All language subtitles for The.Actors.2003.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

[girl] This is a story

about my Uncle Tommy
and his friend Mr. O'Malley

and how everybody got upset because they were all confused.

This is a story
about the actors.

[thunder]

"Now is the winter
of our discontent

"made glorious summer
by this sun of York,

"and all the clouds
that lour'd upon our house

"in the deep bosom
of the ocean buried.

"Now are our brows
bound with victorious wreaths,

"our bruised arms
hung up for monuments,

"our stern alarums
chang'd to merry meetings,

"our dreadful marches
to delightful measures.

"Grim-visag'd war hath smooth'd
his wrinkled front,

"and now,
instead of mounting
barb-ed steeds

"to fright the souls
of fearful adversaries,

"he capers nimbly
in a lady's chamber

to the lascivious pleasings
of a lute."

[man]Sorry, sorry. Could you
just say what's on the card?

I was told
to prepare something.

I know, but if you could
just say what's on the card,
please. Look into the camera.

[woman]Hold up the packet.

Just hold it a little higher.
A bit higher. And just what's
on the card. That's all. OK.

"McCullagh's. My God,
that's a right lump
of a sausage."

Brilliant.
That was great. Um...

Could you just put
a bit more welly in it?

Wel... Welly?

Welly, yeah.

"McCullagh's. My God,
that's a right lump
of a sausage!"

Sell it to me, will you?
Sell it.

"McCullagh's. My God,
that's a right..."

Sorry. You're talking
about sausages, but I don't
believe a word of this.

I mean, I just don't
believe it.

I'm finding this hard
to get worked up about,
actually.

Where are your feelings?
You're an actor.
Believe it, will you?

McCull...
I'm sorry, I can't.

You're going? Excuse me. Sorry,
didn't mean to offend you.

Didn't mean to offend
your sensibilities, pal.

[man]Next. [woman]Next.

[woman]My God, that's
a right lump of a sausage.

[man]My God,
that's a right lump...

[♪ "Star of the Sea"]

[girl] ♪ In the city,
there's a thousand souls and

♪ I wanna tell them all
I'm sorry

♪ I get up,
and I face the morning

♪ I get up, and I face
the morning tonight

[children] ♪ It's all right

♪ Star

♪ Of the sea

♪ Have mercy

♪ On me

♪ Part

♪ The clouds

♪ Look down

♪ Look down

♪ In the city,
there's a thousand souls and

♪ I want to tell them all
I'm sorry

♪ I get up,
and I face the morning

♪ I get up, and I face
the morning tonight

♪ It's all right

♪ Star

♪ Of the sea

♪ Have mercy

♪ On me

♪ Star

♪ In the clouds

♪ Look down

♪ Look down

[man]Where is the power,
then, to... to beat him back?

Where be thy followers?
And... And thy... thy tenants?

Are they now upon
the western shore,

safe-conducting the rebels
from their ships?

No, my good Lord.
My friends are in the north.

Cold friends to me.

What do they in the north
when they should serve
their sovereign in the west?

My gracious sovereign,
now in Devonshire,

as I by my friends
are well advertised,

Sir Edward Courtney
and the haughty prelate,

Bishop of Exeter,
his elder brother,

with many more confederates,
are in view.

[mutters]

In Kent, my liege,
the Gilfords are in arms,

and every hour, more competitors
flock to the rebels...

My Lord, the army
of great Buckingham.

The army
of great Buckingham.

...strong.

My Lord, the army of great...

Out on you, owls!
Nothing but songs of death?

Oof! Fuck.

There takes thou that
till thou bring better news.

[whispers]Fuck.

[scattered applause]

Don't you ever fucking
upstage me again.

My fucking badge fell off.Ungrateful bastard.

I don't know why
I break my bleedin' back
every night here.

None of these stupid knackers
understand any of it, anyway.

I barely understand it.Be all over soon.

Jesus, put me out of
my fucking misery.

I know, Arthur,
but the point is,
it's not worth it

for 220 fucking Euros a week
to debase myself like this.

There must be something
on the horizon.

Really?

If there's a sign of anything,
Arthur, get on to me, will you?

I'm bollixed with the rent.
I'm out on my ass.

What about those
sausage bastards?

No? Oh. They didn't know
what they wanted, anyway.

All right, Arthur. Bye.

I've got to get myself
a new agent.

Someone who can get me
a big film.

Look at this.

This is how an actor
should be treated.

Tubbetstown Castle.

Ten grand a night
and the whole fucking place
to yourself.

That's my dream.
I'm not fucking around.

One must never give up hope.

Am I too old?

For what?

Hamlet.

To play Hamlet himself?

Yes.

Yes, Tony, you are too old.

I always
wanted to play Hamlet,
but with just the vowels.

Now, why wouldn't anyone
have gone with me on that, Tom?

Each character
vocally crippled.

Oo ee,

oo o uh ee,

a i e e-io.

Confidence
is all about character.

Being comfortable in it,
losing yourself.

You need the character.
What is it?

I'm a pallbearer
and a messenger.

Oh, I need characters,
not messengers.

I need a message.

A message, yes.
You are a character
with a message for me.

Now, who is he? Who is this
character with a message?

Is he in love?
Did he sleep well last night?

He...Yes?

...could have a bad...Yes?

...stammer.

No, because you'd stop
my flow, my rhythm.

You'd stop my juice.

He could, though, just before
he says the line, right,

inadvertently,
because of nerves,

make this weird
kind of honking sound.

You're being foolish.

I'm just no good.

[man]I'll give you
a fiver.

A fiver?
Have you lost your reason,
Maurice? This is preposterous.

Take it or leave it.

I'll take it.

Who got you this job?

You did.

And would I have moved
mountains to get it for you
if you were no good?

I don't know.
You like having me around
to help you with your lines,

take off your hump,
rub your shoulder,
which I don't love, actually.

You see,
I've seen something.

Where?

In you. And I have
a proposition.

What is it?

Finish your drink,
and we'll go somewhere
a little more private.

You're not gay or anything
like that, are you?
'Cause I'm not like that.

Oh, no, I can assure you.
Anyway, it's irrelevant.

[Tony]You haven't been here,
have you? [Tom]No.

I moved in
in my glorious past.

Voice-overs, American TV.

It's falling apart now.

Can't afford the rent.

I'm being kicked out.

Got to find an apartment,
a little flat.

Bed-sit or something.

So what's this proposition?

Well, it's
a little complex.

I think you'll agree
that acting isn't real.

Yeah.

That's because
nothing is at stake,

and we're just pretending
that it is.

Well, now, supposing
something was at stake,

really at stake,
like life or death or money.

That's real life.

Well, my proposition is
to blur the difference.

I'm not with you.

Well, for many weeks now,

I've been frequenting
this very, very rough
pub in the docks.

What? With, like,
sailors or...?Oh, no. No.

No, I've been seeking out
bad company for research,
you know.

To play Richard, I needed
to meet some villains.

Villains?The real thing,
to help my performance.

Cutting-edge lowlifes.
You know, the godforsaken.

What? Like gangsters or...?

Well, men who operate
outside the law.

And you talk to them?Well, one in particular.

I think you should
watch yourself, Tony.

Well, this brings me
to the proposition.

It's to do with this guy?I need you to hear me out.

For entertainment value,
I'll listen.

Maybe you'll sing
a different tune.

From what I can make out,
there's a certain party

is owed money
by another certain party,

and neither of them
have ever met.

Right. So a certain party
owes somebody money.

Yes, and they
have never met.

Now, supposing someone,
sitting not a million miles
from my good self,

were to pretend
he was the party
to whom the money was owed.

If he could carry it off,
he could collect the money.

If you're serious,
you've lost it.
I mean, you're gone.

Au contraire,
my gallant compadre.

You are just the man to do it,
the man to do the acting.

Acting? I can't act.
I'm shit.Exactly.

This exercise is exactly
what you need for training,

because there's
something at stake.

You've got to formulate
every aspect of your character.

You must never, ever
let your facade drop.

If you manage this,

you will never look back.

And you and I,
we will share the proceeds

and be very happy men.

Let's talk details.No, Tony.

I don't want to hear any more.
It's late. And you're a nutbag.

Tell me you'll think about it.No.

Tubbetstown Castle awaits
for men of means.

You're ridiculous.Sleep on it.

Come, sleep, the balm of woe,
the certain knot of peace.

Good night, Tony!

The poor man's fortune,

the prisoner's release.

A certain party owed money
by another certain party,

neither party
ever having met.

Oh, fuck!

[sirens wailing]

Hold on, hold on.
Where you going, son?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it.

Your house?Yes.

Brannigan.

Is this your tea?Oh, McCullagh's. My God.

You left the gas on, sir.

Is there someone
you can phone?

I'll call me sister.

Want a chip?No, no, no.
You're all right.

Listen, Rita,
my house is on fire.

[man]Rita, who is it?

Who's that?Clive. He's English.
Don't start.

The hedgehog's
going back in his shell.

[laughs]

[Clive through wall]
Hello, darling.

What? What? Did I...?

Did I say something?
I was asleep.

[Cockney accent] Hello, darling. Hello.

You all right?
You look lovely.

Do you want a pear?

This bloody thing looks great,
but it's very fernickety.

Mary, eat your breakfast.
I'm gonna be late.

Clive, this is
my brother Tommy.Hello, mate. How you doing?

I'm OK.Yeah, I know.

Still, though, eh?

Thanks.

Rita tells me you act. [Mary]Great actor.

He's the black sheep.He's my favorite.

Favorite?
Favorite what?

He's my favorite love,
my favorite person.

They're always in cahoots.I'm in sales, chum.
Imports and sales.

How's business?

I'll tell you
the truth.

Things are always slow
this time of year.

You've got to chase them
for every single farthing,
every groat they owe you.

They'll all disappear
into the woodwork.
Like flies, Tom. Like bees.

Yeah?OK.

[Rita]Mary, come on.
You're gonna make me late.Tommy can bring me.

Yeah. Like flies.
Bees. Oh, dear.

A certain party owed money
by another certain party,

and neither party's
ever met each other.

It's a tantalizing
proposition,
Uncle Tommy.

Potentially
very lucrative.

And if someone were to,
you know...

Pass themselves off

as the party
to whom the money's owed.

Someone with great skill.
An actor, perhaps?

Perhaps an actor
whose house burned down.

Actors need characters, Mary.
Precisely my weak point,
you know?

[bell dings]

I think you could do it.
I think you could do
anything you wanted.

No, Mary.

If you don't believe
in yourself,

you'll never convince anyone
that you're not you.

What?

Tommy, trust me.Mary, you're nine.

Why are you telling me
about it?

Because... Because
you're weird and clever
and you know too much.

It's like you were born
a grown-up person.I was born ancient.

Don't say that.
Don't say things like that.

It's really creepy, you know?
I mean, really.

Where are you going?I have to get you ready.

You have to go to school.I don't need it.

Mary, I can't...Let's just try.

I can't act.
Mary. Mary. Mary.

Come on, eejit-head.
I can't reach.

Yeah, and Clive
won't miss his clothes.

Clive is very,
very thick, Tom.

But that's, like,
really thick.

He is. He's really,
really thick.

OK. But we're
just playing, OK?

Two words. A bit much.

One word. Not enough.

More rings.

Any more rings,
and my fingers'll fall off.

No, they won't. Come on.

Are we married now?

Tom, you don't embarrass me.
You embarrass yourself.

Mary, I can't actually...
What's the word?

I can't actually see,
you know, with my eyes.

Vis-à-vis the world
and everything.

Tommy, anyone
wearing those glasses
is for real.

Although you look much nicer.
No, really, much nicer.
Almost like a person.

OK, come over here
and sit down.

Aah!

[Cockney accent] Hey, careful. Careful. Hello.

Would you like a drink?A drink would be smashing.

Well, I'm not your servant.Oh.

Would you like a cigarette?
Please, help yourself.

You can't trust your eyes.Well, what can I trust?

Use the force.What force?

The force of habit.

You don't need to look.

Aah!

Aah!

You'll be fine.
I know it's going to work.

Really.

Really.

[sparse applause]

Thank you. Thank you.
No, please. Thank you.

My colleagues.

The main pleasure
of this play, I conclude,

is the embodiment
of pure, unmotivated evil.

I soar through the text
as one might peruse
the racing form.

This... This certain party

that doesn't know
the other certain party.

I'll do it.

My boy.

Do you know the Baltic Bar?Oh, good night.

Our certain party
holds court there
every night.

That place is bedlam.

They know me. I tend to be
with the certain party.

Who is?Barreller.

Barreller what?

I only know him
as Barreller.

[bar commotion/yelling]

Keep your hands off me.

[phone rings]

[man] Baltic. [Cockney accent]
Barreller, please.

[man]Boss, you're wanted
on the phone.

I represent
a certain party.

Absolutely. You're here
to do a job.

My name is Clive.

If that makes you
feel comfortable.

♪ And his dark hair

♪ Always he has dark eyes

So. A little threat
behind a little veil?Nothing specific.

The party I represent
will be most displeased...

Don't want things
to become unpleasant.

However...Absolutely.

Barreller!

Mr. Barreller, I'll
come straight to the point.
I represent a certain party.

Oh, yeah? To whom you owe
a certain amount of money.

Are you from
over the water?

As it happens, I've just arrived
in your fair city.

For your money?The very thing.

Well, I wasn't expecting you.
I was gonna send it over.

I saved you the bother.

That's a lot of money.
I'm gonna need
a couple of days.

I'm leaving tomorrow. Now look here,
Mister...

Clive. Call me Clive. Clive, I think you're
being unreasonable.

And I believe
a debt is a debt.

The party I represent
will be satisfied

with nothing less than payment in full.

While I'm a reasonable man,

the party I represent
is, I'm afraid, vice versa.

No need for this
to get messy.

I quite agree. Tomorrow.
The Shelbourne. 5:00.

I can't...

Textbook.

Fuck it.

[♪ piano]

Oof!

Never again.

You are very late.
I was beginning to worry.

We were just sitting down
to our tea.

No milk.

Right bastard.

These are me sons
Lesley and Ronnie.

All right?
Clive. How you doing?Ronnie.

And me daughter Dolores.How are you?

Charmed, I'm sure.
How are you?

Fine.

Good. Nice to meet you.

Eh, it was a nightmare
raising this.

Well, what you gotta
realize is my client -
Thank you, dear -

appreciates all efforts
in extremis.

He will be deeply impressed.Don't open that here.

Relax. I'm just having
a little... [yelps]

It's all there. 50 thou.Yeah, it is. It's all there.

It's... All of it is there.
Yes, it is.

I counted it.

Oh!

Oh! It's all there, innit?

You... Aren't you
a treasure? Ha-ha.

My client will be pleased.We're clear now,
are we?

You are free as a bird,
Mr. Barreller, until you next
decide to do business with us.

Oh, no. There won't
be a next time.

No, from now on,
I'm totally legit.

Are you saying my client's
not legitimate?No, no.

I want to leave
something stable
for the boys.

Something aboveboard.
Neither of them
are brilliant.

Lesley here, he's not
all there, you know.
Are you, Lesley?

No, I'm not. No.

Yeah, and Ronnie's deaf
in one ear. Watch.

Ronnie.

Yeah, how unfortunate.
You are in the whole...

I'm fine.

She's trying to get
into the acting.

Oh, really?

We know an actor,
comes in the Baltic -
Anthony O'Malley.

He's gonna help me
get training.

Get training, me arse.
Get pregnant, more like.

Is he, now?Do you know him?

No. Never heard of him.Oh, what's this?

Ah, yes. A drink,
I thought, to no hard feelings.
Flaming sambucas.

You might want to
blow it out first, Lesley.

OK.

Well, this was very easy.

No, I don't
like that, no. [Barreller]Jesus...

[Tom]Give it a puff.I don't think that...

[strained]
That's really nice.

Have mine. I'll take you
for a real drink.

I'll buy you a pint
in the Baltic.
I have shares in it.

Meet some real Dubs.
Not like all this bollocks.

I would love to. I really would.
I'd love to, but I got a plane.
I got a bloody plane.

Come on, Clive.
Ten minutes.I got to get it.

Come on. [Dolores]Why don't you
just come for one?

I'd really like to. I...
I would really like to.

I really, really would,
but I got to...

You might enjoy it.Yeah, I know. Let's go.

Ah, fuck this. Gonna have to
break the law here, Clive.

[siren wails]

Technically,
this is not actually
an ambulance.

How's business, then,
in general, Clive?

I've got to be honest.
It's slow this time of year.
It always is.

You've got to chase
every single farthing,
every groat they owe you.

They all disappear
into the woodwork.
Like flies. Like bees.

I wasn't disappearing
anywhere, Clive.

I know, but I got to
follow orders, ain't I?

Plus, I get to have
a little trip to Dublin.

What do you mean,
"People disappear like bees"?

I...

don't know.

That's an East End
expression, is it?

Yeah, that's it.
Exactly. Exactly.

[Barreller]What's he like,
then, Mr. Magnani?

Who?

Your boss.
What's he like?

Oh, Mr. Magnanani.

Mr. Magnani.
I've never met him.

Well, Mr. Magnanani...

Yeah.

What's anyone like,
Barreller?

What are you like?
What are you like?

It's an impossible
question.

I can't tell you
what the man's like,
but I will.

He's, um, now
in his autumn years.

He sort of
leaves the day-to-day
running of his empire

to his trusted associates,
you know?

He surrounds himself
with all grandchildren.

He's got his rose garden.
He tends that with
his beautiful young wife.

His young wife
has grandchildren?

No. No! Don't be a nelly.
'Course not.

He married again, didn't he?
He got married again.

After his first wife -
She was, she was, she was,
she was, she was, uh,

she was tragically sucked out
the window of a DC-10.

Can I get another drink?

Out of a plane?What?

Yeah. Bugger, innit?
A man of many private sorrows.

You can see it. It's all
sort of etched in his face.

He looks like
a really old wallet.

That is the key to the man.
It's what he's all about.

And very few people
realize this, see it,

actually see it in the man.
In the man. You know?

Imagine it, right. There
he is, watching the apples
fall from the trees...

Do you mean the roses?Well, yeah.

But there's
an orchard an' all.
He's got the lot.

It sounds quite a place.
Thanks, Dickie. Cheers.Thank you.

That's what
I'd like, too, Clive.

That's why I'm now
completely legitimate,

with an office, you know,
a pencil sharpener.

Biscuits, bread bin, lino.

Something to hand on,
you know?

I suppose, Clive,
I'm a bit like Mr. Mag...
Mag... Magni...

Mr. Magniani in that regard -

You know, family.

Family. Fucking family.

People... People don't fucking
talk about this anymore,

but what... If you
ain't got family,

if you ain't got it,
what have you got?

What have you actually got?That's it.

You got fuck all

and a one-way ticket
to fucking yesterday,
mate. It's nothing.

That Guinness
has hit you a little bit,
has it, Clive?

Not being Irish,
you know, and I'm not,

I don't really have a head
for strong drink.

Why don't you
give us a song? [Barreller]Give us a song.

Oh, no. No, you don't.Come on.

I never sing.

Not me, babe, you know.
I never do it. Never.

♪ Although I know
I've only met you

♪ Something tells me
that I won't forget you

♪ It's like you're sent
from heaven above

♪ Feels so right

♪ It must be love

♪ I turn my back
on slow romance

♪ Following a merry dance

♪ Could this be love?

♪ Could this be love?

♪ Could this be love?

♪ Could this be love?

What time is it?It's early. It's only
quarter past nine.

Oh, the play.What?

The plane. I'm really sorry,
Dolores. I've got to go.

Get a later one.

Can I drive you
to the airport, Clive?

Uh, no. No. No, thanks.
I'll get a cab.Clive, wait.

Here.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

All right.

I'll see you. Bye-bye.See you.

Hey, taxi! Hey!

[groans]

Cue 106. Go.

Where is the power, then,
to beat him back?

Where are thy tenants
and thy followers?

Douglas!

Did you go on that cue 106? [man]Yeah, that's 106.

It looked different.

Douglas, it's me.
Open up. It's me.

Quiet, man. For goodness sake,
there's a show on.

It's me. Will you put
your other glasses on?
Douglas!

Mrs. O'Browning...Shh, there's a show on.

I know. I'm in it.I beg your pardon?

Where do you think
you're going?

This is a fake moustache.

Shh.

It's stuck.Calm down.

It's me!

Look, look, look.

[mumbles]

Are they on
the western shore?

Still not here.
Where the fuck is he?

[grunts]

My Lord, the army
of great Buckingham.
The arm -

I'll have to give his line
to somebody else.Buckingham...

No, my good Lord,
my friends are in the north.

[Tony]Where is thy power,
then, to beat him back?

John.Where be thy villagers...?

My Lord, the army...

Cold friends to me.
What do they in the north
when they should serve...

...in the, uh, west?

My gracious sovereign,
now in Devonshire,

as I by my friends
are well advertised,

Sir Edward Courtney
and the Bishop of Exeter,

the haughty prelate,
his other brother,

with many more confederates,
are in view.

I'm falling! [everyone gasps]

Fuck.

OK, curtain.

My Lord, the army
of great Buckingham...

I don't fucking
believe it. I wouldn't,
but if I wanted to,

I could
go and stay right now
in Tubbetstown Castle.

Ten grand a night,
and a castle all to myself.

I wouldn't. That's
obviously insane,

but I could
if I were insane enough.

I knew you could do it.
I always said you could do it.

I just didn't
fucking believe it.

See, Anthony?
You see, acting?Yes.

Acting - it's a craft.
It's not a trade.And what does that mean?

It means you have to live it.

You're going to gloat.
I knew you would be
fucking unbearable.

I'm not gloating.
I feel awful.

They didn't strike me
as dangerous criminals
in the least. They were decent.

Well, they're not.

Barreller has told me
stories that would
make your skin crawl.

Mm. So tell me
about you and her.

Me and Dolores?Yeah. You're gonna
get her trained, yeah?

Well,
I... You know, she's young.
I try to help the younger -

Oh, Tony, bollocks!

All right. She's gorgeous,
and I fancy her.

What do you want me to say?
Are you trying to embarrass me?

I think she liked Clive.

Who's Clive?

My character.

Oh, well. She's never going
to see him again, is she?

[knocking]

Quick. Give me
a drink of water.

First of all, I don't know
what possessed me.

It must have been
an actor's curiosity,
I suppose,

but I slipped down
to the Baltic Bar
last night,

just to check on how
effective you'd been

and what Dolores
thought of you

and all that
bollocks about returning
to the scene of the crime.

Tony, you fool.
What happened?

Look, Barreller...
our certain party...

A certain party owes money
to the other certain party,

neither party
having ever met.

She knows.She knows?
What does she know?

I know everything.
And you should give me
some of the money as well.

She helped me
with the character.

Who else
fucking helped you?

Watch your language,
mister.

No one. No one.
She just directed me.

Are... Are you
entirely off your head?

I know. It's weird.
Now what happened?

Barreller wasn't there.
Dolores was.

I knew by her. If you
knew her like I do,

you'd know that
something was amiss.

They know
they've been done?

Someone rang from Magnani,
someone real, to arrange
about getting the money.

The shit hit the fan?Obviously.

Barreller insisted he'd
just given their man Clive
the full payment.

And then the Magnani people
threw a freaker.

And, Tom, they're
sending someone over.

Fuck. Poor Barreller.

Fuck Barreller.
What about me?

Hey.Oh, fuck off.

What about you?Dolores starts on me.

She said did her dad tell me
anything about the deal?

Because sometimes
he has a loose tongue.

Yeah, and, "Did you blab
to anyone," and so on.I didn't let on.

I was brilliant.
I'm sure she bought it.

Jesus, this could be
a fucking hit man.

I mean, I could get
tortured or anything.

Calm down.
You're acting
like a baby.

Sometimes
you're entitled. OK?

This is heavy. I can
hardly breathe here. OK?

Relax the kaks. When's
this hit man coming?

Today. He's flying in
at noon. He's going straight
to the Baltic Bar.

There's only
one thing for it.What?

Mary, what?

Oh, good fuck.

Hey, baby!
Oh, it's so good
to see you!

[Scottish accent] Barreller?

That's the name. Name of me.
Are you from Magnanery?

I wasn't expecting
to be picked up.

It's the least I could do,
given the unfortunate
circumstances.

And I'm going to buy you
some lunch. Come on.

Fucking right
it's the least you could do.Here.

Don't fucking start, OK?
I'm not in the mood.

I don't care
what fucking mood
you're in.

You've got a lot
of explaining to do.

Don't. Just fucking relax,
would you?

What is your pr...
Where are you off to now, pal?

Come on. I have a table
booked in the Harbour.

I'm not going to
airbrush the situation
here, Barreller.

The lads in London have gone
fucking bananas about this.

I've never seen 'em this mad.
They want this fucker killed.

Well, I do as well.
You know, yeah.
Magnani's upset, OK?

But we can't all spend
all the time

rolling around in the past
and who's responsible for what.

It gets tedious.

Well, the world would be
a much nicer place

if we all took your advice,
I'm sure,

but Magnani's having
a conniption. I've never
seen her this bad.

What's that supposed to mean,
"I've never seen her this bad"?

I mean, I've never
seen her want a man
tortured this bad.

I didn't know
this Magnani bloke
was a woman.

Yeah. A lot of people
make that mistake.

It's a sexist thing.
Don't stereotype her,
Barreller.

Dangerous mistake.I get stereotyped.

Sometimes, you know, I just
get this, a kind of a mist.

It just comes down on me,
you know?

I'm very much a man of me fists,
you know? I think with them.

Anyway,
who ripped us off?

I don't know. Nice bloke.
English guy. Clive. Very nice.

Clive?That's all I know.

Would you recognize him
again?

Do you know,
I think I would.
I fucking would.

Very handsome fella.
Big glasses on him.

I just assumed
he was your man.You just assumed?

Because somebody told you
they're somebody, you just
assume that's who they are?

I must say, I find that
idiotic, Barreller.

Hey, easy on the casual insults
floating around there, pal.

I'm buying you lunch
and everything.

Don't start in with
the "mean Scottish" bollocks.
That makes me very intolerant.

You take it easy, right?

It's one thing
me calling you an imbecile

because you gave our money
to some bloke just because
he has glasses on,

but you're getting into
a whole racist area,

which is fucked-up,
frankly.

You're great on the old,
"That's sexist. That's racist."

What are you, the fucking army
or somebody?

Nobody tells me what to do.

You have obviously
failed to grasp
what's happening here.

Most people
in your position

would tend to be slightly
a bit more contrite.

What are you
attacking me for?

Because it was obviously
someone from your side
who ripped us off.

What?Everything all right?

You fuck off. This is
a business lunch here, OK?

Sorry. Excuse me.Get out of it.

Where did you get it
that it was somebody
from our side that -

No one here knew anything
about it.

What about this actor
you were helping?

What the fuck is that about?He wouldn't know.

All he knew was
I owed money to somebody.
Everybody owes to someone.

Anyway, he's a moron.
And the fucker can't act.

Where is he now?

Here.

What's this?

It's Clive's. He forgot it
when he fucked off.

What's in it?

Clues, Jock. Clues.

What clues?I don't know. It's locked.

So how do you know
it's got clues in it?

I presume it has, man!
Jesus!

Jesus... for fuck's sa...

Show a bit of initiative.

Where's the Aran Islands?

That's where he's gone.
Very clever bloke.

Over there. West. Very good
place to hide. Brilliant.

Well, do you think
we should go there?

I'm not fucking going.
It's your money.

I don't believe this.

You lost it.
You can recognize him.

It's not big, like.
You'll find him.Incredible.

You're in a very bad place,
do you know that?

Relax. Stop talking
about work all the time.

Fuck.

How tall
is this Clive fella?

He's, uh...
He's about my height.

This is the only way
to get there?

Yeah, Jock, the only way
to get to an island
is over the sea.

If I don't find him,
I'm coming straight back.

You still owe Magnani
50 thousand.

Yeah, yeah.
Stop moaning.

Moaning?It's an annoying
and fatiguing characteristic.

Well, coming from someone
as balanced as you, pal,

I'll have to take that
on board.Good man.

I get seasick.

Toodle-oo.
Good luck, now.

Jesus Christ,
what's that fucking smell?

Oh... Oh, I think
I'm gonna be sick.

[ship's horn blows]

Are you all right?

I just feel
completely weird.I don't doubt it.

But that was mad weird,
you know? It was like
I was having memories.

You became Barreller.

Well, no. Made-up memories
of a made-up Barreller.

Very thick and violent
kind of Barreller.

No doubt an aspect
of yourself.

What, that I'm thick
and violent?

No. That you have an aspect.

An aspect that's both
thick and violent?

In order to be convincing.

So you're talking to somebody
about me, and you'd say,

"Tom, yeah, he's lovely,
but there is this side to him
that's thick and violent"?

No. You're overreacting
to what is, at root,

a compliment.

You generally just praising
my violent, aggressive nature?

That you found it.

You're full of shite, Tony.
Do you know that?Within yourself.

Just admit one thing.What?

That I was right.That you were right?

You're learning from this.That's true.
Fucking learning...

And we are sad men,

standing and awaiting advice
from a nine-year-old girl.

Well, we're big enough
to accept that.

And from that,
we take faint comfort.

It's all we're ever
gonna get.

And now we must desist
before we wallow in self-pity.

Good.We have to kill Clive.

You see, this
Aran Islands plan

is only of any use
in the short-term.

He'll come back.It was an emergency.
What the hell?

He's going to come back,
and he's still going to
want his money.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.Exactly.

So the medium-term solution
is to kill Clive, the character,

and present Magnani with
the problem that the money
may be irrevocably lost,

along with Clive,
and hope they give up.

But if Magnani holds
Barreller responsible,

Clive's dead, the money's gone,
but it's Barreller's fault.

That's a long-term plan here.

The beauty is,
Barreller and Magnani
have never met.

They must never meet.

'Cause once
Magnani knows who you are,
things could turn unpleasant.

Which I would like to avoid,
if at all possible. Ha-ha-ha.

That's the idea,
and only a moron
would need to state it.

What were we thinking?I have continuously
cut you slack, young lady,

and I am not beyond
having you disciplined.Here.

What is this plan?

It's the super-longest-term
copperfasten plan.

Which is?

To invent a time machine,
go back in time,

and never put this whole scheme
into operation.

The chances of that
would be...?

To put it scientifically,
not brilliant.

But the first thing we can try
is killing Clive off.

Kill my character?Yes.

Who's gonna do that?You will.

How?

You have to present yourself
to Barreller again.

As Clive.No.

I'll go as me.No.

Who, then?

[Barreller]Can I get you
anything, Jock?

[Scottish accent] Well, I am gonna need
more popcorn, Barreller.

Oh, yeah.
That's easy, then.

Lesley, get the popcorn,
will you?

I need to keep
eating popcorn.

It helps me convince myself
I'm in the pictures

so I don't have to deal with
the incredible brutality

I have to inflict on people,
you know, every day.

Just kinda makes it
seem quite not so real,
you know?

I'm afraid I'm very much
out of my depth here.

Well, just do your best, OK?

I don't say thanks,
big man, OK? It's just
something I don't do.

OK.

Don't want to lose
my edge, you know?OK.

So. So who knew?

Who knew about your deal
with Magnani?

Me and me daughter Dolores

and me two sons
Ronnie and Lesley.

Lesley's not even all there,
you know, or anything.

Lesley, you probably
don't even know

who Mr. Magna... Magnanin...
Magnanooni is, do you?

No.

And Ronnie's deaf
in one ear. Ronnie.

Ronnie!

Brilliant. That's it?
Like, no one else?

Well...

What's that? What's that
wee sneaky look about?
What's that?

Oh, that's...
That's impossible.

There was this actor.
I was helping him
with stories.

He was an actor
researching villains.

Lot of lowlifes in here,
lot of actors in here -
horrible, dirty, no money.

He thought Dad was more
of a serious criminal
than he really is.

How serious are you?I'm completely
legitimate now.

I have shares in this place,
got an office,

electric kettle, biscuits,
all... all that.

I mean, now,
I may have talked meself up
a little bit to this fella.

To this actor guy?Yeah.

What did you specifically
tell him about Magnani?

It's just that
in the shady world

of outside
the normal procedures

of everything
in everyday life,

it's possible
for a certain party

to owe money
to another certain party

without them
having ever met.

And did you happen
to casually fucking mention -

in your little tête-à-tête
at the bar

entertaining
your fucking actor pal -

did you happen
by any chance to mention

that you
might be such a certain party
in a similar scheme of things?

Yes, I did.

So he could very plausibly then,
go and tell somebody -

maybe an actor,

maybe an actor with abilities
bordering on genius -

who decides to come around,
fool you and take the money!

I don't know. I'm very sorry.
I'd pay you the money back
if I could.

Oh, you're sorry? Oh, good.
Oh, that's all right, then.

Do you want some popcorn?

I'm having
a fucking heart attack.

I'm having a fucking aneurysm
in your bar!

I'm gonna have to talk
to this actor guy.

Uh, maybe...What?

Maybe I should
talk to him.

I'm not with you,
darlin'.

He's harmless.

He's a puff.
His name's O'Malley.

I'm not saying
you're scary,

but if he was
to become scared

and go to the police...You want
the gentle approach?

He mightn't
have told anyone
intentionally.

Well, OK, fine. Fine.
Maybe you've got a point.

However, if you
don't get results...

All this popcorn,
it's beginning to rot my face.

Gonna have to change my snack.
In the daytime, anyway.

OK.

[Tony]If I did
take the kingdom
from your sons,

to make amends,
I will give it
to your daughter.

If I have kill'd
the issue of your womb,

to quicken your increase,

I will beget my issue
upon your daughter.

[all gasp]

Look, what has been done
cannot be now amended.

[Tom]Can we please
just give the money back?

After all
we've been through?

I don't care.You may be
a sniveling little cur,

but at the moment,
that money is my only comfort.

My colleagues.
My colleaugues.

The thing is,
I like Barreller
and Dolores,

and we're putting them
through agony.

I will converse
with iron-witted fools.

He's not even a real crook.
We shouldn't be stealing
from the guy.

We are not stealing from him.
We are robbing Magnani.

Who could be one of
the biggest headcases
in Europe.

Look, let's just stick
to Mary's plan.

I tell Dolores
how to contact Clive.

You play Clive.
We fake Clive's death.
Dolores tells Barreller.

Barreller tells Magnani,
"We've found Clive,

and he's spent all the money,
but he's dead."

What?It's that... simple.

What?!Don't back out now.

I can't do this.

We're so close.I can't, Tony.
It's bollocks.

Shit. You're on.What? I haven't rehearsed.

Who is Clive supposed to be?

I don't know.
I can't be here.
Improvise.

I never improvise.Try it. It's fun!

Dolores,
what a pleasant surprise.

[screaming] I'm very sorry.

And what can I do
for you, my love?

How are the drama classes?

Ow.

[Dolores]I know
we spoke about this

and you say
you don't remember anything,

but the thing is,
is that Dad thinks

he might have said something
to you about this money,

and that you might have said
something to somebody.

No.

No.

No.

Yes?Clive.

Yes, Clive. Tell me.No, but he wouldn't...

Who is he?He's my, uh,
he's my cousin, Dolores.

He came here
a little while ago,

down on his luck,
you understand.

I mentioned
that I was research...

Oh, I... Oh, I'm so sorry.

Mr. O'Malley, if you can
just tell me where he is,
if I can talk to him.

We might be able to help him.

You want to help him?

I only met him
briefly, but...Yes?

I don't think that he...Yes?

I mean, I feel that...

Yes?That he'd listen to me.

You want to help him
after all the things
he's done...

to... both of us?

What the fuck are you saying,
you stupid twonk?

I don't want to see
anyone getting hurt.
Where can I find him?

He wanted to go.
He said he wanted to go away.

He owed some money,

and he needed to lie low
for a while.

Where is he?

He's...

He's... He's in...Yes?

...Tubbetstown Castle.

Fuck. Fuck.

You stupid bollix.

You know how much
that place costs.

Do you think
this isn't hard enough?

You told me to improvise.
I told you I can't improvise.

I told you
to improvise, Tony.

I didn't tell you
to go completely off
the fucking biff.

Tom, Tom,
Tubbetstown Castle...Yeah?

...felt right.Oh, you're an awful
fucking eejit, Tony.

Did you enjoy the show,
ladies?Yes.

What are you doing
wearing school uniforms?

Surely you're all too old
for school.

Especially you. [giggle]

Hey, you're nuts,
you know that?

This is so you can stay
in that place for one night.

Isn't that right?

Ignore him, ladies.

He has syphilis.

[girl]Did you hear that?

[Mary] Dear manager
of Tubbetstown,

we wish to hire your castle
for a night

on behalf of a famous actor
who needs their privacy
respected.

Therefore, we would ask
that your staff vacate
the premises

for the duration
of the visit.

[gunshots]

Effective, aren't they?

Now, the cue is,
"My balls swole up
like a couple of grapefruit."

I blow the explosives,
you're dead. OK?

"My balls swole up
like a couple of grapefruit,"

I blow the squibs.OK.

Is this working? [feedback]

What are you trying
to fucking do?

You're supposed
to be able to hear me.

How am I gonna
suddenly start talking
about my balls?

You are an actor.

You will work it
into the fabric of the scene.

I know you... Huh? [♪ lounge]

Into the fabric?
I work my balls
into the fabric?

Tom, focus.

[music stops]

Now be ready. I was covered
in these things on Excalibur,

and they hurt like fuck
when they go off.

Were there guns
in Excalibur? In our Excalibur,yes.

All right.

Hello.

How you been?

Uhh.

You were absolutely
entitled to do that.

What I did was wrong.

I just couldn't believe it.I know, I know.

You seemed so nice.Don't. I know.
I was vain or something.

I wanted to see
if I could do it.

Well, now you know.
I mean, where the fuck
are we going?

To the money.
I'm minding this castle

for some earls
and lords and that.

The Duke of Richard.
He's an old mate.

I have done this
before, you know.

It's all about
catching the tides.

You gotta wait
till the current likes you.

You know any songs?

I'm living here, ain't I?
Hiding from my creditors.

I've always taken
the easy way out.

Don't know what it is.
Shortcuts and that.

My dad was the same.
People can change, Clive.

You just need
to make the effort.

Yeah, well, I can't do it
by myself, can I?

I need someone else
to show me the way.

Then I wouldn't end up
in all these scrapes.

Can I ask you something?
Why you so angry with me?

Because... Because...
Because I'm a slave
to my emotions.

I don't know why
I expected you
to understand.

[Dolores]
So instead of admitting that
you've done something wrong,

you're telling me
that you're unlucky?

Yeah, exactly. I am...

Well, it's not all bad,
obviously. I met you.

If I hadn't,
maybe I still wouldn't care.
That's not bad, is it?

So what are you saying?Actually, what I'm...
what I'm saying is,

I wish I'd never gone through
with the whole thing.

This is the castle.Whoa.

What's going on? Eh?

Listen...

What?Was it just me?

What do you mean?I mean...

You know, that time when we met,
I thought that...

I suppose it was
just part of the act, really.

Look...

So where's the money?

It's upstairs. Come on.

Was what
part of the act?Nothing.

Why doesn't he say his cue?

"My balls swole as big
as grapefruit." Is that
so difficult to remember?

Listen, what do you mean?

Between you and me.Yeah.

What I felt when we sang.

Yeah.Was it part of the ruse?

No.Because...

Because if it was,
that's a horrible gift
that you have.

No, don't...To be able to cast
that kind of spell.

That night, I lay in bed
thinking about you
and would I see you again.

What an idiot.

No. Listen, I'm the idiot.

[♪ lounge]

Talk about your balls.
Why isn't he talking
about his bollocks?

He's in love, Mr. O'Malley.In love?

What about me?
I'll give him love.

No, wait!Come here.

Come here.

Stop!

I want to tell you.
I want to tell you
everything.

This is a pointless exercise,
young lady.

I am in peak condition.

But you've
got to be a bit patient,
'cause it sounds a bit... mad.

Go away!This is pointless.

I'm sort of not
who I seem to be.

Come here.

I have made
such a big mistake.

Go away!Come here.

[laughs]

I can't do this anymore.
You're all I ever think about.

Give me that.
Give me that.

I've been unbelievably stupid...

Give it to me.
Give it to me.

...and...

No.

Ha-ha!

Stop!

Ow!

[gunshots]

Give it to me.

Fucking hell, that was sore.

You're shot.No, you don't understand.

Clive, just stay there, OK?
Don't move, OK?

Uh, no, wait.Fuck! There's no signal
on my phone.

Don't move, OK?
I'm gonna come back.

Come back. Dolores.
Aw, bollocks.

Give it to me.No. Get away.

Hello, can you hear me?
Hello?

Hello.
Hello, can you hear me?

You twit.
What are you doing?

This is wrong.You're losing your mind.

You can't drop me in it, Tom.
I won't let you!

Hello. Is there
anyone there? Fuck!

[Tom and Tony yell]

Unbelievable. [music stops]

She's right.

Pull yourself
together, man.

♪ Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi

Aaah. Ooh...

[woman over PA]
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your final call.

Beginners, please.

What's the matter with you?

Clive's dead.
All our troubles are over.

You don't care,
not even a little bit,
how she must feel?

She's as tough as old boots,
that girl.

Anyway, she's always got
my shoulder to cry on.

You?Yes, I've known her longer
than you have.

So?I know how she feels.

How does she feel?She worships me.

Oh, she worships you.
Right. Yeah, of course.

Our troubles are over!

You fucking come back here, T...
Tony, come here!

Tony.

Fuck.

Now is the winter
of our discontent...

[♪ "Lovely Morning] When I got back,
he'd vanished.

His blood was everywhere,
but he'd gone.

I mean, I'm the one.

I must have led
his killers to him.

I am so sorry, Mr. O'Malley.
I feel fucking terrible.

I shouldn't
have let you go.

I mean, I was robbed
and left in the shitter,

but to be killed
like that.

If only I hadn't let slip
our conversation
about the money.

You weren't to know,
and I should have kept
me big mouth shut.

Clive and I weren't
too close, Dolores.

He had many qualities
about him,

which, to tell you the truth,
made him something of an insect.

[rings] Hello.

We all do stupid things.That's right. We all do.

[Ronnie]Dolores!

No, Barreller.
Not all of us.

I'm sorry to contradict you.

Not all of us.

Who's on the phone?Yeah.

I need a piss.

Hello? [Mary] Hello.

I'm ringing from
the serious-injury hospital.

There's a gentleman here
who's been asking for you.
He's been shot.

Clive? Yes, Clive.

Are you sure?
It can't be. I saw him.

He was shot about 20 times. [knocking on door]

We're closed.We've got the best surgeons
in the world.

There's nothing
we haven't seen. Of course.

He's still in
a very serious condition,

but a visit from you, I think,
would brighten up his spirits
considerably.

[banging on door] We're closed!

You're certain it's him?
That he's alive?

How many people
called Clive

do you think were shot
in Tubbetstown Castle

and have your number? Sorry.

Ronnie, see who it is,
tell them to fuck off.

Could I see him tomorrow?

What?The door!

I think he would like that
very much.

Fuckin' deaf eejit.

[banging] [dial tone]

Hey!No, wait!

Daddy! Daddy?

Come on. Come on! [Dolores]Jesus!

Take it easy.
He's not the full shilling.

The Aran Islands
is fucking freezing.

[whirring] Exactly how many Barrellers
are in your fuckin' outfit?

I'm Barreller.
I'm the only Barreller.Is this Barreller, is it? Huh?

Is this Barreller, is it?Take it easy.
He's got a bad ear.

I'll give him
two fucking bad ears.

[Barreller]Hey!

Ahh! Ooh. Fuck.

Dad, will you...
Fuck.

Aah! Ow! Oh, fuck.

Who are ya?
What do you want?Where's Magnani's money?

I gave it to Clive.Who is Clive?

The guy your fellas killed
in Tubbetstown.

Who was that Scottish bloke
who came here?I'm the Scottish bloke!

Then who the fuck is Jock?I'm Jock!

Do you like popcorn?
Do you eat popcorn?

For the last time,
have you got Magnani's money?

I gave it to Clive.There isn't any Clive!

Dolores,
tell this fucking eejit
what happened to Clive.

He was killed. Stone dead.

Great. That's it.
Let me up, please.

Don't...
Don't you try it.

Don't you fucking
try nothing.

You'll get that.

Don't try anything.

I don't know what kind
of fucking pantomime
you're running here,

but you have brought it
on yourselves.

Magnani's coming over.

Let him come!

Her!Who's her?

Magnani. She's a woman.
For fuck's sake.

Well, let her come.Daddy.

Ohh...What can I do?
Clive is dead!

What the fuck can I do?

Huh?Daddy.

Let her come.
What can I do?

♪ Oh, what a lovely morning...

[door opens]

[coin clatters]

[door opens]

♪ Oh, what a lovely morning

♪ Oh, what a lovely morning

♪ Oh, what a lovely morning

♪ Oh, what a...

Follow that taxi.

♪ Oh, what a lovely morning

I was just really lucky,
I suppose,

that most of the bullets
hit me in the arse.

Then why is all the plaster
around your chest?

Um, well, a lot...
a lot of the bullets,

they went up my arse
into the chestular area.

My God.

Doctors have never seen
anything like it.
It's great to see you.

I'm glad you survived,
but do you have the money?

If I had it,
I'd give it to you, I swear,

but my would-be assassins,
whoever they may be,
got their hands on it.

I want to make it up
to you, I do.

I'm gonna work
every hour God sends me

until you have it back,
I promise.

But I wanted to see you,
you know.

Not because of that, but...

I want to see you...
You've got every reason
to reject me, but I...

I know. You don't
have to say anything.

I have feelings, too.

Yeah?But they're
for someone else.

Who?It's your cousin, Clive.

Anthony O'Malley. [coughing]

You all right?
You all right?

My arm!

Yeah, that's much better.
Brilliant.

Aah! Oh, dear.

Whoops-a-daisy.

Thank you.
You're very kind.

[coughs]

I never
want to see you again, Clive.
You've caused so much misery.

No, wait, Dolores!
Dolores, wait a minute.

Dolores, wait.
Wait a minute.
Listen to me.

All right,
my fucking bucko.

Dolores! Dolores!

The famous Clive.I'm not.
You've got the wrong guy.

Tell it to Magnani.
I always get my man.Help. Help. Help me.

I have to admit,
it was a nice touch

getting your accomplice
to imitate Barreller.Help me, please!

The Aran Islands?Doctor?

Nice.
But the fun's over, Clive.

Magnani arrives over tonight
for her money and for you.

And for Barreller
for being so fucking stupid
with his fucking big mouth.

And for that bird.
She told me you were dead.

She thought I was dead...Ah, save it
for the interrogation.

Barreller's office,
midnight.What?

I trust
you'll be joining us.Well, actually...

Here, just for my own curiosity,
who shot you?

A jealous lover, right?Ah, you're kidding me.

You're not worth a bullet.
I've other plans for you, pal.

Here, check this out. Huh?

What is...? Aah! Aah! Aah!

Ears! Ears! Fuck!

Oh, God.What the...? Fuck!

Fuck off. Fuck off.Hang on.
I've got you now.

Fuck off!I've got you now.

Fuck off!You're a dead man!
You're a dead man!

Ears. He's got ears.You'll never get away.
Here!

Run!Stop him. Here.

Stop him!

Aaah!

Aw, come on! Fuck.

Airport, arrivals.
Now. Move it. Move it.

Hang on! Hang on.
For God's sake.

Wait till I get in the car.

Mary, Magnani's coming. What, now?

Yes, now. OK, stay calm.

OK. I know. Get a dress. Do you hear me?

A dress?

Plots have I laid,
inductions dangerous...

Excuse me.

[grunts] Oh! Fuck!

Ladies and gentlemen...

What the fuck?

Bloody fiasco!

Are you out of your tiny mind?

This is theater.
This is Shakespeare.

Magnani's coming, OK?
So just give me the money.

You cannot stop a play.

...are both, are we not,
business people?

We are both, are we not,
business people?

A certain party
owes another party money,
neither party ever having met.

You know what happens
if they do meet?

One of them is gonna
come round here

and cut
your little mickey off,

and I'm this close
to not caring anymore.

Swallow your pride,
go next door
and borrow a dress.

Borrow a dress?A frock.
Get into a frock!

A frock?

Here, I'll take that.

Ooh! That's heavy.

Nearly.

We are both, are we not,
business people?

I have been reasonable,

but no one expects
to be tricked.

I am at a loss.

I am absolutely clueless.

[Tony, higher voice]
Mr. Barreller?

Barreller's just fine.

We have had a fine time,
haven't we?

I was fooled, Mrs. Magaloony.
I was tricked.

It's all right.

We've recovered the money,
and we have the culprit.

Clive?I have a very effective
Scottish friend.

But Clive is dead.He fools you very easily,
doesn't he?

But I don't like to be tricked.
We're bringing him here tonight.

I thought
you might like to watch.Watch what?

The fun.Ah, no.
I don't think I do.

Perhaps you might like
to retire somewhere.

[wheezing voice]Don't worry.
We'll clean up after.

You won't even know
we were here.

I... I think I'll just go
and wash me face. Excuse me.

Ooh!

Cheer up. It's over.

[normal voice]That was
pretty fucking good, Tony.Well, I, uh...

[normal voice]
What do you mean?I mean it was very good.

What are you saying?

What do you mean?Are you trying to say
that I'm a p...?

Because I am not.Oh, for fuck's sake.

Yeah, I think you're gay, OK?
I think you're degenerate.

You like big hairy men.It's all coming out now,
isn't it?

All the jealousy.
All the spite.They're here.

Go on. Go. Go.I am sorry to tell you
that you have just made

a very powerful enemy,
my boy.

[man]Jock, is this it?Are you seri...?

Are you fucking serious?!
You want to talk about this now?This is not the end of this.

We are so very, very far
from the end.

[imitates Tony]"We are
so very far from the end.

"We are so very, very far
from the end.

"So very far from the end."
[groans]

And who are you?

[higher voice]
I'm Mrs. O'Groany.

I represent Barreller.

You represent him?

I have your money.

Get in.

Good woman, yourself, Tony.

What a gentleman.

Thank you, Tony.

Mind your tights.

By golly.

[imitates Tony] "Very, very far from the end."

What kind of...?

Aah!

Fuck! Who's that?

What the fuck? Stop. Stop!
Who's there?

[English accent] I wouldn't move, if I were you.
Things might become heated.

Who are you?

You disappoint me.
And you were doing
so well, Mr. Quirk.

How do you know me?

There's little I don't know
or can't find out.

I'm Magnani.You can't be,
because Tony isn't...

Don't panic, my love.

Recognize these?
Please attach yourself
to the stairs.

Hurry, Mr. Quirk.
I don't have all day.

There.

You're shaking.I've never...

You're trembling.

I've never
been tortured before.

A-ah ah ah ah-ha!

Aiyah!I think you like it.

I think you wanted
to be caught, to be trapped,
to be made to suffer.

Well, here you are.

So, Mrs. O'Groany,
as a woman,

which do you think instills
more respect in a man -

the threat of violence

or the dim, distant prospect
of sexual intercourse?

Oh, I wouldn't know.

The, uh, sex.

Say, "I want you
to hurt me."

Oh, look, come on. Can we...? [whispers]
Mr. Quirk, say it.

A-ah a-ah a-ah... Ow!

I want you to hurt me.
I want you to hurt me, please.

I will.

Dolores.

[mouths]

Don't do that. Dolores,
please don't do that.
Don't!

[Magnani] What are you doing?He left it up here.

No!

[normal voice]
Relax. It's just water.

Yes, it's up here,
but it's caught.

You'll get your gloves
dirty.They're black anyway.

Ah, here it is.

How long have you known?

Oh, only, like,
since Tubbetstown.

You blew yourself up,
for God's sake.

Then telling me
you'd survived.

I know. That was a bit much.

Here we go.

No. Nothing else up here.

We may have incurred
some small expenses.

You know, you're
a fucking good actor.Am I?

Anyway,
I'm a thief, you know?

But we're giving the money back.
Tony's with Magnani right now.

I need to get out of these,
'cause I don't know how he is
or anything.

[Magnani]
Mrs. O'Groany.What?

Your hair is on fire.What?

I have to go
to the bathroom.

Wait a minute.
You're a bloke!How dare you?

He's a bloke!
Are you wearing a wire?

Who are you,
and what are you doing?

Perhaps he has this coming
to him.How can you say that?

You love the man.Are you
out of your fucking mind?

He's the biggest asshole
I ever met.

Let's let him suffer.
Let's see how you like it.

Look, you've got your money,
what you came for.

Why don't you
just take it and go?

Are you with the police?No. No.

Who are you?I am an actor.

What?

I know he's an asshole,
but he's a friend asshole.

Are you Barreller?

No. What does it matter?
It doesn't matter now.

No. You see, Mrs. O'Groany,
it does matter.

What are you doing?
You've got your money.

Let's not
do something stupid.You already have.

Aah!Fuck.

Just take them off for a while.
We'll go for a drink.No.

Now, who are you?

Get sandwiches.Shut up.

My name is Anthony O'Malley.

No? Well, I'm in a production
of Richard III.

I am Richard III,

and the man who robbed you,
he's in it with me.

His name is Thomas Quirk.

Please, I love you.

I didn't do anything.
It was his idea.
Look in my handbag.

Look. There's
a theater program there.

Go back.
No, further back.

Right back.
Right back. Right back.

That's him. See,
that's Thomas Quirk.

[sirens wailing
and horns honk]

Ohh...

Oh!Out the back.

Bastard.

Tony, are you OK? [knocking on door] Thomas.

Come on, open up.
It's Tom. Come on. Tony.

[Dolores]Mr. O'Malley,
are you in there? [doorbell rings]

Tony! Tony!

[woman over PA]
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your ten-minute call.

Enjoy the final performance.

[stage manager] Can I get some actors on stage,
perchance to dream?

Dream on.Dream on.

[man]Dream on.

What's the matter
with you?

Is it the money?

Well, I'm relieved.

No amount of money
is worth that kind
of hassle, Tony.

None.

Don't slouch. Here.

Hello. I'm Mary. I'm nine.

My uncle's in this play.
He's a very good man.

OK. I'm Dolores.
How are you?

Generally,
a bit disappointed, usually.

Let's sit together.

OK.

You're incredibly beautiful.
Did you know that?

Thanks.Don't be shy. It's true.

Wait till you see my uncle.
He's a terrific actor.

[woman over PA]
Five minutes to curtain...

Listen, um, I'm meeting her
for a drink later, OK?

I just thought
you should know.

I mean, I know you like her
and everything.

I don't know if it's
going to amount to anything,

but I wanted you to know.

She's going to be in
tonight.

I tell you, it's making me
nervous as fuck.

Row 24, E and F.

Dive...

Dive tho...

Dive, thoughts,
down into my soul -

here Clarence comes.

Brother, good day.

What means this armed guard
that waits upon your grace?

That's him.

[man]...hath appointed
this conduct

to convey me to the Tower.

Upon what cause?

Because my name
is George.Hi.

Alack, my lord,
that fault is none of yours.

He should, for that,
commit your godfathers.

O, belike his majesty
hath some intent

that you should be
new-christen'd in the Tower.

Whoa! [audience screams]

[shouts]

I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.

I'll come down.

Just give her some air. [people murmuring]

Stand by yourself?

[people]Ohh!

Fuck.

[theatrical laughter]

Ill news, by'r lady.
Seldom comes the better.

Neighbors, God speed!

Give you
good morrow, sir.

Doth the news hold
of good King Edward's
death?

[woman] Aye, sir, it is too true.
God help the while!

Then, masters, look to see
a troublous world.

No, no,
by God's good grace,
his son shall reign.

[both laugh]

I'm sorry. Line?"Woe to that land that's
govern'd by a child!"

Oh, yeah. Sorry.
What? What?

[Mary and Tony]
"Woe to that land that's
govern'd by a child!"

Woe to that...

What she said.

Show me that.

[theatrical laughter] It's him.

I am having the worst show
of my life.Me too.

A horse! A horse!

My kingdom for a horse!

Oh! Aah!

[sound of explosions,
gunshots, siren blaring]

[sounds fade]

[actor]Abate the edge
of traitors, gracious Lord,

that would reduce
these bloody days again

and make poor England
weep in streams of blood!

Now, civil wounds
are stopp'd...

[explosion] [man]Sorry.

...and peace lives again.

God say Amen. [cast]Amen.

Ohh!

Fucking hell.

Oh.

[Tom]Incredible!

The worst yet!

You'd think
I couldn't get any worse.
How could I get any worse?!

But unbelievably,
on the last night -

the last night -

I find lower depths.

Oh, fuck it!

[champagne cork pops
next door/laughter]

It must be all the...
It must be all the excitement.

Hey? Tony?

What do you think, hmm?

Tony, can I give you
a hand with that?

Tom?

Yeah?

[knock on door]

I've...

betrayed you.

What do you mean? [knocking]

I'm weak, Tom.

Who's at the door?

Everything is so...

wrong.

[door opens]

Well, gentlemen.

Tony?

This is Thomas Quirk.

Yes.What do you want?

We want the man
who fooled everybody.

This is him.Tony.

Well, now... may I?

Oh, please do, yes.

This is where we have
a little problem.

You're telling us
he played all the parts?

[Tony]He did,
and he was wonderful.

Mr. O'Malley, we were
at the show tonight,

and we realized something.That fucker canna act.

Here, now, I might have had
a bad show. That can happen...

You were shite.

You forgot your lines.
You stood in the wrong places.

You nearly brained a woman
in the front row.

I've been tired.
I have good nights. Tony?

Yeah. Yes. On occasion,
he's been sufficiently OK.

Thank you, Tony.
That's great.

I sent you to the Aran Islands,
you stupid bollix.

You think I'm stupid, huh?
You think I'd believe you,
huh?

You're strictly amateur hour.
What you talking about?

You could nae send me
a Christmas card.

All right.
All right, gentlemen.

I know what I saw.

Mr. Quirk...

I'm sorry. Your acting
leaves much to be desired.

I didn't, and I don't know
how anybody could,

believe you...
for a second.

Which brings us to the heart
of our problem, Mr. O'Malley.

You, on the other hand,
were magnificent.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

One does what one can
with the material one...
Wait a minute.

Oi! Wait... Tony!

Wait a minute.Tony?!

You don't think that I...?
I couldn't do... You... But...

No, I deal in stagecraft,
not in reality.

I mean, this is life.
I mean, I...

On stage, I... I...

On stage, not...

I see.

Ow.

Not the face.

Not the face.

[applause]

And now we come
to what many consider

the most hotly contended award
of the evening -

best actor in a leading role.

[Marty]In this
particular category,
it's been a super year.

It certainly has,
and the nominees are...

Paul OÓ Grádaigh
in We're Home from the Hills.

Stiofan McAlister
in Bucketful of Angels.

Marcus OÓ Gearhaghty
in The Conniptions of Rover.

And Anthony O'Malley
in Richard III.

And the award goes to...

This is stiff competition.Uh-huh.

[mutters]
Come on, you stupid bitch.

[both]Anthony O'Malley.Yes!

Yes! Yes!

[cheers and applause]

You losers.
Talentless bastards.

Fuck off.
Fuck off. Fuck off.

Aah! Fuck.

Thank you.Oh!

And you.

Move back.
That's enough.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Best actor. Best actor...

Ah, it's a load of shite.
I'm going for a drink.
I'm going for a drink.

"What is acting?"Come for a drink.

...I asked myself...Fuck you, then.

...every evening
as I stared into the mirror,

applying makeup. [fly buzzes]

I watch myself
slowly disappear

as I breathe life
into whatever creation
I must face and defeat

over the next three hours

before I can reclaim myself,

never forgetting...Jesus.
Hey, it's on! It's on!

[man]What's on?It's on!

What's fucking...

What's fucking on? [♪ jingle]

Thank you.

[cockerel crows]

So cheeky.

McCullagh's.

My God, that's a right lump of a sausage.

Great. Really good. [man]Nice one, Dolores.

[man #2]Not bad.
Say, what's with the ass?

[♪ ballroom]

You're lucky.

There's not many men
can fall three stories
and live to tell the tale.

An actor is always
in peak condition,
Barreller.

Yeah, I suppose so.

I ask you, what kind
of a fucking eejit

just falls
out of a fucking window?

What?

May I?Aye. Come on.

You're going to have to
pick me up.

All right.

Your dad doesn't
suspect us, does he?

No. He doesn't know
what the fuck
was going on.

He's just glad
it's all over.

You know, all the agony.Ahh! What the fuck
are you doing?

But I like hurtin' ya.

You're such a baby.

Sorry.Are you gonna
make it better?

Yeah.

Ahh!

Oh, I'm so sorry.Whoo!

I was just coming
to congratulate you

on such
a wonderful performance
this evening.

I suppose many people
have told you you're beautiful.

Have you ever thought
of doing Shakespeare?
Ophelia?

Not you, sir. Her....

Is that better?You're getting there, yeah.

It wouldn't be difficult,
because we'd only use
the vowel sounds.

Oo ee, oo o uh ee,

a i ee e ee o.

Well, I suppose
even stupid people

deserve happy endings,

but the bad actors
always get all the attention.

You never notice
the good ones.

The good ones disappear.

[♪ "Star of the Sea"]

[girl] ♪ In the city,
there's a thousand souls and

♪ I want to tell them all
I'm sorry

♪ I get up,
and I face the morning

♪ I get up, and I face
the morning tonight

[children] ♪ It's all right

♪ Star

♪ Of the sea

♪ Have mercy

♪ On me

♪ Part

♪ The clouds

♪ Look down

♪ Look down

♪ In the city,
there's a thousand souls and

♪ I want to tell them all
I'm sorry

♪ I get up,
and I face the morning

♪ I get up, and I face
the morning tonight

♪ It's all right

♪ Star

♪ Of the sea

♪ Have mercy

♪ On me

♪ Star

♪ In the clouds

♪ Look down

♪ Look down