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1
00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:03,879
Here? You're dropping me off here?
2
00:00:04,171 --> 00:00:07,007
Right in front
of this obvious pickpocket?
3
00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:08,300
Look at the size of that guy.
4
00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:10,010
He's clearly new homeless.
5
00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:12,179
We're a mile away from the loft, Cece.
6
00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:13,555
I'm not getting caught with you.
7
00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:15,432
I'm gonna have to run
all the way home.
8
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:17,017
And I have my slippiest loafers on.
9
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,560
If I were you,
I'd get walking right now.
10
00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:20,103
You're never gonna get home before dawn.
11
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:21,855
Okay, look, I'm fine with you
12
00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:22,981
not telling anybody about us,
13
00:00:23,065 --> 00:00:26,568
but you cannot just call me at any time
14
00:00:26,652 --> 00:00:28,487
and just summon me for intercourse.
15
00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:30,113
I have no control here,
16
00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:33,075
and I'm stressed out all day long.
17
00:00:33,158 --> 00:00:36,912
It's like you're ripping
the side block out of my mental Jenga.
18
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,330
I'm totally falling apart.
19
00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:39,998
Okay, Schmidt, you...
20
00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:42,960
You really need to
learn to take a breath
21
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,753
and calm down, all right?
22
00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:47,297
We're just being a little spontaneous.
23
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:49,967
Words that have never been
used to describe Schmidt.
24
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:53,178
"Spontaneous, flexible, easy-going."
25
00:00:53,262 --> 00:00:55,097
-I'm like a Marine.
-You're nothing like a Marine.
26
00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:57,015
I'm totally like a Marine, all right?
You know what?
27
00:00:57,099 --> 00:00:58,725
Fine. I'm... I'm out of here.
28
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,812
Take these, and take care of them.
29
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:03,272
I can get a tetanus shot,
30
00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:05,107
but I can't cure damaged suede.
31
00:01:09,361 --> 00:01:11,196
JESS: Can you believe
I found this on the street?
32
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:12,656
Who would want to throw this away?
33
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:14,992
A blind man who suddenly
recovered his sight?
34
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,828
Get rid of it, Jess.
Pine has no place in this loft.
35
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,788
It's the wood of poor people
and outhouses.
36
00:01:19,872 --> 00:01:21,832
I pay rent, so I think
37
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:23,500
that gives me the right
to add a few things.
38
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:26,461
Jess... (CHUCKLES) You're wrong.
39
00:01:27,129 --> 00:01:29,047
Okay? My answer's no.
40
00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:31,091
Well, my answer is yes.
41
00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:33,427
-I'm keeping the hutch.
-I had a bad night.
42
00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,762
I'm really,
I'm just asking you, please don't push me.
43
00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:38,223
'Cause then I'll have to reinstate
my ban on high-waisted shorts.
44
00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:40,142
-You would not dare.
-Try me.
45
00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:42,060
That was the worst four weeks of my life.
46
00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:45,480
Hey, girl
47
00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:48,233
What you doing?
48
00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:50,861
Hey, girl
49
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:53,030
Where you going?
50
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,323
Who's that girl?
51
00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:55,782
Who's that girl?
52
00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:57,117
Who's that girl?
53
00:01:57,201 --> 00:01:58,202
Who's that girl?
54
00:01:58,285 --> 00:01:59,286
It's Jess!
55
00:02:05,918 --> 00:02:08,170
Hey, Winston, why are
you still drinking?
56
00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:09,880
It is 10:00 in the morning, man.
57
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:12,216
Yeah, I know what it'll feel like
when I stop,
58
00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:15,802
so I'm just gonna stay
a little drunk, forever.
59
00:02:15,886 --> 00:02:18,055
Well, why is there
no girl version of you, my man?
60
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,223
(GROANS)
61
00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:20,557
Moving on.
62
00:02:21,099 --> 00:02:22,935
So, last night's poker game.
63
00:02:23,018 --> 00:02:24,186
Got pretty intense.
64
00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:25,646
I don't know
what you're talking about.
65
00:02:25,729 --> 00:02:26,980
I was so hammered last night.
66
00:02:27,064 --> 00:02:28,899
I've never been more sober
in my whole life.
67
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,859
I'll remember this as long as I live.
68
00:02:30,943 --> 00:02:33,237
I'm all in. Uno, bitches.
69
00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:35,072
Read 'em and weep.
70
00:02:36,031 --> 00:02:37,533
-Straight flush.
-Aw!
71
00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:39,076
So, what do I owe you, 20 bucks?
72
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,202
-Twenty bucks?
-Yeah.
73
00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:42,162
You owe me $487.
74
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,414
Come on, Winston!
75
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:47,125
(GROANS) Schmidt makes me so mad!
76
00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:48,669
I want to put one thing,
77
00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:50,337
one thing in the living room,
78
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:51,421
and he won't let me.
79
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,006
I'm not putting up with this.
80
00:02:53,090 --> 00:02:54,091
Oh, yes, you are.
81
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,759
We live in a fragile ecosystem.
82
00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:57,094
It's a delicate balance.
83
00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,512
It's a broken ecosystem,
84
00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:00,264
dominated by an apex predator.
85
00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:02,891
Chill out, Jess.
We let him run the house, no big deal.
86
00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:05,477
The boy cooks and cleans,
and happily, I might add.
87
00:03:05,561 --> 00:03:07,062
Yeah, he probably
couldn't sleep last night
88
00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:09,398
'cause he was so excited
to clean up after us.
89
00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:11,066
I know he's been bad lately,
90
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:12,317
but Schmidt's an odd bird.
91
00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:14,111
He can't handle it when things
92
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,445
aren't clean and orderly.
93
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,573
It's been that way
since the day he moved in.
94
00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:20,117
Welcome to your new home, Schmidt.
95
00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:22,244
Come on, play ball.
96
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,373
(WHOOPING)
97
00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:27,499
Coming home!
98
00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:31,003
(GAGGING)
99
00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:35,841
Well, I'm fed up with it.
100
00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:38,218
And he's got to learn how to relax.
101
00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:39,845
And, Nick, why do you have
102
00:03:39,928 --> 00:03:41,430
cannons drawn all over your back?
103
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:42,556
Those aren't cannons, Jess.
104
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:43,640
Long-stem mushrooms?
105
00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,267
-Nope.
-JESS: Oh, so that's
106
00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:47,686
-not a mossy cave.
-Mmm-mmm.
107
00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:49,313
-Mmm, no.
-Probably not.
108
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:50,772
(DOOR OPENS)
109
00:03:57,988 --> 00:03:59,281
SCHMIDT: What the...
110
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:01,366
What is happening?
111
00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:03,160
I can't take this right now.
112
00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:04,995
What, do we live in a pawnshop?
113
00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:09,249
-Hey, Schmidt.
-Hey, Jess. What, uh...
114
00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:10,792
Where did all this come from?
115
00:04:10,876 --> 00:04:12,503
I found the afghan underneath a dumpster
116
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:13,962
outside an animal shelter.
117
00:04:14,046 --> 00:04:16,381
And I found the lamp
underneath the afghan.
118
00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:18,592
I'm gonna assume that
these are your spices
119
00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:20,052
-jammed in here with my spices.
-Yep.
120
00:04:20,135 --> 00:04:22,179
I would really appreciate it
if your non-Tahitian vanilla
121
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,181
was not touching my Tahitian vanilla.
122
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,308
Oh, Schmidt, they're more than touching.
123
00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:28,477
(BREATHY) What's it like
living in the most populous isle
124
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:29,978
in French Polynesia?
125
00:04:30,062 --> 00:04:32,814
(FRENCH ACCENT)
I could tell you, or I could show you.
126
00:04:32,898 --> 00:04:34,733
(BREATHY VOICE)
Not in front of the cloves.
127
00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:35,943
Where's my burr coffee grinder?
128
00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:37,819
(NORMAL VOICE) You know,
I think it's in the hutch.
129
00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:39,446
You put it in the hutch?
130
00:04:39,905 --> 00:04:42,199
The... Ah, this thing was on the street.
131
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,159
It's a coffee grinder, Schmidt.
132
00:04:44,243 --> 00:04:45,577
I think it'll be okay.
133
00:04:45,661 --> 00:04:48,539
A top-of-the-line
conical burr coffee grinder.
134
00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,207
You know what that means?
It means it doesn't
135
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,543
smash up the beans like
some pedestrian blade grinder.
136
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,753
It actually grinds them,
137
00:04:54,837 --> 00:04:57,548
for a deeper, richer,
more satisfying flavor profile!
138
00:04:57,631 --> 00:05:00,342
Oh. Well, I've used it repeatedly
139
00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:01,802
to make homemade crayons.
140
00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:04,346
Does that show up in your
flavor profile, Schmidt?
141
00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:06,265
Uh, yeah, that's fine.
142
00:05:07,599 --> 00:05:09,017
If you're looking for your oven mitts,
143
00:05:09,101 --> 00:05:10,519
they're in the top drawer of the hutch.
144
00:05:10,686 --> 00:05:12,312
Oh. Okay, fair enough.
145
00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:15,315
-Hutch is gone. No, no, no.
-No. No!
146
00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:17,150
-No hutch.
-No, no!
147
00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:18,819
-Stop! Don't move the hutch.
-Bye-bye, hutch!
148
00:05:18,902 --> 00:05:20,404
This thing makes me emotionally nauseous!
149
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:21,947
This is my hutch. Don't move it!
150
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:23,365
All right, you're right...
151
00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:24,575
I'm so sorry. You're right.
152
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,034
It's a beautiful piece.
153
00:05:26,118 --> 00:05:27,327
It looks great there.
154
00:05:28,871 --> 00:05:30,372
My apologies.
155
00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:31,498
Thank you.
156
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:40,424
Oops.
157
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:51,018
Schmidt, you have a real problem.
158
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,313
You've got to learn to calm down.
159
00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,440
Yeah, yeah.
160
00:06:00,736 --> 00:06:02,321
I love the beach.
161
00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:04,323
Now, isn't this better
than arguing about a hutch?
162
00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:07,951
Yeah, if you like hanging out
on the rim of a giant fish toilet.
163
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:10,370
Jess, I can't believe
you brought me down here.
164
00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:13,040
This is a great place
to talk about your problems.
165
00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:15,334
Jess, this sucks,
I just want to go home.
166
00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:16,627
Schmidt, come here.
167
00:06:17,419 --> 00:06:20,464
Look. You got the birds in the sky.
168
00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:24,301
Sea and sand.
169
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,261
The wind in our hair.
170
00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:29,556
(GRUNTS) You've lost your kite!
171
00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:32,351
Have fun flying your string all day!
172
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:34,269
Sorry I forgot my wallet.
173
00:06:34,353 --> 00:06:35,854
Thank you for paying, it's delicious.
174
00:06:36,188 --> 00:06:38,232
Yeah, which is weird,
because I clearly remember saying,
175
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:39,691
"Hey, man, don't forget your wallet."
176
00:06:39,775 --> 00:06:41,443
-And I still forgot it.
-You still forget it.
177
00:06:41,527 --> 00:06:43,487
-You said that. We're getting older.
-I said that.
178
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:44,988
Okay, this is a good segue.
179
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:48,200
(SIGHS) Um... Can I talk to you
180
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:49,910
about something that's kind of tough?
181
00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:52,329
Yeah, man, shoot.
182
00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:55,791
"The subject of this talk is the debt
of money between us.
183
00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:57,501
-"I feel that..."
-Oh, man!
184
00:06:57,584 --> 00:06:59,503
I thought this was
about something serious.
185
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,547
You set that up like it was
about something different.
186
00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:02,840
This is about the poker?
187
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,425
Oh, I'll pay you your money. Relax.
188
00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:11,348
"If I am reading this section,
then I can only assume
189
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,724
"you have told me to relax."
190
00:07:12,808 --> 00:07:15,310
-You wrote that?
-"Let me assure you I am very relaxed,
191
00:07:15,394 --> 00:07:17,354
"although I have good reason not to be,
192
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,273
"as you owe me a very large sum."
193
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:21,441
I will pay you the money, you clown.
194
00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:23,068
"I am aware we're both broke,
195
00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:26,321
"one of us embarrassingly so.
Points to Nick.
196
00:07:26,405 --> 00:07:28,532
"I have recently tumbled down
the socio-economic ladder
197
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:29,741
"and have hit rock bottom,
198
00:07:29,825 --> 00:07:31,577
"where you, Nick Miller,
have been waiting..."
199
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:33,829
-Thank you.
-"...patiently for the past 15 years.
200
00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:35,414
"But I want that money.
201
00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:37,374
"Give me my money.
I really mean it.
202
00:07:37,708 --> 00:07:39,877
"It's my money.
You owe me that money,
203
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,087
"so give me my money. Seriously."
204
00:07:42,171 --> 00:07:43,797
-Are you finished?
-"Where's the money, dude?"
205
00:07:43,881 --> 00:07:46,216
-You wrote "dude"?
-"But I am not without pity.
206
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:48,760
"I am willing to just
call it an even $200."
207
00:07:50,512 --> 00:07:52,347
Everything let go with just $200?
208
00:07:52,431 --> 00:07:55,350
-Right.
-All right, I can do $200.
209
00:07:56,018 --> 00:07:58,145
-$200? Two hundo clean?
-Yep.
210
00:07:58,228 --> 00:07:59,229
All right.
211
00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:07,362
I did pay for gas here, though.
212
00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:09,031
So that's, let's say, 10 bucks.
213
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:10,824
So we're at $190.
214
00:08:10,908 --> 00:08:12,826
We'll say clean $190.
215
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,162
I hate to be this guy,
216
00:08:15,746 --> 00:08:17,331
but I got the fights on Friday,
217
00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:19,458
so that's $30. So let's call it $160
218
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:20,751
and be done with it.
219
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:24,546
Twenty dollars for beer that night,
220
00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:26,298
so $160 takes us to $140.
221
00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:28,217
Just to be fair. And I didn't write
222
00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:29,635
a stupid letter about it.
223
00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:31,178
But let's say right now $140.
224
00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:33,263
You ate a lot of the nachos!
225
00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:37,684
Littering! $15 for littering!
226
00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:40,562
What a way to live...
227
00:08:40,646 --> 00:08:41,939
How fun is this!
228
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,858
It's not my cup of tea.
229
00:08:45,651 --> 00:08:47,528
Don't you know that life
230
00:08:47,611 --> 00:08:51,156
Don't wait for death?
231
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,284
Choo-choo
232
00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:56,411
-(WHISTLE BLOWS)
-(SCREAMS)
233
00:08:56,495 --> 00:08:57,579
No!
234
00:08:57,663 --> 00:08:59,331
No! No, Jess, no!
235
00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:01,917
I can't believe
I never noticed this before, but, Schmidt,
236
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,961
you are legitimately crazy.
237
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,255
I think we're all a little bit crazy,
don't you think, Jess?
238
00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:09,633
No, I mean, you're like
aging-ballerina, child-chess-prodigy,
239
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,635
professional-magician crazy.
240
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:14,930
It's my mom's fault.
You know, I come from a Jewish family,
241
00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:17,474
but she used to tell me
the reason Santa didn't come to our house
242
00:09:17,558 --> 00:09:19,059
was because my room was dirty.
243
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:21,103
The only thing I ever
controlled was what I ate.
244
00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:23,480
-That's why I got fat.
-Yeah, I got fat 'cause I used to eat
245
00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:27,067
Concord grape jelly
from the jar using a candy bar as a fork.
246
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:28,652
It's because you didn't
have any structure.
247
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:30,612
You know what I mean?
That's what happens
248
00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:32,197
when you don't have any rules.
249
00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:35,367
None of these people have rules.
Especially that guy.
250
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:36,785
He's wearing ladies' bikini bottoms.
251
00:09:36,869 --> 00:09:39,538
Jess, I'm not like these people, okay?
252
00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:42,499
I don't have dreadlocks.
I don't own a snake.
253
00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:45,002
I don't understand how these people
think they're relaxed,
254
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,004
because they're not.
They just have nothing to do.
255
00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:49,673
That's not me.
It's not that easy for me.
256
00:09:49,798 --> 00:09:51,967
Sounds to me like a lot
of excuses, Schmidt.
257
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:53,969
Just be spontaneous.
258
00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:58,223
(RHYTHMIC PERCUSSION PLAYING)
259
00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:28,045
Hey, Nick.
260
00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:30,255
I'm sorry to bother you
while you're clearly
261
00:10:30,339 --> 00:10:32,382
sitting here working hard
making lots of money.
262
00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:34,384
-All right.
-But if you'd kindly just pause that
263
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,803
for one second, I have a few accounts
that I'd like to settle.
264
00:10:37,471 --> 00:10:38,889
Account number one,
265
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:41,517
a $15 receipt for a Chinatown box turtle.
266
00:10:41,934 --> 00:10:43,560
-Bam. Here we go.
-We're doing this, huh?
267
00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:45,103
-Yeah, we are doing this.
-Great.
268
00:10:45,187 --> 00:10:46,355
Item number two...
269
00:10:46,438 --> 00:10:50,150
Canceled $35 check
for registration of a domain name,
270
00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:52,277
"It's NickMillerTime.com."
271
00:10:52,361 --> 00:10:54,279
"Hey, guys, Winston,
I got a good idea, man.
272
00:10:54,363 --> 00:10:55,614
"I'm gonna be a big-time blogger."
273
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:57,199
-I have to go to work.
-Uh-huh.
274
00:10:57,282 --> 00:10:59,660
At a bar, where you drink for free.
275
00:10:59,743 --> 00:11:00,786
Wow.
276
00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:03,539
How much does 400 Cognac
and colas add up to, Winston?
277
00:11:03,622 --> 00:11:04,873
-You want to go there? Okay.
-Sure.
278
00:11:04,957 --> 00:11:06,124
How about the times I sat around
279
00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:07,626
listening to you bitch and moan
280
00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:09,920
about how Caroline broke
your precious little heart?
281
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:12,047
-Okay, in eighth grade...
-Eighth grade.
282
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:15,509
-...you "accidentally" saw my mom naked.
-Mmm-hmm.
283
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:18,428
Before she stopped exercising
and let herself get chubby.
284
00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:19,513
-(LAUGHS)
-Okay?
285
00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,139
So how much is that, in terms of money?
286
00:11:21,223 --> 00:11:22,474
'Cause I haven't gotten over that.
287
00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,810
-And I would say $4,000 to $5,000.
-Hey, guys. Hey, guys.
288
00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:27,688
Schmidt, Winston saw my mother naked
in eighth grade, in terms of money...
289
00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:30,148
I waded into the ocean
without my aqua socks.
290
00:11:30,274 --> 00:11:31,400
JESS: Mmm, he did it.
291
00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:32,693
-I did it.
-He let go.
292
00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:35,654
(CHANTING)
293
00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:39,575
He washed his hands in a public restroom.
294
00:11:39,658 --> 00:11:41,285
And there was a man in there.
295
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,745
And he was using the toilet,
full sit, no door.
296
00:11:43,829 --> 00:11:46,206
And I didn't break eye contact. Not once.
297
00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:48,417
That's not letting go, that's cruising.
298
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,044
Hey, Schmidt.
299
00:11:52,004 --> 00:11:53,714
-There's a spill.
-JESS: I know.
300
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:55,757
Do your exercise. You know.
301
00:11:55,841 --> 00:11:57,467
Yeah, okay, the exercise.
302
00:11:57,551 --> 00:11:59,011
(CLEARS THROAT)
303
00:11:59,178 --> 00:12:03,557
(INHALES DEEPLY) One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
304
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:04,641
(EXHALES)
305
00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:07,436
I feel great.
306
00:12:07,603 --> 00:12:09,313
I'm gonna go take a shower
with Nick's bar soap,
307
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:10,647
like a common ranch hand.
308
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,985
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
-What is going on?
309
00:12:15,319 --> 00:12:16,862
You messed with the ecosystem.
310
00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:18,572
And you guys said it couldn't be done.
311
00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,532
You have no idea what you're getting into.
312
00:12:20,616 --> 00:12:21,658
You're welcome.
313
00:12:25,996 --> 00:12:26,997
(RHYTHMIC DRUMMING)
314
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,916
NICK: Schmidt,
you're killing me with that drumming!
315
00:12:28,999 --> 00:12:30,709
-(JESS GROANS)
-You're killing me!
316
00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:33,212
JESS: Look at this mess.
How did this happen?
317
00:12:33,295 --> 00:12:34,630
So, this is your fault.
318
00:12:34,713 --> 00:12:36,590
No. No.
319
00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:37,758
This is good for Schmidt.
320
00:12:37,841 --> 00:12:40,886
'Cause you guys have been
taking advantage of him for years.
321
00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:42,721
You make him cook,
you make him clean...
322
00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:44,306
Where's my money, dude?
323
00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,808
Frankly, it's sexist.
324
00:12:47,184 --> 00:12:48,894
Oh, my God. Ew!
325
00:12:49,061 --> 00:12:50,187
How's it sexist?
326
00:12:50,646 --> 00:12:51,730
Who's cleaning up?
327
00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:53,857
-I cleaned this morning.
-JESS: All right, fine.
328
00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:56,109
-I'll clean, you go to the store.
-NICK: Act like an adult.
329
00:12:56,193 --> 00:12:57,736
BOTH: I'm not going to the store with him.
330
00:12:57,819 --> 00:13:00,322
-JESS: Stop throwing things at each other.
-Where's my money, dude?
331
00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:02,908
JESS: Oh, come on.
WINSTON: Where is the money?
332
00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:04,034
You're a child.
333
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:06,370
-...my car, too, while you...
-SCHMIDT: Silence, friends!
334
00:13:06,787 --> 00:13:08,205
I made you necklaces.
335
00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,249
Hey, do you want to go to the store?
336
00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:11,500
Please, God, yes.
337
00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:15,379
$100? How did Schmidt
buy all these groceries with 100 bucks?
338
00:13:15,504 --> 00:13:16,839
-It's only $100?
-$100.
339
00:13:16,922 --> 00:13:18,882
You should've told...
We have way too much stuff, man.
340
00:13:18,966 --> 00:13:21,009
-Yeah, like shrimp cocktail.
-We don't need a baked ham.
341
00:13:21,093 --> 00:13:22,427
-All right.
-Winston?
342
00:13:22,928 --> 00:13:24,346
-Sorry about that.
-WINSTON: Really?
343
00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:26,139
NICK: Two cake mixes?
344
00:13:26,223 --> 00:13:27,891
-Really? All these soups?
-Pizza? Frozen pizza?
345
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:29,643
-Fat ass. What you trying to do, die?
-Shut up.
346
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:31,812
-We have enough ketchup.
-Come on, really?
347
00:13:31,895 --> 00:13:33,146
Next, please.
348
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:34,314
NICK: Hey, how you doing, sir?
349
00:13:34,523 --> 00:13:35,899
We only have $100, Gary,
350
00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:38,151
so could you stop checking us out
when we hit $100?
351
00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:39,778
WINSTON: Yeah, you got to
include tax, too,
352
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:41,697
-so, like, $93, just... Cool?
-Yeah, that'll do.
353
00:13:41,864 --> 00:13:42,865
Okay, guys.
354
00:13:42,948 --> 00:13:44,449
-Thanks.
-Gonna put my stuff at the front
355
00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:45,784
'cause you don't know how to shop.
356
00:13:45,868 --> 00:13:47,077
You're being ridiculous.
357
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,161
Are you getting me?
358
00:13:48,245 --> 00:13:49,288
We have enough ketchup.
359
00:13:49,371 --> 00:13:50,956
-(CHUCKLING)
-Epsom salt?
360
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:52,708
-Yeah.
-Are you too good for regular salt?
361
00:13:52,791 --> 00:13:54,751
Okay, you know damn well
I got to soak my trick foot.
362
00:13:54,877 --> 00:13:56,712
Oh, Winnie, your little trick foot.
363
00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:58,839
Yeah, my trick foot,
and don't ever call me Winnie.
364
00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:00,424
-Aw, Winnie...
-Fine.
365
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:01,842
You don't owe me anything.
366
00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:03,427
The slate is clean.
We're good, we're even.
367
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:04,636
Good, that's how I feel, too.
368
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:07,389
Because in my mind,
your mom will always be the winner
369
00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:09,349
-of best boobs.
-Really? "Best boobs"?
370
00:14:09,433 --> 00:14:11,268
-Master's division.
-You gonna talk about my mother?
371
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:12,728
You gonna talk about my mom's boobs?
372
00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:13,896
Is that... You gonna go there?
373
00:14:13,979 --> 00:14:15,689
Don't push me in a supermarket.
374
00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:16,899
You started this.
375
00:14:18,734 --> 00:14:20,527
-Did you just slap me in the face?
-No, I did not.
376
00:14:20,611 --> 00:14:22,029
I don't know what you're talking about.
377
00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:28,035
I'm not afraid of you, man.
378
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,288
Don't act your...
379
00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:35,459
(GRUNTING)
380
00:14:36,752 --> 00:14:37,753
NICK: Grow up, dude!
381
00:14:37,836 --> 00:14:39,922
(SINGING INDISTINCTLY)
382
00:14:40,339 --> 00:14:41,590
Hey, Schmidt.
383
00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:43,759
Oh, hello, Jess.
384
00:14:44,051 --> 00:14:45,302
-Hey.
-What are you doing out here?
385
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:48,680
Oh, just checking up on you.
386
00:14:49,473 --> 00:14:50,766
Oh, I see you're eating street meat
387
00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:52,309
wrapped in street meat.
388
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:53,852
This is my man, Gordon.
389
00:14:54,186 --> 00:14:56,355
You've outdone yourself
once again, Gordon.
390
00:14:56,772 --> 00:14:58,190
Excellent.
391
00:14:58,273 --> 00:15:00,150
-Did you go to work today?
-No, no. No work.
392
00:15:00,234 --> 00:15:01,401
I haven't been there in a while.
393
00:15:01,485 --> 00:15:03,487
-How long is a while?
-I don't know. Three days?
394
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:07,866
Schmidt, I made a mistake
in bringing you down here.
395
00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:08,992
I shouldn't have done that.
396
00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:11,245
Please come home.
397
00:15:11,495 --> 00:15:12,829
Why?
398
00:15:13,038 --> 00:15:14,623
So I can cook and clean?
399
00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:16,792
So I can show you
where the vacuum is?
400
00:15:17,835 --> 00:15:19,294
-WOMAN: All right.
-(DRUMMING)
401
00:15:19,378 --> 00:15:21,797
Okay, fine, I don't know
where the vacuum is.
402
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,049
That is one reason why I came here,
403
00:15:24,132 --> 00:15:25,884
but I really want you to come home.
404
00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:28,637
Everything's falling apart without you.
405
00:15:28,804 --> 00:15:31,807
Nick and Winston
are fighting all the time.
406
00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:34,476
And all of us lost our keys
to the mailbox.
407
00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:37,813
Schmidt, just listen to me, because you
408
00:15:37,896 --> 00:15:40,232
don't belong here, like, really.
409
00:15:40,315 --> 00:15:41,775
Do you remember when you
got yourself off
410
00:15:41,859 --> 00:15:43,151
to An Inconvenient Truth?
411
00:15:43,861 --> 00:15:46,488
How about when
you dress up like Shia LaBeouf
412
00:15:46,572 --> 00:15:48,407
from Wall Street 2 for Halloween?
413
00:15:49,324 --> 00:15:50,576
Do you remember when you said
414
00:15:50,659 --> 00:15:53,495
jazz music was America's
greatest mistake?
415
00:15:53,871 --> 00:15:55,747
Say it in drums, Jessica Day.
416
00:15:56,290 --> 00:15:57,833
Me hablo drums.
417
00:16:01,336 --> 00:16:03,755
Hey, man. I got the last frozen thing.
418
00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:07,009
I was gonna ice my wrist, but...
419
00:16:07,718 --> 00:16:09,052
What about this?
420
00:16:09,428 --> 00:16:10,596
Take half, pal.
421
00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:12,181
So kind of you.
422
00:16:12,264 --> 00:16:13,599
(CHUCKLING)
423
00:16:13,682 --> 00:16:15,934
-That hurts, man.
-(SIGHS)
424
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:18,854
I am so hungry.
425
00:16:18,937 --> 00:16:20,522
Remember those things
Schmidt used to make us
426
00:16:20,606 --> 00:16:23,859
with the peanut butter
and the raisins on the celery?
427
00:16:23,942 --> 00:16:25,152
What were those called?
428
00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:27,404
-Ants on a log.
-Ants on a log.
429
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,323
I just got why they're called
ants on a log.
430
00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:31,909
Looks like ants on a log.
431
00:16:32,117 --> 00:16:33,827
-(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
-I'm hungry, man.
432
00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:35,662
Hey, Schmidt, is that you, buddy?
433
00:16:35,913 --> 00:16:37,164
No, it's me.
434
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,124
What the hell happened to you?
435
00:16:39,208 --> 00:16:40,626
I went down to the beach,
436
00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:42,544
and I tried to talk to Schmidt,
437
00:16:42,628 --> 00:16:44,129
but he just ignored me,
438
00:16:44,213 --> 00:16:46,965
and he went back
to twirling his fire baton.
439
00:16:47,049 --> 00:16:48,967
He's really bad,
he burned a lot of people.
440
00:16:49,051 --> 00:16:51,220
I feel like they should
let you twirl it around a few times
441
00:16:51,303 --> 00:16:53,055
before they actually light it on fire.
442
00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:56,683
Well, look, Jess, being friends
with Schmidt is really complicated.
443
00:16:56,892 --> 00:16:59,728
'Cause you want to change him so badly,
444
00:16:59,811 --> 00:17:02,648
but you can't 'cause he'll just get worse.
445
00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:06,068
You guys were right,
I upset the ecosystem.
446
00:17:06,151 --> 00:17:08,695
(SNIFFLES) This is not what I wanted.
447
00:17:09,488 --> 00:17:11,448
I just wanted to put my hutch here.
448
00:17:12,199 --> 00:17:14,576
Make the place my own,
be a part of the family.
449
00:17:14,660 --> 00:17:16,245
What family? With these clowns?
450
00:17:16,328 --> 00:17:18,956
Yeah, you clowns.
451
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:20,290
Well, look, you want in, you're in.
452
00:17:20,374 --> 00:17:23,001
Congratulations,
welcome to the family, Jess.
453
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:24,253
Aw.
454
00:17:24,336 --> 00:17:26,255
Yeah, we don't "aw" in this family.
455
00:17:26,463 --> 00:17:27,631
(DOOR UNLOCKING)
456
00:17:29,174 --> 00:17:30,759
(MUMBLING)
457
00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:36,682
-Hey, guys.
-JESS: Hey, Schmidt.
458
00:17:36,765 --> 00:17:38,934
Um, we need to talk.
459
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:42,604
Something not cool?
460
00:17:46,859 --> 00:17:48,944
Schmidt, we miss you.
461
00:17:49,027 --> 00:17:50,112
You just want me to clean.
462
00:17:50,195 --> 00:17:51,321
No, that's not true.
463
00:17:51,405 --> 00:17:52,948
It's a little bit true.
There's truth to it.
464
00:17:53,031 --> 00:17:54,283
-Okay, look.
-I want you to clean.
465
00:17:54,366 --> 00:17:58,453
Look, we're so proud of you
for letting go, and relaxing.
466
00:17:58,537 --> 00:18:00,706
But this isn't like you.
467
00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:02,207
You can run away from your problems,
468
00:18:02,958 --> 00:18:06,545
but you're just gonna find
new ones that pop up, like hepatitis.
469
00:18:06,628 --> 00:18:08,255
And Nick and Winston
470
00:18:08,338 --> 00:18:11,175
want to say to you
that they really miss you.
471
00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:12,384
You're freaking me out, man.
472
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:14,136
Why you wearing
that crystal around your neck?
473
00:18:14,219 --> 00:18:16,096
Nick, the crystal symbolizes energy.
474
00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:18,390
All a crystal is is rock poo, Schmidt.
475
00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:20,017
Look, I need you, Schmidt.
476
00:18:20,809 --> 00:18:24,104
Okay, I need you to tell me
what pants not to wear
477
00:18:24,188 --> 00:18:26,064
and to exercise more often.
478
00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:28,942
I need you to make fun of me
when I call a panini a hot sandwich.
479
00:18:29,026 --> 00:18:30,068
How am I ever gonna learn?
480
00:18:30,527 --> 00:18:32,321
I even miss your hair chutney.
481
00:18:32,404 --> 00:18:36,366
Without you, man,
we're just three idiots who live together.
482
00:18:37,201 --> 00:18:38,410
(SIGHS)
483
00:18:38,493 --> 00:18:40,120
You make us a family.
484
00:18:42,873 --> 00:18:43,874
(CHUCKLING) Well,
485
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:45,584
-I'm the cool rebel brother.
-You're the mom.
486
00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:46,710
-The mother.
-Mom.
487
00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:49,046
Look, Schmidt, if you come back to us,
488
00:18:50,214 --> 00:18:51,590
I'll let you clean my room.
489
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:54,927
The white whale?
490
00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:58,013
Think about how many
dust bunnies are under my bed,
491
00:18:58,096 --> 00:18:59,181
how many stray socks.
492
00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:02,059
Hey, Schmidt, I got you something.
493
00:19:02,142 --> 00:19:03,644
Is that a boutique box?
494
00:19:03,727 --> 00:19:06,855
A pair of gray, shiny,
495
00:19:06,939 --> 00:19:09,024
twill, flat-front trousers
496
00:19:09,733 --> 00:19:11,944
designed by a man named Calvin.
497
00:19:12,778 --> 00:19:14,238
Never been tried on.
498
00:19:14,321 --> 00:19:15,697
Pockets are sewn shut.
499
00:19:16,031 --> 00:19:19,785
Don't you just want to get
your thumbs in there and rip?
500
00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:24,414
Okay, so, I'm just gonna leave this
on your bongo drum,
501
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,000
and you can, you know,
502
00:19:27,084 --> 00:19:29,127
give them a whirl if you feel like it.
503
00:19:34,049 --> 00:19:35,509
Just make the right decision.
504
00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:38,345
(WHISPERING) Come home.
505
00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:40,764
Take the pants.
506
00:19:44,268 --> 00:19:45,519
(CLEARS THROAT)
507
00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:51,233
(SIGHS) Oh, come here.
508
00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:57,364
(SIGHS)
509
00:19:57,865 --> 00:19:59,408
(CHUCKLING) Calvin.
510
00:20:00,325 --> 00:20:01,952
You magnificent wizard.
511
00:20:02,911 --> 00:20:04,746
-(WATER RUNNING)
-(DISHES CLATTERING)
512
00:20:12,296 --> 00:20:13,463
Schmidtty.
513
00:20:14,673 --> 00:20:16,717
Nick, your hair is doing that thing
514
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,051
that I just... just hate.
515
00:20:18,135 --> 00:20:19,595
Jess, can you please ask Winston
516
00:20:19,678 --> 00:20:20,929
to help you move the furniture out?
517
00:20:21,013 --> 00:20:22,014
He could use the exercise.
518
00:20:22,097 --> 00:20:23,765
You're looking a little,
you know... (SPUTTERS)
519
00:20:23,849 --> 00:20:24,850
He's back.
520
00:20:24,933 --> 00:20:27,144
SCHMIDT: And Nick, Winston,
we have a urinal.
521
00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:28,437
How are you still missing?
522
00:20:29,104 --> 00:20:30,439
-(DOOR CLOSES)
-CECE: Schmidt?
523
00:20:30,522 --> 00:20:32,107
Schmidt, wake up.
524
00:20:32,191 --> 00:20:34,318
Hey, hey.
525
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:35,485
Hey.
526
00:20:35,569 --> 00:20:36,570
Hey!
527
00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:38,280
(BOTH SCREAMING)
528
00:20:38,906 --> 00:20:41,825
What are you doing here?
529
00:20:41,909 --> 00:20:43,827
What do you think
I'm doing here? Come on!
530
00:20:46,622 --> 00:20:48,457
-Okay, wait, wait, wait.
-CECE: What?
531
00:20:48,999 --> 00:20:51,168
Cece, before we continue,
532
00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:54,546
I clearly have no control
in this relationship,
533
00:20:55,923 --> 00:20:57,090
and I'm fine with it.
534
00:20:57,174 --> 00:20:58,842
-Good.
-But know this,
535
00:20:58,926 --> 00:21:01,053
you're the one who broke into
this apartment at 3:00 a.m.
536
00:21:01,136 --> 00:21:02,554
for a little bit of this Schmidt,
537
00:21:02,638 --> 00:21:03,931
so who's really in control?
538
00:21:04,181 --> 00:21:05,265
Shut up!
539
00:21:07,684 --> 00:21:08,685
(MOANS)
540
00:21:12,147 --> 00:21:14,274
Wait, oh, are you sleeping in dress pants?
541
00:21:14,358 --> 00:21:15,734
What? They're slacks.
542
00:21:15,817 --> 00:21:17,528
-What's the big deal? Calm down.
-Oh...
543
00:21:19,154 --> 00:21:22,032
SCHMIDT: Look how excited
Hector J. is to see you.
544
00:21:22,115 --> 00:21:23,367
CECE: I've already met Hector J...
545
00:21:23,450 --> 00:21:24,576
SCHMIDT: He's knighting you.
546
00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:25,786
CECE: Please stop knighting me.
547
00:21:25,869 --> 00:21:27,746
-SCHMIDT: Lady Cecilia...
-Schmidt, I'm gonna leave.
548
00:21:27,829 --> 00:21:29,456
SCHMIDT: Enter the order
of the round table.
549
00:21:29,540 --> 00:21:30,999
CECE: I'm getting my bag, I'm gonna...
550
00:21:31,083 --> 00:21:33,961
-Oh, I want to stay.
-SCHMIDT: Dame nasty Cece.
40135
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