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1
00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:04,171
Oh! Oh!
2
00:00:04,254 --> 00:00:06,465
(SIGHING)
3
00:00:06,548 --> 00:00:08,300
(CHUCKLES)
4
00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:09,635
Lechaim!
5
00:00:09,968 --> 00:00:11,345
To humping.
6
00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:13,805
(SIGHS) I was like a river.
7
00:00:13,889 --> 00:00:15,724
Did you feel that?
Did you feel me sweeping you
8
00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:17,768
along with the current of my body?
9
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:19,770
You were like a canoe on my body river.
10
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,230
(LAUGHS)
11
00:00:21,313 --> 00:00:23,398
Like you'd ever be
seaworthy with those breasts.
12
00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:24,900
(CHUCKLES) Boobies.
13
00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:27,277
I wish there was a word that meant
14
00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:30,364
complete satisfaction
and complete self-loathing.
15
00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:33,659
I've never seen a woman bite
her own shoulder before.
16
00:00:34,493 --> 00:00:35,911
That was the last time.
17
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:37,871
You said that twice last night.
18
00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:38,956
You'll be back.
19
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,207
I'm like your black tar heroin.
20
00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:42,876
You just need that
sweet taste in your veins.
21
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:46,004
Schmidttle and the damage done.
22
00:00:46,088 --> 00:00:47,589
Neil Young, yo.
23
00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:52,970
Just get me out of here
without someone seeing.
24
00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:57,724
JESS: Schmidt?
25
00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:02,271
Oh,
26
00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:05,148
did you have a sexual guest?
27
00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,608
What?
28
00:01:06,692 --> 00:01:08,318
Was it the same girl from the other night?
29
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:09,820
I don't know what you're talking about.
30
00:01:10,028 --> 00:01:12,906
It is, oh, my God. You slept with
the same girl twice in a row?
31
00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:15,033
Was it a mistake?
Was she wearing some kind of disguise?
32
00:01:15,117 --> 00:01:19,621
Hey, Nick, Schmidt slept with the same
girl twice in a row. I owe you $5.
33
00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:22,374
You know, I thought
I heard the door open at 3:00 a.m.
34
00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:24,418
Those are the sounds of true love.
35
00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:26,670
-Bet she had the time of her life.
-WINSTON: What happened?
36
00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:27,754
Did I miss her?
37
00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:29,047
-You did.
-WINSTON: I love meeting
38
00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:30,132
the girls you bring home.
39
00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:31,383
I like to pretend I'm your lover
40
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:34,011
on the down-low, Theodore K. Mullins.
41
00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:37,014
Damn, Schmidt, in our bed?
42
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,557
Where we shave each other?
43
00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:41,685
I've always loved you, you're my boo.
44
00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:43,270
Theodore K. Mullins is not my type, man.
45
00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:44,771
So, you gonna three-peat this ho?
46
00:01:44,855 --> 00:01:46,565
Who is this bitch? We want to meet her.
47
00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:49,234
I'm not gonna
parade her around like some trophy.
48
00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:51,528
You know me, I'm not that kind of guy.
49
00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:52,863
Oh!
50
00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:55,699
Schmidt told me this
was the front door.
51
00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,536
What's wrong with her?
Does she have a hunchback?
52
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,121
-Dwarf parts?
-Lovitz body?
53
00:02:01,205 --> 00:02:04,124
She happens to be
an incredibly beautiful woman.
54
00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:05,876
She another one
of your heavy gingers, Schmidt?
55
00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:07,920
-How big are her knuckles?
-NICK: Butter body?
56
00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:09,588
She has a Hitler mustache.
57
00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:14,134
I'm sorry, just,
58
00:02:14,218 --> 00:02:16,053
like, I want to banter
with you guys in the morning.
59
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:18,639
I just, like, panicked,
and I made a Hitler joke. I'm sorry.
60
00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:21,517
Hey, girl
61
00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:24,019
What you doing?
62
00:02:24,728 --> 00:02:27,022
Hey, girl
63
00:02:27,356 --> 00:02:29,733
Where you going?
64
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:30,943
Who's that girl?
65
00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:32,402
Who's that girl?
66
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,820
Who's that girl?
67
00:02:33,904 --> 00:02:34,905
Who's that girl?
68
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,198
It's Jess!
69
00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:44,748
Your science projects
are looking great, you guys.
70
00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:46,708
Love the potato battery, Harper.
71
00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:48,126
-Good job.
-HARPER: Thanks.
72
00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:50,170
Luke, I like your tree exhibit.
73
00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:52,005
Might want to think
about changing the name.
74
00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:53,215
-Okay?
-LUKE: Okay.
75
00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:55,133
JESS: Whoa.
76
00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:56,885
You built a robotic arm.
77
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,554
I think we know who's gonna win.
78
00:02:58,637 --> 00:03:00,639
Anyone can still win, Brianna.
79
00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:02,432
Even me, Miss Day?
80
00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:04,685
Yes.
81
00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:05,811
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
82
00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:07,688
Okay, lunchtime.
83
00:03:07,771 --> 00:03:09,106
(STUDENTS CHATTER)
84
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,156
Can I have lunch in here?
85
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,117
Oh, no, Nathaniel, what's wrong?
86
00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:21,368
In the cafeteria,
87
00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:23,954
kids have started playing
this game, coin slot.
88
00:03:24,580 --> 00:03:26,206
They put pennies in my butt crack.
89
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,209
I made 46 cents.
90
00:03:29,293 --> 00:03:31,295
No, no, no, you earned that.
91
00:03:33,172 --> 00:03:35,799
Um, Nathaniel, I'm gonna help you out.
92
00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:40,721
Julia sent me a cactus.
93
00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:43,432
She's on a business trip to China,
94
00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:45,475
and she sent it to me out of the blue.
95
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,272
I'm not an idiot.
96
00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:51,982
She's gonna break up with me.
97
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:53,275
Who told you that?
98
00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:55,903
Did the cactus tell you that?
99
00:03:55,986 --> 00:03:58,197
Is this one of those
fortune-telling cactuses...
100
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,574
Winston, think.
She's gonna break up with me.
101
00:04:00,657 --> 00:04:03,035
She doesn't think I can
take care of a regular plant.
102
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:04,536
Well, you can't.
103
00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:14,588
Any idiot can take care
of a cactus, Winston.
104
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:15,797
She thinks I'm an idiot.
105
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:17,257
Why are you watering a cactus?
106
00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:18,383
Because I'm an idiot.
107
00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:19,968
Julia sent him a cactus,
108
00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:21,637
which means
she's gonna break up with him.
109
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,263
(LAUGHS)
110
00:04:23,347 --> 00:04:24,348
Hmm.
111
00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:25,891
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a joke
112
00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:28,268
because otherwise that would
be totally stupid and insane.
113
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:29,937
Snap out of it, son.
114
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:31,271
Jess, you don't get it.
115
00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:34,149
This cactus is like a symbol
116
00:04:34,233 --> 00:04:35,817
of my relationship with her.
117
00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:36,902
-Oh!
-(CRASHING)
118
00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:37,986
JESS: Oh, my God.
119
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,783
I'm not gonna quit on this.
120
00:04:42,866 --> 00:04:44,201
I'm gonna get her back.
121
00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:46,328
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
122
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,288
There it is.
123
00:04:48,372 --> 00:04:49,373
Look at that.
124
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:52,292
Not bad, just fix red eye, red eye,
125
00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:53,794
red eye.
126
00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:54,920
Send.
127
00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:56,129
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
128
00:04:56,213 --> 00:04:57,256
Hello?
129
00:04:57,339 --> 00:04:58,632
CECE: Where are you?
130
00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:00,926
Oh, hey, Cecilia,
131
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:03,220
did you get my junk mail?
132
00:05:03,387 --> 00:05:05,013
I'm in front of your loft.
133
00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:07,933
I know I said that last time
was the last time, but...
134
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:10,227
You want to come down?
135
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,312
Yeah, I want to come...
(CLEARS THROAT)
136
00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,815
Yeah, I'll come down,
that sounds good. All right.
137
00:05:17,693 --> 00:05:19,862
JESS: So, I think I changed
a life today, you guys.
138
00:05:19,945 --> 00:05:21,822
I pulled a Gandhi, a real Gandhi.
139
00:05:21,905 --> 00:05:23,407
There's a student of mine,
140
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,200
he's been bullied for
the past few months,
141
00:05:25,284 --> 00:05:27,244
so after warning the kids
that there would be
142
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,288
serious repercussions
if this continued,
143
00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:32,165
I delivered a lesson
in the key of learning.
144
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:33,250
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
145
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,919
Learning minor. (CHUCKLES)
146
00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:42,801
He's a plump bird
who prefers the shelter of a hole
147
00:05:42,885 --> 00:05:45,137
(DRUM MACHINE JOINS IN)
148
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:47,139
He has a stubby beak
149
00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:49,474
And a nervous soul
150
00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:52,477
Because being chased
151
00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:55,606
By predators takes its toll
152
00:05:56,648 --> 00:06:00,944
Let the sad sparrow fly on...
153
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,822
You think singing a song about a kid
154
00:06:03,906 --> 00:06:06,283
is gonna stop him
from getting his ass kicked?
155
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:09,244
I know 12-year-olds
are vicious, vengeful creatures.
156
00:06:09,328 --> 00:06:12,206
Middle-school girls
literally scalp each other.
157
00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:14,875
I spent most of sixth grade
with a bald spot on my head.
158
00:06:14,958 --> 00:06:15,959
What?
159
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:18,003
But don't tell me
music can't make a difference,
160
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:19,087
'cause it can.
161
00:06:19,171 --> 00:06:20,339
Those kids were videotaping me
162
00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:21,507
-on their cell phones.
-Right.
163
00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:22,841
I think these kids are gonna really
164
00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:24,092
-remember that.
-Yeah...
165
00:06:24,176 --> 00:06:26,136
-JESS: You know, this day.
-What's the song called?
166
00:06:26,220 --> 00:06:30,432
Um, Sad Sparrow (Imagine
a World Without Bullies). Why?
167
00:06:30,516 --> 00:06:31,892
WINSTON: This is why.
168
00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:35,187
He's not smartest bird or the most pretty
169
00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:37,397
(BIRD SCREECHES)
170
00:06:37,481 --> 00:06:38,649
-(WHISTLES)
-What?
171
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:41,818
He spreads disease throughout the city
172
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:44,488
Well, at least the bully's
not making fun of that kid anymore.
173
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:46,073
They're making fun of me.
174
00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:47,366
(FARTING NOISE)
175
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:50,327
(WINSTON AND NICK LAUGHING)
176
00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:52,829
The hawk just took a little poop on you.
177
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,373
I'm not proud of myself for saying this,
178
00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:55,874
but it's a really funny video.
179
00:06:55,958 --> 00:06:57,417
Sad sparrow fly on...
180
00:06:57,501 --> 00:07:00,379
-(NICK AND WINSTON LAUGHING)
-NICK: Look at that, man.
181
00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:08,303
Why can't we just go upstairs
for a little Schmidt and spin?
182
00:07:08,387 --> 00:07:10,430
You just said everybody's
upstairs in the living room.
183
00:07:10,514 --> 00:07:11,765
Okay, fine, what about your place?
184
00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:13,433
My place is not an option right now.
185
00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:14,810
All the models are there.
186
00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:16,436
It's 12 models in two rooms.
187
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,230
It's like a room full of hungry Russians.
188
00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:20,274
Uh, yes, please, let's go there.
189
00:07:20,357 --> 00:07:22,860
What about just a little good,
old-fashioned car sex?
190
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:24,361
I can't do any of my moves in there.
191
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,363
I like to improvise with my body.
192
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,656
I'm like a sexual snowflake.
193
00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:30,450
Each night with me is
a unique experience, Cece.
194
00:07:30,534 --> 00:07:32,411
Okay, are we gonna do this, or not?
195
00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:35,038
'Cause I kind of need this
to happen right now, okay?
196
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,040
Isn't there, like,
a Starbucks bathroom around here
197
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,250
or something we could use?
198
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,460
What do I look like, a gypsy courtesan?
199
00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:42,171
So, how hard are you gonna drop
200
00:07:42,254 --> 00:07:43,672
the hammer on the kid who did this?
201
00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:46,508
I'm gonna find this kid,
and I'm just gonna
202
00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:48,051
open up a dialogue.
203
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,136
Not gonna work.
204
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,596
Take it from me, I used to be a bully.
205
00:07:51,263 --> 00:07:53,015
-(GRUNTING)
-Ow!
206
00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:54,516
Brown lightning!
207
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,727
-Wow, you had a catchphrase?
-WINSTON: Yeah.
208
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,187
You got to hit them where it hurts.
209
00:07:58,270 --> 00:08:00,230
Thank you, Winston,
but I have a different approach.
210
00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:01,565
Jerk-sica?
211
00:08:02,441 --> 00:08:04,484
My last name rhymes with "gay,"
212
00:08:04,568 --> 00:08:07,446
and the best thing
you can think of is Jerk-sica?
213
00:08:07,779 --> 00:08:08,780
Reason.
214
00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:10,365
(PHONE CHIMING)
215
00:08:11,575 --> 00:08:12,576
Hey, Schmidt.
216
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:15,787
Oh, there is? Thank you.
217
00:08:15,871 --> 00:08:17,331
He says we should look out the window.
218
00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:18,707
There's a crescent moon out tonight.
219
00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:19,958
Oh, dip, seriously?
220
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:29,426
Why do we care about a crescent moon?
221
00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:31,428
I don't know.
222
00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:34,556
I'm gonna live up there someday.
223
00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:39,394
Hey, Julia, what's up, girl?
224
00:08:39,478 --> 00:08:41,230
Hope you're having
a great time in Beijing.
225
00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:42,648
I miss you, I can't wait to see you.
226
00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:43,941
I got the cactus.
227
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,734
Thank you so much.
228
00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:47,277
I'm taking great care of it.
229
00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:48,612
Yeah, things are doing good here.
230
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,656
Everything's really cool, just...
231
00:08:51,490 --> 00:08:54,535
Taking names, kicking butt,
you know, all that.
232
00:08:54,618 --> 00:08:56,078
So, great, I'll see you Wednesday.
233
00:08:56,161 --> 00:08:57,496
You're the best around.
234
00:08:58,330 --> 00:08:59,748
Nope, that's not gonna be the one.
235
00:08:59,831 --> 00:09:02,918
Hey, Julia, just calling back
to say that I get it.
236
00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:04,169
Message received.
237
00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:05,838
I'm the cactus. (LAUGHS)
238
00:09:06,004 --> 00:09:08,507
If you put me in the desert,
I'd grow some needles, too.
239
00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:09,800
You bet I would.
240
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,385
You bet I would.
241
00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:13,178
FYI, I'm not high right now.
242
00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:14,972
Julia!
243
00:09:15,264 --> 00:09:16,306
Julia!
244
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:18,225
Call me back.
245
00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:19,935
Call me back, Julia.
246
00:09:20,018 --> 00:09:21,562
Julia, it's Nick.
247
00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:24,439
I'm sorry, I just realized
about the time difference.
248
00:09:24,523 --> 00:09:25,691
So, if you get this one first,
249
00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:28,026
could you please just delete
the other ones?
250
00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:29,278
I love you.
251
00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:30,737
What did I just...
252
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:34,366
I don't hear anyone out there.
253
00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:35,617
I think I'm safe.
254
00:09:35,701 --> 00:09:37,578
And I... I want you to know,
255
00:09:37,661 --> 00:09:39,580
that was the last time, okay?
256
00:09:39,663 --> 00:09:40,706
This is over.
257
00:09:41,290 --> 00:09:43,083
But we haven't even gotten
to the cheese course.
258
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:46,211
A little sharp aged cheddar? Mmm-hmm.
259
00:09:46,295 --> 00:09:47,588
Manchego?
260
00:09:47,671 --> 00:09:49,798
Maybe some buttery Gruyere?
261
00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:51,884
You sure you want to miss out?
262
00:09:51,967 --> 00:09:55,512
I just want to slowly
peel the wax off your babybels.
263
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:58,640
What are you even saying?
264
00:09:58,724 --> 00:10:00,559
How about a little stinky Taleggio?
265
00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:02,436
Why is this working?
266
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:04,521
I am so turned on right now.
267
00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:06,440
Or maybe some cream cheese?
268
00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:07,900
Want some schmear, Cece?
269
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:09,443
You know what?
270
00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:10,527
Cece, you should go.
271
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:14,156
Because if you have
the strength to turn all this down,
272
00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:16,617
do it.
273
00:10:18,702 --> 00:10:20,078
Yeah, I'm good.
274
00:10:24,041 --> 00:10:29,463
Hi. Who do I speak to re: getting
something removed from the Internet?
275
00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:30,839
Yeah, I can hold.
276
00:10:34,009 --> 00:10:35,177
(SIGHS)
277
00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:36,637
Want to party with havarti?
278
00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:38,639
Fine.
279
00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:40,307
Give me the damn cheese.
280
00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:55,197
So, Brianna,
I saw the robot arm in the user profile,
281
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:56,740
so I know you made that video.
282
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,992
So I thought we could sit
and talk for a minute.
283
00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:05,165
Look, Brianna, I know
you're better than this.
284
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,960
Can we talk about you
for a few minutes?
285
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,629
Can we talk about you instead?
286
00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:12,714
I'm an open book, ask me anything.
287
00:11:12,798 --> 00:11:14,341
How come you don't have a boyfriend?
288
00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:16,426
And why did Mr. Genzlinger dump you?
289
00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:19,721
And is it true that
your boyfriend before that cheated on you?
290
00:11:19,805 --> 00:11:21,265
Are you barren, Miss Day?
291
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,392
And why is your voice
so deep like a man's?
292
00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:25,102
(DEEP VOICE) It's...
(HIGH-PITCHED) It's not.
293
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:27,229
Your happiness seems like a mask.
294
00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:28,814
Well, I better go.
295
00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:39,658
(GASPS)
296
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:41,827
What have I done?
297
00:11:46,874 --> 00:11:48,667
NICK: Julia! So glad you're home.
298
00:11:49,126 --> 00:11:50,544
Hey.
299
00:11:50,627 --> 00:11:51,712
Are you okay?
300
00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:53,338
Yes, I'm okay, welcome back.
301
00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:55,215
-Are you sure?
-Did you listen to all the messages?
302
00:11:55,299 --> 00:11:56,800
-I did.
-You did? That sucks.
303
00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:58,385
You know, I really didn't mean anything.
304
00:11:58,468 --> 00:11:59,595
-I know.
-I... I didn't.
305
00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:00,888
Look, I got in my head, Julia.
306
00:12:00,971 --> 00:12:02,556
I thought you sent me this cactus
307
00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,224
because you were trying to tell me
308
00:12:04,308 --> 00:12:05,934
that I can't take care of a normal plant.
309
00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:08,562
Which, when I think about it,
I probably can't.
310
00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:10,272
Plants freak me out.
311
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:12,482
I'm way better with babies, actually.
312
00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:14,818
-Hmm.
-Not that I want to have, like,
313
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:16,278
a baby with you, like, right now.
314
00:12:16,361 --> 00:12:18,572
-If we did, I can see us having babies.
-Please, can we not...
315
00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,032
I know, that's not what I mean to say.
316
00:12:20,115 --> 00:12:21,783
-I'm getting weird again.
-No, I need to say...
317
00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:23,577
Julia, please, I overreacted.
318
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:24,912
I think we should break up.
319
00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:28,749
I do.
320
00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:32,794
I mean, I didn't realize it
when I sent it...
321
00:12:33,712 --> 00:12:37,257
But then after listening to the seven...
322
00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:38,717
Yeah, I know.
323
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,802
-Seven, Nick. Separate voice mails...
-Seven, yeah.
324
00:12:40,886 --> 00:12:42,763
...about the meaning behind the cactus,
325
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:46,642
I don't know,
it really just clicked in for me,
326
00:12:46,725 --> 00:12:48,936
and I just, I don't think
that we should do this anymore.
327
00:12:49,019 --> 00:12:50,354
I'm really sorry.
328
00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:00,531
So I was right about the cactus.
329
00:13:02,658 --> 00:13:05,244
Okay, what kind of
crazy person destroys a child's robot?
330
00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:07,663
Can you bring me, like,
a bunch of Phillips-head screwdrivers
331
00:13:07,746 --> 00:13:12,084
and, like, a crescent wrench
and, like, other tool things?
332
00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:13,418
What if I'm busy?
333
00:13:13,585 --> 00:13:14,962
(LAUGHS)
334
00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:18,423
Thank you, Winston. I really needed that.
335
00:13:18,507 --> 00:13:19,842
It's been a really hard week.
336
00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:21,593
Hey, man, I'm going to the beach
337
00:13:21,677 --> 00:13:23,971
to watch the sun go down,
'cause I love sunsets.
338
00:13:24,054 --> 00:13:25,472
Did you know that about me?
339
00:13:25,889 --> 00:13:27,766
What the hell is wrong with you?
340
00:13:27,850 --> 00:13:31,728
Oh, Julia dumped me, so sad face.
341
00:13:32,938 --> 00:13:34,648
Hey, do you want
to come with me to the beach?
342
00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:36,149
'Cause I feel great, I'm ready to rock,
343
00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:37,651
but I really don't want to be alone.
344
00:13:39,695 --> 00:13:40,696
Scissors?
345
00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:43,365
How am I supposed to fix
a robot arm with scissors?
346
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:44,575
Those are my good scissors.
347
00:13:44,658 --> 00:13:45,868
Why do you have good scissors?
348
00:13:45,951 --> 00:13:49,037
You know, the news
only focuses on what goes wrong.
349
00:13:49,121 --> 00:13:50,831
Never talks about what goes right.
350
00:13:50,914 --> 00:13:51,915
Evolution.
351
00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:53,208
-You know?
-That's it. Come here.
352
00:13:53,292 --> 00:13:54,501
NICK: Yeah, exactly.
353
00:13:54,585 --> 00:13:56,879
I'm gonna kill him.
Can you get him out of here?
354
00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:59,381
Hey, guys, you guys want
to watch The Piano later?
355
00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:00,966
(CHUCKLES)
356
00:14:01,550 --> 00:14:02,676
Here?
357
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,553
You want to do it here?
358
00:14:04,636 --> 00:14:06,763
Okay... All right. What's the scenario?
359
00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:09,183
We enter separately,
pretending to be strangers
360
00:14:09,266 --> 00:14:10,809
meeting in the bathroom.
361
00:14:10,893 --> 00:14:12,853
You want me on the can, off the can?
362
00:14:12,936 --> 00:14:14,188
No, I just, I just need to
363
00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:15,731
pop in this party for, like, 20 minutes.
364
00:14:15,814 --> 00:14:17,024
When I come back, we'll have sex.
365
00:14:17,107 --> 00:14:18,400
Okay, yeah, let's do it.
366
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:20,360
Oh, no. Um, I'm going in there alone.
367
00:14:20,444 --> 00:14:22,529
Well, what am I supposed to do?
368
00:14:22,613 --> 00:14:23,614
I'll crack a window for you.
369
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:25,699
Crack a window for me?
370
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,284
-Yeah.
-What am I, your sex dog?
371
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,161
What... What if I have
to go to the bathroom?
372
00:14:29,244 --> 00:14:30,871
Why don't you just give me a chew toy?
373
00:14:30,954 --> 00:14:33,332
Come on, Schmidt,
stop being such a big baby.
374
00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:36,084
Oh, my... Are you ashamed of me?
375
00:14:36,168 --> 00:14:37,794
Yes. Absolutely.
376
00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:40,672
100%. I'm 100% ashamed of you.
377
00:14:40,756 --> 00:14:42,925
What... What a revelation.
378
00:14:43,008 --> 00:14:45,511
Okay, come on, Schmidt,
I can't be the first woman
379
00:14:45,594 --> 00:14:47,137
who's ashamed to be with you.
380
00:14:48,472 --> 00:14:50,807
Okay, look, I won't go into your party
381
00:14:51,266 --> 00:14:52,392
if...
382
00:14:52,768 --> 00:14:54,978
If you go to breakfast with me tomorrow.
383
00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:56,605
In public.
384
00:14:57,689 --> 00:14:58,732
Yeah, okay.
385
00:14:58,899 --> 00:14:59,900
Oh, really?
386
00:14:59,983 --> 00:15:00,984
Really.
387
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:02,736
I mean, I can survive breakfast.
388
00:15:04,613 --> 00:15:05,822
I'll be back soon.
389
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:07,783
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING NEARBY)
390
00:15:07,866 --> 00:15:09,493
WOMAN: Hey, Wendy. How's it going?
391
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,662
(HELICOPTER FLYING OVERHEAD)
392
00:15:23,715 --> 00:15:24,800
I hope it works.
393
00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:26,844
I didn't get a chance to test it.
394
00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:29,054
(CHUCKLES) Even broken,
it's still got a shot at top prize.
395
00:15:29,137 --> 00:15:30,597
I mean, have you seen some of this crap?
396
00:15:30,681 --> 00:15:32,558
"What can old people do?"
397
00:15:32,641 --> 00:15:34,768
"Does it taste better with hot sauce?"
398
00:15:34,852 --> 00:15:35,894
My friends.
399
00:15:35,978 --> 00:15:37,312
Guess what I just learned.
400
00:15:37,396 --> 00:15:38,647
What's inside of a pumpkin.
401
00:15:39,565 --> 00:15:40,858
Apparently, a lot.
402
00:15:40,941 --> 00:15:41,942
I didn't know.
403
00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:43,110
(GIGGLES SOFTLY)
404
00:15:43,193 --> 00:15:44,820
Whoa!
405
00:15:45,404 --> 00:15:47,030
Winston, you have to get him out of here.
406
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:48,365
You see him, he's about to blow.
407
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,075
I'm not having him by himself right now.
408
00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:51,743
JESS: There's Brianna.
409
00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:55,747
Hi, Brianna.
410
00:15:55,831 --> 00:15:57,875
You must be Brianna's moms.
411
00:15:57,958 --> 00:15:59,001
I'm Miss Day.
412
00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:01,879
-Right. The singer.
-You're the one who sings.
413
00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:04,464
This is Brianna's project, a robotic arm.
414
00:16:04,882 --> 00:16:06,091
Start it up, Brianna.
415
00:16:08,177 --> 00:16:10,470
-(GASPS)
-(PEOPLE GASPING)
416
00:16:11,597 --> 00:16:12,806
(CHUCKLES)
417
00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:14,975
And a project bursts into flames.
418
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,352
Brianna, what happened?
419
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:19,396
Someone must have sabotaged it.
420
00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:22,107
Bet it was Nathaniel.
421
00:16:23,358 --> 00:16:25,319
Hey! Get my scissors out of your mouth!
422
00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,529
What is wrong with you?
423
00:16:28,363 --> 00:16:29,948
He's been creating problems
for our daughter.
424
00:16:30,032 --> 00:16:31,158
What are you gonna do about it?
425
00:16:31,241 --> 00:16:32,367
Nathaniel, come over here.
426
00:16:32,868 --> 00:16:35,579
Um, actually, uh...
427
00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:37,956
This is my fault.
428
00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:40,250
I sabotaged the science project.
429
00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:42,377
-You did what?
-What?
430
00:16:42,461 --> 00:16:44,087
And it was totally unprofessional.
431
00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:45,964
And I'm sorry,
432
00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:49,259
but your daughter is... How do I put this?
433
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:51,762
Brianna is difficult.
434
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:54,223
Difficult? You're the one
that sabotaged her project.
435
00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:56,600
You daughter sucks.
Okay, she is a demon seed,
436
00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:57,935
she is the spawn of Satan.
437
00:16:58,018 --> 00:17:00,145
And I do believe I speak
for the entire human race
438
00:17:00,229 --> 00:17:04,107
when I say that people
like her should not be building robots.
439
00:17:04,316 --> 00:17:05,651
Who are you?
440
00:17:05,734 --> 00:17:07,069
Brown lightning.
441
00:17:07,903 --> 00:17:09,238
I want her disciplined.
442
00:17:09,321 --> 00:17:11,114
NICK: No! No!
443
00:17:11,532 --> 00:17:12,950
-JESS: Wonderful.
-Hey, no.
444
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:14,243
No.
445
00:17:14,326 --> 00:17:18,080
Why can't we all just
love each other, right?
446
00:17:19,248 --> 00:17:20,374
(WHISPERS) What are you doing?
447
00:17:20,457 --> 00:17:22,668
Want a science project?
448
00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:25,754
How about this as a science project?
Love is a myth.
449
00:17:25,963 --> 00:17:29,258
Why is this earth
so big and I am so small?
450
00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:32,886
So, yay, earth.
451
00:17:32,970 --> 00:17:35,764
Be optimistic? Learn?
452
00:17:35,848 --> 00:17:37,349
We're all gonna die alone, so...
453
00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:39,184
(SOBBING)
454
00:17:42,938 --> 00:17:44,314
TANYA: My office, 9:00 a.m.
455
00:17:44,398 --> 00:17:46,149
NICK: (SOBBING)
I was right about the cactus.
456
00:17:53,282 --> 00:17:57,035
I assure you,
I'll be watching Miss Day very closely.
457
00:17:58,912 --> 00:17:59,913
Thank you.
458
00:18:00,205 --> 00:18:01,248
JESS: Hi.
459
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:05,210
I am so sorry, Tanya.
460
00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:07,004
Don't be. (GIGGLES)
461
00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:08,172
I love it!
462
00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:10,841
Jess, you're a real teacher now.
463
00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:12,926
-What?
-You're a kid-hater.
464
00:18:13,010 --> 00:18:14,219
You're one of us.
465
00:18:14,303 --> 00:18:16,597
Come here. Welcome.
466
00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:19,099
I'm... I'm not a kid-hater.
467
00:18:21,185 --> 00:18:22,269
That's right.
468
00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:24,605
None of us are.
469
00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:27,107
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
470
00:18:27,191 --> 00:18:28,233
Hey, Brianna.
471
00:18:28,317 --> 00:18:30,110
Can I speak to you?
472
00:18:31,445 --> 00:18:32,988
-BRIANNA: Hmm?
-Look,
473
00:18:33,071 --> 00:18:35,073
I know I'm not your favorite teacher.
474
00:18:35,157 --> 00:18:36,491
You don't like my style.
475
00:18:36,575 --> 00:18:37,743
That's fine.
476
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:39,995
But I'm not gonna change who I am,
477
00:18:40,078 --> 00:18:41,747
so you're just gonna have to deal with it
478
00:18:41,997 --> 00:18:43,165
and respect it.
479
00:18:43,415 --> 00:18:45,125
Also, you're gonna take this paper,
480
00:18:45,417 --> 00:18:47,127
and you're gonna sing a duet with me.
481
00:18:47,628 --> 00:18:48,629
What?
482
00:18:48,712 --> 00:18:50,631
Oh, yeah. Everybody, settle down.
483
00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:54,051
-Camera phones are encouraged.
-No.
484
00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:55,886
JESS: One, two, three, four.
485
00:18:57,054 --> 00:18:58,305
You really don't want to be seen
486
00:18:58,388 --> 00:19:00,224
having breakfast with me, do you?
487
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:01,600
Are we even still in LA?
488
00:19:01,767 --> 00:19:04,561
Schmidt, you and I are not together.
489
00:19:04,645 --> 00:19:06,813
We're not in a relationship.
490
00:19:06,897 --> 00:19:09,149
-We're just having sex.
-And I love it.
491
00:19:09,233 --> 00:19:12,152
And I'm not gonna be a prize
that you get to show off.
492
00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:19,159
Look, guys are always just showing me off,
493
00:19:19,243 --> 00:19:20,953
and I hate it.
494
00:19:21,203 --> 00:19:24,873
Look, I... I want to tell people
495
00:19:24,957 --> 00:19:28,919
because I think that you are the dopest,
496
00:19:29,044 --> 00:19:30,295
flyest,
497
00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:36,134
smartest, ballsiest, bitchiest,
498
00:19:36,218 --> 00:19:38,178
truly terrifying woman
499
00:19:38,929 --> 00:19:42,683
that I have
sexually enjoyed in a really long time.
500
00:19:48,605 --> 00:19:50,274
Do you want to tell the waitress?
501
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:52,150
Uh, if I could have everyone's attention.
502
00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:53,819
Real quick, if you could, uh...
503
00:19:53,902 --> 00:19:56,530
Hey, guys, call a time-out
to whatever... Whatever...
504
00:19:56,613 --> 00:19:58,574
Whatever that thing is. Okay, great.
505
00:19:59,074 --> 00:20:02,828
I am having sex
with this woman right here.
506
00:20:02,911 --> 00:20:03,912
You want to stand up?
507
00:20:03,996 --> 00:20:05,831
-No.
-Okay, you don't want to do it? All right.
508
00:20:06,164 --> 00:20:08,709
I'm enjoying myself immensely.
509
00:20:08,792 --> 00:20:11,712
Uh, it's, you know,
a physical thing, but I am definitely,
510
00:20:11,795 --> 00:20:14,173
for real having sex
511
00:20:14,256 --> 00:20:17,384
with this girl right here, to completion.
512
00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:23,807
Parkour!
513
00:20:23,891 --> 00:20:24,933
Hit it!
514
00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:26,393
Down! Hit it!
515
00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:28,145
Down! Hit it!
516
00:20:28,228 --> 00:20:29,229
(KNOCKING)
517
00:20:29,313 --> 00:20:30,689
NICK: Yeah.
518
00:20:34,902 --> 00:20:36,111
Hey.
519
00:20:39,281 --> 00:20:41,158
I got you a real plant.
520
00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:43,619
Yeah, I don't want it, Jess,
I'll just kill it.
521
00:20:43,911 --> 00:20:45,037
I know.
522
00:20:45,579 --> 00:20:47,164
You're a plant killer.
523
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:49,208
And I write songs.
524
00:20:49,291 --> 00:20:51,043
We're weirdos.
525
00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:52,961
But that's who we are.
526
00:20:53,045 --> 00:20:54,379
And that's fine.
527
00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:56,340
And you have a giant cactus needle
528
00:20:56,423 --> 00:20:57,758
sticking out of your face.
529
00:20:58,383 --> 00:21:00,010
What? Where is it?
530
00:21:00,511 --> 00:21:03,013
Can you get it out? Get it out. Ow.
531
00:21:03,222 --> 00:21:06,517
So it's time we all make a change
532
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:09,436
Find somewhere else for our loose change
533
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:12,272
The song is called
Let Me Lift You UpWith My Robot Arm?
534
00:21:12,356 --> 00:21:14,441
-Yeah.
-It's catchy.
535
00:21:14,525 --> 00:21:16,485
The title is flawed,
there's no question about that.
536
00:21:16,693 --> 00:21:19,488
But you are kicking ass with the comments.
537
00:21:19,821 --> 00:21:20,822
Look at this.
538
00:21:20,906 --> 00:21:22,658
"This teacher is muy caliente."
539
00:21:22,824 --> 00:21:25,327
-Hot, hot, hot.
-"I'd like to grade her on a curve."
540
00:21:25,410 --> 00:21:26,578
JESS: Yep.
541
00:21:26,662 --> 00:21:28,330
"Finally, entertainment that doesn't
542
00:21:28,413 --> 00:21:30,123
"resort to salty language."
543
00:21:30,207 --> 00:21:31,291
Finally.
544
00:21:32,084 --> 00:21:34,002
Jess, these commenters
are all you, aren't they?
545
00:21:34,086 --> 00:21:35,170
Yes. Yes, they are.
546
00:21:35,504 --> 00:21:36,672
My robot arm
547
00:21:36,755 --> 00:21:38,006
(WINSTON AND SCHMIDT CHUCKLING)
548
00:21:38,257 --> 00:21:39,883
My robot arm
38205
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