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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:03,962 NICK: It's classic Nick Miller. I'm holding your hand, and what? 2 00:00:04,171 --> 00:00:05,839 WINSTON: Yeah, I want to go out tonight. 3 00:00:05,923 --> 00:00:07,799 Ugh, couples! 4 00:00:07,883 --> 00:00:10,093 Boo. Hiss. 5 00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:12,471 Every time you have sex with the same person, Jess, 6 00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:14,848 you die just a little bit. 7 00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:17,017 It's like a copy of a copy. 8 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:19,186 But lucky us, we get to go out looking for some strange. 9 00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:21,188 -Happy V-Day, player! -Holla! 10 00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:23,524 Look, Jess, truth is, I don't go out on Valentine's Day. 11 00:00:23,607 --> 00:00:25,526 -What? -There's no thrill. 12 00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:28,070 You know, all these bars filled with emotionally vulnerable women. 13 00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:30,489 I'm like a Dominican teenager playing Little League. 14 00:00:30,572 --> 00:00:32,699 It's just not fair for everybody else. 15 00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:34,826 It's my first single Valentine's Day in six years, 16 00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:36,995 and I... I need to go out, okay? 17 00:00:37,079 --> 00:00:38,872 We need to go out. 18 00:00:38,956 --> 00:00:41,500 'Cause I'm feeling pretty twirly. 19 00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:43,460 -Twirly? -Twirly. 20 00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:46,296 -Is that like horny? -I got the dirty twirls, Schmidtty. 21 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:50,717 Watch out, 'cause you're about to get laid... world! 22 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,427 Who's that girl? 23 00:00:52,511 --> 00:00:53,554 Who's that girl? 24 00:00:53,637 --> 00:00:54,763 Who's that girl? 25 00:00:54,847 --> 00:00:55,848 Who's that girl? 26 00:00:55,931 --> 00:00:56,932 It's Jess! 27 00:00:58,100 --> 00:01:00,602 So, we're doing this. Full-on Valentine's. 28 00:01:00,686 --> 00:01:01,937 What'd you do last year? 29 00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,522 I was fighting with Caroline. 30 00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:04,731 What were you fighting about? 31 00:01:04,815 --> 00:01:06,024 Oh, you know, the usual. 32 00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:08,485 About how I make too much money and I dress too fancy 33 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,195 and I'm too good at communicating my feelings. 34 00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:11,530 -(WHISPERS) Right. -Well, this year 35 00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:12,614 we're gonna make up for it. 36 00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,116 You and me are gonna do 37 00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:16,827 a real Valentine's Day date. 38 00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:18,996 I know. God, what's the plan? 39 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,039 Well, first of all, you're gonna need a map of Arizona. 40 00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:22,249 I can get that. 41 00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:24,418 And a container that you're comfortable getting urine in. 42 00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:26,962 -Oh, I have one in my purse. -You do? 43 00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:29,214 No. Bad idea. 44 00:01:29,298 --> 00:01:31,592 You can't go on a first date on Valentine's Day, Winston. 45 00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:33,969 Dude, I'm telling you, it's not a first date, man. 46 00:01:34,052 --> 00:01:35,637 We used to hook up all the time. 47 00:01:35,721 --> 00:01:38,182 For two years I had her number stored in my phone as "Shretty" 48 00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:39,725 'cause I was too drunk to type "Shelby." 49 00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:41,059 She just wants a relaxed night in. 50 00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:43,061 It actually sounds kind of sexy. 51 00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:44,938 Dude, we're just trying to figure each other out. 52 00:01:45,022 --> 00:01:46,481 Know where that puts you in six months? 53 00:01:46,565 --> 00:01:48,066 Yeah, watching It's Complicated on DVD 54 00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:50,319 while you cradle your newborn baby to sleep. 55 00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:52,196 And guess what? It's not complicated. 56 00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:53,697 It's about a bunch of rich white people 57 00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:54,990 who are remodeling their kitchen. 58 00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:56,575 Are you sure you're really ready for that? 59 00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:57,993 Dude, it's gonna be great. 60 00:01:58,368 --> 00:01:59,661 What are you doing? 61 00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:00,913 I'm packing an overnight bag 62 00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,456 in case I have one-night sex. 63 00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:04,416 I've got a T-shirt, socks... 64 00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:05,584 Is this a sewing kit? 65 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:06,793 Yes, a sewing kit. 66 00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:09,505 Stain remover. (SING-SONG) Hello? 67 00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:12,508 You don't have one-night stands. You get way too attached. 68 00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:13,967 You could have an emotional connection 69 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:15,427 with a shoe on the side of the road. 70 00:02:15,511 --> 00:02:17,638 Oh, one shoe? I hate that. 71 00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:18,972 Is this Schmidt's idea? 72 00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:20,307 It's my idea. 73 00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:22,976 I want to try a one-night stand. Tonight... 74 00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:25,896 is all about what Little Jess wants. 75 00:02:27,022 --> 00:02:29,066 Little Jess. 76 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,859 Okay, all right. I am gonna text Kyle 77 00:02:30,943 --> 00:02:32,861 and tell him to meet us at the bar, 78 00:02:32,945 --> 00:02:34,780 because I'm not leaving you alone like this... 79 00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:36,156 with all of that. 80 00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:38,158 (SPRITZES) 81 00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:39,493 (SPRITZES) 82 00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:40,953 I'm sorry, I don't know 83 00:02:41,036 --> 00:02:43,080 who's smelling what tonight. 84 00:02:43,622 --> 00:02:45,707 Excuse me, you know where Julia Cleary's office is? 85 00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:47,417 Uh, does she need to sign for something? 86 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,086 Little late for a package, isn't it? 87 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,587 Let me guess, your bike broke down. 88 00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:51,797 Fixed-gear, single-speed. 89 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,340 I've been rocking a three-speed. 90 00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:54,591 No, I'm not a bike messenger. 91 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:55,926 -Follow me. -Okay. 92 00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,261 CLIFF: She can get pretty cranky 93 00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:58,554 when she gets interrupted, 94 00:02:58,637 --> 00:03:00,973 but I'll tell you what, I would still hit that. 95 00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,307 I mean, despite the age difference, 96 00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:04,560 I would just take that to Pound Town. 97 00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,103 You know what I mean? 98 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,272 Just take her on a visit to the boneyard. 99 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:09,398 You know what I'm saying. 100 00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:11,733 Hey, Nick. 101 00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:12,860 That's my boyfriend, Nick. 102 00:03:12,943 --> 00:03:14,862 Hi. That's my little intern, Cliff. 103 00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:16,154 -Excuse me, Cliff. -What? 104 00:03:16,238 --> 00:03:17,614 Could you get him a water? 105 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,283 Thank you. 106 00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:20,450 Hey, Cliff. 107 00:03:21,952 --> 00:03:23,036 Thanks, Cliff. 108 00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:26,248 Sorry it's such a mess in here. 109 00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:28,000 But... I went full out 110 00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:29,793 with the cheesy Valentine's Day stuff. 111 00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,128 Are you ready for it? 112 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,880 -What did you do? -Ha-ha! 113 00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:34,631 Heart boxers! These are the best! 114 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:35,716 -Right? -I'm putting them on 115 00:03:35,799 --> 00:03:36,800 right now over my pants. 116 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,595 -You can't stop me. -I don't want to stop you, because I... 117 00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:41,555 am gonna be rockin' this action. 118 00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:44,141 You were born to wear that thing. 119 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,684 We can never talk about any of this. 120 00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:46,977 Okay. Can we go? 121 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:50,022 I have a little bit more work to do. Just, like, an hour. 122 00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:52,107 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 123 00:03:53,317 --> 00:03:55,485 -WINSTON: Hey, babe. -Ooh, you brought wine. 124 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,321 -Yeah. -Good. We're almost out. 125 00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,405 It's not the food! 126 00:03:58,488 --> 00:04:00,240 Come on in. Pick out a polish. 127 00:04:00,324 --> 00:04:02,367 He looks like a player. 128 00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:04,536 -(DOOR CLOSES) -Ah. Never mind. 129 00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:06,788 I thought we said no guys. 130 00:04:06,872 --> 00:04:09,625 -(SIGHS) -I am not touching his feet. 131 00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,168 -I'm not kidding you. -That's amazing. 132 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,794 Where's what's-his-name? 133 00:04:12,878 --> 00:04:15,130 We are actually gonna meet up later, because 134 00:04:15,214 --> 00:04:17,049 he's got a little surprise for me. 135 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,384 Spoiler. It's his penis. 136 00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:21,428 Okay, stop. Enough. Pay attention. 137 00:04:21,512 --> 00:04:22,930 -You're from Oregon? -Yeah. 138 00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,890 -JESS: I'm from Oregon. -Oh, no. What? 139 00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:26,517 I mean, how often do you meet Oregonians? 140 00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:27,684 MAN: I don't know. 141 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:28,810 Could you hold on one second? 142 00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:30,437 -Yeah. Sure. -Okay. 143 00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:33,482 Oh, my God, he's from Oregon. I'm from Oregon. 144 00:04:33,565 --> 00:04:34,775 -Bad idea. -No, you can't do this. 145 00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:35,943 SCHMIDT: Horrible. CECE: Sorry. 146 00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:37,027 You bonded emotionally. 147 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,362 If you end up having sex with him, 148 00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:40,989 it's gonna be missionary with a lot of eye contact. 149 00:04:41,073 --> 00:04:42,616 Look, that is not one-night-stand material. 150 00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:44,826 You got to listen to him. He's right on this one. Sorry. 151 00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:46,286 SCHMIDT: I know what I'm talking about. 152 00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:47,538 I have my 10,000 hours. 153 00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,248 Outliers. You should read it. 154 00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:50,457 Malcolm Gladwell. 155 00:04:50,541 --> 00:04:51,959 It's one of my desert island books. 156 00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:53,961 Along with Machiavelli's The Prince, 157 00:04:54,044 --> 00:04:56,171 Freak by John Leguizamo, any of the scripts 158 00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:57,840 from the first season of Vampire Diaries, 159 00:04:57,923 --> 00:05:00,259 -a little Phantom T. -I love Phantom Tollbooth. 160 00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:02,886 Of course you do, you're a human being. 161 00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,388 So no connection? 162 00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,515 -Zero. -Sorry, babe. No. 163 00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:11,728 Good girl. 164 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,730 (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) 165 00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:18,068 Hey. 166 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:20,279 Could I have your cherry? 167 00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:22,030 -Sure. -Cool. 168 00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:26,869 Sorry. 169 00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:29,997 (MOANS) 170 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,081 (GAGS) 171 00:05:32,583 --> 00:05:33,584 (COUGHS LOUDLY) 172 00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:36,003 (COUGHING, GAGGING) 173 00:05:38,130 --> 00:05:39,506 (CONTINUES GAGGING) 174 00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:42,551 You okay, lady? 175 00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,094 Hmm. 176 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:46,722 Schwing! 177 00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:54,521 Hey, guys. Um, this is Oliver. 178 00:05:54,605 --> 00:05:57,149 Um, Oliver is a... 179 00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:58,609 -Web creator. -Web creator. 180 00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:03,113 -Uh, also, we both love... lunch. -Lunch. 181 00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:04,573 Love lunch. 182 00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,158 -You're kidding. -Wow, what a coincidence. 183 00:06:06,241 --> 00:06:07,492 When people talk about breakfast 184 00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:09,536 being the most important meal of the day, 185 00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:12,414 -I'm, like, what? -What... is that? 186 00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:14,541 What about lunch, man? 187 00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:18,712 You want another drink? 188 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,255 (AS MAE WEST) If I didn't know ya better, 189 00:06:20,339 --> 00:06:22,007 I'd think you're tryin' to liquor me up! 190 00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,467 Why are you talking like that? 191 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,761 (CHUCKLES) Oh, Oliver... 192 00:06:25,844 --> 00:06:27,804 We have nothing in common. 193 00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:30,349 (JESS LAUGHS) 194 00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:34,895 Yes! I have no emotional connection to him at all. 195 00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:37,648 But I'm just gonna eat lunch off that butt. 196 00:06:39,525 --> 00:06:40,692 So, what about you? 197 00:06:40,776 --> 00:06:43,028 What about that redhead? I thought you totally had that. 198 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:44,655 SCHMIDT: Oh, that's in process. 199 00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:47,407 This is where I do this kind of, like, look thing, 200 00:06:47,491 --> 00:06:49,743 where, like, my confusion makes her confused, 201 00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:51,286 and then also kind of hot. 202 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:54,122 Let me help you. 203 00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:56,875 I'm gonna make her jealous. 204 00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:58,460 All right, can you... Can you stop? 205 00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:01,922 Cece, you are way too beautiful. 206 00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,841 She'll think she doesn't have a shot with me. 207 00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:05,551 Can you stop looking at me like that, please? 208 00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:07,469 What look? I'm not even looking at you. 209 00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,680 The pouty one, the naughty baby Indian. 210 00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:12,307 (IN INDIAN ACCENT) I just ate something spicy, and my lip is swollen. 211 00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,309 Baby! Hi! 212 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:15,894 CECE: Hey! 213 00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:18,272 All right, just get in there, man. 214 00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:19,982 Clean it all out. 215 00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:21,191 Like a dentist. 216 00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:22,359 Hey! 217 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,152 -Hey-hey-hey-hey! -Wow! 218 00:07:24,236 --> 00:07:25,320 Look, look. 219 00:07:25,404 --> 00:07:27,823 Surprise! 'Shrooms. 220 00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:30,242 -Oh, Kyle, you really shouldn't have. -I ate three. 221 00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:31,451 I ate three. Three. 222 00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:32,786 On a pizza! 223 00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:33,871 Look at you, man. 224 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,289 You're a champion. 225 00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:38,125 Okay, um, we're gonna go, 'cause he's about to get real handsy 226 00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:39,585 and a little racist. 227 00:07:39,668 --> 00:07:41,295 So, you'll watch Jess? 228 00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:44,214 -Yeah, yeah, I will. -Okay. Let's go, Kyle. 229 00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:45,757 Schmidtty, Schmidtty, Schmidtty. 230 00:07:46,008 --> 00:07:48,385 Hey, um, so, I'm gonna go home with Oliver. 231 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,304 Great! I'm so happy... 232 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:51,972 Hey, three words: 233 00:07:52,264 --> 00:07:53,348 double bag it. 234 00:07:53,432 --> 00:07:55,726 I got that covered. Um... 235 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,186 These guys... 236 00:07:57,269 --> 00:07:59,062 -Hundy pack, so... -A hundred condoms? 237 00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,439 Are you gonna have sex with an army? 238 00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:02,608 Oh, I'm gonna get up in it, mon 239 00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:04,985 That's the biggest box of condoms I've ever seen, honestly. 240 00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,320 Does it have, like, a roller? 241 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,238 Like, you know, you go through the airport with it? 242 00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:09,948 I'm gonna rip him a new one. 243 00:08:10,032 --> 00:08:11,116 Very intimidating. 244 00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:13,994 A normal man can go maybe three times in a night, 245 00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,454 depending on how much salmon he's had. 246 00:08:15,537 --> 00:08:18,373 He's literally the most boring person I've ever met. 247 00:08:18,457 --> 00:08:20,876 He's described every lunch he's had this week, 248 00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:22,711 and three of them were tacos. 249 00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:24,880 -My work here is done. -Not really. 250 00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:26,882 Little favor. He doesn't have a car, 251 00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:28,967 I don't have a car, 'cause I came with you, so I... 252 00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:30,719 Oh, no, no, no, no. 253 00:08:30,802 --> 00:08:32,012 No. 254 00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:34,848 One of the tacos had extra cheese, 255 00:08:34,932 --> 00:08:37,267 and the other one had avocados. 256 00:08:37,351 --> 00:08:38,644 And cheese. 257 00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:41,522 And cheese, actually. (CHUCKLES) 258 00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:46,360 Well, I guess it's time to take that Chinese head 259 00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,362 out of that Chinese ass, Ming. 260 00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:49,947 (QUIETLY) That's so sweet. 261 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,698 I love that. Thank you. 262 00:08:51,782 --> 00:08:53,158 Hey, I pushed the reservation to 8:30. 263 00:08:53,242 --> 00:08:55,327 Okay, I just need 40 to 50 more minutes, okay? 264 00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:56,453 -I'm sorry. -No, no, no. 265 00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:58,872 Hey, Confucius say, 266 00:08:58,956 --> 00:09:00,749 "You work for me." 267 00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:04,086 (CELL PHONE RINGS) 268 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,048 What, Winston? 269 00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:10,509 Hey, man, look, I'm sorry to call you, I know you're at dinner. 270 00:09:10,592 --> 00:09:13,095 No, I'm not, Winston. I'm actually hanging out with a guy named Cliff. 271 00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:15,222 Are we hanging out? That's awesome. 272 00:09:15,639 --> 00:09:16,890 Listen, man, I'm at Shelby's house 273 00:09:16,974 --> 00:09:18,267 and there's two other girls here. 274 00:09:18,350 --> 00:09:19,351 Drinking cranberry juice, 275 00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,186 talking about Michelle Obama's upper-body workout. 276 00:09:21,270 --> 00:09:22,771 I got a nose strip on my face, man. 277 00:09:22,855 --> 00:09:24,147 -So leave. -It's just that... 278 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,108 I really enjoy being around this girl. 279 00:09:26,358 --> 00:09:27,526 All right, so stay. 280 00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:29,111 You know what, I'm gonna stay. I'm gonna... 281 00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:36,159 Can I ask you something? With her, the... 282 00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:40,914 is it... Is it gentle, or is it... Not so gentle? 283 00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:43,292 You know what I mean? 284 00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:47,129 Yeah, I'm gonna act like you didn't just say that, Cliff. 285 00:09:47,212 --> 00:09:48,422 Fair enough. 286 00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:50,257 JULIA: Yeah, Ming, I got your text. 287 00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,176 What part of that did you not understand? 288 00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:53,635 Do you want some champagne, Cliff? 289 00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:55,888 (CAR ALARM BLARING) 290 00:09:56,388 --> 00:09:58,599 (QUIET MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) 291 00:09:59,308 --> 00:10:02,895 (MAN ON TV GASPING QUIETLY) 292 00:10:04,188 --> 00:10:06,857 MAN ON TV: What is that? Is he injured? 293 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,358 MAN 2: No, I think... 294 00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:09,693 Pause. Pause. 295 00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,820 Why are you pausing the movie? 296 00:10:11,904 --> 00:10:13,030 Bathroom break. 297 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,823 It's right in the middle of the movie. What... 298 00:10:14,907 --> 00:10:16,033 What's wrong with him? 299 00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,284 Why are you still here? 300 00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:18,911 You don't have a car, he doesn't have a car. 301 00:10:18,994 --> 00:10:20,162 How you gonna get home? 302 00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:22,164 I'm gonna take a cab, Schmidt. 303 00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:23,790 It's a horrible neighborhood, okay? 304 00:10:24,208 --> 00:10:25,667 There are youths everywhere. 305 00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:28,504 -Youths? Are you Officer Krupke? -(PHONE RINGING) 306 00:10:28,587 --> 00:10:30,839 Would you... Damn it. 307 00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:32,799 It's Cece. Hello? 308 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,260 Why are you crashing Jess' one-night stand? 309 00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:37,095 He asked if I wanted to watch Planet of the Apes. 310 00:10:37,179 --> 00:10:38,680 -I didn't know he meant now. -Ugh. 311 00:10:38,764 --> 00:10:40,641 -What's wrong with you? -Hate you. Tell him to leave. 312 00:10:40,766 --> 00:10:42,351 -Get out of there, Schmidt. -(CLATTERING) 313 00:10:42,434 --> 00:10:43,977 Leave your car there, 314 00:10:44,061 --> 00:10:45,270 and I'll come get you, okay? 315 00:10:45,521 --> 00:10:46,688 What is going on over there? 316 00:10:46,772 --> 00:10:47,856 Where are you? Where's Kyle? 317 00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:49,733 I'm at a playground. 318 00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:51,026 Kyle's shrooming. 319 00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:52,319 Woo, woo. 320 00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:53,487 I'll see you guys later. 321 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,074 I love brown people! 322 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,700 CECE: That's racist, Kyle. 323 00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:00,118 Excuse me. 324 00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:01,495 Back to the movie. 325 00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:04,456 Ready? 326 00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:05,541 -Yeah. -Yeah. 327 00:11:08,252 --> 00:11:10,254 These monkeys look so real. 328 00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:11,338 Apes. 329 00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:12,422 They're apes. 330 00:11:12,798 --> 00:11:14,591 Oh. You're one of those? 331 00:11:14,675 --> 00:11:16,176 -Get out. -Like there's a real difference? 332 00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:17,719 -Get out now! -All right. 333 00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:20,681 (DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE) 334 00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:26,395 (SIGHS) 335 00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:28,105 Youths! 336 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:29,648 You know what, Cliff? 337 00:11:30,107 --> 00:11:32,484 I'm sorry, I'm just feeling very romantic, 338 00:11:32,568 --> 00:11:35,362 and I have nowhere else to put it, so happy Valentine's Day, good-looking. 339 00:11:35,821 --> 00:11:37,406 -You know what? -What? 340 00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:40,117 Put it right here. 'Cause I like it. 341 00:11:41,285 --> 00:11:43,328 So how did you get that far into law school 342 00:11:43,412 --> 00:11:44,496 and then drop out? 343 00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:47,082 -Well, I got my heart broken. -Yeah. 344 00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:48,667 And then everything got weird. 345 00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,503 I started playing guitar in an alt-country-ska band. 346 00:11:51,587 --> 00:11:52,588 Sure. 347 00:11:52,671 --> 00:11:54,423 -Gambling a lot. -Yeah. 348 00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,925 There was a really weird week where I wore a long blonde wig 349 00:11:57,009 --> 00:11:58,760 and I made everybody call me Sandy Ferguson. 350 00:11:58,969 --> 00:12:00,971 I have never loved anyone that much. 351 00:12:01,138 --> 00:12:03,557 Then I drove to Mexico, and I tried to enter a cockfight. 352 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:04,725 As a person? 353 00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:06,643 Yes, Cliff, as a person. 354 00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,395 -(CHEERING) -Come on! 355 00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:10,314 Get me out of here! 356 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,232 Help! Help! 357 00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:15,319 I've had a tough couple of days, Freddie. 358 00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:17,696 The point of the story is I looked around at my life 359 00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:20,824 and I realized that I didn't want to work for somebody else 360 00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:21,950 my whole life. 361 00:12:22,034 --> 00:12:23,994 That is exactly how I feel, man. 362 00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,038 Yeah, but the second half of that story 363 00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,706 is how I went broke and started working 364 00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:29,166 for somebody else my whole life. 365 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,502 Okay, what was that? 366 00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:32,711 I don't want to be a lawyer. 367 00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:33,795 I don't want to do this. 368 00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:35,589 -Don't do this. Not tonight. -I'm leaving. 369 00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:37,049 -I'm leaving tonight. -Oh, Cliff. 370 00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:39,551 Look what I found under a pile of depositions. 371 00:12:39,635 --> 00:12:41,512 -I'm quitting! -What? 372 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,388 Nick convinced me that I can't waste my life 373 00:12:43,472 --> 00:12:44,556 doing your stapling anymore. 374 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:46,266 I never said anything like that, Julia. 375 00:12:46,642 --> 00:12:50,062 Not doing it anymore. I'm not working all night on Valentine's Day. 376 00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:51,396 I'm just gonna get in my car, 377 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:54,066 and I'm just gonna drive until I see the sun. 378 00:12:54,149 --> 00:12:55,776 'Cause it's got to be shining somewhere. 379 00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:57,653 And for once in my life, 380 00:12:57,736 --> 00:12:59,863 I'm gonna spend some time with my birds. 381 00:12:59,947 --> 00:13:01,031 -Whoo! -JULIA: No, Cliff! 382 00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:04,034 We're gonna start paying you so soon! 383 00:13:05,786 --> 00:13:07,538 Julia, I am so sorry. 384 00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:10,624 I just told him a story about when I got arrested in Mexico. 385 00:13:10,749 --> 00:13:12,167 You got arrested in Mexico? 386 00:13:12,251 --> 00:13:14,503 I wasn't gonna tell you until after you got knocked up 387 00:13:14,586 --> 00:13:15,796 and were stuck with me. 388 00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:17,464 -Now I got to do all this stuff. -I know. 389 00:13:17,548 --> 00:13:20,133 -I'm sorry. -Just go home, Nick. 390 00:13:20,217 --> 00:13:21,969 -Sorry. -I'll call you tomorrow. 391 00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,222 APE ON TV: No! 392 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,431 (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) 393 00:13:27,099 --> 00:13:28,183 What? 394 00:13:28,267 --> 00:13:29,560 Are you kidding me? 395 00:13:29,893 --> 00:13:31,353 Hey, Amy. 396 00:13:31,687 --> 00:13:33,063 Uh, this is my ex, Amy. 397 00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,273 We broke up last week. 398 00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:35,983 She can't afford to move out 399 00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:37,234 -'cause she doesn't work. -What? 400 00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:39,778 Hey, so how was your night? 401 00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:42,322 Are you serious right now, Oliver? 402 00:13:42,698 --> 00:13:44,241 -Um, hey. -Yeah. 403 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,450 -I'm Jess. -Oh. 404 00:13:45,534 --> 00:13:46,618 (DOOR OPENS) 405 00:13:46,702 --> 00:13:47,703 Hey. 406 00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:49,955 Who is she? 407 00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:51,623 What are you doing here, Cece? 408 00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:53,750 Sorry, I just came to get Schmidt. 409 00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:56,170 Schmidt left, like, an hour ago. 410 00:13:56,253 --> 00:13:57,337 No, no, I didn't. 411 00:13:57,421 --> 00:13:58,422 Are you kidding me? 412 00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:01,258 My tires were stolen by street youths. 413 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:02,342 Ugh! 414 00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:05,137 KYLE: Hey, did I pee my pants? 415 00:14:05,304 --> 00:14:06,889 Friends, did I pee in my pants? 416 00:14:06,972 --> 00:14:08,765 -No, Kyle, you're just on drugs. -Guys? 417 00:14:08,891 --> 00:14:09,975 He definitely peed, I can see. 418 00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,768 See! See! 419 00:14:12,186 --> 00:14:13,312 Who's the idiot now? 420 00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:15,230 Okay, all of you, get out of here. 421 00:14:15,314 --> 00:14:17,024 -I peed my pants. -We got to get out of... Oh. 422 00:14:17,107 --> 00:14:18,150 -Mmm. -Mmm. 423 00:14:18,317 --> 00:14:19,776 This guy's like a magician. 424 00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:22,821 How does it feel, Oliver? 425 00:14:23,739 --> 00:14:25,490 Okay, uh, Kyle, 426 00:14:25,574 --> 00:14:27,117 I'm the one you're gonna sleep with tonight, 427 00:14:27,201 --> 00:14:28,202 so we got to... 428 00:14:30,287 --> 00:14:33,081 -What are you gonna do now? -(LAUGHS) You're cute. 429 00:14:33,165 --> 00:14:34,416 (GRUNTING AND YELLING) 430 00:14:34,833 --> 00:14:35,834 Okay, okay. 431 00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:36,919 Okay. 432 00:14:37,002 --> 00:14:38,587 -My man! -AMY: Get out of my house! 433 00:14:39,963 --> 00:14:41,340 (WOMEN YELLING) 434 00:14:41,423 --> 00:14:42,966 -CECE: I will murder you! -Bye! 435 00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:44,551 (CECE YELLING) 436 00:14:44,635 --> 00:14:46,428 -What? -JESS: Hey, Kyle. Hey. 437 00:14:46,512 --> 00:14:47,596 It's a stick. 438 00:14:47,679 --> 00:14:49,973 -Go get it. -KYLE: Ooh, shiny! 439 00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:51,975 Whoo. 440 00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:54,019 What does a girl got to do 441 00:14:54,102 --> 00:14:56,355 to get a one-night stand around here? 442 00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:58,357 Sorry. 443 00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:04,446 This sangria is amazing, Winston. 444 00:15:04,530 --> 00:15:07,783 My grandmother's recipe, so I can't take credit for that. 445 00:15:07,866 --> 00:15:09,493 But seriously, Tia, 446 00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:12,412 you don't want a man who has fancier underpants than you. 447 00:15:12,496 --> 00:15:14,206 -I keep trying to tell her that. -It's true. 448 00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:17,000 You want to have the fanciest drawers in the relationship. Boom. 449 00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:18,335 -TIA: Wow. -Hmm. 450 00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:19,920 (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) 451 00:15:20,003 --> 00:15:21,129 (CRUNCHING) 452 00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:27,594 (CRUNCHING) 453 00:15:33,851 --> 00:15:35,811 Hey, are you gonna be done soon? 454 00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:37,604 Maybe. 455 00:15:39,398 --> 00:15:41,066 (CRUNCHING) 456 00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:43,068 She can't keep eating tacos all night. 457 00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:44,194 Yeah. 458 00:15:44,278 --> 00:15:46,113 Because I ate most of the tacos yesterday. 459 00:15:46,196 --> 00:15:47,823 You know what? 460 00:15:48,365 --> 00:15:49,575 I can't do this. 461 00:15:50,284 --> 00:15:52,911 You're a really great guy, and, um... 462 00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:55,163 I mean, I don't know that, um, 463 00:15:55,247 --> 00:15:58,834 but honestly, I was just gonna use you as a giant meat puppet. 464 00:15:59,877 --> 00:16:01,795 AMY: I'm looking pretty good right now. 465 00:16:01,879 --> 00:16:03,338 It's just so hard, you know? 466 00:16:04,256 --> 00:16:06,758 I feel so alone sometimes. 467 00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:10,179 And I lied to you. 468 00:16:10,262 --> 00:16:12,973 I'm not a web creator. 469 00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:14,975 I'm not a player. 470 00:16:18,896 --> 00:16:20,564 (CRYING) 471 00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:23,942 -I miss her so much. -Oh, 472 00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:25,777 she's in... She's just in the kitchen. 473 00:16:25,861 --> 00:16:27,696 -(BLENDER WHIRS) -OLIVER: Baby! 474 00:16:27,779 --> 00:16:29,072 Can you make me a smoothie? 475 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,079 NICK: You know, just making copies. 476 00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:37,331 Did you do all of this? 477 00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:38,540 -I did. -No. 478 00:16:38,624 --> 00:16:40,250 -Yeah. -Really? 479 00:16:40,334 --> 00:16:42,503 And I just want you to know that there's a photocopy 480 00:16:42,586 --> 00:16:44,713 of my butt somewhere in your recycling bin. 481 00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:46,006 Okay. 482 00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:48,258 I had a weird moment, Julia, and I went for it. 483 00:16:48,342 --> 00:16:49,718 Okay, and if anyone finds it, 484 00:16:49,801 --> 00:16:51,970 I want them to know that I moved during the copy, 485 00:16:52,054 --> 00:16:54,264 and I don't actually have two butt cracks. 486 00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:55,390 I know. 487 00:16:56,642 --> 00:16:57,809 What? 488 00:16:58,101 --> 00:17:00,938 I've never ever cared 489 00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:02,523 about Valentine's Day before. 490 00:17:02,606 --> 00:17:04,358 Neither have I. 491 00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:05,567 But it's nice. 492 00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:07,486 -Yeah. -Right? 493 00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:15,118 You did all the work wrong, though. 494 00:17:15,911 --> 00:17:17,829 -Yeah, I know I did. -That's okay. 495 00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:20,415 (PHONE RINGING) 496 00:17:24,336 --> 00:17:26,588 (RINGING CONTINUES) 497 00:17:26,672 --> 00:17:28,340 I'm sorry. 498 00:17:28,423 --> 00:17:30,050 No, no, no, do what you got to do. 499 00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:32,469 Hi, Ming. 500 00:17:32,553 --> 00:17:33,846 Yeah, I got your text. 501 00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:35,556 And yeah, it was wrong, 502 00:17:35,639 --> 00:17:38,475 just like every single other text you've sent me tonight. 503 00:17:38,559 --> 00:17:39,893 (WHISPERING) Call I call you tomorrow? 504 00:17:39,977 --> 00:17:41,603 -Yeah, it's fine, go. -I'm sorry. 505 00:17:42,688 --> 00:17:43,689 Are you really... 506 00:17:43,772 --> 00:17:45,065 Are you arguing with me about that? 507 00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:47,693 Are you actually arguing with me about that? 508 00:17:47,860 --> 00:17:50,362 -Bye. -Bye, girl, thank you. 509 00:17:50,445 --> 00:17:52,239 -Bye. -Bye, Shel. 510 00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:56,076 SHELBY: That was fun. 511 00:17:56,159 --> 00:17:57,870 Any time. 512 00:17:58,871 --> 00:18:01,039 So, you weren't expecting 513 00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:02,124 a girls' night, were you? 514 00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:03,750 (LAUGHING) Not really. 515 00:18:05,002 --> 00:18:06,378 You know, Tia needed some tough love. 516 00:18:10,591 --> 00:18:12,176 You keep doing it. 517 00:18:12,885 --> 00:18:13,886 What? 518 00:18:14,678 --> 00:18:16,930 Making up for how you used to be. 519 00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,058 You don't remember? 520 00:18:20,142 --> 00:18:22,686 Valentine's Day, 2008? 521 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,354 You said you'd call. 522 00:18:24,438 --> 00:18:25,606 You didn't. 523 00:18:29,193 --> 00:18:30,986 (SIGHS) Um... 524 00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:33,739 I waited all night. 525 00:18:36,575 --> 00:18:39,828 Okay, I don't deserve a second chance with you, do I? 526 00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,206 But here you are. 527 00:18:43,457 --> 00:18:44,625 Getting one. 528 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:54,927 SCHMIDT: Oh. JESS: Hey. 529 00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:57,763 Hey, what are you doing home so soon? 530 00:18:57,846 --> 00:19:00,098 Well, I helped him get back together with his ex-girlfriend. 531 00:19:00,182 --> 00:19:01,642 -(SIGHS) -He made me video-chat 532 00:19:01,725 --> 00:19:03,435 with his mom in Hawaii for a couple minutes, 533 00:19:03,519 --> 00:19:05,938 and then, um, I came home, so... 534 00:19:06,021 --> 00:19:07,523 Jess, you don't your first one-night stand 535 00:19:07,606 --> 00:19:09,191 to be with some total stranger. 536 00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:10,859 You got to pick someone who you know, 537 00:19:10,943 --> 00:19:12,736 who's not gonna make a big deal of the whole thing. 538 00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:15,280 -Hmm. -You have an urge, you act on it. 539 00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:16,657 -(SOFTLY) Right. -And... 540 00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:18,242 (SIGHS) Whatever you do, 541 00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:21,078 leave immediately afterwards. 542 00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:23,580 God help you if you get sucked into a brunch. 543 00:19:23,664 --> 00:19:26,416 -Thanks, Schmidt. -Come here. 544 00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:28,877 You smell good. 545 00:19:28,961 --> 00:19:31,171 It's probably the oil of the ylang-ylang tree. 546 00:19:31,255 --> 00:19:32,506 (JESS LAUGHS) 547 00:19:36,093 --> 00:19:38,011 -Don't over-think it. -Okay. 548 00:19:47,104 --> 00:19:48,105 (DOOR CLOSES) 549 00:19:48,188 --> 00:19:49,398 Don't over-think it. 550 00:19:49,731 --> 00:19:51,775 Don't over... 551 00:19:52,317 --> 00:19:54,152 Don't over-think it. 552 00:20:07,583 --> 00:20:08,709 (QUIETLY) Schmidt? 553 00:20:08,792 --> 00:20:10,085 NICK: Hey, Jess, what are you doing? 554 00:20:13,505 --> 00:20:15,799 (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) I was asking Schmidt a question. 555 00:20:15,883 --> 00:20:17,134 -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -What? 556 00:20:17,926 --> 00:20:18,927 Were you... 557 00:20:19,011 --> 00:20:20,554 -What? No. -...with Schmidt? 558 00:20:20,637 --> 00:20:22,139 No! No. 559 00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:24,892 I was holding those, but I... 560 00:20:25,434 --> 00:20:26,727 Oh, my God. 561 00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:28,520 -What has gotten into you? -No. No. 562 00:20:28,604 --> 00:20:30,480 -Why do you have so many condoms? -Shh! Don't ever... 563 00:20:30,564 --> 00:20:32,149 Shh! Don't ever speak of this again. 564 00:20:32,232 --> 00:20:34,568 You need one. Tops, two. Let's go. 565 00:20:34,651 --> 00:20:36,278 -We'll get these later. -I was feeling twirly. 566 00:20:36,361 --> 00:20:37,529 -Nick, Nick... -No! 567 00:20:37,613 --> 00:20:39,781 You're not having sex with Schmidt. 568 00:20:39,865 --> 00:20:41,658 (MUFFLED) This is a danger zone for you. 569 00:20:41,742 --> 00:20:43,410 What is happening out there? 570 00:20:43,493 --> 00:20:44,703 Stop, do not move, okay? 571 00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:46,496 -What? Why? -Because if somebody catches us, 572 00:20:46,580 --> 00:20:48,457 I'm gonna say you drugged me. My word against yours. 573 00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:49,708 -Okay? -Okay, yeah. 574 00:20:49,791 --> 00:20:51,835 That fine, that makes sense. 575 00:20:52,794 --> 00:20:54,254 You smell so good right now. 576 00:20:59,134 --> 00:21:02,763 You are not gonna believe the stupid thing I almost did last night. 577 00:21:02,846 --> 00:21:04,181 CECE: Tell me. 578 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:07,267 Okay, but you have to promise never to tell anyone, ever. 579 00:21:07,559 --> 00:21:10,479 Of course, out with it. Tell me. 580 00:21:11,230 --> 00:21:16,109 Okay, I almost tried to hook up with Schmidt 581 00:21:16,235 --> 00:21:17,736 last night. 582 00:21:24,201 --> 00:21:27,704 -That would have been crazy. -I know! 583 00:21:27,788 --> 00:21:29,748 Can you imagine? Ugh. 584 00:21:29,873 --> 00:21:35,045 I cannot. I got to go, okay? Bye. 40756

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