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1
00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:03,962
NICK: It's classic Nick Miller.
I'm holding your hand, and what?
2
00:00:04,171 --> 00:00:05,839
WINSTON: Yeah, I want to go out tonight.
3
00:00:05,923 --> 00:00:07,799
Ugh, couples!
4
00:00:07,883 --> 00:00:10,093
Boo. Hiss.
5
00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:12,471
Every time you have sex
with the same person, Jess,
6
00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:14,848
you die just a little bit.
7
00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:17,017
It's like a copy of a copy.
8
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:19,186
But lucky us, we get to go
out looking for some strange.
9
00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:21,188
-Happy V-Day, player!
-Holla!
10
00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:23,524
Look, Jess, truth is,
I don't go out on Valentine's Day.
11
00:00:23,607 --> 00:00:25,526
-What?
-There's no thrill.
12
00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:28,070
You know, all these bars
filled with emotionally vulnerable women.
13
00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:30,489
I'm like a Dominican teenager
playing Little League.
14
00:00:30,572 --> 00:00:32,699
It's just not fair for everybody else.
15
00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:34,826
It's my first single
Valentine's Day in six years,
16
00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:36,995
and I... I need to go out, okay?
17
00:00:37,079 --> 00:00:38,872
We need to go out.
18
00:00:38,956 --> 00:00:41,500
'Cause I'm feeling pretty twirly.
19
00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:43,460
-Twirly?
-Twirly.
20
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:46,296
-Is that like horny?
-I got the dirty twirls, Schmidtty.
21
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:50,717
Watch out, 'cause you're
about to get laid... world!
22
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,427
Who's that girl?
23
00:00:52,511 --> 00:00:53,554
Who's that girl?
24
00:00:53,637 --> 00:00:54,763
Who's that girl?
25
00:00:54,847 --> 00:00:55,848
Who's that girl?
26
00:00:55,931 --> 00:00:56,932
It's Jess!
27
00:00:58,100 --> 00:01:00,602
So, we're doing this.
Full-on Valentine's.
28
00:01:00,686 --> 00:01:01,937
What'd you do last year?
29
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,522
I was fighting with Caroline.
30
00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:04,731
What were you fighting about?
31
00:01:04,815 --> 00:01:06,024
Oh, you know, the usual.
32
00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:08,485
About how I make too much money
and I dress too fancy
33
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,195
and I'm too good
at communicating my feelings.
34
00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:11,530
-(WHISPERS) Right.
-Well, this year
35
00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:12,614
we're gonna make up for it.
36
00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,116
You and me are gonna do
37
00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:16,827
a real Valentine's Day date.
38
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:18,996
I know. God, what's the plan?
39
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,039
Well, first of all, you're
gonna need a map of Arizona.
40
00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:22,249
I can get that.
41
00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:24,418
And a container that you're
comfortable getting urine in.
42
00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:26,962
-Oh, I have one in my purse.
-You do?
43
00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:29,214
No. Bad idea.
44
00:01:29,298 --> 00:01:31,592
You can't go on a first date
on Valentine's Day, Winston.
45
00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:33,969
Dude, I'm telling you,
it's not a first date, man.
46
00:01:34,052 --> 00:01:35,637
We used to hook up all the time.
47
00:01:35,721 --> 00:01:38,182
For two years I had her number
stored in my phone as "Shretty"
48
00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:39,725
'cause I was too drunk to type "Shelby."
49
00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:41,059
She just wants a relaxed night in.
50
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:43,061
It actually sounds kind of sexy.
51
00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:44,938
Dude, we're just trying
to figure each other out.
52
00:01:45,022 --> 00:01:46,481
Know where that
puts you in six months?
53
00:01:46,565 --> 00:01:48,066
Yeah, watching It's Complicated on DVD
54
00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:50,319
while you cradle your
newborn baby to sleep.
55
00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:52,196
And guess what? It's not complicated.
56
00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:53,697
It's about a bunch of rich white people
57
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:54,990
who are remodeling their kitchen.
58
00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:56,575
Are you sure you're
really ready for that?
59
00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:57,993
Dude, it's gonna be great.
60
00:01:58,368 --> 00:01:59,661
What are you doing?
61
00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:00,913
I'm packing an overnight bag
62
00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,456
in case I have one-night sex.
63
00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:04,416
I've got a T-shirt, socks...
64
00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:05,584
Is this a sewing kit?
65
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:06,793
Yes, a sewing kit.
66
00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:09,505
Stain remover. (SING-SONG) Hello?
67
00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:12,508
You don't have one-night stands.
You get way too attached.
68
00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:13,967
You could have an emotional connection
69
00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:15,427
with a shoe on the side of the road.
70
00:02:15,511 --> 00:02:17,638
Oh, one shoe? I hate that.
71
00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:18,972
Is this Schmidt's idea?
72
00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:20,307
It's my idea.
73
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:22,976
I want to try
a one-night stand. Tonight...
74
00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:25,896
is all about what Little Jess wants.
75
00:02:27,022 --> 00:02:29,066
Little Jess.
76
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,859
Okay, all right. I am gonna text Kyle
77
00:02:30,943 --> 00:02:32,861
and tell him to meet us at the bar,
78
00:02:32,945 --> 00:02:34,780
because I'm not leaving
you alone like this...
79
00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:36,156
with all of that.
80
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:38,158
(SPRITZES)
81
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:39,493
(SPRITZES)
82
00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:40,953
I'm sorry, I don't know
83
00:02:41,036 --> 00:02:43,080
who's smelling what tonight.
84
00:02:43,622 --> 00:02:45,707
Excuse me, you know where
Julia Cleary's office is?
85
00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:47,417
Uh, does she need to
sign for something?
86
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,086
Little late for a package, isn't it?
87
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,587
Let me guess, your bike broke down.
88
00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:51,797
Fixed-gear, single-speed.
89
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,340
I've been rocking a three-speed.
90
00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:54,591
No, I'm not a bike messenger.
91
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:55,926
-Follow me.
-Okay.
92
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,261
CLIFF: She can get pretty cranky
93
00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:58,554
when she gets interrupted,
94
00:02:58,637 --> 00:03:00,973
but I'll tell you what,
I would still hit that.
95
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,307
I mean, despite the age difference,
96
00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:04,560
I would just take that to Pound Town.
97
00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,103
You know what I mean?
98
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,272
Just take her on a visit to the boneyard.
99
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:09,398
You know what I'm saying.
100
00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:11,733
Hey, Nick.
101
00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:12,860
That's my boyfriend, Nick.
102
00:03:12,943 --> 00:03:14,862
Hi. That's my little intern, Cliff.
103
00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:16,154
-Excuse me, Cliff.
-What?
104
00:03:16,238 --> 00:03:17,614
Could you get him a water?
105
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,283
Thank you.
106
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:20,450
Hey, Cliff.
107
00:03:21,952 --> 00:03:23,036
Thanks, Cliff.
108
00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:26,248
Sorry it's such a mess in here.
109
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:28,000
But... I went full out
110
00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:29,793
with the cheesy Valentine's Day stuff.
111
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,128
Are you ready for it?
112
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,880
-What did you do?
-Ha-ha!
113
00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:34,631
Heart boxers! These are the best!
114
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:35,716
-Right?
-I'm putting them on
115
00:03:35,799 --> 00:03:36,800
right now over my pants.
116
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,595
-You can't stop me.
-I don't want to stop you, because I...
117
00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:41,555
am gonna be rockin' this action.
118
00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:44,141
You were born to wear that thing.
119
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,684
We can never talk about any of this.
120
00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:46,977
Okay. Can we go?
121
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:50,022
I have a little bit more work to do.
Just, like, an hour.
122
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:52,107
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
123
00:03:53,317 --> 00:03:55,485
-WINSTON: Hey, babe.
-Ooh, you brought wine.
124
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,321
-Yeah.
-Good. We're almost out.
125
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,405
It's not the food!
126
00:03:58,488 --> 00:04:00,240
Come on in. Pick out a polish.
127
00:04:00,324 --> 00:04:02,367
He looks like a player.
128
00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:04,536
-(DOOR CLOSES)
-Ah. Never mind.
129
00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:06,788
I thought we said no guys.
130
00:04:06,872 --> 00:04:09,625
-(SIGHS)
-I am not touching his feet.
131
00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,168
-I'm not kidding you.
-That's amazing.
132
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,794
Where's what's-his-name?
133
00:04:12,878 --> 00:04:15,130
We are actually gonna
meet up later, because
134
00:04:15,214 --> 00:04:17,049
he's got a little surprise for me.
135
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,384
Spoiler. It's his penis.
136
00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:21,428
Okay, stop. Enough. Pay attention.
137
00:04:21,512 --> 00:04:22,930
-You're from Oregon?
-Yeah.
138
00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,890
-JESS: I'm from Oregon.
-Oh, no. What?
139
00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:26,517
I mean, how often
do you meet Oregonians?
140
00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:27,684
MAN: I don't know.
141
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:28,810
Could you hold on one second?
142
00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:30,437
-Yeah. Sure.
-Okay.
143
00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:33,482
Oh, my God, he's from Oregon.
I'm from Oregon.
144
00:04:33,565 --> 00:04:34,775
-Bad idea.
-No, you can't do this.
145
00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:35,943
SCHMIDT: Horrible.
CECE: Sorry.
146
00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:37,027
You bonded emotionally.
147
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,362
If you end up having sex with him,
148
00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:40,989
it's gonna be missionary
with a lot of eye contact.
149
00:04:41,073 --> 00:04:42,616
Look, that is not
one-night-stand material.
150
00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:44,826
You got to listen to him.
He's right on this one. Sorry.
151
00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:46,286
SCHMIDT: I know what
I'm talking about.
152
00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:47,538
I have my 10,000 hours.
153
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,248
Outliers. You should read it.
154
00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:50,457
Malcolm Gladwell.
155
00:04:50,541 --> 00:04:51,959
It's one of my desert island books.
156
00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:53,961
Along with Machiavelli's The Prince,
157
00:04:54,044 --> 00:04:56,171
Freak by John Leguizamo,
any of the scripts
158
00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:57,840
from the first season of Vampire Diaries,
159
00:04:57,923 --> 00:05:00,259
-a little Phantom T.
-I love Phantom Tollbooth.
160
00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:02,886
Of course you do, you're a human being.
161
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,388
So no connection?
162
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,515
-Zero.
-Sorry, babe. No.
163
00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:11,728
Good girl.
164
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,730
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
165
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:18,068
Hey.
166
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:20,279
Could I have your cherry?
167
00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:22,030
-Sure.
-Cool.
168
00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:26,869
Sorry.
169
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:29,997
(MOANS)
170
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,081
(GAGS)
171
00:05:32,583 --> 00:05:33,584
(COUGHS LOUDLY)
172
00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:36,003
(COUGHING, GAGGING)
173
00:05:38,130 --> 00:05:39,506
(CONTINUES GAGGING)
174
00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:42,551
You okay, lady?
175
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,094
Hmm.
176
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:46,722
Schwing!
177
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:54,521
Hey, guys. Um, this is Oliver.
178
00:05:54,605 --> 00:05:57,149
Um, Oliver is a...
179
00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:58,609
-Web creator.
-Web creator.
180
00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:03,113
-Uh, also, we both love... lunch.
-Lunch.
181
00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:04,573
Love lunch.
182
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,158
-You're kidding.
-Wow, what a coincidence.
183
00:06:06,241 --> 00:06:07,492
When people talk about breakfast
184
00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:09,536
being the most
important meal of the day,
185
00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:12,414
-I'm, like, what?
-What... is that?
186
00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:14,541
What about lunch, man?
187
00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:18,712
You want another drink?
188
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,255
(AS MAE WEST)
If I didn't know ya better,
189
00:06:20,339 --> 00:06:22,007
I'd think you're tryin' to liquor me up!
190
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,467
Why are you talking like that?
191
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,761
(CHUCKLES) Oh, Oliver...
192
00:06:25,844 --> 00:06:27,804
We have nothing in common.
193
00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:30,349
(JESS LAUGHS)
194
00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:34,895
Yes! I have no emotional
connection to him at all.
195
00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:37,648
But I'm just gonna
eat lunch off that butt.
196
00:06:39,525 --> 00:06:40,692
So, what about you?
197
00:06:40,776 --> 00:06:43,028
What about that redhead?
I thought you totally had that.
198
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:44,655
SCHMIDT: Oh, that's in process.
199
00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:47,407
This is where I do this
kind of, like, look thing,
200
00:06:47,491 --> 00:06:49,743
where, like, my confusion
makes her confused,
201
00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:51,286
and then also kind of hot.
202
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:54,122
Let me help you.
203
00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:56,875
I'm gonna make her jealous.
204
00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:58,460
All right, can you... Can you stop?
205
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:01,922
Cece, you are way too beautiful.
206
00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,841
She'll think she doesn't
have a shot with me.
207
00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:05,551
Can you stop looking
at me like that, please?
208
00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:07,469
What look? I'm not even looking at you.
209
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,680
The pouty one,
the naughty baby Indian.
210
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:12,307
(IN INDIAN ACCENT) I just ate something
spicy, and my lip is swollen.
211
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,309
Baby! Hi!
212
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:15,894
CECE: Hey!
213
00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:18,272
All right, just get in there, man.
214
00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:19,982
Clean it all out.
215
00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:21,191
Like a dentist.
216
00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:22,359
Hey!
217
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,152
-Hey-hey-hey-hey!
-Wow!
218
00:07:24,236 --> 00:07:25,320
Look, look.
219
00:07:25,404 --> 00:07:27,823
Surprise! 'Shrooms.
220
00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:30,242
-Oh, Kyle, you really shouldn't have.
-I ate three.
221
00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:31,451
I ate three. Three.
222
00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:32,786
On a pizza!
223
00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:33,871
Look at you, man.
224
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,289
You're a champion.
225
00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:38,125
Okay, um, we're gonna go, 'cause
he's about to get real handsy
226
00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:39,585
and a little racist.
227
00:07:39,668 --> 00:07:41,295
So, you'll watch Jess?
228
00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:44,214
-Yeah, yeah, I will.
-Okay. Let's go, Kyle.
229
00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:45,757
Schmidtty, Schmidtty, Schmidtty.
230
00:07:46,008 --> 00:07:48,385
Hey, um, so, I'm gonna
go home with Oliver.
231
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,304
Great! I'm so happy...
232
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:51,972
Hey, three words:
233
00:07:52,264 --> 00:07:53,348
double bag it.
234
00:07:53,432 --> 00:07:55,726
I got that covered. Um...
235
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,186
These guys...
236
00:07:57,269 --> 00:07:59,062
-Hundy pack, so...
-A hundred condoms?
237
00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,439
Are you gonna have sex with an army?
238
00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:02,608
Oh, I'm gonna get up in it, mon
239
00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:04,985
That's the biggest box of condoms
I've ever seen, honestly.
240
00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,320
Does it have, like, a roller?
241
00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,238
Like, you know,
you go through the airport with it?
242
00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:09,948
I'm gonna rip him a new one.
243
00:08:10,032 --> 00:08:11,116
Very intimidating.
244
00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:13,994
A normal man can go
maybe three times in a night,
245
00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,454
depending on how
much salmon he's had.
246
00:08:15,537 --> 00:08:18,373
He's literally the most
boring person I've ever met.
247
00:08:18,457 --> 00:08:20,876
He's described every lunch
he's had this week,
248
00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:22,711
and three of them were tacos.
249
00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:24,880
-My work here is done.
-Not really.
250
00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:26,882
Little favor. He doesn't have a car,
251
00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:28,967
I don't have a car,
'cause I came with you, so I...
252
00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:30,719
Oh, no, no, no, no.
253
00:08:30,802 --> 00:08:32,012
No.
254
00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:34,848
One of the tacos had extra cheese,
255
00:08:34,932 --> 00:08:37,267
and the other one had avocados.
256
00:08:37,351 --> 00:08:38,644
And cheese.
257
00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:41,522
And cheese, actually. (CHUCKLES)
258
00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:46,360
Well, I guess
it's time to take that Chinese head
259
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,362
out of that Chinese ass, Ming.
260
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:49,947
(QUIETLY) That's so sweet.
261
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,698
I love that. Thank you.
262
00:08:51,782 --> 00:08:53,158
Hey, I pushed the reservation to 8:30.
263
00:08:53,242 --> 00:08:55,327
Okay, I just need
40 to 50 more minutes, okay?
264
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:56,453
-I'm sorry.
-No, no, no.
265
00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:58,872
Hey, Confucius say,
266
00:08:58,956 --> 00:09:00,749
"You work for me."
267
00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:04,086
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
268
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,048
What, Winston?
269
00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:10,509
Hey, man, look, I'm sorry to call you,
I know you're at dinner.
270
00:09:10,592 --> 00:09:13,095
No, I'm not, Winston. I'm actually
hanging out with a guy named Cliff.
271
00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:15,222
Are we hanging out?
That's awesome.
272
00:09:15,639 --> 00:09:16,890
Listen, man, I'm at Shelby's house
273
00:09:16,974 --> 00:09:18,267
and there's two other girls here.
274
00:09:18,350 --> 00:09:19,351
Drinking cranberry juice,
275
00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,186
talking about Michelle Obama's
upper-body workout.
276
00:09:21,270 --> 00:09:22,771
I got a nose strip on my face, man.
277
00:09:22,855 --> 00:09:24,147
-So leave.
-It's just that...
278
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,108
I really enjoy being around this girl.
279
00:09:26,358 --> 00:09:27,526
All right, so stay.
280
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:29,111
You know what,
I'm gonna stay. I'm gonna...
281
00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:36,159
Can I ask you something?
With her, the...
282
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:40,914
is it... Is it gentle, or is it...
Not so gentle?
283
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:43,292
You know what I mean?
284
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:47,129
Yeah, I'm gonna act like you
didn't just say that, Cliff.
285
00:09:47,212 --> 00:09:48,422
Fair enough.
286
00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:50,257
JULIA: Yeah, Ming, I got your text.
287
00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,176
What part of that
did you not understand?
288
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:53,635
Do you want some champagne, Cliff?
289
00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:55,888
(CAR ALARM BLARING)
290
00:09:56,388 --> 00:09:58,599
(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
291
00:09:59,308 --> 00:10:02,895
(MAN ON TV GASPING QUIETLY)
292
00:10:04,188 --> 00:10:06,857
MAN ON TV: What is that?
Is he injured?
293
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,358
MAN 2: No, I think...
294
00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:09,693
Pause. Pause.
295
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,820
Why are you pausing the movie?
296
00:10:11,904 --> 00:10:13,030
Bathroom break.
297
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,823
It's right in the middle
of the movie. What...
298
00:10:14,907 --> 00:10:16,033
What's wrong with him?
299
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,284
Why are you still here?
300
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:18,911
You don't have a car,
he doesn't have a car.
301
00:10:18,994 --> 00:10:20,162
How you gonna get home?
302
00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:22,164
I'm gonna take a cab, Schmidt.
303
00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:23,790
It's a horrible neighborhood, okay?
304
00:10:24,208 --> 00:10:25,667
There are youths everywhere.
305
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:28,504
-Youths? Are you Officer Krupke?
-(PHONE RINGING)
306
00:10:28,587 --> 00:10:30,839
Would you... Damn it.
307
00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:32,799
It's Cece. Hello?
308
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,260
Why are you crashing
Jess' one-night stand?
309
00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:37,095
He asked if I wanted
to watch Planet of the Apes.
310
00:10:37,179 --> 00:10:38,680
-I didn't know he meant now.
-Ugh.
311
00:10:38,764 --> 00:10:40,641
-What's wrong with you?
-Hate you. Tell him to leave.
312
00:10:40,766 --> 00:10:42,351
-Get out of there, Schmidt.
-(CLATTERING)
313
00:10:42,434 --> 00:10:43,977
Leave your car there,
314
00:10:44,061 --> 00:10:45,270
and I'll come get you, okay?
315
00:10:45,521 --> 00:10:46,688
What is going on over there?
316
00:10:46,772 --> 00:10:47,856
Where are you? Where's Kyle?
317
00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:49,733
I'm at a playground.
318
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:51,026
Kyle's shrooming.
319
00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:52,319
Woo, woo.
320
00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:53,487
I'll see you guys later.
321
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,074
I love brown people!
322
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,700
CECE: That's racist, Kyle.
323
00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:00,118
Excuse me.
324
00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:01,495
Back to the movie.
325
00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:04,456
Ready?
326
00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:05,541
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
327
00:11:08,252 --> 00:11:10,254
These monkeys look so real.
328
00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:11,338
Apes.
329
00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:12,422
They're apes.
330
00:11:12,798 --> 00:11:14,591
Oh. You're one of those?
331
00:11:14,675 --> 00:11:16,176
-Get out.
-Like there's a real difference?
332
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:17,719
-Get out now!
-All right.
333
00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:20,681
(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)
334
00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:26,395
(SIGHS)
335
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:28,105
Youths!
336
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:29,648
You know what, Cliff?
337
00:11:30,107 --> 00:11:32,484
I'm sorry,
I'm just feeling very romantic,
338
00:11:32,568 --> 00:11:35,362
and I have nowhere else to put it,
so happy Valentine's Day, good-looking.
339
00:11:35,821 --> 00:11:37,406
-You know what?
-What?
340
00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:40,117
Put it right here. 'Cause I like it.
341
00:11:41,285 --> 00:11:43,328
So how did you get
that far into law school
342
00:11:43,412 --> 00:11:44,496
and then drop out?
343
00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:47,082
-Well, I got my heart broken.
-Yeah.
344
00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:48,667
And then everything got weird.
345
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,503
I started playing guitar
in an alt-country-ska band.
346
00:11:51,587 --> 00:11:52,588
Sure.
347
00:11:52,671 --> 00:11:54,423
-Gambling a lot.
-Yeah.
348
00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,925
There was a really weird week
where I wore a long blonde wig
349
00:11:57,009 --> 00:11:58,760
and I made everybody
call me Sandy Ferguson.
350
00:11:58,969 --> 00:12:00,971
I have never loved
anyone that much.
351
00:12:01,138 --> 00:12:03,557
Then I drove to Mexico,
and I tried to enter a cockfight.
352
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:04,725
As a person?
353
00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:06,643
Yes, Cliff, as a person.
354
00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,395
-(CHEERING)
-Come on!
355
00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:10,314
Get me out of here!
356
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,232
Help! Help!
357
00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:15,319
I've had a tough
couple of days, Freddie.
358
00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:17,696
The point of the story is
I looked around at my life
359
00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:20,824
and I realized that I didn't
want to work for somebody else
360
00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:21,950
my whole life.
361
00:12:22,034 --> 00:12:23,994
That is exactly how I feel, man.
362
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,038
Yeah, but the second half of that story
363
00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,706
is how I went broke and started working
364
00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:29,166
for somebody else my whole life.
365
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,502
Okay, what was that?
366
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:32,711
I don't want to be a lawyer.
367
00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:33,795
I don't want to do this.
368
00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:35,589
-Don't do this. Not tonight.
-I'm leaving.
369
00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:37,049
-I'm leaving tonight.
-Oh, Cliff.
370
00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:39,551
Look what I found
under a pile of depositions.
371
00:12:39,635 --> 00:12:41,512
-I'm quitting!
-What?
372
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,388
Nick convinced me
that I can't waste my life
373
00:12:43,472 --> 00:12:44,556
doing your stapling anymore.
374
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:46,266
I never said anything like that, Julia.
375
00:12:46,642 --> 00:12:50,062
Not doing it anymore. I'm not
working all night on Valentine's Day.
376
00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:51,396
I'm just gonna get in my car,
377
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:54,066
and I'm just gonna drive
until I see the sun.
378
00:12:54,149 --> 00:12:55,776
'Cause it's got to be shining somewhere.
379
00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:57,653
And for once in my life,
380
00:12:57,736 --> 00:12:59,863
I'm gonna spend some time with my birds.
381
00:12:59,947 --> 00:13:01,031
-Whoo!
-JULIA: No, Cliff!
382
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:04,034
We're gonna start paying you so soon!
383
00:13:05,786 --> 00:13:07,538
Julia, I am so sorry.
384
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:10,624
I just told him a story
about when I got arrested in Mexico.
385
00:13:10,749 --> 00:13:12,167
You got arrested in Mexico?
386
00:13:12,251 --> 00:13:14,503
I wasn't gonna tell you until
after you got knocked up
387
00:13:14,586 --> 00:13:15,796
and were stuck with me.
388
00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:17,464
-Now I got to do all this stuff.
-I know.
389
00:13:17,548 --> 00:13:20,133
-I'm sorry.
-Just go home, Nick.
390
00:13:20,217 --> 00:13:21,969
-Sorry.
-I'll call you tomorrow.
391
00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,222
APE ON TV: No!
392
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,431
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
393
00:13:27,099 --> 00:13:28,183
What?
394
00:13:28,267 --> 00:13:29,560
Are you kidding me?
395
00:13:29,893 --> 00:13:31,353
Hey, Amy.
396
00:13:31,687 --> 00:13:33,063
Uh, this is my ex, Amy.
397
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,273
We broke up last week.
398
00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:35,983
She can't afford to move out
399
00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:37,234
-'cause she doesn't work.
-What?
400
00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:39,778
Hey, so how was your night?
401
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:42,322
Are you serious right now, Oliver?
402
00:13:42,698 --> 00:13:44,241
-Um, hey.
-Yeah.
403
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,450
-I'm Jess.
-Oh.
404
00:13:45,534 --> 00:13:46,618
(DOOR OPENS)
405
00:13:46,702 --> 00:13:47,703
Hey.
406
00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:49,955
Who is she?
407
00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:51,623
What are you doing here, Cece?
408
00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:53,750
Sorry, I just came to get Schmidt.
409
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:56,170
Schmidt left, like, an hour ago.
410
00:13:56,253 --> 00:13:57,337
No, no, I didn't.
411
00:13:57,421 --> 00:13:58,422
Are you kidding me?
412
00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:01,258
My tires were stolen
by street youths.
413
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:02,342
Ugh!
414
00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:05,137
KYLE: Hey, did I pee my pants?
415
00:14:05,304 --> 00:14:06,889
Friends, did I pee in my pants?
416
00:14:06,972 --> 00:14:08,765
-No, Kyle, you're just on drugs.
-Guys?
417
00:14:08,891 --> 00:14:09,975
He definitely peed, I can see.
418
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,768
See! See!
419
00:14:12,186 --> 00:14:13,312
Who's the idiot now?
420
00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:15,230
Okay, all of you,
get out of here.
421
00:14:15,314 --> 00:14:17,024
-I peed my pants.
-We got to get out of... Oh.
422
00:14:17,107 --> 00:14:18,150
-Mmm.
-Mmm.
423
00:14:18,317 --> 00:14:19,776
This guy's like a magician.
424
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:22,821
How does it feel, Oliver?
425
00:14:23,739 --> 00:14:25,490
Okay, uh, Kyle,
426
00:14:25,574 --> 00:14:27,117
I'm the one you're gonna
sleep with tonight,
427
00:14:27,201 --> 00:14:28,202
so we got to...
428
00:14:30,287 --> 00:14:33,081
-What are you gonna do now?
-(LAUGHS) You're cute.
429
00:14:33,165 --> 00:14:34,416
(GRUNTING AND YELLING)
430
00:14:34,833 --> 00:14:35,834
Okay, okay.
431
00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:36,919
Okay.
432
00:14:37,002 --> 00:14:38,587
-My man!
-AMY: Get out of my house!
433
00:14:39,963 --> 00:14:41,340
(WOMEN YELLING)
434
00:14:41,423 --> 00:14:42,966
-CECE: I will murder you!
-Bye!
435
00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:44,551
(CECE YELLING)
436
00:14:44,635 --> 00:14:46,428
-What?
-JESS: Hey, Kyle. Hey.
437
00:14:46,512 --> 00:14:47,596
It's a stick.
438
00:14:47,679 --> 00:14:49,973
-Go get it.
-KYLE: Ooh, shiny!
439
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:51,975
Whoo.
440
00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:54,019
What does a girl got to do
441
00:14:54,102 --> 00:14:56,355
to get a one-night stand
around here?
442
00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:58,357
Sorry.
443
00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:04,446
This sangria
is amazing, Winston.
444
00:15:04,530 --> 00:15:07,783
My grandmother's recipe,
so I can't take credit for that.
445
00:15:07,866 --> 00:15:09,493
But seriously, Tia,
446
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:12,412
you don't want a man who has
fancier underpants than you.
447
00:15:12,496 --> 00:15:14,206
-I keep trying to tell her that.
-It's true.
448
00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:17,000
You want to have the fanciest
drawers in the relationship. Boom.
449
00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:18,335
-TIA: Wow.
-Hmm.
450
00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:19,920
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
451
00:15:20,003 --> 00:15:21,129
(CRUNCHING)
452
00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:27,594
(CRUNCHING)
453
00:15:33,851 --> 00:15:35,811
Hey, are you gonna be done soon?
454
00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:37,604
Maybe.
455
00:15:39,398 --> 00:15:41,066
(CRUNCHING)
456
00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:43,068
She can't keep
eating tacos all night.
457
00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:44,194
Yeah.
458
00:15:44,278 --> 00:15:46,113
Because I ate most
of the tacos yesterday.
459
00:15:46,196 --> 00:15:47,823
You know what?
460
00:15:48,365 --> 00:15:49,575
I can't do this.
461
00:15:50,284 --> 00:15:52,911
You're a really great guy, and, um...
462
00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:55,163
I mean, I don't know that, um,
463
00:15:55,247 --> 00:15:58,834
but honestly, I was just gonna
use you as a giant meat puppet.
464
00:15:59,877 --> 00:16:01,795
AMY: I'm looking pretty good
right now.
465
00:16:01,879 --> 00:16:03,338
It's just so hard, you know?
466
00:16:04,256 --> 00:16:06,758
I feel so alone sometimes.
467
00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:10,179
And I lied to you.
468
00:16:10,262 --> 00:16:12,973
I'm not a web creator.
469
00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:14,975
I'm not a player.
470
00:16:18,896 --> 00:16:20,564
(CRYING)
471
00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:23,942
-I miss her so much.
-Oh,
472
00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:25,777
she's in... She's just in the kitchen.
473
00:16:25,861 --> 00:16:27,696
-(BLENDER WHIRS)
-OLIVER: Baby!
474
00:16:27,779 --> 00:16:29,072
Can you make me a smoothie?
475
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,079
NICK: You know, just making copies.
476
00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:37,331
Did you do all of this?
477
00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:38,540
-I did.
-No.
478
00:16:38,624 --> 00:16:40,250
-Yeah.
-Really?
479
00:16:40,334 --> 00:16:42,503
And I just want you to know
that there's a photocopy
480
00:16:42,586 --> 00:16:44,713
of my butt somewhere
in your recycling bin.
481
00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:46,006
Okay.
482
00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:48,258
I had a weird moment,
Julia, and I went for it.
483
00:16:48,342 --> 00:16:49,718
Okay, and if anyone finds it,
484
00:16:49,801 --> 00:16:51,970
I want them to know
that I moved during the copy,
485
00:16:52,054 --> 00:16:54,264
and I don't actually
have two butt cracks.
486
00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:55,390
I know.
487
00:16:56,642 --> 00:16:57,809
What?
488
00:16:58,101 --> 00:17:00,938
I've never ever cared
489
00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:02,523
about Valentine's Day before.
490
00:17:02,606 --> 00:17:04,358
Neither have I.
491
00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:05,567
But it's nice.
492
00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:07,486
-Yeah.
-Right?
493
00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:15,118
You did all the
work wrong, though.
494
00:17:15,911 --> 00:17:17,829
-Yeah, I know I did.
-That's okay.
495
00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:20,415
(PHONE RINGING)
496
00:17:24,336 --> 00:17:26,588
(RINGING CONTINUES)
497
00:17:26,672 --> 00:17:28,340
I'm sorry.
498
00:17:28,423 --> 00:17:30,050
No, no, no,
do what you got to do.
499
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:32,469
Hi, Ming.
500
00:17:32,553 --> 00:17:33,846
Yeah, I got your text.
501
00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:35,556
And yeah, it was wrong,
502
00:17:35,639 --> 00:17:38,475
just like every single other
text you've sent me tonight.
503
00:17:38,559 --> 00:17:39,893
(WHISPERING)
Call I call you tomorrow?
504
00:17:39,977 --> 00:17:41,603
-Yeah, it's fine, go.
-I'm sorry.
505
00:17:42,688 --> 00:17:43,689
Are you really...
506
00:17:43,772 --> 00:17:45,065
Are you arguing with me about that?
507
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:47,693
Are you actually arguing
with me about that?
508
00:17:47,860 --> 00:17:50,362
-Bye.
-Bye, girl, thank you.
509
00:17:50,445 --> 00:17:52,239
-Bye.
-Bye, Shel.
510
00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:56,076
SHELBY: That was fun.
511
00:17:56,159 --> 00:17:57,870
Any time.
512
00:17:58,871 --> 00:18:01,039
So, you weren't expecting
513
00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:02,124
a girls' night, were you?
514
00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:03,750
(LAUGHING) Not really.
515
00:18:05,002 --> 00:18:06,378
You know,
Tia needed some tough love.
516
00:18:10,591 --> 00:18:12,176
You keep doing it.
517
00:18:12,885 --> 00:18:13,886
What?
518
00:18:14,678 --> 00:18:16,930
Making up
for how you used to be.
519
00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,058
You don't remember?
520
00:18:20,142 --> 00:18:22,686
Valentine's Day, 2008?
521
00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,354
You said you'd call.
522
00:18:24,438 --> 00:18:25,606
You didn't.
523
00:18:29,193 --> 00:18:30,986
(SIGHS) Um...
524
00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:33,739
I waited all night.
525
00:18:36,575 --> 00:18:39,828
Okay, I don't deserve
a second chance with you, do I?
526
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,206
But here you are.
527
00:18:43,457 --> 00:18:44,625
Getting one.
528
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:54,927
SCHMIDT: Oh.
JESS: Hey.
529
00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:57,763
Hey, what are you
doing home so soon?
530
00:18:57,846 --> 00:19:00,098
Well, I helped him get back together
with his ex-girlfriend.
531
00:19:00,182 --> 00:19:01,642
-(SIGHS)
-He made me video-chat
532
00:19:01,725 --> 00:19:03,435
with his mom in Hawaii
for a couple minutes,
533
00:19:03,519 --> 00:19:05,938
and then, um, I came home, so...
534
00:19:06,021 --> 00:19:07,523
Jess, you don't
your first one-night stand
535
00:19:07,606 --> 00:19:09,191
to be with some total stranger.
536
00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:10,859
You got to pick someone
who you know,
537
00:19:10,943 --> 00:19:12,736
who's not gonna make a big deal
of the whole thing.
538
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:15,280
-Hmm.
-You have an urge, you act on it.
539
00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:16,657
-(SOFTLY) Right.
-And...
540
00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:18,242
(SIGHS) Whatever you do,
541
00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:21,078
leave immediately afterwards.
542
00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:23,580
God help you if you
get sucked into a brunch.
543
00:19:23,664 --> 00:19:26,416
-Thanks, Schmidt.
-Come here.
544
00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:28,877
You smell good.
545
00:19:28,961 --> 00:19:31,171
It's probably the oil
of the ylang-ylang tree.
546
00:19:31,255 --> 00:19:32,506
(JESS LAUGHS)
547
00:19:36,093 --> 00:19:38,011
-Don't over-think it.
-Okay.
548
00:19:47,104 --> 00:19:48,105
(DOOR CLOSES)
549
00:19:48,188 --> 00:19:49,398
Don't over-think it.
550
00:19:49,731 --> 00:19:51,775
Don't over...
551
00:19:52,317 --> 00:19:54,152
Don't over-think it.
552
00:20:07,583 --> 00:20:08,709
(QUIETLY) Schmidt?
553
00:20:08,792 --> 00:20:10,085
NICK: Hey, Jess, what are you doing?
554
00:20:13,505 --> 00:20:15,799
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
I was asking Schmidt a question.
555
00:20:15,883 --> 00:20:17,134
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-What?
556
00:20:17,926 --> 00:20:18,927
Were you...
557
00:20:19,011 --> 00:20:20,554
-What? No.
-...with Schmidt?
558
00:20:20,637 --> 00:20:22,139
No! No.
559
00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:24,892
I was holding those, but I...
560
00:20:25,434 --> 00:20:26,727
Oh, my God.
561
00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:28,520
-What has gotten into you?
-No. No.
562
00:20:28,604 --> 00:20:30,480
-Why do you have so many condoms?
-Shh! Don't ever...
563
00:20:30,564 --> 00:20:32,149
Shh! Don't ever speak of this again.
564
00:20:32,232 --> 00:20:34,568
You need one. Tops, two. Let's go.
565
00:20:34,651 --> 00:20:36,278
-We'll get these later.
-I was feeling twirly.
566
00:20:36,361 --> 00:20:37,529
-Nick, Nick...
-No!
567
00:20:37,613 --> 00:20:39,781
You're not having sex with Schmidt.
568
00:20:39,865 --> 00:20:41,658
(MUFFLED)
This is a danger zone for you.
569
00:20:41,742 --> 00:20:43,410
What is happening out there?
570
00:20:43,493 --> 00:20:44,703
Stop, do not move, okay?
571
00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:46,496
-What? Why?
-Because if somebody catches us,
572
00:20:46,580 --> 00:20:48,457
I'm gonna say you drugged me.
My word against yours.
573
00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:49,708
-Okay?
-Okay, yeah.
574
00:20:49,791 --> 00:20:51,835
That fine, that makes sense.
575
00:20:52,794 --> 00:20:54,254
You smell so good right now.
576
00:20:59,134 --> 00:21:02,763
You are not gonna believe
the stupid thing I almost did last night.
577
00:21:02,846 --> 00:21:04,181
CECE: Tell me.
578
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:07,267
Okay, but you have to promise
never to tell anyone, ever.
579
00:21:07,559 --> 00:21:10,479
Of course, out with it. Tell me.
580
00:21:11,230 --> 00:21:16,109
Okay, I almost tried
to hook up with Schmidt
581
00:21:16,235 --> 00:21:17,736
last night.
582
00:21:24,201 --> 00:21:27,704
-That would have been crazy.
-I know!
583
00:21:27,788 --> 00:21:29,748
Can you imagine? Ugh.
584
00:21:29,873 --> 00:21:35,045
I cannot. I got to go, okay? Bye.
40756
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