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1
00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:04,087
-(HORN HONKS)
-NICK: Hey, hey, man, this is my spot.
2
00:00:04,171 --> 00:00:05,172
I was here first!
3
00:00:05,255 --> 00:00:06,673
That's my space, huh?
4
00:00:06,757 --> 00:00:09,301
-This isn't Europe! Move!
-Come on. Come on, Nick.
5
00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:11,178
Maybe he's a really nice guy.
He's just having a bad day.
6
00:00:11,261 --> 00:00:12,513
I don't care if he's a nice guy.
7
00:00:12,596 --> 00:00:15,224
Get that piece of crap out of my space.
8
00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:16,308
-JESS: Don't...
-Come on, dude.
9
00:00:16,391 --> 00:00:18,227
Why don't you come in here,
take my pants off...
10
00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:20,145
-Nick!
-...and kiss my a...?
11
00:00:20,229 --> 00:00:21,563
-Oh!
-Oh, my God!
12
00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:23,607
What do you got to say now? Huh?
13
00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:25,943
-Oh, my God, it's like The Wire!
-He has a gun. He has a gun. Stay down.
14
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,486
-Oh, my God.
-You still think he's a nice guy, Jess?
15
00:00:27,569 --> 00:00:28,570
That's what I thought.
16
00:00:28,654 --> 00:00:29,863
Maybe no one's ever been nice to him.
17
00:00:29,947 --> 00:00:32,074
Maybe violence is his only tool
to express himself.
18
00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:34,159
-Hi.
-Huh? Get down. What are you doing?
19
00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:35,410
JESS: Hi.
NICK: Don't kill us.
20
00:00:35,494 --> 00:00:38,121
-Don't use guns.
-Stop it. Just stop it. Just get down.
21
00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:39,331
We're sorry. Take the spot.
22
00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:40,499
JESS: Sir...
NICK: Just be submissive.
23
00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:42,209
-Sorry about this guy.
-No, you...
24
00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:43,877
-Don't apologize...
-He's overreacting.
25
00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:46,004
I'm overreacting? He has a gun,
26
00:00:46,088 --> 00:00:47,798
and you're dressed like a bull's-eye.
27
00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:49,341
JESS: Thank you, sir. Thank you.
28
00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:51,176
I can't believe this is working.
29
00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:53,512
-You out-crazied a man with a gun.
-Sorry.
30
00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:55,180
Have a good day.
31
00:00:55,264 --> 00:00:56,640
See, it worked.
32
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:58,934
You always see the worst in people.
33
00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:01,103
Who's that girl?
34
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:02,437
Who's that girl?
35
00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:03,689
Who's that girl?
36
00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:04,773
Who's that girl?
37
00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:05,858
It's Jess!
38
00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:08,360
Here we go again.
39
00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:10,028
Another text message from work.
Look at that.
40
00:01:10,112 --> 00:01:12,865
"Tokyo call at 11:00?"
This is driving me crazy!
41
00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:13,949
What is she trying to say?
42
00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:16,118
I'm not an expert at your industry at all,
43
00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:18,328
but, um, sounds like there's a call.
44
00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:20,038
From Tokyo.
45
00:01:20,122 --> 00:01:21,290
Sometime today.
46
00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:22,541
Oh, wait. At 11:00.
47
00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:23,625
You don't understand.
48
00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:26,336
I've been getting a lot of mixed signals
from my boss lately.
49
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:27,754
What is wrong with you?
50
00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:29,882
The world is not out to seduce you.
51
00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:32,092
-(PHONE BUZZING)
-"And bring me the budget reports."
52
00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:34,219
Why can't she just say what she wants?
53
00:01:34,303 --> 00:01:35,804
What kind of sick game is she playing?
54
00:01:35,888 --> 00:01:37,890
It's all in your head, man.
It's always in your head.
55
00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:39,892
Nonfat vanilla latte.
56
00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:43,478
We're not talking about coffee...
57
00:01:44,479 --> 00:01:45,522
are we?
58
00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:48,483
Three, please.
59
00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:51,111
Are you sure you want me to...
60
00:01:51,195 --> 00:01:52,738
stop at three?
61
00:01:54,239 --> 00:01:55,699
I have a package for Schmidt.
62
00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:59,494
Sir, I'm very flattered,
but I must decline.
63
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,288
He said he had a package
64
00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:03,707
for Schmidt.
65
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,918
Oh, you're always
starting fights with everyone, Nick.
66
00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:07,669
I mean, not everyone's out to get you.
67
00:02:07,753 --> 00:02:09,630
He had a gun, Jess!
68
00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:11,798
He was literally out to get me.
69
00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:14,259
Isn't Nick the most negative person
you've ever met?
70
00:02:14,343 --> 00:02:16,803
Absolutely, and you know what?
It all pools up
71
00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:19,097
right in that little satinous center
below his belly button.
72
00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:20,474
WINSTON: I mean, he's not wrong, though.
73
00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,601
-His life is genuinely terrible.
-NICK: You know what, Jess?
74
00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:25,729
I guess I don't live in a world
where I smile,
75
00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:27,272
and people do what I want them to do.
76
00:02:27,356 --> 00:02:29,274
-You never smile.
-A smile is a sign of weakness.
77
00:02:29,358 --> 00:02:30,984
(SCREAMS) No!
78
00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:34,321
All right, everybody relax.
79
00:02:36,365 --> 00:02:37,950
(WHIRRING)
80
00:02:38,033 --> 00:02:41,703
-(CLANKING)
-(NICK GROANING)
81
00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:44,581
Get out!
82
00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:47,292
It's fixed.
83
00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:49,211
-Okay, Nick, I'm calling the landlord.
-WINSTON: Uh-uh.
84
00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:51,255
-This is ridiculous.
-Don't call the landlord.
85
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:52,923
We don't need him here. He's a jerk.
86
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:55,092
See, here's an example.
87
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,928
Maybe you never gave him the chance
to show you what a great guy he is.
88
00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,763
-Yeah, he's a terrible person.
-No, Jess. He sucks.
89
00:02:59,847 --> 00:03:01,765
Don't call the landlord, I'm serious.
90
00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:02,975
Okay.
91
00:03:05,769 --> 00:03:08,438
Hey, Kim, where should I put this...
92
00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:11,733
budget... report?
93
00:03:12,568 --> 00:03:15,195
-On the desk.
-Yeah, um, okay.
94
00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:16,613
I'll just... Thanks. So...
95
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,324
Schmidt, my files need sorting.
96
00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:24,830
Do it here... so I can watch.
97
00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:26,957
Okay.
98
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,001
So, you want me to...
99
00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:31,712
sort... your files?
100
00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:33,630
Is that right?
101
00:03:38,594 --> 00:03:39,970
What are you doing?
102
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,014
What am I...? Hmm? Okay.
103
00:03:42,097 --> 00:03:43,849
Because I probably got this one wet,
so I'm gonna re...
104
00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:45,726
I'm just gonna replace all of them.
105
00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:49,938
(SCRAPING)
106
00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:00,532
Knock, knock. Mr. Landlord?
107
00:04:00,616 --> 00:04:05,162
Um, I know you probably think
cupcakes are totally lame.
108
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,580
I know I do,
109
00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:08,957
so if you could do me a solid
110
00:04:09,041 --> 00:04:10,876
and take care of those extras?
111
00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:15,339
Cool office.
112
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:17,716
I like your...
113
00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:19,301
bucket of...
114
00:04:20,385 --> 00:04:21,762
gasoline.
115
00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:23,347
It's super practical.
116
00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:25,516
What you got there?
117
00:04:27,893 --> 00:04:28,894
Broom.
118
00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:33,232
So, I live in, um, 4
119
00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:36,902
There are a lot of real
safety hazards in our loft.
120
00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:40,113
Nothing a little landlording couldn't fix.
121
00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:42,407
-What do you say?
-No.
122
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:45,869
(WATER DRIPPING)
123
00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:51,166
That's a sweet picture.
124
00:04:51,250 --> 00:04:53,126
How old are your kids?
125
00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:54,670
I did that.
126
00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:56,255
It's me and my ex-wife.
127
00:04:58,048 --> 00:04:59,508
Okay, you know what? Um...
128
00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:01,927
My roommates are really scared of you,
but I know
129
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,804
you're a good man,
and I know you don't want
130
00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:05,097
the four of us living
in a dangerous apartment.
131
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:06,682
The four of you?
132
00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:09,726
Apartment 4D, there's only
supposed to be three people.
133
00:05:12,187 --> 00:05:14,982
Oh, did I say four?
134
00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:17,818
You know what?
I was counting myself twice.
135
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,403
It's so easy to do.
136
00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:22,197
Big personality over here, so...
137
00:05:22,281 --> 00:05:24,116
gonna go... (MUTTERS)
138
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,495
Hey, guys. I've got a fun exercise.
139
00:05:28,579 --> 00:05:30,122
I'd like everybody to take a moment
140
00:05:30,205 --> 00:05:32,916
and think back to a time
when they did something stupid,
141
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,544
how they were treated,
and how they wish they were treated.
142
00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:38,338
-What did you do, Jess?
-LANDLORD: (KNOCKING) Open up!
143
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,883
-Did you talk to the landlord?
-Little bit.
144
00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:43,302
-Okay, it's happening. Guys, go, go, go.
-Ginny. Call me Ginny.
145
00:05:43,427 --> 00:05:44,845
-(CLAMORING)
-LANDLORD: Come on!
146
00:05:44,928 --> 00:05:46,555
SCHMIDT: We'll be right there.
Come on, let's go. Go, go. Okay, okay.
147
00:05:46,638 --> 00:05:48,140
NICK: Come on,
this is what we trained for, guys.
148
00:05:48,223 --> 00:05:49,558
Go! All the way, all the way, all the way.
149
00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:50,934
Be careful with the duvet, please.
150
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:53,937
Shut up, Schmidt! I'm freaking out!
151
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:55,898
-Oh, my God.
-Told you we didn't practice this enough.
152
00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:57,941
Jess, close those up.
153
00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,818
-Oh, there goes the chinos.
-JESS: Oh!
154
00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:02,446
Brad. Coach.
155
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,992
-(IN HEAVY ACCENT) Oh. Hello.
-Ginny.
156
00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:09,203
I had such nice time visiting Los Angeles.
157
00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:12,164
It's so many fancy people
with their fancy lives.
158
00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:13,498
-JESS: Oh.
-Hollywood!
159
00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:15,792
-Oh.
-Oh, good-bye.
160
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:16,877
-Bye, Ginny.
-Yeah, Ginny.
161
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,170
-Thank you for memories.
-Bye, Ginny.
162
00:06:18,253 --> 00:06:20,005
-Ginny.
-You're the best, Ginny.
163
00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:21,548
-Oh, I'll miss him.
-I love Ginny.
164
00:06:21,632 --> 00:06:24,426
So, someone told me
you have four people living here.
165
00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:27,554
Well, that idiot probably doesn't know
what she's talking about, so...
166
00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:29,890
You don't want...
you don't want to go in the library...
167
00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:32,601
Who left the library like this?
168
00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:35,187
-You kidding me?
-Know what? This is so embarrassing.
169
00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:37,272
Who left the library like...?
This is a mess.
170
00:06:37,356 --> 00:06:38,649
Hey, hey, where you going, my man?
171
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:44,238
Oh. Hello.
172
00:06:44,321 --> 00:06:46,448
Train to Panama all sold out.
173
00:06:46,532 --> 00:06:48,534
Must be the Mardi Gras.
174
00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:55,582
Good God, what is this?
Why would you do this?
175
00:06:55,666 --> 00:06:57,626
This was Schmidt's room, okay?
He painted this.
176
00:06:57,709 --> 00:07:00,712
It is a sexually-charged,
zero-gravity tea ceremony.
177
00:07:00,796 --> 00:07:02,673
Paint over it!
178
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:05,092
-Or you pay for it.
-(MUTTERS) He's fair.
179
00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:07,845
-Who painted that?
-Giancarlo.
180
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:11,056
Some creepo Schmidt was obsessed with.
He used to wear a...
181
00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:14,184
I suggest you paint it,
and you paint it fast!
182
00:07:14,268 --> 00:07:15,936
Have fun, buddy.
183
00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,856
To be honest, I was expecting
a lot worse, so just...
184
00:07:19,731 --> 00:07:20,774
Four people is fine.
185
00:07:20,858 --> 00:07:24,069
Just paint over the sex wall,
and don't bother me anymore.
186
00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:26,864
-Hey, sir, wait.
-Jess, let... let him go.
187
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,657
I just want to apologize on behalf
188
00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:31,201
of all of us for lying to you
about how many people live here.
189
00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:32,911
-Stop reminding him.
-But while you're up here,
190
00:07:32,995 --> 00:07:35,289
might as well just fix a few things.
191
00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:38,584
Please... Remy?
192
00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:40,961
How did you know my name? They call you?
193
00:07:41,879 --> 00:07:45,048
I saw your tattoo that says,
"Hello, My Name is Remy,"
194
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,967
and I just... I took a leap of faith.
195
00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:49,052
Look, I know you're a good guy...
196
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,138
Okay, what do you what do you want fixed?
197
00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:53,390
Why don't you close your eyes
and point at something?
198
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,475
Her. Not you.
199
00:08:01,857 --> 00:08:04,902
-Schmidt?
-Yeah.
200
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,945
I need you to clean up my hard drive.
201
00:08:07,029 --> 00:08:08,822
Okay, do you want me to reformat first?
202
00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:11,033
I said,I need you...
203
00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:12,743
to clean up...
204
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,661
my hard drive.
205
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,626
REMY: I should have seen a divorce coming.
206
00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:24,796
You know, we stopped
doing the little things, like talking.
207
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:28,592
One day, we were humping.
Then everything changed.
208
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,761
We weren't humping.
209
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:33,764
-That must have been really hard.
-You know, it was what it was.
210
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,182
Come on, Remy.
211
00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:37,976
-It was hard.
-It was hard.
212
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:41,605
All right, give it a shot.
213
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,190
Great.
214
00:08:44,233 --> 00:08:46,652
Okay. Oh.
215
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:48,320
Here, I'll help...
216
00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:50,697
I'll brace you. Pull back.
217
00:08:50,781 --> 00:08:52,449
JESS: Okay. Okay.
REMY: Use your hips. Come on.
218
00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:54,326
-Oh! Oh, that's good.
-JESS: That's it, is it?
219
00:08:54,409 --> 00:08:56,119
Okay. That'll do it.
220
00:08:58,330 --> 00:09:00,499
Hey, Jess.
Can I talk to you for a minute alone?
221
00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:02,084
-(SIGHS)
-(LAUGHS)
222
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:04,461
So, what's up?
Ready to admit you were wrong?
223
00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:07,297
Hello. My name is Nick,
and I like eating crow.
224
00:09:07,381 --> 00:09:09,258
-That man wants to sleep with you.
-No, he doesn't.
225
00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:10,884
-Yes, he does.
-He was showing me how to close a closet.
226
00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:13,136
Okay, anytime a man shows a woman
how to do something
227
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:15,222
from behind, it's just an excuse
228
00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:17,683
for him to get really close
and breathe on her neck.
229
00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:19,935
-Watch any sports movie.
-That is not a thing.
230
00:09:20,018 --> 00:09:21,436
You mind picking up that mug?
231
00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:25,440
Oh, no, you're doing it all wrong.
Here, let me show you.
232
00:09:25,524 --> 00:09:27,484
No, no, no.
I've been doing this for years.
233
00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:29,486
See, the way
to pick up a mug is like that.
234
00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:31,530
-You just got to relax into it.
-He wasn't doing that!
235
00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:34,032
-That's exactly what he was doing.
-You always see the worst in people!
236
00:09:34,116 --> 00:09:35,701
Yeah, because people are the worst!
237
00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:38,871
Whoa! Five bucks!
238
00:09:38,954 --> 00:09:41,623
Look out, college. Here I come!
(LAUGHS)
239
00:09:42,374 --> 00:09:44,668
That's it. People stink!
240
00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:46,753
You must have been doing something.
241
00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:49,631
Are you seriously defending the man
who pushed me into the bushes?
242
00:09:49,715 --> 00:09:51,008
Well, people can be good.
243
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,634
You just have to give them
a chance to show you.
244
00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:55,554
MAN: Hey, little girl.
245
00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:58,599
You like candy?
246
00:09:58,682 --> 00:10:00,642
I sure do!
247
00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:03,061
Great! My nana made way too much!
248
00:10:09,902 --> 00:10:11,737
Why can't you admit you were wrong?
249
00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:14,781
I was nice, and now
he's fixing our apartment.
250
00:10:14,865 --> 00:10:17,201
I'm working up an appetite in there.
251
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:21,163
Boy, I hope you don't mind
the smell of a real man in your room.
252
00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:23,373
Let me know when you want
to get started on that bed.
253
00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:24,917
Okay.
254
00:10:27,753 --> 00:10:30,631
-He's turning my mattress.
-Yeah.
255
00:10:38,764 --> 00:10:41,683
This is so wonderful.
256
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,647
Oh, come on. Don't you ever wear jeans?
257
00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:47,898
Honestly, you look like you should be
258
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,067
distracting James Bond
at a baccarat table.
259
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:54,071
No, I'm actually gonna go meet Kyle.
Jess loaned me her seasickness bracelets.
260
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,532
Going to a party on Greg Kinnear's boat.
261
00:10:56,615 --> 00:10:59,034
You're going to a party
on Neptune's Folly?
262
00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:02,955
-Yeah, relax. He's not going to be there.
-I know, he's in Rio till the 16th.
263
00:11:03,038 --> 00:11:05,999
Cece, can I talk to you, as a...
264
00:11:07,084 --> 00:11:08,752
as a woman?
265
00:11:10,212 --> 00:11:12,172
-All right, Schmidt.
-Okay.
266
00:11:12,256 --> 00:11:15,008
My boss and I, we're running
a pre-Sex marathon right now,
267
00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:17,719
and I feel like we're stuck in mile 25.
268
00:11:17,803 --> 00:11:20,222
I'm cramping, Cece,
my toenails are falling off,
269
00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:22,516
I'm peeing down my leg,
it's like I can see the finish line,
270
00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,852
-but I just can't get there.
-I need to put one of these on right now.
271
00:11:24,935 --> 00:11:28,272
The problem is is we don't talk.
I don't know what she's thinking.
272
00:11:29,398 --> 00:11:31,066
Should I make a move or not?
273
00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:33,819
Stop asking permission and go get it.
274
00:11:33,902 --> 00:11:35,195
That's what I would want.
275
00:11:35,279 --> 00:11:39,449
There's nothing less sexy
than a dude asking if he can kiss you.
276
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:42,744
Nothing? I mean, what if I ate my own hair
and pooped out a wig?
277
00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:45,122
What if I called my mom after sex
to describe it to her?
278
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,749
-What if I had a croissant blog?
-Two of these now.
279
00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:48,834
(LAUGHING)
280
00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:50,836
Hey, Bob Ross, how's painting going?
281
00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:55,465
Going absolutely fantastic, Schmidt,
because everything is easy...
282
00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:58,760
"when you are a battleship,
invading the Bay of Success."
283
00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:00,888
-What?
-I have here
284
00:12:00,971 --> 00:12:03,348
Schmidt's New Year's resolutions
from 2007.
285
00:12:03,432 --> 00:12:05,267
-Oh, please, read on.
-NICK: Read my favorite one.
286
00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:08,854
"Stop pursuing Caroline.
She's Nick's girl. Deal with it."
287
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,272
-Deal with it. She's my girl.
-CECE: Wow!
288
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:12,983
-Okay, where'd you find that?
-Do not ever stop reading this.
289
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,443
I was very young. And drunk.
290
00:12:14,526 --> 00:12:17,321
Were you too drunk to
"begin the search for the cocoon...
291
00:12:17,863 --> 00:12:20,282
"that will one day
release your butterfly"?
292
00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:21,867
No, it does not say that one!
293
00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:23,452
-Come on!
-That's number three.
294
00:12:23,535 --> 00:12:25,996
-Why are you doing this to me?
-Maybe I just got bored
295
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,707
painting over
your interplanetary ass dojo.
296
00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:32,169
This is my favorite.
"Find out where Winston gets his sparkle,
297
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,795
-"and then steal it."
-CECE: Oh!
298
00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:36,006
-Steal his...!
-You were gonna steal my sparkle?
299
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,299
Give me that.
300
00:12:37,382 --> 00:12:39,051
The funniest thing just happened.
301
00:12:39,134 --> 00:12:42,554
I was watching Remy fix the sink,
and I got totally soaked.
302
00:12:42,638 --> 00:12:45,516
-You were so wet!
-Man overboard!
303
00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:47,976
So I invited Remy over for dinner
to thank him for all the stuff
304
00:12:48,060 --> 00:12:50,354
he's been doing around the apartment.
Who's in?
305
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,814
-I gotta...
-I... I got a boat, so...
306
00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:55,859
So, I guess it'll just be me and Jess.
307
00:12:57,528 --> 00:12:59,154
Oh, no, Remy.
308
00:12:59,238 --> 00:13:01,031
I changed my mind. I'll be there.
309
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,449
Just watching you.
310
00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:09,331
Remy brought a bottle of...
311
00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:11,917
this?
312
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,002
I ferment things in the basement.
313
00:13:14,086 --> 00:13:15,462
I also make cheese.
314
00:13:15,546 --> 00:13:18,674
-Hm, you're not drinking that, Jess.
-Yes, I am, Remy made it.
315
00:13:21,552 --> 00:13:22,594
Ahh.
316
00:13:22,678 --> 00:13:24,304
-Think you can handle some, Nick?
-Oh, I'm okay.
317
00:13:24,388 --> 00:13:26,098
Somebody needs to stay sober
to fight you later.
318
00:13:26,181 --> 00:13:30,102
Nick, be nice. How hard could it be
to just open yourself up a little bit?
319
00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:32,312
Dip your toe in the pool of possibilities.
320
00:13:32,396 --> 00:13:34,731
Yeah, Nick. Dip your toe.
321
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,109
You guys have a lot in common.
322
00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:39,570
Nick went through a break-up last year
that was really hard on him.
323
00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:41,280
(WHISPERS) Schmidt said
your mom had to fly out.
324
00:13:41,363 --> 00:13:42,948
That was a scheduled trip.
325
00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:46,201
Did you smell your girl
on your sheets for months
326
00:13:46,285 --> 00:13:49,538
until they were too soaked through
with your own sweat and tears?
327
00:13:50,455 --> 00:13:52,583
-No.
-Did you punch out all the windows
328
00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:55,169
until you hit the wall
and broke your hand?
329
00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:57,713
Did you go out, looking for companionship,
330
00:13:57,796 --> 00:13:59,590
a little human warmth,
331
00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:02,926
only to come to in the woods
covered in animal blood?
332
00:14:05,179 --> 00:14:07,139
-In my own way.
-Come here, man.
333
00:14:08,432 --> 00:14:11,268
(SIGHING, PANTING)
334
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:12,936
-It's gonna be okay.
-Yeah.
335
00:14:15,981 --> 00:14:19,735
Well, I guess I'll just go home
and open a bottle of wine.
336
00:14:22,404 --> 00:14:24,281
Yeah, I'll probably just do the same.
337
00:14:27,743 --> 00:14:29,995
(MURMURS)
338
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:34,458
(BEEPS)
339
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,022
(CAR ALARM BLARING)
340
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,859
I want you. Now.
341
00:15:00,943 --> 00:15:02,069
Finally.
342
00:15:10,619 --> 00:15:12,079
(TIRES SCREECH)
343
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:14,873
No, no, no, no, she wanted me to! Oh, dip!
344
00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:17,876
-No, no! Stop! Stop hitting him!
-She wanted me to! Consensual, guys!
345
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:18,961
-Tap out, ow, tap out!
346
00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:20,629
(LAUGHTER)
347
00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:23,799
Oh, man, tonight is just...
348
00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:28,303
I-I honestly didn't know
if I'd ever enjoy myself again.
349
00:15:28,387 --> 00:15:30,597
So... thanks.
350
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,559
Bathroom break. (CLEARS THROAT)
351
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,187
See? I was right.
352
00:15:37,271 --> 00:15:39,064
-What do you mean, you're right?
-You're wrong.
353
00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:41,525
You see the way he's buttering me up
so he can move in on you?
354
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,527
Why can't you just admit
that you were wrong?
355
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,320
How have you lived this long on your own?
356
00:15:45,404 --> 00:15:47,489
There is no part of that man
that wants to sleep with me.
357
00:15:47,573 --> 00:15:49,700
NICK: He's been creeping on you all night.
JESS: No, he hasn't been.
358
00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:51,493
NICK: Open your eyes, like, I'm worried...
JESS: No!
359
00:15:54,538 --> 00:15:55,789
Oh...
360
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,711
Hey, Remy, what happened to your pants?
361
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:02,296
I've never done a threesome.
362
00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:05,716
That's what we're doing here, right?
363
00:16:08,177 --> 00:16:10,095
This I did not expect.
364
00:16:13,390 --> 00:16:15,350
I love watching you be wrong, Jess.
365
00:16:15,434 --> 00:16:17,394
I might've been a little bit off
about Remy,
366
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:20,355
but people are generally good,
and I'm not wrong about that.
367
00:16:20,439 --> 00:16:23,108
-Jess, people are jerks.
-He is hurting from his divorce...
368
00:16:23,192 --> 00:16:25,611
Are you still making excuses for this guy?
369
00:16:25,694 --> 00:16:28,113
Well, look, if you feel so bad,
then just get in there.
370
00:16:28,197 --> 00:16:30,991
Just dip your toe
into the pool of possibility.
371
00:16:32,701 --> 00:16:35,746
Hey, Remy, let's get weird
and toss that ball around, huh?
372
00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:39,374
-So turned on.
-Okay, you would
373
00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:42,336
seriously have a threesome with that man
just to get me to admit that I'm wrong?
374
00:16:42,419 --> 00:16:44,087
I think we could do a lot worse than Remy.
375
00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:45,297
He's got strong arms.
376
00:16:51,345 --> 00:16:53,347
Let's have a threesome.
377
00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:00,270
Ugh...
378
00:17:02,814 --> 00:17:05,067
All right, so, a ménage a trois
379
00:17:05,150 --> 00:17:08,153
-is about three of us... trois...
-Sure.
380
00:17:08,237 --> 00:17:10,614
-...ménage-ing fully.
-Oui.
381
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:14,284
Okay. This is happening with this guy.
382
00:17:14,368 --> 00:17:16,828
-This is happening right now, Jess.
-Yeah.
383
00:17:16,912 --> 00:17:19,206
So, it's gonna get
even a little more uncomfortable.
384
00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:21,500
We just have to keep talking
with each other, all right?
385
00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:23,293
Around and communicating.
386
00:17:23,377 --> 00:17:24,795
Let's get some relax music going.
387
00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:26,713
-Great idea. Thank you.
-Okay? All right.
388
00:17:26,797 --> 00:17:28,757
Why can't you just admit
that he's a good guy?
389
00:17:28,841 --> 00:17:31,510
We are about to have a ménage a trois
'cause you won't admit you're wrong.
390
00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:32,845
-You're out of your mind.
-I'm just saying he's a good guy.
391
00:17:32,928 --> 00:17:35,931
-(PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING)
-Yeah, get into it.
392
00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:38,058
Oh, I am so into this.
393
00:17:38,141 --> 00:17:39,852
I can't wait till we're all ménage-ing.
394
00:17:39,935 --> 00:17:41,687
-Are you into this, Jess?
-Yeah.
395
00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:43,814
-Say you're wrong.
-No, turn this up. It's great.
396
00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:45,482
Say it's over, and it's over.
397
00:17:45,566 --> 00:17:48,193
-Don't get nervous, Nick.
-(MOUTHING)
398
00:17:48,277 --> 00:17:50,404
This is just a regular conversation
we're having.
399
00:17:50,487 --> 00:17:51,822
-Oh, yeah.
-Except I'm rubbing your back.
400
00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:53,657
-That's right.
-And then I'm going to start
401
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,492
unbuttoning your pants,
402
00:17:55,576 --> 00:17:58,704
and then I'm gonna unbutton my shirt.
403
00:17:59,663 --> 00:18:01,498
I'm not gonna take
my underpants off, though.
404
00:18:01,582 --> 00:18:03,709
Not right away,
I'm gonna keep my underpants on
405
00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:07,379
until I let you
take my underpants off, Nick.
406
00:18:07,462 --> 00:18:10,507
Okay? Because you are gonna be
the underpants captain tonight.
407
00:18:10,591 --> 00:18:12,759
-Makes sense.
-Great choice, Remy.
408
00:18:12,843 --> 00:18:15,596
Nick will make a fantastic
underpants captain.
409
00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:17,598
-Let's bring it in.
-Okay.
410
00:18:17,681 --> 00:18:19,433
You two get us started.
411
00:18:19,516 --> 00:18:21,101
-Me and Jess get it started?
-Yeah.
412
00:18:21,185 --> 00:18:23,562
-All right? Go ahead.
-Us two, getting it started.
413
00:18:23,645 --> 00:18:26,148
You know what to do.
Breathe into each other.
414
00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:27,691
Oh, yeah, Jess. I'm not here.
415
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,318
Relax into the ménage.
416
00:18:29,401 --> 00:18:30,944
Let's get this started, Nick.
417
00:18:31,028 --> 00:18:32,154
-You doing this?
-REMY: Come together.
418
00:18:32,237 --> 00:18:33,530
-Yes. Are you doing this?
-'Cause I'm... Yes.
419
00:18:33,614 --> 00:18:34,656
-I will do it.
-All right, okay.
420
00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:35,824
-We're gonna do it.
-Then let's do this.
421
00:18:35,908 --> 00:18:37,075
Nick, I will do this.
422
00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:38,702
-Say that you're wrong, and it's over.
-I'm not wrong.
423
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:41,163
-Jess, you can't do this. But I can.
-Okay.
424
00:18:41,246 --> 00:18:42,247
Let's do this, Nick.
425
00:18:42,331 --> 00:18:43,665
-Let's do it, Jess.
-I can do it...
426
00:18:43,749 --> 00:18:44,750
(MUFFLED YELL) No, okay!
427
00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:46,251
Fine, I admit it, I'm wrong.
428
00:18:46,335 --> 00:18:48,962
Yes! Yes!
429
00:18:49,046 --> 00:18:51,757
-I'm sorry, Remy.
-REMY: What, we're not doing this?
430
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:52,841
JESS: No.
NICK: We're not doing it.
431
00:18:52,925 --> 00:18:55,302
I get it, cold feet is just, you know,
it's part of the journey, so...
432
00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:57,012
Whoa! What is going on in here?
433
00:18:58,889 --> 00:19:00,974
All right, I am not ready for a four-way.
434
00:19:01,058 --> 00:19:02,684
That's, uh, I'm-I'm...
435
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:05,270
I'm out of this.
436
00:19:08,065 --> 00:19:10,609
To be honest,
I'm kind of riding a weird ego high.
437
00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:14,780
Why didn't you tell me four people
couldn't live in this apartment?
438
00:19:14,863 --> 00:19:18,033
If we're gonna do a shenanigan,
I'm fine with doing shenanigans.
439
00:19:18,116 --> 00:19:20,452
I love shenanigans,
as long as no one gets hurt.
440
00:19:20,536 --> 00:19:22,412
-(LOUD POPPING)
-(JESS SCREAMS)
441
00:19:22,496 --> 00:19:25,541
Okay, just so we're clear,
we're gonna have to live with this, right?
442
00:19:25,624 --> 00:19:27,042
-Yep.
-Absolutely.
443
00:19:28,836 --> 00:19:30,087
SCHMIDT: Hey, Kim?
444
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:32,214
Look, I just wanted to
apologize for yesterday.
445
00:19:32,297 --> 00:19:34,424
I hope you didn't get into
too much trouble, I just...
446
00:19:34,508 --> 00:19:37,219
I really don't want to lose my job, okay?
447
00:19:37,302 --> 00:19:40,514
I've worked at Associated Strategies
for six years.
448
00:19:40,597 --> 00:19:43,183
Nothing means more to me than Ass Strat.
449
00:19:43,267 --> 00:19:45,936
-Your lip is bleeding.
-It opens back up when I talk.
450
00:19:46,061 --> 00:19:50,399
Look... (SIGHS) Kim, this wasn't
your standard 2:00 a.m.
451
00:19:50,482 --> 00:19:52,651
mistaken assault in the parking garage.
452
00:19:52,734 --> 00:19:56,405
I've had a thing for you ever since
I was the husky kid in the mailroom.
453
00:19:56,488 --> 00:19:58,699
And if... if you don't believe me...
454
00:19:58,782 --> 00:20:00,367
here you go.
455
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:03,662
Straight from '07. Read resolution
number four. It's about you.
456
00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:07,708
"Only think about hot new C.F.O.
every other time I masturbate."
457
00:20:08,709 --> 00:20:11,211
I did not live up to the challenge.
458
00:20:11,295 --> 00:20:13,505
Number seven: "Start floating idea
459
00:20:13,589 --> 00:20:16,508
"that people call me
Mr. Finish/Game Time Jones/
460
00:20:16,592 --> 00:20:19,261
-"The Hook-up-erator."
-Can I...?
461
00:20:19,344 --> 00:20:22,764
Number nine: "Just pick a color of Crocs
and buy them already."
462
00:20:22,848 --> 00:20:24,057
Okay, thank you.
463
00:20:26,268 --> 00:20:27,269
Hey.
464
00:20:28,770 --> 00:20:31,773
Go into the conference room
and dial me into the Tokyo call.
465
00:20:31,857 --> 00:20:32,858
Now.
466
00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:37,487
Yeah.
467
00:20:50,584 --> 00:20:52,377
Pants. Pants.
468
00:21:06,725 --> 00:21:08,268
(SIGHS)
469
00:21:13,315 --> 00:21:16,693
(COUNTING IN JAPANESE)
470
00:21:16,777 --> 00:21:18,445
...five, six...
471
00:21:18,529 --> 00:21:21,698
I dialed you into the Tokyo
conference call.
472
00:21:21,782 --> 00:21:22,783
(CLICKS TONGUE)
473
00:21:23,575 --> 00:21:24,826
(CONFUSED MURMURING)
474
00:21:24,910 --> 00:21:29,122
Yo, you look awesome.
475
00:21:29,206 --> 00:21:30,415
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
476
00:21:33,210 --> 00:21:34,837
My door is always open.
36381
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