All language subtitles for New Girl S01E11 Jess and Julia 1080p DSNP WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-MiU_track4_[eng]

Your sheets are so soft.

They've actually been in my
family for almost 40 years.

-Wow.
-If these old things could talk, huh?

-Ew.
-I was just trying to paint a picture.

Read the room.

-(CHUCKLING)
-Sheez.

(SHOWER RUNNING)

-Hey, Julia.
-Hey.

It's so fun having
another girl around here.

(WHISPERS) There are tampons hidden
all over the apartment.

(SHOWER STOPS)

SCHMIDT: Ah! Damp towel! Damp!

-Here we go.
-SCHMIDT: It's like a really big wet-nap.

Ah. I feel like I'm being licked
by a Golden Retriever.

Look at this bathroom.

There should not
be two girls in this bathroom.

You're too humid.
You make everything damp.

Eighty percent of the products in here
are yours.

Blah, blah, blah, yawn, yes.

I use sculpting chutney.

Once I'm done with my chutney,
back in the row it goes.

-Hair everywhere...
-Yo.

SCHMIDT: The multicolored
rubber bands.

I'm fine with it.
It's all okay with me.

But a damp towel
is where I draw the line.

Sorry, what are your
thoughts on damp towels?

Oh, you'd better watch it,
Nick's overnight guest.

-Julia.
-SCHMIDT: I know your name.

-Are you flexing right now?
-No.

-NICK: Hey.
-Hey. So,

I'm gonna get ready in your room.

Sure. Feeling weird
and uncomfortable here?

Hey, Julia, I'll see you later tonight.

Yeah. See you later.

She's helping me get out
of a traffic ticket.

Jess, are you seriously using
the girl I'm sleeping with

for free legal advice?

I'm sorry,
the girl you're sleeping with?

I mean, you can't
call her your girlfriend?

-We're not labeling it.
-(DEEP VOICE) Oh, you're not labeling it,

'cause you're too sophisticated.

Don't do your "sophisticated guy."

That's now how
a sophisticated man dances.

How does
a sophisticated man dance?

I'm too sophisticated

I don't believe in labeling

-You gotta get laid, man.
-You gotta get laid, man.

Yeah, I need to get laid.

-This is bad.
-Get out of here.

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

It's Jess

You know,
maybe I should call Shelby.

I haven't seen her since
I got back from Latvia.

We did have an amazing time together.

Whoo! That was amazing.

-Yeah.
-All right, bye.

I'm gonna call her.

Yeah, over in Latvia

they had this fermented milk
stuff that they drink.

Whole country runs on the stuff.

Called... (BLEATS)

(BLEATS) Was definitely one
of my biggest endorsements.

I mean, I have a lot of endorsements,

but that was probably
my biggest endorsement

-amongst other endorsements that I had.
-Wow.

So, um... Your place or mine?

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS UNCERTAINLY)

What are we laughing at?

How much I'm not going
home with you tonight.

(LAUGHING)

You show up after two years,
out of the blue,

and all you do is talk about yourself.

You don't let me
get a word in edgewise.

Why did you agree to let me
take you out for drinks?

Winston, you took me out for a drink

at the place where I work!

Here's your bill.

Thanks for the water.

Man, I told you to get
yourself whatever you wanted.

You chose water.

JESS: Have a seat.

JULIA: Okay.

Let me get you a blanket.

Why would I want a blanket right now?

-Just to get toasty.
-Oh.

Would you like a cookie,
or a cupcake? I made them.

Oh, no. I'm okay.

I'm not really a dessert person.

-I just don't eat it, usually.
-Okay.

I'm just gonna put this, like, right here.

-I don't... Okay.
-Just...

Why don't you just take me through
what happened with the ticket?

-Okay.
-They got a photo of you?

At the scene of the crime

Meh, meh, meh, meh

-(LAUGHS)
-Is this it?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Hmm. This may actually be
kind of hard to argue with.

Well, there's actually more
there than meets the eye.

Um, there was a bird,
he's not in the shot,

but he was injured,

and he couldn't get out of the road,
and so I braked, and then

I had to accelerate
out of the intersection.

You missed your first court date on this.

My ex-boyfriend failed to send it to me

before the court date,

because he doesn't believe in mail,

which has to do with his thoughts
on government spending.

Now it's an $800 fine.

That's why I need
a really awesome lawyer, like you.

So... Can you help me?

I mean, I can try. You never know.

A judge might buy into
this whole thing, so...

What "whole thing"?

Your whole thing.

With the cupcakes,
and the braking for birds, and...

"Bluebirds come and
help me dress in the morning."

Oh, I didn't know I was doing a thing.

It's a great thing. I mean, the big
beautiful eyes, like a scared baby.

I'm sure that gets you
out of all kinds of stuff.

Yeah. Yeah, except my peripheral vision's,
like, almost too good.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, so...

Living here, it's probably fun, right?

-Yeah.
-There are, like, lots of girls

coming in and out of this place?

Schmidt's like Ellis Island in the 1800s.

He accepts everyone.

Yeah, and... Winston and Nick...

I probably shouldn't...

Oh, yeah. Well, you don't have to...

Plead the fifth!

-No, that's not what...
-Objection!

-Nick, hey!
-Hey, Julia!

-Want to hang out in your room?
-Sure.

Jess, if you'll excuse us,

Julia's about to be very disappointed.

Okay, so I will look at
this stuff some more,

I'll call some people,
see what I can do.

Here's your blankie back.

-Power blazer. Hey.
-(CHUCKLES)

What's going on with the ticket?

She has a problem with me, Nick.

-Okay? She doesn't like me.
-What are you talking about?

You don't understand
'cause you're a guy.

She does not have a problem
with you. She's just...

Nick, your girlfriend's
not a dessert person.

Hmm.

She said you have "a whole thing"?

I'm sorry, she doesn't like desserts?

Where is she right now?

Look, I think I know what she meant.

I mean, you do like girly stuff.

I mean, it kind of
freaked me out at first.

When I met you,
you were wearing a hat made of ribbons.

My ribbon hat. I love that hat.

Screw her. And I'm gonna
wear that ribbon hat.

Go get it right now.

JESS: Be right back.

NICK: Whoa. There she is.

Nick, where is this bitch?

Gonna smack that lawyer learning
right out of her mouth.

Okay, this is getting excessive, guys.

She's actually helping her
get out of a ticket.

By being condescending
and judgmental?

What did she say?

JESS: Ugh, just drop it, Nick.

Okay, what did Julia do wrong?

It's just how girls fight sometimes.

There's a lot unsaid.

Like one time, a girl said to me,

"Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots."

Ooh. How did she say it?

"Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots."

-That is diabolical.
-I'm really sorry.

JESS: And it ruined our friendship.

I mean, I couldn't get over
the polka dot incident.

Warning! Spoiler alert.

Somebody unplugged my dehumidifier
to plug in their flatiron.

I will be putting my
dehumidifier and my towel

in my room,
where nothing ever gets wet.

All right, you know what, Jess?
Julia's one of those girls

where she doesn't have,
like, a lot of girl friends.

Because she thinks like a guy.
She doesn't play mind games.

-So blind!
-NICK: Look, all I know

is she's totally up front with me.

No subtext, no codes.

Oh. Okay. So did she
come right out and ask you

if you were seeing other girls?

Because she asked me.

-She did?
-You didn't know that?

'Cause I thought you guys
were so up front with one another.

I thought you guys
told each other everything.

CECE: Yeah.

She told him she didn't
want to "label" it.

Oh. I mean, that's a classic move,

even in the lesbian community.

(CLEARS THROAT)

What are we talking about?

Did you just hear the phrase
"lesbian community,"

and come running out of your room?

I did. Um...

Question, for you.

This community you speak of,

do the ladies look, uh...

More like this one or, you know...

-Kind of Nickish?
-Aw, shut up, Schmidt.

I did date a woman
who looked a lot like Nick.

You did. Felicia.

Why can't you just admit
that she's your girlfriend?

I know, I just thought
it was uncomplicated,

and now I'm freaking out.

I'm not good at being a boyfriend.

I'm good at being that guy
that you find yourself

spending more and more time with

until you meet your husband.

All right. So, so far,
Nick Miller's list of fears is

sharks, tap water, real relationships.

-And blueberries.
-SCHMIDT: Barkeep.

Get this man a drink.

Ladies, he hasn't had sex in four months.
Come and get it, ladies.

-I seriously hate you, Schmidt.
-Why?

It didn't go well with Shelby?

I gotta say, I thought it would be easy.

You know? Maybe...

Maybe I don't have game.
Maybe I never had game.

Maybe it's always been about basketball.

Yeah, you don't have any game.

It's always been because
you play basketball.

Are you seriously
just realizing you don't have game?

What is your secret, man?
How do normal guys get girls?

Let's not say "normal."
Just, you know, say what it is, "average."

WINSTON: You've had the most game
out of any of us.

Because for years now,

you've been working
with absolutely nothing.

-He makes a good point.
-Okay.

-I've been working with nothing.
-Zilch.

NICK: You're right, I've got nothing.

Except this.

Ow.

-(GLASS SHATTERS)
-Oh, my God.

JULIO: Miller! No cocktail.

Sorry, Julio.

Julia! Hey, Julia!

Hey.

Ooh. You guys are using names?

That's not too "labelly" for you?

-JULIA: Hey.
-Hey, hey, Jules.

Hey, hey.

Thought I'd drop by and say hello.

Oh, I didn't know
we were doing drop-bys.

Uh...

Here's a scenario
that's paid sexual dividends,

particularly in the Asian markets,

and I think, Jess,
you can back me up on this.

Inform her that you're an aerialist

for the Cirque du Soleil.

JESS: Winston, just ask questions,

pay attention to her, listen to her,

don't listen to him.

Oh, believe me,
I don't take advice from Schmidt.

Never have, never will. Ever.

So Jess told me what

-you asked her yesterday.
-What?

That you asked if I was
sleeping with other people.

That is not even... I... What?

I don't want to play games.

That's not what happened, okay?

I just said something
because I was feeling

kind of guilty, because I'm, uh...

I'm dating other people, and I just...

Wanted to see if you were
also dating other people.

-You're dating other people?
-Yeah.

No. No, I'm seeing other people, too.

Good. Good.

I'm having sex all the time.
I'm like a mailman.

Except instead of mail,
it's hot sex that I deliver.

I've had to start carrying, like,

athletic shoes in my purse,

'cause I have to sprint
from one sexual encounter to another.

Can't wear heels.

Well, I'm having sex right now.

Under the bar.

And she's on top.

So figure that out.

(MOANS DRAMATICALLY)

-Was that her?
-Yeah.

-Well, great.
-Great.

We're both doing the same thing.

We're on the same page.

Kudos, for not using labels.

-That is exactly what I want.
-It's my dream.

Just going to go to the bathroom quickly.

Okay. Great.

(SIGHS)

Hey. Julia?

Are you serious?

Did Nick say some stuff to you?

I'm really sorry and I want to explain...

Why would you tell him I said that?

Do you know what that
makes me look like?

-Um...
-I see what you're doing.

I know that I'm the mean lawyer girl

who wears suits and works too much

and you...
You're the really fun teacher girl

with all the colorful skirts
and you bake things.

And eventually,
Nick is gonna come running to you

and you'll tuck him in
under his blankie...

What is it with you
and the blankie thing?

I never said the word blankie.

I don't talk like Teddy Ruxpin.

If I acted the way
that you act when I was at work,

nobody would listen to me.

Well, if I acted like you at work,

my students would turn in

really weird, dark dioramas, so...

I don't like you.

And I don't want to be your friend, so...

-Fine.
-Can you leave, please?

Because... (SIGHS)

I am about to start crying,

and you are the last person
that I want to cry in front of.

I want to cry, too, and...

Where am I supposed to cry?

You can't monopolize
the bathroom crying space.

Please go.

What are you doing, Jess?

-Get out!
-I'm sorry.

(WHIMPERING)

-Winston, what are you doing?
-Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

I have come here to listen to you.

Should I have interrupted you
to tell you that? Probably not.

So how... How are you?

Tell me about your life,
and how is everything?

Winston, what am I supposed to do?

I was a booty call for two years,

and then I was nothing for two years.

You show up bragging after all this time

like nothing has changed.

What do you want me to think?

That I'm an idiot.

And you know what?
You're right, and I'm sorry.

It's just that since
I've stopped playing ball,

I realize I'm not that good at this.

And, frankly,
you are way out of my league.

That is clear now.

But I do hope this is not
the last time I see you,

but whatever you want, I'm cool with.

I got to get back to work.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll help you.

See?

I'm the manager.

-Oh, you're the manager?
-Yeah.

-Wow, that's amazing.
-It's okay.

Case 73. Mr. Sandoval.

I see you have dressed
for the occasion.

Oh. Hi.

You didn't have to come.

I'm sure you're very busy.

I said I would be here,

-so I'm here.
-Don't worry.

-I think I can handle it.
-Let's just

get this over with
so we can get out of here.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Your Honor.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(HUSKILY) Your Honor.

Your Honor.

These are the facts, Your Honor.

Your Honor

Case 74, Jessica Day.

-Yes, sir. Yes, I'm present, sir.
-Okay, listen.

You just have to enter the plea yourself,

all right, and I'll do the rest.

Okay. I got it, all right?

So, all you have to do is say...

Okay. I got it! Thank you.

-How do you plead?
-Guilty.

-What?
-Great. Pay your fine upstairs.

Well, I guess
we're never going to know

if the bird defense works.

Such a bummer, too.

We have this pool at my office.

Okay. Hey!

I got something to say to you, man.

What?

I brake for birds.

I rock a lot of polka dots.

I have touched glitter
in the last 24 hours.

I spend my entire day talking to children.

And I find it fundamentally strange

that you're not a dessert person.

That's just weird, and it freaks me out.

And I'm sorry I don't
talk like Murphy Brown.

And I hate your pantsuit.

I wish it had ribbons on it or something

to make it slightly cuter.

And that doesn't mean I'm not smart

and tough and strong.

Okay.

And I know you like Nick,

and I'm not trying to interfere,

but you should just talk to him about it.

Are you done?

I am almost done.

I'm about to go and pay this $800 fine,

and my checks have baby
farm animals on them, bitch.

JULIA: That's the wrong way.

You moved.

Remember my old place?

The place in the hood?

SHELBY: (LAUGHING) No, okay.

-It was hood-adjacent.
-Whatever.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SIGHS) So, um... So this was nice.

Yeah, it was.

You want to know
what I want to do now?

What?

Take you on a real date.

Why don't you call me?

Good night, Winston.

(GRUNTS)

(HIGH-PITCHED GRUNTING)

-Winston, what's happening?
-Huh?

Yeah, good night.

What is wrong with you, man?
You got no game.

That was so stupid.

(SIGHS)

Hey! Anyone!

My towel!

Can someone please get my towel?

It's in my room
next to my Irish walking cape.

The... The bigger towel.

Not... Do not touch the small one.

Okay, I left my towel in my room.

Nobody look.

-(SNICKERING)
-Nobody look, yo.

-We don't want to.
-Nobody look.

Seriously, no... No one's looking?

All right, forget it.

-Ah! Damn it!
-See, he's a natural blond.

What shape is that supposed
to be shaved into?

Think he's trying to force perspective.

(CHUCKLES) Very funny.
I got to get something off my chest.

-(ALL GROANING)
-No, Schmidt, there is an apron

right over there, go cover yourself.

-You are Jewish.
-You're making me gayer.

Are you going to go on,
like, a big wet towel rant?

No. This is now a sex rant.

To wit, six months ago, I thought

getting a girl roommate
would mean sex all the time.

Definitely with her friends
and probably with her.

Are there women here?

Yeah, sure, more than ever.

But you, not going to happen.

You, I will never give up.

And you... Well, you sample
from the gumbo pot.

-(LAUGHS)
-I am in a damp bathroom

full of naked women
every day, and I hate it.

It's like a nightmare.

I'm in a watermelon-themed
apron with a...

A tampon?

Why would you need this for cooking?

JESS: I just had an idea.

Why don't we hang our
towels on towel bars

instead of hooks,
and that'll make them dryer?

That is the...

That is... That is a great idea.

Quick question for you.

As a lesbian gynecologist,

perhaps, one of these days,
the two of us

could sit down and talk about OSI.

-What is OSI?
-Our shared interest.

-Schmidt, clothe yourself!
-SCHMIDT: All right.

Just a suggestion.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

JESS: Oh.

-Hey.
-Hi.

Nick's not here.

That's okay.

Uh, because I came here to...

Well, I kind of came

because I thought
it would be good if you and I...

CECE: Hey, Jess,
my hands are actually stuck

-in the yarn because...
-JULIA: Oh.

I didn't realize that you
had people over. Sorry.

No, it's just... Crochet time.

Yeah.

-Nick's not here right now.
-JULIA: No, I know.

Thanks.

I'll just come back later.

Hey, Julia?

Do you want to crochet with us?

I mean, growing up was brutal.

I went to an all-girls school.

The worst, girls can be
so mean to each other.

Yeah, Cece and I
hid in the bathroom for four years.

This is... This is really nice, guys.

Thank you for letting me join in.

It's totally relaxing.

Except that I don't know why

if I put the fox through the cave,

it doesn't... The yarn is broken.

I don't know why this
is not turning into...

What you making?

A hat.

If you're making a hat
for a baby, it is done.

Yeah.

NICK: Hey, Julia.

What are you doing here?

Could I talk to you for a second?

Okay.

Hey, Julia.

-Stop.
-No, there's something

that I need to say to you.

All right. Then go ahead.

-Okay.
-Okay.

I'm going to say it.

-(SIGHS) Okay, I...
-Just say it.

All right. I wanted to say that

I don't want to date anybody else.

I just want to date you.

Well, that's what
I was going to say to you.

-Really?
-Yeah.

So, then... So, then,
what does that mean?

You're, like, my boyfriend now?

I'm not really into labels.

Yeah, all right.

Boyfriend.

That's so lame.

You're totally going to

carry my books home from school.

I will if you wear
my leatherman jacket.

-It's "letterman" jacket.
-No, I'm pretty sure

-it's a leatherman jacket.
-You letter...

The leather sleeves
the football guys wear?

I'm right. I'm right.

I'm glad you pitched a fit,

because my towel is very dry.

I didn't pitch a fit. I just...

Damp! Damn it!

Everybody, bathroom now!

What's up, Dad?

-What, Schmidt?
-Is someone playing a joke on me?

Honestly, why is my towel still damp?

Because it's not your towel,
it's my towel, Schmidt.

No, it's not your towel.
Your towel is the red one.

NICK: I'll tell you this, pal.

I've never used that.

I do use that one every single day.

Oh, God.

This towel's so warm and fluffy.

It's like it's been in the sun forever.

This means you two
have been drying your junk

-with the same towel.
-Intimate.

Are you out of your mind?

NICK: What do you mean...

How do you think this is yours?

Do you even wash it?

No, I don't wash the towel,
the towel washes me.

(LAUGHING) Who washes a towel?

You never wash...

You wash your towel?

-You never wash the towel?
-NICK: What am I going to do?

Wash the shower next?
Wash a bar of soap?

You got to think here, pal.

I'm furious right now.

I get out of the damn shower,
I'm clean as a damn baby,

-and I use the towel.
-SCHMIDT: Let me ask you this.

Have you been wearing my underpants?

Sometimes, yeah. Who cares?

(GAGS)

You don't wear
each other's underpants?

You're lying.
We all wear each other's underwear.