All language subtitles for New Girl S01E10 The Story of the 50 1080p DSNP WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-MiU_track4_[eng]

$50 in the douchebag jar?

WINSTON: Absolutely, man.
NICK: Yes, absolutely.

-Why so much?
-I feel like it should actually be

more in the 100, 200 range,
so that's a discount.

-Think about what you did, Schmidt.
-(JESS CHUCKLES)

I lost it.

I lost the party bus.

-The party bus for your birthday party?
-Yeah.

Apparently, my business isn't
as important as Frankie Muniz's.

They canceled my rez.

There's nothing I can do.
The party's off.

You should torch them on Yelp.

Actually, I can do it.

I have an account
under the name Fantastic Jacques.

He's a French diplomat
with very little patience.

Or you could just get another bus.

In two days?

(SCOFFS) Okay, yeah, sure, Winston.

Why... Why don't I just go down
to the party bus store,

where all the party buses have
a state-of-the-art sound system,

a stripper pole, a love grotto,

and a steering wheel
in the shape of a boob.

You honk the nipple.

It's pretty awesome.

Just have the party at a bar.

Nick, this is it.

This is my 29th birthday party.

This is the year.

After this, I don't know, it's just...

Just all darkness.

Was he crying a little?

(SINGING)
Hey, girl, whatcha doing?

Hey, girl, where you going?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

-Who's that girl?
-It's Jess!

(DOOR CLOSES)

Hey, I just came to make sure you're okay.

(SIGHS)

I'm not okay, Jess.

I had to cancel my birthday party.
It's social suicide.

I can feel my it factor going away.

And then what am I gonna tell Benjamin?

Why are you so worried about Benjamin?
He's your friend.

Look, we have a very weird,
girl-style friendship

where we kind of hate each other.

We're bronemies.

He's my fremesis.

I'm so confused right now.

Okay, look, Benjamin and I,
we were suitemates in college.

Benjamin, I can't wait to get to L.A.
We're going to have so much sex...

In the morning,
in the afternoon, at bedtime.

Mmm, peanuts.

I'm telling you, man, I'm gonna
run that town one day. You'll see.

I'm gonna write you a check right now
for $100 million. How do you like that?

Damn, dude.

And this is a real check.

You can cash it
when I'm rich and awesome.

Give me about four years. Do the song.

(SINGING)
We built this Schmidty

BOTH:
We built this Schmidty on Tootsie Rolls

(BOTH LAUGHING)

If it wasn't for Benjamin, I...

I never would have become
a Los Angeles baller.

Holla.

I changed everything about myself, Jess.

I lost all the weight,
I changed my clothes,

I even dropped my voice half an octave,
but it wasn't enough.

I guess I'll just never
be cool enough, Jess.

Okay, I've got it.

We are going to
throw Schmidt a birthday party.

-No.
-Yes, 'cause it's his 29th birthday,

and we care.

Jess, Schmidt's world
is different than ours.

They speak a different language.

They shorten every word
to one syllable, okay?

He once called an oven an "ovs."

-He calls an airport "airp."
-He called ketchup "ketch."

Last month he went to a party
called Bros before Hos on the Moon.

What does that even mean?

And the dress code was "yacht flair."

-(CHUCKLES) What?
-WINSTON: Schmidt has a friend

who legally changed
his middle name to Doin' It.

-Yeah, Doin' It.
-Just one word, Doinit.

You are not emotionally, mentally,

and spiritually prepared
to throw these d-bags a party.

I'm gonna do some research.

Actually, I'm sorry, I do have to go.

-I apologize.
-Where are you going?

And why are you wearing
your jury duty pants?

I'm not, man, I'm just...
Mumble, mumble, mumble.

JULIA: Come on, lawyer party.

It's a classic fifth date.

What are you talking about?
I'm not gonna apologize for it.

I got nothing to apologize for.

-I owe you nothing.
-No, I'm having a really fun time.

I love wearing a Bill Cosby sweater

in front of a bunch of lawyers
who are younger than me.

(IMITATING COSBY) Hello, I'm Bill Cosby.
Do you like pudding?

My son's name is Theo
and his best friend is Cockroach.

That supposed to be Bill Cosby?

(NORMAL VOICE) Yeah.
That's as good as I can do.

-Let's see yours.
-Would you like to hear

-how he really sounds?
-Yes.

(IMITATING COSBY) I want to
get some more pudding.

That's the worst Bill Co...
How about this?

(IMITATING COSBY)
I got a daughter named Rudy Huxtable,

and she's the cutest
of all my daughters.

(NORMAL VOICE)
I'm really glad that you're here with me.

(NORMAL VOICE) Yeah, I'm happy
you let me be here with you.

No, I really am because
I got to, like, kiss all the asses

of these 24-year-old law students
to try to get 'em to work here.

I went to law school.

-You went to law school?
-(CHUCKLES) Yes!

-I quit. Yes.
-Quit law school? Why?

Because I realized I hated lawyers.

He says to the lawyer.

And for some reason I find you
ridiculously attractive for saying that.

Why don't you kiss my ass, then?

Look, Julia, I got turned around.

I thought we were doing
a flirty back-and-forth...

I'm actually just kidding.
I really do want to do that.

-(CHUCKLES) Oh, you would?
-Mmm-hmm.

Well, we can make that happen.

-Great.
-Let's go.

Let's go to your place.

You want to just go back to your place?
Do you mind?

Are you married or what?

(CHUCKLES) No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not married.

I am the opposite of married.

Before you, there was like...
There was like nothing.

I've got, like, no girls on the horizon.

In a hot way.

Why don't you ever
invite me to your place

or, like, tell me all
that much about yourself?

It's weird.
I don't even know where you live.

I'm 30 years old,
and I live in a loft with three roommates.

In a hot way.

(IMITATING COSBY) But maybe you can
kiss my butt when I talk like Bill Cosby.

All right, let's go.

-(NORMAL VOICE) Is that going to work?
-Uh-huh.

-Wow, weird stuff works with you.
-(LAUGHS)

Hi, yes, I'd like to order
a last-minute stripper.

Oh, um, preferably of Asian heritage.

Very bendy, with a heart of gold
and a crotch of gold.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah, I'll hold.

-Hey, Jess, Winston, this is Julia.
-JESS: Oh.

-Hi.
-We're just saying hi.

Nice to meet you guys.

Welcome to our home.
Hold on one second.

We're doing a surprise party for Schmidt.

-Who is that?
-Oh, I didn't tell you about Schmidt?

-No.
-(CHUCKLES) That's our other roommate.

-Other roommate.
-You know what? You should come.

-It's on Saturday.
-Yes.

JULIA: Cool, yeah.

You should stay as far
from that party as possible.

Is it like a presents thing

or more like a donations
to charity situation?

-No?
-Just bring yourself.

Do you want to head to my room
for a little bit?

Give you the rest of the tour
around the place.

-Great, yeah.
-Great.

JESS: Bye.

NICK:
Bye.

NICK: Okay, cool.

Hey, Winston, why'd you do that?

Are you hiding her from us?

Like, are you ashamed of your friends?

100%, and you're not my friend right now.

-You're my enemy, Winston. My enemy.
-Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss.

-No, that's the problem.
-Give me a kiss.

Thank you, Ms. Phatbooty, you're the best.

-(EXHALES)
-(JESS CHUCKLES)

Yes! I just hired my first stripper.

Anything else I should get?

Do you like jazz cigarettes?

Hi, Tanya.

Patti told me that...

Patti told you to break in my office
to look for drugs?

(LAUGHS)

Hey, JK kidding. JK kidding.

You can do whatever you want.

(JESS CHUCKLES)

I didn't know you liked to shop
at the Confiscation Station.

So what are you looking for? Grass?

'Cause I can do
a locker search on Monday.

Monday's too late because...

Oh, so what do you got
cooking this weekend, huh?

You have to tell me, I'm your boss.

What is it, a list thing, Paperless Post?

I'm free Friday,

but I can also make
Saturday or Sunday work.

Jess, what are you doing?
I'm making an egg yellows omelet.

The shallots and gouda
are going to congeal.

I can't... What is this?

ALL: Happy birthday!

-It's a party bus!
-(CHUCKLES)

I'm so excited.

Whoa, Jess, you really did
all this for me?

Okay, so...

Over here is kosher yogurt and honey.

-Kosher yoge?
-We got some condoms over here.

Small, medium, large,
whatever your preference.

-Well, I would use...
-I don't want to know.

And the R-rated section in the back
with the stripper pole.

It's normally used for stability,

but tonight it's gonna be used
for $50 worth of semi-nudity.

Coincidentally, I'm wearing
my lap dance pants.

JULIA: This is, like, your world, huh?

-No...
-It is.

-It's you in your natural habitat.
-(GROANS)

It's fascinating.

I'm just here for Schmidt.
I don't know any of these people.

Nicholas, what's up, N-word?

Don't call me "N-word."

I don't know this guy.

How's your family in Chicago?

Really good, thanks for asking.
They're all healthy.

That's good.

Oh, look at this big old pile
of birthday Schmidt.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, do you mind if I get a ride
on your school bus?

I don't want to be late for first period.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Why you got to do me
like that, Been-ja-meen?

(BOTH LAUGH)

-What's up, boys?
-What up?

Why don't you sing us
your birthday song?

Oh, you have a birthday song?

All right, all right, guys, come on.

Sing it, come on.

(SINGING)
We built this Schmidty

BOTH:
We built this Schmidty

-On rock...
-On Tootsie Rolls

JESS: Is that the lyrics?

Yeah, we used to make him sing that
because he was fat.

You know I'm just playing at you.

Yeah, hilarity, my man. Hilarity.

Yeah, come on, man.

You really live with that guy, huh?

Yeah, I really do.

Does he, like, tuck his shiny jeans
into boots when he goes out at night?

You know, the truth is,
I met Schmidt a long time ago

when we were in college and he was
this sweet, chubby communications major

-who wore cargo shorts and...
-Yeah.

I'm actually just messing with you.

Seriously, I think all of your friends
seem completely awesome

and nice and fun, so relax.

You don't have to say that.
They're my friends, you can tease 'em.

I don't want to tease them.

I tease them all the time,
they don't care.

Schmidt's a d-bag, you know,
but, like, not in a bad way,

and, like, Jess is a total nut.

-Oh...
-And Winston is like this

competitive maniac
who loves Sister, Sister,

and he's, like, afraid of thunder.

-But I'm the voice of re...
-Behind you. He's behind you.

-He's behind you.
-Right now he is?

Currently.

-And he's also one of my best friends.
-Oh, no, keep going.

(MUTTERS)

-You want to go on the bus?
-Yeah, let's go on the bus.

I'm really sorry, man.

I was just saying that
to show off for her.

Oh, no, man, I am bringing you down.

-Don't bring me down.
-(CHUCKLES)

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

-Bro juice?
-Vodka pom, right?

Winston said it was a tradish.

Look, Benjamin's smiling.

Jess, you did so good.

MAN: Is this stripper pole
weight-bearing?

Looks like some pretty shoddy
workmanship on the cap flange.

-Can I help you?
-Martin Fuller, GrindPalace.com.

Hi, I'm Jessica Day.

I spoke with your supervisor
on the telephone.

(WHISPERING)
Um, are you bringing the stripper?

'Cause I really wanted
to see her jugs first,

you know, just so...
Um, I do right by my bro.

We have a little miscommunicado.
Did you make the call?

Because if they hear a woman's voice,
then they send me.

I'm your stripper, folks.

Hey, need to clear this aisle.

-I got to have a perimeter.
-JESS: It's a joke. No.

-Please, please, please, no, you can't.
-Are you the birthday boy?

-I am the birthday boy.
-You are going to love it.

I do wet towel tricks.

-Nobody likes wet towel tricks.
-No, he does not love wet towel tricks.

I don't judge, pal.
I just want to have fun.

We're not... No.
Sir, you are not gonna...

I don't want to be rude,
but, uh, times are hard.

It is Saturday night,
so if I get hired to take my clothes off,

I'm gonna get naked.

So, I'll just put my gym bag down,
and I'll take my pants off.

-No, no, I'll handle it.
-SCHMIDT: Sit.

-Hey.
-(GRUNTS)

Hey, Mr. Fuller.

Mr. Fuller.

-Mr. Fuller?
-SCHMIDT: Oh, no.

It's getting a little nippy out.

Not a good time to start turtling.
(SLAPS THIGHS)

-Come on.
-Jess, make it stop.

I'm gonna pay you...

$50 to never show us your penis.

But what about tips?
I make my living on tips.

Well, can you do
anything else for the money?

I'm a baritone at my gospel choir
at First Presbyterian.

(PARTIERS WHOOPING AND CHEERING)

JESS: (OVER BULLHORN)
Everybody, everybody...

Hey!

Welcome to Schmidt's 29th!

(WHOOPING AND CHEERING)

Safety is of the utmost importance,
so the person sitting next to you

is gonna be your bus buddy
for the night.

Any time you're up and about,
please wear one of these fashion helmets.

And I brought drugs.

Tanya has half a pot cookie,
so maybe she'll share if you're lucky.

Okay, everybody, have fun!

Martin, sing us out.

(SINGING)
Oh, when he comes

And when he comes

He's gonna come for you...

No stripping!

Oh, sweet salvation!

Oh, when he comes...

$50. I've never put $50
in the douchebag jar.

Well, that's really impressive,
Schmidt, considering.

Someone's personalized condoms
just came in the mail.

Hey! Jar! $20.

Winston, did you know that NWA
didn't stand for "Never Walk Alone"?

$30. Jar.

Hey, man.

No! Jar, Schmidt.

-Jar!
-For what?

Somehow, Schmidt,
you've outdone yourself this time.

It was my birthday.

I... I was very drunk.

-(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

All right, everybody,
it's time for a shot.

A little bro-juice shot for Benjamin!

What?

-For Benjamin is a true...
-I'm the king!

JESS: I think we need to
take a shot for Schmidt

because he is the birthday boy.

Bro juice!

ALL: (CHANTING) Bro juice! Bro juice!

-What's bro juice?
-I have no idea.

Really?

Nick Miller invented bro juice
on Schmidt's twenty-second birthday.

-You remember that?
-Double boost.

ALL: (CHANTING) Bro juice! Bro juice!

Get over here and sip on your bro juice!

Bro juice! Bro juice!

Oh, Schmidt.

This is not gonna be attractive.

-Chug all that juice!
-WINSTON: Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

You know, we're way too old
for this, don't you?

-(JESS CHUCKLES)
-Oh, definitely.

Happy birthday, brother. I love you.

-Yeah!
-Happy birthday, Schmidty!

(WHOOPING)

-Yeah!
-(WHOOPING)

Bro juice!

Bro juice!

JESS: When I say "Par," you say "Tay."

-Par.
-ALL: Tay.

-Par.
-Tay!

Holla!

(WHOOPING)

What am I doing?

It makes you think, huh?

Twenties, they're almost over, man.

-It's crazy.
-Are you hitting that?

Jess?

-Yeah.
-No.

Well, then I think I'll help myself.

To sex, with your friend.

SCHMIDT: No, no, no.
Benjamin, you can't.

-Not with Jess. Please don't.
-Well, I can.

I can, and I will.

JESS: (OVER BULLHORN)
Good evening, night owls.

It's about to get bubonic in here,
for tonight, we're going to...

The Plague.

Sorry. It's just... It's just Plague.

It's a discotheque.

We'll be going there next.

Whose list are you on? Tristan's?

Isn't it just like a bar or something?

What do you pull down
a year in the game?

Ever since I started doing full frontal,
I pull down seven K a year easy.

Why? You interested in the life?

Me? A male stripper?
Come on. You're too kind.

But you know, theoretically,
if I were to get into the game,

you know, what are they looking for...
In the gator department?

You know what I mean?

Or is it just moving so fast
that it doesn't really matter?

Man, it's all about storytelling,
taking 'em on a journey.

Let me ask you some basics.

When you thrust, what's your
range of motion, side-to-side?

(SIGHS) Well, left... Right-right.

What about your testicles?
Are they more or less symmetrical?

Size, yes. Location, no.

What about your persona?

What? Fireman or a cop?

I didn't ask you your character.

Your persona.

I'm a Wolf-Hawk. What are you?

Luxury. Dessert.

I'm a warrior poet, man.

That's it.

I got a number for you to call.

You ever hook up with the ladies?

It's... It's ladies, like,
one out of 10 times at most.

You're dancing for dudes?

Yeah, I'm dancing for dudes.

All right, I'm sorry, okay?

You're so quiet.
You're having a terrible time.

I don't mean to be...
I'm probably just intimidated.

I'm sitting right next
to the inventor of bro juice.

-I get it, okay?
-That's... I'm gonna brag about that.

I did. I invented bro juice, okay?

-And now you want... You're done.
-What?

I get it. When we get off the bus,
it's over. I blew it.

That's ridiculous.
I don't care about any of it.

I really don't.
Everybody's got embarrassing stuff.

I mean, I have stuff
that you don't know about.

Like what?

Just don't lie to me about stuff,
and we'll be fine.

Fine.

-When I work out, which isn't often...
-Uh-huh.

...I listen to Huey Lewis
because it pumps me up.

Not ironically.

-Want to hear something else?
-(CHUCKLING) Okay.

I don't believe dinosaurs existed.

I've seen the science. I don't believe it.

-Want to hear something else?
-No, I think I'm good.

And I believe you, and I appreciate
all of this truth-telling.

I don't think you have stuff.

All right.

You're just perfect.

Uh... Yeah.

-Hey. Scooch.
-Oh.

-Oh, yeah.
-Okay.

-So, I texted Tristan.
-Oh. Oh, okay.

He said he could get us into Plague.

-JESS: Oh, that's... That's terrific.
-Yeah.

-Thank you.
-Well, just you and me, of course.

So why don't you ditch that zero
and get with the hero?

The hero is my penis.

-(CHUCKLES) Oh.
-(CHUCKLES)

Uh... No.

-JESS: No. No.
-Am I bad?

Hey, Benjamin.

Come on, just leave her alone.

Schmidt, your party is slugs, bro.

All right, you know what?

Schmidt, this party is the worst.

Come on, man.
This party is badass, all right?

Don't act like I didn't see you
over there eating on the charcut...

The, uh... The charcut...

-Charcuterie.
-JESS: Charcuterie.

The charcuterie. Don't act like
I didn't see you eating the charcut...

-Charcuterie.
-Charcuterie...

Hey, you know what, Curly?

You don't like the bus,
then get off it, pal.

-Schmidty's birthday, bud.
-You guys suck.

Let me talk to him for a sec.
I'm a lawyer.

-Can I just have a word with him, please?
-NICK: She's a lawyer.

Hi. Why don't you just
say that one more time?

Oh. You guys suck?

-(GROANS)
-(OTHERS GASP)

(CLAMORING)

(BLOWS LANDING)

Look out! Look out!

-Whoa!
-(BUS CRASHING)

JESS: Oh!

-Is everyone okay?
-Yes. No worries, Jess.

Is everybody okay?

-I'm so sorry.
-What, are you nuts?

-Oh, God.
-(BENJAMIN GROANING)

Who are you?

TANYA: (CHUCKLES) You like these? A-boom!

-Tanya, please stop flashing the driver.
-TANYA: Whoo-hoo!

What, are you like
The Bourne Identity person?

(SIGHS) I've got these iss...

Like, these anger management issues.

-Anger management?
-But I'm trying to fix it.

I go to all these class...

They're court-ordered classes, but...

-And what was, like, all this stuff you...
-It's martial arts. I...

I started doing martial arts,
ironically, because I thought

it would give me
a little bit more Zen in my life.

You must be really
freaked out right now.

-Yes, I am really freaked out.
-I'm so sorry.

I hate that I'm so turned on
by your craziness, but I, um...

-Go with it.
-I'm going with it.

You guys sure you're cool
waiting for the tow truck?

Yeah, it's fine.
I'll see you back at the loft.

Bye, guys. Happy birthday.

SCHMIDT: Thank you.
JESS: Bye, Julia. Bye, Bro Juice.

-Oh, thank you for that.
-SCHMIDT: Bro-J, my man.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

So, it's my birthday.

-Right now?
-Right now.

-Happy birthday.
-Happy birthday, Schmidt.

I'm 29, folks. What's up?

29!

29!

Can you please not tell anybody
I just did that?

That feels embarrassing.

Actually, you know what?
I don't care what people think.

Do you think I care too much
about what people think, Jess?

-Maybe a little bit.
-Maybe.

What? Did you have fun tonight?

'Cause I know
it was a little bit...flawed.

Jess, are you kidding me?

Tonight was...

-Tens across the board.
-(SNICKERS)

-No splash.
-(CHUCKLES)

-Good.
-No. For real, I had...

Nobody's ever done that for me before.

Any time, Schmidt. Any time.
(SNICKERS)

Schmidt, why are you
looking at me like that?

(JESS CHUCKLES)

Shh...

'Cause you had...
You had fuzz on your face.

-No, no, because I thought...
-Oh, my God.

-You had fuzz on...
-Jar!

-Schmidt!
-You had a piece of fuzz, and...

It was a little piece of fuzz.
It was right there, and just...

-Just put it in the jar, Schmidt.
-Yeah, come on. No excuses, Schmidt.

WINSTON: You tried to kiss her!

Okay. For you... For you guys.

Happy birthday.

29!

-Ten more.
-(WINSTON AND JULIA CHUCKLE)

Sorry about that.

SCHMIDT: Frankie Muniz.

Ooh, Jess, I just found a Groupon
for hypnosis lessons.

Think about what you can do with that.

-Sex stuff.
-JESS: Jar.

(SIGHS) Look, guys,
has anyone seen my good pea coat?

WINSTON: Jar!

Have you seen
my sharkskin laptop sleeve?

NICK: Jar!

Darn it! Has anyone seen
my croquet cleats?

Hey, Jess, have you seen
my other timepiece?

Nick, I came up with the best name
for an uncircumcised penis.

Bishop in a turtleneck!

NICK: Ugh! Jar!

Damn it! I can't find
my driving moccasins anywhere!