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1
00:00:02,461 --> 00:00:04,463
(BOTH MOANING)
2
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(PAUL MUMBLES)
3
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-Meow.
-(CHUCKLES) Meow.
4
00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:16,642
(GROWLS)
5
00:00:17,559 --> 00:00:18,894
(PAUL MOANING)
6
00:00:20,604 --> 00:00:21,605
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
7
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(DOOR CLOSES)
8
00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:26,527
Wait, wait. Are we really gonna do this?
9
00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:28,779
-Yes. Yes!
-Okay.
10
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:32,407
(SINGING)
Intercourse, intercourse
11
00:00:32,491 --> 00:00:33,492
Intercourse.
12
00:00:33,575 --> 00:00:34,868
(CHANTS) Intercourse.
13
00:00:34,952 --> 00:00:35,953
(MIMICS CROWD NOISES)
14
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Sorry, that was weird. (CHUCKLES)
15
00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:38,789
No, no, no. It's okay.
16
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:41,375
-I have to go to the loo.
-Okay.
17
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:44,962
Hey, tiger.
18
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,880
You're having sex tonight.
19
00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:52,135
Don't give me that look, just do it.
20
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:56,348
I'm sorry.
21
00:00:56,431 --> 00:00:57,474
No.
22
00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:59,268
You kidding? Don't worry about it.
23
00:00:59,643 --> 00:01:00,894
It's fine.
24
00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:06,066
I just haven't had sex with anyone
but Spencer in six years,
25
00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:07,526
and I get so nervous.
26
00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:11,071
It's like starting a new job
with a really weird interview.
27
00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:13,031
Don't worry about it. I'm good.
28
00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:14,449
I'm more than good.
29
00:01:14,533 --> 00:01:15,742
It's okay.
30
00:01:15,826 --> 00:01:17,995
You know what? Tomorrow night.
31
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,873
Let's just go out to dinner
and then just nail each other.
32
00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:22,291
Just pound each other.
33
00:01:22,374 --> 00:01:25,043
V-bomb on the P-bomb.
(MIMICS EXPLOSION SOUND)
34
00:01:25,127 --> 00:01:28,505
I would have the…P-bomb, right?
35
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(SINGING)
Who's that girl?
36
00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:31,592
Who's that girl?
37
00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:33,051
Who's that girl?
38
00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:34,928
-Who's that girl?
-It's Jess!
39
00:01:36,638 --> 00:01:38,432
NICK: Yes, I'm confirming the appointment.
40
00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:40,100
I made the damn appointment.
41
00:01:40,184 --> 00:01:41,435
That's what… Why wouldn't…
42
00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:43,395
Yeah, okay. Appointment confirmed.
43
00:01:43,478 --> 00:01:45,480
Thank you. Thank you very much.
44
00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:47,608
Yeah, there's not a chance I'm going.
45
00:01:47,691 --> 00:01:48,859
Can you not do this to yourself?
46
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,277
Look at your hair, you look ridiculous.
47
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:51,445
What am I supposed to talk about
for an hour?
48
00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:53,906
-It's a haircut.
-No, you're trapped.
49
00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:56,992
You can't move, and they're standing
behind you with their hands in your hair,
50
00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:59,203
and they expect you to talk back.
51
00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:01,914
Oh, yeah, it's your baby.
52
00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:03,415
It's cute.
53
00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:05,709
Yeah, your baby's cute.
54
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,587
Okay, I tell you what, man,
just come to my place.
55
00:02:08,670 --> 00:02:10,881
No, I'm not going to
a black barbershop, Winston.
56
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,634
I've seen the movies.
I know how fast they talk.
57
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:16,094
I don't need to seem
any less cool than I already do.
58
00:02:16,178 --> 00:02:17,721
-Want to go to my salon?
-Hey, guys.
59
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:19,723
-Hey.
-So, um…
60
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,600
Heads up, Paul's coming tonight.
61
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:25,437
And I just wanted to tell you
that I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree.
62
00:02:25,521 --> 00:02:28,398
I'm gonna be searching for some syrups.
63
00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:29,691
I'm gonna be having sex with him.
64
00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:30,776
WINSTON: All right.
SCHMIDT: All right, hey!
65
00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:32,027
Why are you telling us this?
66
00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:33,612
'Cause I want to.
I want to give you a heads up.
67
00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:35,197
You nervous? You need tips?
68
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,074
No, I'm not nervous.
69
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,034
Just, you know, I can drive stick.
70
00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:40,619
-(CHUCKLES)
-Yeah, 'cause it seems like
71
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:43,539
you're freaking out a little bit.
With this whole activity.
72
00:02:43,622 --> 00:02:44,998
That's not stick, that's automatic.
73
00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:46,458
That's not automatic.
74
00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:48,252
(EXHALES)
75
00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,337
Another bathroom break, Schmidt?
76
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:51,880
You know, I've been timing you all day.
77
00:02:51,964 --> 00:02:53,715
Seven minutes and 23 seconds.
78
00:02:53,799 --> 00:02:55,342
I wonder what was going on in there.
79
00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:57,386
Hmm? You pooped.
80
00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:59,096
Can you stop timing me, please?
81
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,014
-It's ridiculous that you do that.
-I will break you.
82
00:03:01,098 --> 00:03:03,934
Hey, Lisa!
You were on fire last night, girl!
83
00:03:04,268 --> 00:03:05,352
I'm taking her job.
84
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:06,645
What did you do last night?
85
00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:09,439
Everyone from the office went
to Jill's bachelorette party.
86
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:10,899
Why don't I get invited places?
87
00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:12,693
Is it because
I'm the only man in the office?
88
00:03:12,776 --> 00:03:15,237
-"Man." That's adorable.
-How is it…
89
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,197
-You know, Sarah got promoted.
-Sarah?
90
00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:18,657
With the… With the gums?
91
00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:19,908
-Yeah.
-So she's out of the…
92
00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:21,869
That corner cubicle is free.
93
00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:25,330
(SIGHS)
94
00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:26,999
So much kick-back space.
95
00:03:27,082 --> 00:03:33,005
And, you know, Gina personally
invited me to her baby shower tonight.
96
00:03:33,088 --> 00:03:36,758
So that corner cubicle,
that's all mine.
97
00:03:38,010 --> 00:03:41,013
You like a Bond villain?
You just told me your whole plan.
98
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:44,892
(CHUCKLES)
99
00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:50,022
(BRITISH ACCENT)
Mr. Darcy's going to love my new bonnet.
100
00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:52,274
Why are we here?
101
00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:55,402
You don't understand.
You've never been cheated on before.
102
00:03:55,485 --> 00:04:01,700
Spencer and I never tried anything new,
and maybe if I'd been…more erotic…
103
00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:04,536
Spencer cheated on you
because he's a total jerk,
104
00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:07,247
-not 'cause you're bad in bed.
-It's been six years.
105
00:04:07,331 --> 00:04:09,374
Everything I know about sex,
I learned from Spencer
106
00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:11,043
or the Clinton impeachment trials.
107
00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:14,880
MAN: He used a cigar as a sexual aid
with her in the Oval Office area…
108
00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:16,256
-WOMAN: Jess!
-Mom?
109
00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:19,343
I'm not listening to NPR.
110
00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:22,012
-(WHISTLES)
-No. No whistle.
111
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,972
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)
-It's terrible!
112
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,392
Uh, excusez-moi.
113
00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:29,394
Can I try this on, please?
114
00:04:29,478 --> 00:04:31,063
Oh, the starfish. You can't try that on.
115
00:04:31,146 --> 00:04:32,147
Health code.
116
00:04:32,814 --> 00:04:34,107
I'll take it!
117
00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:35,192
Ha!
118
00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:42,449
I hope Paul's packing some coral polyps,
'cause this starfish is hungry. (CHUCKLES)
119
00:04:43,659 --> 00:04:45,118
Starfish eat coral polyps.
120
00:04:45,202 --> 00:04:46,453
Just pay, Jess.
121
00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:48,956
So, today I'm gonna show you
how to cut your own hair.
122
00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:50,582
Uh, I consider myself…
123
00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:52,709
Oh, whoa! Whoa, whoa!
What the hell are you doing, Nick?
124
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,878
It's a haircut! Human interaction.
125
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:57,297
You're a bartender,
you talk to strangers every single day.
126
00:04:57,381 --> 00:04:59,550
I don't like when
they touch my head, Winston.
127
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:00,717
I don't like it.
128
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:02,803
Go to the damn salon!
129
00:05:02,886 --> 00:05:04,304
No, it's fine, okay?
130
00:05:04,388 --> 00:05:05,889
I'm learning how to do it myself.
131
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:07,266
I'm learning from this video.
132
00:05:08,892 --> 00:05:09,893
(SCREAMING)
133
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,478
-WINSTON: Oh!
-Oh, my God, man!
134
00:05:11,562 --> 00:05:12,729
(SCREAMING)
135
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,275
I was wondering
why it had so many views.
136
00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:17,359
Let's watch it again.
137
00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:18,944
Hey.
138
00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:20,028
-(CHUCKLES)
-What?
139
00:05:20,112 --> 00:05:21,947
You know, Gina, I was just walking by
140
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:26,159
and, I mean, I was literally
pulled in here by the glow.
141
00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:28,453
-What do you want, Schmidt?
-I was just working my tail off
142
00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:31,164
at my cubicle, which,
between you and me, is surrounded
143
00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:33,041
by a couple of chatty Cathys.
144
00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:34,334
I mean, that's really their names.
145
00:05:34,418 --> 00:05:35,419
It's Cathy S. and Cathy G.
146
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:37,838
Anyway, they won't shut up
about a baby shower tonight
147
00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:40,757
for a certain VP VP.
148
00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:44,595
"Very pregnant vice presidente."
149
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,597
You're the worst. Seriously, the worst.
150
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:47,681
Get out.
151
00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:49,975
Gina, honestly,
it would mean so much to me
152
00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:52,144
if you would just let me
come to your baby shower.
153
00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:54,104
Okay, fine. Come to my baby shower.
154
00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:56,106
-I can come? So I'm invited?
-Yeah.
155
00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:58,025
-Yeah, you're invited.
-All right. I saw your registry.
156
00:05:58,108 --> 00:05:59,860
I'm gonna get you
one of those portable baby pumps.
157
00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:02,696
You're just out there in every day life,
(CHUCKLES) but you're pumping yourself
158
00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:04,364
at the same time, you know.
Just milking away.
159
00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:05,490
Just… (MAKES SHOOTING NOISES)
160
00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:06,700
-Get out.
-Okay, I'm gonna go.
161
00:06:09,745 --> 00:06:10,871
Why don't we meet here at 8:00?
162
00:06:10,954 --> 00:06:12,122
PAUL: Great. Okay.
163
00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:13,498
Uh, where's the place?
164
00:06:13,582 --> 00:06:16,210
Um, I think it's in Koreatown.
165
00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:17,336
Let me check.
166
00:06:17,419 --> 00:06:19,046
Ooh, exotic.
167
00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:22,382
(SIGHS) Let me see here.
168
00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:23,926
(WOMAN SHRIEKS, WHIP CRACKS OVER COMPUTER)
169
00:06:24,009 --> 00:06:25,010
(MAN MOANS)
170
00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:26,261
PAUL: Jess?
171
00:06:26,762 --> 00:06:27,804
What?
172
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,306
Oh, um…
173
00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:31,558
Sorry, uh…
174
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,018
Can I call you back?
175
00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:34,144
Yeah.
176
00:06:34,228 --> 00:06:36,230
(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING,
SPEAKING SPANISH)
177
00:06:36,939 --> 00:06:38,106
(KEY CLICKS, VIDEO STOPS)
178
00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:39,900
Hey, Schmidt!
179
00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:41,693
Can I borrow your computer?
180
00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,739
Nick? Winston?
181
00:06:47,491 --> 00:06:48,659
(KEY CLICKS, VIDEO RESUMES)
182
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,369
(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING,
SPEAKING SPANISH)
183
00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:51,495
(WHIP CRACKS)
184
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:52,746
(CHUCKLES)
185
00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:55,082
What?
186
00:06:55,165 --> 00:06:56,625
(MECHANICAL BUZZING)
187
00:06:56,708 --> 00:06:58,627
(WOMAN SHRIEKS, MAN CHUCKLES)
188
00:06:58,710 --> 00:06:59,837
What?
189
00:07:00,671 --> 00:07:02,714
(MAN LAUGHS, WHIP CRACKS)
190
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:05,676
Hey, do you have my comput…
191
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,427
Oh, my computer.
192
00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:09,054
-I have your computer.
-I can see that.
193
00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:11,306
Hey, I got to cram for this baby shower.
194
00:07:11,390 --> 00:07:13,016
Can I… Can I have it back?
195
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,977
I've been watching porn.
196
00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:17,354
You… (CHUCKLES)
197
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,481
I found your red folder.
198
00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:21,316
How… How long you been
doing that for? Are you okay?
199
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,402
Five and a half hours.
200
00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,072
-(HORSE NEIGHS)
-MEN: Wow.
201
00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:29,366
You went deep, Jess. Real deep.
202
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,493
Help me, guys. I have 15 minutes.
203
00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:33,287
Teach me how to be good at sex.
204
00:07:36,832 --> 00:07:39,751
I just… I have to go on this date
right now and I can't do it.
205
00:07:39,835 --> 00:07:42,296
I'm freaking out, okay?
206
00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:44,506
I need all of you to sit in front of me
207
00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:46,675
and tell me what guys like in bed,
right now.
208
00:07:47,593 --> 00:07:49,136
-What do you want to know?
-Okay.
209
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:51,638
Um, when you're… (SIGHS)
210
00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:52,973
If you're in the…
211
00:07:53,432 --> 00:07:55,225
If you're holding the… (SIGHS)
212
00:07:55,684 --> 00:07:57,311
Start over. Um…
213
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,731
When you reach…
214
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:04,401
Completion…
215
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:05,903
-Yeah, that was it.
-Completion?
216
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,112
-No! No, wait.
-I can't do this, Jess.
217
00:08:07,196 --> 00:08:08,197
Come on. Come back here.
218
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,657
Jess, guys want to be whisked away.
219
00:08:10,741 --> 00:08:13,160
-They want to be enchanted.
-Just take your clothes off, Jess.
220
00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:16,413
Do you think that Paul
watches stuff like that?
221
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:17,789
All the time. For sure.
222
00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:20,125
-Probably watching it right now.
-Really? Okay.
223
00:08:20,209 --> 00:08:23,879
I put this on mute, because this girl's…
Like, pretty loud.
224
00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:27,007
And, um, my main thing
that I took away was,
225
00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:30,385
gosh, that young lady
can really multitask.
226
00:08:30,469 --> 00:08:31,512
-Super normal…
-She's a pro.
227
00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:33,597
-…what she's doing.
-I don't know if every girl's like that,
228
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:34,973
-but she's a pro.
-Was wondering
229
00:08:35,057 --> 00:08:36,308
if there are any trendy moves.
230
00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:39,520
'Cause I've been doing the same four
for the last six years, like…
231
00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:44,858
-Uh, and you know, like, uh…
-WINSTON: Ugh.
232
00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:47,611
That one. And I don't know.
233
00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:51,281
Do you think that Paul would be
into, like, something like that?
234
00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:53,408
What, a little light choking?
235
00:08:53,492 --> 00:08:55,619
I'm gonna bet Paul is into
some pretty dark stuff.
236
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,746
-Light choking, really?
-No one's doing that.
237
00:08:57,829 --> 00:08:59,706
You know what, Nick, maybe you're
hooking up with the wrong kind of girl.
238
00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:01,959
Apparently, I'm hooking up
with the right girl, Schmidt,
239
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,085
because they don't choke me.
240
00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:05,003
Nick is a meat and potatoes kind of guy.
241
00:09:05,087 --> 00:09:06,755
-Winston and I…
-Don't want to be a part of this.
242
00:09:06,839 --> 00:09:08,048
-…we're sushi.
-NICK: So you guys really think
243
00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:09,132
you're better at sex than me.
244
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:10,217
-Yeah.
-WINSTON: Absolutely.
245
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:12,344
What did you do after you lost
your virginity? What did you say to me?
246
00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:14,179
Don't say that right now.
You're taking it out of context.
247
00:09:14,263 --> 00:09:16,807
He said, "Winston, is it okay that
I didn't get my pants all the way off?"
248
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,392
That's a true story. That really happened.
249
00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:22,312
I was 16 years old.
And I've gotten a lot better.
250
00:09:22,396 --> 00:09:23,564
SCHMIDT: You haven't gotten
that much better.
251
00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:26,191
I used to listen to you and Caroline
all the time in college.
252
00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:27,609
It was like listening to a rescue crew
253
00:09:27,693 --> 00:09:30,737
trying to communicate
with a… With a stranded miner.
254
00:09:30,821 --> 00:09:32,239
"Are you okay?"
255
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:35,576
"Yeah. Are you okay?"
256
00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:36,994
"Yeah."
257
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,454
Hey, guys, I don't have much time.
Can we get this back on track?
258
00:09:39,538 --> 00:09:40,706
I need to know what to do.
259
00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:43,166
Would flicking be, like, a cool thing?
260
00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:45,335
No.
261
00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:47,045
-No!
-Absolutely not.
262
00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:48,797
How about role play?
Do you know any voices?
263
00:09:48,881 --> 00:09:51,758
Yes. I can do
an old-timey newscaster, like,
264
00:09:51,842 --> 00:09:54,469
"Hey there, son, I'm gonna kick you
into next Tuesday, see?"
265
00:09:54,553 --> 00:09:56,847
You're telling me, for the last 15 years,
266
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,183
you've been thinking I'm bad at sex?
I'm fantastic at sex.
267
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,059
Dude, you're scared to get a haircut.
268
00:10:01,143 --> 00:10:02,769
Yeah, I don't like getting a haircut!
It's too intimate.
269
00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:04,938
-What does that have to do with sex?
-Okay, Jess, here's what you're gonna do.
270
00:10:05,022 --> 00:10:07,232
You got a question, just come to me
because I'm obviously the best.
271
00:10:07,316 --> 00:10:08,984
No, you're not the best.
272
00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:12,029
Jess, who do you think,
of the three of us, is the best at sex?
273
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,155
Yes.
274
00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:14,573
And take emotion out of it.
275
00:10:14,656 --> 00:10:16,658
-No one's feelings are gonna get hurt.
-WINSTON: Go with your gut.
276
00:10:16,742 --> 00:10:18,619
Especially, you know, Nick and Winston's.
277
00:10:18,702 --> 00:10:19,912
No, I'm not doing this.
278
00:10:19,995 --> 00:10:21,079
-Say a name.
-WINSTON: Go with your gut.
279
00:10:21,163 --> 00:10:22,289
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
280
00:10:22,915 --> 00:10:24,208
Oh. Oh!
281
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,585
Hey! Paul! Hey, Paul.
282
00:10:29,004 --> 00:10:30,380
-Hey.
-PAUL: Hey.
283
00:10:31,340 --> 00:10:32,424
Hey, goose.
284
00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:34,426
Hey, goose.
285
00:10:35,844 --> 00:10:36,845
(PAUL CHUCKLES)
286
00:10:36,929 --> 00:10:38,764
JESS: I'm gonna go
get ready in my room.
287
00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:39,848
-Okay.
-I'll be back.
288
00:10:39,932 --> 00:10:41,725
-I'll just hang out with the guys.
-Cool.
289
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:44,269
-Hey, guys. What's up?
-SCHMIDT: What's up?
290
00:10:44,353 --> 00:10:46,188
-WINSTON: What's up, Paul?
-Oh, you're looking at me like, "what?"
291
00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:47,397
I should… I should tell you.
292
00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:49,942
Um, "Goose" is short for "me gusta Jess."
293
00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:51,818
-(CHUCKLES) Of course.
-Come here, sit down, man.
294
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,006
SCHMIDT: Thank you.
295
00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:15,717
I am so tired of people
being so careful with me.
296
00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:17,928
It's like, I am 40 and I am pregnant.
297
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,556
-I am not made out of crackers.
-(LAUGHTER)
298
00:11:21,557 --> 00:11:23,892
Hey, ladies.
What are you guys talking about?
299
00:11:23,976 --> 00:11:25,602
-Afterbirth.
-Afterbirth.
300
00:11:25,686 --> 00:11:29,356
That's like the… The party you guys have
after…you have the baby…
301
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:30,440
-Sort of.
-You know, I'd…
302
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:31,650
I'd like to be invited to that.
303
00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:32,818
You know what they say,
304
00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:35,487
"An afterbirth ain't an afterbirth
without some Schmidt up in there."
305
00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:37,906
-Schmidt? Come here.
-I'm gonna talk to you in a little bit.
306
00:11:37,990 --> 00:11:39,491
-What are you doing?
-I'm rocking this party, Beth.
307
00:11:39,575 --> 00:11:40,742
Watch this.
308
00:11:44,997 --> 00:11:46,957
Hi. How's everybody doing?
309
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,835
You know, I just…
I just wanted to take a moment to…
310
00:11:49,918 --> 00:11:54,631
Well, to say how honored I am
to celebrate the journey of Bogart
311
00:11:54,715 --> 00:11:57,259
through Gina,
and out and into the light.
312
00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:59,011
Here's to elective C-sections!
313
00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:00,762
(WOMEN CHEERING)
314
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:04,683
Mmm.
315
00:12:05,184 --> 00:12:07,019
Just face it, baby.
316
00:12:07,102 --> 00:12:08,812
You don't know
the first thing about women.
317
00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:10,272
Ah, you're the best, Beth.
318
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:13,734
I don't know if you know this about me,
but I was in two frats in college.
319
00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:16,069
Want to know why?
320
00:12:16,445 --> 00:12:17,863
'Cause I just couldn't decide.
321
00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:21,074
Hey, ladies! Let's get this party started!
322
00:12:21,158 --> 00:12:22,534
(CHEERING)
323
00:12:22,618 --> 00:12:24,077
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
324
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,122
We're all getting drunk tonight!
325
00:12:27,206 --> 00:12:30,209
Except for you, Gina.
Horribly irresponsible.
326
00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:34,254
(CLASSICAL PIANO PLAYS)
327
00:12:37,508 --> 00:12:39,510
So, I'm looking forward
to having sex tonight.
328
00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:41,345
-Yeah. Me, too.
-(CHUCKLES)
329
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,263
-Sex is the bomb.
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)
330
00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:47,518
Sorry. That sounded like
a guy from Entourage.
331
00:12:47,726 --> 00:12:49,019
Do you like porn?
332
00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:52,064
No. Do you?
333
00:12:54,066 --> 00:12:55,359
Yeah, I mean, I… Yeah.
334
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,611
I do… I do like pornos.
335
00:12:57,694 --> 00:13:01,281
Yeah, you know, when my imagination
isn't really working…
336
00:13:01,698 --> 00:13:05,160
Or I've exhausted, uh,
the bull pen.
337
00:13:05,244 --> 00:13:06,828
I just find it very erotic.
338
00:13:06,912 --> 00:13:08,997
And then I just love, like…
339
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:12,543
Everything that's erotic.
340
00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,383
-(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
-(CHEERING)
341
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:21,134
SCHMIDT: Yeah, party!
342
00:13:21,218 --> 00:13:23,679
Party, yeah! Yeah, Gina! Yeah!
343
00:13:23,762 --> 00:13:25,722
Baby wants his bottle! Yeah!
344
00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:27,724
SCHMIDT: (LAUGHING) Party!
345
00:13:31,186 --> 00:13:33,272
(CHEERING, LAUGHING)
346
00:13:36,525 --> 00:13:38,235
WOMEN: (CHANTING)
Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!
347
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:42,114
Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!
Schmidt! Schmidt!
348
00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:43,824
(CHEERING)
349
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,035
A-ha! Yeah!
350
00:13:47,119 --> 00:13:49,538
-This is so weird!
-(LAUGHING)
351
00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:50,622
I love it!
352
00:13:50,706 --> 00:13:51,999
(YELLS)
353
00:13:53,292 --> 00:13:55,085
(SCHMIDT LAUGHING, WOMEN GASP)
354
00:14:02,634 --> 00:14:04,928
I'm having a baby!
355
00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:08,098
-(WILD CHEERING)
-She's having a baby!
356
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:13,520
Yeah!
357
00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:20,652
…the things people say sometimes,
I… I don't really…
358
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:24,323
Write it, but I think somebody…
Are we going to do this?
359
00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:26,909
-Yeah. Definitely.
-Sit down.
360
00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:29,036
Okay.
361
00:14:32,331 --> 00:14:33,916
Whoa. Wow.
362
00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:36,793
(IMITATING OLD-TIMEY NEWSCASTER)
You are hot, hot, hot.
363
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:38,003
Thank you.
364
00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:39,922
Hello, weather service? Oh!
365
00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:43,800
There's a heat wave from
Portsmouth to Port, Kansas!
366
00:14:43,884 --> 00:14:46,261
I don't know, I don't…
What is happening.
367
00:14:46,345 --> 00:14:47,721
We're talking dirty, slim.
368
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:49,806
Oh, okay. You want me to do…
You're doing a voice.
369
00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:52,017
-You want me to do a voice?
-Okay, um…
370
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:56,313
(STUTTERS) Well, I'm so happy to be here!
371
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,397
Jimmy Stewart?
372
00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:01,443
(AS JIMMY STEWART)
You look ravishing in your…
373
00:15:01,527 --> 00:15:02,528
Netting…
374
00:15:02,611 --> 00:15:04,112
-Thank you very much.
-Contraption.
375
00:15:04,196 --> 00:15:06,406
Now, why don't you let me
see your little caboose?
376
00:15:06,490 --> 00:15:08,116
Okay, here. Let me go ahead and…
377
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:09,535
-Your caboose.
-Oh, okay.
378
00:15:09,618 --> 00:15:11,537
-Your butt.
-Oh, my butt! Okay.
379
00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:12,996
Here's my caboose!
380
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,832
Oh, happy birthday, me!
381
00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:18,210
-I… Oh.
-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
382
00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:20,712
-I'm so sorry. Is that okay?
-No, it was great.
383
00:15:20,796 --> 00:15:23,465
(AS JIMMY STEWART)
It felt so good, and sensual.
384
00:15:23,549 --> 00:15:25,217
-Hey!
-You want me to wiggle it around?
385
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:28,637
How about you help me get
a little more comfortable?
386
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:31,014
Oh. Oh, all right, dear.
387
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:33,350
-Okay, I just don't know where to…
-I'm going to try something different.
388
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:34,977
Oh. Okay, great.
389
00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:36,687
(IMITATES OLD WOMAN) Young man!
390
00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:39,857
Young man, the things
I'm gonna do to you!
391
00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:44,278
-Well, I… I can't wait to…
-Young man, don't take all day.
392
00:15:44,361 --> 00:15:47,906
Well, I… I understand, ma'am,
but you're wearing chain mail here.
393
00:15:47,990 --> 00:15:49,366
I am not getting any younger.
394
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:51,410
It's like an erotic rope course.
395
00:15:51,493 --> 00:15:53,871
Okay, I… Let me try up here.
396
00:15:53,954 --> 00:15:56,540
-I think it's…
-I can't do the voice
397
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,208
-and get this off at the same time…
-Okay.
398
00:15:58,292 --> 00:16:00,711
-Oh. Is that… Are you okay?
-Yes.
399
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:02,421
-Wow, this is a…
-(GRUNTS)
400
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:06,216
(DEEP VOICE)
I'm gonna split you like a log!
401
00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:07,676
-(YELLING)
-Okay…
402
00:16:07,759 --> 00:16:09,303
What are you…
Wait, hold on. What is that?
403
00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,181
It's a lumberjack.
404
00:16:12,264 --> 00:16:13,390
Hold on one second.
405
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:14,975
Can… Can we just…start over,
406
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:17,019
and just kind of go back
to basics for a minute?
407
00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:18,353
Just you and me.
408
00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:20,105
-Okay.
-Okay.
409
00:16:20,189 --> 00:16:22,566
-Just our regular voices.
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)
410
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:23,775
All right.
411
00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:40,334
See? So nice.
412
00:16:41,627 --> 00:16:43,462
(CHOKING) So nice…
413
00:16:44,922 --> 00:16:45,923
(PAUL CHOKING)
414
00:16:46,465 --> 00:16:47,466
Ah, you're hurting me.
415
00:16:47,549 --> 00:16:49,259
-Oh, my God!
-(GASPING)
416
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,053
Oh, God.
417
00:16:51,512 --> 00:16:53,096
-Are you okay?
-Oh, yeah, I'm good! I'm good!
418
00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:54,765
-(GASPING)
-Let me get you some water.
419
00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:56,225
Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna
get some water at home.
420
00:16:56,308 --> 00:16:59,102
-I… I have good water at home.
-No, no, no, I have water here.
421
00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:01,396
I have a filter,
it's a special ionized filter…
422
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:02,689
I got at home.
423
00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:05,234
(SIGHS)
424
00:17:09,404 --> 00:17:11,740
NICK: Oh, I'm so glad you convinced me
to go to your barbershop.
425
00:17:11,823 --> 00:17:15,285
Wow, man. I…
It actually looks really good.
426
00:17:15,369 --> 00:17:17,371
Right? I look good.
427
00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:19,706
And I loved it in there.
You think they liked me in there?
428
00:17:19,790 --> 00:17:21,166
I think they loved you in there, man.
429
00:17:21,250 --> 00:17:22,668
NICK: Okay, good.
430
00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:25,128
-How'd it go?
-Is he still in there, Jess?
431
00:17:28,090 --> 00:17:29,508
There's no more tea.
432
00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:31,677
I forgot to buy tea.
433
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:45,732
(SOFTLY) Hello.
434
00:17:50,654 --> 00:17:53,490
Where's… Where's the door?
435
00:17:56,618 --> 00:17:57,619
Hey.
436
00:17:57,703 --> 00:17:59,371
What's up, Jess?
437
00:18:00,664 --> 00:18:02,416
NICK: (KNOCKING) You okay, Jess?
438
00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:04,126
I messed up.
439
00:18:04,793 --> 00:18:06,712
He ran away. He got scared.
440
00:18:06,795 --> 00:18:08,338
Why would he be scared?
441
00:18:08,422 --> 00:18:10,299
Because I choked him.
442
00:18:10,382 --> 00:18:12,259
I lightly choked him.
443
00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:14,011
-(NICK SIGHS)
-WINSTON: Wow.
444
00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:16,180
That's what happens when
you listen to Schmidt.
445
00:18:16,263 --> 00:18:17,806
It's just… When I was with Spencer,
446
00:18:17,890 --> 00:18:19,766
I just didn't even think
about this stuff, you know?
447
00:18:19,850 --> 00:18:21,768
-I just did it.
-NICK: Okay.
448
00:18:23,061 --> 00:18:24,521
Here's the thing.
449
00:18:24,855 --> 00:18:26,565
You gotta stop thinking about it.
450
00:18:26,648 --> 00:18:28,275
Just relax, and be yourself.
451
00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:29,526
You're awesome.
452
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:30,861
What do you think, Winston?
453
00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:32,863
Why are you asking Winston?
454
00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:34,656
Because, Nick, look at your hair.
455
00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:36,533
You really don't look like
someone who's good at sex.
456
00:18:36,617 --> 00:18:38,327
I can't believe you just said that.
457
00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:40,120
Here's what you do.
You're gonna stop worrying about it.
458
00:18:40,204 --> 00:18:42,789
-Completely.
-Yeah. That's really good.
459
00:18:42,873 --> 00:18:44,458
That's literally what I just said.
460
00:18:44,541 --> 00:18:45,918
What are you worried about, anyway?
461
00:18:46,001 --> 00:18:47,920
Paul doesn't care what you do.
462
00:18:48,003 --> 00:18:49,838
I've seen the way that boy looks at you.
463
00:18:49,922 --> 00:18:51,673
And he is crazy about you.
464
00:18:51,757 --> 00:18:52,925
-I agree, I…
-Shh.
465
00:18:53,008 --> 00:18:55,093
I'm trying to listen to Winston.
466
00:18:56,637 --> 00:18:58,138
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
467
00:18:59,223 --> 00:19:00,349
-Oh, hi!
-Hi.
468
00:19:00,432 --> 00:19:01,934
-Paul.
-Hey, Winston.
469
00:19:02,017 --> 00:19:03,352
Can I talk to you for a minute?
470
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:04,937
Yeah.
471
00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:07,314
We'll… Step into my office.
472
00:19:07,397 --> 00:19:09,316
-Okay. Hey, Nick.
-NICK: Okay.
473
00:19:12,361 --> 00:19:13,445
Um…
474
00:19:14,696 --> 00:19:15,948
-Hi.
-Hi.
475
00:19:18,742 --> 00:19:21,453
-So, last night was, um…
-No, I'm so sorry.
476
00:19:21,537 --> 00:19:23,705
-No, no, don't, please…
-Unacceptable.
477
00:19:23,789 --> 00:19:25,040
I'm really intimidated by you, Jess.
478
00:19:25,707 --> 00:19:28,794
You're so experienced, and I've
never done any of that stuff,
479
00:19:28,877 --> 00:19:31,797
that S & M style… Bondage stuff.
480
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,216
It scares me a little, but I…
481
00:19:34,299 --> 00:19:36,426
Want to do it, because I know
that you're into it.
482
00:19:36,510 --> 00:19:39,680
Just please be gentle
with me at first, okay?
483
00:19:40,556 --> 00:19:41,849
I really like you.
484
00:19:42,599 --> 00:19:43,642
Really?
485
00:19:44,059 --> 00:19:45,310
Yeah, I do.
486
00:19:45,644 --> 00:19:47,688
And nothing else matters.
487
00:19:48,397 --> 00:19:49,565
(SIGHS)
488
00:19:49,648 --> 00:19:50,732
Except, just, uh…
489
00:19:50,816 --> 00:19:53,694
No fire, and no handcuffs, please.
Please, please, please.
490
00:19:53,777 --> 00:19:56,029
Okay? And I'm allergic to felt.
491
00:19:56,113 --> 00:19:57,656
And most polyurethanes.
492
00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:00,242
Okay, well, that's it.
493
00:20:03,078 --> 00:20:04,621
And no bugs, too.
I don't know if that was…
494
00:20:04,705 --> 00:20:07,291
-(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
-Paul. Wait. Um…
495
00:20:10,419 --> 00:20:12,254
Last night was kind of a… (CHUCKLES)
496
00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:13,922
Low point for me. I mean…
497
00:20:15,007 --> 00:20:16,758
I'm not really into that stuff.
I just…
498
00:20:17,718 --> 00:20:20,762
I thought that whatever I used to do
wouldn't be good enough,
499
00:20:20,846 --> 00:20:23,557
or sexy enough,
or advanced enough,
500
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,184
-and that's why I did that…
-Oh, no! Oh!
501
00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:26,560
-(CHUCKLES) Sorry.
-No. No, it's okay.
502
00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:28,061
It just surprised me a little bit.
503
00:20:28,437 --> 00:20:29,813
I just… (CHUCKLES)
504
00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:31,899
I like you.
505
00:20:35,444 --> 00:20:36,904
Well, good.
506
00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:40,032
I'll walk you down.
507
00:20:40,365 --> 00:20:41,491
Okay.
508
00:20:47,998 --> 00:20:51,043
-Oh! Um, the new trombones came in…
-Paul…
509
00:21:12,940 --> 00:21:15,901
(GASPING, KISSING)
510
00:21:15,984 --> 00:21:17,694
(EMERGENCY STOP ALARM BUZZES)
511
00:21:19,446 --> 00:21:21,448
You know that doesn't
speed it up when you do that.
512
00:21:21,532 --> 00:21:22,533
I know, I know.
513
00:21:22,616 --> 00:21:23,951
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
514
00:21:25,994 --> 00:21:27,996
We're about to go see a movie.
You guys want to come?
515
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:29,122
BOTH: Sure.
516
00:21:30,749 --> 00:21:33,001
Hey, Jess? Is that your shoe?
517
00:21:37,297 --> 00:21:39,466
Boy, your haircut look like a high-rise.
518
00:21:39,550 --> 00:21:40,884
(LAUGHING)
519
00:21:42,010 --> 00:21:43,929
Where the penthouse at?
520
00:21:44,263 --> 00:21:46,223
Hey, old man, what,
did you steal those pants
521
00:21:46,306 --> 00:21:47,975
off of Danny Glover's grandfather?
522
00:21:48,058 --> 00:21:49,309
(NICK LAUGHING)
523
00:21:53,188 --> 00:21:55,983
I am Danny Glover's grandfather.
524
00:21:57,401 --> 00:21:58,610
I'm a big fan of his work.
525
00:21:58,694 --> 00:22:00,279
He's great in the Lethal Weapons.
526
00:22:02,239 --> 00:22:04,283
-No, I'm not.
-(LAUGHING)
38216
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