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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:03,795 So, you know in horror movies when the girl's like, 2 00:00:03,879 --> 00:00:06,298 "Oh, my God, there's something in the basement. 3 00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:08,175 "Let me just run down there in my underwear 4 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:09,843 "and see what's going on in the dark." 5 00:00:09,927 --> 00:00:12,596 And you're like, "What is your problem? Call the police." 6 00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:16,350 And she's like, "Okay," but it's too late, because she's already getting murdered? 7 00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:19,144 Well, uh, my story's kind of like that. 8 00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:22,731 JESS: It's a surprise for Spencer. 9 00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:25,442 I'm just gonna walk in and drop my coat on the ground. 10 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:29,947 He says he has this fantasy that I'm a stripper with a heart of gold, 11 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:32,032 and he's helping me put myself through college. 12 00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,159 He didn't say the college part, did he? 13 00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:37,162 Um, no. I wanted to create a three-dimensional sex character. 14 00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:39,581 Really? What's your stripper name? 15 00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:42,793 Uh, Rebecca Johnson. 16 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:45,045 Your stripper name's Rebecca Johnson? 17 00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:46,588 Boobies Johnson. 18 00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:48,173 Two Boobs Johnson. 19 00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:51,343 Look at you, in the back of a cab, totally naked. 20 00:00:51,677 --> 00:00:53,554 I am so proud of you. 21 00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,309 Hello. 22 00:00:59,852 --> 00:01:01,478 I came home early. 23 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:02,980 Jess! What… 24 00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,065 Who's Jess? 25 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:09,069 You're talking to Tiger Boobs. 26 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:12,948 -Oh… -(JESS SINGING) 27 00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:14,032 Bu-bubba-bubba-bubba 28 00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:15,117 Uh… 29 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:18,579 I'm doing sexy things with a pillow 30 00:01:19,371 --> 00:01:20,372 Just… 31 00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:23,709 She's doing sexy stuff to the plant right… 32 00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:24,793 Okay. 33 00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:26,920 I'll pick that up later 34 00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:29,423 Who's that girl? 35 00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:35,554 Who's that girl… 36 00:01:35,637 --> 00:01:37,055 It's Jess… 37 00:01:37,139 --> 00:01:38,140 SPENCER: Oh… 38 00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:45,564 So, that happened. 39 00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:48,233 That's why I need a new apartment. 40 00:01:48,692 --> 00:01:51,778 I'm sorry, what was the question again? 41 00:01:52,196 --> 00:01:54,615 Do you have any pets? 42 00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:56,325 (SINGING) Who's that girl? 43 00:01:56,408 --> 00:01:57,743 Who's that girl? 44 00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,912 -Who's that girl? -Who's that girl? 45 00:01:59,995 --> 00:02:01,038 It's Jess 46 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,335 You know what's funny? 47 00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:11,089 When I saw your ad on Craigslist, I thought you were women. 48 00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:12,966 -(LAUGHTER) -We're all… That's… 49 00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:14,635 Why would you think that? That's crazy. 50 00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:16,678 -I mean, what… -Schmidt wrote the ad. 51 00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:19,681 Oh, I guess it was something about the words you used. 52 00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:24,520 It was like, uh, like, "sun-soaked" and "beige-y." 53 00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:26,605 (LAUGHTER) 54 00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:28,565 -What are you doing? -COACH: Wow. 55 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:31,068 What about these? These look beige-y to you? 56 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,653 Sorry. 57 00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:34,154 I'm his trainer, so, uh, 58 00:02:34,238 --> 00:02:35,989 it's the house that Coach built right here. 59 00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:38,033 What are we looking at here? That's baby smooth. 60 00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:39,326 This is LLS. 61 00:02:39,409 --> 00:02:40,452 Ladies Love Schmidt. 62 00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:42,579 What? What did you just say? 63 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,498 Go put a dollar in the jar right now. 64 00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:45,999 -Are you serious? -Yeah. Now. 65 00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:47,251 Damn it. 66 00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:48,418 LLS? 67 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:49,837 What is wrong with you? 68 00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:52,339 This place is beautiful. 69 00:02:52,422 --> 00:02:53,632 Gets so much light. 70 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,260 Spencer hated light. 71 00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:57,386 It's hard to say his name. 72 00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:58,595 SCHMIDT: It's okay. 73 00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,180 Nick knows. He got dumped. 74 00:03:00,264 --> 00:03:01,723 (SCOFFS) Dumped. 75 00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:03,350 Yeah, I got dumped. 76 00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:05,936 -I can't hear you! -Yes, we're breaking up. 77 00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,980 -No! La-la-la-la-la! -I'm breaking up with you. 78 00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:09,064 I need some time away… 79 00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:11,650 Yeah, I got dumped. 80 00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:12,943 She dumped me. 81 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,069 And I'm over it. 82 00:03:14,152 --> 00:03:16,405 -Okay, it was six months ago, guys. -COACH: Mmm-hmm. 83 00:03:16,488 --> 00:03:17,489 Get past it. 84 00:03:17,573 --> 00:03:19,533 I don't even know why we're still talking about it. 85 00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:21,326 Why's everybody looking at me? 86 00:03:25,247 --> 00:03:27,165 You know what, I want to live here. 87 00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:29,209 Actually, I… I still have some questions. 88 00:03:29,293 --> 00:03:31,628 I mean, no offense, you know, but we barely know you. 89 00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:35,048 Yeah, okay, yeah. So, um, full disclosure, 90 00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:38,093 I'm kind of emotional right now 'cause of the breakup, 91 00:03:38,177 --> 00:03:40,470 so I'll probably be watching Dirty Dancing 92 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:41,889 at least six or seven times. 93 00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:43,140 A day. 94 00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,474 Um, I'm a teacher, 95 00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:47,978 so I bring home a lot of popsicle sticks, stuff like that. 96 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,856 Also, I like to sing to myself, a lot. 97 00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,774 (SINGING) A lot 98 00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:55,569 I'm tired of living with my friend. 99 00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:58,405 She's a model. All her friends are models. 100 00:03:58,488 --> 00:04:00,240 Uh, how soon can you move in? 101 00:04:00,324 --> 00:04:01,783 -Actually, slow up. -Not happening. 102 00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:03,327 Okay, uh, could you give us a second? 103 00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,787 I just got to… Got to talk to my boys. 104 00:04:05,871 --> 00:04:07,331 "My boys" is not a thing around here. 105 00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:08,624 -My bros. -Okay, douchebag jar. 106 00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:10,125 -For what? -For "My bros." 107 00:04:10,209 --> 00:04:12,544 I'm gonna say yes. Her friends are models. 108 00:04:12,628 --> 00:04:14,379 Okay, you guys? Models. 109 00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:15,464 I say no. 110 00:04:15,547 --> 00:04:17,466 I need to be able to come home from work, 111 00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:20,636 sit on my couch and let my beans out. Let 'em breathe! 112 00:04:20,719 --> 00:04:22,429 Nick, it's all you, buddy. 113 00:04:22,513 --> 00:04:24,097 Well, first let me say, 114 00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:26,433 I think you guys make some really interesting points, 115 00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:28,435 points that I respect, but I will say this. 116 00:04:28,519 --> 00:04:30,812 I have lived with a woman, Caroline, as you guys know, 117 00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:33,732 and so I know that there are pros and real cons, guys. 118 00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:35,359 -Nick, you're weak! -Okay, pro… 119 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:36,527 They smell nice. 120 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:37,778 -(SIGHS) -Cons… 121 00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:39,613 Every once in a while, the mood changes 122 00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:40,989 and you're not sure why. 123 00:04:41,073 --> 00:04:42,574 They'll ruin your life if you let 'em. 124 00:04:42,658 --> 00:04:44,701 They'll break down your will to live. 125 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,411 Pros, they're really good at folding. 126 00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:47,496 Make a decision! 127 00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:49,456 I'm sorry, but, like, another pro, like… 128 00:04:49,540 --> 00:04:50,541 -Oh, don't do it. -I'm gonna. 129 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,251 -Put it down. -Don't hood me. 130 00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:54,211 You guys don't know what you're talking about. 131 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,213 -Don't hood me. -I know what I'm talking about. 132 00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:57,381 -Okay. -Pushed him too hard. 133 00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:59,091 We did push him too hard. How about this? 134 00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:01,176 Executive decision. She's in. 135 00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:03,220 JESS: Yay, I'm in! 136 00:05:08,517 --> 00:05:11,019 You are not gonna regret this. 137 00:05:11,103 --> 00:05:12,688 -(JESS SOBBING LOUDLY) -(SINGING ON TV) 138 00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:15,023 …the time of my life 139 00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:19,194 No, I never felt like this before 140 00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,905 Yes, I swear it's the truth 141 00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:23,198 Ow! 142 00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,951 What have you done, Schmidt? 143 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,453 (JESS BLOWING NOSE) 144 00:05:31,582 --> 00:05:33,000 I got to go, Mom. 145 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:35,335 No, I'm not watching Dirty Dancing. 146 00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:38,922 No, I don't think so. 147 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:42,551 Hey, are you gonna murder me 'cause you're a stranger I met on the Internet? 148 00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,887 -Yes, I am. -He says no. 149 00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:47,306 JESS: No, look, I got to go. Okay. 150 00:05:47,389 --> 00:05:48,932 All right, love you. Bye. 151 00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,893 SCHMIDT: So the Wild West party's on Saturday. 152 00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:54,479 I'm trying to get us in, but you may need to call Caroline. 153 00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:55,898 -Not calling her. -Hear me out… 154 00:05:55,981 --> 00:05:57,107 Shh. 155 00:05:57,191 --> 00:05:59,985 (SINGING ALONG) Had the time of my life 156 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:02,738 We are in this situation because of you. 157 00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:05,574 I hate your face, Spencer. I love you. 158 00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,910 It has been a week of this madness. 159 00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,703 I'm going crazy, Schmidt. I can't take it. 160 00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:11,580 You know what, I got this. 161 00:06:12,998 --> 00:06:15,125 (SONG CONTINUES PLAYING) 162 00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:16,710 Hi, Coach. 163 00:06:17,211 --> 00:06:18,212 Stop it. 164 00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:20,756 Stop. 165 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:23,383 -(WAILING) -Schmidt. 166 00:06:23,467 --> 00:06:24,843 Okay, all right. 167 00:06:24,927 --> 00:06:26,929 I got us into this, I'm gonna get us out. 168 00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:28,805 Jess, I'm gonna take the remote. 169 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:29,890 (TURNS OFF TV) 170 00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:31,433 All right, all right. 171 00:06:31,517 --> 00:06:33,477 Hey, Jess, how you doing? 172 00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:36,647 You look fantastic. 173 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,315 What if you came out with us tonight? 174 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,025 You know, after work. 175 00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:42,319 You know, we'll fix you up, we'll take you out, 176 00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,612 we'll get you a rebound. 177 00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:46,657 -A rebound? -Yeah. 178 00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:48,867 I don't know if I'm ready. 179 00:06:48,951 --> 00:06:50,160 You're totally ready for it. 180 00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:51,828 I'll take you through the whole thing. 181 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,497 I'll be… I'll be like your guide. 182 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,416 Like Gandalf through Middle-earth? 183 00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:58,585 Probably not like… Okay. 184 00:06:58,669 --> 00:07:01,463 First of all, let's take the "Lord of the Rings" references, 185 00:07:01,547 --> 00:07:05,592 let's put them in a deep dark cave, okay, where no one's gonna find them, ever. 186 00:07:05,676 --> 00:07:06,927 Except Sméagol. 187 00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:08,554 (WHISPERS) He lives in a cave. 188 00:07:08,637 --> 00:07:10,138 You know what, Jess, come on. 189 00:07:10,222 --> 00:07:11,932 Let's just take the head off the couch. 190 00:07:12,683 --> 00:07:14,518 -Come on. Sit up, girl. -COACH: There you go. 191 00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:17,604 SCHMIDT: Look at that. Doesn't that feel good? 192 00:07:17,688 --> 00:07:19,314 There we go. 193 00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:22,609 I think that sounds nice. (SNIFFLES) 194 00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:26,071 (SINGING) She's going out to find a rebound 195 00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:28,156 Who's that girl? It's Jess 196 00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:31,994 Wait, did you just make up a theme song for yourself? 197 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,371 I'm… I'm gonna fix it. 198 00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:38,500 I'm not calling my ex-girlfriend to get you into a party. 199 00:07:38,584 --> 00:07:40,460 This party is everything to me. 200 00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:42,671 Please, Nick. We go every year. 201 00:07:42,754 --> 00:07:45,007 You have no idea what I'm going through at work. 202 00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:46,967 -(WOMEN CLAMORING) -Just trying to do my work! 203 00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:48,969 -I'm trying to do a good job here! -Nice tie. 204 00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:50,762 Can I borrow a tampon? 205 00:07:50,846 --> 00:07:52,681 (LAUGHTER) 206 00:07:52,848 --> 00:07:53,849 (SHUDDERS) 207 00:07:53,932 --> 00:07:55,184 Schmidt, I'm not calling her. 208 00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:56,435 -(SHOWER RUNNING) -Listen to me. 209 00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:57,519 Knowing every year 210 00:07:57,603 --> 00:08:00,314 I'll be going to the Wild Wild West Charity Auction for Poverty 211 00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:04,526 reminds me that I'm still a man, and I can still motorboat a hot girl 212 00:08:04,610 --> 00:08:07,154 who is also a member of the Cherokee Nation, 213 00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:09,573 which is not racist, because it is for a good cause. 214 00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:12,034 -JESS: Somebody's in here. -We're leaving in 10 minutes. 215 00:08:12,117 --> 00:08:14,661 -Did you shave your legs? -I will now. 216 00:08:14,745 --> 00:08:16,246 Front and backs? 217 00:08:16,330 --> 00:08:17,915 -Yes. -Thank you. 218 00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:19,082 I'm gonna kill myself now. 219 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,919 Just call Caroline. You call her all the time when you're drunk. 220 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,378 What are you referring to? 221 00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:26,256 (COCKNEY ACCENT) Hello, Caroline. 222 00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:28,342 I still love you. 223 00:08:28,759 --> 00:08:30,344 So much. 224 00:08:31,220 --> 00:08:33,764 So…much. 225 00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,141 I'm not calling her. 226 00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:38,435 Schmidt, I know you really want to go to this party, 227 00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:40,938 but wouldn't it be better to find a girl 228 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,815 who you really care about to motorboat? 229 00:08:43,899 --> 00:08:46,652 Then maybe, if you're super lucky, 230 00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:50,364 you might find a girl who'll motorboat you right back. 231 00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:52,282 I don't think she knows what motorboating is. 232 00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:55,827 SCHMIDT: Jess, we are leaving in five. 233 00:08:55,911 --> 00:08:56,954 Hey. 234 00:08:57,287 --> 00:08:59,164 -Hey, Coach, what's… -(GASPS) 235 00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:01,750 Sorry. 236 00:09:03,502 --> 00:09:07,047 Um, my boss says that I don't know how to talk to women, 237 00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,215 which is ridiculous. 238 00:09:08,298 --> 00:09:11,718 -Spin, woman! Spin! Aah! Go! -(SQUEALING) 239 00:09:11,802 --> 00:09:13,178 You're so mean! 240 00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:15,097 I'm not mean, I'm trying to help you! 241 00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:16,723 -(SOBBING) -I'm trying to help you! 242 00:09:16,807 --> 00:09:19,935 So I was wondering if you could, uh, help me out with that. 243 00:09:20,018 --> 00:09:22,020 Sure, sure. Absolutely. 244 00:09:22,104 --> 00:09:25,148 Um… Well, first of all, 245 00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:27,276 maybe think about what women like to talk about. 246 00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:29,778 You know, like, use me for practice. 247 00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:31,780 All right. Um… 248 00:09:31,864 --> 00:09:34,241 Ahem. Shopping. 249 00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:37,536 Is that fun…for you guys? 250 00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:39,329 Yeah, shopping's fun. 251 00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:41,957 Uh, the other day I bought a pair of jeggings. 252 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:45,294 They look like jeans, but they're really leggings. 253 00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:48,422 Uh… Uh… 254 00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:51,216 You… I… 255 00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:53,802 (SHOUTING) Who cares? 256 00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:55,387 Sorry. 257 00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:58,557 Um, good job. 258 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:01,852 Uh, couple things you could work on. 259 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,646 Uh, one, lowering your voice. 260 00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:06,106 Right on. 261 00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:08,233 Um, two, listening. 262 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:12,029 -Uh, three, rage. -Absolutely. 263 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,405 Um, four… 264 00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:15,532 Your hair is on fire. 265 00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:16,992 (SIZZLING) 266 00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:21,747 Beers and a rosé. 267 00:10:22,664 --> 00:10:26,710 Pink wine makes me slutty. 268 00:10:26,877 --> 00:10:29,213 Whoa, cute guy alert. 269 00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:31,840 (IMITATING CARTOON SOUND EFFECTS) 270 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:35,344 SCHMIDT: Okay, Jess, game time. Let's do this. 271 00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:37,679 You want to forget about Spencer, you're gonna have to 272 00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:39,932 do some very, very bad things… 273 00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,976 With that man right over there. 274 00:10:43,060 --> 00:10:44,436 How bad? 275 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:47,147 Real bad, Jess. Real bad. 276 00:10:47,231 --> 00:10:49,358 Like a make out sesh, no tops? 277 00:10:50,609 --> 00:10:53,070 Okay, this is what… This is what's gonna happen. 278 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,781 You're gonna go over there and you're gonna stand next to him 279 00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:56,865 and you're gonna smile. 280 00:10:58,492 --> 00:10:59,826 You're not gonna smile like that. 281 00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:02,996 You look like a hungry badger. 282 00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:05,832 Stop that. 283 00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:07,209 Okay, I got this, I got this. 284 00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:08,669 You got it. Just go make it happen. 285 00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:09,962 COACH: Game on! Grind it out! 286 00:11:10,045 --> 00:11:11,380 -SCHMIDT: Go do it! -Grind it out! 287 00:11:11,463 --> 00:11:12,589 (LAUGHS) 288 00:11:15,551 --> 00:11:16,969 Hey, sailor. 289 00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:20,305 -Oh, all right. -All right. 290 00:11:20,389 --> 00:11:21,974 That's okay. Maybe he didn't hear that. 291 00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:23,892 You can come back from that. You're all good. 292 00:11:23,976 --> 00:11:26,395 Holy Schmidt! It's Schmidt! 293 00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:28,689 Oh, it is all about the Benjamin! 294 00:11:28,772 --> 00:11:29,940 -That's right. -What's up? 295 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,233 -What's up, man? -All right. 296 00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:33,318 -P-Funk, what's up, dude? -This is Coach. 297 00:11:33,402 --> 00:11:34,611 What's up, Coach? 298 00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:41,326 You like parties? 299 00:11:41,410 --> 00:11:42,703 -(CHUCKLES) -Don't talk to me. 300 00:11:42,786 --> 00:11:43,787 Yeah, okay. 301 00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:45,455 You know who likes to party hard, right? 302 00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:46,832 Yeah. So you coming on Saturday? 303 00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:48,917 I hear there's gonna be some fine ladies there. 304 00:11:49,001 --> 00:11:50,002 Ah, maybe, yeah. 305 00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:52,045 Heard it's not gonna be that good this year. No? 306 00:11:52,129 --> 00:11:53,130 Are you not on the list? 307 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,382 Man, I'm on every list. You know that. 308 00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:57,467 Ah. That sucks, man. 309 00:11:57,551 --> 00:11:59,011 Keep your head up, all right? 310 00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:01,513 All right, player. Do your thing. It was good seeing you. 311 00:12:01,597 --> 00:12:02,723 Take it sleazy, man. 312 00:12:02,806 --> 00:12:04,391 All right, man. P-Funk, always. 313 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:06,935 -Nick, please. -Why are you friends with those guys? 314 00:12:07,019 --> 00:12:09,062 Please get me in the party. I'm begging you. 315 00:12:09,146 --> 00:12:10,439 No, I'm not calling Caroline. 316 00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:12,983 You know what a cute cowboy I am? Do you have any idea? 317 00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,987 Well, I guess I can't hide my crazy. 318 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,531 I don't think you're trying that hard. 319 00:12:19,615 --> 00:12:22,868 Well, I've never really been great at this stuff, so… 320 00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:26,121 (SINGING) What if God was one of us? 321 00:12:26,205 --> 00:12:27,623 -Make it stop! -(CONTINUES SINGING) 322 00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:30,792 Just a slob like one of us… 323 00:12:32,127 --> 00:12:34,421 Look at us. Couple of losers. 324 00:12:34,505 --> 00:12:36,798 We both got dumped. Geesh. 325 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,383 I'm fine. 326 00:12:38,467 --> 00:12:40,135 Six months ago, so… 327 00:12:40,219 --> 00:12:41,386 Do you know why she dumped you? 328 00:12:41,470 --> 00:12:43,180 I mean, she must have hurt you pretty bad. 329 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:44,598 No, it made no difference to me. 330 00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:46,433 I just wanted to set her trash cans on fire. 331 00:12:46,517 --> 00:12:49,311 So you were always just, like, wondering, like, "What was it? 332 00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,939 "Was there something I could have done differently?" 333 00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:55,651 You know what happens to people who keep it all inside. 334 00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:58,737 They get old, and they get sad, and they get weird, 335 00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:02,157 and then you're the old man yelling at the kids running across your yard. 336 00:13:02,241 --> 00:13:04,493 And you're telling them, "Don't run across my yard. 337 00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:06,161 "My life's filled with regret." 338 00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:10,082 You know, you can't just pretend like it didn't happen. 339 00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:15,754 Or I could pretend to be more like you, Jess, and live on a sparkly rainbow 340 00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:19,383 and drive a unicorn around, and just sing all the time. 341 00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:21,593 Yeah, I think you should sing all the time. 342 00:13:21,677 --> 00:13:23,804 No, I was being mean. I'm not gonna do that, Jess. 343 00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:25,722 Why not? It's fun. 344 00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:27,182 Because I have a penis. 345 00:13:27,266 --> 00:13:29,893 (SINGING) My name is Nick, I have a penis 346 00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:33,397 And I'm not gonna let any feelings out 347 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:37,234 Okay, Jess, your left boob is resting on a plate of chicken wings. 348 00:13:37,568 --> 00:13:39,444 Yeah. I know. 349 00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:43,991 Hey. I'm Peter. 350 00:13:44,074 --> 00:13:45,993 What are you drinking? 351 00:13:46,118 --> 00:13:47,661 Oh, I'll have another pink wine. 352 00:13:48,412 --> 00:13:49,746 PETER: I like your glasses. 353 00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:51,164 JESS: They help me see. 354 00:13:51,248 --> 00:13:52,666 (LAUGHING) 355 00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:55,377 She's doing all right, hmm? 356 00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,087 Schmidt stain! 357 00:13:57,171 --> 00:13:58,922 Hey, man, I was thinking, 358 00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:01,300 it's probably better that you don't come to the party. 359 00:14:01,383 --> 00:14:03,677 That means more breasts for me. (LAUGHS) 360 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:07,222 You better step down, son. You're taking this whole thing too far. I'm ser… 361 00:14:07,306 --> 00:14:08,515 Hold me back, Coach. I'm ser… 362 00:14:08,599 --> 00:14:10,184 Hold me back. Hold me back! 363 00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:12,686 -Coach, would you please hold me back? -No. 364 00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,646 Schmidt, we're going to the party. Relax. 365 00:14:14,730 --> 00:14:15,939 Nice. See you there, Schmitty. 366 00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:17,441 Ah, totally, broseph. 367 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:18,901 Yeah, I texted Caroline. 368 00:14:18,984 --> 00:14:20,110 You texted Caroline? 369 00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:23,363 It's no big deal. It's behind me. It's in the past, so… 370 00:14:23,447 --> 00:14:25,699 Thank you. I love you, bro. 371 00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,326 Yeah, there it is. 372 00:14:27,451 --> 00:14:28,785 Did you just kiss my arm a little? 373 00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:30,204 You bet I did. It felt right. 374 00:14:30,287 --> 00:14:31,997 So, I'll see you tomorrow, sailor. 375 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:34,625 Yeah, cool. Call… Cool. 376 00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:36,835 What's happening tomorrow, sailor? 377 00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:38,879 You know what? You guys were totally right. 378 00:14:38,962 --> 00:14:41,840 I talked in short sentences, I didn't sing, 379 00:14:41,924 --> 00:14:44,051 I laughed, I smiled, I said I needed rebound sex, 380 00:14:44,134 --> 00:14:46,887 and it totally worked. He asked me out. 381 00:14:47,930 --> 00:14:50,140 Dinner! With food. 382 00:14:50,224 --> 00:14:51,600 (SINGING) Ooh, ooh! 383 00:14:51,683 --> 00:14:53,268 -I'm so proud of you. -You got it, girl. 384 00:14:53,352 --> 00:14:55,145 -You did good. -Yeah, you put it diz-out! 385 00:14:55,229 --> 00:14:56,230 (SINGING) A date 386 00:14:56,313 --> 00:15:00,817 It's Jess, she's on fire 387 00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:02,110 She's on fire 388 00:15:02,194 --> 00:15:03,195 (GUYS GROAN) 389 00:15:03,278 --> 00:15:05,072 COACH: She's got some big ass panties. 390 00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:06,365 All right, should we tell her? 391 00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:08,033 I think we let her have her moment. 392 00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:20,587 Do the shoes fit, Jess? 393 00:15:20,671 --> 00:15:22,047 (FOOTSTEPS, THUDDING) 394 00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:23,298 JESS: I'm okay. 395 00:15:23,382 --> 00:15:25,342 What, are you a model or something? 396 00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:27,511 Yeah. 397 00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:30,848 Yes. Mostly print right now, so… 398 00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:32,224 What is it, Cece? 399 00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:33,851 Cecilia? 400 00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:36,103 Checilia? 401 00:15:36,478 --> 00:15:38,105 Tell me, what are your hopes and dreams? 402 00:15:38,188 --> 00:15:40,899 You know, are you warm? (CHUCKLES) I'm a little warm right now. 403 00:15:40,983 --> 00:15:42,734 -Don't, Schmidt. -All right. 404 00:15:42,818 --> 00:15:44,194 Oh, yeah. There it is. 405 00:15:44,278 --> 00:15:45,863 (INHALES DEEPLY) 406 00:15:45,946 --> 00:15:47,573 Please put your shirt back on. 407 00:15:47,656 --> 00:15:49,700 Please don't make me laugh at you. 408 00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:51,285 Can I hit you up with some tea? 409 00:15:51,368 --> 00:15:53,579 A little herb tea. (GROANS) 410 00:15:53,662 --> 00:15:55,289 Oh, my God. 411 00:15:55,372 --> 00:15:57,249 How good is that? For real? What? 412 00:15:57,332 --> 00:15:58,959 Little p-mint tea? 413 00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:00,711 Yum, right? 414 00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:02,546 Hot, sweet. 415 00:16:03,172 --> 00:16:05,215 Little tea bag action. 416 00:16:05,883 --> 00:16:07,759 And, I wasn't… (CHUCKLES) 417 00:16:07,843 --> 00:16:09,261 I wasn't talking about… 418 00:16:09,344 --> 00:16:11,680 There it is. Douchebag. 419 00:16:11,763 --> 00:16:13,640 Listen to me, you guys. 420 00:16:13,724 --> 00:16:16,059 Jess is by far the best person that I know, 421 00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,729 so, if you guys let anything happen to her, 422 00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:21,231 I'm gonna come here and crazy murder you. 423 00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:24,693 I'm gonna be honest with you. 424 00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:27,321 I did not hear a word that you just said, 425 00:16:27,404 --> 00:16:29,531 'cause I can kind of see your party hats right now. 426 00:16:29,615 --> 00:16:30,908 -There you go. -Jess! 427 00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:33,160 SCHMIDT: Yeah, I can see the party hats for sure. 428 00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:35,329 Why are you talking like this? 429 00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:39,750 I fell off my heels. 430 00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:42,252 Okay, all right. Now, come on. 431 00:16:42,336 --> 00:16:44,463 -Get up. -Oh, what am I doing? 432 00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:46,423 I can't go on a date. What if it's horrible? 433 00:16:46,507 --> 00:16:48,258 What if I have nothing to talk about? 434 00:16:48,342 --> 00:16:50,552 Then you go to the bathroom, and you call me, 435 00:16:50,636 --> 00:16:51,970 and you tell me all about it. 436 00:16:52,513 --> 00:16:54,598 Maybe I just shouldn't go. 437 00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:56,183 Babe, you got hurt. 438 00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:59,269 That doesn't mean you stop trying. Okay? 439 00:16:59,353 --> 00:17:01,980 -Yeah, okay. -Okay, let's go. Come on. 440 00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:06,151 (SIGHS) 441 00:17:06,235 --> 00:17:08,237 You got to take off those overalls. 442 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,447 I was going for, like, a… 443 00:17:11,114 --> 00:17:13,408 Like, a hot farmer's daughter kind of thing. 444 00:17:13,492 --> 00:17:17,704 You know, like, "Oh, I'm going to go milk my cows 445 00:17:17,788 --> 00:17:19,373 "with my bucket." 446 00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:20,874 Take 'em off. 447 00:17:21,333 --> 00:17:23,877 Okay. What am I gonna wear? 448 00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:36,265 Wow! 449 00:17:37,975 --> 00:17:39,351 Thanks, Coach. 450 00:17:40,978 --> 00:17:42,729 (BEATBOXING) 451 00:17:42,813 --> 00:17:44,439 And then she does that. 452 00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:47,651 I'm gonna text him, tell him I'm headed over. 453 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,403 Wait. Have you been texting him? 454 00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:50,696 Is that bad? 455 00:17:52,281 --> 00:17:54,116 No. It's nice. 456 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:56,660 Have a good night. 457 00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:58,287 This is gonna be great. 458 00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:02,040 SCHMIDT: Coach, you don't look anything like an Indian. 459 00:18:02,124 --> 00:18:04,376 Look, man, I got your back. You got to have mine, too. 460 00:18:04,459 --> 00:18:05,460 Coach, I got your back. 461 00:18:05,544 --> 00:18:07,087 No, Nick. I want to hear it from him. 462 00:18:07,171 --> 00:18:09,506 Coach, what sort of Indian wears bike shorts? 463 00:18:09,590 --> 00:18:11,967 Excuse me. Is, uh, Caroline… I'm looking for Caroline. 464 00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:14,678 -We're supposed to be on some list. -Hey, Nick. 465 00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:17,264 Thanks. 466 00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:20,392 Sorry I'm wearing this stupid thing. 467 00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:22,144 -(CHUCKLES) -Schmidt made me do it. 468 00:18:22,227 --> 00:18:24,605 -Thank you so much for getting us in. -Yeah. No problem. 469 00:18:24,688 --> 00:18:27,482 Um, maybe to pay me back, you can stop prank calling me. 470 00:18:27,566 --> 00:18:30,819 -What? -(COCKNEY ACCENT) "Hello… Caroline. 471 00:18:30,903 --> 00:18:32,863 "I still loves you, I do." 472 00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:35,532 You got to figure that out. Some crazy person's calling you. 473 00:18:35,616 --> 00:18:38,368 -(CHUCKLES) -You look nice. It's good to see you. 474 00:18:39,203 --> 00:18:42,789 Um, I… I think I'm almost finished out here, if you… 475 00:18:42,873 --> 00:18:45,709 Do you want to go grab a drink? 476 00:18:46,335 --> 00:18:47,711 -Yeah. -Yeah? 477 00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,379 Sure. Yeah. Let's… 478 00:18:49,463 --> 00:18:51,590 -You and I just get a drink. -Let's get a drink. 479 00:18:51,673 --> 00:18:52,841 -Just be normal about it. -Okay. 480 00:18:52,925 --> 00:18:55,886 Actually, hold on. I'm sorry. I just… I have to ask you something 481 00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:59,139 so that one day I'm not an old man filled with regret. 482 00:18:59,223 --> 00:19:01,058 But why did you dump me? 483 00:19:01,517 --> 00:19:04,561 Um… Do… Okay. 484 00:19:04,645 --> 00:19:07,773 Are we doing this here, like, now? 485 00:19:09,066 --> 00:19:10,275 Yeah. 486 00:19:10,359 --> 00:19:11,735 Why did you dump me? 487 00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:13,737 Um… 488 00:19:15,572 --> 00:19:21,036 Honestly, I… I didn't even realize that you cared about me until we broke up. 489 00:19:24,748 --> 00:19:25,749 Okay. 490 00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:28,544 Let's get that drink. (CHUCKLES) 491 00:19:28,627 --> 00:19:29,962 BENJAMIN: Get along, little doggy. 492 00:19:30,045 --> 00:19:33,215 Well, howdy there, muchachos. 493 00:19:33,757 --> 00:19:36,260 Hey, where's Jess? 494 00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:38,470 Oh, dude, she texted me seven times. 495 00:19:38,554 --> 00:19:40,764 Like, long ones. I just wanted to hook up. 496 00:19:40,848 --> 00:19:44,560 So, is she waiting for you to show up, or did you call her? 497 00:19:44,643 --> 00:19:47,020 Yeah, that's what I did. I called her. 498 00:19:47,104 --> 00:19:48,564 (LAUGHTER) 499 00:19:48,647 --> 00:19:49,815 PETER: Are you kidding me? 500 00:19:50,232 --> 00:19:52,067 See you inside, Schmidt. 501 00:19:54,403 --> 00:19:55,654 CAROLINE: Nick? 502 00:19:55,946 --> 00:19:57,364 Want to get that drink? 503 00:20:00,117 --> 00:20:02,786 No. I got to go help a friend, Caroline. 504 00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:06,039 No, no, no, no, no. Guys, this is the party of the year, you guys. 505 00:20:06,123 --> 00:20:07,583 This is our night. This is our night! 506 00:20:07,666 --> 00:20:09,126 I'm going with Nick, man. You coming? 507 00:20:09,209 --> 00:20:10,419 I thought you guys were my boys! 508 00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:12,504 "My boys" is not a thing, Schmidt. Stop. 509 00:20:14,173 --> 00:20:15,799 COACH: We're coming, Jess! 510 00:20:28,854 --> 00:20:30,063 Oh! 511 00:20:39,198 --> 00:20:43,911 Do you have anything else that is free, but also has bread in it? 512 00:20:43,994 --> 00:20:46,997 Because the… The, like, good bread I ate, and the… 513 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:48,624 All that's left is, like, a… 514 00:20:48,707 --> 00:20:50,626 It's, like… It's kind of like a health bread. 515 00:20:50,709 --> 00:20:51,710 I'm sorry. 516 00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:54,254 We're going to have to ask you to give up the table. 517 00:20:56,089 --> 00:21:00,802 Um, can I please just stay just a little bit longer? 518 00:21:00,886 --> 00:21:02,137 NICK: We're here! 519 00:21:02,221 --> 00:21:03,222 Yup. 520 00:21:03,305 --> 00:21:04,848 We're here, Jess. We're here. 521 00:21:04,973 --> 00:21:06,266 We're here for the date. 522 00:21:06,350 --> 00:21:07,684 -Date thing. -Phew. 523 00:21:07,768 --> 00:21:08,769 You're all on a date? 524 00:21:08,852 --> 00:21:09,853 NICK: Yeah. 525 00:21:09,937 --> 00:21:11,396 We, uh… We're her boyfriends. 526 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:12,773 We are reverse Mormons. 527 00:21:12,856 --> 00:21:14,775 -One man just isn't enough for her. -Okay. 528 00:21:16,610 --> 00:21:19,863 -Hey, Jess, that guy was a jerk. -Yeah. 529 00:21:19,947 --> 00:21:21,615 He was a clown. 530 00:21:21,698 --> 00:21:26,453 You guys missed your party to come here and…see me? 531 00:21:26,537 --> 00:21:29,915 Yeah. We, uh… We care about you. 532 00:21:29,998 --> 00:21:31,208 We like you. 533 00:21:31,291 --> 00:21:33,001 (CRYING) That's so nice. 534 00:21:33,085 --> 00:21:35,003 -What is that? -Don't start crying. 535 00:21:35,087 --> 00:21:36,129 Come on. 536 00:21:36,213 --> 00:21:37,506 It's cool. It's very, very cool. 537 00:21:37,589 --> 00:21:38,841 NICK: Come on, Jess. Come on. 538 00:21:38,924 --> 00:21:40,217 -Please? -Stop it! 539 00:21:40,300 --> 00:21:41,301 -Coach. -All right. 540 00:21:41,385 --> 00:21:43,804 It's okay. Hey. Don't cry. 541 00:21:44,388 --> 00:21:46,682 (SINGING) For I've had 542 00:21:47,224 --> 00:21:49,309 The time of my life 543 00:21:49,393 --> 00:21:50,727 COACH: What is he doing? 544 00:21:50,811 --> 00:21:53,146 And I've never felt this way before 545 00:21:53,897 --> 00:21:55,983 Yes, it's true 546 00:21:56,066 --> 00:21:58,610 Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, and something 547 00:21:58,694 --> 00:22:00,028 Something, something… 548 00:22:00,153 --> 00:22:02,698 Oh, those bears in my house 549 00:22:02,781 --> 00:22:04,992 And it's the song that makes you really,really happy 550 00:22:05,075 --> 00:22:06,910 I'm not, uh… I'm not participating in this. 551 00:22:06,994 --> 00:22:11,957 Just remember you're the one thing 552 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:13,041 (GRUNTS) 553 00:22:13,125 --> 00:22:16,044 I can't get enough of 554 00:22:16,128 --> 00:22:17,963 (LAUGHS) 555 00:22:18,046 --> 00:22:20,549 (ALL SINGING DIFFERENT LYRICS) 556 00:22:20,632 --> 00:22:22,968 (ALL SINGING) 557 00:22:25,012 --> 00:22:27,514 -I've had… -Best 558 00:22:27,598 --> 00:22:29,808 The time of my life 559 00:22:29,892 --> 00:22:32,436 And I owe it all to you 560 00:22:32,519 --> 00:22:33,562 Come on, what time is it? 561 00:22:33,645 --> 00:22:36,732 The time of my life… 562 00:22:36,815 --> 00:22:38,192 -Hey! -(COACH SINGS HIGH NOTE) 563 00:22:38,901 --> 00:22:39,902 It was nice. 564 00:22:39,985 --> 00:22:41,528 You have to leave now, all of you. 565 00:22:42,946 --> 00:22:45,657 I've had 566 00:22:45,741 --> 00:22:48,744 The time of my life 567 00:22:48,827 --> 00:22:50,370 (INDISTINCT CHATTER AND SINGING) 568 00:22:50,454 --> 00:22:52,915 And I never felt this way before 569 00:22:52,998 --> 00:22:58,295 I swear it's the truth, and I… 570 00:22:58,378 --> 00:23:00,672 You're right, Jess, this movie's pretty good. 571 00:23:03,217 --> 00:23:05,302 Seriously, thank you guys so much for tonight. 572 00:23:05,385 --> 00:23:07,179 That was really cool. 573 00:23:07,262 --> 00:23:10,474 (SINGING CONTINUES ON TV) …through every open door 574 00:23:10,599 --> 00:23:14,353 SCHMIDT: Listen, Jess, I know you've had a really rough go of it, 575 00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:17,147 and I just want you to know that… 576 00:23:17,231 --> 00:23:21,443 I mean, for me, at least, that no matter what, 577 00:23:22,069 --> 00:23:24,404 I would still totally do you. 578 00:23:25,197 --> 00:23:26,782 Aw, that's so sweet. 579 00:23:26,865 --> 00:23:28,408 Yeah. Absolutely. 580 00:23:28,492 --> 00:23:29,493 Jar. 581 00:23:29,576 --> 00:23:30,577 -Yeah. -Jar. 41420

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