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1
00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:03,795
So, you know in horror movies
when the girl's like,
2
00:00:03,879 --> 00:00:06,298
"Oh, my God, there's something
in the basement.
3
00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:08,175
"Let me just run down there
in my underwear
4
00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:09,843
"and see what's going on in the dark."
5
00:00:09,927 --> 00:00:12,596
And you're like,
"What is your problem? Call the police."
6
00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:16,350
And she's like, "Okay," but it's too late,
because she's already getting murdered?
7
00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:19,144
Well, uh, my story's kind of like that.
8
00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:22,731
JESS: It's a surprise for Spencer.
9
00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:25,442
I'm just gonna walk in
and drop my coat on the ground.
10
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:29,947
He says he has this fantasy
that I'm a stripper with a heart of gold,
11
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:32,032
and he's helping me
put myself through college.
12
00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,159
He didn't say the college part, did he?
13
00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:37,162
Um, no. I wanted to
create a three-dimensional sex character.
14
00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:39,581
Really? What's your stripper name?
15
00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:42,793
Uh, Rebecca Johnson.
16
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:45,045
Your stripper name's Rebecca Johnson?
17
00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:46,588
Boobies Johnson.
18
00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:48,173
Two Boobs Johnson.
19
00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:51,343
Look at you, in the back
of a cab, totally naked.
20
00:00:51,677 --> 00:00:53,554
I am so proud of you.
21
00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,309
Hello.
22
00:00:59,852 --> 00:01:01,478
I came home early.
23
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:02,980
Jess! What…
24
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,065
Who's Jess?
25
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:09,069
You're talking to Tiger Boobs.
26
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:12,948
-Oh…
-(JESS SINGING)
27
00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:14,032
Bu-bubba-bubba-bubba
28
00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:15,117
Uh…
29
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:18,579
I'm doing sexy things with a pillow
30
00:01:19,371 --> 00:01:20,372
Just…
31
00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:23,709
She's doing sexy stuff
to the plant right…
32
00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:24,793
Okay.
33
00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:26,920
I'll pick that up later
34
00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:29,423
Who's that girl?
35
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:35,554
Who's that girl…
36
00:01:35,637 --> 00:01:37,055
It's Jess…
37
00:01:37,139 --> 00:01:38,140
SPENCER: Oh…
38
00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:45,564
So, that happened.
39
00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:48,233
That's why I need a new apartment.
40
00:01:48,692 --> 00:01:51,778
I'm sorry, what was the question again?
41
00:01:52,196 --> 00:01:54,615
Do you have any pets?
42
00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:56,325
(SINGING)
Who's that girl?
43
00:01:56,408 --> 00:01:57,743
Who's that girl?
44
00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,912
-Who's that girl?
-Who's that girl?
45
00:01:59,995 --> 00:02:01,038
It's Jess
46
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,335
You know what's funny?
47
00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:11,089
When I saw your ad on Craigslist,
I thought you were women.
48
00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:12,966
-(LAUGHTER)
-We're all… That's…
49
00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:14,635
Why would you think that?
That's crazy.
50
00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:16,678
-I mean, what…
-Schmidt wrote the ad.
51
00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:19,681
Oh, I guess it was something
about the words you used.
52
00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:24,520
It was like, uh, like,
"sun-soaked" and "beige-y."
53
00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:26,605
(LAUGHTER)
54
00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:28,565
-What are you doing?
-COACH: Wow.
55
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:31,068
What about these?
These look beige-y to you?
56
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,653
Sorry.
57
00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:34,154
I'm his trainer, so, uh,
58
00:02:34,238 --> 00:02:35,989
it's the house
that Coach built right here.
59
00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:38,033
What are we looking at here?
That's baby smooth.
60
00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:39,326
This is LLS.
61
00:02:39,409 --> 00:02:40,452
Ladies Love Schmidt.
62
00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:42,579
What? What did you just say?
63
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,498
Go put a dollar in the jar right now.
64
00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:45,999
-Are you serious?
-Yeah. Now.
65
00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:47,251
Damn it.
66
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:48,418
LLS?
67
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:49,837
What is wrong with you?
68
00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:52,339
This place is beautiful.
69
00:02:52,422 --> 00:02:53,632
Gets so much light.
70
00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,260
Spencer hated light.
71
00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:57,386
It's hard to say his name.
72
00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:58,595
SCHMIDT: It's okay.
73
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,180
Nick knows. He got dumped.
74
00:03:00,264 --> 00:03:01,723
(SCOFFS) Dumped.
75
00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:03,350
Yeah, I got dumped.
76
00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:05,936
-I can't hear you!
-Yes, we're breaking up.
77
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,980
-No! La-la-la-la-la!
-I'm breaking up with you.
78
00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:09,064
I need some time away…
79
00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:11,650
Yeah, I got dumped.
80
00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:12,943
She dumped me.
81
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,069
And I'm over it.
82
00:03:14,152 --> 00:03:16,405
-Okay, it was six months ago, guys.
-COACH: Mmm-hmm.
83
00:03:16,488 --> 00:03:17,489
Get past it.
84
00:03:17,573 --> 00:03:19,533
I don't even know
why we're still talking about it.
85
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:21,326
Why's everybody looking at me?
86
00:03:25,247 --> 00:03:27,165
You know what, I want to live here.
87
00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:29,209
Actually, I…
I still have some questions.
88
00:03:29,293 --> 00:03:31,628
I mean, no offense, you know,
but we barely know you.
89
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:35,048
Yeah, okay, yeah.
So, um, full disclosure,
90
00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:38,093
I'm kind of emotional right now
'cause of the breakup,
91
00:03:38,177 --> 00:03:40,470
so I'll probably be watching Dirty Dancing
92
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:41,889
at least six or seven times.
93
00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:43,140
A day.
94
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,474
Um, I'm a teacher,
95
00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:47,978
so I bring home a lot
of popsicle sticks, stuff like that.
96
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,856
Also, I like to sing to myself, a lot.
97
00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,774
(SINGING)
A lot
98
00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:55,569
I'm tired of living with my friend.
99
00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:58,405
She's a model.
All her friends are models.
100
00:03:58,488 --> 00:04:00,240
Uh, how soon can you move in?
101
00:04:00,324 --> 00:04:01,783
-Actually, slow up.
-Not happening.
102
00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:03,327
Okay, uh, could you give us a second?
103
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,787
I just got to… Got to talk to my boys.
104
00:04:05,871 --> 00:04:07,331
"My boys" is not a thing around here.
105
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:08,624
-My bros.
-Okay, douchebag jar.
106
00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:10,125
-For what?
-For "My bros."
107
00:04:10,209 --> 00:04:12,544
I'm gonna say yes.
Her friends are models.
108
00:04:12,628 --> 00:04:14,379
Okay, you guys? Models.
109
00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:15,464
I say no.
110
00:04:15,547 --> 00:04:17,466
I need to be able to come home from work,
111
00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:20,636
sit on my couch and let my beans out.
Let 'em breathe!
112
00:04:20,719 --> 00:04:22,429
Nick, it's all you, buddy.
113
00:04:22,513 --> 00:04:24,097
Well, first let me say,
114
00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:26,433
I think you guys make
some really interesting points,
115
00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:28,435
points that I respect,
but I will say this.
116
00:04:28,519 --> 00:04:30,812
I have lived with a woman,
Caroline, as you guys know,
117
00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:33,732
and so I know that there are pros
and real cons, guys.
118
00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:35,359
-Nick, you're weak!
-Okay, pro…
119
00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:36,527
They smell nice.
120
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:37,778
-(SIGHS)
-Cons…
121
00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:39,613
Every once in a while,
the mood changes
122
00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:40,989
and you're not sure why.
123
00:04:41,073 --> 00:04:42,574
They'll ruin your life if you let 'em.
124
00:04:42,658 --> 00:04:44,701
They'll break down your will to live.
125
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,411
Pros, they're really good at folding.
126
00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:47,496
Make a decision!
127
00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:49,456
I'm sorry, but, like, another pro, like…
128
00:04:49,540 --> 00:04:50,541
-Oh, don't do it.
-I'm gonna.
129
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,251
-Put it down.
-Don't hood me.
130
00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:54,211
You guys don't know
what you're talking about.
131
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,213
-Don't hood me.
-I know what I'm talking about.
132
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:57,381
-Okay.
-Pushed him too hard.
133
00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:59,091
We did push him too hard.
How about this?
134
00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:01,176
Executive decision. She's in.
135
00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:03,220
JESS: Yay, I'm in!
136
00:05:08,517 --> 00:05:11,019
You are not gonna regret this.
137
00:05:11,103 --> 00:05:12,688
-(JESS SOBBING LOUDLY)
-(SINGING ON TV)
138
00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:15,023
…the time of my life
139
00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:19,194
No, I never felt like this before
140
00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,905
Yes, I swear it's the truth
141
00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:23,198
Ow!
142
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,951
What have you done, Schmidt?
143
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,453
(JESS BLOWING NOSE)
144
00:05:31,582 --> 00:05:33,000
I got to go, Mom.
145
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:35,335
No, I'm not watching Dirty Dancing.
146
00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:38,922
No, I don't think so.
147
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:42,551
Hey, are you gonna murder me 'cause
you're a stranger I met on the Internet?
148
00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,887
-Yes, I am.
-He says no.
149
00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:47,306
JESS: No, look, I got to go. Okay.
150
00:05:47,389 --> 00:05:48,932
All right, love you. Bye.
151
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,893
SCHMIDT: So the Wild West party's
on Saturday.
152
00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:54,479
I'm trying to get us in,
but you may need to call Caroline.
153
00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:55,898
-Not calling her.
-Hear me out…
154
00:05:55,981 --> 00:05:57,107
Shh.
155
00:05:57,191 --> 00:05:59,985
(SINGING ALONG)
Had the time of my life
156
00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:02,738
We are in this situation
because of you.
157
00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:05,574
I hate your face, Spencer.
I love you.
158
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,910
It has been a week of this madness.
159
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,703
I'm going crazy, Schmidt. I can't take it.
160
00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:11,580
You know what, I got this.
161
00:06:12,998 --> 00:06:15,125
(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING)
162
00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:16,710
Hi, Coach.
163
00:06:17,211 --> 00:06:18,212
Stop it.
164
00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:20,756
Stop.
165
00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:23,383
-(WAILING)
-Schmidt.
166
00:06:23,467 --> 00:06:24,843
Okay, all right.
167
00:06:24,927 --> 00:06:26,929
I got us into this, I'm gonna get us out.
168
00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:28,805
Jess, I'm gonna take the remote.
169
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:29,890
(TURNS OFF TV)
170
00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:31,433
All right, all right.
171
00:06:31,517 --> 00:06:33,477
Hey, Jess, how you doing?
172
00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:36,647
You look fantastic.
173
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,315
What if you came out with us tonight?
174
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,025
You know, after work.
175
00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:42,319
You know, we'll fix you up,
we'll take you out,
176
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,612
we'll get you a rebound.
177
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:46,657
-A rebound?
-Yeah.
178
00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:48,867
I don't know if I'm ready.
179
00:06:48,951 --> 00:06:50,160
You're totally ready for it.
180
00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:51,828
I'll take you through the whole thing.
181
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,497
I'll be… I'll be like your guide.
182
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,416
Like Gandalf through Middle-earth?
183
00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:58,585
Probably not like… Okay.
184
00:06:58,669 --> 00:07:01,463
First of all, let's take
the "Lord of the Rings" references,
185
00:07:01,547 --> 00:07:05,592
let's put them in a deep dark cave, okay,
where no one's gonna find them, ever.
186
00:07:05,676 --> 00:07:06,927
Except Sméagol.
187
00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:08,554
(WHISPERS) He lives in a cave.
188
00:07:08,637 --> 00:07:10,138
You know what, Jess, come on.
189
00:07:10,222 --> 00:07:11,932
Let's just take the head off the couch.
190
00:07:12,683 --> 00:07:14,518
-Come on. Sit up, girl.
-COACH: There you go.
191
00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:17,604
SCHMIDT: Look at that.
Doesn't that feel good?
192
00:07:17,688 --> 00:07:19,314
There we go.
193
00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:22,609
I think that sounds nice. (SNIFFLES)
194
00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:26,071
(SINGING)
She's going out to find a rebound
195
00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:28,156
Who's that girl? It's Jess
196
00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:31,994
Wait, did you just make up
a theme song for yourself?
197
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,371
I'm… I'm gonna fix it.
198
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:38,500
I'm not calling my ex-girlfriend
to get you into a party.
199
00:07:38,584 --> 00:07:40,460
This party is everything to me.
200
00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:42,671
Please, Nick. We go every year.
201
00:07:42,754 --> 00:07:45,007
You have no idea
what I'm going through at work.
202
00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:46,967
-(WOMEN CLAMORING)
-Just trying to do my work!
203
00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:48,969
-I'm trying to do a good job here!
-Nice tie.
204
00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:50,762
Can I borrow a tampon?
205
00:07:50,846 --> 00:07:52,681
(LAUGHTER)
206
00:07:52,848 --> 00:07:53,849
(SHUDDERS)
207
00:07:53,932 --> 00:07:55,184
Schmidt, I'm not calling her.
208
00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:56,435
-(SHOWER RUNNING)
-Listen to me.
209
00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:57,519
Knowing every year
210
00:07:57,603 --> 00:08:00,314
I'll be going to the Wild Wild West
Charity Auction for Poverty
211
00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:04,526
reminds me that I'm still a man,
and I can still motorboat a hot girl
212
00:08:04,610 --> 00:08:07,154
who is also a member
of the Cherokee Nation,
213
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:09,573
which is not racist,
because it is for a good cause.
214
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:12,034
-JESS: Somebody's in here.
-We're leaving in 10 minutes.
215
00:08:12,117 --> 00:08:14,661
-Did you shave your legs?
-I will now.
216
00:08:14,745 --> 00:08:16,246
Front and backs?
217
00:08:16,330 --> 00:08:17,915
-Yes.
-Thank you.
218
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:19,082
I'm gonna kill myself now.
219
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,919
Just call Caroline. You call her
all the time when you're drunk.
220
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,378
What are you referring to?
221
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:26,256
(COCKNEY ACCENT) Hello, Caroline.
222
00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:28,342
I still love you.
223
00:08:28,759 --> 00:08:30,344
So much.
224
00:08:31,220 --> 00:08:33,764
So…much.
225
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,141
I'm not calling her.
226
00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:38,435
Schmidt, I know you really
want to go to this party,
227
00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:40,938
but wouldn't it be better to find a girl
228
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,815
who you really care about to motorboat?
229
00:08:43,899 --> 00:08:46,652
Then maybe, if you're super lucky,
230
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:50,364
you might find a girl
who'll motorboat you right back.
231
00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:52,282
I don't think she knows
what motorboating is.
232
00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:55,827
SCHMIDT: Jess, we are leaving in five.
233
00:08:55,911 --> 00:08:56,954
Hey.
234
00:08:57,287 --> 00:08:59,164
-Hey, Coach, what's…
-(GASPS)
235
00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:01,750
Sorry.
236
00:09:03,502 --> 00:09:07,047
Um, my boss says
that I don't know how to talk to women,
237
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,215
which is ridiculous.
238
00:09:08,298 --> 00:09:11,718
-Spin, woman! Spin! Aah! Go!
-(SQUEALING)
239
00:09:11,802 --> 00:09:13,178
You're so mean!
240
00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:15,097
I'm not mean, I'm trying to help you!
241
00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:16,723
-(SOBBING)
-I'm trying to help you!
242
00:09:16,807 --> 00:09:19,935
So I was wondering if you could, uh,
help me out with that.
243
00:09:20,018 --> 00:09:22,020
Sure, sure. Absolutely.
244
00:09:22,104 --> 00:09:25,148
Um… Well, first of all,
245
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:27,276
maybe think about what women
like to talk about.
246
00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:29,778
You know, like, use me for practice.
247
00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:31,780
All right. Um…
248
00:09:31,864 --> 00:09:34,241
Ahem. Shopping.
249
00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:37,536
Is that fun…for you guys?
250
00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:39,329
Yeah, shopping's fun.
251
00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:41,957
Uh, the other day I bought
a pair of jeggings.
252
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:45,294
They look like jeans,
but they're really leggings.
253
00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:48,422
Uh… Uh…
254
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:51,216
You… I…
255
00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:53,802
(SHOUTING) Who cares?
256
00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:55,387
Sorry.
257
00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:58,557
Um, good job.
258
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:01,852
Uh, couple things you could work on.
259
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,646
Uh, one, lowering your voice.
260
00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:06,106
Right on.
261
00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:08,233
Um, two, listening.
262
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:12,029
-Uh, three, rage.
-Absolutely.
263
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,405
Um, four…
264
00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:15,532
Your hair is on fire.
265
00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:16,992
(SIZZLING)
266
00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:21,747
Beers and a rosé.
267
00:10:22,664 --> 00:10:26,710
Pink wine makes me slutty.
268
00:10:26,877 --> 00:10:29,213
Whoa, cute guy alert.
269
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:31,840
(IMITATING CARTOON SOUND EFFECTS)
270
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:35,344
SCHMIDT: Okay, Jess, game time.
Let's do this.
271
00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:37,679
You want to forget about Spencer,
you're gonna have to
272
00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:39,932
do some very, very bad things…
273
00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,976
With that man right over there.
274
00:10:43,060 --> 00:10:44,436
How bad?
275
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:47,147
Real bad, Jess. Real bad.
276
00:10:47,231 --> 00:10:49,358
Like a make out sesh, no tops?
277
00:10:50,609 --> 00:10:53,070
Okay, this is what…
This is what's gonna happen.
278
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,781
You're gonna go over there and
you're gonna stand next to him
279
00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:56,865
and you're gonna smile.
280
00:10:58,492 --> 00:10:59,826
You're not gonna smile like that.
281
00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:02,996
You look like a hungry badger.
282
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:05,832
Stop that.
283
00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:07,209
Okay, I got this, I got this.
284
00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:08,669
You got it. Just go make it happen.
285
00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:09,962
COACH: Game on! Grind it out!
286
00:11:10,045 --> 00:11:11,380
-SCHMIDT: Go do it!
-Grind it out!
287
00:11:11,463 --> 00:11:12,589
(LAUGHS)
288
00:11:15,551 --> 00:11:16,969
Hey, sailor.
289
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:20,305
-Oh, all right.
-All right.
290
00:11:20,389 --> 00:11:21,974
That's okay. Maybe he didn't hear that.
291
00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:23,892
You can come back from that.
You're all good.
292
00:11:23,976 --> 00:11:26,395
Holy Schmidt! It's Schmidt!
293
00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:28,689
Oh, it is all about the Benjamin!
294
00:11:28,772 --> 00:11:29,940
-That's right.
-What's up?
295
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,233
-What's up, man?
-All right.
296
00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:33,318
-P-Funk, what's up, dude?
-This is Coach.
297
00:11:33,402 --> 00:11:34,611
What's up, Coach?
298
00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:41,326
You like parties?
299
00:11:41,410 --> 00:11:42,703
-(CHUCKLES)
-Don't talk to me.
300
00:11:42,786 --> 00:11:43,787
Yeah, okay.
301
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:45,455
You know who likes
to party hard, right?
302
00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:46,832
Yeah. So you coming on Saturday?
303
00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:48,917
I hear there's gonna be
some fine ladies there.
304
00:11:49,001 --> 00:11:50,002
Ah, maybe, yeah.
305
00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:52,045
Heard it's not gonna be
that good this year. No?
306
00:11:52,129 --> 00:11:53,130
Are you not on the list?
307
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,382
Man, I'm on every list.
You know that.
308
00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:57,467
Ah. That sucks, man.
309
00:11:57,551 --> 00:11:59,011
Keep your head up, all right?
310
00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:01,513
All right, player. Do your thing.
It was good seeing you.
311
00:12:01,597 --> 00:12:02,723
Take it sleazy, man.
312
00:12:02,806 --> 00:12:04,391
All right, man. P-Funk, always.
313
00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:06,935
-Nick, please.
-Why are you friends with those guys?
314
00:12:07,019 --> 00:12:09,062
Please get me in the party.
I'm begging you.
315
00:12:09,146 --> 00:12:10,439
No, I'm not calling Caroline.
316
00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:12,983
You know what a cute cowboy I am?
Do you have any idea?
317
00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,987
Well, I guess I can't hide my crazy.
318
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,531
I don't think you're trying that hard.
319
00:12:19,615 --> 00:12:22,868
Well, I've never really been
great at this stuff, so…
320
00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:26,121
(SINGING)
What if God was one of us?
321
00:12:26,205 --> 00:12:27,623
-Make it stop!
-(CONTINUES SINGING)
322
00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:30,792
Just a slob like one of us…
323
00:12:32,127 --> 00:12:34,421
Look at us. Couple of losers.
324
00:12:34,505 --> 00:12:36,798
We both got dumped. Geesh.
325
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,383
I'm fine.
326
00:12:38,467 --> 00:12:40,135
Six months ago, so…
327
00:12:40,219 --> 00:12:41,386
Do you know why she dumped you?
328
00:12:41,470 --> 00:12:43,180
I mean, she must have
hurt you pretty bad.
329
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:44,598
No, it made no difference to me.
330
00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:46,433
I just wanted
to set her trash cans on fire.
331
00:12:46,517 --> 00:12:49,311
So you were always just, like,
wondering, like, "What was it?
332
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,939
"Was there something
I could have done differently?"
333
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:55,651
You know what happens to people
who keep it all inside.
334
00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:58,737
They get old,
and they get sad, and they get weird,
335
00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:02,157
and then you're the old man yelling at
the kids running across your yard.
336
00:13:02,241 --> 00:13:04,493
And you're telling them,
"Don't run across my yard.
337
00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:06,161
"My life's filled with regret."
338
00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:10,082
You know, you can't just
pretend like it didn't happen.
339
00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:15,754
Or I could pretend to be more like you,
Jess, and live on a sparkly rainbow
340
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:19,383
and drive a unicorn around,
and just sing all the time.
341
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:21,593
Yeah, I think you should
sing all the time.
342
00:13:21,677 --> 00:13:23,804
No, I was being mean.
I'm not gonna do that, Jess.
343
00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:25,722
Why not? It's fun.
344
00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:27,182
Because I have a penis.
345
00:13:27,266 --> 00:13:29,893
(SINGING)
My name is Nick, I have a penis
346
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:33,397
And I'm not gonna let
any feelings out
347
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:37,234
Okay, Jess, your left boob is resting
on a plate of chicken wings.
348
00:13:37,568 --> 00:13:39,444
Yeah. I know.
349
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:43,991
Hey. I'm Peter.
350
00:13:44,074 --> 00:13:45,993
What are you drinking?
351
00:13:46,118 --> 00:13:47,661
Oh, I'll have another pink wine.
352
00:13:48,412 --> 00:13:49,746
PETER: I like your glasses.
353
00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:51,164
JESS: They help me see.
354
00:13:51,248 --> 00:13:52,666
(LAUGHING)
355
00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:55,377
She's doing all right, hmm?
356
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,087
Schmidt stain!
357
00:13:57,171 --> 00:13:58,922
Hey, man, I was thinking,
358
00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:01,300
it's probably better that
you don't come to the party.
359
00:14:01,383 --> 00:14:03,677
That means more breasts for me.
(LAUGHS)
360
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:07,222
You better step down, son. You're taking
this whole thing too far. I'm ser…
361
00:14:07,306 --> 00:14:08,515
Hold me back, Coach. I'm ser…
362
00:14:08,599 --> 00:14:10,184
Hold me back. Hold me back!
363
00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:12,686
-Coach, would you please hold me back?
-No.
364
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,646
Schmidt, we're going to the party. Relax.
365
00:14:14,730 --> 00:14:15,939
Nice. See you there, Schmitty.
366
00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:17,441
Ah, totally, broseph.
367
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:18,901
Yeah, I texted Caroline.
368
00:14:18,984 --> 00:14:20,110
You texted Caroline?
369
00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:23,363
It's no big deal. It's behind me.
It's in the past, so…
370
00:14:23,447 --> 00:14:25,699
Thank you. I love you, bro.
371
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,326
Yeah, there it is.
372
00:14:27,451 --> 00:14:28,785
Did you just kiss my arm a little?
373
00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:30,204
You bet I did. It felt right.
374
00:14:30,287 --> 00:14:31,997
So, I'll see you tomorrow, sailor.
375
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:34,625
Yeah, cool. Call… Cool.
376
00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:36,835
What's happening tomorrow, sailor?
377
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:38,879
You know what?
You guys were totally right.
378
00:14:38,962 --> 00:14:41,840
I talked in short sentences,
I didn't sing,
379
00:14:41,924 --> 00:14:44,051
I laughed, I smiled,
I said I needed rebound sex,
380
00:14:44,134 --> 00:14:46,887
and it totally worked.
He asked me out.
381
00:14:47,930 --> 00:14:50,140
Dinner! With food.
382
00:14:50,224 --> 00:14:51,600
(SINGING)
Ooh, ooh!
383
00:14:51,683 --> 00:14:53,268
-I'm so proud of you.
-You got it, girl.
384
00:14:53,352 --> 00:14:55,145
-You did good.
-Yeah, you put it diz-out!
385
00:14:55,229 --> 00:14:56,230
(SINGING)
A date
386
00:14:56,313 --> 00:15:00,817
It's Jess, she's on fire
387
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:02,110
She's on fire
388
00:15:02,194 --> 00:15:03,195
(GUYS GROAN)
389
00:15:03,278 --> 00:15:05,072
COACH: She's got some big ass panties.
390
00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:06,365
All right, should we tell her?
391
00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:08,033
I think we let her have her moment.
392
00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:20,587
Do the shoes fit, Jess?
393
00:15:20,671 --> 00:15:22,047
(FOOTSTEPS, THUDDING)
394
00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:23,298
JESS: I'm okay.
395
00:15:23,382 --> 00:15:25,342
What, are you a model or something?
396
00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:27,511
Yeah.
397
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:30,848
Yes. Mostly print right now, so…
398
00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:32,224
What is it, Cece?
399
00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:33,851
Cecilia?
400
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:36,103
Checilia?
401
00:15:36,478 --> 00:15:38,105
Tell me, what are
your hopes and dreams?
402
00:15:38,188 --> 00:15:40,899
You know, are you warm?
(CHUCKLES) I'm a little warm right now.
403
00:15:40,983 --> 00:15:42,734
-Don't, Schmidt.
-All right.
404
00:15:42,818 --> 00:15:44,194
Oh, yeah. There it is.
405
00:15:44,278 --> 00:15:45,863
(INHALES DEEPLY)
406
00:15:45,946 --> 00:15:47,573
Please put your shirt back on.
407
00:15:47,656 --> 00:15:49,700
Please don't make me laugh at you.
408
00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:51,285
Can I hit you up with some tea?
409
00:15:51,368 --> 00:15:53,579
A little herb tea. (GROANS)
410
00:15:53,662 --> 00:15:55,289
Oh, my God.
411
00:15:55,372 --> 00:15:57,249
How good is that?
For real? What?
412
00:15:57,332 --> 00:15:58,959
Little p-mint tea?
413
00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:00,711
Yum, right?
414
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:02,546
Hot, sweet.
415
00:16:03,172 --> 00:16:05,215
Little tea bag action.
416
00:16:05,883 --> 00:16:07,759
And, I wasn't… (CHUCKLES)
417
00:16:07,843 --> 00:16:09,261
I wasn't talking about…
418
00:16:09,344 --> 00:16:11,680
There it is. Douchebag.
419
00:16:11,763 --> 00:16:13,640
Listen to me, you guys.
420
00:16:13,724 --> 00:16:16,059
Jess is by far the best person
that I know,
421
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,729
so, if you guys let anything
happen to her,
422
00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:21,231
I'm gonna come here
and crazy murder you.
423
00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:24,693
I'm gonna be honest with you.
424
00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:27,321
I did not hear a word
that you just said,
425
00:16:27,404 --> 00:16:29,531
'cause I can kind of see
your party hats right now.
426
00:16:29,615 --> 00:16:30,908
-There you go.
-Jess!
427
00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:33,160
SCHMIDT: Yeah, I can see
the party hats for sure.
428
00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:35,329
Why are you talking like this?
429
00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:39,750
I fell off my heels.
430
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:42,252
Okay, all right. Now, come on.
431
00:16:42,336 --> 00:16:44,463
-Get up.
-Oh, what am I doing?
432
00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:46,423
I can't go on a date.
What if it's horrible?
433
00:16:46,507 --> 00:16:48,258
What if I have nothing to talk about?
434
00:16:48,342 --> 00:16:50,552
Then you go to the bathroom,
and you call me,
435
00:16:50,636 --> 00:16:51,970
and you tell me all about it.
436
00:16:52,513 --> 00:16:54,598
Maybe I just shouldn't go.
437
00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:56,183
Babe, you got hurt.
438
00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:59,269
That doesn't mean
you stop trying. Okay?
439
00:16:59,353 --> 00:17:01,980
-Yeah, okay.
-Okay, let's go. Come on.
440
00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:06,151
(SIGHS)
441
00:17:06,235 --> 00:17:08,237
You got to take off those overalls.
442
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,447
I was going for, like, a…
443
00:17:11,114 --> 00:17:13,408
Like, a hot farmer's daughter
kind of thing.
444
00:17:13,492 --> 00:17:17,704
You know, like, "Oh,
I'm going to go milk my cows
445
00:17:17,788 --> 00:17:19,373
"with my bucket."
446
00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:20,874
Take 'em off.
447
00:17:21,333 --> 00:17:23,877
Okay. What am I gonna wear?
448
00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:36,265
Wow!
449
00:17:37,975 --> 00:17:39,351
Thanks, Coach.
450
00:17:40,978 --> 00:17:42,729
(BEATBOXING)
451
00:17:42,813 --> 00:17:44,439
And then she does that.
452
00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:47,651
I'm gonna text him,
tell him I'm headed over.
453
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,403
Wait. Have you been texting him?
454
00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:50,696
Is that bad?
455
00:17:52,281 --> 00:17:54,116
No. It's nice.
456
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:56,660
Have a good night.
457
00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:58,287
This is gonna be great.
458
00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:02,040
SCHMIDT: Coach, you don't look
anything like an Indian.
459
00:18:02,124 --> 00:18:04,376
Look, man, I got your back.
You got to have mine, too.
460
00:18:04,459 --> 00:18:05,460
Coach, I got your back.
461
00:18:05,544 --> 00:18:07,087
No, Nick. I want to hear it from him.
462
00:18:07,171 --> 00:18:09,506
Coach, what sort of
Indian wears bike shorts?
463
00:18:09,590 --> 00:18:11,967
Excuse me. Is, uh, Caroline…
I'm looking for Caroline.
464
00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:14,678
-We're supposed to be on some list.
-Hey, Nick.
465
00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:17,264
Thanks.
466
00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:20,392
Sorry I'm wearing this stupid thing.
467
00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:22,144
-(CHUCKLES)
-Schmidt made me do it.
468
00:18:22,227 --> 00:18:24,605
-Thank you so much for getting us in.
-Yeah. No problem.
469
00:18:24,688 --> 00:18:27,482
Um, maybe to pay me back,
you can stop prank calling me.
470
00:18:27,566 --> 00:18:30,819
-What?
-(COCKNEY ACCENT) "Hello… Caroline.
471
00:18:30,903 --> 00:18:32,863
"I still loves you, I do."
472
00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:35,532
You got to figure that out.
Some crazy person's calling you.
473
00:18:35,616 --> 00:18:38,368
-(CHUCKLES)
-You look nice. It's good to see you.
474
00:18:39,203 --> 00:18:42,789
Um, I… I think I'm almost
finished out here, if you…
475
00:18:42,873 --> 00:18:45,709
Do you want to go grab a drink?
476
00:18:46,335 --> 00:18:47,711
-Yeah.
-Yeah?
477
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,379
Sure. Yeah. Let's…
478
00:18:49,463 --> 00:18:51,590
-You and I just get a drink.
-Let's get a drink.
479
00:18:51,673 --> 00:18:52,841
-Just be normal about it.
-Okay.
480
00:18:52,925 --> 00:18:55,886
Actually, hold on. I'm sorry.
I just… I have to ask you something
481
00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:59,139
so that one day I'm not
an old man filled with regret.
482
00:18:59,223 --> 00:19:01,058
But why did you dump me?
483
00:19:01,517 --> 00:19:04,561
Um… Do… Okay.
484
00:19:04,645 --> 00:19:07,773
Are we doing this here, like, now?
485
00:19:09,066 --> 00:19:10,275
Yeah.
486
00:19:10,359 --> 00:19:11,735
Why did you dump me?
487
00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:13,737
Um…
488
00:19:15,572 --> 00:19:21,036
Honestly, I… I didn't even realize
that you cared about me until we broke up.
489
00:19:24,748 --> 00:19:25,749
Okay.
490
00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:28,544
Let's get that drink. (CHUCKLES)
491
00:19:28,627 --> 00:19:29,962
BENJAMIN: Get along, little doggy.
492
00:19:30,045 --> 00:19:33,215
Well, howdy there, muchachos.
493
00:19:33,757 --> 00:19:36,260
Hey, where's Jess?
494
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:38,470
Oh, dude, she texted me seven times.
495
00:19:38,554 --> 00:19:40,764
Like, long ones. I just wanted to hook up.
496
00:19:40,848 --> 00:19:44,560
So, is she waiting for you
to show up, or did you call her?
497
00:19:44,643 --> 00:19:47,020
Yeah, that's what I did. I called her.
498
00:19:47,104 --> 00:19:48,564
(LAUGHTER)
499
00:19:48,647 --> 00:19:49,815
PETER: Are you kidding me?
500
00:19:50,232 --> 00:19:52,067
See you inside, Schmidt.
501
00:19:54,403 --> 00:19:55,654
CAROLINE: Nick?
502
00:19:55,946 --> 00:19:57,364
Want to get that drink?
503
00:20:00,117 --> 00:20:02,786
No. I got to go help a friend, Caroline.
504
00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:06,039
No, no, no, no, no. Guys, this is
the party of the year, you guys.
505
00:20:06,123 --> 00:20:07,583
This is our night. This is our night!
506
00:20:07,666 --> 00:20:09,126
I'm going with Nick, man. You coming?
507
00:20:09,209 --> 00:20:10,419
I thought you guys were my boys!
508
00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:12,504
"My boys" is not a thing, Schmidt. Stop.
509
00:20:14,173 --> 00:20:15,799
COACH: We're coming, Jess!
510
00:20:28,854 --> 00:20:30,063
Oh!
511
00:20:39,198 --> 00:20:43,911
Do you have anything else
that is free, but also has bread in it?
512
00:20:43,994 --> 00:20:46,997
Because the… The, like,
good bread I ate, and the…
513
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:48,624
All that's left is, like, a…
514
00:20:48,707 --> 00:20:50,626
It's, like… It's kind of
like a health bread.
515
00:20:50,709 --> 00:20:51,710
I'm sorry.
516
00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:54,254
We're going to have to
ask you to give up the table.
517
00:20:56,089 --> 00:21:00,802
Um, can I please just stay
just a little bit longer?
518
00:21:00,886 --> 00:21:02,137
NICK: We're here!
519
00:21:02,221 --> 00:21:03,222
Yup.
520
00:21:03,305 --> 00:21:04,848
We're here, Jess. We're here.
521
00:21:04,973 --> 00:21:06,266
We're here for the date.
522
00:21:06,350 --> 00:21:07,684
-Date thing.
-Phew.
523
00:21:07,768 --> 00:21:08,769
You're all on a date?
524
00:21:08,852 --> 00:21:09,853
NICK: Yeah.
525
00:21:09,937 --> 00:21:11,396
We, uh… We're her boyfriends.
526
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:12,773
We are reverse Mormons.
527
00:21:12,856 --> 00:21:14,775
-One man just isn't enough for her.
-Okay.
528
00:21:16,610 --> 00:21:19,863
-Hey, Jess, that guy was a jerk.
-Yeah.
529
00:21:19,947 --> 00:21:21,615
He was a clown.
530
00:21:21,698 --> 00:21:26,453
You guys missed your party
to come here and…see me?
531
00:21:26,537 --> 00:21:29,915
Yeah. We, uh… We care about you.
532
00:21:29,998 --> 00:21:31,208
We like you.
533
00:21:31,291 --> 00:21:33,001
(CRYING) That's so nice.
534
00:21:33,085 --> 00:21:35,003
-What is that?
-Don't start crying.
535
00:21:35,087 --> 00:21:36,129
Come on.
536
00:21:36,213 --> 00:21:37,506
It's cool. It's very, very cool.
537
00:21:37,589 --> 00:21:38,841
NICK: Come on, Jess. Come on.
538
00:21:38,924 --> 00:21:40,217
-Please?
-Stop it!
539
00:21:40,300 --> 00:21:41,301
-Coach.
-All right.
540
00:21:41,385 --> 00:21:43,804
It's okay. Hey. Don't cry.
541
00:21:44,388 --> 00:21:46,682
(SINGING)
For I've had
542
00:21:47,224 --> 00:21:49,309
The time of my life
543
00:21:49,393 --> 00:21:50,727
COACH: What is he doing?
544
00:21:50,811 --> 00:21:53,146
And I've never felt this way before
545
00:21:53,897 --> 00:21:55,983
Yes, it's true
546
00:21:56,066 --> 00:21:58,610
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, and something
547
00:21:58,694 --> 00:22:00,028
Something, something…
548
00:22:00,153 --> 00:22:02,698
Oh, those bears in my house
549
00:22:02,781 --> 00:22:04,992
And it's the song
that makes you really,really happy
550
00:22:05,075 --> 00:22:06,910
I'm not, uh…
I'm not participating in this.
551
00:22:06,994 --> 00:22:11,957
Just remember you're the one thing
552
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:13,041
(GRUNTS)
553
00:22:13,125 --> 00:22:16,044
I can't get enough of
554
00:22:16,128 --> 00:22:17,963
(LAUGHS)
555
00:22:18,046 --> 00:22:20,549
(ALL SINGING DIFFERENT LYRICS)
556
00:22:20,632 --> 00:22:22,968
(ALL SINGING)
557
00:22:25,012 --> 00:22:27,514
-I've had…
-Best
558
00:22:27,598 --> 00:22:29,808
The time of my life
559
00:22:29,892 --> 00:22:32,436
And I owe it all to you
560
00:22:32,519 --> 00:22:33,562
Come on, what time is it?
561
00:22:33,645 --> 00:22:36,732
The time of my life…
562
00:22:36,815 --> 00:22:38,192
-Hey!
-(COACH SINGS HIGH NOTE)
563
00:22:38,901 --> 00:22:39,902
It was nice.
564
00:22:39,985 --> 00:22:41,528
You have to leave now, all of you.
565
00:22:42,946 --> 00:22:45,657
I've had
566
00:22:45,741 --> 00:22:48,744
The time of my life
567
00:22:48,827 --> 00:22:50,370
(INDISTINCT CHATTER AND SINGING)
568
00:22:50,454 --> 00:22:52,915
And I never felt this way before
569
00:22:52,998 --> 00:22:58,295
I swear it's the truth, and I…
570
00:22:58,378 --> 00:23:00,672
You're right, Jess,
this movie's pretty good.
571
00:23:03,217 --> 00:23:05,302
Seriously, thank you guys
so much for tonight.
572
00:23:05,385 --> 00:23:07,179
That was really cool.
573
00:23:07,262 --> 00:23:10,474
(SINGING CONTINUES ON TV)
…through every open door
574
00:23:10,599 --> 00:23:14,353
SCHMIDT: Listen, Jess,
I know you've had a really rough go of it,
575
00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:17,147
and I just want you to know that…
576
00:23:17,231 --> 00:23:21,443
I mean, for me, at least,
that no matter what,
577
00:23:22,069 --> 00:23:24,404
I would still totally do you.
578
00:23:25,197 --> 00:23:26,782
Aw, that's so sweet.
579
00:23:26,865 --> 00:23:28,408
Yeah. Absolutely.
580
00:23:28,492 --> 00:23:29,493
Jar.
581
00:23:29,576 --> 00:23:30,577
-Yeah.
-Jar.
41420
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