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SCHMALTZY MUSIC PLAYS
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00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:06,120
My mum wanted
that first Christmas without Dad
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00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:09,640
to be as warm and loving
as it ever was.
4
00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:12,680
Nan got the turkey off a man in a van
on Watford ring road,
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00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:16,120
who later got arrested
for smuggling coke
in their bum holes.
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00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:18,840
I can't believe we've still got
my S Club 7 bauble.
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00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:22,000
S Club 6, hon. You stamped all over
poor Paul, remember?
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00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:24,360
Well, he left the band
right at their peak.
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00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:27,320
Shannon, have people forgiven
S Club Jo
10
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,000
for the Celeb Big Brother stuff yet?
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00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:32,520
Erm, I'd say best to put her
round the back of the tree.
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00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:34,080
LOUD CRASH I want a foot spa.
13
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You've already got a foot spa.
14
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Nan, have I already got a foot spa?
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I doubt it.
Your feet are fucking filthy.
16
00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:44,280
Pegs, are my feet filthy?
No comment.
17
00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:45,960
SHE TUTS
18
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:47,816
What are you going to ask for
in your letter to Santa?
19
00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:50,600
Gel pens. Gel pens?
20
00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:54,440
Do you reckon one day
there might be a Santa out there
with a big sack for you, Pegs?
21
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:56,120
No, thank you, Shannon.
22
00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:58,760
Anyway, I don't like a big sack.
23
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,040
Laurie had quite small balls,
actually.
24
00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:03,720
Please don't! All the men
in our family have small balls.
25
00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:07,440
This was the start of me feeling
inadequate about my dick and balls.
26
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:14,560
Always choose your words wisely.
27
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:17,200
Nah, don't go for him.
Look, hairy nostrils.
28
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Think... Oh, I've got that jumper!
Tap him.
29
00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:21,280
..confident, OK?
30
00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:24,800
Remember...
My dick looks exactly like that.
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00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,720
Oh, my God!
I've got a dick-elganger.
32
00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:28,840
Your dick looks nothing like that.
Yeah, but...
33
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,880
Jack, you need to get off
all the gay hook-up apps
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00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:33,800
because I heard
they're being controlled
by the Chinese government.
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00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:36,320
I've only just got on them,
thank you, Corinne.
36
00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:39,160
Listen, if you trust
the Chinese Communist Party
then fine
37
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,800
but I think they're trying
to control the gays.
38
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,800
I think you're trying
to control the gays.
39
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:47,920
Our journalism lecturers were
all trendy Hackney creative types,
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00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,520
all in blue worker jackets
and all called...
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00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,120
Tim. Nice to meet you all.
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All right, everyone. I'm Tim.
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00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:57,640
Er, please - just call me Tim
because that is my name.
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00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,280
I fancied all of them
but especially this one.
45
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,080
Oh, he's so fit.
46
00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:05,200
You're such a dull gay. Sometimes
people don't want to know the truth.
47
00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:08,840
I found that while working on
the Steps-A1 sex controversy.
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00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:10,520
He's just a beard on legs.
49
00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:12,920
But for this week, you're welcome.
50
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:17,280
Now, before you all go,
we have a special presentation
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00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:19,200
because of sexual health awareness
week.
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00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:24,680
So please welcome Jules Handy
and her new assistant, Kelly.
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Whoo!
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00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:29,360
Come on, Jules.
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Whoo!
SHE SIGHS
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00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:35,240
Chlamydia.
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00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:36,800
Gonorrhoea.
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00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:40,200
Halitosis of the foreskin.
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00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:44,920
These are
all sexually transmitted infections
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00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:50,600
which an estimated one in four
of you first-years will catch.
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00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:54,160
Fingers crossed.
As we enter the festive season
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00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:57,880
and we'll all be bouncing
up and down on Santa's knee
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00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:01,800
we must consider
the importance of condoms
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00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:05,320
during all forms of sexual activity.
65
00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:07,480
Even blow jobs? Yes!
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00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,640
Ah, a little festive blowie's
all right, isn't it?
67
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,080
Right, Jack Rooke, I heard that.
Stop interrupting.
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00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:14,440
What? That's wasn't me!
Right, well, the joke's on you
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00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:17,136
because you've just volunteered
to help with my contraception drive.
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00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:22,440
I didn't bloody say anything!
Basically, that's where
you guys come in.
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00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:27,000
Because I want all Fashion, Arts
and Media students, my FAM,
72
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:30,080
to create
an innovative piece of work
73
00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,840
that's going to encourage students
to look after
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00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,680
their willies, fannies
and bum holes.
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00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:37,840
Then just before we leave
for Christmas
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00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:39,760
we'll have a big showcase
77
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:45,240
with one lucky winner nabbing
the grand prize of...
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00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:48,240
Hold them up.
Of four tickets to the,
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00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,640
erm, Reading festivals!
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00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:54,920
Oh, my God! Some of my happiest
memories are at Reading Festival.
81
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,160
I once threw a bottle of piss
at Lady Sovereign.
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00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,640
I thought you liked Lady Sovereign.
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Yeah, I do.
84
00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:05,200
Bye-bye.
85
00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,480
As soon as there was
a competition at our uni,
86
00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:09,640
all the art-school kids went
into overdrive,
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00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:13,760
desperate to show off and make
their most graphic work to date.
88
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:20,040
Ooh! What's the massive red fanny
about?
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00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:21,680
It's not a massive red fanny.
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00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:25,440
It's an engorged labia caused
by undetected trichomoniasis.
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00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:27,000
Yummy! Tell me more.
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00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:29,760
I'm using images
of infected genitals
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00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,920
to create a public information theme
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00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,600
encouraging democratisation
of knowledge about the body,
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00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:37,080
which is often skewed
through a male lens.
96
00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:40,240
Ugh! Sounds like porn for people who
need to slap on a bit of Sudocrem.
97
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,480
Have you got any STIs
so far this year? I wish.
98
00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:47,120
It's these antidepressants.
It's like I'm playing snooker
with a piece of string.
99
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:48,880
I've seen you out
with loads of girls.
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00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,760
Yeah, you love oral!
101
00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,560
Yeah. OK.
102
00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:56,880
Can I suck your cock? No, no.
103
00:04:56,920 --> 00:05:01,120
Oh! You're the cunnilingus guy
girls have been talking about.
104
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:02,480
All right.
105
00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,280
Most of them don't know your name,
so they just call you Head Boy.
106
00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:07,280
Oh, for fuck's sake!
107
00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:10,480
I don't want to be Head Boy!
I want to be Dick Man!
108
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,520
What is the point of being at uni
if you can't bang anyone?
109
00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:17,280
It's just an erection, Danny.
It is not just an erection.
110
00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,440
It's an M&S erection, all right?
I hate you.
111
00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:21,320
Well, that's my best feature.
Oh, my God.
112
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:24,160
Well, why don't you just ask your GP
if you can change your meds?
113
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:27,000
Not all of them lead to impotence.
All right! Inside voice.
114
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:30,800
Yeah, I know that. It's just...
Or you can go to the uni therapist.
115
00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:34,520
Drop in and explain
what's happening. Yeah,
I might give that a bash but...
116
00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:39,560
Just do it, Danny, because
your best feature is not your penis.
117
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:43,560
It's that
sometimes you are quite kind.
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00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,120
All right, soppy cow.
Oh, God. Fuck you.
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00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:54,760
Do you know, I didn't become
a people person overnight.
120
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:58,440
You know, it takes hard work.
OK, I need to go.
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00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:01,600
OK, erm, right. Here we go.
OK, you two stay here.
122
00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:04,000
I just need to send this parcel
back to Isis.
123
00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:06,320
ASOS. Oh, yeah.
124
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,120
Erm, OK, BRB.
125
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,640
Hi.
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00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:18,760
I've just restocked
the king size bucket.
127
00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:22,720
Everyone here must have
such a massive knob.
128
00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,320
Well, they're lying.
Why would anyone lie
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00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:28,840
when the sexual health of others is
at stake?
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00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,600
Yeah.
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00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:35,200
I wasn't getting laid
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00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:38,800
and the more I saw them dipping their
hand in the jar of giant johnnies,
133
00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:41,120
the more I was starting to worry
that I might have a...
134
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:45,400
Small Dick, come in.
Yemi, don't call me that.
135
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:48,320
Ain't nothing wrong with small.
Are you minted?
136
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:50,640
Yemi promised to help me
before his shift
137
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,520
as the local pub's bingo caller,
138
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:54,800
giving me a comprehensive masterclass
139
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:56,880
on how to take a good cock shot
for the apps.
140
00:06:56,920 --> 00:07:00,240
The trick is to light it
from behind,
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00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:03,680
then take it either from the base
to extend the visual of the shaft
142
00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:07,960
or from above, like 70 degrees,
to accentuate the bell.
143
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:11,320
All right. Now stay here,
watch some porn, take a dick pic
144
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,240
and text us the results.
145
00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:16,080
Oh, wait - can I make a latte?
146
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:17,320
No.
147
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:27,200
And so, as I was trying to take
some flattering pics of my dick,
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00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:30,400
you were busy trying to fix yours.
149
00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:39,040
Daniel. Welcome in.
150
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:42,360
You weren't...? Oh, no, no, no.
151
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,760
I was moving it back to "therapist".
152
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:48,640
I've told Jules I bloody hate
those magnets. Come on in.
153
00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:55,320
You all right? Well, apart
from the fact I'm getting old,
154
00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:58,000
getting divorced
and being chased for my TV licence,
155
00:07:58,040 --> 00:07:59,280
I'm absolutely fine.
156
00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:03,080
But I've noticed that you've booked
and cancelled sessions with me
quite a few times,
157
00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,880
so how can I help you?
158
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,600
OK, so, erm...
159
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:12,960
So I've been taking medication
for depression for a few months
160
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:19,000
and I'm finding that my pills are
stopping me from...
161
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:22,560
You know - getting the old...
162
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,400
Jehovah's stiffness.
163
00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:27,200
Jehovah's...?
I can't get a Kerry Katona.
164
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,840
A tent pole. Right.
165
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,280
OK. Got you.
166
00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:35,680
Yeah, so basically, I just want
to change my meds, you know,
167
00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:37,640
just so I can start
feeling myself again.
168
00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:39,280
Quite literally.
169
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,960
Right, OK.
Well, look, I'm not a doctor,
170
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,960
erm, but I do know
that typically it's not that simple.
171
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:48,480
Coming off medication does require
proper management... I know that.
172
00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:52,240
But I want to do it now cos I'm 25
173
00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:54,440
and I'm surrounded
by all these fit students
174
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:58,240
and my dick's not working because
I'm too busy trying to fix my brain.
175
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,720
Do you know what I mean? So,
I can't keep going down on girls.
176
00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:03,520
I'm getting lockjaw here.
It's like a flipping Greek tragedy.
177
00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:06,480
Right, OK. Erm, well, look,
I'm happy to talk about
178
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,240
any frustrations
you might be feeling
179
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:10,640
but you will need to talk to your GP
about your meds.
180
00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:13,200
It's going to be a gradual process
of lowering your dose...
181
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:16,680
THERAPIST'S VOICE FADES
..switching and then the prospect
of any new side effects...
182
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,600
HIGH–PITCHED TONE
183
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,760
Do you know what, mate? Er...
184
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:24,200
I actually don't want
to talk about this.
185
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:26,120
OK. Er, yeah.
186
00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,720
Sorry - no disrespect. I just erm...
187
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,320
I'm going to go. Are you sure?
188
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,320
Because I'm here to talk
these sort of things through, mate.
189
00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:35,440
Yeah. No, I am sure, yeah.
190
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,360
Sorry.
191
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,800
Ah, yes! Perfect.
192
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:47,200
Can I speak to you very quickly
about your sexual health?
193
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,440
GIRL: Yeah.
194
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:53,160
BOY: Yeah, so I lost my virginity
in fresher's week...
195
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:54,920
Hiya. All right?
196
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,680
Yeah.
197
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:01,880
I've been eating pineapple chunks.
198
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,600
Right. OK. That's good.
199
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,120
Mango.
200
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:09,640
Even Sharon fruit.
201
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,000
What the fuck's a Sharon fruit?
202
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:14,280
Well, it means
I taste really, really good,
203
00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:16,920
if you want to come sample later.
204
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,280
Ah!
205
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,080
OK. Er...
206
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:24,960
What's my name?
207
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,880
What? Lisa, tell me my name
208
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,240
and I'll eat your fruit salad.
209
00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:34,400
Oh, gosh.
210
00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:36,800
Is it Brendan? No, it's Danny.
211
00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:38,640
SHE SIGHS Fuck.
212
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:42,560
OK, this is great.
213
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,800
What are you smiling about?
Yemi's given me some pointers
214
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:49,120
and now I'm messaging Leo,
1.7km away.
215
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,160
He wants me to come round his
for fun.
216
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,440
Ooh! Nice.
217
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:56,680
I'm just nervous in case...
He turns out to be a murderer? No!
218
00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:58,960
I'm just a virgin.
Well, what would Yemi do?
219
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,800
He's strictly told me...
220
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:04,480
Ring the bell.
Put one hand on the door frame
and the other on your hip.
221
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,320
Kiss him
once the door's immediately shut
222
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,760
and straightaway ask,
"Where's the bathroom?"
223
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,520
Go upstairs and wash your willy
under the warm tap
224
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:14,360
and finally pop into his bedroom
to check for webcams.
225
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:18,040
Oh. OK, everybody, listen.
Eyes down!
226
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:22,640
Right, OK. I'm going to stand guard
outside the gaff.
227
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:25,200
If he's a weirdo,
just text me the safe word, OK,
228
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:26,880
and I'll introduce him to the twins.
229
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,320
Pow, pow.
230
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:31,560
It's elaborate but... Mate,
your safety is not elaborate to me.
231
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:34,080
All right? Now, just don't do
anything I wouldn't do.
232
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:37,040
I mean, I wouldn't shag a bloke
but you get what I mean.
233
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:38,520
Thanks, Danny.
234
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:41,440
What's the safe word? Er...
235
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:44,840
Tit wank? Help. Help. All right.
236
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,400
The safe word will be help.
237
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,280
You've got this. Yeah.
238
00:11:58,120 --> 00:11:59,960
This was it.
239
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:02,720
DOORBELL CHIMES
240
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:30,200
OK.
241
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:33,240
And...
242
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,400
Brill.
243
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,160
So, hello, Jake.
244
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:41,400
How are you? Yeah.
OLDER JACK: Don't correct him.
245
00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:43,720
I'm OK, thanks. Welcome, welcome.
246
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:45,400
Er, would you like a lovely lager?
247
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,680
Oh, I don't really drink beer.
248
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:49,080
Ha! Nor do I.
249
00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:53,080
I just bought them in case a lovely
lad like you might want a lager.
250
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:56,760
Nice house, Leo. Thanks.
251
00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,080
I live here with my wife... I.
252
00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:00,440
Wi-Fi.
253
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:05,000
It's very strong.
Would you like the password?
254
00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,840
I'm good. Erm...
255
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,000
Do you fancy a cheeky Slush Puppy?
256
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,120
Fuck.
257
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,240
Fucking creepy, man.
258
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,960
Oh, bugger. Leo was clearly
much older than his profile pic.
259
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,200
I started to worry
that his name wasn't Leo
260
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:46,880
because he wouldn't respond to it.
261
00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:51,200
That and all his post was addressed
to Mr Matthew Rawlinson.
262
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,720
I'm really sorry.
The DVD player's on the fritz.
263
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:59,040
Here, I tell you what. The DVD
player upstairs in the spare room
works very well indeed.
264
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:00,880
I've got Wankenstein.
265
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:02,120
DRAMATIC MUSIC
266
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,240
Are you having a nice time?
OLDER JACK: No.
267
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:12,600
Yip.
268
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:16,520
My mother used to stay in this room
when she came to visit. Lovely.
269
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:19,400
Yeah. She died last year.
270
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,520
I'm sorry to hear that. Thank you.
271
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:23,200
Well, you can tell her yourself.
272
00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:24,440
LEO LAUGHS
273
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:28,200
Yeah. She died in this room,
peacefully in her sleep,
274
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,160
after watching a repeat
of Come Dine With Me.
275
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,680
There's worse ways to go.
Oh, God, yeah.
276
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:38,480
Would you like to come dine on me?
277
00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:40,200
Er, I've already eaten.
278
00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:41,520
Oh, you greedy boy.
279
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:44,040
Shall I get out my willy-winkle now?
280
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,360
I'm not sure that's necessary.
281
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,480
Oh, come on.
I'll get my trousers off.
282
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:50,000
I guess it is quite hot.
Yes, it is hot.
283
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:53,520
It is. Like a curry.
Well, I wasn't thinking...
284
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:57,000
A curry? I was. Oh, I love a bhuna.
285
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:00,760
A lamb bhuna.
286
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,080
Erm...
287
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:04,800
Oh, God. Erm...
It's really warm in here.
288
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:06,400
Is it all right
if I open this window?
289
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,840
It's a bit stiff, Jake, like me.
290
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:14,880
Fuck knows what I was thinking
but you weren't coming
291
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:18,040
and as I was assessing the height
of jumping, all of a sudden...
292
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,480
DOORBELL Mum!
293
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,640
I'll just see who that is.
294
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,840
She's all over my willy!
295
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,400
Whaa!
296
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:38,840
DOORBELL CHIMES, KNOCKING AT DOOR
297
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,200
Run!
298
00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:45,160
LEO CRYING
299
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:46,560
Run!
300
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,680
First I whipped out
your septum piercing,
301
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:57,120
then I nearly died drinking poppers
302
00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:02,440
and yesterday I spilled someone's
mum's ashes all over their knob.
303
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:05,280
Honestly, mate.
I think it's just hard being gay.
304
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:06,720
DOOR OPENING
305
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,960
I think you're accident prone.
Are you sure
you're not just dyspraxic?
306
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:11,520
Sorry. Where did Corinne come from?
307
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:14,520
Yemi texted.
He said that you needed cheering up
308
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,840
because your hook-up turned out
to be a really old man.
309
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:18,040
Ugh! Danny! He was!
310
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,496
You need to lose your virginity
soon, otherwise it's just going
to get in the way of your studies.
311
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:24,040
Just do what I did - lose it
with your driving instructor.
312
00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:26,600
Distraction out the way.
But I'm not learning to drive.
313
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,200
Gays can't drive.
We were born to be driven.
314
00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:30,800
Right.
315
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:32,880
Well, that's what I tell my mum
in the Peugeot.
316
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:38,440
Come on.
317
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:41,400
What did the therapist say?
Er, yeah, yeah. All good.
318
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,800
I'm going to go home for Christmas,
so I'll just talk to my GP. Yeah?
319
00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:47,360
That's great. It was easy. Yeah.
320
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,800
Ladies and gentlemen,
mesdames et messieurs,
321
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,360
please give
a warm, end-of-term welcome
322
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:57,800
to your host for this evening.
323
00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:01,600
Yes, that's right.
It's your very own Jules Handy,
324
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:06,920
head of Student Union
and Welfare Services!
325
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,280
APPLAUSE
326
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:15,960
That's lovely.
Lovely round of applause. Thank you.
327
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,000
Now that we've all reached
the climax
328
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,400
of sexual health awareness week,
329
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,920
it's now time to see
the competition entries
330
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:27,720
for Fashion, Arts and Media.
331
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:32,040
Hit it!
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
332
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:38,080
Are those condoms? Yes, they are.
333
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:40,480
There's a bit of a smell to them,
so...
334
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:43,240
Sort of latex,
sort of musky, sort of...
335
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:45,520
How did you, er, stretch them out?
336
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:48,720
The gown was made 100% organically.
337
00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:51,560
Yeuch! Ugh! It's quite unpleasant.
338
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,240
WOMAN: We gathered student samples
339
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,920
to create
this gorgeous spiral of yellow.
340
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,360
Is that real piss? Yes.
341
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,440
Why are all the entries
so disgusting?
342
00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:03,960
So let's start at the top.
343
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,160
Up here, as you can see, is
a photo of a prolapsed anus.
344
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,240
No!
345
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:13,800
No way! Thank you.
346
00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:17,480
Wow! Wow-ee, actually.
347
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:23,560
Oh, right. We've only got one entry
left, actually, from Journalism
348
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:26,880
and it's
an anonymously written article
349
00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:32,360
entitled "Why the best contraception
is antidepressants."
350
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,280
Oh.
351
00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:36,080
OK.
352
00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:39,480
"Everyone comes to uni
to reinvent themselves.
353
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:44,880
"Very quickly people realise
their talents, their weaknesses
354
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,680
"or even their true sexuality
355
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:49,840
"and that's why I realised..."
SHE FADES
356
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:55,360
SHE SOBS
"It doesn't matter
how hard your dick is.
357
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:59,240
"It matters how kind you are
inside."
358
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:00,800
Sorry.
359
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:05,000
If you wrote that,
I hope you're proud of yourself
360
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:06,400
because you've made me cry.
361
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:09,480
Do email me afterwards
at the university address
because guess what else?
362
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:12,880
Congratulations - you've won four
tickets to the Reading Festival.
363
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,120
APPLAUSE
364
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:19,840
Jack, could you play some music cos
I need to have a really good cry?
365
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,440
MUSIC: Christmas Wrapping
by The Waitresses
366
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:25,440
Does Jack know?
367
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:26,960
No.
368
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,720
So, as we broke up for Christmas,
I went straight back home,
369
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:38,080
whereas you left going back
to your nan's as late as you could.
370
00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:39,680
Hello, hello!
371
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:42,640
Oh, hello, hello!
372
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:43,840
Ah, there she is. Ah!
373
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:45,720
Mm! Mm! Mwah.
374
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:47,760
Oh! Ah!
375
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,760
How are you, trouble? Yeah, I'm...
376
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:56,080
Are you excited
for a Nigella Lawson Christmas?
377
00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:57,920
Ooh! Is she coming?
378
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:01,800
No, Nan. I mean...
I know, you silly sod.
379
00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:03,360
I might have Alzheimer's
380
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,360
but I know Nigella would never
lower herself to these parts.
381
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:07,640
Well, I don't know about that.
382
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,960
She loves a midnight pig-out,
doesn't she?
383
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,640
I reckon she's a right dirty cow.
384
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,240
Ooh!
NAN CHUCKLES
385
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,440
So, just us two this year.
386
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:18,440
Well, your dad'll come.
387
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,520
Oh. OK.
388
00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:25,040
Just both of you behave.
389
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:26,800
Mm.
390
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,680
Right. I'd better get prepping us
a little feast.
391
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,720
OK?
392
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,400
Me and you are going to tie one on
tonight, Nan.
393
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:35,800
NAN LAUGHS
394
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,520
Merry Christmas, Laurie.
395
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:44,000
Merry Christmas, Laurie.
Merry Christmas, Laurie.
Merry Christmas, Dad.
396
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:48,760
Can I have Uncle Laurie's
Aunt Bessie? Oh, go on.
397
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:50,520
He'd want you to have it.
398
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,160
Do you think you'll ever
start dating again, Pegs?
399
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,800
What a question for Christmas Day!
400
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,160
You know Nan's neighbour,
the builder, David Morgan?
401
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:01,320
He's single. Wife's divorced him
for an Eastern European businessman.
402
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:03,280
Not that there's anything
wrong with that
403
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:05,360
but he does have a Jaguar.
Five-door. X-Type.
404
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:08,360
Heated leather seats.
He's also got bigger tits than me
405
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,800
and he shares those Britain First
posts on Facebook.
406
00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:12,120
No.
407
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,640
Now, eat.
408
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:18,360
And that's my mate Jack.
409
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,880
Ooh, I'd kill for his perm.
410
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:23,200
That's Yemi.
What's he wearing?
411
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,200
That's a harness, Nan. Yeah.
412
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,680
Sort of like a gay thing.
413
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:31,880
I'd love a gay friend. Yeah.
I do enjoy Christopher Biggins.
414
00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:33,480
Ah. At least someone does.
415
00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:35,800
Right.
So what time's Dad getting here?
416
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:38,520
Oh, is he coming?
417
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,760
You said he was yesterday.
418
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,160
Oh.
419
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:45,920
Did I?
420
00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:51,400
Well, I don't know. OK.
421
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:54,000
Let's open a present each, shall we?
422
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:58,480
I'm ever so sorry
but I ain't got you anything.
423
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:01,240
I've not been out, love.
Don't be silly, Nan, all right?
424
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:04,840
Seeing you well - that's my present.
425
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,400
Dan, my darling.
426
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,600
I'm not well
427
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:13,240
and I think it's time
we had that chat.
428
00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:19,280
OK. So let's do a pressie. OK?
That one's yours.
429
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,800
I've got this one from Jack to do,
OK?
430
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:36,600
It's lovely! What did you get?
431
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:41,400
Er, I think it's a Sharon fruit.
432
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:45,600
I left your gift till last
that Christmas,
433
00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:49,120
opening it solo in case
it was poppers or a pube trimmer
434
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:52,880
but it was the moment I realised
you wrote that article
435
00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:55,880
and you'd been keeping
your meds a secret
436
00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:59,200
and I just wanted to give you
a big hug.
437
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,080
MUSIC: The Days by Patrick Wolf
438
00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:02,120
♪ The days... ♪
439
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,120
MOBILE ALERT
440
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,120
♪ Passing days
441
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:24,920
♪ I see the steeple
442
00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:30,360
♪ And trace to the spire
443
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:36,840
♪ And the sunset
444
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:39,720
♪ Deep in regret
445
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:43,720
♪ Phoenix in final fire
446
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:49,360
♪ And the time stops
447
00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:54,960
♪ Rush hour traffic slows... ♪
448
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,320
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
34519
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