All language subtitles for Ted.S01E06.720p.WEBRip.x265-PROTON

[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]

* *

- * My words are lazy *

* My thoughts are hazy *

* But this is one thing
I'm sure of *

* Everybody needs
a best friend *

* I'm happy I'm yours *

[bright music]

* *

- B7.

- Miss.
- Again?

- Yup.
- Jesus, that's eight misses.

- Yes, it is.

- Did you put your ships in?

- No, I did not.

- What the fuck, dude?

- While you were militarizing,

I allocated my funds
toward infrastructure--

roads and bridges,
schools and hospitals, John.

The needs of my people.

- That's not
how the game works.

- It's not a game,
you son of a bitch!

- Jesus, OK.

- Sorry, I think I've been
watching too much "M.A.S.H."

- Boys, come upstairs.

It's cookie-frosting time.

- [sighs]
We gonna do this?

- Lori Loughlin's
on "Oprah" at 3:00,

so I was gonna jerk off.

But I guess I can tape it.

- You're a good son.

[timer dings]

* *

Oh, hey, Sarah.

- Hey, Ted.

- How's the pot business?

- The...crock pot business

is doing just fine, thanks.

- Sarah, I don't think
you've met my cousin John.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Sarah's Blaire's friend
from college.

Her trip to California
was canceled,

so she's staying with us
for Christmas.

She's...
[with Indian accent] Indian.

- Aunt Suze, you--

you don't have to say that.

- [normally]
Oh, I don't mind.

Sarah shouldn't have
to tell people she's Indian.

- Thank you.

- Aren't you glad
you stayed for this?

- Mm.
- OK, tools...

- Oh, thank you.

- For my little
assistants here.

- Do you want to make
the colostomy bag joke,

or should I?

- Well, Sarah is the guest.

Sarah, would you like to make
the colostomy bag joke?

- I'm all good.
Thanks.

- Johnny, I need you outside.

There's a raccoon frozen in
the ice next to the driveway.

I got to chip him out of there.

- Well, what do you
need me for?

- Need you to bag up the pieces
for the homeless.

- Wait, do you only give stuff
to the homeless

when you don't want
to go to the dump?

- Matty, honey, this is Sarah,

Blaire's Indian friend.

- Aunt Suze, you really
don't have to add that.

- I had Indian food once.

Blew right through me.

- I'll pass that on
up the ladder.

- Do what you want to do.

I'm just telling you
what happened.

All right, John, let's go.

- Well, actually, I'm helping
Mom frost the cookies.

- Well, you can do that later.

- She asked him first, Matty.

You can wait your turn.

- Are you kidding me?

Jesus Christ,
when I was your age,

I would have killed
to shovel ice with my dad.

- Yeah, I can see
how chopping up a dead raccoon

would be a father-son
memory maker.

- So you're not gonna help?

- Well, I got a lot
of cookies to frost, Dad.

- [scoffs]
Spoken like a real man.

- Which means what?

- No, no, no, no, it's fine.
You know what?

Stay here and frost
your cookies with the ladies.

Maybe we can go see
a Broadway show after.

- Oh, Matty, could we?

- So your implication
is that John is, what, gay

because he's frosting cookies?

- Susan, help me out here.

- Look at that.

- Is that an elf
with his big candy cane?

- No, it's a barber pole.
The elf just got a haircut.

- Oh, I love it.

Oh, Matty, come look
at the elf's haircut.

- Fuck, Jesus Christ!

You know, when I was just
a little bit older than you,

I was in Vietnam.

Did I ever tell you
about the time

I thought I saw
a clown in a field

but it was just
an inside-out guy?

Know what?
Forget it.

Frost your gay cookies.

- Did he just call you gay

and then angrily toss
his scarf over his shoulder?

- Yup.

- Maybe he's still
figuring shit out.

- Well, it is always
the homophobes.

- You know, I never
understood that word.

- What word?
- "Homophobe."

- It's prejudice
against gay people.

- Yeah, but, like,
shouldn't it mean,

like, scared of gay people?

- Yeah, I've always
wondered that too.

Like, every other phobe
is, like, scared.

- That is
what "homophobe" means.

- No, no, but it's--
it is different, right?

Like, in "Arachnophobia,"
Jeff Daniels

is scared of spiders
because he thinks

they're gonna, like,
hurt him

or, like, kill him
or something.

- Yeah, it's not like,
oh, I'm scared of spiders

'cause I think they're
gonna make me a spider

or they're gonna
take over the school

and teach spider stuff.

- Stop talking.
- I mean, if I was a homophobe,

wouldn't I see a gay guy
and be like, aah, a gay guy!

Run!

- Is the bear always like this?

- I'm so sorry.

- [breathing heavily]

Whew!

Didn't even run that far.
[chuckles]

[panting]
So...Bollywood,

is that you guys?

* *

- Come on, Matty,
we're gonna be late for church.

- No, I'm taking the week off.

Pats are playing Buffalo.

- But it's the last Sunday
service before Christmas Eve.

And Father Odell
says that if you don't

cultivate a relationship
with God,

you're going to hell.

- Can't be worse
than one of his sermons.

- Well, if he's that boring,

then why is the Boston Globe
Spotlight Team

doing a big story on him?

- Matty, Susan
has a choir solo today.

- I'll be at the next one,
all right? I promise.

- Jesus,
it's 45 fucking minutes.

You can't do this for her?

- Oh, it's all right.

He works hard all week.

If he wants to rest
on a Sunday, let him rest.

It's what the Lord did.

- No, it's not
all right, though.

He's acting like
a selfish jerk.

- I'm selfish?

Wait a minute.

I work 60 hours a week

so that you guys
can have a fridge

full of Eggos and Fanta.

- He's right.

We do take the Fanta
for granted.

- Here you go, Mom.
- Oh, thank you, sweetie.

- Yeah.
- Hey, what's that?

- Oh, it's the toys for
the Toys for Tots gift drive.

- That's Dennis the dump truck.

- Uh-huh.

- You can't give him away.

- Well, it's been
in our basement for years.

- Yeah, but I've had him
since I was a kid.

That means a lot to me.

- You named
your dump truck Dennis?

- Keep my truck's name
out your mouth.

- Oh, honey,
but you never play with it.

- Well--well, I'm gonna--

I'm gonna start
playing with him.

- Oh, you're gonna start
playing with it now

at fucking 50?

- Yes, I'm gonna--

I'm gonna start
playing with him all the time.

Starting right now. See?

Vroom, vroom.

Oh, yeah, we'll deliver
that peat moss.

Yeah, we will.
Vroom.

- Hey, that looks fun.
- Yeah, can we play?

- No.
- Aw.

- Vroom, vroom.

- What the fuck is happening?

- Vroom.

Why are you still here?

- Her flight was canceled,

so she's staying with us
for Christmas.

- Hang on a second.

We got company here
for the whole holidays

and nobody even asked me?

- I can find somewhere else
to stay if it's a problem.

- No.
Please, no.

- No.
Absolutely not.

- Susan said it's fine.
Don't worry about him.

- What, I don't get a say
in my own house?

- Oh, Matty,
I think you're being

a little silly about this.

- Nobody ever takes my side
in this house ever!

It's always me
against everybody else.

- Well, maybe somebody
would take your side

if you weren't always
spreading your shitty mood

all over the house.
- Fine!

Your friend can stay
for the week.

Go have fun at church.
See? I'm nice.

- Thank you so much,
Mr. Scrooge.

And God bless us, every one.

- Well, at least Scrooge
was a good businessman.

- Yeah, and Tiny Tim's
condition was preexisting.

Scrooge shouldn't have
to cover it.

- Exactly!
- Can I play with the truck?

- No.
- Aw.

["Silent Night" playing
on organ]

* *

- * Silent night *

* Holy night *

* All is calm *

* All is bright *

- * Round yon virgin *

* Mother and child *

* Holy infant *

* So tender and mild *

- Wait, who describes
an infant as mild?

- Yeah, I'm more
hung up on tender.

- Yeah, somebody's
eating this baby.

- * Peace *

* Sleep in heavenly *

* Peace *

- Thank you to the choir

and to Susan Bennett
for that wonderful solo.

- Where's Matty?

- Oh, he wasn't
feeling well today.

- It's important
that we remember just why

we celebrate Christmas.

We observe
the holiest of all days

to rejoice in the glory
of the birth of Jesus Christ,

born not from the seed of man

but from divine origin.

Never before or since
have we, God's children,

been blessed by such a miracle.

- Excuse me.

Yeah, over here.

Hi.
Ted, local bear.

You're talking
about a guy who came alive

out of nowhere, right?

- Yes.

- Yeah, me.

- I'm sorry?

- I'm just saying,
he's not the only one.

- I don't think
that's the same thing.

- Well, you said,
never before or since.

But...[chuckles]
You know, this guy.

- The birth of Christ
was a heavenly miracle.

- I mean,
what do you call this?

I mean, I don't see
any Pound Puppies

or Monchhichis walking around.

- Christ's birth
was clearly ordained by God,

marked by the star
of Bethlehem,

a miraculous beacon
from the heavens.

- There was a star there.
- There was a star, right?

- Yeah, no,
it was a shooting star.

- I had a star.
- Yeah.

- Jesus had a divine purpose.

God sent him to us to spread
the word that He loves us.

- I love you.

- Your move, Friar Tuck.

- I just want
to finish the sermon.

- I'm just saying,
I might be Jesus.

Might.
I'm not saying for sure.

I'm just saying
it's a possibility.

I might be Jesus.

- That is incredibly
disrespectful.

- Says the guy eating babies.

- So third and 10.

There he goes.

[crowd yelling]

[whistle blows]

- Fucking Patriots!

You see that, Dennis?

[groans]

Why couldn't I have been born
in Buffalo?

I'd be winning every year.

God!
Buffalo has it all.

- Let's leave something
special for Santa this year:

Jell-O Pudding Pops!

children: Yay!

- Santa's gonna love it.

Happy holidays
from Jell-O Pudding Pops!

[TV clicks off]

- Bet Bill Cosby's having
a good Christmas.

Bet he doesn't have to deal
with a bunch of women

telling him he's a jerk.

You know, used to be, the man
of the house said his piece,

everybody just fell in line.

Now it's like fucking
"Jerry Springer" in here.

Bet if you could talk,
you'd take my side.

Have another beer, Matty.
You've earned it.

Ah, well, thanks, Dennis.

I think I will.

And--and--and take
your socks off, Matty.

I don't mind the smell
of your feet

because I know that's not
something you can control.

Well, I appreciate that,
Dennis.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Hey, Matty.
Yeah?

Shouldn't there be
a White History Month too?

Well, Dennis,
you said it, not me.

[bright music]

* *

Ah!

That was a hell of a floss.

Nothing feels better
than getting stuff

out of places, right?

Let me know when you want
to take a run

at that ingrown hair
on my neck.

Am I still getting
the silent treatment?

Look, I already said
I'm sorry I missed your solo.

You know I can't sit on wood.

It aggravates my hemorrhoids.

Oh, so my hemorrhoids are
my fault, too, I guess, huh?

It ain't the post office
down there, Susan.

This stuff doesn't just
show up on its own.

There's effort involved.

Might get one of those--
one of those doughnut pillows.

No.
You know what?

You don't get to hear about it.

[whimsical music]

* *

[sighs]

* *

[dramatic music]

* *

[birds chirping]

* *

[grunts]

- Hey!

You wished me to life,
fuck face!

[bright music]

* *

- How the hell
did this happen?

- Just like it happened
with Ted.

I was looking out the window.

Shooting star flies by.

I made a wish.

- And here I am.

- Is this house cursed?

- Hey, Susan,
can I smoke in here?

- If he smokes, I get to smoke.

- I'm sorry, Dennis,
if I let you smoke,

I'll have to let
all the toys smoke.

- Yeah, fuck.

- Hey, can I ask you something?

How did it feel for you?

- Yeah, one minute, nothing.

The next, I can talk.

- Was there a feeling
like acid reflux,

like, right after?

- Oh, yeah, bad.

It also felt like I had to pee,
but I couldn't.

- Yup.
Same here.

Must be what happens
when toys come to life.

- So you just wished
for your truck to come alive?

- Not exactly.

I wished there was someone
in the house

who'd back me up
in an argument.

- Next thing I know,
I could move

and I hated
the fucking Yankees.

- Well, I guess
it's a Christmas miracle.

- So, like,
were there murders here?

Like, was a grave desecrated?

- Jesus Christ, look at this.
Look at this.

They're giving free visas
to tech workers.

- Oh, fucking A.
They're coming.

- Who?
- Immigrants.

- Oh, for fuck's sake.
Really? Him too?

- Yeah, those
affirmative action bozos

are probably jumping for joy.

- No shit, watching them take
all the goddamn jobs.

- You do know
affirmative action

isn't about taking things
away, right?

It's about including people

who've been
discriminated against.

- Oh, come on!

- Oh, here we go again
with this again.

- What a bunch of bullshit.

- So you're saying
we should give people jobs

based on the color
of their skin.

- I'm saying that things
have been unequal for centuries

and we should balance
the scales.

So yeah.

- OK, see, now, that's racist.

- You're the one
who's defending

a white-dominated workforce.

- Hey, I don't care
if they're purple,

green, or orange, all right?

I just don't want them
Black, brown, or yellow.

- Oh, my God, dude, really?
- Whoa, Jesus, dude.

- Come on, it's a fucking joke.
Relax.

- OK, look,
brown person over here.

Just FYI, my parents
moved here from India,

and they built
a very successful business

all on their own.

And they had to work
twice as hard to do it.

- Business owners.
All right. OK.

Your parents vote
for Clinton or Bush?

- Well, I mean,
they voted for Bush, but I--

- Holy shit!
- Ah, see, there it is.

There it is.
- Check-fucking-mate! See?

This is why Dennis.

This is why Dennis!

- But I voted for Clinton.

- You know what this is?
Fucking Republicans.

I swear to God,
all you guys care about

is winning the argument.

You don't care about
actual change or justice.

It's all about feeling
fake smart

for, like, two seconds.

Let me ask you this.

What about the world
beyond you?

What about other people
and their needs?

- Jesus, what are you
getting all mad about?

You got two broads
on the Supreme Court now.

You're winning.
- Yeah, there you go, right?

- Two out of nine
is pretty darn good.

- OK. You know what?

I am used to taking
this crap from Matty,

but I'm not gonna take it
from some random piece of shit

that just came to life.

No offense, Ted.
- All good.

- Come on.
Let's go.

- So we just don't care
that I'm Jesus, huh?

- Mm.
- Oh, my God.

- Hi.

I was just checking to see
if you're OK after--

Well, it looks like you're OK.

- Wait, wait, Aunt Suze.

There's something
you should know.

- What?

- Me and Sarah are--

- We're a couple, like, dating.
- Yeah.

- No.

both: Yeah.
- No.

You're just very good friends.

- No.
- No, that's not--

what you just saw--

- What I saw

was you expressing
your good friendship,

just like the girls
on the tennis team

used to do
when I was in school.

- You know what?

Maybe you're right.

Maybe that's for the best.

We're just...
really good friends.

- [chuckles]
Wait. What?

- Sarah, people in this house
think Liberace

just had a lot
of personality, OK?

I think good friends
is as far as they're gonna go.

- Gosh, that Liberace sure was
full of spunk, wasn't he?

- Blaire, no, OK?

I'm tired of this.

We keep hiding it
everywhere we go.

- I know.
- It's bullshit.

- OK, well, you think
my uncle's gonna be cool

with this?
- Oh, come on.

- Especially
with Dennis around?

- Who gives a fuck
what he thinks?

And why should I care
what a fucking toy dump truck

thinks about my sexuality?

- There's a sentence
you don't hear every day.

- Wouldn't it be easier
to just tell them

we're more than good friends?

- I really think
that if we just take a minute,

we'd be saving ourselves
a lot of stress,

all right,
at least till after Christmas.

- We have very little going on
January 3rd.

- Great.

Yeah, that works.

- All right.
- Thank you, Suze.

- January 3rd,
put it on the calendar.

- [sighs]

Oh, my God, did I tell you
somebody broke into my car

and whacked off
on the dashboard?

- Yes, like, 50 fucking times.

- Right.
Fuck, Sarah, it's the holidays.

Can we not turn on each other?

- Fine.
Let me braid your hair.

- Thank you.

- OK, we can't read
this whole thing.

- Well, if we're gonna figure
out if I'm actually Jesus,

we at least got to skim it.

- I have never
seen pages so thin.

- I know.

It's like Kleenex
with boring stories on it.

- You know, I was thinking.

How do we know
that Dennis isn't Jesus?

- Johnny, Jesus walked
on water, all right?

Walked!

That means he had feet,
not wheels.

- Yeah, that makes sense.

- Oh, wait, hang on.
Stop right there.

Look, look, look.

Matthew 21:31,

"Truly I say to you,

"the tax collectors
and prostitutes

go into the kingdom of heaven
before you."

Look at that.

Jesus hangs out with hookers.

- Yeah, and he says
there's hookers in heaven too.

He sounds a lot like you.

- Oh, yeah, heaven is probably
mostly hookers.

- Wait, so you're paying
for sex in heaven?

- You're not paying them
for sex.

You're paying them to fly away.

- Oh.

Let's see.

"And behold, I come quickly,

and my reward
is with me to give"--

- What was that first part?

- "Behold, I come quickly."

- Jesus said that?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, that's not the kind of
thing I'd start with "behold."

What else?

Well, look, look, look.
Right there. Right there.

John the apostle.

Jesus had an apostle
named John.

- Holy shit.

Those were, like,
his buddies, right?

- Yeah, yeah, there was
Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey,

Johnny, Blitzen,

and Larry, Darryl, and Darryl.

There's no doubt anymore.

I'm the Lord Jesus Christ.

- Holy shit.

Does this mean you have,
like, powers and stuff?

- Yeah, but I probably
got to learn how to use them.

Flip to the spells.

- OK, spells, spells, spells.
- Spells, spells, spells.

Wonder what my alignment is.

- Chaotic good.
- Ah, yeah, yeah.

Good, but, like,
you know, I might

fuck around a little bit.
- Yeah.

- Shit, we supposed
to have dice?

[light music]

* *

- Hey, Matty, a Jew,
a Polack,

and a Black guy
walk into a bar--

- Oh, my fucking God. Really?
- Wow.

- Hey, watch the language.

- Tell your stupid truck that.

He's telling racist jokes.

- I'm not racist.

The punch line wasn't gonna be
about the Black guy.

It was gonna be
about the Jew...

and, to a lesser extent,
about the Polack

and a little bit
about the Black guy's penis.

- See?
- The point is,

none of them knew how deep
the water was.

Ow! Hey!
This is assault!

I'm being assaulted here!

So much
for the nonviolent left.

- It's Christmas Eve.

Can't we just have
a nice dinner together?

- Yes, we can.

It's a beautiful ham,
Aunt Susan.

- Thank you.

- Yeah, everything looks
really great.

- Thank you, girls.
Thank you.

- You want some of this?
- Yes, please.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!

- What? What? What?

- It's Christmas Eve.

We got to say grace,
thank the Lord.

- You're welcome.
- [sighs] Fine.

- Dennis, would you like
to do the honors?

- Absolutely.
Bow your heads.

- Dear Lord...
- Yes.

- Thank you for this food...
- No problem.

- And for these blessings...
- Anytime.

- Make us thankful.
- On it.

- And may we serve you--
- Mashed potatoes.

- What the fuck?
You want to say grace?

- Nah, I'd feel
like an asshole.

- Amen.

Oh, that was
just beautiful, Dennis.

- Now you can eat.

- Oh, yeah, thank you so much
for your permission.

- Hey, you know,
I hope the PC thought police

over at that college
don't kick you out

for praying to Jesus.

- You know,
70% of the world

doesn't even believe
in Jesus.

- I'll get them.
- Yeah, those are

all the starving countries
with no food.

- Oh, so God loves Americans
more, is that the theory?

- Yeah, not for long
if Slick Willy

fucks things up by putting gays
in the military.

For God's sake,
what would Reagan say?

- [scoffs] Right now?

Probably something
about choo-choo trains.

- Would anyone like
some mushroom caps?

- Uncle Matty, do you agree
with Dennis

that gay people
shouldn't serve?

- I think it's a bad idea.

- Why?

- You want to put a gay guy

in a barracks
with 20 regular guys?

What happens
when they all got to shower?

- I don't know, Matty.
What happens?

- Plus, the Bible says

no butt stuff,
or you go to hell.

- Hey, where's
the spell section?

- So it's immoral too?

Gay people
should all go to hell,

that's what you think?

- Listen, I don't care!

Anybody can stick anything
anywhere they want,

as long as it's not in the army
and not in my house.

- Well, then I guess Sarah
and I aren't welcome here.

- What do you mean?

- Sarah and I are a couple.

- Called it, Johnny.
- Motherfucker.

- Blaire, I thought we were
gonna do this on January 3rd.

- Wait a minute.

You--the two of you?

- Oh, my God.
- Mm.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!

- What the fuck is this?

- What are you
gonna do about it?

- You're gay?

- Fluid.
- What the hell does that mean?

- It means that I'm attracted
to personalities

regardless of their gender.

- Oh, Jesus Christ.

- You're attracted
to personalities,

and you picked her?

- Hey!
- Oh, fuck you.

You've met six people.

- It's that college.

- It's that college!
- Oh, my God.

- Susan, what am I
always saying?

- College turns people gay.

- College
turns people gay.

Absolutely right!

Out there on the lawn
every weekend,

tossing the Frisbee around.

- How the fuck is Frisbee gay?

- It's a sport
where nobody wins.

- It's only about the fun.

- So what?

- And what's this?

What's this, doing this
all the time, huh?

That's not a man's sport.

- You might as well
be on a balcony

waving goodbye to your lover.

- Making those clap catches,

like you're front row
at Elton John.

- Oh, the clap catch.

- Yeah, clap catching
your Wham-O Frisbee.

- You know
why it's called Wham-O?

You turn around,
you bend over to pick up

up your Frisbee,
and wham-o!

- Oh, you know what?

You wish you were a Frisbee,
you little shit.

And I'm so sorry
that our sexual orientation

is so offensive to everyone.

Merry fucking Christmas.

Come on, Sarah.

- Blaire.

Blaire, honey, wait.

- Thank you.

- Matty, please
apologize to her.

- Me?
- Yes, you.

- She should be
apologizing to God.

- Oh, he says it's fine.
No worries.

- But it's the holidays.

- I'm not gonna
apologize to her!

She just made a spectacle
in front of the entire family

and in front of the ham!

- Well, you know what?

This is my ham, and you're not
having a piece of the ham

until you say you're sorry.

- You know what?
I don't need any ham!

I got all the Slim Jims I need
in the basement!

Come on, Dennis.
- Good call, Buddy.

- All I wanted
was a nice Christmas.

- OK, what do you say we try
one of them spells, huh?

Water into wine, here we go.

Meka leka hi,
meka hiney ho.

Meka leka hi,
meka chiney ho.

All right, try it.

- Still water.
- Fuck!

Oh, you know what?

It's 'cause
we don't have the wand.

[soft music]

* *

[knock at door]
- [sighs]

What?

- Hey, we brought you
some ham

in case you're still hungry.

- Where is it?
- Oh.

- Yeah, it's touching
a five, so...

- Oh, look at that.

- [grunts]
What do you guys want?

- We just wanted
to see how you're doing.

- Shitty.
- Wait, you're leaving?

- Yeah, I thought
I'd go somewhere

a little more tolerant,

like Iran.

- Listen, Blaire,

we just wanted to say,
you know,

Teddy and I are totally cool
with you being--

you know, just in case
you were wondering.

- I don't need your approval.

- No.
Yeah, I know that, but--

- No, I--sorry,
I get what you meant.

Thanks.
- Cool.

I mean, we love lesbians.

- Yeah, like, a lot.

Like, we found some magazines
in the woods--

- I get it.

- Question--and I hope
I'm not out of line here--

but is it 'cause--

I mean, did you get a bad dick?

- Yeah, that's not
how it works.

Look, I'm not 100%
one way or the other.

I just--I'm attracted
to who I'm attracted to.

Also, I got a bad dick.
[laughter]

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, that's awesome.

That's awesome.
- Ah, no.

That's just a comedy freebie
for you guys.

It's bullshit, all right?
- Thank you.

Thank you
for the Christmas dick joke.

- [groans]

Shit.

I mean, how the fuck
am I supposed to share a house

with somebody
who treats me like

I have some fucking disease?

Guess there's no chance
he's gonna apologize.

- You know, if I can offer

a bit of Christly wisdom,
Blaire?

You're smarter than he is,

so you might have
to go talk to him.

- Oh, fuck that.

I am not extending
an olive branch to somebody

who's against basic equality.

- Well, that's
the thing, Blaire.

I don't think he's really
even against anything.

Think he just didn't want
to look stupid

in front of his truck.

- [scoffs]
Listen to yourself!

- OK, then don't do it for Dad.

Do it for Mom.

Look, she's really
bummed out right now,

and it's all just 'cause
Christmas is messed up.

Look, I know
it's gonna suck, but--

- But it's like I say
in the book of Romulans:

turn the other cheek.

Do unto others.

Say it, don't spray it.

I'll have what she's having.

- You're an idiot.

- Oh, what do we say
to that, Apostle?

- Four hell points.
- Four hell points.

- What the fuck
is a hell point?

- It's how I determine which
of my children, who I love,

will be tortured forever.

- Oh, God.

Ugh, all right,
all right, I'll--

I'll talk to him.

- Usually a day or two
in traction--

- Now, wait a minute, Frank,
I'm the doctor here.

- I thought
I was the doctor here.

- Actually,
we're all doctors here.

Even the patient's
a doctor here.

- Hear, hear.

- Will you clowns
act like professionals?

- All right, I got one for you.

So an airplane's
about to crash, right?

A woman stands up, takes off
her clothes, and yells,

we're all gonna die!

Someone make me feel
like a real woman!

The guy sitting next to her
takes off his shirt,

and he says, here, iron this.

- [cackles]
- Right?

Yeah, right.
- That's a good one.

- Yeah, see, that's how
it's gonna be down here.

Just you and me and jokes
about chicks doing chores.

- Matty?

- Oh, boy, here comes
Raggedy Lesbi-Ann.

- [sighs] Dennis, I'd like
to talk to my uncle.

Can you give us a second?

- Hey, anything
you want to say to me,

you can say
in front of Dennis here.

- [sighs] Fine.

Look, I don't expect us to
agree on politics, all right?

That's just never gonna happen.

But this isn't about politics.

This is about who I am.

Matty...

like it or not,
we're family.

I don't talk to my parents
anymore,

so you and Aunt Suze
are all I've got.

I don't want to lose you too.

I'm your niece, and I just--

I just think
it's really fucking shitty

and unfair that you can't
accept me for who I am.

- Hey, it's Christmas Eve,
not Christmas Steve.

- So all the fucked-up things
that he says,

is that really
what you think too?

- Don't back down, Matty.
This is your house.

- Well, then I guess
you're an intolerant prick,

just like he is.

Have a good Christmas
with truck Hitler.

I'm out of here.

- Jesus, they always
bring up Hitler

when they're losing
an argument.

And by the way,
not everything he did was--

- I need another beer.

- Why didn't you tell her off?

- What the hell
was I supposed to say?

- You remind her who pays
the bills around here.

You tell her to stop
giving God the finger.

- Ah.
You don't know nothing.

- Oh, no shit?

Well, now I see
why Johnny's the way he is.

- What do you mean?

- Your son is 16.

He ain't got a girlfriend.
He doesn't play sports.

He spends all of his time
in his room with a teddy bear

doing fuck knows what.

For all you know, he's minty.

- Minty?

What the fuck is minty?

- You know, he's trimming
the crust off the bread.

- What?

- He's raking his leaves
at night.

He ain't throwing away
all his peach pits,

if you know what I'm saying.

- I don't have a fucking clue.

- He's picking his eggshells
out of the compost.

Come on, you know what I mean.

Your kid's a cheese puncher.

- Hey, don't talk to me
about my son, you asshole!

- Whoa, whoa, hey, hey,
I'm the only one in this house

who doesn't lie to you.

[indistinct chatter over TV]

- I know what I'm gonna do.

- Great. Let's go.

- You stay here.

- Hey, can you change
the channel to the game?

Ah, look at this.

Fucking Clinton.

- You guys in separate beds?

- Yeah.

- Good.

[sighs]

[engine grinding]

- What?

- I grew up different.

I'm--

but I'm not
one of those guys.

I mean, I don't understand
how you can do what you do...

- OK.
- But--but--but...

I don't want you
to feel unwelcome in my house.

- Uh-huh.

- I'm not great
with this stuff.

But...

It's good
that you're here--

for John.

- Sure.

- The other day, I farted,
and he said it was pungent.

And I guess that's a word.

So he's learning stuff

with you around.

And Christmas is just
a whole thing for Susan too.

So yeah, she wants you here.

And I--

I don't want to be
a shitty uncle.

I'm sorry.

- I'm not the only one
you disrespected.

- Sarah...

you're invited to Christmas.

And I'm sorry that I
called you a terrorist.

- You--you never
called me that.

- Oh, that's right.
You were out of the room.

- [sighs]

Well, what about Dennis?

- I guess he's got to go.

- Son of a bitch.

- Hey.

Dennis?

[shouts]

[grunts]

[yells]

- I'm the one
you're gonna get rid of,

you piece-of-shit fuck face?

- Jesus, what the fuck
are you trying to do, kill me?

- I come to life for you,
and this is the thanks I get?

Huh?
- [grunts]

- What have you got
to say for yourself?

- I don't want
to kick you out, Dennis,

but my family comes first!

- Oh, come the fuck on.

- It ain't worked out with you
the way I thought it would.

- I backed you up every time,
just like you wanted.

- I didn't want to make
my niece cry, for God's sakes.

Why you got to be such a prick?

- Oh, what,
so now you're on her side?

- I'm not on anybody's side.

But...she's not hurting
anybody, God damn it.

- It's hurting society.

This is why Kennedy blew
his own brains out in Dallas.

- What the fuck?

- Oh, don't be naive.

- What the hell
is your problem?

- Oh, oh, I'm the one
with the problem?

- Yeah. Why the fuck are you
digging in like this?

I want to know.
- You want to know why, Matty?

- Yeah.
- You want to know why?

- Why?

- Because I have thoughts
of men!

- What?

- I have thoughts of men.

Sexual thoughts.

I want to do to men

what you want to do to women.

- You're saying--
- I'm gay, Matty.

I'm gay.

- Oh.

- God, I--

I can't believe
I just said it.

- Uh--
- Ah, shit!

What the fuck
have I been doing?

I've wasted
my whole goddamn life,

three days down the drain,

and I've never
allowed myself to love.

[sobs, sniffles]

- Well, I mean...
- [sobbing]

You could always--

- Ah, it's too late now.

I'm old and I'm rusty.

I don't know what to do, Matty.

I don't know what to do
or who to be or how to be it.

[sobbing]

Oh, God.

- When I was a kid...

[dramatic music]

You were always there for me.

* *

Well, I'm gonna
be there for you.

- [sobbing]

* *

- I love you, pal.

- [sobbing]

* *

- So I guess this is it.

- Yeah.

- Thanks, Dennis.

- For what?

- All those years growing up.

Mom and Dad fighting
in the other room.

Hell, fighting
in the same room.

Playing with you
was what got me through it.

- Nuh-uh.

Thank you, Matty,
for being who you are.

I don't think there's
a more tolerant man

in the greater Boston area.

- That's probably true.

- You sure you don't want
a sweater, Dennis?

- No, no.
I work hard on my body.

I want everyone to see it.

- So where you gonna go?

- I'm going to P-Town.

Got a lot of catching up to do.

Gonna be wild,
nonstop sucking, fucking,

and trucking for this guy.

Goodbye, Bennetts.

[uplifting music]

* *

- Well, I Jesus-ed
the shit out of that one.

- You?

You didn't do anything.

- Eh, I worked
in mysterious ways.

- How?

- Where there was only
one set of footprints,

that's where I carried you.

- You watched 18 hours
of TV yesterday.

You barely moved.

- When it most appears
I'm not Jesus,

that's when you need faith.

- Ted, you do know
what happened to Jesus, right?

- Yeah, he gave back
the Gobstopper,

and they gave him
the chocolate factory.

I mean, I think
that's what happened.

I'm reading, like,
two books at once.

- They nailed him to the cross
and crucified him for our sins.

- Wait, what?

- It was so nice of him

to let them do that
for us, wasn't it?

- They killed him?
- Yeah.

- Oh, shit.
Yeah, fuck that. I'm out.

Wait, maybe I'm Buddha.

Buddha was lazy, right?

- * Sleigh bells ring *

- This is a lot of good shit.

Thanks, Mom.
Thanks, Dad.

- Oh, you're welcome,
John-John.

- Hey, thanks for this, Johnny.

I been wanting a Talkboy.

Now I can record
all my thoughts.

Douche.

Douche.

Now I won't forget.

- Blaire, open that one up.
That one's from me.

- * Walking
in a winter wonderland *

- Gingerly.

- * Gone away
is the bluebird *

- Oh...wow.

- I know how much
you girls love

those "Beverly Hills 90210"
boys.

- Ian Ziering.

Thank you.

- It's for your room.

- Yeah, no,
I know what it's for.

Thank you, Aunt Suze.

- Should we go
hang it up right now?

- Oh, you know what?

I want to think really hard

about where I want to put it,
you know?

- OK.
- It's just too special, so...

- All right.

- You happy, Susan?

- Oh, Matty, I'm so happy.
I love it.

- Yeah, they said this one
had the most sucking power.

- I'm sure
it sucks wonderfully.

[laughter]

- Oh, you know what?

I almost forgot.

There's one more.

- * When you're in town *

* Later on, we'll conspire *

* As we dream *

- Merry Christmas, Susan.

- * By the fire *

* To face unafraid
the plans that we made *

* Walking
in a winter wonderland *

- [gasps]

* *

- A karaoke machine!

- Yeah, I figured
you could sing...

you know, your solo.

* *

- I love you so much.

Oh, honey, thank you.

Oh.

["Silent Night" playing]

* *

* Silent night *

* Holy night *

* All is calm *

* All is bright *

* Round yon virgin *

* Mother and child *

* Holy infant *

* So tender and mild *

* Sleep in heavenly *

* Peace *

* Sleep *

* In heavenly peace *

[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]

- * Oh, you've got a headful
of someone dreadful *

* And yet, alas,
that someone adores you *

* *

* Everybody needs
a best friend *

* I'm happy I'm yours *

* I'm just a clown *

* And I'll bring you down *

* But you just don't care
'cause your *

* Best friend is me *

* *