All language subtitles for Ted.S01E04.720p.WEBRip.x265-PROTON

[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]

* *

- * My words are lazy *

* My thoughts are hazy *

* But this is one thing
I'm sure of *

* Everybody needs
a best friend *

* I'm happy I'm yours *

[upbeat music]

* *

- Oh, baby. Here we go.

- Let the festivities begin.

- How many have we got?
- Well, let's see.

We got 20 cartons,
12 eggs in each.

That's got to be like,
20 dozen eggs, right?

- Fucking fantastic.

- Do you think we're
getting too old for this?

- Oh, come on, Johnny, we're
doing a public service here.

If a kid leaves the house in
a less than stellar Halloween

costume, he's got
to get the bad news

before he makes a fool
of himself all over town.

We're Samaritans.

You remember last year?

- Oh, check it out.
There's one.

- Hey, nice costume, fuckface!

- Ah! What the hell?

- Hey, what the fuck
are you supposed to be?

- I'm the Hulk.
- Yeah, no, you're not.

- Yes, I am!

- The Hulk doesn't
have a fucking picture

of the Hulk on his chest.

- Yeah, the Hulk's shirt
doesn't say "The Hulk" on it.

- Yeah, if you got
to tell us you're the Hulk,

it's already
a failed narrative.

- Fuck you.

- Ah! You assholes!

Hulk angry.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, whatever, dude.

- Hulk smash!

- Yeah, go back to Walgreens
and smash there.

- Hey, you ever notice how the
Hulk only talks about himself

in the third person?

- I know.
He's like Bob Dole.

- Shit!

- All right,
how much time we got?

- Uh, a couple hours.

- What do you want to do?

- Scary movie?
- Scary movie.

- Wait, what the hell?

Where's "Texas
Chainsaw Massacre"?

Hey, hey, Blaire.

- Yeah.

- I thought you were going
to rent scary movies.

- I did.

- Walt Disney's "Watcher
in the Woods," what the fuck?

- Chainsaws are lazy
and obvious.

This is cerebral.

And it's a really scary movie.

- [scoffs]
Walt Disney?

- Early '80s Disney,
the dark period.

- Oh, what dark period?
It's fucking Disney.

- You'll be scared.

- Oh, come on, I saw "Aladdin,"
and I was fine.

I wasn't sitting there like,
oh, no, fucking Jafar.

- You know, we're not
kids anymore, Blaire.

- Yeah.

- I haven't cried
last four haircuts.

- Yeah.
- I'm using deodorant now.

- Yeah, deodorant.

- Fine, I dare you to watch it.

See if it doesn't mess you up.

- Fine, sure.
- No problem.

[tense music]

* *

Oh, no.
- No, no, no.

No, no, no.
- No, no, I don't like this.

- This is not good.
- No.

Nope.

both: Nope, nope, nope, nope,
nope, nope, nope, nope.

- Don't like this.

- Come on.
- Oh, stop.

- Come on.
- Stop it.

- Come on.
- Oh, stop it!

- Come on.
- Stop it!

[both scream]

- Goddammit!
- Come on!

- What the fuck?
- Come on!

- Fuck, you're
a piece of shit, Blaire.

Oh, my God.

- Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck.

- Get it off.
- Turn it off.

Turn it the fuck off.
- Oh, my God.

- Oh.

- I'm never looking
in a mirror again.

- Me neither, fucking God!

- I'm never going
to be able to shave.

- Yeah.
Thanks, Blaire.

Now he's going to have
to grow a mustache.

- Oh, that's going to limit
my career choices.

- Yeah, he's going to have
to be a cop or a fireman.

- Oh, those are dangerous jobs.
- Yeah.

What if he gets killed?

God, Blaire,
you're such a fucker.

- Well, next time,
don't be so smug with all

your cocky deodorant talk.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

- Man, mirrors in horror movies
are like a huge red flag.

- Oh, hey, Sharon.
What's up?

- Mirrors and small children

pointing at things
that you can't see.

- Oh, shit.
Yeah, that's a bad one.

- God, are you sure?

- Oh, and when
the Black guy says,

oh, I'll go check out what
the noise is in the basement.

That's always trouble.

- Well, thank you
for telling me.

- Yeah, why does
the Black guy always die?

- No, it's fine.
I'll figure it out.

- Yeah, isn't that
kind of racist?

- Seems like it.

- They should have only
white people in those movies.

- Oh, yeah, so then the Black
guys won't get killed.

- Yeah, I'll talk to you later.

- Blaire, we just came up
with a great way

to make movies less racist.

- Sharon is
conscientiously objecting

to this costume party tonight,
so I need a designated driver.

Can you do it?
- Me?

No, not tonight.

- Yeah, me and Ted
got massive plans.

- Well, I can't drive myself.

I'll be full of Jell-O shots.

- So you have a few drinks,
big deal.

You know what nobody ever talks
about with drunk driving?

How fun it is.

- John doesn't have
his license yet.

And you--
- It's like a video game.

- You owe me.
- For what?

- I took the heat
went Aunt Suze found

the porno you guys rented.

- What do I care?
She's not my mom.

My mom's an 11-year-old kid
in China with arthritis.

- How do you know that?

- Because she sewed a note
in my leg that says

she's never had a vegetable.

- Come on, Ted.
Please, you got to drive me.

- It's not
a good night, Blaire.

We got plans.
- Yeah.

Now, I'm going to go shower
and fluff myself,

so I can be
in a confident head space

to shame trick-or-treaters.

The cuter I look,
the worse they feel.

[vocalizing]
* Macarena *

[vocalizing]
* Macarena *

[vocalizing]
* Macarena *

* Hey, Macarena *

Ah, where's
the goddamn conditioner?

- Help me.

- Ah!

- Be my designated driver.

- Jesus Christ,
Blaire, what the fuck!

- Well?

- What the fuck
is wrong with you?

I'm naked.
- You're always naked.

- Yeah, but I'm bathroom naked.

I'm washing my bear parts.

Get lost.

- Help me.
- Ah, Jesus Christ!

- Drive me to the party.

- I said no.
Stop fucking scaring me.

God!

- You can end this
very easily, you know.

- I will not be blackmailed.

[crickets chirping]

- There's nothing like the
scent of the hills of Kilkenny

to make you feel fresh.

And we put a bit of that
into every bar

of Irish Spring.

- This whole ad
campaign is a bluff.

- What do you mean?

- It's like,
you know who smells good?

The Irish.

Yeah, a guy named
Seamus Boyle smells great.

- Is it warm in here?

- Yeah, it is kind of warm.

- Yeah, it feels like
somebody turned up the heat.

I'm going to check
the thermostat.

- No, wait.
- What?

- It's her.

It's fucking Blaire.

You open that door,
she's going to be right there

with that fucking blindfold.

Here, I'll open a window.

- Help me.

- Ah!

All right, goddammit!

- Forbidden donut.

- Well, well,
finishing something?

- [screams]

- Now, remember,
the instant you finish it...

- Oh, my God!

You two look so adorable.

- Thank you.

- All right,
let me guess who you are.

Blaire, you're Batman.

- Close, Catwoman.

- OK.

And, Ted, you're
Lawrence of Arabia.

- Yeah, that's exactly right.

All right,
now don't worry, Johnny.

I'll be back by 9:00.
Right, Blaire?

That was the deal.
- Yeah, sure, whatever.

- We're going
to miss the first round.

- Yeah, but that's
just the little kids.

We'll have plenty of time
to shame the puberty crowd.

- Yeah, I guess.

- OK, well, we got to go.

- All right, you two.

You have a fun time now.

Oh, Johnny, don't look so sad.

I have a fun surprise for you.

- What is it?

- I've hidden a Heath bar
somewhere in this house.

- Can I get a hint?

- Oh, I can't do this to you.

It's in the hamper.

I'll go get it.

[Spin Doctors' "Two Princes"]

* *

- Blaire!

Oh, my God.
- You look so good.

- You look so good.

- Oh, you guys look amazing.

- You look amazing.
- Stunning.

- This is Ted.

Ted, you know Sarah.

And this is Paige.
- Hey.

- Hey, Ted.
How's it going?

- Hey, how are you?

- What's your costume?

- Are you a caveman?

- You ever see
"Return of the Jedi"?

It was kind of a small
independent film,

mostly Israeli financed.

- Yeah, I don't date men,
so I don't need to learn this.

- Well, come on, we need
to get you guys wasted.

- Yes, yes for me, but Ted here
is my designated driver.

- Yeah, I'm the guy
that gets to listen

to the Spin Doctors sober.

- That sucks.
Come on.

- [sighs]

- Hey.

Want a drink?

- I can't, I'm driving.

- Oh, too bad.

I always wanted to do a shot
with a teddy bear.

- Fuck it, I'm not driving yet.

[hip-hop music]

- I always wanted to smoke weed
with a teddy bear.

- Sign me up.

* *

- I always wanted to snort
my ADHD meds with a teddy bear.

- If that's a cry for help,
you got the wrong guy.

Yeah!

[cheering]

- All righty, kids.

You take care now,
and happy Halloween.

- Say thank you, kids.

- Thank you.

- Oh, you're welcome.

And be careful
of the razor blades, all right?

They're everywhere.

Matty.

- Get the bacitracin.

- The bacitra-- why?

- An ostrich bit me.

- A what?
- A goddamn ostrich!

I was installing a fence
for a guy over in Boxford.

And he keeps ostriches,
doesn't want them getting

past the property line.

And one of them bit me
on the fucking ass!

- Wow, I've never seen
an ostrich in person before.

Your job is so interesting.

- Susan, will you
help me out here?

- I'll get the bacitracin.

- Yeah, and maybe
we call a moratorium

on you sticking Fig Newtons
in my pocket wrapped

in a little goddamn note!

- [sighs]

Hey, Mom,
do we have any more chip--

- Take a long look, Johnny.

This is what life is.

[chatter]

- Cheers, fucksticks.
- Whoo!

[hip-hop music]

- Ah.

Hey, you guys want
to see something terrifying?

Watch this.

Everybody wave your arms!

[cheering]

Everybody jump in the air!

[cheering]

Let's invade Poland!

[cheering]

See that?
That's the Milgram experiment.

That's how it starts,
with dancing.

The dad from "Footloose"
was right.

Oh, shit!

It's 8:30.

Blaire, Blaire, it's 8:30.

We got to go.

- God, I never noticed how
beautiful your hair is.

Does it just naturally
dry like that?

- Shut the fuck up.

Your hair's the beautiful hair.

- Wait a minute, are--

are you drunk?

- I'm just a little--
it's sort of.

It's fine.
- You're fucking drunk!

- Well, so are you.

- Yeah, well,
that was the plan.

[sighs]
Sorry.

* *

How the hell are we
supposed to get home?

You're completely fucked up.

- It's a straight shot.

You take the Neponset Circle,
to 93 South, to 90 West,

to 495 North,
and you just do that U-turn

at the light in front
of the police station,

and you're home.

- Yeah, no, I'm not getting
in a car with you.

- Look, what's done is done.

But we both promised
Johnny we'd get me back

in time for egging, all right?

I'm fine to drive.

- You're not driving
my car drunk, OK?

It's-- it's my car.

I should be the drunk driver.

- All right, fair enough.

I'll help by screaming
out things I see.

- Hey, Blaire.

- Professor Damon, hi.

- Who's this now?
- How are you?

- Good, good.

Feeling sharp.

- Feeling sharp?

- Shut the fuck up.

- I love the Batman costume.

- Oh, thanks.

- And who's
Lawrence of Arabia here?

- Ted, talking teddy bear, hi.

- Oh, Ted.
Yes, of course.

I remember
your story very well.

- Yeah.
Well, it's nice meeting you.

Come on.
Let's go, Blaire.

- You in a rush?

Why don't you come up
to the house for a minute?

There's something
I'd like to talk to you about.

I just went to the store.

I could whip us up
a little caprese salad.

- Yeah, yeah, sure.

I love salad.

- Whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute, hang on.

- Oh, you're invited too, Ted.

See you in a few?

- Awesome, yeah.

See you in a few.
- OK.

- You buttnut!

I promised Johnny
I'd be home by 9:00.

- You clearly don't
know who that is.

- Yeah, a guy in his 50s riding
a moped, fucking winner.

- That is Lucas Damon,
my English lit professor.

The Lucas Damon
who also happens to be

a "New York Times"
best-selling novelist.

- Yeah, was the novel about a
guy who couldn't afford a car?

- [mockingly]
Was the guy--

no, he's looking
for a student research

assistant for his next book.

Literally everybody
wants this job.

- "I love salad."

See, I knew you were lying.
Nobody loves salad.

- I do.
I really love salad.

- Not one person
on this planet loves salad.

- I do.
- You're on death row.

Your last meal, you can
have a steak or a salad.

- I'm going to choose a salad.
- Fuck you!

You're getting a steak.

After what you did
to that family--

the baby's ear was
on the ceiling!

I've been doing
this job 20 years.

I never seen
anything so horrible.

- What?
- Oh, Christ, I'm fucked up.

Yeah, it's good you're driving.
- Eh.

- My latest work is
a piece of historical fiction

that examines race and class
in 19th century New England.

- Wow, that sounds incredible.

Hey, great salad, by the way.

I love that there
are no croutons.

- It explores the balance
between sociopolitical change

and personal
relationships as seen

through the eyes
of a labor organizer

in Martha's Vineyard.

There's a plot twist
that will shock you.

- Hey, can I maybe have
a different can of Schweppes

that's not 85 degrees?

- You know, John Irving
always starts a novel

with the last sentence.

I like to start
with the second to last.

Would you like to hear it?

- Absolutely.

- [clears throat]

The horizon wept

as Clara's
undraped mortal frame

joined the coiled multitudes,

elation, revolution,

a taste of bitter blood.

- It's brilliant.

It evokes the best
of James Joyce

without feeling derivative
or overly aureate.

- Hey, how'd you
get inside my head?

[laughter]

I'll freshen our drinks.

Ted, I'm sure Blaire has warned
you, I'm the fun professor.

- OK.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Are you shitting me?
- What?

- What do you mean, what?

We're sitting here wasting time

because this fucking horndog
just wants to bang you.

- Excuse me.

Where the hell are
you getting that?

- Oh, my God, Blaire,
it's so obvious.

He invites you to his place,
he gets you drunk--

- OK, I'm not drunk.

- What are you talking about?

"I love that there
are no croutons."

- Yeah, it's called
being polite.

- When did you become--
- You should fucking try it.

- --anti crouton just
for this buttnut?

- I'm trying to make
fucking conversation.

- And by the way,
I'm guessing this is

the first time he's
seen you dressed like this,

as opposed
to your usual fashion,

which is basically Melissa
Ethridge at a flea market.

- I know when
I'm being hit on, OK?

I have seven uncles.
- You know what else?

I'm just going to say it,
that salad tastes

like Dustin Hoffman's balls.

- Here we go, more wine.

Or should we be naughty
and start on the cognac?

- Yeah.
Listen, we got to go.

I got to take medicine
for my diabetes.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
You have diabetes?

- Oh, yeah, real bad.

- Oh. Type 1 or 2?

- Well, it started
with just one diabete.

And then, you know,
left unchecked--

- I completely understand.

Diabetes killed my mother
and my older sister.

- Great, thanks for having us.
Come on, Blaire.

Let's get the fuck
out of here, huh?

- Pleasure.

As Borges said,

"With every goodbye,
you learn."

- As Steinbeck said,

"Farewell has
a sweet sound of reluctance.

Goodbye is short and final."

- As Hemingway said, "I wonder
what this gun tastes like."

All right, come on.
Let's go, huh?

[upbeat music]

* *

- Oh, Johnny,
you still look so sad.

- It's after 9:00.

Ted promised to be back by now.

- Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Well, if you want,
you can help me clean

your father's ostrich bite.

- Seriously?

That's-- that's
your best offer, Dad's ass?

- Oh.

Well, what if you
invited a friend over?

- In case you haven't noticed,
Ted's my only friend.

- That lovely new woman
from church, Carol,

said she has a son.

I think he's about your age.

- I don't care.

- He's probably growing
into his body just like you.

Should I invite him over?

- What the fuck? No.

- I think I'll call Carol.

- Why?

- Susan, the gauze came off.

It's leaking again.

Susan.

Johnny, meet me in the bathroom
with a T-shirt you don't wear.

Nothing with a decal!

* *

- Oh, my God.
Can you fucking watch the road?

That was a red light.
- I see it.

I just-- I choose not
to let it define me.

- Pull over.
I'm going to drive.

- Fuck that.

You're the one
who was chugging wine

with that professor
of cliterature.

You know, like--
like literature, but like--

- Yeah, no.
- With like, a clitoris.

- I know what you mean.
- All right.

Just checking, God.
Jesus Christ.

- Yeah, and you're
a fucking moron, by the way.

You know that?
- I'm a moron?

Why am I a moron?

- That man is
a brilliant writer.

And what are you?

A deadbeat teddy bear
with a drug problem.

- Hey, at least
I have a drug problem.

Wait, what?
Sorry.

Fuck.
I'm really fucked up, man.

- Great, well, you know,
maybe then you can

acknowledge the fact
that you have no idea

what you're talking about.

- Look, will you just
shut up and drive?

- You're driving!

[horns blaring]

Oh, fuck!

[tires screeching]

- OK, that was a red light.

- Hey, honey, I'm home.

[growls]

- Ow!

I told you to get
the salted crackers.

- Johnny, come on downstairs!

- Oh!
[laughter]

- John, this is Will, the boy
I was telling you about.

- Yo, yo, yo.

- Will's also looking for
something to do on Halloween.

- Oh.
- John needs a friend tonight.

He's upset because
his teddy bear's not here.

- That's cool, man.

Wow, this place
is like a mansion.

- I'm going to go make
you boys some spooky cookies.

- Oh.
- Boo.

- [laughs]
I'll take a lamb chop, though.

If you got one,
just get it going.

I'll take it.

It's-- so what do you wanna do?

- How old are you?

- 38.

I live with my mom by choice.

- Uh-huh.
- A little bit about myself.

I work in quality control
at General Mills.

I inspect every batch
of breakfast cereal.

I'm the last line of defense
between your mouth

and rat feces.

- I-- I hope
you're good at your job.

- I'm not.
Stop eating cereal.

What else is there?

I own every Steely Dan album.

I'm an expert dungeon master.

I dabble in animal husbandry.

I guess what I'm
trying to say, Johnny,

is you can have it all.

You want a Zima?

- A Zi-- no, I'm good.

- You want
to look at some porn?

- You got porn?

- Fuck yeah, I got porn.

Here, check this out.

- These are drawings.

- Yeah.

- This is-- this is
porn that you drew.

- Yeah, my mom won't let me
look at the real stuff

because of the cigarette ads,
so...

- Why-- why are they all--
- Oh, I can't do hands.

- Oh.
- So...

You know what
the weirdest part is, man?

Now when a girl has hands,
I hate it.

- Is that Winona Ryder
fucking Lion-O?

- That is Winona Ryder
fuck-- yeah.

I gave her a ton of bush.

I doubt she has
that much bush in real life,

but that's the beauty
of art, right?

It can be anything
we imagine it to be.

- His dick is a sword.

- You'll never guess
what his sword is.

- Is it a dick?
- A dick.

- Yeah.
- It's a dick.

This one gets me so good.

Do you ever look
at one that gets you good?

- Not a drawing, but not--

not before this.

- Then you're not
doing it right.

- Oh.
- Give them back.

- Oh, I can't fucking
believe you just did that!

I'm not even halfway done
with payments on this car.

- Jesus, you paid for this car?

- Oh, shut up.
It's a great car.

- Oh, my God, Blaire,
there's a kid in the grill!

- What?
- I'm just kidding.

Look at your face.

- Motherfucker!

- Yeah, but see, now real life
ain't so bad, right?

- No, no,
we gotta get this thing

towed before the cops show up.

- Oh, because
we've been drinking.

- Yes, Isaac Newton, because
we've been fucking drinking.

- Well, wait a minute,
why don't we

just tell the cops
that we started

drinking after we crashed?

Right, we were so pissed
about the crash,

that we had nine beers.

- You know,
that's actually a great idea.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I think you just
solved drunk driving.

- I did, didn't I?
- No, you dipshit.

We gotta go find a phone.

- Well, what'd they say?

- Uh, they said phone
is for employees only.

Also, get the fuck out
of the kitchen, you drunk.

- Shit.
- Yeah.

Here, I stole you an apple pie.

- Oh, thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

- Well, you know,
I don't know why

I always think
you're not white trash

like the rest of the family.

- Fuck you.

- Because you are.

- OK, just eat it.

- Careful, McDonald's apple
pies are always a little hot.

- Oh, Jesus Christ!
- Ah, God!

- Why the fuck do they do that?
- Ah, God!

I don't know.

[both panting]

It's probably cooled off
by now, though.

Oh, goddammit!

Oh!

This fucking goddamn night.

[upbeat music]

* *

- Maybe we can call a cab.

- I don't have any cash,
and you don't have any pockets.

We've got to find
a payphone and call home.

[phone rings]

- Hello?

- Will you accept
a collect call from this--

- No.

- Shit.

Oh.

All right, just let me
think for a second.

OK, look, we're not
too far from campus.

Why don't we just walk back
and use Damon's phone?

- That pervert?

- What?
- Fuck no.

- Why not?
I mean--

- Because he's probably
back there right now

boiling the cushion you sat on
to make soup stock.

- Well, you want
to get home in time or not?

- Blaire, I know
you don't see it, OK,

but I don't trust that guy.

- Oh, my God.
- I don't trust him.

I think he's got one thing
on his mind, filthy doings.

- OK, look, I get your concern
for me, or whatever,

but I'm an adult, OK?

I can take care of myself.

- Blaire, have you ever
seen an old man penis?

It's like a melted pint
of coffee ice cream.

There's a sadness to it,
almost like it

remembers how it used to look.

I mean, it looks like--
like it's trying to hide,

but it's too tired.

No, no.
You know what it looks like?

It looks like Bert Lahr
when he took

off the Cowardly Lion suit
but he still had the makeup on.

It's-- oh, shit.

What was the last
one you heard?

- Let's put on our costumes
that we made last night.

OK.

[laughter]

- You like movies?

- Yeah.

- I got a VHS of rodeo
deaths we could watch.

- Rodeo deaths?

- Yeah.

You know, there's
something about real death.

Just like-- it just
turns you on, you know?

Why is that for all of us?

- I-- I honestly can't
answer that question.

- [laughs]
I'm totally fucking with you.

- Oh.

- Seriously though,
I do have the tape.

We could take off our shirts,
just watch it together.

- Yeah, yeah.
Maybe next time.

- [laughs]
I'm fucking with you again.

Oh, my God.
You were about to do it.

- No, no, I wasn't.
- You were.

Your shirt's like,
halfway off already.

- No, it's fucking not.
- Nah, it could be though.

We could have it off
if we wanted to.

You know what's great?
- What?

- Crack.
- Ah.

- You know how,
like, someone's like,

oh, I like chocolate cake.

It's so good, it's like crack.

This is actually crack.

Gets a lot of bad press.

Gotta tell you,
furthest thing from whack.

- Yeah, I'll pass on that.
Thanks.

- Oh.

Picking up a little bit
of a judgy vibe there.

- Yeah, it's crack.

- Uh, OK.

I bet you have
some idiosyncrasies

I might find a little odd.

- I don't think crack, like,
counts as an idiosyncrasy.

- Can I use your phone?

- Yeah, yeah, there's one
right over there.

- Yeah, so I just want
to sleep in tomorrow,

so I'm just going to call in
a bomb scare to my office.

* *

[doorbell rings]

- Well, look who's back.

- Us again.

- Hey, is it Halloween
or is it Christmas?

- [chuckles drily]

- Come on in.
- Thank you.

- Phone's still busy.

What the fuck is
going on over there?

Johnny's probably freaking
out wondering where I am.

- Professor Damon,
we're so sorry

to inconvenience you like this.

- Not at all.
I'm happy for the company.

Say, as long
as I've got you here,

there's something
I'd like to show you.

- Oh, God.
Here it comes.

Just stare at the balls.
It'll be better that way.

- It's the opening chapter
of my next book.

Just finished it yesterday.

Would you like to read it?

- Oh, my God.
I'd be honored.

- Fabulous.

Don't let the typos throw you.

He's a dyslexic narrator.

Ted, why don't you
and I play some

billiards while I nervously
await Blaire's verdict?

- [mouthing words]

- Welcome to my billiard room.

- All right, buddy, you and me
got to have a little talk.

- I'd love to.

How about I freshen
your drink first?

- Fine.

Whoops.

- Hello, Ted.

- Uh, what-- what's
going on there, buddy?

- I want to make love to you.

- Oh.

- I believe forthright honesty
is the only approach when you

have feelings for somebody.

[soft music]

I've been waiting all my life
for someone like you.

Your furry curves,
your boundless whimsy.

- It-- it has bounds.

- I've been going
crazy since you

walked out my door tonight.

I want us to have illicit
congress together.

- You know,
Blaire is really into you.

- I don't care.

It's you I want.

- Yeah, I--

I don't date other bears.

- I don't have to be a bear.

I could be a pony
if you prefer,

or a bird with colorful plumage
and a functioning cloaca.

- Yeah, boy, you know,
it just wouldn't work out.

- I don't care what
people would think.

If I could take you
on my arm to faculty events,

I wouldn't be embarrassed.

- Yeah, that's not
the holdup for me.

- I see.

So your answer is no.

- Hey, Professor, do you mind
if I use your bathr--

- Blaire.

Any thoughts about
the pages you read?

- Great.

Uh, they-- they were great.

- And the homage to Tennyson?

Did that play it all?

- Uh, fine.

- We'll let ourselves out.

- Hey.

You know, if we could just
kind of keep this quiet.

I have a reputation
as a guy who doesn't do this.

- Sure, of course.

- On one condition,
you make Blaire

your research assistant.

- That's OK, Ted.

- No, no.
No, no, Blaire, no.

You're wicked smart.
You work hard.

You deserve it.
- He's right, Blaire.

You've got a great
analytical mind.

- I'm going to have
to sleep on that.

- Oh, and one more thing,
we're going to need your bike.

[upbeat music]

* *

- Oh. Hi, Johnny.

You want to feel
some spooky eyeballs?

I'm just kidding.

They're just peeled grapes.

Oh, I'd never really
hurt anyone, Johnny.

- Mom, I cannot take
this guy anymore.

- What's the matter?

- Will, OK?
He's-- he's a freak.

He's crazy.
Can't you get him to leave?

- Well, he's
your friend, Johnny.

If you want him to leave,
you'll have to ask him.

- He's not my friend.

You invited him over.
Plus, he's like 40.

- Well, I'm 47,
and we're friends.

- Yeah, you're my mom.

- Even when you were
still in my guts

you used to kick my cervix, but
I knew it was you just saying,

hi, I can't wait
to come out and be friends.

- Yeah, yeah.
Fine, I'll do it.

- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, no, no.

[laughs] All right.
- Will?

You in there?

- Yeah, come on in.

Oh, I cannot
believe we're taking

a bath at the same time.

You know, it's like
we're taking a bath together.

[laughs]
All right, I got to go.

But I'll-- I'll talk
to you later, Dad.

I love you.

I love-- ah.

Didn't get him.

- What the fuck, dude?

- What the fuck what?

- Who just comes over
to somebody's house

and gets in their tub?

- Uh, I do.

It's called making
the most out of life.

Some people wait for an invite
to the party, I start it.

I seize the moment, Johnny.

You see, perfect example,
you've been a drip all night.

Guess what?
I've had a killer evening.

You've been all sad.
Why?

Because your teddy
bear is gone?

That's not how you do life.

You got to grab
every chance you can

to make your own happiness.

- Why is the water black?

- Carpe diem,
Johnny, carpe diem.

When you see a chance to turn
your day around, grab it!

All right.

Now, I'm going to take a hike.

Hey, you ever need me,

you scratch
my name into your arm.

- And you'll show up?

- I don't know.

Never tried it.

- Hi, Matty.

- What do you want?

- Hey, listen, I felt
really bad about Clementine

giving you that bite.

And I wanted
to make it up to you.

- Eggs?

- Ostrich eggs.

Each one is about
24 chicken eggs.

- What the hell am I
supposed to do with these?

I don't know 24 people.

- Carpe diem,
Johnny, carpe diem.

When you see a chance to turn
your day around, grab it.

You know what's great?

Crack.

- Hey, Dad.

* *

Hey, nice robot costume.

Those the boxes
your dad used to move out?

Hey, who are you?
The Dork Knight?

- I'm Batman!

- Ow!
What the fuck?

You asshole!

- Hey, hey, who are
you supposed to be?

- Olympic figure
skater Scott Hamilton.

- Oh, man, you're going
to have enough trouble.

Keep moving.

Oh, hey, ET!

Take this,
you Reese's piece of shit.

[chuckles]

Oh, crap.

- What the fuck?

- Oh, my God.

Is this what we've
been doing to people?

We were wrong, Johnny.

We were wrong!

Hey, listen, man,
I'm really sorry I

didn't get back in time.

But you know what?

I think it was for the best.

- Me too.

I mean, it was kind
of nice to see if I could

actually have fun on my own.

- That sounds healthy,
like growth.

- Yeah, it felt like growth.

- You grew.

You grew tonight.

- I really did.

So how was your night?

- I was almost raped
by a professor.

But now I got a moped,
so it's fine.

- Well, now that
we know for sure

that we can exist on our own,
let's never do it again.

- Oh, fuck no.
I was dying out there.

- Do you want to get high?
- Absolutely.

Wait. No, not yet.

There's one more thing
I got to do tonight.

[floor creaks]

Help me.
- Oh, my God!

Jesus Christ!

You scared the shit out of me.

- Got you, motherfucker.

- Oh, damn.

- [chuckles]
You know, Blaire, there

actually is something I--

I came here to tell you.

- OK.

- You know, me and Johnny
always think you're like,

this buzzkill,
but tonight was kind of fun.

You're kind of fucking fun.

- Well, I got to admit, I--

I kind of had fun too.

I mean, the towing
cost me $80, and I still

don't have a fucking car,
but for what it's worth,

I really do appreciate you
trying to look out for me,

even if you were wrong.

- Oh, by the way,
I got something for you.

This is for you.

- A McDonald's apple pie?

- Yeah, yeah.

I was saving it,
but it's all yours.

I've had it in the freezer
for two months,

so it's probably
cooled off by now.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, shit, oh, shit.

- Get a towel.
Get something to cover it.

- Get a wet towel.
- I am.

- Oh, my God, We're gonna
lose the fucking house!

- We're all going to die!

- Can I help you?

- Hey, I'm Carol's son.

I just got home from a party.

My mom told me
to come here and hang out

with somebody named John.

- Wait, you're Carol's son?

* *

[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]

- * Oh, you've got a headful
of someone dreadful *

* And yet alas,
that someone adores you *

* Everybody needs
a best friend *

* I'm happy I'm yours *

* I'm just a clown *

* And I'll bring you down *

* But you just don't care
'cause your *

* Best friend is me *

* *