All language subtitles for Ted.S01E02.720p.WEBRip.x265-PROTON

[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]

* *

- * My words are lazy *

* My thoughts are hazy *

* But this is one thing
I'm sure of *

* Everybody needs
a best friend *

* I'm happy I'm yours *

[upbeat music]

* *

- The other night I was out
at a basketball game

with my whole family.
- Right.

- And I only asked this guy in
front of me to just sit down

a bit so I could see,
and he beat me unmercifully.

He beat me very badly
and my hairpiece fell off.

[laughter]

And it was awful,
because when he beat me,

my teeth were also
in my hairpiece.

[laughter]

- Oh, man.

The Jerky Boys are
like the greatest

living comedy geniuses.

- I know.

It's like the
telephone was just

sitting there for 100 years
and it took these two guys--

both: To figure out
what it was for.

- See, yeah, you understand.
You understand.

- All right.
I gotta take a leak.

Oh, shit.

- Oh, fuck.

Clive, 2 o'clock.

He follows you in there,
you're a dead man.

- This is bad.

I really got to go.

You saw me down that
Capri Sun at lunch.

- I know.
You were sucking that straw

like it promised you
a modeling contract.

But Johnny, you got to hold it.

- It's not safe
to hold your pee.

- You got to do it, man.

Just think about baseball.

- That's not how it works.

- Think about your dad
coming out of the bedroom

naked on a weekend.

- What the fuck?

- With his hog hanging
out of his robe

waving like a bat sleeping
through an earthquake.

- Shut the fuck up, all right?

Just follow me in there
and stand guard.

- All right.

[sneaky music]

* *

All right, go on,
get to peeing.

- All right,
just watch the door.

- OK.

- Shit.
- Go on, hurry up.

- I can't, all right?

There's another guy in here
and I'm pee shy.

- Jesus Christ.
Hey dude, do you mind?

My buddy's self conscious.

- Yeah, I thought he might
be having some trouble

when I didn't hear anything.

I just want you to know, you
take all the time you need to.

I won't judge.

- Oh, here we go.

Thank you.

- That is all the thanks
I need.

[urinal whooshes]

- Wait.

Jesus?

All right.
It's OK.

Everything's going to be OK.

- Oh shit, he's here.
Wrap it up.

- That's not how it works.

- Hey, look who's here.

It's Bennett.

And he's got his little
boyfriend with him.

[laughter]

- All right, Clive,
what if I am his boyfriend?

What if we are
having an affair?

I can satisfy him in a way
you never could.

Oof!

- Better be careful, Bennett.

You wouldn't want to slip!

Yeah.

- Nice going, Bennett.

Pee much?

[laughter]

- Why don't you go ask
your mother's face?

Oh Jesus, I am so sorry.

That was so over the line.

- What the fuck, dude?
That's sick.

- It was out of my mouth
before I knew what it was.

Kind of like your mother.

- Oh, my God,
what is wrong with me?

I am so sorry.

I deserve what's
about to happen to me.

- Yeah, no shit.

[laughter]

Drink up, asshole.
- Oh shit.

Wait, no, not the toilet.

I'm not supposed to get wet.

It said so on my tag!

[toilet flushing]

[laughter]

- Teddy.

Teddy?

- Well, the joke's on us,
Johnny.

Pipes don't go anywhere.

The kids are just flushing them
back and forth all day.

Yuck.

- If you have a problem,
if no one else can help,

and if you can find them,
maybe you can hire the A-Team.

[adventurous music]

* *

- I've seen this
episode before.

It's a good one.

- How can you watch that shit?

It's just car chases
and blowing stuff up.

- Why did you just
say two good things

as if they're two bad things?

- Give us a break, Blaire.
Jesus.

We had a hard day.

And this show is
very educational.

We're learning about the
struggles of Vietnam veterans

and how to turn a wood chipper
into a cannon

that shoots cabbages.

- Matty, Dr. Frankel called
when you were at work today.

He says you're overdue
for a colonoscopy.

- Yeah, I'm not
getting one of those.

- He says it's important.

- That guy's a quack.
- No, he's not.

He's very smart.

- Not all Jewish doctors
are smart, Susan.

That's one of
those stereotypes.

- Wow.

Even when you're technically
on the right side,

you still find
a way to ruin it.

- What?

I just said they're
not all smart.

Some of them Hebrews are
just in it for the money.

- That is beyond
fucking offensive.

- Sorry.
Hebrews and Shebrews.

- Honey, it's a routine test.

You're sedated the whole time.

It wasn't so bad when I did it.

- What?

When the hell did you
have a colonoscopy?

- Last year when I was
having my tummy troubles.

- Where was I?
- You drove me.

- No, I didn't.

- Well, I had you drop me off
across the street at the mall.

I didn't want to worry you.

And plus
you needed undershirts,

and Jordan Marsh
was having a sale.

- This is hilarious.

You're afraid of a procedure
Aunt Sue's got done

without even telling you.

- I don't remember
picking you up.

- I walked home.
- She walked home.

- It's just a couple of miles.

Couldn't feel my legs anyway,

so it didn't matter
if my pumps got slushy.

- Well, Matty, it's your move.

- My move is
I'm getting a beer.

- My results were negative.

Oh gosh, he seems so worried.

- Man, I wish
the A-Team was real.

That way we could hire him
to beat the shit out of Clive.

- Who's Clive?

- This fucking goon
at school who picks on us.

- Is that Muriel's son Clive?

- I don't know, is Muriel's son
a sadistic steroid bully

with a pee fetish?

- Oh, that poor boy.

He doesn't have a father,
you know.

- Huh?

- Oh yeah,
he walked out on Muriel

before Clive was even born.

It's probably why
he's so unhappy.

- It's a classic
defense mechanism.

Hurt people hurt people.

- Wait, wait, wait,
are you saying

Clive is a bastard child?

- His mother is so sweet.

Must be hard.

- Johnny, we have been
blessed with information

we can weaponize.

- What do you mean?

- What would the Jerky Boys do?

- All right, found it.

555-3816.
[keypad beeping]

- Oh, we are going to fuck
this guy's head up so bad.

[line trilling]

- Hello?

- Clive, this is your father.

- What?
- I'm your father.

I abandoned you
when you were a baby.

Sorry about that.
I had a rough day.

- Dad, is this really you?

- Yes, Clive.

This is so totally
fucking your dad.

- [laughs] Dad, I knew
you'd call someday.

Mom said you wouldn't,
but I just knew it.

Where are you?

I mean, can I meet you?

- Holy shit, he wants to meet.

This is fucking classic.

- What do I say?
- Say yes.

Tell him to meet you
at Friendly's tomorrow.

- Yeah, sure, be at Friendly's
tomorrow after school.

And wear a sailor suit.

- A sailor suit?

- Yeah, I spent some time
in the Navy,

so it's sentimental
for me, you know.

I fought in the war.
- Whoa. Which one?

- You got that right,
my friend.

I don't like talking
about it though,

especially in specifics.

- Man, that's so cool.

- And I mean a real
sailor suit, all right?

Like the kid on the
Cracker Jack box.

- But where do
I get a sailor suit?

- You back talking me?

See, this smart mouth attitude
is exactly why I left.

- Sorry. No, I'm sorry, Dad.
No, I'll do it. I promise.

- That's more like it.

- Tell him to say ahoy.

- Oh yeah, and say ahoy
to people when you get there.

- OK.
Dad, I can't wait to meet you.

- Yeah, get those hopes
sky high, buddy.

- I love you--

- Oh, my God, that was
fucking amazing.

- That was great.

- Well, we got to be there
when he shows up.

- Totally.
Wait, wait, no, no, we can't.

He'll see us and
he'll kick our asses.

- No, he won't.

This was good.
This was a good plan.

- OK, now as far
as anyone knows,

we're two ad executives on
a business trip from Hartford

looking for some local talent.
- Right.

- Hey, keep these
milkshakes coming, huh?

- Sure thing.
- You know, we're celebrating.

Just landed a big account.
Bounty.

It's a very famous paper towel.

- Yep.
I use them every day.

- Oh, terrific.

Well, you know,
originally the slogan

was supposed to be the
"quicker picker upper,"

but we added the word
"thicker quicker picker upper."

Bought a summer house
with that one adjective.

- Congratulations.
- Yeah.

My wife's miles away, even
when we're in the same room.

You know,

she hasn't let me touch her
since the miscarriage.

- I'll be back
with your Fribbles.

- The fuck was that?

- What do you mean?
I'm just rolling with the area.

- That was fucking sad, dude.

- Oh, forgive me for trying
to add a little gravity

into the backstory, all right?
I mean, why are we traveling?

- Gravity?
I want to slit my wrist.

- So you get to be
Mr. Thicker Picker Upper

and I got nothing to
work with over here?

- Sorry, did you
want sprinkles?

- We picked out a name.
The room was painted.

- Calm down.

- No, no,
that's what everyone says.

I get to grieve.

[doorbell jingles]
- Oh, my God, look.

- Ahoy.

- Holy shit.
- He fucking wore it.

- Yeah.
Fix your kerchief.

There you go.
Now you're a proper seaman.

- All right. You ready?
- Yep.

I'm going in.

Oh, maybe don't talk to
the waitress while I'm gone.

- Just fucking go.

[phone ringing]

- Good afternoon, Friendly's.
- Yeah, hi.

I need you to deliver
a message

to one of your customers.

Dumb looking guy
dressed like an idiot.

- Sir, this is Friendly's.
Can you be more specific?

- The kid in the sailor suit.

This is his dad.
I got a message for him.

- I have a message for you
from your dad.

He says he's not coming because
you're a disappointment to him

and he's glad he left,

and he likes his adopted
Korean kids better.

Sorry.

- [sobbing]

[doorbell jingles]

[continues sobbing]

[wailing]

- Man, this is way sadder
than the miscarriage.

- His name was going
to be Lawrence.

[mellow music]

* *

- You know, I still feel really
shitty about yesterday.

- Yeah, me too.

- It's almost like Clive's
an actual human being,

with a heart.

- Well, you know, I'm sure
it's going to be fine.

- Hey, did you guys hear?
Clive tried to kill himself.

- Holy shit.

- He ate an entire bottle
of Flintstones vitamins.

- Even the Bettys.

- Did he--did he say
why he did it?

- Who cares?
I never felt more free.

Now I can wear my
Ace Of Base shirt

without getting my ass kicked.

- Shit, Teddy.
What are we going to do?

- It's out of our hands.

If he wants to wear the shirt,
he's going to wear the shirt.

- No, no, I mean,
this is our fault.

If Clive wasn't an idiot,
he'd be dead right now.

- All right.
OK. You know what?

We can fix this.

- Nice shirt, queer.
- Oh!

- Hm, nature abhors a vacuum.

- OK, you ready?
- Yeah.

Hang on. Hang on one sec.

We got a boy's heart
in our hands here.

I want to make sure
I got my wits about me.

[inhales]

[coughs]

All right, I'm good.
Call him.

[keypad beeping]

[line trilling]

- Hello?
- Hey Clive.

It's your dad.

You done barfing up Bamm-Bamms?

- Leave me alone.

- Wait, wait, just hang on.
Hang on.

I want to apologize.

I'm sorry about not
showing up yesterday.

- Then why did you do it?

And why did you
leave that message?

- It was a test.

- It was a test
of your manhood.

And you passed
with flying colors.

- You said you liked your
adopted Korean kids better.

- Oh, yeah.

Well, you know,
I don't have them anymore.

- You don't?

- No, it seemed like
a cool idea at the time,

but it was costing me
a shitload,

so I had to release them back
into the wild.

But that's why you are
so important to me, Clive.

That's why our relationship
is so important.

- Well then,
can I meet you for real?

- Yes.

Eventually. Eventually.

But right now,
I'm kind of busy with work.

- What do you do?
- What do I do?

- Ad exec trying to have kids?

- Jesus, what the fuck is it
with you with that--

I'm a soldier of fortune in
the Los Angeles underground.

- Whoa.

- Yeah, me and these
other crack commandos

fight injustice from our van.

- That's so cool.

- Yeah, if people
have a problem

and if no one else can help
and if you can find us,

maybe you can hire
me and my friends.

That's kind of like our slogan.

- Wow.
My dad has a van.

- Yeah, anyway, I'll keep
in touch and do good in school.

- [scoffs]
I suck at school.

I have a math test tomorrow
I'm probably going to fail.

- Oh, come on.

I bet you're smarter at math
than you think.

Like OK, like, if a bully beats
up 10 kids for their sexuality

and 20% of them
are in the choir

so they get extra beatings,
how many go to the hospital?

- Um, two.

- Guess what, Mr. I Can't?
You just did math.

I'll talk to you later.
[keypad beeps]

- I think we fixed it.

- Yeah, I think so too.

- I feel really good right now.

- I feel so good.
- We're good people.

- Yeah, if he kills himself
now, it's from other stuff.

[school bell ringing]

[chatter]

- Why were these burgers
just, like,

sitting in a tray of water?

- Yeah, I don't know why
they do that.

- Yeah, every time
it's burger day,

there they are,
just sitting in water.

- I don't know.
It seems normal.

Have the guys over, water up
some burgers, watch the game.

- Hey, you know what's weird?

- What?

- I've been, like,
thinking about Clive.

- Yeah, me too.
- You have?

- Yeah, like I've actually
been wondering

how he did on that test.

- Me too.
It's fucked up, right?

It's like I actually
give a shit about him.

- Johnny, look.

- I don't know why he hangs out
with those boys.

They're a bad influence.

- I think Coach Johnson...

- Holy shit.
I think that's his test.

Wait, don't look,
don't look, don't look now.

- What does it say?
- I don't know.

There's a grade on the front,
but I can't see it.

We got to get a closer look.

- That sounds really tough.

[chatter]

They know how to make corn
and they don't touch it.

- What the fuck do you want,
Bennett?

- Nothing. Nothing.
You know, I'm just--

I'm just--I'm just
walking around.

You know how I be.
- Yeah?

[laughter]

Eat a dick, asshole.

- C+.

- [gasps]
He passed.

- He passed.

- Oh, my God,
I knew he could do it.

Great job, buddy.

- Our little genius.

* *

- Matty, you can't
keep putting it off.

- Yes, I can.
It's my body.

- But the doctor said--

- I don't care what
the doctor says.

I don't care what
the doctor says.

I'm not doing it.

If you ask me one more time,
I'm going to stay at a motel.

- Matty, why are you
so resistant to a colonoscopy?

- Oh Christ, not you too.

- Look, I know it's scary
to think about

what they might find,
but early detection is--

- You think
I'm worried about cancer?

You get cancer,
you don't have to pay taxes.

- I don't think that's true.

- Not if liberals
have their way.

All I'm saying is,
get your cancer now.

- Look, cut the shit
and just tell me the truth.

Why won't you get
the colonoscopy?

- When they put you under,
you're not in control.

All right?

You can say some shit
and not even remember it.

I don't want to say stuff.

- Jesus.

There's things
you're not saying?

- I just--I don't want anybody
to find out my secrets.

- What secrets?

- I got secrets.

- OK, well,
what the fuck do you care

what some doctor
thinks of them?

- Doctors talk.
This is a small town.

I don't want to
ruin my reputation.

- You're banned
from Dunkin' Donuts.

Listen to me.
You got to do this. OK?

You catch colon cancer
too late, you're dead.

You'd be leaving John and Suze
on their own.

You really want to do that?

- All right.
I'll go in there.

- Great.

- But you got to go with me.

- To your colonoscopy?
- Yeah.

- Why?

- Because when
they drug me up,

if I start saying anything
about Vietnam,

you got to make a lot of noise.

- Why?
What happened in Viet--

- La, la, la, la, la, la, la!
Like that.

You got it?
- Mm-mm.

- No, you don't.
Let's practice.

It's me.
Here's the doctor.

Hey Doc, this one time
in Vietnam--

right, that's you.

- La, la, la, la.

- No, you got to be
louder and faster.

Come on. Again.
One time in Vietnam, Doc--

- La, la, la, la, la.
- Keep going.

One time in Vietnam.

Louder.

One time in Vietnam.
Keep going.

Keep going.
- I'm fucking trying.

- There was this
one time in Vietnam.

Keep going.

I'm about to spill my secrets!

- What is going on in here?

- I'll get the colonoscopy.

- You will?

Oh, thank God.

[laughs]

Oh, I feel like it's Christmas.

- I just want this family
to know that from here on out,

I'm going for
full-on alcoholism.

- Hey, am I crazy?

I kind of want to call Clive
and tell him he did good.

- I know.
Me too.

I mean, he obviously studied
so hard for that test.

- Yeah, he should know
his dad's proud of him.

- Yeah.

But, but, but, do we want
to send the message

that all we care about
is grades?

- Well, I mean, he can't
live up to our expectations

if we don't set any.

- Yeah, but I want him to
do well for him, not for us.

- Let's just call him.
- OK.

[keypad beeping]

[line trilling]

- Hello?

- Hey Clive.
It's your dad.

- Dad.
Hey, guess what?

I totally aced that test.

I got a C+.

- Well, how about that?

Good for you, champ.

That's great.

That's not really ace,
but wow, good job.

- Hey, I know
you're busy and all,

but my birthday's
coming up on Saturday

and I was wondering
if maybe I could see you.

- Ah, yeah, sorry pal,
I got a work thing.

- I just wish I could
meet you just once.

- I know.
Me too.

But it's an important mission.

We found a terrorist base
under the roller rink,

so we're going undercover
as coke dealers.

And if we find love along
the way, we'll take it.

- Oh.

- But hey,
maybe next year, huh?

- Yeah, sure.

- And great job on that test.

All right,
I'll talk to you later.

- Bye, Dad.
[line clicks]

- Man, I feel really bad
letting him down again.

- Yeah, we got to
make it up to him.

You know what?

His dad needs to send him
a really great birthday gift.

[bright music]

* *

Oh, what about this?

Sega Genesis.

- Yeah, I don't know.
- Why not?

- I'm just worried he's going
to spend all day in his room

instead of playing outside.

What about a baseball glove?

- He doesn't like
playing sports.

- Well, that doesn't mean
we shouldn't encourage it.

- Baseball's your dream,
not his.

- Oh, my fucking God.
- Look, it's his 17th birthday.

He'll be an adult soon.

We don't have many
of these left.

- I just feel like you're
always trying to spoil him.

You know, you can't
buy his affections.

- I am not trying to buy his--
- Yes, you are.

You're trying to
buy his affections

because you're never at home.
- You're too strict with him.

You always have been.

- Well, somebody has
to be the bad cop.

And frankly, I feel like
it's shitty of you

to always dump that on me.
- You know what?

None of this shit
matters anyway,

because we only got 20 bucks.
- Oh yeah, you're right.

What are we going to do?

- Where's the menswear?

OK, that's good.
Get ready.

OK, now turn right.
- This is so fucking stupid.

Why don't I just
wear the coat myself?

- Extra height, Johnny.

When you're tall,
people assume you're in charge.

Hey, why don't you go ahead and
take the rest of the day off?

- Wow, thank you,
tall supervisor.

- See?
- OK, which way am I going?

- All right, straight for a bit
then you're going to turn.

- Talk louder.
Your feet are blocking my ears.

- Hard left, hard left,
hard left!

- Jesus.
What the fuck was that?

- Go straight.
Just go straight.

- Well, fucking tell me
when I'm going to bump

into something--fucking A!
- Watch out!

- C'mon, you got to warn me.
- OK, it's good. It's good.

We're good for a minute.
- My head hurts.

- Oh, this is going
to be a problem.

Fuck, shit.
- The fuck is that?

- Don't go that way.
- Can I turn around?

- Oh shit.
[overlapping shouting]

Sideways.
- Which sideways?

- Go sideways.
[both yelp]

Excellent work.
You can take your lunch now.

- Look, we weren't even
stealing it for us. OK?

We were stealing it for a kid
who doesn't have a dad.

And that's not even
really shoplifting, right?

- [scoffs]
Nice try.

You boys are in
big time trouble.

I'm going to need your
parents' phone numbers.

- My parents are out of town.

- I don't have parents
on account of

I'm a Teddy bear
that came alive.

- All right, look,
it's really important to us

that we help this kid, OK?

Haven't you ever had something
that was just really,

really important to you,
something that you'd

do anything to make happen?

Like maybe you wanted to be the
best security guard in Boston.

- [scoffs]
No.

No, I never wanted to
be a security guard.

I really wanted to be an actor.

- Oh wow.

Oh, this just got
so much worse.

- Acting is my real passion.

When I was in my 20s,

I did this community
theater production on "Pippin."

And when the show ended,
I found out

that John Rubinstein
was in the audience.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh wow.

- Who was, of course,
the original Pippin.

- I was about to say.
- That's the guy.

That's the guy.

- Fucking God damn right
he was.

- And he actually came
backstage after the show

and he walked up to me
and I can still see his face

and he said,
I really enjoyed the show.

You were all wonderful.

I was like, oh, my God,
what a moment.

- Amazing.

I mean, it's amazing
just even hearing it.

I wasn't there, but just
hearing you talk about it.

- Yeah, it was him
in the flesh.

And to have
the kindness to say,

because obviously I was Pippin.

- Of course.
Yeah.

- Yeah, I mean you, Burt,

are not going to do "Pippin"
if you're not Pippin.

- To have the kindness to say,
you are all wonderful.

Because you see,
the rest of the cast

was right there with me.

So he couldn't really
single me out

because that would have been
dismissive to them.

- Oh yeah. You can't do that.
- Sure, sure, sure.

- But he gave me a look.

John Rubinstein gave me
a look and that look said,

you are on the stairway
to stardom.

- Oh, good Christ.

Wow, wow.
- That's what I said too.

Well, I guess life had
other plans for me.

But that's OK.

* Everything has its season *

* Everything has its time *

* Show me a reason *

* And I'll soon
show you a rhyme *

* Cats fit on the windowsill *

* Children fit in the snow *

* So why do I feel like
I don't fit in *

* Anywhere I go *

Oh, sorry.

Wow.

Wow, that felt fucking great.

Right?
- Yeah.

- Wow.

- Was that a moment
just then we had?

- Wait, that was a moment?
That was a real--

- I think it was.
- I couldn't even hear you.

Someone was playing
the original

cast recording of "Pippin."

- It's like a rope connected us
that only we saw the rope.

- All three of us.
All three of us.

We are one.
- Tighter and tighter...

- We were one organism
in that moment.

- My feet are tingling.
- Wow.

1,000 wows and more wows
on top of that.

I feel like this
was time well spent.

- Yeah, we got
a lot accomplished.

- Was it not?
both: Yeah.

- You guys--
you guys can go ahead.

- We're good to go, right?
- Absolutely.

- Thank you.
Thank you, man.

Really appreciate it.
This was wonderful.

- Yeah.

- We're all going to
go our separate ways,

but we'll take a piece
of today with us.

- Thanks for letting me sing.

- Jesus, that was
a fucking nightmare.

- You are telling me, Johnny.

This has got to stop.

- I know.
It's gotten out of control.

I mean, I care about
what happens to Clive,

but we're acting like
fucking lunatics.

- Raising Clive is not
our responsibility.

We got to tell him the truth.

[PA system chimes]

- * Everything has
its season *

* Everything has its time *

* We've got a very big sale
on aisle nine *

- It might be time to go.

- * Cats fit
on the windowsill *

* Children fit in the snow *

* *

- I don't like this.
This was a bad idea.

- Will you fucking relax?
It's going to be fine.

- You hear the word Vietnam,
you yell like the place

is burning down.
Do you understand me?

- Yes. Jesus Christ.
Calm down.

- Good morning, Mr. Bennett.

We are all set
to begin your procedure.

- Yeah, listen,
this is my niece.

She's going to be with me
in the room there.

- Oh, I'm afraid
that's not allowed.

- What do you fucking mean?

- It's against hospital policy.

- No, no, no, no.
No, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
You don't understand.

She's always with me for
every colonoscopy, right?

- Yes.

I love watching and
it's my half birthday today,

so treating myself.
[chuckles]

- Well, that's interesting,
but it's medical staff only.

I really am sorry.

- Give us a minute, OK?

- Get under the gurney.
- What?

- Hide under the gurney.
- I am not doing that.

- Blaire, you got to be
in the room in case I talk.

- Matty, these people
don't care about

your stupid goddamn secret, OK?

They're professionals.
They've heard everything.

- I don't trust them.

You don't become a butt doctor
unless you're into

some really weird shit.

Some of these guys,
it's sexual for them.

- This is not sexual for them.

- I'll give you $300.

- Seriously?
- You're always whining about

how expensive
your textbooks are.

300 bucks.

- You have lost
your fucking mind.

- Dr. Fisher to OR
prep room three.

Dr. Fisher,
OR prep room three.

* *

- All right, Mr. Bennett,

I need you to count backward
from 100.

- 100, 99, 98...

- All right, he's out.

- [laughing]
OK. Wow. What a weirdo.

Guy wanted his niece
to come in here with him.

- Oh, I heard that.
That's bizarre.

- Absolutely.

- Let's see what
he's working with here.

[all yelling and laughing]

- Oh, my God.
- Damn, look at that!

Hair on the tip.
That's a new one.

- Yuck.
His poor wife, huh?

- I was just thinking that.

- Guys, I got to be honest.
This is sexual for me.

* *

- Look, we just got
to tell him the truth.

- You know he's going
to kick our asses.

- Look, the key to not
getting hurt in a fight

is staying loose, like
a drunk guy in an accident.

That's why the Kennedys
are always fine

after they fuck up their cars.

Oh, hey Clive, can we--can we
talk to you for a second?

- What do you two
fucknuts want?

- Look, there's no
easy way to say this,

but, um, it's about your dad.

- What about my dad?

- Um, your dad, uh,

invited us
to your birthday party.

And he said he's
going to be there too

and we just wanted to say

we are so excited
just to be part of it.

- What are you talking about?

I'm not having a party.

He said he wasn't
going to be around.

- That's because
it's a surprise.

- Yeah.
- Oh no, I spoiled it!

- Oh, Teddy, oh!

- We weren't supposed
to say anything.

- Fuck.
- I knew it.

I knew he'd show up.

Oh, it's probably
going to be huge

if even you two losers
are invited.

Hell yeah.

[laughter]

- What the fuck
is wrong with you?

- I know, but did you see
the look in his eye?

He's like fucking
Charles Manson.

- What the fuck are
we supposed to do now?

He thinks his dad's showing up.
- I don't know.

We find somebody to be his dad.
- Well, fucking who?

- I don't know.
We find an actor or something.

- Ah, shit.

* *

- All right,
we got balloons, a cake.

Do you think he's too old
for a piñata?

- Yeah, I don't think
we want to put

a bat in his hands, Johnny.

- Oh yeah, good call.

- Oh.
How did it go?

- It was a living nightmare.

- Matty, how you feeling?

- Doc says
I'm clean as a whistle.

Nothing to worry about.

- That's not all
the doctor said.

- What do you mean?

- It was the most disgusting
thing I've ever heard.

- Blaire, what happened?

- Matty made me go into the
operating room with him, so--

- Blaire, what the hell?

- To shut him up
if the drugs made him

say some shit about Vietnam.

- You're not getting
those 300 bucks!

- I don't care.
This has to end.

Nothing is worth what
I went through today.

Do you know where
they put the wand

when they're done with it?
I do.

- What secret?
What is she talking about?

- Forget it, Susan.
- No, Matty, this is insane.

You have to talk
about it and move on,

because I am not
fucking doing that again

in five years.
- Just drop it!

- What'd you do?
Desert your platoon?

Go AWOL?

Did you accidentally
shoot Bob Hope?

What?
- I wish.

I could live with that.

- Whatever it is,
I'm sure we'll understand.

- No, you won't.
This was war.

- For Christ's sake, Matty,
we're your family.

Just fucking tell us.

- I jacked off a dog!

- What the fuck?

- Oh, my God.

- You guys said
you'd understand.

- That was before we knew
how fucked up it was.

- You've never been to war.
Things happen.

- Not that. No.

Why the fuck would you
jack off a dog?

- Whose dog was it?

- My platoon was camped
in the jungle

about two clicks south
of the Do Lung Bridge.

Our dog Scout was with us...

[chuckles]
Chewing on some dinner scraps.

My buddy Donny and I were
about to start the night watch

when we noticed...
Scout had an erection.

- Well, you were very
handsome back then.

- Just let me do this, Susan.

We waited for it to go away
on its own, but it didn't.

It was obviously stuck.

Now, that could be
dangerous for a dog,

especially in the jungle--
it gets infected.

He could have died.

We didn't have a medic with us.
I had to do something.

I tried to ease it back in,

but it popped out.

So I tried again.

No good.

Time was running out.

Let me tell you,
that dog had sniffed out

more landmines
than I could count.

He had saved all of our lives,
so I had to keep trying.

And that's when it happened.

He made a noise like a bark,
but happier.

Then he went back to his food.

Donny and I didn't
make eye contact

for the rest of the war.

For God's sake,
somebody say something.

- You soldiers gave so much.

- I-I think you did
the right thing.

Very heroic.

- Yeah.

Great job, Dad.

- You did it there so we
didn't have to do it here.

- Stand down, soldier.

* *

[radio channels tuning]

- All right, testing, testing,
one, two, three.

- Yeah, I can hear you.
Oh, that's neat.

- Yeah, I paid off
a techie at school.

Just remember to keep
the other one on

so we can hear you and Clive.

- OK, so we're going
to be feeding you

what to say as we go along,
and if there's--

- Right, right.

If you could not give me
specific line readings,

that would be great.
- What?

- Yeah, just, you know, tell me
what you want to communicate

and then I will interpret it
as an actor.

- You know, I was going to get
a coffee cart for the set,

but now forget it.

- Oh, tell me something.

Where am I coming from?
- Huh?

- Like just before
I meet Clive, where was I?

- You were right fucking here
talking to us.

- No, no, no.
No, not me.

The character.
Where was the character?

It'll affect
how I play the scene.

- He was playing Pippin
on Broadway.

- No, no.

He was at home, grieving over
his wife's miscarriage.

- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, I like that.
You're good.

You should get
into the business.

- The fuck is wrong with you?
- What?

We'll get one like this and
then we'll try it your way.

All right?
Jesus fucking Christ.

- Yeah, in case anyone else
needs a drink too.

What the hell are you
talking about, Derek?

- Clive?

- Dad?

Is that you?

- It's me, son.

I've returned.

[chuckles]

- Oh, Dad, I can't believe
it's really you.

- OK, that's good.
Now tell him you can't stay.

You've got an important
mission back in LA.

There's a sniper
trying to take out

the world's top surfers
in Malibu.

- I can't stay long.

My wife and I have suffered
a personal tragedy

and she needs me at home.

- See? It plays great.
- Shut up.

- I have a stepmom?

What's her name?
- Catherine.

She's a widowed farm owner
and she's hired me

as a farmhand at her estate.

- Is that--
- Is he--

- Is that "Pippin?"
- He's doing "Pippin."

Is he fucking doing "Pippin?"
- He's fucking doing "Pippin."

God damn it, no "Pippin!"

- But I thought you were
a soldier of fortune.

- You're blowing this,
you motherfucker.

- * Sitting on the floor
and talking till dawn *

* Candles and confidences *

- Clive's going to beat
the shit out of him.

- * Trading old beliefs
and humming old songs *

[laughs]

- Clive.
- Mom.

- Oh, shit.
- Oh, my God.

- What's going on?
What is all this?

- Mom, what are you doing here?

- Jeff Driscoll's mother
told me you're having

a party out here in the park.

Why didn't you tell me?

- Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

- Mom, look.

Dad's here.

- Abort, abort,
get the fuck out of there.

- What are you talking about?

That's not your dad.

- Say that's not your mother.

- I hate giving
other actors notes,

but I feel like
you've come in so hot,

you're not giving yourself
anywhere to go.

- Who the hell are you?

- OK.
I can't work like this.

Let me guess, she's the
producer's girlfriend.

Bullshit.
- Hang on, Mom, I'll be back.

- That was a good note
I gave her too.

- Hey.
- I'm in way over the top.

- Hey.

What the fuck is going on here?

Are you not really my dad?
- No.

These two guys paid me to come
here and play your father.

But let me tell you something.

This is the most shoddy,
disorganized production

I have ever been a part of.

John Rubinstein would
never stand for this,

and neither will I.

- Oh, fucking cock fuck.

- Is this some kind of
fucking joke?

- Oh, shit.

- Oh God, wait, wait.
Hang on, hang on.

- Clive, Clive, just listen.
OK?

- You motherfucker!

You think you can fuck
with my head and live?

I am about to beat
the face off of you.

You're dead, both of you.
You're fucking dead.

- Ah!

- Clive, Clive, just wait
one minute, all right?

Before you kill us,
just hear us out.

Look, I'm sorry we lied
and said we were your dad.

But think about it.

What is a dad?

It's someone
who believes in you,

someone who roots for you
to do your best,

and who's proud of you
when you work hard and you win.

- We did that.

- What do you mean?

- We told you you could pass
that math test and you did it.

Didn't that feel good?

And when you got that B-,
I mean, what an improvement.

We were there pulling for you.

We were encouraging you
to reach your full potential.

- We did all that.

And didn't it feel good?

Didn't you feel good
about yourself?

- Yeah, I-I did.

- You've really
turned things around.

Your grades are better.
You're smiling more.

- I am?

- All the guys in woodshop
are saying so.

- I've been thinking about
taking guitar lessons.

- You hear that?

He's thinking about
taking guitar lessons.

- Well, that's fantastic.

- Hey, we're going to be
at every recital.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

We are not going anywhere.

- Bring it in here.

- [crying]

- We are so fucking proud
of you, buddy.

- There you go.

Oh, OK, easy there.

Easy there, Lenny.

Don't kill the rabbit.

OK.

Hey, what do you say
we have some cake?

- Yeah.
- And something healthy.

- All right, don't undermine me
in front of him.

- Come on, let's go.

[laughs]

- * And the cat's in the
cradle and the silver spoon *

* Little boy blue
and the man on the moon *

- I think we should try
for another.

- * But we'll get together
then *

* You know we'll have
a good time then *

[Harry Chapin's
"Cat's in the Cradle"]

* *

* My son turned ten
just the other day *

* He said thanks
for the ball, Dad *

* Come on, let's play *

* Can you teach me to throw *

* I said, not today *

* I got a lot to do *

* He said, that's OK *

* And he walked away *

* But his smile never dimmed *

* And said,
I'm going to be like him *

* Yeah, you know
I'm going to be like him *

* And the cat's in the
cradle and the silver spoon *

* Little boy blue
and the man on the moon *

* When you coming home, Dad *

* I don't know when *

* But we'll get together
then *

* You know we'll have
a good time then *

* *

* Well, he came from college
just the other day *