All language subtitles for Ted.S01E01.720p.WEBRip.x265-PROTON

narrator: In 1985,
little John Bennett

wished on a shooting star

that his teddy bear
would come to life.

Magically, it happened.

Ted was an instant,
worldwide phenomenon.

But now, it's 1993.

And like every phenomenon,

eventually,
nobody gives a shit.

[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]

* *

- * My words are lazy *

* My thoughts are hazy *

* But this is one thing
I'm sure of *

* Everybody needs
a best friend *

* I'm happy I'm yours *

[upbeat jazz music]

* *

[glitchy music playing]

- Fuck, it's not working.
Here, let me try something,

- You got to blow on it.

- That's what I'm doing.
[blowing]

- No, no, you got to
like really blow on it.

Here.

[blowing harder]

- Wow, you are going to make
some guy very happy one day.

- Fuck off.

- Try it again
with eye contact.

- Fuck you, man.

See if it works.

[upbeat electronic playing]

both: Hey!

- All right, Mushroom Kingdom.

- Anybody seen my car keys?

- Yeah, they were on the floor.

Dad stepped on them
and got mad.

- What'd he do with 'em?

- Think he threw 'em.

- Shit.

- Hey, are Mario and Luigi
supposed to be midgets?

- What do you mean?

- They're wicked short.

Like, is it part
of their character

that they're midgets, or is--

- Jesus Christ. Seriously?

- What?

- Little people.

- Yeah, that's why I'm asking.

Are they supposed
to be midgets?

- You don't say "midget."
You say "little people."

"Midget" is rude.
- Why is it rude?

- Because it just is.
It's a fucked-up word.

I mean, how would you like it
if you were a little person

and someone called you that?

- Well, I mean, technically--

- That's not the same.
- Why not?

- You're a teddy bear.

- So what?
Doesn't matter.

Yeah, yeah, you know what?
I ama midget.

And I will thank you
not to tell ourcommunity

how to use ourword.

- Well done, Teddy.

- Thank you.

[owl hooting]

Susan, just say it once.

- Nope.
- Just one time.

- No.
- She's not going to do it.

- Come on, just one "fuck."

- No, she doesn't
want to go to hell.

- Come on, Susan.

- I can express myself
without that kind of language.

Thank you.
- Come on, we got a bet going.

Just one time.
- What's the bet?

- Oh, that Ted can
get Mom to swear.

- Oh, wow, so fucking adult.

- Hey, we're at dinner.

- Just say "shit."

- Shoot.

- Just give us the finger.

- There's your finger.

- Say "Polack."

- Ted, really?

- It's not a race.
You can say it.

- Yeah, it's just
a bunch of guys.

- OK, just eat your supper,
fellas.

- She's not going to swear,
man.

I win.
- Ah, fuck.

- Pay up.

[Ted groans softly]
Thank you.

Wait, you're not wearing pants.
Where'd you get this?

- Don't you worry about where
I'm keeping stuff.

- Matty, honey,
that's your fourth beer.

- Yeah, I had a shit day.

- Yeah,
four is like a Boston one.

He's OK.

- I'm sorry your day was hard,
honey.

- Yeah, well,
sorry doesn't fix the car.

- What happened to the car,
Dad?

- Whole rear fender
got smashed.

- Well, how bad is it?

- It's going to be at least
400 bucks.

- Who hit it?
- I didn't see.

But I was parked outside
the Hong Kong buffet, so...

[chuckles]
Do the math.

- I'm sorry, what?

- I'm just saying.

- Wow, that is such
complete bullshit.

- Hey, we're at dinner.

- It's a bullshit stereotype.

- Tell that to my car.

- Swear to God,

this whole household
is so goddamn backward.

Ted has used two derogatory
terms this afternoon.

And then there you go

topping it off
with that ignorant comment.

- I said "midget."
What was the other one?

- Yeah, I don't know.

- You're living in my house
with my family,

eating our food,
and drinking our milk.

Tough shit
if you don't like it.

- That's just--that's great.

I'm so glad you don't count me

as a member of the family,
Uncle Matty.

- Maybe "Polack"?

- No, couldn't be that.
That one's fine.

- Blaire, you are absolutely
a member of this family.

Matty, tell her you're sorry.

- Of course he won't.

Because if he did,
he'd be admitting I'm right,

which would also be admitting
he is a classic Boston racist.

- I'm not a racist!

My favorite movie is "Rocky."

- How the fuck does that
make you not racist?

- Uh,
Apollo Creed is in the movie.

- So?

- So he's a Black guy who
wins against a white guy.

- Oh, my God.

- I mean, it's assuming
you count Italians as whites,

which I mostly do.

Of course, they weren't white
up until the 1960s.

They got a big bump
after Korea.

And it wasn't so much
they got more white,

the Cubans got more Black,
but I was OK with that too.

- Isn't this the toast

that got you kicked out
of Ronny's wedding?

- Again, I was explaining

why it was OK that
he married an Italian.

- Jesus Christ.

You are literally
proving my point.

You are a raging
fuckin' racist.

- Hey, we're at dinner.

- Well, in fairness, Blaire,
you can be racist too.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

- No, I'm not.

- Do you remember when
you were a little girl?

You used to cut the hair
off your Barbies?

- Yes?

- You used to cut the
Black Barbie's hair off first

to see how it looked.

- Oh, come on.
Are you serious with that?

- And then if you liked it,

then you'd cut
the white Barbie's hair.

So you're a little racist too,
Blaire.

- Wow, that is weirdly
so much more damning

than anything else today.

- And it started when
she was very young too.

- Are you guys
for fucking real right now?

- I mean, that is some sick
Nazi doctor shit right there.

- Did you?

- What?

- Did you cut
the Black Barbie's hair first?

- Fine, yes, OK, I cut the
Black Barbie's hair, yes.

I was eight years old, OK?

I didn't fucking
know any better.

- What was
the Black Barbie's name?

- I don't remember.
- Oh, it gets even worse!

- Oh, my God, she can't remember
the Black Barbie's name.

- But I still love
both Barbies equally.

- And separately?
- Yeah, yeah.

What was the water fountain
situation like

at the Dream House?
- Yeah, was there like

a special entrance
for the Black Barbie?

- Look--
- Oh.

Did you call it
the "I Have a Dream House"?

- A-ha!
- OK, I was a fucking child.

All right?
At least I have that excuse.

You guys are adults.

You know what the problem is?

Education.

There is a complete lack
of education in this family.

- That's not true.
I go to school.

- I'm taking a pottery class.

- What about Ted? Hmm?

He's never had
a day of education in his life,

and it shows,
using words like "Polack."

- Oh, it was "Polack."

- The teacher says
my ashtray shows promise.

- You should be going to school
every day with John.

You'd learn something.

And maybe you wouldn't make
all these ignorant comments.

- Uh, yeah, no thanks.

- Why not?

- Because.

TV.

- [sighs]
Aunt Suze, help me out.

- Well, Ted,
you might have fun.

- Mm-hmm.

- And I'm sure John would love
to have you there.

- No, no, I would not have fun.

And "The Price is Right" is on
at 10:00 a.m.

and I'd miss Plinko

and Johnny respects me too much
to want me to do that.

- I do.
I respect him.

He tells me all about Plinko
when I get home.

- That is such a cop-out.

- Look, I guard the house
when you guys are out.

- [scoffs] You do not.

- Yeah, I do.
- How?

If somebody broke in,
what would you do?

- I--I would tell him all the
good stuff's in the backyard

and then I'd lock the door
behind him.

- This is pointless.
I have plans with Sarah.

- Oh, Plinko was wonderful
today.

- Plinko is the best
"Price is Right" game.

- It is.

We live in such special times.

[upbeat jazz music]

* *

- $1,000 total thus far.

- Oh, God.
- Third one is...

- Oh, God.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck.

Yes! Ah!
Oh, my God!

[cheers and applause]
I want to tell somebody.

No, it's OK.
It's all right.

This will be my moment.

[switch clicks]
[Ted sighs]

All right, another day
with the house to myself.

What's fun?

What's fun? What's fun?
What's fun? What's fun?

[gasps]

Oh, let's see if we can find
where Matty hides his porn.

Jesus, he's got nothing?

25 years of marriage
and no porn,

I'd put a bullet in my head.

Oh, here we go.

Oh, talk about
the right to bear arms.

[chuckles]
Bear arms bearing arms, right?

[laughs] Oh, man, everybody's
missing all this great stuff.

Oh, wait. Oh, I know
what to do with this.

[gun cocks]

[laughs]
Awesome!

Oh, I am so glad
I tried this at home.

- What the hell was that?

- Oh, it's OK, Mrs. Fechko.

I'm just doing
a science experiment.

- Is that a gun?

- I mean, that's one function
of it, yeah.

- Well,
what are you shooting at?

- Nothing.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

- All right.

Oops!
[groans]

[gunshot]

[dog barking in the distance]

Ah, fuck.

[beer can rattles]

- The Russian boxer has
all this technology, right?

But Rocky's way up
in the mountains.

And all he's got is,
like, logs and shit.

So it's wicked uneven
because the Russians

have machines for, like,
every part of Drago's body.

But you know what part
they don't have a machine for?

This guy, right here.

Aw, you should have seen it.

- I'm sure I still can.
It sounds like they filmed it.

- I don't know how we started
talking about abortion

and ended up here.

- I don't have to pick you up
tomorrow, right?

- No, I got the rental.

What the fuck?

[women giggling]

- Aw.
[laughter]

- Oh. Hey, Matty.
Hey, Blaire.

- What the fuck is this?

- Oh, this is Cupcake, Peaches,

and Beef Stroganoff.

- Hi.

- What happened to the TV?

- Oh, I accidentally shot it.

- You shot it?

- Yeah, and I felt
really bad about it.

And then I was like,
"Hey, Ted, it was an accident.

"Stop being so hard
on yourself.

"It's bad enough
that it happened.

You feeling bad's
not going to fix it."

So I called these ladies

because I was trying
to make myself feel better.

And I do. I feel better.
[women giggle]

- See, this is the kind of shit

that wouldn't happen
if he was in school.

- Wait, what?

- You're going to school.

- Wait, hang on.
That is a serious overreaction.

- You're going to school,

and you're going to grow
a fucking brain!

- Oh, come on!

- I think brains are sexy.

- Shut up, Beef.

[owl hooting]

- Hey, Johnny, you awake?

- Yeah.

I was just jerking off.

- What?

- [laughs]
Relax, I'm fucking with you.

- Holy Jesus.

Wait, you're--
you don't do that

when I'm in the room, right?

- No.

Not usually.
I mean, if you're asleep.

- Oh, shit, that's why I had
the Spanish galleon dream.

- What?

- I had a dream the other night

that I was rowing
on a Spanish slave ship.

And the guy on the drums was
pounding faster and faster.

And so I escaped
by jumping out a window,

and I swam to a desert island.

And when I came ashore,

there you were jerking off.

That's probably why
I had that dream.

- OK, goodnight.

- Johnny, how bad
is school going to suck?

- You're not going to like it.

- How bad?

- You ever drink orange juice
after brushing your teeth?

- Yeah.

- Well, it's like

getting your nuts
smashed together so hard,

they become just one nut.

- Holy shit.
And that's every day?

- That's every single day.

But if you die
in a drunk driving accident,

you get a whole page
in the yearbook.

- Not quite "Goodnight Moon,"

but I'll see you
in the morning.

[upbeat jazz music]

* *

This sucks.

We got to lug these things
around all day?

- Yeah, pretty much.

- We look stupid.
- Nah, we're fine.

- We look like suicide bombers
having second thoughts.

- Shut the fuck up.

You can't joke about bombs
here.

- [sighs]
Now let me ask you something.

You ever get self-conscious

being the only white guy
at your school?

- I dunno,
we live in a Boston suburb.

Oh, last year,
we had an Indian kid.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, but they got him.

- What does that mean?

- I liked him too.

- What do you mean
"they got him"?

- He used to share
his Dunkaroos.

Good guy.
- Fuck this, Johnny.

You know what?
I'm going to get expelled.

- For what?

- I don't know yet.
I'll come up with something.

- Wait, you're going to try
and get kicked out?

- It's the only way.
I'm missing "Card Sharks."

[indistinct chatter]

- [gasps softly]
Dude, look.

There she is.

- What?

- Look.

- Holy shit, who is that?

- Bethany's sister.

She goes to Emerson.
Hottest chick on the planet.

- Jesus, what's her name?

- Sheila.

- What? No.
- Yep.

- Sheila?
- Uh-huh.

- What the fuck kind of
malevolent God would do that?

- Yeah, it's like her parents
knew she was going to be hot,

and they wanted
to level the field.

- Think fast, Bennett!

[laughter]
- Nice!

- Fuck.
- Hey, dork.

What the fuck you got here?

You're bringing your dolls
to school?

- Hey, fuck you, Clive.

Oh, God, you motherfucker.

- Who the hell is this guy?
- This is Clive.

- Nice teddy bear, Bennett.

You got your blankie too? Ooh.
[bullies laughing]

You must be going full gay
on us, huh?

I always knew you were
a big queer.

- You know, I don't want
to speculate on who's gay,

but didn't you just
touch his penis twice?

Hey, listen, man,
it's nothing to be ashamed of.

It's the '90s.
Times are changing.

Hey, anybody else here gay?

How is it?

- It's great.
- It's the fucking tits.

- See? There you go.
The reviews are in.

- You're still a fucking dork.

[grunts]
- [laughing] Hey, what a dorko.

- Let's go.
[bully laughs]

- Hey, you know what, Teddy?

I think I'm really glad
you're here.

- Yeah, thanks.

I'm still going
to get kicked out.

- I know.

- From 1814 to 1815,
following the writing

of "Childe Harold's
Pilgrimage,"

Lord Byron was the toast
of Regency London.

During this period, he wrote
"The Siege of Corinth,"

"The Bride of Abydos,"
and what else?

- Amanda.
- "Terracina."

- Yes.
Someone did the homework.

Very good.

- I think this guy's lost
40 hairs since class started.

- It's weird, right?

It's like
they're not falling out.

They're jumping out.
[Ted laughs]

- Ted.
- Yes?

- Can you complete this verse?

"She walks in beauty, like
the night of cloudless climes

"and starry skies.

And all that's best
of dark and bright..."

- Your wife is
fucking other guys.

[laughter]

- [chuckles softly]

[sniffles softly]

You think you're funny,
but you know what?

Joke's on you, smart guy,

because my wife and I are
having problems.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- I'm sorry to hear that.

- Oh, thank you.

Um, my wife had
an affair last year.

And we've both tried
to recover,

but fact is, neither one of us
has been able to forget it.

So I come in here every day
acting like my life is great

when, in reality,
it's a train wreck.

My own son
doesn't respect his father,

so joke's on you, funny man.

- Not really quite sure
how the joke's on me,

but--
- Who's laughing now?

- I mean,
I think I still am, but--

- Life comes with
a lot of pain, kids.

So better you learn
that right now

and develop some nice, hard
calluses over your feelings.

My daughter is having
a pregnancy scare.

Anyone want to talk about that?

Well, we're gonna
talk about it!

Her last period
was five weeks ago!

I know this because

I'm the only one in the house
who buys tampons.

- Yeah, I don't think you're
going to break Mr. George.

He's already too messed up.

- Yeah, I see that.

- So what are you going to do?

How are you going
to get kicked out?

[indistinct chatter]

- Better put some
more franks on.

- All right.

[indistinct chatter]

- I'm the king of the wieners!

- [screams]

[Ted laughs]

[crying]

- Ted Bennett, please report
to the principal's office.

Well, don't mind if I do.

- Ted, do you know where
my last job was?

- Um, were you
on "Night Court"?

- [chuckles sarcastically] No.

I was principal
at Dorchester High.

- Oh, shit.

Wait, isn't their mascot
just a guy with a knife?

- Technically,
Stabbers was a pirate.

But yes, it was a little rough.

- I heard there
was one girl there

who was only eight years older
than her own granddaughter.

- I'm afraid that's true.

- Well, how'd that work?

- Oh, it involved the
International Date Line.

But the point is

I watched a lot
of students stumble

and drift through the system
to come out on the other side

without any real education.

Some of them did what
you're doing--

testing the boundaries,
rebelling,

hoping to get cut loose.

- OK.

- Well, I'm not going to let
the same thing happen here.

- Love that.
Don't like where this is going.

- You're going
to be an example.

I'm not going to suspend you
or anything else.

We are going to make a
successful student out of you.

- Now hang on a second--

- And you're
the perfect choice.

So if you want to act up again,
just know if you do,

it's not going to
change your situation.

- Oh, man, are you sure
I'm the right guy?

There's a fat kid who
likes to touch dicks.

- You're late for class.

[bell rings]

[upbeat jazz music]

- Maybe I could just tell
Matty to go fuck himself.

- No way, dude,
my dad's a sadist.

He thought Vietnam was fun.

- Jesus, really?

- Yeah, he cried when
the helicopters came

to pick him up.

You don't want
to piss him off, man.

He'll kick you
out of the house.

You'll starve.

- What the hell kind
of fucked-up wish

makes it so your teddy bear
comes to life,

but he's still got to eat?

[engine rumbling]

- Oh, man, there she is.

- Yeah, we got practice
in a half hour.

[indistinct chatter]

- Did you see that?

- What?
- That was a joint.

- Oh, shit.

- Teddy, that's your ticket
out of here.

- What?
What do you mean?

- You get caught with drugs
in school, you're gone.

It's like zero tolerance here.

- Oh, fuck, wow.

- Hey, you ever smoked weed?

- No.
- Yeah, me neither.

- Really?
The whole time you were famous?

- Yeah, I was afraid
my fur would catch on fire.

I got no flame retardant.

- All right, well, anyway,
you don't got to smoke it.

You just got to get caught
with it.

- Well, fuck,
let's go talk to her.

- You fucking kidding me?

I'm not going to talk
to Sheila Borgwat.

- Borgwat? Fucking God,
it just keeps getting worse.

- No way, man. No, no.
I'm not going over there.

- Come on, Johnny,
you're not asking her out.

You're just asking her
for drugs.

You said you stare at her
every day.

This is the perfect excuse
to go talk to her.

- No, man.
I got you this far, you do it.

- If you don't come with me,

I will tell her you masturbate
to network television.

- You motherfucker.

- I will tell her you watch
"Full House"

so you can jerk off
to Lori Loughlin,

but that you can't always
predict how long the scene is,

so half the time, you ejaculate
to an establishing shot.

- You wouldn't.

- Oh, Lori, oh, Lori!

Oh, Lor--oh, fuck,
a tasteful duplex.

[indistinct chatter]

- Excuse me.

Hi.
Uh, hi, I'm uh--

I'm John Bennett.

- Hi there.

Ooh, you just,
uh, wash your hands?

- Uh, yeah, just when I--
you know, a while ago, not now.

[chuckles nervously]

I had diarrhea.

- Hi, I'm Ted.

- I'm Sheila.

- Oh, let's not ruin things.

- Hey, listen,
we couldn't help but notice

you were smoking a little pot.

- Yeah, midterms, you know?

What, are you going
to narc on me?

- Oh, we're not judging.
- No, absolutely not.

- No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no,

Teddy and I often partake of...

el bowl.

- And the pot inside it, uh...

cha-cha-cha.

- It wasn't much diarrhea.

- Can we have drugs, please?

- [chuckles] Sorry?

- We're just--
we're looking to get some weed.

We thought maybe
you could help us out.

- Yeah, uh,
how old are you again?

- 16 1/2.

- Oof.

Yeah, sorry, bro,
that's not going to happen.

- It's not for him.
It's for me.

Look, I get why you can't
give a high school kid pot.

But talking teddy bears
are all good, right?

We all take drugs.

The fucking Care Bears
are all meth addicts,

Paddington's on Quaaludes,
and Fozzie's a cokehead.

You know he was in the room
when John Belushi died?

- Look,
I can't help you guys out.

But if you want, I can hook
you up with my connection.

- Oh, that would be wonderful.

And might I say, you are a
very beautiful woman, Shelly--

- Sheila.

- Oh, God, I know.

[upbeat jazz music]

* *

All right, this is it.

- All right, this is
my allowance for the month.

If Dad asks where it went,

we bought tickets to see
"Schindler's List."

- What do you mean?
That's only like 8 bucks.

- Shit, you're right.

Well, what did we do
with the rest?

- Uh, we were so moved that
we donated it to Jew causes.

- That is so nice of us.

Maybe we should
actually do that.

- What, are you fucking crazy?

Get your head in the game.
We got drugs to buy.

- Shit, sorry.

Just be careful in there, OK?

I hear some of these dealers
can be sketchy.

Just don't get shot, buddy.

- Will you relax? I'll be fine.
I'll see you in a few.

[baby crying]

[dog barking]

[Ted knocks at door]

Hi, I'm here for the weed--

- No fucking way.

- Ted, what the hell
are you doing here?

- It's you?
- Who gave you this address?

- Fucking Blaire sells pot?

- Jesus Christ.
Lower your voice.

Get inside.
- [laughing]

Oh, un-fucking believable.

- The fuck do you want?

- Wait, so I can't say midget,
but you can sell drugs?

- What's with all the noise?

Who's this?

- This is Ted.

Ted, this is my friend, Sarah.

- Oh, yeah.
Blaire mentioned you.

You're that teddy bear that
came to life back in the '80s.

- Well, yeah, but I've done
other stuff since then.

- Like what?

- Um, I was the stand-in for
Ben Stiller in "Fresh Horses."

- Oh.

- Not a tall man.

Um, hey, how come
you're selling weed anyway?

- Sarah and I grow it here
in her apartment,

and we're using the money
to help pay for tuition.

Ted, listen to me.

You cannot tell Uncle Matty
and Aunt Suze, all right?

They will kick me out
of the fucking house.

It's hard enough
to pay for school.

I can't afford
a higher rent too.

- Wait.
Matty charges you rent?

- Not as much as I pay
for an apartment,

but still, 200 bucks a month.

- For that crappy room
over the garage?

Jesus, Anne Frank wouldn't
be caught dead in that place.

I'm allowed to make that joke.

Johnny and I donate
to Jew causes.

- OK, well,
I still need the room,

so you cannot
say a fucking word.

- Hey, look, man,
I'm not here to bust anybody.

I just want the ganja.

- You've never smoked before,
have you?

- What are you--
what are you talking about?

Yeah, I have.
I do lots of drugs.

- Yeah?
Like what?

- I'm on coke right now.
See?

Grr! Oh, I'm so coked up
I just wanna write a novel

and punch everything!

Ow! Ow!

Ah, just kidding.

Doesn't hurt
'cause on account of the coke.

- Bullshit.

- I don't know what
I'm talking about.

Please, can I have marijuana?

- [sighs]
Fine. You got cash?

- No. Wait. Sarah, we're--
we're not selling him pot.

- Why not?
- Yeah, why not?

- Uh, are you
fucking high already?

Your best friend,
my little cousin,

is 16 years old.

I'm not gonna enable him.

- Well, I'm not either.

I'm not even gonna tell him
I have it.

It's for me, Blaire.
I swear to God.

When have I ever lied to you?

- Like ten seconds ago when
you said you were on coke.

- Well, yeah. But since then,
I've given it to you straight.

- Look, Blaire.
We need the money.

Why not just do it?

- That's right, Blaire.

You need the money,
I need this.

Look, do you have any idea
what it's like

to be the biggest star
in the world

and then nobody
gives a shit about you?

I'm friggin' Kirk Cameron.

I gotta escape my demons,

and it's either drugs
or the church.

You know what they do
to guys my size?

Oh, please, don't make me
suck a deacon's dick!

[soft dramatic jazz music]

- We should smoke it.

- Wait, what?

Johnny, this is my
ticket out of school.

- Yeah, I know.
I mean, not--not all of it.

Just, you know, we smoke some
and save some for the plan.

- Well, Johnny, I--I promised
Blaire it was just for me.

- Teddy, think about it,
all right?

I bet I'm the only kid
in school who hasn't smoked.

I haven't smoked.
I haven't had sex.

I haven't had a girlfriend.

Clive's right.
I'm a fucking loser.

I mean, you're like
my only real friend,

and we're sitting here
with real pot.

It's here in person.

This could be the day
I start being cool.

- Yeah, today is the day you
told a girl you had diarrhea.

Don't put too much weight
on today.

Wait. Hang on, hang on.
- What?

- Well, you and me
have been best friends

like our whole lives.

We're about to get high
together for the first time.

- Yeah, so?

- Let's do this right.

[formal drumbeat]

[upbeat jazz music]

* *

- Should we say grace?

- Oh, yeah, good idea.

Hello, God.

It's me, Ted,
one of your weirder creations.

Sorry about what I said today.

Not that your deacons
aren't attractive,

but I'm saving my mouth
for marriage.

Let us not be so high that
we have to call an ambulance.

Amen.

- Amen.

OK.

Let there be light.

[War's "Low Rider"]

* *

[upbeat funky music]

* *

- * All my friends
know the low rider *

* *

* The low rider
is a little higher *

* *

[both vocalizing poorly]

- Yeah.

[both vocalizing poorly]

- Hell yeah, man.

[both vocalizing poorly]

- I was so fucking hungry.

- I was so hungry too.
- Mm-hmm.

- It's so weird.

You know,
this is like the perfect food

for the perfect night.

- Yeah, like who invented food?
That guy rocks.

- Well, if I knew you guys were
going to get so gussied up,

I would have made
something fancier.

- No, Mom.
This is perfect.

These are perfect Steak-Umms.

- The perfect Steak-Umm.

It's right here.
Just--just feel it.

[sighs]

- I can feel your love
in this, Ma.

- I'm so happy
you love it so much.

- Jesus,
you guys are acting like

it's today's special
at Legal Sea Food.

It's fine.

- I think it's delicious, Suze.

- Can you guys believe

that we're just, like,
we're sitting here,

and we're, like,
having an experience

and experiencing reality
all at once.

- Hey, Susan.

Susan, I just wanna say
you have found your haircut.

- What, you think so?

- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

You could ride this to 70,
and you'd be fine.

- Well, I just took a picture
of Tipper Gore into the salon,

and I said, now,
I know it can't be like that,

but try to get it
as close as you can.

And so well, uh--

- Tipper Gore should
bring in a picture of you.

- Stop it.

[laughing]
This night.

- Is there a fucking gas leak
or something?

- It's funny.

I ate all those Steak-Umms,
and I'm still hungry.

- Oh, fuck.
These are so good.

- So good.

- And look at the
intricate carvings.

- Yeah.

Yeah, is this
some Illuminati shit?

- That's what I've heard.

Like, if you can decipher
what's on an Oreo,

you can know the mind of God.

- I heard no two Oreos
are alike.

- Hey.

What a great conversation.

- I fucking knew it.

- Oh, shit!
- Hi, Blaire.

- You guys are stoned.

- Look, Blaire, Blaire,
it's a little more complicated.

- No, you fucking swore
it was just for you.

- All right.
OK.

I didn't wanna have
to resort to this.

[squeaky voice]
I love you.

See? Now you're not
mad at me anymore.

- And fuck you, by the way.

I've been trying for two weeks

to get Susan to fix
that haircut.

- Blaire, listen.
It's my fault.

He tried to say no,
and I pressured him.

- No, no, no.
You're 16, all right?

He's a talking teddy bear.
It's his fucking fault.

- OK, look, look, look.
I think if we all just take

a couple of deep breaths here
and just try--

- Fuck!

Ted?

Come on, where the hell are you?
I just want to talk.

- Yeah, bullshit!

- How the hell did
you get up there?

- Climbed the drainpipe.

- OK, well,
why don't you come on down here

and we can discuss
the situation?

- No, 'cause you're
gonna come at me.

- I-I'm not.
I promise.

- It wasn't my fault.

- Oh, my God, your boy,
he's on the roof!

- It's all right, Mrs. Fechko.

- I'll call
the fire department!

- That's really not necessary.

- But your son,
he's gonna fall!

- He's not.

Yeah, there's a lot here

you're not understanding,
Mrs. Fechhko.

- For God's sake, you've
been listening to the news?

Eisenhower says
we all gotta stay inside!

- Oh, my God!

[door slams]
- Ted, get down here, OK?

I'm not gonna talk to you
like this.

- Yeah, well, tough shit.

I'm gonna live up here
from now on.

- That's insane.
You're insane.

- No, I'm not.

I'll get Johnny to bring me
food and maybe even soil

so I can grow crops
right here in the rain gutter.

And if the weather's temperate,
by harvest season,

I'll be able to--

Fuck!

- OK, you little shit,
you are in a lot of trouble.

- Look, it was--

- You gave pot
to a 16-year-old.

I mean, what the fuck
were you thinking?

- Well, on the bright side,
he loved it.

- I sold that pot to you.

- Yeah, you were wrong
to do that.

- You do realize
I am now responsible

for introducing drugs
to my underage cousin?

I could be
in really deep shit here.

- Boy, it must be cool
being this tall all the time.

- Get rid of that weed
or so help me God,

you are going
in the fucking dryer.

- Oh, big deal.
I've been in dryers.

- I'll put you in a Matty load.

- OK, fuck.
I'll do it. I'll do it.

[upbeat jazz music]

* *

OK. So we plant the weed
in my locker.

Then you go to the principal
and rat me out.

She searches my locker,
and boom, it's back to Plinko.

- All right.
- Not yet, not yet.

We gotta wait till
the bell rings.

- Yeah, sorry.
- Just act normal.

Right now, we're just two guys

standing here,
having a conversation.

- Yeah.

About what?

- I don't know. Uh,
what's the last movie you saw?

- Uh, "Alive."
- Which one's that?

- Oh, it's the one where
the rugby team crashes

in the Andes in the '70s
and they ran out of food,

so they had to eat each other.

- You're kidding.
- No, it's a true story.

- Like--like, eat each other
alive like they're trading?

Like, you give me your hand,
I give you my foot?

- No, no.

It's like some of the guys
died in the crash,

and then the ones that survived
had to eat the dead guys.

- Oh, man.
Yeah, I--I couldn't do that.

- Me neither, man.

Plus, it's all dudes,
so it's even worse.

- Yeah--what?

- It's all dudes, you know?

You're eating guys.
It's like double gross.

- Well, I mean--I mean,

I would think it would be
objectionable across the board.

- No, no. Yeah, it would.
It's just like a hat on a hat.

- So if you were
on a plane that crashed

and Tom Hanks and Diane Keaton
were on it too,

and they died
and you survived,

who would you eat first?

- Am I the only other person
on the plane?

- Yeah.
- What about the pilots?

- It's an experimental
aircraft, all automated.

- Well, maybe that's why
it went down.

- But the technology
still needed more study, yes,

but the Pentagon was
getting impatient

and they wanted results,
so they pushed up the launch.

- Wait, why wouldn't they have
a seasoned flight crew on board

instead of two actors?

- Oscar-winningactors.

- Fair enough.
- These are taxpayer dollars.

They need the public's interest

or support for the funding
dries up.

- Wait, since when does the
military need public support

to fund experimental aircraft?

- Would you eat Tom Hanks
or Diane Keaton?

- I'd start with Diane

and then if
I didn't get rescued,

I'd move on to Tom.

- Yeah, see?

I think it's weird
that you have an opinion

one way or the other.

[bell ringing]

OK. Here we go.
Let me have it.

- Man, we really put a dent
in this thing, didn't we?

- Whoa.
What have we got here?

- Oh, shit.

- Bennett, you partake?

- Give it back, Clive.

- John Bennett gets high.

Maybe you're not as much
of a pussy as I thought.

- That is a very important
bag of weed.

- Now, I know where
to get a free buzz.

Thanks, Bud.

[locker crashes loudly]

[bullies laugh]
- God damn it, Clive.

We need that weed!

[Ted yells]

- Teddy!

- Shit.
- Teddy, are you OK?

[Ted groans]

- What the hell are you two
doing out here?

Get to class now.

- Um, "227" sucks balls
and so do you.

OK, now, you know
I didn't mean that.

I just needed a reason
to be dragged in here.

- Look, you can trash-talk me,
Ted,

but nobody throws shade
at Pearl Shay.

- Yes.
I apologize.

We have all benefited
from her windowsill wisdom.

She is a national treasure.

But listen, you gotta
kick me out of school.

- Ted, I already told you.

- I have weed.

- What?

- I am in possession
of marijuana

here on school premises.

- May I see it?

- Well, I--I lost it.

- You lost it?

- Yeah, but--but
he had weed, all right?

I'm a witness.

- I would need
to see the marijuana

for there to be consequences.

- Look, we are
telling you the truth.

- Yeah, I'm a bad seed.
See? Look.

[squeaky voice]
I love you.

Drugs!

I love drugs.

- I'm sorry, boys.

I can't just take your word
that you have pot.

- Ah, this is bullshit, man.
I'm getting railroaded.

- All right, look,
Clive has it, all right?

Go check.
- Clive?

- Yeah.

- Well then, if Clive has it,
he's the one in trouble.

- No, no. It's not his weed.
He was just holding it for me.

- OK.
We're done here.

- All right.
It's OK.

This motherfucking bear's
got a backup plan.

[mellow jazz music]

* *

All right, it's clear.

- Teddy, I don't like this.
It's stealing.

- What am I supposed to do?
Just ask her for it?

She'll shove me in the dryer
with Matty's clothes.

- Well, how bad could that be?

- Matty changed his pants
during dinner.

- Yeah, that's bad.

- All right, let's find it.

- Jesus.
- What?

- There's a whole drawer here
that's just cans of tuna.

- How sad.

Wait.
Wait.

Oh, fuck yeah.

- You found it?
- Jackpot.

- Great.
Let's go.

[approaching
indistinct chatter]

Fuck.
- Shit.

- Let's go in here.

[approaching
indistinct chatter]

- All the way over and dances.

- Hang on a sec.

I think I have a pack
around here somewhere.

- Oh, thank you so much.

The CVS only had
the men's razors,

and I think those
are only for faces.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

- You know, it's the '90s,
Aunt Suze.

You can go without shaving
your legs if you want.

- Oh.
[laughs]

When I was in high school,

I used to forget sometimes
and I'd get made fun of.

- Oh, really?
I hate that.

- It's probably why
I'm so self-conscious about it.

[sighs]

Can I ask you something?

- Yeah, sure.
Anything.

- One of the girls who
used to make fun of me,

her name was Margie Cronin.

She used to call me Sasquatch.

She was so mean to me
in school,

and afterward, we didn't see
each other for a long time.

And then about a year ago,

I saw in the flatware
department at Bradley's.

And I saw that
she'd lost a hand.

And I was so happy about it.

Does it make me
a terrible person?

- I don't--I don't think so.

- Because I felt so awful
about my feelings.

And I went to confession
and Father O'Neill said,

"Well, God wouldn't approve
of that."

Maybe this Christmas
I should make her a mitten.

- Uh, maybe.

- With a pretty,
little card that says,

"I'm sorry for your hand."

- I would just
let that one lie.

[skittering]

[both yell briefly]

- What was that noise?

- I think someone's
in the closet.

- W-w-what's that?
- It's Mace.

Just be careful.

[all screaming]

both: Fuck!
- What the fuck?

- Oh, it burns!

- Why the fuck
do you have Mace?

- Why the fuck are you
in my closet?

- What, do you protect
your tuna collection with that?

- Answer the question.

- Why do you have
the fucking tuna?

Are you scared to eat our food?
What is it?

- Answer my question.

[Ted screaming]
- Teddy! Teddy, where are you?

- Oh, my God.

Uh, is that mary-ja-wana?

- Oh, shit.

- What are you
doing with drugs?

- Aunt Suze.

[Johnny and Ted screaming]

This is my fault.

[Johnny wailing]

- We opened our home to you.

We let you stay here
in our house

so you could go
to that goddamn school.

- I know, Uncle Matty.
And believe me, I am so sorry.

- And you pay us back
by dealing drugs to our son?

- I never wanted John to
get involved, I promise you.

I sold the pot to Ted.

- I never should have
let Johnny try it.

I have failed in my role
as a--a--

a sort of
Jiminy Cricket figure.

- I don't know what
the big deal is.

You know, weed's gonna be legal
in like a year anyway.

- It's a gateway drug!
They talk about it on the news!

- Well, what are
we supposed to do?

Start with heroin?

- Well, why in God's name
are you dealing drugs at all?

- My friend, Sarah and I,
we grow it in her apartment,

and we're using the money
to help pay for tuition.

- Well, you--you can't work
at McDonald's?

- It's 15k a year, Matty.

I'd have to sell myself
at McDonald's.

- Oh, you could call it
Filet-O-Flesh.

Is that something?

- She won't even work,
and here we are

putting her up out
of the goodness of our hearts!

- Egg McFuckin', maybe?

- The goodness of your hearts
and a monthly rent check.

- A Quarter To Pound Her?

I--should I stop? I feel like
there's no traction here.

- Matty?

You're charging her rent?

- Yes, I am.

This is my house.
I got the right to charge rent.

- But, Matty, she's family.

- Susan.
- She's our niece.

- Susan, will you be quiet
and let me handle this?

- Hey, don't talk to her
like that.

- Excuse me?

- You do this all the time.

You silence her voice,
you belittle her,

you cut her down,
you treat her like shit.

- I do not.

I love my fucking wife,
and she knows it.

Don't you, Susan?

- I can't believe
you'd make her pay rent.

- Hey, hey, hey, I'm not
the one in the hot seat here.

She's a drug dealer, and I want
her out of this house tonight.

- Matty, please.

- End of discussion!
Tonight!

- Come on.
Wait.

Christie! That was
the Black Barbie's name.

[downbeat jazz music]

* *

- Hey, Blaire, uh,
can we talk to you for a sec?

- Sure.

Got a couple minutes
before I become homeless.

- Hey, listen, Blaire.
Uh, I'm really sorry.

- Me too.

- Yeah, well,
it's a little late for that.

- We didn't want you
to have to leave.

Even if your bed is the size
of a pool table.

I mean, that's probably about

the size of a pool table,
right?

- Shut the fuck up, Teddy.

Look, we know you're mad
because Dad gave you the boot.

But--
- Yeah, that's not why I'm mad.

You have no idea why I'm mad.

Do you know all the details
of why I've been living here

when my own family
lives 45 minutes away?

I could easily
commute to school,

but my family is fucked,
every one of them.

In case you don't get
the scope of things,

my dad, your Uncle Bernie,
is a drunk and an asshole,

my mom's a psycho lunatic,
and my brother's in prison.

- Jesus.
What about your dog?

- Dead.

- Fuck.

- Mom and Dad are lost causes,
but...

I tried so hard
to protect Kevin.

And I couldn't.

He's his parents' son,
so now he's serving ten years

for robbing a Mrs. Fields
at gunpoint

andpossession of crack.

- Well, I mean,
Mrs. Fields and crack.

It's like
what's the difference, right?

[Ted chuckles awkwardly]

Please, continue.

- Look, I just--

I don't want the same thing
to happen to you.

And when I moved here,
I told myself

that I was gonna look after you

and make sure
the fucked up Bennett DNA

didn't get to you too.

And instead,
I introduced you

to the wonderful world
of drugs.

I'm not mad at you, all right?
I'm mad at myself.

- Look, Blaire, I--

I never expected you
to look out for me like that.

- Just take care of yourself,
all right?

Our family is poison.

Do better than them.

- Where you gonna go?

- Stay with Sarah
for a few weeks.

There's an open spot
near the sativa.

But after that, I don't know.

See you.

[fading footsteps]

- God, Lori Loughlin's
fucking gorgeous.

That woman can do no wrong.

- Hey, don't start jerking off.

- Hey, that poster
is not for jerking off.

It's for imagining
being married, you sick fuck.

- Wow.
- Yeah!

- You--you've imagined
the wedding?

- Well, yeah.

The cover of "People"
magazine's a photo of us,

and it says,
"Who's Loughlin now?"

- So you took her name?

- No, no.
But they need to sell copies.

- Well, it's good to know
you can be both erect

and market-savvy.

- [sighs] Teddy,
this whole Blaire situation

is really shitty.

- [sighs]
Yeah, I know.

- I mean, I never knew
she thought of me that way.

It's like a little brother.

I always wanted a brother
or a sister,

and there she was,
right there all along.

- Yeah.

I guess under all that
complaining about racism,

there's actually a good person
in there.

- Teddy, we gotta do something.
I mean, this is our fault.

Like, maybe I can talk to Dad,
get him to change his mind.

- Yeah, good luck.
He's never gonna listen.

- I mean,
we can't just lay here

and let her get fucked over.

There's gotta be something
we can do.

- Wait a minute.
You know what?

There is.

We are gonna open the box.

[upbeat jazz music]

[phone ringing]

- There you go.
I'll be right outside.

Just let me know when
you're finished.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

- Did you know that

textile polymers are so thin
nowadays that someone could be

wearing an adult diaper
and no one would even know it?

- What?

- No bulky padding,

no unsightly bulges
in the trousers.

- I--I didn't know that.
No.

- It's amazing.

A person, anyone could
be talking to you

and relieving themselves
at the same time.

And you'd never even know it.
[sighs softly]

- OK.

- And that's great news.

- Are you wearing a diaper?

- No.
Don't make this weird.

- OK.

- I'm just saying

the technology has come so far

that limits
practically don't exist.

It's all about confidence.

So take that long car ride,

climb that mountain,
have that iced tea refill.

- We--we will.

- What limits?

- Jesus, we gotta switch banks.

- Yeah, seriously.

Here it is.

- Yep.

- You're sure you wanna
do this, right?

I mean, once Dad
finds out you have it,

there's no going back,
like ever.

He's gonna go nuts.

- That's why I never told him.

I guess deep down,

I was saving it
for a day like this

when the chips were down
and all hope seemed lost.

- OK.

Good.
Let's do it.

- All right, we're done!

Sir?

[keys jingling]
- I need you to open box 1080.

There's a pair of jeans
in there!

- What?
- Just do it!

[insects droning]

- What, you're just--
you're just not gonna--

not gonna talk to me
for the rest of your life, huh?

Is that it?

Well, you'd--
you've--you've taken

a--taken a vow of silence,
like a--like a monk, huh?

You're gonna--you're
gonna shave your head too?

'Cause, well, go ahead.

Go ahead, then you won't--
then you won't--

then you won't
clog the shower drain.

What do you guys want?

- I want to cut a deal.

- What?
What are you talking about?

- Let me tell you a story,
Matty.

Back when I was in Hollywood,

I almost made a movie
with Sly Stallone.

- Bullshit.
- No bullshit.

- "Rocky" Stallone?
- Yep.

He came to me with a project
and I said yes.

It was gonna be about
this astronaut cop

and this wisecracking bear.

I was the bear.

And they gotta go to space
to save Christmas,

but then the
"Challenger" exploded,

so they had to
scrap the project.

- Oh, man, what a bummer.

- I know, right?

I mean, that's when
America could have used

a movie like that the most!

Anyway, Stallone felt
really bad about it,

so he gave me this.

- What is it?

- Rocky's mouth guard.

- Fuck you.
You're kidding.

- Nope.
- You're shitting me.

- No shit.

- Wait.
Does that mean--

- Yes, the one at
Planet Hollywood is a fake.

- Holy--

holy shit!

Holy fucking shit!

- Now, I will give you
this priceless item...

[Matty gasps]

If you give Blaire
another chance.

- Huh?
- Just let her stay.

- Oh.

I don't know.

- Hey, why don't you put it on?

Go on.

That was in Sylvester
Stallone's mouth in 1976.

See how it feels in yours.

- Mmm.

[inhales deeply]

Oh.

Oh, wow.

I feel him.

I--I--I feel him in my mouth.

- You gotta go the distance,
Matty.

Rocky would never have given up

on his brother's wife's
daughter.

And neither should you.
- No.

- What do you say?

[Matty panting softly]

- OK.
- OK, what?

- She can stay.

- Oh, Matty, you mean it?

- Yeah, fuck it.

- Oh!
[smooches]

Oh, honey, and no rent?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Right?

- Fine, fine.
- Thank you so much.

[Matty sighs]

- I'm gonna sleep in it.

- Nice job, Teddy.

We did it.
- Yeah, we did.

- You know,
I think you and Stallone

could still make that movie.

- Oh, God. No way.
It was total fucking garbage.

I don't wanna sound crazy,
but I honestly think

Paramount blew up
the space shuttle

so they wouldn't have
to make that movie.

- Jesus, that bad, huh?

- It was that bad, yeah.
- Shit.

[peaceful jazz music]

* *

- I don't know
how to thank you guys.

I mean, never in a million years
did I expect this.

You know,
I was starting to think

it was impossible for any of us
to break the curse

of the Bennett blood,
but what you did,

it gives me a lot of hope.

Thank you.

- Ah, we were just trying
to make things right.

- No, no, no, no.
I--I mean it, though.

You're not like
the rest of the family.

You've got a shot.

I think of my dad,
drunk on his ratty couch,

watching "Flash Gordon"
or some shit,

but that's not gonna be you.

You--you're gonna do
something with your life.

You're gonna be somebody.

- Thanks, Blaire.

- Just promise me this.

No more drugs.
Yeah?

- No more drugs.

- No more drugs.

- Besides pot.

- Besides pot.

[Queen's "Flash"]

- * Flash! *

* A-ah! *

* Savior of the universe *

* *

* Flash! *

* A-ah! *

* He'll save every one of us *

* *

[evil laughter]

[explosion]

* *

* Flash! *

* A-ah! *

* He's a miracle *

* *

* Flash! *

* A-ah! *

* King of the impossible *

* *

* He's for every one of us *

* Stand for every one of us *

* He saves
with a mighty hand *

* Every man, every woman,
every child *

* It's the mighty flash *

* *

[explosions]

* *

* Flash! *

* A-ah! *

* *

* Flash! *

* A-ah! *

* He'll save every one of us *