All language subtitles for Dragons.on.the.Hill.2024

My name…

is William.

And many moons...

Many moons, many moons.

Sorry.

It's um, it's pretty dry in this dungeon.

I'm William.

Uh, nice to meet you.

I'll be the narrator.

Um, that's me.

Okay, let's not get distracted here.

I have not talked to anyone in a while.

Do I have everyone's attention?

Everyone's still with me?

Where to start?

Let's start at the beginning.

Shall we?

My childhood.

I was fortunate as a child,
more than most.

My father,

he kept the horrors of the world
concealed from our view,

hidden just behind the veil of his stories.

He called them lessons.

Each night, there was a different tale.

And each night,

the confines of our cob house,

our class, our wealth would melt away

to reveal a world without limitations,

endlessly powered by our
imagination
and willingness to believe.

However, all stories must come
to a close.

And this is how my story ends,

right in the middle

of what I thought was
the end of all things.

Man come and see how shall all
dead leave

when thou cometh bad and bad.

Enough help when we away fair,

all us worms that we for care.

What that we do for God is love.

We have nothing here.

Stop there.

Ghost, stand back.

You appear sickly and
with all the plague going
around,

you can just stop right there.

If you're a ghost, you need to tell me.

I'm no ghost.

As you said, I'm a traveler.

Mm. Yeah.

Likely story. Be more specific.

Alas,

I'm the sole survivor of my town

and all the surrounding areas.

In three years' time I saw the plague
claim the lives of all those around me.

I stand before you now,
a broken and desperate traveler

searching for some new area
to call my home.

That's a… that's a good story, Farend.

Thank you.

For a ghost.

Everyone has a plague sobben tale.

And that one,

is mine.

You see, I am the last of the
whole region.

Believe me, I saw them all depart.

This plague, spares no one and nothing.

So I'm gonna ask you one more time.

What family do you claim?

Townsend.

Who's your father?

Thomas

Robert,

It's, it's I.

It's, it's William of Townsend,
brother to you.

It's William.

Little William.

Come and embrace me, brother.

Oh.

It feels so good to hold you.

Oh, brother.

Do you have the plague?

I am here.

Am I not?

Let me see.

How do you feel?

I feel fine.

I feel fine.

Do you have the plague?

I have no boo boos,
no swollen pits or thighs.

My groin is as clean as a
whistle, brother.

Produce your half of the locket.

Right now, produce your half
of our father's locket.

Prove to me that you are indeed
my brother.

Okay.

After father passed,

Robert set off in search of
a better life for us.

Some new start in a valley far and
away from this sick, sadness and death.

He never returned.

In my isolation,

I reflected on my father's lessons.

He deliberated on the thinkers
and dreamers of our time.

Aquinas, Magnus, Don Scotus,
don't laugh, real person.

We learned to practice prudence,
temperance, justice and fortitude.

But the one lesson
always stayed in my mind,

the Prima Doctrine.

According to the long lost manuscript,

the last survivors of the land
may lay claim to the title of Lord,

whomever first weds or
proves their sole survivor status

will be awarded this coveted title.

Boy oh boy,

I wanted to be a Lord.

How could there be any truth to that?

Why wouldn't it be anything
but the truth?

We have the map, anyhow.

The uh, the what?

The map.

Off the back of the locket
that our father etched.

Say what that is?

It's a map to the manuscript.

I…

What is it?

The whole story,

I've been leading up to the
map of the manuscript.

Map to a secret treasure.

A fairytale indeed.

Robert, can I be honest with you?

Of course, brother.

I wasn't traveling to any destination…

or direction.

I was simply,

pulling a cart with all my belongings,

waiting for the end.

I would give up everything

to have found you.

Brother.

Let us seize this moment.

Let us take advantage of
our chance reunion.

Let us go to the Capitol archives
and use the map to find the manuscript.

What do we do with the
manuscript once we find it?

We present it to the court, of course.

They will be bound to honor the doctrine,

and we can claim the crown.

I don't think there's a-a crown
per se, but.

But?

I suppose once one
of us is Lord, -Uh huh.

We can have him make a crown.

That's right.

We shall do it.

Our true adventure.

Brother?

Yes, brother.

How do we decide which
one of us gets lordship?

Ah, a minor detail.

Does not seem so minor to me.

One of us must be dead
or one of us must be married

for either of us to claim the lordship.

So it seems maybe we should think.

Okay okay, all right.

So we come to a gentleman's
agreement then, right?

Um, we agree that neither of us
shall undercut nor sabotage

the efforts of the other
in pursuit of the manuscript.

We work together only.

Together only.

That's right.

So well spoken, Robert.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much, brother.

Brother.

- Yes.
- Once we have that manuscript,

one of us will be Lord and the
other will be his Squire or whatever.

Or whatever.

- Or whatever.
- Right, right.

One of us could be dead by the
end of the thing, we don't know.

- I suppose that's possible, but.
- That's crazy.

Let's just be optimistic here, all right?

Right.

- I will work together. Together only.
- Together only.

That's right.

And then one of us will become the
Lord and the other will become the Squire.

- You'll become the Squire.
- Together, I'll become a Lord.

You'll become a Squire.

- Vice versa.
- Something like that.

One of us is dead.

We can figure it out later.

Brother.

Yes?

You don't have the plague.

No, no.

But you might get the plague.

Okay, it's your turn to pull the cart.

No, no.

That wasn't half as long as my last turn.

I just pulled it through a river.

I pulled it up a hill before that.

Fine.

Actually, brother, why are we even
pulling this cart in the first place?

This cart of junk.

I say we should start out fresh and anew.

This is not junk.

These are father's belongings.

Well, that may be,

but I still say that we should cast
off this hermit shell of your former life

and set a crisp foot forward on
the road ahead, that's what I say.

You're not just saying that
to get out of pulling the cart?

A little bit, yes.

Fine.

Since it's all junk to you.

Mm hm.

Junk.

Little bit dramatic I guess, but.

Uh, oh hey.

What's the significance of
that pen, hmm?

This is his father's pen.

And when he died

and he left,

I started drawing with it.

Little sketches here and there.

Fairies and

goblins and wizards.

I would come up with these
fantastical tales.

So magical,

I thought no one would ever
believe them.

Well, I had no idea.

I know.

You weren't there.

This is all I need.

No.

Oh, William, I cannot take
another minute of this.

My turn shoes are squeaking
and my patterns are clobbing.

Do you remember the game
we used to play as children?

- Yeah, and...
- Yes!

That's the game, 'Yea End'.

We'd play it for hours.

All these different scenarios.

Me as the barber.

You as the unruly patron.

Ring a bell?

Are you my barber?

Yea.

And, and are you in need of a shave?

Yea, and I wish for that shave right away.

Of course, Farend.

Yea and do not give me too close
of a shave this time, Barber.

Yea, and is this too close?

Yea!

Now I will bleed to death because
the blood's coming out of my throat.

You've cut me, I will die.

That was good.

That was fun.

Stop there.

Ahh!

Hand over your valuables
or hand over your life.

We have to warn you that
neither is worth very much.

All right, life it is then.

Whoa, sir.

Do you mind if I call you sir?

Don't call me sir.

Okay.

Man, we are actually here to help you.

You are in need of a shave.

I'm in need of a shave?

Uh, yes yes yes.

A trimming of the beard.

What are we doing?

Follow my lead.

We are the finest barbers in all the land.

Yea and you are in for a treat because

we have the sharpest...

Yea, and softest...

razor blades.

In all of the kingdom.

Yea.

And this shave is on the house.

On the house.

No, no, no.

Whoa! Wait.

That is far too large to use
on a delicate shave

such as this.

So I'm going to gently…

put it in the bushes.

Chin up please, sir.

Robert, uh razor blade.

Right away.

Now, hold still.

We don't want to hurt you.

So, are there any other aches
or pains we can attend to?

No.

I could get some leeches.

- We could do a lapping.
- No.

- Or we could pull some teeth wire.
- No.

Okay, I was joking about the teeth.

Now, I hear the chin beard
is all the rage this year.

Should we keep the mustache,
lose the mustache?

If we're doing the chin beard,
cut the mustache.

- Okay.
- Okay.

We're good? Okay.

Robert towel.

Right. Towel.

Hold still.

Final moments.

Mm hm.

That is a fine shave.

Wow.

Yes.

Do people call you handsome?

- No.
- They will, they will.

or the princes, I hear?

I hear he's courting.

Really, looks that good?

Don't touch it, don't touch it.

That's okay, you don't
have to worry about that.

Just go, just go on.

Go out in the world and
let 'em see your new look.

What's left of the world, anyhow.

People will believe

anything you tell them nowadays.

Robert never questioned that day.

I would think if he could reverse time, he
might have strove to ask something of me

or perhaps part ways altogether.

Any luck finding food?

No, everyone on the planet is
clearly dead.

The only person we did see,
tried to stab us.

Nah, you need to relax all right?

This is what we're supposed to be doing.

I can feel it.

This is our, our destiny.

You know, it's-it's our fate.

We are on a journey.

A journey to claim
the lordship of our land,

in our house, in our town.

And, and so what if there are
no people left alive?

We'll figure that out later that.

We'll find some maidens
on the road or something.

You'd make a terrible Lord.

What was that?

I said you seem to not plan for much.

I plan for plenty.

I have very detailed plans of
all the jobs you can do for me

when you're my Squire.

My natural storytelling ability
makes me a turn shoe in for Lord

and you, Robert can't read or write.

- So...
- So, you know what?

This is ridiculous.

We said we wouldn't…

determine who's gonna be Lord
until we find the manuscript.

Let's just focus on that.

That's right, that's our sole focus.

Our sole focus.

Right?

Okay.

William, where are the blankets?

They're in the cart.

They're…in the cart.

No matter.

I personally feel freer
without the blankets.

To lie under the stars.

Right.

- Right.
- Right.

Right, it's a bit cold, isn't it?

It's freezing.

But I…

I have a tent for us
with warm furs and pelts.

Yea and I feel the,

the roaring heat of a, of a blazing fire.

- Yea.
- Yea.

And goodnight.

And, and good night.

Robert?

Robert?

The plague has taken you too.

My sweet brother.

Robert.

Don't do this to me.

Don't do this to me, Robert!

Shut up.

Shut up.

I'm trying to sleep.

Oh, I thought you were dead.

How did you sleep?

Bad.

Today is a new day, so I say…

we go

break our fast

and forage.

It's a bit of a change
from last night, isn't it?

Well.

I'm feeling good.

Feeling good about this day

I'll follow your lead, my Lord.

Uh, metaphorically, of course.

Look. Look at this.

What.

Mushrooms.

Mushrooms are food?

Food is good.

Should I cook them?

Oh no, I'm far too hungry.

Hm.

It's fruity.

No. No.

I declare you my gong farmer.

Who's the Lord now?

I declare you my leech collector.

Collect every leech in the land,

put them on your body

Give me the gong, give me the gong.

No!

No.

And just like that,

we laid eyes on the most
beautiful thing to walk this earth.

Majestic tempered, our bride, our queen.

Notice how this next scene

is shot entirely from the
perspective of the male gaze.

That's because this male

was a-gazing.

Stop it. Stop it!

God.

You smell like a donkey's ass.

I know.

We should go say something, right?

Should we say something?

Like what?

Are we supposed to shout out
from the bushes,

like a couple of creeps?

Hello?

Fine maiden.

What fresh hell is this?

And she likes it?

Come on, this guy's a stalker.

Totally.

You think she can see us
or we stay back here?

I think we'll maybe just pull it closer.

I've come to claim your hand for myself.

Okay.

He's not even asking.

He's just straight up telling her, so.

I can't believe she's buying this.

You know what they say.

The bigger the sword,
compensating for something, so.

He's approaching her right now,
very rapidly.

We should do something.
We should, we should.

You should do something.

You should do something.

You go first, you should do something.

All hail, sweet maiden I see there.

I've come to claim your hand.

Please give it to me.

So I do not have to take it.

I don't think they're talking
about marriage.

Alas, dear maiden.

I did not know we had company.

Is that a boy I see,
playing in his father's armor?

An insult of the highest order, sir.

They have to fight over her to the death?

Not a good look.

It's 1349 people.

- Not 1100, am I right?
- Yeah.

Shall we settle this
like true men of all standing?

I could not think of anything
more appropriate.

Draw your blade.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Okay well, that's broken.

You're not gonna fix that.

Oh, no, honey.

Come on.

Oh! Oh my god.

- Censor it, censor it.
- Oh my god.

I can't look.

Just tell me. Just tell me if it's over.

I can't believe they just
defeated themselves.

No.

Okay, don't touch them because
they, that's disgusting.

- Oh.
- Oh, I see.

Yeah.

It's dark.

Very grim.

Yep.

- But...
- Very clever.

It's clever.

I think we should go say hello.

Uh, have you forgotten
there's a plague going on?

Besides, they just got done
robbing those dead knights

and they've clearly done it
plenty of times before.

I don't think I want to go
down there and say, hel...

William!

Where did you go?

Mm.

Mighty fine supper.

Mighty fine, yeah.

Mighty fine supper.

Mm hm.

There's a mighty fine place you
have here too.

Mighty fine.

Mighty nice.

Uh huh.

Mm hm.

Mm hm. Mm hm.

Are those breasts on the chimney?

- It's mighty fine.
- Mighty fine.

- Mm hm.
- Mm hm.

Are there two kinds of potatoes
in the soup?

I'm tasting, I'm tasting at
least two different vegetables.

There's two in here, right?

What brings you here?

What…

brings us here?

Right to business, right.

Right.

Oh, well.

Um, that is a funny story.

Sidebar.

We can't just tell 'em
what's happening, can we?

I don't know.

Did we cross a border of some kind?

Are they survivors in our land?

I don't think so.

Okay.

Okay.

This is what we do then.

There is a provision in the
doctrine about marriage.

Okay.

Only one maid and the
two bachelors though.

What do we do about that?

It's a minor detail that
can be worked out later.

Hohoho, my own words against me.
Very well.

We will agree as before that we will

follow the trail of the doctrine first
and work out the details of it second.

Mm hm.

- Mighty fine, mighty fine.
- Mighty fine.

My fair maiden.

We are on a journey,

to go to the National Archives

and find a long lost manuscript
called the Prima Doctrine.

This doctrine doth declare,

he whoever shall be the last
surviving member of our foreland,

shall become lord of said land.

Mm hm.

We are the last two members.

- That's us.
- Mm hm.

Mm hm.

And,

there's a small provision about
a marriage in the doctrine,

if you're interested.

Judging by your expression,
we'll talk about it later.

Right.

What are we talking about right now?

Well, we want you to join us
on our quest.

Sidebar.

Do we believe them?

What they say is true,

this could be what saves us in our town,

Claiming lordship over an entire region
can help us all survive in these end times.

I'm going to miss you all so much.

I love you.

Can a woman claim this title,
this lordship?

Oh that's a, that's a fair question.

I don't remember anything in
the rules specifically stating no,

but did I mention the
provision about marriage?

You did.

Okay.

I will accompany you as you
seek out this manuscript.

But…

I want something in return first.

The chance to get to know each of you.

Such handsome men.

William, the side bar.

Can we trust her?

She called us handsome, Robert.

All the more reason not to trust her.

How do we know she's not gonna
make a play for the crown

as soon as we get the manuscript?

There is not a physical crown per se.

Do we need another rival?

We're working together, we're not rivals.

A rival, do we need a rival,
that's what I said.

That's not what you said.

I meant to say that,
I meant to say a rival.

She called us handsome.

Have you been called handsome before?

It's been a while.

Okay.

Well.

I've never been called handsome before.

I know.

And if you ruin this for me,

I'm just gonna be so
disappointed in you, Robert.

Like, we're supposed to be brothers.

Okay?

My fair maiden,

will you do the honor of joining us?

One day,

I will be Lord and Robert will
be my Squire.

And when that day comes,

I would love to have you by our side.

It would be my pleasure.

We leave tomorrow away!

Mm.

♪ My lady is wild ♪

♪ I feel the same ♪

♪ I love my lady so damn much,
but I never really learned her name ♪

♪ My lady is ♪

♪ I didn't write a second verse ♪

♪ All I know is I'm better than Robert ♪

♪ Robert is much, much worse ♪

♪ My lady is restless ♪

♪ My lady is true ♪

♪ My lady is all mine but
my brother, he wants her too ♪

♪ My lady is virtuous ♪

♪ Steadfast and strong ♪

♪ I try to sing for her but she
doesn't really like my song ♪

How do I put this?

Sometimes in life, you crash
into someone you need to meet

that you must, by some
inextricable cosmic law,

connect with.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Fast forward to say,

this guy that you're about
to meet on screen…

is a turd.

Wait.

Listen, do you hear that?

I'm trapped.

What is that sound?

Hello, anyone out there?

Is that... is that a person?

Someone, someone is
definitely trapped. Quickly.

There's a man trapped down here.

No, no dig.

That is disgusting.

That's gross.

Stop.

He could have died of the plague.

William, he's not dead.

Yet.

You believe no one but yourself?

I believe some of the things
that Robert says, sometimes.

Good thing they use the
breathable cot in a shallow grave.

It's hot in there.

Thanks for heeding my calls, friends.

Most people would just walk on by.

Most people are smart.

I'm stuck with two dummies.

How did this happen?

I must have fallen asleep
in the wrong place.

Then why were you buried in a grave?

William.

Oh, it's all right.

I get mistaken for a dead body
all the time.

What?

Yeah, see they pick up a lot
of the deceased in these towns

and I must have fallen asleep.

It happens quite frequently.

Quite frequently?

Oh, sure.

See, I'm a traveling minstrel
and I go from town to town

and they don't know who I am.

I'll get to drink in the fermented
libations and I'll pass out somewhere

and they'll bury me.

It happens quite frequently.

I actually wrote a song about it.

Here.

You should love your brother.

No, enough.

Go join one of those egalitarian monasteries
if you love that lifestyle so much.

Go sip on their oat beer and
wear a long robe like a tool.

Here in the real world,

all we have is ourselves.

Our brothers leave us,

and our daddies die,

and we're left alone.

And one of these days,

you're gonna be alone in a grave
and you're gonna suffocate to
death.

William.

A bit bleak, William.

We hardly know her.

♪ Does the rod of an arrow
know when it strikes its target ♪

♪ No, but the tip does ♪

It's this philosophy I'm working on.

♪ Be like the tip of the arrow,
my friends and know your fate ♪

What are we?

A bunch of wooden rods unknowingly
waiting to be shot through a tree?

You know, I should write a song
about you.

William the pessimist.

♪ Oh, William the pessimist ♪

♪ He would not save me and my heart ♪

♪ from a very shallow grave ♪

It's catchy.

William, it's a turn shoe tapper.

No, it's not.

Well y'know, he's working on it.

He just came out of a grave.

I was just buried alive.

It is good.

I'll admit it.

I'll admit it that it's good.

You guys should come with me.

I can promise merriment and
drink and song.

No, they're busy.

They're both busy.

They have plans.

They look pretty into it.

They made an agreement.

- Yeah we kinda did.
- Yeah.

All right.

They're with me.

The pessimist.

Hey, if things don't work out
here, I'll look you up, okay?

Hey, thanks for pulling me out.

Okay, I'm off.

Finally.

Yeah.

My lady.

What?

♪ Well I meet friends ♪

So you can see what I mean.

This guy is a total prick, right?

As a harpist myself, his
technique is backwards, I would say.

That's good, that's catchy.

Is that a cover, do we know that one?

Such an insightful fellow.

- Yeah I know right?
- No he's not.

He assaulted me,

and he's a simplist and he's an
optimist and I reject his premise outright.

William, you are so overly dramatic.

I am underly dramatic.

I will show you overly dramatic.

We should rest here for the night.

No,

I don't like the look of this place
and since I'm considered the leader,

I think you should stand down.

You're considered the leader?

Do you even know how to forage for
vegetables or make a proper camp?

Robert and I are excellent…

"vegetabilis" foragers.

Then you two go forage
and I'll prepare camp.

Fine.

We're gonna go do that anyway
before you told us to.

Oh yeah, we should.

Let's, let's go ahead.

- Let's go.
- Yeah, let's go.

Okay.

Can you believe her?

Making everything,

preparing the camp,

making the food, tending to us.

Damn it.

She'd make a perfect mom... wife.
Mommy wife.

What are we forging for anyway?

We don't actually know how to…

do anything.

Um, my dear Robert,
we know how to forage for those.

Uh no, William.

No, no.

Last time we ate those,
we became terribly sick.

We don't know for sure
it was the mushroom.

I am taking control of my own life.

How are you surviving this world?

Is it by sitting in a grave
waiting for someone

to come along and give you permission?

You got mushroom,
you pop it in your mouth

and you see what happens, huh.

Hide.

Whoa.

Biggest of.

Is that gonna be us some day?

No, one of us will be the Squire.

He treats them like peasants.

Well, they are peasants.

Oh, look at his smug little face.

Halt!

What is this?

I've seen this one before.

You bore me.

I think you're like the guy in the
front who's getting kicked a lot.

Right?

Mm hm.

He looks nice.

Same facial structure.

I've…

I've been handing these invitations
to maidens all across the land,

none…

tempt me.

None…

excite me.

Gross.

Don't you like, have to get married?

Yes.

And as soon as possible
to get that…crown.

But I need to see all my options first.

Don't wanna be stuck with
some stuffy old castle chaser.

Hey, I told you I don't like that term.

Why are you so stressed out?

Nobody likes me.

Move it along.

Thank you.

What the hell was that?

He's gonna snatch up every mom
in the land?

I mean mom.

I mean mom.

Mommy wife.

Let's get back to camp.

I don't think I truly understood
the evil stories can possess,

until this day.

I'm talking about the kind of stories
that twist the mind into such dark places.

It feels impossible to unwind
it all again and see the light.

Look.

- What?
- What is it?

Let's see it.

Plus these guys are a couple of
Mandrake Mericans.

Scamalars.

- Stop.
- Oh, fire.

Hey, I was using that.

What, to burn this poor woman alive?

She's a witch.

I am not a witch.

What about that animal
familiar with you?

I was on my way to a wedding with gifts,
most of which ran away except for her.

She said 'witch'.

All right.

I can see what's going on here.

Great.

Then let me light the thing.

No.

No.

You have clearly cornered this
poor woman and her chicken

and have hysterically declared
her a witch.

Yeah.

I'm trying to teach my son about…

witches.

There should be more
father figures in the world,

I think.

What about witches?

They worship the devil.

Malfetheam.

They use demons to create their magic.

They fly through the air

to convene with Satan
in the middle of the night

and fornicate with each other.

Worst of all, they kidnap
and eat children.

They use their fat for
tinctures and ointments.

Okay, okay.

Shut it.

I can say for certain,

I have never used children's fat
for anything.

We are not leaving until you back off.

Right.

We're not actually all together,
kind of separate party situation.

Don't hurt us.

William.

Hold them off.

Ow.

- Gosh.
- Ow, ow!

Be careful.

I really hope in the future,

people don't believe in crazy
conspiracy theories like this.

I mean, that has to change, right?

Stay back.

We know how to use this thing.

That's right.

Ow, it's cutting my finger.

I'm sorry.

You're a bad dad.

Fine.

If you guys really
believe that I'm a witch,

I'm gonna curse your penises.

Whenever you touch yourselves,
they'll turn into little, little...

Snakes?

Yeah little snakes. Little snakes.

So tired of this happening all the time.

Happens all the time?

It happens all the time.

I didn't want to bring a chicken anyway.

So it's probably for the best.

I'll bring something else
like a dog or, I don't know.

I've seen those little things that you
get that have like they go in your...

chicken!

Oh.

Well.

See you guys later.

No, I don't.

Guys, I'll handle this.

Hello, kind fellow.

We are but three weary travelers
coming to you.

- Humble and...
- I do not care who you are.

I can see plain as day
you three are witches

performing a ceremony with the devil.

Okay.

Straight to the devil with
these people every time.

Seriously?

I can see all the signs.

Fire ceremony.

Chicken.

Woman.

Hey.

Uh, the devil chicken isn't ours.

Yeah, this whole thing
was a misunderstanding.

Hey keep your distance, witch.

Bring no plague here.

All in this village been under restrict.

How do we say it?

Ha!

Quarantino.

Now come with me.

We must hold the trial to
determine your fate, witches.

And bring your chicken too.

Do you understand what's
happening here?

I have no idea.

No thank you.

We don't want any, thank you though.

Because I don't really get it.

Oh god.

Oh, it, it stings.

Why do they have to use so much?

It gets in the back of your nose.

And it sticks.

Who is this?

But I don't get it.

Do you, do you get it?

Because I don't understand
what's happening.

What the hell's going on?

He's giving us all a
presentation on proper hygiene

to avoid the spread of the plague.

From the smell of it,
you three could use a lesson.

Wow.

I cannot handle you right now.

Pay attention.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm?

Ah.

Thank you.

Good fellow.

We are here today to judge the case

of these witches three...

who were found

plotting outside our village

with the help of their chicken.

- This chicken likes us.
- Yeah.

But I wouldn't say
we know each other well,

And upon being hailed by
our fearless farmer,

these travelers did threaten my client.

I wouldn't call it a threat.

We said hi.

With the transmission of

the great curse of our time,

This of black death.

Okay, okay. Listen.

When do we get to talk?

Soon enough.

- You have broken our quarantino giorno.
- Quarantino giorno.

Cavorted with the devil

and

used an animal

in a criminal act.

Objection.

Can we speak now?

What say you?

May I stand?

Stand.

Thank you.

Okay wait, no not you please,
anyone but you.

I got it.

Hello, gentle jurors, kind people.

We meant no malice and
come into your village.

We didn't even know about
your quarantining..di giorno.

Quarantino giorno.

That's what I said.

I think what we have here
is a classic mix up.

We mean you no harm.

We haven't been dancing with the devil

or bringing the plague into your village.

We're not witches.

We've never been witches.

And my client,

is an outstanding chicken.

From the nesting boxes,

to laying eggs

in the shade of an oak tree,

this chicken has never been mixed up

with anything like this before.

Well.

One time before.

Like about an hour ago.

I mean,

look at that face.

You tell me that's a devil
dancing with chicken.

And that,

ladies and germs

is Ockham's honest truth.

Times are terrible.

We can all attest to that.

Everything is horrible.

It's just horrendous.

Do we really need to be throwing around
wild accusations and attacking one another?

- I say nay.
- Nay.

And I say we dismiss this case forthwith,

henceforth there too,
stricken from the records

forever.

Yeah absolutely, I second that.

You simply cannot make a motion
like that.

I-I do support the motion.

All right, all right.

- Case dismissed.
- All right.

It shall forever be stricken
from the record.

Well, then we'll just be on our way.

There is, of course, the small
matter of the quarantino giorno.

How's that now?

You are to start your
city-mandated
quarantino effective immediately.

The Italian health minister will
escort you to his residence.

You can complete your quarantino there.

Excuse me.

Uh I'd just like to say that this sucks.

Yeah, this is highly unnecessary.

We could just leave town.

And do we have to handcuff the
chicken?

That's animal cruelty.

That's it.

Now work on mine.

Come on, right there.

Heck right there.

Got it.

Come on now, right there.

Give me two more hours.

I can get this, right there.

We're gonna need something
a little bit more...

Hush hush, right there.

Pick the lock with your beak.

Come on.

Right there, pick the lock.

Watch the Italian.

I'm not staying down here for 40 days.

Yes.

Obviously none of us are doing that.

How do you even propose
that we get out of here?

He has the key.

We just need

a good story.

I've got it.

Follow my lead.

We followed your lead in the trial.

Was the case dismissed?

Was the case dismissed?

- Thank you, it was.
- I mean, I know but look where we are.

It's an extenuating circumstance.

So just shut up and let me work.

What do you plan on doing?

I'm gonna do what I do best.

I'm gonna tell a story.

Mi scusi.

Mi scusi.

Kind sir.

Hi, William again.

I know this looks bad.

We look like we're peasants but
we are actually traveling physicians.

I am a doctor who specializes in
the plague.

That's right.

The plague.

It's all around us.

I can assure you as a doctor,
this town is free of affliction.

Yeah, yeah.

And I can, I can attest to that

because I'm his secretary
and sworn chronicler.

And furthermore, he's also really smart
and I'm his Squire and he's so great.

Take it down a notch.

Yea and because we are traveling
physicians,

we are of course healthy and
plague-free ourselves.

Yes.

- So.
- Yes.

He's back to writing his book.

What?

It's just great.

What is he writing?

Is he journaling?

I don't understand.

Okay.

He thinks he can be Lord.

I can be Lord.

I can be Lord.

Watch this, watch this.

Second try, here we go.

Changing the narrative.

- Mi scusi.
- Do more.

That's the only word I know.

I only know 'mi scusi', okay?

At least I'm trying something.

Mi scusi.

No, don't go back to your book.

Mi scusi.

Everyone do it.

Mi scusi.

We are…

soldiers.

Soldiers.

Yes?

And we are honor bound to the king

so we can't be bound in shackles as well.

- So...
- Yeah, and we are amidst a secretive campaign.

We must be released immediately.

That's right.

Yea,

And I mean, look,
it doesn't matter what we say.

He can't understand anything,
we can say anything we want.

I could tell him,

I'm not actually Robert,
I'm actually Henry.

I mean, it doesn't matter.

Look, it doesn't matter.

It does matter if you believe it matters.

Okay?

Mi scusi.

I can't believe I'm gonna be trapped
in this Italian weirdo's house forever.

Father.

Robert.

Look at the hills.

What?

I can't see it.

Look harder.

They're on the hill.

Dragons on the hill.

Oh my god.

William, what's wrong?

Oh no.

Oh my god, no.

William, what is wrong?

It's dragon.

What?

Dragon.

What are you talking about?

Dragon on the hill.

Mi scusi.

Mi scusi.

- Dragon. Dragon.
- William what are you talking ab...

Look. Look!

Oh my God.

What is going on?

Oh.

Mi scusi, let us go.

Let us go.

Dragon.

Dragon.

Yeah, what the hell was that?

What?

What-what did you do to him?

Uh I got rid of him for us

and I got us out of our shackles
40 days early,

if you hadn't noticed.

He's always like this, by the way.

I am well aware of
William's selfishness, okay?

You have deceived him,

and now he's gonna go back
to that village

and tell them that there's
a dragon coming their way.

Maybe that won't be such a bad thing.

You are unbelievable.

Those people are gonna run into the forest
out of fear of this hypothetical dragon

and break their quarantino.

Don't you feel at all responsible?

No.

No, I don't.

He believed it.

Look, the church bells.

Okay?

They're celebrating.

Oh no.

Now we've done it.

- So a guy got gored to death, right?
- Yeah.

I mean.

Whatever.

Okay.

Well, how was I supposed to know
that pigs would eat them?

Those people are doomed.

What do you want exactly?

Excuse me?

Why are you here?

Okay, I came here to help you
get the manuscripts.

- To "help us" get the manuscript.
- Okay.

You guys, we're all going for
the same thing here okay?

So let's work together please. Come on.

Are you accusing me of something?

No, he's not, it's okay.

Maybe.

Okay, well then spit it out.

I think you are using Robert and me

to get to the manuscript and
claim the lordship for yourself.

Yes.

I thought that was abundantly obvious.

That's what we're all doing.

Oh jeez, you guys.

I cannot believe you.

You are making me want to
marry you slightly less right now.

You can't believe me?

No, no, I can't believe you.

You lied to everyone at every single turn.

So?

I mean, is this manuscript even real?

Of course it is.

Of course it is, right?

Right.

Right.

Yeah.

Of course it is.

My father didn't lie to us.

He didn't lie to his little baby boys,

right when their mom died

and make up a big story about
a manuscript and being Lords

just to give his two little boys
a little bit of hope

and a little bit of optimism in a
world that would never give it to 'em.

Okay?

He did not do that.

It is real.

Besides, I have the locket,

so f… you.

William, you are a storyteller yourself.

Where do you think you got that
skill from?

It is real, right?

Like the manuscript does exist?

Well of course it doesn't.

William, I trusted you.

What will my fate be?

I don't know.

I don't make the fates, okay?

- I just, I-I suggest...
- William, we all make fates

with everything we do and say
all the time.

And if you're not gonna lead me to a
crown then I need to find one myself.

I have been gone from my family for
far too long to return empty-handed.

Okay I am the sole provider
for them and my entire village.

I left in search of something great and
I need to return with something great.

Take the chicken.

I'm not gonna take the chicken.

I-I heard that the prince
is looking for a bride.

Wow.

All right, we're going there.

No, that's an obvious choice.

Classic maiden.

Do you have any idea how hard it
is to be a woman during these times?

No, you don't.

I couldn't do anything before this
plague without the approval of a man.

I couldn't have a child without
consulting with the Lord of my lands.

So if I get the chance to
be Lord, I'm gonna take it.

Heck, I'm gonna be the motherf…
queen.

Wow.

I look forward to your
coronation, Your Majesty.

And I hope

that you have a great time
marrying the prince

and leaving me and Robert
for the sure thing.

I tried William, and
y-you still don't get it.

I hope that you two find
what you're looking for.

Now what?

I don't know.

♪ My brother's an a… ♪

♪ He's a jerk, a… jerk ♪

♪ Hey William ♪

♪ Hey William Shut up ♪

♪ I'm not good enough ♪

♪ Y'know, f… you William ♪

William wait, before you go in.

I have to disguise myself.

Wait, why?

Um…

Tax purposes.

Tax purposes?

So, some years ago,
I was involved in some…

tax evasion, okay?

And it wasn't my fault though, right?

Totally just a big misunderstanding.

But nevertheless, now I must
quickly transform my face.

So as to remove any possibility that
someone from the national authorities

will recognize me, okay?

Robert, Robert.

How are you going to transform
your face?

A thickened brow and
an accentuated mustache

ought to do the trick.

I love costumes.

You know I love costumes.

I just wish it wasn't right now.

How does it look? Very good?

It looks perfect.

Hello?

The front door was unlocked.

Hello?

Hello?

We uh, need to talk to somebody
about a manuscript.

Wow.

This is nice.

Oh yeah.

This…

- is what I'm talking about, Robert.
- Seriously.

Someday soon William,
all of this will be ours.

We'll have ours.

Yeah.

Next time, we'll figure it out.

Very nice.

Hello?

Talk to somebody?

Is this what you call
customer service right here?

Dusty down here.

Hi.

We are here for a long lost manuscript.

Uh huh.

It's called the Prima Doctrine.

If you could shuffle on back
and grab that for us,

that would be wonderful.

We've traveled a long ways,

nearly died like four times.

I don't know if we fill out a form
or you need to talk to someone.

I'm not used to asking
for long lost documents,

but I mean, you probably
know how this works.

You're used to this.

Give us a little bit more here
because we're trying our best.

You got anything like proof?

- Yes we have a map. Thank you.
- Naturally, yes of course.

Robert.

There you go.

Your half of the locket, please.

This is Robert.

He's gonna grab his part of the map.

I don't know who this Robert is
you're speaking of.

I am just a humble

peasant named...

Sa..la..zar.

Salazar,

can you please produce
your half of the locket?

Of course, you just had to ask.

Here you are, one moment please.

There it is.

I'm no expert, but this should
be all the proof you need.

It's sort of a map.

The kind that connect?

Uh I think we're probably up here and
maybe the Prima Doctrine's down here.

It might be the other way
around, I'm not really sure.

You probably know better
than we do actually.

Yea wide, very dusty, very old.

Contains the rules of the land
that will make us Lords, so...

Did you want to see the map
again by the way?

We have it here for you.

The Prima Doctrine is a very
famous long lost manuscript.

And what was it called again?

It's the Prima Doctrine.

Listen.

No such document exists and
even if it did,

I wouldn't give it to the likes of…

you two.

Look who thinks she's
so much better than us.

Wow.

I-I assure you we have a right
to this manuscript.

We came here to get it.

We should be-you-I...

Sir, you're covered in chicken shit.

Who isn't covered in chicken feces?

It's 1349.

- I mean, I...
- Listen,

I'm in an important wedding
going on right now

and I don't need any more distractions.

I'll go check the back.

So you two chuckle f…,
other side of the door.

I'll be right with you.

Sorry? Oh.

Other side of the door.

Right with you.

Okay.

Go now.

Yeah Scarecrow, let's go.

Thank you.

You too, Peter Pan.

You too pendejo, let's go.

- And I can have your word...
- Other side of the door.

Well, I hope dad is proud of me

and all that money you f… spent
for clerk school.

Should be any minute now, I think.

The clerk isn't coming.

I can't believe it.

Is the manuscript even real by the way?

Yes.

Yes.

For the 1000th time, yes.

The manuscript is real, you non-believer.

Okay?

The clerk is giving us the runaround

because she doesn't want me
to become Lord

once I get the manuscript, right?

She wants to look down on us.

Once you're Lord, they have to look up.

You know what these
upper class folks are like.

They don't want people
joining in on the fun.

Sounds like someone else I know.

What?

Sounds like someone else I know.

Say that to my face.

It sounds a lot like you, William.

You wanted the maiden all to
yourself and then you pushed her away.

Well, guess what?

She was our only chance of
getting married

and now one of us has to die.

So we're finally here.

That's right.

You wanna die, Robert?

Then let's finish this.

You've had it coming.

Yeah?

Yeah.

This is the frickin' fog in the tree,

- you've had it coming.
- Fog in the tree, huh?

Great.

I am gonna chop off every one of
your limbs.

What do you want written on your
tombstone when I bury you in the ground?

I am gonna be dancing
in front of your headstone

once I'm wearing the crown, buddy.

We both know you're a terrible
dancer and there isn't a crown.

God, you're infuriating.

I am going to strike you down
in one terrible blow and

this whole nightmare will be over.

You look so stupid in that helmet.

Can I-actually, can I swap with you?

Yeah, fine.

I like this one better anyway.

Robert.

That hurt.

So bad.

♪ I got hit in the eye
Left the rest to die ♪

♪ Our man he speaks and turn our
History stories into lies ♪

♪ I see every man, or woman
and young child ♪

♪ Shadow hangs over a maze
and turn into cries ♪

♪ With god inside my mind ♪

♪ I confess to ease
The lust I feel inside ♪

♪ I dream of you ♪

♪ You are the one for me ♪

What the devil?

Who are you?

I am His Royal Highness, the prince.

Who are you?

We're in for it now.

Who am I?

I am William of Townsend.

You hear that, cock who's
trying to steal our maiden?

Wait, what?

Well if you're here,

who is the prince gonna marry?

What the hell?

I should have married your cousin.

Baby!

You imbeciles have just ruined
your prince's wedding

and cost me the crown.

Now, what am I supposed
to do with my morning gift?

I have all these tiny chairs.

Seize them.

♪ You are the one for me ♪

Let's go.

Do it.

♪ You are the one for me ♪

It's okay.

Wait.

No no, do not fight them.

This will only make it worse.

♪ I dream of you ♪

♪ You are the one for me ♪

That's the man, that's the one you want.

You're under arrest for
tax evasion you little shit.

That's impossible.

I've never paid taxes in my life.

What the f… do you think
tax evasion means,

you diddle f…?

♪ I dream of you ♪

♪ You are the one for me ♪

♪ You are the one for me ♪

All this torture.

I've had

muffins that have given me
more grief than this.

No, this is torture.

This is...

Wait, wait.

Gave that prince a
talking to though, huh?

Yeah, I really wish you'd
kept your mouth shut.

I showed him.

Uh you did? What'd you show him?

I showed him that we're tough and
that he can't just do what he wants to us.

I think he's doing exactly
what he wants to us.

Uh…yeah.

Oh god.

So, you've both been charged with

petty theft, the tax evasion,
disrupting the royal wedding.

Oh, you finally found the manuscript.

And using hay on your face
in a criminal act.

What?

That last one's a law?

Of course it is, you don't waste
perfectly good hay.

What trouble have you
gotten us into now, Robert?

Me? Trouble?

You're the one who
ruined the prince's wedding.

Well I'm in here for tax evasion
and hay disguises,

none of which I took part in.

Oh you took part in plenty, Bucko, okay?

You've been waving a pen
up and down the kingdom.

Now, your stories and lies are
finally catching up to you, aren't they?

Ha. Ha!

All right, all right.

Enough of this marital dispute.

I will see you both in court tomorrow,

William Townsend and Henry of
Toadstool.

Bye.

What?

What did you just call him?

Why did she just call you?

Nothing.

Quick, this way. They're in here.

I can't thank you enough.

You don't have much time.

Wait you got rid of that chicken, right?

That chicken is coming back for you.

Oh hey.

Are you two all right?

Yeah, we're great.

How are you?

I'm sure that you must be hungry.

Uh huh.

My family made the soup for you.

Oh thanks.

Say hi for me.

Oh my gosh, we're relieved.

Why don't you see if your
fiancé can get us out of jail?

You know, he seems like royalty and all.

He is royalty.

When we parted ways, I had
first tried to court the prince,

but he was not interested and
clearly a terrible person.

But that's when I met the
prince's cousin.

Magnificent creature and a kind soul.

We fell in love quickly and got engaged.

It was then that I learned of a royal
decree that the queen had imposed long ago

to encourage her idol son,
the prince to get married.

The decree stated,

the first male heir to be wed, shall
inherit the crown and become king.

This of course, pitted the
prince against his cousin.

The prince too, found a bride
and the wedding was set for today.

But then you two burst in
and ruined the whole event

and ensure that the prince won't
get married.

And then my own wedding tomorrow
will crown me queen.

Don't you see you were wrong
about everything?

There is no Prima Doctrine.

No manuscripts that will crown you Lord.

No, no.

Look.

We have the map right here.

Now, William, did you actually
think that was a map?

It looks nothing like a map.

I mean.

- I mean, if I squint...
- That is just poor craftsmanship.

William, your father was telling
you this royal decree as a fairy tale

to give you two hope.

So, none of it was real?

Yea.

And my life has no meaning.

No, your story became real.

My family and village are
now safe because of you two.

You gave me a crown.

William, you made me queen.

And I am glad for that.

Yeah, me too.

But you know, we're still in prison here.

And I am not queen until tomorrow night.

Yet your trial is tomorrow morning.

The prince will be presiding over it and

he is not happy with you two.

Yeah, he sucks.

All I can do now is just
give you some advice.

Prince is ill with his ego.

You can use that to your advantage.

Definitely play into that.

Perhaps you could seek mercy,

and don't use too much logic on him.

They only make him angry.

Uh okay.

Be the tip of the arrow and know all.

Let the prince unwittingly
follow you to the targets.

That's a target.

I feel like the dumb end
of an arrow's shaft.

Now I must go before the prince
finds out I've been here.

It was really good to see you.

Yeah, it's great to see you.

- We should do it more often.
- Yeah.

Perhaps we can meet up afterwards.

I'll see you both at the trial.

Your fate is hopeful still.

I do need to take these though.

They're family heirlooms.

Sorry.

Uh, bye.

So…

your name

is Henry?

Yeah.

- Of Toadstool.
- Yeah, of Toadstool.

And you're not my brother.

Nope.

When I was a vagabond,

I came upon a man who was dying.

He told me his name and his story.

And he said if I were to come
across a William of Townsend

that I should…

give him his half locket.

My real name is Henry of Toadstool

and I am

a wanderer, a thief

and a tax evader.

I'm so sorry.

This belongs to you

and I-I'm already in jail, but

if you ever get out of this,

I-I'll understand if
you want to press charges.

I'm not going to press charges.

But I'm also not gonna free you.

I guess I'll see you around,

Henry or Robert or
whatever your name is.

No, wait. Don't leave.

They're gonna kill me.

Whoa!

Not too high.

You came back.

Of course I did.

And Henry…

Robert or whatever your name is,

whatever happens tomorrow,
I want you to know

you…

are my brother.

Let's get you out of these shackles.

Let's get the hell out of this place.

Yeah.

Yeah.

- It's so tall.
- I know.

Hopped out the window
and I was like, what?

- Yeah?
- Like, it's so tall man.

Oh man, yeah?

I thought we're in the dungeon
we're like at the top.

What the f…

In here too, and I know it's not the-

What the fuck are you all doing?

Ah, f…

And now we have arrived.

The end of the trail after
the guidance of the maiden,

the foresight of the minstrel,
the aid of the accused witch,

I still find myself here
to be judged by a tyrant.

F… it, I should have just done
whatever I wanted from the beginning.

We are here to judge the case
of these two thieves,

tax evaders, escapees.

And disruptors of holy matrimony.

Uh objection.

This lawyer's been hounding us
for weeks now.

He's got a vendetta or something.

I will prove to you, Your Royal Highness,

beyond a doubt

that these two are guilty of said crimes

and I will do so in a very quick
amount of time.

Perfect.

Uh excuse me, I don't think
it's that open and shut of a case

just for the record here.

Thank you.

Thank you for speaking up.

You're welcome.

I would like to call Eustace, son of
Randolph the robber, to the stand.

Eustace?

Know who that is?

Oh, it's that guy.

Oh f…

Tell me, good fellow.

What is your relation
to these two accused?

Attempted thief of

and victim of

their fantastical stories.

They promised me a shave

and they told me that I was handsome.

I went around town for days
bragging about my new cut

until one day found a piece of glass

on where I gazed upon
my unshaven face.

And your honor will never be restored.

His honor? He's a self-proclaimed thief.

Is anyone else hearing this?

Silence, you sniveling twats.

Throw the book at him.

I would now like to call

the traveling minstrel to the stand.

No, no, not this guy.

Oh, oh it's him.

Oh, hey, hi.

Remember me?

That's them.

Sure, they might have saved my life.

Well, two of them did.

He just stood there and laughed.

Yeah, see I was buried in a
grave and then it's a long story.

But that's them. Great pants though.

I wrote a book, okay?

It's sort of a philosophy,
kind of new age-y a little bit.

But it's about being the tip
of the arrow and not the shaft.

You know what I'm talking about.

I wrote a song about it.

Sing along if you know the words.

♪ Don't be the shaft
When you can be the tip ♪

♪ If you want some
Just give it a little sip ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Anyways.

I now call,

the chicken of Rootberry to the stand.

Tell me,

honorable chicken.

How have you been threatened
by these two accused?

Don't you say a fucking word.

I'll bury your whole family in the ground.

I'll squash every egg you ever lay.

I'll kill you if you say
anything. I'm threatening you.

Exactly, Your Royal Highness.

Exactly.

Uh, is it going well?

I would now like to call

John Francesco Dimonfelthrou
to the stand.

Of course.

I will tell the court,

exactly how these two men molested me

and the whole city.

Okay, no no.

That's bad choice of words.

Bad translating.

You could have said anything
and you said that? Come on.

I touched him a little bit
but it was on the shoulder.

He was in the way.

They made me believe
there was a dragon-

that was coming to destroy the city.

Their words-

were so expressive and vivid,

that I saw the dragon with my own eyes.

I warned the people of the city,

and we fled into the wild.

But no dragon ever came,

Mm. Mm.

And the people of my village
never returned.

Um mi scusi, mi scusi.

Please refrain from speaking to
the witness.

I was speaking at the witness.

Yeah and by the way,
when do we get to talk?

Because we haven't had a chance yet.

I don't know if you've been
paying attention.

Yeah.

Now, come before me and tell me
why I should not have you both killed

right here and now?

Okay.

Me?

Yeah, yeah.

Alrighty.

Enough.

Your Igleness.

I…

I'm going to be honest with you.

We are guilty of-of every crime
that we've been accused of.

Even the chicken stuff.

I say this not to gain your sympathy

but to hopefully gain

your respect
because we-we clearly lost it

somewhere

in all this madness.

Maybe when I threatened
to cut off your…

regal ponytail.

We broke the laws of your land.

We intruded upon your
most sacred and holy day.

And for that, we are…

eternally,

regretful.

Eternally regretful.

We bow now to you to show

our regret.

Let the record show…

our foreheads touched the table.

We bowed so low in regret.

But you have a choice to make today.

You can either fall victim
to your reactionary tendencies.

Yes, you want to kill us.

Obviously, I can see it in your eyes.

Uh or you could exercise true power

and…forgive.

For it is he who forgives
that holds true power.

Who else is clapping?

I'm clapping, William.

Besides, the thief's beard would
have grown back in a couple of days,

the chicken can't talk

and no one understands what the
Italian health minister is trying to say.

Mi scusi.

Has anyone heard the one about
the arrow?

Oh yea you forget young peasant
that I am divinely appointed

a living extension of God himself.

His will becomes mine and my
will is that you two be put to death

on this very day in the year of Lord 1349.

His will be done.

God save the crown and this holy court.

♪ If I'm afraid of goodbyes ♪

♪ I would like to greet
The ends of the earth ♪

♪ Everything dies in this heavy hearth ♪

♪ Packed my bags of blue ♪

♪ And kick up the days ♪

Brother?

Do you see them?

It's dragons.

Dragons on the hill.