All language subtitles for Ted.S01E05.1080p.PCOK.WEB.h264-ETHEL

- ♪ My words are lazy,
my thoughts are hazy ♪

♪ But this is one
thing I'm sure of ♪

♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

- ♪ Night and party every day ♪

♪ I wanna rock and
roll all night ♪

- Thanks, buddy.

- You know, I used to think
the words to this song were,

"I want to rock and roll all
night and part of every day."

Like... like, they're only
going to rock and roll

for, like, a portion of the
day and also take time out

for things like
meals and, you know,

time with family and children.

- There's a lot going
on with this song, man.

This is a rock and
roll song about wanting

to enjoy a rock and roll song.

Does that actually make
it a rock and roll song?

- You know what, I'll
do you one better.

Ready to get mind fucked?
- Give it to me.

- The song the "Monster Mash"
is a song about a dance called

the Monster Mash, which is based

on a song called the
"Monster Mash," which is not

the song the "Monster Mash."

- Holy shit.
- Yeah.

- I don't want to
be high anymore.

- Well, kids make all kinds
of messes, don't they?

One time when he was
eight, John stole

a hot dog from the store.

He put it in his pocket.

And it went through the wash.

No.

It came out in one piece.

Isn't that amazing?

Oh, God was smiling
on us that day.

- Oh, for Christ's sakes.

Susan!

- Holy shit.

Did we die?

- Yeah, I think...

I think we died.

- I'm sorry, Matty.

I plugged in the eggbeater.

- Why are you
using the eggbeater

when I'm watching "Star Search"?

- I was making us brownies.

- Now I'm not going to know who
the new stars are going to be.

- Well, I don't
have to finish them.

I'll just throw the batter out.

- Well, if you
already started them,

you might as well finish them.

- OK.

- I gotta go reset the breaker.

Out of my way, Johnny.

- Oh, my God.

They can see us. We
must still be alive.

- Oh, wow, a second chance.

OK, this time, you be the cute
one, and I'll be the hot one.

- OK.

- Breaker is busted.

- Oh, man. Really?

- Matty, is it all right?

- Oh, breaker is shot to hell.

I'll have to call the
guy in the morning.

- So we don't have
power till tomorrow?

- Yes, Susan.

That's what a busted
breaker means.

- Well, this isn't so bad.

We could light some
candles, play some games,

maybe read aloud to each
other from our favorite books.

- Or we could take
a Sharpie and circle

the parts on each other's bodies

we think need improvement.

That sounds more fun.

- Shut up, you guys.

Sus, yes.

That sounds like a great idea.

Let's go find the games.
- OK.

Be careful, Blaire.

There's a gun down
here somewhere.

But I don't remember
where it is.

- That's comforting.

- Let's see now.

I think there's a Trivial
Pursuit in one of these boxes.

- Why is the floor wet?

- I know, we're supposed
to get that fixed.

But I like to come down
here during the summer

and cool my feet.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, sweetie.

- Hey, all right.
- Hey, there we go.

- Box was working just fine.

- Well, it wasn't
when I was down there.

I don't know what to tell you.
- It's OK, honey.

We know you were
scared of the spider.

- What the fuck are
you talking about?

- There was a spider on the box.

He's always been
scared of the spiders.

- Wait, you were just going
to fucking let us sit here

and read aloud from books?

- Screw all of you.

- Matty, why?

- I'm not scared of the
goddamn spider, Susan.

The breaker wasn't working.

I'm going down to Trammell's.

- And he pulls the fucking
ripcord, just like always.

- What the hell is
that supposed to mean?

- Any time you're losing
an argument, you leave.

You just walk out the door.

- Matty, honey.
You can't leave.

You haven't made
stool yet today.

- Jesus Christ, Susan.

- Well, the doctor says if
it's been more than two days,

you need to call him.

- I did it yesterday.
It was a good one.

- Like a mother hen
crowing over her egg.

- You all watch this.

When he comes back, everyone's
going to apologize to him

because he's manipulating
the circumstances to make it

seem like he's the victim.

- I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have told
them about the spiders.

- No, see?
- I'm so sorry.

- This is what I'm
talking about, OK?

He's the one acting
like a whining baby.

He should be apologizing to you.

- I shouldn't have
embarrassed him, OK?

I think it's cute that
you're scared of the spider.

- I'm not scared of spiders!

- God, this is so fucked.

This is just classic
dysfunctional, fucked up,

white trash marriage.

- Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. What?

- What do you mean, what?

Your wife is trying
to engage with you.

And you're dismissing
her like an asshole.

And you do it all the time.

- Susan, am I an asshole?

- Oh, of course not, Matty.

You're a veteran.

- See?

You think they'd send
an asshole to Vietnam?

- Weren't you
dishonorably discharged?

- No, I wasn't
dishonorably discharged

or honorably discharged.

- How the hell does that work?

- Just exactly like I just said.

- So the army basically
said, it's not you.

It's us.
- That's right.

- We're not sure we're
ready to have anybody

in the army right now.

- More or less.

- The army just wants to
focus on the army for a while.

- See? He gets it.

- Aunt Sus, he is so fucking
disrespectful to you.

And you never stick
up for yourself.

I swear to God, you guys
need marriage counseling.

- Oh, fuck that.

- What's the matter? Are
you scared of therapy too?

- Oh, shit.
- Oh, it's on, fuckers.

- I'm not going to pay some
shrink 80 bucks to sit there

and show me inkblots that
all look like priests

with their dicks out.

- Well, I think that's
already progress.

- Huh?

- Look, I have a proposal.

I've saved up a little money

working extra shifts
at the coffee shop.

As my Christmas gift to
you and Susan this year,

I will pay for one marriage
counseling session.

All you got to do is show up.

- Oh, Matty, can we?

- Jesus, Susan.

What will we even talk about?

- Oh, we can talk about how
much we love each other.

- OK. You know what?

Fine.

We'll go, just to show you
that you're full of shit,

and Susan and I have
a great marriage.

In fact, you know what,
let's go right now.

It's not open at 9:00 p.m.

- Oh.

And the bullshit begins.

- Now, of course, the most
well-known singularity

in Frost poem is
the repetition of,

"And miles to go
before I sleep,"

which refers not to
literal sleep but to death

and the overwhelming...

- Is there something
you'd like to share

with the class, Miss Lyons?

- We were just wondering if
your pants are big enough.

- Excuse me?

- It just seems like
there's a little fashion

emergency going on.

Did you get your pants
from the lost and found?

- Yeah, these pants
are a little big.

They were my dad's.

Why am I wearing my dead
father's pants, you ask?

Because I've moved
back in with my mother.

My wife left me two weeks ago
for a racquetball teacher.

Happy now?
- God, chill out.

It was a joke.

- I'd love to chill out, Erin.

I really would.

But you know what, life
has other plans for me.

My wife says he
makes eye contact

with her when they make love.

With me, it's either eye
contact or an erection.

You have to choose one.

And silly me, I thought the
right choice was the erection.

Well, I had a 50/50
shot, didn't I?

Turns out she wants eye contact.

And now that I've moved
back in with Mother,

I have to masturbate into the
toilet because my bed squeaks.

Of course, if you
ask my ex-wife,

the toilet is where
Mr. George's sperm belongs.

Now there's a joke, Erin.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

- Mr. George, can we
have a talk in my office?

- Gee, I wonder
what this is about.

Everyone, please
read pages 81 to 96.

I'm kidding. I
don't give a shit.

- I think that's enough
emotional trauma for the day.

Why don't you kids
go home early?

- Man, that was insane, huh?

- Yeah. Those
cheerleaders are mean.

- That's... that's
what you got from that?

- Well, at least we
got the afternoon off.

- Street hockey?
- Street hockey.

- Fuck yeah.

- All right, this is it, baby.

You're going down.
- Yeah, fuck you, Bobby Orr.

Take your best shot.

Oh!

And Bennett chokes in the
final seconds of the game.

This is an absolute disgrace.

- Ah, shit.

- Look at the
disappointed faces on all

these Make-A-Wish
kids who only wanted

to see a Bruins victory.

- Teddy...

- This is a stunning
upset fueling

an anger the fans will no
doubt take out on their wives.

And I got to say, Don...
- Shut the fuck up, all right?

I got to ask you something.
- What?

- Do you think Blaire is right?

Like, do my parents have
a fucked up marriage?

- Well, that's one of those
tough to answer questions,

Johnny, like where did you find
Teddy bear sized hockey gear?

I just don't know.

- And if they are
having problems,

is any of it my fault?

I mean, what can I do?

- Well, I'm just brainstorming.

But it seems like,
maybe, hurting yourself

could teach him a lesson.

- Gee, I never thought of that.

Then I'd be in
charge of the pain.

- Exactly.
- Only I know what I deserve.

And I'd give myself
just that much.

- Yeah, you know,
I'm just now starting

to see some cracks in this.

- Hey, how'd it go?

- I paid 80 bucks
for that session,

and you just fucking walked out?

- That quack had it
in for me the second I

walked in that door.

You know what he said?
You know what he said?

He said I'm selfish.

- Oh, shocker.

- Yeah, he said, I need
to compromise more.

Can you believe
that fucking shit?

I'm working a 60-hour week just
to keep a roof over our heads.

- He does work a lot.

- See? Even she gets it.

Everything I do,
I do it for you.

- Wait, so you're
saying, you can't tell me

it's not worth trying for.

- Exactly.
- Like, I can't help it.

There's nothing I want more.
- See?

You know it's true.

- Oh, my God.

- Shit, I can't
believe he said it.

- Oh, fucking amazing.

- What?

- It's Bryan Adams.

Oh, what a treat.
What a treat.

- Matty, the whole
point of this was

for you to get a neutral
perspective on your marriage.

- He was not neutral.

He agreed with
everything she said.

And he took a shit
on everything I said.

- So let me get this straight.

So no one's neutral unless they
agree with you all the time.

Got it.

- The guy's a
Harvard fancy pants.

He doesn't understand
regular guys.

The bartender down
at Trammell's always

thinks I'm right.

In fact, he just said
to me last night,

"You've made your point.
You can go home now."

- OK. So let's figure this out.

If Dr. Feldstein's not
neutral, then who would be?

Who would you accept
as a neutral arbiter?

- Someone with no
fucking agenda.

Like Ted.

- Ted?

- Yeah, he's an even guy,
minds his own business.

He's neutral.

- That's an interesting idea.

So you'd accept Ted
as a neutral arbiter?

- Absolutely.

- Fuck it. What
do you say, Ted?

- About what?

Sorry. I was doing
these Mad Libs.

Four score and seven cocks ago.

- That's better
than the real one.

- Focus.

Would you be willing to listen
to Susan and Matty's sides

and then make an
objective judgment call?

- What do you mean, like
a... like a therapist?

- Not therapy, just listening.

- Oh, Blaire.

It's all right if
he doesn't want to.

I can just watch "Oprah."

And maybe they'll have a
topic that applies to me.

- Will you do it?

- Well, in the words
of Abraham Lincoln,

a diarrhea divided against
itself cannot John's wiener.

- Oh, come on, man.
Don't put that.

- OK. I'll erase it.

- You know, the suit
wasn't necessary.

- Blaire, please.

Johnny is my best friend.

He's got a stake in this.

So if I'm doing it,
I'm doing it right.

Now let's start with the basics.

Would you classify your marriage

as sexually satisfying?

- What?

- How often would you
say you have intercourse?

- That's none of your
goddamn business.

- Look, why don't
we just stick...

- Every six months.
- Every six months.

And what about anal?

- Dude, seriously.
- Jesus Christ.

- We do like the
room to be clean.

Yeah.

- She said, yes.

Hilarious.

OK, now I want you
to turn to each other

and say the meanest
thing you can think of.

- Ted, why don't you
ask them something

productive like how they met,

what originally drew
them to each other?

- All right.

Matty, what originally
attracted you to Susan?

- Her innocence.

- Oh, OK.

- What?

- I thought...

I already wrote it's...

it's fine.

Susan.

- His heart.

- His heart.

- When Matty and I first met,

he bought us tickets to
see Simon & Garfunkel.

It was a Friday.

And he'd been working
since 6:00 a.m.

Poor Matty was so tired.

- Well, if there's any
cure for being tired,

it's Simon & Garfunkel.

- We'd never seen them up close.

So when we got
there, Matty realized

that Garfunkel was a man.

So we had to leave.
- Wait, why?

- Two men shouldn't
be singing harmony.

- Dad, I thought you
liked Hall & Oates?

- That's different.
- Why?

- Because they sing in unison.

Or they take turns, one
and then the other one.

That's OK.

- What about Crosby,
Stills & Nash?

- They're all right for now.

But I'm keeping my eye on them.

You're a complicated man.

- I'm still waiting
for the heart part.

- Well, we got in the car.

And Matty drove home, and
he got his record player.

And he took me to Boston Common.

And we had a picnic
on the lawn while we

listened to Sonny & Cher.

And he bought me a rose.

And he danced with me
right there on the grass.

You remember that?
- Of course I do.

- Matty, you did that?

- Yeah.

It was beautiful.

She was this wicked
smart college girl.

And I wanted to impress her.

See? I'm a good guy.

That prick fuck
shrink was way off.

So fuck everybody.

- Mom, I didn't know
you went to college.

- Yeah, me neither.

What did you study?

- Well, I was going to teach.

- You were going
to be a teacher?

Susan, that's amazing.

- I'd gotten my credentials.

And I was all ready
to apply for a job.

And then I got married.

- Why couldn't you do both?

- Well, it just
didn't seem practical

with the groceries
and the laundry.

- Well, I mean, have you ever
thought of going back to it?

I think you'd be great.

- Oh, no, no.

That was a long time
ago. No, I couldn't.

- Susan, I really think
you could do this.

- Jesus! She said
she's not interested.

- Should I make
some chocolate milk?

- Oh, yeah. Chocolate milk.

- Chocolate milk.
- No, Susan.

For God's sake.
- Therapy over.

We're doing chocolate milk now.

- Guys, come on.

This woman does everything
for all of us in this house.

And nobody ever does a
goddamn thing for her.

And now she's sitting
here telling us

something that's important.

- That's horse shit.
I do a ton of stuff.

- You?

What do you do for Susan?

- I pay for everything
she owns and eats.

- OK, how about we
all just sit with what

Matty just said, while Susan
gets on that chocolate milk?

- I'll get that for you.

- Well, I think I
just proved my point

that this marriage is perfect.

- Yeesh, I couldn't say
this in front of them.

But they were both
clearly molested.

- Guys, believe it or not,

I think we did great.

- Really?
- Yeah.

We just found out Susan has no
identity outside this family.

I mean, she's a
wife. She's a mother.

But that's it.

She could be so much more.

And it's so obvious that
deep down, she wants to be.

- You got all that from
her saying she does anal?

Man, you should be
the pretend therapist.

- I mean, I hear you, Blaire.

But what are we supposed to do?

- I don't know yet.

But somehow, we got to
help her find her voice.

I mean, we're the only
ones that can do it.

- Couldn't agree more, Blaire.

Delusional narcissist.

- Excuse me?

- Note to self, stop
saying what you write.

- God, look at her.

She's so fucking hot.
- Yeah.

Too bad she's a bitch.

- I don't even care.

She could treat me like crap.
I'd still let her jerk me off.

- Oh, you should
tell her, Johnny.

I'm sure she'd love to hear it.
- All right, fuck you, man.

- No, really, what a
feather in her cap.

- Hey, I'm just saying,
hypothetically, if she asked,

I would say yes.

- That's what she's telling
her friend right now.

She's saying, see that kid
over there in Lee jeans?

I want to bring him to climax.

But will he let me?

- Hey, guys.

- Oh, hey, Andrew. Hey, Polly.

- Did you hear what
happened to Mr. George?

- No, what?
- He got fired.

- No shit. Why?

- They caught him in
the faculty lounge

screaming at his own dick.

- Oh, that's what that was.

Yeah, I heard yelling coming
out of there yesterday.

- You're not going
to let me fuck?

I'm not going to let you pee!

- Well, do they have
someone to replace him?

- I don't know.

I think they're
trying to find a sub.

- Teddy.
- What?

- They're looking for a sub.
- Yeah, so?

- So what about Mom?

- Susan?

- Yeah. Why not?

I mean, you remember
what Blaire said,

no one ever does
anything for her.

- I mean, yeah.

But you really want your
mother teaching your class?

I mean, you remember what
happened to Todd Greene?

He yelled goodbye to his mother.

And now he's got to eat
lunch with the janitor.

- I don't care.

- People are
shitting in his desk.

- Look, Teddy. We
got to at least try.

Let's go talk to the principal.

- Well, I have to admit,

we're in a bit of a bind here.

Does Mrs. Bennett have any
prior teaching experience?

- Well, no, but she's
got all her credentials.

- I see.

- Oh, she's the one
who taught me how

to use the bathroom by myself.

- Yeah, last August, right?

- Oh, shut up, man.

Fuck you.
- All right, man.

- What's that?
- I don't fucking know.

- Do you know if
your mother would

be willing to take
this on for what

may be an indefinite period?

- I mean, she has always
wanted to be a teacher.

She just couldn't because
she had to do laundry.

- There's a lot of laundry so...

- I know she'd do
a wicked good job.

- OK, listen. How about this?

You hire her.

And the next time there's
an anti-drug assembly,

and they ask for questions,
I will ask a question.

- Teddy, don't.
What, are you crazy?

- Quiet, John, quiet.

I will ask a question
of the speaker.

- No one has ever asked
a question at assembly.

- I will ask one.

- A real question?
- Yes.

Not like a, can we see your
nipple, kind of question,

like, a real one.

- Like, how can I help ensure

my school remains drug-free?

- Like, who should I tell if
I suspect a peer is on drugs?

- Good God.
- Teddy, no, no.

- Shut up, John.
- It's not worth it.

- Shut up. This is for Susan!

- You have your deal.

And may God have
mercy on your soul.

Now get out of this office
before I kick your ass myself.

- Yes, ma'am, thank you.
- Thank you, thank you so much.

- Thank you.

- God, I love this job.

♪ And that's
the monster mash ♪

- What do you
think? Is it a hit?

- I just told you.

There's already a song
called the "Monster Mash."

- Oh, no, Blaire.
Jesus Christ.

Look at the diagram again.

So this song the "Monster Mash"
was inspired by this dance

the Monster Mash.

But the song the "Monster Mash,"

which is about the
dance the Monster Mash,

which was inspired by the
song the "Monster Mash"

is not the song the
"Monster Mash," all right?

That song does not
exist in our universe.

- Ever since 1962, we have been
living in the outer circle.

And we don't even know it.

Teddy and I have written the
song the "Monster Mash"...

- Which will take our reality
to the innermost circle

for the first time in the
history of the cosmos.

- All we need is
$2,000 for studio time.

- I'll save you
the time right now.

Nobody in 1993 is going to
give a shit about a song

called the "Monster Mash."

- Why not?

- Because all the good music now

is about shit that matters,
people with real stories.

I mean, don't you guys
listen to hip-hop?

- OK, OK, how about this?

Both: ♪ And that's
the monster mash ♪

- ♪ It's hard being Black ♪

- John.

- Hey, Mom.

- I just got a call
from the principal.

- Really?

- They want me to take
over for Mr. George.

- They do?

- Yeah.

And, John, they said
it was your idea.

Is that true?

- Are you mad?

- No, no.

I'm just overwhelmed.

- Well, you're going
to do it, right?

- Well, I don't know.

- Oh, my God.

You have to say yes.
This is your chance.

- Well, if I'm working, then
who's going to let the mailman

in to use the bathroom?

- Listen to me.

This is about you doing
something for yourself.

- Well, if it's what you want.

- No, Jesus. It's
not about me.

It's about what you want.

This was your dream.
I mean, come on.

You got to give yourself a
chance to see it through.

- You're not embarrassed
to have your mother

teaching your class?

- I already walk around
school with my Teddy bear.

I think I'll be fine.

- Oh, John.

Thank you.
- OK, oh, God.

Oh, Jesus, Ma.
- Thank you so much.

Oh, I'm so excited.
I'm all flushed.

I'm going to go stand
in the basement water.

- John, you did that for her?

- Well, yeah.

You know, you said nobody ever
does anything for her so...

- Yeah, you know, we're
not all about smoking weed

and scouring the
beaches of the world

looking for the perfect wave.

We care.

- It's increasingly
possible that the two of you

might not be total fuck-ups.

- I'm OK!

I'm OK.

- Susan, get out
of the basement!

I'm watching TV.

Good morning, everyone.

Hi.

I'm your substitute
teacher, Mrs. Bennett.

- Fuck yeah. Great start.

I'm a
little new at this.

So I hope you'll
be patient with me.

I was told you're
studying American poets

of the early 20th century.

Is that right?

- Yeah, yeah. That's right.

- OK.

Now let's see.

It looks like Mr. George
left off with T.S. Eliot.

Yeah?

OK, well, you know, I
have a very special place

in my heart for T.S. Eliot.

He wrote those wonderful
poems about cats.

And when I was a little
girl, whenever I'd get sick

and I'd stay home in bed,

my mother would
read me those poems.

They always made me feel better.

Did I say something funny?

- You're saying
you're a cat lady?

- Yes, yes.

I guess I am a cat lady.

- Well, that
explains the blouse.

- The blouse?

Does it look OK?

- Yeah, it looks great.

Actually, my grandma has
curtains in her bathroom.

And I think that they
might be the same pattern.

- Oh, what a funny coincidence.

- Leave her alone, Erin.
- Yeah.

Some of us are here to learn.

- Aren't you the guy who asked
the question at assembly?

- A lot of people wanted
to know about the long-term

side effects of drugs.

- Mrs. Bennett, did you pick
out the blouse yourself?

- Yeah.

"Old Possum's Book
of Practical Cats."

- Did you pick out the
skirt yourself too?

- I did.

Is there something
wrong with my skirt?

- I mean, not unless
you're someone who thinks

Marshalls is too pricey.

- Hey, Erin.

Hi. Ted.

We've never officially
talked. But I know your work.

Listen, I think Susan's
doing a terrific job.

So I figured this is a good time

to tell you, we all
know about the nose job

you had last year.

You didn't fool anybody.

Because we all remember
before the surgery

when you tried to
kiss Danny Santucci,

and you poked his eye out.

Also, and everybody in
town knows this except you.

Your dad is really your uncle,
which may have subconsciously

fucked you up and caused you
eating disorder, which is also

no secret because
everybody's heard you

throwing up in the bathroom.

And also, I recently
found out you're

a virgin, which is
interesting, because you've

been lying about that too.

So I hope you do give
your boyfriend fellatio

because at least then
there's something

going down your throat
besides your finger.

That about cover it?

- Jesus Christ, Teddy.

- Sorry.

We don't do enough
for Susan at home.

So I felt obligated
to say those things.

- Well, go ahead, Susan.

- Well, go ahead and read

"The Love Song of
J. Alfred Prufrock."

I'll be right back.

- You know, before
Mrs. B., I didn't

care nothing about reading.

But she opened my eyes.

These poems really are
just like rap songs.

- Oh, sweetie.

Are you OK?

- I'm a total fucking loser!

- Oh, honey.

No, no, you're not.

You're a very special girl.

I just know it.

- I'm a fucking disaster.

My whole life is an
absolute fucking mess.

- You're 16.

Your life hasn't
even started yet.

You can still be
anyone you want to be.

- I'm sorry I was such a bitch.

- You know, when I was your age,

I used to think my
ears were too big.

And then one day I saw
a picture in a magazine

of a girl with a deformed
ear because her mother smoked

while she was in the womb.

It was awful.

It was like a little
piece of popcorn.

And then I realized
that maybe I had more

to be grateful for than
I knew because at least I

had both my ears.

I think about that
girl in the magazine.

And I just...

I hope somebody gave her a
job where she doesn't have

to interact with the public.

- That's fucked up,
like, all of it,

every part of that story.

- You are perfect
just the way you are.

And I'm sure your
parents tell you that

every day, don't they?

- No, not really.

They're just
obsessed with solving

my brother's stupid murder.

- Oh.

- It's, like, you
have a daughter too.

- Would you like
some chocolate milk?

- No, I'm OK.

You're a really nice
lady, Mrs. Bennett.

- So I want to
hear all about it.

- You would have been
wicked proud of her, Blaire.

She did great.
- Yeah.

I mean, I was having
trouble with a math problem.

And then she converted the units

into items from my street.

And I got it.

- It was a memorable experience.

- God, Aunt Sus, I just have
to say, I am so proud of you.

You've wanted this for decades.

And it's finally yours.

- By the way, I didn't
know that girl's brother

was murdered when
I said that stuff.

- I mean, really,
you stepped up.

And you did it.

- Yeah.

- What's the matter?

- Blaire, I'm not going back.

- You're not?

- No.

- Why?

- It's just not for me.

- Well, look.

I'm sure there were a few bumps.

But it's just your first day.

Next time, it's going
to be even better.

- Blaire, I'm not like you.

You want something different
out of life than I do.

Years ago, I wanted to teach.

But somewhere along the line...

well, it's different now.

You know, I admire how
strong you are and...

and what you want
from the world.

But it's not who I am.

I'm happy with my life.

- But your life can't just
be about chocolate milk

and Matty's stools.

- You know, I'm just
putting it together now.

But you think all the lactose
is maybe the reason he's so...

- Oh, Blaire. I don't
see it that way at all.

I mean, the best part
of my day was helping

that girl with the nose job.

- Oh, it's a terrible nose job.
- It's a terrible nose job.

And I didn't want her
to feel badly about it.

But just being there for
her made me feel so good.

That's my special power, Blaire,

helping people who need me.

Making them happy is
what makes me happy.

- I have to be honest, Aunt Sus.

I don't understand how
that can be enough.

I mean, you know
you can do both.

- I don't want to.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to yell.

- No, it's OK.

- Are you OK?

- Yeah.
- Oh, my gosh.

Oh, Matty, you're limping.

- Oh, my goddamn
gout's killing me.

- Oh, no. You want
me to take a look?

- No, no, no, no. You
don't want to see this.

My big toe looks like a
frog holding his breath.

- Well, last time it was
a cob of Indian corn.

So it must be getting better.

- Yeah, well, it hurts
like a shithouse.

- Matty, why don't we go
upstairs to the bedroom,

and you can show
me your toe, OK?

- All right.

Oh, so many steps.

- I know.

- I just want to
go on the record

that I don't approve of
this kind of enabling.

- Well, if this week
has taught us anything,

it's that what matters
most is Blaire's approval.

- Ha, hilarious.

Fuck you.
- Yeah, smoke up.

- It just bums me out, you know,

that the women of Aunt
Susan's generation

can be happy with so little.

- Yeah, I know what you mean.

I don't like those women either.

They need to have
more ambition like us.

- But you get what
I'm saying, right?

I mean, people just
walk all over her.

And she just smiles and
keeps on like vacuuming

the fucking floor.

- I mean, she kind of
told you to fuck off.

- Yeah, I guess mission
accomplished, huh?

- This is going to
be a thing, isn't it,

the three of us getting high?

- Yeah, it sure is.
- Yeah, enjoy your new life.

- Fuck.

- Remember when I
was a therapist?

- ♪ Oh, you've got a head
full of someone dreadful ♪

♪ And yet alas that
someone adores you ♪

♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

♪ I'm just a clown ♪

♪ And I'll bring you down ♪

♪ But you just don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause your best
friend is me ♪