All language subtitles for South Park Season 6 Episode 1 Jared Has Aides

I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time.

Friendly faces everywhere.

Humble folks
without temptation.

Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind.

Ample parking day or night.

People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!"

Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind.

Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy.

Timmy, Timmy,
liv-a-la, Timmy!

Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine.

Shut up, you guys.
Shut up, you guys.

Hello, Chitty Wok.

Take order, please.

Hello, is this City Wok?

Yes, this Chitty Wok.

Yes, we'd like one
order of the city beef.

Chitty beef.

And I'll have the city chicken.

Chitty chicken.

Oh, dude, look.

It's that commercial with
the guy that lost 400 pounds

eating at Subway sandwiches.

He's still looking good.

His name is Jared.

His name is Jared.

And he likes to eat
the sandwiches.

Hey, fellas.

Hey, Kenny.

Now, gosh darn it,
my name's not Kenny.

Kenny's dead,

and you're all gonna have to
learn to deal with that.

Okay, not-Kenny.

Hey, South Park!

You can meet Jared in person,
March 6th,

at the Kenny McCormick
Memorial Town Square.

Oh, boy!
Jared's coming to town!

Dude, that's today!

We got to get down there.
Come on, not-Kenny.

Now, gosh darn it,
my name's not not-Kenny.

Okay.
Come on, not not-Kenny.

Oh, I-I'm getting steamed now!

Hello?! Chitty Wok!

Chitty Wok!
Take order, please!

Excuse me.
Can we get through here?

Hell, no! I've been saving
this spot for six hours.

His name is Garrison,
Mr. Garrison.

He lost 10 pounds
taking Jared's lead.

Here he comes!

He's still looking good.

With all those s-sandwiches.

Thank you all so much.

You know, after a year of eating
delicious sub sandwiches,

I've proven weight loss is easy!

And I promise you I will
always be your faithful leader

in easy weight loss.

- All right!
- Yeah!

That guy ate all the sandwiches
he wanted and lost weight.

He is so cool.

Mr. Fogle?

Some fans wanted to see
if you'd sign their sandwich.

Sure.
Let them in.

Hi, kids.

It's Jared.

Dude, did you really lose
all that weight

eating nothing
but sub sandwiches?

I sure did.

And... W-Well, I-I also had
a little help on the side.

What kind of help?

Well, eating sub sandwiches
was a big part of it.

But the way that I lost
so much weight

was that I got aides.

- A-AIDS?
- That's right.

I got aides about two years ago,

and I've been losing weight
ever since.

It's amazing how slim
you can get with aides.

- I'll bet you can.
- Would you like to meet them?

- Them?
- My aides.

Scott!
Tyler!

Scott is my personal trainer,
and Tyler is my dietitian.

Hello!

A-I-D-E-S aides.

Yeah.
Hooray for aides!

That's not really what you say
in the commercial.

I know. You kind of have to read
the fine print at the bottom.

It says I only ate
a half-size lean turkey sandwich

with no mustard or mayo
or anything like that

and then had proper diet
and exercise aides.

But you're lying to people.

If they knew you didn't just eat
all the sandwiches you want,

you might not be so popular.

Y-You think so?
Well, why should it matter?

It matters, dude.

That penis butt didn't lose
weight eating sub sandwiches.

He lost weight because he ate
less of them and exercised.

It's only in America
somebody can become famous

because they go from being
a big fat ass

to not being a big fat ass.

Oh, my God, you guys.

I think I'm having
a genius moment.

Yes.
Yes!

It's coming to me now.

That... That's diarrhea.

No. Don't you see
what this all means?

Anybody could do what he did.

What's to stop someone else
from going to say, City Wok,

and cutting a deal with them...

Say they'll eat nothing
but their Chinese food,

but then eat only a little
tiny bit of it and exercise?

Then City Wok could say their
food makes you lose weight.

That's right, Stan.
It's a cash cow, I tell you.

That's a great idea!

Lose weight and make money.

I tell you, this is
gonna be the greatest thing

that Butters has ever done.

Me?!

Who do you think I'm talking
about, Butters... Joyce Dewitt?

Oh, no. I thought you meant you.
Y-You're the fat one.

I can't lose weight, Butters,
because I'm not fat.

I'm big-boned.

You can't slim down bones,
stupid.

But Butters isn't fat.

That's my whole point.

First we fatten him up.

Then we make the deal
with City Wok.

- Then take the weight back off.
- He's right.

If Butters is naturally skinny,

he'll be able
to take the weight off faster.

But, fellas, if I get fat,
my parents will ground me.

Oh, come on! Just think about
how famous you'll be.

You mean like Jared?

Yeah, dude!
You'll be just like Jared!

Well, the heck with that!
You said Jared was a "penis butt".

You wouldn't be a penis butt.
You'd be famous.

Just think about all those
people following you around,

singing songs to you just
'cause you lost some weight.

His name is Butters.

It's Butters.

Used to be fat
but not no more.

City Wok brought him
down to a size 4.

Now he's got lots of moneys
and girls.

And a lifetime
of free food at City Wok.

Christine, you know I love you
very much,

and I-I can't wait
for the wedding.

I love you, too, Jared.
You changed my whole life.

Her name is Jonas,
Christine Jonas.

She lost 40 pounds
when she met Jared and...

I-I know, I know.

But, uh, some young boys
were talking to me earlier,

and they made me think

that people might not be
so proud of my weight loss

if they knew something.

Jared, what's this all about?

Christine, this probably isn't
gonna matter to you at all,

but... I have aides.

What?!

Yeah, I have aides.

I've had aides since
before we were together.

What... What are you thinking?
Are you bummed?

Am I bummed?!

You've had AIDS all this time,
and you knew it?

Well, of course I knew it.

Why the hell
wouldn't you tell me?

I didn't think it was
that big of a deal.

Not that big of a deal?!
I slept with you!

Aren't you overreacting
a little bit?

But Jesus Christ!
We're supposed to get married!

We can still get married,
Christine.

Sure, they're my aides now,

but after we get married,
they'll be our aides.

You'll love having aides,
Christine, you really will.

And when we have children,
they'll have aides.

It'll make things so simple.

Christine!

Geez. Those boys were right.
People really don't like aides.

I'd better tell everyone
the truth.

Hello, there, children.

Chef, we need Butters
to gain about 50 pounds, fast.

Fifty pounds?
Why?

Uh, school project.

Well, if you want him to get
really fat as fast as possible,

one of you
will have to marry him.

Marry him?

It definitely worked
for every woman I ever met.

Oh, no, no, no!
I ain't getting married.

My parents will ground me.

Yeah. None of us
want to marry Butters.

Well, how come?
What's wrong with me?

I guess we're gonna do this
the old-fashioned way.

Come on back, children.

I can't eat no more.

You have to.
Here. Have some more mayonnaise.

Chef, we need more food.

I'm running out, children.

Damn it, Butters, keep eating,

or else I'll kick your ass
till you're deader than Kenny!

Dude, that isn't cool.

You shouldn't joke
about Kenny being dead.

Enough time hasn't passed.

So how long until
we can joke about it?

22.3 years.

That's how long it takes
for something tragic

to become funny.

That's a long time to wait.

I can't eat no more.

I-I just keep puking it up.

- Then eat your puke.
- No!

Oh, come on.
Japanese girls do it.

Ladies and gentlemen, we at
Subway are happy to inform you

that Jared has elected to stay
in South Park

in order to speak to you
once again!

He's going to speak to us
once again!

So here he is... Jared!

He's still looking good.

Eating them sandwiches
all the time.

Thank you.
Thank you all.

Subway is a healthy way to eat
fast food and lose weight!

All right!

But I feel like I need
to come a little clean

about something.

It wasn't just Subway sandwiches
that made me thin.

The reason I was able to lose
so much weight so quickly

was that I got aides.

- Huh?
- Did he say "AIDS"?

But I still want to be the
leader in a thinner America,

and so I'm here to tell you

that you should all go out
and get aides!

- Oh, my God.
- Is he serious?

Having aides is awesome!

With aides, you can literally
watch the fat melt away.

And with the proper mix of aides
and Subway sandwiches,

anything is possible.

Uh, the opinions expressed
by Mr. Fogle

are not necessarily those
of the Subway company.

He looks great!

How do you feel, Butters?

Well, k-kind of like Cartman.

- Aah!
- Get ahold of yourself, man.

All right.
Now it's time for phase two.

Welcome to Chitty Wok.

You like to try
chitty chicken today?

Sir, we have come to offer you
the business deal of a lifetime.

You want the chitty beef?

No. We want to show the world
how healthy your food is.

Our fat friend here
is going to lose 40 pounds

eating at Chitty Wok.

Which one?
I see two fat friend.

The fat one.

We're gonna take
before-and-after photos,

and when he gets skinny
from eating your food,

we'll show the world.

Why?

Because then you can pay us to
use our friend in commercials.

Oh, you mean like Jared?

Just like Jared.

His name is Jared,
he lose some weight.

Chitty Wok food
sure is great.

Yeah. Okay.
That sound good.

So, if he lose weight
eating Chitty Wok,

I pay you to use him
in commercial.

All right!

Sir, we are in business.

Jared, first of all,

we want to say
that all of us here at Subway

appreciate everything
you've done for our company.

Well, I appreciate your company

doing everything it's done
for m e.

Yes, well, it is now
the opinion of all of us

that perhaps it would be best
for you to take your...

strange theories on weight loss
elsewhere.

Excuse me...

...am I being fired?

Jared, it's just that
your new take on weight loss

is contrary to our commitment
to good health.

How so?

Well, your new slogan,
for instance.

"When it comes to fitness,

Subway goes hand in hand
with AIDS."

Name is Jared.

He's Jared,
lost weight eating Subway.

Now he's cold and alone.

No one to...
Place to call his home.

He likes sandwiches
with Philadelphia

cream cheese.

Come on, Butters!
You got to get skinny again!

You are such a flabby hunk
of crap!

Look at those jelly rolls!
Jelly rolls, I tell ya!

You still got seven chins, boy!

You'll never be thin!
Nobody loves you!

Hey, now.
They do, too.

My mom and dad love me
even if I am fat.

Butters, I'm just trying to
offer some motivational help.

- All right, then.
- Row, you fat bitch!

Look at them jelly rolls!
Nobody loves you!

You're not even a person!

I never asked to be famous.
Now everyone hates me!

I almost wish
I had never gotten aides!

Hey. Now, come on.
What kind of talk is that?

I'm sorry, guys, but I...

I think I want to be aides-free
for a while.

Come on, Jared. Lighten up.
People don't hate you.

Maybe they're all just jealous

that they can't afford to hire
their own aides.

Wait a minute.
You're right!

Yeah!

I think I know
how to be a celebrity again!

- Did you bring the camera?
- Yeah. We're all set.

Guys, I think this might be
a good time

- to discuss some business.
- What do you mean?

Well, when City Wok sees
how skinny Butters is,

they're not gonna want him
to just make one commercial.

- They're gonna want several.
- That's true.

Jared did like a hundred
for Subway sandwiches.

I think we're looking at
a nonexclusive,

two-year, 50-picture deal here.

My calculations put that
at about $4 million.

I think the $4 million
should be split evenly

among the three of us,

except that I should get a 20%
per negation fee off the gross

for having come up with
the idea.

Butters, what the hell
are you doing?!

Yeah!
You're still fat!

I know.
I-I can't seem to lose it.

But we're supposed to shoot your
commercial for City Wok today,

you fat piece of crap!

I don't know what to tell you.

Losing weight is harder
than putting it on.

No, it isn't,
stupid blubber butt!

Did you eat only one ounce of
City Wok a day like we told you?

Well, yeah,
but I-I don't know.

Why are you doing this to us?

All prepared
for liposuction surgery?

Check.

I don't know about this, fellas.

You're the one that screwed us
by not losing weight, Butters.

It says here,
"The operation begins

with a one-inch incision
in the abdomen

on the left side,
just above the hip."

Ah, so that's
right about, uh, here.

- Oh!
- Stop your bitching, Butters!

God! Kenny would've took it
like a man!

Now put one end of the tube

a half an inch
into the incision.

All righty.

Whoa. I think this is
a bad idea, fellas.

I feel woozy.

I think it's in.

"The liposuction is a process

of siphoning out
the excess fat."

- There it goes.
- All right. It's working!

Oh, man,
it tastes like that, um...

You know that creamed chipped-
beef stuff Chef makes sometimes?

Uh, fellas,
I don't feel very good.

Shut up, Butters.
This is your own damn fault.

- Everything's getting dark.
- We got to hurry this up.

Oh, yeah. Keep doing that.
That's working good.

- He's losing weight!
- Oh! Whoa! Whoa!

It's out of control!

Everything's getting sparkly.

Oh, no, dude.
Butters' parents are home.

- Oh, crap!
- Dude, bail.

Butters?
Butters?!

Mom, Dad.

Butters, are you having
liposuction surgery?

Tell me the truth.

Yes, sir.

This is unbelievable!

How many times have we told you
never to have

self-performed liposuction
surgery in our house?

Four times, Mom.

Well, I guess
that wasn't enough.

You get up to your room
right now, mister.

Yes, sir.

Oh, don't you give us
that look, young man.

You're gonna get it!

Tom, I'm standing
out front of the mayor's office,

where the big liar Jared
is once again about to speak.

Apparently, Jared hopes to
regain his celebrity-hero status

which was lost when he announced
that it was AIDS,

not sub sandwiches,
that caused him to lose weight.

Let's listen in.

Ladies and gentlemen,
a-at first I didn't understand

why you felt betrayed

by the fact that my aides
helped me to lose weight.

But now I understand
that it's because it isn't fair

that I had aides
and most of you don't.

And so with all the money
I made from commercials,

I have decided to start

the Aides for Everyone
Foundation!

What?!

I am going to personally
see to it

that each and every one of you
gets aides.

This guy's insane.

But I won't stop there.

I'm gonna seek out
all the underprivileged

and hungry children
of the world,

and I'm going to give them aides
myself!

You're gonna give children AIDS?

Yes, it is my hope that every
beautiful child on this earth

has aides by next month.

Aides for everyone!

Get him!

- Come on, Butters. Time to go.
- Go where?

To City Wok
so we can make our money.

- God!
- I can't go anywhere, fellas.

I've been grounded for having
liposuction surgery.

What?

I told you my parents
would be sore.

And they said, for having
liposuction surgery,

I can't play outside
for five days.

We just need you to come down
to City Wok real quick

so they can see
how skinny you are.

You guys have already gotten me
in Dutch for getting fat,

and then I got in double Dutch
for having liposuction.

And now you're asking me to be
in triple Dutch?!

Hunh-unh.
I'll never be that Dutch.

Kenny would've done it.

Yep.

You guys remember
what a cool friend Kenny was?

He was always up
for helping us out.

Man, he was the best friend
ever.

Look, fellas, I can't do it!

My mom and dad call in
every hour from work

to make sure I'm here.

If I don't answer the phone,
they'll know I'm up to no good.

All right. I'll stay here
and answer the phone for you.

B-But you don't sound like me.

But you don't sound like me.

My name is Butters,
and I'm a little pussy

who won't help his friends
make money.

That was pretty good.

All right. It's settled.
Come on, Butters.

Don't forget, a third
of that $4 million is mine.

Uh, hello?

I'm just checking in on you,
Butters.

He...
Do I hear the television?

We told you no television
while you're grounded.

Oh, gee whiz. I'm not
w-watching television, Dad.

I'm just laying around
jackin' it.

Jacking it?
Jacking what?

Well, my hot, spicy boner,
of course, Dad.

What?! Are you trying to get in
more trouble with that language?

Aw, loosen up,
you bloody vaginal belch.

You are gonna get it, mister!

You just wait till I get home!

Bring it on, queer bait.

Ahh. Yes.

I tell my girlfriend
I have aides, and she leaves!

I tell the world to get aides,
and they think I'm crazy!

I offer to give aides to kids,
and everyone wants me dead!

What's wrong with aides?!

Why doesn't anyone want me
to give them aides?!

There he is,
beating that dead horse!

Get him!

Welcome to Chitty Wok.
Take order, please.

We have great news!

Our friend lost 40 pounds
eating your City Wok food.

Here's the before-and-after
photos.

He lose weight
eating Chitty Wok?

That's right, so you can pay us
to use him in your commercials,

and you'll have
your very own Jared.

Oh, no.
No way.

I not putting no Jared
in my Chitty Wok commercial.

- Why not?
- Don't you know?

Everybody hate Jared.

He want everyone in world
to have AIDS.

- He sick in the head.
- What?

I no want Chitty Wok
have nothing to do

with Jared and his AIDS.

Wait.
Everyone hates Jared now?

Yeah.
They... They gonna kill him.

They're gonna kill Jared
downtown right now.

Oh, come on, guys.
We got to sort this out.

Here's some anthrax for ya.

Oh, no!

Phillip, your anthrax
has given me colon cancer!

Your anthrax
has given m e colon cancer!

Hello.

Butters, your father called and
said you made him very upset.

Yeah. Well, Dad's being
a little pussy, Mom.

Butters! Where did you get
that kind of smart mouth?

Not from you dumb-asses.
That's for sure.

Oh! You just wait
till I get home, mister!

I'll be waiting with bells on,
you old horse-bangin' skank.

Hey!
That's some anthrax over there!

Why did I ever do
those stupid commercials?

All right, Jared,
you sick pervert.

Do you have anything to say
before you die?

Wait!
You're all making a mistake!

Stay back, children!
Jared wants to give you AIDS!

No! You don't understand.
Jared doesn't have AIDS AIDS.

He has assistants... two guys

that help him lose weight
that he calls his "aides."

You mean Jared's aides
are like my aides?

Yes!

Y-You mean you all thought...

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, boy, do I feel stupid.

Oh, we're so sorry, Jared.

No, no. I-It was my fault.
I can't believe I-I...

I didn't even think of what
I was saying.

So he was saying children should
have help like he had.

Yeah!

This has got to be about the
biggest misunderstanding ever!

Oh, my God!

I told my girlfriend
I wanted her to share my aides!

Oh, no wonder she left!

Can... Can you imagine
what we thought

when you said
"Aides for Everyone Foundation"?

Oh, brother!

H-Hey. We're all laughing.

Oh, hey, yeah. We... We would've
never laughed about this before.

Well, don't you see
what this means?

It's been 22.3 years, so...
AIDS is finally funny!

He's right.
It's happened.

Hey, everybody!
AIDS is finally funny!

All right!

- Whoo-hoo!
- Hooray!

I knew it would be funny
one day!

AIDS!

Then it's time.
We can undo the banner.

Tom, I'm standing
in the town square,

where just moments ago
it was declared

that AIDS can finally
be joked about.

What a great day for humanity.

AIDS quilt.

Oh, boy, this fantastic.

I so glad AIDS is funny now.

Okay. So now do you want to use
our friend in your commercials?

Sure. Okay.
I pay you 15 dollar.

15 dollar?
But Jared got millions.

Hey, I not Subway.
I Chitty Wok.

Chitty Wok don't have
million dollar.

Oh, God damn it!

Just forget the whole thing,
then!

Okay.

Hey, you kids know
why chicken cross the road?

- Why?
- 'Cause it had AIDS.

AIDS so funny.

Well, so much for our money.

Yeah, but you know,
I've learned something today.

It would've been wrong for us
to exploit Butters' weight loss

because lots of fat people
would've believed it

and eaten a ton of Chinese food
instead of dieting properly.

They'd still be fat,

and we'd be responsible
for their shattered dreams.

Yeah. I don't like
shattering fat peoples' dreams.

Besides, I'd get grounded.

Oh, Jesus!
I'm supposed to be grounded!

There you are, Butters!

Are my mom and dad
back home yet?

No, but they're due any minute.
C'mon, you're just in time!

Oh, boy!

Mom and Dad didn't find out
I left the house, did they?

No.
I totally covered for you.

They completely believed
I was you on the phone.

Oh, g-goody!

I drew some pictures with crayon

so it looked like you were here
all day.

I ate a little food
so it looked like you ate.

- And I fed your cat.
- Perfect.

I'd better get out of here
before they get back.

Hey, Eric?

Thanks for covering for me.
You're a real pal.

Butters, it was my pleasure.

Hi, Mom and Dad!

Don't you "Hi, Mom
and Dad" us, you little punk!

Ow! Dad!

You don't even know the trouble you're in!

What'd I do?! What'd I do?!

Do you think you're tough now?!

Answer me!

Oh, man, if I was older,

I would totally start
jacking off right now.