Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,710 --> 00:00:03,670
-(LIQUID BUBBLING)
-(TIMER DINGS)
2
00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:08,675
All right, clockwise, honey.
Don't fight it. Let me make you.
3
00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:10,969
What is that?
4
00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:13,514
This is the only thing us
Miller men know how to make.
5
00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:15,390
And we call it The Sauce.
6
00:00:15,474 --> 00:00:16,767
-It stinks.
-It doesn't stink.
7
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:19,061
Fawn is coming over
for a midnight fondue supper.
8
00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:20,729
There's no chocolate
or cheese on this earth
9
00:00:20,812 --> 00:00:23,190
that makes a cube of bread pop
like The Sauce.
10
00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:25,609
Your girlfriend's coming
over for the first time,
11
00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:27,486
and you asked Nick to cook?
12
00:00:27,569 --> 00:00:29,613
True, normally food à la Nick
would be less appealing to me
13
00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:31,490
than licking the floor
of a beach bathroom.
14
00:00:31,573 --> 00:00:35,911
But I want Fawn to have the best,
and The Sauce is the best.
15
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:38,372
Good for you. When you said
"Fawn" and then "fondue,"
16
00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:40,332
I definitely thought you were
headed in the direction of...
17
00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:42,042
Step one: fondue.
18
00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:44,586
-Step two: do Fawn.
-That's not bad.
19
00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:46,463
Yeah, and I was like,
"Fondue is Fawn done."
20
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,298
-(SNICKERS)
-These are all good.
21
00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:49,883
Hey, has anybody heard from Cece?
22
00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:51,718
'Cause she hasn't
answered any of my texts,
23
00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:53,220
and I'm starting to get worried.
24
00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:57,099
Jess is starting to find
your behavior "suspicious."
25
00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:58,433
That's a police word.
26
00:00:58,517 --> 00:01:01,395
It's not a police word, Winston.
It's a very common word.
27
00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:03,522
And you know
why I'm keeping my distance.
28
00:01:03,856 --> 00:01:05,899
-I like Schmidt.
-For the second time!
29
00:01:05,983 --> 00:01:08,902
-I know how many times.
-Ah. Ah.
30
00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:12,030
If you could see my face right now,
I'm smiling, and I'm saying, "Ah."
31
00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:13,740
And if Jess finds out,
she's gonna want to get involved,
32
00:01:13,824 --> 00:01:16,702
and I don't want her involved
because there's nothing that she can do.
33
00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:19,997
Look, if you act suspicious,
then she's gonna be suspicious, all right?
34
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,373
Look, don't slink your head in the dumps.
35
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:22,958
You got to raise your hand
with the sunshine
36
00:01:23,041 --> 00:01:25,294
where... Where people walk, you know?
37
00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:26,670
Because that's what
the whole point of the...
38
00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:28,463
When the... (STAMMERS)
If you can lead 'em to water,
39
00:01:28,547 --> 00:01:31,341
but you can't make a sound, right?
Look, just call her.
40
00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:32,759
Fine, okay, I'll call her. But...
41
00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:38,307
And listen to me,
she cannot find out.
42
00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,767
-Under no circumstance.
-Okay, baby.
43
00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:42,895
Look, your secret is safe with me.
44
00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:44,438
That being said,
45
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,982
-I am not a smooth man.
-Yeah, I get that.
46
00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:49,526
Did I do something to piss Cece off?
47
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:51,862
Oh, Schmidt, you have
something on your pants.
48
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,155
-Ah! It's a spider!
-(SHRIEKS)
49
00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:55,199
Jess, why did you do that?
50
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:56,533
You know how he gets...
51
00:01:56,617 --> 00:02:00,329
He turns into a cartoon elephant
of yesteryear who just saw a mouse.
52
00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:02,956
Which is offensive in present day
'cause it seems like a gay stereotype
53
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,375
they tried to sneak by us.
(IMITATES ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)
54
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:09,671
(WITH LISP) "Where's my balance ball?
There's a mouse loose in the house."
55
00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:11,798
SCHMIDT: Where is it?
We've got to hunt it down.
56
00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:13,550
-We got to have a spiderhunt.
-We're not having one of those.
57
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,344
-No, dude, no more spiderhunts.
-Guys, they're all over me!
58
00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:17,888
This is childish,
and you need to get over it.
59
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:19,473
Jess, would you please?
You know this fear comes
60
00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:21,141
from a very real place... 1999.
61
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:25,145
American Pie was sweeping the nation.
And everybody was doing it with pies.
62
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,898
I just happened to accidentally
fall asleep right afterwards.
63
00:02:28,398 --> 00:02:31,401
And when I awoke,
the dried apple filling was...
64
00:02:32,194 --> 00:02:34,112
(SIGHS) It just had attracted
so many spiders,
65
00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:35,364
and they were all over it, and I...
66
00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:37,407
Okay, everyone was doing it with pies?
67
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,159
Well, Y2K was an uncertain time.
68
00:02:39,243 --> 00:02:41,745
-I don't know "everyone," Jess.
-I might have dabbled.
69
00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:43,789
-Fawn can't see me like this.
-Fawn won't care.
70
00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:45,666
Jess, I'm embarrassed for her
to see me in this state.
71
00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:46,875
-You're fine...
-It's embarrassing.
72
00:02:46,959 --> 00:02:48,126
-Just a little spider!
-You're fine.
73
00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:49,795
And there it is! I just saw it!
74
00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:51,713
-Get off the table.
-We'll do the spiderhunt.
75
00:02:51,797 --> 00:02:53,757
-Fawn can't see you like this.
-There it is!
76
00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:55,342
It's right there. It's licking it's lips.
77
00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:04,977
So I'm finally e-mailing that girl, May.
78
00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:06,436
-Nice.
-Here's what I got so far.
79
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,857
-Mmm-hmm.
-"Dear May. Lay down on me."
80
00:03:09,940 --> 00:03:11,108
Well, then what?
81
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:12,943
You met this woman weeks ago.
82
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:15,237
I can't believe you haven't e-mailed her.
Just text her.
83
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,363
COACH: If I had her number,
I would text her.
84
00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:19,408
She gave me her e-mail.
And now I have to write how I feel.
85
00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:20,659
Which is weird, it's like...
86
00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:23,579
I... I like her. Much.
87
00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:25,539
-You like her much?
-All right.
88
00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:30,836
"Girl, it's warm today.
Yesterday was warm, too. Yeah."
89
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,464
-Yeah, I'm gonna write, "Yeah."
-You're happy about this?
90
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:37,342
-Damn it, no, it doesn't feel right.
-Yeah, just hold it down, hold it down.
91
00:03:37,426 --> 00:03:38,886
Okay, you guys know the drill.
92
00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:41,555
We split up into teams,
and we hunt this spider.
93
00:03:41,638 --> 00:03:43,891
-Why can't we just call an exterminator?
-Yes.
94
00:03:43,974 --> 00:03:46,393
They've all blocked Schmidt's calls
since the dandelion incident.
95
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:47,978
It moved like a spider, Nick!
96
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:49,563
(PHONE RINGING)
97
00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:51,273
(GASPS)
98
00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:52,858
I don't know a Cece.
99
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,277
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I do.
How the hell are you?
100
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,279
Jess, please, hurry up, we're on a hunt!
101
00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,823
It could be right
above our heads right now.
102
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,658
Hanging from its butt-rope.
103
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:03,994
Come over.
104
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,913
-I can't.
-Why not?
105
00:04:06,205 --> 00:04:07,456
Did I do something?
106
00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:09,458
Are we in another purse thing
that I don't know about?
107
00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:13,462
No, no, Jess, of course it's not you.
It would just be...
108
00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:18,300
...an honor.
109
00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,302
I'll be right there.
110
00:04:20,385 --> 00:04:23,138
Great, wear shoes that you don't
mind getting spider guts on.
111
00:04:23,222 --> 00:04:24,473
Bye.
112
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:26,099
So...
113
00:04:26,642 --> 00:04:27,643
What's going on with Cece?
114
00:04:27,726 --> 00:04:30,479
Well, I had to beg her like a nerd,
but she's finally coming over.
115
00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:31,813
-Oh, she's coming over?
-Yeah.
116
00:04:31,897 --> 00:04:33,649
-Good, man.
-Took a lot of cajoling.
117
00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:34,733
-That's cool.
-Normally, it's like,
118
00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:36,109
-she'll come over all the time.
-But now it's diff...
119
00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:38,695
I don't know why
that would be the case at all,
120
00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:40,697
but that's cool... I respect the decision
for her to come over.
121
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:42,616
Why are you acting weird?
122
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:44,826
I'm acting weird?
123
00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:47,663
-Mmm.
-Do you know something?
124
00:04:47,746 --> 00:04:48,914
Do...
125
00:04:49,248 --> 00:04:51,875
-You... I'm not a smooth man.
-Is she mad at someone?
126
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:56,463
Ah... No. No.
No, she's not mad at anyone.
127
00:04:56,547 --> 00:04:58,882
It's the opposite. Mmm.
128
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,843
-It's the opposite?
-That's not what I said.
129
00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:03,887
You said, "No, no,
she's not mad at anyone.
130
00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:06,890
-"It's the opposite."
-I said, "Whoa, whoa.
131
00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:10,811
"Cheese is bad, e'ryone.
Let's stop and spit."
132
00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:13,146
The opposite of mad is...
133
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,732
(GASPS) Does she like someone?
134
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,317
What would make you
assume that would be...
135
00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:21,196
I can hear it.
I can hear it building its house.
136
00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:24,741
Building its sticky, deadly house
that you can never leave.
137
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,535
Building it.
138
00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:28,203
With its ass.
139
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,629
We're breaking up into two-person teams.
140
00:05:37,713 --> 00:05:39,089
-(WHISPERS) Cece.
-Each team has one Smusher...
141
00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:40,299
-(MOUTHING)
-...and one Jar-Man.
142
00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:42,634
Nick, I'm gonna make you
a Smusher since you have to stir.
143
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,094
Hey, am I stirring right now?
144
00:05:44,178 --> 00:05:47,014
Or is my arm still
and the world is stirring?
145
00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:49,016
Coach, you're a Jar-Man.
146
00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:50,517
-Mmm.
-You're with Schmidt.
147
00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:52,895
-(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)
-Cece, with your delicate little hands,
148
00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:54,646
-you're a born Jar-Man.
-Okay.
149
00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:56,565
Which means I need
to pair you up with a Smusher.
150
00:05:56,648 --> 00:05:58,108
-I smush.
-That'd be me.
151
00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:00,110
-Smusher for life.
-You're such a Jar-Man.
152
00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:02,613
You don't even know
you're a Jar-Man, Jar-Man.
153
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:04,406
-Yeah, you are.
-You're a born J-man. Come on, Winston.
154
00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:06,200
-Uh, Cece.
-Yeah.
155
00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:07,784
Before we get started,
you want to have a quick
156
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:09,494
Jar-Man strategy session?
157
00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:12,164
A little Jar-Jar strat sesh?
158
00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:13,624
Are you winking or farting?
159
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:16,710
The only strategy is:
find the spider, kill the spider,
160
00:06:16,835 --> 00:06:19,588
mount the spider's head on top of the roof
so all the other spiders know.
161
00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:21,548
All right. And spiderhunt!
162
00:06:21,632 --> 00:06:22,633
-Spiderhunt!
-Spiderhunt!
163
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:23,884
You find that thing...
164
00:06:26,345 --> 00:06:28,639
-...you-you make sure that it's done.
-That's extreme. That's...
165
00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:30,474
Okay.
166
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,896
Hey, what do you think Jess
and Cece are talking about?
167
00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:39,024
Uh, probably that stupid
movie theater popcorn machine
168
00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:41,193
that Cece wants me to get for the bar.
169
00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:44,613
She keeps haranguing me about it.
"Popcorn machine, popcorn machine."
170
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:47,574
Look, I don't know what void
Cece's trying to fill in her life...
171
00:06:47,658 --> 00:06:49,243
I don't know, either. Why would I know?
172
00:06:49,326 --> 00:06:50,452
I don't know what void
she's trying to fill.
173
00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:52,621
-It's all she wants to talk about.
-Oh.
174
00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:53,830
Stupid movie theater popcorn machine.
175
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:55,415
-I'm like, "Shut up, dude."
-(TIMER DINGS)
176
00:06:56,834 --> 00:07:00,087
-You put bologna in your Bolognese?
-Where else would it get its name?
177
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:02,840
Trick question...
It gets it from the mayonnaise.
178
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:08,053
(CHUCKLING) Yeah, yeah.
179
00:07:10,681 --> 00:07:11,807
You got it.
180
00:07:12,683 --> 00:07:15,894
Do you think a good subject
line is "The Inside of You"?
181
00:07:15,978 --> 00:07:17,145
Hey, you know,
I bet I could spot this spider
182
00:07:17,229 --> 00:07:18,480
a lot better if I was on your shoulders.
183
00:07:18,564 --> 00:07:20,649
Do not ask me again
to get on my shoulders.
184
00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:23,527
That's a once-a-year thing,
and you already used it on Halloween,
185
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,195
when we were ten-foot-tall
Ralph Macchio.
186
00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:26,530
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
187
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,618
SCHMIDT: Ow! Damn it!
188
00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:34,788
-That was cool.
-I didn't like that.
189
00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:38,041
I could feel your genitals on the back
of my neck like an airplane pillow.
190
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,126
Okay, you know what? How about this?
191
00:07:39,543 --> 00:07:40,544
I'm not sure why he did it
192
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:43,422
but I sure am glad that God rearranged
the letters in "yam"
193
00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:44,965
to create something even sweeter.
194
00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:47,509
-What?
-May.
195
00:07:48,051 --> 00:07:51,722
Oh, May, yeah. Yeah, all right.
Keep going, keep going.
196
00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:53,765
Oh, dear God.
197
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,101
It's left the web to feed.
198
00:07:56,435 --> 00:07:57,811
All right, I'll put that.
199
00:07:57,895 --> 00:07:59,229
Seems like a weird thing to say.
200
00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:01,273
CECE: Lots of bars
have popcorn machines.
201
00:08:01,732 --> 00:08:03,233
I really think that people would dig it.
202
00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:06,528
They're not that expensive,
and everybody loves fresh popcorn.
203
00:08:06,612 --> 00:08:07,988
Do you like somebody in the loft?
204
00:08:08,947 --> 00:08:10,616
(GRUNTS SOFTLY) Winston.
205
00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:13,452
Okay, what did he tell you?
206
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:14,870
He told me you like someone
but he won't name names.
207
00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:16,496
Is it Schmidt?
Do you like Schmidt again?
208
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:20,501
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Absolutely not. No.
209
00:08:20,584 --> 00:08:22,044
Who is it then? Who?
210
00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:26,173
I want to tell you. I want to tell you so,
like, so badly... You know me...
211
00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:28,967
I want to tell you so bad, I just,
um, I'm very sorry, but I can't.
212
00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:30,886
Right, right, right, right,
you can't tell anybody,
213
00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:34,598
except freaking Winston!
That slow puzzler!
214
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,683
-I know.
-I'm lower down on the food chain
215
00:08:36,767 --> 00:08:37,935
-than Officer Cat Fancy?
-No!
216
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:40,229
No. No, no, no, no. It's just I know
217
00:08:40,312 --> 00:08:43,982
that you would do anything to help me,
and in this situation,
218
00:08:44,233 --> 00:08:45,943
you know, there's just nothing to be done.
219
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,904
And we both know that
you would just want to get involved.
220
00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:50,864
Well, I can stay uninvolved.
221
00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:53,242
I want to tell you, but I can't.
I just can't.
222
00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:58,080
-Okay. That's fine.
-Okay.
223
00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:00,666
That's cool, that's cool. New teams!
224
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:03,544
(SIGHS)
225
00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:07,047
You have to tell me who she likes.
226
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:09,383
There are no secrets
between Jar-Man and Smusher.
227
00:09:09,508 --> 00:09:10,551
Please.
228
00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:13,095
She's my best friend. You have to tell me.
229
00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:15,681
Okay. Look, Jess...
230
00:09:16,974 --> 00:09:18,267
She likes me.
231
00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:20,853
It's me she wants.
232
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:27,067
(BOTH LAUGHING)
233
00:09:28,694 --> 00:09:29,736
Not even for a second.
234
00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:31,113
-I thought I was convincing.
-Yeah.
235
00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:33,824
I need you to close
your eyes and taste it.
236
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,200
Okay.
237
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,454
Oh...
238
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,333
Oh, Nick. It's legit terrible.
239
00:09:43,417 --> 00:09:45,669
Well, you taste for texture not taste,
you big old...
240
00:09:46,962 --> 00:09:48,797
Not really what
I was looking for at this stage.
241
00:09:48,881 --> 00:09:50,507
Definitely affects my confidence.
242
00:09:55,304 --> 00:09:56,513
(GASPS)
243
00:09:56,597 --> 00:09:58,348
Wait. Wait!
244
00:09:58,807 --> 00:10:02,186
The only person that Cece could like
that she wouldn't want to tell me about...
245
00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:04,438
...is Nick.
246
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:06,940
Uh...
247
00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,234
Does Cece like Nick?
248
00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:11,820
-Does Cece like...
-JESS: Oh, my...
249
00:10:13,906 --> 00:10:15,532
No...
250
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,618
You guessed it.
251
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:19,745
How you did that?
252
00:10:24,333 --> 00:10:27,544
Oh, my God. My ex-boyfriend
and my best friend?
253
00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:31,924
(GROANS) I feel like Brenda
when Kelly dated Dylan!
254
00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:33,717
Or the other way around.
255
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,845
Now, I know those are the characters
from the original 90210.
256
00:10:36,929 --> 00:10:40,057
But that's about my ceiling.
Dylan... was his nickname the Peach Pit?
257
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,226
'Cause I remember...
I remember that being a whole thing.
258
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:43,769
I'm sorry, I'm a little wound up.
259
00:10:43,852 --> 00:10:45,646
You should be wound up
because the Peach Pit used
260
00:10:45,729 --> 00:10:47,773
to be yours, but now Brenda want a slice.
261
00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,441
Everybody trying to get
a slice of that Peach Pit.
262
00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:52,194
You have every right to be mad, Jess,
but just do it quietly.
263
00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:54,530
You know, just do it on the low,
do it in here.
264
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,449
30 seconds, and you haven't
brought up the popcorn machine.
265
00:10:57,783 --> 00:11:00,077
Yeah, well, I guess
I'm just gonna have to drop it.
266
00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:01,912
You know, even Jess didn't
want to hear about it,
267
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,998
and she'll listen to Schmidt
discussing Andy Cohen
268
00:11:05,082 --> 00:11:08,877
-discussing Bethenny discussing NeNe.
-Well, great, I'm glad that's behind us.
269
00:11:08,961 --> 00:11:10,295
Yeah.
270
00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:12,840
Now let's never speak
of popcorn machines again.
271
00:11:13,048 --> 00:11:14,466
Cece and Nick?
272
00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:16,343
Cece likes Nick?
273
00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:19,221
Cece likes Nick?
274
00:11:19,972 --> 00:11:22,850
I mean, I guess I understand it
'cause they're at the bar together,
275
00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:24,268
and once you start sharing tips,
276
00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:25,853
-where does the sharing end?
-Look...
277
00:11:26,228 --> 00:11:27,688
Jess, it's not that big of a deal.
278
00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:30,858
Because we all just cats
and dogs at the end of the day.
279
00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:33,235
What about Schmidt?
Schmidt's Nick's best friend,
280
00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:34,862
and Schmidt and Cece have a history.
281
00:11:34,945 --> 00:11:36,697
Look at the memory on you.
282
00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:37,781
I'm gonna have to help
Schmidt through this.
283
00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:39,616
No, no, no, no, no.
Look, Jess, you can't talk to Schmidt
284
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:40,951
about Cece liking Nick. Come on.
285
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,703
No, you're right.
I have to talk to Cece first.
286
00:11:42,786 --> 00:11:45,497
Right, you got to talk to Ce...
No, wait, no. No, no, no, no.
287
00:11:45,581 --> 00:11:50,252
Jess, you can't talk to Cece
because Cece, you know, and Nick,
288
00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:52,838
they just won't work.
'Cause I was talking to Nick.
289
00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:55,924
He said, "Winston." I was like,
"What's up, Nick?" He said...
290
00:11:56,008 --> 00:11:57,259
What?
291
00:11:57,676 --> 00:11:58,760
He said she ugly.
292
00:12:00,012 --> 00:12:01,263
He said what?
293
00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:03,765
He said she look like
a dang ol' meatball with hair.
294
00:12:03,849 --> 00:12:04,975
New teams!
295
00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:07,769
You know who's great? Cece.
296
00:12:07,853 --> 00:12:09,479
One of our finest. Lovely woman.
297
00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:14,109
And she has so much to offer.
298
00:12:16,278 --> 00:12:19,323
Is that what this is about?
She sends you to sell me on it?
299
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:22,701
No, Nick. She doesn't know
I'm talking to you at all. Wait.
300
00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:25,871
-You guys have talked about it?
-All the time.
301
00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:28,957
But I thought she and I had
come to a decision.
302
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:31,627
-Which is?
-It's not happening.
303
00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:34,338
-Well, why not?
-'Cause I'm not interested.
304
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:38,342
And I know it's not cool to say, but...
I don't like the way it would look.
305
00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:40,761
People are gonna say
what they're gonna say.
306
00:12:41,220 --> 00:12:43,388
They're not reasons
not to go through with it.
307
00:12:43,472 --> 00:12:45,224
Fine. You want to know my biggest concern?
308
00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:47,434
My biggest concern is the smell.
309
00:12:50,229 --> 00:12:52,314
-The smell?
-The smell of it.
310
00:12:52,856 --> 00:12:54,942
Yeah, and it's not Cece's fault.
311
00:12:55,234 --> 00:12:57,736
I mean, they all smell.
I've told her that.
312
00:12:57,819 --> 00:13:00,280
You told Cece you think all women...
313
00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:01,406
Don't make this a feminist thing...
314
00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:03,116
It... I'm not making it a feminist thing.
315
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,953
How? They smell terrible.
It's common knowledge.
316
00:13:06,036 --> 00:13:08,997
I thought your biggest concern would be
how it affected the people around you.
317
00:13:09,081 --> 00:13:10,791
I mean, sure,
a bunch of old drunks will grab at it...
318
00:13:10,874 --> 00:13:15,212
But if your biggest concern is the smell,
I'm sure that's highly manageable.
319
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,923
Yeah, I guess there's, like,
special solvents and soaps.
320
00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:20,634
I... I haven't read up on it that much.
321
00:13:21,176 --> 00:13:24,179
You know, but you got to really
get in there and scrub it out.
322
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,390
It's disgusting.
323
00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:30,811
You know, 'cause of the daily
wear and tear and oil
324
00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:33,605
and grease just cooking in there.
325
00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:37,150
It's enough to make
a man barf thinking about it.
326
00:13:37,943 --> 00:13:39,236
I mean, they get really hot.
327
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:40,821
I know what temperature it gets.
328
00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:42,614
But if I'm being honest, you know...
329
00:13:42,698 --> 00:13:44,867
And I haven't talked to her
about this, but...
330
00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:47,494
I do have good memories
associated with the smell.
331
00:13:47,953 --> 00:13:50,956
Ball games, the circus,
hanging with my dad.
332
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:54,376
Listen here, you idiot.
I've known Cece a very long time,
333
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:57,045
and I can promise you the smell
will not be a problem.
334
00:13:57,129 --> 00:13:59,715
That's really easy for you to say 'cause
you're not the one who's gonna have
335
00:13:59,798 --> 00:14:01,133
to remind her to clean it all the time.
336
00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:06,471
I promise you, if it becomes a problem,
I will remind her.
337
00:14:06,555 --> 00:14:10,058
Well, if you remind her
and she doesn't do it,
338
00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:13,854
I don't want you sneaking around
and cleaning it yourself.
339
00:14:13,937 --> 00:14:15,480
(SCOFFS) Nick.
340
00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:18,442
I'm a good friend,
but I am not that good of a friend.
341
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:21,612
"...that a dream house is a house,
but a dreamboat is a person."
342
00:14:22,279 --> 00:14:23,488
I mean, it does speak to the soul.
343
00:14:24,990 --> 00:14:26,867
Hey, what are these?
I've always wondered.
344
00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:28,994
-Those are grapes.
-Uh, they're our glass grapes, bro.
345
00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:30,996
-Grapes?
-Brings the whole, like, room together.
346
00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:32,497
What the hell they doing in the loft?
347
00:14:32,581 --> 00:14:35,501
Cece, um, do ladies have loins?
348
00:14:35,584 --> 00:14:38,212
You know, it's like I've never
looked around this house before.
349
00:14:39,171 --> 00:14:41,006
Skimboards, a boxing glove.
350
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:43,383
Who in this loft has been
to a single Coachella,
351
00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:44,718
let alone six of them?
352
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:48,555
Don't tell Cece that we talked.
She doesn't want me getting involved.
353
00:14:48,639 --> 00:14:51,892
Of course she does, she just didn't
think you were into the idea, okay?
354
00:14:51,975 --> 00:14:53,393
She really values your opinion.
355
00:14:57,689 --> 00:15:00,859
What if you guys had a... A real talk?
356
00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:03,278
You know, outside of the bar.
357
00:15:03,862 --> 00:15:04,905
All right.
358
00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:07,241
We'll talk, just the two of us,
outside the bar.
359
00:15:07,324 --> 00:15:08,367
I'm proud of you, Nick.
360
00:15:08,450 --> 00:15:12,371
Just make sure she makes her case
about facts and figures.
361
00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:15,791
And no more of this, "Come on, Nick,
it tastes so yummy" crap.
362
00:15:15,874 --> 00:15:16,875
New teams!
363
00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:20,420
(MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
364
00:15:20,504 --> 00:15:23,382
MAN: (SINGING)
I want to do something freaky to you...
365
00:15:23,715 --> 00:15:27,678
No one can resist
my "Get Frisky" playlist, guys.
366
00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:32,266
Just give in. Give in. I support it.
367
00:15:32,683 --> 00:15:35,477
"To whom it may concern."
368
00:15:35,561 --> 00:15:36,812
-That's good.
-I like that.
369
00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:40,148
Wait a minute, is your e-mail
address owwMeSoErnie@coolidge?
370
00:15:40,232 --> 00:15:41,942
-Still?
-Yeah, man. Picked it in college.
371
00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:45,028
It's just gonna follow me
from job to job, ISP to ISP.
372
00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:47,030
We've been everywhere together, brotha.
373
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:48,824
-Never done .org or a .gov.
-Oh.
374
00:15:48,907 --> 00:15:50,325
-I would never do that.
-Right.
375
00:15:50,409 --> 00:15:51,410
But every other damn domain.
376
00:15:51,493 --> 00:15:56,623
You can't e-mail a girl like May
from an e-mail address like owwMeSoErnie.
377
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,126
Although, you did got a job at a school,
so what do I know?
378
00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:03,463
I must really like this girl, huh?
379
00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:06,967
Okay, it says here, we need
"a murder of peppercorn," and a...
380
00:16:07,926 --> 00:16:10,429
And "some of that flat Jew bread"?
Miller family!
381
00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:14,391
Murder is over there.
382
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,020
(GASPS)
383
00:16:18,562 --> 00:16:22,733
It could be something really beautiful,
and you-you won't know unless you try.
384
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:24,735
Okay! Jess!
385
00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,862
You don't have to trap me in your room.
386
00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:30,991
We will, on a trial basis,
rent a popcorn machine.
387
00:16:31,867 --> 00:16:33,035
Okay?
388
00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:34,453
(SNIFFING)
389
00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:38,415
Something's wrong with my Sauce.
My Sauce!
390
00:16:40,584 --> 00:16:42,044
-Hey.
-Hey.
391
00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:44,546
-You...
-I...
392
00:16:44,630 --> 00:16:45,756
With him?
393
00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:47,549
Good times!
394
00:16:47,633 --> 00:16:48,634
Winston.
395
00:16:50,385 --> 00:16:51,512
Where'd it go?
396
00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:53,972
How long has this been unstirred?
397
00:16:54,056 --> 00:16:55,599
40 seconds. 45 tops.
398
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:56,975
Is it 40 or 45?
399
00:17:01,605 --> 00:17:02,731
-Spider!
-(YELLING)
400
00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:04,983
-Schmidt! Schmidt!
-Whoa!
401
00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:06,568
-Come on, man!
-No! Aah!
402
00:17:06,652 --> 00:17:08,028
-(YELLING)
-Hey! Hey!
403
00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:09,488
-Hey, it's gone.
-Get him!
404
00:17:09,571 --> 00:17:11,198
It's gone. It's gone. It's gone.
It can't hurt you.
405
00:17:11,281 --> 00:17:12,366
-It can't hurt you.
-Where is... Where is the body?
406
00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:14,159
He was headed straight for The Sauce!
407
00:17:14,243 --> 00:17:16,620
Can you imagine how powerful
that spider would've become
408
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:17,746
had he entered my Sauce?
409
00:17:19,498 --> 00:17:21,500
-Did I break it?
-You sent all 15 drafts
410
00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:22,793
of my e-mail to May.
411
00:17:23,502 --> 00:17:24,920
She's gonna think I'm crazy.
412
00:17:25,003 --> 00:17:26,255
WINSTON: Way I see it,
413
00:17:26,338 --> 00:17:27,840
-we got two options.
-(SIGHS)
414
00:17:27,923 --> 00:17:29,633
All right, well,
what are the two options, man?
415
00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:31,677
I mean, you know, just,
you got to just dive in, you know?
416
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:33,929
-No, you don't have any options.
-I don't have any options.
417
00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,931
-Sometimes you don't have to talk.
-I'm really sorry, Coach.
418
00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:37,516
I... I'll make it up to you.
419
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:40,561
But the good news is,
is we got that spider, huh?
420
00:17:40,936 --> 00:17:42,145
Don't have to worry
about that thing anymore.
421
00:17:45,566 --> 00:17:47,067
What? What are you guys trying to tell me?
422
00:17:48,443 --> 00:17:49,903
So, it is Schmidt?
423
00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:52,239
Yeah.
424
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:01,290
-I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but...
-No, it's okay. It's okay.
425
00:18:01,373 --> 00:18:02,749
Look, I promise I won't tell him.
426
00:18:02,833 --> 00:18:04,459
-Nobody's gonna tell him.
-Okay.
427
00:18:04,626 --> 00:18:06,128
NICK: Hey, somebody tell him.
428
00:18:06,211 --> 00:18:07,462
-You tell him, but easy.
-Tell him.
429
00:18:07,546 --> 00:18:09,047
COACH: I don't want to tell him, dude.
You tell him.
430
00:18:09,131 --> 00:18:10,382
We're all his best friends. Tell him.
431
00:18:10,465 --> 00:18:11,550
I think I'm pretty good with it now.
432
00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:12,926
Hey, Schmidt, I...
433
00:18:13,010 --> 00:18:14,178
-I mean, spiders and all.
-NICK: Tell him!
434
00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:15,429
WINSTON: I don't want to tell him.
NICK: Somebody just tell him!
435
00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:16,930
Guys, just tell me.
436
00:18:17,014 --> 00:18:19,892
-You're being so dramatic right now.
-You have a spider on your face.
437
00:18:20,809 --> 00:18:22,019
What are you talking about?
438
00:18:26,064 --> 00:18:27,858
(LOUD, HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING)
439
00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:33,530
SCHMIDT: (HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM)
I touched it!
440
00:18:33,614 --> 00:18:35,073
-Get it off!
-Okay. Oh!
441
00:18:35,157 --> 00:18:36,325
-Don't touch me!
-(URGENT CHATTER)
442
00:18:36,408 --> 00:18:38,243
Don't touch me!
Get it off! Get it off of me!
443
00:18:38,327 --> 00:18:40,704
Get it away from me! Get it off!
444
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,164
-Get it off!
-Hey, hey, the spider.
445
00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:43,498
Get it off! Don't touch!
446
00:18:43,582 --> 00:18:45,459
-Hello.
-Don't touch! Get it off of me!
447
00:18:46,043 --> 00:18:48,003
-Get it...
-Schmidt.
448
00:18:48,086 --> 00:18:50,005
-Hold still.
-COACH: Aah!
449
00:18:50,088 --> 00:18:51,548
-Oh! Oh!
-WINSTON: Oh...
450
00:18:51,715 --> 00:18:52,758
SCHMIDT: Ah!
451
00:18:52,841 --> 00:18:54,092
(EXHALES)
452
00:18:54,468 --> 00:18:58,096
What's up now, spider?
Vote Moscato!
453
00:18:58,180 --> 00:19:01,683
(LAUGHING) Well, it can't hear you.
But, seriously, vote Moscato.
454
00:19:02,142 --> 00:19:03,727
So, that guy, huh?
455
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:05,187
Yeah. Can you blame me?
456
00:19:05,771 --> 00:19:06,980
He's perfect.
457
00:19:07,064 --> 00:19:08,440
FAWN: And when is dinner? Is it, um...
458
00:19:08,524 --> 00:19:10,150
-NICK: The Sauce!
-The Sauce. The Sauce.
459
00:19:10,234 --> 00:19:11,818
-Yeah. 'Cause Fawn's hungry.
-COACH: My e-mails.
460
00:19:11,902 --> 00:19:13,946
I'm about to pick you up
with a tissue like you wouldn't believe!
461
00:19:14,029 --> 00:19:15,322
So, what's the plan?
462
00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:16,573
-Jess.
-I'm gonna pick you up
463
00:19:16,657 --> 00:19:17,866
with a tissue so hard!
464
00:19:17,950 --> 00:19:19,910
-He's happy. He has a girlfriend.
-SCHMIDT: Yeah, spider!
465
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:24,331
I know, but it's you,
and Fawn kind of scares me.
466
00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:27,125
Let this be a warning
to all your other little, uh,
467
00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:29,336
spider friends hiding out, too.
468
00:19:29,419 --> 00:19:30,921
-(SCHMIDT CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
-I know that would do anything
469
00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:34,007
for anybody, but right now,
I just need you
470
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:37,344
to be there for me
and hold my hand, okay?
471
00:19:37,928 --> 00:19:40,347
-That's all.
-Little half-insects, half-lobsters.
472
00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:42,224
Ah...
473
00:19:42,307 --> 00:19:44,643
I really want to do something.
474
00:19:44,726 --> 00:19:48,063
Don't go up the spout if you
can't handle the rain, spider!
475
00:19:48,146 --> 00:19:50,732
Okay, well, you've done it.
The perfect burn of the dead bug.
476
00:19:50,816 --> 00:19:52,359
-Yeah, that's right.
-Now stop.
477
00:19:52,442 --> 00:19:53,485
(SOFTLY) Okay.
478
00:19:54,736 --> 00:19:56,947
The Sauce is shockingly great.
479
00:19:57,322 --> 00:20:02,452
This tastes like the inside of a bear,
480
00:20:02,870 --> 00:20:05,372
-and that is a compliment, my friend.
-SCHMIDT: All right.
481
00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:07,374
-(PHONE VIBRATES)
-I... Oh.
482
00:20:09,001 --> 00:20:11,503
Oh. May responded to my e-mails.
483
00:20:12,171 --> 00:20:15,174
"I appreciate how much effort
you put into these.
484
00:20:16,175 --> 00:20:17,217
I'd love to go out."
485
00:20:17,301 --> 00:20:18,343
-Hey.
-Great.
486
00:20:18,427 --> 00:20:19,428
All right.
487
00:20:19,511 --> 00:20:20,929
-There you go.
-Yeah!
488
00:20:21,013 --> 00:20:23,098
-Uh, you're welcome.
-This is great guys, right?
489
00:20:25,309 --> 00:20:26,727
-To Fawn.
-Oh.
490
00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:31,398
A woman who likes me not in spite,
but because of my flaws.
491
00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:32,482
I do like you.
492
00:20:33,442 --> 00:20:34,610
But I hate your flaws.
493
00:20:35,861 --> 00:20:37,196
And to all my friends.
494
00:20:37,362 --> 00:20:38,864
In the spiderhunt of life...
495
00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:46,038
...I sure am glad
that we're a team of six.
496
00:20:46,371 --> 00:20:47,497
-Cheers!
-Hey! Hey!
497
00:20:47,581 --> 00:20:48,999
-To those who...
-Okay. No, that's good.
498
00:20:49,958 --> 00:20:51,960
-And thank you. Thank you.
-Thank you.
499
00:21:06,308 --> 00:21:07,893
COACH: All right, here we go.
500
00:21:07,976 --> 00:21:09,228
-SCHMIDT: Ow.
-Oh.
501
00:21:19,571 --> 00:21:21,698
Yeah, sweep the leg, Johnny.
502
00:21:25,702 --> 00:21:26,954
-Ow.
-Ah...
503
00:21:28,580 --> 00:21:30,374
Okay. Okay.
504
00:21:32,125 --> 00:21:35,838
COACH: All right. Get off of me!
39691
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.