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When I was 22, I got involved
with the Russian mafia.
2
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Here's how it happened.
3
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I went to school at Florida State.
I was not a very good student.
4
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,018
This is how bad I was.
5
00:01:00,102 --> 00:01:03,063
I signed up for a Russian class one time,
thinking it was Spanish.
6
00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:05,107
And it took me three classes
before I realized,
7
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"I don't think this is Spanish."
8
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So I took Russian 1, 2, 3, and 4,
never learned a fucking word.
9
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The end of Russian 4,
same teacher pulls me aside.
10
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She's like,
"Yo, we're taking a trip to Russia.
11
00:01:17,995 --> 00:01:19,329
If you go, you'll get a minor."
12
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,665
I was like,
"Strasvutsia, bitches, I'm back!"
13
00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:24,835
We went to Russia.
The Russian mob ran everything.
14
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,253
And they told us that our first night.
15
00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:28,755
I'm in the back of the class like,
"This trip just got fucking awesome."
16
00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:32,926
Then, like, in exchange for our money,
they gave us two young gangsters.
17
00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:34,970
The word for that
in Russian is "banditti."
18
00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:37,514
So I ended up befriending the banditti.
19
00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:43,395
Then, one night, the whole class is taking
an overnight train trip to Moscow.
20
00:01:43,478 --> 00:01:46,273
We roll to the bar car
like a big dick in a locker room.
21
00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:49,526
Just, not that I've ever been that guy,
but I've seen it.
22
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:52,112
So the banditti says to me,
23
00:01:52,195 --> 00:01:55,157
"Don't worry. When it gets dark,
we have good time."
24
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,242
I'm like,
"What are we doing when it gets dark?"
25
00:01:58,076 --> 00:02:00,162
Reaches into his pocket,
pulls a ring of keys out.
26
00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:02,497
He goes,
"We're robbing the whole fucking train.”
27
00:02:02,581 --> 00:02:03,582
Now...
28
00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:08,879
I'm a good per-- I'm an okay person.
29
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:12,674
My point is, we fucking robbed them.
30
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:17,596
We robbed the whole train,
and then we drank hard as shit.
31
00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:21,808
Pull in to Moscow at 6 a.m.,
hammered, piss drunk. Train stops.
32
00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:22,809
It is him.
33
00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:24,519
My whole class, they're in their pajamas.
34
00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:26,521
They're upset.
They've been robbed. I get it.
35
00:02:26,605 --> 00:02:31,151
I want what you stole, Machine!
36
00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:32,944
I'm the Machine!
37
00:02:33,028 --> 00:02:36,740
They look at me and look at each other and
they're like, "Fuck it! He's the Machine!”
38
00:04:26,558 --> 00:04:27,768
Okay.
39
00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:31,646
So, Bert, how we doing today?
40
00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,315
I feel fantastic.
41
00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:35,901
I'm eating clean. I'm working out.
42
00:04:35,984 --> 00:04:37,277
Blood pressure's down.
43
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:38,820
No more partying.
44
00:04:39,571 --> 00:04:42,741
I haven't called anyone in this room
the C-word in almost three months, huh?
45
00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:44,993
He's never called Tat a C-word.
46
00:04:45,076 --> 00:04:47,204
- Oh, she's never acted like a C-word.
- Thanks, Dad.
47
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,247
So Mom and I act like C-words?
48
00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:50,457
You'd be shocked.
49
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,292
- Wait. Just leave it there.
- Mom! Mom?
50
00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:53,210
- Okay. Okay.
- Mom.
51
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,211
- Mom.
- I'm still waiting.
52
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,129
- All right!
- That's not fair.
53
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,256
Bert, why are we here?
54
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:01,593
Well, I wanted you guys to see
the progress that I've made.
55
00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:02,886
To see how far I've come.
56
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:06,056
Personal growth isn't something
that you need to point out.
57
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:09,100
Progress is something that your family
should be noticing on their own.
58
00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:11,770
Bro, that's why they're here,
to notice it.
59
00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:14,105
Hey, if you're not on my team,
shut the fuck up, okay?
60
00:05:14,189 --> 00:05:16,274
Okay, no.
Has Bert ever talked about his father?
61
00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:17,567
- No.
- This has absolutely
62
00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:19,444
nothing to do with my father.
63
00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:22,072
I had an incident with my daughter.
64
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:23,240
An incident.
65
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:26,409
That was caused by my lifestyle
and my behavior.
66
00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:29,246
And I am taking actions to course-correct.
67
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:30,580
And you should know
68
00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:33,625
that he sounds just like his father
when he talks like that.
69
00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:34,584
- Hold on.
- Yes.
70
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,378
- My father doesn't understand me.
- Same.
71
00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:37,879
Not same. Not same.
72
00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:39,631
My father's always correcting me.
73
00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:41,258
- Same, same.
- Not same, same!
74
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,718
Your relationship with me
is totally different
75
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:45,136
than my relationship with Papa.
76
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:47,681
Okay, girls, please, can you wait outside?
77
00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:49,808
Perfect. Come on, Tat.
78
00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:51,810
Deuces.
79
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:56,731
- So you can see what's going on here?
- Yeah.
80
00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,692
- You just saw that, right?
- Yes.
81
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,281
Wait. You're talking about me?
82
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,448
Oh, yes.
83
00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:06,741
Oh, fuck off.
84
00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:08,869
Fuck off? Fuck you! Fuck off!
85
00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:10,537
Oh, I didn't say it like, "Fuck off!"
86
00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:13,081
- I said, "Fuck off."
- You do not tell me "fuck off."
87
00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:14,708
It's my therapy.
I can say whatever I want, right?
88
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,960
- Actually, you can't.
- No, like, you signed an oath!
89
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:21,923
Hey! I am going to allow the two of you
to talk about his issues with his father.
90
00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:23,550
Deuces, Bert.
91
00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:30,891
You know the C-word's "cunt," right?
92
00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:31,892
Okay. Here we go.
93
00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:33,310
Okay. One last push.
94
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,686
You can get it all in.
95
00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:36,187
Get it all in. We got it.
96
00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:37,480
It's gonna-- Getting it in!
97
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,024
15 minutes! 15...
98
00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:40,817
Hey, babe! Look who's up!
99
00:06:42,861 --> 00:06:44,404
Babe, 96 workouts in a row,
100
00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:46,823
and I still feel like
I'm sweating out toxins.
101
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:49,159
- Still smells like your skin is pissing.
- Two more.
102
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,536
One more. Nice.
103
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,164
Hey.
104
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:58,043
Do you think people are gonna
think I'm on HGH? Feel that.
105
00:06:58,710 --> 00:06:59,544
Feel my tit.
106
00:06:59,628 --> 00:07:01,796
No, like full-handed.
Full-handed. Grab it.
107
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,965
There you go. Nice.
108
00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:05,383
I'm making smoothies.
109
00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:07,594
Who wants smoothies?
110
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,555
Mom, can you please tell him
111
00:07:10,639 --> 00:07:13,350
not to do anything embarrassing
at my party today?
112
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:17,020
So that's how we're gonna
start our morning?
113
00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:19,314
I haven't done anything
publicly embarrassing
114
00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:21,066
in almost three months.
115
00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:24,110
Okay.
116
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,196
But don't go overboard this time.
117
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,156
I just want it to be with my friends.
118
00:07:28,239 --> 00:07:29,115
What friends?
119
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:32,285
- So not cool.
- Don't.
120
00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,955
Are those nut sacks?
121
00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:36,289
No.
122
00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:38,458
It's a pimple for Dr. Pimple Popper.
123
00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:41,211
Oh, you don't think that's a little gross?
124
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:42,754
It's totally gross.
125
00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:44,422
That's why Sasha and I love it.
126
00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:45,882
If you think about it,
127
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:49,135
it's kind of like a metaphor
for her exploding into womanhood.
128
00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:54,307
What is wrong with this shirt?
129
00:07:57,519 --> 00:07:59,145
Supposed to be like this?
130
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:04,484
Hey, babe.
131
00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:07,779
If I stand like this,
does it look tucked in?
132
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,281
Don't wear that shirt.
133
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:12,325
All right.
134
00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:14,911
What are these, my dad's shirts?
135
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,332
Can you please help me pick out a shirt?
136
00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:22,127
Okay.
137
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:25,588
I think that this therapy is
making everything worse.
138
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:28,008
I think you need to get back on-stage.
139
00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:29,968
That's definitely not happening.
140
00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:31,970
- Why?
- Sit down.
141
00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:36,141
Have you ever seen The Nutty Professor?
142
00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:38,059
- No, I have not.
- Okay.
143
00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:40,020
Eddie Murphy turns into this one guy,
144
00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:41,312
which is great at first.
145
00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:43,398
But then his family starts hating him
146
00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:45,483
and he starts hating himself.
147
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:49,362
Look.
148
00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:55,368
I'm the Machine on-stage.
149
00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:57,746
I'm also the Machine off-stage.
150
00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:00,373
I got high and I got drunk,
151
00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,125
and I almost got our daughter arrested.
152
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:03,668
I saw the look in her face.
153
00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,504
I was helpless
and I couldn't do anything,
154
00:09:06,588 --> 00:09:08,465
and I wanted to kill myself.
155
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,260
I will never let that happen
to our family again.
156
00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:18,892
Well, fuck,
now I wanna watch The Nutty Professor.
157
00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:21,186
It's a pretty good movie.
I wish you had watched it.
158
00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:23,396
It's exactly
what I'm going through right now.
159
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:27,150
Maybe for now, for today,
we keep it simple.
160
00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:31,237
- I can do simple.
- Yeah?
161
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,538
There she is.
162
00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:41,873
There's my birthday girl.
163
00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:44,209
Hey, Sash, what do you think of the party?
164
00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:45,752
It's kind of big.
165
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:47,420
Kind of big and awesome, right?
166
00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:50,006
Hey, Bert,
does the DJ have any glitchcore?
167
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,132
Hey, Madison...
168
00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:55,678
I'll go check.
169
00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:57,055
- Hey. Hey.
- What's up?
170
00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:59,557
I thought you said you invited,
like, ten people.
171
00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:01,226
Oh, no. I invited a ton.
172
00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:02,852
Well, you can't risk no-shows, babe.
173
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:05,063
And partying
with six people is fucking depressing.
174
00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:06,773
I even invited parents that hate me.
175
00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:08,691
What's up, Madison's mom?
176
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,611
That guy's a bitch. He is such a...
177
00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:14,322
- She's going through a divorce. Be nice.
- Seriously?
178
00:10:14,405 --> 00:10:16,074
Hey, hey. This is a sweet 16.
179
00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:18,326
- It's a big deal.
- Yeah, for Sash.
180
00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:20,620
I think Skeletor over there
must be the DJ.
181
00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:22,122
Can you tell him where to set up?
182
00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:23,581
Yeah. Hey, Trainspotting.
183
00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:26,209
You have any glitchcore?
Wait, is that my boom box?
184
00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:27,669
Yeah.
185
00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:30,922
- Is that my auxiliary cord?
- Yeah.
186
00:10:31,005 --> 00:10:32,715
Oh, do you want my phone?
187
00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:34,676
Nah.
188
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:39,931
Fucking disgusting.
189
00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:41,558
Hey, don't do that around the kids.
190
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,769
Actually, you know what? Stay away
from the kids. We got music! I think.
191
00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:46,938
Gentlemen, what are you doing up here?
Girls are in the pool.
192
00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:48,106
They're talking about you. Jump in.
193
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:49,858
Take your shirts off.
Don't piss in my pool.
194
00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:52,443
- Yo, Machine.
- Not today, brother. Not today.
195
00:10:52,527 --> 00:10:55,530
Ladies. Steer clear of the DJ.
Food's to the right, all right?
196
00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:56,906
Hey, Kreischer, no booze?
197
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,825
Hey, Madison's mom, no husband?
198
00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:00,869
Fucking bitch.
199
00:11:03,538 --> 00:11:05,957
Killing it, B-Man. Killing it.
200
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:11,129
Hey there.
201
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:17,093
Dad?
202
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,344
In the flesh.
203
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:26,769
I see you haven't given up trying
to learn how to barbecue.
204
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:28,021
Good for you, son.
205
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:30,565
Wait, what are you doing here?
206
00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:34,485
Well, I'm not gonna miss
my grandkid's sweet 16.
207
00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:35,945
It's a big day.
208
00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:39,699
Right. Right.
209
00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:42,160
Well...
210
00:11:55,006 --> 00:11:56,507
Not gonna flip ‘em yet, huh?
211
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,138
Might be... It's okay, it's okay.
212
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,514
Really?
213
00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:06,142
Well, I just don't want you
to mess 'em up.
214
00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:08,770
You know,
then people will be disappointed.
215
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,146
You'll feel bad.
216
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,690
It'll be all that,
"Huh, remember Bert's barbecue?
217
00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:14,901
- Those burgers, yikes."
- Goddamn it.
218
00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:16,319
Oh, see?
219
00:12:16,402 --> 00:12:17,779
Did you add egg to the mix?
220
00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:20,782
- Okay, Dad.
- It binds. It moisturizes.
221
00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:22,325
Makes a much better burger.
222
00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:24,661
My dad showed up.
223
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:25,995
- From Florida?
- Yeah.
224
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:29,374
And it took about two seconds before
he started making me mental with the...
225
00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:32,794
- Look at him!
- Hey, Boo Bear! Hil!
226
00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:34,587
He's a monster.
227
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:38,091
Okay, yeah. Breathe it out there, champ.
228
00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:39,842
- Hey, hey, Dad?
- Yesl!
229
00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:42,053
Yeah, no. The dog's pooping in the pool.
230
00:12:42,136 --> 00:12:42,971
What?
231
00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:44,555
Wait, how?
232
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:47,725
You paid money
to see my son take off his shirt
233
00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:50,270
and tell his made-up story
about robbing a train in Russia?
234
00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:52,480
Dad, for the millionth time,
it's a true story.
235
00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:53,940
It's my job, okay?
236
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:55,441
And you should get back on-stage.
237
00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:57,735
‘Cause I've seen you only,
like, five times.
238
00:12:57,819 --> 00:13:00,154
You paid to see him five times?
239
00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:03,449
I'm just shocked
that people would actually do that.
240
00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:04,450
Dad.
241
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:06,286
You don't buy carpet five times.
242
00:13:06,369 --> 00:13:10,331
- Bye, Papa.
- Oh, sweetheart.
243
00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:11,582
I'm sorry, I'm gonna go.
244
00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:12,792
Oh, don't worry about that.
245
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:17,797
And you remember, you can call me anytime
whenever you want to talk about...
246
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,007
Well, you know.
247
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:21,342
All right. Bye.
248
00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:24,178
Wait, where are you going? Hold on.
249
00:13:24,262 --> 00:13:26,014
- Bye, Bert.
- Mr. Kreischer. Hey, stop!
250
00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:27,265
- What?
- Where are you going?
251
00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:29,434
Mads asked me to go to Big Bear
for, like, three days.
252
00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:32,228
You are not going anywhere.
Hey, you're 16 years old.
253
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:35,315
You're not going to Big Bear 'cause I know
you're gonna drink beer and smoke pot.
254
00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:37,608
I'll be fine because I'm not you. Okay?
255
00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:39,777
Okay, stop. That's fair. That's fair.
256
00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:42,238
I deserve that. I deserve that. Okay?
257
00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:45,408
Hey. Look at me. Look at me. Don't go.
258
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:46,951
We wrap up this party, me and you,
259
00:13:47,035 --> 00:13:49,078
hang out tonight,
we'll watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
260
00:13:49,787 --> 00:13:52,040
I don't even watch that show anymore, Dad.
261
00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:54,125
And I don't even know
half of these people here.
262
00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:55,460
What, are you kidding me?
263
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,046
You know-- What about this guy?
You know this guy.
264
00:13:58,129 --> 00:13:59,297
- Ray Ray.
- You know Ray Ray.
265
00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:01,382
Dad, I said I wanted a small party,
266
00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:03,843
and you promised
that you wouldn't embarrass me.
267
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:06,179
I'm just trying to be a good dad.
268
00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:07,263
See?
269
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:08,973
It's about you.
270
00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:11,934
- It's always about you!
- What are you talking about?
271
00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:14,687
How did I make it about...?
How did you flip that?
272
00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:16,147
Don't do that! Don't leave!
273
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:17,899
Don't you flip me off!
274
00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:19,442
Don't you get in that car!
275
00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:21,110
Don't get-- See?
276
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,905
This is the C-word behavior
I was talking about in therapy!
277
00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:26,282
I'm not saying it!
I'm just pointing it out!
278
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:35,500
It's your fat fucking fault! Asshole!
279
00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:37,585
Goddamn it.
280
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:46,928
Son?
281
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:48,721
Not now, Dad.
282
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:52,058
We should...
283
00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:54,310
You know...
284
00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:57,855
if you're searching for a new path,
285
00:14:58,689 --> 00:15:01,734
there's always room for you
at Kreischer Karpets.
286
00:15:02,944 --> 00:15:05,446
I'm good, Dad, okay? I'm good. I promise.
287
00:15:05,530 --> 00:15:06,656
Just give me a minute.
288
00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:08,616
Well...
289
00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:13,079
I just wasn't sure, you know,
how you're making money
290
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:17,166
if you're not doing
the whole comedy thing anymore.
291
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,294
Hey, I'm a grown man.
292
00:15:20,378 --> 00:15:21,462
I'll figure it out, okay?
293
00:15:21,546 --> 00:15:23,423
Yeah, all right, all right, you know.
294
00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:25,299
Just trying to help.
295
00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:27,051
Hold on right there.
296
00:15:27,135 --> 00:15:29,762
No, you're not.
You're never trying to help, Dad.
297
00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:30,972
That's the point.
298
00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:34,058
When I got in trouble, what did you say
to me? "Oh, don't be an idiot."
299
00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:37,228
My advice to you was
don't do stupid things in public,
300
00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:39,272
- especially with the children.
- Oh, same thing!
301
00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:40,690
Which is good advice.
302
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,608
And you and Sasha wouldn't be
where you were
303
00:15:42,692 --> 00:15:44,444
if you'd only listened to me.
304
00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:45,736
Oh, my God.
305
00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:49,115
Ma'am, the party's outside. Okay?
306
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:50,783
Are you the Machine?
307
00:15:50,867 --> 00:15:52,410
Oh, shit.
308
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,080
Yeah, I am.
And I can do a picture in a second.
309
00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:59,208
I'm kind of having
a private moment with my father, okay?
310
00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:03,337
I'm here for the pocket watch
311
00:16:03,421 --> 00:16:07,175
stolen on a train in Russia 23 years ago
312
00:16:07,258 --> 00:16:08,885
by you.
313
00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:11,012
Okay.
314
00:16:11,596 --> 00:16:13,514
I'm having a shitshow day.
315
00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:16,934
So if this is some sort of TikTok prank,
I'm about to lose my fucking shit.
316
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:20,938
It's definitely a prank.
Clearly, that's a fake gun.
317
00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:23,608
Or not!
318
00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:25,651
- She's got a fucking gun, Dad!
- Yeah, I'm clear on that now.
319
00:16:25,735 --> 00:16:27,195
- Sit down!
- Yes, ma'am.
320
00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:31,365
My name is Irina Ivanona Volgina.
321
00:16:31,449 --> 00:16:34,577
And I suggest you start remembering.
322
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:37,288
It was 20 years ago.
I barely remember that trip.
323
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:39,707
I don't have a watch,
and it's definitely not here.
324
00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:42,418
Then you're coming with me
back to Russia to find it.
325
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:43,920
Russia?
326
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:46,005
Look at your daughter.
327
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,759
So innocent.
328
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,219
So pure.
329
00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:53,888
So vulnerable.
330
00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:56,599
Do you see that man?
331
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:58,684
DJ Chemo?
332
00:16:58,768 --> 00:17:00,645
He will follow her on her trip.
333
00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:03,064
If you do not find my watch,
334
00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:04,524
he kills her.
335
00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:10,446
If you try to run, he Kills her.
336
00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:15,243
You say a word about this to anyone...
337
00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:18,287
he kills her.
338
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,872
Okay. Okay.
339
00:17:19,956 --> 00:17:22,833
I'll do whatever you want.
Just let my daughter go.
340
00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:26,462
Listen, I'll do whatever you want.
341
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,924
Just don't hurt my daughter.
And let my father go, all right?
342
00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:32,343
He wasn't supposed to be here.
He wasn't even invited.
343
00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:37,098
- I'm going with you.
- Dad, you're not going with me.
344
00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:40,101
I wouldn't be able to live with myself
if you failed to protect Sasha.
345
00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:42,895
- Dad, stop! You're not going!
- He goes!
346
00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:46,274
If you need persuading in Russia,
347
00:17:46,357 --> 00:17:47,858
he might be useful.
348
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:50,903
For torture.
349
00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:52,738
The car is waiting.
350
00:17:52,822 --> 00:17:54,282
We leave now.
351
00:17:57,535 --> 00:17:59,203
Dad, put your fucking hands down.
352
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,206
Excuse me. Hey, Albert?
353
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,042
Hold, hold, hold, wait up.
354
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:08,254
Oh, my God. I haven't even seen you yet.
I'm so sorry I haven't said hi.
355
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:09,672
- Hello.
- Hello, dear.
356
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:11,757
There are so many people here.
357
00:18:11,841 --> 00:18:13,634
Hi. Oh, who is this?
358
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:16,971
This is our Uber driver, Sylvia.
359
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:18,222
Sylvia.
360
00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:19,432
Hi.
361
00:18:19,515 --> 00:18:21,726
Hi. Your Uber driver?
362
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:22,893
Where are you going?
363
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:26,897
Oh, my God.
364
00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:28,691
Yeah. I see what's going on.
365
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,693
You two are gonna follow Sasha
to Big Bear.
366
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:32,778
- Yes, we are.
- Exactly. Big Bear, yes.
367
00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:34,447
Cool. Great. Well, you know what?
368
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:36,407
I'll just stay home,
take care of everything,
369
00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:40,953
and the two of you can just fuck off
on your creepy, little, puritanical--
370
00:18:47,168 --> 00:18:49,337
I love you. I'm sorry. Kiss Tats for me.
371
00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:50,421
Dad, let's go.
372
00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:52,423
Where...?
373
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,759
Good work, Kreischers.
374
00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:59,430
This is my bodyguard, Sponge.
375
00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:01,599
Sponge, like you absorb liquids?
376
00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:03,517
Absorb bullets.
377
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:27,750
Two? You said one.
378
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,419
Still think I made the story up?
379
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:33,339
You cannot bring both.
380
00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:34,757
Too many questions!
381
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,259
Oh, fuck!
382
00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:41,889
Never tell me what I can do. Ever!
383
00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:45,434
Move it.
384
00:19:55,403 --> 00:19:59,448
They said Machine had ice in veins.
385
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,784
Could walk through the walls.
386
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:04,662
Drink more than any man.
387
00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:07,957
I grew up hearing this myth.
388
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:10,543
You.
389
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,590
You're fat.
390
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,552
And you have tits.
391
00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:21,470
Very disturbing.
392
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:24,473
That's body-shaming. And honestly,
I expect more empathy out of a woman.
393
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:25,975
Such a disappointment.
394
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:29,687
Like opening peanuts
and joke snake pop out.
395
00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,313
Enjoy your flight, Machine.
396
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:33,315
It will probably be your last.
397
00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:14,106
All right. When we land,
I'm gonna create a diversion.
398
00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:16,400
What I want you to do is go
to the embassy.
399
00:21:16,484 --> 00:21:17,318
Dad.
400
00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:20,279
Now, these people really know
what they're doing around the grill.
401
00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:22,281
How can you eat at a time like this?
402
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:26,202
Son, I'm a small-business owner
from a "stand your ground" state.
403
00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:27,703
This is like a Tuesday for me.
404
00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:30,456
Machina, the myth.
405
00:21:30,539 --> 00:21:32,333
Your turn, huh?
406
00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:35,920
No, no. I wish I could.
I just got a crown replaced.
407
00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:37,880
Oh, Machina.
408
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:40,299
But I have an uneven jaw,
and it took them forever to...
409
00:21:40,382 --> 00:21:41,967
- Hey, Bert.
- What?
410
00:21:42,051 --> 00:21:44,970
You want to know
why people respect Kreischer Karpets?
411
00:21:45,054 --> 00:21:47,181
Well, it's definitely
not ‘cause you spelled "carpets" with a K.
412
00:21:47,264 --> 00:21:48,682
No, that's just good marketing.
413
00:21:48,766 --> 00:21:53,062
It's because we install anywhere.
414
00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:54,980
We never show fear.
415
00:21:55,606 --> 00:21:57,024
We face it.
416
00:21:57,107 --> 00:22:01,695
So, Bert, don't show fear.
417
00:22:05,950 --> 00:22:07,868
You really shoehorned that message in.
418
00:22:08,536 --> 00:22:11,205
All right, Sponge, I guess I got next.
419
00:22:13,457 --> 00:22:14,834
Machina,
420
00:22:15,459 --> 00:22:18,504
all I have heard about you,
and you have titty, huh?
421
00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:21,757
You're such a large man.
422
00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:24,718
You're so fucking big.
423
00:22:25,845 --> 00:22:27,388
Let's hope this works.
424
00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:33,894
I'm gonna show you
what we in the States call "dad strength."
425
00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:43,028
Funny!
426
00:22:43,112 --> 00:22:44,238
Now...
427
00:22:45,322 --> 00:22:46,824
my turn, huh?
428
00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:07,636
Well, you showed fear.
429
00:23:11,557 --> 00:23:15,603
Son, I think this trip to Russia
could give you some... direction.
430
00:23:16,103 --> 00:23:18,772
Look, I had this with me in Rome.
431
00:23:18,856 --> 00:23:20,608
Saved me more than a few times.
432
00:23:21,191 --> 00:23:22,443
You take care of it...
433
00:23:23,694 --> 00:23:25,154
it will take care of you.
434
00:23:27,865 --> 00:23:28,991
Your pocketknife?
435
00:23:29,992 --> 00:23:31,201
Ah, thanks, Dad.
436
00:23:32,286 --> 00:23:35,623
We hope our sons grow up to be
the men we wish we could be, Bert.
437
00:23:36,707 --> 00:23:39,043
Maybe this trip can start you
on that path.
438
00:23:39,126 --> 00:23:40,294
And also...
439
00:23:41,921 --> 00:23:44,381
if you lose that knife in Russia,
440
00:23:45,132 --> 00:23:47,593
I will disown you.
441
00:23:47,676 --> 00:23:49,595
Ah, funny story.
442
00:23:51,764 --> 00:23:55,059
I did lose your knife in Russia.
443
00:23:55,142 --> 00:23:56,560
Dad, I'm sorry.
444
00:23:57,645 --> 00:23:59,146
I knew you'd let me down.
445
00:24:00,773 --> 00:24:01,607
You did?
446
00:24:05,194 --> 00:24:06,779
Got your manhood!
447
00:24:06,862 --> 00:24:08,948
Oh, you took my testicles!
448
00:24:14,203 --> 00:24:15,663
- Hey there.
- While you were out,
449
00:24:15,746 --> 00:24:18,082
- your father and I got to know each other.
- Wait.
450
00:24:18,165 --> 00:24:20,918
Also, we watched
Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid.
451
00:24:21,001 --> 00:24:22,252
The ending? Wow.
452
00:24:22,336 --> 00:24:24,254
Dad, that's our movie.
453
00:24:24,338 --> 00:24:26,924
Bert, we have to find this watch.
454
00:24:27,007 --> 00:24:28,550
You stole it. What'd you do with it?
455
00:24:28,634 --> 00:24:31,595
Jesus Christ. It's the top five drunkest
I've ever been in my life.
456
00:24:31,679 --> 00:24:33,764
I'm usually drunk when I tell the story.
457
00:24:34,682 --> 00:24:37,017
Okay. Okay. Hold on, hold on.
458
00:24:37,101 --> 00:24:40,479
Give me a sec. Let me think. Let me think.
God. I'm not good with guns at my head.
459
00:24:43,649 --> 00:24:45,526
Fedor. What about Fedor?
460
00:24:45,609 --> 00:24:48,529
He was the gangster on the train.
Everything we stole, we gave to him.
461
00:24:48,612 --> 00:24:50,823
Yeah, I talked to Fedor.
462
00:24:50,906 --> 00:24:52,574
He doesn't remember the watch.
463
00:24:52,658 --> 00:24:54,034
So I killed him.
464
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:56,370
Jesus Christ.
465
00:24:58,163 --> 00:24:59,248
Igor.
466
00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:02,459
Which Igor?
467
00:25:02,543 --> 00:25:04,128
I know like 50 Igors.
468
00:25:04,211 --> 00:25:07,798
Igor was the mobster
that took care of our class.
469
00:25:07,881 --> 00:25:09,508
He lived with us in the dorms.
470
00:25:09,591 --> 00:25:11,301
Maybe he still lives in the dorms.
471
00:25:11,385 --> 00:25:13,721
Fuck school. Let's party.
472
00:25:17,307 --> 00:25:19,101
Then this is where we go.
473
00:25:23,856 --> 00:25:27,943
Can't believe you watched
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Fuck.
474
00:25:44,043 --> 00:25:46,253
Follow my lead.
If we get a chance, we run.
475
00:25:46,336 --> 00:25:47,629
Is there a problem?
476
00:25:47,713 --> 00:25:51,258
Your documents indicate 11 passengers.
477
00:25:51,341 --> 00:25:52,509
But I count 12.
478
00:25:53,510 --> 00:25:55,512
I told you so.
479
00:25:57,264 --> 00:25:59,850
Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad.
480
00:25:59,933 --> 00:26:00,934
Oh, my God.
481
00:26:02,436 --> 00:26:04,396
He's going down. He's going down.
482
00:26:05,606 --> 00:26:06,607
I count 11.
483
00:26:06,690 --> 00:26:07,691
Jeez Louise!
484
00:26:16,325 --> 00:26:17,409
Wait.
485
00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:19,953
That's me. I'm the Machine.
486
00:26:20,037 --> 00:26:21,789
Why am I on a billboard?
487
00:26:21,872 --> 00:26:24,041
Da. You famous.
488
00:26:25,167 --> 00:26:26,919
I'm hot folklore in the Soviet Union.
489
00:26:27,002 --> 00:26:29,546
The Soviet Union is dead,
you ignorant fuck!
490
00:26:30,464 --> 00:26:33,050
We're Russia. We're strong.
491
00:26:33,133 --> 00:26:34,051
We're here.
492
00:26:36,470 --> 00:26:38,472
They turned it into condos.
493
00:26:40,432 --> 00:26:41,725
Oh, hello there.
494
00:26:43,393 --> 00:26:46,021
Hey, Dad, this isn't Orlando.
Quit trying to work a threesome.
495
00:26:46,105 --> 00:26:47,689
Put it back in your pants.
496
00:26:47,773 --> 00:26:49,775
Well, that was rude.
497
00:26:49,858 --> 00:26:51,110
Move.
498
00:26:51,193 --> 00:26:52,945
Hey, here's where we took classes.
499
00:26:54,029 --> 00:26:55,531
This is where I met Igor.
500
00:26:59,118 --> 00:27:00,661
Twenty-three years ago.
501
00:27:01,161 --> 00:27:03,372
I should've taken more pictures
of my dick.
502
00:27:24,226 --> 00:27:25,936
Okay, class, listen up.
503
00:27:26,645 --> 00:27:29,481
Do not expect an easy course load.
504
00:27:29,565 --> 00:27:30,899
It isn't a vacation.
505
00:27:30,983 --> 00:27:35,070
Your goal is to culturally bond
with the indigenous citizens.
506
00:27:35,737 --> 00:27:39,658
This is Igor. He is a banditti.
You will be taking courses...
507
00:27:39,741 --> 00:27:42,494
I actually don't speak much Russian.
What is "banditti"?
508
00:27:42,578 --> 00:27:45,914
Oh, "banditti" is the Russian word
for mobster.
509
00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:49,376
This is a class trip.
How come we've never met?
510
00:27:49,459 --> 00:27:52,129
Oh, I don't go to class much. I'm Bert.
511
00:27:52,212 --> 00:27:53,881
Oh, Ashley.
512
00:27:53,964 --> 00:27:56,049
But Russia is a dangerous place.
513
00:27:56,133 --> 00:27:57,718
Igor is our fixer.
514
00:27:57,801 --> 00:28:00,470
He is only here for your protection.
515
00:28:01,305 --> 00:28:02,598
He is very dangerous.
516
00:28:06,768 --> 00:28:09,813
You are not to talk to
or hang out with him.
517
00:28:09,897 --> 00:28:12,024
All I want to do is hang out with him.
518
00:28:12,107 --> 00:28:15,235
I never know what to believe about
what you say happened back then.
519
00:28:15,319 --> 00:28:18,155
You do have a very active imagination.
520
00:28:18,822 --> 00:28:19,823
I imagine.
521
00:28:19,907 --> 00:28:22,951
- That's my issue.
- Well, one of them.
522
00:28:23,035 --> 00:28:26,079
My father and I have
a similar relationship.
523
00:28:26,163 --> 00:28:27,372
What the fuck is this thing?
524
00:28:27,456 --> 00:28:28,665
Is it an iPad?
525
00:28:29,374 --> 00:28:30,792
I got this, son.
526
00:28:30,876 --> 00:28:32,961
I am an Eagle Scout.
527
00:28:34,213 --> 00:28:35,631
What is an Eagle Scout?
528
00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:37,341
It's like if James Bond was a Mormon.
529
00:28:37,424 --> 00:28:39,593
An Eagle Scout can get in anywhere.
530
00:28:39,676 --> 00:28:41,845
You'd know that
if you'd become an Eagle Scout.
531
00:28:41,929 --> 00:28:43,472
But no...
532
00:28:47,517 --> 00:28:49,353
My fist is Eagle Scout.
533
00:28:51,188 --> 00:28:52,522
I'll wait in the car.
534
00:28:54,024 --> 00:28:55,943
He has impulse-control issue.
535
00:28:56,026 --> 00:28:56,860
Very sad.
536
00:28:56,944 --> 00:28:58,445
Yeah. Steroids will do that to you.
537
00:28:59,613 --> 00:29:01,490
They really dressed this place up.
538
00:29:02,491 --> 00:29:04,785
Still have the world's smallest elevator.
539
00:29:10,165 --> 00:29:12,751
Tell Vanya they are here.
540
00:29:15,128 --> 00:29:16,713
Holy shit.
541
00:29:17,381 --> 00:29:20,300
There was a woman that sat right there.
542
00:29:20,384 --> 00:29:22,970
She absolutely loved me.
543
00:29:23,053 --> 00:29:25,597
lgor's room was all the way down
to the right.
544
00:29:26,431 --> 00:29:28,517
I took a shit on a pizza box right there.
545
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:30,435
Jesus, son.
546
00:29:30,519 --> 00:29:32,437
Eh, it got mixed reviews.
547
00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:36,358
Honestly,
if I hadn't sprained that finger,
548
00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:38,151
probably would've made it to the league.
549
00:29:38,235 --> 00:29:40,320
But, you know,
I wasn't about to lose a thumb war
550
00:29:40,404 --> 00:29:42,155
to a 12-year-old, you know?
551
00:29:42,656 --> 00:29:44,032
Here you go, dabushka.
552
00:29:44,116 --> 00:29:46,034
Gifts from your American friend.
553
00:29:47,703 --> 00:29:50,414
Gifts are a very important aspect
of Russian life, Ash.
554
00:29:50,497 --> 00:29:51,832
Bet you didn't know that.
555
00:29:52,582 --> 00:29:54,501
Bet you didn't know your fly was down.
556
00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:58,964
Why are you telling us this?
557
00:29:59,047 --> 00:30:00,048
Sorry.
558
00:30:00,132 --> 00:30:01,758
Lot of memories being back here.
559
00:30:05,595 --> 00:30:08,682
Whoa, you live right across
from Igor and the banditti?
560
00:30:08,765 --> 00:30:11,059
Do you ever hear, like,
screams coming from their room?
561
00:30:11,143 --> 00:30:12,185
No, not really.
562
00:30:13,270 --> 00:30:14,271
Look at them.
563
00:30:14,813 --> 00:30:16,565
They're magnificent.
564
00:30:16,648 --> 00:30:19,109
How do I talk to them?
How do I say my name?
565
00:30:22,362 --> 00:30:24,156
I planned the perfect sentence.
566
00:30:25,991 --> 00:30:29,286
But the second I was face-to-face
with a real Russian gangster,
567
00:30:29,369 --> 00:30:30,495
I panicked.
568
00:30:31,246 --> 00:30:32,497
Ya machina.
569
00:30:38,628 --> 00:30:40,130
Ya machina.
570
00:30:40,756 --> 00:30:42,758
"Muchina" means badass.
571
00:30:42,841 --> 00:30:44,718
"Machina" means machine.
572
00:30:44,801 --> 00:30:46,428
I said I was the Machine.
573
00:30:46,511 --> 00:30:47,971
You're an idiot.
574
00:30:49,181 --> 00:30:50,682
Ya machina.
575
00:30:52,142 --> 00:30:53,143
Luckily...
576
00:30:54,227 --> 00:30:55,520
they thought it was hilarious.
577
00:30:55,604 --> 00:30:57,189
On machina!
578
00:30:58,648 --> 00:31:01,485
They introduced me to their world,
and I introduced them to mine.
579
00:31:01,568 --> 00:31:04,112
Vodka, lemon, two teaspoons of sugar.
580
00:31:04,196 --> 00:31:06,656
- These are called lemon drops.
- They're called lemon drops.
581
00:31:06,740 --> 00:31:10,994
Okay, they're from Florida,
and they're fucking delicious!
582
00:31:11,078 --> 00:31:13,997
The Machine is powered by lemons!
583
00:31:14,081 --> 00:31:17,209
And the legend of the Machine was born.
584
00:31:21,505 --> 00:31:22,881
All right, all right, all right.
585
00:31:22,964 --> 00:31:26,259
This next one's a little thing
I like to call Beavis and Butt-Head.
586
00:31:28,095 --> 00:31:29,471
His head is a butt!
587
00:31:29,554 --> 00:31:32,140
They had no frame of reference
for American culture.
588
00:31:32,224 --> 00:31:34,935
Do I make you horny?
589
00:31:35,018 --> 00:31:37,187
Austin Powers? Really?
590
00:31:37,270 --> 00:31:38,313
Shut up, Dad.
591
00:31:39,189 --> 00:31:41,942
So I stole from the best,
and they thought it was me.
592
00:31:43,443 --> 00:31:46,780
To them, I was just some crazy genius
who could out-drink ‘em all.
593
00:31:46,863 --> 00:31:49,366
I'm the Machine!
594
00:31:55,247 --> 00:31:57,290
I call this the "Macarena."
595
00:31:59,835 --> 00:32:01,128
Word spread fast.
596
00:32:01,211 --> 00:32:04,131
And the legend of the Machine
just kept growing.
597
00:32:08,468 --> 00:32:11,054
Everyone in Russia heard the stories.
598
00:32:11,138 --> 00:32:13,140
You were folklore.
599
00:32:13,223 --> 00:32:14,933
I was good for Igor's business.
600
00:32:15,016 --> 00:32:16,435
People paid him to party with me.
601
00:32:16,518 --> 00:32:17,894
Wait! The stash hole!
602
00:32:18,562 --> 00:32:21,231
Ilgor's room has a stash hole in it,
in the wall.
603
00:32:21,314 --> 00:32:23,817
And what does he keep in this hole?
604
00:32:23,900 --> 00:32:25,152
Beanie Babies.
605
00:32:25,652 --> 00:32:27,737
Come on. Drugs, money and porn.
You're in the mob.
606
00:32:27,821 --> 00:32:30,532
But maybe there's something in there
that can tell us how to find him.
607
00:32:30,615 --> 00:32:31,950
It's this one right here.
608
00:32:32,033 --> 00:32:35,120
I hope so, for your daughter's sake.
609
00:32:39,416 --> 00:32:40,292
Oil
610
00:32:40,375 --> 00:32:44,629
- That's feminism. You asked for it.
- Fuck you! Pussy woman-boy!
611
00:32:44,713 --> 00:32:46,840
Well, I see wokeness hasn't
made its way to Russia.
612
00:33:02,689 --> 00:33:05,233
- The hole?
- Yeah, right.
613
00:33:05,901 --> 00:33:06,902
All right.
614
00:33:07,569 --> 00:33:09,863
That wall used to go all the way down.
615
00:33:10,489 --> 00:33:11,865
If I'm not mistaken...
616
00:33:16,536 --> 00:33:17,412
Bingo.
617
00:33:22,667 --> 00:33:24,461
No watch.
618
00:33:24,544 --> 00:33:26,213
This is something way better.
619
00:33:26,296 --> 00:33:27,881
One of Ash's pot brownies, Dad.
620
00:33:27,964 --> 00:33:30,133
These things were gold back in the day.
621
00:33:30,217 --> 00:33:33,845
Why would anyone keep
20-year-old marijuana brownies?
622
00:33:33,929 --> 00:33:37,224
Ashley's pot brownies are
the best thing I've ever tasted.
623
00:33:37,307 --> 00:33:39,559
They're mad strong, though,
so only eat a little.
624
00:33:41,394 --> 00:33:42,562
Don't fuck.
625
00:33:44,439 --> 00:33:46,233
You're fucking with me, man.
626
00:33:46,858 --> 00:33:48,443
Go fuck yourself.
627
00:33:50,403 --> 00:33:52,155
Hey, how'd you become a banditti?
628
00:33:53,448 --> 00:33:54,449
One day,
629
00:33:55,951 --> 00:33:57,202
man told me,
630
00:33:57,285 --> 00:34:00,539
"Igor, help me with this thing."
631
00:34:02,499 --> 00:34:03,625
Thing was mafia.
632
00:34:03,708 --> 00:34:06,086
‘Cause if I get hungry, I get hangry,
and everybody knows
633
00:34:06,169 --> 00:34:08,421
marijuana goes bad after time.
It's like the reverse of pickles.
634
00:34:08,505 --> 00:34:11,258
So no Igor, no watch.
635
00:34:11,341 --> 00:34:14,219
Just old money and pickle weed.
636
00:34:14,844 --> 00:34:16,930
This is not good for you, Bert.
637
00:34:17,013 --> 00:34:18,348
Fuck you.
638
00:34:19,599 --> 00:34:20,767
Vanya.
639
00:34:20,850 --> 00:34:22,561
It's not good for you either.
640
00:34:24,813 --> 00:34:27,315
What are you doing here?
641
00:34:28,858 --> 00:34:30,527
He is Machina?
642
00:34:30,610 --> 00:34:31,653
The man's man?
643
00:34:31,736 --> 00:34:33,196
Nah.
644
00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:36,116
He has... breasts.
645
00:34:42,872 --> 00:34:45,166
Your friend, Igor,
646
00:34:45,959 --> 00:34:48,545
he took over the trains to Moscow.
647
00:34:49,129 --> 00:34:51,506
And now I know where to find the watch.
648
00:34:51,590 --> 00:34:53,383
How do you know Igor runs trains?
649
00:34:53,466 --> 00:34:54,593
Because...
650
00:34:55,552 --> 00:34:56,970
I am respected.
651
00:35:00,015 --> 00:35:02,601
I make it my job to know these things.
652
00:35:02,684 --> 00:35:03,685
You?
653
00:35:06,271 --> 00:35:07,814
You are foolish woman.
654
00:35:08,523 --> 00:35:10,358
Playing pretend.
655
00:35:17,490 --> 00:35:18,825
I do not play.
656
00:35:26,833 --> 00:35:28,752
Holy cow!
657
00:35:32,380 --> 00:35:34,049
You're an insolent child, Vanya.
658
00:35:34,132 --> 00:35:37,385
Now you come with me on train
or you go out window.
659
00:35:38,470 --> 00:35:41,097
- All right, let's go, Dad. Come on.
- Yeah, let's go. Let's go.
660
00:35:42,307 --> 00:35:43,308
See you around.
661
00:35:46,603 --> 00:35:47,937
Put your hands down.
662
00:35:50,815 --> 00:35:52,692
Well, this is wonderful.
663
00:35:52,776 --> 00:35:54,694
We're about to be killed by gangsters.
664
00:35:54,778 --> 00:35:56,905
And you're pocketing ancient pot brownies.
665
00:35:56,988 --> 00:35:59,824
You say shit like that and you wonder
why we haven't visited in three years.
666
00:35:59,908 --> 00:36:01,034
- So now it's my fault?
- Yeah.
667
00:36:01,117 --> 00:36:02,911
I don't want to be around that shit,
and neither do my Kids.
668
00:36:02,994 --> 00:36:04,954
Your kids are great.
Don't bring them into this.
669
00:36:05,038 --> 00:36:07,832
Oh, I know they're great, Dad.
They're my Kids.
670
00:36:07,916 --> 00:36:11,252
You know, your problem is
you live this life where you get rewarded
671
00:36:11,336 --> 00:36:14,297
for indulging in your worst tendencies.
672
00:36:26,768 --> 00:36:28,269
Let's hope that was an adjustment.
673
00:36:29,688 --> 00:36:31,064
Meet you downstairs.
674
00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:55,588
Well, we should be safe in here.
675
00:37:14,482 --> 00:37:15,358
I got you, son!
676
00:37:15,442 --> 00:37:16,818
No, I got you! I'm covering you!
677
00:37:16,901 --> 00:37:18,570
- Everything's under control!
- No!
678
00:37:43,803 --> 00:37:45,346
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
679
00:37:45,430 --> 00:37:46,556
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
680
00:38:02,155 --> 00:38:03,615
Lift!
681
00:38:03,698 --> 00:38:05,492
- No! No, no! Close, close!
- Close the door!
682
00:38:05,575 --> 00:38:06,743
Shoot back, idiots!
683
00:38:12,499 --> 00:38:15,627
I will present the boss
with your head, Machina!
684
00:38:15,710 --> 00:38:16,711
Dad.
685
00:38:16,795 --> 00:38:18,880
I can't use that.
686
00:38:18,963 --> 00:38:21,466
After I read Mandela's biography,
687
00:38:21,549 --> 00:38:24,928
I made a vow of nonviolence.
688
00:38:25,011 --> 00:38:26,471
You are dead!
689
00:38:26,554 --> 00:38:27,680
Dead!
690
00:38:27,764 --> 00:38:29,891
Fine. I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg.
691
00:38:57,210 --> 00:38:58,461
Let's go, dickheads!
692
00:39:05,218 --> 00:39:06,761
Goddamn it. Let go.
693
00:39:06,845 --> 00:39:08,930
No! I'm glad you're alive! Let go of me!
694
00:39:09,013 --> 00:39:11,140
- Get in the car, son.
- I'm trying, Dad!
695
00:39:25,530 --> 00:39:26,698
Sponge!
696
00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:29,075
What happened to the fucking car?
697
00:39:29,701 --> 00:39:31,035
So bad. This is not going away.
698
00:39:31,119 --> 00:39:32,370
We need to get on that train!
699
00:39:33,162 --> 00:39:34,581
I'm gonna meet the devil.
700
00:39:34,664 --> 00:39:36,249
I'm going to fucking hell.
701
00:39:36,332 --> 00:39:37,750
- Oh, shit.
- I'm at my lake house.
702
00:39:37,834 --> 00:39:39,586
- Goddamn it.
- The fish are jumping.
703
00:39:39,669 --> 00:39:43,423
- I'm having mac and cheese for dinner.
- Are you doing breathing exercises?
704
00:39:43,506 --> 00:39:45,550
You can't do breathing exercises
for murder, Dad.
705
00:39:45,633 --> 00:39:46,926
I killed a man.
706
00:39:47,010 --> 00:39:49,804
Well, technically, you killed several men.
707
00:39:49,888 --> 00:39:51,431
Oh, God! You're not helping!
708
00:39:51,514 --> 00:39:52,891
- Hey.
- What?
709
00:39:53,975 --> 00:39:55,101
It happens.
710
00:39:55,184 --> 00:39:57,103
I'm not gonna start smoking cigarettes.
711
00:39:57,186 --> 00:40:00,023
No, it doesn't happen.
A speeding ticket, that happens.
712
00:40:00,106 --> 00:40:02,734
Shitting your pants at Best Buy,
that happens.
713
00:40:03,526 --> 00:40:05,737
My brother Vanya was an asshole.
714
00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:09,198
Brother? Like your real brother?
715
00:40:09,282 --> 00:40:11,242
Like your mom and dad are
the same mom and dad?
716
00:40:11,326 --> 00:40:12,410
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
717
00:40:12,493 --> 00:40:14,579
- I didn't know he was your brother.
- Don't be.
718
00:40:14,662 --> 00:40:16,664
There is a power struggle in the mob.
719
00:40:16,748 --> 00:40:19,375
As oldest,
I will inherit my father's empire,
720
00:40:19,459 --> 00:40:21,419
but Vanya wants control.
721
00:40:21,502 --> 00:40:22,962
Wanted control.
722
00:40:23,838 --> 00:40:26,090
- He's dead.
- Oh, my God.
723
00:40:26,174 --> 00:40:27,800
I'm still getting used to it.
724
00:40:27,884 --> 00:40:31,596
What the fuck is happening?
Get me the fuck out of here.
725
00:40:31,679 --> 00:40:34,015
Many others also want control.
726
00:40:34,098 --> 00:40:35,975
They say I cannot run mob
because I'm woman.
727
00:40:36,059 --> 00:40:37,101
This isn't happening.
728
00:40:37,185 --> 00:40:38,019
Boss.
729
00:40:40,772 --> 00:40:41,773
Dad.
730
00:40:43,399 --> 00:40:45,735
Give me some life advice,
some words of wisdom.
731
00:40:47,445 --> 00:40:49,072
Everybody's got to die sometime.
732
00:40:49,739 --> 00:40:50,740
That's it?
733
00:40:51,366 --> 00:40:52,617
That's your advice?
734
00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:54,911
Well, what do you want me to say?
735
00:40:54,994 --> 00:40:57,497
That vulnerability is scary
and it's hard to open up?
736
00:40:57,580 --> 00:40:59,832
Yeah, Dad. That would've been great.
737
00:40:59,916 --> 00:41:01,084
Son.
738
00:41:01,167 --> 00:41:03,753
It was your mother
that was the coddler, not me.
739
00:41:10,093 --> 00:41:12,136
Jesus. We got it, Sasquatch.
740
00:41:24,399 --> 00:41:25,566
Igor. Igor.
741
00:41:26,985 --> 00:41:28,152
I'm coming. I'm coming.
742
00:41:33,032 --> 00:41:33,866
Hey.
743
00:41:37,745 --> 00:41:40,289
My brother would have shot me
if he had a chance.
744
00:41:42,458 --> 00:41:45,253
Thank you for making his death very fast.
745
00:41:46,963 --> 00:41:49,090
Well, then, can I real quick
call my daughter,
746
00:41:49,173 --> 00:41:50,967
just to make sure she's okay?
747
00:41:51,050 --> 00:41:52,010
Don't push it.
748
00:42:07,525 --> 00:42:10,611
Now, this is the kind
of Russian architecture I wanted to see.
749
00:42:10,695 --> 00:42:12,572
We're not on a sightseeing tour, Dad.
750
00:42:13,906 --> 00:42:16,117
Hey, Irina,
I think this is gonna be great.
751
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:18,995
We'll find Igor, we'll get your watch,
and then you can let us go, right?
752
00:42:19,704 --> 00:42:20,997
Holy cow.
753
00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:23,124
This place hasn't changed a bit.
754
00:42:26,169 --> 00:42:27,003
Right there.
755
00:42:27,086 --> 00:42:29,338
That's where Igor introduced me
to the train banditti.
756
00:42:30,048 --> 00:42:32,592
I cannot go on your student trip
to Moscow.
757
00:42:32,675 --> 00:42:33,551
- What?
- Yeah.
758
00:42:33,634 --> 00:42:35,762
Different mafia runs train.
759
00:42:35,845 --> 00:42:37,472
Igor, what am I supposed to do here?
760
00:42:38,514 --> 00:42:39,932
What you always do.
761
00:42:40,475 --> 00:42:41,934
This is Machine!
762
00:42:42,727 --> 00:42:46,022
If you give Machine vodka,
you have great time.
763
00:42:47,231 --> 00:42:49,358
Come on, show them your character.
764
00:42:49,442 --> 00:42:51,277
British horny man. Come on.
765
00:42:52,862 --> 00:42:55,531
Do I make you horny, baby?
766
00:42:58,034 --> 00:43:00,912
- Do I make you randy? Yeah.
- It's classic.
767
00:43:00,995 --> 00:43:03,664
You really like Austin Powers.
768
00:43:03,748 --> 00:43:06,334
Yeah. It was really big in the late '90s.
Give me a break, okay?
769
00:43:06,417 --> 00:43:07,710
I get it.
770
00:43:08,753 --> 00:43:10,379
I get why they liked you.
771
00:43:10,463 --> 00:43:11,506
Wow, thanks, Dad.
772
00:43:11,589 --> 00:43:14,926
Your toxic masculinity was lighthearted
and progressive to them.
773
00:43:15,009 --> 00:43:17,512
Yeah, well, your compliment sounds
a little bit like a slam.
774
00:43:17,595 --> 00:43:20,723
- Quiet, fucked-up father-son.
- Boss.
775
00:43:23,017 --> 00:43:24,727
This is the Moscow line.
776
00:43:25,645 --> 00:43:28,898
If Igor runs trains,
this is where he will be.
777
00:43:29,649 --> 00:43:31,359
Be careful.
778
00:43:31,442 --> 00:43:33,236
Train mob is very dangerous.
779
00:43:33,319 --> 00:43:35,071
Don't worry. Igor's my boy.
780
00:43:35,154 --> 00:43:36,656
If he's here, we're all set.
781
00:43:36,739 --> 00:43:39,158
Yes, but he knows you.
782
00:43:39,242 --> 00:43:40,535
They don't.
783
00:43:40,618 --> 00:43:43,579
They look like they're cosplaying
American History X.
784
00:43:43,663 --> 00:43:45,456
Let's go down further.
785
00:43:45,540 --> 00:43:46,833
Less eyes.
786
00:44:01,347 --> 00:44:02,348
Hello.
787
00:44:02,723 --> 00:44:05,101
You cannot park there.
788
00:44:10,022 --> 00:44:11,732
Bring me to Igor.
789
00:44:11,816 --> 00:44:13,359
Yes, sir.
790
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:18,573
Doesn't that sound mean
the train's departing?
791
00:44:18,656 --> 00:44:20,825
- Get on!
- Wait, what's the plan? What are we doing?
792
00:44:20,908 --> 00:44:23,244
We stay on train till we find Igor.
793
00:44:23,327 --> 00:44:26,247
Get the plane, meet me in Moscow
with the rest of the men.
794
00:44:27,540 --> 00:44:30,376
I cannot believe
I'm doing this Moscow trip over again.
795
00:44:30,459 --> 00:44:31,836
Move.
796
00:44:31,919 --> 00:44:34,630
This train smells exactly
like it did in '98.
797
00:44:38,801 --> 00:44:40,928
It smells like cabbage and grandmas.
798
00:44:41,012 --> 00:44:44,599
So long, Saint Petersburg! Hello, Moscow!
799
00:44:44,682 --> 00:44:45,725
Oh, sorry.
800
00:44:48,978 --> 00:44:51,647
Why does everyone here look like
they want to punch me in the face?
801
00:44:51,731 --> 00:44:53,524
It's improper to smile in Russia, Bert.
802
00:44:53,608 --> 00:44:55,067
You save it for the people you love.
803
00:44:55,902 --> 00:44:56,903
Do you?
804
00:44:57,570 --> 00:44:59,530
- Really?
- What even is that?
805
00:44:59,614 --> 00:45:02,617
So you want to stay up all night
in the bar car or...?
806
00:45:02,700 --> 00:45:06,162
I don't know how you can drink so much
and never gain any weight.
807
00:45:06,245 --> 00:45:08,122
I just have really great genes.
808
00:45:10,917 --> 00:45:13,419
Do you maybe want to hang
in my cabin instead?
809
00:45:14,378 --> 00:45:15,463
I did.
810
00:45:15,546 --> 00:45:17,340
I definitely did.
811
00:45:19,550 --> 00:45:20,968
Fucking idiot. Fuck.
812
00:45:21,761 --> 00:45:23,971
Thanks, Dad, for the dull fucking knife.
813
00:45:29,477 --> 00:45:31,520
Ash. Hey.
814
00:45:40,488 --> 00:45:41,322
Yeah.
815
00:45:41,989 --> 00:45:43,366
Fucking ow.
816
00:45:48,287 --> 00:45:49,330
Way too much.
817
00:45:51,290 --> 00:45:52,291
Yeah.
818
00:46:02,343 --> 00:46:04,095
- Hey.
- Hey, what are you doing?
819
00:46:04,762 --> 00:46:05,888
Not much.
820
00:46:05,972 --> 00:46:07,848
I don't know. It's pretty crazy in there.
821
00:46:08,557 --> 00:46:10,601
So you still want to hang out?
It's cool if not.
822
00:46:10,685 --> 00:46:13,104
You know, I'm a big fan
of romantic buildup.
823
00:46:13,187 --> 00:46:14,063
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
824
00:46:14,146 --> 00:46:16,691
Like, I don't even think Ross
and Rachel should be together yet.
825
00:46:16,774 --> 00:46:17,608
No way. Me neither.
826
00:46:17,692 --> 00:46:19,694
- Right? Save that for the millennium.
- Yeah.
827
00:46:19,777 --> 00:46:21,445
- I kind of think we should...
- You.
828
00:46:24,073 --> 00:46:25,074
Hey.
829
00:46:26,909 --> 00:46:29,036
You are one they call Machine?
830
00:46:30,913 --> 00:46:32,623
Yeah, that's me.
831
00:46:37,128 --> 00:46:39,213
Fedor was the boss of the train banditti.
832
00:46:39,297 --> 00:46:41,048
He smelled like nicotine patches
833
00:46:41,132 --> 00:46:43,843
and looked at me
the way Ted Bundy looked at coeds.
834
00:46:43,926 --> 00:46:45,803
It was horrible.
835
00:46:45,886 --> 00:46:49,140
Machine does not ride
with the peasants. Come, come.
836
00:46:51,851 --> 00:46:55,521
Ashley, I'm gonna go hang out
with these scary dudes for a little bit,
837
00:46:55,604 --> 00:46:57,898
and then [I'll be right back, okay?
I'll check back in.
838
00:46:57,982 --> 00:47:00,067
FYI, I'm a good bed sharer.
839
00:47:00,151 --> 00:47:02,278
Okay? Fun to cuddle with,
no night farts...
840
00:47:02,361 --> 00:47:05,781
You left that girl,
So you could hang out with a criminal?
841
00:47:05,865 --> 00:47:08,451
He's right. She was a sure thing.
842
00:47:08,534 --> 00:47:11,829
Yeah, well, I've never been good
with sure things.
843
00:47:11,912 --> 00:47:13,873
But Fedor took me to the bar car.
844
00:47:13,956 --> 00:47:17,668
This place had booze, drugs,
and here's the real gangster part.
845
00:47:17,752 --> 00:47:20,004
This is the Machine.
846
00:47:22,173 --> 00:47:23,382
They knew who I was.
847
00:47:24,300 --> 00:47:26,052
They like you, huh?
848
00:47:26,969 --> 00:47:29,597
I guarantee this is where we'll find Igor.
849
00:47:32,433 --> 00:47:35,102
I guess nobody parties
in the bar car anymore.
850
00:47:35,186 --> 00:47:36,812
Especially Igor.
851
00:47:38,814 --> 00:47:41,233
You know, 23-year-old me loved this place.
852
00:47:41,317 --> 00:47:43,110
Now it looks like a truck-stop bathroom.
853
00:47:43,778 --> 00:47:47,406
I think your therapist would call that
"growth people notice."
854
00:47:49,241 --> 00:47:50,242
Wait.
855
00:47:51,369 --> 00:47:52,995
Did LeeAnn tell you I was in therapy?
856
00:47:55,331 --> 00:47:56,332
Well...
857
00:47:57,249 --> 00:47:59,585
when she called to invite me to the party,
858
00:47:59,668 --> 00:48:01,754
she opened up about
what you're going through.
859
00:48:01,837 --> 00:48:05,007
After Sasha's arrest,
we were both worried you'd...
860
00:48:05,508 --> 00:48:07,009
well, you know, mess up again.
861
00:48:07,093 --> 00:48:08,886
Motherfucker!
862
00:48:08,969 --> 00:48:10,262
Does no one trust me?
863
00:48:10,346 --> 00:48:12,765
Or am I the guy
that's only gonna mess up again?
864
00:48:12,848 --> 00:48:14,600
- You're making a scene.
- A scene?
865
00:48:14,683 --> 00:48:17,561
I pay my bills by making a scene!
866
00:48:17,645 --> 00:48:20,022
I rip my shirt off and yell,
"I'm the Machine!"
867
00:48:20,106 --> 00:48:21,107
Hey!
868
00:48:22,817 --> 00:48:24,610
Who says, "I am Machine"?
869
00:48:26,237 --> 00:48:27,238
You?
870
00:48:28,155 --> 00:48:30,616
They say Machine can walk through walls.
871
00:48:31,492 --> 00:48:33,327
Only a ghost can do that.
872
00:48:34,328 --> 00:48:35,329
You...
873
00:48:36,122 --> 00:48:37,123
you are not Machine.
874
00:48:40,418 --> 00:48:41,961
You want to see the fucking Machine?
875
00:48:42,044 --> 00:48:44,046
They want to see the Machine.
You're getting the fucking Machine.
876
00:48:44,130 --> 00:48:45,047
Hey, where you going?
877
00:48:45,131 --> 00:48:47,258
First up,
I don't normally do this for free.
878
00:48:47,341 --> 00:48:49,051
Secondly, you're dressed like dickheads.
879
00:48:49,135 --> 00:48:51,053
Matching Nazi dickheads.
880
00:48:51,137 --> 00:48:53,347
And third, you say it three times
and he shows up.
881
00:48:53,431 --> 00:48:54,640
It's a lot like Candyman.
882
00:48:55,224 --> 00:48:56,767
You've already said it twice.
883
00:48:58,269 --> 00:48:59,270
That's me.
884
00:49:00,062 --> 00:49:03,399
That's me on this bottle of vodka
that says "The Machine."
885
00:49:03,482 --> 00:49:05,568
- What are you doing?
- Dad, sit down!
886
00:49:07,736 --> 00:49:09,697
I think we need to call the boss.
887
00:49:11,991 --> 00:49:13,701
- Igor.
- lgor?
888
00:49:14,076 --> 00:49:15,953
This guy says he's the Machine.
889
00:49:16,620 --> 00:49:18,372
Igor, it's your boy Bert.
890
00:49:18,456 --> 00:49:20,916
You better have my watch, bitch.
Finish it up.
891
00:49:21,625 --> 00:49:24,462
He looks like the cartoon
on the vodka bottle.
892
00:49:24,837 --> 00:49:28,215
Only fatter. Yeah, with big titties.
893
00:49:29,133 --> 00:49:33,012
Someone is with him.
Volgovitch's daughter.
894
00:49:34,513 --> 00:49:36,599
Go to VIP car.
895
00:49:41,353 --> 00:49:42,480
Igor want to see you.
896
00:49:42,563 --> 00:49:44,815
He will come to the bar car soon.
897
00:49:49,069 --> 00:49:52,990
But before that,
it would be an honor to party with you...
898
00:49:53,824 --> 00:49:54,825
Machine.
899
00:49:59,413 --> 00:50:00,706
Strasvutsia, bitches.
900
00:50:01,415 --> 00:50:02,249
Let's do it.
901
00:50:06,253 --> 00:50:08,923
You do drink like Russian.
902
00:50:11,967 --> 00:50:14,970
- Alcohol is the universal language.
- Yes.
903
00:50:15,054 --> 00:50:17,139
We're all drunk on the inside.
904
00:50:19,725 --> 00:50:23,395
So when do we meet the real Machine, huh?
905
00:50:24,563 --> 00:50:25,856
All right, listen up.
906
00:50:26,524 --> 00:50:28,359
I did it all for the nookie
907
00:50:28,442 --> 00:50:29,276
Come on
908
00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:30,402
- The nookie
- Come on
909
00:50:30,486 --> 00:50:31,820
So you can take that cookie
910
00:50:31,904 --> 00:50:34,990
And stick it up your asshole
Stick it up your asshole
911
00:50:35,074 --> 00:50:36,367
Stick it up your asshole...
912
00:50:36,450 --> 00:50:39,119
Hey! Hey, excuse me!
913
00:50:39,203 --> 00:50:41,038
Yo, teach. Hey, check it out.
914
00:50:41,121 --> 00:50:43,874
I'm culturally bonding
with the indigenous citizens.
915
00:50:43,958 --> 00:50:47,878
Get your ass back to your cabin now!
916
00:50:48,796 --> 00:50:50,422
I did it all for the nookie
917
00:50:50,506 --> 00:50:52,258
- Come on
- The nookie
918
00:50:52,341 --> 00:50:54,134
- Come on
- So you can take that cookie...
919
00:50:56,262 --> 00:50:58,389
Fuck that bitch!
920
00:50:58,472 --> 00:50:59,890
This is...
921
00:50:59,974 --> 00:51:02,268
Russia!
922
00:51:02,351 --> 00:51:05,354
Dad, you said I had to go
to Russia to find myself.
923
00:51:05,437 --> 00:51:06,480
Well, I did.
924
00:51:06,564 --> 00:51:09,275
I'm king of the world!
925
00:51:10,526 --> 00:51:12,027
That's how I felt.
926
00:51:12,111 --> 00:51:13,612
I was king of the world.
927
00:51:14,280 --> 00:51:15,155
Titanic?
928
00:51:15,239 --> 00:51:16,323
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
929
00:51:16,407 --> 00:51:18,701
I was stealing wholesale
from A-list movies,
930
00:51:18,784 --> 00:51:19,910
but it worked.
931
00:51:19,994 --> 00:51:21,537
Let me tell you something.
932
00:51:21,620 --> 00:51:25,457
Entertaining criminals
and sex workers was amazing.
933
00:51:25,541 --> 00:51:27,960
Maybe that's why I do so well
in Florida, huh?
934
00:51:28,711 --> 00:51:29,962
They don't even get it.
935
00:51:32,131 --> 00:51:34,008
Tell us more stories, Machine.
936
00:51:34,091 --> 00:51:36,051
The bar car was a blast.
937
00:51:36,135 --> 00:51:38,387
But it's also where shit got real.
938
00:51:38,470 --> 00:51:40,180
What do you want, Fedor?
939
00:51:41,724 --> 00:51:43,976
Bread. Okay, cool. Wait.
940
00:51:44,852 --> 00:51:46,645
- I knew you said "bread."
- Yes.
941
00:51:46,729 --> 00:51:48,522
I'm picking up the language.
Give me another one, come on.
942
00:51:49,815 --> 00:51:50,858
Cheese.
943
00:51:50,941 --> 00:51:52,610
I'm basically fluent.
944
00:51:56,822 --> 00:51:57,823
Money. Got it.
945
00:51:57,906 --> 00:51:59,241
Cool.
946
00:52:00,367 --> 00:52:02,453
Oh, no, are we robbing this guy?
947
00:52:03,370 --> 00:52:04,538
Yeah, I don't...
948
00:52:04,622 --> 00:52:06,498
I don't really want to rob anyone.
949
00:52:06,582 --> 00:52:08,334
Yes, you do.
950
00:52:10,336 --> 00:52:12,379
Do it. Pussy.
951
00:52:14,048 --> 00:52:17,885
First him, then train.
952
00:52:17,968 --> 00:52:19,678
So that's what we did.
953
00:52:19,762 --> 00:52:21,055
- We robbed the train.
- Yeah.
954
00:52:26,393 --> 00:52:28,270
I was terrified.
955
00:52:29,438 --> 00:52:31,106
They were practically giddy.
956
00:52:39,531 --> 00:52:40,616
Let's go.
957
00:52:41,867 --> 00:52:43,535
Fedor kept feeding me booze.
958
00:52:43,619 --> 00:52:47,247
Now you drink vodka.
959
00:52:48,791 --> 00:52:50,334
Let's go. Drink.
960
00:52:51,543 --> 00:52:52,544
That's it.
961
00:52:55,172 --> 00:52:57,716
I was completely out of control.
962
00:52:57,800 --> 00:53:00,469
I mean, the rush of it.
Turned into a thrill.
963
00:53:00,552 --> 00:53:01,595
This is my room.
964
00:53:02,346 --> 00:53:05,933
I was robbing the train
with the Russian mafia.
965
00:53:06,016 --> 00:53:07,559
And I wasn't dying.
966
00:53:07,643 --> 00:53:10,437
That's all my-- That's all my stuff.
967
00:53:10,521 --> 00:53:12,773
Wait, wait, wait.
You're actually taking my stuff?
968
00:53:13,565 --> 00:53:16,985
Oh, no, no, no, no. That's my dad's knife.
969
00:53:17,069 --> 00:53:18,487
You can't take that.
970
00:53:18,570 --> 00:53:19,947
No, no, no.
971
00:53:20,030 --> 00:53:22,908
You can take the other stuff.
But the knife?
972
00:53:23,450 --> 00:53:25,035
- That's my dad's.
- Really?
973
00:53:25,119 --> 00:53:26,453
No go.
974
00:53:26,537 --> 00:53:28,580
I can't take, huh?
975
00:53:29,581 --> 00:53:30,958
I'm sorry, Dad.
976
00:53:32,084 --> 00:53:33,252
I let him steal it.
977
00:53:33,752 --> 00:53:34,670
It's all yours.
978
00:53:39,550 --> 00:53:41,260
Machine.
979
00:53:43,429 --> 00:53:45,097
I would've cut out his heart
980
00:53:45,180 --> 00:53:48,058
and make him watch it stop beating
with his last breath.
981
00:53:49,601 --> 00:53:51,603
I guess we're just built different.
982
00:53:51,687 --> 00:53:52,688
The watch.
983
00:53:54,273 --> 00:53:55,899
Once I got really drunk...
984
00:53:57,901 --> 00:53:59,278
I robbed my class.
985
00:54:00,404 --> 00:54:01,864
I robbed my whole class.
986
00:54:02,698 --> 00:54:04,366
What the hell? Get out.
987
00:54:06,702 --> 00:54:09,455
Fuck that bitch. This is Russia.
988
00:54:14,251 --> 00:54:15,377
Ash.
989
00:54:15,461 --> 00:54:16,503
I'm...
990
00:54:17,463 --> 00:54:19,882
Woman hit man?
991
00:54:19,965 --> 00:54:21,592
That is new.
992
00:54:22,176 --> 00:54:25,971
I felt like a complete
and total piece of shit.
993
00:54:26,889 --> 00:54:30,267
Give it. Fast, fast. Give me ring.
994
00:54:30,976 --> 00:54:31,977
Let's go.
995
00:54:35,856 --> 00:54:38,192
- Okay?
- That's it.
996
00:54:38,275 --> 00:54:39,568
- Good boy.
- Okay.
997
00:54:44,490 --> 00:54:45,824
I'll get it back.
998
00:54:46,325 --> 00:54:47,493
I promise.
999
00:54:49,161 --> 00:54:50,204
I'm sorry, Ash.
1000
00:54:50,746 --> 00:54:51,663
Yeah, fuck you.
1001
00:54:54,374 --> 00:54:56,251
Machine is the man.
1002
00:54:56,335 --> 00:54:57,753
Hey. Machine.
1003
00:54:58,462 --> 00:55:00,339
Igor need us in front of train.
1004
00:55:00,422 --> 00:55:02,341
You wait here. We come back with him.
1005
00:55:02,424 --> 00:55:03,509
Machine!
1006
00:55:04,343 --> 00:55:07,638
Enough of this pussy shit!
1007
00:55:08,430 --> 00:55:10,766
Do you talk about that part with...?
1008
00:55:11,809 --> 00:55:13,811
With Ashley when you do your show?
1009
00:55:13,894 --> 00:55:15,229
Obviously not, Dad.
1010
00:55:18,482 --> 00:55:20,317
But I think about it sometimes.
1011
00:55:20,901 --> 00:55:23,904
I think I liked that story better
when I thought it was a lie.
1012
00:55:29,576 --> 00:55:33,121
And then what? Story of you being
stupid idiot asshole is sad,
1013
00:55:33,205 --> 00:55:36,542
but you need to remember my watch.
1014
00:55:48,846 --> 00:55:50,055
I remember.
1015
00:55:50,556 --> 00:55:52,808
There was one last private cabin.
1016
00:55:57,145 --> 00:55:57,980
Please don't.
1017
00:55:58,772 --> 00:56:01,483
It's a family heirloom.
1018
00:56:01,567 --> 00:56:03,694
Fuck your heirloom.
1019
00:56:04,444 --> 00:56:05,445
Do it.
1020
00:56:07,990 --> 00:56:08,991
Sorry.
1021
00:56:37,853 --> 00:56:39,563
That was the watch.
1022
00:56:42,649 --> 00:56:44,443
My father was no criminal.
1023
00:56:46,236 --> 00:56:47,696
He was a salesman.
1024
00:56:49,239 --> 00:56:52,826
And then you stole
the only thing he ever cared about.
1025
00:56:53,702 --> 00:56:56,246
He called police,
but no one would help him.
1026
00:56:56,955 --> 00:56:59,374
It made him say, "Fuck honest living!
1027
00:56:59,458 --> 00:57:02,294
If you want respect, you have to take it."
1028
00:57:03,378 --> 00:57:06,965
And from there, he built our family.
1029
00:57:11,136 --> 00:57:12,304
Oh, my God.
1030
00:57:13,597 --> 00:57:15,557
I'm your origin story.
1031
00:57:16,224 --> 00:57:18,018
Most people see themselves as Batman...
1032
00:57:19,561 --> 00:57:21,647
not the guy who killed Batman's parents.
1033
00:57:21,730 --> 00:57:24,274
What did you do
with the watch after that?
1034
00:57:24,358 --> 00:57:26,401
We went back to the bar car.
1035
00:57:26,485 --> 00:57:28,820
Fedor went through all the stuff
that we stole.
1036
00:57:37,120 --> 00:57:39,831
I hate this song.
1037
00:57:42,376 --> 00:57:44,461
Listen, in Russia,
1038
00:57:45,379 --> 00:57:49,466
we always give gifts to a new friend.
1039
00:57:50,092 --> 00:57:51,343
Take, Machine.
1040
00:57:53,261 --> 00:57:54,930
He gave you the watch?
1041
00:57:56,098 --> 00:57:59,017
- Where is it, Bert? I need to know.
- I don't know.
1042
00:57:59,101 --> 00:58:00,060
Machine.
1043
00:58:01,395 --> 00:58:03,021
Igor is here.
1044
00:58:05,023 --> 00:58:09,236
Igor, I present to you the Machine.
1045
00:58:14,574 --> 00:58:17,202
Your friend has aged even worse than you.
1046
00:58:18,412 --> 00:58:20,539
My men say:
1047
00:58:21,164 --> 00:58:25,627
"Come to meet famous Machine
from a vodka bottle."
1048
00:58:25,711 --> 00:58:27,379
I say, "Why not?
1049
00:58:27,462 --> 00:58:28,922
You can take selfie."
1050
00:58:30,257 --> 00:58:32,050
But you're not famous.
1051
00:58:34,553 --> 00:58:36,263
You have tits.
1052
00:58:37,305 --> 00:58:38,849
Yeah, we've established that.
1053
00:58:38,932 --> 00:58:41,309
I don't know this guy. This isn't Igor.
1054
00:58:41,393 --> 00:58:42,602
Who are you?
1055
00:58:42,686 --> 00:58:45,439
I knew old Igor. My name is also Igor.
1056
00:58:46,231 --> 00:58:48,984
I took train from him, make him disappear.
1057
00:58:50,235 --> 00:58:51,403
My train now.
1058
00:58:52,029 --> 00:58:53,613
Wait, Igor's dead?
1059
00:58:54,156 --> 00:58:54,990
Yeah.
1060
00:58:55,490 --> 00:58:57,826
- And you're gonna die also.
- Enough.
1061
00:58:59,327 --> 00:59:01,872
I'm Irina lvanona Volgina.
1062
00:59:02,581 --> 00:59:04,374
You know who my father is.
1063
00:59:05,000 --> 00:59:07,919
These two dipshits belong to me.
1064
00:59:08,003 --> 00:59:11,798
Now go, if you want to live
to see your children again.
1065
00:59:13,550 --> 00:59:14,676
Stupid bitch.
1066
00:59:15,510 --> 00:59:17,262
You think I didn't ask for permission?
1067
00:59:17,929 --> 00:59:19,139
Permission?
1068
00:59:26,980 --> 00:59:28,398
All right!
1069
00:59:29,399 --> 00:59:30,734
Listen up.
1070
00:59:31,359 --> 00:59:33,320
- Never show fear, right?
- Yeah.
1071
00:59:33,403 --> 00:59:34,237
Now, look.
1072
00:59:34,780 --> 00:59:36,490
Wait, that's the knife you gave me.
1073
00:59:36,573 --> 00:59:38,950
No. I gave you one just like it.
1074
00:59:39,034 --> 00:59:40,744
I knew you couldn't be trusted
with the original.
1075
00:59:40,827 --> 00:59:42,788
- I'm not an idiot.
- Oh, my God.
1076
00:59:42,871 --> 00:59:44,831
You heard me pining about that knife.
1077
00:59:44,915 --> 00:59:47,793
You knew I felt guilty for losing it
for like 25 years!
1078
00:59:47,876 --> 00:59:48,960
That's enough.
1079
00:59:49,544 --> 00:59:51,171
Dad, stab this bald fucker.
1080
00:59:51,254 --> 00:59:52,547
I'm sorry, son.
1081
00:59:53,131 --> 00:59:54,466
- But...
- I can't breathe.
1082
00:59:54,549 --> 00:59:58,845
...I swore I would never use
a weapon for violence.
1083
01:00:08,730 --> 01:00:09,564
Hello.
1084
01:00:14,653 --> 01:00:15,779
Oh, my God.
1085
01:00:16,571 --> 01:00:17,948
She cut his throat, Dad.
1086
01:00:18,031 --> 01:00:19,950
Oh, no, don't touch it. It's bad.
1087
01:00:20,033 --> 01:00:21,535
Oh, why is he touching it?
1088
01:00:21,618 --> 01:00:23,703
Oh, no. Why are you smiling?
1089
01:00:24,621 --> 01:00:26,039
Stop. Stop right there. Stop.
1090
01:00:26,123 --> 01:00:28,458
What am I supposed to do, Dad?
What am I supposed to do?
1091
01:00:28,542 --> 01:00:29,543
Hit him, son.
1092
01:00:34,214 --> 01:00:35,841
Oh, my God, Dad, I'm inside him!
1093
01:00:35,924 --> 01:00:37,134
Oh, my God!
1094
01:00:39,719 --> 01:00:42,347
Let go of my arm! I'll try to get it out!
1095
01:00:42,430 --> 01:00:44,057
He's so warm!
1096
01:00:44,141 --> 01:00:46,601
No, no, no, no, no! God!
1097
01:00:51,273 --> 01:00:53,400
God! Help me let go!
1098
01:00:53,483 --> 01:00:55,235
God! You're, like, fisting his neck.
1099
01:00:55,318 --> 01:00:56,444
Help me!
1100
01:00:56,528 --> 01:00:58,280
Son of a bitch! God!
1101
01:00:58,363 --> 01:01:00,907
It's like a pickle jar.
Just let go of the pickle.
1102
01:01:00,991 --> 01:01:03,743
Damn it, Dad.
It's nothing like a pickle jar!
1103
01:01:03,827 --> 01:01:04,828
Oh, shit!
1104
01:01:04,911 --> 01:01:06,538
Incoming!
1105
01:01:06,621 --> 01:01:09,082
Pull, pull, pull, pull,
pull, pull, pull, pull!
1106
01:01:14,796 --> 01:01:15,797
Oh, my God!
1107
01:01:15,881 --> 01:01:17,632
Get it off! Get it off mel!
1108
01:01:17,716 --> 01:01:19,009
Get it off me!
1109
01:01:19,092 --> 01:01:20,886
No, not that way! The other way!
1110
01:01:24,639 --> 01:01:28,059
Hey, were you saying "pull" or "pole"?
1111
01:01:28,143 --> 01:01:30,562
Does it really fucking matter, Dad?!
1112
01:01:31,229 --> 01:01:33,231
Why did he say
he had permission to kill us?
1113
01:01:35,025 --> 01:01:37,277
I know where we can find out.
1114
01:01:41,114 --> 01:01:43,867
Hello. Can I have your attention, please?
1115
01:01:44,451 --> 01:01:48,038
We're here looking
for whoever sent that large, bald man
1116
01:01:48,121 --> 01:01:50,040
to kill me and my son.
1117
01:01:50,123 --> 01:01:51,333
Dad. Hey, Dad.
1118
01:01:52,000 --> 01:01:52,834
Dad.
1119
01:01:52,918 --> 01:01:54,794
Maybe ease up on the Russian mafia, okay?
1120
01:02:03,970 --> 01:02:07,098
- Alexei.
- It is so nice to see you, sister.
1121
01:02:07,182 --> 01:02:08,892
You have another brother?
1122
01:02:10,227 --> 01:02:12,229
Three of us. Now two.
1123
01:02:12,312 --> 01:02:13,897
But thank you for killing him.
1124
01:02:14,898 --> 01:02:16,733
He was pain in ass.
1125
01:02:18,026 --> 01:02:19,486
And very stupid.
1126
01:02:20,904 --> 01:02:22,781
You have the meanest family of all time.
1127
01:02:22,864 --> 01:02:25,575
Kind of you to say, Machine.
1128
01:02:26,284 --> 01:02:29,496
I can't agree with your methods
or your business model,
1129
01:02:29,579 --> 01:02:31,831
but it warms my heart to see a son
1130
01:02:31,915 --> 01:02:34,459
willing to take on his father's legacy.
1131
01:02:34,542 --> 01:02:37,462
Albert, Machine's father.
1132
01:02:39,631 --> 01:02:40,882
Oh, sister.
1133
01:02:40,966 --> 01:02:43,760
I intend to bring our father
the watch Machine stole.
1134
01:02:43,843 --> 01:02:45,095
It is over.
1135
01:02:46,179 --> 01:02:47,347
Give me Machine.
1136
01:02:47,430 --> 01:02:49,307
Machine leads me to watch.
1137
01:02:49,391 --> 01:02:50,767
I win.
1138
01:02:50,850 --> 01:02:52,811
All right. You win.
1139
01:02:52,894 --> 01:02:54,187
You get the watch.
1140
01:02:56,022 --> 01:02:57,232
It is here?
1141
01:02:57,315 --> 01:02:59,067
Oh, yeah. lt is here.
1142
01:03:00,277 --> 01:03:01,152
In this room.
1143
01:03:02,988 --> 01:03:05,865
We don't have it. We came to collect it.
1144
01:03:09,035 --> 01:03:09,911
From him.
1145
01:03:10,453 --> 01:03:11,579
Keyser Soze.
1146
01:03:12,831 --> 01:03:14,416
Keyser So6ze?
1147
01:03:14,499 --> 01:03:17,127
Yeah, he has it. Go ahead, give it to him.
1148
01:03:17,210 --> 01:03:19,170
Who the fuck is Keyser Sze?
1149
01:03:19,671 --> 01:03:21,214
Yep, it's his now.
1150
01:03:21,298 --> 01:03:22,424
I'm out of the equation.
1151
01:03:33,268 --> 01:03:34,519
Where are we going?
1152
01:03:34,602 --> 01:03:35,937
You're gonna get us all killed!
1153
01:03:36,021 --> 01:03:37,272
Shut up and run.
1154
01:03:39,274 --> 01:03:40,317
There we go.
1155
01:03:51,453 --> 01:03:52,454
Fuck!
1156
01:03:56,958 --> 01:03:58,668
You make me chase you.
1157
01:04:01,588 --> 01:04:02,797
Not nice.
1158
01:04:05,050 --> 01:04:07,010
You think you're so cool.
1159
01:04:07,802 --> 01:04:11,056
Sister, do you really think
you'd take over family?
1160
01:04:13,308 --> 01:04:14,309
Why?
1161
01:04:15,769 --> 01:04:17,604
I'm strong. I'm smart.
1162
01:04:17,687 --> 01:04:19,564
Please. You are a woman.
1163
01:04:21,733 --> 01:04:23,318
The world is changing.
1164
01:04:24,152 --> 01:04:25,653
Even for our family.
1165
01:04:25,737 --> 01:04:29,491
Father and I,
we laugh about your delusions.
1166
01:04:32,702 --> 01:04:35,997
You and Father always underestimate me.
1167
01:04:37,707 --> 01:04:38,792
But you know what?
1168
01:04:40,460 --> 01:04:42,712
I deserve to be treated as an equal.
1169
01:04:43,671 --> 01:04:44,672
Agreed.
1170
01:05:03,942 --> 01:05:05,360
- Hey.
- Jesus.
1171
01:05:05,443 --> 01:05:07,237
I like this feminism thing.
1172
01:05:08,405 --> 01:05:11,741
And if you don't want me
to kill your father next,
1173
01:05:12,283 --> 01:05:14,119
you will take me to the watch.
1174
01:05:14,202 --> 01:05:17,163
All right. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
I'm gonna do whatever you want.
1175
01:05:17,247 --> 01:05:19,374
Don't hurt my father, okay?
Give me a second.
1176
01:05:19,457 --> 01:05:21,418
Dad. Dad, Dad, Dad.
Listen to me. Listen to me.
1177
01:05:21,501 --> 01:05:22,836
We're gonna be fine.
We're gonna be a team.
1178
01:05:22,919 --> 01:05:24,379
Dad, listen to me right now, okay?
1179
01:05:24,462 --> 01:05:26,965
Butch Cassidy and Sundance.
End of the movie, Dad.
1180
01:05:27,048 --> 01:05:29,509
- Waterfall. We're gonna waterfall.
- Enough.
1181
01:05:31,970 --> 01:05:34,055
This is for your own good.
1182
01:05:40,979 --> 01:05:45,066
Dad!
1183
01:05:55,952 --> 01:05:59,038
My son is a moron.
You were wasting your time.
1184
01:05:59,122 --> 01:06:00,665
I'll help find your watch.
1185
01:06:01,291 --> 01:06:05,336
But only if you promise
to keep my granddaughter safe.
1186
01:06:11,634 --> 01:06:14,471
You are a very good father.
1187
01:06:26,399 --> 01:06:27,734
A cop pulled us over.
1188
01:06:27,817 --> 01:06:29,360
Dad, there's a cop.
1189
01:06:29,444 --> 01:06:32,363
Officer, no,
I don't have a driver's license.
1190
01:06:32,447 --> 01:06:34,449
My dad's in the backseat.
1191
01:06:34,532 --> 01:06:37,118
Dad, stop. Shit, Dad.
1192
01:06:37,202 --> 01:06:38,286
Dad, wake up.
1193
01:06:43,583 --> 01:06:45,126
Oh, God.
1194
01:06:50,048 --> 01:06:51,382
Oh, shit.
1195
01:06:54,928 --> 01:06:57,013
Son of a bitch.
1196
01:07:06,356 --> 01:07:08,942
Hello?
1197
01:07:09,025 --> 01:07:10,193
Fucking Dad.
1198
01:07:11,444 --> 01:07:12,445
I'm tired.
1199
01:07:13,655 --> 01:07:16,324
I'm sore. I'm hungry.
1200
01:07:17,200 --> 01:07:18,201
I'm hungry.
1201
01:07:24,958 --> 01:07:26,209
Thank you, Ash.
1202
01:07:50,858 --> 01:07:51,943
Wait.
1203
01:07:52,777 --> 01:07:53,611
Hey.
1204
01:07:53,695 --> 01:07:54,946
Is my daughter okay?
1205
01:07:55,572 --> 01:07:56,406
No.
1206
01:07:58,950 --> 01:08:01,244
My son is a moron.
1207
01:08:03,288 --> 01:08:04,914
Hey, what's up, sleepyhead?
1208
01:08:05,456 --> 01:08:07,875
- What's this thing?
- It's a mace.
1209
01:08:08,626 --> 01:08:09,919
The fuck are you doing here?
1210
01:08:10,003 --> 01:08:12,171
Oh, I'm not here. You're just really high.
1211
01:08:15,174 --> 01:08:16,634
I am really high.
1212
01:08:21,264 --> 01:08:23,725
God, I came to Russia to become a man.
1213
01:08:23,808 --> 01:08:25,810
All I became was an asshole criminal.
1214
01:08:25,893 --> 01:08:28,896
Yeah. You're gonna hang on to that
for a while.
1215
01:08:28,980 --> 01:08:31,107
A lot of it,
all the shit that happened on the train.
1216
01:08:31,733 --> 01:08:34,777
But, hey, that shirtless idiot thing?
1217
01:08:35,862 --> 01:08:37,238
It pays off bigtime.
1218
01:08:37,322 --> 01:08:38,406
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
1219
01:08:38,489 --> 01:08:40,116
- Yeah?
- Oh, dude.
1220
01:08:40,199 --> 01:08:43,244
This trip to Russia sets you on a path.
1221
01:08:43,828 --> 01:08:45,955
You, my friend, are great
at making people laugh.
1222
01:08:46,039 --> 01:08:47,081
Thanks, man.
1223
01:08:48,666 --> 01:08:50,585
- l am gonna be okay.
- Yeah.
1224
01:08:51,252 --> 01:08:54,088
And then your wife's
gonna put you in therapy.
1225
01:08:54,172 --> 01:08:55,882
- We're married?
- Oh, yeah.
1226
01:08:55,965 --> 01:08:57,258
Is she hot?
1227
01:08:57,342 --> 01:08:58,968
- I mean, yeah.
- Wait, what do you mean?
1228
01:08:59,052 --> 01:09:02,221
I mean, I think she's hot.
I think she's hot. I mean, she's 50.
1229
01:09:04,641 --> 01:09:06,684
You married a 50-year-old?
1230
01:09:07,268 --> 01:09:09,896
Dude, what the fuck?
I thought you said we were gonna be okay.
1231
01:09:09,979 --> 01:09:11,397
No, I forgot how dumb I am.
1232
01:09:11,481 --> 01:09:12,815
We married her when she was 30.
1233
01:09:12,899 --> 01:09:15,610
She was-- She still is a smoke show.
She's hot as shit, okay?
1234
01:09:15,693 --> 01:09:17,904
- Okay.
- Don't make me defend our wife.
1235
01:09:18,488 --> 01:09:19,572
She's a great mom.
1236
01:09:20,782 --> 01:09:21,616
We got kids?
1237
01:09:21,699 --> 01:09:22,700
- Yeah.
- Boys?
1238
01:09:22,784 --> 01:09:24,369
Ah, I knew we'd have boys.
1239
01:09:24,452 --> 01:09:25,787
I always wanted to have boys.
1240
01:09:25,870 --> 01:09:27,205
Look at us.
1241
01:09:27,288 --> 01:09:30,875
Both of us just figuring ourselves out.
1242
01:09:32,710 --> 01:09:34,170
Well, I am.
1243
01:09:34,796 --> 01:09:36,339
You're still pretty lost.
1244
01:09:36,422 --> 01:09:39,050
I mean, you're literally lost in a forest.
1245
01:09:39,133 --> 01:09:40,468
High on a pot brownie.
1246
01:09:40,551 --> 01:09:43,012
‘Cause your dad kicked you off a train.
1247
01:09:43,096 --> 01:09:44,347
Because he hates you.
1248
01:09:44,430 --> 01:09:47,558
Because you can't save your own daughter,
who hates you.
1249
01:09:47,642 --> 01:09:50,645
Now your wife's gonna hate you.
Your whole family pretty much hates you.
1250
01:09:50,728 --> 01:09:51,979
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
1251
01:09:52,063 --> 01:09:54,399
I know this. I know this.
Why are you doing this to me?
1252
01:09:54,482 --> 01:09:57,068
‘Cause I'm trying to save you.
You're about to get shot.
1253
01:09:58,611 --> 01:09:59,445
How so?
1254
01:09:59,529 --> 01:10:02,949
You're about to get shot.
1255
01:10:03,032 --> 01:10:05,034
Meaning what?
1256
01:10:05,118 --> 01:10:06,786
You're under fire.
1257
01:10:20,383 --> 01:10:21,843
Fuck! God!
1258
01:10:22,677 --> 01:10:23,845
Oh, my God!
1259
01:10:25,263 --> 01:10:26,264
Fuck.
1260
01:10:45,616 --> 01:10:46,701
Bert?
1261
01:10:47,535 --> 01:10:48,536
Igor?
1262
01:10:52,707 --> 01:10:54,751
- Bert.
- Igor!
1263
01:10:55,668 --> 01:10:57,587
- Machinal
- Igor!
1264
01:10:57,670 --> 01:11:00,506
You look like a big bear. I mean, what?
1265
01:11:02,049 --> 01:11:04,802
- God.
- My friend, you are here.
1266
01:11:04,886 --> 01:11:08,431
I can't believe you're alive.
Oh, shit. It's good to see you.
1267
01:11:12,810 --> 01:11:14,187
Do you have any snacks?
1268
01:11:17,732 --> 01:11:19,817
This is my home.
1269
01:11:19,901 --> 01:11:20,985
For years now.
1270
01:11:21,068 --> 01:11:23,946
- Nice. It's kind of like West Virginia.
- Yeah. West Vagina.
1271
01:11:24,030 --> 01:11:26,991
Igor! Deuces.
1272
01:11:27,074 --> 01:11:28,618
That's uncircumcised.
1273
01:11:31,245 --> 01:11:32,830
- You almost hit that guy, Igor.
- Yeah.
1274
01:11:34,415 --> 01:11:35,750
It's a tradition here.
1275
01:11:36,375 --> 01:11:37,668
Ah, look at this.
1276
01:11:38,294 --> 01:11:39,420
This is it.
1277
01:11:40,421 --> 01:11:41,589
- This is your house?
- Yeah.
1278
01:11:47,136 --> 01:11:48,679
Holy shit.
1279
01:11:50,640 --> 01:11:51,766
Wait, are these all your kids?
1280
01:11:51,849 --> 01:11:54,519
Yeah, this is most of my kids.
1281
01:11:54,602 --> 01:11:55,686
Oh, my God.
1282
01:11:58,523 --> 01:12:00,233
Jesus, you know you can pull out, right?
1283
01:12:00,316 --> 01:12:03,319
Yes, but my dick is little bit longer,
so I'm like:
1284
01:12:03,402 --> 01:12:05,571
- Oh, like a magician.
- Magician!
1285
01:12:05,655 --> 01:12:07,406
- With the scarves!
- Yeah.
1286
01:12:07,490 --> 01:12:08,866
- Hey.
- I missed you.
1287
01:12:13,704 --> 01:12:14,664
...Machina!
1288
01:12:14,747 --> 01:12:16,624
Hey! Yeah!
1289
01:12:16,707 --> 01:12:18,209
- Oh, Machina!
- Yeah!
1290
01:12:27,093 --> 01:12:27,927
Igor.
1291
01:12:28,010 --> 01:12:29,470
Igor, Igor.
1292
01:12:32,765 --> 01:12:35,893
My wife, she's a big fan of you, Machine.
1293
01:12:36,352 --> 01:12:37,436
Many in village are.
1294
01:12:37,520 --> 01:12:39,188
They listen to your podcast.
1295
01:12:39,272 --> 01:12:41,107
Why no new episodes?
1296
01:12:41,190 --> 01:12:43,025
Igor, have you killed the bear?
1297
01:12:43,359 --> 01:12:46,529
Not yet. But this is better!
1298
01:12:46,612 --> 01:12:48,531
I find friend, Machine. Real one!
1299
01:12:49,615 --> 01:12:52,743
Blessed day for our village!
1300
01:12:52,827 --> 01:12:58,040
First you find Machine,
then I find whore!
1301
01:12:58,124 --> 01:12:59,917
- She find whore.
- What?
1302
01:13:09,260 --> 01:13:12,138
Holy shit! Irina! You're alive!
1303
01:13:12,221 --> 01:13:14,307
How the fuck are you still alive?
1304
01:13:14,390 --> 01:13:16,726
Goddamn it. Oh, my God!
1305
01:13:17,268 --> 01:13:19,228
Would you like to buy her for the fucking?
1306
01:13:19,312 --> 01:13:20,855
I don't know.
1307
01:13:20,938 --> 01:13:22,940
What do you think? How much?
1308
01:13:23,024 --> 01:13:24,692
More than you have.
1309
01:13:25,401 --> 01:13:26,694
I don't know, maybe--
1310
01:13:26,777 --> 01:13:28,905
Oh, my God! What happened to your leg?
1311
01:13:28,988 --> 01:13:30,197
Oh, that looks bad.
1312
01:13:30,281 --> 01:13:32,366
Here, tell me if you feel this.
1313
01:13:33,576 --> 01:13:35,703
Igor! Help! I know this whore!
1314
01:13:35,786 --> 01:13:37,079
Let's get her in your house!
1315
01:13:37,163 --> 01:13:40,291
- Here.
- Igor, do you have any hydrogen peroxide?
1316
01:13:40,374 --> 01:13:43,127
No, but we have many kind of animal spit.
1317
01:13:43,210 --> 01:13:44,712
- Okay, well, here you go.
- Fuck!
1318
01:13:44,795 --> 01:13:46,797
Okay, you're fine. No, no, no. We're good.
1319
01:13:46,881 --> 01:13:49,175
- Fuck!
- Just get me something to dress it with.
1320
01:13:49,884 --> 01:13:51,844
I gotta get this boot off.
1321
01:13:52,511 --> 01:13:55,056
- Okay. Okay, here we go.
- Okay. Wait, wait, be careful.
1322
01:13:56,891 --> 01:13:57,892
All right.
1323
01:13:59,060 --> 01:14:00,937
Oh, it's pretty bad. Okay.
1324
01:14:02,772 --> 01:14:04,982
- Oh, is it bad?
- It's not that bad.
1325
01:14:05,066 --> 01:14:07,026
- Is it that bad? Oh, fuck!
- It's not that bad.
1326
01:14:07,109 --> 01:14:08,152
I just can't look at it.
1327
01:14:09,236 --> 01:14:10,446
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
1328
01:14:10,529 --> 01:14:12,198
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Fuck!
1329
01:14:12,281 --> 01:14:13,741
It's fine. It's fine.
1330
01:14:14,367 --> 01:14:16,243
Did you just put it in your pocket?
1331
01:14:16,327 --> 01:14:17,662
I didn't know where to put it.
1332
01:14:17,745 --> 01:14:20,414
Oh, I'm gonna be sick now. Oh, fuck!
1333
01:14:20,498 --> 01:14:22,875
Don't you throw up.
If you throw up, I'm gonna throw up.
1334
01:14:22,959 --> 01:14:25,252
Don't throw up. Don't throw up.
Please don't throw up.
1335
01:14:25,336 --> 01:14:28,756
- l won't throw up. You don't throw up.
- I won't throw up, if you don't throw up.
1336
01:14:28,839 --> 01:14:30,466
- I'll trust you. Okay.
- Deal.
1337
01:14:30,549 --> 01:14:32,468
Oh, God. Okay.
1338
01:14:33,886 --> 01:14:36,472
- Just do something about it!
- I don't think I can do this.
1339
01:14:37,181 --> 01:14:38,516
Give me a pep talk.
1340
01:14:38,599 --> 01:14:41,268
- Just pull it out. You can do it.
- Okay.
1341
01:14:41,352 --> 01:14:43,688
- I can do it?
- You can do it. Just pull it out. Okay?
1342
01:14:43,771 --> 01:14:45,481
- One, two...
- Three, two...
1343
01:14:45,564 --> 01:14:46,440
No, wait. No, wait.
1344
01:14:46,524 --> 01:14:49,235
- Three! Two! One!
- Three! Two! One!
1345
01:14:54,824 --> 01:14:56,409
I did it! I did it!
1346
01:14:57,243 --> 01:14:58,786
You're not gonna...
1347
01:15:07,086 --> 01:15:09,255
So anyway, I shoot the dude,
1348
01:15:09,338 --> 01:15:11,841
he shoots another dude,
dude shoots another dude.
1349
01:15:11,924 --> 01:15:15,011
Three dudes, one--
Four-- Three-- Three bullets.
1350
01:15:15,094 --> 01:15:17,596
It was top ten all-time kills for me.
Hell, yeah!
1351
01:15:17,680 --> 01:15:19,515
Yeah. Oh, is this...?
1352
01:15:19,598 --> 01:15:22,435
- Are we high-fiving a murder?
- Yeah.
1353
01:15:22,518 --> 01:15:24,729
Hey, where is your father now?
1354
01:15:24,812 --> 01:15:26,897
Who the fuck knows?
1355
01:15:26,981 --> 01:15:29,775
Let me tell you something.
If he is alive, I'm fucking killing him.
1356
01:15:31,444 --> 01:15:33,404
Hey, Igor, what brought you here?
1357
01:15:33,487 --> 01:15:35,406
Hey, thanks to you, Bert.
1358
01:15:35,489 --> 01:15:37,074
- Me?
- Yeah.
1359
01:15:37,158 --> 01:15:38,159
What?
1360
01:15:38,242 --> 01:15:41,620
When I saw how you find joy
in every moment,
1361
01:15:41,704 --> 01:15:45,166
it make me think, "Mafia is dangerous."
1362
01:15:46,417 --> 01:15:47,793
Not easy life.
1363
01:15:47,877 --> 01:15:52,381
And one day,
as I strangle man for not paying me for...
1364
01:15:53,966 --> 01:15:54,884
whatever,
1365
01:15:54,967 --> 01:15:57,595
- I remembered something you say.
- What?
1366
01:15:57,678 --> 01:16:01,557
You told me most important thing in life,
1367
01:16:01,640 --> 01:16:03,601
it is to find your smile.
1368
01:16:07,188 --> 01:16:08,189
Igor.
1369
01:16:08,272 --> 01:16:10,483
I stole that from City Slickers.
1370
01:16:11,025 --> 01:16:13,903
Billy Crystal? 1980s? Cowboys? Nothing?
1371
01:16:13,986 --> 01:16:16,280
His whole deal is stealing shit.
1372
01:16:16,363 --> 01:16:18,616
Back then, Irina. Okay?
1373
01:16:18,699 --> 01:16:21,577
Hey, I just left. It was my choice.
1374
01:16:21,660 --> 01:16:22,995
My smile.
1375
01:16:23,079 --> 01:16:25,372
Mafia was not my smile.
1376
01:16:25,456 --> 01:16:28,167
This was. Children, family, Sonia.
1377
01:16:28,667 --> 01:16:32,213
In mafia, I would have died.
1378
01:16:32,296 --> 01:16:34,924
But I have this, thanks to you, Bert.
1379
01:16:35,007 --> 01:16:36,675
You saved my life.
1380
01:16:40,513 --> 01:16:41,806
Good for you, Igor.
1381
01:16:42,640 --> 01:16:44,517
Hey, at least
I didn't ruin his life, right?
1382
01:16:49,480 --> 01:16:50,481
Bert?
1383
01:16:56,028 --> 01:16:57,071
Bert?
1384
01:17:01,033 --> 01:17:03,369
Hey. Are you asleep?
1385
01:17:04,120 --> 01:17:05,121
Yeah.
1386
01:17:05,663 --> 01:17:08,541
What is this thing you did
that made your daughter hate you?
1387
01:17:14,004 --> 01:17:15,005
All right.
1388
01:17:17,383 --> 01:17:21,095
So me and my big, fat friend Tom,
we're doing a podcast,
1389
01:17:21,679 --> 01:17:24,390
and we get accidentally very fucked up.
1390
01:17:25,766 --> 01:17:27,977
- That's not so bad.
- Wait for it.
1391
01:17:28,060 --> 01:17:30,688
So Sasha's 15, right?
She's got her learner's permit.
1392
01:17:31,313 --> 01:17:33,607
I'm like, "Hey, come out to me.
1393
01:17:34,358 --> 01:17:37,153
Get my car, drive me home."
Right? Bam, bam.
1394
01:17:38,696 --> 01:17:41,574
You asked your teenage daughter
to drive you home drunk?
1395
01:17:41,657 --> 01:17:43,659
It gets worse, okay?
1396
01:17:43,742 --> 01:17:45,119
She rolls a stop sign.
1397
01:17:45,744 --> 01:17:47,079
Cop pulls her over.
1398
01:17:49,540 --> 01:17:53,544
Turns out, having a parent in the car
doesn't count if the parent's trashed.
1399
01:17:55,880 --> 01:17:59,717
She can't get her license for two years.
I got a misdemeanor. It was awful.
1400
01:17:59,800 --> 01:18:02,261
Well, if that's everything,
that's not so bad.
1401
01:18:02,970 --> 01:18:06,307
I wish that was the worst thing
my father ever did to me.
1402
01:18:06,390 --> 01:18:08,350
It almost sounds nice.
1403
01:18:10,561 --> 01:18:13,314
Four minutes before I passed out,
I started a livestream.
1404
01:18:14,231 --> 01:18:16,400
And I livestreamed the entire event.
1405
01:18:17,193 --> 01:18:18,819
It immediately went viral.
1406
01:18:19,987 --> 01:18:21,947
Next weekend was Father's Day.
1407
01:18:23,908 --> 01:18:25,326
She was so mad.
1408
01:18:27,411 --> 01:18:29,455
Oh, God,
she didn't talk to me for a month.
1409
01:18:31,790 --> 01:18:33,167
It was a wake-up call.
1410
01:18:40,424 --> 01:18:44,887
I've been this party guy for so long,
I don't even know who I am anymore.
1411
01:18:49,642 --> 01:18:55,064
Then maybe you're not supposed
to be only Bert.
1412
01:18:57,775 --> 01:18:59,443
Look what you did for Igor.
1413
01:19:00,694 --> 01:19:03,948
Your stupid drunk talk, it saved his life.
1414
01:19:05,783 --> 01:19:07,159
I don't follow.
1415
01:19:10,120 --> 01:19:13,332
We do not grow
by destroying part of ourselves.
1416
01:19:13,832 --> 01:19:16,585
We grow
by finding a balance between parts.
1417
01:19:17,836 --> 01:19:19,755
Balance like Steve Urkel.
1418
01:19:22,424 --> 01:19:23,509
Did you just say "Urkel"?
1419
01:19:23,592 --> 01:19:27,137
It's a reference to one of
my favorite American television shows.
1420
01:19:27,221 --> 01:19:28,555
Family Matters.
1421
01:19:28,639 --> 01:19:29,932
You know it?
1422
01:19:30,015 --> 01:19:33,060
Yeah. Wait. But wait.
What the fuck's Urkel got to do with this?
1423
01:19:34,478 --> 01:19:37,731
In season five,
Steve Urkel takes this potion
1424
01:19:37,815 --> 01:19:42,069
that transforms him into Stefan Urquelle,
like, this cool version of him.
1425
01:19:42,152 --> 01:19:44,363
Everyone starts hating him,
but what does he do?
1426
01:19:44,446 --> 01:19:46,532
He doesn't surrender.
1427
01:19:46,615 --> 01:19:48,033
He improves his formula,
1428
01:19:48,117 --> 01:19:51,453
and in the end,
he gets best of both worlds.
1429
01:19:52,121 --> 01:19:54,581
You are the Machine and Bert.
1430
01:19:55,207 --> 01:19:56,875
You have both sides.
1431
01:19:56,959 --> 01:19:59,878
But now you need to balance.
1432
01:20:03,716 --> 01:20:04,550
I get it.
1433
01:20:05,592 --> 01:20:07,177
Goddamn it.
1434
01:20:07,970 --> 01:20:10,055
Can't believe I slept on Family Matters.
1435
01:20:10,139 --> 01:20:12,975
Oh, you should definitely watch it.
It's very good.
1436
01:20:15,102 --> 01:20:16,729
"Did I do that?"
1437
01:20:17,354 --> 01:20:18,605
He watched it.
1438
01:20:20,524 --> 01:20:23,652
When communists came,
politburo burned down the church
1439
01:20:23,736 --> 01:20:25,779
and build this factory.
1440
01:20:25,863 --> 01:20:28,907
When the communists leave, factory closed.
1441
01:20:28,991 --> 01:20:32,077
When I came to the village,
I helped them build this.
1442
01:20:32,161 --> 01:20:34,330
- You built this?
- No, no. Inside.
1443
01:20:40,461 --> 01:20:43,172
I took you here
because building this place,
1444
01:20:43,255 --> 01:20:45,215
feeling closer to God,
1445
01:20:45,299 --> 01:20:47,718
taught me how to forgive myself.
1446
01:20:47,801 --> 01:20:52,014
You know, for all the bad things
that I did, murders,
1447
01:20:52,598 --> 01:20:54,058
all those years ago.
1448
01:20:54,933 --> 01:20:58,604
Why do you think I hooked you up
with the train banditti?
1449
01:20:58,687 --> 01:21:00,522
I don't know.
To show them a good time?
1450
01:21:01,440 --> 01:21:02,441
And?
1451
01:21:03,650 --> 01:21:05,736
To keep your class safe.
1452
01:21:06,653 --> 01:21:08,655
Train banditti are very dangerous.
1453
01:21:08,739 --> 01:21:10,824
They do terrible things to the passengers.
1454
01:21:10,908 --> 01:21:14,536
I introduced them to Machine
to distract them,
1455
01:21:14,620 --> 01:21:17,289
by doing what he always does.
1456
01:21:17,915 --> 01:21:20,376
Yeah. I robbed a lot of people, Igor.
1457
01:21:20,459 --> 01:21:21,627
So?
1458
01:21:22,169 --> 01:21:24,463
Was anyone hurt, killed?
1459
01:21:24,546 --> 01:21:26,882
You spit in a girl's face.
You were an asshole.
1460
01:21:26,965 --> 01:21:29,968
But your class, they were safe
1461
01:21:30,052 --> 01:21:33,097
because you did exactly
what you're supposed to do,
1462
01:21:33,180 --> 01:21:36,183
by showing them good time,
making them laugh.
1463
01:21:36,266 --> 01:21:38,519
You protected those people.
1464
01:21:38,602 --> 01:21:41,814
That is what a man does.
1465
01:21:43,023 --> 01:21:44,191
Goddamn it.
1466
01:21:44,274 --> 01:21:46,443
Seems you're a good man, Bert.
1467
01:21:48,404 --> 01:21:49,238
Thanks, Irina.
1468
01:21:50,572 --> 01:21:52,074
It's time to feed kids.
1469
01:21:52,157 --> 01:21:54,159
Holy shit! That's the watch!
1470
01:21:55,536 --> 01:21:56,745
My father's watch.
1471
01:22:03,001 --> 01:22:04,670
How do you have that?
1472
01:22:04,753 --> 01:22:07,339
You gave it to me when you left Russia.
1473
01:22:07,423 --> 01:22:09,758
You said it was thank you
for being a true friend.
1474
01:22:09,842 --> 01:22:11,802
You were very, very drunk.
1475
01:22:13,137 --> 01:22:14,638
I was embarrassed taking it,
1476
01:22:14,721 --> 01:22:16,974
but the words were nice,
so I just took it.
1477
01:22:17,057 --> 01:22:18,809
Sweet, drunk words.
1478
01:22:18,892 --> 01:22:19,893
God, yes.
1479
01:22:20,519 --> 01:22:21,854
Let's go, Bert.
1480
01:22:21,937 --> 01:22:23,689
I have an empire to claim.
1481
01:22:24,606 --> 01:22:26,525
I would pay
to listen to her talk during sex.
1482
01:22:26,608 --> 01:22:28,110
I would pay to have sex with her.
1483
01:22:28,193 --> 01:22:29,903
Sorry about your bathroom.
1484
01:22:29,987 --> 01:22:31,947
Thank you for taming the whore.
1485
01:22:32,030 --> 01:22:33,615
No, thank you.
1486
01:22:33,699 --> 01:22:35,284
I'll cherish these.
1487
01:22:35,367 --> 01:22:37,286
The fuck am I supposed to do
with a chicken?
1488
01:22:37,369 --> 01:22:40,456
Hey, Bert. I need to come clean.
1489
01:22:40,539 --> 01:22:42,958
After train, I talked to Fedor, and...
1490
01:22:43,709 --> 01:22:46,003
he gave me what you stole from class.
1491
01:22:46,086 --> 01:22:50,132
Then everyone go back to U.S.A.
so I kept it to remember.
1492
01:22:50,215 --> 01:22:52,926
- Hold on. No way.
- Yeah.
1493
01:22:53,635 --> 01:22:54,678
Dude.
1494
01:22:54,761 --> 01:22:56,472
Hey, take it.
1495
01:22:56,555 --> 01:22:58,974
And go to Moscow and save your father.
1496
01:22:59,475 --> 01:23:02,728
If he's still alive.
He may have been tortured to death.
1497
01:23:04,521 --> 01:23:05,647
I think she's autistic.
1498
01:23:05,731 --> 01:23:06,648
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1499
01:23:06,732 --> 01:23:10,068
Hey, man. Thank you for everything, man.
1500
01:23:10,152 --> 01:23:11,153
- No, no, no.
- No?
1501
01:23:11,236 --> 01:23:12,779
You've been a good-luck charm to me.
1502
01:23:12,863 --> 01:23:14,573
- My life changed the day I met you.
- Hey.
1503
01:23:14,656 --> 01:23:16,033
- Bert, thank you.
- No, thank you.
1504
01:23:16,116 --> 01:23:17,326
- No, thank you.
- No, thank you.
1505
01:23:18,619 --> 01:23:20,704
God. I'll miss you, brother.
1506
01:23:21,788 --> 01:23:24,833
I'm gonna miss
these disgusting poor people.
1507
01:23:26,293 --> 01:23:29,046
So you just think it and say it?
You don't stop it at all, right?
1508
01:23:29,963 --> 01:23:31,381
Yes, basically.
1509
01:23:32,174 --> 01:23:34,510
- Never met someone like myself before.
- Yeah.
1510
01:24:09,461 --> 01:24:11,088
So I keep having this recurring dream
1511
01:24:11,171 --> 01:24:12,881
where Dolly Parton throws me her pick,
1512
01:24:12,965 --> 01:24:15,050
calls me on-stage
and wants me to jam with her.
1513
01:24:15,133 --> 01:24:16,134
I'm freaking shredding,
1514
01:24:16,218 --> 01:24:18,637
but my fingers turn into spiders
and my teeth fall out.
1515
01:24:18,720 --> 01:24:21,557
Pretty sure it's my heart medication
having a reaction with my sleeping pill.
1516
01:24:21,640 --> 01:24:23,267
But, hey, it's better than doing acid,
1517
01:24:23,350 --> 01:24:25,644
and kind of the highlight of my day
at this point.
1518
01:24:26,144 --> 01:24:29,022
- It's sad but true.
- What the fuck is going on in here?
1519
01:24:29,731 --> 01:24:31,024
Oh, hi, son.
1520
01:24:34,111 --> 01:24:35,195
You two are buds now?
1521
01:24:37,364 --> 01:24:39,658
Dad, why are you talking all fast
like you're on speed or something?
1522
01:24:39,741 --> 01:24:43,412
‘Cause I'm on speed.
And it is so, so, so, so great.
1523
01:24:44,746 --> 01:24:45,956
More drugs.
1524
01:24:49,835 --> 01:24:50,919
Look at me.
1525
01:24:51,003 --> 01:24:53,088
I'm Molly Parton!
1526
01:24:56,383 --> 01:24:57,884
You see what I did there?
1527
01:24:59,720 --> 01:25:01,805
Irina. You're alive.
1528
01:25:02,514 --> 01:25:05,684
- Super.
- Yes, asshole, I am alive.
1529
01:25:05,767 --> 01:25:10,272
I brought the Machine,
and I even have the watch.
1530
01:25:10,355 --> 01:25:13,191
So suck my dick.
1531
01:25:13,275 --> 01:25:15,402
- Thanks.
- Fuck you, Sponge!
1532
01:25:15,485 --> 01:25:17,279
No, fuck you.
1533
01:25:17,362 --> 01:25:18,697
He pay me.
1534
01:25:19,698 --> 01:25:20,741
You hit me.
1535
01:25:21,241 --> 01:25:23,118
I should have left you in that gulag,
1536
01:25:23,201 --> 01:25:25,245
with those doctors poking
and prodding you.
1537
01:25:25,329 --> 01:25:27,998
I would string you up by your balls.
1538
01:25:39,051 --> 01:25:40,052
Machine.
1539
01:25:43,013 --> 01:25:44,222
I must say,
1540
01:25:45,390 --> 01:25:46,975
your dad is so fun.
1541
01:25:47,517 --> 01:25:49,978
He is the original Machine.
1542
01:25:51,229 --> 01:25:52,439
I'm the prototype.
1543
01:25:52,522 --> 01:25:54,358
He has been partying with us.
1544
01:25:54,441 --> 01:25:58,153
Now, your mom was more of
a kind of missionary kind of gal,
1545
01:25:58,236 --> 01:25:59,613
but Annika...
1546
01:26:01,156 --> 01:26:04,201
she's got the cushion for the Pushkin.
1547
01:26:05,452 --> 01:26:07,204
Oh, Dad, please stop.
1548
01:26:07,287 --> 01:26:11,333
See, your dad has spent
so long looking after you,
1549
01:26:11,416 --> 01:26:13,377
he never got a chance
to have fun on his own.
1550
01:26:15,587 --> 01:26:17,673
What a load of horseshit that is.
1551
01:26:17,756 --> 01:26:20,842
Those Dolly Parton tickets
he was just bragging about? Front row?
1552
01:26:20,926 --> 01:26:22,719
Who do you think bought them for him?
1553
01:26:22,803 --> 01:26:25,138
And to think I thought
I was finally understanding you.
1554
01:26:25,222 --> 01:26:28,308
I found your fucking knife.
Yeah, you want this piece of shit?
1555
01:26:28,392 --> 01:26:30,143
When he kicked me off the train,
1556
01:26:30,227 --> 01:26:31,937
I thought, "Maybe he's trying
to keep me safe,
1557
01:26:32,020 --> 01:26:33,980
protect me or has a plan.”
1558
01:26:34,064 --> 01:26:37,025
But no plan. No fucking plan.
1559
01:26:37,109 --> 01:26:39,027
You're just a big old dick!
1560
01:26:39,903 --> 01:26:43,448
I may have let you down in this world.
You've pointed that out a lot.
1561
01:26:43,532 --> 01:26:46,576
But you know what, Dad?
You have let me down.
1562
01:26:46,660 --> 01:26:48,537
Just like I let Sasha down.
1563
01:26:49,162 --> 01:26:51,998
I can't believe I thought
you were here to take care of me.
1564
01:26:52,082 --> 01:26:54,668
Dad, take a fucking look around.
1565
01:26:54,751 --> 01:26:56,169
You let me down!
1566
01:26:58,547 --> 01:26:59,840
Son.
1567
01:27:00,465 --> 01:27:03,093
I will always take care of you.
1568
01:27:05,470 --> 01:27:06,471
What?
1569
01:27:07,514 --> 01:27:10,976
You people threatened my granddaughter,
1570
01:27:11,643 --> 01:27:13,437
you kidnapped my son,
1571
01:27:13,520 --> 01:27:17,357
and made me do a lot of amazing drugs.
1572
01:27:17,441 --> 01:27:21,069
And this is how we say thank you
in Florida.
1573
01:27:23,822 --> 01:27:25,699
Holy shit!
1574
01:27:29,119 --> 01:27:30,829
Motherfucking Eagle Scout.
1575
01:27:30,912 --> 01:27:32,706
Oh, fuck!
1576
01:27:32,789 --> 01:27:34,541
You have amazing tits!
1577
01:27:35,959 --> 01:27:37,377
Oh, shit!
1578
01:27:37,461 --> 01:27:38,837
I got the doors!
1579
01:27:39,713 --> 01:27:40,547
God!
1580
01:27:47,929 --> 01:27:49,347
I thought you were nonviolent.
1581
01:27:49,431 --> 01:27:51,892
I am! But I also love my son!
1582
01:27:51,975 --> 01:27:53,810
I knew you'd survive
falling off that train
1583
01:27:53,894 --> 01:27:56,563
because of your big old boobies
and protective layers of fat.
1584
01:27:57,272 --> 01:27:58,982
Oh, my God, you're so high right now.
1585
01:27:59,065 --> 01:28:02,110
I am so high. I am so high!
1586
01:28:02,194 --> 01:28:05,363
Idiots, stop talking and run.
I'll find the watch.
1587
01:28:05,906 --> 01:28:07,449
Come on, come on, come on.
1588
01:28:08,533 --> 01:28:10,452
Shit. Let's go, Keith Richards.
1589
01:28:11,161 --> 01:28:12,579
Dad, come on! Stop lollygagging!
1590
01:28:15,874 --> 01:28:17,876
God. All right.
Have a great night, everybody.
1591
01:28:17,959 --> 01:28:19,336
Ooh, you're dropping your money.
1592
01:28:19,419 --> 01:28:21,421
Don't drink and drive.
Grab a T-shirt on your way out.
1593
01:28:21,505 --> 01:28:24,716
All right, have a good one.
Oh, here we go. The last ones out.
1594
01:28:24,800 --> 01:28:26,843
Sorry for the gunfire, everybody.
Have a great night.
1595
01:28:26,927 --> 01:28:28,762
Take care. Thank you very much.
1596
01:28:29,846 --> 01:28:32,057
All right, Dad. We're good.
1597
01:28:32,140 --> 01:28:34,559
Now, listen, I need you to use
this drug energy for good.
1598
01:28:34,643 --> 01:28:36,102
All right? Like Charlie Sheen did.
1599
01:28:36,603 --> 01:28:38,522
Oh, shit. Dad, get down.
1600
01:29:07,384 --> 01:29:09,678
- Bert. I lied.
- Stop talking.
1601
01:29:09,761 --> 01:29:10,846
Come on, let's go.
1602
01:29:11,888 --> 01:29:14,432
Look at me. I think I failed you as a dad.
1603
01:29:14,516 --> 01:29:16,852
- Dad, be quiet.
- I can't.
1604
01:29:16,935 --> 01:29:20,063
I'm feeling so many feelings,
and I need to tell you about them.
1605
01:29:21,147 --> 01:29:22,315
Bert?
1606
01:29:22,399 --> 01:29:23,441
- Bert?
- What?
1607
01:29:24,234 --> 01:29:25,652
I need to say this.
1608
01:29:25,735 --> 01:29:28,697
Instead of accepting you,
I criticized you.
1609
01:29:28,780 --> 01:29:31,408
But it was only because I wanted
to keep you safe.
1610
01:29:31,491 --> 01:29:33,326
Why have you never told me this?
1611
01:29:33,410 --> 01:29:34,661
I don't know. It's...
1612
01:29:34,744 --> 01:29:38,707
Vulnerability is scary,
and opening up is hard.
1613
01:29:39,583 --> 01:29:41,877
- What drugs did they give you?
- Well, well, it was...
1614
01:29:41,960 --> 01:29:43,420
Okay, come on. Let's go. Let's go.
1615
01:29:43,503 --> 01:29:45,755
One was yellow,
but I don't know what it was.
1616
01:29:48,383 --> 01:29:50,385
- Bert.
- Dad, shut the fuck up.
1617
01:29:50,468 --> 01:29:51,761
This is important.
1618
01:29:54,639 --> 01:29:56,850
All dads mess up, Bert.
1619
01:29:57,601 --> 01:29:59,477
But the good ones, we--
1620
01:30:00,604 --> 01:30:02,230
We try to do better.
1621
01:30:04,357 --> 01:30:07,068
I guess sometimes it just...
1622
01:30:08,236 --> 01:30:09,696
takes us a while.
1623
01:30:10,322 --> 01:30:11,948
You're my boy, Bert.
1624
01:30:14,159 --> 01:30:15,827
Don't ever forget that.
1625
01:30:16,494 --> 01:30:17,996
You'll always...
1626
01:30:18,788 --> 01:30:20,290
be my boy.
1627
01:30:27,255 --> 01:30:28,506
This is nice, Dad.
1628
01:30:29,132 --> 01:30:31,968
You should do drugs more often.
Look at us.
1629
01:30:32,052 --> 01:30:33,845
We're finally working through our shit.
1630
01:30:38,350 --> 01:30:39,643
Dad, let's go!
1631
01:30:40,894 --> 01:30:41,978
Goddamn!
1632
01:30:42,062 --> 01:30:44,356
I just wish it had happened
before we were about to die!
1633
01:30:44,439 --> 01:30:46,358
No, we're not gonna die.
1634
01:30:46,900 --> 01:30:47,734
Here.
1635
01:30:48,902 --> 01:30:51,947
You have always succeeded
by being exactly you.
1636
01:30:52,030 --> 01:30:53,823
Now, take off that shirt
1637
01:30:53,907 --> 01:30:57,494
and show those SOBs who you really are.
1638
01:31:01,247 --> 01:31:02,248
Hey!
1639
01:31:08,296 --> 01:31:09,130
Fuck.
1640
01:31:35,198 --> 01:31:38,451
Now you gotta party with me.
1641
01:31:39,077 --> 01:31:40,370
Who the fuck are you?
1642
01:31:40,453 --> 01:31:43,748
He's the motherfucking Machine!
1643
01:31:50,380 --> 01:31:51,381
Oh, shit.
1644
01:31:53,049 --> 01:31:56,011
I'm bulletproof, baby! Yeah!
1645
01:31:56,094 --> 01:31:57,679
Come on! Yeah!
1646
01:32:02,600 --> 01:32:04,602
Suck my dick, Captain America.
1647
01:32:10,233 --> 01:32:11,234
Machina!
1648
01:32:28,209 --> 01:32:30,086
What are you gonna do with a stick?
Come on.
1649
01:32:33,423 --> 01:32:34,883
I got your stick now.
1650
01:32:48,772 --> 01:32:49,647
Not too bad.
1651
01:32:56,321 --> 01:32:58,031
Dad, put your hands down.
1652
01:32:58,114 --> 01:32:59,699
Get down now! Come on!
1653
01:32:59,783 --> 01:33:02,035
God, I'm so strong!
1654
01:33:04,079 --> 01:33:05,663
Here we go. Dad, Dad. Down, down.
1655
01:33:07,332 --> 01:33:08,750
Help me fuck up Lenin.
1656
01:33:08,833 --> 01:33:09,918
- Let's do it.
- Come on!
1657
01:33:19,761 --> 01:33:21,387
Take that, communist!
1658
01:33:21,471 --> 01:33:23,473
Hey. Eagle Scout.
1659
01:33:24,015 --> 01:33:26,518
We have a rematch.
1660
01:33:33,108 --> 01:33:34,859
- Hammer, Dad.
- Here.
1661
01:33:42,158 --> 01:33:44,410
Oh, titty boy.
1662
01:33:48,248 --> 01:33:49,666
I got you, son!
1663
01:33:51,543 --> 01:33:53,795
Dad! Dad!
1664
01:33:53,878 --> 01:33:55,713
Sorry, old man.
1665
01:34:03,930 --> 01:34:05,473
Absorb that, Sponge.
1666
01:34:07,225 --> 01:34:09,561
Oh, shit. Dad. Get off!
1667
01:34:09,644 --> 01:34:11,312
Are you okay? You okay?
1668
01:34:11,396 --> 01:34:14,065
I-- I saved you.
1669
01:34:14,649 --> 01:34:15,775
Yeah, you did.
1670
01:34:17,152 --> 01:34:17,986
Oh, shit.
1671
01:34:18,069 --> 01:34:21,239
Come here! Come on, Dad, let's walk.
Oh, shit. Shit. Let me see.
1672
01:34:22,073 --> 01:34:24,909
You... are nothing...
1673
01:34:28,955 --> 01:34:33,042
but an ignorant, fat American
who has no respect.
1674
01:34:33,126 --> 01:34:35,879
Our father earned our respect.
1675
01:34:39,507 --> 01:34:40,800
Your father...
1676
01:34:41,801 --> 01:34:43,261
sells carpets.
1677
01:34:44,846 --> 01:34:49,642
I think I will make him
watch you die, Machine.
1678
01:34:52,353 --> 01:34:53,855
My name's not Machine.
1679
01:34:58,234 --> 01:35:01,446
My name is Albert Charles Kreischer lll,
1680
01:35:01,529 --> 01:35:04,073
son to Albert Charles Kreischer Jr.,
1681
01:35:04,157 --> 01:35:07,035
owner and operator of Kreischer Karpets,
1682
01:35:07,118 --> 01:35:10,371
the best goddamn carpets
you can find in Southwest Florida!
1683
01:35:10,455 --> 01:35:12,957
Three convenient locations.
1684
01:35:13,041 --> 01:35:14,542
Tell him, Dad!
1685
01:35:14,626 --> 01:35:17,837
And if I ever see
your albino-looking ass again,
1686
01:35:17,921 --> 01:35:19,547
I'm gonna whip it quick as a bitch.
1687
01:35:19,631 --> 01:35:21,966
And last, but surely not least,
1688
01:35:22,050 --> 01:35:24,219
I'm gonna need that knife back.
That's a family heirloom.
1689
01:35:26,804 --> 01:35:28,973
- You want knife?
- Oh, yeah.
1690
01:35:31,893 --> 01:35:33,853
Oh, I wouldn't--
I wouldn't do it that way, though.
1691
01:35:37,774 --> 01:35:40,443
I would have someone help you.
Oh, God. It's--
1692
01:35:40,526 --> 01:35:43,279
Oh, my Jesus. That's how Steve Irwin died.
1693
01:35:51,162 --> 01:35:53,873
Oh, my God.
1694
01:35:54,832 --> 01:35:57,627
You work out every day? That's--
Looks like an everyday thing.
1695
01:35:57,710 --> 01:35:59,921
- Enough talk.
- All right, yep.
1696
01:36:02,757 --> 01:36:03,925
So now's when we bang, huh?
1697
01:36:46,718 --> 01:36:48,011
Okay, here we go.
1698
01:36:57,687 --> 01:36:59,272
So you can fight.
1699
01:37:00,064 --> 01:37:01,357
I went to Florida State.
1700
01:37:01,983 --> 01:37:04,360
All we know how to do is fight,
fuck, and drink.
1701
01:37:04,944 --> 01:37:06,612
And I can't fuck worth shit.
1702
01:37:32,889 --> 01:37:34,223
I just got that crown.
1703
01:37:41,647 --> 01:37:44,108
Would you like to know
why I hate you, Machine?
1704
01:37:44,192 --> 01:37:46,027
Oh, I'm dying to know.
1705
01:37:46,110 --> 01:37:50,698
All my life, men were measured
against your stupid legend.
1706
01:37:52,992 --> 01:37:54,369
"The best."
1707
01:37:55,328 --> 01:37:56,788
"The man's man."
1708
01:37:57,413 --> 01:37:58,831
I say, fuck that!
1709
01:38:00,208 --> 01:38:02,460
So I worked
to make myself better than you.
1710
01:38:03,169 --> 01:38:04,879
Stronger than you.
1711
01:38:04,962 --> 01:38:06,756
Look at you now, Machine.
1712
01:38:06,839 --> 01:38:08,257
You are nothing.
1713
01:38:12,845 --> 01:38:15,431
So dramatic, Alexei.
1714
01:38:15,515 --> 01:38:17,433
All these fucking speeches.
1715
01:38:21,604 --> 01:38:22,605
Irina.
1716
01:38:22,688 --> 01:38:26,609
Typical macho bullshit.
1717
01:38:28,486 --> 01:38:31,280
- Oh, Dad!
- Whoa, whoa, my arm!
1718
01:38:31,364 --> 01:38:33,616
- Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Son...
1719
01:38:34,534 --> 01:38:36,536
you didn't show fear.
1720
01:39:02,895 --> 01:39:03,729
Enough!
1721
01:39:17,994 --> 01:39:20,788
Is this how I raised you?
1722
01:39:29,380 --> 01:39:30,590
Your watch, Papa.
1723
01:39:40,183 --> 01:39:42,477
I brought it here to return it to you.
1724
01:39:50,151 --> 01:39:51,277
So...
1725
01:39:54,989 --> 01:39:57,074
it's clear that I have won.
1726
01:39:59,410 --> 01:40:03,289
Oh, Irina. My beautiful daughter.
1727
01:40:03,998 --> 01:40:06,209
You want to take over?
1728
01:40:06,292 --> 01:40:09,378
You cannot even kill brother.
1729
01:40:09,462 --> 01:40:12,507
You become friends with idiot.
1730
01:40:13,132 --> 01:40:15,676
I would never give this to you.
1731
01:40:17,136 --> 01:40:19,388
Actually, can I step in for a second?
1732
01:40:20,640 --> 01:40:23,351
I think you guys should talk it out.
Now, me and my dad...
1733
01:40:24,310 --> 01:40:26,604
- This is Russia.
- Okay, okay.
1734
01:40:26,687 --> 01:40:30,358
We don't do your weak,
America, lovey-huggy shit.
1735
01:40:32,485 --> 01:40:35,947
Hugs are for pussies.
1736
01:40:36,531 --> 01:40:38,074
Well, that explains a lot.
1737
01:40:42,161 --> 01:40:45,039
Alexei understands.
1738
01:40:46,123 --> 01:40:49,210
It is why he will run family.
1739
01:40:50,002 --> 01:40:51,504
You are weak.
1740
01:40:51,587 --> 01:40:53,756
A leader must be a wolf.
1741
01:40:55,508 --> 01:40:58,553
Kill or be killed.
1742
01:40:58,636 --> 01:41:00,555
If you do not like it,
1743
01:41:01,931 --> 01:41:04,267
take it up with God.
1744
01:41:06,269 --> 01:41:07,728
But you first.
1745
01:41:31,377 --> 01:41:33,087
Did I do that?
1746
01:41:37,425 --> 01:41:39,468
I am definitely watching Family Matters
when we get home.
1747
01:42:02,158 --> 01:42:03,951
Look at that! Look at that! Look at that!
1748
01:42:05,911 --> 01:42:09,081
Irina, we can work together.
1749
01:42:09,165 --> 01:42:10,291
I am your brother.
1750
01:42:10,374 --> 01:42:11,792
Shut the fuck up!
1751
01:42:16,881 --> 01:42:19,216
Take him to our family dacha
while I decide
1752
01:42:19,300 --> 01:42:21,927
which part of him to cut off
for his insolence.
1753
01:42:23,304 --> 01:42:25,431
Fuck you, bitch. This is Russia.
1754
01:42:26,307 --> 01:42:29,018
Machine, I will kill you someday!
1755
01:42:29,101 --> 01:42:30,770
- I don't think so.
- I will come for you!
1756
01:42:30,853 --> 01:42:33,064
- I don't know about that.
- Machine!
1757
01:42:33,147 --> 01:42:35,232
- I can't hear you.
- I will come for you!
1758
01:42:36,317 --> 01:42:37,693
Go, me! Right?
1759
01:42:37,777 --> 01:42:38,861
That was awesome!
1760
01:42:38,944 --> 01:42:40,905
Thank you, Bert. You inspired me.
1761
01:42:40,988 --> 01:42:41,822
Wait, how?
1762
01:42:41,906 --> 01:42:44,158
When you said you're going
to kill your dad at Igor's house.
1763
01:42:44,241 --> 01:42:47,411
- You said you were gonna kill me?
- Well, yeah. You kicked me off a train.
1764
01:42:47,495 --> 01:42:49,997
Now go, before police shows up.
1765
01:42:50,581 --> 01:42:51,666
- And, Bert.
- Yeah?
1766
01:42:51,749 --> 01:42:53,209
Your daughter is sweet.
1767
01:42:53,292 --> 01:42:55,836
My DJ friend tells me she's a good girl.
1768
01:42:55,920 --> 01:42:58,798
- Some drugs. But smoke, not snort.
- Okay.
1769
01:42:58,881 --> 01:43:00,341
- Good girl.
- Yeah.
1770
01:43:06,222 --> 01:43:07,348
You're a good dad.
1771
01:43:07,431 --> 01:43:08,683
Keep it up.
1772
01:43:09,225 --> 01:43:11,394
Or else your daughter may kill you.
1773
01:43:16,023 --> 01:43:17,108
Thanks, Irina.
1774
01:43:18,526 --> 01:43:20,194
See you around, pussy boy.
1775
01:43:38,754 --> 01:43:41,048
Hey, deuces. Bye.
1776
01:43:41,132 --> 01:43:42,133
Bye, girl.
1777
01:43:45,886 --> 01:43:47,722
- Dad?
- Keep it, sir. Thank you.
1778
01:43:47,805 --> 01:43:50,307
- Dad, look. Mom said that...
- Oh, my gosh!
1779
01:43:50,391 --> 01:43:52,017
- There she is! Come here!
- What?
1780
01:43:52,101 --> 01:43:53,644
Oh, my God, I love you.
1781
01:43:53,728 --> 01:43:56,647
I am so sorry. You are a fantastic kid.
1782
01:43:57,940 --> 01:44:00,735
No, look. I'm really sorry.
I was really mean at the party.
1783
01:44:01,819 --> 01:44:04,155
Look at us. We're apologizing.
1784
01:44:04,238 --> 01:44:06,073
I should be kidnapped to Russia
once a year
1785
01:44:06,157 --> 01:44:08,576
- just to make this happen, right?
- What?
1786
01:44:08,659 --> 01:44:10,161
Oh, there's the smile.
1787
01:44:10,244 --> 01:44:12,455
You did that smile
when you were a little girl.
1788
01:44:12,538 --> 01:44:14,248
You're still my little girl.
1789
01:44:16,292 --> 01:44:17,585
And there's my woman.
1790
01:44:17,668 --> 01:44:20,629
Oh, well, well.
It's nice to see you two back.
1791
01:44:20,713 --> 01:44:23,090
I hope you worked out
your shit finally be--
1792
01:44:31,348 --> 01:44:32,475
The fuck are you wearing?
1793
01:44:32,558 --> 01:44:35,644
- Oh, my God, what is that smell?
- Okay, these are clothes.
1794
01:44:35,728 --> 01:44:37,188
I do not know what that smell is.
1795
01:44:37,271 --> 01:44:38,773
- Did you go to Vegas?
- I did not go to Vegas.
1796
01:44:38,856 --> 01:44:40,733
- Where's your dad?
- Dad's in Florida.
1797
01:44:40,816 --> 01:44:43,277
He's got a doctor buddy he plays golf with
who doesn't ask any questions.
1798
01:44:43,360 --> 01:44:45,070
We could all use one of those,
right, guys? Am I kidding?
1799
01:44:45,154 --> 01:44:47,698
- Dad! Hey!
- Oh, there she is!
1800
01:44:47,782 --> 01:44:49,158
From the top rope!
1801
01:44:49,241 --> 01:44:50,910
Oh, my gosh!
1802
01:44:50,993 --> 01:44:52,828
Oh, I love you! My favorite daughter!
1803
01:44:52,912 --> 01:44:54,538
- Just kidding. I'm not kidding.
- Hey.
1804
01:44:54,622 --> 01:44:56,749
I can't wait till you get kidnapped.
1805
01:44:57,917 --> 01:45:00,127
- What?
- Guys, Dad's back!
1806
01:45:00,211 --> 01:45:02,338
Dad's back! It's old-school Dad!
1807
01:45:02,421 --> 01:45:03,672
How was your week?
1808
01:45:05,299 --> 01:45:06,300
Complicated.
1809
01:45:06,383 --> 01:45:09,512
Dear Ashley, are you still hot? I'm not.
1810
01:45:09,595 --> 01:45:11,680
I don't expect you to forgive me,
1811
01:45:11,764 --> 01:45:13,974
but I wanted to keep my promise.
1812
01:45:14,058 --> 01:45:16,685
Gifts are an important aspect
of Russian life.
1813
01:45:16,769 --> 01:45:18,687
So are apologies.
1814
01:45:18,771 --> 01:45:20,231
This is mine.
1815
01:45:20,940 --> 01:45:23,692
Last week,
the subject of your father came up,
1816
01:45:23,776 --> 01:45:25,694
and I thought we could explore that.
1817
01:45:26,695 --> 01:45:28,364
Jesus Christ, Dad. That Annika girl.
1818
01:45:28,447 --> 01:45:31,659
- Did you wear condoms?
- Will you stop? Stop.
1819
01:45:31,742 --> 01:45:33,244
- I'm just saying.
- I don't want to hear it again.
1820
01:45:33,327 --> 01:45:34,912
Please put that down the memory hole.
1821
01:45:34,995 --> 01:45:36,121
I can't, Dad.
1822
01:45:36,205 --> 01:45:38,457
Since when do you have
such a razor-sharp memory?
1823
01:45:38,541 --> 01:45:39,375
What happened--
1824
01:45:39,458 --> 01:45:41,836
When you say things like,
"Your mom is a missionary woman."
1825
01:45:41,919 --> 01:45:43,045
Oh, no!
1826
01:45:43,128 --> 01:45:44,880
Nah, we're good.
1827
01:45:45,589 --> 01:45:46,590
You and your father?
1828
01:45:46,674 --> 01:45:49,260
Yeah. We're thick as thieves.
Butch and Sundance.
1829
01:45:49,343 --> 01:45:50,344
- Really?
- Yeah.
1830
01:45:51,387 --> 01:45:54,765
Well, if you don't mind,
can I ask how that resolved itself?
1831
01:45:54,849 --> 01:45:56,892
You can ask, but I don't think
you're gonna believe me.
1832
01:45:56,976 --> 01:45:58,602
Well, humor me.
1833
01:46:02,231 --> 01:46:03,232
All right.
1834
01:46:04,400 --> 01:46:07,027
When I was 48 years old,
I got involved with the Russian mafia.
1835
01:46:07,111 --> 01:46:08,279
Here's how it happened.
1836
01:46:57,828 --> 01:46:59,038
What's up, Florida?
1837
01:46:59,121 --> 01:47:00,414
It's your boy, Bert Kreischer.
1838
01:47:00,497 --> 01:47:01,957
The Machine.
1839
01:47:02,041 --> 01:47:03,417
I love three things:
1840
01:47:03,500 --> 01:47:04,835
- Having a great time...
- Yeah!
1841
01:47:04,919 --> 01:47:06,712
...making sure
other people have a great time,
1842
01:47:06,795 --> 01:47:07,880
and quality carpets
1843
01:47:07,963 --> 01:47:10,174
- delivered at a reasonable price.
- Oh, yeah!
1844
01:47:10,257 --> 01:47:12,217
That's why,
if you're looking for some acrylic,
1845
01:47:12,301 --> 01:47:15,512
wool, plush, saxony, or level loop...
1846
01:47:15,596 --> 01:47:17,097
None of that nylon shit.
1847
01:47:17,181 --> 01:47:19,433
...you need to find your way
to a Kreischer Karpets.
1848
01:47:19,516 --> 01:47:21,852
It's my dad's business,
and he's right here.
1849
01:47:21,936 --> 01:47:23,103
Say hi, Dad.
1850
01:47:23,812 --> 01:47:26,815
Hey, son. You can't say a swear on TV.
1851
01:47:26,899 --> 01:47:29,693
The best goddamn carpets
in Southwest Florida.
1852
01:47:29,777 --> 01:47:32,863
That's Kreischer Karpets,
spelled weirdly with a K.
1853
01:47:32,947 --> 01:47:34,031
Take it off, Dad.
1854
01:47:34,823 --> 01:47:36,158
Okay, fine.
1855
01:47:39,536 --> 01:47:42,456
Did we mention we have
three convenient locations?
132225
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