All language subtitles for Jim.Jefferies.Intolerant.2020.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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[cheering and applause]

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
Jim Jefferies!

[cheering and applause]

[cheering and applause continues]

Hello, Boston!

How you doing? Thank you for that.

Thank you for that.
You all getting fucked up?

[cheering]

I'm not drinking. I got water.

-I can't drink like I used to drink. Okay?
-[audience] Aww.

I used to drink--
I used to be a daily drinker.

I used to be five drinks, every day,
seven days a week,

which is 35 drinks a week.

Which the FDA of America says
that means I'm an alcoholic.

They say anything over 20 drinks
makes you an alcoholic.

Bullshit.

[laughter]

That's less than three drinks
a fucking day.

That's a reasonable amount
of fucking drinking.

You can have three drinks a day.
There's nothing wrong with that.

You don't have a problem.

[laughter]

Two lines of coke a day
isn't a coke problem.

-[laughter]
-It isn't a coke problem.

That's less than a gram a week.

[laughter]

You know why I stopped drinking so much
is because I cracked open a beer,

and my son, he was five at the time,
he looked up at me, he went,

"Daddy, are you drinking again?"

[laughter]

I'm like, "Where the fuck
did that come from,

-you little...?"
-[laughter]

Like, very clearly it was from the woman
who I gave a house to, but I was like...

[laughter]

So, I don't... I don't drink...
I don't drink like that anymore.

I don't drink, 'cause I'm a good dad,
you know?

So, what I do now is
I just drink one day a week,

but I still get my 35 in.

[laughter]

That's how society has pushed me.

[cheering and applause]

That's why if you ever see, like, a woman

and she's like in her mid-thirties
and it's 9:00 p.m.

and she's all dolled up,

but it's like she's holding her shoes
and just stumbling around

and vomiting in alleyways,
don't feel sorry for her.

She's just a good mom.

[laughter]

Found a window of fucking time.

[laughter]

The Queen of England
drinks four cocktails a day.

That's eight standard drinks a day.

That means she's
a full-blown fucking alkie.

-Full-blown.
-[laughter]

My question is, is she a nice drunk
or a fucking nasty drunk?

Around cocktail three, does she start
trawling the palace, just...

[laughter]

"Philip!

[laughter]

Philip!"

And Philip's like,
"Ah, fuck, Lizzie's at it again.

[laughter]

Get my Land Rover ready."

[laughter]

She's just trawling around, "Philip!"

[laughter]

She goes into one room,

she jumps back out
with a crown on her head, "Ha-ha!

[laughter]

I look like the money."

[laughter]

I got to tell you a story right now.

To tell this story, I have to start off
by saying that I'm lactose intolerant.

-[woman cheers]
-That means that I will not...

tolerate lactose.

[laughter]

If I eat lactose,

40 minutes later,
and you can set your fucking watch by it,

[laughter]

I will shit myself.

[laughter]

That sounds like more
than just intolerance, doesn't it?

[laughter]

I shit myself.

[laughter]

Like, think about it right now.
So, you're all in groups, right?

You've probably got groups of three, four
friends you're all hanging out with.

And then you have your periphery groups.

Like, some cunt in your group has brought
some friends from work. Right?

And there's always one cunt
in that fucking group

where you, like,

you turn to one of your good friends
and you go, "Can't tolerate that guy.

Can't tolerate him."

But it's not like, if he comes near you,

[laughter]

you shit yourself.

[laughter]

So, my two biggest nemesisises...

Nemesi?

-[laughter]
-N--

The two things that--
that I'm not good with...

[laughter]

are ice cream and cheese.

Now, here's the tragedy that is my life.

Ice cream and cheese are also
my two favorite things.

[laughter]

See, I wasn't always lactose intolerant.

No, it happened to me at 35. I'm 42 now.
It happened on my 35th birthday.

I was sitting down,
having my Baskin-Robbins ice cream cake,

as I always request.

I'm hoeing into it,
and then God looked at me and went,

"How's all those atheist jokes going,
cunt?

-Pew!"
-[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

So now I can't eat ice cream and cheese.
Right?

But here's the thing.

I still eat ice cream and cheese.

[laughter]

With the full knowledge
that I'm going to shit myself,

I still fucking do it. Right?

I-- I, actually, what I do is
if I have a heavy meal,

I eat a scoop of ice cream afterwards

'cause then I know
I'll shit everything out, cause...

[laughter]

I'm a genius, you see?

That's the Jefferies diet.
You can fucking take that home with you.

[laughter]

So, I still eat ice cream and cheese,

but I don't eat them out in the wild.

[laughter]

You'll never see me on a boardwalk
with an ice cream cone.

No, no, no. I eat them at home,

amongst people who love me
and respect me.

Where I know where the toilet is,
I know how much toilet paper we've got,

I'm ready to fucking go.

[laughter]

So, although I am intolerant of lactose,

I still, you could argue, tolerate it.

[laughter]

In the same way that my dad...

doesn't hate gay people...

[laughter]

he's just intolerant of them.

[laughter]

My father's a 78-year-old man
from rural Australia,

and when we were growing up, I heard him
say the occasional homophobic slur.

When he was young, uh,
being gay was a mental illness.

He's a product of his environment.

But two years ago,
Australia had a referendum,

where they voted on gay marriage,
and my father voted "yes."

And that's because I spent time
talking to him,

going, "Dad, it's the right thing."

And then my dad said,

"Well, I guess they deserve to be
as miserable as the rest of us."

[laughter]

Now, because my father has done
this one forward-thinking thing

in his entire life,

my dad now thinks he is woke as fuck.

[laughter]

And my dad says sentences like this.

"I've got no problems with the gays,

they can do whatever they want,

in their own homes,

behind closed doors,

as long as they don't try to involve me."

[laughter]

And I'm always like,
"Dad, are they trying to involve you?"

[laughter]

Is there a scenario...

[laughter]

...where there's two gay fellas
in the inner suburbs of Sydney,

one's strapped up to a bed
with a fucking gag ball in his mouth,

the other one's lubing up his fist,
and he's about to enter,

and just as he's about to go in,
this fella goes...

[muffled screaming]

And he goes, "What's that, mate?"

"Maybe we should try to involve
Gary Jefferies."

[laughter]

"Oh, that's a brilliant idea.
Why didn't I think of that?"

He unstraps him.

They get in their Honda Civic,
and they fucking drive.

[laughter]

It's a Friday night in Sydney,
it's raining,

you've got to get around the harbor,
it's fucking-- traffic's horrendous.

It takes them an hour 15.

They get out to the house
where my dad lives.

My dad's just sitting there,
watching rugby league.

[laughter]

He hears a knock on the door.

[laughter]

[laughter continues]

"That's the second time this month.

[laughter]

I told you not to involve me."

[laughter]

Now, I was, uh, touring in Sydney
earlier this year,

and I did that routine.

My father was in the audience,

and he'd brought along
all of his bowling friends.

My father plays lawn bowls, uh, every day,

uh, which is like, uh, curling
but with a ball and...

You'll figure it out.

Anyway... So he brought
these, like, eight mates,

and all of his mates were aged
between 70 and 90. Right?

All these blokes fucking went along.

And then my dad came backstage,
they're all sinking piss backstage.

My dad comes up to me and goes,
"Yeah, I enjoyed the show.

Yeah, it was a good show. Good show.

Different jokes you're doing now.

Uh...

I didn't like that bit about me
and the two gay fellas.

-I didn't."
-[laughter]

And I didn't understand why,

and it turned out the reason
he was upset,

not because I spoke about him
maybe having sex with two men,

but because his friends found out
that he voted "yes" for gay marriage.

[laughter]

And now...

And now all of his mates
take the piss out of him, right?

Every time they go to do their shoelaces,
they're like,

"Will you marry me, Gary?"

[laughter]

That's the thing about my dad, man,
he's trying.

At his age, he's still trying
to be progressive

and all that type of stuff.

And here's the problem,
with young people, right.

So... so, he's backstage,

he's having a few beers,
he's voted yes for gay marriage.

Everyone's teasing him a bit.

And then my dad, at 78, says,

"Oh, yeah, I'm good with the gays,
I like the gays."

And then he goes, "I don't know
about those trans people."

And then a person I know started going,

"Well, you're transphobic.
You're transphobic."

And I was like, "All right,
everyone settle the fuck down.

[laughter]

Settle down."

And I said, "This guy just got used
to gay people yesterday.

[laughter]

Let him have his fucking victory lap.

You're going to scare him off, you cunt."

[laughter]

Like, let him be old, you cunt.

He goes like this, "Gay people are okay."

And then you go, "Chicks with dicks,"
and he's like, "Fuck off."

[laughter]

This is the thing about being progressive

and being woke
and all that fucking bullshit, right?

The-the-the young generations,
the millennials,

what you're missing out on is...

Let old people be fucking old, right?

They'll be dead soon enough, right?

Stop fucking making everyone move

as fast as you're fucking moving,
all right?

People are trying. Right?

Here's the thing about millennials.

You're the worst people
that have ever lived.

[laughter]

-[cheering and applause]
-You're the worst.

You're just a horrible breed of people.

And I don't even blame you,

it's just the society you're in.

You have social media.

Every single peanut fucking thought
that ever came into your head,

"I'll fucking comment..."

[laughter]

What type of fucking low-rent cunts
are you?

[laughter]

Like...

if you take more
than three selfies a week,

fucking end it. End it.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

All right?

[cheering and applause continues]

The idea that you think
taking a photo of yourself,

isn't there something
mentally wrong with that?

And it's not just...
That's-- That's bad.

That's bad as it is.

But the fact that when you take
that photo, your next thought is,

"Other people might want to see this."

[laughter]

You're the fucking worst. I...

I've tried dating you people.

It's a fucking nightmare, right?

I don't care how smooth
your fucking skin is,

I'll take an old person with a better
fucking attitude, you pricks.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

You know, you date a millennial...

I used to have nice outings.

You used to go to a beach,
and you'd watch the sunset.

No, fuck that.

Sunsets are ruined because you cunts
all want to do yoga poses

while I stand back here, going,
"Did I do a good photo?"

[laughter]

Heaven forbid I walk past a wall

where someone's painted
some fucking wings on,

that's my whole day fucking ruined.

[laughter]

See, here's the thing about you.
You are...

the most progressive generation
that's ever been. That is true.

You are the most progressive generation
that's ever been.

But here's something for you.

Every generation before you

has also been the most progressive
generation that's ever been.

You're not fucking special.

-[laughter]
-[woman] Yeah!

One day, and you don't even see it coming,
in about 40 years' time,

you're gonna be the old bigots.

[laughter]

You don't see it coming, do you?
You'll be the old bigots.

You'll be standing around
with your friends,

going, "I don't understand the kids today.

When I was young, women had penises
and men had vaginas,

and it was all very normal.

[laughter]

But my grandson says
he identifies as an Asian woman

who wants to be a black man
and marry a fucking robot,

and I'm not having it."

[laughter]

So my point is...

I can't eat cheese.

[laughter]

So...

[cheering and applause]

I can't. I can't. It's not good for me.

So...

So, I-I went on a date with this girl.

I went maybe six or seven dates with her.

And I took her out to one of those
tasting menu restaurants.

You know, those fancy restaurants,
Michelin-star thing,

where there's, like, 11 or 12 courses.
This is a good move.

For any young fella out there
who wants to take a girl out,

take them to a tasting menu,

because if you're like me,

I eat my food too quick,
and then I've got to sit there

and watch them try to, you know...

Then I think, "How much of that
am I gonna get to eat?" You know?

And if you go to a tasting menu,

the brilliant thing about going
to a fancy restaurant is that

the conversation never stops.

Because there's so many courses
that you can go,

"I liked that course.

I didn't like course number three,

but I enjoyed seven,
so I wonder what's up next."

It's a good way of keeping things going.

-[laughter]
-Now...

I tried to do...

I tried to do this routine in Kansas.

Very hard to explain...

[laughter]

...what a really good meal's like.
They fucking...

They couldn't wrap their brain around it.

I was like, "You know when you go to one
of those really fancy restaurants?"

[laughter]

And I went, "Think about the best meal
you've ever had."

And then one guy yells out, "Ribs!"

And I was like,

"Yeah...
Yeah, ribs are good.

[laughter]

But think of a meal
that's even better than ribs."

And he thought about it and he went,

"Two ribs!" And I went, "Yeah."

[laughter]

So these restaurants...

they're pretentious as fuck, right?

Every-- Every dish includes a foam,
a reduction,

and a mousse.

And there's always a quail's egg

and a truffle.

Always with a quail's egg.
Why can't they use a fucking chicken egg?

[laughter]

Every time I go to the supermarket,
I always go to the poultry.

I'm never like, "Oh, quail or chicken,
what will we eat tonight?"

Where the fuck are they buying
all the quails' eggs?

[laughter]

And come to think of it, I'm not sure...

if I've ever seen a quail.

[laughter]

I've never been out and gone,
"Ah, fuck me, the quails are out tonight.

[laughter]

Better get the car in the garage,
don't want it covered in quail shit.

fucking quails."

So it's always a reduction, a mousse,
and a foam,

next to a quail's egg
with a truffle on top.

And the first course is always called
the amuse-bouche.

The amuse-bouche is never on the menu.

And what this is in fancy food
is you eat that,

and that's meant to make you realize
what the rest of the meal might be like.

It's to make you go, "Oh, we're eating.

Oh.

[laughter]

I get what's going on.

This is a small portion of bigger things."

It's like if before you came to the show,

you all went
to a smaller comedy club tonight

and watched someone do a five-minute set.

So you could go,
"I get what Jim's gonna do."

[laughter]

And there's always some French cunt
who's the waiter.

[laughter]

I can say this on Netflix, the French are
a bunch of cunts. I'm not sure if...

[laughter]

Are you even watching it?

-On your French Netflix?
-[cheering]

[applause]

Anyway, so there's always a French fuck.

[laughter]

He walks out, and the first course
is always served

on, like, a ceramic white spoon,

with the reduction, the mousse,
and the foam,

and the quail's egg, and something on top.

And he walks up to you,
and he's very patronizing, and he goes,

"Okay, now it's time
for the amuse-bouche."

And then he goes,
"The chef has prepared this for you."

And you always... you always nod along,
like, "Oh, that's good, the chef,"

when you really should just be an asshole
to him and just go,

"The chef, you say?

[laughter]

Did you hear that, honey?
The chef's doing the cooking today.

[laughter]

I thought the busboy had just fucking
stepped it up a gear, but fuck me,

I think we're in for a treat."

[laughter]

And then he has the audacity
to tell you how to eat it.

He goes, "Uh, the chef recommends
that you put the spoon in your mouth

and you eat it all in one bite,

and let the quail's egg

explode over the foam, the mousse,
and the reduction,

and then you swallow."

"All right."

When you should really go,

"Thank fuck you came along, cunt.

[laughter]

I wouldn't have known what to do.

[laughter]

A spoon, you say?

A spoon? I would've..."

[laughter]

[chuckles]

So then you go through that,

then you get a couple more courses.

Then there's always a course
that involves something...

The ingredients they use
aren't the ingredients

that you want to fucking eat, right?

If you were to buy a pork product
in a supermarket

and you were spending money,
it would be, like, a pork loin

or a chop, right?

In these restaurants, it's always like,
"This is the kidney of the thing

and the fingernail of the hoof.

And... and you are getting the rind
from the pig's eye,

the eye socket of the pig."

And you're like, "Oh, I haven't got enough
socket in my fucking diet."

At the end you're like,
"I'm eating bone marrow,

I didn't know what a bone marrow fan
I fucking am."

And it's all shit.
It's all fucking bad for you.

[laughter]

I always... I always feel fatter after...

This is the deal, right?
I'm recording a special right now,

so I've dropped, like,
seven pounds in a week,

by just not fucking eating,
just not fucking eating, and...

I come from a long line of fat people.

Right? I come from fat people.

The reason I... I lose weight
is because of you,

the general public,
and your comments on the internet.

[laughter]

Without you and your words of wisdom,

I'd be a fat fuck,

but thank God you all come along,

and you fucking bully the fuck out of me.

[laughter]

See, I'm not... I'm not for fat shaming,

-but I kind of am, I kind of am.
-[laughter]

I'm not for any shaming, really,

but I don't know why
we've gotten to this moment in society

where fat people are immune
to being shamed,

yet every other addiction
in our society is shamed.

I watched my mother eat herself to death.
I fucking watched it.

She hid food, she fucking kept on eating,
she denied what she was doing,

and she fucking died from it, right?

I watched it happen.

But for some reason,
we have to look at fat people and go,

"You be your best self,
you're looking great."

Every other fucking addiction
in our society, we shame.

You smoke a cigarette...
You don't think smokers feel shame?

You don't think smokers are breathing
fucking smoke into their lungs, going,

"I'm a piece of shit.

I'm a parent,
what the fuck am I doing with my life?"

We don't need you to go, "You smell.

[laughter]

You're killing yourself, go outside.

[laughter]

There's a section for people like you."

[laughter]

Like fucking cocaine addicts.

You don't think they feel shame?

Every time a cocaine addict has a line,

they literally have to look at themselves
in the fucking mirror.

[laughter]

You don't compliment a fucking meth addict
who's picking scabs off their face, like,

"You be you.

[laughter]

You're living your best life."

No, but eating, we have to watch people
get fat as fuck

and compliment them? Fuck off.

Should be the same as smoking.
A fat cunt comes into a doughnut store,

the person behind the counter
should be able to go,

"You're gonna have to eat that outside."

[laughter]

They'll go outside with their doughnut...

Aww.

And they'll have
a little roped-off section.

Let's make it small,
give them a fucking incentive.

[laughter]

They can stand out there
with the other fatties

and look at each other and go, "Oh."

[laughter]

"Do you remember when we were allowed
to eat on planes?"

[laughter]

So, anyway, then we go on
through the menu, course number five.

Now, these fancy restaurants
always have a foie gras course.

Foie gras, it's fucking delicious.

I didn't know what it was for years.
I just enjoyed it.

It's this buttery, fucking fleshy thing.
It's delicious.

And then someone showed me a video.
Do you know how they make foie gras?

They get a goose,
then they step on its fucking feet,

and then they pull the goose's neck up,
like this,

and they get what's called
a foie gras funnel,

which is like a funnel
with a big, long tube,

and they shove it down the goose's throat

until the goose looks like
a fucking sword swallower.

[laughter]

And then they force-feed the goose grains,
day and night, right?

And then after that,
they wire the goose's mouth shut

so it can't vomit the food back up.

Because of doing this,
the goose gets cirrhosis of the liver,

and the liver gets fat and yellow,

and that's what gives it
that buttery taste.

[laughter]

My big question is...

[laughter]

...who was the first cunt
to figure that out?

[laughter]

Who...

Who was the first bloke
just to walk up to his mates and just go,

"Hey, guys...

[laughter]

I was torturing geese...

[laughter]

...as I always do...

[laughter]

...and you would not believe
the delicious side effects."

[laughter]

Now, I don't believe in animal cruelty,

uh, but-- but who here, uh, thinks
that we should no longer test on animals?

[cheering and applause]

All right!

-They're what we call fucking idiots.
-[laughter]

If you're a fucking moron
who just applauded,

"There should be no animal testing,"
you fucking basic cunt.

[laughter]

Now, I don't think we should
test on animals

for something as frivolous as makeup.

But when it comes to medicine,

what's our fucking other option?

Let's just think of something
really simple, like acne cream. Right?

You can't just get a cucumber...

[laughter]

...smear the cream on the cucumber
and go,

"No change to cucumber.

[laughter]

Ready for people."

[laughter]

No, you've got to start with a mouse,
don't you?

Smear it on the mouse,
that mouse dissolves.

[laughter]

"First cream not good."

[laughter]

Then you get another cream.

That mouse fucking multiplies
like a mogwai hit with water.

[laughter]

"Better...

[laughter]

...than first cream.

[laughter]

Still...

not good."

[laughter]

Then you get one where it works.
Then you go, "That one's good."

Then you get a rat.

Then you get a rabbit.

Then you get a cat, then you get a dog,
then you get a primate,

then you get a homeless person, a student,
then us.

[laughter]

And that's how we have the medicine.

[laughter]

So moving on,
we go to fucking course number six.

The waiter brings up a cart.

This thing has a dome on the top.

And he rocks up with this fucking thing
with the dome.

He carried all the other food,
but this thing needs a trolley.

[laughter]

And he pulls it off
and there's all these cheeses there.

And he goes, "Your next course
is the fromage," like that.

The fro... Actually, I don't like that.

I don't like that the cunt
called it fromage.

[laughter]

I know it's a little thing,
but it bothers me.

He was just doing it
to Frenchie the fucking experience up.

[laughter]

He could've said "cheese,"
he knows the fucking word's cheese.

Everything else he said in English,
and then he had to say fucking fromage.

-Fuck that cunt.
-[laughter]

You're telling me...

You're telling me that he's, uh...

he's learned the entire English language

but he's just one word short?

[laughter]

I don't like that.

I'll be honest with you here,
and this is being recorded,

and I'm happy to say this
to the whole world.

My most hated group in society...

is Italian Americans.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

And...

And... And... Look, this is a comedy show,

so if there are any Italian Americans
in the room with us this evening,

please know that you're not welcome.

[laughter]

[whistling and applause]

You're a fucking painful bunch of people.

[laughter]

Pick a fucking accent.

Either go Italian or go American,

-but don't flip-flop.
-[laughter]

You'll be in an Italian restaurant,
the waiter will seem normal,

and then he'll fucking change, right?

You'll be in an Italian restaurant,
the guy will go,

"Hey, enjoying your meal?
It's good, right?

My mother, she used to make it
with the mozzarell..."

And you're like...

[laughter]

"What the fuck happened
to that word, cunt?" You...

It's like he had a fucking stroke
in the middle of the fucking word.

Mozzarell...

Fuck you.

[laughter]

That's why I got to give it up
for the Asians.

I like the Asians.

[cheering]

They pick an accent,
and they fucking stick to it.

[laughter]

The Asians either go full Asian,
or they go full American.

They don't go back and forth.

[laughter]

You'll never be in an Asian restaurant
and have the waiter walk up and go,

"Hey, you enjoyed that? You should try it
with some soy-soy."

No, they never do that.

[laughter]

So kudos, Asians. Kudos.

[cheering]

Anyway, so he rocks up
with his fucking cart of cheese.

There's some soft cheeses there,
some Camemberts

and Bries and whatnot.

The most dangerous cheeses of them all.

[laughter]

And I look at the cheese.

And now, this-- this girl,
she does not know of my condition.

[laughter]

And I look at the cheeses,
I look up at him, and I went,

"How long...

[laughter]

...is the rest of the meal?"

[laughter]

And he said, "Uh, maybe, uh, 20 minutes."

I went, "Twenty minutes,
I've got a 15-minute drive.

[laughter]

Fromage me."

[laughter]

And I got myself a big plate of cheese,
and I fucking caned that cunt.

I fucking ate all that.

We got another couple of courses,
they have two dessert courses.

One of the courses, the dessert courses,

might as well have just been called
"lactose."

[laughter]

It was a lactose crumble,
next to a lactose foam,

with a lactose reduction,
with a scoop of ice cream,

then they freeze-dried
some lactose crumble table-side

and sprinkled it on top.

And I looked at it, and I was like this,

"In for a penny, in for a pound."

[laughter]

And I ate that bowl of lactose as well.

Now, what I didn't mention is
the girl I'm on the date with,

she is a very petite girl.

She had given up around course six.

[laughter]

I had also eaten her plate of fromage.

[laughter]

And her bowl of lactose.

[laughter]

Lactose is now coursing through my veins.

I am on borrowed time.

[laughter]

And so I'm sitting there, knowing.

I'm just sort of like,
"All right, we'll be good here.

We'll be good." You know?

I'm listening to her.
"Oh, that's interesting."

[laughter]

And then the waiter comes up and goes,

"Would you like a coffee?"

And I went, "No!

[laughter]

Just the check, please."

[laughter]

So he gets me the check.
Now, we're gonna go back to my place.

Now, I'd been on a few dates
with this girl,

we'd always gone back to her place.

This time was the first night
she was gonna come back to my house.

I was happy about going back to my place
'cause I know where all the toilets are,

I know the distance. There's a lot
of things that were going on there.

And because she was staying at my place,

she goes to me, she goes,
"Oh, we have to stop at the pharmacy...

because there's a-a-a cream that I need,
like a lotion type of thing."

And I said, "That you need?"

[laughter]

And I-I-I said, I said,
"Are you sure you don't want it?"

[laughter]

And she goes, "No, I... No, I need it."

And I said, "I don't know if you know
the difference between wants and needs.

[laughter]

Like, if you need it,

that means that you'll die...

[laughter]

...if you don't have it. So...

Do you need it?"

[laughter]

And she claimed to need it.

So...

we drove off to the pharmacy.

We get in there, right?

We walk in this Rite Aid,

and there's just this wall
of fucking lotions and that type of stuff,

and I thought she needed it
so she would know which one to grab.

[laughter]

But she's just sort of looking at them,
like this. Right?

And I'm doing the "I have to shit myself"
box step.

-[laughter]
-Like this.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

And she can't pick one.

Now, this is the thing,
she has to get a lotion.

I don't understand what's going on

with the whole lotion thing with women,
right? I...

Okay, I've lived with, uh, six girlfriends
in my life.

[laughter]

In my... In my life,
I've lived with six women,

and all six of them have left me.

[laughter]

And sooner or later,
I'm going to blame myself.

[laughter]

But not today.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

Now...

[cheering and applause]

Now, every single woman
I've ever lived with

has a nighttime ritual, where they...

See, I have a bedtime ritual.

What I do is I go to the bathroom,

I have a piss, I brush my teeth,
I go to bed.

[laughter]

I've recently figured out
that I could do them at the same time.

[laughter]

I have a piss and I brush my teeth,
and I spit over, like that...

Now, but the thing with women is
you all go into the bathroom

for, like, 20 minutes,

and you close the door.

And then you come out, and the last thing
you do is you're sort of...

you're rubbing something here.

[laughter]

And then you go like this.

[laughter]

And then you get into bed, and you tell me
what I've done wrong that day.

[laughter]

[applause]

And that's your little nighttime routine.

[laughter]

Now, I don't know
what goes on in that room.

[laughter]

But I assume, I can't be positive,

but I assume you are covering your body
head to toe

in some type of lotion

that you think is vital
for your existence.

[laughter]

Now, I'm 42 years old.

Um...

I-I wear makeup for work.

Like, when I'm on TV,
they put makeup on me.

I never even wipe it off,
I just fucking...

They give me a towelette, and I go,
"Ah, don't worry about it." Then...

[laughter]

It goes away over a week,
and they put it back on.

[laughter]

Apart from that, I-I've worn sunscreen,

but I've never put anything else
on my face. Nothing else my entire life.

Um, I'm arguably an alcoholic.

[laughter]

I... I used to be a heavy smoker.

I've been a cocaine addict.

[cheering]

[laughter]

And my skin is fucking flawless.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

And you want to know why?

Because my skin learned

at a very young age...

[laughter]

...that it couldn't rely on me.

[laughter]

My skin knew
that I was not gonna help it,

so it was like, "All right...

We're going to have to produce
our own oils

if we're gonna keep shit together."

Where women's skin...

Women's skin...

Every day, women's skin is like this,

"I haven't had my special cream."

[laughter]

And that's why you all age so horribly.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

Yeah, I-I don't... I don't do...

as many misogynistic jokes as I used to,

but I like to whip one in there
every now and then.

[laughter]

It's funny because I didn't...
I used to do more back in the day.

But what happened was,

in our society,

people started getting angry at me
because they didn't know I was joking.

Even though my job description
would say...

[laughter]

...that I was possibly joking.

[laughter]

So this is what happens now
with comedians.

For some reason, we're enemy number one.

Every time we do a joke
that you don't like,

you all go,
"Why did you say that?"

"Why..." I get asked at interviews,
"Why would you say that joke?"

And you go,
"I thought it was going to be funny."

[laughter]

It's fucking ridiculous.

I'm in trouble now for jokes that I did
fucking ten years ago.

People ring me up and go,
"You said this joke ten years ago."

Now, our job as comedians is,
okay, if the line's here,

our job is to go right up to the line,
that's our fucking job.

To take risks. To gamble, if you will.

Now, what happens when you gamble?

You don't always win.

[laughter]

Otherwise it wouldn't be called
fucking "gambling."

[laughter]

So, what happens is
we go all the way up to the line,

right, which is fine.

So, on my specials,
I have jokes that have gotten through

standards and practices and lawyers
and everything,

and still gotten on fucking Netflix,

and then you watch it years later,
and you're fucking angry.

Well, go fuck yourself, right?

Because...

[cheering and applause]

Because...

When I told the joke,

the line was here,

and it was socially acceptable, right?

Now you moved the line back to here,
so I won't go there anymore, I won't,

but the line's here.

But you can't get angry

because you moved the line
and then the fucking joke was over here.

[laughter and applause]

And then...

And then you have the audacity
to ask me to maybe apologize

for a fucking joke.

Here's the thing,
I wanted the joke to work.

Sometimes you tell a joke

and it doesn't fucking work.

And then people go, "Why did you do that?"

You go, "I tried to make the joke work,
but it didn't fucking work,

and now you're all upset with me."

[laughter]

It's like if a pilot smashes a plane
into fucking the side of a mountain.

You don't go, "Why did you do that?"

[laughter]

He'll go, "My intention was
to land the plane safely.

[laughter]

But it turns out I failed at my job.

But I didn't...

I didn't wake up in the morning going,
'Smash it!'"

[laughter]

See, it's like, I watched
Dave Chappelle's special.

I watched his special.

I thought it was fucking great.

[cheering and applause]

It was hilarious.

And people got upset,

and they got upset
by different jokes in it.

They get... See, here's the thing.

I didn't enjoy every joke in his special.

Some of the things he said,
I didn't even agree with.

But you know what happened?

When I watched the jokes I didn't enjoy,

I got over it
because I'm not a fucking pussy.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

All right?

And I just listened to the ones
I fucking enjoyed.

See, he said that he thought
that Michael Jackson didn't fuck kids.

Eh.

[laughter]

I think Michael Jackson did fuck kids.

[laughter]

That's how me and Dave differ.

[laughter]

A lot of people have stopped listening
to Michael Jackson's music.

They go, "I won't listen to it anymore.

I won't listen to it anymore."

I still listen to it.

[laughter]

But I only listen to the Jackson 5.

[laughter]

'Cause if he was fucking kids back then,

it was just experimenting,
and there's nothing wrong with that.

[laughter]

I go all the way
to "Blame It on the Boogie,"

and I fucking call it a day.

[laughter]

So, look...

[laughter]

What I'm trying to tell you is...

she couldn't pick which cream she wanted.

[laughter]

And she's looking
at all the different creams.

I'm doing
the "I have to shit myself" box step.

[laughter]

And I think to myself,
"Fuck it, I've got to have a shit."

Now, there's a bathroom
in the back of the, uh, pharmacy,

so I duck off.

Now, at this point of the story,
I got to tell you...

all right, that this girl's a germophobe.

It's vital to the story
that she's a germophobe.

Now, we may have some people in the room
who identify as germophobes and,

to those people...

go fuck yourself.

[laughter, cheering, and applause]

I've... I've never met a person in my life

who's interesting
who's a fucking germophobe.

You're always boring cunts
who tell us all the time

that you're a fucking germophobe.

Being a germophobe is doing
a lot of heavy lifting

for your shit fucking personality.

[laughter]

How dare you act like we're all diseased.

Every time we shake your hand, you go,
"I-I can't because... eh..."

Every time you cook with a germophobe,
you cook and put some scraps in the bin,

you go, "Hey, can you take that out
for the trash for me?"

And they're like, "I'd love to,

but I can't.

[laughter]

Because I'm a germophobe."

And you're like,
"The rest of us are loving it."

You lick the bin, "Aah."

[laughter]

You're not special.

While I'm at it,

people with peanut allergies
can fuck off an' all.

[laughter, cheering, and applause]

Now, I'm not saying that there aren't
people with severe peanut allergies.

There truly are. There's people
who will die if they eat a fucking peanut.

What I'm saying is
it's your fucking problem.

[laughter]

The rest of us don't have to be involved.

Right, like, have you ever been
on a plane lately,

and they go like this, they go,

"Uh, on today's flight,
we will not be serving peanuts,

as there's a person on the flight
with a severe peanut allergy."

And you're like, "All right, well,
don't give them to them, then."

[laughter]

How fucking weak-willed are these cunts?

"Oh, I know it will kill me,
but the salty goodness..."

[laughter]

Like, what do they think the rest of us
are going to fucking do?

Go to the air stewardess, "Uh, excuse me,
uh, who has that peanut allergy?"

[laughter]

[laughter]

What do you think's gonna happen

if someone next to you
eats a fucking peanut?

Do you think peanut particles
will get in the fucking air?

Guess what?
These flights fly back and forth

and back and forth all fucking day.

In between, they hardly clean the planes.

Do you think they'd go on
with a special peanut--

de-peanut-ing machine
and fucking fill the fucking air?

[laughter]

See, you know what I do?

Every time when I'm on a flight
where they serve peanuts,

what I do is I get six or seven peanuts,

and I wedge them down the back
of the fucking seat.

[laughter]

And if someone ever dies,

I'll be the first person to say,

"I was wrong."

[laughter]

Now, I talked earlier about, like,
how I did one misogynistic joke,

and how-- how, at the moment now,

I-I-I don't know if people know
that I'm fucking joking.

It's become very odd now, this tension

that we have

about what's right and what's wrong.

I was on a plane and this fucking...

This woman was trying to put a bag
in the overhead luggage,

and she was shaking, and she can't do it.

And I went to help her,

and she just looked at me and went,
"No, no," like that.

[laughter]

And it's, like, now I'm in trouble
for trying to do a nice thing.

That used to be my one move.

[laughter]

I used to open doors, I used to lift bags,

I used to stand up for pregnant people
on buses.

That was my fucking gig.

-That's what I had going.
-[laughter]

And now, because I tried to help her,
she's, like...

She's, like, angry at me?

Like I'm trying to do
a male patriarchy thing,

where I can lift this better than you.

So I just told her to fuck off.

[laughter]

And...

turns out,
she's just a woman with Parkinson's,

and she did need my help.

[laughter]

But that scenario could've been different
is what I'm saying.

[laughter]

Like, I was in a movie...

I was in a movie with my son.
We were watching...

A couple of years ago, we were watching
the Ghostbusters movie,

the new one with the female cast.

Watching Ghostbusters.
My son, he's four at the time,

and he turns to me watching Ghostbusters,
and he goes,

"This movie's not as good
as the other Ghostbusters."

And I went, "Shut up, shh.

[laughter]

You're not allowed to say that.

This movie's every bit as good
as the other Ghostbusters.

We'll talk about it in the car."

[laughter]

You know, and on reflection,

that movie wasn't as good.

[laughter]

-It was a shit fucking movie.
-[laughter]

Wasn't funny,
the action sequences weren't good,

it was a fucking shit film.

It wasn't shit because women were in it.
It was just shit because it was shit.

[laughter]

You know what I mean?
Like, 'cause that cast...

Paul Feig is the director.

He directed Bridesmaids,
one of my top ten comedies.

The rest of the cast was from that movie,
they'd made good films together.

This one was just a misfire.

But the weird thing that happened was
no one went to see that film,

and then all of a sudden,

men were pigs,

men are fucking misogynistic assholes

because that film didn't do good. No.

It didn't do good because you women
didn't fucking see it either.

If you went and saw the movie...

If you went and saw the movie,
it would have been a success.

But you didn't fucking see it,

then you got angry at us
for not fucking seeing it.

[laughter]

Do you want to know why it didn't do well?
It's an action comedy,

and if you go to any marketing company
that talks about how they sell things,

action comedies primarily
are enjoyed by men.

There might be exceptions to the rule,
but primarily men like action comedies.

Do you want to know why?
Because we're funny,

and we do things, and...

[laughter]

And...

And women like dramas
because you cause drama.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

So my point is...

stop remaking our fucking movies.

Leave our movies alone.

We don't remake your films.

You don't see Brad Pitt and George Clooney
getting together to make

Mystic fucking Pizza of the Sisterhood of
the Ya-Ya Fuckhead Traveling Pants Movie.

[laughter]

We leave your shit alone.

[laughter]

Although there should be some films
that should be remade

with, you know, different casts.

Like, one of my favorite movies
from my childhood was, uh, Nine to Five.

Dolly Parton, Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda.
Fantastic.

It still stands up today.

It's about three women,
they have a boss who's a fucking pig.

Like, it's even poignant right now.
They have a boss who's a pig.

So what they do is they drug him,

and they put him in bondage gear,

and they hang him from the roof
of one of their garages for three weeks.

It's a fun film.

[laughter]

You know, they should do that
with a male cast, right?

So, there's a woman,
you put her in the position of power.

[laughter]

The three employees don't like it,
so they drug her,

and they put her in bondage gear,

and they hang her
from the roof of one of their garages.

It's just a fun film.

[laughter]

Another movie that needs
an opposite remake:

Brokeback Mountain.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

That movie's... It needs it!

[laughter]

The original film is a couple of blokes,
they're working on the land,

they ran out of conversation.

So they went into a tent,
and they fucked each other in the ass.

[laughter]

My film, it's a couple of young lasses,

they're working on the land,
they're doing a man's job.

They get bored,

so they go into a tent,
and they finger-bang each other.

[laughter]

[laughter]

My version doesn't even need a tent.

[laughter]

But one of the things that's happening
in cinema at the moment is,

and I think we can all agree on this...
Okay, so...

So we're done with blackface people.

Stop doing that.

People don't like it.

If-If you're getting ready for Halloween
and you think, "I might do blackface,"

just don't.

[laughter]

It's so much easier to not do blackface.

[laughter]

Like you don't have to do anything.

Just save yourself time.

See, the thing is, with actors now
you've got in movies...

I think we've all agreed
that you can't play outside your race.

It goes back to, like, Mickey Rooney
playing an Asian character

in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Don't play outside your race.
You can only play your race.

I think we can all agree on that now.

Now, there's another thing happening now,
where the gays are getting upset

if heterosexuals are playing
gay people on film.

I'm not sure about that,
but I'm open to discussion.

But here's the thing
that's really fucking pissing me off.

Taron Edgerton, or Egerton, or whatever,

he played Elton John

and Eddie the Eagle.

Two of the ugliest cunts
that have ever lived.

[laughter]

He's really good-looking.
I don't fucking like that.

[laughter]

He's playing uglyface.

How many ugly actors
would like that fucking opportunity?

[yelling] Do the good-looking people
need fucking everything?

[laughter]

Like, Charlize Theron
fucking gains 30 pounds,

and all they say is, "How brave."

[laughter]

You know what's brave?

Being ugly every single fucking day.

[cheering and applause]

So I decide to go off to the toilet,
right? And I'm going off...

[laughter]

And she goes, "Where are you going?"

And there's no point lying anymore,

so I just went like this,

"Um...

I have to shit myself."

[laughter]

And she goes,
"If you take a shit in a public toilet,

then I'll never fuck you again."

I was like,

[exhales]

[laughter]

"It's a very good argument. That's a...

That's what you call a quandary."

[laughter]

So, I went,
"All right, but just fucking hurry up."

So now I'm doing
the "I have to shit myself" jog.

I'm like, "Come on.

[laughter]

Pick a fucking cream.
Pick a cream, any cream.

They're all good.
All of these creams are good."

She's not hurrying up, so I did
what every man has done in a relationship.

Right? And there's a few men in this room

that probably did it this evening
to get here on time.

This is how you hurry up your wife
or your girlfriend.

Every man does this.
This is our special move.

We go out...

and we sit in the car.

[laughter]

And we think,

"This'll send a strong message."

[laughter]

Now, I assume women are like,

"Ah, thank fuck
he's gone to sit in the car."

[laughter]

So, I'm sitting in the car

and I do this move,
where I've leant like this,

I leant all the way down,

and I'm trying to breathe through it,
like I'm in, like, a Lamaze class, like...

[exhales]

[exhales]

And the reason I'm sitting like this

is because my theory is
if I lay flat like this,

the shit won't come out as quickly

-because of gravity, you see?
-[laughter]

If I sit upright,
the shit has an easier way to fall.

[man] Yeah!

And also, sitting like this,
I'm clenching my ass cheeks together.

[laughter]

Because if the shit gets past
the sphincter,

it won't get past the impenetrable barrier

that is me
clenching my ass cheeks together.

Because I'm a fucking genius.

[laughter]

And I'm sitting there,

and I'm watching her
through the window of the pharmacy.

[laughter]

And she selects the cream,
but then she stops a bit. Right?

Then she goes back to get another cream.

So I've got to hurry this up,
so I start honking, just...

Honk!

Honk!

She looks out
like she's really angry with me.

Then she's going to the counter.
I think, "Oh, good, she's coming."

Then she just, like, bumps into a friend.

[laughter]

Starts fucking talking to someone.

So, I thought,
"I'd better step this up a gear."

So, I put the window down,
and I lean my head out the window,

and every time the sliding doors open
like this...

[laughter]

...I went,

"I'm gonna shit myself!

[laughter]

I'm gonna shit myself!"

[laughter]

Now...

I forget that I'm off the telly.

I don't think about it
on a regular basis, right?

So, I'm leaning out the window,
yelling, "I'm gonna shit myself,"

and this 14-year-old kid skateboards by
and goes,

"Good luck with that, Jim."

[laughter]

[applause]

So I'm sitting there yelling,
"I'm gonna shit myself."

Eventually she comes out,

she gets in the car,
and, like, obviously she's upset.

She has reason.

I have been yelling,
"I'm going to shit myself,"

and honking the horn.

[laughter]

She sits next to me and she goes,
"I cannot believe..."

And I went, "No time to fight!

[laughter]

This is not a drill."

[laughter]

And I fucking fishtail
out of the fucking car park.

Now I'm in Ventura,
and I'm whizzing through traffic.

She's holding on, fucking...

The cream's bouncing around.

I see the Golden Arches, I see McDonald's.
I turned to her, I said,

"Could I please have a shit
in the McDonald's?

[laughter]

McDonald's are renowned
for how clean they keep their toilets.

I won't even sit on the seat.

I'll just hover and spray."

[laughter]

To that, I received a firm, "No."

[laughter]

So I have to make a decision.

My house is five minutes away.

Her house is three minutes away.

I-I make a call.
I've got to go to her house,

it's the only way I'll make it, right?

Now, this...

This kills me.

Every day I think about this, right?

If I went to her house to begin with,

I never would've had to stop
to get the cream.

[laughter]

So, anyway, we get into her house...

we get in the driveway,
she has a long driveway.

I park the car.

I get out. I'm already like this,

"Come on!"

"Come on!"

[laughter]

She's got the keys,
so none of my running's helping.

She's just fucking in heels,
just going through her bag.

I'm going, "Come on!"

Now she's stopped being angry,
she just finds this hilarious.

[laughter]

She's just laughing.

We get to the door.

Right, now, you know when you've really...

you've... you really have needed
to do a shit?

It could be five minutes,

it could be five hours,

but there was an amount of time
where you were desperate to do a shit.

Then you get to within 12 feet
of the toilet.

[laughter]

And your asshole
starts to reward itself...

[laughter]

for all the good work that you've put in.

[laughter]

Your asshole goes, "Yeah, we did it!

[laughter]

We did it! We did it as a team!

And that's my favorite thing:
that we did it together!"

[laughter]

'Cause you always get to the toilet,
you always go...

"Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!"

Pooooooof!

[laughter and applause]

You never go... seat...

Poof!

No.

Why is it that you always just made it?

You're not that lucky.

There aren't that many coincidences
in the world...

[laughter]

...that you always just made it.

It's that your asshole has its own brain
and a, like, Pavlovian response.

So anyway...

I get up to the door,

and I'm going, "Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!"

And I'm, like, really yelling.

She walks up, she gets the keys out,
she's laughing.

She goes to put the keys in the door,

she drops the keys.

-[laughter]
-[woman] Oh!

The keys hit the ground,

and I shit myself.

[laughter]

[applause]

And this isn't just like
a little warning squirt of, like,

"All right, there's more
where this came from."

And it wasn't like
a full evacuation either.

It wasn't just like a full...
"Pooof" like this.

It was the weirdest thing.
It was just shit coming out of me

in a steady meter, just...

[laughter]

No pushing.

-[laughter]
-No pushing.

Everything from liquids to solids
and everything in between.

[laughter]

And I'd gone from being all "Aaagh!"
to just a calmness...

[laughter]

...came over me. I was just...

[laughter]

And my jeans are filling up.

[laughter]

And instantly, the... the smell
of human fecal matter

has filled the air.

And for the first time,
she gets her ass into gear

and she goes, "Oh, fuck!"

And she grabs the keys...

[laughter]

And I went, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

[laughter]

No point hurrying anymore.

[laughter]

You take your time."

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

All right.

Now, before I go,

I'm gonna tell a very, very
quick little story.

Um... My mother passed away
a few months ago,

and, um, when my mother died...

Look, my mother, uh was never...

Yeah, look, here's the deal.

My mother's not a-- wasn't a funny woman.

She had no...

no sense of humor,

never found me funny.

She never watched anything that I did
and went, "That was funny."

-But she was always...
-[laughter]

She was always very supportive of me.

And, you know, the only per...
she was the only one in my life,

the only one,

that I bagged on my mother so much,

I called her Gunta, she was the butt
of so many fucking jokes that I said.

And I'll give her this,
she never complained,

not fucking once.

Not once.

[cheering and applause]

So...

I'd like to tell one story

where she comes out of it
a little bit cooler.

Right?

Now, when I was about 13
and my brother was about 17,

we were home watching, uh, Star Wars.
Right? We were home watching Star Wars.

I was on the Throne of Misery,
my brother was on the couch,

watching Star Wars.

My brother Scott,
who's a fucking nutjob, right,

he turns to me and he goes,
"Hey, Jim, get me a Coke."

And I went, "Get your own fucking Coke,
I'm not gonna get you a Coke."

And he goes, "Get me a Coke
or I'll piss on the carpet."

[laughter]

"What? What?"

[laughter]

"Get me a Coke
or I'll piss on the carpet."

I go, "I'm not getting you
a fucking Coke."

And he's going, "So you'd rather
I just pissed on the carpet?"

I go, "I guess
that's what I'm fucking telling you."

[laughter]

And my brother walks to the middle
of the living room,

stands in front of me,

gets out his cock,

starts pissing on the carpet,

and he looks at me and he goes,

"I don't know why you constantly find
the need to cause trouble.

[laughter]

It would have been so easy for you
just to get a Coke,

but, no, not Jim, has to be difficult."

Then he shakes his cock, puts it away,

goes back, lies down.

Now, this is the bit
that fucking kills me.

[laughter]

He doesn't get a Coke.

[laughter]

So, I was sitting there, you know,

40 degrees Celsius, no air conditioning,
fucking...

a puddle of urine in the middle
of the living room, just steaming upwards.

Now we're onto about... We're probably
on Return of the Jedi by now.

My mom comes in,

and she does that thing
that parents do when they have no words.

She walks in,

just to see the urine in the middle,
and she went like this,

"Why?

[laughter]

Who... Who would...

Who would... Why?"

[laughter]

And then she went, "Every fucking day
it's something different.

Every day."

[laughter]

And then she went, "Who did this?"

And I didn't want to get in trouble,
so I went, "Scott did it."

And she turned to Scott and she goes,
"What did you do that for?"

And he went,
"I told Jim to get me a Coke,

or I'd piss on the carpet."

[laughter]

And my mother turns to me and goes...

[imitates hard slap]

[laughter]

"Why didn't you get him a Coke?
You know he's fucking mental."

[laughter]

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.

-[cheering and applause]
-Good night. I appreciate it, I really do.

[rock music plays]

[cheering and applause continues]