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1
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Fast-paced music
2
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:25,960
Slurping
3
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,000
He grunts
Argh!
4
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:31,000
Hyah! A real muslim
Wouldn't be into this, bro.
5
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:33,800
Shafi, do something!
6
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:39,960
I'm sorry, mr abdulla.
7
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:42,640
Mohammed salah!
8
00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:43,960
She hisses
9
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,960
Ho, ho, ho, ho-o-o-o!
10
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,960
Gol, gol, gol, gol, gol, gol, gol!
11
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:50,960
Wind blows
12
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,960
Where'd she go, bruv?
Abdulla gasps
13
00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,960
Pow! You see that shot, bruv?
14
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,960
All them years at the
Chelsea academy weren't for nothing.
15
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,960
Having a replica shirt doesn't mean
You were part of the academy, shafi.
16
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,320
Let's go.
Hold on, man, wait.
17
00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:08,960
They're gonna let that thing
Get away with it. Hey, big man!
18
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:10,160
No, no,
They're not gonna do anything
19
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:11,960
Unless we keep our mouths shut.
Let's go.
20
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:13,960
Why you always backing the police,
Man?
21
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:15,960
You know pigs are not halal.
22
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:17,960
I'm trying to stop us
From getting arrested.
23
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:19,960
Arrest...
There's an islamophobic vampire
24
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:21,960
Running around in these streets,
Bro! Oh, my god.
25
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:23,960
Can you hear yourself?!
They'll have you sectioned.
26
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,960
Who's gonna section me, bruv?
Shafi sighs
27
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:28,960
Look, we can't just
Sit around and do nothing, yeah?
28
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,960
Look what I found. Mistress kathy?
29
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:31,960
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
30
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,960
This looks like a job
For the lost bhais.
31
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,000
"The lost bhais"?
32
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:37,960
I thought you didn't
Run with the gang no more.
33
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:38,960
The lost bhais ain't no gang, man.
34
00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:40,960
They're just the cool kids
From the masjid.
35
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,960
We deal dawah instead of...
Other things now.
36
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:45,640
Ok, and they don't need to get
Involved, ok? She's not a vampire.
37
00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:47,320
She's probably an... Addict,
Or something.
38
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,960
I know you don't bang gym, yeah,
But even you are not weak enough
39
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:51,960
To be put in a chokehold
By a skinny little crackhead.
40
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:54,960
Ok, then maybe she's, like,
A crazy white lady, you know?
41
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:58,320
And given your dating history,
Surely you know how much damage
42
00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:01,960
A gori with a screw loose can do?
43
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,960
Is there something
You're not telling me, fam? Hm?
44
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:05,960
Like...
45
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,960
Oh. Is this some kind of
Kinky new sex thing you're into?
46
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:10,960
All right, listen, I get it now.
47
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,960
Look, hospital's
A classic scenario...
48
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,640
You've been watching
Way too much porn, shafi.
49
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:16,640
There's a scientific explanation
To all of this.
50
00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:17,960
Just let me figure it out
On my own, ok?
51
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:19,960
Shafi sucks teeth
Ok.
52
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,960
But if them vampires come for you,
53
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:23,960
You tell 'em your cousin
Fights like khabib, bruv!
54
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,960
Ok. I will.
Good.
55
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,800
How do I get out?
56
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,960
Straight down on the left, shafi.
57
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:33,960
Baow!
58
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,960
Sirens
In the distance
59
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:53,960
I say.
60
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,640
Crawling around in the dirt
Rather suits you, katherine.
61
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:59,640
Well, maybe you should
Come and join me, charles?
62
00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:02,960
Or has that imported
Third-world blood made you lazy?
63
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:07,960
You know our rules.
Your indian lover boy needs to go.
64
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,160
Otherwise, we might have to step in.
65
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:12,960
And do what, exactly?
66
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,960
Slap him with a white glove
And demand satisfaction?
67
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,960
How about we bury you both alive?
68
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:20,480
She hisses,
They hiss
69
00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:21,960
All hiss
70
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,960
She coughs
71
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,960
They snigger
72
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:38,960
Ah...
73
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:49,960
Abs.
74
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,960
Are you all right?
We heard what happened.
75
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,960
The nurses said you were beaten up
By some lady.
76
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,640
No, just some patient
With real housewife delusions
77
00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:58,960
Trying to pick a fight
With the nearest male. Heh!
78
00:03:58,960 --> 00:03:59,960
Well, we were worried.
I'm fine!
79
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:01,960
There's nothing to be worried about.
80
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:04,960
I'm not so sure.
81
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,960
Public displays of violent passion?
82
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,960
Secrecy about your sex life?
83
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:12,960
Food with no seasoning?
84
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:15,480
I think abdulla's got a girlfriend.
85
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:16,960
And she's white!
86
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,960
Shut it, chris, ok?
We've been over this.
87
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,960
It's not nice to make fun
Of abs' girl problems, all right?
88
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:22,960
"Girl problems"?
89
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:26,960
You know what...
90
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,960
I... Do have a new girlfriend.
91
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,960
Mm, you're right.
92
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:35,960
That is why I've been acting
A little differently recently.
93
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:38,960
It's a, er, new relationship buzz.
94
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,960
Zzz.
Are-are you serious?
95
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,960
What's her name, then?
96
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:44,960
Abdulla scoffs
Kathy.
97
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,000
And she's definitely real?
98
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,960
Not one of those anime body pillows,
Or a tinder bot?
99
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,960
Yes, she's real, you dickhead.
That's amazing, abs.
100
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,960
So, erm, when do we get to meet her?
101
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:54,960
Sorry, what?
102
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:56,960
Well, frank wanted
To invite you over,
103
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,160
To say thanks for taking the shifts.
104
00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,960
He makes a mean dosa, apparently.
So...
105
00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:02,960
Why don't you bring her?
Maybe tomorrow evening?
106
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,960
No. I'd love to,
But she works nights.
107
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:06,960
Oh, is she a doctor, too?
108
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:08,960
Not exactly.
She is real, right?
109
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:12,320
Yes, she's real! I'll bring her, ok?
110
00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:16,960
Er... Erm, tell frank
Not to use any garlic.
111
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,960
She's garlic...
112
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:20,960
Free.
113
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,960
Is that a thing now, or something?
Drop the gluten too, love.
114
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:25,960
This is a white girl
We're talking about.
115
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,960
Oh, god, not again.
116
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,960
Abdulla,
I thought you'd be working tonight.
117
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:17,960
I'm heading to amrita's
For a dinner party. Mm.
118
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:21,640
What's this all about?
Oh, this?
119
00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:24,160
This is nothing.
Listen, you go have fun.
120
00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:26,480
Candles, your fine china...
121
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,960
And is that a decanter
Of your finest mango rubicon?
122
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,960
You're not on a date tonight,
Are you, mum?
123
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,960
She laughs
No, no, no.
124
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,000
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
125
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:40,160
Just setting the atmosphere
For a bit of self-love tonight.
126
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:41,960
"Self-love"?
Mm.
127
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,960
You mean a bollywood movie
And a ready-meal curry, right?
128
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,160
A little more romantic than that,
Thanks.
129
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:48,960
Enjoy it, mum.
130
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,320
Keys jangle
131
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:53,960
Door opens
132
00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,960
Phone chimes, vibrates,
Door closes
133
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,480
Sirens
In the distance
134
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,960
Doorbell rings
135
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,960
Ikhlaq?
Er, no. It's kathy.
136
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,960
Salam alai... Klum.
137
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,960
Er, is-is abdulla in?
138
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,960
Sorry, are you the bin lady?
Oh, yeah, that.
139
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,000
That was just the old, er,
Walk of shame, you know?
140
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:46,160
The what?
Er, we're involved, abdulla and I.
141
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:47,960
Laughing: I don't think so.
142
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,960
I mean, you're not exactly his type.
143
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,960
And what is his type?
144
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,000
Well, he only goes for muslim girls,
For one.
145
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,960
Well, it's a good thing
I've converted.
146
00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,480
What, he hasn't told you about me?
He hasn't.
147
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,960
Mm. Strange that he hasn't
Mentioned his girlfriend.
148
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,960
Fiancee. Muslims
Don't do boyfriend, girlfriend.
149
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,960
You're either his fiancee,
Or you're not involved.
150
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:08,800
Well, that's the thing, mrs khan.
151
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,640
It wasn't exactly
The most romantic of proposals.
152
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,960
Mightn't it be best if we,
Er, discussed this as a three?
153
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,160
Where is he?
154
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:20,960
Dinner party, with his friends.
Weren't you invited?
155
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,960
I get my dinner at the mosque
These days.
156
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,480
Mightn't you have the address?
157
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:26,960
Sorry, you're his fiancee
158
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,960
And he hasn't told you
Where he's going?
159
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,960
Men! What are they like, eh?
160
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:43,160
Thank you so much, mrs khan.
161
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:45,480
Or should I, er, say...
162
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:47,960
Mother-in-law!
163
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,960
Wind blows
164
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,000
Oh...
165
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,960
Grime music
From car
166
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:05,960
Hey!
167
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,960
Music stops
That your pussy cousin abs?
168
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,960
Is this your ghetto ferrari, shafi?
169
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:15,960
That's right.
What you doing here?
170
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:17,800
I'm dealing with
The vampire problem, bruv.
171
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:18,960
What are you doing here?
172
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,960
Look, all the lost bhais
Came back through.
173
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,480
Even maajid. Out of hospital,
No thanks to you. Hm!
174
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,960
Yeah, I hear the vampire's
After you, too, now, huh?
175
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,960
Believe me now, doc?
Like I said, maajid,
176
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,160
Your issues were far more likely
To be drug-related.
177
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,960
Pfft... Come on,
Look at this coconut, man.
178
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:34,960
You for real?
179
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,960
Sticking up for whites, even
Though they're blood-sucking ghouls.
180
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,960
You're movin' so mad, you know?
Like I said to shafi,
181
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,800
It's under control.
"Under control"?
182
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,960
Last time I checked,
It was you who needed me to stop you
183
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:45,960
From getting shish-kebabed.
Yeah, truss.
184
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:46,960
Thank you so much for that, shafi,
185
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,960
But honestly,
It's all under control.
186
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,960
I don't need anybody's help,
Not least from the guys
187
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,960
Who could barely get past
Alif baa taa in quran class.
188
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,800
Is there something
You're not telling me, fam?
189
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,960
Are you involved with
This vampire lady, bruv?
190
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:05,960
Is she your little...
Side order of mattar paneer?
191
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,960
Oh, come on, man! Look at him.
Abdulla ain't got no game.
192
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,960
All laugh
193
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:13,960
Laughter continues,
Abdulla laughs mockingly
194
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:17,480
Cos "Having game" is so islamic,
Is it, boys?
195
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,960
Look, I've checked myself,
There's no-one up there.
196
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,960
Aye, whatever you say, fam.
197
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,960
Just be careful round here, innit?
Mm...
198
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,960
This estate's whiter
Than a millwall crowd. Ha-ha!
199
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,960
Thanks for your concern, shafi.
200
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,960
Good night.
201
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:35,160
Shafi sucks teeth
202
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:37,800
Shafi sniffs
203
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,960
Something don't smell right,
You know.
204
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,960
Who is it? Was it you?
205
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,960
Well, that went well. Come on, bro.
Sorry, bro.
206
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:48,960
Car engine turning over,
Grime music on stereo
207
00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:58,960
Doorbell rings
208
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,960
You haven't, er, moved in, have you?
209
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,960
Oh, no, I'm just chilling here
210
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,960
Till the rugby season starts
Back home, eh?
211
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:07,960
He means till he gets deported.
Yeah.
212
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:08,960
Hi.
Hello.
213
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,960
You look really nice.
Giggling: thanks.
214
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,960
Chris? What are you doing here?
215
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,960
Well, I just had to meet
The infamous kathy, didn't I?
216
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,960
So, go on, then.
Where's she hiding?
217
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,960
As you may well have guessed...
218
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,000
There is no kathy.
Ah, ha!
219
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:24,960
I knew it!
220
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,800
Shut it, chris.
So, who was she?
221
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:28,960
Was she, like, some 40-year-old
Male catfish, hm? Come on, abs.
222
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,960
Let's get you sat down.
Oh, come on!
223
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,960
Stop it.
Ow!
224
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,000
What's wrong with you, bruv?
225
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,960
So, what's going on?
Oh, I'm sorry.
226
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,960
I guess I just wanted
You guys off my back
227
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,960
About this whole girlfriend thing.
228
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,480
Abs, do you really think we care
If you're single or not?
229
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:46,960
I dunno.
230
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:50,800
This whole relationship thing
Seems so easy for you guys.
231
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:52,480
I just can't figure it out.
232
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,160
Have you considered
Arranged marriage?
233
00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:55,960
Both: what?!
234
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,640
I know there's a stigma attached,
235
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,960
But I was reading something
In gal-dem, which I love.
236
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,000
Are you seriously gonna
Whitesplain arranged marriage to us?
237
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,800
No, no, no, no, no.
It's like we were talking earlier.
238
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:06,960
Isn't it great
That your culture has an option
239
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,160
For guys who can't get laid -
Like abs, here?
240
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,960
I don't see india
With an incel problem.
241
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:11,960
Frank, if you don't shut up,
242
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,480
I'm gonna priti patel your arse
Back to south africa.
243
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,960
It's...
It's progressive, if anything.
244
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,960
You know, some people really just
Aren't cut out for the dating world.
245
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,960
You know what? I think
I better leave you guys to it.
246
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,000
Abs, abs. No!
Abs, no!
247
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,960
Evening... Hubby.
248
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:36,960
Hello, everyone.
249
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:37,960
I'm kathy.
250
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:43,960
She sighs
251
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:50,960
Salaam alaikum.
Oh, my...
252
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,960
Salaam alaikum.
Salaam alaikum, auntie bush.
253
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,640
Shafi!
Is abdulla in?
254
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:56,960
No, he's out.
Ok, we need to find him.
255
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,960
We think he's been hypnotised
By a va... Aw, sick, bombay mix!
256
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:00,960
Ooh!
What's going on?
257
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,960
Ok, so, she looks like
Some skinny white chick,
258
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,960
But in reality,
She's a blood-sucking...
259
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,960
Here, uncle eran just got deported.
The bin lady?
260
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,800
Yes, have you seen her?
Yeah, she were here earlier,
261
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,960
And she said that she and abdulla
Are now "Involved".
262
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,000
Astaghfirullah, it's worse
Than we thought. Ah, no, no.
263
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,960
I'm sure there's a perfectly fine
Explanation for all...
264
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,960
You know, auntie,
Don't even worry about it.
265
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,960
It's ok, we can handle it.
Can't we? Mandem!
266
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:22,960
Mm?
Let's go. Let's go, bro.
267
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,960
Ikhlaq?
Dad?
268
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:28,960
Ikhlaq, uncle, what you doing...?
269
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,000
Door opens,
Closes
270
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,800
Is there garlic in this?
271
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,960
No. Abdulla said that you don't...
Wonderful!
272
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,960
Ok...
So, erm...
273
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,960
How did you two meet?
274
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,960
Bus stop.
The club.
275
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,960
The, er,
The bus stop in farringdon.
276
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,960
It's a house night.
277
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,960
♪ wow, wow, wow, wow... ♪
278
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,960
Right.
So, what do you do?
279
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,960
I'm a part-time dominatrix.
280
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:16,960
Oh. How did you get into that?
281
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,640
Well...
282
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,960
There's always small-dicked men
Willing to pay loads of money
283
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,960
To be told that they're worthless.
284
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,160
Not me, of course.
285
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,960
Don't shame her, abdulla.
Sex work is work.
286
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,960
I'm not shaming her, frank.
287
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:29,960
I'm just not into that.
288
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,960
Oh, really?
289
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,960
Well, maybe someone needs to be
Put back in their place, then.
290
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,960
God! You're a fun bunch.
291
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,960
Some of us are just a little more
Uptight in the bedroom...
292
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:45,320
Frank! We're not talking about that
At the dinner table. What the fuck?
293
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,960
He whimpers
294
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:56,960
Kathy, er, honey, darling,
Can we have a chat, please?
295
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:57,960
Hm.
296
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,960
It's been really lovely
Meeting you all.
297
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:09,960
Oh-ho-ho. Oh...
298
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:11,960
What the fuck are you doing here?!
299
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,960
I'm cleaning up a little mess
Of my own making.
300
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:17,960
I may have accidentally,
Er, turned you into a, erm...
301
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,320
Vampire.
302
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,960
Fu-u-u-u-uck.
303
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:32,960
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
304
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:36,960
No. Oh... I fucking knew it.
305
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,000
God, you don't need to cry about it.
306
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,000
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
No, no, no, no.
307
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,960
My mum tried to have me exorcised,
You tried to kill me,
308
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:46,960
And I can't even look at my cousin
Without wanting to neck him.
309
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,160
What else am I
Supposed to fucking do?!
310
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:50,960
He exhales sharply
311
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,960
Mm...
312
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,960
Why don't you come
And have a little drink with me?
313
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,960
He groans
314
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,960
It's non-alcoholic.
She chuckles
315
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:06,480
Pure, extra virgin
And 100% halal blood,
316
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:09,000
Which once belonged
To your little mate maajid.
317
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,960
Are you insane?!
318
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:15,960
Oh. Oh, it's the girlfriend
Experience you want, is it?
319
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,960
Mmm...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
320
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,960
I just want to know
How to put a stop to all of this.
321
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,960
Mmm... Come on, abdulla.
322
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:30,480
Come and drink a little maajid.
323
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:36,960
Music: 'garden of delight'
324
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,960
That's it.
325
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:48,960
Music continues
326
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:59,960
Mmm, mmm...
327
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:12,960
Mmm, mmm...
328
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,960
He nickers
329
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,960
We don't know...
Ugh...
330
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,960
What the fuck?
Urgh!
331
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,960
Can't a girl get some peace?
332
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,960
Word of advice, abs.
333
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:27,960
It is polite to ask before you start
334
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:30,960
Making onlyfans content
In someone's bedroom!
335
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:32,960
Fucking millennials!
336
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,000
Where are you?! Come and face me!
337
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,960
What the fuck...?
338
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,480
Is this why you bit me?
339
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,160
You're into brown men?
340
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:13,320
What can I say?
341
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:17,960
I have the same taste in men
As princess diana.
342
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,960
Both hiss
343
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,160
Snarling
344
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:24,960
She hisses,
He growls
345
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:28,960
Both grunt
346
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,960
All right, are we ready, lads?
Yeah!
347
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:39,000
Ready!
Come, come, come.
348
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,960
Nah, next one, next one, next one.
349
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:42,960
Hey, bruv!
350
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:43,960
Is that my bat, bruv?
351
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,960
You-you-you said bring a stick, bro?
You clown! I meant...
352
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:47,960
Obvious... Fuck it, fuck it.
353
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,960
It's cool, it's cool, cool.
Come, come, come.
354
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:50,960
Ready, yeah?!
Yeah.
355
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,960
Both grunting
356
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,960
Both pant
357
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:58,480
Panting
358
00:19:58,480 --> 00:19:59,960
Shafi sucks teeth
359
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,960
Both grunt,
She squeals
360
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,960
He growls
361
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:09,960
Ooh...
362
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,960
Oh, you like that, mr abdulla?
363
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,960
She pants
364
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,960
He groans
365
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,800
He grunts
366
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,960
Oh!
Oh.
367
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:21,960
He cries out
368
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,000
No, no, no, no!
369
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:26,800
I'm so sorry, mr abdulla.
370
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,960
It was a mistake.
I shouldn't have turned you.
371
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:31,960
It's against the rules.
And if I don't kill you, they will!
372
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,960
Knocking at door
373
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,960
Flippety fuck! Can't a woman
Have a minute's peace?!
374
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,960
Shafi: we know you've got him
Trapped in there, vampire lady!
375
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,960
Come out with your arms up!
376
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:42,960
Ah, I see you brought back-up.
377
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:45,960
Bro, bro, what if she's got a gat?
We don't stand a chance then...
378
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,960
She doesn't have a gun, bruv.
She's a fucking vampire!
379
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:50,960
Us muslims disagree
On everything from pre-marital sex
380
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:54,960
To whether marshmallows are halal,
But we look after our own.
381
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:56,960
If you don't let me go,
They will kill you.
382
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:59,960
Well, maybe I'll just have
To kill the lot of you, then!
383
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:00,960
We've got stakes!
384
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,480
And-and we ain't afraid to use 'em!
385
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:04,960
And a bat too!
386
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,960
Why did you tell her you have a bat,
Bruv?
387
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,960
He sucks teeth
Vampires love bats.
388
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,000
Argh...
389
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,960
Both pant
390
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:21,640
All right,
I'm gonna kick this door down.
391
00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:23,960
Move, move, move. Come on.
Go on, brother, go on, big one.
392
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,960
Shafi yells
Whoa! It's me.
393
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:29,160
Abs!
I'm sorry, shafi.
394
00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:33,000
There's something...
Someone I've been hiding from you.
395
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,960
This is my... Girlfriend.
Oh!
396
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:38,000
Both giggle
Kathy.
397
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:42,960
Oh. Ah.
She giggles
398
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,960
All: ugh...
You're so cute when you do that.
399
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,960
Ain't no boyfriend girlfriend t'ings
In islam, bro.
400
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,960
That's your fiancee.
Oh!
401
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:53,480
Both giggle
402
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:56,960
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