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1
00:00:00,751 --> 00:00:04,088
Get the birthday candle ready because...
2
00:00:04,254 --> 00:00:07,841
...here comes Chestnut's carrot cake.
3
00:00:08,384 --> 00:00:11,512
I know we want this to be special,
but Chestnut is a horse.
4
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:15,974
Any day he's not being made
into an IKEA meatball is a birthday.
5
00:00:17,309 --> 00:00:19,769
And remember,
even though it's his 10th birthday...
6
00:00:19,937 --> 00:00:23,190
...we have to pretend he's 6
or he'll be in a bad mood all week.
7
00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:27,236
Surprise.
8
00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:30,823
-Happy birthday, Chestnut.
-Happy birthday, Chestnut.
9
00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:32,741
Max. He was supposed to do that.
10
00:00:32,908 --> 00:00:34,576
What? I know what he wished for.
11
00:00:34,784 --> 00:00:38,246
That one day, he and I live in a world
where our love is recognized...
12
00:00:38,414 --> 00:00:40,915
...and we have the same rights
as gay couples.
13
00:00:41,082 --> 00:00:43,085
There you go, baby.
14
00:00:43,668 --> 00:00:46,005
Hey, look, his shoe just fell off.
15
00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:50,426
Or maybe he kicked it off
because he's getting ready to party.
16
00:00:50,593 --> 00:00:52,887
What are we gonna do?
We don't have any money.
17
00:00:53,052 --> 00:00:56,097
I wanted a massage,
so I just sat next to someone on the bus...
18
00:00:56,307 --> 00:00:58,475
...who looked like he'd touch me.
19
00:00:59,018 --> 00:01:01,353
I may have an idea how we can get them.
20
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:05,441
A guy I picked up at Oktoberfest
is a blacksmith. At least I think he was.
21
00:01:05,608 --> 00:01:09,361
I remember a leather apron
and something being heated in a fire.
22
00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:24,043
Well, I found my blacksmith.
23
00:01:24,210 --> 00:01:28,631
He now shares an artisan barn with a lady
who makes clothing out of bees.
24
00:01:29,173 --> 00:01:31,257
That's why our cupcake shop didn't work.
25
00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:34,385
We weren't providing a service
that everyone needs.
26
00:01:34,552 --> 00:01:38,057
He looked at our boy, and not only
does Chestnut need four new shoes...
27
00:01:38,223 --> 00:01:39,766
...he has a hoof fungus.
28
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:43,145
A hoof fungus? That's so ghetto.
29
00:01:43,311 --> 00:01:46,272
I'm pretty sure he got it from me
because we shower together.
30
00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:50,485
And the cost of new shoes and vet fee,
$1400.
31
00:01:50,652 --> 00:01:53,739
Ugh, Max, I feel awful. I'm a bad mother.
32
00:01:53,906 --> 00:01:57,575
You're not a bad mother.
I know bad mothers. I came out of one.
33
00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:01,246
Ladies, what's happening over there?
34
00:02:01,412 --> 00:02:05,417
You know a gathering of more than
two white people makes me nervous.
35
00:02:06,626 --> 00:02:09,587
-Earl, one of them's Asian.
-Ah, same thing.
36
00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:12,216
Who would I talk to about the diner?
37
00:02:12,383 --> 00:02:15,260
We're interested in renting this location
to film a TV show.
38
00:02:15,426 --> 00:02:18,681
We think your diner would be a great place
to kill someone.
39
00:02:18,848 --> 00:02:21,850
I get it. Because every time I come in here,
I die a little.
40
00:02:22,016 --> 00:02:25,145
Here's my card. Tom Woo,
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.
41
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:28,189
Shut your face, Tom Woo.
42
00:02:28,356 --> 00:02:31,985
I love all the Law & Orders,
especially SVU.
43
00:02:32,151 --> 00:02:34,280
Their stories are ripped
from the headlines.
44
00:02:34,445 --> 00:02:37,740
And I don't read the newspaper,
so that's where I get all my news.
45
00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:40,411
Cool. Let me go get the director.
That's him.
46
00:02:40,911 --> 00:02:43,372
Look how cute the director is.
47
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:46,125
He's my rugged-guy type.
Not really rugged at all...
48
00:02:46,292 --> 00:02:50,086
...but buys expensive rugged-looking
clothing from Saks Fifth Avenue.
49
00:02:50,753 --> 00:02:52,631
Hi, D.J. Kingsley.
50
00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:56,551
Nice beard. You grow out that stubble,
or just set your razor to "Jason Statham"?
51
00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:59,013
Heh. Excuse me, sir.
52
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:02,140
You've got a great face.
Have you ever done any extra work?
53
00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:07,354
Well, I was in the 1973 classic,
Scream, Blackula, Scream.
54
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:13,235
Pam Grier kicked me in the nuts
and called me a jive turkey.
55
00:03:13,401 --> 00:03:16,030
I'd love to have your look
in the episode.
56
00:03:16,195 --> 00:03:19,115
What about me? You can shave my head,
drag me behind a car...
57
00:03:19,283 --> 00:03:21,618
...or anything else
I've already done for free.
58
00:03:21,784 --> 00:03:26,581
Sure. And you must be an actress.
You're way too pretty to just be a waitress.
59
00:03:27,081 --> 00:03:31,420
Thank you, heh. In fact,
I have done a little acting.
60
00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:36,925
In high school, I portrayed Fantine
in Les Misérables.
61
00:03:37,468 --> 00:03:41,013
Just hearing you say that
makes me miserable.
62
00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:45,099
How about it? You wanna hang with me
and be an extra on Special Victims Unit?
63
00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:48,145
It pays 112 a day
plus whatever you normally make in tips.
64
00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:52,983
Oh, so about 115? I'm in.
Mama needs a new pair of horse shoes.
65
00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:54,985
So where's the boss?
66
00:03:55,151 --> 00:03:57,780
I'm the boss.
But I'll get the guy who owns the place.
67
00:03:58,656 --> 00:04:00,907
Oleg, they're shooting a TV show here...
68
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:04,370
...and the back of my head
or the side of my boob is gonna be in it.
69
00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:05,621
Good for you, Max.
70
00:04:05,788 --> 00:04:08,122
I was on Ukraine's version
of Big Brother once...
71
00:04:08,289 --> 00:04:11,168
...better known as "just living in Ukraine."
72
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:16,423
Han, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
wants to shoot in the diner...
73
00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:20,718
...and if you don't say yes, you'll be
my special victim when I cut your unit off.
74
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:24,473
Please say yes, Han. They're gonna pay us
to be in the background.
75
00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:26,225
But do you know how to act?
76
00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:27,559
Actually we do.
77
00:04:27,725 --> 00:04:32,064
My acting's Method,
whereas hers is more meth head.
78
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,108
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
79
00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:38,278
Hey, come in. And remember,
if he says no, he doesn't mean it.
80
00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:40,822
He just wants you to flirt with him
a little bit.
81
00:04:40,990 --> 00:04:42,240
Not so fast, Max.
82
00:04:42,408 --> 00:04:45,494
Hello, I'm Han Lee,
the owner and proprietor.
83
00:04:45,661 --> 00:04:48,997
Oh, proprietor?
That word's bigger than you are.
84
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:54,293
-What kind of compensation do you want?
-Whoa, whoa, my Asian brother.
85
00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:58,090
-Slow down. Let's enjoy the dance.
-We'd like to shoot here.
86
00:04:58,257 --> 00:05:02,593
-It's got the right amount of funk and skank.
-Ah! If we do real good and get a spin-off...
87
00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:06,098
...that'll be the name of our show,
Funk and Skank.
88
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:07,975
Okay, but I don't wanna be Skank.
89
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:11,269
Oh, clearly I'm Skank.
90
00:05:11,437 --> 00:05:15,940
And may I say I'm honored I have such
a worthy opponent to barter with.
91
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:19,403
(SPEAKS IN KOREAN)
92
00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:21,612
Dude, I'm from Pasadena.
93
00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:26,285
I never thought I'd be on a TV show...
94
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:29,913
...where no one was yelling,
"You are not the father."
95
00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:34,877
MAN:
Let's go. Bring in the waitress extras.
96
00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:36,879
Ooh, I love these uniforms.
97
00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,629
I feel like Brenda from 90210...
98
00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:42,091
...when she was dressed
as that '50s waitress at the Peach Pit.
99
00:05:42,259 --> 00:05:44,720
Well, when we're the big stars
of Funk And Skank...
100
00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:47,139
...we won't have to wear any uniforms.
101
00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:49,307
But wait, aren't Funk and Skank cops?
102
00:05:49,475 --> 00:05:51,976
Uh, no, they're hookers.
103
00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:56,023
How about a compromise?
Cops by day, prostitutes by night.
104
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,274
You know, "cops-titutes."
105
00:05:58,776 --> 00:06:01,862
Either way, we're New York's finest.
106
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:04,490
Okay, everybody, ready. Here we go.
107
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:05,824
(MAX GASPS)
108
00:06:05,990 --> 00:06:08,035
-Look at Earl over there.
CAROLINE: Good luck, Earl.
109
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:10,495
-Camera on the door.
MAN: Scene eight, take one.
110
00:06:10,661 --> 00:06:13,915
D.J.:
And action. The shooter comes in.
111
00:06:18,504 --> 00:06:20,379
And cut. You're in. Reset.
112
00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:22,382
Earl, that was inspiring.
113
00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:25,968
I hope everyone who sees you
goes out and ignores a crime.
114
00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:28,764
It was like that scene
was about the cash register guy.
115
00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:32,475
You really brought something extra.
I smell an Emmy.
116
00:06:32,643 --> 00:06:35,144
Oh, that's weed.
117
00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:37,980
Hi. Sorry we haven't gotten
to you guys yet.
118
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:42,110
Why don't you hang out in the office?
I hear there's good sushi. You look pretty.
119
00:06:42,860 --> 00:06:44,987
I think the director kind of likes me.
120
00:06:45,154 --> 00:06:47,699
Well, I don't know about him,
but his penis does.
121
00:06:49,326 --> 00:06:51,202
Okay. Camera on the door.
122
00:06:51,370 --> 00:06:52,954
MAN:
Scene eight, take two.
123
00:06:53,122 --> 00:06:56,375
D.J.:
And action. The shooter comes in.
124
00:06:56,542 --> 00:06:58,043
Bang, bang!
125
00:06:59,418 --> 00:07:00,754
D.J.:
Cut.
126
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,173
Excuse me. How did you get through?
127
00:07:03,339 --> 00:07:05,800
Oh, please. I once got through
the Berlin Wall.
128
00:07:05,968 --> 00:07:08,177
You think two kids with walkie-talkies
could stop me?
129
00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:10,012
(LAUGHS)
130
00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:12,432
Damn, this room's got a sweet spread.
131
00:07:12,598 --> 00:07:14,976
Free sushi? Uh, yes.
132
00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:17,896
Free dessert? Uh, duh.
133
00:07:18,062 --> 00:07:20,774
This is great.
We've gotta figure a way to get paid...
134
00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:23,860
...to sit around, eat free food,
and do nothing more often.
135
00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:27,738
Oh, I think you cracked that code
a long time ago.
136
00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:31,160
Would it be tacky if I packed some sushi
in my purse for later?
137
00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:33,704
Already packed mine,
already packed yours.
138
00:07:34,745 --> 00:07:36,956
This is the VIP lounge.
139
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:40,418
See? The shrimp
have already been de-turded.
140
00:07:40,836 --> 00:07:41,961
Oh, hi, girls.
141
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:45,841
Oh, you finally got new uniforms.
You look stupid.
142
00:07:46,382 --> 00:07:49,468
These are from the Costume Department
of a little show called...
143
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:52,805
...Law & Order: SVU
that Max and I are co-starring in.
144
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:57,185
Co-stars? Honey, please.
You two are just extras.
145
00:07:57,435 --> 00:08:01,230
Um, extra paid and full of purse sushi.
146
00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:03,649
They're ready for you two.
147
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:06,444
Oh. Be right there.
Just gonna put my purse in the fridge.
148
00:08:06,612 --> 00:08:10,449
-Thomas, Tom, T-Pain. Can we chat?
-What is it, dude?
149
00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:12,951
Your crew got soy sauce
all over my computer.
150
00:08:13,117 --> 00:08:16,163
And according to our agreement,
you must pay all the damages.
151
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:18,790
-How much do you want?
-Three hundred dollars.
152
00:08:18,956 --> 00:08:22,252
-But it's a piece of crap.
-But it was a gift from my father.
153
00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:25,213
And you know how important family is
in our culture.
154
00:08:25,379 --> 00:08:28,550
Again, I don't.
I was raised by two white women.
155
00:08:29,091 --> 00:08:30,177
Oh, hey, hey.
156
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:33,554
Yes. Uh, who do I talk to
about becoming a star?
157
00:08:37,142 --> 00:08:39,436
This is so exciting.
158
00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:41,647
God, that woman keeps pushing
my head down.
159
00:08:41,812 --> 00:08:44,274
I feel like I'm on a date with her.
160
00:08:44,982 --> 00:08:47,860
You guys are behind the counter,
doing your waitress thing.
161
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:52,198
Shooter aims for the cook but hits her,
our featured waitress.
162
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:55,619
Hey, didn't I already see you on SVU?
Oh, yeah, I remember.
163
00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:59,581
They found your head in a mini-fridge
in the Hudson. I knew I recognized you.
164
00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:02,750
Wait, we've already killed you?
Sorry, babe, you're out.
165
00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:06,379
Aw. Well, you gave great head.
166
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,715
Tom, bump someone up
to the featured waitress.
167
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,216
Pays a thousand more bucks.
168
00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:12,552
That could be the money
we need for Chestnut.
169
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:14,221
Could one of us do it?
170
00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:16,222
Can you act
like you've been hit with a bullet?
171
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:20,226
Uh, heh, well, it just so happens,
I have been hit by a bullet twice.
172
00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:24,063
Once in a 7-Eleven and once running away
in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven.
173
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,191
So, yeah, I think I got this.
174
00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:29,443
I'm thinking maybe a blond
would be better. Caroline?
175
00:09:29,945 --> 00:09:32,905
Well, I did have a pretty convincing
death scene as Fantine.
176
00:09:33,072 --> 00:09:36,576
And I died, like--
Well, should I just show you?
177
00:09:48,672 --> 00:09:51,883
You are such a nerd.
178
00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:57,306
That's great, Caroline. Special Effects,
put the blood device on Caroline.
179
00:09:57,471 --> 00:09:59,975
-She's our special victim.
-Really? I got it?
180
00:10:00,142 --> 00:10:04,937
Yes. But a little less French Revolution
and a lot more "face down on the floor."
181
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:08,482
You can't take a shot.
You can't even do a shot.
182
00:10:08,649 --> 00:10:11,110
Don't be mad, Max.
I'm doing this for Chestnut.
183
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:13,279
It's not my fault
he liked my death scene.
184
00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:16,365
He liked your death scene with his penis.
185
00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:19,786
Wow, Max, show business really brings out
the worst in you.
186
00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:22,205
You haven't seen me at a wedding.
187
00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:27,001
Hello? You just put your hand down
a woman's blouse without asking?
188
00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:29,046
Every day.
189
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,715
Well, um, here, can I help you?
190
00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:34,592
No. It's a union thing.
191
00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:38,721
-Aren't you in there a little long?
-Yeah.
192
00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:44,144
Caroline, that special-effects rig
is very sensitive.
193
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:47,522
-Don't let anything near your chest.
-Except me.
194
00:10:50,734 --> 00:10:51,860
And don't be nervous.
195
00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:54,196
The camera's gonna love you.
How could it not?
196
00:10:54,363 --> 00:10:55,905
D.J., stop flirting with me.
197
00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:59,618
I'm gonna die soon
and you'll never get over me.
198
00:11:00,659 --> 00:11:03,120
Promise you'll die soon?
199
00:11:04,456 --> 00:11:07,833
Max, I'm about to be shot
and I can't die with bad blood between us.
200
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:11,254
We're good. You're living my dream, girl.
Do me proud.
201
00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:13,465
-I will.
-No. Don't hug with it.
202
00:11:20,764 --> 00:11:23,307
D.J.:
Caroline, you set the thing off.
203
00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:25,476
-We weren't rolling.
-Really?
204
00:11:25,644 --> 00:11:28,355
That's too bad, because that was gold.
205
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:31,817
That's a wrap, everybody.
We'll pick it up tomorrow.
206
00:11:31,982 --> 00:11:34,068
I'm so sorry, it just went off.
207
00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:36,153
-Prettiest screwup all day.
-Heh.
208
00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:38,823
After you get cleaned up,
why don't we have dinner?
209
00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:42,119
-Dinner? Yeah, I'd like that.
-Let's say 8.
210
00:11:42,284 --> 00:11:45,080
My assistant will give you the address
and my room number.
211
00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:50,876
You know, this is exactly how you look
in all my dreams where I shoot you.
212
00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:54,548
The director just invited me to dinner
at his hotel but it's in his room.
213
00:11:54,713 --> 00:11:57,008
-Do you think he--? Is that why he--?
-Yes. Yes.
214
00:11:57,174 --> 00:11:58,217
-Will you come?
-Yes.
215
00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:00,636
-Maybe he thought my audition was really--
-No.
216
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:05,392
Uh, Caroline, next time, maybe a little less.
217
00:12:08,769 --> 00:12:12,399
Remember, if this director slips you
anything that looks like a SweeTart...
218
00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:15,568
...it's that drug that knocks you out
and distorts your memory.
219
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:18,404
At least that's what it does
to the guys I give it to.
220
00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:21,408
It's never gonna get to that.
I have my own date rape drug.
221
00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:25,662
I talk about myself incessantly
till guys get bored and pass out.
222
00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:29,291
If that doesn't work, what are your limits?
Over sweater, under sweater?
223
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:32,418
A little front door, back door,
a little secret staircase?
224
00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:35,379
I don't know what that is
but no one goes up my staircase.
225
00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:36,798
Not even for Chestnut.
226
00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:39,134
At the most, I'll do kissing.
227
00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:43,346
You are thinking like an extra.
You need to think like a star...
228
00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:47,433
...if you're gonna buy Chestnut shoes,
therapy, then a way out of Scientology.
229
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,687
Oh. Hi. You brought company.
230
00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:54,274
Yes, she's my ride.
We share a subway card.
231
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,525
She uses the card. I jump the turnstile...
232
00:12:56,692 --> 00:13:00,071
...and she pretends to chase me, yelling,
"Don't worry, I'll get her."
233
00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:02,990
Well, come on in.
Stay for a glass of champagne, Max.
234
00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:06,369
Don't worry about taking the subway home.
My driver can take you.
235
00:13:06,535 --> 00:13:10,081
Now I'm torn. As much as I don't want you
to have sex against your will...
236
00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:13,335
...I do wanna roll up to the McDonald's
in a limo.
237
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:16,046
There's no rush.
Come, let's sit down and hang out.
238
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:20,509
It was really nice of you to invite me up
here to have a casual, work-related dinner.
239
00:13:20,674 --> 00:13:25,179
Max, there, Caroline, there,
and me, well, here.
240
00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:27,474
-Can't turn it off. Still directing.
-Heh.
241
00:13:29,893 --> 00:13:34,105
Oh. You know, I love this hotel.
I came here once to do a photo shoot...
242
00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:36,857
...for a "20 under-20 teen millionaires"
spread...
243
00:13:37,024 --> 00:13:40,070
...and I remember
I had just gotten my hair cut...
244
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:43,740
...which was a big decision because
I was kind of known for my long hair.
245
00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:46,408
He wanted to take an inch,
which doesn't sound big...
246
00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:49,078
...but when you're known
for your long hair...
247
00:13:50,746 --> 00:13:54,292
...people are expecting to see you
with long hair.
248
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:56,628
So was that okay?
249
00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:58,587
Oh, heh, yeah, sure.
250
00:13:58,754 --> 00:14:01,633
It's just Max is here
and I don't want her to feel left out.
251
00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:04,134
Sorry. Got it.
252
00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:09,474
That was nice.
253
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,225
You're a good kisser. Ahem.
254
00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:14,312
Are you eating a cinnamon Altoid?
255
00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:18,567
I'm eating a cinnamon Altoid.
256
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:23,572
Well, then I just tasted you.
257
00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:25,657
Look, D.J.,
I think you have the wrong idea.
258
00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:26,865
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
259
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,701
Oh, hold that thought.
260
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,453
I would never interrupt this
for a work call...
261
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:34,874
...but it's my wife
and I wanna say good night to the kids.
262
00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:36,918
That guy's a player.
263
00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:39,504
I'm not talking my way out of this.
We're screwed.
264
00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:43,841
Yeah. He's got a high tolerance.
Your "long hair" speech almost roofied me.
265
00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:47,636
What do we do, Max?
I don't want to offend him.
266
00:14:47,803 --> 00:14:51,432
We need that extra money for Chestnut.
This is the oldest tale in the book.
267
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:54,394
A woman forced to trade her body
to get her child shoes.
268
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:58,105
It's Shakespearean, it's Dickensian,
it's Kardashian.
269
00:14:58,273 --> 00:15:01,109
Look at the bright side.
You already thought he was sexy...
270
00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:03,193
...so you were gonna sleep with him.
271
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:06,530
He's married. You know he won't cheat
on you with somebody else...
272
00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:10,201
...because you're that somebody else.
You a side bitch.
273
00:15:10,701 --> 00:15:14,163
No, Max. I can tell him how I feel.
Besides, he probably already got it.
274
00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:16,582
You heard me tell him
he read the signs wrong.
275
00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:24,090
Apparently the sign he read said,
"Three-way up ahead."
276
00:15:25,008 --> 00:15:26,134
Pretty good, right?
277
00:15:26,301 --> 00:15:29,763
Hit show, wife, kids,
I still find time to get to the gym.
278
00:15:29,928 --> 00:15:34,308
So you guys need to drink a little more
before we do this? Because I don't.
279
00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:37,187
I'm just gonna say this
before that towel comes off.
280
00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:39,563
I think you've misread the signals here.
281
00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:41,691
Really? That sucks.
282
00:15:41,857 --> 00:15:45,320
I'm sorry. These things happen.
It reminds me of that time I had tea...
283
00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:48,615
...with that prince in Dubai
and he thought he bought me.
284
00:15:48,947 --> 00:15:50,825
Turns out, he bought a different blond.
285
00:15:50,991 --> 00:15:53,536
Oh, men.
286
00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:02,128
-Morning, D.J.
-Morning.
287
00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:06,173
See, Max? No hard feelings.
I told you it was gonna work out.
288
00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:10,052
Hi. I'm ready for my fake blood pouch.
289
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:15,140
Uh, I think you got the wrong breasts.
290
00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:18,894
-But for a rough guy you got a soft touch.
-Yup.
291
00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:20,230
There's been a change.
292
00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:22,856
Uh, Max is now getting featured
and you're in the BG.
293
00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:24,484
Background.
294
00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:26,778
-These are real?
-Yup.
295
00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:28,697
Nice job.
296
00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:32,033
You hear that, Max? Now I'm in the BG.
297
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,494
I didn't do D.J., so I'm in the BG.
298
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:38,539
Max, we have time for one full take
before lunch...
299
00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:40,875
...then we'll come back
and do your coverage.
300
00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:43,461
Hey, maybe you and I can have lunch
in my trailer?
301
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,587
Well, I do love a trailer.
302
00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:47,756
Okay, let's stay on schedule, people.
303
00:16:47,923 --> 00:16:49,759
My kid's reading a poem at school.
304
00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:52,052
By the way, your rack looks fantastic.
305
00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:55,264
You seem like a great dad.
306
00:16:55,889 --> 00:16:59,018
D.J., is this about last night,
because I wouldn't wear a towel?
307
00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:00,687
No, no, we're good.
308
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:02,813
I don't wanna see that. Bury her deep.
309
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:05,900
"Bury her deep"?
Did he just say "bury her deep"?
310
00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:08,027
Caroline, you need to work back there.
311
00:17:08,193 --> 00:17:11,865
-Is this how Hollywood treats women?
-This is how Hollywood treats everyone.
312
00:17:12,030 --> 00:17:13,157
D.J.:
Everybody ready.
313
00:17:13,324 --> 00:17:16,618
Max, if you do this,
you'll be getting paid for sex.
314
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:19,204
Well, it's about time.
315
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,707
Places, everyone.
316
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:23,585
CAROLINE: You don't have to do this.
Chestnut is my horse.
317
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:26,296
D.J.: And action.
Max, you're wiping the counter.
318
00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:28,673
The killer comes in, you look up.
319
00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:31,217
(MUMBLES) Don't do it.
We can find the money somewhere else.
320
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,510
Cut. Tom, I don't want to see her.
321
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,346
TOM: Caroline.
-Here they come.
322
00:17:35,512 --> 00:17:37,557
TOM:
Come on, everybody. Back to one.
323
00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:40,268
And action.
Max, you're wiping the counter.
324
00:17:40,434 --> 00:17:43,188
The killer comes in, you look up.
325
00:17:43,354 --> 00:17:45,230
Pickup.
326
00:17:45,397 --> 00:17:46,982
(BELL RINGS)
327
00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:49,611
Max, seriously, it's not worth it.
328
00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:52,070
Cut. Get her out of there. Reset. Reset.
329
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:53,655
Sorry about all that, people.
330
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:57,868
Now let's give me the bullet
I've been waiting for my whole life.
331
00:17:59,162 --> 00:18:00,954
I haven't felt this unwanted...
332
00:18:01,122 --> 00:18:04,334
...since I tried to teach
those inner-city school kids how to knit.
333
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:08,212
You have to stay here away from the shot
or neither of you is gonna be paid.
334
00:18:08,378 --> 00:18:10,798
Hey, Tom, you know what
this scene needs?
335
00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:13,968
A little more cashier.
336
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:17,721
Boy, that crew is doing a lot of damage
to this diner.
337
00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:21,601
Well, I'm doing some damage
to this fancy French water.
338
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:26,980
Hundred-fifty for the floor,
20 for the napkins they used, and....
339
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:34,780
And 55 bucks
for that gorgeous picture of the city.
340
00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:36,907
Well, this is ridiculous.
341
00:18:37,075 --> 00:18:39,701
How much longer do I have to wait
to be discovered?
342
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:44,707
Do what every other American would do.
Skip the hard work and put out a sex tape.
343
00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:48,001
No, I'm gonna go out there.
Where's my lipstick?
344
00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:51,256
Here, hold my Shake Weight.
345
00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:52,673
And my Fresca.
346
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,344
Oh, hi.
347
00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:59,806
Uh, who do I talk to about getting a part
in this thing?
348
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:04,059
I mean, I already let the guy
who puts out the cookies touch my boobs.
349
00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:06,061
We don't have a guy
who puts out cookies.
350
00:19:06,229 --> 00:19:07,480
Yo.
351
00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:10,650
Okay, everybody ready. Camera up.
352
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,652
Oh, he looks important.
353
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:13,987
-No. Stop.
-No. Let go.
354
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:15,445
Not the blood switch.
355
00:19:18,449 --> 00:19:19,826
(WAILS)
356
00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:24,413
Someone shot Max!
357
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:27,416
Cut. Tom, get rid of Max too.
358
00:19:27,584 --> 00:19:29,294
Get me another girl.
359
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:30,545
Typical.
360
00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:33,714
Shoot on my chest
and you're done with me.
361
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:39,386
Hi. You looking for a new girl?
362
00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:44,308
Last time I looked like this...
363
00:19:44,474 --> 00:19:48,354
...I was coming out of an acid trip
and my friend Daniel was missing.
364
00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:53,067
I gotta admit, getting shot felt kind
of gangster waitress.
365
00:19:53,233 --> 00:19:56,069
I'm like Notorious BLT.
366
00:19:56,653 --> 00:19:59,240
So here's the deal.
We'll pay you for yesterday...
367
00:19:59,406 --> 00:20:01,867
...but not for today
or for the featured extra.
368
00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:04,578
-Say what?
-Not so fast, my brother.
369
00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:07,414
Here is the latest tally
for my diner damage.
370
00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:09,709
What's this last $1000 charge?
371
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:12,252
That is for the damage done
to Max and Caroline.
372
00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:16,507
According to crew scuttlebutt, the director
tried some funny business last night.
373
00:20:16,673 --> 00:20:17,799
This is not cool, dude.
374
00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:20,178
It is most decidedly not cool, pal.
375
00:20:20,385 --> 00:20:25,182
So maybe there is someone in a union
I can talk to about this particular damage?
376
00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:28,936
Not to mention the child labor laws
you violated by working with Han.
377
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:32,565
Don't talk to anyone. I'll get them paid.
378
00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:35,777
This sucks.
I knew we should have shot at a Denny's.
379
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:40,740
Han, that is the sweetest, coolest thing
you just did for us.
380
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,910
It is. And Caroline is totally gonna put out
for you tonight.
381
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:45,869
That's kind of her thing now.
382
00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:49,123
Well, I don't want anyone
to take advantage of you two.
383
00:20:49,289 --> 00:20:50,750
You're my girls.
384
00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:53,920
And tonight on a very special episode
of Funk and Skank...
385
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:56,923
...the cute tiny Asian guy
turns out to be the girls' pimp.
386
00:20:57,089 --> 00:21:00,300
And the cops-titutes are able to buy
new horse shoes.
387
00:21:29,038 --> 00:21:31,039
English - US - SDH
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